Chapter Text
"O...MG!" Charlies squeal woke Castiel with a start. He leapt from the bed, covered her mouth with his hand and nearly dragged her from the room.
“Shhhhh! You’ll wake him up.” Castiel whispered as soon as they were in the living room.
Charlies eyes bugged. As soon as Cas took his hand from her mouth she began animatedly whispering, “Holy shit Cas-a-nova. You totally have a real life, hot dude in your bed!”
Castiel let out a dramatic sigh and headed into the kitchen. “ I need coffee. You are far too chipper this morning.”
Charlie beamed, unfazed, “ oh yeah, I totally already made it but you’re not getting out of this. I want every detail and it better be good.”
They both turned sharply as someone cleared their throat loudly from the doorway. Charlie shrugged and whispered to Cas, “woops. Guess I woke him.”
Dean folded his arms across his bare chest and leaned against the door jamb. “mornin’. I hope there’s coffee in my immediate future.”
Cas stepped past Charlie and handed Dean a cup of black coffee. He said quietly, “I trust you slept well?”
Deans face softened, “ Best sleep I’ve had in while. You okay?”
Charlie hummed the starwars theme until they both were looking at her, she grinned “oh! Don’t mind me. I’ll just wait till one of you tells me what went down last night”
Dean chuckled and said to Cas, “ Is she like this any time you have a guy around?”
Cas cleared his throat. He rubbed the back of his neck., “ I uhm... I wouldn’t know. This is the first time she’s ever seen me with someone.”
Dean raised his eyebrow, “Oh, my bad, I assumed she’d been working for you for a while.”
Charlie nodded, she emphasized her words, “ Yep! For years now. So.. yeah...”
Cas took Charlie by the arm and walked her to the door, “ Well, it was nice of you to stop by Charlie, sorry you gotta be running off so soon.”
Charlie laughed. She hugged Cas and whispered in his ear, “ you are SO telling me what happened later.”
Cas nodded and closed the door. It was only after she drove off that Castiel realized his mistake. He was now alone with Dean and had no idea what to say.
Dean took his coffee to the living room and sat on the couch. “ So... you, uh... don’t get out much, then”
Cas sat next to him. “Well.. after my parents... you know. Not really.”
Dean wanted to get Cas’ mind away from sad things. He smiled, “ Well, then, guess that makes me pretty special”
Castiel met his eyes, “ You are.”
Dean licked his lip, He set his coffee down“ Uh, I should, I should probably go ... “
Cas shook his head. He looked at his own hands folded in his lap. “ It’s alright Dean. You don’t have to make excuses. You can leave. It’s awkward, I understand”
Dean furrowed his brow. “ I don’t think you do, Cas. I don’t think I should go because you somehow made it awkward by showing emotion. I think I should go because, well, I really wanna kiss you right now and that probably makes me an insensitive jerk.”
Cas gave a little laugh, “ probably” He said. Then he reached over and pulled Dean’s face into a kiss.
Dean shifted back on the couch and pulled Cas onto his lap where he was straddling him. He deepened the kiss. Cas let out a little moan.
The front door opened. Charlie exclaimed “oh! um, shit! I forgot my..” she halfway covered her eyes grabbing blindly at the kitchen table till her hand closed around a cellphone. “ Just, you know, carry on, as you were, sorry.” She backed into the door turned around and hurried out.
As the door closed both men looked at eachother and burst out laughing. Dean was the first to speak, he chuckled “ So I’m guessing the mood is sort of killed. How bout some breakfast?”
Castiel slid off Deans lap still giggling, “ Don’t suppose she’ll accept the excuse it wasn’t what it looked like?”
Dean laughed again as he headed into the kitchen.
After breakfast Dean had to leave to go reassure his mom he was unharmed after not returning home the night before. Once he was gone Castiel sat down to think. His concentration was disrupted by halluci-Dean. He was sure it wasn’t the real Dean this time since he appeared with his head lying in Castiels lap. “Well, Cas old buddy, what in hell do you plan to do now?”
