Love is just like a knife that strikes deeply into human flesh, sinking its cold, metal blade with ease.
It was enough to make me suffer. I was unable to think clearly when I was influenced by it. It made me dizzy, it made me impatient, yet there was a hidden thrill and craving behind it.
Well, what can I say? I'm at fault, and I'll take full responsibility, since...
I enjoy falling in love with you.
The moment I recognized you, I was relieved to see an old face fresh for this year's semester. You haven't changed a bit and retained your usual personality, with the exception of your hair being tied like pigtails. I admit, I always wanted to tell you that it suits you, as you looked adorable.
But I couldn't. I wonder why.
Then, when assassination came along, you weren't the Nagisa I knew before; the innocent-like, good- for-nothing pet mouse that I'd been friends with during first year. All of your movements and actions, you were but a predator. You became someone that I should be wary of. Yet, when I see you in combat and class alike, you managed to take my breath away. Made me want to know more about you.
And I was afraid of that.
I thought that I was afraid of not being afraid, but here I am, hopelessly in love. I feared that if I plunged deeper into my desires, you'd back away from me, with a look of disgust and betrayal. You'd wonder why I became like this.
I was scared of losing you, so I kept it to myself and hid my feelings away. I ensured my distance, so that they wouldn't try to grow when I'm around you. I made an unnoticeable wall between us. It was like nothing at all.
It was going so well, that it pains me. And as days passed, I got torn with my decisions, confused if I should do them or not. It became difficult to approach you and talk to you like usual, so I decided I'd just glance at you from afar. As soon as laid my eyes on you, the more that I longed to be at your side. But who am I to stand in the same stage with you?
Who am I to love Nagisa Shiota?
As always, the day ends with my class being productive. Korosensei was working us hard to the bone, and we returned the favor with a few assassination attempts. I helped myself in bribing him with sweets, pictures, anything that would tickle his fancy. But of course, dismissal came and everyone was itching to go home after all that tiring work. I know I would.
"Karma, are you heading home already?"
I stopped dead in my tracks as that voice rang in my ears. Act normal. Act normal. I turn around, flashing the bluenette a smile. "Oh? Does Nagisa want my company?"
He averts his gaze, lowering his eyes on the ground. "If you don't seem to mind, can I ask for a favor?"
That's interesting, he'd rarely ask for one. He would usually deal with a problem alone. After a few minutes, I've decided. I'd best make lasting memories after all.
"Sure, but I don't accept perverted stuff~" I said, smirking devilishly at him.
"W-what gave you the thought that would I ask that?!" He exclaimed, his cheeks flaring. I chuckled a bit, admiring on how cute he's become.
"Well, you never know. Nagisa might be swinging that way." I replied jokingly, only to receive a pout and a kick from him afterwards. He's way too easy to tease.
And I really wouldn't mind eating him.
After a minute silence, Nagisa let out a sigh. "Anyways..." His mouth closed, as if he was hesitant to say it. Nevertheless, he continued. "I need your advice; what's the greatest gift that you can give to the one you love?"
I blinked in surprise. 'He's asking me about love?' I thought to myself, letting his question process in my mind. The bluenette waved his hands dismissively when I looked at him, perplexed.
"No, no it's not like that! I-I'm just deciding what present I'm supposed to give my mother!" He retorted, his face going red in embarrassment.
It hurts. "Why ask me? Nakamura and Kayano both seem like a fine choice for topics like this."
"They would tease me for thinking childishly," Nagisa replied. "Besides, you're knowledgeable, Karma. This is why I asked you personally."
Me? Knowledgeable? Don't be ridiculous.
"So, what do you think?"
After a moment of silence, I bit my lip before answering. "Love is..." Painful. "...warm."
I won't go down. I need to fight them, so I smiled and blabbered what I had on mind. I want this crap to end, after all. "I don't really know what love is all about, but..."
It stings, but I had to speak.
"We are lucky to have them. No matter how stupid we are, we are still loved by those we are close to," I found my hand gently caressing Nagisa's cheek. "From a mother's undying affection to a couple's deep bond, it is something that needs to be cherished and cared for at the same time."
I couldn't stop talking, it's as if I was telling him my feelings. And yet, he was absorbed in listening to what I say. I had to resist the urge of wanting to confess.
"So, I believe that, the greatest gift that you can give to the one you love, is love itself."
