Chapter 1: Domestic Turmoil
Written May 2004; crossover/humor; 100 words.
See also Oh My Goddess!.
This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.
As Miyuki parked their police car in front of a certain temple, Natsumi complained loudly. "Why'd we have to handle a domestic dispute in the Nekomi precinct?"
Miyuki sighed. "Please be careful, Natsumi. These are dangerous people."
Natsumi stomped up to the front door of the temple— but she was blasted clear back to the police car by a Skuld Bomb.
Miyuki foolishly ran to her side. "Natsumi!! Are you alright!?"
And then, both of them were struck by a stray Urd Lightning Bolt.
Natsumi whimpered. "Can I be transferred to a safer precinct— like a Central American civil war?"
Chapter 2: Doppelgangers
Written May 2004; humor; 100 words.
I think they used the "looks like Kenny" gag once too often.
The gang was waiting for Kenny at a train station, to spend a day off together at the beach.
A man pulled up on a familiar-looking motorcycle. "Oh, is that Kenny?" asked Natsumi.
The man waved, and then rode away. "No, that's Kenny's father," Miyuki said.
Another man pulled up on a motorcycle. "Is THAT Kenny?" asked Miyuki.
Natsumi sighed, and caught a baseball. "Nope. Strike Man."
And then, another man pulled up on a motorcycle. "That's GOTTA be Kenny!" said Natsumi.
Miyuki frowned. "Natsumi! That's obviously an alien pod-person disguised as Kenny in order to take over the world."
Chapter 3: Jump Startled
Written May 2004; humor; 100 words.
This takes place after episode 1.3 of the Mini-Specials.
This contains weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.
Miyuki walked up to Kenny in a station hallway. She was carrying a car battery and jumper cables. "Um, Kenny? Could I—"
Kenny ran away screaming.
Natsumi came up. "What's wrong, Miyuki?"
Miyuki held up her cables. "I was only going to ask Kenny for a jump-start. But he ran away screaming."
Natsumi grinned. "He must have heard what you did to that thief in our apartment."
Miyuki gasped. "Oh no! He must think I'm some kind of monster!"
"Don't worry," Natsumi said. "If you search on the Internet, I'm sure you can find a guy who's actually into that."
Chapter 4: Stuck On You
Written June 2004; humor; 200 words.
Here's the requisite "stuck" joke for this franchise.
This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.
Miyuki and Natsumi were demonstrating new police technologies to a group of officers in a station training room. Sadly, Kenny had been "volunteered" for the final demonstration.
Natsumi gleefully threw Kenny to the floor on his back, as if he were a criminal suspect, with her freakish strength. She grabbed a spray gun, and practically covered Kenny with thick white foam.
She turned to the others. "As you can see, this sticky-foam spray effectively restrains potentially violent perpetrators. Well, thanks for coming to the seminar."
As the others left, a giggling Miyuki and Natsumi leaned over Kenny. "C'mon, Tsujimoto," he said. "Get the solvent."
Natsumi smiled a deeply disturbing smile. "I've got a better idea." She grabbed Miyuki and glued her down on top of Kenny. Then she covered Miyuki with more foam.
Miyuki shrieked. "NATSUMI!? What are you DOING!?"
"Match-making," Natsumi said. "I'm gonna get you two together, if I have to literally glue you together to do it. I'll let you have some private time now." She turned out the lights and left the room, closing the door behind her.
Miyuki sighed. "Well, this is certainly awkward, isn't it?"
Kenny nodded. Unfortunately, Natsumi had foamed his mouth shut.
Chapter 5: Three Strikes
Written June 2004; humor; 100 words.
This contains YIKES. (Be glad it ends at 100 words.) Reader discretion is advised.
Natsumi stormed out of the police station. First, she thought, I was late for work, and then I had to stay late to work on overdue reports. I swear, if ONE more thing happens today—
Strike Man appeared. "Stop right there, Home Run Girl! Tonight we settle the score, once and... for... all?"
Natsumi turned on him, burning with righteous wrath.
Strike Man sweat-dropped.
An emergency-room doctor and nurse stood over a prone Strike Man as he lay face-down on a hospital gurney.
"Dear God," the doctor said. "This man seems to have a baseball bat stuffed half-way up his—"
Chapter 6: A Rest Arrest
The gang had gone to the beach together on a day off, but they had gone their separate ways after they had arrived.
Miyuki lay on a blanket under a beach umbrella, wearing a modest swimsuit, reading a good book, and enjoying the fresh ocean air.
Natsumi came up, handcuffed to a tall, dark, and handsome fellow, and apparently reading him his rights. "...the right to remain silent and refuse to answer any questions..."
Miyuki gasped. "NATSUMI!? You can't arrest someone like that in your swimsuit! And besides, we're off duty and on vacation! We don't even have our badges!"
Natsumi winked. "Relax, Miyuki. I know that. And he does too. We're just getting to know each other better."
The man grinned in mild embarrassment, and nodded. He was taking Natsumi's advice— he remained silent, for now.
Natsumi escorted her willing "prisoner" away, and continued her act. "Anything you say may be used against you..."
Miyuki gaped after her partner, in sheer disbelief.
But then, she smiled. Well, why not, she thought. It's improper, but it's a fun way to get to know someone...
Miyuki set her book aside, dug out her own handcuffs, and left to look for Kenny.
Chapter 7: I Can Hear You
The Chief found Natsumi, Yoriko and Aoi huddled outside a lounge, using highly-sensitive audio surveillance equipment.
Yoriko explained. "Miyuki and Kenny are in there, alone."
The Chief frowned. "There are rules against eavesdropping, not to mention using police equipment for—"
"Oh!" Natsumi said. "You won't give us away, will you?"
The Chief sighed, and walked away.
Miyuki and Kenny looked up as the Chief entered the lounge.
He held a finger against his lips, and held out a written note: "Eavesdroppers."
And then, the Chief produced a compressed-air horn, and aimed it at the wall.
Miyuki and Kenny grinned.
Chapter 8: End Of The Run
Miyuki and Natsumi sat in a '66 Thunderbird, with a cliff before them and a line of police cars behind them.
"Let's not get caught," Natsumi said.
Miyuki gasped. "What are you talking about?"
Natsumi looked forwards. "Let's keep going."
"You sure?" Miyuki asked.
"Yeah," Natsumi said. "Let's go."
The two old friends sadly smiled at each other for the last time. And then, their car raced over the cliff's edge.
Miyuki and Natsumi left the arcade. "That was a fun two-player video game," Miyuki said.
"Yeah," Natsumi said, "but it was weird to BE chased instead of TO chase."
Chapter 9: No Need For Speed
Miyuki and Natsumi were directing traffic near a school. They looked on in surprise as a sports car approached them at about three kilometers an hour.
Miyuki walked up to the car, and knocked on its window. "Um, sir? You don't have to drive THAT slowly."
The window was rolled down, to reveal a young man wearing an expensive suit and tie, and sunglasses. "I'm sorry, officer. But it's my duty to carefully and safely drive Sana to school—"
A very, very excitable girl in the passenger seat shouted over him. "Rei-kun is my boyfriend and my manager and my pimp! Isn't he just wonderful!? I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!"
Sana glomped Rei, causing him to lose control of the car. Miyuki and Natsumi sweat-dropped as they watched the car ride up on two wheels, flip end over end, and become partially airborne as it drove away.
Miyuki was bemused. "I've seen Sana-chan's television show. He's driving better than *I* could with her in the front seat."
Natsumi went a bit green in the face and held a hand over her mouth. "Yeah, but it makes me sick to my stomach, just to watch that car bounce around like that."
Chapter 10: Put A Lid On It
Written October 2004; humor; 100 words.
Natsumi stood in a police station lounge, holding a small jar in both hands, and straining against its closed lid with all of her freakish strength.
Miyuki walked up. "Stuck lid? Let me try, Natsumi."
"Well, OK." Natsumi handed her the jar. "But you won't—"
*POP*!! Miyuki opened the jar and handed it back to Natsumi.
Natsumi's jaw fell open with a cash-register sound effect.
A heavily-sweating Natsumi strained against an exercise machine. "The honor of Natsumi Tsujimoto must be avenged!!" she gasped.
Miyuki walked up again. "Natsumi, please don't be embarrassed! You must have loosened the lid for me!"