Castiel told himself to ignore him. He stood up and HD fell to the floor. A moment later however he was leaning against the wall. “ Hey now. You know you can’t really ignore me. I mean, I am obviously a manifestation of your inner psyche trying to tell you ..”
Cas turned around “ Shut up! Okay, just shut up. Are you aware how insane I am that i’m having these VIVID hallucinations?”
Dean raised his eyebrow, “ Im gonna assume that was a rhetorical question. Because obviously if i’m just a piece of your brain then of course I would know that it’s nuts for you to be standing around talking to me. Question is, what do you plan to do about it and also why are you still seeing me? Answer, unrealistic unexpectations. You need to see me because real Dean is a hot mess and you have no idea how to deal with him. I, on the other hand, am easy to talk to and you know all about me.”
Cas rubbed his brow, “ That’s all probably true. But I think it’s even simpler then that. You don’t exist therefore you can’t die and leave me alone.”
HalluciDean looked at Cas sadly, “ but Cas, you’re already alone.”
He faded away leaving Cas staring at a blank wall in an empty house. He shook his head, picked up the phone and called Charlie. When she answered he said “ Okay, come over. I’ll tell you everything”
An hour later Charlie sat with her mouth half opened blinking rapidly “ Okay, lemme see if I understand. You got those tapes when you bought the car. After a while you started seeing and talking to what you thought was the ghost of Dean. Then Dean turns out not to be dead and, because of the car and the tapes you end up hitting it off and even though he has slept over a few times now y’all still haven’t gotten busy. Oh and you’re somehow still hallucinating this perfect version of Dean?”
Cas nodded, “ Yeah . That pretty much covers it. So, as my only friend and one person I can trust with this info, what’s your advice?”
Charlie pretended to mull it over, she nodded her head, “ Yep! Only one thing you can do, your just gonna have to sleep with him.”
“Charlie!” Cas yelled exasperated
She giggled, “ Okay, okay, seriously though, I don’t know. Do you think this has something to do with... you know, your other thing”
Cas pursed his lips. “ You mean my parents.”
Charlie shrugged, “ Well... sort of. I mean... don’t get mad but... your music.”
Cas cleared his throat and looked away, “yeah, I don’t really wanna..”
Charlie interrupted, “ Come on Castiel. Now is not the time to shut down. You have a potentially very serious problem. If it’s not that other thing and it’s not a ghost then it could be a brain tumor”
Cas mimicked Arnold Schwartsniger in Kindergarten Cop “ It’s not a tuma’!”
Charlie smiled. “ Okay then, consider me a super cheap therapist. Let’s try and talk about the big M.”
Castiel ran his hands down his face, “ maybe some other time...”
”Cas!” Charlie yelled.
Castiel yelled back, “ Fine! Music was my LIFE! It was all that consumed me, the only thing that made me happy. And while I was performing, my fucking parents died! They died Charlie, okay? They died and I wasn’t with them because my damned music was more important than going on that trip with them.” His voice softened “ How can I possibly play now?”
Charlie shook her head. She touched his knee, “ Oh, sweetheart, how can you not? You’re parents loved you and they were so proud of you. I’m 100% sure if they were given the choice they would absolutely pick you being at that concert doing what you love over their little boy dying on that plane with them.”
Cas took a deep breath, “ well, even still, it’s not exactly like I have anything joyful to play about.”
Charlie shrugged, “Then play something sad. Let yourself finally mourn, Cas, so you can heal.”
Cas half smiled, “Thanks, C.C.”
Charlie smiled, “ I do what I can Casanova.”
Charlie left Cas in his music room closing the door behind him. Castiel walked over and sat at the piano. He took a few deep breaths. As his fingers touched the ivory keys, he felt a pull on his heart. He began to play a medley and started singing
“ I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
Get your feel to eat but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted”
Castiels mind drifted into the past. He sat at a grand piano. His legs dangling from the bench. He played a song and his mother sat beside him singing. He could still hear her voice and feel her arm around him. She sang I hope you dance. As Cas sang he heard her.
