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Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Kingdom Hearts II

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~HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT KINGDOM HEARTS WAS A COMBINATION OF DISNEY AND SQUARE ENIX?! WE SURE DIDN’T!~

Sora: Why am I standing at the crossroads from Chain of Memories? Oh, right, symbolic narration: A scattered dream that’s like a far-off memory is the same as a far-off memory that’s like a scattered dream. I wanna line the pieces up; yours and mine. Which is why there are now collectible puzzle pieces in the Final Mix version. Hurrah-face.

Sanctuary: *starts playing*

Kairi: Oh, I love this song! *is making the thalassa charm on the beach at sunset*

Thalassa shell: *gets washed away by the tide*

Kairi: Whatever, I didn’t need that one anyway. *is now sitting on a palm tree with Sora and Riku’s leaning next to it* Wait, wasn’t I in the middle and Sora was on the other end?

Riku: You totally were but we need to set up a very confusing set-up.

Sora: Which is presumably why you’re dissolving into sand right now.

Kairi: Huh, so I am.

Riku: Me as well.

Sora: I don’t seem all that fussed for some reason. *jumps off the island which also dissolves into sand and lands with Donald and Goofy directly at the Hollow Bastion waterfall which is crawling with Shadows* …I don’t remember there being any Heartless in this area.

Donald: Me neither.

Goofy: Me neither! A-hyuk!

Sora: Oh well, might as well slaughter them. *slaughters them and climbs up a ways only to find himself immediately in the upper levels of the castle where Kairi’s unconscious body is* …Well that was fast. Oh, right, should probably try to shake her awake. *tries to shake her awake*

Rikusem: She won’t wake.

Sora: R-Riku? What do you mean she won’t wake? She’s not…

Rikusem: She’s still alive, but only just. *turns around and holds out his hand, and suddenly there’s a tidal wave behind him like back on the beach on their island*

Sora: Is this ever gonna make any fucking sense? *runs towards him, with his Keyblade drawn, and suddenly they’re back in Hollow Bastion having That One Boss fight*

Rikusem: *straight-up turns into Ansem*

Sora: *runs up and slashes downward at him* It is implied that this is what killed you.

Ansem: You’re just saying that because the doors to Kingdom Hearts are opening and I’m dissolving into light.

Riku: And this is me back to being a good guy and telling you to take care of Kairi and not to worry about what happens to me.

Sora: I’d get right on that if I wasn’t so confused about why it’s showing my heart leaving my body now instead of keeping the timeline consistent.

Kairi: Oh when have any of these montage flashbacks been in order. THE POWER OF HUGS COMPELS YOU!

Sora: YAY I’M ALIVE AGAIN!

Kairi: And now I’m on the beach again, during daylight hours, possibly flashing back to the time the island was put back together at fucking night.

Sora: *is fading into the distance* Yeah, that sure was pretty, wasn’t it.

Kairi: *transforms from her fourteen-year-old self in her white tank top, pink skort, and very short hair to her fifteen-year-old self with a very short pink dress with about seventeen zippers on it and slightly longer than shoulder-length hair* Look, ‘tis a time skip! *is still waiting on the beach*

Both Kairi and Naminé: Music will tie…

Kairi: …Wait, why did I suddenly act like I’m in some kind of music video.

Naminé: I don’t know but we’re showing off Chain of Memories now. *is sketching on her sketchpad* Check it, I drew something that was never in any of the games! *camera pans through her sketch of a giant spiral staircase with Heartless on it to an actual spiral staircase with Heartless on it*

Sora: *is mowing down Heartless* Is this supposed to be symbolic of all the floors we kept climbing in this game?

Goofy: Probably. *smashes down on a Shadow with his shield* Man, this must be confusing for people who didn’t play Chain of Memories.

Donald: Aw phooey, who didn’t play it by this point?

Sora: That’s easy to say now with three different ways to play it, one of them being on the same disk as the first game, but back when this originally came out and people were reluctant to use the internet because dial-up was still used in far too many homes, a lot of players didn’t even know this game existed and were very confused until the strategy guide talked about it. And then they went and played it having already finished this one.

Riku: I guess I know Thundaga or something since I just got rid of the rest of the Heartless for you.

DiZ: Wasn’t that special of him.

Sora: *is in the normal white rooms of Castle Oblivion again* …That happened. Also I just noticed my hair’s been a shade lighter this whole time, that’s weird.

Marluxia: So it is. Wanna fight?

Sora: Why not, I don’t have friends to save.

Riku: Hey cool, I’m fighting Ansem at the same time that you’re fighting Marluxia! Even though you defeated him before I even came across Zexion!

Sora: Looks like we were right about everything being out of order. Also why are you going down the other side of the staircase that I’m going up?

Riku: Well, I was going through the basement while you were taking the main floors, but yeah, we were both going upstairs, this is weird.

Goofy: Half-baked symbolism?

Donald: Because these openings needed anymore of that—HOLY SHIT WAS THAT THE KING?!

Mickey: For the briefest of seconds, yes, I was running down with Riku.

Naminé: That’s actually a pretty neat little Easter Egg. Speaking of…

Sora: *opens the door to the room she’s in* Speaking of what?

Naminé: You’re in a giant glass egg now! I have drawn it and that makes it so apparently!

Sora: …This implies that you did that immediately and possibly without my consent and that I have no idea what’s going on.

Naminé: Angels in flight…

Sora: What the fuck is that supposed to mean why am I sleepy. *falls into light and starts sailing backwards through a white space, still unconscious; the white background shatters to reveal Sora flying back to the Destiny Islands*

Naminé: Aww, I drew a sleepy Sora, how adorable. *closes sketchbook*

Sora: *is holding hands with an unconscious Riku and an unconscious fourteen-year-old Kairi* Oh good, more symbolism that I can’t decipher.

Roxas: You think you have a problem. *is dunked into some very deep water and is extremely far down before he opens his eyes* Huh, I seem to have no problem breathing down here. *lands on some kind of bottom and looks around* How the hell do I get out of here.

Birds: *fly up from the bottom revealing a stain glass image of a sleeping Sora holding a Keyblade with smaller images of Riku, Kairi, Donald, and Goofy near him*

Roxas: …How the fuck can birds fly underwater. Am I even still underwater right now, what the shit is happening.

Scenery: *changes to the beach in the Realm of Darkness*

Xemnas: *is sitting on a rock on the beach*

Roxas: *takes a Dark Corridor into the area*

Both of them: *have their hoods up*

Xemnas: Hey! So I’ve been to see him. Which must mean that continuity puts my optional fight with him in Final Mix at about six days after he turned into a Heartless and you were created. Good to know. He looks a lot like you. Not as much as Ventus, but age him up a year and change his hair and you two would still look exactly the same.

Roxas: I don’t think we’ve met yet, and if we have I don’t remember.

Xemnas: I’m what’s left…or maybe I’m all that ever was. Again, whether I’m talking about Master Xehanort or Terra is not a hundred percent clear.

Roxas: THE NAME! GIVE ME THE WRETCHED NAME!

Karkaroff: BARTY CROUCH!

Rita Skeeter: Gasp!

Karkaroff: Junior.

Roxas: Seriously, who are you?

Xemnas: No one of consequence.

Roxas: I must know.

Xemnas: Get used to disappointment.

Roxas: ‘Kay.

Xemnas: What about you? Do you remember what your real name was before we switched letters around and threw in an X?

Roxas: …Not really.

Kai—: Sora?

Sora: *opens his eyes* GAAH. Fucking sun… *sits up* Oooooh, beach pretty… *yawns widely, falls back down again*

Kai—: *fuzzily elbow drops him* I’ve been watching you sleep.

Sora: WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCK. *gets up in a kneeling position*

Kai—: Gigglesnort.

Sora: Never. Do. That. Again.

Kai—: I SAID RUN, SLAVES!

Sora and Riku: *instantly start running*

Riku: Are we whipped or are we just that competitive?

Sora: Little of column A, little of column B.

Riku: I’ve just been kind of wondering about…well, everything recently, you know? The meaning of life and all that? Why were we born here, on this particular collection of islands? Why weren’t we born somewhere else? Did we choose to be born here, or did some type of higher being guide us here? I guess I just wanna go out and try to find some kind of answer for myself. I really want there to be other worlds, really, because if there are then that means there is far more going on than we thought, and we’ll really have a chance to be part of something bigger than ourselves.

Sora and Kai—: OUR FACES ARE FUZZY AS SHIT.

Brown coat guy: This world has been tied in with the rest of the Disney movies and that one giant Final Fantasy meet-up place.

Sora: There actually weren’t too many Final Fantasy guys from Hollow Bastion, come to think of it, the rest were in Twilight Town. Though I suppose seven is more than four, but still, the hell are you talking about?

Brown coat guy: Tied to the darkness, soon to be completely eclipsed.

Sora: WE JUST SAID WE WEREN’T DOING BERSERK. THIS IS A CHILDREN’S GAME, RIKU CANNOT DO THAT TO KAI— IN A CHILDREN’S GAME.

Kai—: Sora, don’t ever change.

Sora: …Can I change my outfit next year when my voice drops and my hair inexplicably lightens slightly?

Kai—: Yeah, sure, that stuff’s fine. *stands up* I just can’t wait. Once we set sail, it’ll be great.

Riku: The door…has opened…

Sora: What?

Riku: I said the door has opened, Sora, learn to listen!

Sora: Riku, you’re stretching out your hand in an uncannily similar way to the Riku from my vision. Also you appear to be being consumed by darkness.

Riku: Yes, this is apparently a thing. *vines of darkness start wrapping around him*

Sora: Okay, I’m gonna just drag you outta that shit, hope you don’t mind — shit, the darkness is coming. *is also being consumed by darkness*

Riku: Just relax…Let it happen, Sora…

Sora: I need an adult!

Riku: I…I got nothing, sorry. *darkness consumes both of them momentarily*

Darkside: Well, old chap, I do believe this world seems to be crumbling before our very eyes!

Sora: I noticed that, yes.

Kai—: *turns around* Sora…Let my heart take refuge in yours, m’kay?

Door to darkness: *opens, blasting Kai— straight into Sora, literally*

Sora: …What the fuck just happened. *gets blasted backward by the darkness*

~This game is so fucking padded with montages.~

Roxas’s room in Twilight Town: *is pretty well furbished and full of crap he probably uses for a room that doesn’t actually exist*

Roxas: Where did I get these pajamas, anyway. *sits up* I’m complaining about a dream I had about another guy. Instant shipping fodder, and I’ve only been onscreen for all of ten seconds. Yep, this is gonna be a fun one. *opens window and sticks head outside* Let the insane amount of confusion commence! *eventually gets dressed and heads out toward the usual spot*

Twilight Town Title Card: …Wait, did he just wake up when the sun was finally setting, or does the time of day never change around here, is it one of those planets?

Hayner: *is sitting on a pipe or something while Pence is sitting on a box, and they’re talking animatedly while Olette’s listening to them from a sofa, and Roxas is sitting some distance away on a different box staring at his hands as if he’s not entirely sure he’s actually there* Man, I’m fucking pissed right now.

Pence: You’re right! You’re not wrong! In fact you’re correct!

Olette: Seifer’s a steamboat motherfucker.

Pence: He’s a steamboat motherfucker, what does that mean?!

Olette: I don’t know, I just made it up, I figured it would be good.

Hayner: EARTH TO ROXAS! ARE YOU LISTENING?!

Roxas: Huh? Sorry, what?

Hayner: DAARGH!! *has anger veins in his hands, that can’t be healthy* We’re talking about how to clear our names! Listen up, man! *stands up* Yes, shit’s been stolen, or reportedly stolen, all over town. Yes, we have a not-so-friendly rivalry with Seifer’s gang. If he wants to blame us for something that was stolen from him, then sure, fine, whatever, but he doesn’t have to make us public enemy number one!

Roxas: Come to think of it, when I was on my way here…When I went to get my textbooks, the bookstore was closed, even though I timed it so it would be open!

Olette: You mean the textbooks we won’t need?

Roxas: Yeah, figured I’d get the one set for the group to share and you’d all pay me back in ice cream and favors throughout the year.

Pence: We can handle that!

Roxas: But then a dog chased me off, and I stepped on some gum! Everywhere I looked, the shops were closing left and right…I knew there had to be some reason for all that bad luck.

Hayner: You’re blaming everyone treating us like thieves because you stepped on some gum?

Roxas: Nah, just the rest of it, but the gum didn’t improve my mood, you know?

Hayner: True enough. So what’re we supposed to do about all this, anyway?

Pence: Murder Seifer? It’ll be more high profile than usual, but if we can’t think of anything else…

Hayner: Yeah, kill his whole gang with the power of burning rage and such!

Roxas: The power of burning rage and such?

Hayner: Yeah, that-that’s what I said.

Olette: Roxas, throw him off!

Roxas: R-Right. Um, if we find out what’s actually happening, we could clear our names?

Pence: That sounds better, I’d hate to waste good arsenic.

Hayner: Awww, I wanted to kill Seifer!

Roxas: Maybe later, we want to recreate our images as innocent before we carry out the dark shit again, throw people off our scents and all that.

Hayner: Stop using logic on me.

Pence: Ah, shit! *looking at his camera* Our ______ are gone! *blinks and clutches his neck*

Hayner: You trying to mess with us, Pence?

Pence: No, I’m trying to tell you that all our ______ are gone!

Hayner: Hang on, one more time, I’m trying to read your lips.

Pence: Okay, “______.”

Hayner: Oh, you mean ______? Then why not just say ______? Hang on, why can’t I say ______. *clutches his own neck*

Olette: *covers her mouth with her hand* Why can’t we say ______? This is too fucking bizarre.

Pence: Tell me that what I said came clear to you. They are gone now, after all.

Roxas: Probably stolen, like with everything else in town. And not just the actual ______, but the very word itself. This must’ve been frustrating for people just beginning to play this game for the first time who can’t really read lips all that well.

Hayner: It’s kind of weird how no one’s freaked out by this. But seriously, how the balls can you steal a fucking word? It’s not like we’re all computer constructs living in some kind of virtual reality! In any case, this is way too powerful for the likes of Seifer to pull off. Argh…I wanted to avoid this, but it’s time to talk to people. Roxas, get ready to talk to people for us so we won’t have to!

Roxas: Saw that coming. *watches as Hayner, Pence, and Olette all run ahead of him, then starts to follow them when he suddenly passes out*

DiZ: His heart is returning. He’ll probably wake up soon so the game can actually begin.

Roxas: *slowly comes to and gets back up* Was that…Christopher Lee? Did they actually get him in this game?! HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKING AMAZING. *dusts his pants off* How long was I out?

Olette: Roxas, are you coming, or…?

Roxas: Sorry, got a little dizzy there for a second.

Olette: You okay?

Roxas: Yeah, probably just stress.

Olette: Well let us know if something worse happens, okay?

Roxas: I will. *follows her down to Tram Common*

Hayner: We’re over by the clothing store! As you can plainly see with your fully-functioning eyeballs!

Roxas: YAY I CAN MOVE!

Tutorial: This is how you move—

Roxas: Have the controls radically changed from the vanilla version?

Tutorial: …Not so much…

Roxas: Then I have played this game to completion eleven times and do not need your help.

Tutorial: Touchy…

Pence: What Roxas said, let’s just get this shit started already.

Some rando: Can’t believe you’d sink so low, Roxas. I believed in you, man!

Roxas: Why does everyone think we did the bad thing?!

Olette: …I’m not sure it’s us collectively anymore.

Some rando: Yeah, there’s kind of a shitton of evidence against you specifically.

Roxas: Like what?

Some rando: You know exactly what. Go talk to someone else, I don’t even wanna look at you anymore.

Roxas: Well thanks so much.

Hayner: To the accessory shop girl owner person we go!

Roxas: Whoa, I have control again.

Pence: Hey, did you know you could talk to people, ‘cause I sure didn’t!

Olette: Talking to people sure is great! You should try it sometime!

Hayner: Yo, you should try talking to people.

Some rando: The promoter of this Struggle battle sure makes people struggle. It’s a real struggle putting up these posters. Tram Common is huge!

Roxas: So it is, I’m gonna run around and explore it! *runs around and jumps around and checks out every inch of the area* Damn this brings back memories…Not sure why they involve me dressed in black and being able to jump way higher, though. Or memories of monsters. Eh, I’m sure it’s nothing, probably just more dream stuff. *gets bored and goes to talk to the Accessory Shop girl owner person*

Accessory Shop girl owner person: So apparently you bought a shitton of bling from me in the past and now you’re a thief, which is not cool. I don’t want to believe you’re a thief, though.

Roxas: I’m not a thief!

Accessory Shop girl owner person: So you say.

Olette: Why do I get the feeling that if we tell them that something was stolen from us as well, they’d be more inclined to think differently?

Pence: Don’t tell anyone! You know what logic does to people, just look at Hayner!

Olette: Ah, right!

Roxas: It’s not cool being Twilight Town’s most wanted for something I didn’t do, okay? There is plenty of stuff I did do and even more stuff we’ve all helped Pence do, but this isn’t one of them, got it?

Accessory Shop girl owner person: Try telling that to the woman who owns the candy store.

Roxas: I will!

Old woman: Before you talk to me about the plot, find my cat.

Roxas: You mean the one up on the awning?

Pence: WHERE OH WHERE COULD THAT CAT BE? IT’D BE FUNNY IF IT WERE SOMEWHERE REAL CLOSE!

Hayner: Hey, you should try using your fully functioning eyeballs to see things, I hear that’s useful.

Olette: I don’t see it anywhere! We should scour this whole massive area!

Roxas: I’m up to my tits in morons. *locks onto the cat*

Old woman: Well at least you can still do one thing right.

Roxas: Just so you know, we didn’t do the other thing either.

Old woman: While that’s normally the most suspicious thing one can utter, I instantly believe you.

Roxas: So what did they take from you?

Old woman: A ______. Damn it, why can’t I talk?!

Roxas: You’re not the only one, ma’am, trust us.

Hayner: So her ______’s probably stolen, like with everything else in town. And not just the actual ______, but the very word itself.

Pence: …WE JUST FUCKING ESTABLISHED THAT, YOU FUCKING DICK WAFFLE.

Olette: …Should we just ask Seifer what happened to him and why he would blame us?

Roxas: That’s a good idea. He may not have done it but he still might have set us up. *leads the way to the Sandlot* YO VIVI’S IN THIS GAME!

Vivi: And so then we went to a village hidden up in a tree that was populated by giant anthropomorphic rats that occasionally like to river dance — Oh, it’s those guys!

Fuu: Phew.

Rai: Yeah, that’s just so unrealistic, y’know?

Vivi: *adjusts hat in frustration* Least my game’s enjoyable…

Rai: I don’t get what he means, y’know?

Fuu: Drawing.

Rai: …I now get what he means, y’know? Also what you guys did really sucks ass, y’know?

Hayner: Fuck you!

Seifer: Snappy comeback. *walks in*

Hayner: You have no idea how stupid your outfit is in this game. And it’s not much of an improvement from your former one, either.

Seifer: You’re just jealous of my glorious midriff.

Hayner: That’s neither here nor there!

Seifer: So you gonna give us back the ______ or what?

Rai: Yeah, you’re literally the only ones who would’ve done all this, y’know?

Roxas, Hayner, Pence, and Olette: …No. No we don’t. We’ve asked around and we still don’t get it.

Seifer: Well in our case, you stole proof that we’re better than you. Not that we need it, but it’s just fun to have. So what’d you do with it? Make a hat? A brooch? A pterodactyl? Feh, who cares, everyone knows we’ll always be better than you anyway.

Roxas: Please, not even Vivi can make you guys look cool.

Fuu: Murder.

Seifer: Any day of the week. Or you can blow me.

Roxas: *steps forward*

Hayner: …Dude, seriously?

Roxas: There are three clubs at his feet, what do you think I’m doing.

Hayner: Oh, that’s actually a way better idea.

Roxas: …Holy fuck I can talk to everyone before I pick up a weapon. Eleven full playthroughs and I never noticed that before. And boy is it a good thing that Seifer’s not attacking me while I’m thinking.

Hayner: I’m suggesting you go with defense, of all things.

Olette: No, kick his ass! Use pure offense!

Pence: I like how no one’s advocating magic. But either way, I know several good places to hide the bodies.

Hayner, Roxas, and Olette: We know.

Rai: Seifer won’t waste his time taking you guys seriously, y’know! He only uses his most powerful attack when in trouble, y’know!

Roxas: Well thanks for pointing that out so I know when to dodge.

Fuu: Cakewalk.

Roxas: Yeah, for me.

Seifer: So, you’re feeling up to it? Take your time picking a weapon — not that it’ll matter.

Roxas: Uh-huh, sure…HOLY SHIT I CAN TALK TO VIVI yay-face.

Vivi: I miss Zidane and the others…Can’t believe I’m wasting my limited lifespan hanging out with these losers…

Roxas: Sorry, bro. *picks up the Struggle club that focuses on offense and gets added Strength from it*

Pence: Roxas, don’t fuck it up!

Roxas: Whatever. *knocks back Seifer’s club and hits him three times*

Seifer: Isn’t this romantic! *attempts to attack Roxas*

Roxas: I regret to inform you that I don’t swing that way, and also that Squall’s on another planet and probably wouldn’t tap your jailbait ass anyway considering he’s way older than you in this universe. *dodges Seifer’s attacks and repeats strategy until Seifer’s defeated* Well that was appallingly easy.

Hayner: *waggles his hands over his head* Ha ha ha! Gotta change your diaper, Seifer?

Seifer: I’m not a sore loser, honest.

Rai: And therefore we’re gonna be sore losers in your place, y’know!

Fuu: Exactly.

Vivi: …I’m not even gonna bother anymore…

Pence: Everyone say “Chocolate Frogs!” *takes picture of Roxas standing in front of Rai and Fuu, all three of which are blocking the defeated Seifer so what’s the point*

Dusk: *pops out of nowhere and steals the camera*

Pence: …DID ANYBODY SEE THAT?!

Dusk: *flips all over the place and out of the area*

Hayner: What the fuck was the crazy flippy guy?

Olette: It just stole our camera! GASP! Could it be the thief!?

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: LET’S RUN AFTER IT!

Roxas: …Why am I the only following it into the woods, then?

Hayner: Well in the manga time stopped so we didn’t catch up with you until it was all over, but that would make sense so why include that in-game.

Roxas: True. *follows the Dusk to the old mansion* WHAT A MANSION! And why did I feel the urge to bash the trees I just passed.

Dusk: You must interact with me to continue, otherwise I will continue to stand here and never cause trouble for anyone.

Roxas: Can I beat you up while you’re not moving?

Dusk: Sure, but it won’t have any effect.

Roxas: Okay, I’ll interact with you.

Dusk: You’re the boss, boss.

Roxas: …Wait, boss?

Dusk: I have a zipper mouth. *unzips zipper mouth so it can growl at Roxas*

Roxas: Oh good. *tries to beat it up and avoid it at the same time considering he’s on Critical, but the club doesn’t affect it at all* Crap baskets, now what.

Struggle Club: *is digitally transformed into a Keyblade*

Roxas: …Okay, how the shit did that happen. And why is it automatically pointing at the Dusk.

Dusk: I’m pretty sure it wants you to destroy me.

Roxas: …OKAY. *destroys it* Sure hope I didn’t just murder someone!

Manga version: *has more than one pop up, forming a cage around Roxas and opening a Dark Corridor that they try to drag Roxas into and then the Keyblade shows up, but that would be cool so fuck that noise*

Roxas: That and this is the tutorial section, don’t throw everything at me at once.

Dusk: *explodes into photographs*

Keyblade: *disappears*

Roxas: …Do I at least still have my club or something? *gathers up all the photographs and heads back to the Usual Spot*

Hayner: *holding one of the photos* What’s this?

Roxas: I was Some Rando’s first customer when he took over the shop.

Olette: Yeah, not your greatest photo, though—HOLY BALLS WE CAN SAY PHOTO AGAIN HALLELUJAH.

Pence: Why did none of us try saying the word “picture” all this time, I wonder.

Hayner: So what did this guy look like, anyway?

Game Roxas: Oh, the pictures were lying there when I got there.

Manga Roxas: …Did you not see the flippy, flexible grey guy with the zipper mouth flip around and swipe Pence’s camera?! Also where were you guys, why did I get there first?

Olette: I think our memories were deleted.

Roxas: Sorry?

Hayner: Who cares, the point is we don’t have someone to pin the blame on anymore! Oooooh, here’s Roxas with a giiiiirl.

Olette: So didja manage get past first base with her?

Roxas: Up to third.

Olette: Nice!

Pence: Actually, we do have someone to pin this on. Whoever stole all these pictures that have Roxas in them was obviously stalking Roxas.

Olette: …That’s really creepy.

Hayner: Have you noticed anybody going through your trash?

Olette: You’d better make sure to keep your curtains closed and door locked.

Pence: Yeah, and you should check your phone and TV for bugs!

Roxas: Does this town have police, I forget, but I really want to file a report now.

Pence: No kidding, we might be looking at a potential kidnapper here.

Hayner: LET’S JUST LAUGH OFF THIS VERY SERIOUS ISSUE!

