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The Other Woman

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‘’Please, don’t tease me. I can’t wait for tonight, sugar. I'll call you later’’

Hillary stopped dead in her tracks and clenched her fists when she heard her husband’s seductive tone as she entered the house. That tone he had used on her on multiple occasions and always managed to trigger a heat between her thighs. Yet, he wasn’t using it on her this time and that made her blood boil. But she had to remain calm, she wouldn’t let him see her affected by it. Jealous. She had mastered the art of pretending she didn’t care, of presenting herself as cold and heartless. Her husband used to be an exception, but not anymore. He had hurt her more than his fair share and this time she was determined not to let him see her destroyed, she wouldn’t be groveling to him asking for affection like a stray dog. If only it wasn’t easier said than done.

‘’Mommy, what’s wrong?’’ her little girl interrupted her thoughts. Her daughter. The only pure that had come out of her marriage. The only light in the daunting darkness her life had become.

‘’Nothing, sweetie. I was just thinking about your birthday in three weeks. You don’t turn 7 every day. What do you want to do?’’ She managed a smile and ran her fingers through her daughter’s curly locks. The perfect image of blissful ignorance. That tender look in her eyes that revealed she had never been disappointed, her heart never broken. She prayed for it to never break. She wouldn’t wish it to her worst enemy.

‘’I want a big party, mommy’’ she announced joyfully as her mother closed the door and scuffed to her study, where she started pulling piles of papers out of her briefcase. ‘’With all my friends! And a big cake! And horses! And a castle!’’ Hillary couldn’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm.

‘’And where would we put that, Chels? Don’t you think a castle is too big for our backyard?’’ Chelsea looked at her with those big blue puppy eyes of hers and Hillary knew she couldn’t say no to her. Unfortunately, she had inherited that expression from her father. ‘’I’ll talk to your grannies and we’ll see what we can do’’ Her little daughter exploded with happiness and hugged her mom.

‘’Thank you, mommy. I love you. I’m going to tell daddy’’ And she left the room looking for Bill, leaving Hillary alone.

She sat heavily on her chair and ran her hands through her heir, trying to figure out how she would do it. It was not only the fact that she had to find horses and a castle for her daughter but also, she had to appear with her husband as a happy couple in front of the press and their friends. And Chelsea. Especially Chelsea. She wasn’t aware of their parents’ deeply wounded marriage and she intended to keep it that way. She would spare her the pain as long as she could and hopefully in the meantime, she and Bill would fix things. But she wouldn’t fool herself, he would cheat again. It didn’t matter if he loved her, he would fall for the first blond temptation that crossed his path whenever things got difficult. And she would be waiting for him to come back, ready to forgive him and believe his words again and again. She would rather live that fucked-up life she had with Bill than be without him.

Hillary felt tears forming in her eyes as she thought about the sad reality of her marriage so she decided to put that thoughts aside and devote herself to the only thing that could prevent her from ruminating, her work

A few hours later, her stomach growled. She was starving. She had skipped dinner and hadn’t eaten anything at all since that morning. She knew she couldn’t continue working without eating so she would make an exception and go to the kitchen to grab something. She found Bill there, watching the raindrops running down the window glass as he absently dissected a sandwich. His appearance exuded sadness. Seeing him like that made her heart shrink. She wanted to ask him what happened but something inside her kept her from doing so.

She sauntered towards the fridge and opened it. Bill reacted to the noise and turned to face her, their eyes locking for a few seconds speaking the words they didn’t dare to. Hers expressed misery, pain and underneath all, hope. His shame, loss and fear.

‘’Sorry’’ She muttered and averted her eyes from him, focusing her attention in the range of foods she had in front of her. Cheese, eggs, ham, cake… She could picture all of them finding shelter in her big thunder thighs and the mere thought of it made her want to vomit. At the back of the fridge, she spotted a lonely bottle of Diet Coke and she decided to go for it. When she closed the door, Bill was again with his back turned on her. She didn’t feel her presence was wanted so she started to walk back to her study.

‘’Hillary’’ he called her when she had reached the doorway and she turned around. He seemed hesitant. ‘’We need to talk’’ Hillary nodded and sat on the stool. He looked at her unable to find the right words. She looked calm, cold, beautiful, disappointed. Like a doll abandoned by its owner when she got a new one for Christmas. Still beautiful, but used. With a history, with a past.

‘’I heard you the other day’’ she said abruptly. He wasn’t expecting her to speak first. He had been preparing his speech and rehearsing it in his mind for days, how he would deliver it, emotionlessly and direct, just like any of his political discourses and she would sit there looking at him speechless. But Hillary Rodham Clinton never ceased to surprise him. ‘’In your office. With her’’ She paused dramatically between words but Bill remained inexpressive ‘’Chelsea wanted to see you after school so we phoned your secretary and she told us you were free so we decided to pay you a visit. Clearly you weren’t free anymore when we arrived’’

‘’What did you tell Chelsea?’’ he asked, their daughter being his primary concern. Hillary shook her head. ‘’She didn’t hear you. She was showing a drawing to your secretary’’ He let out a sigh of relief that managed to anger Hillary.

‘’You don’t even bother to deny it anymore?’’ she spoke icily but her words masked rage and outrage. Bill swallowed hard. It was now or never.

‘’Hillary, I…’’ he closed his eyes. He couldn’t bear to look at her. ‘’I want a divorce’’

Hillary felt her heart sink. That was the least thing she was expecting. Pictures of their relationship flashed before her eyes. As if she was dying. As if he, after all those years of deadly wounds, had finally succeeded in killing her. She could barely breath. Her heart was pounding and she felt her face flushing. Suddenly, her vision became blurry and she could no longer see Bill clearly. She then knew what she had to do. She popped the bottle open and gulped it.

Bill stood still and looked at her wide-eyed. This reaction was not what he had expected and he didn’t know how to proceed. After several seconds, the cold liquid running down her throat and the sugar travelling through her veins finally managed to make her feel better.

‘’No’’ she simply said and stormed out of the room leaving a perplexed Bill Clinton wondering whether he should follow her or let her go.

Chapter Text

Hillary walked aimlessly along the corridors like a lost soul. She didn’t know where to go, where to hide. She wanted to escape, take the car and drive as far away from him as possible but at the same time, she was terrified he wouldn’t be there when she came back. Or even worse, she could be there. Acting as his wife, acting as a mother with Chelsea. She couldn’t stand the thought. Hot tears escaping her eyes for the first time since his devastating declaration of intent. She felt miserable and she could only think of one way to temporarily relieve the pain.

Bill watched her from behind as he silently followed her. It broke his heart seeing her like that because of him. He knew it wasn’t the first time he had hurt her but he had decided it would be the last one. She was strong and she would be okay, he was sure of that. And he would eventually be okay too. Gloria made him happy. Their relationship was fun, casual, easy. He could actually relax with her and forget about his job. But then again, she wasn’t Hillary. He would never share that deep connection they had with anybody but her. He would never love Gloria like he loved her, but because of that love, he had to let her go. He had to spare her as much suffering as he could and living with him would only lead to a life of misery because he knew he wouldn’t change. He had tried many times to be a good husband but failed. If he stopped seeing Gloria, he would cheat with somebody else. And she shouldn’t spend her life putting up with a flawed human being like he was. She had talent, she had brains and she had beauty. She would do great things if he didn’t hold her back. And he wouldn’t. He would put her first for once.

He watched her cross the door that leaded to the basement and lock it behind her. With a confused look, he shrugged in resignation and dragged his feet to the living room.

Hillary ran down the stairs and to the freezer and opened it without blinking. Many different kinds of ice creams appeared in front of her eyes. Chocolate, vanilla, cherry… She opted for the lemon flavored one and sat on the floor while she devoured it, stopping every thought with a spoonful. And then the mint one. And the rainbow sherbet one after that. She gobbled every single one of them until she felt she would explode. The physical pain surpassing the emotional pain for the first time that evening. Then, she curled up into a ball and laid down on the floor. Her face touching the gelid surface, keeping her awake. An endless stream of silent tears flowing down her face as she drowned in self-loathing and despair.

Bill had just finished his third beer and let out an audible sigh, then looked at his watch. Half past ten. He knew Gloria was waiting for him and he should be happy that for the first time, he didn’t have to sneak out to meet her but nevertheless, he was procrastinating. Something kept him from standing up and leaving to meet his lover, so he just stayed there, beer after beer, waiting for all his problems to solve by themselves. He was about to open a new bottle when he heard hurried steps up the stairs alongside faint cries. Hillary. He instinctively followed her to their room, then to their bathroom, where she found her on her knees, heaving into the toilet. She looked up at him for a moment before turning to the toilet to vomit again. Seeing her like that, bloodshot eyes and wet face from crying, awoke two recurrent feelings in him. Protectiveness and guilt. Without thinking, he kneeled behind her and started rubbing her back in an attempt to sooth the pain. When she was finished, she collapsed against him as he enveloped her with his arms and cradled her. They sat on the bathroom floor for a few minutes, without speaking. It was amazing that even though both of them were at the time each other’s main cause of pain, they were also each other’s most efficient solace.

Suddenly, another wave of nausea hit her and Bill repeated his previous actions. As he watched her, he remembered the last time they were in that situation, seven years ago. Hillary had suffered from morning sickness every single day until her third trimester and he had gladly helped her every time. A lonely tear rolled down his cheek. Things were different back then, they used to be full of hope and excitement about the arrival of their first baby. This time, however, this didn’t mean a beginning but an end instead.

Bill gently helped her get on her feet and lead her to the sink. Then left for the bedroom to get her nightgown but exited the bathroom as soon as he gave it to her, feeling she needed some privacy.

When Hillary emerged, she wasn’t expecting to see her husband sitting on their bed, with a worried look on his face. She thought he would be with the other woman but seeing him waiting for her warmed her heart a little. Maybe there was still hope for them.

‘’Are you feeling better?’’ he asked softly and she nodded. She tried to walk towards the bed but she felt her knees failing her. Before she knew it, she was in his arms and being carefully laid on the bed. She couldn’t fully comprehend this sudden change of his attitude. His previous coldness replaced with tenderness. Did she really look that bad? Did he pity her? Did she look helpless? Those kinds of questions spun in her mind and made her even dizzier. Between the dizziness, her heavy stomachache and her emotional sorrow, she thought she would pass out.

‘’It’s okay, Hilly. I got you’’ he assured her and squeezed her hand, ‘’I’ll go to the kitchen and make you some chamomile tea. It will make you feel better’’

‘’Thank you’’ she whispered, finding it hard to find the strength to speak and he smiled weakly.

A few minutes later, he came back with her tea and made sure she drank it all despite all the nausea. Then she laid back again, eyelids feeling heavier by the minute. Bill kissed her forehead and turned to leave when he heard her faint voice calling him

‘’Bill?’’

‘’Yes, honey?’’

‘’Please, lay with me tonight’’ and he couldn’t find the strength to say no to her. Because he wanted to. It would confuse everything; he was aware of that. But tonight she needed him and that was enough.

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Gloria looked through the window whenever she heard a car. Getting her hopes up every time only to finally realize he was not coming. With a resigned look, she blew the candles she had lit and put the bottle of wine in the fridge, then shuffled to her bedroom, trying to hold back her tears.

Chapter Text

Hillary woke up when the first rays of sunlight reached her face. Her mouth sour and her body aching but a feeling of warmth invaded her soul when she realized Bill’s hands were holding her stomach. His strong arms enveloping her, making her feel safe. Slowly, memories of the past night came to her mind. She had felt really sick and vomited multiple times until her stomach was completely empty. Yet, as unpleasant it was, Bill had been there to help her every single time. Her mouth curled into a smile when she remembered how concerned and sweet he had been, but it disappeared when she remembered what had caused it in the first place. She had eaten tons of ice cream but only after he mentioned that dreaded seven-letter word. Ashamed of herself, she quickly disentangled from his arms and walked to the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower could erase the disgusting feelings she was harboring towards herself.

Several minutes later, she came out of the bathroom with a much hopeful attitude, quietly humming a song as she sauntered over the chest of drawers with only a towel wrapped around her body. She opened the first one and retrieved a set of matching underwear and then threw a quick glance at her husband to make sure he was still asleep. He was, so she let her towel fall until she was completely naked. She looked at the clock and when she realized what time it was, she started to get dressed frantically. She was going to be late. But then, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror.

She suddenly stopped what she was doing and just stood there, in front of the mirror, analyzing herself. Starting at her round face with her chubby cheeks. Ugly. She looked down to her breasts. Too small for Bill’s hands, too small for everyone’s hands. Unattractive. Her eyes fixated now on her abdomen, her hands moving to try to circle her waist but she couldn’t. Not slim enough. Then she moved her hands down to settle at her hips, her fingers tapping her butt, her nails almost sinking into her blubber and travelling South afterwards, to her enormous thunder thighs that kept touching each other. Disgusting. Even with her vision blurry, she could perfectly see all her flaws and imperfections. It wasn’t surprising that Bill wanted a divorce. After all, who would want to be married to a fat cow when pageant queens were available? It is all my fault, she thought. If I were skinny, he wouldn’t want to leave. If I were beautiful, he wouldn’t cheat. A silent tear rolled down her cheek, soon to be followed by many more.

Bill woke up when he heard a soft humming he knew very well. His body was sore but a pleasant sensation filled him when he realized that he had slept in their bed for the first time in two weeks. It felt good. After a couple of minutes relishing the feeling, he slowly opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was her. How he had missed that. He observed her observing herself in the mirror. He noticed she had lost some weight but was still so goddamn sexy. He watched her hands touching her naked body, starting at her perky breasts, then down to her tiny waist to finally settle on her womanly hips, slowly massaging her round sensual ass. He felt himself becoming aroused. Tiny drops falling from her wet hair and flowing down her narrow back. Her hands caressing the smooth skin of her inner thighs, so close to her center but without touching it. His erection was becoming painful.

He stood up and walked towards her slowly not to startle her. Lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice his presence until he appeared behind her in the mirror and put his arms around her naked waist, pulling her to him. She sighed when she felt his hardness and felt herself slowly losing control when started dropping sweet kisses on her collarbone.

''Bill…’’ she muttered ''I… I can’t… I have to go to work’’

''Love, it’s Saturday’’ he said softly against the back of her neck. Her eyes opening wide at his clarification and much to her surprise, she threw her head back and started laughing. That full-throated laugh he loved and had missed so much. He couldn’t help but join her and soon, they were both laughing like they hadn’t in weeks. He managed to stop before she did and took advantage of her current position to attack her neck. That lighthearted moment being replaced with carnal thoughts. Her laugh quickly turned into a loud moan as he sucked slightly, careful not to leave any marks. His hands travelled North to massage her breasts and she feel a sudden wave of heat between her thighs.

He turned her around so she was facing him. He realized she had been crying as her eyes were red and her cheeks were still wet. He knew he had been the cause of her tears once again and he hated himself for that. And once again, he had put his own needs before her feelings. He was ashamed. He gently dried her cheeks with his thumbs and slowly withdrew from her, not willing to hurt her anymore. But Hillary grabbed his hand, not wanting to let him go this time. She looked into his light blue eyes then down to his mouth and back to his eyes again, begging to be kissed. Bill understood and eagerly crushed his lips against hers, kissing her almost furiously. His tongue requesting entrance, which she gladly allowed.

''Make me yours again’’ she pleaded between kisses, her voice full of need ‘’Make me feel beautiful’’

''You are beautiful’’ he whispered as he resumed their passionate exchange, running his hands down her body.

But her mind had drifted away, travelling back in time to that ball two months ago where he had said those very same words then she found him in a compromising position with a young waitress. He doesn’t mean it. He says it out of pity. Nobody likes a whale, not even Bill. He’s just faking it. Because he’s a man and I’m the only thing available right now. And because he’s guilty for cheating, but I can’t blame him. Why choose obese over thin? Why choose frumpy over elegant? Why choose imperfection over perfection? His thumb slowly massaging her clit stopped all those destructive thoughts.

''Don’t think, feel’’ He whispered in the most sensual way and she felt herself getting wetter by the moment. He could read her like an open book and knew exactly what she needed all the time. So did she. At that moment, she knew he needed her, his motives didn’t matter, but he needed her. And she needed him.

She felt herself losing control, her inner thighs burning with desire. She moaned against his mouth and Bill stuck his slender fingers into her canal, pulling in and out in sync with her hips, without abandoning her pleasure point. That was all it took for her to come hard, her lips screaming his name.

''Shh, honey, you are gonna wake Chelsea up’’ he murmured, with his hand still rubbing her clit, prolonging her pleasure. As much as that has turned him on, he managed to think about their daughter, sleeping next door. He didn’t want their little one to barge in and forcefully end their fun.

Hillary could only nod, her body still recovering from the intensity of her orgasm, her hands clutched to his shoulders in order not to fall down.

''We are not finished’’ his raw voice went directly to her core, awakening an unmistakable feeling once again. He kissed her again, slowly at first, testing her patience. He immediately realized it was very limited, as she took control of the kiss, making it deeper and hotter.

She violently removed his t-shirt and kissed his broad chest, leaving a trail of marks as she made her way down, an unconscious attempt to send a message to the other women. Bill didn’t mind at all, he loved that possessive side of her, it aroused him even more if that was possible.

When she got to his crotch, she playfully caressed it before pulling his pants and briefs down, freeing his proud manhood. She smiled at him before taking it into his mouth. She had the most beautiful smile, genuine and sweet but mischievous at the same time and he loved that it was only his. He savored the image in front of his eyes, his beautiful wife on her knees pleasuring him, even if he didn’t deserve it. Love was indeed selfless.

''Stop’’ he managed to say when he was getting close and she relented, kissing the tip of his penis before standing up to kiss his mouth. She is too good for me. Without wasting more time, he picked her up, her legs wrapped around his hips, hands running through his hair while his massaged her ass. He walked them slowly towards the bed, his legs trembling with desire.

When they finally reached it, he fell on top of her and pulled away just a little to position himself her at her entrance. He looked into her eyes, finding raw desire and deep love in them.

''I love you’’ he said before sinking inside of her, eyes still locked and she believed him. He started out slowly, wanting that moment to last forever. Eventually, his thrusts became more furious, getting him a naughty grin in return.

He rolled them over so she was on top of him, riding him hard. Her hips meeting his hurried pace, their breathings becoming erratic. In an unexpected action, he moved his hand to her clit and with just one touch, she reached her climax.

''Bill!’’ she screamed ''Fuck, Bill. Bill!!!’’ Her head thrown back, her eyes closed, losing herself in an ocean of pleasure. Breasts bouncing, hips moving even quicker than before. She’s a goddess, he thought.

Seeing her like that was the last push he needed to bring him to the edge and with one last thrust, he emptied himself inside of her.

''Oh my God, Bill’’ she simply said, head laying on his chest, his hand caressing her back.

''Did you like it?’’ he asked, proud of himself as he watched her trying to normalize her breath.

''Liking it is an understatement’’ he smiled and pulled her closer, his hand moving to one of her breasts.

''Why don’t you call your mom and ask her if she can take Chelsea this weekend?'' She opened her eyes wide. ‘’You know, because what I am going to do with you is not exactly G- rated’’

''Sounds like a plan’’ she giggled before his mouth captured hers.

Chapter Text

‘’Faster Bill, faster!’’ she demanded, her back laying on the counter and her legs on his shoulders as he pounded into her. With every deep stroke, a loud moan escaped her mouth. After their frantic sex marathon the day before, they were looking forward to enjoy a relaxing lunch but desire took them by surprise and he didn’t hesitate to take her in the very same kitchen. Fortunately, they had given their servants the day off.

 

Ding, dong.

 

The sound of the doorbell was completely ignored.

 

‘’You feel amazing, Hills. So fucking tight’’ she purposely clenched her inner walls around his member at his statement.

 

Ding, dong.

 

‘’Bill’’ she cried, on the verge of her orgasm ‘’I can’t hold it any longer’’

 

‘’Come for me, sweetheart’’ he said, struggling not do it before her.

 

Ding, dong, ding, dong.

 

‘’Who the fuck is that!?’’ he screamed in annoyance, starting to pull out of her. However, Hillary moved her legs from his shoulders and used them to circle his torso to successfully pull him to her again, preventing his cock from completely sliding out of her heat.

 

‘’No! Fuck me, Billy, fuck me!’’ hearing the desperation in her voice he knew he had to act like a man and finish what he had started, not only for her but also for him. Whoever was at the door would have to wait.

 

His hands moved to her breasts and she shifted to sit down and engage in a passionate kiss with her husband, her moans against his mouth timed to his thrusts as they both found release.

 

The kiss became less hurried, almost languid. Their tongues playing with one another as their hands caressed each other’s hairs tenderly, a non-spoken token of their love.

 

Ding, dong.

 

‘’I should really go and open. It must be important’’ he said breaking the kiss.

 

‘’No offense, honey, but I think you aren’t exactly fit to open the door right now’’ Hillary looked at his erection and biting her lower lip. She loved how fast she could turn him on. ‘’I’ll go’’

 

He chuckled and nodded while he watched her get dressed and put her messy hair up in a ponytail. If not for her flushed cheeks nobody would have guessed what they had been doing.

 

Ding, dong.

 

‘’I’m coming’’ she shouted as she walked towards the door.

 

‘’Not yet, baby’’ he shouted too and she couldn’t help but laugh as loud as usual. She had a good pair of lungs and he loved how loud she could be, whether she was laughing or screaming his name drunk in pleasure.

 

She opened the door with a big smile on her face to find a dark haired woman with a smile of her own plastered on her long pale face, her hazel eyes surrounded by endless eyelashes looking at her from head to toe, analyzing her.

 

‘’Hello, how can I help you?’’ Hillary asked, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

 

‘’Oh, hi. Is Mrs. Clinton home?’’

 

‘’I am Mrs. Clinton’’

 

‘’Sorry, Mrs. Clinton, I thought you were the maid’’ her smile grew when Hillary’s cheeks flushed even more. Whether it was anger or embarrassment she didn’t know but she found it amusing either way.

 

‘’And you are…?’’ She asked, almost in a rude tone. She wasn’t normally like that but this stranger with her eternal smile and her biting comments was annoying her and she couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated. She wouldn’t let the other woman see it but her comment had struck a nerve. Did she really look like the maid? She had always known that many women, including the one opposite her were more beautiful than she was but she had always thought that despite her obvious flaws, she was considered average, classy enough to be the Governor’s wife. Not a Jackie Kennedy but certainly not a maid. Not that she had anything against maids but she thought her ‘improvements’ in the past few years had made a difference. However, she realized it didn’t matter if she stopped wearing glasses or started buying fashionable clothes, she would never be considered good enough to be the First Lady of Arkansas. And that was without taking her fat body into account.

 

‘’My name is Sandra’’ the raven haired one answered after a while, breaking Hillary’s train of thoughts ‘’I am a Mary Kay Beauty consultant, and judging by your face, I think you would love some of our products. We have an eye serum that would do wonders to your dark circles and also an anti-age cream that will really help you with those nasty wrinkles. Not that you look bad for your age. How old are you, 50?’’

 

‘’I’m not interested’’ Hillary blurted defensively and closed the door, then leant against it and took a deep breath. She couldn’t be so insecure, she knew it, but she didn’t feel good about herself and strangers also seemed to feel the same way. She wasn’t beautiful, all her problems were due to that. Everything would have been different if she had been a Southern belle, soft spoken and pretty. Someone her mother in law would approve, someone Bill wouldn’t be ashamed of showing. Stop it, Hillary. She said to herself. He loves you, after this weekend, you can’t doubt his love or his desire.

 

And with that, abandoned those thoughts and headed to the kitchen to look for her husband, but he wasn’t there so she figured out he would be in their room as she hadn’t seen him in the living room either. She opened the door of their bedroom with energy.

 

‘’You won’t believe what has just happened’’ she exclaimed throwing her hands in the air, ready to rant about that woman to Bill. She was angry and hoped her attentive husband would be willing to relieve her. However, he found him sitting on their bed, properly dressed and tying his shoes with his coat already on. ‘’Where are you going?’’

 

‘’Sorry, Hillary, I forgot I need to go to my office, there are some bills I need to read for tomorrow’’

 

‘’I see, are you coming for dinner?’’ she was disappointed that their fun weekend had ended so soon but she understood his work was more important, fun would come later. Work hard, play hard.

 

‘’I don’t know’’ he simply said and approached her to kiss her goodbye. Her plump lips slightly open were a temptation but he couldn’t allow himself to fall back into her arms so he opted for her forehead instead and left, leaving a confused-looking Hillary.

 

 

Gloria gave the security agents a fake smile as she waved them goodbye. She knew they hated her, she knew they hated to let her in whenever she pleased and hated the fact that they had to somewhat participate if the Governor was cheating on his wife but those were orders from the boss and they had to deal with them. Besides, that was no ordinary cheating, she was saving the man of her dreams from an unfortunate marriage to an ugly, frigid woman. Or that’s what she thought before actually meeting the infamous Hillary Rodham Clinton.

 

Ugly she wasn’t. In fact, Gloria had to admit she was very pretty, her face so angelic and her body was quite nice as well. Also, while she certainly wasn’t very friendly at the end, she hadn’t seemed cold. She couldn’t understand why Bill would cheat on her or why he could want a divorce, she looked as if they had just had sex!

 

She quickly got into her car and punched the steering wheel. She was raging. Bill couldn’t do that to her, not after he promised he would leave his wife for her. Damn, she wanted to crash her car into their wall and kill them all! She needed to calm down, after all, she knew she wasn’t the first woman Bill had cheated on with although it was indeed the first time he had apparently thought of divorcing her, so she hoped she would be the last. I’m special. Bill is in love with me but he’s afraid so he has returned to what he knows. But one of them will screw up again very soon, it’s just a matter of time and I will be ready to welcome him back into my arms.

