Hopes and Desires
The evening has been a great success. Chez Pierre has lived up to its reputation as the finest restaurant in the area. Elise was made a fuss of and was allowed her first Champagne. She wrinkled her nose and giggled as everyone does when sipping Champagne for the first time. Now, as he closes the door to his bedroom and leans back on it, Severus sees Harry standing in the middle of the room, the light from the fire makes shadows on the walls. Harry’s eyes glow in the firelight.
It is hopeless. He has fallen in love with the one person he shouldn’t; Lily’s son. Apart from her, he has never been truly in love with anyone. The few lovers he has known had come and gone; the short liaisons he made, always vanished. Lily was the only woman he had ever been in love with. It was a pure love, untainted by sex; not that he would have been averse to exploring the sexual side of their relationship at Hogwarts. But events, words and James Potter had intervened.
Sassi he loves deeply. But that is brotherly love. There is nothing he would not do to protect her and her – no – their precious family. It is after all, this family and the thought of someday being with them always, that had kept him going for all those hideous years.
But now his heart is bursting with love for Lily’s son.
‘What is it?’ Harry whispers.
‘I … I think …’ the words will not come. Harry steps closer and pulls him into an embrace. ‘Harry … I think …’
‘What Severus? What are you trying so ineptly to tell me?’
‘I think … I need to apologise to Sassi. I was … have been harsh, too harsh sometimes about Lyrus. I always thought he didn’t love her … but he did.’
Just as Harry leans up to brush his lips in a light kiss, there is a soft knock at the door. Severus turns and opens it.
‘I’m sorry,’ Saskya said, ‘bad timing?’
‘No, not at all, I was on my way to see you,’ Severus said.
‘I have something to say to you,’ they say in unison before smiling at each other.
‘You had better come in then,’ he said. ‘That’s alright isn’t it Harry?’
‘Yeah, of course … I’ll go and take a bath,’ and he nods towards the bathroom.
‘No, Harry, please stay. You are part of Sev’s life now … and therefore part of the family,’ she said.
Severus leads her to the bed and she sits on the edge and he sits next to her; Harry sits on her other side and somehow, that feels right.
‘Me first,’ Severus says and takes a deep breath. ‘I need to apologise to you Sassi. I never understood why you were so forgiving of Lyrus. Now I understand. I understand that you loved him deeply … passionately. I was always dismissive of your relationship with him; I was harsh and said harsh things about him. For that … I apologise and beg your forgiveness.’
She takes his hand and raises it to her lips. ‘I know Sev, I know and I always forgave you because although as you say, I loved Lyrus deeply … I never loved him as deeply as I love my twin.’
‘Thank you,’ he smiles, ‘and don’t call me Sev,’
She punches his arm and laughs. ‘Alright Sevvi.’ Then she is serious again. ‘Now, I need to tell you what Valerina told me about Lyrus.’ She pauses, gathering her thoughts. ‘I think you have guessed that Valerina is from the South – the Pyrenees to be exact. That is where he went. She was his Alpha female, his wolf-mate. I was … his human mate. So when he left that day, I simply thought it was another one of his visits.’
‘Wait!’ Severus stops her. ‘You knew?’
She nods. ‘He confessed one day, out of the blue. So when he left … anyway, when he didn’t return … I thought he had chosen to stay with her.’
‘Oh Sassi,’ Severus pulls her close and holds her.
‘I told everyone that he had gone to England to help fight … Him. I couldn’t tell anyone that he had deserted me … or the children.’
‘That must have made you feel terrible,’ Severus said.
‘No. It made me terribly jealous. You see, I wanted to run with him across the high mountains; to run through the wild places and forests and to howl with him against the moon. My jealously ate into me in those early days and more than once … I hoped he would never come back; that he would die as I had been telling people.’
She buries her head in the crook of his neck and weeps quietly. The fire crackles and sputters; outside the window it has stopped snowing and a pale crescent moon hung in the clear, inky sky.
‘I got my wish,’ she said, her voice muffled by his neck.
‘What … what do you mean?’
She went on to tell them how Lyrus had not arrived at his other home. For her part, Valerina thought he had decided to remain with his other family. But she said her wolf instincts told her something was wrong. So she set out to search for him. She searched for days, weeks and months; and finally, she found him.