Roxas, Pence, and Olette: OKAY! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Roxas: Train’s passing.

Olette: We should go. And tomorrow we should start working on our homework.

Hayner: Nah, I say we procrastinate as long as possible.

Olette: What?! You could at least be a little panicked! Your homework’s completely blank, Hayner!

Hayner: IT’S THE BEAUTY OF EMPTINESS!

Pence: Oy vey. *leaves after them*

Roxas: Time for me to leave too, I guess. *steps out and gets blinded by the sunlight* How can it be this bright if it’s perpetually setting.

Sora: I’m the little voice in your head.

Roxas: You sound vaguely different from my usual inner voice.

Sora: So do you, what’s going on?

~Restoration at 12%.~

Riku: *walks up to DiZ who’s working at a computer with like ten different screens*

DiZ: Yeah, we got Nobodies working up in this bitch now.

Riku: That sucks. But why would they steal photographs?

DiZ: They can’t distinguish between an image and the real thing. Lucky for us, really. Naminé’s got to start moving her ass if she wants to get the game up and running properly again. *looks back at Riku* That outfit becomes you.

Riku: C-Cut it out. I’m not wearing it because I like it, b-b-baka.

DiZ: Heh heh heh…Indeed.

~And then the manga has a thing where the Dusks are handing Axel photos of Roxas and he burns them in annoyance, it’s kind of funny when you know who he is.~

Chapter Text

~Then we have more montages because this is necessary.~

Sora: *is sitting, unconscious, behind a bunch of boxes…How did he get there so fast when his planet just exploded?*

Pluto: *uses LICK! It’s not very effective…*

Sora: …All right…My testicles are now filled to the brim with poison, but I gotta make it up this mountain…Zzzzz…

Pluto: *uses STOMP! It’s super-effective!*

Sora: OW MY RIBS! THAT’S HIGHLY INJUROUS! And you appear to be a dog.

Pluto: *is a dog*

Sora: *gets up* …Where the hell am I? ‘Cause at the end of a dark alley is not the greatest place to end up. *runs in front of the Accessory Store* This appears to be a town I’ve never seen before…Did I do it? Did I manage to travel to another dimension? Or is this still on my planet but just on a different land mass no one’s seen before because apparently we don’t travel much? 

Shadow Heartless: A bunch of us wanna kill you.

Sora: The hell’d this all come about, anyway? I was in my room — SHIT! What happened to my home? My island? Riku and Kai—

Soldier Heartless: *is created, and bursts into song*
I want to chomp into your throoooaaat…
And watch you bleed out on the floooor…

Sora: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Mysterious voice: They’ll come at you out of nowhere.

Sora: *turns around* You mean like you just did?

Mysterious guy: *comes into frame and lets everyone sees his necklace and outfit*

Fangirls: OMFG IT’S SQUALLY-SQUALL!

Fans who didn’t like FFVIII so much: Please be more tolerable this time around…

Squall: And they’ll keep coming at you, as long as you decide to wield the Keyblade, which I know isn’t really much of a choice but hey. *points at Keyblade*

Donald and Goofy: *try to attack and immediately fail*

Donald: Why don’t I know how to fly.

Sora: Oh shit, gotta avoid whatever this is—DAMN IT THIS IS THE SECOND TIME SOMEONE BROKE MY SPINE THIS WEEK.

Goofy: Hey, why don’t you come with us? Considering we’re supposed to be following you! But in case you’re unsure, we can go to other dimensions and planets in time and space in our vessel!

Squall: *steps forward* Sora, go with them. Please, leave this place, we really don’t want you here anymore.

Donald: I’m Donald Duck!

Sora: Real original last name.

Goofy: Name’s Goofy!

Sora: Goofy Dog?

Goofy: Don't ever call me that again or I’ll beat you to death with your own shoes! A-hyuk!

Donald and Goofy: *put their hands on top of each other* Apparently this is how we shake hands!

Sora: Seems dumb but whatever. Oh, I’m Sora, by the way. You guys have a ship that can go places and I have absolutely nothing, so what the hell?

Kai—: You keep seeing my blurry face for some reason.

Squall: The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade.

Sora: *aside to Yuffie* Did he change voice actors between games?

Yuffie: Yup.

Sora: Ah.

Aerith: So you know about the Keyblade already as well?

Sora: Wait…What your trying to tell me…is that this blade…which is in the shape of a giant key…is some sort of key?

Yuffie: You catch on quick! You’re a bomb-ass miracle child!

Sora: That’s nice, Imma visibly ignore you and close the Keyhole or whatever.

Keyhole: *disappears entirely*

Jafar: But the boy is a problem. He found one of the Keyholes.

Maleficent: No, he found two of them. Learn to count.

Roxas: *jolts upright in his bed* People don’t actually do that even if they have really bad dreams, that only happens if people hear a loud noise and wake up abruptly that way, what the fuck am I doing. *stares at his hand* Wait…What your trying to tell me…is that this blade…which is in the shape of a giant key…is some sort of Keyblade?

Camera pan of Roxas’s room: *is totally necessary to start the second day*

Roxas: *walks towards the Usual Spot* I am still pondering the Keyblade. *picks up a stick that DiZ added to the virtual world for some reason and swings it around a little* Yep, didn’t think anything would happen. Why am I now having hallucinations. *throws the stick away and it hits Riku in the chest* …Shit, I did not see you there, dude, I am so sorry…

Riku: *sashays off like a boss*

Roxas: …Well that’s just dandy. *enters the Usual Spot*

Hayner: What took you so long, Roxas?

Roxas: Busy throwing sticks at people.

Hayner: Awesome, here’s some ice cream for your troubles.

Pence: And now to have an existential crisis.

Olette: Look, I don’t want to have adult responsibilities either, but we’re all growing up and it’s going to happen and we’re all probably gonna get different jobs and move away and never see each other again and eventually meet new people and shit’s gonna get too real too soon.

Hayner: So why the sudden change in tone?

Pence: I think DiZ is trying to get Roxas to get used to the idea of not being able to hang out with us anymore.

Hayner: …Why would he care, I thought he thinks Nobodies don’t have feelings and are too worthless to deserve them even if they do.

Pence: I know, it is kind of weird.

Hayner: Then again, we are based on our real-life counterparts, so maybe you sometimes spitball about this in real life. Probably when we can already feel summer vacation ending. Which is getting more and more troublesome.

Olette: You’re just saying that because yesterday turned out to be a shitshow.

Hayner: That and I really don’t fucking want summer vacation to fucking end.

Pence: That’s true enough. There’s always a point where it gets so boring that we want school to start, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet.

Hayner: That’s it. We’re going to the beach today, we surprisingly haven’t gone yet. Why aren’t you all instantly agreeing with me.

Roxas: Besides the fact that Twilight Town doesn’t have a beach, I somehow know, and that we’re apparently supposed to just take a train to the Destiny Islands or something because that’s somehow possible? We’re fucking broke.

Hayner: Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan. *runs outside*

Pence and Olette: I have a bad feeling about this. *also run outside*

Tutorial: YO SAVE THAT SHIT.

Roxas: Hang on, I wanna explore shit…Why do we have two Welcome To Twilight Town posters when we all live in Twilight Town? And why doesn’t Pence ever sit next to Olette anymore, they both love that sofa and I thought he was over the cooties phase. And…me and Hayner play darts, apparently…? Meh, whatever. *saves*

Pence: Roxas! Stop doing what the game is implicitly telling you to do and get out here!

Roxas: All right, already! *steps outside*

Hayner: So we’re going to Market Street. Here’s a map, because for some reason you didn’t have that before.

Roxas: Yeah, I know the layout of Twilight Town, dude, I’ve literally spent my entire life here except when I didn’t.

Hayner: When didn’t you?

Roxas: …Ignore that, I’ve been having some fucked up dreams recently. Mostly interplanetary shit.

Hayner: Sounds hype.

Roxas: Why is there a skateboard here and why am I so awesome at it, is it because I’m actually technically Ventus’s Nobody and he had a space hoverboard?

Hayner: Never mind that, check out this Struggle poster! The tournament’s two days from now so you’ll actually be here for it. You and I have to make the finals, so no matter who wins, the four of us get to destroy the trophy together!

Roxas: Sounds good to me!

Pence: Don’t fuck it up!

Olette: And don’t forget to make it as violent as possible, you know how much we love gore!

Hayner: Let’s bump forearms!

Roxas: That indeed seems manly, let’s do the manly thing.

Hayner: Now then, let’s get down to business—

Olette: To defeat…

Roxas and Pence: THE HUNS!

Hayner: Later in the game, shaddup. One ticket to the beach is nine hundred munny. BOY must this work like yen. What’s nine hundred times four?

Olette: 3600. How do you not know basic multiplication.

Hayner: I can do it, you’re just better at it. So add three hundred each to spend there?

Olette: 1200 for a total of 4800.

Roxas: What’re we even gonna buy?

Hayner: Cheap pretzels.

Roxas: Damn, wanted square watermelons.

Hayner: Dude that’s like two grand each, no.

Roxas: Cheap shit it is.

Olette: So how much do we have right now, total?

Pence: Eight hundred?

Olette: Six fifty.

Roxas: One fifty. Sorry. *looks down* I bought a Moai tissue dispenser the other day…the tissue comes out the nose. Why in the world did I buy that…?

Hayner: Ha! Manga reference that is in itself referencing a manga Days moment really subtly, nice! But yeah, that’s 1600 and we need another 3200 minimum. So let’s find some odd jobs and earn up that much in one day! We have until the train leaves which is whenever Roxas says he’s done. *runs up to the station*

Pence: …Thought he said he had a cunning plan. This is just common sense.

Roxas: Who cares, I’m hungry. But I’m gonna talk to people before I start work.

Pence: Hayner said he’d take care of this but I knew something like this would happen. You can start work at this board, or at the Tram Common board.

Some female rando: It’s hard work delivering letters to birds along this slope. I wish I could find someone to help me. HINT HINT.

Little girl: Want to help me put on a performance? I’m hiring some part time help! And I can apparently do that even though I’m like fucking eight or something! Where the balls am I getting all this money!

Olette: Hayner went up this hill. It looks like he’s waiting at the Station Plaza. It seems he’s actually not gonna do shit, so neither are me and Pence, you just do everything, we’ll stand here and watch.

Random dude: I have to move those items into this garage. I posted a help wanted ad, but no one’s come yet.

Roxas: Phrasing. *goes to Tram Common out of boredom*

Older woman: *by where the trolleys are kept* Watch out, there are bees in there!

Batman: Bees. My God.

Older woman: Where could they have come from? I posted an ad on the job board to exterminate them, but no one’s replied.

Roxas: Probably because they’re fucking bees! *goes in and attacks them anyway* Okay, they’re all gone now and I even got a couple munny for it—

Older woman: Watch out, there are bees in there! Where could they have come from? I posted an ad on the job board to exterminate them, but no one’s replied.

Roxas: …I’m just gonna go now…

Old man: This place is a mess! Who’s gonna clean all this junk up?

Roxas: *gets rid of all the trash because apparently he keeps the Struggle club thing up his ass* Okay, done—

Old man: This place is a mess! Who’s gonna clean all this junk up?

Roxas: I hate all of you.

Little kid: You need munny to buy items. You need a job to earn munny. You need experience to get a job but you need a job to get experience. You need a car to go to your job, but you need munny to buy a car and you need a job to earn munny.

Roxas: Stop making me sad. *goes up to talk to Hayner before starting anything*

Hayner: Hey, Roxas! Reached your quota yet? Each of us needs to make at least eight hundred munny, but if you decide to make any more the outcome will still be the fucking same because fuck you.

Roxas: Yeah, I’m just gonna keep earning munny until the game tells me to stop, I want more AP. *starts doing all the jobs at least once for variety; sucks at grandstanding*

Little girl: You don’t even deserve this ten munny I’m giving you.

Roxas: *tries hanging up posters next*

Some rando: Eh, that was okay I guess.

Roxas: *takes out the bees and the trash no problem, and then does the cargo climb* This is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. This is a garage where you can park a car.

Random dude: OH MY GOD, ROXAS, YOU SUCK.

Roxas: Fuck it, I’m just doing the mail delivery one until I’m told to stop. *delivers five letters to the same three people and two birds THAT AREN’T EVEN OWLS until the game tells him to stop*

Some female rando: I don’t know why I’m having you deliver mail to myself, but at least you don’t suck at this.

Roxas: Well I get to use a skateboard, that helps. *gets up to like maybe twenty-one hundred munny or something, I’m not sure, I last checked at seventeen hundred* Okay, fuck it, going up. *automatically meets up with the others*

Hayner: So what do?

Roxas: Oh, I didn’t get that much, only like A MILLION MUNNY!

Olette: DUDE THAT’S SO AWESOME!

Roxas: How many square watermelons can I buy?

Pence: With a million munny? Like more than ten I bet.

Olette: And yet no matter how much you earn in comparison to us we’ll still have a grand total of five grand. *holds up hand-made pouch*

Hayner: Gimme.

Olette: No. *gives bag to Roxas* So let’s go in and grab tickets, but let’s let the person actually holding the money go last.

Pence: Makes sense to me! *follows her in*

Hayner: FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

Roxas: …Gwah?

Hayner: Get used to it. *punches him and goes inside*

Roxas:Ow? *gets tripped up with a stick and falls to the ground* EVERYONE THINKS THEY CAN BEAT ME TODAY.

Hayner: You trip over your own feet again?

Roxas: Don’t understand why, my shoes aren’t that big…Oh, it’s you.

Riku: Yep, got my payback. Here, let me help you up.

Roxas: Well that’s kind of you, though I would’ve appreciated a gentler touch.

Riku: Yeah, it’s to distract you from me blatantly stealing your wallet.

Roxas: Sorry, what was that?

Riku: I was asking if you could feel Sora.

Roxas: I didn’t hear you, your words are silent in this cutscene for some reason.

Riku: It’s to make it less annoying when you flash back to this exact moment in about a minute.

Roxas: Ah.

Hayner: Dude, we got a schedule to keep here!

Roxas: Be right there…Where did that guy just go? *shrugs and follows the others into the station*

Hayner: Again, why aren’t we making the guy who’s actually paying get the tickets. Fuck it. Four students, please, invisible person who probably doesn’t even exist!

Pence: Roxas, give us moneh!

Roxas: …I does not has moneh.

Hayner: Ah shit, you dropped it when you fell, didn’t you.

Roxas: Or that guy who helped me back up took it while I was distracted from said fall…What a prick!

Olette: …Dude, where are you going? Just outside to see if it’s still there?

Roxas: Or to look for that other dude.

Hayner: What other dude?

Roxas: I know he disappeared as soon as I turned around, but no one runs that…fast…Why are you all looking at me like that?

Hayner: Because you tripped over your own feet and then immediately got up again without any assistance whatsoever. We all saw it, dude.

Roxas: …Am I hallucinating now too?

Train: *leaves*

Pence: Bugger.

Roxas: …Guys, am I going crazy?

Hayner: We’ll talk about it on the top of the clock tower, let me just grab some ice cream for us first. *meets them back up there and everyone starts eating except for Roxas*

Olette: Dude, yours is melting.

Roxas: Oh, sorry, I’m just a little weirded out. Especially since for some reason I’m convinced Pence is in my spot, and for some reason the popsicle sticks seem longer than usual. Also how come none of you actually appear to be eating.

Hayner: Forget about it.

Pence: So you’re saying you saw a guy none of us could see in a black cloak, and he swiped the munny when he helped you up?

Olette: Sure, it disappeared without a trace and shockingly none of us are accusing you of hiding it from us, but we still didn’t see shit.

Hayner: It probably fell out of his pocket when he tripped and it actually is pretty likely that someone found it and ran off with it while we were inside. We can’t discount what Roxas saw entirely, though.

Roxas: And now I’m flashing back to the guy asking me if I could feel Sora, whatever that means. Must’ve been weird in the Japanese version since Sora means sky so it might not’ve been known that he was talking about a person but rather if he was asking me what the sky felt like.

Flashback Riku: Told ya we’d be flashing back to this even though it just happened! Isn’t it better now that we’re getting an added detail, though?

~Restoration at 28%.~

DiZ: Naminé, hurry your shit.

Riku: *is throwing the munny pouch up and down* So why didn’t you create a beach for them to go to?

DiZ: You want more ways for the Organization to get in? We know Axel’s probably there already!

Riku: Then why let Hayner make the suggestion at all? Aren’t these guys computer constructs you constructed? Why can’t you control their actions since they’re just data?

DiZ: Hey. Hey. Hey. Shut the fuck up.

Riku: Fine, but what do I do with this?

DiZ: …Want some ice cream?

Riku: Sorry, your voice is amazing and all but I don’t much like your attitude. Also vaguely sure I’m straight.

DiZ: Fair enough. Anyway, we don’t need it and it probably shouldn’t be here anyway, just get rid of it.

Riku: Eh…Nah. *keeps throwing it up and catching it*

~What a good team they make.~

Chapter Text

~And then, guess what. Can you guess what happens. MONTAGE!~

King Triton: As the Key Bearer, you must already know that one must not meddle in the affairs of other worlds!

Sora: So I should just sit back and let people die, then? People like your daughter, for instance?

King Triton: …ONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING CAN UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

Ariel: *swims up in a fashion similar to Part of Your World* So many places I want to see; I know I’ll get there someday! Or I’ll just settle for growing legs and sticking to one kingdom where I’ll wall the city off for years because once I have my own child it’ll turn out that I inherited my father’s extreme paranoia and even after shit gets better I’ll never leave the place that I’ve settled down at, BUT WHATEVER.

Phil: *reading from a small piece of paper* Thus, I do hereby dub thee “junior heroes” on account of you being fucking children—

Goofy: I am a fully-grown man with a child in COLLEGE.

Phil: Well you all have the mentality of five-year-olds so the title still stands. Besides, with this I’m letting you take part in the games, don’t bite the hand that feeds ya.

Donald: I still protest.

Phil: Again with you not knowing what it takes to be a true hero.

Aladdin: I’m wishing you free right now.

Genie: *is freed* Cool, legs are cool. Also lack of cuffs, that’s pretty sweet…B-But what if Sora doesn’t make it back with Jasmine? What if you just blew your one chance of getting back the love of your life and the heir to all of Agrabah?!

Aladdin: Eh, bros before hoes.

Genie: …One of these days you’re going to have to learn that life isn’t about dreams coming true. It’s a series of compromises and disappointments.

Jack: We are now back at Doctor Finkelstein’s lab. DAMN IT SALLY WHY DIDN’T I LISTEN TO YOU I’M SO ASHAMED.

Sally: You should be, you’re an idiot. But now we’ve learned so we can make Halloween this year the best there ever was, for realzies this time. *holds his hands* This time, we’ll do it together.

Sora: …I never once summoned anything, what am I doing right now.

Mushu: Yeah you never summoned me, what is even happening right now.

Riku: Or are you just becoming more and more arrogant now that you’re the main character in a hugely popular franchise beloved by children and adults alike?

Sora: Riku! What’re YOU doing here?!

Riku: I’m tending to the wounds of a baby bluebird WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M DOING HERE?!

Sora: Oh. The whale ate you too.

Riku: Probably. Either that or I intentionally came here to kidnap the puppet.

Sora: Oh. Okay then. *smiles widely* I missed you, man! What’re you doing here and why am I not glomping you again?

Riku: Possibly sheer surprise on the latter, playing with Pinocchio on the former. He’s just a little kid, I find him endearing and want him to be happy.

Sora: Did you find Kai— yet?

Riku: D’you know, I did, actually!

Sora: I still…can’t believe it. My best friend is evil and my other best friend’s in a coma. Oh and I flew or something. There’s no way either Riku or Kai—’ll believe that, though.

Tinker Bell: *flies around Peter and Wendy before flying around Sora, supposedly indicating a change of loyalty*

Cloud: Cameo. *sashays past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

Sora: *tries desperately not to swoon* I want this guy to be my father and my uncle and my brother.

Goofy: I just came! A-hyuk!

Sora: You’ll find it. I’m searching for something, too.

Cloud: For your light?

Sora: If that’s what we’re calling the power of friendship, then yes.

Cloud: *gets up and hands Sora something* Don’t lose sight of it.

Piglet: Where will you go? What will you do?

Sora: Frankly, my pig, why do you give a damn?

Piglet: Polite curiosity?

Sora: More like invasive annoyance, but I have to go look for my own friends now. Riku’s probably getting really annoyed that I just left him at Hollow Bastion, and I still have to help Donald and Goofy find their King. At least I still have Kai—, though.

Pooh: *waves at Sora* Don’t forget! We shall always be here, should you ever want to visit us again!

Sora: I would not, thanks.

Kai—: My face has been phasing in and out of these flashbacks the entire time.

Sora: Hey. Wait, where are Donald and Goofy, they were just here, I am legitimately confused.

Riku: Are you really that legitimately confused? Or are they just that important to you?

Sora: Hey, man, I only use them for the spaceship and because they insist that sticking by me is their mission. Also Goofy’s semi-useful in combat. That’s all, guy!

Riku: …So you don’t consider these new friends to be more important than your old friends whom you’ve known since childhood?

Sora: …Dude. I’m allowed to have more than two friends in all of existence.

Riku: I disagree. Apparently.

Keyhole: *appears in the blindingly shiny clock face*

Sora: Well that’s pretty cool. *seals the Keyhole*

Riku: So you can completely remember me now, that’s awesome.

Kai—: But not me yet? Come on, bro, get on that shit!

DiZ: Well at least some progress is being made…But I still don’t get it, she was like the first thing he remembered at the end of Chain of Memories, why can’t he remember her anymore.

Naminé: Just standing in front of the sleepy egg thing. This is apparently how I do my job. And now I’m in front of a completely dark background.

Roxas: …Did these possible flashbacks suddenly turn into a wet dream?

Naminé: *turns around and smiles* Well I guess that depends on you.

Roxas: *wakes up and immediately checks for an erection, finding none* Well that’s a relief.

Naminé: I’m in ur room, watching u sleep.

Roxas: Well frankly I find that to be a really unsettling invasion of my personal privacy — and she’s gone. If she was even female. I mean I know I have a stalker but this is getting really unsettling now. Also how do I know this is the third day of the game, why am I suddenly so obsessed with measuring everything in days, it’s not like this is my three hundred and sixty-first day of existence or anything, I’m older than that! *gets changed and heads to the Usual Spot, which is deserted*

Note from Hayner: Yo, I hit up my uncle and he lent me another five grand, which I will be holding onto, thank you very much! But don’t sweat about it, Roxas, no one blames you, just meet us at the station so we can hit the beach for realzies this time.

Roxas: …OKAY, WORKS FOR ME! *runs outside* I love skateboarding. *goes up to Market Street* Hey, Olette, Pence.

Olette: Yo!

Time: *stops*

Roxas: …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t understand what’s going on here. *starts to run forward but nearly barrels into Naminé*

Naminé: ‘Sup, nerd.

Roxas: …‘Sup…Um—

Naminé: *holds up a hand* I wanted to meet you at least once before you’re absorbed.

Roxas: It’s because I’m Jesse McCartney, isn’t it.

Naminé: Nah, that part I could kinda take or leave until you proved yourself to be a decent voice actor, but at this point I didn’t quite know that yet. *walks away and time starts again*

Pence: Olette dragged me along to go shopping before we actually went to the beach.

Olette: Well I need to make a new munny pouch, don’t I?

Roxas: Oh shit, that was homemade?

Olette: Yeah but it’s cool, I want to make a new design anyway. Hey, you wanna grab some last minute things before we hit the beach?

Roxas: …So I’m going nuts again.

Pence: Ooh, what happened this time?

Roxas: Time stopped and I saw a blonde girl in a short white dress that I may or may not have dreamed about last night. She went through to Tram Common, I think.

Olette: Well, while we saw nothing of the kind and should probably get you help or at least go with you to make sure you don’t hurt yourself, we’re gonna go piss off and do our own thing instead.

Pence: Tell us about any other hallucinations you may have! *runs off with Olette*

Roxas: Well that went better than expected. And now I immediately assume that that girl went all the way to the old abandoned mansion because I can tell that from all the way back here. *goes through Tram Common* …No, she’s definitely leading me to that giant hole in the wall that leads to the forest outside that is implied to have been filled up by the time KHIII takes place if I’m understanding the trailers right. *goes into the forest*

Dark Corridor: *immediately opens up in front of him releasing three Dusks that try to grab him*

Roxas: Well that’s definitely a way to keep me from the plot. *runs back into town and into the sandlot*

Seifer: Hey, chicken wuss!

Roxas: Pfft, that was a lame insult in FFVIII and it’s still a lame insult now. Also there are dudes behind me.

Fuu: Weird.

Seifer: Yep, let’s murder them.

Vivi: I don’t see a single one of my staffs anywhere around here so I’m gonna sit this one out.

Roxas: Fair enough. *finds a random Struggle club on the ground and literally cartwheels over to it in order to pick it up* How the balls did I get this acrobatic.