Chapter 11: Yet And Now
Miyuki and Natsumi were reviewing some reports with the Chief.
"Miyuki?" asked Natsumi. "What part of a woman is her 'yet'?"
"That's a strange euphemism," Miyuki said. "Was it used in an ambiguous statement?"
Natsumi read her report. "'A woman was shot, late last night. The bullet is in her yet.'"
Miyuki rolled her eyes. "Oh, please."
Natsumi turned to the Chief. "Sir? Do you know what a woman's 'yet' is?"
"I'm not sure," the Chief said, "but I think the 'yet' is the same part as the 'now'. It's like that old song— 'I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now'."
Chapter 12: The Felonious Feline
Miyuki and Natsumi were patrolling on foot. They suddenly heard a ruckus from a dark alley.
They fell back against a wall just outside the alley. "Careful!" Natsumi hissed. "You never know what kind of criminal sociopath might be lurking within!"
They charged into the alley— to find only a small gray cat.
Miyuki giggled. "So much for our sociopath." She kneeled, and reached out to pet the cat.
*CHOMP*!! The cat bit Miyuki's hand with long razor-sharp teeth.
Miyuki went half-blue in the face. "Natsumi?" she said through teeth clenched with pain.
Natsumi sweat-dropped. "Yes?"
"Please get the TASER."
Chapter 13: There's A Bathroom On The Right
Miyuki was driving an early morning patrol with Natsumi.
She glanced at her partner. "You've been drinking coffee all morning, Natsumi. Were you up late, last night?"
"Yep!" a caffeinated Natsumi said. "But I gotta be awake and alert! I can't let anything get past me when I'm on patrol!"
Miyuki sighed. "Relax, Natsumi. It's a quiet morning—"
Natsumi suddenly shrieked, and pointed. "THERE!! STOP THE CAR!!"
Miyuki slammed on the brakes. "WHAT!? What is it!?"
Natsumi jumped out of the car. "It's a convenience store with a public restroom! After drinking all that coffee, I can hardly contain myself!!"
Chapter 14: Reposted
Miyuki and Natsumi chased a purse-snatcher westward over a hill.
Natsumi narrowed her eyes. "I can't see, looking directly into the setting sun!"
"Don't worry," Miyuki said. "Neither can our fugitive."
The thief ran into a lamp-post full-on, and fell back stunned.
Natsumi walked up to the thief and handcuffed herself to him. "You won't get away from us again!"
But then, Natsumi and the thief tried to walk on both sides of the lamp-post. They walked into each other, and fell flat on their backs.
Miyuki sighed. "Natsumi? Let's take him to the next police box to the EAST."
Chapter 15: She Never Told Me She Was A Mime
Miyuki and Natsumi were reporting back to the station after their regular patrols.
"Any problems?" the Chief asked.
"No, sir," Miyuki said. "The only complaints we heard today were from the city park— because there's too many street performers."
The Chief frowned. "You mean—"
Miyuki couldn't resist. "Yes. There's a nimiety of mimes."
As the Chief groaned, Natsumi raised an eyebrow. "A 'nimiety'?"
"It means, an 'excess'," Miyuki said.
"Oh," Natsumi said. "Actually, that's kinda catchy." She began to sing to herself. "A nimiety of mimes, a nimiety of mimes..."
Miyuki sighed. "I wish that YOU were in the nimiety."
Chapter 16: The Door Closed Behind You
Natsumi was looking for her partner in the Bokuto police station. She found Miyuki still working in a small file room. "There you are, Miyuki. Ready to go home?"
The file-room door closed behind Natsumi. *CLICK*!!
Miyuki and Natsumi sweat-dropped.
Natsumi tried the locked door-handle, and then pushed her shoulder against the heavy door. "Sorry, Miyuki. We're locked in."
"The janitors will find us soon," Miyuki said. "But when you're a prisoner in a police station, there's only one thing to do."
The police-women began to sing in two-part harmony. "NOOOO-body KNOWS the TROUBLE I've SEEN... NOOOO-body KNOWS my SORROW..."
Chapter 17: Keep The Aspidistra Flying
Miyuki and Natsumi were patrolling on foot in an alley between tall apartment buildings with open windows.
Suddenly, a falling object clunked Natsumi on her head and knocked her to the ground.
Natsumi slowly sat up, rubbing her poor head. "What hit me?"
"It appears to be a variegated aspidistra," Miyuki said. "It must have fallen from an open window."
The woozy Natsumi felt dirt in her hair. The pot had shattered, leaving her 'wearing' the plant like a hat. "Uh, a little help here?"
"Of course!" Miyuki carefully scooped up the plant. "I'll re-pot the poor thing right away!"
Chapter 18: Thrift Ore
Miyuki and Natsumi had answered a call from a local store owner. Miyuki was interviewing the owner for her report.
"So," Miyuki said, "when you came to work, this morning, the 'S' and the 'T' were missing from your store sign?"
"Yes," the owner said. "They must have been stolen."
Natsumi cut in. "You can't say that they were stolen, you know. If the 'S' and the 'T' are missing, you can only say that they were 'olen'."
Miyuki sighed. "Very funny."
Natsumi smirked. "If you're done taking the 'atement', let's get back to the 'ation'."
Miyuki groaned. "Please 'op'."
Chapter 19: No Restroom For The Wicked
Miyuki found an angry woman in a public park. "What happened, Ma'am?" she asked.
"Some callow young man absconded with my purse!" the woman said. "But he can't have gotten very far!"
As if on cue, Natsumi walked up, holding a purse and dragging a young man along with her other arm. "Here's your purse, Ma'am," said Natsumi.
"How did you find him?" asked Miyuki. "I thought you were just using the park's public restrooms."
"I was," Natsumi said. "But this guy was looking for a hiding place, and he burst into my stall."
"Eww," said Miyuki.
"Eww," Natsumi agreed.
Chapter 20: Eating At Her
Miyuki walked up to the Chief's desk, holding an empty box. She was followed by an unusually quiet Natsumi.
"Someone ate all the manjou in the break-room fridge again," Miyuki said.
The Chief raised an eyebrow. "Should we question the staff?"
"No, no," Miyuki said. "Our 'thief' will give herself away."
Natsumi sweat-dropped and tugged at her collar.
Miyuki continued. "Her guilt will eat at her... torturing her without respite... until it unbalances her mind—"
Natsumi suddenly wailed. "WHAAA!! I ATE THEM!! WHAAA!!"
Miyuki smiled sadly. "Natsumi, it's a good thing that you're a police-woman. You'd make a terrible criminal."
Chapter 21: A Good Man Is Hard To Find
Miyuki and Natsumi chased a thief into an alley. He hid behind some garbage bins, and taunted the policewomen.
"Hey, little girl!" he shouted, apparently to Natsumi. "If you want to catch a man, you should grow out your hair and use some make-up!"
Natsumi snarled. "You little—"
Miyuki cut her off. "Don't let him flummox you, Natsumi. It doesn't make one iota of difference what he says—"
"And you!" the thief shouted to Miyuki. "If a looker like you doesn't have a man by now? There's something wrong with you!"
Miyuki gritted her teeth. "He's going DOWN."
Chapter 22: It's A Sin
Natsumi, Yoriko, and even Aoi were giggling over "girl talk" at lunch. Miyuki sat with them, but remained silent.
Yoriko suddenly turned to Miyuki. "Your turn!"
"Yeah," said Natsumi. "Even you must have a peccadillo in your past."
Miyuki blushed. "Well... I used to have a nice silk futon..."
Natsumi grinned. "Yeah?"
"And, one hot summer night, I was, um, sleeping in the nude..."
Yoriko gulped. "And?..."
"You know those mattress tags that you're not supposed to remove under penalty of law? It was poking me in the side... so I tore it off!"
Natsumi groaned. "Miyuki, you shameless hussy."
Chapter 23: Cold Shower Shoulder
Published 26-Sep-2005; humor; 200 words.
For the 31_days "loneliness and desire" prompt.
This contains gratuitous mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.
Miyuki was lounging in her apartment, reading a book. She looked up to see Natsumi leaving the bathroom, wearing only a towel.
"Did you take a shower?" Miyuki asked. "It's the middle of the afternoon. Have you been exercising?"