‘He was dead,’ Severus’s voice was barely a whisper. Harry gasped and his hand grabs Saskya’s and holds it.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘The huntsmen must have found him.
‘But why would they be hunting wolves?’ Harry asks.
Saskya pats his hand. ‘They are not ordinary huntsmen out shooting rabbits or deer. You have to know Harry … superstitions are alive and well in the wild, hidden places in the mountains of Europe. These are huntsmen who go out looking for werewolves, vampires, zombies and other … aberrations. They do not differentiate between werewolf, Animagus or lycanthropes. Any wolf they find, they destroy.’
‘So Senora Valerina found the body of wolf and knew it was Lyrus?’ Harry said.
‘No Harry.’ It is Severus who answers. ‘First they shoot the wolf; nowadays with rifles. Upon death, a werewolf changes back into its human form, as do Animagi and Lycanthropes. If it remains a wolf, they skin it and take the pelt.’
‘And if it changes?’
‘Then the human form is decapitated … the arms and legs are chopped off and thrown to the winds and wilds.’ Severus sighs heavily. ‘You see Harry, the huntsmen believe that by doing … this thing … the human will not return to either haunt them or to roam the mountains as … a ghost.’
‘So … so …?’
‘Yes Harry,’ Saskya continues, ‘Senora Valerina found his mutilated body.’ Saskya went on to tell them how Senora Valerina had told her all of this when they were together in the mountains. She said she had gone wild with grief. She searched for his head and limbs, but could not find them. She had stayed in the mountains for months with what was left of his body, protecting it from scavengers and when all the flesh had gone from his bones, she had collected them together and took them back to their home. She buried the bones there.’
‘Do his family know?’ Harry asked, ‘I mean the Malefoys or the Felderups?’
Saskya shakes her head. ‘No. They know nothing of her. She grieved alone and the family know only what I had told them; that he had died in the War somewhere in England and had gone into the Veil.’ Her voices catches as she swallows down a sob. ‘So no funeral, just a simple memorial at the family home.’ She turns buries her head in Severus’s shoulder again. His arm comes around to comfort her.
‘Why did she come here?’ he asks.
‘As the years passed, she became more racked with guilt. So she decided to find me and tell me the truth. All that she knew was that Lyrus had lived close to the mountains in France. She has been searching for me for over a year. She would choose an area, stay for a while and call, then she would move on if there was no response or the hunters got too close.’
‘Do the children know?’
‘No. They know only that she was a friend of their father, another lycanthrope. She has been very helpful with Elise and has shown me how to manage the change. She told me that in Elise, the gene could be weak, so she may only change if she is stressed or in danger.’
The three sit in silence for a long time. Finally, Saskya leans up and kisses Severus on the cheek. Then she leans over and kisses Harry.
‘Thank you for apologising, Sev … and thank you both for listening.’ She slips off the bed. ‘Bon nuit and don’t forget the wards and charms.’ She leaves the two of them on the bed.
Harry scoots closer to Severus, puts his arms around his neck and straddles his lap. ‘I like your sister. She is very interesting.’
‘Hmm,’ comes the reply.
‘But not as interesting as your neck. Or your cheek. Or your lips.’ As he kissed his way around Severus, Harry was also unbuttoning the white shirt, he opens it wide. ‘Or your chest; nipples; scars.’ He kisses his way across the expanse of Severus’s chest. ‘Then there’s your eyes; nose … and lips again.’ He then nips the delicate skin between neck and shoulder and he hears the soft moan and feels the sharp buck of Severus’s hips against him.
‘What would you like Severus?’
Severus stares at the young man sitting in his lap. ‘No-one has ever asked me that before … except Sassi.’
‘Well, I’m asking you now. What would you like?’
‘To undress you slowly and kiss … every inch of you.’
Harry leaves the bed and stands up; he spreads his arms wide. ‘Here I am.’
Severus joins him and with a wave of his hand, sets the wards and charms. He stands before Harry drinking in his form; the compact body that belied his strength. The pert arse, just the right size for gripping; the rigid bulge at the front of his trousers proving his interest in the old Death Eater. He reaches out his hands and slowly unbuttons Harry’s shirt, ending at the cuffs. He slips the material from one shoulder and runs the back of his hand over the exposed skin.