Seifer: *is standing off against a Dusk that’s just standing there*

Fuu and Rai: *have ganged up on another Dusk that’s just standing there*

Roxas: Damn it, why did I get the only enemy that’s attacking back and why aren’t the others attacking their enemies. *slashes at it a few times* Of course, nothing’s happening, why would it.

Seifer, Fuu, Rai, and Vivi: We’re now in the middle of the sandlot for some reason, surrounded by Dusks.

Roxas: …Why did time stop again except for me and these enemies.

Naminé: Roxas! I’m standing on top of a building that you’ll never be able to get to! Just use the Keyblade already!

Roxas: But I don’t know how to activate it!

Dusk: *uses Headbutt and knocks Roxas right into the very first area from Kingdom Hearts II, except there’s a stain glass image of a sleeping Sora instead of Disney Princesses*

Roxas: …Okay, what the fuck is the context for this shit.

Sword, Staff, and Shield: *appear in mid-air*

Roxas: Fuck it, I’m just gonna beat shit up this time around. *chooses the Sword* I can now summon the Keyblade. I think…I think this is my actual Keyblade as opposed to the digital one I was fighting with yesterday. Also why is this the Kingdom Key, I was fighting with Oathkeeper and Oblivion last…What the fuck am I talking about, this is only the second time I’ve ever held one. *is instantly surrounded by three Dusks, which he kills* Thank Merlin for the Reversal move thing. Also I kind of thought these would be harder on Critical. Meh. Wait, I gained Aerial Recovery already?! Damn, better equip that as soon as I can access the main menu again.

Chest: *appears*

Tutorial: So in order to open a chest—

Roxas: Seriously? That’s like the very first thing I learned in my entire life and you’re telling me that chests have things inside of them and that I should open them? Fuck off already. *opens main menu first* …HOLY FUCK THAT’S A LOT OF ABILITIES. I’M ACTUALLY GONNA ENJOY CRITICAL MODE I THINK. *equips Aerial Recovery, Reaction Boost, Finishing Plus, Draw, two Lucky Luckys, MP Hastera, and Damage Control with the FIFTY-TWO AP HE ALREADY SOMEHOW FUCKING HAS. But not No Experience, though, that’d be stupid* Okay, and a Potion from the chest, that figures. I wonder how I know this is a health item.

Pink Door of Plot: *appears behind him*

Mysterious voice: Be careful. Beyond that door lies a completely different world. And by that I mean more of this weird stain glass shit within the foggy dark abyss or whatever. Oh and more monsters.

Roxas: …Is this supposed to be Naminé? Sora himself? Mickey again? Ventus? WHO’S SPEAKING RIGHT NOW.

Mysterious voice: It’s not a hundred percent clear this time. Just go through and kill things.

Roxas: …WELP, GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO. Oooh, a save point. Time to activate my cunning plan. *goes through the Station of Serenity and the Station of Calling like five million times in order to get up to level twelve because fuck you I’m on Critical* Dayum, an Experience Boost? That only activates when I’m less than half my health and I just upped my defense by a shitload and Dusks now basically do nothing to me so fuck it. *equips it anyway and goes through to the Station of Awakening* …Wait, is that cloaked guy supposed to be me? *watches it turn into a Twilight Thorn* …IS THAT MY FINAL FORM?!

Twilight Thorn: Yes. Now keep pressing Triangle in order to win without losing any health. *forces Roxas to hover in the air*

Roxas: Why can I only move when I’m defending myself from an impending attack from you.

Twilight Thorn: *is knocked back and stretches out its arms, throwing Roxas into the air*

Roxas: *uses a Reaction Command to slash down at it, knocking off the stain glass altogether* …Okay, where’d it go?

Twilight Thorn: *manages to upend the entire stain glass pillar…somehow*

Roxas: *stabs the floor with the Keyblade in order to hang on and sees how the Twilight Thorn is summoning a massive ball of energy, so he jumps off the pillar and throws the Keyblade at its face*

Gravity: *rights itself again so they both land back on the stain glass floor, the Keyblade sticking out of it but somehow not shattering it*

Roxas: *grabs the Keyblade and bashes the Twilight Thorn in the face until the pattern starts to repeat again and keeps at it until the boss is dead* Huh. Learned Guard. A move I will probably never fucking use until a mini-game strategy is needed or some shit.

Twilight Thorn: *collapses on top of him and summons a dome of darkness around them*

Roxas: …That voice acting could’ve been better right there, I admit. Oh, balls, I’m sinking into the darkness, that’s not good.

Naminé: Don’t worry, I got this. *yanks him out*

Roxas: *is now in a white space with card-like shapes surrounding them* …Are we in Castle Oblivion, or…?

Naminé: Don’t know. Oh, my name is Naminé, by the way.

Roxas: …And?

Naminé: Do you remember your true name?

Roxas: …This some Earthsea shit?

Riku: *appears and drags Naminé to her feet* Dude, shut it.

Naminé: But I feel like shit not telling him anything he deserves to know!

Riku: So do I, but he’ll probably be happier not knowing.

Roxas: Okay, A, I want our munny back, and B, now I’m gonna stop at nothing to find out what’s really going on here.

Riku: Yeah but no one will believe you so who even cares. *creates a Dark Corridor behind Roxas and pushes him through it*

Rai: He’s been unconscious this whole time, y’know? Let’s take another picture of his humiliation since that worked out so well last time, y’know?

Roxas: …Was I just dreaming that crazy shit where I could actually feel pain when those weaker enemies hit me?

Seifer: Cool it, I’m standing over your unconscious body because that shit’s hilarious.

Roxas: Not really, the longer one is unconscious for reasons other than sleep it can have very adverse effects on the brain.

Fuu: Pussy.

Rai: At least we see those weird silver enemies too, y’know?

Fuu: Easy.

Roxas: Yeah, they were, but what exactly are they?

Seifer: Iunno, probably aliens or something. Who cares, just murder every single one you come across, each time it’ll be taken as self-defense anyway.

Rai: Who cares about the ethics involved, y’know?

Roxas: Hang on, we got some wacky misunderstandings that have to happen now.

Hayner: EVERYBODY BETRAY ME. I’M FEDDAP WIDIS WORL! *runs off in a huff, Pence and Olette right behind him*

Roxas: Oh good, this game’s got one of these. Get the fuck me out of here! *runs after them*

Seifer: Hey! No pussying out of the tournament tomorrow!

Roxas: Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to forget about it in the next thirty seconds! *heads back to the Usual Spot where everyone’s eating ice cream and no one bothers to offer any to Roxas this time*

Pence: So are the hallucinations getting so intense that you thought you were friends with Seifer’s gang or what?

Roxas: Actually the hallucinations are getting so intense that I was suddenly teleported into this black abyss that had circular stain glass floors and stairs where I fought a giant silver monster that may or may not have actually been my own inner self, but nothing could ever convince me that Seifer’s gang is friendly. Except of course Vivi.

Olette: Well naturally.

Roxas: In any case I was hallucinating for several hours, so how was the beach?

Olette: Oh, we didn’t bother going without you. I did get started on my new munny pouch, though!

Roxas: Well that’s good! And at least we have the munny now and I’ve suddenly got over three grand to add to the pot, so maybe we can go tomorrow?

Hayner: You’re a fucking idiot.

Roxas: …Ah, shit.

Flashback Hayner: You and I have to make the finals, so no matter who wins, the four of us get to destroy the trophy together!

Flashback Roxas: Sounds good to me!

Flashback Pence: Don’t fuck it up!

Flashback Olette: And don’t forget to make it as violent as possible, you know how much we love gore!

Flashback Hayner: Let’s bump forearms!

Flashback Roxas: That indeed seems manly, let’s do the manly thing.

Present-day Roxas: …Well aren’t I a big pile of semen, then.

Hayner: You are. *leaves*

~Restoration at 48%.~

Riku: So did Naminé digitally insert herself, or…?

DiZ: No, she entered the digital…plane herself. Which should be impossible since I’ve been sitting right here since we’ve started, but I guess I dozed off for five seconds and she grabbed the first opportunity to fuck everything up. Who’d have thought that a young, teenage being that’s entirely separate from me would be hard for me to control?! Although seriously, I never had this problem with Xehanort or Ienzo, so maybe it’s just a female thing. *punches the monitor*

Riku: Dude, the warranty's up on this, don’t break it! *ducks* Also don’t throw ramen bowls everywhere, I’m the only one cleaning around here!

DiZ: Fine, whatever, as long as Naminé actually does the thing I don’t care anymore.

Riku: …I really don’t like your methods, dude.

~Gee, I wonder if they’re actually good guys since they’re sure not acting like it.~

Chapter Text

~So guess what happens? MONTAGE!~

Sora: …I am now suddenly flying toward the light. Did…Did I just drop dead? Or did Donald fireball me in the back or something, wouldn’t put it past him. *is suddenly hovering* What is this, a library?

Tiny babby Kairi: *vanishes in front of him*

Sora: *getting dragged back into the light* KAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRIIIIIIIII! *jerks awake* …What the fuck just happened.

Riku: Let the Keyblade decide who it wants to belong to! *holds out his hand* ACCIO KEYBLADE!

Sora: NO NOT MY METAL CHOCOBO—wait, why is the flashback only showing the Kingdom Key?

Donald and Goofy: …The fuck what?

Riku: This just means that Maleficent was right! Only I have what it takes to save Kairi! You had no chance the whole time! Only the Keyblade master can open the secret door and change the world!

Sora: Why is Kairi just lying on the floor like that? *runs over to her and lifts her half off the ground, trying to shake her awake* Kairi! Please! Open your eyes! Look up to the skies and see!

Riku: Fuck this. *shoots a ball of darkness at Sora’s face*

Sora: Oh shit.

Ball of darkness: *slowly creeps toward Sora in slow motion*

Goofy: Yeah, this isn’t gonna happen. *blocks ball of darkness with his shield*

Riku: You’d go against the wishes of your king?

Goofy: Well quite frankly I don’t think King Mickey would want us to follow someone who’s clearly fucking evil; we’re kind of on the side of the good guys. Which is why I’m not gonna abandon Sora, because while he is sometimes kind of a dick, at least he’s not fucking evil. Donald, I do not blame you for wanting to stay the course; you two kind of deserve each other, after all.

Sora: Hey, lay off him!

Donald: Yeah, what he sai—

Sora: Riku’s not useless!

Donald:

Riku: …Your heart is weak as shit! That’s why I’m the Keyblade’s rightful bearer, because my heart is strong!

Sora: Sure I have a super-weak heart. I’ll admit to that. But it’s grown stronger with each new experience I’ve undergone and each new friend I’ve made. You’ve only been to a small handful of worlds, I expect, while I’ve gone to each and every one I could find, and made friends along the way.

Donald: What about that world hidden in Merlin’s boo—WAK!

Sora: *stomps on Donald’s foot* I’ve become a part of every single one of their hearts, just as they’ve all become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, then we’ll all miraculously share the same giant heart together somehow! And the heart comprised of a dozen other hearts has got to be pretty frelling strong! *squats in Attack Mode*

Riku: …Why is my Keyblade disappearing?

Sora: BOOSH!

Beast: So, your heart won this battle.

Sora: Or my incredible bullshitting skills, one of the two.

Person who is clearly Xemnas: I am fading in and out like a boss.

Sora: Did you guys hear somethi—WHAT THE FUCK. GUYS SOMETHING JUST WENT RIGHT THROUGH ME.

Xemnas: SITH LIGHTNING!

Sora: I STILL HAVE GUARD EQUIPPED! *blocks lightning, deflecting it into the wall*

Xemnas: Way to damage private property, doucheface.

Rikusem: It is I, Xehanort…I mean Xemnas…Terra…Anse—You know what, forget it, I don’t even know anymore. Just know that I seek darkness. *ambles up to Sora* I shall release your heart now, Princess. Complete the Keyhole with your power and plunge the universe into everlasting darkness! *moves to strike Sora with a downward swipe*

Kairi: SORA, DO THE THING!

Sora: *pulls out Metal Chocobo just in time* Never. There’s no way you’re taking Kairi’s heart! I MUST PROTECT THE SMALL, HELPLESS FEMALE IN ORDER TO ASSERT MY MASCULINITY, BECAUSE I AM A MAYUN!

Goofy: Sora, you’ll die if you do what I think you’re about to do! Kairi’s heart will be safe because her heart is pure and unblemished and can never be darkened, apparently, but yours can still be corrupted!

Sora: *raises Keyblade and turns to Donald and Goofy* I know. And I’ll miss you guys. Even you, Donald, you really grew on me by the end of everything.

Donald: *tearing up* DON’T DO IT!

Sora: *turns the Keyblade around and stabs himself in the heart*

Kairi: *opens her eyes*

Sora: *dissolves entirely into little yellow bolts of light*

Kairi: …Does this mean that I’m the main character now? NOES POWER OF HUGS PROTECT US! *hugs Heartless!Sora*

All Heartless: *suddenly vanish in a sudden burst of light*

Sora: *appears, holding Kairi in his arms* …I thought both my Heartless and my Nobody had to be destroyed before I could go back to normal…BUT OKAY THEN!

Kairi: YAY YOU REMEMBER WHO I AM LOOK AT MY ADORABLE SMILING FACE.

Squall: We may never meet again, except we totally will in a year or so, but we’ll never forget each other. That’s just never gonna happen, no matter what plot-induced incidents occur.

Aerith: No matter where we are, our hearts will bring us together again. Not physically, though, considering this is it forever. Unless of course we continuously find bullshit loopholes in all of this so you can continue visiting more Disney movies, but I somehow doubt that.

Kairi: *grabs Sora’s hand* It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *hands him the thalassa shell keychain she’d been making at the beginning of the game* It’s my lucky charm that I’ve only had for less than a day before our planet exploded, so be sure to bring it back to me, and be sure to not confuse it for a giant tacky yellow star thing that belongs to someone else!

Sora: You got it!

Kairi: Promise?

Sora: Promise.

Kairi: Cross your heart?

Sora: *crosses heart*

Kairi: *smiles* Don’t ever forget. No matter where you go, you will always be in my heart.

Sora: Yeah, whatever, Imma go save the planet now. *goes back into the miasma and seals the Keyhole with ease because that part’s always been the simplest shit in the world*

Roxas: *wakes up* That bonus boss fight with the Superior didn’t happen in the original Kingdom Hearts and even in Final Mix some people aren’t completionists so maybe they might not’ve played that, so what the shit was that about. *sits up* Well at least no one’s stalking me in my room today. Though maybe that was just paranoia. AT LEAST THIS TAUGHT ME A LESSON ABOUT KEEPING PROMISES! *rubs hair* Ugh, three hundred sixty-two days of existence and I still don’t know shit. Why did I just say that. *gets dressed and runs outside*

Some random guy person: DUDE SHIT’S ABOUT TO START!

Roxas: I know, I know. *runs to the sandlot*

Bunch of people: *are cheering on top of buildings* HOW THE HELL DID I GET UP HERE.

Building itself: *is now covered in banners*

Bunch of other people on the ground: We really have nothing better to do than watch teenagers kill each other.

Pence: Wouldn’t it be funny if they took each other out?

Olette: As long as one of them takes out Seifer, I don’t care what happens.

Fireworks: *aren’t really fireworks*

Announcer guy: Ladies and gentlemen and variations thereupon! Struggle fiends of Twilight Town! It’s time for shit to go down! IT’S THE STRUGGLE TOURNAMENT TODAY! NO WE COULD NOT COME UP WITH A BETTER NAME, STOP ASKING! And whoever wins will be able to take on our champion, Setzer!

Rai: Seifer’s gonna be the one to do it, y’know?

Announcer guy: Who knows, maybe the winner will actually be able to beat Setzer!

Pence and Olette: Hayner and/or Roxas could probably do that.

Fangirls: NO SETZER’S GONNA MURDER ALL YOU FUCKHEADS AND OOZE SEX WHEN HE FLEXES THOSE IMPECCABLE PECS.

Setzer: iheart’s never played FFVI so she can’t make any jokes about me other than the fact that I’m probably basically Gilderoy Lockhart only I can actually do things judging by the scars at least.

Announcer guy: Okay, shit’s about to get real, so let’s fucking fight already.

Fireworks: *are still not really fireworks*

Some rando: Okay, it’s my turn to announce who’s actually gonna be competing. And damn do I have a better announcing voice than the guy who organized all this shit. Also I guess my shop’s closed today so I can actually do this. Huh, all dudes in the finals, that’s interesting. So yeah, we got Seifer, no surprises there, um, not sure why Vivi’s such a shock, he’s actually pretty fucking badass if you play FFIX correctly, and Hayner and Roxas for the sake of drama. Roxas, by the way, is my favorite customer, so I won’t be biased in his favor at all, I assure you.

Roxas: Damn it, why won’t Hayner even make eye contact with me anymore, he knows I’m seeing things!

Some rando: And yeah, here’s the trophy they’re all trying to murder each other over: a hunk of swirly metal with marbles attached to it. Ain’t that special. Oh, and they can fight Setzer too and get extra murdered, I guess.

Setzer: I am holding a wrestling belt. I do not look like a wrestler.

Some rando: So if anyone needs a last-minute tutorial on how this game is played, we’ll be waiting and we’ll start whenever they’re ready since they control the plot.

Roxas: And now to talk to EVERAYBODAY. HOLY CHRIST THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE.

Olette: Seifer and his gang went into the back alley if you want to beat him up for a couple more experience points that probably won’t even make a dent in what you need now.

Roxas: Cool, I’ll hit them up in a minute.

Pence: Okay, I know you’re maxed out on Potions right now, but I still feel obligated to tell you that the item shop’s open. Hell, maybe you can sell some of your stock so you actually have room for shit.

Roxas: …Did not know we could even use items in this tournament, thanks. *goes to do the thing* Did you know they’re letting a six-year-old run the shop, what’s up with that?

Pence: Huh. Weird.

Roxas: And we can still do odd jobs if we want as well! I just did the Mail Delivery again for no reason!

Pence: Huh. Weird.

Hayner: ELLIPSIS.

Roxas: …That strikes a particular chord in me, I’m not sure why.

Hayner: Just go over the rules again, since I’m sure you forgot those as well.

Roxas: I…Okay, fair.

Some rando: All participants should hear the rules!

Roxas: Beat guys up, collect more orbs than them, don’t lose health/orbs yourself, keep at it until time’s up.

Some rando: …Have you done this before or something?

Roxas: WHO THE FUCK HASN’T.

Some different rando who I thought was the same rando but it turns out that all blonds look alike to me: Back in the day I used to beat my friends up too. Violence is the only way you’ll get stronger. Try beating up Seifer, that seems fun.

Setzer: You here for my autograph? Sorry, but I’m busy standing around looking fabulous.

Roxas: Damn it, that’s fabulous!

Vivi: I am now a creepy motherfucker.

Roxas: Yeah but you’re an adorable creepy motherfucker. *goes into the back alley*

Rai: Seifer’s gonna win, y’know? It’s not as though the plot won’t advance if you don’t win instead, y’know?

Fuu: Death.

Roxas: Well aren’t you guys a cheery bunch.

Seifer: You said it, now fight me.

Roxas: Okay. *beats him* Wow. Nine EXP. ONLY SIX HUNDRED THIRTY-ONE TO GO TILL THE NEXT LEVEL. THANKS SO MUCH, THIS REALLY HELPED A LOT.

Seifer: Oh fuck off.

Roxas: How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

Fuu: Die.

Roxas: No.

Rai: Y-You just got lucky, y’know?

Roxas: All of you are really sore losers, y’know? *goes to start the tournament because fuck it*

Olette: Seriously, use items. And buy more items.

Roxas: I HAVE FIFTY-THREE POTIONS.

Olette: Buy more items, though.

Pence: Hayner’s stupid and lets his guard down constantly, so CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Setzer: Don’t fuck up.

Roxas: Great.

Hayner: ELLIPSIS.

Roxas: STOP MAKING ME SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU.

Hayner: I'm gonna slice your asshole off!

Roxas: …The butthole? Off?

Announcer guy: *hands each of them a club*

Hayner: *points it challengingly at Roxas*

Roxas: …Sorry my constant hallucinations fucked up everything for everybody yesterday.

Hayner: Oh yeah, we were gonna talk about getting you some help! Heh, can’t believe we forgot to do that.

Roxas: Yeah, too bad it doesn’t look like there are any therapists on this planet. Or any doctors in general for that matter, huh, that’s not optimal.

Hayner: Nope. But we’re here for you and we’ll help you distinguish reality from fantasy aside from the fact that we’ll technically be lying to you the whole time but we won’t know so you can’t blame us. *smiles*

Roxas: True enough. *smiles back*

Pence and Olette: JUST FUCK ALREADY!

Roxas: *gets into Attack Mode*

Hayner: *…gets into a much weaker looking Attack Mode*

Blond announcer guy: Hayner versus Roxas, they’re best friends, there’s sure to be drama, I don’t care, just fight.

Roxas: Wait, where are all our orbs supposed to be, anyway?

Hayner: Hey yeah, remember how in the manga we actually wear padded Velcro gear that holds Velcro balls and shit? And how now they just kind of fall off of us with no clear way as to how we got them or anything?

Roxas: Yeah, it makes no logical sense. Also you may have gotten a few hits in but I got all 200 before the time went up.

Hayner: …Well shit.

Blond announcer guy: YAY ROXAS WINS GO THIS KID FOR NOT EVEN CARING IF HE MURDERS HIS FRIENDS WHAT A GREAT ROLE MODEL. Oh and Hayner fought well too I guess.

Roxas: You okay, lady?

Hayner: *is lying on the floor* I think there may be some internal bleeding.

Roxas: Drama queen.

Hayner: *gets up* Well I think that’s enough fun for one day.

Roxas: Check it, Pence literally lost his lunch to Olette! Ha ha, Olette likes me more than you!

Hayner: So? That means Pence likes me more than you, and you know that’s more important in the long run anyway.

Roxas: This is true.

Hayner: Okay, I’m outta here.

Seifer: About time.

Hayner: You in a rush to lose?

Roxas: No kidding, Vivi’s…right next to me and can now Apparate, impressive, bro!

Vivi: Maniacal laugh…Maniacal laugh…

Roxas: …You planning on casting Doomsday or something?

Vivi: Maaaaayyyyybeeeee…

Roxas: …OKAY, HAVE FUN! *gets off the stage*

Seifer: All right, now to beat up the smallest, most defenseless person on my squad in order to feel like a big man. My child murder boner is erect and I will not have it be softened by the likes of you.

Vivi: …Okay, even if I weren’t possessed I’d still kick your ass, you piece of shit.

Blond announcer guy: So things are going well. Seifer’s got to kill a little kid, the little kid’s got to find some way of defending himself.

Seifer: …So are they gonna tell us when to start, or—

Vivi: SMACK ATTACK!

Seifer: NOT THE FACE! THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED AND IT WASN’T FUN!

Hayner: …I played his game but I still didn’t expect Vivi to be this much of a badass.

Roxas: Against Seifer, though?

Hayner: Good point.

Seifer: *desperately tries to block all Vivi’s attacks*

Vivi: *somehow spews out an orb*

Seifer: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE—

Vivi: *knocks him flat in one hit and apparently wins despite not gathering up any of the orbs*

Blond announcer guy: I blinked, what just happened? Um, Vivi wins I guess?

Roxas and Hayner: *are nomming corn dogs in the manga while both Pence and Olette stuff their faces*

Seifer: That wasn’t Vivi.

Roxas: So, what, it was some guy in Polyjuice?

Seifer: I don’t care. Disembowel him. *walks off into the back alley with Fuu and Rai*

Roxas: …No? *looks across the stage where Vivi’s hat is poking up from*

Vivi: I’m adorably menacing.

Regular announcer guy: So Seifer pussied out of the match to determine third place.

Hayner: I AM OFFICIALLY BETTER THAN SEIFER BOW BEFORE ME MY BITCHES.

Olette: Holy balls Seifer is a sore loser! Guess he just can’t take being so weak, am I right?

Pence: Sure Seifer’s a pussy, but Vivi did seem a little off just now. Still, the beat-him-up strategy will still probably work.

Hayner: Yo, don’t lose, bro, you gotta win for both of us now.

Roxas: I know, I know.

Setzer: Continue to not fuck up.

Roxas: Noted.

Vivi: Still creepy!

Roxas: Still love you anyway! *goes into the back alley again*

Fuu: Cheater.

Roxas: Who, Vivi?

Fuu: Cheater.

Roxas: I don’t really believe that.

Fuu: Pumpkin-eater.

Roxas: …Okay maybe.

Rai: Vivi’s magic’s amazeballs, sure, but his attack stat’s always been super weak, y’know? Something must’ve happened, y’know?

Roxas: Well when you put it like that your confusion suddenly makes way more sense.

Seifer: FIGHT ME AGAIN!

Roxas: Okay, I’ll beat you again. *beats him again and then goes to fight Vivi because fuck Seifer*

Regular announcer guy: Don’t try to get too much blood on the stage, I just cleaned this shit. *hands them both clubs even though Roxas never gave back the other one*

Blond announcer: Okay, let’s get this tournament the fuck over with!

Roxas: *gets hit a few times but still manages to win with the score 134-59, Vivi started kicking my ass by the end* Why am I suddenly in a cutscene? AND WHY DID TIME FUCKING STOP AGAIN?!