Natsumi sat down next to her. "No. It's kinda embarrassing..."
"Don't you feel well?" Miyuki asked, genuinely concerned for her room-mate and friend.
Natsumi hung her head. "No, I'm fine. It's just— I haven't had a boyfriend or even a date for months, and I guess the loneliness got to me. And all of a sudden, I needed a cold shower."
"Too Much Information," Miyuki said.
Natsumi giggled, despite herself. "How long has it been since YOU'VE had a date?"
Miyuki blushed. "What does THAT have to do with anything!?"
"Well," Natsumi said, "if neither of us have boyfriends?... There's always 'forbidden love'."
The two beautiful women stared at each other for a long silent awkward moment.
Miyuki suddenly held her face in her hands and whimpered. "Two things. Neither of us really wants to do that with the other. But now *I* need a cold shower too."
Natsumi smirked. "Wanna take a cold shower together?"
"NO!!" a flustered Miyuki yelled.
Chapter 24: You're Under GuitarRest
Natsumi gently led a pale and trembling Miyuki into the station. The Chief came to their side. "Is Kobayakawa injured?" he asked.
Natsumi explained. "We cornered some armed and dangerous suspects in an audio store. Have you heard about those high-tech noise weapons? Miyuki cobbled one together from the audio equipment and speakers on hand, and then, she armed it with a 'My Bloody Valentine' album..."
The Chief involuntarily winced. "Dear God."
"Yeah. Of course, our suspects capitulated immediately. But poor Miyuki was too close, and she took an indirect hit."
"The horror..." Miyuki whispered. "The gently-strummed highly-amplified distorted horror..."
Chapter 25: Cookie Rookie
Yoriko was studying law at Miyuki's apartment kitchen table with Miyuki. As the women studied, Natsumi tiptoed towards a cookie jar behind Miyuki.
Miyuki suddenly quizzed Yoriko. "Define an 'inchoate offense'."
"The specific intent to commit a crime that isn't perpetrated," Yoriko said. "For example... um..."
Natsumi reached for the cookie jar. "Attempt," Yoriko said.
Natsumi winked comically at Yoriko. "Conspiracy," she said.
Natsumi pointed at Yoriko, and then pointed at the jar. "And solicitation," Yoriko said.
"Natsumi!" said Miyuki. "I saw what you did there."
Natsumi giggled. "Still, Yoriko got the answer right. I think she deserves a cookie."
Chapter 26: Security Job Security
Natsumi found Miyuki moping at her police station work desk. "Whassup?" Natsumi asked.
Miyuki sighed, and looked away distantly. "Sometimes, this job gets to me. We have to deal with an endless parade of criminals, day in and day out. And it's not just the violent criminals. It's the embezzlers, the petty thieves, the peeping-Toms and perverts... practically every type of aberrant individual that a woman could imagine. It's almost enough to make you lose faith in humanity."
"You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to," Natsumi said cheerfully. "You say 'endless parade of abberrant individuals', but I say, 'police-woman job security'."
Chapter 27: In Her Space
It was up to Miyuki to do something, after all; that girl had had no idea what she was getting into, and no one else was willing to ride with Natsumi while she learned to drive a car.
Miyuki lectured Natsumi as she drove along a quiet city street. "Remember, you're a police-woman. You should set an example for other drivers."
Natsumi grinned maniacally.
"A GOOD example," Miyuki said.
"Oh," Natsumi said. "In that case, teach me a good example."
"OK," Miyuki said. "Try to parallel-park in that empty space."
Natsumi backed the car into the space, but turned the steering wheel too late. "If I was driving a motorcycle," she muttered, "I could pick it up and put it in the space."
"Want to try something easier?" Miyuki asked.
"No, no," Natsumi said, as she pulled out. "Let's try it again."
After seventeen failed attempts, Natsumi seethed with anger.
Miyuki sweat-dropped. "Um... Natsumi?..."
Natsumi jumped out of the car, picked up the front end of the small car with her freakish strength, swung it around, and dropped it into the parking space. "HOW'S THAT!?" she yelled.
Miyuki whimpered. Natsumi obviously wasn't driving with all four wheels on the road.
Chapter 28: Gone Phishing
"Congratulations on catching that cyber-criminal," Natsumi said.
"Thanks," said Miyuki, as she worked at her computer terminal. "Now, I just have to delete the information that he stole."
"Wait!" Natsumi peeked over Miyuki's shoulder. "Did he get to anyone we know?"
"Natsumi! 'Phishing' is an illegal subterfuge."
"Aw, what harm is there in peeking?"
"Fine." Miyuki resumed typing. "Let's see what you've bought online."
Natsumi sweat-dropped. "ME!?"
"It isn't as much fun NOW, is it?... There's your shopping history... YEEEK!!"
Miyuki slowly turned to her room-mate. "Natsumi? From now on, we're sleeping in separate rooms. And I'm locking the door."
Chapter 29: Motor Skills
Natsumi stuck her head out the door, and was rewarded for her optimism by a wrench to the face.
Being Natsumi, the blow didn't even faze her. She tossed the wrench into an open toolbox, and kneeled behind a motorcycle, next to a dirty, disheveled, and extremely frustrated Miyuki.
"Haven't found the problem yet?" Natsumi asked.
Miyuki held her face in her hands. "I've torn down and rebuilt this engine twice..."
Natsumi leaned over the motorcycle. "Uh... Miyuki?..."
"What," Miyuki said flatly.
"The gas tank is empty," Natsumi said nervously.
She fled the scene before Miyuki could draw a weapon.
Chapter 30: Nip It In The Bud
"It isn't as easy as it looks," Miyuki said to Saori. "Being a police-woman is a big responsibility."
"That's right!" Natsumi said. She held up one trembling fist in a dramatic gesture. "Not only must we risk our lives, every day, to serve and protect— but it falls to us to instill respect for law and order in today's reckless youth!"
Miyuki rolled her eyes. "You're not exactly one to lecture Saori on recklessness."
"It really must be hard to be a police-woman," Saori whispered to Miyuki. "I mean, with her as your partner."
Miyuki giggled. "You have no idea."
Chapter 31: Red's Embarrassment
Kenny couldn't help but notice that Miyuki's face and hands were a bright red color, even from across the station dispatch room. "What happened to Miyuki?" he asked Natsumi. "Is she sunburned?"
"No," Natsumi said. "You know how she likes to tinker with high-tech security systems? Well, she was trying to fine-tune one of those permanent-dye bombs that banks use to mark stolen money..."
Kenny grimaced. "Poor Miyuki."
"I'll let you in on a little secret," Natsumi whispered. "The dye soaked through her clothing to imbue her ENTIRE BODY."
Kenny blushed until his face was as red as Miyuki's face.
Chapter 32: It Bombed
Natsumi found Miyuki working over a collection of wires, circuit boards, and metal braces.
"Is that another one of your custom security systems?" Natsumi asked.
"Yes," Miyuki said proudly. Just then, her machine began to buzz loudly.
Natsumi sweat-dropped. "Is that thing safe?"
"Of course," Miyuki said. "It might bombinate, but—"
Seconds later, Miyuki and Natsumi lay flat on the floor, with their hands cuffed behind their backs and their necks under the boots of the Bokuto Precinct Bomb Squad.
"Miyuki?" said Natsumi. "Some words should never be spoken aloud in a police station, no matter what they really mean."
Chapter 33: Paper Snow
Yoriko was struggling with a huge recycling bin full of shredded paper in the station copy-room.
Natsumi walked up. "Can I help?"
"Please," Yoriko said. "Let's carry it to the freight elevator—"
"Why?" Natsumi asked. She effortlessly picked up the bin with her freakish strength— and emptied it through the nearest window.
Yoriko yelped. "The RECYCLING DUMPSTER is on the OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING!!"
The Chief stepped out of the station building— and into a blizzard of confetti and toner dust.
Either this is a surprise ticker-tape parade, the Chief thought, or else Natsumi's helping with the recycling again.
Chapter 34: Giving Her The Slip
While on foot patrol, Miyuki and Natsumi walked up to a street-corner fruit stand.
"'Morning, Miss Natsumi!" the fruit vendor said. "Care for an apple?"
Natsumi eyed a suspicious character at the next stand. "Mmm... mind if I have a banana instead?"