I ended my statement with a sigh, shaking in the process. I couldn't believe I had to say that, especially to the one I have been admiring the most. I looked at him once more, sending him a rather weak smile. "Is that enough for you, princess?"
Nagisa snapped out of his trance, and nodded slowly. "Y-yes! You've given me much more information than I had expected, Karma. Thank you very much."
Is that it? No more? "I see. Well, if there's nothing more to add, then I'll go."
As I walked away, more feelings came and washed over me like that of a wave. I had hoped that he'd notice, but...
That guy is really oblivious, isn't he?
I groan in irritation, looking at the warmly orange-coated sky. Tomorrow will be a day of pain. When was life that easy to live, anyway?
Love is a weapon used by many.
The three, affectionate words can serve as a bullet that could either pass through the skin or sink into it. It is up to us to accept the mark that it leaves behind, whether we like it or not.
I've always thought that love is a feeling of warmth and joy, just like he said before. I wondered what it feels to be shrouded in it, to be able to feel it.
Well, it's my mistake to wish for that. I'll try my best to make up for it, because...
I hated loving you, anyway.
It was raining today, the sky a gloomy canvas enveloped in a grayish color. I was grateful that my mom gave me an umbrella before, to be prepared in situations like this. As I walked under the cover of the umbrella, I noticed a familiar figure standing in the middle of the street, soaked. Spotting the red shade of their hair, I realized that it was none other than him. Akabane Karma.
I hastily approached him as I called out his name. He turned around to meet my gaze with a surprised look, his face somewhat pale.
"What are you doing? Do you want to catch a cold?" I interrupted, dragging him under my umbrella. "Do you have any extra clothes? You can change when we get to class."
He flashed me a smile. "You're asking too many questions. Are you that worried?"
My heart skipped a beat as he said that. His words are always effective on everyone, including me. Nevertheless, I replied. "Of course I'd be worried. Why are you here, anyway?"
Karma's mercury orbs turned to the sky. "I just thought that the sky looked beautiful today."
The downpour looked lovely? I glanced at him, hesitant to ask why he finds it pretty. Just then, I noticed his eyes seemed so sorrowful.
Why was that?
Karma then gave me a reassuring smile. "Let's go?"
I blinked in surprise at the sound of his voice. "Y-yeah, sure."
We arrived in class a tad late after that. Korosensei didn't seem to mind, but we still got scolded. Karma instantly went to the men's comfort room in order to change. I make my way to my seat, the earlier events clouding my mind. Not only I didn't pay attention to Korosensei's teachings today, but I found myself entranced by the rain.
I've known you since first-year. You were a person worthy of admiration, with the skills that you had combined with the personality that you bore, so before realizing it, I looked up to you. I wanted to befriend you, however, there was a gap between us; a wall that I was anxious of breaking.
How eventful it was when we've finally talked for once. It was that time that I was reading an article of Sonic Ninja, which happened to have your favorite film director adapting the comic book. I was glad that you took the chance to approach me.
As days passed, I managed to get a bit closer to you. We had chats and hung out, but when the time came that you had beaten delinquents that threatened you, you were nothing that of the Karma that I knew.
Yet I didn't mind. I brushed it off.
Then, it came to a point that you started to avoid me. All I could ever wonder that day was, "What did I do wrong?" I was taken aback for a day or two, but I realized; you and I, we're total opposites, so it's natural that we have different tastes.
And who am I to stand in the same stage as you?
So, I decided to let it be. We were back to square one, being classmates. Yet, there was this lingering feeling, it was something that I was unable to remove from my mind.
I had hope. I hoped that we could be friends once more.
And after two years or so, my hope came true. We met again. You were still Karma but at the same time, you weren't. My curiosity piqued at the thought of discovering this hidden you, so another feeling grows inside me.
Longing, that's what I had. And at the same time that I longed to know you, I wanted to be the only one who knows the real you. By that point, I figured I was being selfish.
I couldn't be like that, so I buried the thought. But my efforts were wasted, as it grows more and more when I spend my time with you.
And I loathed it. I despised the warm, fuzzy sensation that I feel with you. I couldn't be me when I was with you.
I didn't want to hurt you with these distracting feelings that I had for you. I didn't want to become a burden, so at least, just for you, I'll try to forget.
I love you, after all.
Time passed, and it was already break-time. Instead of going with Sugino and Kayano, I decided to stay put in my desk, eating one of my snacks. A voice made me stop eating, though.