 

 

Bill Clinton drove aimlessly through the streets of Little Rock, his mind drifting away as his body drove almost in autopilot. He had told his bodyguards that he’d rather drive alone as it helped to clear his mind and luckily they had agreed. He really needed to get away for a while. As he watched the road in front of him, he remembered with tears in his eyes how wonderful this past weekend had been, how he and Hillary had reconnected, how they had laughed, kissed and had the best sex as usual. He smiled like an idiot remembering her face when she was on top of him, or under, or beside him. Her gorgeous eyes sparkling when he told her he loved her, and the sweetness in her voice when she said it back. Those three words were enough to warm his heart.

 

It had been the most wonderful dream, but hearing Gloria’s unmistakable high-pitched voice at their door had forced him to wake up. Forced him to realize that their incredible weekend was nothing more than an oasis in the middle of the desert, becoming smaller and smaller due to the sand storms. Sand storms that were external forces but also partially caused by their inner demons, mostly his. Both of them were destroying themselves, slowly burying down their oasis of love instead of making it grow, diminishing their chance of happiness.

 

They would have to fight hard for their relationship and he wasn’t sure if he could. She had always been the strong one and he loved her with all his heart but that had never stopped him from hurting her. He would need something more than love to fix their marriage, he would also have to fix himself. He knew it was a lost battle and he really wanted to fight it, he didn’t want anything more than to spend the rest of his life with her, the only woman he had ever loved and the only one he would ever love, but he also couldn’t deny that he was worried his efforts wouldn’t be enough, that fighting would only cause them more pain.

 

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn’t realized he had stopped his car in

front of a very familiar place. He’d been there more times that he would have liked to but that place always helped him to forget all his problems.

 

‘’Good afternoon, Governor. Same as usual?’’ the owner greeted him with a smile thet showed his crooked yellow teeth when Bill entered the place.

 

‘’Just a drink this time’’ he said, not willing to repeat previous mistakes that were one of the leading causes of the mess he was currently into.

 

‘’Of course, Governor Clinton’’ The man smirked and extended his hand and Bill placed a wad of cash on it.

 

He sat alone at the table where he was served a drink, followed by another, and another and eventually a whole bottle. His vision became distorted and he couldn’t feel his body by the time a figure of a voluptuous woman with not many clothes on came on stage.

 

The next thing he saw the following morning was her naked body lying beside him on the bed in a motel room.

Chapter Text

The silent treatment. That was what Bill had been giving Hillary the past few days after his newest indiscretion, making small talk when Chelsea was around but virtually ignoring her otherwise. And although they had slept in the same bed, he had made sure that not even their backs were touching and if he happened to wake up holding her, he would quickly move away from her, as if she was on fire. As if she disgusted him.

 

Hillary had never feel so worthless and powerless in her life. No matter what she tried, he wouldn’t talk to her, he wouldn’t even look at her unless it was strictly necessary. She wondered what had she done to make him change his attitude so drastically. After a weekend she would describe as marvelous she didn’t understand why he was acting even colder than before he asked for a divorce. She felt unable to find a solution, so they only thing she could do was cry practically every time she was alone, soldiering up when others were around, determined not to let them see her pain.

 

 

Maria, her secretary was the first to witness her excruciating agony after she had come into her office without knocking and found her sitting a corner, crying while clutching a picture of her and Bill on their wedding day.

 

‘’Mrs. Clinton, are you okay?’’

 

‘’Yeah, I’m fine. You know these stupid allergies’’ she answered without looking at her, trying to wipe her eyes as quickly as possible but a moment after she was sobbing again, increasing the worry of her secretary, who walked slowly towards her.

 

‘’You can trust me; I promise I won’t tell’’ Maria said kneeling beside her. Her warm brown eyes finally meeting Hillary’s icy blue. Finding an unexpected understanding in them, she felt safe to open up to her. Besides, she was a loyal employee who had earned her trust over the years.

 

‘’It’s my husband’’ she mumbled between sobs, her words practically intelligible. However, Maria understood. She had heard the many rumors circulating that he was a serious cheater and she didn’t understand how her smart, proud and self-assured boss could stay with him. ‘’He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t even look at me. I’ve tried everything but nothing works. I don’t know what I did and he won’t tell me. How am I supposed to fix this?’’

 

‘’Do you want my opinion?’’ she asked tentatively as she didn’t want to overstep. One thing was listening and other interfering and she wasn’t sure if Hillary wanted her to cross the fine line between them to offer her advice. She didn’t know if her advice would be well received and the last thing she wanted was to upset her more.

 

‘’Yes’’ she said weakly, her sobs halting slightly.

 

‘’You should leave him. He doesn’t deserve your tears’’ Her words didn’t have the intended effect, as Hillary started crying inconsolably while shaking her head.

 

‘’You don’t understand, you don’t understand. I can’t leave him, I can’t. I love him. I can’t live without him’’ Maria was surprised, she never thought this strong woman was so dependent on her husband.

 

‘’You are not living now. Do you think this is life? Crying over in a corner while he’s probably fucking another bimbo?’’ She knew she was blunt, but after escaping an abusive marriage of her own she knew the signs and was determined to make Hillary open her eyes.

 

‘’He makes me happy. Yes, he makes me cry sometimes but he is the only one who can make me the happiest woman on earth’’ Maria opened her eyes wide ‘’I don’t expect you to understand it. It’s complicated, I know. Our relationship is complicated but I need him in my life. I wouldn’t be what I am today without him’’

 

‘’A broken woman’’

 

‘’A broken woman only he can fix, just with the touch of his hand, just with a smile or a few words. It’s crazy but he’s my happiness. I’d go through the most excruciating pain just for a few ephemeral moments of absolute joy with him. You know, our relationship has always been like a rollercoaster, with it highs and lows. I truly believe we can fix this. For us and for Chelsea. I will do my best to be the woman he needs’’ she stated, not sure if he was trying to convince Maria or herself

 

‘’You know this is not your fault, right? You shouldn’t feel responsible, he’s the one to blame’’

 

‘’But I am responsible. I sometimes push him into all those other women’s arms. He sometimes does it to punish me. It’s my fault as much as his. But he comes back, he always does’’ Maria opened her mouth wide. She’d never realized her boss would be in such a toxic relationship. It was not like her failed marriage, she was sure of it. Still her advice was the same.

 

‘’Let him go. This is not healthy’’

 

‘’I can’t. Not just because I don’t want to but for Chelsea too. It would break her heart. And Bill. He needs me. I know how self-destructive he can be and I’m the only one who can help him. I’m the only one he trusts. I just can’t’’ her sobs resumed at the thought of something happening to Bill, of him fully succumbing to his demons. She would never forgive herself if she didn’t help the man he loved. Through the good and the bad times as she vowed in their wedding. ‘’Besides, he has potential. He’s going to get far. He’s going to be president and help the American people the way he’s helped here in Arkansas and he needs me by his side. We are going to make things better together. I can’t be so selfish and throw it all away’’

 

Maria was finally speechless; she didn’t know how to reason with Hillary, how to make her understand that, in her opinion, she’d be better off without him. Before any of them could say anything else, there was a knock on the door. Hillary composed herself quickly and sat in her desk before letting Maria open.

‘’Good afternoon, ma’am’’ the mailman greeted her from the door ‘’I have a letter for you, could you sign here?’’

 

‘’Of course, come in’’ she said and the young man entered her office while Maria left. Hillary took the form he was handing her and signed it with decisiveness before biding him goodbye and giving him a generous tip for his services.

 

Once she was alone, she sank back into her chair and observed the envelope, lightly tapping the opening with her little fingers while reading the name of the sender. Worsham Law Firm. It can’t be it, she tried to convince herself. Her heart skipped a beat and she tore the envelope apart just to realize her suspicions were correct. Before her eyes there were the divorce papers.

 

Her previous sadness completely forgotten as an intense feeling of fury filled her body. Without further delay, she grabbed her coat and purse and stormed out of her office.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bill Clinton was reading some papers when he heard a commotion in the hallway.

 

‘’Let me announce you first’’ he heard his assistant say rather desperate.

 

‘’Why? Is he with one of his sluts?’’ The obvious anger in the voice of his wife made him stand up and go to the door quickly. He wasn’t sure what had driven her so mad but he knew that when she was angry, she was like a volcano and everyone should be afraid.

 

‘’What is going on here?’’ he asked as soon as he stepped out of his office and into the hallway. Hillary looked at him, her eyes blazing before pushing him back into his office and slamming the door behind her.

 

‘’What is wrong with you?’’

 

‘’What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you!? You miserable bastard!’’ she yelled, walking towards him as he recoiled until he hit his desk.

 

‘’Hillary, I don’t know what you think I did but I’m sorry, ok?’’ he said condescendingly in a failed attempt to calm her down.

 

‘’You don’t know? My ass!’’ she opened her purse and pulled the papers out to show them to him ‘’Are you telling you didn’t know your lawyers sent me these!? That they did it behind your back!?’’

 

As soon as Bill saw the papers he suddenly understood. He had scheduled the sending two weeks ago, as soon as he decided he wanted to divorce her, not trusting himself that he wouldn’t change his mind and get back with her. He had been right; he had fallen right back into her arms just hours after asking her. He couldn’t help it, she pulled him like a magnet. But his decision was irrevocable, he would divorce her. It would be the best for them. Hopefully when the divorce was final, they would begin a new life apart of each other, without their baggage and the pain, although they would undoubtedly live with a void in their hearts.

 

 ‘’I’m sorry, Hillary, but I think it’s the best for us’’

 

‘’For us? For you! Did you think of Chelsea? You know that a divorce would destroy her! But of course you only care about being free to hook up with the first brainless tramp that looks at you twirling her hair and chewing gum’’ She mockingly imitated those attitudes and he felt and unmistakable twitch in his crotch. His gaze automatically focused on her breasts, almost spilling out of her low cut top, rising and falling rapidly due to her ragged breath. He bit his lip. The sexual tension was almost palpable and Hillary wasn’t indifferent to it too. The first signs of arousal started to appear in her body and she took a step back, not trusting herself.

 

‘’This is what I do with your fucking papers!’’ She teared the papers in two in a dramatic gesture.  Her burning eyes never leaving his equally flaming ones. Burning with fury and burning with desire. As was a usual custom for them, those two feelings merged into one and they both knew what was going to happen next.

 

Bill grabbed her arms and pulled her to him, their mouths crushing while he removed her jacket and kneaded her breasts through her top, nipples fully hardening. A loud moan escaped her mouth and he echoed. ‘’I hate you’’ she said between kisses. He hoisted her up and sat her on his desk. He pulled away momentarily to remove his pants and briefs, and something clicked in Hillary’s head. Before she knew it, Bill was over her, her back leaning on the desk. He pushed her skirt up as he pressed his erection against her center, still shielded by her panties. Bill moved the silky fabric aside with his slender fingers. They were getting to a point of no return and the voice inside her head telling her to stop became louder.

 

‘’Stop it’’ she murmured, grabbing Bill hand and moving it out of her panties. He kissed her hungrily again, rubbing his hardness against her inner thigh. Her desperation grew, he wasn’t taking her seriously. He wouldn't force her, would he?

 

‘’Stop it!’’ She yelled this time and he reluctantly retreated, confusion in his eyes. ‘’I am not your fucking toy’’

 

She hurriedly fixed her clothes and left his office as fast and abruptly as she had entered.

Chapter Text

Hillary sighed heavily before taking yet another sip from her glass in an unconscious attempt to make the current experience more enjoyable. She had never been fond of dinners or fundraisers but this one was becoming more unbearable by the moment.

 

She looked at the dancefloor then to the ladies sitting around her. The neglected ones. Middle-aged socialites whose husbands didn’t even bother to ask them for a dance and relegated themselves in a corner of the ballroom, exchanging pleasantries and gossiping about the latest rumors. Although she had nothing against these ladies, she didn’t feel comfortable. No matter how welcoming they had been to her accepting her into their selected group (partly because she was the Governor’s wife), it wasn’t her element.

 

She looked at her husband, talking to these women’s husbands, oil tycoons and lawyers, probably about golf or their latest affairs and seemingly enjoying himself. When had they become like them? Never in their almost 11-year marriage had he acted so cold in public. Even in the middle of their worst fights he had acted attentive and loving to keep up appearances, dancing for hours staring into each other’s eyes, paving the way for an anticipated reconciliation. But it was different this time. They had rarely made eye contact during the dinner and the moment the table was cleared he had stood up, ready to mingle and distance himself from her.

 

She hadn’t wanted to go to the party in the first place, putting up a fight that Bill’s talented fingers had won. He had had her so worked up that she would have agreed to practically everything if that meant he would make her come and she hated herself for that. Just one touch and he could make her lose her resolve. But she wouldn’t want it to ever change. Every time their lips touched a jolt of electricity shook her and when his long elegant fingers played with her body she was in heaven. Hillary felt a sudden wave of heat travelling from her center to her cheeks. She was suffocating. She grabbed her glass again, desire pooling between her thighs

 

''Can I have this dance?’’ Her eyes met the man’s in front of her and she almost choked. His thick auburn hair, his wide perfect smile and his muscular body hidden under his black tuxedo made her even more aroused. This stranger didn´t know that at that moment, he could take her against the wall and she wouldn’t protest. She blushed at her own dirty thoughts and nodded before taking the hand he was offering her.

 

He led her into the middle of the dancefloor, his piercing green eyes never leaving hers and she almost felt naked under his intense gaze. He placed his strong hand on her back, then started swaying along with the music.

 

''My name is Hugo Kerrigan’’ he said, in a British-accented voice that made her even crazier, ''What’s yours, pretty lady?’’

 

''Hillary Rodham… Clinton’’

 

''Well, Miss Clinton, you are beautiful. I’ve been watching you the whole evening, I couldn’t take my eyes off you’’ He said smiling and Hillary had to fight the urge to throw herself into his arms and kissing him passionately. Am I really so needy? She thought. It had been barely two weeks since the last time she and Bill had made love and she’d endured longer droughts in the past but this time she felt desperate for feeling a man inside her and she didn’t mind this particular one. Control yourself, Hillary. Try not to think with your vagina. You are better than this.

 

''Is it Miss Clinton or Mrs. Clinton?’’ he wanted to be sure before proceeding in his pursuit of her.

 

''Mrs. Clinton’’ She looked down uncomfortable.

 

''I knew it. Someone so beautiful as you are couldn’t be single. Lucky man’’ she smiled weakly and he fell in love with her smile.

 

''So, Mrs. Clinton…’’

 

''You can call me Hillary’’ his smile grew and so did hers.

 

''Hillary’’ her name fell out of his lips in almost a whisper and he was surprised at how familiar it felt. Did love at first sight exist? He didn’t know but this woman in front of his was awakening things he was not familiar with. He had never been in love. His was the life of a bachelor, one pretty woman after another but this golden-haired beauty was something else. The moment he saw her smile and got lost into her blue eyes, he knew he would gladly settle down and start a family with this one. Only if she wasn’t married.

 

''I’m a businessman, Hillary. I have hotels all over the world and I’m currently building an impressive resort in Rio, but I also like to devote my free time to the charity as patron for some of them back in London’’ He was trying to impress her but he also didn’t want her to feel like he was self-obsessed ‘’What about you? You are not from here either, are you? I can tell by your accent.’’

 

''No, I’m from Chicago. I came here after I graduated from Yale Law School and interned for a couple of years in Washington’’ his mouth opened slightly in surprise. He wanted to ask why she moved to Arkansas but she continued speaking.

 

''I’m a lawyer. I’m a partner at the Rose Law Firm here in Little Rock and um…’’ Hillary hesitated to reveal her other job, to tell this man who her husband was. She didn’t know why but with him she felt more like Hillary Rodham before meeting Bill Clinton and that made her feel guilty but thrilled her at the same time. Fortunately, he didn’t notice her hesitation and spoke again.

 

''Whoa! That’s so impressive, Hillary! You know, from the moment I saw you I had the feeling you were more than a pretty face’’ She blushed and he found it endearingly cute. He’d heard that most upper-class women in the South were devoted homemakers, but of course he should have known she was different. Knowing that she was a progressive woman who wasn’t financially dependent on her husband made him even more in awe of her. Since his childhood, he’d heard or read tales of people falling in love. He knew the theory, heart racing, butterflies in the stomach… But those feelings he had deemed as chick-lit’s bullshit were becoming real. Could she be the one? He needed to find out.

 

''I’m having some legal problems with the permits for my hotel in Rio, maybe you could help me with that’’ He already had another law firm looking into that matter but he was willing to pay to firms just to have an excuse to see her again.

 

''Yeah, I’d love to’’ she smiled up to him and they both fell into a comfortable silence. After a few minutes, he pressed her closer to him, chests almost touching and she could feel the heat emanating from his body. Their proximity, along with all their twirling around and all the Champaign she had consumed were making her lightheaded.

 

Although she normally had a pretty high tolerance to alcohol, that night she had successfully resisted the temptation the vast array of delicious foods served during the dinner offered and just eaten a few bits here and there for the show, and that was now taking its toll. Feeling unable to stand still, she rested her head on his chest as he enveloped her with his strong arms.

 

Their bodies fitted perfectly, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. She wrapped her arms around his neck, absently caressing his nape. Both of them intoxicated with each other’s scent, as if they were under a spell. ''What are you doing to me?’’ he muttered, more to himself than to her, as he lowered his hand on her back and caressed her golden curls with the other.

 

Hillary noticed the growing bulge pressing against her stomach. She wasn’t imagining it. It wasn’t one-sided, he was feeling it too. Panties drenched, courage summoned up by the alcohol and all thoughts about Bill temporarily erased from her mind, she raised her head and looked at him.

 

''What do you want from me?’’ she said smiling and eyeing him like a panther stalking her prey. The people around them completely forgotten, the only things that mattered were them and their dangerous seduction game. His lips were hovering above hers, mere inches away. They were both craving it. One slight movement and they would join.

 

Bill Clinton had been watching them from afar, not wanting to make a scene just because of a harmless dance, although jealously had been consuming him from the very first moment that handsome stranger had invited her to dance. He knew he was her type but he had been confident that her sense of decorum and the respect and love he knew she had for him would be enough for her to restrain herself. However, based on their latest actions he wasn’t sure it was just an innocent dance so he decided he would intervene.

 

''Enough!’’ his strong arm yanked her away from Hugo’s, looking at them with fire in his eyes. While Hillary looked down in embarrassment, the British man held his gaze, subtly telling him he would not be deterred.

 

''Mr. Clinton, I suppose’’ Hugo said, offering him his hand and grinning. Bill shook it out of politeness while pulling Hillary close to him, his free hand gripping her waist possessively.

 

''It’s Governor Clinton for you’’ he watched the other man’s grin diminishing slightly and he couldn’t suppress a smile of his own.

 

First Lady of Arkansas, he thought, slightly taken aback by the revelation. That was going to make things more difficult. He couldn’t just take her away from him, convince her to divorce him and then elope, just like he had convinced many women to drop everything and run away with him. This isn’t going to be easy but when have I backed off at a challenge? And she’s not like the others, she’s special, she’s worth every effort. He smiled, thinking of his next move, then remembering something he had chosen not to mention to Hillary when he was introducing himself as it could backfire and repel her instead of attracting her. However, he saw his opportunity to use it as an ace upon his sleeve his opponent probably wasn’t expecting as they hadn’t been properly introduced. He felt the urge to show the Governor who was the most powerful of the two if he wanted to win the contest and claim the prize.

 

''Nice to meet you, Governor. I’m Lord Hugo Kerrigan, Earl of Sunderland, heir to the Dukedom of Marlborough’’ this time it was Bill’s smile’s turn to diminish while Hugo’s grew. Inadvertently, they had engaged in a battle of egos for the love of Hillary, who remained silent, burrowing her face in Bill’s chest, unable to look at them.

 

Although, she felt good to be the object of desire for once in her life, having her husband and another man practically fighting over her instead of being the one to compete with other women for her Bill’s attentions, she didn’t feel comfortable. It was wrong and it was all her fault. Bill’s jealousy was normally something to look forward as it boosted her self-esteem and usually led to passionate consequences, but this time she had crossed the line. She had disrespected her husband. She had acted as if she wasn’t married, as if she was one of those woman men like Bill picked for fun then discarded them. Hugo probably wanted her for the same thing, or what else could possibly a British want with her if not easy sex? Easy sex with an easy American woman and she almost fell in his trap. You are so easy, Hillary. You are what you criticize Bill’s mistresses of being. Only uglier and fatter. He probably just picked you because you looked the most desperate and needy. A couple of sweet words and he had you right where he wanted to. You are pathetic. She fought back tears as she heard the faint voices of the men talking next to her, seeming farther away by the second.

 

''Holy shit, Hillary!’ Bill exclaimed as his wife collapsed in his arms. He quickly carried her to an empty sofa and started palming her color-drained cheeks softly. She slowly opened her blue eyes and they locked with Bill’s. He smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead before handing her a glass of water. As the cooling liquid ran down her throat, she slowly came out of her haze, recollections of the previous minutes finding a way to her mind. Her eyes now examining the curious faces of those gathered around them, including Hugo’s. She felt observed, like a freak show attraction and even worse, she felt judged.

 

She stood up quickly, wanting nothing more than to run away but her wobbly knees and dizzy head prevented her from doing it. She felt her husband’s arm on her back to steady her.

 

''Let’s take you home’’ he whispered before saying his goodbyes and apologies to the hosts and the other guests and carrying her all the way to the car.

Chapter Text

The days following the party, nothing out of the ordinary happened, or at least nothing out of what had sadly became their life. Not many words, not many looks and even less touching, despite Bill’s slight change of attitude and that had him incredibly worried. He could tell something about her was definitely off as she hadn’t crawled back into his arms at the first signs that he was willing, or at least contemplating, taking her back, forgetting about the divorce and giving their marriage another try. Instead, she had been cold, just cordial and pleasant enough, especially in front of their daughter but distant otherwise, not even willing to make small talk with him on most days.

 

He found his worries slowly escalating to panic, especially after one night when he touched her hand after dinner and she recoiled. Never in their marriage had she recoiled at his touch and he feared she had reached her boiling point, that she had had enough of him and the rollercoaster of emotions he and his demons put her through. He wondered if her meeting that British lord had been the last push she needed to realize she could be better off without him.

 

Even though, he had been the one wanting to divorce her in the first place, he hadn’t contemplated the possibility of losing her to another man. His male ego couldn’t stand it and neither could his heart. It was true he had tried to convince himself it would be better to set her free but the mere thought of Hillary with someone else made his blood boil. He loved her, with all his heart and he wanted her just for himself. He knew it was selfish and hypocritical and he suddenly felt stupid for not having thought about it when he made this foolish decision he was starting to regret. Was it too late?

 

The doubt was killing him and over the next few days, he tried harder. Romantic dates she managed to turn down alleging she was busy and expensive gifts she reluctantly accepted that didn’t have the intended effect as Hillary would reject his subsequent sexual advances with obvious excuses like ‘’I have a headache’’ or a ‘’I’m on my period’’. It was torture and her denying him only made him want her even more. Eventually, he went back to Gloria’s bed to release his frustrations, an undoubtedly bad move if he wanted to get back in his wife’s good graces but it was the only way he knew to get his mind off things. That and alcohol. I’m so fucked up, he thought and just prayed to God to get out of the abyss soon.

 

Hillary’s idea of taking her mind off things was completely different. She worked, she worked so hard she often got neck cramps and backache from spending so much time bent over her desk. And on the rare occasions she wasn’t working, she was with Chelsea or even working out. Everything but spending time alone with her husband. She was determined not to forgive him so easily this time, not until he proved to her it would really be different this time. Because it didn’t matter how many dollars he spent on her, she knew he was only doing it because he felt threatened by the attention she had received, not because he genuinely wanted to changed and be a good husband. She was punishing him, but she was also punishing herself for giving him motives to act like that, for objectifying herself.

 

Because Hugo had been courting her too.  His early call to her office the day after the party had been a very pleasant surprise as she hadn’t given him her number and the idea of a man, let alone a very attractive and powerful man was so interested in her to investigate, flattered her. The conversation between them had flowed so easily. In fact, she didn’t remember herself opening so quickly to anyone since she met Bill. They had talked about a wide variety of topics for almost an hour, the supposed business purpose of the call only discussed during the last then minutes when a bout of responsibility suddenly hit her.

 

And that had led to a meeting the following day, and then to many more. They both managed to conduct themselves professionally. But the sensual tension was almost tangible, undressing each other with their intense gazes and her eyes fluttering when he was close were signs she couldn’t ignore. She didn’t know how much longer she would hang in there before she did something she would undoubtedly regret. Hillary didn’t want to be one of those girls who dilapidated her marriage by cheating despite Bill’s recurring philandering of his own. Because it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t just physical. In her case, she felt her heart was on the brink of falling too and guilt was eating her alive.

 

She thought about stopping seeing him and ending their collaboration but denying him her help, denying anyone her help was not in her nature. Besides, it was against the Methodist motto she lived by and especially when they were making great progresses and their work was yielding results. Therefore, she would have to be strong because she undoubtedly loved Bill and she hoped they could mend their marriage once and for all. She knew she could totally use Hugo to make him jealous but she wasn’t like that she didn’t want to cause the man she loved an ounce of pain.

