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List Your Symptoms

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Jensen likes keeping things organized and neat. Tidy to-do lists, opinions, music, lists of movies he’s seen by genre. He likes to add new things and loves to tick off old ones. It fills him with a sense of accomplishment. In a sort of ‘Yay, this is what I’ve done’ way.

Jared knows this about his best friend. He’s used to fridge lists, papers on the kitchen counter, and strays on the living room corner table… Jensen never keeps them secret. Jared reads them sometimes. If they’re there, he might as well. Jensen sees him reading, so it’s not like he’s invading his privacy. He flips through Jensen’s organizer and makes him join some list-making website that’s all in rage right now. Apparently, people are all hot for ticky boxes or some shit.

Sometimes, the lists make sense. Things to buy. Movies to see. Sometimes, they don’t make any sense. Like the time when Jared found a list entitled ‘Why’, and each item on the list was a symbol. He still doesn’t get that one. It’s just Jensen being the weirdo he is.

When he’s bored or wants to relax, he picks up random stuff to read over and pokes fun at Jensen. He feels like he knows everything about him. He’s read that list of Jensen’s sexual partners, for Christ’s sake. Honestly.

So when he finds an unfamiliar small blue Moleskine (Jen apparently also has a hard-on for those, too. What the fuck is wrong with other notebooks slash organizers slash journals? It’s just damn paper. Plus, it sounds like it’s made of animal… which, yuck). Anyhow, when he sees it, he thinks it’s probably a new notebook with Jensen’s lists.

Well, he thinks a few seconds later, it is a notebook with Jensen’s lists, but it’s not new. Which just weirds out Jared, because… why hasn’t he seen it before? And if it’s just there, on the counter, he’s allowed to pick it up and read it. Right?


He flips it open and makes himself comfortable on the barstool. The first page has one word on it. Jay. Simple, black on… off white-ish paper. He makes a point to google the name of that color.

So it’s a notebook about him? Great. Awesome.

He flips through the first few. He’s never been one of those who read things in order, if he can help it. He appreciates the irony of the situation, okay.

There are lists called Things I Noticed About Him on the First Day. It includes strangely sappy things like smile, laugh, eyes, sense of humor, NO sense of personal space and… oh. Well. Ass. Jared thinks it’s OK if Jensen noticed his ass. He’s gay, he can look at a stranger’s ass and appreciate it. That’s totally cool. He’ll probably tease Jensen about it later, and ignore the irregular little flutter in his chest. Heart arrhythmia – he should get that checked out soon.

He looks at another list, called His Favorite Sweets. It makes him smile. You have to admit it’s kind of adorable. Twizzlers made the cut. Skittles are there, peanut M&M’s, gummi bears, chocolate-covered raisins… Yeah, that’s just making him hungry.

The flips through a few more lists, chuckling as his eyes catch a particularly funny line.

Then, however, his heart almost stops from shock. Reasons Why I’m in Love With Him stares at Jared, and he stares back. This has got to be a joke. Jensen must have done it on purpose to prank Jared.

As soon as he starts actually reading the list, he changes his mind. This can’t be a joke. It’s far too personal. There is stuff there that… He starts breathing erratically, flipping through another page and another page and another. Until he abruptly stops because another huge title catches his attention. Reasons Why I Should Tell Him I’m In Love With Him.

He’s my friend and maybe possibly he feels the same

I can’t keep this shit in anymore. I’m going to fucking burst

Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Tell Him is right below

He probably doesn’t feel the same

It’s better to keep it in than face any of these consequences

He hits me and is angry with me, and we’re never friends again

He tells me it’s OK, he doesn’t feel the same, but we can still be friends. But we’re never the same anymore and everything’s awkward no matter how hard we try

But Jared doesn’t get to c) because right at that moment, Jensen bursts through the door, saying something animatedly. Jared knows he’s busted because he can’t get his brain to send signals to his hands, he can’t let himself move, put the book back on the table, pretend like nothing’s out of the ordinary. He can’t even hide the book behind his back.

He makes himself look up, intent to do something. His heart is still running that unusually long sprint, because Jensen’s in love with him.

Then Jensen finally looks in his direction. Jared’s hand’s start shaking.

“What’s –” Jensen starts, but stops abruptly, taking in the notebook in Jared’s firm grasp. He has a look so horrified and terrified that makes Jared want to die and fix it right now, oh God, because he can actually see the blood completely draining from Jensen’s face.

“Jen–” He wants to say it’s fine. It’s great, in fact. They have to talk about this, but Jared loves Jensen and it’s oh so good, so Jen should stop freaking out right the fuck now. He can’t though, because Jensen is already out of the door before Jared can make his legs work. He is yelling after Jensen, running out of the door, but by the time he’s there, he doesn’t know in which direction Jensen went.