“ god forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out ir dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance”
Cas stopped playing. His fingers slid from the keyboard. He didn’t even try to wipe the tears from his eyes. He just let them fall onto the piano.
Hallucidean sat down on the bench beside him. “ I think it’s time I go, Cas”
Castiel shook his head no
HD looked sad “ Come on, you don’t need me anymore. It’s time you rejoin the real world.”
Cas wiped the tears from his eyes and sniffled, “ The real world is ugly”
Hallucidean shrugged, “ Yeah but it’s also awesome and more importantly, it’s real.”
Cas put his head in his hands. He squeezed his eyes shut. Taking a deep breath he said, “ okay. You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real.”
When he looked up hallucidean was gone and Cas knew he wasn’t coming back. He felt calmer somehow and the tears had dried. He got up from the piano and walked over to his dads guitar. He slid his hand over the cool wood and slipped the strap around his neck. As he pulled the pick out from the strings he heard a light knock on the door. Dean peeked his head in, “ Charlie let me in, can I come in?”
Cas nodded “ you came back quickly.”
Dean came in and sat in a faded armchair. He didn’t address Cas’s unspoken question“ So.. I see you’re wearing a guitar. Could you maybe play me something?”
Castiel smiled. For the first time in a long time it didn’t hurt to think about playing. He remembered suddenly that he loved this. “ Yeah Dean, I can play you something. The, uh, first thing I ever learned to play on guitar is a country song called stealing cinderella, but when I realized I was gay, I kinda changed the words. Wanna hear that?”
Dean grinned, “ Hell yeah, I love that song.
Cas smiled and began to play. His deep baritone voice followed.
“ Well, I came to see his mama to sit down like a man
There wasn’t any secret I’d be asking for his hand
I guess that’s why she left me standing in the living room by myself
with at least a dozen pictures of him sitting on the shelf
He was playing superhero, riding his first bike, bouncing on the bed looking for a pillow fight. Running through the sprinklers with a big popsicle grin and dancing with his mama. She was smiling down at him. In his eyes I’m prince charming but to her I’m just a villain swooping in stealin’ little batman.
I leaned into a picture to get a better look at one ,when I heard a voice behind me say
Ain’t he something, son? I said yes my man’s amazing
but she just stared at me and I realized that in her eyes he would always be,
Playing super heroes, riding his first bike. Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight. Running through the sprinklers with a big popsicle grin. Dancing with his mama. She was smiling down at him. In his eyes I’m prince charming but to her I’m just some villain riding in stealing little batman.
So she gives me a hard time but I can’t blame the woman. I’m the one stealing her batman.”
Dean grinned as Cas set down the guitar and sat next to him. “ Cas, I think I like that song even more now. What did your parents think about the changes?”
Cas absentmindedly flipped the pick through his fingers. “ My father said revisions and covers were as popular in country music as Nashville, tennessee. As far as the fact that I changed it to be about a boy, he said as long as the person I end up with is brave and kind he couldn’t care less if they had lady parts or guy parts”
Dean shook his head and sat further back in the chair, “ That’s a hell of a Dad, Cas”
Castiel shrugged, “ Yes he was. What did your parents think when you came out?”
Dean raised his eyebrows, “ Dude, my mom doesn’t even know I’m gay.”
Cas was startled, “ I think it’s time to change that, Dean”
Dean reluctantly agreed. “I just... I don’t even know how to go about it”
Cas grinned “ Well, you have it pretty easy actually. After thinking you were dead for over a year, finding out you are into guys doesn’t really seem that harsh.”
Dean laughed, “You might just have a point. Alright, no time like the present. Will you... will you come with me?”
Cas nodded and smiled “ Yes, Dean. I will go with you.”