 

Thus, she kept herself as busy as she could, not allowing herself a minute to think, not even in bed as she exhausted herself so much she fell asleep immediately, not even having enough time to check when Bill went to sleep. She just saw his sleeping body in the mornings, leading her to the wrong conclusion that this time he wasn’t cheating. That just put more pressure on her not to be the one to screw up as he was apparently doing his part.

 

The day of Chelsea’s birthday, Hillary and Bill had breakfast with their little girl and opened some presents early in the morning, amidst genuine laughter and unshed tears on her part that she had successfully contained so she didn’t ruin the moment. Then Virginia arrived, dampening the mood. She looked at Hillary disapprovingly because she was still in her pajamas, hair disheveled and bare face. What Bill found attractive and cute, Virginia found disrespectful so Hillary she decided she’d better leave as she didn’t feel like listening to her mother-in-law lecturing her about not being enough, not doing enough. Hillary already knew that and didn’t want to be reminded, not today.

 

After a shower and dolling up, she went to her office. She sat heavily on her chair while her mind inadvertently started to analyze the situation. For a couple of hours, they had been a family again, all the transgressions and pain forgotten. She missed that, she missed what they used to have. When did all started to go wrong? Bill had been cheating from the beginning of their relationship and she had put up with it because she loved him and he loved her. And she’d rather share him than live without him. This time, however, he had actually been willing to dump her and replace her for someone more suitable. Not being beautiful nor well-behaved enough for the liking of the people in Arkansas, starting with his mother was undoubtedly part of the problem but there had to be something else, another factor that had triggered his decision. With her mind on full lawyer mode, Hillary started dissecting the problem, knowing she would need to identify its root of to find a solution. Suddenly, all the pieces came together and the realization hit her. She placed a hand on her lower abdomen as a lonely tear rolled down her cheek.

 

Half an hour later, Bill stood silently in the doorway, observing her. He watched her reading through some papers, brow frowned, her concentration never faltering. He thought she looked like an angel, her hair shining under the light that came from the window and crowned with her favorite accessory, a golden headband that gleamed under the sun like a halo. Her eyelashes, dark and long, framing her beautiful eyes. Her apple cheeks slightly blushed, her lips pink. But if her face exuded innocence, her body invited to sin. Bill gulped when his gaze focused on her perfect perky breasts, threatening to escape out of her dress as she was bending forward. He felt his pants tightening and he leaned on the door, making it creak.

 

Hillary looked up, slightly startled. He smiled softly as an apology but he got nothing but a glare in return ‘’Your mom’s here’’ he simply said and she nodded before standing up and walking out of the room. He couldn’t help but stare at her swaying hips and ass as he followed her through the corridors of the mansion. She was driving him crazy. It didn’t matter how much sex he had with Gloria or other women, no one could ever be compared to her. Hillary was fire and he knew it was a fire he could never extinguish. His thirst for her would never be quenched.

 

They both stopped right before entering the foyer and took a deep breath, albeit for different reasons. 3,2,1. They counted simultaneously in their minds. Smile, she said to herself as she crossed the arch and approached her mother, Bill trailing her with renewed self-control.

 

‘’Hillary, sweetheart!’’ Dorothy greeted and hugged her daughter effusively. When they separated, she looked at Hillary from the bottom to the top and her sixth sense regarding her daughter told her something was off. She had obviously lost some weight and looked tired but what worried her the most was the sadness her eyes oozed despite the broad smile plastered on her face.

 

She turned to greet her son-in-law. She couldn’t read him as well as her daughter but she had the feeling he wasn’t very happy either. Dorothy observed their interactions while the three of them chitchatted. Judging by the lack of warmth, especially on Hillary’s part, she deduced they were having a crisis. She knew of her son-in-law’s extramarital activities and although it hurt her that he was hurting her daughter, she knew how men are sometimes. Her own husband cheated on her and came back and she was sure Bill loved Hillary like Hugh loved her. Or perhaps even more. On other occasions, Dorothy would be confident they’d fix it for their family but this time, Dorothy felt something else was haunting her daughter and she would have to find out what.

 

‘’Where’s dad? Is he parking?’’ Hillary asked and her mother when they were walking to the garden to see Chelsea. She looked at her hopeful smile and knew she couldn’t tell her the truth, that her dad had refused to come out of embarrassment and disappointment after that incident at the party the whole city was talking about.  ‘’I don’t want to be the laughed at or pitied for being the father of the drunk’’ had been his exact words, which didn’t mask the resentment he harbored against Hillary at the moment. He had always held his daughter to impossibly high standards and every failure, every scandal, made him profusely angry.

 

‘’He couldn’t come, Hill. He wasn’t feeling very well’’ Hillary dropped her gaze and her steps faltered slightly. She knew what this was about, she was used to her dad’s passive-aggressive form of punishment but it still hurt. Bill grabbed her hand in a reassuring gesture and she looked at him in the eyes. He held her gaze he, letting her know he knew what was going on. She kept walking, not letting go of his hand and feeling slightly better because he understood her and because he was touching her.

 

It didn’t take long for the rest of the guests to arrive and soon, everyone was in a good mood celebrating Chelsea. The children were delighted with the entertainments which ranged from ponies, to an air castle. All Chelsea had wanted, she got it. After all, Hillary and Bill could never deny anything to their little girl on her birthday.

 

The adults were also having a good time, engaging in interesting conversations and enjoying the food and the music. In order to greet all their guests properly, Bill and Hillary walked together from one group to another, trying not to let anyone feel left out. Bill watched his wife with the corner of his eye, mingling easily and getting along with everybody. It was no wonder her hostess abilities were being praised as she was gracious even to people she knew were talking behind her back. And she was charming. He never understood why people said she wasn’t; she was the most charming person he’s ever met. And the wittiest, the funniest, the most interesting, the prettiest…

 

‘’Are you ok?’’ Bill asked her after finishing greeting a group of soccer moms from Chelsea’s school. Her cheeks had been turning increasingly red and her palms were clammier by the minute.

 

‘’I’m so hot’’ she said while fanning herself with her hand and he bit her lip. He knew it wasn’t her intention to turn him on but nevertheless she did.

 

‘’I’ll bring you a glass of lemonade’’ he said and she smiled. He found it hard to keep his eyes off her cleavage so he just left as quickly as he could, not wanting to get an erection in the middle of his daughter’s birthday.

 

Right after he left, Hillary turned around to look for her mother but who she spotted was someone very different. Sandra, the rude saleswoman she met three weeks ago, was strolling confidently across her yard. What is she doing here? Hillary though, Is she trying to make a profit at my daughter’s party? No fucking way! Fuming, she strode towards one of their bodyguards and demanded he threw her out.

 

‘’I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t. We’re following orders’’ he said sternly.

 

‘’Orders? From whom?’’ The bodyguard looked at her unsure, but she already knew the answer, only two people had the authority to do that. She scanned the backyard and when she didn’t find Bill, she suddenly understood ‘’Oh, I see’’ she muttered and walked away.

 

She went back to the party, her eyes watery but she couldn’t cry. She quickly started a conversation with the parents of one of Chelsea’s best friends but she couldn’t focus. Images of Bill fucking her in their bed right now played in her mind. They don’t respect anything, not even Chelsea’s birthday. And certainly not me. Her breathing started to become ragged, she was so angry. And she was hurt. A wave of heat ran through her body, her clothes seeming impossibly tight. She was suffocating. Not again, she thought as her vision started to become blurry. She suddenly hated herself for vomiting all her breakfast. Hillary grabbed the glass of root beer the woman in front of her was holding and downed it much to her surprise but it was to no avail. Before she knew it, she had collapsed again.

 

‘’What the fuck are you doing here?’’ he asked angrily slamming the door shut. He’d received a tip from one of his bodyguards telling him she was in his office and he had rushed there, hoping to throw her out without anyone noticing.

 

‘’I wanted to see you, baby’’ Gloria said stepping closer, her fingers running down the collar of his shirt but he yanked her arm away. He hated this kind of surprises on her part, especially when he sensed a sense of malice in them, like that time she had visited his home three weeks ago with the sole purpose of upsetting Hillary, despite claiming she didn’t know he was with her. Eventually, that time he believed her and forgave her but now she had done something similar again and she wouldn’t meet the same fate.

 

‘’You know I don’t like you in my house without telling me. I have a family. If I call you, you come. Otherwise, stay away from my home’’ he said nonchalantly ‘’As a matter of fact, from now on you will stay away from me all the time. We’re done, Gloria’’

 

‘’I’m sorry baby, please don’t get mad at me. I just wanted to make you happy. I know you can’t sneak out tonight so I came here to give you some love’’ her sultry voice wasn’t affecting him like she wanted too so she tried something else and grabbed his member through his pants ‘’It’s unfair your daughter gets presents today and you don’t have any. I want to give you a gift too’’ she kneeled before him and started unbuttoning his pant but he pushed her hand away.

 

‘’No, stop.’’ She didn’t stop. One hand rubbing him while the other worked on his button, then on his zipper. He was finding it hard not to fall but he knew he couldn’t. If he wanted to get his wife back, his philandering had to end. He pushed her away again, perhaps too strongly as she lost balance and fell to the floor.

 

‘’I’m sorry, are you okay?’’ he said, offering her a hand but as soon as she took it and stood up, she pulled him for a kiss.

 

There was a knock on the door that was his chance to finally push her away. He looked around nervously, afraid to get caught with Gloria. Despite having rejected her advances, he knew nobody would believe him and Hillary would end up hurt as always. That was the last thing he wanted. He motioned for Gloria to hide behind a curtain, then sat on his chair and pretended to be reading some papers.

 

‘’Come in’’

 

‘’Governor Clinton’’ one of his agents said opening the door ‘’It’s Mrs. Clinton. She fainted’’

 

He stood up and immediately walked out of his office only thinking about his wife. Worry overwhelmed him, making him completely forget about the woman he left in his office, still hiding behind the curtain in a house now filled with people.

Chapter Text

‘’Mmm’’ she mumbled when she felt soft slaps in her cheeks. Ever so slowly, she opened her blue eyes to find her mother in law’s stern face looking down at her with contempt. She closed her eyes again, hoping she would go away.

 

‘’She’s awake’’ Virginia announced, her voice flat. As soon as she said that, both Dorothy and Bill rushed to the bed, each of them grabbing one of her delicate hands.

 

She opened her eyes again and blinked a few times to get accustomed to the lighting. She realized she was in her room with her mom, Bill’s mom and Bill himself. When she remembered what had brought her there, she moved her hand away from Bill’s and went to hug her mom. She immediately brought her daughter to her chest, cooing her softly. Bill frowned at her confusing behavior but he shrugged, and decided not to read much into it, deeming it as a reflex.

 

‘’Sweetheart, are you okay?’’ Dorothy asked her and she nodded. With her head on her mother’s chest, Hillary was transported back to her childhood, when her mother’s arms where the most effective source of comfort. Now she was older, her problems undoubtedly more serious but her mom still had the same calming effect on her.

 

‘’I think we should call a doctor. It’s the second time she faints this week’’ Bill suggested.

 

‘’I don’t think that’s necessary. She just got overheated, due to the lack of hydration and regarding the other day… Well, we know this young lady likes the booze a little too much’’ Virginia smirked and both Bill and Dorothy ignored her bitter remarks.

 

‘’Still, mom, letting a doctor see her wouldn’t hurt’’

 

‘’Billy, dear, we would be wasting his time. Surely there are people who really need a doctor and we can’t prevent him from helping them to come here to check up on a woman who is perfectly fine. I’m a nurse, I know what I’m talking about’’ Bill looked at Dorothy looking for support but he was surprised she nodded in agreement with Virginia.

 

‘’But…’’

 

‘’I’m fine, I don’t need a doctor’’ Hillary interrupted him and sat straight, looking at Bill. ‘’Your mom is right. I got overheated. I underestimated the scorching Arkansas sun. I just want to be alone so I can rest’’

 

Virginia left immediately and Dorothy followed suit after dropping a kiss on her daughter’s head. But her husband didn’t move. He remained sat on their bed, rubbing her arm. Her blood boiled at him having the nerve to touch her after what he had done but she didn’t feel strong enough to confront him right now.

 

‘’Bill… I’m so tired. I only want to sleep’’ 

 

‘’Of course’’ He understood and although he didn’t want to leave her, he wouldn’t argue with her. He kissed her hand and looked at her one last time before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

 

When he turned around, he jumped when he almost bumped into Dorothy. She was waiting for him at the other side of the door and he hadn’t seen her in the dim light of the corridor. He was going to say something but she beat him to it.

 

‘’She’s not eating’’ she simply said and Bill looked at her with a confused look.

 

‘’Wait… what?’’

 

‘’My daughter. Hillary is not eating and if she does, she’s vomiting.’’

 

‘’Ok… Why do you say so?’’

 

‘’For goodness sake, Bill. It’s obvious’’ she threw her hands in the air’’ Just look at her, you can see her collarbone sticking out. She’s lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw her a month ago. Also, have you not noticed the tiny scratches on her knuckles? I’d love to be wrong, but I think Hillary has an eating disorder’’

 

Bill stood looking at her, lost for words and ashamed at himself. How had he not noticed anything? He was so self-absorbed he was letting his beloved wife destroy herself in front of his eyes. What kind of husband was he? A selfish and narcissistic one. She was the love of his life, the mother of his child, for fuck’s sake! How could he be so blind?

 

He leaned on the wall, trying to compose himself. He tried to remember the meals he had shared with Hillary lately, not many to be honest. Although he had certainly seen her eating, it was mainly veggies and not as much as she used to and he couldn’t be sure she didn’t force herself to vomit afterwards. He thought about that morning, when she had only eaten one pancake claiming her stomach was upset; then about the fundraising party last weekend, where she had turned down a slice of chocolate cake, something very unusual and then to their last date, more than a month ago, when she had ordered a salad she didn’t even finish because ‘’she wasn’t very hungry’’ while at the same she couldn’t take her eyes off his beefsteak. Those were warning sings he hadn’t even noticed or that he had unconsciously dismissed in his quest for pushing her away, for wanting to set her free in order to save her from him. In that moment, Bill realized that his ‘altruistic’ behavior (or egoistic if he were to be honest) was only helping her to dig her own grave.

 

‘’Do you have any idea of what may have triggered this?’’ Dorothy spoke again and he shook his head. By the look in her eyes he knew she didn’t believe him but also didn’t want to accuse him without being sure.

 

‘’I’ll talk to her’’ she nodded before leaving him alone to go downstairs and Bill took a deep breath.

 

 

Hillary closed her eyes pretending to be asleep when she heard the sound of the door opening. She didn’t want to deal with anyone, thus she hoped they would go away if they thought she wasn’t awake. Instead, that person walked further into the room. She knew it was Bill, she could smell his manly scent.

 

He sat in a chair in front of her, looked at his seemingly sleeping wife and started to analyze her, starting with her face. Her apple cheeks flatter than usual and two dark circles surrounding her beautiful eyes were becoming more visible as her elaborated make up started to fade away. Her creamy skin didn’t glow like it used to and now had a sickly greenish undertone. Her collarbone was undoubtedly looking more pronounced, as Dorothy had stated. Under her white sheer t-shirt, he could make out her ribs. And when his gaze focused on her callous knuckles, he couldn’t hold his tears

 

She opened her eyes when she heard her husband’s heart-wrenching sobs. Her baby blues staring into his turquoise ones and the continuous waterfall of tears. She wanted to stand up and hug him, to cradle his face and kiss his tears away. Everything to make him feel better, to stop the pain. Unbeknownst to her, he was dying to do the same thing. Yet, none of them dared. Things like these used to come easily, but their relationship was now so terribly damaged they felt like they were at opposite sides of a river, the only opportunity to be together was crossing the stream via a crumbling bridge. They didn’t know whether it would be strong enough to support their weight and if they fell, the current could drag them away. The question hanging in the air was, was it worth to try and take the risk?

 

Of course it was, Bill had no doubt. As soon as he saw his wife shed the first tear, he rushed to her side, wiping it away with his thumb.

 

‘’Hillary, I need to ask you something’’ he said softly. He knew it was a delicate matter and the last thing he wanted was to upset her. She looked down and he titled her chin up, making her look at him ‘’Why have you not been eating?’’

 

At that moment, she lost it. She broke down, all the walls she used to protect herself were reduced to rubble. She cried inconsolably, a feeling of desperation overwhelmed her.

 

Bill looked at her astonished and wrapped his arms around her protectively as she sobbed against his chest. All of a sudden, her sadness turned into rage and she moved away from him.

 

‘’Do you wanna know why? Do really you wanna know why?’’ Bill was now so dumbfounded at her sudden mood swing, he could only nod.

 

‘’I do it because of you, I do it for you’’ her tone was bordering the cruel territory ‘’I do it to be like the women you cheat on me with, beautiful and thin beauty queens, but it doesn’t matter, you keep being a cheating bastard’’

 

He was speechless, guilt eating him alive. He had suspected he was the main cause behind her problem, but the blunt confirmation she was delivering so sternly was breaking his heart to pieces.

 

‘’Like today with that cheap whore. It’s your daughter’s birthday you fucking bastard. Can’t you be decent at least today?’’ his eyes opened wide ‘’What? You thought I wouldn’t notice? Do you really think I’m so stupid?’’

 

‘’I don’t think you are stupid…’’

 

‘’SHUT THE FUCK UP!’’ her piercing yelling nearly deafened him, hot tears now streaming down his face mirroring hers. She took a moment to calm herself down before she spoke again ‘’Will something I do ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for you?’’

 

‘’You are enough; you are more than I deserve. And baby, you are perfect this way; you don’t need to change anything. You don’t have to stop eating because I love you the way you are’’

 

‘’Those are just words; your actions speak louder’’ he sensed defeat in her voice and he moved closer to hug her again, feeling relieved when she didn’t pull away.

 

‘’I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, baby’’ He rocked her while she cried, holding her head close to his heart.

 

‘’Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do you keep breaking me over and over again?’’ she murmured without looking at him, her crying seeming to halt a little.

 

‘’I don’t know’’ he admitted and kissed her head ‘’But I love you. I love you so much’’

 

She pulled away just slightly and looked at him with glassy eyes. She had starting to see a pattern. ‘’Why do you only love me when I’m broken? Why do you love to break my heart and then be here to pick up the pieces?’’

 

Looking into his eyes, she knew he didn’t know the answer, that he was as clueless as she was.

 

‘’Hillary, I… ‘’ he tried to speak, to assure her that her assumptions weren’t true but he couldn’t find the right words. He didn’t know to what extent she was right. He surely had a tendency to destroy her, then his protectiveness took over when he saw what he had done to the love of his life for a few moments of physical pleasure. Feeling guilty, he’d help her up and when she was standing on her own, he would do it again. It was the never ending story that presented the never ending question, if he loved her, why did he hurt her?

 

‘’I don’t think I can continue doing this. Us’’ she stopped his train of thoughts and looked at her.

 

‘’What are you saying, baby? I love you. I can’t live without you. I know I wronged you and I’m sorry but I won’t do it again. You mean the world to me, don’t leave me!’’

 

‘’Yet you wanted to leave me less than three weeks ago. What do you really want, Bill?’’

 

‘’You, I love you’’ he kissed her lips furiously but she didn’t respond. He pulled away and softly brushed his lips against her, while their tears merged into one river ‘’I will change. I will be the man you deserve’’

 

‘’Do you realize we always get to the same point when you promise me to change and I forgive you like a delusional fool only for you to do it all over again? I’m sick and tired of it and I don’t know how much I can take’’

 

‘’I know, God, I know. I’m sorry. But it will be different this time. Just give me a chance and I’ll show you’’

 

‘’I may have run out of chances’’ she spoke icily, trying to mask the utter sadness that was about to consume her.

 

‘’Please, just one more’’ was Bill’s final plea before walking out of the room. Alone with her thoughts, Hillary cried herself to sleep.

 

When Bill went downstairs and he was glad there were no guests left. Just their respective mothers, engaging in a quiet conversation that came to an end when they saw him standing in front of them. Without saying a word, he grabbed his coat and went for a walk to clear his mind.

 

 

He came back several hours later to find an apparently empty house. The place that had been hustle and bustle hours ago, was now dead calm. He sighed and shuffled to the kitchen. Bill was about to open a can of beer when his mother came barging in.

 

‘’So, when were you going to tell me?’’ Virginia asked in a honeyed voice and Bill gave her a questioning look ‘’You and Gloria Abbot?’’

 

‘’How do you…?’’

 

‘’Because I had to help the poor thing get out of your office when you forgot about her’’ his eyes went wide with shame and bitterness ‘’Oh, don’t look at me like that and relax, Billy. I approve. Perhaps it was not the best timing but I’m glad it’s her. She’s such a nice girl’’

 

‘’I don’t know what you mean but there’s nothing between Gloria and me. She was a mistake and I have put an end to it’’ Virginia arched her brows in disbelief.

 

‘’Really? Because she told me you have asked Hillary for a divorce to be with her’’

 

‘’Again another mistake. I love Hillary and I only want to be with her. I want to save our marriage’’ The last statement brought tears to his eyes. He knew it would be difficult but he had made a decision and while the said decision brought him joy and renewed hope, it awoke the opposite feelings in Virginia.

 

‘’Bill, you can do better. Gloria is not only beautiful but also warm, polite, elegant, well-kept and refined, among many other desirable traits. Hillary on the other hand…’’ Her smirk managed to anger Bill.

 

‘’Why do you hate her so much?’’

 

‘’It’s not personal, Billy. I just think Gloria suits you better. She is everything a good wife is supposed to be, humble, dutiful and especially not ambitious and selfish. She wouldn’t waste her time chasing her stupid unachievable dreams and would devote her life to be by your side, to support you while you chase yours. You need a wife to welcome you when you get home and help you alleviate the stress and forget about your problems, not one who only causes you more’’

 

‘’If I wanted that, I might as well get a dog’’ Virginia clenched her fist and stepped closer to him.

 

‘’Don’t be a smartass with me! I’m your mother and you are going to respect me!’’ he looked down as she reprimanded him ‘’At least Gloria’s top priority would be family and that’s not Hillary’s nor a dog’s case’’

 

‘’What are you talking about? Hillary is the best mom Chelsea could ask for and I will never thank her enough for letting me be her father’’

 

‘’And don’t you want more? When you were little you promised you would give me a whole baseball team of grandchildren but with that workaholic barren you chose to be your wife, it doesn’t look like it can be possible, does it?’’ The venom in her voice was too much for Bill to handle and he lost his patience.

 

‘’That’s enough, mom!’’ he yelled to her face ‘’Stop disrespecting Hillary! She’s the woman I love and I don’t care what you think about her. I’m not leaving her, not now, not ever. I’m content with the little but full of love family we have and if God doesn’t want us to have more children, so be it. We have many things to be thankful for and I can’t believe I’ve put all in jeopardy by listening to people like you!’’

 

‘’I’m sorry, son, but you don’t get to blame me. You brought it upon yourself’’ she gave him a cynical smile before walking out of the kitchen.

 

Bill sat heavily on the chair and proceeded to drink the beer absently, completely oblivious to the fact that someone had eavesdropped the conversation.

 

And hour later, he walked carefully into his room, not wanting to disrupt his wife’s peaceful sleep.

 

‘’Bill?’’ she called him softly when she heard his footsteps.

 

‘’I’m sorry, Hilly, did I wake you up?’’ she shook her head no ‘’I just came to retrieve my pajamas. I’m sleeping in the guest room tonight; I don’t want to bother you’’

 

‘’Don’t!’’ she pleaded and turned to face him with tearful eyes ‘’Don’t leave. Just hold me!’’

 

He didn’t need to be told twice, he quickly changed into his pajamas and got into the bed. He pressed her body close to him and enveloped her with his strong arms. He whispered words in her ear while she cried until the steady rise and fall of her chest told him she had fallen asleep.

Chapter Text

Hillary looked through the window as the car drove, basking in the wonderful shades of green the many trees and bushes at the side of the road provided as the still dim rays of the morning sun caressed her face. She sighed. She had no clue what to expect from this trip. To be honest with herself, she didn’t know why she had accepted Bill’s offer in the first place as she wasn’t sure if she was ready to spend a whole day in the woods with her husband. ‘’Just you, me and Chelsea. Like in the good old days’’ he had said in his quest to convince her and perhaps it had been the last words what had finally convinced her. The good old days, the simpler times that seemed further away by the day. She and Bill were both making efforts to repair their battered marriage and ever so slowly, things were getting better. However, their relationship was evolving into something new, getting into an uncharted territory. Such uncertainness only made the good old days seemed even more appealing. She would give anything to go back then, to the carefreeness, the easy laughter… But she couldn’t. Her relationship with Bill would be stained forever. She looked at him briefly before turning her gaze back to the window.

 

Bill drove almost on autopilot. Thankfully the road was a quiet one and theirs was the only vehicle at the time, because the task of keeping his eyes on the road was a difficult one. The blonde beauty sat beside him was stealing his attentions and the furtive glances he had been throwing at her every once and then since they had left their home earlier that morning, were becoming more frequent. He drank in the bewitching image of his wife. She looked so serene and tranquil, so ethereal. Her harmonious face almost glowing under the sun, her shimmering golden locks cascading over her shoulders. She was gorgeous and he was finding it hard to keep his eyes off her and concentrate in the matter ahead of him, but he had too. Their lives were in his hands and once again God was testing his resolve. He had to resist his impulses to let go of the steering wheel and gather her in his arms to kiss her plump lips until they both lacked oxygen or they would probably die. His fighting the multiple temptations had always been a matter of life or death and he had been stupid enough to ignore it. Because living without Hillary was like being dead and he had been tiptoeing on the edge many times for fleeting love affairs that instead of proving a permanent relief only made him felt worse afterwards, paving the way for him to fall again. But not again, he was successfully walking away from the cliff. If he were to be honest with himself, he knew he deserved to be alone to pay for his mistakes, but at the same time he couldn’t. He couldn’t nor wanted to leave her. She needed him as much as he needed her. They needed each other to heal, mentally and physically to start looking at their future together with the same illusion and hope they did when they were just married. And little by little, they were getting better. Bill on his part, had cut ties with the multiple women he had shamefully been involved and focused his energies solely on his wife.

