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to be enough

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When they capture him, he tells them they’re doomed. Because he is Rodney McKay smartest person in two galaxies and because his team will rescue him and then they will kick their asses. He just knows they will come. They always do.

During the first interrogation that’s all that comes out of him between his cries of pain. They laugh and call him a fool. Well, he may be one in their eyes, but he is a genius and he knows his team will come to his rescue.

The second time he says nothing. He screams and that’s it. Back in his cell he tries to convince himself to believe they haven’t abandoned him. In the end he believes it, but the doubts never really go away. Because there was Doranda and after Rod was there and Sheppard shot him, he isn’t so certain anymore.

The third is only a blur of pain and the wish to please, please make it stop. He still hasn’t told them about Atlantis. He won’t, ever.
The doubts get stronger. They liked Rod more than him, how couldn’t they? He was nice and easy to get along, so much unlike him.
And he had failed again. He failed his team again; he couldn’t stop the Wraith technology from messing with their minds. It was his fault that Teyla was in pain back then. His fault, that Ronon couldn’t tell the difference between them and a Wraith. His fault, that John had to live through Afghanistan over again. His fault and that moment he was back on Doranda and he was surprised John still trusted him afterwards.

The fourth and fifth kind of are the same. He doesn’t know when the fourth ended and the fifth began. The pain won’t go away anymore and he can’t focus on anything. He probably has some internal bleeding and definitely has a fever. He doesn’t believe that they will come for him anymore. But he hopes. This hope he clings to for dear life.

The sixth is the worst. He can’t remember half of it, but what he remembers is enough. He thinks, he won’t be able to use his hands ever again or his feet for that matter. Even if they come now, it’s too late. The only reason they ever needed him, wanted him, was for his brains and how should he work without using his hands?
He doesn’t realize that he's crying until he hears the whimpers and realizes they come out of his mouth. But he can’t stop the tears.

There’s no seventh. He doesn’t know how long he has been crying when he hears the explosion. He hopes his kidnappers somehow managed to blow themselves up. It doesn’t even cross his mind that it could be his team. He hears the footsteps outside his cell and loses all hope.

They will hurt him again. He can’t do this anymore.

As the door opens he wants to die. So he doesn’t have to live through endless torture again.
When he hears Ronon curse and cry for Sheppard, he thinks he finally lost it. But some part of him believes that this is real, that they came.
He still closes his eyes and tries to shut out everything. He merely feels the hand on his arm and Sheppard’s voice calling him. Sheppard has to say his name three times until he opens his eyes. What he sees is John. John who looks relieved, scared and guilty and whose hands have been shaking him. John’s eyes show concern and maybe he really lost it but that’s okay. If he has to die, he’s okay with it now. And it should scare him that he’s okay with dying but all he feels is some sort of happiness. They came. They really did.
Everything’s going slowly black and he hears John telling him to hang on but he’s suddenly so tired and can’t bring himself to care about anything. Because they didn’t leave him behind and that’s all that matters.

When he opens his eyes again he’s in the infirmary. The light is dimed and the pain is nothing more than a dull ache. Carson must have given him some of the really good stuff.
He looks around and notices Sheppard sleeping in an uncomfortable position on a chair right next to his bed. Ronon’s sitting against the wall and smiling at him. He doesn’t say a word and returns the smile weakly. He sees Teyla sitting against John’s chair, she’s also sleeping and someone put a blanket around her.
He feels his eyes falling shut again and he gives in and falls asleep. Because he’s back in Atlantis, back home and his team really came to rescue him and that’s all that matters.

All that will ever matter.