Six hours and fifteen unanswered calls later, Jensen is still not home. It freaks Jared out like nothing ever before, because he knows Jensen and has a pretty good feeling what his friend is going through right now.

Jared always confronts his problems head on. When something embarrassing happens, Jared is right there to blush sheepishly and make an even bigger fool of himself, or joke about it, make everyone laugh.

Jensen is exactly the opposite. When he has a problem or when he embarrasses himself, he gets shy and stammers. He hides and mopes until someone, usually Jared, gets him to relax.

And this… this is big for Jensen. Huge. Thinking Jared read his notebook and discovered his feelings… something he kept so deeply private… it’s probably killing him. He’s probably out there somewhere, thinking Jared will hate him forever.

Jared doesn’t even know how much time passes before he hears the door open. It’s almost completely silent, but Jared is awake and alert almost immediately, sitting up on the couch in an instant.

Jensen looks caught and freaking frightened.


“No. No, I don’t want to deal with this now. Let me go, let me go to bed, please.” He sounds so desperate, Jared just wants to squeeze him tight and never let go.

“I have to say this now or else you’ll spend the whole night freaking out,” Jared says. He picks up a small piece of paper from the table, one that he was working on before passing out, and marches to Jensen, who still looks like a deer caught in headlights.

Jared peers at the paper, clears his throat and calmly says, “I’m not really good at this as much as you are –”

“Jared –”

“No, let me finish,” Jared says, putting his hand up. “But I made this list for you.” He’s calm and collected, doesn’t know where it’s coming from.


“Shhhhh! What Jensen Should Do. First, you should stop freaking the fuck out, second, you should forgive me for–“

“I don’t blame–”

“Shhhhh! Forgive me for invading your privacy. And third! You should let me kiss you now.”

“What?” Jensen asks and Jared takes one small step forward. Jensen takes a huge step back.

“I’m in love with you. I’ve been worried sick about you, where you might have gone off to. What you must have been thinking and feeling. You never gave me a chance to say it. So there it is. I’m in love with you, too. You never gave me a chance to say that, what with the way you stormed out.”

Jensen is still standing stock still, giving that look to Jared. He tries to pull closer to Jensen, but as if on reflex, Jensen pulls back.

“Me. In love. With you,” Jared says again. “Kissing. Feeling better.”

“Oh God, I’m such an idiot,” Jensen says, putting his face in his hands.

“No, you’re not,” Jared assures him. “OK, maybe, a little. You shouldn’t have just left like that. It really scared me.” He pulls himself towards Jensen once again, fingers curling into Jensen’s shirt.

He leans into Jensen, molding their bodies together completely. For a moment, he simply closes his eyes, breathing Jensen in. He captures Jensen’s lips tentatively. It’s a soft, chaste kiss, intent on easing Jensen in, asking for permission. When Jensen doesn’t pull away, Jared kisses once again, giving in to more exploratory instincts. He bites down on his lower lip lightly, making Jensen moan breathily and put his hands around Jared’s neck. It’s slow and sensual in the beginning, but they’re both far too gone for it to stay that way. They’ve both waited for too long.

Jensen crushes his lips to Jared’s hard enough to hurt, but Jared doesn’t care. He grips Jensen’s ass and slams them so hard he’s seeing stars when the lengths of their cocks grind against each other. From that moment, it’s firm and fast. Both of them wanting, needing to take the edge off after years of pent up sexual desire.

Jared licks and bites his way down Jensen’s neck and chest, down to his still jean-clad cock. There is no exchange of words, just the two of them moaning and wanting what they can finally have. Jared unbuttons Jensen’s pants and pulls down his underwear. The wave of desire that hits him at the sight of Jensen’s hard cock is enough to make him weak in the knees and he falls down, pushing Jensen on the couch.

He’s dreamed about this before, but it’s better than every fantasy. He’s never actually given another man head, but oh God he wants to, so much it’s making his mouth water. He runs a finger down Jensen’s shaft, who moans in pleasure. He fists the cock experimentally, swirling the precome on its head. It makes Jensen arch off the couch and whimper almost as if he’s in pain.

He doesn’t have the experience to make the blowjob perfect, but he knows what feels good on him and tries to mimic that, and find other ways to make Jensen feel even better. He licks along the vein on the underside and then puts his tongue flat against the head, tasting the bitter flavor. One lick, and he already knows he wants it forever. It’s sloppy and messy; Jared gags on more than one occasion, but he doesn’t care because it’s got to be the hottest fucking thing he’s done in his life. If he kept lists like Jensen, this one would be right there, number one, no contest. For now, he thinks, because if he can have his way, he and Jensen will be doing a lot of really hot things in the near and far future.