 

After the revelation that she had an eating disorder and that his despicable and unjustifiable behavior had been the driving force, he had tried everything to make sure she got better, not only on the physical aspect but on the mental one as well. Even though she had categorically refused to see a psychologist, she had opened to the only person she blindly trusted now, her mom. He wished she allowed him to participate in those daily talks, to be able to help her that way too, to regain her trust, but so far, he knew he couldn’t push her or she would completely shut him out again. So he would wait, wait until she was ready, his whole life it that’s what she needed although he hoped she wouldn’t. Besides, there were other ways to help her. For example, he made sure she ate everyday.  And he would also keep an eye on her afterwards to confirm she didn’t vomit and even though she had a few times wasn’t right after eating so he figured out it was her stomach getting used to eating again after God knows how long she had been starving herself. On special occasions, Bill provided her with her favorite goods, from chocolate to ice cream, things too tempting to say ‘no’ to and for which she silently thanked him.

 

And it was working, she was doing great, every day that passed she was hungrier and after a week she stopped putting up a fight every time he and Dorothy were telling her to eat. They were all relieved, more relaxed, happier. There was still work to do but they were on the right track. Now one month after her confession, she was starting to look like the authentic Hillary Rodham, not like this manufactured product the Arkansas society and his own stupidity created. Bill looked at her out of the corner of his eye. Her lovely face was now fuller, rosy and glowing. Her body as curvaceous as it should.  She was the epitome of health and he couldn’t be prouder because despite his and Dorothy’s efforts, she was the one who was working the hardest to get better. As always, his wife wasn’t a quitter. Even in sickness, she was still the most courageous, indomitable and determined human person to grace this world and he was incredibly lucky to have her. Catching a last glimpse of her before looking back to the road, he made a vow, he’d never fail her again.

 

He continued driving in silence. It was not uncomfortable but peaceful instead. It was like the calm that followed the storm or preceded it, depending on the case, although he hoped for the former. Fleetwood Mac came on the radio. Rhiannon. One of her favorites. He remembered with a smile how she had danced to it barefoot the day she had finally accepted his marriage proposal. So many things had passed since that day but when he heard a soft humming and saw Hillary moving her head to the music, a feeling of joy overwhelmed him. Some things never change, he thought. He was so wrapped up in the moment that he accidentally brushed her leg when he was going to change gear, the back of his hand grazing the soft skin of her thigh. She jumped and looked at him wide-eyed.

 

‘’I’m sorry’’ he muttered and she smiled sweetly at him, a smile that melted his heart, then looked back to the window. But much to her surprise, Bill did not move his hand.

 

He started rubbing her outer thigh, up and down. His gentle but sensual touch making  goosebumps erupt on her sensitive skin. She looked at him, apparently so focused on the road. Yet, his hand was still fondling her leg, his long skilled fingers grabbed her knee and started massaging it. She thought about pushing it away but she didn’t want to. The warm feeling in her stomach wouldn’t let her. She missed his touch. She hadn’t enjoyed it for more than a month and it didn’t matter how many times she pleasured herself to quench her thirst, nothing could compare to her husband. Bill Clinton made her weak at her knees with just one gaze, let alone his dexterous fingers. She felt herself growing wetter when his hand started creeping up her leg. She held her breath when it started playing with the cuff of her shorts but when he slid his digits under them, she couldn’t help but moan. She quickly covered her mouth with both of her hands but he was not deterred, his hand kept moving underneath her pants. Another moan escaped her throat when it reached her center.

 

‘’It’s my song!’’ Chelsea screamed happily and they were both startled. Bill withdrew his hand immediately and Hillary looked down in shame.

 

They had completely forgotten about their daughter and they almost put on a show in front of her innocent eyes. Bill made eye contact with Hillary and saw her biting her lip with an expression he couldn’t quite read. He raised an eyebrow and out of the blue she started laughing with that characteristic laugh of hers which was capable of brightening the cloudiest day and ease the most awkward situation. He couldn’t help but join her and they suddenly they found themselves laughing like they hadn’t in what seemed ages.

 

‘’Turn the radio up, daddy. Turn it up, please!’’ Chelsea begged while looking at them with a puzzled face. She couldn’t understand why they were laughing so she decided she would go on with her life.

 

Bill granted his daughter’s wish, his laugh never faltering. As soon as the music was loud enough, their little girl started singing. She was soon joined by Hillary who, despite her lack of intonation, was always enthusiastic. Bill joined his girls shortly after and the three of them were singing together like in the good old days.

 

‘’Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning!’’ the three of them sang along, more screaming than singing. They rolled down their windows and sang even louder. They didn’t mind if other cars thought they were crazy, they were blissfully happy and without a care in the world. At last.

 

They rest of the trip went like that, them laughing and belting out a wide variety of songs, everything from Dolly Parton to Michael Jackson. When they finally arrived at their destination and got out of the car, Hillary stood still for a moment, overwhelmed. The magnificentness of the landscape, the bright sun warming her skin, the sound of the birds singing. It was beautiful. She looked at her daughter, playfully running after a butterfly; then to her husband, who was beaming. She wiped a lonely tear of joy that rolled down her cheek. Today is going to be a good day, Hillary thought and she smiled before she grabbed her husband’s hand and started walking.

Chapter Text

Bill and Hillary walked hand in hand, fingers intertwined, as were their hearts. Despite the lack of that kind of physical contact in the past few weeks, the gesture felt familiar, comfortable. For the first time in a while it wasn’t forced, it wasn’t just for the show. That day, their hands together represented their union. Because they were Bill and Hillary, independent people with their own minds, but they were also the Clinton couple, madly in love without each other in a way they couldn’t even explain and didn’t even understand themselves. And then with Chelsea, they were the Clinton family. The First Family. A supposed role model for the people in Arkansas but a family they tried to vilify every single day. It was true their lives weren’t idyllic but instead of thirst for power they claimed to be what glued them together, it was love. A strong, undying love that had survived many acts of betrayal, cowardice, lies… And it was still standing and would always be. If they ever parted ways, it wouldn’t be because they didn’t love each other enough but because they were too much in love to keep hurting.

 

But there were no signs they were going to ever part ways. In fact, everything was looking brighter. Bill’s hopes were renewed at his wife’s spontaneous act. He had been the one initiating every act of physical contact and it was left for Hillary to accept them or not, depending on the day and her mood. So when she grabbed his hand and squeezed it, he was delighted. It was a sign of progress, slow but constant. He wanted more of course, to put his arm around her shoulders and for her to put her hand on his waist. To have her closer. But for now, he would compromise and take what she was offering. Her hand holding his acted as a bridge towards reconciliation, towards a more prosperous future together.

 

Hillary on her part wasn’t giving the gesture that much thinking, she was being carried along. Her mind was tireless but he managed to put it to rest it. And she had to admit it felt so much better when she didn’t think about what Bill would think, how would he interpret it because for her, there was nothing to interpret. She was just holding her husband’s hand. The simplicity of the act was what made it beautiful. It was meaningful and meaningless at the same time. It felt right, thus she did it.

 

They arrived at the meadow shortly before noon, just in time for lunch. The sun was burning at that time of the day so they looked for a place in the shade. The place was very crowded as it was usual for a warm Arkansas Saturday; but they managed to get a spot on the top of a hill, under a big oak, overlooking the lake.

 

‘’Can we swim, mommy, can we swim?’’ Chelsea asked, pointing excited at the vast extension of sweet water, while Bill laid a blanket on the grass. Hillary couldn’t deny it, she wanted nothing more than to dip in that appealing natural pool to get a relief from the suffocating heat but nevertheless she shook her head.

 

‘’I’m sorry, sweetie, but I forgot to pack our bathing suits’’

 

‘’I can swim in my undies. Mommy, please’’ she begged.

 

‘’Sorry, sweet girl, but you can’t swim alone’’ she said tenderly but her daughter frowned her brow. Hillary hated to disappoint her and she mentally cursed her stupid oversight. She had spent the day before thinking about what this trip would mean for her and Bill and had completely forgotten that they were going to a lake, that it was going to be sunny and therefore her daughter would want to swim. She only had one and she neglected her needs, she felt like such a failure.

 

‘’I got them’’ Bill said, smiling. The little girl’s eyes lit up at his statement and she rushed to her father’s side, waiting for him to put her bathing suit out of the backpack. Hillary felt relieved but also guilty. He was the Governor, he shouldn’t focus on shallow activities like packing and if she were a good wife and mother, he wouldn’t need to.

 

When Bill retrieved Chelsea’s clothes and gave them to her, Hillary spotted a brown bag and the bottom of the backpack and she suddenly remembered she had also forgotten to pack some food. For fuck’s sake, what had she been thinking? That was beyond the eternal talk of the working mom, it was about responsibility. It was hers to pack everything they needed and she hated that Bill had to do this kind of things when he got home tired late at night and she had the afternoon free.

 

‘’Hey, Chels, why don’t you go and get into the line for the toilet? Momma will join you soon’’ Bill suggested. He could sense something was off with his wife and he knew she wouldn’t discuss it with Chelsea around.

 

When they were alone, he looked into her expressive blue eyes and he knew. She had always had this tendency to blame herself, to feel guilty when she didn’t do what was expected of her and, as always, it was his job to comfort her and cheer her up.

 

‘’It’s ok, babe. We all forget things sometimes. Don’t be so hard on yourself’’ He said and rubbed her back soothingly. However, it didn’t have the intended effect. Seconds later, she burst out crying, much to Bill’s surprise.

 

‘’But it was my job! You are the Governor, you came home later than me and more tired. You shouldn’t be the one to pack and make sandwiches but you had to, because my fucking head was in the clouds. I’m a horrible mother and a horrible wife’’ she snapped and Bill hugged her tightly.

 

‘’I’m sorry’’ Hillary muttered, feeling safe in his embrace and burying her face in the crook of his neck.

 

‘’Don’t’’ He stroked her hair, his heart constricting with each one of her sobs. Whether her reaction was over the top or not, it always killed him to see her cry. Still, he loved having her in his arms.

 

Hillary cried freely in his arms for a few moments. She knew she was overreacting. She had been so emotional lately and she didn’t know why but she herself for crying over the shallowest things. However, the last thing she wanted was to dampen the mood. It was a warm, sunny day, they were having fun, she didn’t want to ruin everything with her insecurities. So she quickly pulled away and wiped her tears. She flashed a smile to her husband to thank him, indicating she didn’t want to speak about it any longer.

 

‘’So, how about we put our bathing suits on and join Chelsea for a swim? She suggested in a joyous tone. Bill smiled widely at seeing her in a good mood again. That was his girl, she could be momentarily vulnerable but she was strong. The strongest person he knows.

 

‘’Oh my God, Bill! This is the only one you packed?’’ she said when he showed her the bathing suit of his choice. He nodded ‘’I haven’t worn this in years. Not since before I got pregnant with Chelsea, not since… Bermuda!’’

 

‘’I’m sorry, Hilly. It was the first one I saw’’ he lied and chuckled internally at her astonished expression. It was just what he had been expecting.

 

He had done it on purpose. When he was looking for a bathing suit in their closet, he spotted this tiny black bikini at the bottom of a drawer and the good, hot, memories it brought made it impossible for him not to choose it. He longed to see her in it. Since around Chelsea’s birth, her level of self-confidence had dropped dramatically, even though her figure had remained the same or even more attractive. He and his indiscretions undoubtedly played an important part in this but he wished she would regain her confidence. There was nothing he wanted more than for her to see herself like he saw her.

 

‘’I’m not wearing it, Bill’’ she stated.

 

‘’Come one, baby girl. Are you really not going to swim with us and stay here alone like a bitter person just because of something so silly?’’

 

‘’It’s not silly, Bill. I can’t wear it. I’m going to look like a cow’’

 

‘’That’s bullshit, Hillary’’ his voice took a commanding turn ‘’You are beautiful and whether you believe me or not, I’m not gonna sit here watching your stupid insecurities paralyze you. You are going to put this on and swim with your family, period’’

 

He took his trunks out of the backpack and grabbed her arm to lead her to the line, without giving her time to protest. Not that she could. As a matter of fact, she was too aroused to speak. She loved that side of Bill. It never failed to make her wet. A couple years or perhaps a few months ago, she would have let him know and they would have snuck out for a passionate angry quickie behind a tree. Now there were self-imposed boundaries that prevented her from doing it and she had to put up with it, regardless of whether her body ached for him. And it did, desperately.

 

As soon as they turn came, they all got in. Hillary and Chelsea to the women’s toilet and Bill to the men’s one. As his task was faster, he was the first to get out and just stood there with her back lying on a tree, waiting for them. Shortly after, a group of girls walked in front of him. Voluptuous girls with tiny swimsuits, pompous hair and lots of make-up. He was sadly too familiar with that kind of girls, they provided a quick relief for powerful men like him. The former Bill would have asked them for their number, just in case they ever came in handy but this time he wouldn’t. He knew that if he ever wanted to get his wife back, this practices would have to end. Besides, sex was always better with Hillary. The way they connected was something magical, out of this world, incomparable. Those girls were just a poor substitute, a distraction. For the first time he didn’t feel like it was worth to risk everything for a bit of physical fun that lacked emotions. Therefore, he didn’t even look at them, just waited for his girls to come out, feeling quite proud of himself. He was starting to become the man Hillary deserved.

 

And the wait was worth it. When he saw Hillary in that bikini, his mouth watered. He took in her delicious body. He was speechless. It wasn’t the first time he had seen her with little clothing (or complete lack of it) but the thought that the majority of the people who were also in the meadow hadn’t made his cock twitch. He had always been a jealous and possessive husband; he saw her as the ultimate prize every man would love to steal but at the same time, there was something incredibly arousing at the thought people desired her, because she was so desirable and it made him so proud that she was his. In a way, he liked to brag. And who wouldn’t? She was a goddess, gorgeous from head to toe. Her body was still as curvy as when they met. He was amazed at how much it had changed since the previous month. Her eating disorder all seemed like a bad dream now because she looked not only healthy but incredibly hot too.

 

‘’You look beautiful’’ Bill managed to say without chocking.

 

‘’Stop it! I’m fat!’’ She blurted out, regretting it as soon as the words came out of her mouth. The last thing she wanted was to worry him, to remember him of her problem. By revealing her insecurities, even to him, she thought she’d appear as weak. And she hated to be pitied.

 

‘’No, Hillary. You are not. You are perfect’’ he saw in her eyes that she didn’t quite believe him so he grabbed her hand and discreetly brought it to his crotch. Hillary let out a gasp when it came in contact with his hardened manhood.

 

‘’Mommy, daddy, let’s go to that rock’’ Chelsea suggested, completely unaware of the situation.

 

Hillary moved her hand away quickly, cheeks flushed from embarrassment and started walking to the rock Chelsea was pointing excited. Bill watched her from behind. The sway of her hips was intoxicating, making his breath more labored by the second. Was she doing it deliberately? He didn’t know but he was sure he was watching the most beautiful and sexiest creature to ever walk this earth.

 

And apparently, he wasn’t the only one who thought so. When they got to the rock and climbed it to jump together, group of boys started to whistle at Hillary, prompting the green eyed monster to make its due appearance. He knew it didn’t make sense that he took pride in men wanting her but at the same time, he couldn’t stand when they made it obvious. He had always preferred to ignore the pink elephant in the room, the feeling that no one dared to make any moves on her despite her striking beauty empowered him, but when someone was brave enough to voice it out loud, he suddenly became insecure and his first instinct was to fight.

 

He told himself to calm down and took a deep breath but to make matters worse, there was Hillary’s reaction. She blushed and smiled at them. An innocent gesture that Bill took very seriously. Was she encouraging them? The doubt was killing him. Unable to entertain those thoughts any longer, he pushed his wife off the rock in a desperate attempt to stop their hungry eyes from admiring her body. Immediately after, he grabbed his daughter’s hand and the two of them jumped as well.

 

‘’What the hell, Bill?’’ Hillary asked confused as soon as she emerged from the slightly chilly water, debating whether to laugh or yell at him. She thought it had been a joke, but damn, Bill should have known better than to throw them to the water like that knowing how sensitive she was to the cold. Still, it wasn’t her intention to kill the mood, thus she opted for the former when she saw her daughter and husband biting the inside of their cheeks, trying to hold back a guffaw. When she looked at her reflection, she suddenly understood why and her laughter became louder. She looked so funny with her hair all over the place.

 

She submerged into the water and when the delicate breeze grazed her skin again, her hair was all pulled back, slick and glossy. Bill swallowed hard. So fucking perfect. To him, she looked like a mermaid. A seductress who could easily lure all the sailors to make their boats run aground, bringing them to their death. Just like that, he realized she would be the dead of him but at the same time, he would be dead without her.

 

‘’Mommy, daddy, let’s play Marco Polo’’ their little girl said interrupting Bill’s thoughts and they both agreed.

 

Chelsea. She was so energetic and full of life, Hillary and Bill loved her dearly. In the hard times she had been the one who had kept the family together, God knows where they would be without her. Probably separated, Hillary thought sadly. There’s only so much love can weather and a happy life cannot be supported by love alone, especially if the love of your life hurts you so much. Her eyes started to get glossy at the thought. Dear God, what is wrong with me? I’m depressing myself. Put yourself together, Hillary. It’s being a great day and you are not going to ruin it with your selfish bouts of futile sorrow. 

 

They played Marco Polo for a while, swimming around and ducking each other amidst laughter. They were really having a good time, expelling all the profound thoughts out of their minds and just living the moment. They were together with Chelsea, playing like a family, like it should be.

 

After a while, they got out of the water and sat down on the blanket to enjoy the delicious meal Bill had prepared. Sandwiches, salads, juice, watermelons… He had thought of everything. He even brought a box of strawberries dipped in chocolate, Hillary’s favorite since the moment he introduced her to them during one of their first dates back at Yale. She smiled and when her eyes met his, she knew he remembered as well.

 

When they were about to finish eating, a wave of sleepiness hit Chelsea and she surrendered easily, falling into a deep sleep within minutes. Bill stood up to go to the drinks stand in order to buy two cold beers to help withstand the heat and when he came back, Hillary had already finished the box of strawberries.

 

‘’My God, Hillary. You ate them all!’’ he exclaimed but regretted it immediately and cursed himself for his carelessness. It was still a sensitive topic and Bill didn’t want her to feel bad or embarrassed for eating. He, as always, was a blabbermouth. Fortunately for him, Hillary took his comment well and he sighed in relief.

 

‘’Sorry, Billy. You know they are my favorites. I couldn’t resist’’ she bit her lower lip and smiled sweetly at him. She looked so innocent looking at him with her big blue eyes. She was truly the woman of a hundred faces and the wide variety of feelings she could awake in him was astonishing. Right now, it was a tenderness so intense that made his heart melt.

 

‘’Now I may have to kiss you to taste them’’ He said, half-joking, half-serious. He didn’t know for sure if she was going to follow his lead but something told him she was in the mood to play so he felt encouraged to make this move that was pretty bold considering the situation.

 

‘’You may’’ She said and gave him a goofy smile. He had been right; she was in a playful mood but nevertheless she remained still, waiting for him to make the first move.

 

As he approached her, his hands were trembling. He was nervous, it felt like a ‘now or never’ situation, a breaking point. That kiss he yearned so badly could be the beginning of their eagerly anticipated reconciliation and he didn’t want to screw up. Ever so gently, his hands cupped her face, his thumbs stroking her rosy cheeks. They started into each other’s eyes, transmitting a wordless message of cherishment, forgiveness, need and above all, love. He lowered his gaze to her full lips, slightly open. Her pink tongue making an invitation he couldn’t reject. Still, he waited a little more. He wanted to prolong the love spell they were under. However, when she licked her lips in anticipation, he couldn’t hold it any longer.

 

In a smooth movement, their lips melted together like mountain snow under the summer sun. Fire meets ice and it burns with the fervor of longing and desperation. With the passion of two soulmates who finally found it each other. For them, it was the promised land and there was nothing they would rather be doing. Despite the hunger that threatened to consume them, the kiss was unhurried. They took their time to explore every single crevice of each other’s mouth. To get reaccustomed to the glorious feeling they vowed to never let it evade them for so long. Because it was home.

 

However, after a while the kiss started to get heated and the notion that they weren’t alone was becoming more irrelevant by the second. Their whole focus was only on each other, on feeling as much as they could. He was finding it hard to control himself, to be content with just a kiss and when Hillary nipped his lower lip, he lost his resolve. He laid on his back and pulled her so she was on top of him. The hands that he had managed to keep still were now roaming all over her body, mostly concentrating on massaging her firm ass. Their tongues battled for dominance roughly but tenderly at the same time, with a passion that couldn’t be explained with words.

 

‘’Get a room!’’ someone shouted at them, forcefully bringing them back to reality. They pulled apart, albeit reluctantly. Regardless, they knew it wasn’t the place.

 

‘’Tonight’’ Bill whispered into her ear and she nodded, eyes shining with excitement. Hillary gave him a quick peck on the lips and laid her head on his muscular chest, both of them trying to regulate their breathings and tone down their obvious arousal.

 

They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes. His fingers running through her golden locks, their hearts beating in sync. The other’s presence was the only thing they needed to feel on cloud nine. They finally felt so comfortable with each other after their last rocky months, after that storm that threatened to end their relationship and therefore their lives. It was beautiful to be in peace. So beautiful it felt so much for Hillary to handle and her eyes became watery.

 

‘’What it is, baby?’’ Bill asked, concern in his voice as he felt his t-shirt getting wet from her tears. He sat up and looked into her blue eyes, now glossy and with an endless stream of tears falling down her cheeks. It broke his heart. He imagined the worst, that he had pushed her beyond her limits and that she regretted kissing him. That he had hurt her once again.

 

‘’It’s nothing’’ she said wiping her tears with the back of her hand and gave him an assuring smile ‘’It must be a sign that my period is nearing, you know how emotional I get’’

 

He sighed and content with her explanation, he planted a kiss on the top of her head and laid back to relax again. However, her mind was racing; it had just hit her: she hadn’t had her period in a few months

Chapter Text

On the way back home, Hillary zoned out as she did on the way to the forest. Her eyes focusing on the now setting sun, red and yellow battling the absolute darkness that threatened to envelope them while her mind battled other thoughts that also threatened to consume her.

 

Pregnant. The mere word proved to be overwhelming to her. The idea was terrifying but also magnificent. The possibility of bearing another child into the world certainly thrilled her beyond measure. A new bundle of joy to light up their lives after all they had gone through.

 

For her little Chelsea who had been asking for a little sibling for a while, her request always met with simplistic excuses and unrealistic promises. For her beloved Bill, who loved children, who was adamant to have more with her but God never seemed to listen. Until now. And after all these years fighting, it was the reward she thought they deserved, a prize for their efforts and the key to finally move on. Because even if things weren’t still perfect, a baby would be the last push to move forward, to leave their problems behind and start a new phase in their relationship. It was so fitting, almost symbolic: a new life to start a new life together.

 

But as unapologetic hope blossomed in her heart, her rational mind was in charge of crushing it. She’d been there before. Eager and excited for a child that never was or that died within weeks. And then it was the unbearable pain that followed the cruel discovery.

 

She didn’t have to think back a lot to get to the last time she was in the same situation. Christmas season 1985. She had been experiencing all the symptoms, nausea, missing periods… She and Bill were over the moon thinking about their Christmas miracle. Then she took the test. Negative. All their dreams and plans destroyed in seconds as always. When the summer season began, it was the same suffering all over again. Except that that time it was more intense as there was an actual baby they even got to see and hear, a beautiful life growing inside of her that her failure of a body rejected. And it had always been like that, ever since they married. Heck, even before they did.

 

She was a barren, Chelsea was their only blessing, the exception to the rule. It was no wonder their marriage was always strained. As a matter of fact, that was one of the reason she bore with Bill’s philandering. As she had once told one of her best friends, ‘’If your wife were incapable of having children, if she put you through this suffering every time her inept body miscarried your child, wouldn’t you cheat? Wouldn’t you look for a relief somewhere else? A breath of fresh air to make you feel good, to make you feel other than sadness and agony of mourning a deceased son or daughter that you never got to meet. Fuck, I would want to escape too’’

 

But despite that, she and Bill kept trying. Never using protection in their lovemaking hoping that whatever time it was, it was finally a charm. And like all those times before, now she couldn’t help but think, What if we are lucky this time?

 

She reached a conclusion to her internal dilemma just before the exhaustion of the day and her conflicting thoughts proved to be too much and sent her into the deepest slumber– She would remain hopeful, she would take care of herself and she would go to see her doctor as soon as possible; but she wouldn’t tell Bill until she was sure, until it was safe if it ever were. This time she wouldn’t put him through all of that, she loved him too much and if she ever saw the disappointment and pain in his eyes because of her, she would die. Therefore, this time Hillary would carry the everlasting burden alone, the daunting shadow of yet another biological failure. She could only pray for this time to be different.

 

When they arrived to their home and hour and a half later, the night was fully owning the sky. The stars shining brightly. When he turned off the car, Bill’s mind traveled to another night when the stars shone as brightly.