Vivi: *turns into a Dusk*

Roxas: Oh great. And my club turned back into a Keyblade. What is going on. I don’t have the slightest clue. I just slapped a cow. *is surrounded by two more and takes all three of them out* Okay, I did the thing, why is time still stopped.

Axel: *is clapping in the back of the crowd* Because somehow I made it stop even though I don’t think Days had Stop magic. Still, that was some pretty good fighting right there, Roxas. Good to see that your skills haven’t dulled that much.

Roxas: …Do I know you?

Axel: Aw, please tell me it’s just the hood. *takes it off* It’s your old buddy Axel, remember?

Roxas: Nope.

Axel: Aw, I’m sad now. Seriously, I’m sick of you always having memory problems all the time. I was hoping that the Dusks could knock some sense into you, or at least jog something, but it looks like that’s a dead end. *summons chakrams* Guess I’ll have to take a whack at ya myself.

Roxas: …Excuse me, could you tell me what’s going on here?

Axel: Sure. This town isn’t real and I’m on a time limit before the person who created it finds me. So if you’re not going to come with me willingly, I have to beat you up quickly and explain everything else later once I drag you off.

Roxas: That does not sound fun for me. Also why is the air warping around us?

Axel: Damn, thought I would have slightly more time than this.

Roxas: Nope, I’m sick of this. I want answers and I want them now. *throws the Keyblade away, so of course it appears in his hand again* …Huh. I didn’t know I could do that.

Axel: Lucky number XIII, Roxas. The Keyblade’s chosen one.

Roxas: Why, though?

Axel: For like fifty million reasons, all of which I’d be happy to exposit if you come quietly right now.

Roxas: Phrasing. Also no. *starts fighting him*

Axel: Ow, my organs! I think I need those to live!

Roxas: Eh, it’s just a myth. *beats him pretty soundly and learns Scan, fucking finally*

DiZ: *Apparates in*

Roxas: And who the fuck are you?!

Axel: Tch. Fucking called it. *sets his chakrams on fire and throws them at DIZ, who apparently learned Barrier*

DiZ: Roxas, this man speaks nonsense!

Axel: Oh yeah, sure, listen to the guy who randomly appeared out of nowhere!

DiZ: You mean like you did?

Axel: At least I’m trying to be fucking honest with him!

DiZ: Whereas I’m trying to do what’s best for him!

Axel: Pfft, are not!

DiZ: Am too!

Axel: Are not!

DiZ: Am too!

Roxas: *sees the air warping around him again* THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP COMPELS THEE! *is suddenly holding the Struggle club again as time starts and everyone is cheering around him*

Vivi: Oh…I fell on my keys…

Blond announcer guy: So that actual Struggle from earlier totally happened, followed by nothing else if import!

Vivi: I’m okay. I’m all right. Not too sure what I’m doing up here but whatever. *leaves*

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: *dogpile Roxas*

Roxas: I AM SO GLAD I DIDN’T ACTUALLY MURDER VIVI, THAT MAKES ME FEEL WAY BETTER.

Blond announcer guy: Ladies and gentlemen and variations thereupon, Roxas won! Settle your bets outside the area, please, there’s enough blood on the stage.

Hayner: *drags Roxas away from the stage* Dude, you zone out again?

Fangirls: WE ARE CHEERING FOR A CHARACTER THAT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT WHEEEEE okay a lot of people probably know about him and we just don't know shit whatever shut up.

Setzer: That’s right, bow before me, my bitches.

Olette: Roxas, I know the match doesn’t actually start until you say it does and time won’t progress until you decide to move on, but can you just fight him already? My feet are killing me.

Roxas: Yeah, sure, no problem. *in the manga he sees someone with a hood leaning against the wall away from everyone else, unclear if Riku or Axel*

Olette: Yeah, Setzer’s pretty fucking strong. I mean, he’d have to be for being the only FFVI character to cameo.

Roxas: Vivi.

Olette: Well, yeah, but IX’s underrated and VI’s a classic to anyone who’s played anything before VII. Apparently. I mean I haven’t either but that’s what I hear.

Pence: So, don't get hit at all, and always hit him.

Roxas:Okay.

Hayner: Everything that Pence just said is true.

Setzer: Yo, we gonna do this or what?

Roxas: In a minute!

Vivi: …Roxas? Why is everyone glaring at me? My game’s not that bad, right?

Roxas: Are you kidding me? It’s my favorite FF game that I’ve played so far! And I don't have a PS4 or an Xbone so that's not likely to change any time soon either!

Vivi: Awww, you’re sweet.

Roxas: Okay, time to get this whole fucking tournament over with. *starts the fight with Setzer*

Regular announcer guy: Okay, last one, let’s end this and go home.

Setzer: Not a problem, I’ll win anyway.

Regular announcer guy: Sure, fine, whatever, just kill each other already.

Setzer: So. Shitbag. Wanna throw the match?

Hayner: Yo! Shitbag! Make sure to kick his ass!

Roxas: …Yeeeaaahh, I’m gonna listen to that guy.

Setzer: Come on. I’ll make it worth your while.

Roxas: I’m not attracted to you, sorry.

Setzer: Why does everyone think that’s a sex thing?!

Blond announcer guy: Setzer’s so powerful that he’s convinced that he can’t beat a fifteen-year-old kid and is begging him to pretend to lose instead! What a guy! We love him so! The winner of this match gets a sick wrestling belt that ups elemental defense so it’s kind of highly prized and you should probably try to actually win it.

Setzer: Oh, you’d like me to think you’re a good guy. But I don’t. I don’t believe you. I don’t believe anything you say.

Roxas: You’re awesome.

Setzer: You’re full of shit, Roxas. *keeps pausing to gloat which gives you ample time to bash him in the face*

Roxas: That's a really cool move that left him wide open in the butt part. *beats him up in the butt part* Oh look at that, I won 171-11.

Crowd: CONGLATURATIONS, ROXAS!

Setzer: Fuck this, I’m outta here. *starts to leave* AND ANOTHER THING—

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: No one cares. *dogpile Roxas again*

Regular announcer guy: Yay you got a belt thing.

Roxas: Yay-face. *holds the belt up over his head like a wrestler and is suddenly transported to the top of the clock tower with the other three* And now to destroy this piece of shit. *takes off the yellow one first* Who’s hyped up the most over the Age of Hufflepuff?

Olette: YO GIMME THAT SHIT! *catches the yellow marble*

Hayner: I’m old school, up Gryffindor. *catches the red one*

Pence: I’ll take Slytherin, I got no problem with Slytherin. *catches the green one*

Roxas: And…I actually don’t identify as a Ravenclaw at all, I just really like blue. *holds it out to the sun* LOOK HOW SHINY IT IS.

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: *hold out their own marbles* HOLY SHIT THAT’S SHINY.

Hayner: FRIENDSHIP TRULY IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

Olette: Also regular magic. *reaches behind her* Accio ice cream!

Roxas: THAT COULD WORK. *stands up on the ledge and falls off of the tower as the screen glitches out* Uh-oh, I ate shit by falling off this building! WHOOPS.

~Do younger kids playing the HD collections for the first time even know what TV static is?~

Kairi: *is walking along the main island of Destiny Islands in presumably her school uniform*

Selphie: Kairi! Wait up! I have to remind everyone that we still exist in these games!

Kairi: Oh yeah, I’m sure everyone felt a burning need for that. *waits for her to catch up* Damn the back of your hair looks stupid when you’re not in sprite-like form.

Selphie: Heh, my bag has a Moogle keychain on it, I never noticed that before. *starts walking with Kairi* So you wanna hit the island today? Tidus and Wakka are too busy building a wall around Home to keep out those filthy Al Bheds and they won’t join me.

Kairi: ...I'm good.

Selphie: Aww! Why not?

Kairi: What, trying to guilt me into it? Ever think that I just don’t want to fucking go?

Selphie: I demand an explanation that doesn’t involve bullshit “introvert” reasons!

Kairi: They’re not bullshit, other people drain me these days! I miss those boys who used to hang out with us — the ones that weren’t disturbingly racist.

Selphie: Oh yeah, that Riku kid who mysteriously disappeared last year that no one ever put out a serious search for. Maybe he drowned or something.

Kairi: Nah, he’s on another planet, he’ll be back eventually.

Selphie: …Riiiiight…

Kairi: And there was another boy as well.

Selphie: …No there wasn’t.

Kairi: Yes there was. Him, me, and Riku were inseparable. I think I was in love with him, specifically, but I can’t remember him for shit now and it’s been bugging me. So I’m not going back until I remember him, which shouldn’t be more than a couple days from now, really.

Roxas: I AM SPEAKING IN YOUR MIND, NAMINÉ.

Kairi: And now I have a headache. Why is there TV static in my brain. *wakes up in a white space in the manga where she has a telepathic conversation with Roxas who’s still falling off the tower*

Roxas: Naminé, what the shit is happening to me this time.

Kairi: Erm, my name’s Kairi, and I have no idea what’s going on.

Roxas: Oh, you’re that girl he’s in love with.

Kairi: PLEASE TELL ME WHO.

Roxas: I’m Roxas.

Kairi: NOT YOU, THE PERSON YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT JUST NOW.

Sora: Oh, I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

Kairi: GASP!

Sora: Well, I’ll give you a hint, anyway. My name is Japanese for “sky.”

Kairi: *wakes up* …Well that was trippy.

Selphie: We should really start thinking about eating enough food to sustain us throughout the day.

Kairi: Now you’re just being silly. *stands up, stares across the island, and starts running towards the shore*

Selphie: Why do I bother. *runs after her* Seriously, Kairi, what’s up with you today?

Kairi: Not much. *throws a bottle as hard as she can into the ocean*

Selphie: You know, you really shouldn’t litter like that. Or look so proud of yourself for doing so.

Kairi: It’s a message in a bottle, moron. I just wrote the poem thing that people see when they wait too long on the title menu of both main games. In essence it means that me and the boy I can’t remember will find each other someday. Also there’s something about a promise the two of us made, but bugger if I can’t remember what it is.

Selphie: …You’re seriously starting to worry me, you know that?

Kairi: What’s the Japanese word for sky?

Selphie: …Damn, all I can think of is the Spanish word cielo.

Kairi: Cielo…S…SORA! SHABAMZO!

Selphie: His name is Shabamzo?

Kairi: …You’re a fucking idiot.

~Restoration at 79%.~

DiZ: This computer image of an outline of Sora’s head slowly being filled up with bright blue computer data means that he’s progressing splendidly.

Riku: How did I get this. *is tossing the blue marble up and down before he puts it in the munny pouch he stole* Also what just happened with Roxas and Kairi.

DiZ: It’s all Naminé’s fault. Her interaction with Roxas put the part of him that contains Sora in contact with Kairi so the three of them suddenly became telepathic, because that’s a thing you can do apparently.

Riku: …Okay, I have so many questions.

DiZ: Naminé’s a freak even among Nobodies. She was born differently which means she’s forever fucked up. She has the power to interact with Sora’s heart and memories, and by extension the hearts and memories of everyone Sora’s ever met in his life.

Riku: And yet, even though a connection with Kairi had literally just been made, and even though she looks exactly fucking like Kairi, I have no idea whose Nobody she is.

DiZ: Let’s exchange information, then. I’ll tell you who Naminé really is if you tell me who you really are.

Riku: … *takes down his hood* Xehanort’s Heartless, but call me Ansem for now, it’s only marginally more confusing.

DiZ: … *starts laughing insanely* DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH, I’M PISSING!

~Man does replaying this game have everything make infinitely more sense…~

Chapter Text

~…Somehow we start off in the Round Room. Is this new? I can’t remember for shit.~

Axel: Why am I the only one with my hood down? Also no I’m not killing my best friend, I don’t care if he can’t remember that he’s my best friend.

Xaldin: Yes you can. We’re ordering you to do the thing. Why aren’t you doing the thing? You’ve killed everyone else who’s betrayed us.

Axel: They didn’t have amnesia! It’s not his fault he doesn’t want to come back!

Xaldin: And yet he purposely walked out on us before he got amnesia. Again. Why aren’t you doing the thing. *summons a lance* Don’t you know what happens if you won’t do the thing? *throws it at Axel*

Axel: *doesn’t even flinch as it impales the chair next to his face, slicing off a few hairs* Bitch I could probably take you. *okay this did happen in vanilla, I remember that part I think*

Xemnas: *holds up a hand to stop Xaldin from fucking up again*

Xaldin: *reluctantly dissolves his lance*

Xemnas: *summons a weird energy ball thing*

Axel: So your plan is to turn me into a Dusk, then? You know, there are these things called words, it might behoove you to learn how to use them.

Xemnas: *remains silent*

Axel: …FINE, I’LL KILL MY BEST FRIEND AND THE PERSON WHO IS THE EXACT IMAGE OF YOUR LITTLE BROTHER, HAPPY?!

Xemnas: Thrilled.

~…Are…Are we not getting a montage today?~

Roxas: *is falling into darkness before jerking awake in bed* …So me falling off the tower and talking to Kairi and possibly Sora counted as the trippy dream of the day? Except was the falling part actually a dream since I somehow know there’s no such thing as fall damage. *heads over to the Usual Spot*

Olette: I AM GLARING AT EVERYONE.

Roxas: Why, what did I do?

Hayner: It’s more what we didn’t do. And I want to enjoy the rest of my vacation so don’t talk to me about homework!

Olette: We’ve had a month to do it, and now we only have three days to do it. We’re fucking doing it.

Roxas: Guys? Hallucination talk again.

Olette: Okay, shoot.

Roxas: Did I actually fall off the clock tower or was that part of a dream sequence that started with me not remembering how I got back to my room?

Hayner: The second thing, we’re not aware of the no fall damage rule.

Pence: Therefore we are quite happy you are alive.

Olette: Enough tangents, we gotta get this shit done so we can actually have a relaxing rest of vacation.

Hayner: Okay, Mom, we’ll do the homework. At least we can pick and choose our own topics. Erm…anyone know of a topic?

Roxas: …Case study of possible schizophrenia using me as an example?

Hayner: I don’t like that idea.

Roxas: Why not?

Hayner: First of all, you know it’s not real. You know you’re seeing things. Actual people with schizophrenia are convinced that they’re right about whatever they’re seeing or believing. Also there have been strange things happening all over town; we couldn’t physically say the word “photo” for an entire day once!

Pence: Which is why we’re not going to do that for school; we’re going to do that because we want to help you and also want to know ourselves. Therefore, they have to remain separate if we’re going to get it done at all, ‘cause you know Hayner’s gonna drag his feet if it’s got school attached to it, no matter how much he wants to help you.

Olette: The plan is to focus on that tomorrow, and a shitton of people are going to help out, even Seifer’s gang who can admit to fighting the guys in white jumpsuits with you that one time.

Roxas: …I’m a little overwhelmed right now and need a walk to clear my head. Anyone want ice cream?

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: …Duh?

Pence: *once Roxas gets back and all of them have popsicles* So on the other side of the planet, there are strange rumors going around about some creepy bullshit that may or may not be happening. There are these steps outside Sunset Station that count differently going up and down.

Hayner: …You sure someone didn’t miscount?

Pence: Don’t spoil the surprise! But there are six other stories like that one, five of them all centered in that other side of the planet if you guys want to check it out, get a change of scenery if nothing else. People have been calling it the Seven Wonders of Twilight Town for some reason even though all of them are creepy as fuck and not wondrous in the slightest.

Hayner: Why not, got nothing better to do, and it seems an easy enough thing to write a report about anyway.

Pence: Cool, let’s split up and look for clues.

Hayner: That sounds safe. Olette and I will look for anything else that’s weird.

Olette: Sure, fine, whatever. *leaves with him*

Pence: Which means you’re with me, Roxas! Now those two are going to stand off and be inconsequential, I’ll exposit occasionally, and you’ll be doing the brunt of all the work, got it?

Roxas: I didn’t expect anything less.

Pence: Okay, let’s head to the station! It’s just up the slope.

Roxas: …I know? But won’t it cost money, though?

Pence: Not if we’re using the town line, which the beach was apparently not connected to.

Roxas: Oh, okay then. *sees Vivi in the back alley*

Vivi: Dayum but I need to get more physically fit. If only I still had the Zeus Mace and still had the Ninja Gear equipped…

Roxas: Yeah, I hear the first thing especially is really hard to find.

Vivi: You have no idea. *waves as Roxas heads to the sandlot*

Rai: None of us are even gonna bother with homework, y’know?

Fuu: Stupid-face.

Setzer: I’m gonna keep getting stronger. By walking in place like this.

Announcer guy: THAT WAS THE HYPEST SHIT, GUY! Hope you stick around till the next tournament!

Roxas: …Yeah, I don’t really see that happening…

Seifer: FIGHT ME AGAIN!

Roxas: You really like losing, don’t you. *beats him again*

Seifer: I AM A MAYUN!

Roxas: No, you’re just a little boy.

Seifer: I AM NOT A LITTLE BOY!

Roxas: Yes you are. *heads back up to Market Street*

Olette: Hayner said he’s gonna find out shit. He’s already up at the station I think.

Roxas: Okay. *goes up to the station*

Hayner: Yeah, I couldn’t find out about shit, you guys go do whatever, I’ll just meander on over there eventually. And by eventually I mean like in two seconds.

Roxas: *enters the train station and suddenly Pence is right there next to him*

Pence: Well I had a decent voice actor up to this point…Hey, do you think we’ll find new places to stash bodies on the other side of the planet?

Roxas: Hey yeah, that hasn’t been brought up in a while, that might be a thing!

Pence: Well yeah, I mean, Seifer’s gang’s too high-profile, you three have managed to stay on my good side, and there’s no one else I’ve really felt like killing recently. Might just be an end of vacation slump, though, I’m sure there’ll be plenty more blood flowing once school actually starts up again.

Roxas: I don’t doubt it. *turns to see Hayner and Olette walking towards them* So did you find more shit, or…?

Olette: We didn’t really bother asking anyone. Yes, I know I’m the one that’s been nagging you guys, but I don’t want to put in any more effort than I have to either, I’m not insane like Roxas.

Roxas: Dude, my brand of insanity has nothing to do with wanting to do more homework.

Olette: Heh, I thought not.

Hayner: I talk a big game of us doing better than you, but we all know Roxas is gonna do all of the work anyway.

Olette: Which is fine since we’re gonna be writing it up for him at least.

Roxas: So let’s all go, I guess?

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: Yeah, sure. *get on the train with Roxas, and on the way they all take out their marbles and stare at them*

Roxas: *reaches for his marble but it’s nowhere to be found* …I might cry.

Hayner: *once the train stops* Olette! Hurry! Get into position by one of the areas Roxas has to investigate and then don’t leave until the plot says so!

Olette: Roger!

Roxas: So are these the steps?

Pence: We are now going to make fun of Rai for possibly having a learning disability.

Roxas: …I don’t like this plan.

Pence: I’m just saying, he’s the one who counted wrong going up and down.

Roxas: “I’m just saying” is not the most valid excuse for everything.

Pence: Sometimes it is.

Roxas: No. Though now we know Hayner was right and this was a total waste of time.

Pence: Not a complete waste, we can still disprove the other six things as well.

Roxas: I guess…

Old lady: You come from the other side of the planet? I’m going there now to visit my grandchild.

Roxas: *goes back to Central Station by accident* …Okay, where did these treasure chests come from. Also why am I the only one who notices them. Also also why am I the only one compelled to open any of them. Ooooh, a Hi-Potion! *goes back to Sunset Station*

Pence: So while you were gone, I just made a map of all the other shit we have to find based on the info I got.

Roxas: …There’s only five things on here.

Pence: All in due time, my young Padawan. And now I can teleport to wherever you are!

Roxas: Terrifying.

Random woman: These seven wonders are all probably bullshit.

Hayner: There are lots of sketchy places to check you, like dead ends and tunnels! LIKE THIS ONE RIGHT THE FUCK HERE.

Roxas: Okay, fine, I’ll check this out for you. Just, y’know, be sure to watch for anything weird, even if it’s just my behavior, okay?

Hayner: Ignore you completely, got it!

Roxas: Hurg. *goes into the alley and touches the back wall, and suddenly tan dodge balls start phasing out of it* …Dafuq. *dodges most of them while getting knocked back by a couple but eventually makes it to the back wall, causing the screen to glitch out*

Pence: I’ve been standing in one place for forever, but now seems as good a time as any to check up on Roxas. *sees a ball floating out of the alley and sees Roxas standing at the end of it* Roxas, stop dicking around, we gotta mark this one as false now.

Roxas: Erm, okay.

Dark Corridor: *momentarily shows up behind them as they leave*

Olette: How’s it going? This place by the waterfall or whatever looks suspicious to me, so I’m checking it out! By standing off to the side of it and waiting for a big tough man like you to check it out for me!

Roxas: Well since you’re here and this is a big, open area, would you mind just watching what happens?

Olette: This trolley that keeps coming by us sure is fascinating, isn’t it?

Roxas: I’m up to my tits in morons. *goes to check out the small man-made waterfall that shows a perfect reflection of himself…that steps forward and walks right through him, turning into a Shadow Roxas, which Roxas defeats without even thinking about it and makes the screen glitch out again*

Pence: Ah shit, Roxas collapsed again. *runs up to him as he gets up* This is getting worse, isn’t it?

Roxas: Yeah, no kidding.

Pence: Dayum, who knew falling water could create that clear a reflection! Okay, unlike that stupid ball-throwing one which is people just fucking around, I could see how this could actually throw someone off. So check that one off the list I guess. *walks away*

Roxas: And now I’m seeing myself. Great.

Shadow Roxas: I’m still in the waterfall, bitch!

Olette: I contributed absolutely nothing!

Roxas: As always, you’ve been a huge help!

Some dude: This town is connected by several tunnelways, some of which have finally been opened today for you to explore.

Roxas: About damn time. *goes into the tunnel* Hey, Vivi, what’re you doing here?

Vivi: KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!

Roxas: Oh good. *defeats all of them, making the screen glitch out again*

Actual Vivi: Roxas, what’re you doing here? *ambles up to him* Were you training down here? Here’s a Struggle club if you need it.

Roxas: That’s sweet of you…but maybe that’s not a good idea.

Vivi: Why not?

Roxas: I’ve been having some weird hallucinations lately. Like, just now, you were down here and you managed to clone yourself several times and all of you ganged up on me and each time I took one out you phased out of existence.

Vivi: Well there are other Black Mages, it’s true, but I’m actually the smallest one ever made, to my knowledge, so were those bigger, or…?

Roxas: No, they all looked exactly like you. I’m not talking vaguely similar, I’m talking exact.

Vivi: Oh. Well I’m afraid I can’t help you there.

Roxas: That’s okay. See you later?

Vivi: Hopefully. *leaves as soon as Pence walks in*

Pence: Oh, so the mysterious voice that I’ve just decided people have been hearing is just Vivi and/or others training in here. Damn, I’m gonna have to find a new place for the bodies…

Roxas: This is true, but also maybe there’s something in the surrounding water or something? Because I just hallucinated a shitton of Vivi clones that were all attacking my face. And I…don’t have the lowered health bar to prove it, never mind…

Pence: Yeah, we’re gonna have to talk about you seeing a professional by the time school starts.

Roxas: No kidding.

Vivi: *turns into a Dusk and fucks off*

Roxas: Damn it, still can’t go into the tunnels yet. And for some reason I really want to, I find the familiar layout comforting for some reason.

Some dude: Not me, I hate these tunnels!

Roxas: Then what’re you doing in them.

Some dude: …MY HEAD IS MADE OF BUTTER!

Roxas: Fantastic.

Some dude: I’M A PRETTY POMEGRANATE!

Roxas: *very quickly exits the tunnel* Only one place I don’t think I’ve checked yet…

Some other guy: Have you been to Sunset Hill? The sunset there is breathtaking! Long ago, my wife and I would have so much wild, sticky sex there and…Ah, never mind.

Roxas: Brain bleach aside, I read that too fast and thought you said Silent Hill. Which made me think of Silent Hills. Which made me sad. Especially since back when I was taking notes for this section we’d just gotten the news that Junji Ito was also on board helping out. Which made me more sad. I’m gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days now. *goes up to Sunset Hill*

Little boy: My dog fucked off. Don’t know where he went.

Little girl: CLIMB, BITCH!

Roxas: *gets to the top* Why is there a statue of the clock tower here. Also why is there a garbage bag not stuffed into any of these three trash cans?

Bag: *starts moving*

Roxas: Oh no, that kid lost his dog, I ain’t hitting this! *jumps on it instead and holds on as it jumps over trash cans until it loses all its energy*

PUPPEH!: *is removed from the bag*

Pence: …What’s with the rampant animal abuse?

Roxas: I SWEAR TO MERLIN HE WAS IN THE BAG WHEN I FOUND HIM.

Pence: I do not doubt it. *watches the dog walk away* Someone’s gonna have to talk to that kid. At least we put a stop to it; forget the seven wonders bullshit, we’ll probably be given some kind of credit for stopping animal abusers!

Roxas: You’re right, I definitely will!

Pence: Heh, fair.