"Help yourself!" the vendor said.
Miyuki frowned. "Natsumi, you shouldn't accept gifts while on duty. We can't let ourselves be seen as venal and corruptible."
Natsumi's suspect snatched a piece of jewelry from the next stand, and ran past the policewomen. Natsumi tossed her banana peel under his feet, and he slipped and fell.
Miyuki sighed. "Never mind."
Chapter 35: ZOMG THERE LOEV IS SO PUER
Written July 2006; humor/parody; 200 words.
From a wild tangent on the Koichan Azumanga board.
This contains explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.
Miyuki reclined against Natsumi, resting her head on Natsumi's soft warm shoulder. She looked up at her beloved with shining eyes and a sweet smile, flushed with anticipation of what was to come. Suddenly feeling the heat, she loosened her tie and pulled her collar loose, baring her long elegant neck.
Natsumi looked down at Miyuki with eyes heavy with desire. Her hot breath fell on Miyuki's cheek. She scooped up some of Miyuki's long thick hair, casually toying with it until the ribbon in Miyuki's hair came undone.
"Yes," Miyuki whispered. "Oh, YES, Natsumi—"
Natsumi gently but firmly clenched Miyuki's hair and pulled Miyuki's head back. "Say PLEASE, Miyuki," she purred.
Miyuki's heart pounded. Natsumi could be so capricious, so cunning, so... cruel. And yet, Miyuki loved this part of the game. She wanted more. And Natsumi knew it.
Tonight would be a night like so many others, a night of magic in which they would lose themselves, equally helpless in the force of their attraction, losing all control in the throes of their youthful passion, with no shame, no reservations, no inhibitions, and no limits.
And then they done sex. The End.
Chapter 36: Spring Fling
"Working on another crime-fighting invention?" Natsumi asked Miyuki.
"Yes." Miyuki held up a pair of boots with metal coils attached to the soles. "These compression springs could propel us over walls and bushes while pursuing suspects on foot."
Natsumi giggled. "You can't be serious! That's like something out of a cartoon!"
Miyuki frowned at her roommate. "These springs could also be concealed in an office chair, or under a tatami floor," Miyuki said dangerously, "to fling 'someone' several meters into the air. And they can be triggered by remote control."
Natsumi suddenly realized that she would never be safe again.
Chapter 37: Low Rollers
Miyuki and Natsumi walked into a seedy Pachinko parlor, dressed in street clothing.
"Be careful," Miyuki whispered to Natsumi. "This place is dangerous."
"Why?" Natsumi asked. "Do you think this place has connections to organized crime? Or are you just worried about the thick second-hand cigarette smoke—?"
Before Natsumi could continue, she stepped on a single stray Pachinko ball. She slipped and fell flat on the tile floor. "OUCH!!"
Miyuki sighed. "I knew it was a 'gamble' to come here."
"Next time," Natsumi growled as she picked herself up, "let's check out an American casino, where the tokens are flat!!"
Chapter 38: Cardiac Arrest
Natsumi found Miyuki standing just outside the police station locker room, dressed in jogging clothes, and holding her own wrist.
"Checkin' your resting heart rate?" Natsumi asked.
"Yes," Miyuki said, "and it's quite low. Regular exercise pays off!"
Natsumi held Miyuki's wrist, and checked her own watch. "Wow! Congrats, Miyuki! That's great!"
Kenny walked up. "Hey, Kenny!" said Natsumi. "Check out Miyuki's pulse!"
"Uh, OK." Kenny gently held Miyuki's hand, and brushed his fingers against her wrist. A blush quickly came to Miyuki's face.
"Er, Miyuki?" said Kenny, just a bit nervously. "All of a sudden, your heart is racing."
Chapter 39: Cop A Tude
Kenny had gone to the station cafeteria for lunch. Miyuki roller-skated up to his table, still wearing her altered tight and skimpy uniform. "Whatcha havin', darlin'?" she asked Kenny, in a husky put-on voice.
"Uh, Miyuki?" said Kenny. "The other girls put you up to this, right?"
Miyuki hung her head and fidgeted. "Um... don't you like me like this?"
"Well, sure," Kenny said, "but I like you better when you're being yourself."
Miyuki smiled shyly.
"So..." Kenny said. "Er... would you go roller-skating in that outfit with me?"
Miyuki giggled. "Ask me again when my shift is over, darlin'."
Chapter 40: Confuse Defuse
Natsumi held a small pair of wire-cutters in one trembling hand. She wiped sweat from her brow with her free hand, and stared at a fiendish tangle of wires.
Is it the red wire or the blue wire?, she thought. I can never remember which wire to cut first... and time is running out.
Oh well, she thought, you only live once.
Natsumi impulsively cut the red wire. Her television set suddenly shorted out with a POP! and a small sad puff of smoke.
Aw, man, Natsumi thought. I hope Miyuki can fix this before I miss all my shows.
Chapter 41: She Stops Traffic
Miyuki and Natsumi walked up to the Chief's desk. "Sir?" Miyuki asked. "Does Natsumi have traffic duty tomorrow?"
"Yes," the Chief said. "I need you here, and no one else is available. Will that be a problem?"
"Natsumi was carrying her traffic whistle when she ate lunch," Miyuki said, "and she ate in a hurry, and..."
"*tweet*" said Natsumi.
The Chief face-palmed. "That'll cause a traffic jam, for sure... Miyuki, can't you do something about her?"
"With all due respect," Miyuki said, "would you put yourself between Natsumi and her food?"
"Good point," the Chief said.
"*tweet*" Natsumi said again.
Chapter 42: Road Side Tracked
Miyuki and Natsumi found a car parked in a secluded spot along a rural stretch of two-lane highway, late in the evening.
Miyuki pulled the police-car over and got out. "I'll ask the driver if he needs any help," she said.
"Be careful," Natsumi said.
A minute or two later, a very red-faced Miyuki returned. "Well?" Nastumi asked.
"It was a man and a woman," Miyuki said, "and they, um, didn't need any help. Um, I don't think they even noticed me."
"Yikes," said Natsumi. "What should we do?"
"We should get boyfriends," Miyuki said earnestly, "as quickly as possible."
Chapter 43: Insecurity System
Published 3-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days 2006 Theme Exchange #3 "I've had trouble sleeping with both eyes closed" prompt.
Natsumi lay in her futon and watched Miyuki work on a security camera mounted on the wall.
"Is that camera necessary?" Natsumi said. "I know you like to build security systems, but it's hard to sleep when—"
Miyuki interrupted her. "Do you usually lie there?"
"Yeah," Natsumi said. "Why?"
Instead of answering, Miyuki tested a laser sight on the camera. A red dot glowed on Natsumi's forehead.
"What the heck is that!?" Natsumi said.
"Oh, nothing," Miyuki said, as she left the room. "I'm staying up late, so, good night."
Afraid to move, Natsumi stared at the camera and whimpered.
Chapter 44: Time To Spare
Natsumi, on solo patrol on her Moto-Compo mini-moped, pulled up behind a car parked at the side of the road.
She walked up to the handsome young driver as he opened the car's trunk. "Need some help?" she asked.
"Thank you, Ma'am," the driver said politely, "but it's only a flat tire." He effortlessly held up his car's spare tire in his big strong arms.
Natsumi openly ogled him from behind. "I'll just, um, stand by, um, if you, um, need me," she stammered.
"Oh. Well, thank you, Ma'am," the driver said.
No no, thank YOU, a drooling Natsumi thought.
Chapter 45: Kenny Got Pinched
Miyuki was 'spotting' Kenny as he worked out on a weight machine in the police station gym.
Natsumi walked up. "Whippin' yer man into shape?" she asked Miyuki in a teasing voice.
"Actually," Miyuki said, "Kenny gained weight from my home-cooked meals. I thought I should help him lose the weight."
Natsumi reached down and pinched Kenny's stomach. "He feels alright to ME—"
*WHAM*!! Kenny suddenly convulsed and dropped the weights he was holding.
Miyuki sighed. "Natsumi, it's dangerous to distract someone lifting weights."
"Sorry," Natsumi said. "Still, now you know where Kenny's ticklish."
Miyuki and Kenny both blushed furiously.
