Work Header

Four-and-a-half Things that Ray Vecchio Never Was (and one thing he was happy to be)

Work Text:


Ironically, it was Shakespeare that first put him onto the idea. He hated English with a passion (and the teacher sucked too), and so researching Shakespeare and finding the quote about killing the lawyers? That actually sounded like a great job to have. If the damn bard hated them so much, then it must be a seriously awesome job.

So he worked his way through law school with a full-time job and a dream, but getting a job to go with his degree was a little bit more difficult. He very nearly became a police admin just to pay the bills, but managed to avoid it through sheer luck, when a call came while he was filling out the application forms at home. Sure, it just was a paralegal intern job in the ASA's office, but this was definitely a serious stepping stone on the way to the big-time. Nothing was going to stand between him and this goal.

He could keep working nights in McDonald's if he had to, just until the internship turned into a proper job.



His dad sold his son's soul for a future with the mob. Assurances of life, and so forth. Never expected to actually have a son, but of course, that was the thing.

So here he was. Adult, and now officially 'Satan in training', which he had a feeling actually made him Beelzebub, or maybe the Anti-Christ. He'd never really paid much attention to all those long sermons his mom had made him listen to when he was a kid, but now he really wished he had.

But seriously, it really wasn't fair for him to have to pretend to be a woman and sleep with this Canadian. Even if he had a feeling that the only reason he wasn't really enjoying this was the ridiculous shape-changing he apparently needed to do for it. Something told him he really didn't need to be a girl for this at all.


Rats are actually a very intelligent animal. It was that class pet that he'd had to look after in the third grade who had confirmed his respect for the animals. That look in her eyes...

Yeah, rats were very intelligent, maybe even noble animals. Which was why when he had to catch them, he tried to kill them in as humane a way as possible, even if the others always said he was dumb to spend so much money on them.

But it did mean that he was respected for what he did, and he did get a lot of money from the sort of rich person who wanted 'vermin' out of the house, but didn't want them to suffer much. And when he was called up all official-like by the local police, he jumped at the chance.

Bartender/Zen poet

He got home every morning at 3 am, and went straight to bed. Then he got back up again at ten, and meditated for half an hour, and then he got dressed. On his two days off a week (which was really more like one day off a fortnight), he went to the gym and worked out.

It wasn't much of a life. But he did own the bar, and his tips averaged out at $500 a night, which was a darn sight more than the industry standard and always made his tax return fun to juggle. At least the royalties from his Chapbooks (three so far, and the publishers were hounding him for another volume) were easy to sort out.

When that federal agent came by, he tried to be zen about it. It wasn't okay, though.

It hurt, seeing that man who was everything that he might have been.

But never mind. The bar opened in two hours.

* * * *

“Well, I don't know Ray, I think you're just fine the way you are.”

“Look, Benny, all I'm saying is that one little change along the path, and I might not have ended up a cop, and I wouldn't be having to save your ass all the time, and then where would you be?”

“Nonsense Ray. I'm sure that eventually, your true calling would have been revealed.”

“Yeah, sure thing. Hey, you coming over tonight? Ma's making cannoli, and-”

“Certainly. Your mother's cannoli is a thing to be savoured.”

“That's great, because I already told her you were coming.”

“How did you know I would say yes, Ray?”

“Same way you know I was always gonna be a cop. Now get in the car already before the Lieu calls me back to do some paperwork he's just made up.”