PUPPEH!: *is not actually a puppy but is in fact a Dusk*

Roxas: Wait, how’d we get back to the start of the area. Also all of that was total bullshit except when I was hallucinating again.

Pence: Okay, saved the best for last.

Roxas: But there are two left—

Hayner: All right, last one for today!

Olette: It’s that haunted ghost train or whatever.

Pence: This one’s an old one, you’d have to be an idiot not to know about it.

Hayner: Sh-Shaddup!

Roxas: Where’s it at?

Olette: You can see it coming from Sunset Hill, apparently.

Roxas: …THEN WHY DIDN’T WE STAY THERE.

Pence: Let’s go solve the mystery of the Sunset Hill ghost train! This one’s gotta be real! I can feel it! Well, at least I think I can…

Olette: To think that dog was trapped inside that bag. I think I’m gonna throw up. Still, that reflection shit was cool.

Hayner: People throwing balls and an echo in the tunnels that were just people hanging out…The “seven wonders” are more like the “seven misunderstandings.”

Roxas: Seriously, my hallucinations would’ve made for a more exciting paper than anything else. *goes back up to Sunset Hill with the other three*

Pence: If what the legend says is true, we’ll be able to see it coming up the tracks pretty soon. It’s apparently empty as shit; runs on magic or something. Even the Hogwarts Express can’t manage that!

Hayner: Cool. *plops his ass down on the grass*

Pence, Olette, and Roxas: *follow suit*

Olette: *after several hours of waiting* No, seriously, we’re going to the fucking beach next year.

Hayner: I’ll talk to my uncle first next time, and the rest of you start saving up too.

Seifer: Hey look, a bunch of losers, how delightful. What’re you all up to?

Hayner: You really want to know?

Seifer: Nope. Tell me anyway.

Hayner: No.

Pence: Seeing if the ghost train is actually a thing.

Hayner: Pence!

Pence: What? If I answer him maybe he’ll go away!

Hayner: Ah, point.

Seifer: We were literally unable to say the word “photo” a few days ago and yet I think this concept is ridiculous.

Roxas: COME AT ME, BRO.

Seifer: Why does looking at you always piss me off?

Roxas: Homoerotic tension?

Seifer: But Rinoa’s my ex, though.

Roxas: You could be bi.

Seifer: I don’t think you’d be my type either way.

Hayner: And what exactly is your type?

Seifer: Someone cooler than you shitbirds will ever be. *hits his own chest and walks off*

Olette: Seifer, wait!

Seifer: We’re doing the thing tomorrow, I know, don’t nag.

Roxas: …You with him now? That’s cool.

Olette: No, I’m reminding him that we’re all helping you out tomorrow.

Roxas: Ah. I’m getting overwhelmed again. *turns away* DUDES I SEE THE GHOST TRAIN.

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: …Sorry?

Yen Sid’s train: I’m a train. *goes through the tunnel*

Roxas: I didn’t see anyone inside the windows! Finally, a confirmed thing that I didn’t hallucinate through!

Hayner: Erm…

Olette: Uh…

Pence: That is…

Roxas: We gotta go to the station, see if it stops there!

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: Roxas no.

Roxas: Roxas yes! *leads them all up to the station* Wow, it’s right the fuck here! I don’t care if we may never return, let’s try going inside!

Hayner: Roxas, you’re scaring me now. *grabs his arm to prevent him from getting on the train*

Roxas: What’re you talking about? *turns back to see the ghost train no longer there and the normal train just about to pull in, Fuu and Rai being among the passengers that get off*

Pence: …Maybe we should go back?

Roxas: I’m schizophrenic, aren’t I. I actually believed it that time.

Hayner: Probably just because we were hyping it up so much that your brain convinced itself that it saw something.

Olette: It happens more often than you might think. And not only are you usually better about this, but we caught it early enough that we can get help without you hurting yourself.

Hayner: So I think that old lady over there was staring at you like you were a crazy person, so we should probably get you home before anyone else tries to publicly embarrass you. *shoves Roxas onto the train*

Pence: *one train ride later* Sure hope that ride back wasn’t awkward or anything!

Hayner: Whatever, let’s just get back and finish that paper so we can be fucking done already.

Pence: “Everything was fucking wrong.” And now stretch that to three-to-five pages.

Olette: We talk about how we forced Roxas to investigate every single one of them and how everything was fucking wrong? I can bullshit that no problem.

Hayner: You’d be able to say that if this wasn’t complete dogshit. So it’s more like you adapted to the dogshit faster. Because you’re used to the smell.

Roxas: Okay, I know I’m not hallucinating how we were supposed to work out seven wonders and yet I only checked out six of them.

Hayner: I DON’T WANNA DO ANY MORE WORK.

Roxas: I don’t mind, I’ve been doing everything else. Pence, wanna come? Or at least point me in the right direction?

Hayner: You two have fun, I’m gonna get the printer set up so Olette can type it out without any issues. *leaves*

Olette: Honestly, Roxas, it’s not that important, I can make something up.

Pence: …If you really want to go, it’s at that haunted mansion. I won’t specify what it was, and even though we’ve just established that you may or may not have a mental disorder and probably shouldn’t be left on your own for a while, go and check it out yourself if you’re really that interested. *leaves with Olette*

Roxas: …Okay, I will go, fuck you guys.

Pence: The hole in that Tram Common wall leads to the haunted mansion.

Roxas: I know?

Pence: But it’s just a rumor. Don’t get your hopes up.

Roxas: You’re just saying that because everything else so far was just a rumor.

Pence: …Kinda, yeah.

Hayner: Give it up already. The seven wonders weren’t wonders at all. If you’re still not convinced, you can go to that mansion by yourself. Again, even though we probably should chaperon you.

Olette: A mansion beyond a hole in a wall and the woods…That fits the description of a haunted house, but it’s just a rumor, okay?

Roxas: …I don’t get it, everyone was hyped to catch ghosts in the mansion in the manga version. What changed apart from the fact that the gate’s fucking locked as shit? *goes to the mansion* WHAT A MANSION.

Pence: Okay, I couldn’t leave you alone so I followed you. Also we figured this is the most suspicious place on the whole planet so it probably held the secrets to whatever was wrong with you, not to mention it was the place where the photo-thief was hiding in the first place. Hayner even asked Seifer to help out.

Roxas: Oh yeah, how did that go.

Pence: He actually agreed, wanted some answers of his own.

Naminé: *is in the window on the left*

Roxas: …I’m going to ignore that for now. So, uh, what’s the rumor we’re debunking, anyway?

Pence: That there’s a girl in the window on the left even though the place is deserted.

Roxas: You mean how I’m looking at Naminé right the fuck now? *somehow ends up getting sucked inside the White Room in a first-person view* I don’t care if these were done in crayon, these landscapes are gorgeous. Don’t really recognize this one with the mountains though, is this supposed to be the main island of Destiny Islands, the one people actually live on? And that’s the Hollow Bastion Keyhole, obviously, um, that one looks like the hotel in Traverse Town…That one’s Kairi with a paupu fruit, that’s cute…

Naminé: You really like my drawings?

Roxas: Of course, they’re really good. Erm, where are you right now? Also…This looks like me and Axel from the back, only I’m wearing one of those cloaks as well. And the other two…One’s got his arms crossed so it’s got to be Xaldin, and the other’s got some blue at the top so it’s probably Saïx. How the fuck do I know this. Also why am I hanging out with Axel.

Naminé: Because the two of you are bestest friendly-friends with plenty of shipping fodder between you so why wouldn’t I draw the two of you together?

Roxas: I don’t see it.

Naminé: …Don’t you want to know what everyone’s been hiding from you? Secrets about you that even you don’t know, largely because you’ve forgotten?

Roxas: You say that as if my memory’s been modified or something.

Naminé: Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to…In fact I’m probably the one who did…

Roxas: I’m just gonna ignore that for the time being. *checks out another drawing*

Naminé: You know those three, don’t you?

Roxas: The color schemes says Sora, Donald, and Goofy…but this isn’t exactly your best work.

Naminé: I know, I do better with landscapes than with people, it’s something I’ve been working on. So the plot of Chain of Memories is that I was forced to take apart Sora’s memory piece by piece, but now I’m trying to make up for it by putting it back the way it was, as per his request. Fuck, if all goes according to plan I should be done tomorrow. The thing is, you’ve been affected by his regaining his memories, in more ways than one.

Roxas: Is that why I’ve been experiencing dream montages of previous parodies?

Naminé: Exactly. You and Sora are basically clones of each other, and in order for Sora to become a complete person again, he needs to fuse with you, Roxas.

Roxas: …Can I ask why?

Naminé: Some of his memories found themselves inside you, due to a convoluted method featured in Days that for some reason I have trouble figuring out myself. It’s as if an entire chunk of that plot is missing or something, but never mind that right now. The plot demands that you get inside him, Roxas.

Roxas: Phrasing. Also I’m sitting across from you at the table now. So…I never asked who you are, really.

Naminé: Because of reasons, I have the ability to manipulate Sora’s memory and those of the people around him.

Roxas: …Boy must you have been exploited.

Naminé: You got that fucking right. I don’t know why I have this power, though, apart from it being needed to form Chain of Memories’ plot. Aside from fixing things I’ve already fucked up, there’s probably not a decent way for me to use it.

Roxas: Well I’m kind of entirely against memory modification in the first place. I can’t blame you if you were forced into it since decisions made at gunpoint are never your own, but anything that doesn’t involve fixing shit or doesn’t have the other party’s complete consent…

Naminé: I fully agree with you.

Roxas: …So if my memory was also modified, I guess I would like to know. Who am I? Or who did I used to be?

Naminé: …Someone who was created entirely by accident. Well, the act itself was purposeful, but you weren’t created with any sort of purpose, really.

Roxas: …Could you just outright tell me what I’m supposed to be instead of being outright cruel?

Naminé: But it’s the truth. Hell, I’m not either.

Roxas: Doesn’t really make me feel better.

Naminé: I know, I fucked this up.

Roxas: And now I’m back outside.

Pence: And now I’m freaking out. Did you at least see her?

Roxas: Yeah, she’s in the corner of that window.

Pence: The one with the curtains blowing in a way suggesting that someone’s there when they’re really not?

Roxas: Also a hallucination of a girl in a white dress that matches the curtains and light blonde hair that almost blends in anyway. Been seeing her a lot, to be honest.

Pence: …Yeah, we’re getting you help tomorrow. Let’s head back to the Usual Spot, that sure as shit ain’t fake.

Roxas: Sounds good. *follows him back there*

Olette: So what do?

Pence: Either a blonde in white like Roxas thinks he saw — again, I think he just sees what he expects to see — or a white curtain flapping in the drafty breeze. Which might well be me seeing what I expect to see, to be honest. Fuck, maybe we’re both right somehow.

Olette: Well I already typed out the second suggestion and everything’s printed and ready to hand in. Hayner’s waiting for us at the clock tower again.

Roxas: Cool.

Olette: You know, we only have this one last day together.

Roxas: …What?

Olette: I said we only have two more days until summer ends.

Roxas: Ah. *follows them up to where Hayner’s already sitting with some ice cream*

Hayner: Tomorrow, we search the town and find out if Roxas’s hallucinations have any merit to them whatsoever.

Pence: The day after that will apparently have some kind of fair going on.

Olette: Then school starts again.

Hayner: Baby…You’re hot…There’s this line between hotness and holy shit shut your fucking mouth that you are rapidly approaching.

Pence: No, keep goading him though, it’s fun.

Roxas: …I feel like shit.

~Dayum I make these guys more supportive than they ever were in-game.~

DiZ: *is sitting in one of the rooms in the mansion* How is this chair still intact when this table’s busted to shit.

Riku: *walks in* Why did you physically show him the train?

DiZ: I think I might actually be feeling bad for the kid but don’t want to admit it. He didn’t get to go to the beach, so I threw him a bone.

Riku: By letting his “friends” think there’s something mentally wrong with him?

DiZ: Ah, you saw through my clever disguise. Also apparently you were meant to start forgetting shit about Sora this whole time despite clear evidence to the contrary.

Riku: Doesn’t matter, whatever clearly didn’t happen is fixed now anyway.

DiZ: Same with everyone else from the last game who met Sora and suddenly forgot about him; they’re all starting to remember he existed. Very soon, they’ll all be kicking themselves for being dumb idiots.

Riku: *sits in another chair* …Seriously, though, what are your ultimate plans, I don’t want to be working with a villain here.

DiZ: I’m just out for revenge.

Riku: …And you want to use Sora as a tool for your own gain.

DiZ: Changing the subject completely, you need to kill Naminé once we’re done here. She’s outlived her usefulness, after all. Ansem, do the thing.

Riku: …Yep, I’m working for a villain.

~Nice to see yet another person who never does their own fucking dirty work.~

Chapter Text

~You see a montage — Of course you see a montage, why wouldn’t you.~

Restoration: *is at 97% apparently*

Goofy: Gawrsh, are those little rocks in the middle of this giant endless ocean we can somehow walk on that ends in a giant white abyss underneath a pink and purple sky the only things left of the worlds that were taken by the Heartless?

Sora: All those planets, though…I wonder if a fragment of my islands is here as well. Do you really think they’ll all really burst back into existence once we murder Ansem?

Donald: Except for all the worlds in BBS that we never travel to, and the ones you and Riku’ll have to personally restore in 3D, you betcha!

Sora: But, if we do beat him, saving the universe and countless lives and planets in the process…what’s going to happen to this, for lack of a better word, planet? And to the people who are on it? Meaning us?

Chernabog: Hey, remember when I was the final boss before everything became needlessly complicated? NEITHER DO I! LET’S DO THIS!

Sora: …I love this game. So, so much — RIKU! Still in the dumbest outfit ever!
Rikusem: Oh come on, you know you love it! *turns around and becomes full-on Ansem…’s Heartless but we’re just gonna call him Ansem*All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it; it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature.
Sora: …Is that a play on how the womb is where life is created and it happens to be really dark until a child is actually born because there’s no light source in a uterus? And how as people grow up, they tend to grow more cynical and realistic, losing a great deal of that childlike outlook on the world as a little bit more of their innocence is stripped away each day? And are you also talking about how stars and planets form in the blackness of outer fucking space?

Ansem: I’m behind you now. In the end, every heart returns to the darkness whence it came.

Sora: A, how did you teleport, and B, I think you’re talking about death now. Which may be nothingness, may be returning to the earth or whatever, may be a bright white train station that leads you “on,” who even knows.

Ansem: Enough of your drivel! One day you will learn that darkness is the heart’s true essence! *hand forms not quite a fist and trembles as he pulls it down*

Sora: Is your hand okay?

Ansem: Still trying to get used to the new body.

Sora: Oh, okay. Also you’re wrong.

Ansem: Am I?

Sora: Yes. The heart may be weak. And sometimes, it may even give in. Which is when you get medicine for that if you live in a place with universal health care/pray your insurance will cover that shit. But there is always a source of inner strength that never fades, if one only knows where to look for it.

Donald and Goofy: *get sucked into a portal and disappear*

Ansem: *is shirtless and is wearing tight leather black pants and what looks like a matching black codpiece. And people think fangirls are reading too much into things when they make nearly everyone flamboyantly gay. I mean, they probably are, but Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama is making it a little easy for them. Kun*

All the shit Ansem’s connected to: *blows the fuck up*

Ansem: How did I get my jacket back. Bah, it matters not. *writhes momentarily and turns to the door* KINGDOM HEARTS! FILL ME WITH THE POWER OF DARKNESS! I SWEAR I WILL BUY EVERY GAMING PLATFORM THAT’S NECESSARY TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR CONVOLUTED UNIVERSE!

Sora: I don’t think so. I know now, without a doubt, that all but 2.8 and III have been ported to the PS3, so you’ll really just need that and a PS4 and that’s it now! And a mobile device too I guess...Anyway, KINGDOM HEARTS IS LIGHT INCARNATE FOR THOSE WHO CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD PS4S! AND 3S! AND MOBILE DEVICES! WITH SERVICES OR WIFI!

Ansem: Huh. *is holding his arms out as he dissolves into light*

King Mickey: You can close it from that side and I can close it from this side!

Donald and Goofy: Okay. *shoves on their door*

Sora: *shoves on his door*

Riku: Sora? Take care of her. Make her your priority, not me, okay?

Sora: Save you and take you home so all three of us can be together again, got it.

Riku: Wait that’s not what I—

Door: *closes in his face*

Sora: *raises Keyblade up; it shines with starlight I guess, there were star-like shapes of light surrounding it for a second there*

King Mickey: *mimics Sora on the other side*

Door: *glows with bright golden light and blue sparkle power, turns blue, and vanishes*

Kairi: Where did this sand and water come from and why do our graphics suddenly look way better.

Sora: Kairi! The island seems to be quite literally forming around you!

Kairi: Sora! You managed to do the thing!

Sora: Looks like!

Ground that the door to darkness was located on: *breaks away from the rapidly forming Destiny Island*

Kairi: Wouldn’t it suck if I fell into the abyss just now?

Sora: You’d probably just be in the ocean or something. *grabs her arm to prevent her from falling anyway* Kairi, remember what you said before?

Kairi: That you would always be in my heart?

Sora: Yeah!

Kairi: You’re about to say something really romantic now, aren’t you?

Sora: No matter where you go, there you are.

Kairi: Aww — Wait, the fuck

Sora: I’ll be back at the end of KHII, for like two seconds, and then I’ll immediately leave you again for 3D! I promise!

Kairi: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Their hands: *break away*

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: And now we’re on some random path somewhere. Fascinating.

Sora: Trees’re nice, though. And the grass. And I’m digging that blue sky, this actually feels more open and bigger than anywhere else we’ve been.

Donald: Sure, but what do we do now? And where and how did Goofy and I get different outfits?

Goofy: …What world are we even on right now, is this leading up to what used to be the Land of Departure or what.

Sora: We’ll figure that out later, right now we have to spend like two-and-a-half games searching for Riku and King Mickey.

Goofy: But where are we supposed to find that door to the light the King was talking about? Or rather the door to darkness since that’s where they actually are right now?

Pluto: How long have I been carrying this and is this where I’ve been this whole time, what even is my purpose in these games…

Donald: No fucking way…

Goofy: Yo, Pluto! Where’ve you been this whole time, and how did we not see you until now, this is kind of a huge field and there are no trees immediately in the vicinity.

Sora: Look at what he’s got in his mouth!

Donald: …It’s an envelope.

Goofy: With the King’s seal on it!

Sora: Hey! Have you seen King Mickey?

Pluto: *runs off*

Sora: …Why didn’t he answer?

Goofy: Don’t be silly, dogs can’t talk!

Sora and Donald: *stare blatantly at Goofy*

Goofy: What?

Sora: …Let’s just follow him.

Donald: Good idea…

Sora: *stands up and wanders away from a sleeping Donald and Goofy like a smart person* There’s more than one direction now, that’s a change.

Cloaked figure behind him: Hey.

Sora: HOLY FUCK WHO ARE YOU—aaand you can teleport. Great, that’ll be fun for me.

Cloaked figure: Over here.

Sora: Oh, hey. Why’d you teleport away again?

Cloaked figure: ‘Cause it’s fun to fuck with you.

Castle Oblivion: Nice transition, though.

Sora: Some of those roofs and spires make no sense to me. To the point where my brain just fizzles out but really it’s because I can’t remember anything beyond this point.

Xemnas: *is in the Realm of Darkness with Roxas walking up to him; both have their hoods up* I’ve been to see him. Which must mean that continuity puts my optional fight with him in Final Mix at about six days after he turned into a Heartless and you were created. Good to know. He looks a lot like you. Not as much as Ventus, but age him up a year and change his hair and you two would still look exactly the same.

Roxas: I don’t think we’ve met yet, and if we have I don’t remember.

Neoshadows: *come up from the ground behind him as he walks through the rain like a badass with his hood up*

Roxas: Hmph. Cakewalk. *summons Oathkeeper and Oblivion again, twirling them around just because he can and kills them all easily*

Riku: I’M ON TOP OF A BUILDING!

Roxas: Neat. *jumps over a bunch of Neoshadows that he somehow didn’t take out yet and starts running up the building, throwing Oblivion at Riku’s face*

Riku: *dives down and catches it* …Suddenly I’m having a hard time remembering…something.

Roxas: As am I. *gets about level with Riku as he’s falling*

Riku: How are you doing that, by the way? *keeps falling*

Roxas: I don’t know, actually, this is new for me. *leaps on top of the building and stares at Riku as he has a slight headache but still manages to murder every Neoshadow that comes at his face, with Oblivion no less* …Okay, that’s pretty fucking badass. *jumps down way faster than Riku did and joins him in the slaughter*

Riku: *still holding on to…absolutely nothing, what am I even typing right now* Hey, should we fight now?

Roxas: Yeah, okay. *they both leap back*

Riku: I am now defeated apparently. *falls on his ass* So…have you ever asked yourself why you even have the Keyblade in the first place?

Roxas: N-No! Shut up, b-b-baka! *tries to strike Riku but wakes up before he could land the blow* …Okay, I’m pretty damn skippy that I was actually in those dreams myself, though I can’t remember shit. *gets out of bed and we see an overlay of Sora as he moves* Oh yeah, he does not need shoes that fucking big.

BIRBS!: We’re just flying past, nothing to see here.

Roxas: Righty-ho, then. *heads down to the store first* Hello? I’m just here to pick up some ice creams? Why is the place deserted? I’ll just leave my munny on the counter, I guess? *heads over to the Usual Spot* Man, I could not sleep at all last night even though I clearly did since everyone saw my dreams and shit. Oh well, who wants ice cream for breakfast?

Olette: All it takes is one bad experience as a kid, and you’re done. Forever.

Hayner: What type of bad experience has ever happened with marshmallows to anyone ever?!

Pence: I ate one, and I was like ew.

Roxas: …Guys? *reaches out for Hayner and his hand passes right through him*

Olette: It’s a zinger, I got you.

Hayner: Which zinger was it.

Olette: Shut up. Let’s just move on.

Hayner: Okay. I missed it.

Pence: Yeah. It was really good apparently.

Hayner: Okay. *turns around and passes right through Roxas, followed by Pence and Olette* You’re talking about the creepy sex ones, right?

Olette: Yes.

Hayner: Yeah okay.

Olette: Well, WHY WOULD I BE TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER ONES?!

Pence: I don’t even know if there are other ones.

Olette: No there’s not.

Roxas: *drops his bag of ice cream, picks up a picture of Hayner, Pence, and Olette that no longer has him in it, and goes outside in a daze*

Two Dusks: *appear near him*

Roxas: I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS TODAY.

Axel: *materializes behind him* Hey…Have you been crying?

Roxas: …A little.

Axel: Ah, sorry about that, bud. Wish there was an easier way to break this to ya. *holds out bag* It’s not ice cream but it’s not bad, want some?

Roxas: What is it?

Axel: Not sure, actually. *sees the dropped bag of ice cream and a melted stick that says WINNER on it* Heh, call-back. I love the manga version of this. Anyway, more bad news.

Roxas: Oh great.

Axel: Got stuck with another icky job. This time it’s killing you if you don’t come back and join up with us again.

Roxas: …But you wouldn’t do that because we’re bestest friendly-friends, right?

Axel: Well yeah, but I’m the tiniest bit selfish in that I don’t want to get turned into a Dusk for your sake. Being killed myself I can live with, as it were, but getting turned into a Dusk seems like a fate worse than…You remember me now?!

Roxas: O-Of course! How could I forget about you?

Axel: Eh, you’ve had amnesia before, can’t blame you. Still, got to make super sure and everything, so…What’s the anagram of our boss’s name that’s way overdone and is barely even funny anymore?

Roxas: …It was funny in the first place?

Axel: Gets like one chuckle the first time you hear it, but no one really cares after. Now say it.

Roxas: …Dude the memory’s only coming back in bits and pieces.

Axel: …Damn. Well at least you remembered the important stuff, and at least you’re willing to come back so we can fill the rest of that gap—

Roxas: *picks up stick and uses it to summon Keyblade*

Axel: …Or.

Roxas: *kills the surrounding Nobodies that aren’t Axel*

Axel: Fine, I’ll fight you myself no— *time stops again and he freezes*

Roxas: … *head tilt* Okay…?

DiZ: Roxas, go to the mansion thing, it’s time for Sora’s section of the game.

Roxas: …I don’t wanna. THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP COMPELS THEE!

Nothing: *happens*

Roxas: Damn, thought that would work again. *heads to Tram Common*

Axel: *unfreezes* …My best friend really is gone now, huh. That makes three…Two, actually, why did I say three just there. *sigh* At least it’s because of amnesia rather than general douchebaggery, that makes it slightly easier…not by much, though…

Roxas: Shit, don’t even get a skateboard anymore, that sucks. Oh well, at least there are Nobodies I can murder I guess! Except I kinda don’t wanna, I just want to get this over with now. *heads to the mansion* …Right. It’s fucking locked. Great.

Dusks: *surround him*

Roxas: …I could take them, but I want to get inside. What do.

Sora: YOU HAVE A GIANT KEY THAT CAN UNLOCK ANYTHING.