Chapter 46: She Miss Red It
Natsumi walked out on her apartment balcony, and shrieked. "Natsumi!! There's a drop of blood on the balcony!... and there's another!... and another!..."
Miyuki walked up. "It's—"
Natsumi sat heavily in a red chair on the balcony. "But how could anyone have got up here? And why were they bleeding?..."
Miyuki sighed, and held up a paint brush.
Natsumi stood, and found her light summer clothing smeared in fresh red paint, along with her arms, legs and bare midriff.
"...got any paint remover?" Natsumi asked weakly.
"I'll help you clean up," Miyuki said, "but then, you're repainting that chair, 'Detective'."
Chapter 47: Glass Action
The Chief chatted with a new business owner as two workmen carried a huge pane of glass across the road.
"I was surprised when your glass supply business opened close to our police station," the Chief said.
"Why?" the owner asked. "What place could be safer from criminals than near a police station?"
Miyuki and Natsumi peeled out of the station garage in Miyuki's patrol car. Miyuki saw the workmen and slammed on the brakes. The car came to a stop less than a meter from the workmens' glass.
"It's not the criminals whom I'm worried about," the Chief noted.
Chapter 48: Bleeding Hearts
Published 21-Mar-2007; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "you just shed a little blood, and a lot of people shed a lot of tears" prompt.
Natsumi gently led Miyuki to her desk. Miyuki was holding a cloth to her forehead; part of the cloth was stained red.
"MIYUKI!!" Kenny ran to her side. "Did a violent criminal attack you!?"
"..." said Miyuki.
"Are you hurt badly!?" Yoriko asked. "Should we call an ambulance!?"
"..." Miyuki said again.
Aoi began to cry. "How could such a thing happen?..."
"So," Natsumi whispered, "when are you going to tell them that you just whacked your head on the open hood of the squad car while you were working on the engine?"
"When they LET me," Miyuki said irritably.
Chapter 49: Midnight Shifted
Miyuki walked into the apartment kitchen, early on a Saturday morning, and found Natsumi still in her uniform, slouched over a cup of tea.
"Rough night?" Miyuki asked.
"Not really," Natsumi said, "but I hate workin' the graveyard shift, and workin' on a Friday night. But, this was the last night of this shift, and all I want to do now is to get some sleep."
"How about some breakfast first?" Miyuki asked. "...Natsumi? Um, Natsumi?"
Natsumi had slumped over and fallen asleep where she sat.
Miyuki sighed, but smiled. Make that a blanket and a pillow instead, she thought.
Chapter 50: Doin' Time
Published 16-Apr-2007; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "time" prompt.
A criminal suspect spoke to Natsumi as he waited to be processed. "What's a pretty young girl like you doin' here?"
"Hush, you," Natsumi said.
"It's a shame for you to spend the best years of your life behind a desk."
"I SAID, be QUIET," an annoyed Natsumi said.
"Just think," the suspect said, "I'll be out on bail soon, but you'll be stuck in here until you retire."
"ARRGH!!" said Natsumi.
"Where's Tsujimoto?" The Chief asked Miyuki.
Miyuki fidgeted. "She sold all her belongings, moved out, and left for Hawaii to become a beach bum."
The Chief sighed. "AGAIN!?"
Chapter 51: The Heart Grows Solder
Miyuki and Natsumi were paying a visit to Kenny's apartment.
Natsumi let herself in first— and gagged. "What's that smell?" she asked. "I hope it isn't dinner."
"No, no," Kenny said. "I was repairing a radio, and I spilled some solder and burned some insulated wires..."
Miyuki walked in behind Natsumi— and smiled. "You've been working on electronics! Mmm, I love that smell."
"It STINKS," said Natsumi.
"Only if you're not used to it," Miyuki said. "But I build electronic equipment, and it makes me feel right at home."
Those two are meant for each other, Natsumi thought to herself.
Chapter 52: Beat Before The Beat
Miyuki and Natsumi found Kenny slumped at his police-station desk, first thing in the morning. "Rough night?" Natsumi asked in a gently teasing voice.
"Rough morning," Kenny said. "On my way to the station, I wrote up two moving violations, broke up a fight, and rescued a kitten from a tree. It's only eight o'clock, and I'm already exhausted."
Natsumi patted Kenny's head. "Poor Kenny," she said. "At least you've got the morning coffee break to look forward to."
Kenny sighed. "Well, that's something."
"We could have donuts," Miyuki suggested kindly.
"Mmm... donuts," Kenny and Natsumi said in perfect unison.
Chapter 53: Up Against The Wall
"As you all know," the Chief said to his staff, "we've had a problem with speeders on this particular street." He pointed to a city street map. "I'm looking for a creative solution to this problem. Any ideas?"
Natsumi raised her hand. "Put up a brick wall just before the intersection. That'll stop 'em."
The Chief sighed. "The route must remain open to traffic, Tsujimoto."
"I could design a movable wall," Miyuki said. "Say, a 150mm steel plate, mounted on heavy springs below ground level?"
"Does anyone have an idea," the Chief asked, "that DIDN'T come from a road-runner cartoon!?"
Chapter 54: Rumorang
"Want to hear some juicy gossip?" Aoi asked Yoriko during a break from work.
Yoriko's face lit up. "I always want to hear juicy gossip," she said eagerly.
Aoi whispered in Yoriko's ear. But then, Yoriko's face suddenly fell.
"What's wrong?" Aoi asked. "Did you already hear that rumor?"
"Actually," Yoriko said sadly, "I started that rumor myself, earlier today."
"Goodness," Aoi said. "Well, I suppose we've learned an important lesson from this."
"Yes!" Yoriko exclaimed. "In order to meet this office's thirst for gossip, I must start even more rumors!!"
Aoi sweat-dropped. "Don't look at me and say that."
Chapter 55: Street Party Of One
Miyuki stepped out of her apartment building, wearing a lovely kimono. "Are you coming?" she called back.
Natsumi followed her out of the building— wearing heavy crowd-control gear. Miyuki blinked. "Um, why?..."
Natsumi brandished a baton. "We're going to a sakura festival, Miyuki! There'll be anarchy in the streets!!"
Miyuki sighed. "This is a quiet neighborhood, Natsumi. There's isn't even anybody else around—"
"AHA!!" Natsumi pointed at a tiny girl, walking along an otherwise empty sidewalk.
The girl noticed Natsumi scowling at her. She paused, pulled at an eyelid, and stuck out her tongue.
Miyuki face-palmed. "Call the riot squad."
Chapter 56: Going Great Guns
Natsumi found herself trapped in a tight spot during another lengthy paint-ball tournament. Miyuki was safely hidden ahead of her.
"Hang on!" Miyuki called back. "I'll try to cover you—"
"YEARRGH!!" Natsumi shrieked like a mad-woman and bolted from cover, spraying pellets non-stop in all directions at once. She did a triple-somersault, and improbably landed on her feet next to Miyuki without a mark.
"That was fun!" Natsumi panted as she got her breath back.
"I am so grateful that you don't carry a weapon on the job," Miyuki said.
"Why do you say that so often?" Natsumi asked innocently.
Chapter 57: Wired For Speed
Miyuki had undertaken high-speed pursuit of a criminal, with Natsumi riding shotgun.
"Your driving is perfect," Natsumi said. "It's like you're one with this car."
"Actually," Miyuki said, "I am, now." She held up her hair to reveal a thick cable that was directly implanted at the base of her skull.
"OH MY GOD!!" Natsumi shrieked.
"We must also assimilate you," a dead-eyed Miyuki said. Dozens of robotic tendrils suddenly wrapped themselves around Natsumi.
Natsumi screamed in sheer terror.
Natsumi woke up with a gasp. OK, she thought, it's time to discuss the ethics of advanced automotive engineering with Miyuki.
Chapter 58: Side-walked
Yoriko found Miyuki and Natsumi on a day off. Natsumi was wearing a blindfold, but walking unaided by herself.
"What happened?" Yoriko asked Miyuki, as Natsumi slowly walked ahead. "Did a doctor dilate Natsumi's eyes?"
"She was complaining about how she had walked the same beat for so long that she could walk it blindfolded," Miyuki said. "So I called her bluff."
"Oh!!" Yoriko said. "Natsumi, look out!! There's—"
"SSSHH!!" said Natsumi. "Don't spoil it!!"