He watches as Harry closes his eyes and tilts his head back. He accepts the invitation and lays a trail of kisses from shoulder to shoulder. His reward is a low moan from Harry. Pulling the young man closer, he slips the shirt completely from his body. Then, he turns him around and as his hands explore the contour of Harry’s back, his lips and tongue trace a line down Harry’s spine.
He kneels and kisses the exposed skin above Harry’s jeans. His hands meanwhile have found the zip and button at the front and slowly, teasingly, he pushes the jeans away from Harry’s hips and down to the floor. He steadies Harry as he steps out of them. He then pushes the top of Harry’s underpants down a mere inch and kisses the skin above the cleft of his cheeks.
He feels Harry tremble and hears him catch his breath.
Smoothly, Harry turns and pulls him to his feet. ‘My turn,’ he whispers.
Severus, usually so private, allows him to unbutton his shirt and as it falls to the floor, he feels Harry’s lips on his scars; he has allowed Harry to do this before of course, but this night, it is different. This night he is allowing his barriers to drop away and he is prepared to open himself to the gift the young man is willing to bestow upon him. He allows himself to become vulnerable; to give himself completely to another.
Harry’s hands are quick to unbutton and push his trousers down to his ankles.
With Harry’s help, he steps out of his trousers. But Harry does not stand; instead, he kneels before him and Severus feels the warm breath on his arousal … just before he feels the kiss. When Harry stands it is to take his hand and lead him towards the rug that sits invitingly before the soft glow of the fire. He pushes Severus down, then sits before him and pulls him into a kiss; a proper kiss.
Severus’s thoughts are wanton and reckless and when Harry sits in his lap and wraps his legs around him, there is not an inch of space between them. His lover’s hand falls to where their erections are pressed against each other.
Severus wants to close his eyes, but then he would not be able to revel in this gift. Harry moans and Severus is lost; his mind focused only on the sensation of Harry’s cock against his own through the thin material of their underwear. The sensation of Harry’s hand gripping both cocks together and rubbing both, almost undoes him. Their movements become urgent, rougher until finally, gravity pulls them down onto the rug.
‘I am very close,’ he hears himself mutter.
‘Me too,’ comes the breathless reply before lips are joined once again and tongues dance and explore the sensitive parts of each other’s mouth.
‘Harry …’ with a jerk, Severus’s orgasm breaks over him as his thrusts wildly against Harry. A heartbeat later, Harry convulses with a low growl and comes against him. He is lost in a world of heightened sensation and colour. He gasps and moans as the power of what has just happened to him. To them.
After what seems an age, Harry is the first to speak. He brushes Severus’s hair away from his face. ‘Where are you?’ he asks.
‘Somewhere. Nowhere,’ he manages to say as a tear escapes his eyes.
‘I have you now and I will not let you fall,’ Harry speaks so softly that he has to strain to hear.
They cling together as the fire warms them. He holds the precious body close to his own, stroking, kneading and caressing in the after-glow of love. He wants to say it, but the words he feels, would be hollow. He has not been capable of feeling and showing such love; until now. Does Harry expect to hear them? He pulls away and kisses the soft lips. A soft kiss. A lover’s kiss.
‘Harry? I need to say it. If it sounds strange … it is because I have never used these words to a lover before.’
‘You don’t have to … I know.’
‘Yet … I am denying you and therefore myself the power of the words if I don’t. So …’ he places his finger underneath Harry’s chin and tilts his head up. ‘I … am … in love … with you.’
‘And I am sticky,’ Harry manages to keep his face straight for at least five seconds before laughing. ‘I’m in love with you … Severus.’
‘Then … let’s get cleaned up and into bed,’ and he places a chaste kiss on Harry’s brow then pulls him to his feet.
Once clean, Severus climbs into bed, naked. Harry pulls on his jeans and a tee-shirt.
‘I’m going to get a glass of water. Want one?’
Severus shakes his head and watches the love of his life head out the door.
On the way back from the kitchen with his water, Harry notices the sitting room door is open a crack; the light from the huge fireplace draws him to open the door and he peeks inside. Saskya sees him and beckons him in.
Lying in front of the fire is a wolf. A young wolf. Saskya smiles at him.