Roxas: Oh right! *summons Keyblade and unlocks gate while the Dusks politely don’t attack him, running inside the gate as soon as it opens*

Riku: *blocks the gate and summons Soul Eater as all the Dusks rush him at once*

Roxas: Wow, this place is busted up to shit. And whoever lived here really liked flying unicorns, it looks like. *goes into a side room* The table’s the only thing that’s busted in here, and somehow I’m convinced that only something really powerful could’ve taken it out. Meh. *goes upstairs after murdering a couple of Nobodies and heads to the door on the right* Nice library, wouldn’t mind chillin’ in here. Except why did someone draw in yellow crayon on the table and why is there a gap in the drawing as if a symbol is missing. *goes back out to the door on the left and enters the White Room* Huh. No one here. *walks past a crayon drawing of the mural in the Traverse Town sewers and the door of the Jolly Roger* Wow that drawing of the library in Hollow Bastion’s gorgeous, I kind of want that one. *sees a drawing of him running in the World that Never Was and starts having another migraine-induced montage flashback*

Flashback Axel: *is leaning against the wall like a badass* So you’re really fucking off, huh?

Flashback Roxas: Well considering you’re refusing to tell me why I can use the Keyblade for absolutely no real reason, since you had no trouble telling me about—

Flashback Axel: *pushes himself forward* THE ORGANIZATION WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS.

Roxas: *pulls himself out of the flashback* Oh good, Naminé, you’re here. So, um, I thought Organization XIII were a bunch of bad guys. So does that make me a bad guy?

Naminé: While they are the primary antagonists of this game, I’m not entirely sure I’d write the entire group off as evil. Some just don’t have anywhere else to go while others are being forced to stay. But all of them are into organ harvesting so they can get heart transplants.

Roxas: …How are they gonna get those?

Naminé: By creating a moon shaped like a heart.

Roxas: …Sure, that sounds logical. So, um, can I ask what’s going to happen to me now, since I know I’m not going back to school or any of that shit?

Naminé: Well I’d tell you if my data image wasn’t getting erased right now.

Roxas: Oh come the smeg on!

DiZ: *digitizes in* Why are you so desperate to know what’s to become of you? It won’t change the outcome of the plot.

Roxas: No, but it’ll make me feel better.

DiZ: Nobodies don’t have feelings! You shouldn’t even exist!

Roxas: Can we define Nobody, I don’t think we’ve covered that yet.

Riku: *teleports in* There’s no time, there are a fuckton of Nobodies outside and I’m out of MP and nearly out of HP, I can’t keep this shit up anymore!

Naminé: *comes through a Dark Corridor* Okay, I just want to let Roxas know that he’s not going to die, he’s just going to fuse with Sora and become one with him.

Roxas: …Is that like a sex thing?

DiZ: WHY WON’T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. Also why aren’t I killing you. *goes behind her and tries to cover her mouth and drag her backwards*

Naminé: No, it’s not like a sex thing, you’ll just start to fade away but your essence will be absorbed into Sora’s heart along with the other two people already there!

Roxas: So Sora’s a Horcrux then, or…? *tries to run after Naminé but Riku blocks him*

Naminé: *tries to fight off DiZ* Roxas, we’re gonna meet again by the end of the game. We’ll be part of two different people by then and we might not know what’s going on at first, but our astral projections will hold a short conversation! And then we can technically be together since our Somebodies are in love with each other anyway, even though it’s not a hundred percent clear that we actually like each other that way! *gets dragged into the Dark Corridor by DiZ*

Roxas: Damn it, I wanted just that little bit more of exposition.

Riku: *also Disapparates*

Roxas: …And now I psychically know what to draw on the table in that other room. Also did I really need the map of the mansion, there are only four rooms I’ll be able to access anyway. *goes back to the library and draws a crown on the table next to the Heartless and Nobody insignias*

Most of the floor: *disappears, revealing a futuristic cellar*

Roxas: Where did the table go and how did a crayon drawing activate the trapdoor. *goes down the stairs and into a room with the computer DiZ was working at earlier before hunched over in pain at another migraine-induced flashback*

Flashback Xemnas: *in the Round Room with the others* …I’m supposed to be giving a speech, why is my dialogue cut out.

Flashback Lexaeus: Why do I have my hood down while others don’t?

Flashback Xemnas: It was really cool, it was all about how we could use the Heartless to our advantage…

Flashback Marluxia: I’m not wearing a hood either, what gives?

Flashback Larxene: Are the others faces concealed for dramatic tension, because I somehow doubt that.

Flashback Axel: Maybe it’s a kind of “Hey, look at these guys from Chain of Memories!” or something, since if they’re playing in the order that the HD collection wants them to, then no one would know anyone else yet.

Flashback Xemnas: Okay, admittedly we could’ve done without more darkness rants.

Flashback Zexion: So we’re setting up the rest of our gang for a dramatic reveal, then?

Flashback Vexen: This did technically come out before Days, even if Days takes place first.

Flashback Xemnas: I was gonna reveal our primary objective and everything, WHY AM I MUTED!

Flashback Roxas: I’m so confused.

Flashback Organization XIII: So’s everyone else, don’t worry about it.

Flashback Roxas: …Did I ever lead a bunch of Dusks anywhere, I thought the part where I controlled Samurai Nobodies got cut for time.

Flashback Riku: I DON’T KNOW. Also now I am defeated apparently. *falls on his ass* So…have you ever asked yourself why you even have the Keyblade in the first place?

Flashback Roxas: N-No! Shut up, b-b-baka! *tries to strike Riku but Riku parries and knocks Roxas back, making his hood fall back in the process*

Flashback Riku: And now to claim my prize.

Flashback Roxas: That doesn’t sound sinister at all. *is taken by Riku and dumped into a transporter thing*

Flashback Riku: Yeah but is this gonna actually work though. I mean, creating an entire virtual version of this town and just inserting him into it as if everything’s normal, it seems kind of obscenely far-fetched, doesn’t it?

Flashback DiZ: It doesn’t matter how things are happening, only that they are. And if we can keep this shitshow going long enough, we’ll be able to get Naminé to finally fucking finish what we tasked her to do a fucking year ago.

Flashback Riku: Sure, but what’s gonna happen to Roxas here?

Flashback DiZ: Apparently Naminé has to finish what she can without him, but eventually he’ll have to fuse with Sora in order to finish the job. And it’s not a hundred percent clear if I’m reprogramming his brain or if Naminé is, she’s the memory expert.

Flashback Riku: So this’ll be the third time that someone who looks like this gets their memories fucked with.

Flashback DiZ: Tragedy, ain’t it. *sits down at the computer and fires up the transporter, beaming Roxas into the Digital…Town*

Roxas: …This makes so much sense and yet none at all. *gets so frustrated with the complete lack of sense this entire series makes and summons his Keyblade, bashing the shit out of the computer in front of him*

Door: *opens*

Roxas: I AM THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING. *looks up at one of the monitors hanging from the wall* A silhouette of what is transparently Sora…I WONDER WHOSE DATA THIS IS. *looks at transporter* Nah, I ain’t fucking with that shit. *looks at computer* Yep, I busted up that but good. *goes into the room he just opened* FUCKING NOBODIES. I KNOW WE’RE BASICALLY KIN BUT YOU’RE ANNOYING ME NOW. ESPECIALLY SINCE I NOW KNOW YOU WANT ME DEAD INSTEAD OF JUST CAPTURED. *kills all of them*

Axel: Hey what’s up, dead guy. You’re a bag of dicks.

Roxas: Hey, Axel. I remembered I’m part of the Organization and I can remember you, Vexen, Zexion, Lexaeus, Marluxia, and Larxene. I also remember leaving to try and find out why I could wield the Keyblade.

Axel: Cool! Erm…anything else?

Roxas: …No, that’s kind of it. I…I don’t specifically remember our friendship. Sorry.

Axel: …Killing you now. *summons flames all around the area* This is too painful, I can’t even fucking look at you anymore.

Roxas: Understandable, but I’m still going to fight back. *draws Oathkeeper and Oblivion Keyblades, twirling them around as if he’s always had two*

Axel: …Okay that’s fucking badass. *summons chakrams* Fuck it, let’s have fun with this!

Roxas: And your idea of fun is setting me on fire?

Axel: What, yours isn’t? *sets the ground on fire*

Roxas: *sends him flying into the air and slashes at him repeatedly with both Keyblades, throwing one of them at him whenever he hides in the flames, sometimes using cutscene powers in order to deal deadly blow after deadly blow* WHY COULDN’T I FIGHT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME THAT WOULD’VE BEEN AMAZING.

Axel: I think there had to be some kind of condition that enabled you to get that ability. Can’t think of what it could’ve been for shit, though.

Roxas: Hang on, I’m finally remembering our friendship.

Flashback Axel: THE ORGANIZATION WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS.

Flashback Roxas: So? It’s not like I have friends anymore anyway. *walks off*

Flashback Axel: …You’ll always be my best friend, whether you acknowledge it or not, you dumbfuck.

Flashback Roxas: I’m not listening, la la la la la. Is somebody talking, because I can’t hear them, la la la la la.

Present Day Roxas: …Wow, I was a huge dick.

Axel: And nothing’s changed.

Roxas: Oh fuck off.

Axel: I shall fuck off, O Lord! *starts dissolving into darkness* Don’t worry, this isn’t the first time I faked my own death.

Roxas: Cool, so we’ll meet up again?

Axel: Technically. And then possibly, this series is confusing as fuck. *dissolves completely*

Roxas: Yeah, I’m beginning to get that. Hey, is that a Dark Corridor to the World that Never Was? Huh, guess I can’t go into it just now, weird. *goes through the next door and sees Donald and Goofy frozen in carbonite* …Why do I have the strangest urge to just destroy Donald’s pod right here and now. *is about to walk into the main room when he stops* I just realized that I’m exactly a year old today. Happy birthday to me, happy deathday to me… *goes inside where DiZ is waiting in front of Sora’s sleep pod thing*

DiZ: Don’t ask why Sora needed a bigger pod than Donald and Goofy, he just did. Also about fucking time you showed up.

Roxas: Are you addressing me or Sora?

DiZ: There’s a difference at this point? Look, I need a real, whole person to carry out my dirty work for me.

Roxas: Why can’t you do whatever it is you want to do yourself? Who even are you?

DiZ: A civil servant of Hollow Bastion. I’m not even kidding. And I enjoy using people younger than me as tools.

Roxas: So you’re not evil, you’re just a huge dick. *summons Kingdom Key* Damn it, wanted Oathkeeper and Oblivion again. Oh well, this’ll be more than enough to take you out! *slices right through DiZ*

DiZ: Yeah no, I’m just a hologram.

Roxas: BUT I WANNA BEAT YOU UP, THOUGH! *slices through DiZ some more times for the fuck of it until it disappears* Wow, I must really be exhausted from this whole ordeal if even the camera looks like it’s panting.

DiZ: *rematerializes behind him* COME AT ME, BRO.

Roxas: I dislike you with great intensity.

DiZ: Even though I was just going on about how Nobodies don’t have feelings, I think you should share some of this obvious hate and rage with Sora. Kid’s too happy-go-lucky, it gets annoying.

Roxas: NO! MY NONEXISTENT HEART BELONGS TO ME! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?! *lunges at DiZ who disappears*

Sora’s pod: *opens up*

Roxas: …So you’re Sora. Your hair’s lighter than I would’ve thought, and it looks like you’ve grown a bit this past year despite no obvious source of nutrition.

Sora: I can’t hear you, I’m unconscious.

Roxas: Well, at least you get to play the game now. Looks like my six-day vacation’s over.

Game’s Title Card: YEAH KINGDOM HEARTS II FINAL MIX MOTHAFUCKAHS! HOW LONG YOU BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SHIT?!

~…Like over seven years, holy balls.~

Chapter Text

~Now that we’re all done crying buckets out of our tear holes…~

Merlin’s ghost train: *pulls into Central Station*

Mickey: *steps off, wearing an Organization XIII cloak that does NOTHING TO HIDE THOSE BIG DUMB MOUSE EARS*

~But that’s enough of that scene.~

Roxas: *is standing in a black empty abyss* YO SORA, WAKE UP, BITCH!

Sora: …Who the fuck was that…

Donald: YO SORA, WAKE UP, BITCH!

Sora: Oh no not you.

Goofy: YO SORA, WAKE UP, BITCH!

Sora: All right, all right…What the fuck am I floating in.

Donald and Goofy: *are standing outside a currently closed sleep egg pod thing* How do we even know he’s in there.

Sleep egg pod thing: *starts to open up*

Sora: *stretches* How am I still floating in here.

Donald: Holy balls his clothes look ridiculous now.

Goofy: Yeah but don’t tell him that, let him figure it out for himself.

Sora: *jumps out of the sleep egg pod thing* OH HAI GAIS.

Donald and Goofy: ‘Sup, nerd!

Donald: Whoa! What happened to your voice, Sora?

Sora: It’s called puberty, Donald, maybe it’ll happen to you someday.

Goofy: Let us now commence doing the dance of joy!

Sora: …What’s the dance of joy?

Donald and Goofy: Where we hop around in a circle and laugh for no reason!

Sora: But we’ve been asleep for nearly a full year, what about muscle atrophy?

Donald: Aw, phooey, we don’t get injured from falling ridiculously huge heights, why should any other events that would usually cause great injury deter us in any way?

Sora: I don’t care, super athletics after waking up from a coma are a failure of the game designer. *reluctantly participates in the dance of joy*

Jiminy: And I’m awake too!

Sora: Shit, I have lice!

Jiminy: No, no, it’s just me!

Sora: …Shit, I have lice!

Jiminy: *jumps down* Now that we’re awake from however long we were in a coma…

Goofy: Yeah, how long do you think it’s been? ‘Cause Sora’s taller than me now.

Donald: Unless his shoes just got bigger.

Sora: So we had Kingdom Hearts I, then we had Chain of Memories…

Goofy: Then Re:Chain of Memories.

Donald: Birth By Sleep was way before that.

Goofy: Yeah.

Sora: And we had 358/2 Days, didn’t we.

Goofy: And then we had Raging Sex Blast…

Sora: Yeah.

Donald: Then we had, like, Burst Limit—

Goofy: Burst Limit, that’s a real thing.

Donald: *laughs* Oh, girl, you got me in my Burst Limit, gurl!

Sora: And then we had Climax Foreskin, I think, that was another one.

Goofy: Right…

Sora: But what actually happened was that we defeated Xehanort’s Heartl—I mean Ansem…restored basically the entire universe aside from a few planets here and there to how they were before…found Kairi and dropped her off on the islands, and went to look for Riku and the king on a lonely winding road at midday. The last thing I can clearly remember is chasing Pluto around.

Donald: Then what?

Sora: A card game without motorcycles?

Goofy: Hey yeah, your journal was erased during that, wasn’t it, Jiminy? Did it ever fill back up?

Jiminy: Nope! Nor does it have anything from that time either! All it says on the first page is “Thank Naminé.” And I’m not even going to bother checking the rest of it for any extra clues until after this game’s over!

Sora: I’m actually kind of sad that we can’t remember Naminé for shit.

Donald: At least we’ve confirmed that Jiminy’s completely fucking useless.

Sora: It wasn’t confirmed before?

Jiminy: … *slinks back into Sora’s hood*

Sora: Good riddance to bad rubbish. *checks menu* …Why am I level twelve already? And why do I have these amazing abilities and what are these two maps I suddenly have and why am I in possession of 3,920 munny and why do I only have access to the Kingdom Key and why does Donald only know Cure and Thunder and why do both of you have only your babbiest weapons.

Goofy: *is suddenly outside the mansion with them* Don’t know, just don’t go back to the mansion or you might fall asleep again! Also new planet, want to explore, am excite.

Donald: We were asleep for who knows how long, so we’re probably gonna be a little wonky for a while. At least Jiminy’s journal is so detailed that if anyone were to take a break for months on end they’d be able to pick up where they left off no problem.

Sora: Except no one looks at that thing so they’d end up restarting anyway. *runs around collecting treasure before exiting the area and immediately getting transported to the Usual Spot instead of anywhere in town that’s actually open and stuff* I wish they included the fair from the manga, then I could’ve thrown shit at Seifer’s face, that would’ve been cool. Oh well. But yeah, why are my feet taking me here and not the top of the clock tower or some shit.

Goofy: Don’t know, but don’t stop now!

Sora: I have to, I’m getting this weird sensation that I’ve been here before. Either the layout was way different and there were card games involved, and I think a male version of Elsa died or something, or the layout was exactly the same and there was way more ice cream involved.

Donald: What’s the name of this planet, then?

Sora: It’s similar to Traverse Town…Otherwise I can’t think of it at all.

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: …So without Roxas we just sit around and try not to think about school? Okay, we can dig that.

Sora: Hey, I’m invading your private space accompanied by giant anthropomorphic talking animals, hope that’s okay.

Hayner: It’s kind of not, actually. How’d you even find this area.

Sora: I exited the area outside the mansion and the cutscene automatically took me here?

Hayner: Okay, your story checks out, but I don’t care, we don’t know you and your clothes are stupider-looking than Seifer’s outfit, so get lost.

Pence: I’m going to blatantly check you out now.

Sora: Sorry, I’m just not that into you.

Pence: No, I was just making sure I’d never seen you before. And I have definitely never seen anyone who looks even remotely like you before in my life. So I’m Pence.

Hayner: Yeah, yeah, name’s Hayner, now get the fuck out of our way.

Pence: …Apparently he really needed Roxas to calm him down, huh.

Olette: Seems that way. Oh, my name’s Olette and I immediately assume you’re enrolled in our school for the new term and have already been informed on what the homework was over summer break.

Sora: Oh please dear Merlin tell me we don’t have to do some annoying homework-related sidequest, that sounds like the worst section this game could possibly have to offer and would just grind everything to a halt with its stupidity.

Donald and Goofy: Yeah, luckily we don’t have to do that shit, amirite?

Pence: So who’re you people, anyway?

Goofy: The human’s Sora, the duck is Donald, and I’m Goofy.

Sora: Yo.

Pence and Olette: JESUS HOT SAUCE CHRISTMAS CAKE.

Olette: We just met a different anthropomorphic talking animal who was looking for you!

Pence: He didn’t seem like he could stick around for long except for some random cameos way later down the line, though. He had a black coat on so I couldn’t see his face—

Sora: That sounds like that bonus boss fight we fought that one time, I don’t think we can trust him.

Pence: —but he had these enormous round ears that must make concealing his identity virtually pointless to those who already know who he is.

Sora: Chip? Dale?

Donald: Daisy?

Goofy: Max, my son?

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: IS A PUZZLEMENT.

Pence: …You guys are idiots, aren’t you.

Donald: Oh no, wait, it’s the king.

Sora and Goofy: WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT?!

Olette: Huh boy.

Sora: Where’d you see him?

Pence: At the station.

Sora: I somehow know where that is already, thanks!

Olette: We go back to school tomorrow, so we should probably do that homework we somehow haven’t done yet.

Pence: Hey, how about we debunk those bullshit seven wonders on the other side of the planet?

Olette: Yeah but that sounds like hard work. Hard work that WE DO NOT HAVE! *leaves with Pence*

Donald: …So you think we should try catching up with the king?

Sora: *shrugs* Got nothing better to do. *exits the Usual Spot*

Olette: We have to do our homework. If you’ve got time, why don’t you get a job? Oh, wait. I don’t think anyone’s hiring right now. Therefore me telling you that was completely pointless other than letting you know that there may or may not be mini-games available if you ever came back.

Pence: The guy looking for you is at the station. It’s at the top of Station Heights, because that will make sense to someone who’s never been to this town before. You should go see what he wants.

Hayner: If you want to know about this town, go to the sandlot. We’re busy walking around in circles. I’m sure Seifer’s bunch will suddenly turn into nice people for no reason.

Sora: OKAY! *goes to the sandlot*

Seifer: Hey, you, where’d you come from.

Sora: Uhh…

Seifer: You here to pick a fight with us or something?

Sora: Fight? We’re not here to fight.

Donald: Yeah, you big palooka!

Seifer: Okay, chicken wusses, time to teach you how to behave in my town. Bring it!

Sora: Man, what a douche.

Donald: Mm.

Announcer guy: One moment! If you’re gonna fight, why not make it a proper Struggle?

Seifer: …What?

Announcer guy: You see, Seifer, I’m a really big fan.

Seifer: …This sounds so wrong in so many ways.

Announcer guy: Without Roxas or a suddenly overpowered Vivi, you kicked ass to the extent of possibly defeating Setzer in the previous tournament. And I’m hooked! I like to see young men wrestle with each other, the sweat glistening off their muscled arms—

Seifer: OKAY, we get the picture. *backs away slowly*

Announcer guy: Good, then you’ll do it! And what’s your name?

Sora: Sora?

Announcer guy: Sora. If you wanna partake in my fantasy, you just gimme a call!

Sora: Okay, I wanna partake. As soon as I talk to all these other people.

Fuu: Instant annihilation.

Sora: Try me.

Rai: I don’t know who you are, but you don’t stand a chance at anything against Seifer, y’know?

Sora: Try me. I’ll even go talk to him right now.

Seifer: HA! No. No, there’s no way this is happening, I’m not gonna fight a pathetic little weakling like you.

Sora: We’ll see what the guy running this shit has to say about that!

Announcer guy: …Yeah, sorry to get your hopes up like that, but we actually can’t have the tournament until like way later in the game. Think you have to be at a certain level or some shit. Anyway, come back later I guess.

Sora: …WELL THAT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. *goes to Market Street and is actually able to buy an Adamant Shield for Goofy and a Hammer Staff for Donald* Well this ought to make things easier more quickly.

Everyone else you talk to: *is still complaining about all the jobs they need you to do even though you can’t physically do them yet*

Sora: Oh yeah, everyone’s gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense. *goes up to the station* Damn this clock tower takes me back. Bugger if I can figure out why, though…

Dusks: ‘Sup, nerd.

Sora: …Okay, new enemies this game, that’s interesting… *notices new insignia* That’s kind of cool, but they look threatening so I’m going to kill all of them. *summons Keyblade*

Dusks: Aww. This Sora guy’s such a prick. I just wanna give him huggy boo boo bears, but he’s like “Noooooo” and slashes me, and I’m like, “Why, guy?”

Creepers that also show up: You’re the meanest of all dudes.

Dusks: Why can’t you just give me huggy boo boo bears. *dies*

Sora: *keeps fighting for like three minutes straight* This is actually kind of fun, good to know I still have a bunch of my old skills even if I don’t necessarily feel quite as powerful as before—

Goofy: We must now stop because we are exhausted.

Sora: …Why the fuck am I also exhausted, I could’ve kept going! I somehow have fifty-three potions stocked up!

Dusks: Let’s dance around and make no move to actually attack them!

Mickey: *from the top of the clock tower* OH NO THEY’RE GONNA DIE I MUST SAVE THEM. *jumps down and takes them all out* Yoda of this franchise I am.

Sora: I recognize Kingdom Key D!

Donald: I recognize the fucking person holding Kingdom Key D!

Mickey: That’s nice for you, now get on the train, trust that it knows where it’s going, and fuck off. *gives Sora the munny pouch that Riku stole from the Digital…Town* Emergency cash to pay for tickets to the ghost train, because they’ll definitely take you seriously.

Donald: Damn it, don’t leave, we just caught up with you!

Mickey: *has already run off*

Sora: Was that seriously Mickey?

Goofy: …We’re not being this stupid again, I refuse, THERE’S NO ONE ELSE IT POSSIBLY COULD HAVE BEEN.

Donald: YAY HE’S ALIVE AND STUFF.

Sora: Why am I flashing back to sepia-toned still images of the end of the game? We already know from previous flashbacks that both the King and Riku were locked behind the door we locked together in the Realm of Darkness.

Goofy: Yeah, reestablishing this much stuff this often is getting pretty annoying.

Sora: Good to see the King somehow getting out of there, though.

Donald: You’re telling me.

Sora: Still, if he made it out, that means I have reason to hope that Riku made it out as well!

Donald: Mayhaps could be!

Sora: Well I’ve got a plot to run with, anyway. I’m gonna go look for Riku so we can take a decent break before the events of Dream Drop Distance have to happen. Kairi’s there waiting for us, being a useless female character as usual. How ‘bout you guys?

Goofy: We’re still contractually obligated to stick by you until the King says otherwise, so…

Sora: For some reason I suddenly find your faces amusing.

Donald and Goofy: YAY POINTLESS LAUGHING!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: *laugh pointlessly*

Sora: Okay, one more game and then Christ do I need a break from you people. So…what was our next objective again?

Goofy: Something about a train.

Sora: Righty-ho!

Donald: Shit, I hate trains.

Sora: You hate everything, now let’s move. Holy shitsnacks I’m already getting more Ansem reports. Eh, I’ll read those later when I have more and when they make sense. *goes inside*

Hayner: Hold up. *runs up to him with Pence and Olette* So, um…

Sora: Is there any particular reason you should be here right now?

Hayner: None at all, Roxas didn’t even technically hang out with us, only virtual versions of us that had our exact likenesses and personalities down to a literal science.