"Shouldn't we stop her?" Yoriko asked. "She's about to walk into wet cement."
Miyuki shrugged. "She's wearing shorts and sandals. She'll find out soon enough."
Chapter 59: I Can't Work Under These Conditions
The Chief called Miyuki via police radio during a bad storm. "Kobayakawa? I need you and Tsujimoto to direct traffic downtown—"
"We're trying to get there now," Miyuki said over the radio, "but we're already stuck in a traffic jam."
The Chief sighed. "Well, let me see what the 'traffic copter' has to say."
"Don't bother, sir," said Miyuki. "It's grounded, due to bad weather."
"Alright," the Chief said irritably. "Just be sure to stay in touch—"
The police station suddenly lost power and went dark.
I hate it when the Universe conspires against me, the Chief thought to himself.
Chapter 60: Lovin' And Stuffin'
Miyuki was cooking up a storm. Natsumi tried to help herself to a sample, but only got a wooden spoon across her fingers.
"Natsumi, please!" Miyuki said. "I told you, this food is for my picnic lunch with Kenny."
Natsumi shook her fingers. "Oh? Are you also going to feed him for the next two weeks?"
"Do you think I made too much?" Miyuki asked naively. "I mean, um, 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach'."
"If you stuff Kenny with all this food," Natsumi said, "You're gonna have an awful lot of stomach to get through."
Chapter 61: Losing Streak
"Let me get this straight," Natsumi said to Kenny, who was cowering behind Natsumi's open apartment door. "You stepped out to get your mail in your bathrobe, and the door locked behind you, and it caught a corner of your bathrobe? And you somehow made it all the way here buck naked?"
"That's right," Kenny said nervously. "Any chance you could help me out without letting Miyuki know?"
Natsumi grinned. "Are you kidding!? Of course not!! What say I 'arrest' you for indecent exposure, and leave you naked and handcuffed for Miyuki?"
"Sounds like a plan," a resigned Kenny said.
Chapter 62: Attack Her Attacker
Natsumi was teaching a womens' self-defense class. Natsumi's usual punching bag (Kenny) was unavailable, and Miyuki had agreed to "play" a rather unconvincing mugger.
"...and you don't need extensive training in martial arts to defend yourself," Natsumi said to her students. "You only need a cool head and a keen eye. Miyuki? Try to attack me."
Miyuki charged at Natsumi. With her freakish strength, Natsumi grabbed Miyuki, effortlessly body-slammed her face-up on an exercise mat, and pushed one knee under her chin to hold her down. "*urk*" said Miyuki.
Natsumi quickly helped Miyuki stand up. "You OK?" she whispered. Miyuki nodded breathlessly.
"In that case— Class? Here's another move." Natsumi grabbed Miyuki's arm and twisted it back. Miyuki cried out dramatically and went down on her knees.
"Are you sure you're alright!?" Natsumi whispered again.
"Natsumi?" said Miyuki. "Do the body slam again. Please."
Natsumi gaped at Miyuki. "Wha!?..." she hissed. "Miyuki!? Are you enjoying this!?"
"Yes," an embarrassed Miyuki said. "I'm sorry, Natsumi. Is this going to weird you out?"
Natsumi grinned maniacally, cracked her knuckles, and answered with just the right amount of sadistic glee. "Nah! In fact, I'm gonna clean yer clock!!"
"Thank you," Miyuki said submissively.
Chapter 63: Crime Time
Published 7-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "motionless at 9:10, freezing time when it happened" prompt.
Miyuki and Natsumi were investigating a home robbery.
"I feel so stupid," the housewife said to Miyuki. "I only stepped out for a moment, at about 9:10, and I left the door open, and my purse was stolen."
"It could happen to anyone," Miyuki said reassuringly. "Has anything at this crime scene been changed?"
"Um, no, not really," the housewife said nervously.
"Oh, your clock has changed." Miyuki set the clock back to 9:10, and then removed its batteries to stop it.
"Your partner seems to be rather obsessive-compulsive," the housewife said to Natsumi.
Natsumi sighed. "You have no idea."
Chapter 64: I'll Get The Door
Published 18-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "something familiar about the way they fit together" prompt.
Miyuki walked out of a junkyard and back to her car, followed by a junkman carrying a passenger car door.
"I still can't believe somebody stole the door from my police car," Miyuki said. "I'm so glad you had that door in stock."
"Actually, this door just came in yesterday," the junkman said, as Miyuki helped him set it in place. "Good timing, huh?"
"And it fits perfectly!" Miyuki said. "Why, it even has a dent in the same place as... my door..."
Miyuki turned to the junkman, narrowed her eyes, and growled at him.
"Uh oh," said the junkman.
Chapter 65: Diet Or Don't And Die
Miyuki caught Natsumi munching on a double cheeseburger. "Natsumi!" said Miyuki. "I thought you agreed with me to try to improve your diet!"
"I did try," said Natsumi around a mouthful of burger. "But Natsumi must have meat!!"
Miyuki huffed. "Well, fine. I hope you enjoy your hardening of the arteries, leading to a massive heart attack and an early death."
"Thanks," Natsumi said. "And I hope you enjoy your long life of difficult self-denial, constant hunger pangs and chronic anemia."
Miyuki sighed. "It kinda sucks either way, doesn't it?"
"Yep," Natsumi said cheerfully. "And then we both die anyway."
Chapter 66: Shoplift Short Shrift
Published 20-Mar-2008; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "felony is a gift to men who have everything to lose" prompt.
A shop owner had pulled Miyuki off her beat for some advice. "I'm having a terrible time with shoplifters," the owner said. "Do you have any ideas?"
"Shoplifting is a serious crime," Miyuki said. "Sometimes it's enough to post a sign warning shoplifters that they'll be prosecuted."
"I had a sign like that," the owner said, "but someone stole it when I wasn't looking."
Miyuki blinked. "Oh. Well, how about a surveillance video-camera system?"
"I can't afford that," the owner said sadly, "because I've lost so much to shoplifters."
I'm glad I'm not a small business-woman, Miyuki thought to herself.
Chapter 67: ACME Attack Me
"You know," Kenny said to the Chief, "it's strange how Kobayakawa and Tsujimoto are both well-trained and highly skilled police officers, and yet, every time they run into 'Strikeman', he gets away from them, again and again and again."
"It's rather amusing, in a way," the Chief said. "It reminds me of the old road-runner cartoons."
"Actually," Kenny said, "that was the point I was about to make." He pointed to Miyuki and Natsumi, who had just taken delivery of several large boxes labeled ACME CORPORATION.
"This is going to end very badly," the Chief said.
"And painfully," Kenny added.
Chapter 68: Sadako KO
Miyuki woke up in her futon— and found a small yet terrifying apparition standing over her. It wore a loose white gown, its long tangled hair hung over its pale face, and its one visible eye was glazed over and unfocused.
It suddenly reached for her. Miyuki screamed and passed out.
Natsumi ran up, and found Yoriko standing over a now comatose Miyuki. "Uh, Yoriko?" said Natsumi. "The next time you sleep over, you should be careful when you wake up Miyuki."
"GAFLBLABLFABLGHAGLBLGHALBL," said a still sleepy Yoriko.
Natsumi sweat-dropped. "You know, you really are a fright in the morning."
Chapter 69: Have A Nice Day
Miyuki and Natsumi were patrolling in uniform. Miyuki was her usual upbeat self, but Natsumi was hung-over and in a foul mood.
"You should try to be more cheerful," Miyuki said to her partner. "We're public servants, after all."
"Yeah, whatever," Natsumi grumbled. She turned, and saw a small child looking at her. "HAVE A NICE DAY," she said menacingly, her teeth clenched in a painfully fake smile.
The child ran away screaming.
Miyuki face-palmed. "Natsumi..."
Natsumi turned her terrifying smile on Miyuki. "What's WRONG!?" she growled.
"I'll tuh-tell you," Miyuki whimpered, "as suh-soon as I suh-stop tuh-trembling in fuh-fear."
Chapter 70: Swing And A Nemesis
Natsumi leaned back from her desk and sighed in frustration. "ARRGH!! We have pictures, video, and even partial fingerprints of this 'Strike Man'!! When will we ever find him!?"