‘Is this Elise?’ he whispers.
‘Yes, she changed again; by herself this time.’
Just then, the eyes open and two golden orbs are fixed on Harry. Elise yawns, showing her white, sharp teeth. The she smiles a wolf smile at Harry before curling up and going back to sleep. ‘She’s beautiful,’ he said.
‘Yes, her colouring is exceptional.’
‘Has Severus seen her yet?’
‘No, not yet.’
‘Can I get him?’
‘Yes, but ask him to dress first.’
Harry blushes and Saskya grins back at him. He goes to get Severus. ‘Come and see Elise,’ he says, ‘but Saskya says you have to dress first. How does she know?’
‘She’s my twin,’ was all Severus said. He rises, dresses and follows Harry into the sitting room.
Harry watches as he goes to Saskya and sits on the floor beside her. He reaches out his hand and strokes the silver-grey fur. Elise opened one eye, then closed it again with a contented sigh.
‘We will keep her safe, Sassi; you have my word,’ he says to his sister.
‘Thank you Sev, that means so much.’
‘I will help as well,’ Harry adds.
‘Thank you as well, Harry. Now, go back to bed. I will see you both in the morning.’ Severus lifts her hand and kisses it.
Back in their room, they undress once again, tumble into bed and entwine themselves around each other and fall asleep.
Harry opens his eyes slowly. He is spooned against Severus’s back with his arm around his chest. He yawns. The light outside is still dim, so he guesses that dawn is just breaking. He is comfortable and despite their height difference, he thinks it remarkable how well their bodies fit together. He kisses Severus’s back and moves his hand to his hip, then around to his front.
He is aroused and his erection nudges against the crease of Severus’s bottom. A thought came to him; they have not, as yet, made love completely. Yes, they have enjoyed each other’s bodies with hands, tongue and mouth, but they had not yet gone the full way. He loves that he can arouse Severus, but what he loves more is that Severus arouses him. And it is more than just physical arousal. With Severus he has found love; a deep love that feeds his need to be loved and in turn, that feeds his emotional self.
How this has happened he had no real idea. Perhaps with maturity comes wisdom. They are similar in so many ways. They were both in the thrall of Albus Dumbledore and his machinations to bring about the destruction of Voldemort. He recalls he had read somewhere that when you liked someone, really liked them, you sometimes act as though you didn’t. Or it may have been Hermione‘s wisdom. However he knows this is unimportant, the fact is he and Severus had certainly done that.
His fingers lightly brush over Severus’s cock and he smiles as it twitches to life. He wants to make love with Severus. No, that’s wrong. He needs Severus to give himself to him; to not hold anything back, to be as wanton as Harry guesses he can be.
He is rigid now and he pants gently against Severus’s back as the image of him deep inside the man he loves, is in love with, forms in his mind. Would Severus object? Is he a top man? Harry has experience with both and enjoys either. But what he doesn’t want to do is spoil the moment with something that could upset Severus, perhaps even disgust him.
Severus’s cock is growing in interest. He now presses soft kisses against his back as he keeps his thrusting gentle. He licks the two puncture wounds on the shoulder blade. Severus moans and Harry slips his erection between Severus’s cheeks.
‘Harry,’ comes a sleepy voice, ‘what are you doing?’
‘I’m writing and essay, why?’
Severus grunts and turns to face him, his eyes still half closed with sleep. ‘You are not writing an essay. I may be more than half asleep, but I’m no fool,’ and he smiles in his drowsiness. ‘You want to ask me something perhaps?’
‘Er … um … yes. I would like to make love to you,’ there he has said it.
‘You already have,’ comes the reply.
‘No. I mean, completely. Totally.’ He waits.
‘You mean …?’
‘Yes, but …’
‘I don’t know if you would want me to. If you would enjoy me … y’know …’ he hoped that Severus couldn’t see him blush in the soft dimness of early morning. He buried his head in Severus’s chest.
‘And you don’t want to upset me because … I may not like being fucked?’
‘Whaaat? Severus!’ Harry punches him, never had he heard the man use such an expletive.
‘Oh gods, Harry, you should hear Sassi when she gets angry,’ he tilts Harry chin up. ‘I take it you have done this before?’ Harry nods. ‘And do you like being on top?’