Pence: But rope that in with all the bullshit connecting of hearts or whatever that this franchise is all about and suddenly it’s like we know you and need to say good-bye to you.

Sora: Okay…That sounds fake but okay…

Train bell: *rings*

Olette: You should hurry and pay for your tickets so you can board the train before it leaves, despite the amount of munny you have never decreasing and despite the train never leaving until you get on it.

Sora: Sounds about right. *goes up to the ticket booth and pulls out the munny pouch* Don’t know why I can’t just use my own munny but if the King gave me some I might as well…

Olette: …What the fuck.

Donald: What?

Olette: *pulls out her own identical munny pouch*

Goofy: …What the actual fuck.

Olette: Exactly.

Sora: …Whatever, gimme three tickets for the train no one believes exist.

Nonexistent ticket booth person: Okay, but they’re never gonna be stored in your inventory and were apparently fucking free in the first place.

Sora: Thank you, unseen adult. *pockets his pouch again and then just stops and stares at the train* I can’t help feeling like we won’t see this town again even though we totally will near the end of the game so this is the most pointless red herring ever conceived by humankind.

Hayner: Yeah, this is kind of annoying and makes no sense.

Donald: Maybe you’re just freaking out because it’s gonna be until like the halfway point roughly before we can come back?

Goofy: Which’ll be annoying but hey.

Sora: Fair enough.

Hayner: Sorry I was so cold before. Something’s been bugging me…We may not see each other for awhile. Take care of yourself, okay?

Sora: Sure, no prob.

Olette: Um, Sora? About that bag of yours…Uh, never mind. I’ll wait until you get back way later into the game. We’ll be at the Usual Spot.

Pence: That’s weird. I feel like I should see you off for some reason…Like I have to say bye to someone I’ve been waiting a long time to see…

Sora: This plot makes less and less sense the longer it goes on.

Donald: This is going to be a long journey, so prepare yourself well!

Goofy: It’s time for our adventure to begin! If there’s something you still want to do here, now’s your last chance.

Sora: SHIT I DIDN’T CHECK THE WOODS FOR ITEMS YET. *runs all the way back to the woods* Oh, hi, Vivi!

Vivi: Hey. Still hanging out with Seifer’s gang. Still miss Zidane.

Sora: Cool. Later, I guess. *grabs the chests he missed and heads all the way back to the station* Okay, we’re out of here.

Donald and Goofy: *get on the train as the sad friendship theme starts playing for some reason*

Hayner: I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE CONTINUING THIS CHARADE OF US VAGUELY REMEMBERING A PERSON WE’VE NEVER FUCKING MET.

Sora: Yeah, I’m getting no residual memories whatsoever.

Hayner: Okay, let’s just stop then.

Sora: You got it. *starts crying*

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: …Okay, this part makes sense because Roxas would remember our virtual selves and respond accordingly through Sora the only way he could.

Sora: …Yeah, this looks super manly, doesn’t it. *wipes face*

Olette: Oh it’s fine.

Hayner: Yeah, it’s only slightly weird because WE DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER.

Sora: Okay, I’m gonna leave before I make a bigger idiot out of myself. *gets on the train and waves as the door closes*

Pence: *follows the train a little as it pulls out of the gate* …SO HOW ‘BOUT THAT HOMEWORK!

Hayner: Burn everything to the ground. That’s what I’ll do.

Sora: *is staring longingly out the window, then takes out the munny pouch and fishes around inside it until he pulls out the blue marble* Well this is pretty.

Donald and Goofy: Yeah, it kind of is.

Sora: …Why do I feel like I’m leaving home.

Donald: You’re really not.

Goofy: And don’t forget, we will be coming back here a couple of times.

Sora: Cool.

Train: *heads through another dimension*

Sora: …The Aurora Borealis, at this time of the day, in this part of the galaxy, localized entirely over these space train tracks? Sure, why the fuck not.

~None of them seem all that nonplussed about any of this.~

Axel: Okay, this is definitely new footage. And I’m definitely alive, yay-face! Except now I have to leave, not-so-yay-face.

Riku: No kidding, we should get out of here like right the fuck now.

Axel: Maybe you forgot, but we’re fucking homeless. Where are we even gonna go? We don’t even technically exist, remember?

Naminé: What he said. Though there is definitely someplace I’d like to go, if only to see that person again. *is staring down at her drawing of Sora and Roxas holding hands*

Axel: Me too. Same guy, in fact. Hey, did you redraw that? I thought I saw a copy hanging up on the wall.

Naminé: Sometimes I do duplicates if I’m bored.

Axel: Ah. So, you gonna kill us or let us go?

Naminé: …DiZ wants me destroyed? Because I’m not useful to him anymore? I’VE HELPED THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR AND THIS IS THE FUCKING THANKS I GET?!

Riku: Exactly. Which is why I’m letting you go, because I’m actually grateful to you. Just be thankful that I’m sick and tired of doing his fucking dirty work for him.

Axel: What about me?

Riku: You won’t hurt Sora, not since he’s absorbed Roxas. Also you let Naminé do her own thing in Castle Oblivion which allowed her to help Sora in the first place.

Axel: …Okay, I’m out of here, then! *creates a Dark Corridor* Ready whenever you are, Naminé.

Naminé: Cool. Riku, thanks. *runs off into the Dark Corridor*

Axel: *follows her*

Riku: It feels good not murdering people for no reason.

~DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE FINAL MIXES OF THESE GAMES?!~

Chapter Text

~After Days and hanging out with Roxas and Axel and whoever else for so long, it’s kinda weird to write Sora, Donald, and Goofy again.~

Ghost Train Whatever: *emerges from portal onto more floating magical train tracks of magic*

Train door: *opens*

Sora: …Pretty cool tower, but who’s the doofus at the door?

Donald and Goofy: Oh cool, this place again. Neat.

Ghost Train Whatever: *vanishes*

Sora: Oh good, we’re trapped except for plot advancement. *grabs the three chests by the door* …I just noticed that guy is Pete from old-school Disney shit. I’m not the biggest fan of old-school Disney shit.

Donald: Well…We got on the train and came here like the King said. Something’s strange about this place. I wonder where we are, DESPITE THIS BEING WHERE GOOFY AND I PRETTY MUCH PERMANENTLY CAMPED OUT AT ELEVEN YEARS AGO.

Phelous: Great continuity!

Goofy: Someone’s at the entrance of the building. For some reason we can’t clearly tell who he is from the back.

Pete: *is crouching at the gap in the front door*

Donald: Hey, Pete, what do?

Pete: Nuthin’ much, just sent a few of the weakest babbiest Heartless inside to see if Master Yen Sid can handle such mighty power. He’s supposed to be the strongest sorcerer EVAR, even beating out Merlin and Jafar’s second stage apparently, which is why his name is Disney spelled backwards I guess. And I am evidently under the delusion that throwing a couple of shadows at him will turn him into a Heartless himself despite him being a big hotshot Keyblade Master back in the day that trained Eraqus and Xehanort themselves before moving onto Mickey, so he’s sure to fall easily now.

Donald: Damn it, I thought we were done with Heartless!

Pete: Not even, bro! HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT HEARTLESS EMERGE WHEN A PERSON’S DARKNESS CONSUMES THEM?! And for some bonus exposition, I work for Maleficent now!

Sora: …Does he realize he’s talking out loud?

Goofy: You know, I don’t think he does.

Pete: And you’ll be seeing an awful lot of me in this game, considering I owe her one for saving me from suffocating in the vacuum of space, which means I’m building an army worthy of Mordor. I mean Maleficent. And I just noticed I’m giving away too much information to people I don’t even know.

Goofy: No kidding, maybe you should stop doing that. And also stop with the army thing, that does not sound fun.

Pete: JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!

Donald and Goofy: Pete.

Pete: Oh, hey you guys. Can’t believe I didn’t recognize you from your voices alone. So what’re you doing in this neck of the universe, anyway?

Donald: A magical train took us here before disappearing. Same question?

Sora: Hold up, despite me knowing who this guy is I feel compelled to know who this guy is. And why I have the strangest feeling that I at least dreamed about fighting him before in Agrabah or something.

Goofy: Pete’s kind of the go-to bad guy for all us regular Disney creations from the shorts. His Majesty banished him to another dimension a long time ago, and by that I mean it was actually Her Majesty and it was to the vacuum of space and he really didn’t even do anything so I say it’s perfectly all right for him to seek his vengeance upon us. Still curious as to how he got back to any sort of planet, though, I mean it’s been like eleven years or whatever and Queen Minnie never called him back.

Pete: Seriously, Maleficent saved my ass, you gotta admit I owe her big time. So…yeah, helping her take over the universe, hoping she’ll let me have a couple of planets to kick back on, all the good shit.

Sora: …You do know we killed her, like, twice, right?

Pete: I am disbelief.

Goofy: It’s true though. I was there.

Donald: I think I was around for the cutscenes at least.

Pete: …So you guys are horrible murderers, eh?

Sora: I’d like to think it was self-defense? And she was trying to kill and/or corrupt my childhood friends, I had to stop her somehow

Pete: FUCK YOU. I CAN SUMMON HEARTLESS AT WILL NOW!

Sora: *summons Keyblade* Wow. Shadows. I’m so afeared. *murders them all like instantly*

Pete: Well you suck. Nobody messes with the mighty Pete!

Goofy: Does that mean the Nobodies mess with you all the time?

Pete: Shut your butt.

Sora: That’s nice, so who lives here anyway despite the fact that you were just talking about who he was like two minutes ago.

Pete: Yen Sid. Who I actually personally attacked in the manga but now I’m too much of a chicken shit.

Donald: DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE HAD AN EXTENDED VISIT WITH YEN SID ELEVEN YEARS AGO I’M COMPLETELY BAFFLED THAT HE’S EVEN HERE RIGHT NOW! *rushes inside*

Goofy: Yen Sid taught the King, you know.

Sora: So why’s Donald so hyped?

Goofy: ‘Cause Yen Sid’s a sorcerer, Donald’s the black mage of the party, you know.

Sora: Ah. *runs inside with Goofy*

Pete: LOOK HOW CARTOONISHLY COMICAL I AM!

Sora: You’re really not! *closes the door behind him and refuses to leave again ever*

Donald: Pete’s a little late to the party. We already defeated Maleficent.

Goofy: I never expected to run into Pete here! To think he’s not just messing around with our world, but here, too…! And apparently the rest of them for the rest of this game at least!

Sora: Yeah, that sounds like so much fun. *goes up through the tower killing Heartless and occasionally getting trapped in a room until they’re all dead*

Donald: Not gonna lie, kinda wish we were fighting strictly Nobodies instead, the Heartless are kind of getting old after fighting them for the past three…single game we had at the beginning.

Goofy: Nah, they’re classics, people recognize ‘em, y’know?

Sora: WELL SO MUCH FOR SAVING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE LAST YEAR. *heads to the top of the tower and enters casually while Donald and Goofy stand at attention*

Donald and Goofy: *bow deeply while Sora’s just standing there like an idiot*

Yen Sid: *is the sorcerer from that one sketch in Fantasia, who knew*

Donald: Long time no see, Master Yen Sid!

Sora: ‘Sup, nerd.

Donald: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Yen Sid: Nah, it’s cool. So, you’re Sora, then. Seen Mickey yet?

Goofy: I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have been able to come here if we hadn’t, Master.

Yen Sid: How many times have I told you I’m fucking retired.

Goofy: *ignoring him* Woulda liked a chance to chat, though.

Yen Sid: Well you can’t really blame him, he fucking hates you guys—I mean he’s been busy. So it falls to me to exposit to you. For I am far superior to Dumbledore in that I will actually tell you what the shit is going on and what you have to do in order to save the fucking universe.

Sora: From now on, you shall be called Noiti Sopxe.

Noiti Sopxe: Heh.

Donald: Oh I get it.

Goofy: I don’t get it.

Sora: Also we have to play another epically long RPG now, don’t we. Damn it, I thought after the first three…the first game, we’d kinda be done. It was a cute one-off, so does there really have to be more?

Noiti Sopxe: With how well it sold? Of course there does! And we have to make the plot as convoluted and hard-to-follow as possible by making a new game on each new system that comes out so the plot will be even harder to follow because not everyone can afford every system!

Sora: That sounds kind of idiotic.

Noiti Sopxe: No, shut up, it’s fine, most of 'em are on PS3 now anyway, now people just have to worry about PS4s. Which a lot of people including the author of this parody still don't have...Also if you don’t do the thing properly your planet will be destroyed again and everyone you love will be dead.

Sora: Oh great. *summons his Keyblade for no reason*

Noiti Sopxe: Again with this whole opening the door to light thing which I still can’t tell if it means the end of this game or some time in KHIII. *gives a significant glance to Donald and Goofy*

Goofy: *prevents Donald from Obliviating everyone in the room*

Noiti Sopxe: *summons a book* Read this book of poetic nonsense that vaguely refers to the first game, Chain of Memories, and this game. Ignore Days, Days isn’t important. Once you’ve finished reading, we’ll talk about actual important shit.

Sora: Neat. *grabs shit around the room while he still has control over his own movement*

Donald: …Dude. Plot. Continue with it.

Goofy: No matter how many times I come here, this tower gets more and more fucked up. I wonder why it was built in the first place. You know. Aside from being someone’s house.

Noiti Sopxe: No, seriously, plot, continue.

Sora: Fine, fine, whatever. *opens book*

The First Game
Each journey gives ride to meeting random Disney characters, and each encounter brings forth a possible planet explosion.

When a definite planet explosion leads to an eighty plus hours long game, the Disney movies can be traveled to and explored if they don’t get exploded first.

There are children who grow up on the same island planet where one may turn evil and the other might not, but the power of friendship will bring them together again because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

When you don’t know what to do next, look back at what happened in the past so you know what not to do next time…

Learn your shit, for fuck’s sake.

The First Official Spin-Off
A long coma.

A sad farewell that you won’t even fucking remember, hanging in the air in that “world that used to be another world before it was changed to this world.”

What is reality? What is illusion? No one fucking knows anymore. The path chosen by the young boy leads to a crapton of fake memories that he chose to follow until he didn’t.

When caught in the stream of the days and nights going past in the second official spin-off, gaze anew at your save files…

For there all confusion will start and never ever fucking stop ever.

The Second Game Which Is This Game
Will the day come when this game, born of DUDE WE NEED MORE, will end?

It will take a different amount of time for different people.

Can there be more hidden shit than anyone was expecting?

Who even knows who’s real and who’s not anymore. Still, there’s an entire character that no one remembers now so no one will believe you when you talk about her.

Be not afraid. Entrust your body to the soothing amazingness that is this amazing fucking fun-to-play awesome game. By and by, more and more spin-offs will be released…

And everything will begin.

Noiti Sopxe: Okay you’re done good let’s talk.

Sora: But I thought we already saved the fucking universe last game considering I don’t know of any spin-offs that I took part in, so what gives? Why are there still Heartless everywhere?

Noiti Sopxe: You cut down their numbers by like seventy percent or something, so thanks for that, but unfortunately there is still darkness in all but seven hearts so Heartless will keep being made now that they exist. Human nature kind of dictates that not everything can be black and white and no one is one hundred percent perfect ever.

Goofy: Gawrsh, so all we have to do is eliminate human nature and get rid of everyone’s flaws, and do that with every single person in the universe!

Sora: …On second thought, maybe having to deal with a few Heartless now and again might be the better option after all…That reality just sounds creepy.

Noiti Sopxe: ENEMY EXPOSITION TIEM! *summons a hologram of Donald*

Donald: WAK!

Noiti Sopxe: *turns the hologram into a Shadow* If you yield to the darkness in your heart, you’ll become a Heartless.

Donald: Why you gotta use me as an example?!

Noiti Sopxe: Your voice irks me. But you already know this information.

Sora: Yeah, and we know about the Heartless as well so why are you recapping things that are already common knowledge to everyone in this room?

Noiti Sopxe: Iunno, just know that you still have a lot to fight still so CONSTANT VIGILANCE! *summons a hologram of a Dusk* Okay, so Heartless are created from the darkness in people’s hearts. The Nobodies are created from the leftover bodies from the particularly strong hearts that the Heartless took. So…basically…the names should be switched, because that makes NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER. *makes the Shadow hologram disappear* And frankly, Nobodies don’t technically exist anyway. They might seem like they have feelings, but this is all just crocodile tears and they’re only going on the memories they have of what it’s like to have feelings. Do not fall for their bullshit.

Sora: Nobodies. They don’t exist. Therefore, I don’t have to fight them and just have to worry about the Heartless, and there was no point in you mentioning them. Awesome.

Noiti Sopxe: No that’s not what I meant.

Sora: But it’s what you said though.

Noiti Sopxe: *summons three more Dusks* These are Dusks. They’re not the weakest, those are Creepers, but they are the most common. The rarest ones are ones that look entirely humanoid while not yet in their final forms. They can wield whatever weapon or element they were good with when they were still human. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: We heard you the first time.

Noiti Sopxe: I am psychic and already know that you’ll meet a shitton of Dusks that will attack you on sight. No one really cares, they’re just grunts. However… *summons holograms of dudes in Organization XIII cloaks*

Sora: Hey, it’s that secret boss that was in the first Final Mix game and the person I met on that lonely winding road at twilight that I may or may not remember even meeting!

Noiti Sopxe: A bunch of the strongest Nobodies have teamed up and are calling themselves Organization XIII. Which implies that there are thirteen members, and there actually used to be fourteen — no there wasn’t, why did I just say that — but they’re down to seven so you have way less to worry about than you think you do. And even then, only six are out to get you. But they still control the lesser Nobodies so you should still probably deal with them.

Sora: …Why do I feel like I should recognize these guys…Anyone ringing any bells?

Goofy: Nope!

Donald: Uh-uh.

Sora: Just me, then…

Noiti Sopxe: Heartless just attack shit, but Nobodies can actually think and strategize and shit. They seem to have a cunning plan they’re working on, but bugger me if I don’t know what it is.

Sora: But…You just said that Nobodies don’t exist, and now you’re telling me that they think. Don’t you know about Descartes’s “I think, therefore I am” theory of existence? Your spiel earlier was fucking pointless.

Noiti Sopxe: Yeah, I’m basically trying to justify you murdering people later in the game by telling you that they aren’t actually people.

Sora: Ah. That sounds amazingly fucked up and you now sound like a horrible person.

Noiti Sopxe: No, just terribly ignorant considering I never fucking leave this room. Look, the point is that Mickey’s already been on this for months if not this entire past year. *gets rid of all the holograms*

Sora: So we gotta go catch up to him and help him, is what you’re saying.

Donald: And nothing’s changed since the first game.

Goofy: Untrue, sir! We actually know where Kairi is and it’s just Riku and the King we need to find!

Sora: And since they were together at the end of the first…the previous game, if we find one we’ll probably know where the other one is! And now to continue to repeat what happened even though we already know it from several flashbacks and conversations!

Noiti Sopxe: Indeed, please stop. Also please get a new wardrobe for this game, we’re sick of the old one and you’ve clearly outgrown it anyway.

Sora: It was starting to ride up in the crotch a bit, yeah.

Noiti Sopxe: Check out the other room you’ve somehow been prevented from entering this whole time. There you’ll find some more Sleeping Beauty shit that’ll get a new outfit put together for you.

Goofy: You’re all grown up. I see you have gained things that comes from growing up.

Sora: I don’t know, that doesn’t make any sense.

Noiti Sopxe: You’ll be leaving forever after you’ve changed into your new outfit. Take time now to prepare.

Sora: Fine, fine. *goes through the next door and sees Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather* Red, blue, and green, huh? There is never any love for Hufflepuff. *waits for Donald and Goofy to come in* So it’s us three, Riku, and the King against, what, six people, Noiti Sopxe said? That’s actually pretty fucking good odds, I mean shit, six on six? Dayum, son!

Donald: …Is the sixth guy on our side Roxas or are you counting Jiminy for once?

Sora: Roxas, full stop.

Donald: Makes sense.

Fauna: We’ve been told about you. Hurry up and try on your new clothes! An then you can fucking leave!

Merryweather: The uniforms we can make have amazing powers and if you get one I hear it’s awesome. You get all like super human and stuff. They’re called Goku uniforms and they go from one star all the way up to three star. Long story short, they’re awesome. You got all that?

Goofy: …You just marathoned Kill la Kill again, didn’t you.

Merryweather: Hey, it’s rare when an English dub’s that consistently good.

Sora: Hang on, I wanna check out these mirrors. Let’s see…Strength, Magic, that weird yellow shit…Obtaining old powers? I get a new outfit in Final Mix? That’s fucking awesome…The silver outfit, I love that one…and the one where I’m basically a Heartless again, that one sucks shit but hey.

Flora: So we psychically know who all of you are. Probably because Noiti Sopxe saw you out the window and gave us a heads up.

Merryweather: In my mind, nothing is uglier than a person wearing clothes THAT DON’T FIT THEM!

Sora: Hey, do you have any idea what it’s like to have only one set of clothes?

Fauna: All right. Your turn, Sora. Of all the creatures on Earth, how many are there that wear clothing?

Sora: That’s easy. Just us humans.

Donald and Goofy: Uh…

Fauna: Correct. Out of all the species living on the planet, homo sapiens are the only ones that wear clothing.

Donald and Goofy:Uh

Fauna: And why is that?! It’s not because we evolved to wear clothes; the truth is we evolved because we wore clothes. The homo sapien was just another anthropoid species until Life Fibers came along. They helped us evolve. Humans didn’t choose the clothes they wear. Instead, clothing chose us to wear it!

Sora: …Sorry, Life What Now?

Flora: They’re called Life Fibers. They’re living fibers woven into clothing for combat. The fabric of a one-star Goku uniform is made up of ten percent Life Fibers. The fabric of the two-star uniforms has twenty percent. See how that works? When worn by humans, these special fibers enhance strength and reveal special abilities. Also there are outfits made up entirely of Life Fibers. These are called the Kamui.

Sora: …I am so fucking confused right now.

Merryweather: Good. *helps Flora drag him forward*

Fauna: *zaps him with her wand*

Sora: *was wearing a dress in the manga* …I don’t see how this is practical for fighting Heartless and Nobodies.

Fauna: That’s fair.

Merryweather: Hang on, I got this. *zaps him and turns his outfit blue*

Flora: Hang on, we’re only changing the color, we need to help change the size at least. *zaps him and really just turns his outfit red*

Fauna: Calm yourself. Clothing is meant to be worn. *turns it green*

Player: …Really? We’re listening to pushy women arguing about fashion? If we wanted that we wouldn’t be playing fucking video games, GIVE US FUCKING PLOT ALREADY!

Flora: ASK NOT THE SPARROW HOW THE EAGLE SOARS! *turns it red again*

Fauna: …We’re not making a damn bit of difference, are we. *turns it green again*

Merryweather: I don’t even remember you getting into our fight in the movie. *turns it blue*

Maleficent’s crow thing: *shakes its head sadly* The masses. They’re such fools. Pigs in human clothes domesticated by the establishment. *flies off*

Sora: I gotta do something fast.

Goofy: You gotta do something fast.

Sora: Like murder them? That’s my plan.

Donald: You murder them fast.

Sora: My plan is to kill them. Is everyone happy with this plan?

Goofy: It’s solid, it’s, uh, it’s solid.

Sora: I hope everyone’s happy with it.

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather: WE GIVE UP, YOU WIN!

Sora: What the hell?

Flora: WE’VE MAGICALLY AGREED ON A NON-SHITTY DESIGN! *zaps his outfit with the other two*

Sora: *now has black shit over his massive yellow shoes to make them look not as huge, plus a mostly black and blue get-up with red pockets and a black short-sleeved jacket over everything*

Merryweather: Much better than that hobo suit you used to wear, that’s for fucking sure.

Goofy: *touches a sleeve* Whoa, that totally feels like goose bumps!

Donald: Clothes can’t have goose bumps.

Goofy: I know, but doesn’t it feel like it?

Sora: …Why did I just summon the Keyblade on my own?

Flora: Now this is a one-star Goku uniform.

Fauna: It can be upgrade to a two- or even three-star uniform under the right circumstances. *Flora creates a yellow floating orb* Check out this shit.

Sora: …Ain’t this the shit that refills the drive gauge?

Merryweather: You now have a drive gauge! And an athleticism augmented two-star Goku uniform!

Sora: Wha—GAH! *starts glowing white and emerges in a red outfit holding two Keyblades*

Donald: Sick!

Goofy: Wait, why am I also marveling at this, don’t I have to be absorbed into the uniform in order to make the two-star outfit work in the first place?

Sora: Shut up, I’m trying to decide if I’m even going to use Star Seeker in-game.

Donald: Well you’ll have to for now until you can stock up on Keychains again.

Goofy: But is the use of the two Keyblades from the Goku uniform or residual memories and abilities of Roxas?

Merryweather: Iunno, but this game’s gonna be tough without some kind of Goku uniform.

Sora: Amazing! I can feel the power surging through my body…AND! MY! SOOOUUULL! I like it! My body’s moving faster than fast!

Flora: That’s the power of a Goku uniform. Also if you level up that particular outfit immediately you can High Jump right the shit now.

Sora: I NEED TO DO THAT.