The noises Jensen’s making assure Jared that he’s doing well. The pressure in his own jeans feels impossibly tight, so he unbuttons them and fists his own cock with one hand.

Jensen makes another desperate noise, this one more high-pitched than before. Jared knows it’s a warning when Jensen’s balls draw tighter in his hand, but he doesn’t stop before it’s too late. Jensen’s come bursts on his tongue and down his throat. He tries to swallow, but he’s not used to it. Some of the come drips down his lips and chin while he tries to swallow and breathe through it.

He wants to say sorry, but Jensen’s having none of it. He roughly takes Jared’s shirt and pulls him up, crushing their lips together, licking the inside of Jared’s mouth, biting at the chin and jaw where the come has spilled.

Jensen flips them over on the couch and slides down Jared’s body. He feels as if he could come any moment now, and Jensen probably knows it. He doesn’t spare a second in pushing off Jared’s pants completely and taking Jared’s cock all the way down while rolling his sack.

The wet heat is sudden and oh so wonderful. Jared wants to come right them, but tries to hold on to some semblance of control. Jensen is sucking him off skillfully. It’s precise, expert and measured. Jensen knows exactly what to do to make Jared go wild. It doesn’t take long before he, too, is coming deep down Jensen’s throat.

He only gets a moment to pull Jensen up the way Jen did earlier, before they’re both passed out on the couch from sheer exhaustion.

He wakes up alone on the couch, brain needing a second to adjust to the surroundings. Jensen is not there when he looks around, so he goes up to his room to take a shower.

When he gets back down, Jensen is in the kitchen making breakfast.

“Morning,” Jared greets warmly.

“Morning,” Jensen replies, his shoulders tensing. He doesn’t turn around from his place next to the counter, the sounds of the knife chopping never breaking rhythm.

Jared goes to stand behind him, with his hands gripping the counter on each side of Jensen, effectively trapping him. He kisses the side of Jensen’s neck and the sound of the knife on the chopping board misses a beat.

“Are you going to look at me?” Jared asks. Jensen tenses even more and doesn’t move. Jared slides his hand to Jensen’s chest, feeling the frantic heartbeat there. “You’re scared and confused, I know.”


“We’re not going to avoid it or forget about it. When you pull away, I push forward, remember?” Jared says. “Turn around,” he requests, pulling on his shoulder. “I have to say this to your face for you to believe me.”

Jensen turns, his expression uncertain and guarded.

“I love you,” Jared declares simply. “I want to be with you. Not just because I found out that you are in love with me from some list. I don’t want only sex; I want us for the long haul. You’re amazing. I don’t regret anything we did last night; as a matter of fact, it was pretty incredible. I know I’ve never been with a guy, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less sure about this.” He stops to look at Jensen. “Have I covered everything?”

“Yeah,” Jensen says breathily. “I think… think that’s very good.” He leans into Jared, now completely relaxed. Hooking his arms around Jared’s neck, he kisses him on the lips so reverently it’s making Jared want to cry like a lovesick girl. Jared’s stomach rumbles, effectively breaking the spell. Jensen laughs. “I think maybe we should finish breakfast, huh.”


He kisses Jensen, though, and grinds against him. Heat pools at the pit of his stomach. “Maybe I’ll need a list of pros and cons of breakfast versus you naked in bed, right this second.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, definitely. Because I want to go right ahead and cross off some things from that one list.”

Jensen blushes. “Which one?”

Jared grins. “Oh, the really long one with a lot of sex. I’d really like to get started with numbers 7 through 15 today. 16, too. I’m all for fair play and equal opportunity in this relationship.” He waggles his eyebrows.

Jensen blushes even more, hiding his face in his hands. “You read that. You remember it all?”

“Jensen, Jensen, Jensen…” Jared tuts. “I’m an actor. I’m very good at remembering lines; and I want to practice them all with you, as many times as possible.”

“Oh God,” Jensen groans. “Even the one… um… one with the … with the… and that other one um…”

“All of them,” Jared says passionately. “One by one.”

“It’s a long list. It’s also a work in progress.”

“You plan on going somewhere?”

Jensen gives him that look. The look that makes his heart flutter and his knees give out. “No. Never.”

“Then we’ve got plenty of time. But now, what do you say we skip the food preparation, order some takeout, and get started with crossing things off your lists and checking the little boxes? I know how much you like that.”

Jensen groans. “Oh God. That sounds like the best idea you’ve ever had.”

“I knew you’d eventually realize I was good for something,” Jared jokes.

Jensen looks at him seriously, before pulling at his hand and dragging them up the stairs to Jared’s bedroom. “I love you, you know.”

“I do. I love you, too.”