‘I like both,’ Harry answers with a grin; he is suddenly breathless and his chest tightens and the heat he feels in his cheeks, spreads down to his groin.
‘Harry James Potter, you never cease to amaze me,’ and Severus leans in and kisses him, bringing his bodies together. ‘I have been fucked-over in so many ways by so many people in my life … it would be wonderful to be fucked by someone who … truly loves me and whom I love in return.’
The laugh rumbles deep in Harry’s throat. ‘Merlin, but I do love you Severus,’ and he rolls on top of the older man.
Not that Severus is passive, far from it, but he does allow Harry to take the lead.
It is glorious, the giving and receiving of love. The sight of Severus beneath him, moaning incoherently is very arousing. Yet even in the throes of his passion, the one tiny part of his brain that is still functioning on an ordinary level, realises he has forgotten one vital ingredient. He raises his head from Severus’s cock ‘Accio oil’ he mutters and holds out a free hand to receive the small bottle of oil. He smiles at his own resourcefulness.
He pours the sweet, honey scented oil onto his hand and begins to massage Severus’s tight opening. Severus bucks and groans. With slick fingers Harry probes the area and when he feels Severus relax, he slips a finger inside, then another, lubricating and teasing.
‘Inside me now …’ a voice from somewhere far away drifts to him. Needing no other encouragement, he holds his erection, making it oily and removing his fingers, presses himself against Severus. He pushes gently, not to cause any pain. He hears Severus growl and is caught unawares when Severus bends his knees and pulls Harry into him, wrapping his legs around his waist as he does so. Harry yelps in surprise as he slides deeper into his love. ‘Now … move!’ Severus commands.
But it is too much for Harry. His mind and body are experiencing sensory overload and with a strangled cry he comes in small, juddering thrusts. ‘Nooooo …’ he calls as he slumps forward. ‘I’m sorry … sorry I …’ and he feels the hot tears squeeze passed his eyelids.
Severus is still moving and groaning, his hips buck upwards, lost in the moment. His cock is rigid and straining, a pearl of liquid on the tip. ‘So close …’ he mutters.
Harry quickly realises all is not lost. He falls onto Severus’s cock, his mouth working up and down in wet, powerful stokes.
‘Harry!’ Severus calls as his orgasm hits him and Harry sucks and swallows all the precious liquid.
Slowly, Harry leaves the object of his desire and lies on top of Severus. The older man enfolds him against his chest and Harry listens to his heartbeat as it slows and regulates itself. Then Severus hands are in hair, pulling him up for a prolonged kiss. ‘Need to breath,’ Harry pulls away. ‘I’m sorry …’
‘I … I … um … didn’t last long enough. I’m sorry, it was all just too sexy.’
Severus does not answer as his fingers stroke Harry’s cheek.
The next time Harry opens his eyes it is full daylight. He has fallen asleep on top of Severus who was now looking at him. ‘You were saying sorry for not lasting long enough before we fell asleep. Harry, I have never been …’ he stops. ‘What I mean to say is … I have always been the one … Merlin why am I so tongue tied suddenly?’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I have never willingly given myself to any man before. Harry … there are still things you don’t know about me, terrible things … things that haunt me. Yet with you …’
‘Do you trust me, Severus?’
‘Yes, for some unknown reason, I do.’
‘Good. Because, as I have said before; I have you. I will hold you and not allow you to fall but should you fall, I will catch you.’
Severus closes his eyes and was silent for a long time. When he finally speaks his voice is a low whisper. ‘You were so … gentle and it felt wonderful. You became a part of me in that time … no Harry, let me finish … and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t last long … it was long enough for me to know.’
‘That when I took the risk of coming to see you at the Ministry and you came to Spinners End … I had made the right and best decision of my life.’
‘Great!’ Harry is grinning from ear to ear as he jumps out of bed. ‘C’mon, let’s have a bath … together and let’s start thinking about our future.’ He pulls Severus out of bed.
Later, when they emerged from their bedroom, the house is a hive of activity. Marius and Sabine are running up and down stairs and in and out of rooms; Saskya is calling instructions to them from the kitchen.
‘Welcome to the mad house,’ Severus leans into Harry.