"It's like he's your nemesis," Miyuki said from her desk.
Natsumi blinked. "My what-a-sis?"
"You know," Miyuki said, "like Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty. Every crime-fighter needs a nemesis."
"No they don't," Natsumi said.
Miyuki sighed dreamily. "I can just imagine 'Home Run Girl' finally tracking down Strike Man to Reichenbach Falls, only to fall to her apparent death during their final conflict..."
"I'm liking this less and less," Natsumi said.
Chapter 71: Open Sez Me
Miyuki and Natsumi walked up to their police car. "...and I've equipped the doors with voice-activated door-locks," Miyuki said. "You just say your name." She cleared her throat, and spoke loudly. "Miyuki Kobayakawa!"
Nothing happened. Miyuki frowned, and tried again, to no avail. "Miyuki Kobayakawa!!"
"That's odd," Miyuki said. "I programmed my voice myself, earlier this morning. Maybe the battery is dead."
"Let me try," Natsumi said. "OPEN THE ****ING DOOR, YOU ****ING PIECE OF ****!!"
The door fell open, along with Miyuki's mouth. "How!?..." Miyuki stammered.
"You just gotta know how to talk to these things," Natsumi said smugly.
Chapter 72: Whistling In The Dark
Published 17-Dec-2008; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "but if I try to find you there are only the shadows" prompt.
See also Whistling In The Dark" by They Might Be Giants.
Miyuki and Natsumi were in pursuit of a suspect on foot. They chased him up to the open doorway of a derelict warehouse.
Miyuki pulled Natsumi to a stop. "What's wrong?" Natsumi said.
"It's really dark in there!" Miyuki whimpered.
"Oh, fer... get in there, wouldja? He's gettin' away!" Natsumi gently pushed Miyuki stumbling into the warehouse.
A terrified Miyuki immediately shrieked. "IT'S REALLY DARK IN HERE!!"
Natsumi hung her head, sighed, and followed Natsumi into the warehouse.
"...wow," she said, a moment later. "It IS really dark in here."
"Let's start carrying flashlights," Miyuki suggested.
"Good idea," Natsumi agreed.
Chapter 73: In His Cups
Published 19-Feb-2009; humor; 200 words.
For the 31_days_exchnge "please don't use other people's cups" prompt.
This contains mild gross-out humor. Reader discretion is advised.
Natsumi walked into the police station lounge, and found Miyuki helping herself to a cup of freshly brewed coffee.
"Mmm, coffee," Natsumi said in a Homer Simpson voice. "Gimme some of that action." She grabbed the nearest empty cup and held it out.
Miyuki poured some coffee for her partner, but frowned as she did so. "You shouldn't use that cup, Natsumi. That's Kenny's cup."
"Whatsa matter?" a smirking Natsumi said as she raised the cup to her mouth. "You're not the type to get jealous over an 'indirect kiss' from a coffee cup."
"It isn't that," Miyuki said earnestly. "I just took that cup away from Kenny and brought it in here to wash it. He hasn't washed it for months."
Natsumi froze during a sip. She slowly rolled her eyes down to the cup, and then very slowly lowered the cup.
"Um... are you OK?" Miyuki asked nervously.
"No," said Natsumi. "I'm planning to contract some unknown virulent disease from this cup, and then to mutate into a hideous violent monstrosity."
"Understood," Miyuki said solemnly. "I'll have the city evacuated, and then I'll call in the military to destroy you with tactical nukes."
"I appreciate that," Natsumi said.
Chapter 74: A Pair Of Pants
"Doing laundry for Kenny?" Natsumi asked Miyuki, who was neatly folding men's clothing.
"His washing machine is worn out," Miyuki said. "And no wonder! His clothes are so big."
"He's a big guy." Natsumi held up Kenny's jeans. "I think both of us could fit in these."
Miyuki giggled. "Want to try it? They ARE clean."
Natsumi grinned. "Yeah, alright. I'm in. Literally."
Kenny answered a knock at his door, and found a two-headed woman both carrying and wearing his laundry.
"Good morning!" the heads said in perfect unison.
I have GOT to lay off the cheap sake, Kenny thought.
Chapter 75: Uniformly Off
"Since you promised that you'd never be late for work again," the Chief said to Natsumi, "I must congratulate you on your punctuality this morning."
"Thank you, sir!" Natsumi said.
"But... Tsujimoto?" the Chief asked patiently. "Why did you report to work wearing only the tank-top and short-shorts that you obviously sleep in?"
"I didn't have time to get dressed," Natsumi explained.
"Aren't you concerned about civilians seeing you half-naked?" the Chief said.
"No worries!" Natsumi struck a body-builder's pose. "'I'm in peak condition!'
The Chief face-palmed. "Why don't you just get up earlier?"
"That's just crazy talk," Natsumi said.
Chapter 76: She Can Do No Wrong
Published 9-Oct-2018; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "No one is good or bad, but if you want, I'm the bad one" prompt.
"Ready for another day fighting the forces of evil?" Natsumi asked Miyuki.
"We're on traffic duty," Miyuki said. "I doubt we'll encounter any super-villains."
Natsumi sighed sadly. "Well, that just SUCKS all the FUN out of it," she whined.
"Oh dear," said Miyuki. "I suppose we could pretend I'M a criminal mastermind."
Natsumi blinked in surprise, and then laughed loudly. "BWAH HA HA HA!! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"
Miyuki stuck out her bottom lip and pouted. "Aw, c'mon! I can be evil if I want!"
"HA HA!! You ARE—!! HA HA!! Killin' *ME*!! HA HA!!" Natsumi gasped.
Chapter 77: All She Can Eat
Natsumi had ordered a bacon-wrapped hot-dog from a street vendor. She stood next to the vendor's cart as she devoured her snack.
"I'm sorry, but will you be much longer?" the vendor asked. "I hate to be rude, but you're bad for business."
"Am I really that intimidating?" a surprised Natsumi said. "I'm only a traffic officer."
"It's not that," the vendor explained. "Everyone knows about your voracious appetite. If my customers see you here, they'll think I'm sold out."
"Honestly!" Natsumi sighed. "You put ONE all-you-can-eat sushi bar out of business, and you never hear the end of it!"
Chapter 78: Down To Zero
Kenny and the Chief had mounted a "DAYS WITHOUT ACCIDENT" sign with a changeable leading number in a police station hallway.
The Chief hung a "0" number-tag on the sign. "And so the count of accident-free days starts from today," he declared.
"What should I do with the other number-tags?" Kenny asked. "Hopefully we'll remain accident-free and start using them tomorrow."
As if on cue, Miyuki and Natsumi walked past them.
Kenny and the Chief watched them walk away, and then they looked at each other.
And then, Kenny sadly threw all of the non-zero number-tags into the nearest trashcan.
Chapter 79: Throwing Shades
Miyuki and Natsumi sat at their desks after returning from morning traffic patrol. Both women were holding their heads and grimacing.
Kenny walked up. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Part of our route ran due east," Natsumi said. "We were staring at the sun the whole time."
Kenny whipped out two extra pairs of mirrored sunglasses and offered them to the women. "Gotcha covered," he said gallantly.
"Thanks, Kenny," said Miyuki. "I appreciate the thought."
A suddenly-bashful Kenny backed away, stumbled over a trashcan, and fell over backwards.
"So much for looking cool," Natsumi said.
"Or looking at all," Miyuki added.
Chapter 80: There's A New Sheriff In Town
Miyuki and Natsumi walked past a busy public park, and noticed one small girl standing off by herself under a dome-climber.
They crouched in front of her. "Why are you standing here by yourself?" Miyuki asked. "Were the other children teasing you?"
"No, but I can't leave," the girl declared solemnly. "I'm in jail."
"I arrested her, Ma'am," another child said.
Miyuki and Natsumi turned to find a small boy wearing a cowboy hat, an open vest with a gold-star badge, and cowboy boots.
"Why did you arrest her?" Miyuki asked, playing along.
"She stole my heart," the boy said.
"This kid is SMOOTH," Natsumi said to Miyuki. "I haven't heard a line that good in months."
"Can't you release her, please?" Miyuki asked the boy.
"I'm the law in this town," the boy declared. "If you want me to release her, you'll have to duel me."
"You're on, kid," Natsumi said as she made finger-guns. "DRAW!!"