 

It was a humid Californian night during their first summer together, fifteen years ago. The breeze cooling down their overheated sweaty bodies after one of their intense lovemaking sessions. Limbs tangled. Fingers intertwined. His head on her bare chest, listening to the steady beats of her heart, its thunderous sounds music to his hears. ‘’They look like polka dots’’ Hillary had said out of the blue, her comment met with a chuckle from Bill that she soon joined. Her chest rising quickly due to her ever hearty laugh. ‘’I never thought I would say this but baby, you are more beautiful than polka dots’’ he had told her, her laughter cut short by his lips capturing hers in an all-consuming kiss.

 

He smiled at the memory. That girl that all those years ago had made the quirkiest, most adorable observation was now his wife. That girl whose brains, beauty and heart were out of this world was wearing his ring. And that girl who gave him said heart with no regrets had now his last name. He felt an incredible pride in having her, in having chosen her to be the guardian of his own heart as, unlike his foolish self, she’d never play with it.

 

Bill looked at her, peacefully sleeping, a ray of moonlight bathing her innocent face. She was still the same girl, after that roller coaster of their first fifteen years together, after all the joys and the heartbreaks, after all those physical changes, natural or forced; after all the illusions and disappointments… They had grown together, they had matured together but It didn’t matter if she were twenty-four, thirty-nine or one hundred, she would always be the same girl. His girl.

 

He let out a sigh and got out of the car to open her door. As careful as possible, he carried her sleeping form while one of his agents carried Chelsea, also asleep, because they were too precious to be awakened. Without saying a word, Bill and the young man ascended the stairs to their house, then to the first floor. Leaving the agent behind, he walked the whole length of the corridor and into their bedroom.

 

Once there, he laid his wife on top of their bed and kissed her forehead before leaving the bedroom momentarily as he went to take care of his daughter. He mouthed a thank you to the agent who was waiting in front on her bedroom as he retrieved her little body from his arms and entered the room with her. After helping her out of her clothes and into her pajamas without waking her up, a skill he had mastered after more than fifteen years with Hillary, he put her to bed, tugging her in.

 

‘’Sleep tight, my little angel’’ he whispered and kissed the top of her head before he left the room to go back to Hillary.

 

He smiled all the way back to their bedroom. Whether he deserved it or not, he was a lucky man. He couldn’t complain, he had it all. He had Hillary and he had Chelsea. The love of his life and the love he helped make. His masters and his pupils. His biggest supporters. His babies. His angels. His whole life. He truly was content, there was nothing else he could ask for. If he died in that very same moment, he would die as a happy man. But of course, he didn’t want to die so soon, there were many things he still had to do, many people to help, many reasons to live.

 

The most powerful one waited for him in his bedroom, suddenly awake and laying on their bed completely naked as the day she was born. Her seductive blue orbs eyeing his every move like a panther stalking her prey. God, she was so sexy. His cock hardened at the sight and he was speechless. They remained still, staring at each other. Their respective arousals reaching new heights. Bill was about to say something but she beat him to it.

 

‘’You said tonight’’ her voice was low, dripping with sex ‘’Tonight is now’’ She stood up and circled the bed to get to where he was standing, her hips swaying the entire time. When she was in front of him, she placed her hands just above his belt and ran them up his chest to encircle them around his neck. And Bill could only swallow hard as he hardened further. He was truly driving him crazy. In an unexpected movement, she tightened the grip on his neck, forcing him to bow his head. Her tongue planting wet kisses along his jaw up to his ear ‘’I want you now’’ she whispered before taking a step back. He looked at her, his aquamarine eyes almost navy. And she smiled, she had him where she wanted.

 

Without further ado, she pushed him against the wall, their lips crushing together. As the kids deepened and their tongues battled each other for control, his hands went to her backside, fondling her thick round ass while hers worked tirelessly to take his shirt off.  When he was finally naked from the waist up, he pulled her closer, naked chests brushing against each other, nipples hardening into hard peaks. Never losing contact with his mouth, Hillary palmed his confined erection and started working on his pants. However, Bill decided to make her task more difficult by sliding one hand down the curve of her butt, his fingers now feeling the wetness her center emanated. She moaned against his mouth and bit his lip to make him falter but it was a lost battle.

 

When his fingers opened her labia and forcefully sunk into her heat, she suddenly forgot what she was doing as the pleasure overwhelmed her. His fingers had such power over her. She was soon riding his hand, her body grinding roughly against his looking for some needed friction. In a brief moment of clarity, she quickly unzipped his jeans and freed his hard cock. It was his turn to moan. She started to counter his movements with some of her own. Their respective hands in sync. His long fingers pulling in and out of her, her small hand running up and down his length.

 

When he started to rub her g-spot, she almost abandoned herself into an abyss of exquisite pleasure. Still, with a stamina she didn’t know she had, she withheld her orgasm until he was on the edge too. She came hard, her walls squeezing his fingers as her hand squeezed the tip of his cock, prompting the shooting of his seed, white spurts hitting her stomach, right below her breasts. When they were down from their high, the heated kiss came to an end and they pulled apart. They looked at each other, still breathing heavily but slowly regulating it.

 

‘’Fuck’’ Bill exhaled and she smiled up at him.

 

‘’We are not done yet. Patience, baby’’ she said and kissed him again, languidly this time. Her hand went between her thighs to find his own that was lazily massaging her clit and Hillary grabbed his wrist to retrieve it.

 

She broke the kiss and brought his cum-coated fingers to his mouth. He sucked greedily, completely savoring her sweet juices. In return, she collected his semen from her body with her fingertips and sucked them with the same intensity. Their gazes never leaving each other, desire awakening again despite their recent releases. His hand went back to her center and it was welcomed with more wetness. He gathered as much as he could and repeated his previous action of sucking his fingers while his wife completely ate all his cum. Before they knew it, they were kissing passionately again. If the sight of each other swallowing their most intimate fluids had been arousing, it was nothing compared to tasting them in the other’s mouth. Bill couldn’t help but to harden further and Hillary’s center was getting slicker by the minute, in preparation for his imminent arrival. He hoisted her up and moved to lay her on the bed.

 

‘’No’’ she said between kisses and pointed to the terrace.

 

He understood, he knew her too well. He knew she loved the thrill of voyeurism, not exactly watching but being watched instead. The possibility of someone seeing them in the throes of passion turned her on immensely. It didn’t have to be a stranger. For example, she loved when her husband’s hungry eyes watched her in the shower, her delicate hands washing her slippery naked body, from neck to legs, passing by her most sensitive zones. It always proved to be a wonderful aphrodisiac for both, as was the thought of having an agent of maid hearing or walking in on them, which wasn’t exactly a rarity. And the terrace was one of her favorite places in the house for that.

 

Bill opened the glass door and walked them outside. Her legs wrapped tightly around his torso, both of them shivering due to the mild wind, goosebumps appearing in their burning bodies. He gently sat his wife on the rail, her bare back facing the front yard, her hands around his neck. In a smooth movement, he entered her, but remained still letting her adjust to the fullness. It had been too long. He gradually started moving, careful not to make her fall but given the situation, given how tight and moistened she was around him, it would be hard for him to do it slowly. Her loud moans and purrs didn’t help. Besides, he had to admit it, he loved making love to her in the terrace too. He also loved the possibility of getting caught fucking his girl. It filled him with pride and it never failed to boost his ego, to feed his possessiveness. That way everyone would know she’s his and only his.

 

As his thrusts picked up pace, he grabbed her thighs to put her down and reluctantly pulled out of her. Hillary whined and moved her hand South, to tangle her short fingers into her soft curls, eager for more pleasure ‘’I need more, Bill. I need you’’

 

When his lusty eyes captured her naughty hand’s movement and heard her strangled pleas, he had an idea. A rather dangerous one given their precarious situation but nevertheless so arousing.

 

‘’Touch yourself for me, baby girl’’

 

As always, she obeyed, his obliging sweet girl. Her thumb easily found the most sensitive part of her body, igniting her like the spark that found the match. It started to move in circles, caressing the pink bud, her eyes never leaving Bill.

 

‘’That’s my girl’’ he mumbled. He was laying on the cold marble floor, trying hard to neglect his throbbing manhood that begged for attention. Upon seeing her eyes fluttering close and her hand moving faster, he decided it was time to put an end to that sweet torture. The primary need to be inside her was urgent.

 

He sat up and reached out to grab her overzealous hand. In a swift movement, he pulled her down so she was lying flat on top of him, her wetness flooding and moistening his abdomen, his hardness pressed against one of her legs. They both breathed heavily, neither of them wanting their game to end so soon.  As they looked into each other’s eyes, marveling at the profound intimacy of the moment, her hands moved to cup his face, his lips attracting hers like a magnet.

 

After a hot kiss, he motioned for her to sit up and straddle him. His hands were now on her breasts. Her beautiful perky breasts. They were definitely one of his favorite parts of her body and he hadn’t paid them their due attention that night. That had to change. He kneaded them, eliciting loud moans from her. His fingers pinched her already rock-hard nipples while his mouth kissed the valley within them. Soon, she was on the edge again, there was no time to waste.

 

‘’Ride me, miss Rodham’’ he said out of breath. She smiled sweetly and his heart melted. Despite the heat of the moment, there was still room for tenderness.

 

‘’I love you’’ he mouthed when she sank down on him. From this angle, he contemplated her, drank in her magnificence. Her beauty, her perfection was so intoxicating that he suddenly found himself getting closer and closer, just by looking at her, by being inside of her.

 

‘’I love you too’’ she said as she started moving. He put his hands on her hips to aide her movements, his fingers digging unconsciously into her pale flesh, making her cry out of pain and pleasure, completely forgetting about the other people living in their mansion, her daughter included. Thankfully, she was a heavy sleeper. As she felt herself nearing orgasm, she moved faster and screamed louder. ‘’I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, BILL, I LOVE YOU’’

 

And she came, the immeasurable pleasure clouding her vision, her hips riding him furiously in an attempt to prolong the pleasure, to make it last forever. Bill was a couple of seconds behind, spilling himself into her wet heat to a loud crying of his own ‘’I LOVE YOU, HILLARYYYY!’’

 

He remained in her for a little while, both relishing the feeling. They hadn’t felt that good in a long time. Even though they were always sated after their coupling, this time, they were also in peace. With themselves, with the other, with the world. Finally.

 

Ever so slowly, their breaths appeared to settle and she moved off him to lie down beside her husband. The cool floor felt incredible to her flushed body but nothing ever felt more incredible than her husband’s body. Therefore, Hillary moved closer and he happily welcomed her in his arms. Neither of them spoke for a while. They just basked in the comfortable silence that had enveloped them, their heartbeats and the crickets were the only noises heard.

 

‘’They still look like polka dots’’ she said pointing at the stars, suddenly remembering that summer night fifteen years ago that he had also happened to think about earlier that night. It almost frightened him how in tune they were, but as a matter of fact, it wasn’t surprising.  Since their very first kiss after that afternoon in the museum, they always knew what the other was thinking or feeling. That day they became one. One brain, one heart, one soul.

 

‘’And baby face, you are still more beautiful than polka dots’’ She smiled wholeheartedly and just like that night, they kissed, pouring their souls into the gentle yet passionate kiss.

 

There was no doubt in their hearts or minds. Despite all, they were still those kids, full of hopes and dreams. Full of love.

Chapter Text

As Hillary sat in her office the following morning, she couldn’t focus. She could only think about the night before. And what a perfect night, absolutely perfect. They had reconnected fully, body and soul becoming one and, unlike in their past reconciliations, she was sure this one was going to last. It had felt different, she had felt Bill’s remorse, his desire and will to change and she was delighted.

They had made love until sunrise, until their alarm had unfortunately reminded them of their jobs. She wouldn’t deny it was very tempting to just ditch work and stay in bed the whole day but they had responsibilities, parental too. 

She smiled and touched her still flat belly. If everything was right, there would be more parental responsibilities in the upcoming months. She called Maria and told her to make an appointment with her doctor and fortunately, her dutiful secretary didn’t ask any questions. She still wanted to keep it a secret until she was sure, even though that for the first time in a long time she felt unapologetically hopeful and optimistic.

Again, her mind went back to that starry night in California more than a decade ago. It indeed had many things in common with the previous night. Not only the intense love making that left her with difficulties to sit straight but also at that time there was uncertainty about a new baby. Back then it didn’t work out but now she was confident this time would be different. She just felt it in her heart.

Deciding she had procrastinated enough, she opened her folder and started reading some papers. She had always managed to separate work from her personal life and this time it would be no different. In the good and in the bad, Hillary was always productive. A few hours later, however, she was forced to stop when there was a knock on the door. 

‘’I’m sorry, Maria, but unless it’s urgent, I can’t take care of it now. But please, bring me a sandwich. I’m starving’’ she shouted from her desk, without even looking up.

‘’Sorry to disappoint you, I’m not Maria’’ Hugo said in his clipped accent, opening the door and entering her office. Hillary’s mouth opened slightly and she cursed herself for forgetting about their meeting. Because they had one, right? But she couldn’t remember, she knew they were supposed to have one on Wednesday and on Friday but… 

‘’No, we were not supposed to meet today’’ he said as if reading her mind, his lips curling into a cocky smile. Hillary shifted uncomfortably in her seat. If there was something she hated in a man, was smugness. ‘’Actually, I’m not supposed to be here but I wanted to see you. It was urgent’’ 

His voice sounded sincere and Hillary couldn’t help but match his now soft smile. He could be irritating sometimes but he was always charming. And sexy. So sexy. His navy suit clinging to his body, the top buttons of his shirt open, revealing his muscular chest. His penetrating green gaze capturing hers. She felt her pulse accelerating and swallowed hard. 

‘’Before you throw me out because you are a really busy I must say I brought you some typical British food. I made them myself’’ Hugo pulled out some containers from a paper bag and presented them to Hillary.

She had to smile, it was a very sweet gesture. Bill used to bring me food when I first started working at the firm. Now of course, that little details don’t matter anymore. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the beginning, when everything was magical… What are you thinking? Everything is still magical, what about last night? So magical, beautiful, passionate, hot, she thought and felt herself getting wet. What the fuck, Hillary? You have this sweet man who cooked for you and you can’t stop thinking about Bill. One night with him and he has you under his spell again. Oh but what a night… Stop it, Hillary

‘’Hello! Earth calling Hillary’’ he asked as soon as he noticed she had spaced out and snapped his fingers in front of her to get her attention back to him. She blushed and shook her head ‘’Are you ok? You haven’t said anything since I arrived. Has the cat got your tongue? Blimey, he beat me to it’’ 

She let out a guffaw at his last comment. Her attempts of seduction always amused her and even if she didn’t let him know, they worked. She loved Bill with all her heart but it was safe to say she had developed a crush on the British man who was always so attentive and what was wrong with that? As long as they kept it innocent, a little flirting wouldn’t hurt. Besides, he was going back to England in a month so she would enjoy his company while she could. He was funny, caring, smart, a little smug sometimes but overall she felt good with him. And he came without baggage. When her marriage was on the rocks and her issues were getting the best of her, he had been her distraction, her special friend that made her forget about her problems for a little while. Now that things were improving with Bill, she wasn’t going to turn her back on him. She didn’t want to. 

‘’I’m fine, I’m fine’’ she managed to say amidst laughter ‘’I was just thinking about a good punishment for interrupting my very important work’’ 

‘’Oh, come on, Miss Rodham. I brought you food, doesn’t it count as a bail?’’ 

As usual he called her just Rodham, conveniently leaving out the Clinton, leaving his husband out the conversation and thus, alleviating her guilt. Because even if their friendship was innocent, Bill knew nothing about their meetings and keeping things from him made her feel incredibly guilty. She sometimes wished she could be like him and be able to blatantly lie to his face with little remorse but she couldn’t. She loved him too much.

‘’I guess it might. It depends on what you got’’ a goofy smile appeared in his face and she bit her lip. He was hot and she loved teasing him by playing hard to get.

‘’Steak and ale pie, mashed potatoes and my favorite, Eton mess’’ he said opening the containers and showing Hillary what was inside. Her mouth watered at the sight of the creamy dessert but she tried to appear unimpressed.

‘’Did you really make it yourself?’’

‘’Yes, although I got some help from my old governess via telephone. You know she taught me to cook when I was a child’’ Hillary was about to ask him more about his childhood but he quickly changed topics. She sensed he didn’t want to talk about it. ‘’So what do you say? Is this devoted man deserving of a few minutes of the grand Hillary Rodham’s time?’’

‘’Oh shut, up and let’s eat. I really I am starving. I hope you don’t poison me’’

‘’Only with a love potion, darling’’ they both burst out laughing at his corny comment.

Without further ado, Hillary cleared her desk and sat by his side to start tasting the dishes Hugo had prepared with all his love. 

Hours later, she entered the Governor’s mansion with a heavy heart. Bill is going to be so mad, she thought. And not only because she had completely forgotten about the time and therefore, arrived home way later than she was supposed to and forgetting to give him a call; but also because of what she had agreed to. Why had she said yes, again? Thinking objectively, it had been a mistake on her part like those she was so prone to making lately. However, the harm was already done and she couldn’t, nor wanted to back up. She would have to face the consequences and Bill. 

‘’Hi, honey’’ he greeted her as soon as she stepped into the living room and walked to her to give her a kiss. He tried to deepen it but she pulled away. Assuming she was tired, Bill let her.

‘’Hi…’’ she said sheepishly ‘’Sorry for forgetting to tell you I was coming home later’’ 

‘’No need, pretty eyes’’ he kissed her nose and she shivered, much to Bill’s amusement ‘’I called your office and Maria told me you were caught up in an unexpected meeting. I know how these things work, don’t worry’’ 

She clenched her fist. Of course he knew. He was an expert in the art of having secret rendezvous with women then telling her and whoever dared to ask that it was a professional meeting. Only that this time he was in her place, believing her cover-up, her lie. But it wasn’t the same, she and Hugo hadn’t done anything other than flirting, she was not like him. It was true that they had almost kissed but they had successfully controlled themselves. Only if they weren’t going to spend a week alone and away from Bill… She would try everything to remain strong but Hugo attracted her so damn much. Oh God, she was screwed. 

‘’Dinner is ready, love’’ he said guiding her to the dining room where the table was already set and she felt her stomach churn. She was already full and if she ate any ounce more of food she would explode Nevertheless, she sat down next to Bill while they waited for their maids to serve up the food. ‘’So how was your day?’’ 

‘’Oh, it was fine, as usual. Chelsea has already eaten?’’ she asked despite already knowing the answer. She wanted to change topics, to delay her confession as much as she could, at least after they had finished dinner. 

‘’Yeah, I put her to bed about an hour ago after I helped her with her homework. It was Geography, Hilly, you know how bad I am at it. She would have fared better with your help’’ he said in an amusing tone. He didn’t mean anything with it. It was just a humorous comment aimed to highlight the fact that he’s so bad at Geography and to praise his wife’s command in that field. However, Hillary didn’t see it like that. 

‘’What are you trying to say?’’ she raised her voice and stood up while Bill looked at her with a confused expression that only managed to anger her more. ‘’Are you accusing me of not being a good mother just because I fucking fail to be with my daughter one evening? Do I need to remember how many times you have neglected Chelsea while you were working late? Well, more like fucking bimbos’' 

‘’Hillary, that’s not what…’’

‘’Bullshit! You are a hypocrite, Bill Clinton! You can sleep with the first living thing and lie about it, then you forget about your family but God forbid If I ever do a thousandth of that. God, this makes me sick’’ Literally. She felt her bile rising in her throat. 

The maid who carried the casserole they were having for dinner stopped dead in her tracks at the doorway upon hearing her bosses’ heated argument. However, Hillary could still smell the strong odor of the cauliflower and before she knew it, she was running to the nearest bathroom to empty her stomach. God, that must be the dreadful morning sickness. Or all-day sickness. And she smiled, it was worth it. But so disgusting, she thought just before she started to vomit again.

Bill still sat on his chair, still dumbfounded and trying to process what had just happened. He was angry, he didn’t like to be snapped at, especially by his wife and when he hadn’t done or said anything wrong. Hillary sometimes had this infuriating tendency to put words in his mouth, to think she knew what he really meant when he spoke. Nothing further from the truth, the only time Bill had ever lied to her was regarding his mistresses. Other than that, she was the only one who knew certain things about his past, the only one who knew how he really felt. Bill trusted her with his life. Even though he called her out on her mistakes when she was wrong, he trusted her decisions and her judgement. Therefore, he hated when she treated him so unfairly. 

Normally, he would give her space, give her time to calm down and wait until she came to him to apologize, which she always did. However, this time he couldn’t, he was worried sick about her. Her behavior that day had been strange, from not calling him to acting slightly cold and hermetic. And then of course, her hurried rush to the toilet, her hand in her mouth an undeniable evidence of what was going on. With his heart in his throat, he rushed to her side, praying his suspicions were wrong and she had not relapsed. 

‘’I’ve got you, honey’’ he whispered and sat beside her small form leaning against the cold wall. He put an arm around her shoulders and brushed her hair back. Despite her unfair snapping just minutes earlier, an immeasurable tenderness and filled him. He needed to protect his girl and for that, he needed to know ‘’What’s going on, baby? Are you okay?’’ 

Her glassy eyes met his and her heart broke when she saw such devotion in them. She felt incredibly guilty for snapping at him, he really didn’t deserve to deal with her bad mood and stress for which she could only blame herself. What he really deserved was the truth. But the whole truth about everything? She considered telling her about the very possible pregnancy. She knew he would obviously be ecstatic and incredibly proud but she finally opted for not telling him just yet. Even though all seemed to evidence she was indeed expecting, for all she knew it could be just another short-lived pregnancy that could shatter their lives just like so many others. Still, she would have to address the other issue.

‘’I’m fine, Billy. My lunch just didn’t agree with me’’ Content with her explanation, he nestled her in his arms and kissed her forehead. She could have stopped there, to avoid the unavoidable confession until the last minute but she thought that the sooner she told him, the less angry he’d be. There was no other option, she needed to come clear ‘’Baby, there’s something I need to tell you’’

‘’What is it, sweet cheeks?’’ the casual, almost cheerful tone of his voice almost made her back down. But it was now or never. 

‘’Do you remember Hugo Kerrigan? Lord Hugo Kerrigan. We met him at the fundraiser for George Cox’’ he nodded, inadvertently tightening the grip on her. He didn’t like where this was going ‘’Well, I’ve been seeing him since then’’

Upon hearing her words, he let go of her as if she was burning. His face went red, tears pooled in his eyes, the unbearable pang of jealousy and treason hitting him right on his chest. On his heart. How could she? His Hillary, his perfect wife who was too good for that turned out to be just like him, just another cheating bastard. The worst part is that he couldn’t blame her. He had driven her to it with his recurrent philandering. That didn’t mean it was right. That pedestal on which he had her was suddenly collapsing and he was hurt. So fucking hurt. He finally knew how she had felt and the only thing he wanted to do was cry. 

‘’How could you?’’ when she heard the bitterness and disappointment in his voice, she suddenly realized how wrong her words had come out and she cursed herself for her lack of precision that was now hurting her husband. Dumb, dumb, Hillary. 

‘’Bill, that’s not what I meant. I have never slept with him, we haven’t even kissed’’ her tone was calm, she didn’t want to upset him further, just to mend her mistake. To make him understand she was a dumb blabbermouth and that it came out the wrong way ‘’We’ve been seeing each other professionally. He was having some difficulties with the licenses for his hotel in Rio and he asked for my help. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I have to go with him to Brazil to finally settle the case’’ 

‘’Over my dead body!’’ he screamed and she recoiled ‘’I don’t believe you, Hillary. There’s a reason you haven’t told me you were helping him. You are fucking him. Just admit it for fuck’s sake. And you called me a hypocrite earlier?’’

‘’I’m not fucking him!’’ Her temper soared ‘’But of course, you think everyone is like you. But I’m fucking not! Damn it, If I didn’t tell you it’s because of this. Your unjustified jealousy and doubts. You should trust me a little, I have never given you any reasons to doubt me, unlike you…’’

‘’Oh, cut the crap, Hillary. I’m not buying your poor little victim act anymore. There’s a reason I don’t trust you. Have you forgotten how you were all over him at the fundraiser? If I hadn’t intervened, you would have let him fuck you in the middle of the ballroom! ‘’ she blushed, it was true. Blame the alcohol, but it was true. ‘’You are not going to Brazil; I don’t care if he loses millions. And you are not going to see him again, he’s gonna have to find a little slut that is not married’’

‘’Oh, fuck you, Bill! As If the word marriage meant a lot to you. And I’m a free woman and I can decide with whom I can work or where I can go’’

‘’I will only tell you this once, Hillary. If you dare to go to Brazil, don’t bother to come back’’ with that warning, he left, leaving an utterly devastated Hillary crying. She felt so lost, so clueless, so guilty… And it was only her fault.

After a couple of minutes, she felt a cramp in her lower abdomen and she bent into a fetal position to make the pain go away, trying not to panic. Shortly after, she felt a dampness in her underwear. Please, God, I beg you, she pleaded when she pulled down her pants and underwear, only to find spots of blood staining them. And this is how a good day turns into a nightmare. Resigned, she opened a cabinet to retrieve some pads, then shuffled up the stairs.

