Work Header

No Whammies

Work Text:

"Ivy," Batman said, grabbing Robin by the collar to pull him out of the way of a lashing plant root. "Where's Nightwing."

"You'll find out soon enough," Poison Ivy sang, lounging on an approximately king-sized fly amanita. Her dress looked like a pitcher plant.

"If anything's happened to him—"

"You have to warn us if you whammied him!" Robin interrupted, cutting to the chase.

"If I—what?" Ivy's features all scrunched sideways, splaying out her fingers in confusion.

"Answer the question." A carefully-aimed batarang severed the connection between the main plant system and the closest roots.

"I don't understand the question," Ivy said.

"Did you whammy him or not?" Catwoman asked. Harley Quinn's hammer cracked concrete as Catwoman dodged sideways.

"What's whammied?" Ivy demanded, exasperated.

"You know," Robin said, using an encroaching root as a jumping-off point. "Whammied." He made a face and gestured with both hands.

"That doesn't mean anything!" Ivy said, irritated, sitting upright and giving up on lounging entirely. She looked to Harley for support.

Harley lifted the hammer up to rest it on her shoulder, taking a break from trying to hit Catwoman. She cupped her hands around her mouth. "They mean fuckmadness!"

"Hey!" Robin protested with faint offense.

Ivy threw up her hands and then let them fall. "Why didn't you just say so?"

"Why didn't I just say 'fuckmadness'." It both was and was not a question.

"Stop saying that!" Robin protested, navigating back toward Batman.

Harley swung her hammer at Catwoman with enough force for a quadruple pirouette. "Fuckmadness?" she asked, stumbling in a circle.

Robin, frustrated, grabbed Batman's hands and pressed them against his ears. "There is an impressionable child present!"

Ivy squinted. "Is he serious?"

"I don't know." Batman attempted to reclaim his hands, and lifted Robin off the ground. Robin continued to hold Batman's hands like earmuffs, and kicked furiously at vines with both legs. "I think it's some kind of ironic meme thing."

"Teenagers," Ivy said, disgusted.

"I think it's cute," Catwoman said. "Stupid. But cute."

"Nightwing," Batman prompted.

"I didn't 'whammy' him," Ivy said, exasperated, with dramatic finger quotes for emphasis. "That's gross," she added with a wrinkle of her nose. She gestured to Robin. "I knew him when he was little." Then she frowned. "Actually, I don't think he was ever that little."

"I'm working on it," Robin said, giving up on the pretense that he couldn't hear. He let Batman go and tried to hop closer to Ivy. Vines moved in the opposite direction like a wobbly conveyer belt.

"Why do the Robins keep gettin' smaller?" Harley asked. "Were ya just barebackin' with progressively smaller women?" Catwoman hissed and tried to swipe at her throat. "What? Why are you mad? You're way on the low end of the bell curve, he's got nowhere to go unless he meets a hobbit."

"Gross," Robin complained.

"I don't know why you're so relieved, anyway," Ivy said. "Just because he doesn't have fuckmadness doesn't mean he won't be a zombie."

"Impressionable child!"

Catwoman caught Harley's leg with her whip to pull her off-balance. Harley overcompensated with a series of backflips, before falling on her ass in exactly the way she'd been melodramatically trying to avoid. She might have done it deliberately. Physical comedy had always been her specialty.

"I think he's just relieved that he doesn't have to save the kid from his own dick," Catwoman said.

"That is awkward," Harley agreed. Her head had a dizzy wobble, until she shook the cobwebs from it.

Ivy and Robin both made faces of disgust.

Batman stood tall, arms crossed. "What gives you the impression that he can't escape."

Ivy tossed her curls over her shoulder. "Laverne and Shirley."

Harley, who'd been about to swing her hammer again, stopped in her tracks. "That was your plan?" she asked, horrified.

Ivy looked over her shoulder with a frown. "What's wrong with my plan?"

"They ain't gonna stop him!"

"They're man-eating hyenas."

"Yeah," Harley agreed, resting the head of her hammer on the ground, "but, like. Men-men."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Robin asked.

"They ain't gonna hurt the tweety-bird," Harley said with a shrug.

"What?" Ivy rose up onto her knees for a better view. "Why not?"

"He's good with animals," Harley said.

"Yeah," Catwoman agreed, putting her hands on her hips. "I tried to threaten him with a panther once. Guess how that ended."