The boy did so— he whipped out a pencil and paper and drew a picture of a cow.
Natsumi sighed and crawled under the dome-climber with the girl. "What's wrong?" Miyuki asked.
"I fought the law," Natsumi said sadly, "and the law won."
Chapter 81: Rain Drop
Published 23-Apr-2019; humor; 100 words.
For the 31_days "all the weight in the world feels like a light rain" prompt.
Miyuki was working on a project in her bedroom when she heard Natsumi open the front door. "How was your jog?" she shouted.
Instead of answering, Natsumi sloshed up to her bedroom doorway. She was completely soaked to the bone.
"Is it raining?" Miyuki said.
Natsumi gave her an "oh, come ON" look.
Miyuki giggled. "Sorry. I was working on something and I didn't even notice. Do you need a towel?"
Instead of answering (again), Natsumi pulled off her top, held it over Miyuki's head, wrung it out, and drenched her too.
"I'll stop asking stupid questions now," Miyuki said.
Chapter 82: Merely A Man
Miyuki and Natsumi separately led two disheveled men back to their patrol car.
"Disturbing the peace," Miyuki said. "Yours?"
"Same," Natsumi said.
"You can't do this to me!" Miyuki's arrestee cried. "I'm Jesus, Buddha, and the Wizard Of Oz!"
"Don't listen to that impostor!" Natsumi's arrestee replied. "I'M Jesus, Buddha, and the Wizard Of Oz!"
"You know what they say," Miyuki said to Natsumi. "If two men say they're Jesus, ONE of them must be wrong."
"I'll bet you ¥500 'MY 'guy is the 'real' one," Natsumi said.
"Let's not," Miyuki said nervously. "People start wars over things like this."
Chapter 83: Handcuff Challenged
"Have you ever thought about doing a 24-hour handcuff challenge?" Yoriko asked Miyuki and Natsumi. "You'd make a good pair— for several reasons."
"I'm up for it if you are," Natsumi said to Miyuki.
"I don't know about that," a modest Miyuki said.
"No pressure," Natsumi said. "We could play in 'easy mode' and take separate bathroom breaks."
"Well, it's not just that—" Miyuki started to say.
"Oh, *I* see," Yoriko said smugly. "Miyuki would rather be cuffed to Kenny, wouldn't she?"
"I'll be in your care," an even more embarrassed Miyuki said to Natsumi, just to change the subject.
Chapter 84: Anything You Say Can And Will Be Used Against You
Miyuki and Natsumi had cornered a thief. "DON'T MOVE!!" Natsumi shouted. "PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!!"
"Should I remain still, or should I move my hands?" the thief replied. "I can't do both."
"JUST DO WHAT WE SAY!!" Natsumi yelled.
"Do you mean starting now," the thief said smugly, "or—"
With her freakish strength, Natsumi grabbed the thief, bodily carried him to the patrol car, and tossed him into the back seat.
"Natsumi, you can't just throw suspects around like that!" Miyuki said nervously.
Natsumi impatiently grabbed Miyuki and tossed her into the patrol car after him.
Chapter 85: Headless Body In Topless Bar
Miyuki was processing a male suspect when Natsumi walked up. "What's the charge?" Natsumi asked.
"Sexual assault," Miyuki said. "He tore a woman's blouse off in a bar."
"But I couldn't see where I was going," the man protested, "after my head fell off."
Natsumi raised an eyebrow, and Miyuki silently grimaced and shook her own head.
"CAREFUL!! Your head will fall off too!" The apparently crazed man lunged forward to catch Miyuki's head— but snagged her blouse instead.
"... I should've seen that coming," a partially-exposed Miyuki said sadly.
"Maybe your head really did fall off," Natsumi said.
Chapter 86: Five O'Clock Belles
Miyuki and Natsumi were chatting shortly before 5PM in a station hallway.
"I've always wondered why criminals are so desperate to avoid or escape prison," Natsumi said. "I mean, a lot of criminals are just lazy, and one can get a warm bed and three squares in jail."
"Most people have an urge to seek freedom," Miyuki declared.
As if on cue, the clock on the wall changed from 4:59PM to 5:00PM. A crowd of staff stormed past them, and then the lights were turned out and the doors were loudly locked.
"I see what you mean," Natsumi said nervously.
Chapter 87: Engine Near Engineer
Published 18-Nov-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
For the 31_days "One is friendly, curious: the other, well, she's not interested" prompt.
Natsumi walked into Miyuki's room. "Ready for a night on the town?" she asked eagerly.
Miyuki was kneeling over a half-rebuilt engine, with parts, schematics, and tools scattered all around her. "Mmm?" she asked without looking up.
"That would be a 'no'," Natsumi noted. "Miyuki, I like to tinker with engines too, but this is ridiculous. Are you going to spend another Friday night alone in your room?"
As if on cue, they heard a knock, and then Kenny let himself in— with an armful of parts-boxes and engineering manuals.
"That would also be a 'no'," Natsumi said to herself.
Chapter 88: No Rest In Peace
Miyuki walked up to Natsumi's futon on a weekday morning. "Natsumi!" she said. "If you don't get up NOW, you'll be late for work again!"
Natsumi didn't respond. Miyuki picked up Natsumi's arm and then released it, and it comically fell to the floor with a thud.
And then, Miyuki dialed a contact on her mobile. "Hello? City morgue? I need to report a dead body in my apartment. It's my roommate... No, I won't need a pick-up. I'd like to keep it, if you don't mind... Actually, I'm planning to EXPERIMENT on it—"
"I'M AWAKE!!" a terrified Natsumi cried.
Chapter 89: Improper Impostor
Miyuki and Natsumi were chatting while directing pedestrian traffic at a busy intersection.
"Do you ever get the feeling that you're not qualified to do your job?" Natsumi asked. "I mean, we're making life-or-death decisions here."
"It's not unusual to feel that way from time to time. It's called 'impostor syndrome'," Miyuki said. "Just remember that we've completed our training—"
"I'm so sorry!" Natsumi said to a passerby. "I have no right to tell you when to cross the street since I was late to work this morning myself!"
"Natsumi, you're not instilling confidence in local law enforcement," Miyuki noted.
Chapter 90: Scar Of The Show
As Miyuki and Natsumi changed clothes, Natsumi noticed a scar on Miyuki's waist. "How long have you had that?" Natsumi asked.
"A long time," Miyuki said. "I got it while I was working on an engine. I'm lucky that it wasn't worse."
"Be careful," Natsumi said. "Kenny won't like scars."
"That's none of YOUR business," Miyuki huffed. "Anyway, Kenny noticed it before YOU did."
"Wait a moment," Natsumi said. "How did Kenny see a scar THERE?"
Miyuki blushed. "Why does THAT matter? I didn't take off ALL of my clothes... oops."
"Now I REALLY want to know!" Natsumi said eagerly.
Chapter 91: Move Fast And Break Things
Published 21-Apr-2020; humor; 100 words.
Natsumi followed Miyuki into a china shop. "Please don't follow me in here," Miyuki said.
"I'm not gonna break anything," Natsumi protested. "I'm not THAT clumsy."
"No," Miyuki said, "but you're really impatient— and you're really, REALLY strong."
"On second thought, it might be fun to see how fast I could DESTROY this place," Natsumi said evilly.
"PLEASE leave," Miyuki said.
"You're no fun." Natsumi turned to open the door— and pulled its handle off.
"OH MY GOODNESS GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!" a panicking Miyuki said.
"I CAN'T!!" an equally panicking Natsumi replied. "I JUST BROKE THE DOOR!!"
Chapter 92: Left Out
While on patrol, Miyuki and Natsumi pulled up to a four-way intersection— and the road ahead was closed for construction.
"Turn left," Natsumi said.
"Are you sure?" Miyuki said. "I don't know where that street leads."
"We'll FIND OUT," Natsumi said impatiently, "after you TURN LEFT."
"Turning left now," Miyuki sighed.
Some time later, a completely lost Miyuki and Natsumi pulled up alongside a pedestrian. "Pardon me," Natsumi asked. "Can you tell us where we are?"
"nzuri, habari yako?" the man said.
"What did he say?" Miyuki asked Natsumi.
"He said that we should have turned right," Natsumi said sadly.