She thought about the irony of life, everything could change within seconds. This morning she had her husband back and was convinced she was expecting a baby. Now there was no baby and a husband that was probably considering getting a divorce and/or looking for a big-chested ‘friend’ to console him. She thought about how unfair God was with her, the punishment always so over-the-top for her sin. Ever since she was little, with her authoritarian father who wouldn’t accept anything less than perfection. Now that she was a grown-up and he couldn’t punish her anymore, it was God’s turn to castigate her, crushing her hopes as soon as she failed to achieve such moral perfection. She could lose everything for something so stupid. Heck, even her job was at stake. If she didn’t go to Brazil, Hugo could sue her for breaching their contract. She knew him and didn’t think he would but after that night, she would never be so stupid to think her bad luck was over. And there it was her work ethic, she didn’t want to leave him in such mess but if she went, she could lose Bill who was by far, more important.

Tired of thinking, she went to her daughter’s bedroom and lied with her in bed. At that moment, she was the only certain thing in her life, the only one who would never fail her. Yet, she had failed her too, like she had failed everybody else. Chelsea had wanted a little brother or sister and of course she had failed to deliver. She was a failure. A failure in every possible way. But even if she lost everything, she would never lose Chelsea. She was her true lifeline. She pulled her close and kissed the back of her head before she cried herself to sleep.

She was awakened hours later by two strong hands palming her cheeks softly and a delicate kiss on her lips. She didn’t need to open her eyes to see who it was. Her Billy. When her sleepy eyes met his, they felt something in their chests they couldn’t quite convey. It was a love so strong that no matter what they did, no matter how bad they fought, that love would always be there. Undying, burning, joyous. Beautiful in every sense of the word.

‘’Hilly…’’ he whispered and offered her his hand. She took it and they both walked to the corridor in order not to wake Chelsea up.

‘’Billy, I’m so sorry’’ she said as soon as they were out of the room, launching herself into his arms with desperation ‘’I should have never kept my meetings with Hugo from you. I should have never kept anything from you’’

‘’Oh, baby. Don’t worry. I understand why you did it. You were trying to avoid my reaction. I’m so sorry, it was so over the top. I shouldn’t have doubt you, sweetheart. I know I’m a jealous idiot but I love you so much I’m too scared to lose you’’ she grabbed his t-shirt and pulled him down for a kiss.

‘’You are not going to lose me’’ she assured him. As long as you are faithful, she wanted to add.

‘’But, honey. I’ve been such a dick. I wouldn’t blame you if you found someone who treats you better’’

‘’But I love you’’ tears sprung free from his eyes and she wiped them with her thumb ‘’I love you and only you, baby. And yes, you have not been the best husband but you promised me that you are going to change and I believe in you. I’m not going to abandon you while you fight your demons, I’m going to help you. I have faith in you’’

‘’I love you so much, Hillary, and I know I don’t deserve you but I will fight for you, for us, until the day I die’’ with that pact, they kissed again, trying to express how sorry they were, how much they loved the other.

‘’So… When are we going to Brazil?’’ Bill asked when they pulled apart.

‘’On Saturday but did you just say we?’’

‘’Yes, baby girl. I’m going with you’’ she tensed. So he was just pretending, he didn’t trust her. 

‘’Why?’’ she asked, not willing to come to conclusions so easily, given their early fight because of that ‘’I mean it’s a short trip, you don’t have to’’

‘’But I want to. I want to be with you all the time. Besides, I think it would be good for us to get away’’

‘’But Bill, I will be working on the case and you have work here as well’’

‘’You are not going to work the whole day and I can take a vacation, things have been pretty calm lately’’

‘’And Chelsea?’’

‘’I’m sure my mom or your parents will be glad to have her staying with them’’ he smiled but still felt her hesitation ‘’Come on, babe, a change of scenery will be good for us. Also, I’m not letting that uppity man be with you alone’’

‘’So that’s it’’ she removed herself from his arms and looked at him sternly ‘’You don’t still trust me. You just want to control me’’

‘’It’s not that. I trust you with my life but there’s something about him I don’t like. I don’t trust him. Maybe I’m just jealous but please, Hills, let me go with you’’ 

‘’Ok. Now let’s go to bed’’ she said in a neutral tone that Bill didn’t know how to interpret.

‘’Hilly, baby, don’t be mad at me. I love you and I trust you. I just want to be with you’’

‘’I’m not mad, ok? Let’s just go to bed. I’m exhausted’’ she didn’t know herself if she was mad or not but nevertheless she tiptoed to kiss him. Then she grabbed his hand and they walked together along the corridor to their bedroom.

Chapter Text

Sitting back in the warm comfortable leather couch of the plane, Bill gazed adoringly at his wife’s sleeping form in his arms and marveling at the confidence that, in spite of everything, she bestowed upon him. That week she had acted strange and he even though they had engaged in sexual activities, she had seemed distant and guarded, and that had worried him, as he knew very well that sex didn’t necessarily have to be tied to love. His worry escalated to panic after one particular heavy fight they had one night. Am I losing her? he had thought but he was relieved to see he was wrong, that she still trusted him and that made his heart swell. He thought he must have done something good, she must feel loved by him, otherwise she wouldn’t have nodded off on his chest.

Hillary had told him once when they started dating that she had never fallen asleep unless she was at home unless he came along– implying he had become her home, a feeling Bill certainly reciprocated– not since her childhood. Then, with tears in her eyes she recounted how when she was five years old and sleeping in the back seat of her family car on the way back home from the cinema, a van had lost control and hit them, making their vehicle roll over three times. Fortunately, they were no casualties and her family and the other driver were safe but she would always remember the horrific feeling of being forcefully woken up to see everything spinning, to fear for her life. It still terrified her beyond measure, so much that in the next sixteen years she had never fallen asleep outside until that evening when she had fallen asleep at the beach, head on his chest, his arms wrapped around her delicate frame. ‘’I feel safe with you’’ she had told him and at that moment he vowed to always protect her, task he had not accomplished on several occasions but that he always kept in mind. Especially when there was an external threat. 

The threat in question was called Lord Hugo Kerrigan, a British noble, businessman and charity patron in his late 20s. Bill had to admit he was charming, educated and clever and that only made him more infuriating to his eyes. And if that wasn’t enough, he was also attractive, with thick auburn hair and piercing green eyes apparently focused on the latest issue of Forbes. Make no mistake, between paragraph and paragraph he was eyeing Hillary with a look Bill could only describe as hungry. His blood boiled every time he caught the British outlining her delicious figure as she slept. When Bill caught him red-handed, he had the nerve to smirk. What a jerk, he thought while running his hands through her soft hair, trying not to let jealousy overcome him. He had promised her before they boarded Hugo’s private plane that he would be civil for her and wouldn’t try to fight him and if he thought calmly, he had no reason to do so. After all, Hillary was in his arms not in Hugo’s. 

Bill engaged in this duel of gazes and smirks with Hugo until he felt Hillary stirring. When she opened her baby blues the first thing she saw was her husband’s handsome face mere inches apart from her, with a loving smile she couldn’t help but match. 

‘’Good morning’’ she muttered and Bill let out a chuckle before kissing her softly. He loved when she woke up disoriented, that meant she had slept good.

‘’Morning? Darling, it’s 5pm’’ she blinked a couple of times and furrowed her brows as she looked around, suddenly remembering where she was, where she was going and who was she traveling with. 

When her eyes met Hugo’s, she gave him a half smile and he nodded, eyes greener with the light but also with jealousy. He clenched his fist and that didn’t escape Hillary, who writhed uncomfortably. Of course she knew the reason he was angry. Even though he pretended everything was fine, he knew he didn’t like Bill going with them. Yet he had behaved so politely that even though she knew he should already accept she and Bill were together and she was not leaving him anything soon, she couldn’t shove their marriage in his face. That was not her style. Thus, when Bill started to caress her knee she stood up abruptly. 

She lied told them she needed to go to the toilet. Actually, she just wanted to escape from the tension that was brewing in the cabin. She looked at herself in the mirror with her mind on the two men she was going to spend a week with. Her husband, whose sweet gestures she couldn’t reject (not that she wanted to) as things weren’t exactly smooth between them, and her ‘special friend’ who had a crush on her and whom she didn’t want to hurt. It was a very nerve-racking situation and she only prayed for it to loosen up once they arrived in Rio, otherwise she didn’t know if the trip would end without a broken heart.

She was snapped out of her thoughts when a wave of nausea overcame her and she barely had time to turn around and kneel in front of the toilet, into which she only dry heaved due to the lack of content in her stomach. Ever since she got her period on Monday, she had been experiencing several episodes of ‘morning sickness’. She hadn’t told Bill in order not to worry him but she was very confused and worried herself. Was her mind playing tricks on her? Was she having a pseudo-pregnancy like a dog? Was she ill? Trying not to jump to conclusions, she made a mental note to schedule yet another appointment with her doctor once they were back in Little Rock and this time she wouldn’t cancel it no matter what. Something was wrong with her and she needed to know what. 

‘’Hillary, are you okay?’’ Bill’s familiar voice called her from the other side of the door ‘’You’ve been in there for so long’’ She sighed and checked herself on the mirror before opening the door to face him.

‘’I’m fi…’’ she was interrupted by his lips pressing against hers, his strong hands pushing her back inside the tiny cubicle and closing the door behind him. In her astonishment she opened her mouth, granting his tongue a much-anticipated access. When his hands started to massage her breasts over her blouse, she pulled apart. 

‘’What are you doing?’’ she asked out breath, unconsciously licking her lips. Taking it as an encouragement, Bill grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close, kissing her from her neck up to her ear.

‘’I’m just renewing our Mile High Club membership, babe’’ he whispered huskily into her ear and she shivered when he started grinding his crotch against her. Even with both of their pants on, she could feel his big hard cock ready to fuck her and she felt herself getting wetter by the moment. 

‘’We can’t’’ she said faintly, thinking about Hugo with the little sanity she had left. He didn’t back down and in a swift motion, he took her blouse and bra off and started working on her jeans, which he pulled down within seconds 

‘’It’s a tradition, Hills. Traditions are sacred’’ he started playing with the waistband of her panties, slipping a hand inside to cup her sex ‘’You are so wet, my girl. Don’t tell me you don’t want it’’ 

‘’I do but…’’ he shut her up with a passionate kiss, shoving his index finger up her wet heat and she moaned against his mouth. 

‘’But nothing, let out bodies do all the talking’’ he stated and she nodded vehemently, all coherent thoughts erased from her mind. He kept fingering her roughly, rubbing her G-Spot, and sucking a breast into his mouth while kneading the other and the only thing she could do was moan. Loudly. He would have sworn she was extra-sensitive that afternoon, as he had her on the edge in record time. 

When he felt her walls tightening, he moved his hand away. She whimpered briefly then brought her hand to her clit, desperate to come. Bill caught her hands and pinned them above her head, pulling his pants and briefs down with his free hand. Hillary bit her lower lip at the sight of his erection. It didn’t matter how many times she had seen it, it never failed to amaze her. It was long, thick and hard, tip already coated with precum and she couldn’t wait to have it inside of her. 

He released her hands and she put them around his neck, pulling him for a hot wild kiss as he picked her up. With her legs tightly wrapped around his torso, he positioned his manhood at her entrance. Suddenly, something snapped in Hillary’s mind and she broke the kiss.

‘’Condom’’ she managed to say and he slightly was taken aback by her request. 

That had been the motive of their monumental fight just two days ago. She didn’t let him come inside of her, which he found so unusual and suspicious. The reason behind this is that Hillary had decided she would stop risking a pregnancy every time they made love as it only led to heartbreak, frustration and disappointment. She would eventually get on birth control and perhaps they could try again in the future but in the meantime, she wouldn’t take the risk and let him fill her with his seed. However, since she had failed to provide him with a good excuse, Bill could only come up with a possible explanation for his wife’s behavior: distrust. With pain in his chest, he thought his wife suspected he was still fucking around or even worse, that he had contracted a STD. Either way, he thought he distrusted her and that killed him. That time he had successfully backed down and got off in the bathroom but this time he was well past that point. He needed to fuck her so badly.

‘’I’ll pull out’’ he offered and he saw the doubt in her eyes. She had heard that the withdrawal method was not perfect t but she her body ached so desperately for him that she couldn’t help but agree. 

As soon as he had her approval, he entered her and started to push forcefully into her. His hands went to her ass, squeezing her full cheeks with her hands while aiding her countermovements.

‘’You are so hot, Hillary. So fucking hot and tight, baby doll’’ he mouthed as she kissed his neck. His words, his deep thrusts and her sensitive nipples rubbing against his muscular clothed chest bringing her dangerously close to her climax. 

‘’Fuck me, Bill. Fuck me hard! Fuck me as hard as you can!!’’ she shrieked and Bill started to push even rougher and faster, if that was possible. 

When his tip touched her G-spot, she came hard, screaming his name in a pitch so high that Bill felt it could almost be heard on the ground, let alone in the cabin right next to them. A devious smile appeared on his face as he remembered Hugo. After this, he won’t have any doubt Hillary is mine, he thought while fucking her senseless through her earth-shattering orgasm. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that before he knew it he was coming too, with a force that equaled rockets being launched. Inside of her.

When both came down from their highs, he put her down and moved out of her. They shared a languid kiss that lasted a couple of minutes before Hillary realized what had happened. He hadn’t withdrawn. He had broken her trust; he had just played her to get a fuck. Her opinion, as always, didn’t matter. It was no match for Bill Clinton’s dick, that always had to get its way. She broke the kiss and looked at him with hurt in her eyes. 

‘’You didn’t pull out’’ she said as cold as possible. Deep inside, she desperately wanted to cry, not only because he had not respected her wishes but also because she was starting to panic. What if she had just got pregnant? What if Bill’s cum was moving towards creating a new life that she would likely miscarry? She knew that it was difficult, especially after her aforementioned period earlier that week but it was definitely not impossible. She had learnt not to underestimate her body’s capacity to screw her. 

‘’I’m sorry, Hilly. I lost control’’ 

‘’You always do’’ her words angered and worried him. She sounded sad, disappointed and above all, scared. He decided to take a leap of faith and confront her about it. 

‘’What is it? Why don’t you want me to come inside of you?’’ he tried not to sound harsh, to encourage her to open herself to him, but she only looked down and anger took the best of him ‘’What is it? For fuck’s sake, Hillary, just tell me! I have not cheated on you in months and I don’t plan to do it in the future. And I’m not sick, I don’t have any STD I could pass on to you but if you want… if you don’t trust me, I can get tests done as soon as we land‘’ 

He choked at the end of the sentence and she felt extremely guilty. She knew he hadn’t cheated and didn’t have an STD and it broke her heart that he thought she didn’t trust him. She needed to reassure him that she did.

‘’There’s no need, I believe you’’ she cupped his face and kissed his lips softly. He looked at her, her behavior puzzling him.

‘’Then what is it? Why don’t you want me?’’ Again, guilt was eating her alive. It wasn’t fair that she was putting him through all of this. She knew she should tell him the truth, that it was her moment but at the same time, she felt it wasn’t worth to revive the pain. 

‘’I want you, ok? It’s just something I read in a magazine. It was stupid and I’m sorry’’ she lied and he didn’t quite believe her but when he was about to inquire more, the stewardess announced they would be landing in Rio soon and they started to dress frantically. 

They came out and sat down without saying a word, to each other or to Hugo, who tried not to look at them, fearing that his face would betray his emotions. He was jealous, angry and aroused. Hearing her screams as she came only increased his lust for her. She had sounded loud and ardent and judging by Bill’s audible grunts, she must be unbelievably good and the thought alone made a flow of blood rush to his cock, which he fortunately was able to conceal thanks to the table separating them. He needed her. He needed her body like crazy but he also needed her mind and heart. 

Watching her regal profile looking out through the window, her beautiful face and hair tinted bronze with the rays of the Brazilian sunset and her genuine smile as she watched the fiery orb hiding behind the mountains, making the majestic figure of Jesus Christ stand out, before giving the sky permission to beckon the stars; he suddenly confirmed what he had suspected since the moment he met her. He was madly in love with her. 

Bill noticed Hugo’s stare and flashed him a cocky smile before putting an arm around Hillary’s shoulder. He kissed her temple and pressed his cheek against hers, basking together in the magical spectacle before their eyes as they descended. 

The younger man, watched them with a heavy heart but he was not deterred. He had never felt anything like this in his life and he vowed to fight on. To fight for her love. You are going to be mine, Hillary Rodham and I’m going to make you the happiest woman on Earth.

Chapter Text

Hillary was relaxing on the hammock, sunbathing on a one-piece swimsuit while she read a book as she sipped some lemonade. She didn’t remember feeling more relaxed, alone under the sun, hearing the sound of the waves and with only herself to focus on. Liberating her mind from all worries, including Bill, despite how much she found herself missing him. 

‘’Hi, baby’’ he suddenly greeted her as if on cue when he spotted her delicate figure lying on the hammock and she smiled upon seeing him. No matter what, she couldn’t help it ‘’What are you doing here? I thought you were working’’

‘’Hugo called and said we can’t start working yet. Apparently, he’s having some troubles with the delivery of a couple of vital documents’’ she said nonchalantly. Bill sat beside her and placed a hand on her bare thigh and she had to take a deep breath. His touch always inflamed her. Bill didn’t notice her reaction and just kept talking. 

‘’If we had known, you could have come with me, Hills’’ he said and she didn’t dare to confess she had actually enjoyed her morning alone. She reckoned she had been longing for some time away from the lies, alone with her truth. But at the same time, she wanted to be with Bill all the time and she would have loved to explore Rio with him. But it was her fault and only her fault that she couldn’t be with him without lying. 

‘’The view was stunning. On the top of the hill you could see the whole city. The contrast between the urbanized area on the eastern side and the wild nature on the western side was so beautiful’’ Bill kept talking, ignoring his wife’s internal monologue. He had spent the morning hiking up a mountain and he had loved it so much she wanted Hillary to know all the details to at least try to make her imagine what it was like ‘’And the sea, deep blue and gorgeous like your eyes, looked infinite. We also met a few interesting creatures. I even met a parrot who knew you’’ she frowned her brow and gave him a confused look ‘’It had learned to say ‘bela bunda’ that means nice ass. It’s obvious it learned it from watching yours. You have the nicest ass’’ 

She burst out laughing at his comment and completely forgot about everything. Her contagious laugh pulled him in and soon he was bent over her, tickling her with abandon. Her boisterous laugh was however easily muffled by his lips on hers. Tongues battling, fire lighting in their bodies, making them burn with desire. They always marveled at how little it took to ignite. It was magical, magnetic, out of this world but natural at the same time. And it never failed to make them feel good, every time was the best one yet, they aimed for godly perfection and with every encounter they felt closer to heaven. As her body was working in tandem with BIill’s, there was this voice in her head that kept reminding her of her lies and of the pain of once again not being able to give birth to a child that she had vowed not to feel again or make anybody feel it which involved not letting him fertilize her almost barren soil, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop, she wanted him so much. As she found her mind losing its rationality when he nipped her neck, she suddenly felt sick. 

‘’Stop it, Bill, please’’ She said, feeling overwhelmed. That had never happened to her but she felt too bad to be rational. 

‘’What’s wrong, Hillary? Are you okay?’’ He looked down at her, worry, confusion and t in his voice. She closed her eyes trying to calm herself down as she didn’t want to worry him. 

‘’Everything is spinning’’ she breathed out when she realized her efforts were futile. And she wasn’t lying, she was feeling so dizzy that she had to put her hands on Bill’s arms for support. He immediately scooped her up and brought her to the bed. Then he went to the bathroom to retrieve a wet washcloth he put on her forehead. 

‘’Just rest, baby girl. You stayed under the sun for too long’’ she just nodded, feeling too feeble to speak. She didn’t know whether she was having a psychosomatic reaction to all her internal struggles with truth, guilt and disappointment, or if it was a normal reaction for being under the sun. But seeing Bill so concerned about her, so caring and attentive, made her realize he deserved the truth. She had to be honest with him even if it hurt him. If she wanted their marriage to really work and regain its strength, there could be no secrets between them and obviously no lies. But first of all, she needed to sleep, her eyelids were heavier by the moment. 

‘’I love you’’ he said after kissing her scorching forehead. 

‘’I’m sorry’’ was all she could mutter before closing her eyes. 

Now he was worried. She had been behaving weird, so weird, he didn’t seem to make sense of his otherwise logical daughter. Her obvious health decline was a cause of concern from that day he saw her vomiting almost a week ago. He knew that had been a recurrent situation even if she didn’t tell him and pretended that she was fine, that everything was fine. He had foolishly deemed it as a stomach virus but considering her dizziness and sleepiness, he was finally putting the pieces together. He was convinced she was pregnant. But why had she apologized? 

He decided to ignore that assuming it was due to her faintness and went to the living room to read, excited about the possibility of becoming a father again. He knew they had had many issues but he was sure God was rewarding him for willing to change, for finally changing. God in is endless mercy had not only given him Hillary and Chelsea, it seemed to have another gift in the store for him, a flawed human being who didn’t feel deserving of it. He decided to ignore the nagging voice that kept telling him that her bizarre behavior could be a sign that something was wrong, which wasn’t uncommon in their marriage and with a smile on his face, he decided to sit down on the couch with a book awaiting for his beloved to have the conversation he found himself anticipating. He felt blessed. 

He didn’t have to wait long, because Hillary, suddenly awoke, with cold sweat in her forehead after a disturbing dream in the confusing phase between sleep and wake that had upset her so deeply. She saw herself carrying a baby she felt hers, running in desperation across some sunflower fields. The baby covered in blood, his life leaving this world faster than her legs could run. Finally, she collapsed on her knees, the baby no longer breathing. She couldn’t scream, she just sobbed in silent, in desperation at the daunting realization that her baby was dead because of her. In a last act of desperation, she turned around for help and then she saw Bill. Running towards her, his silhouette aglow as if he were an angel. But he suddenly stopped when she saw what she had done with their child and looked at her in disgust. Suddenly, he was joined by a heavily pregnant woman carrying another baby on her arms. It wasn’t difficult to see who was the father. He looked just like him. They laughed at her with contempt and the last nail in the coffin was Chelsea, her Chelsea, her little girl kissing Gloria’s belly. She had been officially replaced for someone who could bear children, who was everything she wasn’t. 

With crying eyes and profoundly scared but feeling physically strong she stood up and walked tremulously to the adjacent room where she could make out Bill’s figure through the door. If she was sure of one thing after her dream was that she needed to tell him. He needed to know the truth so he could proceed according to his best interests, even if that broke her heart. She needed to stop being selfish, he deserved the truth. Hillary realized that by lying to him, she had broken one of foundations of their marriage, truth, no matter what they always told each other everything, hurtful or hopeful and she just hoped it wasn’t too late. Hoping for comfort and understanding but prepared for the worst, she sighed and opened the door. 

Bill turned around when he heard the door opening and was surprised with sight of his wife. Pale and tired but nevertheless beautiful as always. 

‘’Hey, Hills. Are you ok?’’ she didn’t respond and he tried not to panic ‘’Do you need anything?’’ 

It was almost imperceptible but she moved her arms just a little and he easily understood what she needed: him. Without wasting more time, he stood up and strode to her to envelope her with his arms, He found her shaking slightly and rocked her a little while she clung to him and tried not to cry. They remained like that for a few minutes until Hillary gathered enough strength to pull away.

‘’There’s something I need to tell you’’ she said firmly, trying not to break eye contact with him. She saw a flash of fear across them and she gave him a reassuring smile. He didn’t need to be afraid. He smiled back and motioned for her to sit with him on the couch. 

‘’What is it?’’ he asked once they were sat, her joyous expression, even if deceptive, turning steely. 

‘’Bill, I…’’ she tried but her words wouldn’t come out of her mouth. She had never struggled to voice her thoughts but that day she felt weak and incompetent and hated herself for it. After a fleeting look to her stomach, Bill felt he knew all he needed to know.

‘’You are pregnant’’ he smiled tactfully, a spark in his eyes betraying his excitement. She felt her heart drop. He knew, well he knew half of it. Her worst nightmares had come to life, he was in for a ruthless disappointment. With a deep sigh and silently praying for the best possible outcome, she started.

‘’No, Bill, I’m not pregnant’’ her heart shrunk at the sight of his smile disappearing, the spark in his eyes vanishing into thin air. She hated being the bearer of heartbreaking news but she had to. She had to tell him everything ‘’I was, though. Or at least I thought I was. I had all the symptoms, I was so excited’’ she felt her voice breaking, but she had to keep going ‘’I wanted to go to the doctor to get a confirmation before telling you. But I never made it. The night I told you about the trip I was bleeding. I don’t know if I miscarried or got my period but I just know that meant that once again there was no baby. It’s so painful Bill, I don’t think I can do it anymore. Get so incredibly high and happy just to fall. I tried to spare you the heartbreak and suffer in silence but I realized I was pushing you away. I was cold and you maybe thought I was unreasonable and stupid or I worried you when I didn’t let you come inside without a condom but I am scared. I don’t want to go through this again, It’s worse than having needles stuck on my eyes’’ she broke down momentarily but soon resumed her confession ‘‘I’m so sorry about everything. Sorry for being cold, for losing our baby or getting both our hopes up, for not telling you and lying to you. I’m so selfish and I’m sorry. Please forgive me’’ Her plea was met with silence. She allowed him a few seconds but she was growing increasingly impatient ‘’Say something!’’ 

‘’I’m sorry, I need time’’ to process it, he wanted to clarify but no words came out of his mouth. 

‘‘Fine’’ she didn’t know what had come to him but that wasn’t the response she had expected. Good or bad, she expected some reaction and got practically nothing. Just the anodyne excuse of ‘I need time’ and it enraged her. She knew he was right to be angry but she felt she deserved more, at least being shouted at or being told how despicable she was. Yet, she decided to respect his wishes and left in order to avoid a confrontation. 