"Ooh!" Robin raised his hand. "Was his costume strategically torn?"

Gently, Batman reached out to push Robin's hand back down. He gave a nearly imperceptible shake of his head. Robin looked only a little abashed.

"It doesn't matter," Ivy said with another toss of her hair. "He's not going to escape."

"He escaped nine minutes ago," Batman said.


Batman said nothing.

Ivy noticed too late that they hadn't been fighting her plants for quite some time.

She leaned over to look past the cap of the mushroom she'd been sitting on. Roots, vines, branches had all iced over. Not necessarily dead, but definitely incapacitated, unresponsive to her commands. They twitched and shook but otherwise did not move.


On cue, a panel opened up in the ceiling, and Nightwing emerged to hang upside-down from it. He dropped an empty container with a clatter to the floor, formerly full of liquid nitrogen.

Robin threw up both arms. "Called it!"

Nightwing's shirt was torn.

"I've never seen a full Kirk in person," Harley said, impressed.

"I wanted to make a better entrance," Nightwing said, "but I couldn't think of a line that didn't make me sound like Mr. Freeze in a good mood."

"We were worried you got whammied!" Robin called.

Nightwing looked betrayed. "Were you going to whammy me?" he asked Ivy.

"No," Ivy said, "and why do you call it that? What kind of a word is that?"

"What else are we supposed to say?" Nightwing asked. "It's a lot easier to say 'sorry, I got whammied' than 'sorry, there was a stiff breeze so I tried to yank my dick off'."

"I hope you're all ashamed of yourselves," Robin said, shaking his head.

"Not really," Harley said. Catwoman was tying rope around her arms more elaborately than necessary.

"How did she catch you?" Ivy demanded.

"I didn't," Catwoman said. Harley fluttered her eyelashes at Ivy, who huffed.

"I'm kinkshaming," Robin announced.

"Do you even know what you're saying?" Catwoman asked. "Or are you just some kind of wifi-enabled parrot?"

"I'm a Robin," Robin corrected with a disdainful sniffle.

"I'm a Norwegian Blue," Nightwing said cheerfully.

"Ivy," Batman said. He hadn't moved. "Are you going to come down, or are you going to make me get you."

"You act as if I can't still take you all down," Ivy said.

"Harley has two broken ribs, a torn rotator cuff, and a blown out knee."

"What!" Ivy turned to look at Harley, tied as she was.

Harley blinked. "I do?" She looked down at herself. Then she looked over her shoulder at Catwoman, behind her. "Ya weren't tryin' to hit me," Harley accused. Catwoman shrugged. She might have felt more guilty if the 300 pounds Harley'd hurt herself swinging hadn't been meant to hit her.

"The garden at Arkham hasn't been doing well. You can get it back in shape while Harley gets some rest."

Ivy glowered down at Batman. Batman remained impassive. Nightwing silently fell from his place in the ceiling to the floor. Robin kicked at a limp root.

"Fine," Ivy decided, petulant. "If you're going to catch me, then catch me."

Batman moved beneath the edge of the amanita. Ivy stepped off with as much grace as she could manage, and allowed him to catch her. There was an imperious tilt to her freckled nose as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her glance toward Catwoman was a little smug.

"I really feel fine," Harley assured them.

"You're not, though," Catwoman said, reaching up to pat her on top of her head. Harley leaned into the touch.

"It's cuzza my beta endorphins," Harley offered helpfully, as Catwoman guided her toward the door.

"Wait, what am I supposed to be doing?" Robin asked.

"See about cleaning this up," Batman said.

"Man." Robin looked up at the enormous mushroom Ivy had been sitting on. "How am I supposed to clean this up?"

Nightwing sidled up beside him. "Want to try jumping on it like a trampoline?"

Robin's eyes widened. His mouth opened, every appearance of being stunned. "That is the best idea anyone has ever had."

"No jumping on the giant toxic fungus," Batman called from outside.

"We're totally going to jump on the giant toxic fungus," Nightwing assured Robin under his breath.

"You'll die," Batman added.

"We'll be fine," Nightwing assured Robin.

Outside, Harley paused as Catwoman tucked her into the back of the Batmobile, and wondered if she ought to remind them about the hyenas. Then she shrugged, and rested her head on Ivy's shoulder while Ivy buckled her seatbelt.