‘It’s just like the Weasley’s but with fewer people,’ Harry grins. ‘How is that possible?’
At that moment, a juvenile wolf came bounding towards them and flings herself at them. Both men lose their balance and fall in a heap while trying to fend off the rough, enthusiastic tongue of the young wolf.
‘ELISE!’ Saskya shouts. ‘What did we talk about this morning?’ Elise sits down immediately and hangs her head. ‘Sorry you two, she is still coming to terms with her new form and strength. Elise, please go downstairs and wait for me, you need to change.’
‘Bit harsh, aren’t you? Severus chides his twin as Harry pulls him up .
‘She needs rules, boundaries. She may be playful now, but in a year or two she will be more powerful and then she will try it on.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Harry said, ‘I don’t understand, trying what on?’
The twins share a look … then a smile. ‘Trying it on for sex,’ Saskya says matter of factly. ‘Now, I’m going down to make sure she changes properly. Once she is confident, I want you …’ and she points at Severus, ‘…to learn how to help her if she needs it.’
‘She will hate that,’ Severus replies.
‘Yes, but she doesn’t have a choice. You must learn the charms that will help her and the spells that will contain her if it ever comes to that.’ Saskya’s voice softens. ‘She is still so young.’
Severus glowers at her. She touches his arm, ‘I’m learning as well Sev. Oh, and Harry? You might as well learn as you’re going to be one of the family.’
‘Me?’ Harry squeaks. ‘Do you think that’s a good idea …?’
‘If I have to do it, so do you,’ Severus is stern. Harry throws his hands up in surrender.
‘Good, that’s all sorted then,’ Saskya smiles. ‘Now, I suggest you sort out your robes for tonight,’ and with that, she turns to go down to the cellar.
‘Tonight?’ Severus asks.
‘Mais oui,’ she runs her hand through her hair, obviously exasperated by her brother’s stupidness. ‘What’s today’s date, Severus?’
‘December 20th … oh Great Merlin! It’s Mother’s Night and …’
‘Yes, it’s the fête tonight, so you will need your robes and Maman and Papa will be joining us this year.’
‘Maman and Papa?’ Severus explodes. ‘Today and staying? Why didn’t you tell me before?’
Saskya gives him a long, hard look. ‘You have been … busy. Anyway I was only informed yesterday and I have had a few other things on my mind. It will be good and Maman will help with Elise,’ with that, she goes in search of her youngest daughter.
Without a word, Severus walks into the kitchen and sets about making coffee.
‘Severus, what is the significance of tonight and who are Maman and Papa?’ Harry asks.
Severus doesn’t answer at first; he finishes filling the coffee pot and sets it to boil. ‘December twentieth is celebrated in this region as ‘Mother’s Night’, the night before the Solstice. It is fire festival, a time for forgiveness and for … cleansing. There is a celebration in the village.’ The aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the kitchen. ‘If you jump the flaming Yule log, the flames cleanse your body and spirit for the coming year. Brioche or croissant?’
‘Brioche,’ Harry waited. … ‘And …?
‘And we dress up, eat dance and generally make merry.’ Severus fills two bowls with coffee and sets them on the table along with butter for the brioche.
‘Dress up?’ Harry butters a thick piece of brioche and munches it down.
‘Yes. It is … customary to wear traditional costume,’ Severus picks up a fallen crumb from Harry’s plate and pops it into his mouth.
‘What, like formal robes?’
‘No. Like traditional costume.’
‘I take it you are less than enthusiastic?’ Harry grins.
‘I haven’t been to one in years.’
‘We don’t have to go,’ Harry offers.
‘Hmm, but would you like to go?’ Severus wipes a spot of butter from the side of Harry’s mouth with his finger and licks it.
‘Not if you don’t.’
‘That was not the question, Harry. Would you like to go?’
‘Well … yes. It would be different and interesting.’
‘Oh yes, definitely different,’ Severus smiles. ‘Very well, we shall attend which will please my sister no end.’
They sip their coffee.
‘And Maman and Papa?’ Harry prompts.
‘Madame and Monsieur Malefoy … Lyrus’s parents’.
Harry studies Severus’s face. ‘Is that a problem … I mean for you … with me?’
‘No more than usual … we have never really got along,’ he sips the rest of his coffee and says no more.