Bill was aware of her confusion and disappointment at his lack of response and seeing her walking away from him was devastating and in his opinion, symbolic. He knew how Hillary worked, he knew she liked to debate and discuss until they both emptied their souls and found an understanding but he was far too shocked and hurt. He wanted to follow her and assure her they would get through it together but he was also angry at her for not trusting him yet he also understood she didn’t want him to suffer when there was nothing that could be done and he was deeply upset about the fact that they would not be having a baby anytime soon, perhaps not ever. It was complicated, conflicting emotions fighting in him preventing him from moving. Therefore, he decided to calm down and compose himself before seeking her out.

*** 

Hillary strolled aimlessly along the beach, the breeze drying the tears she didn’t want to fall but nevertheless were, like waterfalls. She tried not to focus on anything, not to think, not to break down so she just kept marching on autopilot, her mind as empty as her heart. Suddenly, she was awakened from her robotic state by what she thought was her husband calling her name. She turned around with her heart fluttering only to see Hugo’s long legs trying to catch up with her. She couldn’t explain it but she felt both disappointed and thrilled. Disappointed because he wasn’t Bill; thrilled because no matter what, Hugo was always there to make her forget her sorrows. 

‘’Hillary!’’ he called her again when he reached her. He smiled and she felt compelled to smile back but she couldn’t fool him. He could see beneath her plastered smile and into her deep blue eyes where he saw the utter sadness that threatened to consume her. The trace of the almost dry tears on her cheeks were only a physical manifestation of what she was feeling inside. Unable to control himself, he reached for her face to delicately wipe one of them, goosebumps erupting on their skins upon contact, ‘’What’s wrong?’’ 

‘’Nothing’’ she answered and quickly wiped the remaining tears herself ‘’The breeze dried my eyes’’ He didn’t buy it.

‘’It’s Bill, isn’t he? What has he done now?’’ He asked and she just looked away, confirming his suspicions. He hated the man for what he knew he did to her. He had heard of the rumors of him cheating and humiliating her time and again and it infuriated him that he had her when he didn’t deserve her. He thought that if she’d only give him a chance, he would love her right, he would treat her like she was worthy of. ‘’Hillary…’’ 

‘’It’s nothing, seriously. I’d rather not talk about it, please’’ Despite his wants, he would always respect her wishes but he’d try everything to take the pain away, even for a few seconds. 

‘’Ok, you win. But I just happen to know a way to make you feel better’’ before she could ask, he carried her over his shoulder and ran towards the sea amongst laughs and kicks. When the chilly water touched her skin and her tears merged with the salty water, she managed to completely forget about Bill and was able to focus on the man in front on her, who always made her happy. 

His auburn hair was darkened by the water with two unruly strands falling on his smooth, juvenile forehead that was devoid from the worrying lines that were starting to appear on Bill’s and her own. His bushy but neatly trimmed eyebrows provided the best framework for those emerald orbs that were gentle and kind yet seductive. The nose between them looked as if it had been sculpted and it was adorned with some freckles on the tip that gave a childish aura to his manly appearance. And those lips, those full lips curled up in a never faltering smile. As her gaze was focused on them, she gradually saw them approaching her and she felt herself waiting in anticipation. Soon their tongues were dancing and their hands were discovering each other’s bodies, thriving in their ephemeral oasis of happiness. 

***

Bill was walking on the beach searching for her. He had decided that whatever he was feeling, he needed her. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t clear his mind not knowing where she was and how she was. He followed her footprints from their villa’s garden along the beach and his heart raced he saw them being joined by some bigger ones. He kept following them with a knot in his stomach, fearing the worst. When her little graceful footsteps disappeared and only the man’s when visible, he was momentarily dumbfounded but he decided to keep following them anyway. 

It didn’t take long for him to spot them, her golden hair illuminated by the sun almost blinding him when he did. For a moment he didn’t think it was real. That he had made a mistake and that wasn’t his girl in other man’s arms. But as he was approaching them, it became painfully clear. It was Hillary, looking happier and more carefree than he had seen her in months. He couldn’t prevent his tears from falling at the realization: he had lost her

Chapter Text

Hillary was lost in Hugo’s arms and everything and everyone were forgotten. There were only them, the sun and the sea and she felt on cloud nine. The man knew how to kiss, how to touch her and for a moment she thought he could be the balm to heal her battered soul. Suddenly, a bigger wave that wetted her stomach and sent shivers down her body, brought her back to reality. She realized she was living an illusion. That her body was reacting but emotionally, she was numb. That their whole act was just physical and he didn’t make her feel anything inside. He didn’t awake the butterflies that fluttered in her stomach whenever Bill kissed her. He didn’t make her heart race because of something other like her own arousal, while Bill could make it speed just by looking lovingly into her eyes. Because Hugo could make her forget but only with Bill everything disappeared. Because she was in love with Bill and she lusted after Hugo. She finally understood what Bill always told her, that despite cheating on her with many other women, he loved her and that was just physical. She had never experienced the duality of physical desire and love that could be together but not mutually exclusive. One would be filled with joy for a brief period of time with one or spend a life fully of joy with other. Or one could have both. She was lucky to have both. With Bill. And she wouldn’t be so stupid to jeopardize it just because Hugo made her feel physically good. So she pulled apart 

‘’Sorry, I can’t’’ she said and ran out of the water and towards the sand. 

Hugo remained still, still so shocked to move. For a couple of minutes he had it all, the girl of his dreams in his arms. His angel elevating them to heaven with those soft lips and that skilled tongue that sent his heart and his nerve endings on fire, the hardness trapped in his pants, a good proof of it. But as swiftly as it had started, started and now he was again left with nothing. His heart back to that sluggish pace that signaled another disappointment. He watched her, leaving him, running to get away. He sighed in frustration, no matter what he did to get her, it was always like hitting a wall. And now that he managed to tear it down for the first time, the wall rebuilt itself. He knew the name of the wall. Bill, Bill Clinton. Whatever he did, Bill Clinton was there. Frustration overwhelmed him when he realized he was losing to a cheater who made her cry every chance he had. The fleeting thought of abandoning his pursue crossed his mind. After all, Hillary was proving to be difficult and there were more fishes in the sea but then he remembered what they had just shared and he realized he couldn’t be discouraged. With a kiss, heck with a look, she had made her feel things he never thought possible. Without a doubt, Hillary was his first and only love and he vowed to continue his road to her heart He would not give up on her. 

A commotion on the beach suddenly caught his attention and his gaze focused on a group of people gathered in the same spot, with more people running there. Some were just watching as if it was a circus act while others screamed for help. Hugo rushed towards the scene and shoved away people to get to the heart of the circle. What he found there was his heart. Hillary, lying flat on her stomach. Inert. She wasted no time and knelt beside her, joining two young men who were checking her vitals. 

‘’What happened?’’ he asked, concern in his voice. 

‘’She fainted’’ shouted someone from the crowd and he immediately panic. He hated that he had been so immersed in his thoughts he hadn’t seen it. But it was no time for remorse. 

He gently scooped her up and ran with her too the hotel clinic, shutting people’s protest with a ‘’she’s my girlfriend’’. Or that was what he told himself. Deep inside he wished Hillary could be that but his focus was now on her wellbeing. He would do anything to keep her safe. 

***

Hillary opened her eyes when a familiar smell flared up her nostrils. She opened her eyes expecting to see Virginia’s scrunched up face looking at her disapprovingly, ready to scold her for ruining the party, while Bill and her mother waited for her to wake up to cast down their concerned eyes on her as if she was dying. What she saw, however, was completely different. Bright white walls almost blinding her, so different from their burgundy walls at the governor’s mansion. The figure of a smiling tanned woman holding the bottle with salts that had revived her instead of Virginia’s strict rictus. And when she turned to the side upon hearing a noise, there was Hugo with her, his reassuring smile and his eyes that expressed concern and love just like Bill’s, only without the baggage and the pain hidden behind. And they expressed hope, something threatening to disappear in her relationship with Bill.

‘’Hi’’ she mumbled as soon as the nurse left the room to call the doctor ‘’What happened?’’ 

‘’You fainted on the beach’’ he said softly and she tensed, remembering what had happened. She remembered their kiss, wonderful but empty, then running in shame until her knees wobbled and everything was black. Yet he was there after the humiliation of leaving him like that. Hillary covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. 

‘’Hey, don’t worry. I forgive you’’ she quirked her eyebrow ‘’I forgive you for not knowing how Disney films work. For the next time, princesses faint and received a kiss from their prince charming to revive them, not the other way round’’ 

Hillary let out a hearty guffaw at his comment. She couldn’t deny only he could make her laugh so easily like only Bill could. However, now he didn’t do it as often as he did when they started dating, her marriage sailing from one rough sea to the other wasn’t the perfect scenario to joke around so freely and she hadn’t realized how much she missed until then. 

‘’Mrs. Clinton’’ the doctor called her when she entered back to the room a few minutes later. She was a woman in her early thirties, thick black her and big black eyes with the kind of body that would attract any man’s gaze. It would have definitely attracted Bill’s but Hugo didn’t ogle at all, just nodded and his gaze immediately returned to her with adoration. She couldn’t help but find herself again wishing Bill was more like Hugo ‘’How are you feeling?’’ 

‘’I’m fine, still a little bit dizzy’’ she answered but the doctor didn’t seem to hear them. She kept reading through some papers and pacing the room, making Hillary increasingly worried. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke. 

‘’Don’t worry, it’s normal. You will feel better soon. I will prescribe you some pills so this doesn’t happen again, though’’ 

‘’Why would it happen again? What it’s wrong with me?’’ she asked completely afraid of the doctor’s answer but determined to know. 

‘’Nothing is wrong with you, Mrs. Clinton. We ran you some test to make sure you were healthy and we found out that, as a matter of fact, something is very right with you’’ Hillary looked at her completely puzzled and the doctor smiled, she loved giving these kind of news ‘’You are pregnant. Congratulations Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Clinton’’ he said referring to Hugo, who blushed a little at the doctor’s mistake. 

Hillary however, didn’t even hear it. She stopped listening after hearing the word: Pregnant. She didn’t think she would ever hear it again and her heart was racing, her mind repeating that word. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Such a simple word that meant so much to her, her anticipated future, her ‘wishful thinking’ was finally a reality. She was going to have a baby with Bill. Their dream came true. She saw the light for the first time and she was optimistic, perhaps their relationship wasn’t doomed, perhaps this baby would save them or if it didn’t, which was unlikely, she would have the baby to hold on too. A baby was a blessing in its own right and she had no doubt things would improve for her family. God was finally in their favor.

The rational part of her mind, however, was quick to speak. Don’t count your chickens until they are hatchet, Hillary. You know how this works. You are never safe. You are never safe until you have the baby in your arms. Remember that your body is your worst enemy and It may betray you. Her unapologetic bliss was now replaced by fear and anxiety, as it was a custom for her when there were things that escaped her control, because it didn’t matter what she did, it didn’t matter how much she took care of herself or that she followed the doctor’s orders religiously. And she had to accept that this fantasy she was living could end any moment or it could work out like it did with Chelsea but she would do her part, the rest was up to God. She couldn’t forget that she was older, though. She would turn forty in October and as far as she knew, this could all be a mistake or the baby could be in danger. 

‘’Are you… Are you sure, doctor?’’ she asked carefully, she needed to be sure before worrying or jumping in happiness. 

‘’Yes, these tests are very conclusive. False positives are extremely rare. However, we can do an ultrasound for us to check on the baby. We’re unfortunately very busy today but we can schedule an appointment tomorrow. Does 1pm work for you?’’

‘’Absolutely. I will tell my husband and we both will be here’’ Hillary said, unable to mask her happiness. She couldn’t wait to tell Bill. She had decided they could be happy for as long as it lasted.

In the next hour, Hillary got permission to go home. Hugo insisted in giving her a ride and she accepted out of politeness, hoping that Bill wouldn’t see his car as she didn’t want to argue anymore. She wanted to tell him the good news and be blissfully happy for as long as they could, ideally forever. However, a colossal traffic jam in the outskirts of Rio delayed her arrival until almost midnight. She sighed as she walked to the door of their villa. Bill was going to be raging mad at her and he must have been worried sick and he had every right. After their fight, she left and didn’t come home or tell him where she was, tell him she was safe. She only hoped he would listen.

‘’Bill?’’ she asked carefully as soon as she stepped into the dark room but she got no answer ‘’Bill, honey?’’ Still nothing so she decided to turn on the light. 

‘’Turn the damn light off, Hillary!’’ he growled from the bed and covered his head with the pillow. Her heart fell a little when she realized that he wasn’t worried and was peacefully sleeping without knowing where she was but she decided not to let that dampen her mood, it was probably not like that. Nevertheless, she obeyed and walked in the dark to the bulge on the bed. 

‘’Bill, I need to tell you something’’ She tapped his shoulder gently but he moved so she couldn’t touch him. Not giving up, she decided to change tactics and her careful tone turned into an optimistic one ‘’I have good news, baby’’

As soon as he detected the obvious joy in her voice, he froze. Tears were pooling in his eyes at her words. She lies to me, we fight and she goes to spend the afternoon fucking that asshole and now she comes back to tell me she has good news? That’s she’s leaving me? Fuck her. He thought as he fought the tears that desperately wanted to fall. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. 

‘’I don’t wanna listen to you now, Hillary. I’m fucking tired for this’’ he snapped and it was her eye’s turn to fill with tears. Tired for what? For dealing with her? Tired of her? Maybe this blessing comes too late… she thought putting her hand on her stomach, still grateful and trying not to get discourage. Bill’s attitude would change when he found out, she was sure of it. She shuffled to the bathroom and allowed herself to cry in the shower to emerge an hour later so exhausted, both emotionally and physically, that she fell into a deep slumber as soon as she laid on the bed. 

Being the light sleeper she was, Bill was awakened by the door opening and the feeling of her body slumping onto the mattress. He decided to ignore her and try to fall back asleep but he couldn’t. The fruity smell of her recently showered hair was intoxicating him. When he heard her soft intakes of breath that signaled she was asleep, he turned around and looked at her. She looked gorgeous illuminated by the moonlight, with her still wet hair splayed on her pillow and her expression serene and peaceful, making his heart flutter despite his anger. 

He knew it was unfair to be mad at her for cheating when that’s the only think he did but now he knew how much it hurt. He thought about his poor girl feeling like this way too many times. A tear rolled down his cheek at the realization that they hurt each other but they also loved each other so much they don’t want to be apart. He didn’t want to be apart from her at least but perhaps she had already moved on. He had seen her interactions with Hugo, how happy she seemed around him. Perhaps Hugo was what she needed but he couldn’t let her go, he couldn’t. He decided he would let her choose, if she chose him, he would eventually forgive her and they’d go to therapy. He had been thinking seriously about it and now it felt like the last resort to save their marriage.  And if she chose Hugo, he’d step aside and let her enjoy the happiness she deserved even if that would mean he would be unhappy for the rest of her life. 

He thought about her words ‘good news’, how joyful her voice sounder and something told him she had already made her decision. Inadvertently, he looked at her plump lips and without knowing it, he was kissing them with wild abandon. For all he knew it could be the last time. 

Hillary felt his familiar taste on her lips, his tongue brushing again them, his teeth gently nipping the lower one and for a moment she thought she was dreaming. When she opened her eyes, blues met blues briefly and he started to pull away, afraid of it not being what she wanted. However, Hillary had other plans as she circled his neck with her arms and pulled him to her, resuming their exchange and deepening the kiss. 

His hands started to skim her body while hers went down to his ass, pressing it to her. Upon doing it, she felt his erection against her thigh and found herself impossibly wet for him. Bill’s hands didn’t waste time to divest her of her nightgown and was greeted with her pointy nipples standing proudly and he had to take a deep a breath in order not to come undone at such magnificent sight. He planted a hot kiss on the valley between her breasts while massaging and pinching her rock-hard peaks. Her soft moans and her grinding her hips against him were making him crazy. He could not wait to be inside of her. 

He quickly stood up to remove his clothing, then laid back on her, completely naked. He relished the feeling of being skin against skin, both burning with desire. Hillary pressed butterfly kisses on the planes of his broad chest and he was lost, her patience finally over. Without wasting more time, he slipped his hand under her panties and sank his fingers into her depths, finding her drenched and incredibly tight. Hillary was shrieking as he moved his long elegant fingers in and out, but when she was approaching her climax, he pulled them away, making her let a small cry of frustration that managed to turned him on even more. He was positive he had never been so hard in his life.

He quickly removed her panties and positioned his member at her bare entrance, feeling her heath and holding her gaze to build some anticipation. She looked at him expectantly but he still didn’t move.

‘’Please’’ she said but it wasn’t enough. He wanted more. 

‘’I want you to beg’’ He stated, his voice firm straight to her core. She needed him so much, she could do anything for him. He wanted her to beg, so would she. That’s the power he had over her. 

‘’Please, Bill, I beg you. Fuck me, please. I beg you’’ She pleaded desperately, writhing uncontrollably under him. Bill couldn’t stand how sexy his girl was when she was at his mercy and he could never deny her. 

In a swift motion he finally entered her and he felt incredibly overwhelmed. Her deep heath was heaven and he could not imagine a life without it. Impatient, Hillary put her hands back on his ass to coax him and he started moving. Vigorously. Putting all his strength into his frantic pounding, determined to imprint it in her memory. Within seconds, she was coming hard. Her screaming his name was music to his ears. 

‘’I love you’’ she said, coming down from her orgasm. She sounded sincere and his heart ached with love for her. His thrusts were now gentle, trying to let her know with is body what his mouth didn’t dare to say as he quickly approached his climax. Suddenly, he remembered seeing her on the beach, making out with Hugo and his tenderness was replaced with rage and his gentle movements with furious strokes. His release would have to wait. 

He continued pushing harder and harder into her, determined to conquer her body, mine and soul. Determined to make her his. When he was convinced he couldn’t be buried any deeper and Hillary was screaming in pain and pleasure, he grabbed her legs and put them on his shoulder, this new angle making it easier to hit her G-spot and her clitoris at the same time. Hillary was seeing the stars. After a few minutes, she came again, harder than the previous time, so hard she thought she would collapse from the intense pleasure

Bill followed suit a couple of seconds later and spent himself inside of her in the most violent way, collapsing on top of her afterwards. He laid there, listening to her accelerated heartbeat while she caressed his hair, both painting to regain their breath after what they were sure had been one of the most amazing experiences in their life. It can be the last one, she may leave you tomorrow, his mind kept telling him, louder and louder every time until he couldn’t ignore it anymore. 

Angry and frustrated, he rolled over so his back was facing Hillary and silently allowed to fall those tears that had been waiting ever since he saw Hillary and Hugo. 

Hillary was taken aback by his sudden change of attitude. Had she done anything wrong? Why did he suddenly seem mad? Was he still angry about her not telling him the truth? Those kind of questions went around in circles in her mind, leaving her incredibly exhausted. Unconsciously, she put her hand on her stomach and rubbed on her still flat belly, unable to keep from smiling. She knew Bill would be as ecstatic as soon as he knew so she decided she might as well tell him now to try to cheer him up. 

‘’Bill’’ she called him softly. 

‘’Good night, Hillary’’ he stated solemnly but she decided to try again. 

‘’Bill?’’ This time her question was met with snorting sounds Bill was purposely making in order to trick her into believing he was asleep. 

Resigned, she rolled over as well and soon she fell asleep but with a bitter taste in her tongue. Everything had felt like a farewell.

Chapter Text

Hillary woke up the following morning more tired than when she went to bed. After a night of tossing and turning unable to shake the feeling that there was an invisible line separating her and her husband, perhaps forever, she finally fell asleep just before the sun started to rise and, given her condition, she overslept. She looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table and panic rushed to her veins when she realized it was 12pm and if she didn’t run he was going to be late for her appointment with the doctor. She spotted a yellow post-it stuck to the table that said ‘‘I’m going on a snorkeling trip. Will be back in the evening. –Bill’’ and she couldn’t help but feel thankful.

She had wanted to go with Bill but taking into account how they ended last night, how final it all seemed, she wasn’t sure it was the best idea. He needed to decide whether he wanted her or end things for good and she didn’t want a baby to influence his choice. He had no doubts he would be a good father to this baby just like he was to Chelsea but would he be a good husband? Would he love her right? Would he love her at all? Heck, did he even still love her? She remember how in the throes of passion she had professed her love and he had remained silent.

Perhaps we’ve come to a point when he is only attracted to me. Or maybe not even that, maybe I’m just the easiest option to satisfy his needs. Forever in love, I can never deny him. But perhaps I’m just a body to him and not even a good one to make him stay. I’m nothing special, a female body with the same attributes but in worse proportions, what should be big, is small, what should be small, is big. He can do better. He can find a more attractive girl to fuck and better mind to love. Maybe he has already found her. Perhaps I should let him go so he can be happy without me lagging him like I have done all his life, she thought but as soon as she realized what she was once again spiraling into, she stopped that train of thought. She couldn’t go back there again, she couldn’t go back to being the prototype of the crying fragile wife she had always detested and into which she had inadvertently turned. But not anymore. She was now legally Hillary Rodham Clinton but before a Clinton, she was a Rodham. It was time to go back to her essence, to reject everything she had become and go back to living by her ideals.

 If she had learned something in her darkest hours, it was to love herself, to know her worth. If she didn’t, who would? She swore that no other man or woman would never succeed in making her feel less and she deserved honesty, appreciation and love. If Bill didn’t want her anymore, he was going to have to tell her in the face. And if he did, in spite of the fact that part of her would be missing forever, life would go on. With many blessings, hopefully not so many heartaches and lots of incredible opportunities. She now knew her happiness couldn’t depend on a man. It depended on her.

Without wasting more time, she went to the shower and swiftly prepared herself for her appointment, to which she arrived just in time. Hillary learned that everything seemed to be going fine with her baby and that she was 13 weeks pregnant, just one more week and the possibility of a miscarriage would be virtually inexistent. Her mind went back to that lovely passionate weekend she spent with Bill 13 weeks ago, free of hurt, pressures, reproaches and regret. It had been just them, two souls and bodies finding their way back to each other in their little oasis of happiness and love. Perhaps that was all it needed. With a broad smile on her face, she left the clinic. She was ecstatic, she had never been so far along, only with Chelsea and she was sure this baby would meet the same fate. Her dreams were about to come true.

She wandered a little, not wanting to go back to her villa just yet. As she took into the beautiful landscape in front of her, she realized that Brazil truly had an amazing scenery and that because of her personal issues, she wasn’t making the most of it. That had to change, this was an incredible opportunity and she couldn’t let her problems spoil the fun. But she also remembered she was there for work purposes so in her usual Hillary fashion, she decided to go to Hugo’s office to catch up and hopefully fix his legal problems for good before she could have fun. Work hard, play hard.

It only took her ten minutes to reach his office, situated on the top floor of the main building in the complex. Finding it empty, she approached the windows that worked as walls. From there she could practically see the whole city and her favorite part, the bay. She thought about how much fun Bill was probably having. They both loved snorkeling ever since they tried it in Mexico, in one of their first trips as a couple and she had especially good memories of their snorkeling sessions in Bermuda, where they rented a boat and instead of snorkeling, they snuck out to make love on the rocks. She smiled blissfully and realized she really wanted to go snorkeling with him, or hiking, or sailing, even golfing. She wanted to spend more time with him. It was true they already spent time together but they were either flooded with work or flooded with parental responsibilities. She wanted to spend time with him alone, to reconnect and enjoy as a couple, like they used to.

Suddenly, a question crossed her mind, would he want to? Did he want to explore all Rio had to offer with her by her side? Or was he better spending time with bikini-clad ladies young enough to be his daughters? The answer would have seemed obvious a few years or even months ago, when she was sure he always came first. But now after all they went through in these past couple of months she wasn’t sure. He had gone back and forth, asking for a divorce, then proclaiming his love for her and stating his willingness to be a better husband. She had been so much hopeful when she listened to him standing up to her mother to defend her and their love but after last night, she felt he was back at being distant, at not communicating and using sex as a temporal band aid.

 And that was partly her fault, she had set the example by not talking to him, by not telling him how she was feeling, what was going through her mind and body. They used to be a really communicative couple, talking about everything, from their feelings to random topics like their favorite bugs. She realized that had been one of the causes of the downfall of their marriage and if they wanted to be back to what they had, they were going to need to start communicating again. She would start that very same night, asking Bill what he thought and felt straight in his face and finding out the answer to her questions. If he didn’t want to talk, she would make him and although she was sure it was going to be an emotionally draining and probably painful conversation, she was looking forward to it. It was time to come clean. She was also looking forward to telling him about the baby. Hillary knew he was going to be ecstatic and she could already picture the broad smile on his face, the gleam in his eyes when he found out. That happy thought managed to partially ease that uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty in the pit of her stomach that along with the ever present ‘morning’ sickness, was making her queasy.

‘’Boa tarde!’’ a sweet but fierce voice said behind her, bringing her back to reality. She turned around and smiled to the young woman that she supposed was Hugo’s secretary. She was short and chestnut-haired and she had a pin on her shirt indicating her name was Livia.

‘’Alô! Umm… Is Senhor Kerrigan here?’’ she managed to ask in her botched Portuguese.

‘’Quem é você?’’ she asked and Hillary scratched her head. Damn, I should have studied more languages in high school. Sensing her confusion, the secretary smirked and spoke again ‘’Nome?’’

‘’Mrs. Clinton’’ Hillary answered unsure that was what she had been asked. Livia looked up and down in a list, scrunching her face as she was finding it hard to find Hillary’s name on it. ‘’Hillary Rodham Clinton’’ she clarified and suddenly, the woman’s face lit up.