"Nagisa, how was the gift?"
I turned to look at Karma, sending him a smile. "I took your advice, so I showered my mom with loads of affection last night. She couldn't stop giggling." Lowering my gaze and voice, I continued talking. "Thank you, really. I owe you one."
There was this side of me that wanted him to know, yet I was too bashful to say it.
He let out a chuckle as he began to ruffle my hair. "No need, I'd do anything for the princess."
A wave of silence soon followed after that, and since it the atmosphere was getting awkward between us, I blurted out something stupid. Really stupid. "You know, you can always tell me anything."
"Oh? Like what?" He said, tilting his head as if he was interested. I instantly regret my decision. Way to go, me! I thought to myself as the heat rose to my cheeks, as if it burst a million flames.
"E-er, I guess...random things? I really don't know, it's up to you!" I stammered, unable to think properly. "I just want to make sure you're okay."
Silence again. Just great! I was already drowning in the pit of low-self esteem when I heard Karma cough. I looked at him, blinking in surprise. He looked a bit red, and the sight of it made me sprang up to my feet. "What's wrong? Did you get a cold?!"
"No, I'm fine," He insisted, lightly pushing me back. "I can handle myself, Nagisa. Don't be a fusspot."
But I can't stop worrying about you. "Are you sure you're okay?"
The redhead grinned as he patted me by the head. "I'm not a weakling like you, y'know?"
I gave him a pout, unable to give him any more response.
He abruptly stood up. "Well, it's almost time for my rendezvous. I'll see you later."
"Rendezvous? Are you going to skip classes?"
"Yep, I can't wait to kill the octopus again."
As Karma disappeared through the hallway, I somewhat felt left out. I wouldn't blame him if he finds me kind of boring...
I looked outside again. It wasn't raining anymore and my feelings continue to linger.
There's no harm in telling, right?
All I could ever think of was, "What the heck was I writing?"
I apologize for the damage I've caused! >A
Oh, I recommend the theme of YOI: "Yuri on Ice" playing here. I was basically listening to it while doing this. XD
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Either I can use that weapon or not. I can choose to kill you with it.
But do I have to?
I just wanted to stay away from him.
But now that I think about it, a pang of regret hit me as soon as I left the room. My heart was racing as I hastily walked through the corridor. My palms were also getting sweaty, yet...I couldn't stop myself from smiling and feel giddy at the same time, replacing the fear and guilt that shrouded my very mind. Was it excitement? Anticipation? No. It wasn't any of those two.
Was it happiness? I pondered. I came to a halt as I recollect the earlier events that I was involved with. All of them was with Nagisa.
Ah, so all this time, he was my source of joy?
I shook my head at the thought. I do have feelings for him, but it just happened that it took a turn today. What was wrong with me?
His smile, his adorable face, his admiring personality...were those what I really wanted?
I knew what I did desire, but was it what I needed?
In irritation, I slammed one of my fists onto a nearby wall, before walking away once more, unsure with the emotions I feel. One thing is certain, though.
I couldn't stop thinking about Nagisa. And I was also aware of the consequences.
I didn't have the motivation to attend any classes after lunch had ended, so I decided I should take a stroll around the forest, in order to calm myself down. Just seeing and approaching the bluenette from before was too much for me to take.
The afternoon breeze was gently blowing down, making the trees' leaves swish about. The faint sounds were as soothing as I thought it would be. Yet, when I look at the surroundings, memories instantly flash in my mind.
Up to this hour, I couldn't get enough of you, huh? I thought to myself, chuckling bitterly as I progress through the rocky-like pathway. An hour later, I found myself in this humongous clearing. It didn't take for me to realize where I am.
This was where we fought, the same area where we set the score. This is where I saw the animal that you have been hiding all the time.
I wanted to kill that side of you and erase it from your very existence, but...
You managed to wrap me around your finger. In that instant that you held me down, I was helpless to the monster within you. I had to know what you really were, so I gave in.
Up till now, I'm stuck wondering if you'd ever let me see that side of yours again.
I settled down on a grassy patch as I closed my eyes, preparing to take a nap.
I wonder if I were to use it, would it make me happy to see you die by my own hands?
Would it hurt to be loved?
I looked around, scanning my surroundings to see if a certain redhead would just pop out of nowhere, but to no luck. Staring at his bag once more, I was torn between my decisions whether to bring it to him or not. Heck, even I have no idea where he went! He was very unpredictable when it comes to this.
Sighing in both disappointment and desperation, I hesitantly reached out to it, taking it with me. My mind wanders off, thinking about the places that he would most likely be in.
Then I figured; he skips classes, but he never did an act of truancy. The best hunch that I'd give was...the forest.
A wave of reluctance mixed with excitement rushed over me. I gripped his bag tightly in my arms, as it gives off a faint, familiar scent. My eyes gazed outside and I began to walk with my final decision.
I want to be with him.
It was in that very moment that I realized that this was how much I loved him. Even if it disgusts me on how strong my affection is for him, I'll consider my feelings for another day. He's more important.
And I just need to give him this bag of his.
My feet took me where I had to go. It was an instinct.
When in love, one would act like a predator. He wouldn't let go of his prey.
I continue to run, gasping for air. My heart raced as my eyes impatiently searched for you. I hoped you won't leave just yet.
Please be here.
He would continue to pursue his prey. He wouldn't settle for another.
Karma stood there, gazing at the sky once more as he was seemingly unaware of my presence. As the wind blew on my face for a moment, I felt like running at least one more time, just to approach him.
He will capture it, unwilling to let it go.
With that, I took off, tackling him when I was close enough. The both of us stumbled onto the ground due to the impact that I gave.
The mere sight of you made my heart flutter. "Here, your bag," Bashfully, I handed what was rightfully his. "It's already dismissal, so..."
He blinks in surprise, taking his bag soon afterwards. The redhead was unusually silent, unable to give a response. I wanted to ask what was wrong, but...
"Would you like to walk home with me?" The right words couldn't come out.
Karma looks at me, giving me a smile as he ruffled my hair. "As much as I like the offer, there's still so much that I have to do, princess."
My heart sank in disappointment. "O-Oh, alright. Then, maybe next time?"
"I can't promise that, but I'll try. See you."
Don't leave me again. Not after all the ruckus that I went through to get you.
I find myself wrapping my arms around his waist. It was enough to make him stop dead in his tracks, but he looked at me with such bewildered eyes.
"Let go, Nagisa." He said in a low, intimidating voice. I hugged him tighter as a reply. We stood there in a moment of silence. "Nagisa." Karma fumbled around to escape my grasp, but I still held him, ignoring the pain that he was inflicting on me.
"Stop it already, please..." The redhead whispered softly, his voice sounding desperate. "It hurts, you know?"
But I don't want to.
I shook my head from behind, my heart racing once more. I was already on the verge of giving up, not until I spouted words.
"I hated loving you."
I raised my voice as heat rose up to my cheeks in embarrassment. "I-I said, I hated loving you! I despised this despicable feeling that I have for you. Yet, I...I...
...want you for myself so badly..."
It's over now.
Karma and I didn't move a single inch, the both of us processing the words in our minds. I lowered my gaze, unable to talk as I released my hands off him. I had made a fool out of myself, didn't I?
"S-sorry, that must've been too sudden--"
Before I could do anything else, he pulled me closer to him, embracing me as his lips brushed against mine. I stared at him, wide-eyed. He pulled back shortly, averting his gaze.
"I feel the same way."
He hugged me once more, and I could hear how loud his heart was beating. Happiness and relief washed over me as I returned the embrace.
"I become so cowardly when I'm involved with you," Karma whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. "And here I was, considering the decision that I wouldn't let you know how I felt. I'm an idiot when it comes to loving someone, huh?"
I was flustered when he said that. "No, you aren't. You know much about it."
He sighed. "That's because I know that kind of thought would be your ideal."
"But you're my ideal."
Karma looked at me with disbelief. Heat slowly crept up in his cheeks as he averted his gaze and coughed. "Is that so?" I nodded bashfully.
It felt truly strange when I finally had who I longed for. The one that I had yearned to be with also suffered the same pain as I did.
We were both pierced with the knives and gave in to the wound that it made.
"It's weird," The redhead said, playing with my hair. "This is the second time, you know?"
"It's the second time that I gave in to you in the same place we fought. Maybe it's because I spoil you too much."
"That's proof that you love me." I smiled thoughtfully. Realizing that we already had spent so much time in this field, that the sun was already setting. After a moment of silence, Karma squeezed my hand.
"Shall I deal the finishing blow and escort you home, princess?"
I look at him before laughing.
"Please do so."
How was it? Did you enjoy how it went? Hopefully, it all went well!
Till next time~!