‘’Miss Rodham!’’ she exclaimed and smiled at Hillary in a condescending way. Her suspicions had been right, in front of her was the famous Hillary Rodham. The woman that now occupied Hugo’s thoughts and heart and because of whom, he hadn’t touched her in months. She looked at Hillary, who was expectantly looking at her. She was beautiful, very beautiful, that she had to admit. It wasn’t surprising she was Hugo’s latest object of desire and that made her blood boil. 

‘’Mr. Kerrigan isn’t here, I’m afraid’’ she said cockily in a perfect conversational English that managed to confuse Hillary slightly. She didn’t understand the younger woman’s attitude. It was as if she disliked her already. Still, she would try to be as nice as possible

‘’And do you know where I can find him?’’ she said cheerfully and smiled sincerely as Livia regarded her wearily. Despite being a married woman looking for her lover that she stole from her, she had an aura of naivety she found infuriating. As if she didn’t know what she was doing was wrong, as if she didn’t know or want to admit what kind of woman she was and what kind of man Hugo was. Deeming it as fake innocence, she found it annoying.

‘’Sorry, I can’t’’ She thought about lying and telling her he was with another woman but she opted not to, as it would only cause him more troubles with Hugo and her job was at risk.

‘’It’s all right’’ Hillary smiled politely, even though she wasn’t happy. She didn’t want to leave without doing her job, so she decided to change tactics. ‘’I don’t know if you are aware but I am a lawyer at the Rose Law Firm in Arkansas and Mr. Kerrigan and I are working together on a case regarding this complex. We were awaiting for the arrival of some papers relevant to the case and I was wondering if they have arrived already’’

Livia smiled, the woman in front of her was so predictable. She had been warned that Hillary might ask about the papers and she had been instructed what to tell her in case she did. Still, she wondered why the need to lie to her if she knew what this was all about, if she was complicit in this lie. To fool her husband, she figured. She also contemplated the option that maybe she was just another victim of Hugo’s lies. Perhaps her innocence wasn’t fake after all. Regardless, she had to stick to the plan for the sake of her job.

‘’I’m terribly sorry to inform you that they haven’t arrived yet. There has been a problem with the flight who was supposed to bring them here and it hasn’t been able to take off from the airport in Little Rock. We already phone the company and they assured us they will be here as soon as possible’’ she said almost robot-like.

Hillary couldn’t help but quirk an eyebrow. Those were the exact words Hugo had said when she asked about the papers a day ago, as if there were some kind of prepared remarks. But what for? Were they all hiding something from here? Something clearly didn’t add up and while her mind trying to figure out what, an intense wave of dizziness hit her and she had to grip the table not to fall.

‘’Are you ok, Miss Rodham? Do you need anything?’’ Despite not liking the woman, Livia was concerned and quickly rushed to her side to help her walk to the nearest seat. She watched Hillary as she struggled and she felt bad for her.

‘’Yes, thank you’’ Hillary answered when the nausea subsided a little and tried to stand up but she couldn’t as she felt incredibly dizzy once again. She knew what she had to do but she couldn’t with her stomach empty. ‘’Could you please get me something to eat? A cookie or whatever, I haven’t eaten anything today and I need to in order to take a pill’’

With a confused look, Livia went to his table and retrieved a packet of biscuits she was supposed to eat as an afternoon snack and gave them to Hillary. Within minutes, she had finished the whole packet and Livia hadn’t been more dumbfounded in her life. She watched as Hillary stood up and walked over the water fountain, where she filled a glass. Then she swallowed the pill, immediately making her feel better like a placebo would. When she turned around, she found out that the Brazilian woman was staring at her wide-eyed. She chuckled internally when she thought of what Livia could be thinking, that she had a terminal illness or something like that. Despite not particularly liking her either, she figured she needed an explanation.

‘’Sorry about that. I was just prescribed the pills a day ago and I have to get used to taking them once a day so I don’t go around starring in shows like this’’ she laughed at her own joke and Livia too let out a weak laugh. Regardless of her humor, she was still concerned ‘’I’m pregnant’’ Hillary had to clarify. She felt good saying it out loud but her words had the opposite effect on Livia. The secretary went pale and had to sit down herself, completely shocked about the news.

‘’Are you ok?’’ Hillary asked tentatively and placed a hand on Livia’s shoulder. She brushed it off violently.

‘’You are pregnant!’’ she exclaimed in despair.

‘’I am but I don’t see how that…’’

‘’You are fucking pregnant! You miserable bitch!’’ Livia interrupted her. ‘’You had everything planned, you little whore!’’

‘’Look, I don’t know what you are talking about but I won’t stay here while you disrespect me’’ Hillary said, trying her best not to get upset because of the baby and walked to the door.

‘’You don’t know? Of course you do! You are nothing more than a money-grabbing slut’’ Hillary had to fight the urge to slap her and took a deep breath as she walked back to her.

‘’Do not disrespect me!’’ She said in a menacing tone that sent shivers down Livia’s spine. She quickly realized Hillary was not a woman with whom she could play. ‘’You either tell me what this is all about or I’m out of here’’

As Livia looked into her eyes, she truly didn’t know what to think of her because despite the obvious anger, she noticed that the aura of naivety hadn’t faded. Perhaps she wasn’t faking it and she didn’t know anything. There was only one way to figure it out.

‘’I… I was pregnant too, I found out earlier this year. We were going to be parents and he made me kill my child’’ she paused briefly to look at Hillary. The unexpected understanding in her eyes motivated her to continue ‘’Because of you’’ she chocked and Hillary brought her hands to her mouth, trying to discern what role she played in this.

Hillary’s first thought was Bill. Had she fathered a child with the woman in front of her? Although she sadly couldn’t put past him impregnating another woman, the answer seemed obvious to her. She was positive he didn’t even know Livia. Then she thought about the only person they had in common, the only degree of separation.

‘’Hugo?’’ she asked carefully

‘’Yes! He forced me to abort our baby. He wanted to be free for you, without a child hindering him. And now that you are pregnant and I’m sure he hasn’t asked you to abort, has he?’’ Hillary opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out, she was speechless ‘’Tell me, Hillary, why does he want your child and not mine? It was an innocent baby!

‘’Hugo is not the father of my child. My husband is’’ she said after a while as Livia kept weeping ‘’I never slept with Hugo. There’s nothing between us.  And I know this doesn’t help but I’m sorry. I really am’’

Livia didn’t know what came to her but she suddenly found herself hugging Hillary and crying on her shoulder like she hadn’t allowed herself in months. They spent most part of the afternoon conversing. About Hugo, about Bill and about their hopes and dreams like two friends would and while they both knew this unexpected friendship wasn’t meant to last, they both felt grateful for the other’s understanding. When the bells from the nearby church announced it was six o’clock, Hillary realized that she had to leave. Livia understood and after they shared a thank-you hug that would have seemed impossible when they first met, Hillary walked to the door. As Livia watched her, she felt a pang of guilt in her chest. She wasn’t being entirely truthful with her new found friend. Within seconds, she made her decision: she would not allow Hugo to continue lying, even if it costed her her job. Her dignity was more important. Therefore, she ran after Hillary and called her just before she entered the elevator.

‘’Hillary? There’s something else I need to tell you’’

Chapter Text

Fuming, Hillary left the office and walked to Hugo’s house. She was mad, at herself and at him. How could he lie to her like that? She had thought he was different, that he really cared about her; that understood her. She even wished Bill was more like him and imagined herself with someone like him instead! But she had discovered that perfection didn’t exist. And she feel completely stupid. He had played her, but he was going to hear her out.

***

As Bill hung up his wet trunks on the balcony’s rail, he spotted her. His wife, the love of his life. He had to admit he had missed her today. Snorkeling- or everything if he were to be honest with himself- was always so much fun with Hillary around.  As he watched her determined and confident strut, he felt his stomach flutter. She was the one for him, he had no doubt. Everything was empty and lacked life without her, because Hillary was his life. He sheepishly realized that he had been a fool and regretted his reaction the day before. It was probably just a kiss, like the many meaningless ones he had shared with women that weren’t his wife and he never considered that cheating. He admitted that she had every right to be confused but he knew she loved him, just as much as he loved her. He had seen it in her eyes, the bewitching windows to her beautiful soul as she moaned his name the night before. That was real and he would fight for it, for her. His hurt male ego, his pride, weren’t going to ruin their marriage.

 However, as he continued watching her and saw her take the turn in direction to Hugo’s villa instead of theirs, those hopeful thoughts were quickly shoved to the back of his head, his heart clenching and his eyes watering. Still, he kept watching like a masochist, the last ounces of hope ebbing away, to see her knocking on his door and going inside. He felt like he was being strangled. As the first tears started to fall, Bill quickly whipped them away and the hopelessness was replaced by hot rage.

 She had made her choice and if she was out there fucking around, so would he.

***

Hugo opened the door with a smile on his face and motioned for her to come inside. He was elated to see her, on his doorstep like he had always dreamed of. She looked so beautiful with her sandy blonde hair slightly messy and little freckles caused by the sun now visible on the tip of her nose. However, when his gaze focused on his eyes, he knew something wasn’t right.

‘’Hi, Hill!’’ he greeted her with optimism, hoping to soothe the intense anger he knew was building up inside of her. ‘’It’s so nice to see you. Welcome to my home! Do you…?’’

His words were interrupted by a slap across that echoed in the room. Hugo brought his hand to his face, caressing his cheek in obvious pain.

‘’What the hell, Hillary?’’ he managed to ask, his eyes meeting her blazing ones.

‘’You bastard!’’ she said, her words oozing venom that sent shivers down Hugo’s spine. ‘’How could you lie to me!? Why would you keep me working on a project that was solved months ago!? Actually I will tell you why. You were probably thinking: Let’s keep the stupid Hillary Rodham entertained till Mr. Hugo Kerrigan can get in her pants!’’ She mocked him but the accusatory and somber tone in her words didn’t go amiss. After a pause, she added in a furious yet broken voice ‘’is this why you brought me here?’’

After a whole life working in a male-dominated environment, he knew some didn’t take her seriously as a professional just for being a woman and even though she was already used to it, it didn’t hurt any less. On his part, Hugo wanted to tell her it wasn’t true and wrap her in his arms to calm her down but he knew it would be futile.

‘’Who told you?’’ he asked and Hillary didn’t respond. She didn’t want him taking action against Livia. ‘’Was it my secretary?’’ he asked again in a warning tone. Hillary couldn’t help but look down and he got his answer.

Fucking Livia! I should have kicked that bitch out when I had the chance. Think, Hugo, think or you’ll lose her forever.

‘’She’s lying, Hills. She is jealous of you. We had a story that I ended when I met you. I…’’ his words were cut short by her piercing shriek in disbelief.

‘’You made her abort your child to be free for me! Did she lie about that too?’’ He cursed internally, Livia had a looser tongue than he thought.

‘’She did abort our child but I never forced her to! I offered to cover all the costs which she gladly accepted. None of us wanted a child to hinder us at this point’’ Hillary was silent, debating who to believe ‘’ It wasn’t about you, don’t think so high of yourself’’ He saw Hillary recoil and knew his smugness was only pushing her further apart so he decided to change tactics ‘’But despite your flaws like every human being I love you. You have awakened something in me that I didn’t think it was there. You make me want to become a better person to be deserving of your love’’ He was speaking from the heart but she didn’t believe it. She had been fooled enough.

‘’How do you claim to love me if you lied to me? You don’t lie to someone you love!’’ she quickly cut her statement short, embarrassed. Her marriage was riddled with lies. Not the same kind of lies but lies nevertheless. Everything wasn’t black or white.

‘’Tell that to your husband! I lied to get you, he lies to get it on with other women. He doesn’t love you and you don’t even see it. Hell, you wouldn’t even see it if you found him fucking someone in your bed! He may be doing it now as we speak!’’

She slapped him again, not willing to admit he had struck a nerve and dived into her deepest insecurities. He loves me, he loves me. He’s not cheating, he’s not, she repeated as a mantra in order to convince herself.

‘’You know I’m right, Hillary. You have as much worth to him as the cheapest prostitute on the next corner’’

Livid, she raised her hand to slap him again but this time, he managed to catch it in the air. Doing the same to her other hand, he pushed her against the wall.

He was mad. No other woman had ever dared to hit him, not since his governess when he was a naughty boy. And she was going to pay for it, he was going to hit back. However, in the midst of it, he felt incredibly aroused. Her plump lips so close to him, her hot breath caressing his face, his delicious breasts pressed against his chest. He just knew he needed to have her. Here and now. Hard and fast. That would teach her. He crushed his mouth against hers, his tongue pushing powerfully against her lips until Hillary, still in shock, granted access.

Unexpectedly, she found herself responding to the kiss, desperate to feel something other than pain. Her tongue started to dance expertly with Hugo’s, who grunted at her unexpected moves. He released one of her hands and brought it down to the curve of her ass to put her close, making her aware of their respective arousals. She grind her hips against his and when they moaned in unison, something snapped in her mind. She couldn’t do it.  She couldn’t cheat on Bill. As he told her many years ago when she threated to go and sleep with someone in DC, it would make them both miserable. Hypocritical knowing how many times he had already cheated on her then and how many more were to come but still she couldn’t bring herself to do it, let alone for the wrong reasons. She loved him and she was better than this.

‘’Please stop’’ she pleaded, breaking the kiss and trying to push him with her free hand. However, he didn’t stop.

‘’I know you want this, baby’’ he started sucking on her neck and upper neck, effectively marking her. She kept fighting him, and pushing him but it was futile. Annoyed, he briefly pulled apart and flipped her around so her face was touching the wall. From that position, he roughly kneaded her breasts over her t-shirt and rubbed his arousal against her butt.

‘’You are about to feel what is like to be fucked by a real man’’ he whispered over the years and she couldn’t help but cry. She felt his hand toying with the band of her pants then she heard a zipped being pulled down. She was scared like she had never been in her life. ‘’Please…’’ she pleaded one last time.

As he noticed the fear in her voice and the heart wrenching sobs that went with it, his mind went back to almost twenty years ago. His mother breathing the same words as his father thrusted into her merciless and his innocent eyes watching it all from his hideout, his heart breaking at her mother’s suffering. Once his father had found his release he pulled away and she fell to the floor. Unable to see his mother like that, he came out and ran towards her, only to be caught by his father. ‘’This is how you have to treat women if you want to be respected, son’’ he told her and dragged him out of the room, leaving his mother crying on the floor.  

He looked at Hillary’s expression, her eyes closed but her tears still flowing and he saw his mom, as well as many other women who suffered the same fate in the hands of other men in the most deplorable affirmation of power. Immediately, he pulled away. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be like them, like him. He couldn’t hurt the woman he loved. She turned around, still breathless but relieved and he realized he couldn’t meet her eyes. He was so ashamed. He opened the door and she didn’t hesitate to run away, leaving his shattered and undeserving heart.

‘’I love you’’ he said in defeat as he watched her walk away. He knew that he was probably never going to see her again but nevertheless he was glad of having met her. In just a couple of months she had made him realize what was important in life and she had taught her what love was, that it was possible to feel something in a kiss and care about other’s feelings. He still had to learn to love properly but he was confident he could. Hillary had taught him that nothing was impossible.

 ‘’Goodbye, my love’’ and closed the door as one would close a book after reading what he knew would be one of the best chapters in the story of his life.

***

Hillary came home running, still terrified and shaken to the core. She was hoping to find Bill, she needed him to comfort her, to provide that human need of solace and comprehension. However, when she opened the door, she found the house as empty as when she had left this morning. As empty as she was now feeling. Emotionally exhausted she went for a hot shower and she let herself fall on the couch afterwards. In the silent, darkened room, she unable to keep her tears at bay. She cried herself to sleep while rubbing her stomach, thinking that at least, she wasn’t alone. She held on to that feeling like a lifeline.

Several hours later, she awakened when she heard the door opening. She rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. 4am. Then she looked at Bill, his disheveled aspect providing all the information she needed. Still, she dared to ask.

‘’Where were you?’’ but he didn’t respond.

He simply walked further into the room, taking in her ruffled look. So damn beautiful still but so fucked up. He knew he had fucked her up and his heart melted when she looked into her sad blue eyes, already shining with unshed tears. He felt the urge to cry too. He loved her, he loved her so much and he couldn’t keep hurting her. And she had hurt him too, although not nearly half as much. He knew they needed to talk, they needed to have that equally dreaded and anticipated conversation on their future, but he couldn’t find the words. Hence, both of them stood there simply facing each other, their miserable souls crying out for solace that both were hesitant to provide.  

Knees buckling and with a knot in his stomach, he sat next to her, afraid she would move away. She didn’t, couldn’t or frankly wanted to. As a small sob left her mouth and two lonely tears rolled down her cheek, Bill couldn’t take it anymore. He opened his arms to her and when she moved her small figure to accommodate herself and cry freely on his chest, Bill spotted something that made his blood boil. Two purple marks stood proudly on her pale neck, forcing his jealousy to take over.

‘’What’s this?’’ he asked but she didn’t respond. The little patience he had left was slipping away by the second. ‘’I asked you a question, Hillary. What’s this?’’ he pointed forcefully at the marks, his finger leaving a mark of its own as Hillary flinched. Streams of tears were falling and she held her knees closer to her chest. Bill stood up and started pacing the room. He wanted to take her in his arms but he was so damn angry and jealous. And Hillary was broken, so damn broken.

‘’Bill…’’ she called softly, realizing that crying wasn’t going to solve their problems. She knew what the marks looked like but she needed to know the truth. ‘’This is not what it seems…’’

‘’Is it not, Hillary? Those aren’t hickeys? Did you hit yourself with the bathroom cabinet’s door? My poor baby’’ he said cynically and Hillary was mad, she didn’t like being mocked or not listened at. She’d had enough.

‘’He tried to force me, you insensitive asshole!’’ she told him bitterly and his face fell ‘’Yeah, that’s right. Not everyone is like you and your little whores, some people respect the sacred vows of marriage. But not for long…’’

He suddenly couldn’t breathe. His girl had been in danger and he hadn’t been there to protect her. He was looking for a rebound chick instead. For a vengeance, instead of caring about what he should have. Quickly to jump to conclusions, he had believed his eyes and didn’t let her explain. Now he knew she was contemplating a divorce, perhaps as a possibility, perhaps she had already made a decision, and he couldn’t blame her.

‘’What… do you mean?’’

‘’I mean that I’m done with all this. I’m done with your senseless jealousy and your running after the first skirt you see when things get difficult’’ she vented and let out a big sigh.

‘’Was it? Was my jealousy senseless in this case? There has never been nothing between you and Hugo?’’ he asked, his words devoid of malice or judgement. ‘’Because I saw you at the beach’’ She brought her hands to her mouth and he continued. ‘’You were kissing, Hillary. Like you should only kiss me, like I should only kiss you’’ He paused for a moment to calm himself down ‘’I now understood how it feels and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, baby. I love you but I understand if you don’t love me anymore.’’

‘’What are you talking about? I love you and honestly, I wish I didn’t’’ she walked to him and took his hands in her ‘’But you hurt me, you keep hurting me. I thought Hugo was different, that he would love me right. I’m not going to lie, I was attracted to him, to his personality, or what I thought his personality was like, and yes, physically. I thought about how you could be more like the person I thought he was and yes, I fleetingly dreamed about starting a life with him. But when he kissed me, Bill’’ he tried to interrupt her but she didn’t let him ‘’When I kissed him, Bill, when you saw us kissing, I realized that it was nothing more than an illusion, that I didn’t feel half of the things I feel when you kiss me, when you touch me. I thought he was perfect but he isn’t you. I’m in love with you, Bill. Despite your flaws, despite how much you hurt me. But that doesn’t mean we can keep going on like this’’

‘’I’m so sorry, baby. I am. I am a fool. I love you so much’’ he whipped and Hillary moved his hands away from him and folded them carefully on his lap. She was trying hard not to fall for it again.

‘’You are always sorry but you never change’’

‘’That’s not true, honey. I…’’

‘’Is it not?’’ she asked, using the same structure he had just minutes ago ‘’weren’t you with a woman today? Weren’t you with her when I needed you?’’ She couldn’t help it anymore and broke down, crying inconsolably once again. He wanted to comfort her but she didn’t let him.

‘’I didn’t do anything’’ He was telling the truth, or at least half of it. No, he couldn’t go on with half-truths and white lies anymore. If they were to fix it (and there was nothing he wanted more) he had to be honest. ‘’But I almost did’’ She looked at him and he suddenly felt hesitant. He didn’t want to hurt her anymore. However, she nodded encouragingly and he proceeded ‘’I saw you getting into Hugo’s house earlier today. That broke me, Hillary, thinking that you were his, that you wanted to be his. I felt miserable, so miserable that I needed a respite, something to take my mind of things, or rather someone. So I went to the bar. After a few drinks I saw a pretty lady, we started flirting and we ended up in the back room. We were kissing and we would have gone all the way had she not spotted the wedding ring on my finger. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’’

‘’Why?’’ she managed to ask in a small voice. ‘’Why do you always do that? Don’t you care about someone other than yourself? Don’t you care about me? ’’

‘’Baby girl, I care so much about you but I don’t know what is wrong with me’’ He ran his hands through his hair and reluctantly met her disappointed gaze. He knew he had to provide her with a satisfactory answer if he wanted another chance ‘’When I’m angry, stressed or jealous I lose control of my impulses and look for everything to make me forget, to make me not to think. I just don’t want to suffer but after I’ve done it, I suffer because I made you suffer, so I go at it again to easy my guilt. It’s a vicious circle and I don’t know how to get out of it’’ He let himself cry before he continued ‘’Don’t believe for one second that it is because I don’t love you, I do, so much. You are the love of my life’’

‘’You seem to forget it very often… You don’t do that to someone you love, Bill. Maybe you don’t really love me’’

‘’Of course I do! More than my own life!’’ he saw she was still dubious

‘’I wish I could believe you’’

 ‘’Tell me something, Hillary. When we make love, do you feel loved, cherished, desired?’’

‘’I do but…’’

‘’But nothing, Hillary. That’s real’’ he grabbed her hand and placed it on his heart which was beating rapidly ‘’this is real. Only you make it beat this way. Only you make it beat at all’’

She had to close her eyes, overwhelmed. She wanted to believe him but that nagging voice that reminded her of all her flaws wouldn’t leave her. Before she could voice those feelings and insecurities, he spoke again.

‘’I need help. Professional help’’ he admitted ‘’I’ve been thinking a lot about this and that’s the only solution I found. I need to really figure out why I keep doing this because I want to stop hurting you Hillary, baby. I can’t keep hurting the most precious thing in my life. I am only ask you for one thing, love, your support. Please stay with me while I fight all my demons because I need you to be strong. I can’t do it without you. And if after everything you decided that it’s not enough and you no longer want me, I’ll respect your decision’’

Hillary was silent. Professional Help. She had to admit that it wasn’t the solution she would have chosen as she had always believed more in self-healing, taking care of your own problems alone. But they had tried for so long and things were only getting worse. Perhaps it was just what they needed. There was only one way to find out.

‘’We need help’’ she answered solemnly and he looked at her ‘’we can’t go on like this. You have issues and I have issues too, that we aren’t able to fix by ourselves. And I really want to, Bill, I want things to go back to how we were, I want us to be like we were. Especially now’’

‘’Of course, baby, we will’’ He kissed her hands and he beamed. After a long time, he was genuinely hopeful, then suddenly his mind registered her last two words, ‘especially now’. He knew it could mean nothing but his whip-smart Hillary never did owt for nowt. ‘’But why especially now?’’

She took a deep breath as he remained expectant, never breaking eye contact.

‘’I’m pregnant’’ Silence. ‘’We are having a baby, Bill!’’ Her cheerful voice was once again met with silence and she froze. Was he not happy? Did he think a baby now was a hindrance? Remembering that the lack of communication was one of the reasons they were there, she knew they needed to talk about it despite how painful that could be. ‘’What’s wrong? Talk to me, Billy’’

He felt the uncertainty in her words and that was enough for tears to fall again down his face. Hillary suddenly panicked. ‘’Are you not happy? I’m so sorry’’ he realized she had gotten it all wrong.

‘’Not happy? Baby, I’m the happiest man in the world!’’ His voice was sincere and she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. ‘’I just wasn’t expecting this. We’ve been trying for so long with the same results… I’m scared’’ he admitted and she hugged him.

‘’Honey, I’m13 weeks along. It’s safe’’ she announced and his face lit up. ‘’The period was a false alarm. Everything looks normal. Our baby is healthy!’’

Overwhelmed, he hugged her tightly. Not even in his wildest dreams had he imagined they would be having another child. Failure after failure, he had given up and was content and grateful for Chelsea. But now his wife was about to give him yet another gift. She had given him everything and he was the luckiest man in the world. Now it was time for him to start giving it back. He was even more determined to become a good man for her, to love her right. She would not share one more tear because of him.

‘’I love you so much’’ he said, slightly pulling away to place his hand on her warm belly. Their foreheads were touching as they both looked down, marveling at the sensation. He softly caressed her cheek. ‘’Thank you, Hillary. For everything’’ She looked down, trying desperately not to cry again. And failing. He whipped them away tenderly with the pad of his thumb, locking his eyes with hers. So beautiful. ‘’May I kiss you?’’

As heartbreaking as the fact that he had to ask was, when Hillary bridged the short distance and pressed her lips against his, there was no room in their hearts for sorrows. No other men, no other women. No regrets or disappointments. Only their souls singing songs of joy, hope and love. Everything was going to be all right.

 

THE END