Fauna: Noiti Sopxe has another thing he wanted to give you, too, so go talk to him or whatever.

Sora: Neat. And thanks for the infinitely less stupid-looking outfit(s).

Flora: Those clothes have all kinds of powers that rely on the help of friends! Just as you on your journey, these clothes need friends, too, to unleash their powers!

Sora: …Are we actually going with my new outfit being Senketsu, ‘cause that’s going a little too far and I’ll probably forget all of this anyway.

Fauna: Fair enough. You’ll have amazing powers when you transform, but the process takes time. And that time will be stonewalled for no adequately explored reason at times. Even so, transforming will help you tremendously on your adventures!

Merryweather: You’ve already gained a new ability except you haven’t yet! Those clothes must be meant for you! Which considering that we made them for you to wear and for them to be worn by you and you alone should be a no-brainer but what the shit do I know. That transformation unleashes your potential to the fullest, Sora!

Sora: I will do all of these things! *leaves to go talk to Noiti Sopxe again*

Glowing yellow crown thing: *falls out of his pocket*

Goofy: Dude, you dropped something.

Sora: What it’s?

Donald: Iunno, something that fell out of your pocket just now.

Sora: Somehow I know it’s part of a picture even though I have no way of realizing that. You three responsible for this? Is it made of Life Fibers or something?

Fauna: Fucked if I know.

Flora: Oh! It’s a new fetch-quest they added into Final Mix to artificially add new content!

Merryweather: Birth By Sleep has stickers and this has puzzle pieces. Sure. Why the fuck not.

Jiminy: *hops down* Huzzah, a reason to constantly look at my journal!

Sora: Suddenly I don’t like this game as much as I used to. *exits the room for realzies*

Noiti Sopxe: Yo, check it. *motions them over to the window*

Gummi Ship: ‘SUP, NERDS!

Donald: Plus side, we can now travel places. Downside, fucking missions and blueprints and shit we have to do to platinum shit. I already give up.

Sora: You guys ready to leave this rock yet?

Goofy: Passed ready.

Noiti Sopxe: Hold up, I gotta tell you more shit.

Sora, Donald and Goofy: MORE EXPOSITION?

Noiti Sopxe: You know how all the worlds are back to normal now? That means they’re all cut off from each other again.

Donald: So how’re we gonna get interplanetary travel up and running again?

Noiti Sopxe: You have to find certain items in each world that the Keyblade can activate that’ll open more routes so that more monsters can get through to each world since you’re leaving so wide a path behind you!

Sora: …This sounds like the most irresponsible plan ever.

Noiti Sopxe: It’s fine, everything’s invisibly connected anyway!

Sora: Then why open the new pathways at all, can’t we just use these invisible connections?

Noiti Sopxe: YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

Sora: Fine, fine, we’ll…use the power of friendship to help us find the way or whatever.

Noiti Sopxe: Good, that’s exactly what I wanted you to do. And frankly, the Heartless and Nobodies will be using their own Dark Corridors and the like to travel around anyway, so what’s one more route.

Donald: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Noiti Sopxe: That is all the information I can give to you.

Sora: Awesome, can we go now?!

Noiti Sopxe: Indeed, piss off.

Sora: ‘BOUT FUCKING TIME!

Donald: Hang on, we still gotta salute this guy.

Goofy: It’ll only take a quick second.

Sora: Yes, fine, we’re done, let’s go! *leads the way out of the tower*

Noiti Sopxe: *Disapparates*

Merryweather: Guys? A crow just dragged in an old black cloak through the window, should we, like, get rid of it or something?

Maleficent’s crow thing: *drags her robe further into the room*

Merryweather: …Seriously? Because we don’t remember her she can’t come back?

Fauna: Yeah, I mean Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Pete had already been talking about her, what’s so different about us.

Merryweather: And now her name’s being treated like Voldemort’s for some reason.

Flora: She must’ve put a Taboo on it or something. As long as we don’t say it, we’re good.

Merryweather: Can we at least think about her? ‘Cause I’m doing that thing where I’m trying not to think about her so of course she's all I can think about.

Maleficent’s outfit: *starts to rise up*

Fauna: Okay, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m telling Noiti Sopxe about this.

Flora: Right behind you. *Disapparates alongside her*

Merryweather: Why aren’t I immediately following you. *watches Maleficent fully form* Oh hai Maleficent. *Disapparates*

Maleficent: Still got a killer evil laugh. *cackles evilly. And awesomely*

~Biggest mislead I’ve ever seen in a video game: WE DON’T GET TO FIGHT HER THIS WHOLE GAME WHAT THE SHIT.~

Chapter Text

~OH THANK FUCKING MERLIN YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THE BULLSHIT GUMMI SHIT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME YOU GO TO SPACE.~

Dale: HI, EVERYBODY!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: HI, CHIP’N’DALE!

Chip: We’re Chip’n’Dale, in case you forgot!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: …Riiiiiight…

Chip’n’Dale: So…go fly, we guess.

Hollow Bastion: *is still a planet*

Sora: Hey cool I’m apparently driving!

Donald: I’m going to regret this.

Sora: But hey, look, a planet’s already unlocked without us having to go on a bullshit Gummi route!

Donald: Yeah, but why can’t all of them work like that?!

Goofy: Who cares, it’s Hollow Bastion, we can say hi to people we vaguely tolerate!

Sora: Good thing this thing doesn’t actually run on smiles, or our faces would hurt something fierce right now.

Donald: Yeah, that part in the manga was just creepy.

Sora: Hang on, I wanna try something…

Chip: Huh? You wanna go back to Twilight Town?

Dale: Well you can’t. Because plot or something.

Sora: Balls. *goes to Hollow Bastion*

~…Hang on, weren’t we just following the main characters, what gives.~

Pete: *sneaks into the top of a tower somewhere* …Maleficent? You here, buddy? Damn, maybe she really is dead for good.

Maleficent’s crow thing: *flies toward the tower*

Pete: And this “castle” that’s really just made up of five or so towers is a dump. I ain’t cleaning this up. Maybe if I was around to help last year this wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe it would’ve happened sooner, Iunno.

Maleficent’s crow thing: *lands on the balcony, catching Pete’s attention*

Pete: Oh snap.

~THIS CAN ONLY LEAD TO GOOD THINGS.~

Moogle: Look at all the people on this planet, kupo! The vast majority of them will completely disappear as soon as this cutscene’s finished, kupo!

Louie: You can just barely see me running one of the shops, but yeah, we somehow made it over here as well, and didn’t age a day for the entire year you’ve been gone!

Sora: Despite the menu identifying this planet as Hollow Bastion, I’m completely flabbergasted that this planet is Hollow Bastion!

Goofy: Looks like shit’s starting to get built around here.

Donald: Hope Squall and the others aren’t fucking anything up.

Goofy: Oh good, Heartless are on rooftops now.

Hollow Bastion title card: HEY DID YOU KNOW THIS PLACE WAS HOLLOW BASTION?!

Sora: Cool, I can immediately see some puzzle pieces! And I can immediately see that I can’t get to one of them unless I start leveling up my Valor form a bit more! Crap baskets! Oh look, they turned a giant four-poster bed into a place where construction equipment is stored. And by construction equipment I mean string and a couple of boxes.

Donald: HUEY, DEWEY, AND LOUIE, WHAT’RE YOU DOING HERE?!

Huey: Louie already said we somehow found our way here and are now working here!

Dewey: It’s possible that Unca Scrooge took us but it’s not a hundred percent clear. He’s over there if you wanna talk to him.

Donald: *wants to talk to him* Uncle Scrooge?!

Sora: Who dat?

Goofy: He's not Donald's uncle, he's his mother's younger brother. Also he’s a business typhoon.

Donald: Tycoon.

Goofy: Whatever. Before the Heartless showed up, he traveled the universe on a Gummi Ship with the King. He was helpin’ ta set up a traffic system.

Donald: Transit.

Goofy: Whatever. It does explain why he was in Radiant Garden during Birth By Sleep though.

Sora: Where’s that?

Goofy: No idea.

Uncle Scrooge: What’s with all the racket? *turns around* Oh, hey Donald. Sorry, thought a squirrel was dyin’ or something.

Sora: HA.

Uncle Scrooge: Hi, Goofy!

Goofy: How ya doin’, you old bastard!

Uncle Scrooge: Like shit, actually. I canna seem to recreate my favorite old-time ice cream. And boy do I hope ye chose to talk to me, since this is some very important foreshadowing right here. *licks the purple and brown popsicle in his hand* Well I nailed Fortescue’s earl grey flavor, anyway, but that’s not what I wanted.

Player: …If friggin’ ice cream is somehow important to the plot, something will die.

Uncle Scrooge: Oh, Squall and the others are off at Merlin’s new place. Old place. They’re at Merlin’s.

Goofy: Question.

Uncle Scrooge: What is it?

Goofy: It’s an interrogative statement used to test knowledge, but that’s not important right now. Where have you been for the past eleven years?

Uncle Scrooge: Here. On this planet. You guys were only checking out the castle last year, I was elsewhere trying to avoid Heartless. There is literally no other explanation that I can think of. Which would’ve made a great fucking side game in and of itself but fuck it. But yeah, Squall and the others are in the borough.

Sora: …The Burrow?

Weasleys: *collectively sneeze*

Sora: *enters the borough*

Claymore: *appears as a little ball of light that makes a noise before sinking back into the ground*

Donald: …Dafuq is this shit.

Yuffie: Well we had to build something to keep the town safe when we were too busy rebuilding to kick ass.

Sora: Hey, Yuffie!

Yuffie: I’d greet you back, but there’s a Dusk right behind you.

Sora: Ah, crap baskets. Don’t worry, I got this. *summons Keyblade and lays waste to the Nobodies* The hell are Samurai Nobodies still doing in play, I absorbed Roxas so if anything they should be working for me, not against me…Oh right, that subplot got cut from Days for time, I keep forgetting.

Yuffie: Conglaturations on still being able to kill minor enemies!

Sora: And thanks for not helping us at all in that entire fight!

Yuffie: Fuck you too!

Sora: Though I’m really digging the wardrobe change, are we on Advent Children outfits now?

Yuffie: Well Aerith’s outfit is from Crisis Core but otherwise basically yeah.

Donald: Are the others here too?

Yuffie: Uh-huh.

Sora: …Are Riku and the King here by any chance?

Yuffie: They are not.

Sora: Crap baskets.

Donald: You’ve been saying that a lot, you never used to.

Sora: I know, I don’t know what it is, but I like saying it.

Yuffie: You know, I had a feeling you guys’d be showing up some time around now.

Sora: Wait, what’s that over there, is that the script?

Yuffie: Why yes, yes it is!

Sora: *adopts a slightly deeper voice* “We may never meet again, except we totally will in a year or so, but we’ll never forget each other. That’s just never gonna happen, no matter what plot-induced incidents occur.”

Yuffie: Is that supposed to be Leon?

Sora: No, it was supposed to be Squall.

Yuffie: Heh, sorry, but he’s been doing that for like an entire year now and it was getting really fucking annoying so we started catering to his wishes to shut him up.

Sora: Well I have no intention of doing so.

Yuffie: That’s nice, now get to Merlin’s house already so we can go over more plot.

Sora: Hang on, I wanna grab shit first. *grabs shit first before heading inside*

Player: Hey! An AP Boost! Excellent, now to…well I would’ve immediately used it on Sora if he didn’t start the game with fifty extra AP, so…Guess I’ll just hang onto it for now…?

Cid: You can’t just get rid of hunger by feeding people cancer! That doesn’t work!

Aerith: Listen. You may be sober, and professional, and really good at your job…

Cid: My storeroom of fucks is growing low and winter is coming. *types furiously on giant computer*

Aerith: Think we should’ve gone for a widescreen monitor?

Squall: It’s fine.

Sora: For some reason a giant computer in a wizarding household is creeping me the fuck out.

Yuffie: So yeah, we called ourselves the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee to make ourselves feel more important.

Aerith: ‘SUP, NERDS!

Cid: I have a voice actor this time!

Squall: *is smiling* I knew it.

Sane Final Fantasy players: AH! SQUALL’S SMILING! RUN AWAY!

Sora: I’m gonna swallow that vomit that just came up into my mouth and ask you exactly what you think you know.

Squall: We all got selective amnesia for roughly a year or so. Couldn’t remember you guys for shit. Then suddenly we all remembered you and instantly had to take migraine medicine.

Sora: I don’t know why, but the thought of sudden forced amnesia really pisses me off.

Donald: What he said.

Yuffie: So where’ve you guys been all this time, anyway?

Goofy: In a coma.

Cid: That sounds healthy. Let’s never ask any follow-ups.

Aerith: This is great. Everyone’s together again. I’m so happy. You can tell by how enthusiastic I sound. I…was gonna make a Rapunzel joke but I just realized that I’m not voiced by Mandy Moore this time around.

Yuffie: And I’m not even Kim Possible anymore, I’m…KATARA OF THE WATER TRIBE HOLY SHIT I LOVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.

Squall: I am notably no longer David Boreanis, but am now the guy who I guess is best known for voicing Asuma and Kankurou in Naruto and Gin Ichimaru and Kisuke Urahara in Bleach. AND HOLY FUCK I PLAYED T.K. IN THE SECOND SEASON OF DIGIMON DAMN I’M AWESOME.

Sora: Thanks, IMDB!

IMDB: *plays jingle* What you do instead of things!

Sora: Oh, right, plot.

Cid: What, you’re not gonna look me up?

Sora: *ignores him* You guys seen Riku and the King?

Everyone: Nope.

Sora: Poop.

Aerith: Well, let us know if there’s anything we can do to help, okay?

Sora: Okay. Get off your asses and help us look.

Cid: No.

Squall: Besides, we need help first.

Sora: What, with Nobodies and Heartless and the like?

Yuffie: Yeah, we can take care of Nobodies no problem but Heartless have to be taken out by the Keyblade or they’ll eventually respawn somewhere else.

Sora: Ah. You probably want my help then.

Squall: Fucking…kinda.

Sora: Okay. By the way, really digging the new hairdo.

Squall: Thanks, man. *smiles some more*

Sane Final Fantasy players: HE’S SMILING AGAIN MOMMY MAKE THE PAIN STOP!

Donald: You look better with an actual moving smile than with a creepy static smile.

Aerith: AUGH, CREEPY STATIC SMILE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Squall: *goes to the door* Follow me to the bailey so you’ll know what your goal for the middle of the game’s gonna be. *leaves*

Merlin: *Apparates into his house before Sora can follow Squall* Oh hai Sora.

Donald: It’s Merlin!

Sora and Goofy: Yes, we know who he is.

Yuffie: They said they’d help and shit.

Merlin: Good. Didja give them their membership cards?

Aerith: Apparently my skirt has pockets. That’s fucking revolutionary. *hands Sora a purple credit card* They’re really supposed to just be membership cards. Don’t ask me why Squall settled on purple, it’s just the way he’s rolling right now. Also according to the manga the shops’ll give you a five percent discount but I don’t think that applies here.

Sora: …Why am I just an honorary member, I understand that you guys’ve been building shit for nearly a year but I’m the one who made this planet habitable again in the first place and am gonna be the one who fights monsters from here on out.

Donald: Whatever, I’m just glad I’m included this time.

Goofy: It is cool how we both get one as well despite generally being totally ineffectual.

Sora: Thanks, Squa…Oh right, he went to the bailey. Ah, no! We’re supposed to be at the bailey! Now where the fuck’s the bailey. What the fuck is a bailey.

Merlin: Hold up, need to give you magic shit.

Sora: Oh yeah, starting JRPGs with nothing despite the fact that they’re sequels.

Yuffie: Maybe the coma took more of a toll on you than anyone thought?

Merlin: Oh for fuck’s sake, here, automatically learn how to cast magic again after we’re done talking.

Sora: How much magic are you gonna give me?

Merlin: Just a few spells. And by a few I mean one.

Donald: Okay, fine, whatever, let’s just go already.

Sora: Blizzard first? Okay, weird but okay.

Aerith: Squall went to the bailey. Don’t make him wait too long, okay?

Sora: TIME PROGRESSES WHEN I SAY IT DOES. *looks at Merlin’s bag* This have some kind of Undetectable Extension Charm on it or something?

Yuffie: If you go to the right from here and climb the stairs, you’ll arrive at the bailey. There are Heartless roaming about, so prepare yourselves at the marketplace.

Sora: Already kind of did. *looks at a journal of all the planets Merlin has visited* Radiant Garden and Traverse Town. Fascinating. Wonder what this Radiant Garden place is that I keep hearing about, sounds interesting. *looks at notes on the future* DUDES I’M GOING TO A HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME PLANET EVENTUALLY.

Goofy: Awesome, I unironically love that movie except for the gargoyles!

Donald: The gargoyles were really the only bad thing about it, the rest was good to fantastic, it’s just that the gargoyles were in so much of it.

Sora: …Why does Merlin have a machine for magical research. And why am I flabbergasted at the closet Merlin always shrinks, he shrinks everything! That’s kind of the fucking point! Aaaaaand now I’m going through Merlin’s bed for his beard hair so I can Polyjuice as him later I guess, because otherwise why even bring it up that’s nasty.

Merlin: Hmm…It seems your clothes are designed to gather energy when you use up your magic. In that case, use up all your magic whenever you want, your MP will recharge eventually anyway. You can boost your Life Fiber link through the force of your will, too!

Sora: You know about Life Fibers?

Merlin: Bitch I know about everything.

Sora: And now I’m in love with this game again. And I found the one book in this huge-ass fucking pile of books that specifically details the spells you’ve created. Like this one labeled “For enemies,” I’ll have to try that one out later. Hey, a blackboard! That’s probably used for strategy meetings and shit! And this computer has apparently been modified for Cid’s personal use, I’m psychic enough to know!

Goofy: Why are you commenting on fucking everything you see?

Sora: ‘Cause the game gave me the option to and I fucking feel like it.

Cid: Have you seen the town’s defense devices? They’re called Claymores. They’re not as powerful as you, but depending on how you use them, they can really help.

Sora: *looking at blueprints and illustrations of the town’s layout and power grid* Uh-huh, sure. AND NOW TO CHEAT LIKE FUCKING HELL. *goes outside and activates his two-star Goku uniform, a.k.a. his Valor Form, kills everything he can reach before the Drive Gauge runs out, goes back inside Merlin’s house, leaves the planet, and comes back with the Drive Gauge full again before repeating the process so his clothes will level up* Wait, the Valor Form’s at level three and I can’t level up anymore? What gives, did I fuck up somehow?

Merlin: You didn’t fail, Sora. Your power surpassed the uniform’s limitations, is all.

Sora: How do I get it past this?

Merlin: Wait for the game to move on and for it to let you.

Sora: That's horseshit. That's crap. Coming out of a horse's butt. Oh well, at least I got High Jump out of it. *takes a look at the puzzle pieces he’s collected so far* Awakening looks like it’ll be easy enough to fill out, as will Heart…but just looking at Sunset makes my stomach churn, that’s gonna take some doing… *goes to the bailey finally to continue with the plot*

Squall: JESUS CHRIST I’VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR HOURS WHAT’VE YOU BEEN DOING.

Sora: Leveling up so I can still be vaguely more powerful than the enemy since I’m playing on Critical.

Squall: Okay, your story checks out. Now check out that view.

Sora: It looks like another castle or something almost entirely made of towers—Oh. You mean the sea of Shadows.

Squall: Yyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaahh…We want to rebuild this planet either to its original magnificence or maybe something even cooler than that. The rebuilding of the planet isn’t much of a problem, and we could probably even handle some of the enemies…except when there are that fucking many. Also occasional Nobodies.

Sora: Can you wait until like the halfway point of the game?

Squall: Sure, fine, whatever. So since you’ve been off-planet, do you know what’s going on?

Sora: There’s a classic Disney character, Pete, who’s joined with apparently Maleficent despite the fact that we murdered her and is sending Heartless to every planet under her out-of-date orders. But even though he’s created this massive ocean of Heartless you see before you, the Nobodies are way smarter and way stronger.

Goofy: The strongest of them even banded together to create Organization XIII, even though it’s only made up of six people.

Xemnas: I heard that, Goofy.

Sora: What was that noise? *runs outside*

Saïx: Long time, no see.

Sora: Well I can’t see you, so show yourselves! *summons Keyblade*

Xemnas: Sounds good to me. But first… *summons a bunch of Dusks*

Sora: Shit, they’re heading for town!

Squall: Don’t worry, the gate’s somehow closing on its own!

Sora: Yeah but they can break the gate down, idiot!

Squall: Ah, right. *helps Sora wipe out all the Nobodies and keep the gate from breaking down* Well. Sure taught them what for.

Sora: Well at least I spontaneously learned how to commit arson again from that fight.

Xemnas: OOOOH LOOK AT THAT SHIT, I’M SO HYPED! I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS! Pity this guy’s not as strong as others could have been…

Sora: Hey, I’m only level sixteen, leave me alone. Actually don’t, show yourselves so I can fight you.

Xemnas: *Apparates onto the wall* Hey.

Sora: Hey.

Xemnas: *raises his hands dramatically, summoning the other five*

Organization XIII: *are all wearing hoods so I’m just guessing who’s who based on voice and manner*

Goofy: Cool, we’re fighting the main villains of the game before the game even actually begins!

Sora: I’m down with that!

Xemnas: You sure you don’t want to work with us instead of against us?

Sora: …No, not really.

Xemnas: Crap baskets. *leave with the others who are all chortling*

Donald: HEY, GET BACK HERE! *starts to run down the stairs but is stopped by Xigbar Apparating in front of him* HOLY FUCK YOU CAN TELEPORT?!

Xigbar: Oh my, I didn’t scare you, did I?

Sora: Get out of our way or fight us!

Xigbar: Just those two choices? As if! And you’re not being very nice, are you?

Sora: Move. Or fight us.

Xigbar: Enh…Naaaah.

Donald: Then we’re gonna make you move! Or fight us!

Xigbar: I’m quaking in my boots. Look, I’m way more powerful than you guys right now.

Sora: Which is why you chose to sit back and watch us slaughter your pathetically weak underlings.

Xigbar: Which was called testing your strength, you fucking idiot.

Sora: Keep telling yourself that, sport.

Xigbar: Do I have to jog your memory as to how powerful I am?

Sora: You make it sound like we’ve met before or something. I’m not buying it. *glares*

Xigbar: *cackles maniacally* You two really do have the exact same fucking face! The three of you, really!

Sora: You make no sense whatsoever.

Xigbar: But I will. Oh, ho ho…I will…Anyway, be a good boy, now, kiddo! Disapparate!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: *throws their hands up over their faces* Ah, magic!

Donald: Nuts! He got away!

Sora: You can say “nuts” in that context in a kid’s game? Okay then. Also who the fuck was he talking about.

Goofy: No one. He was just making shit up to freak you out.

Sora: You’re right. There’s only four of me, after all! Erm…One, I meant one. Don’t know why I keep saying things. *takes out membership card* For some reason I’m gonna use this to confirm my identity.

Squall: You’re a weird guy.

Sora: Hey, thanks for not helping us out against those stronger cloaked Nobodies just now.

Squall: Don’t mention it.

Sora: Grarg.

Membership card: Apparently all you had to do was acknowledge me as your ID or whatever and I’d activate another Gummi ship route planet thing whatever for you. *starts floating and glowing*

Keyblade: *also starts glowing*

Squall: What the fuck is happening.

Goofy: A way for us to visit more Disney movies again.

Sora: Why is a glowy crown insignia appearing under my feet.

Membership card: *shoots out a bolt of light up into the air that creates the shape of a Keyhole*

Sora: I don’t understand why everything’s suddenly cloudy and I can’t see anyone in proximity to me anymore, but who cares, I’m zapping this shit. *shoots light into the Keyhole with his Keyblade* Yep, I just unlocked two planets with that bolt of light or whatever.

Donald: MULAN PLANET NEXT LET’S GO LET’S GO LET’S GO.

Sora: AW SHIT YEAH! Sorry, Squall, gotta run, way more interesting planets to check out!

Squall: Well if the Mulan planet is next I completely understand.

Sora: Okay, be back after a couple of planets or so probably or just when I feel like leveling up or whatever!

Squall: *smiles at them again as he gives a kind of salute*

Sane Final Fantasy players: SERIOUSLY, SQUALL, YOU’RE SCARING THE CHILDREN. STOP IT.

~Wow, another Ansem’s Secret Report already, we’re just flying through these.~

Xaldin: *Apparates into his chair* Okay, does he really have the power to wield the Keyblade, ‘cause he looked kinda weak just there. I know he was in a coma for a year, but still, he’s just a scrawny kid.

Xigbar: …Dude. Roxas was a scrawny kid all during last year and you never complained then. Also the younger he is that just means the stronger his heart is, which is more than any of us can say.

Saïx: Good, ‘cause if he’s not, we should kill him right now.

Luxord: Why do all of us have our hoods up? We never used to do this in Days. *summons cards and starts fucking around with them just so we’re certain as to which one he is*

Demyx: Let’s just let the kid do his own thing for now, and if the time comes when we need to send him to do something, we’ll jump in and fuck with the plot.

Xigbar: I thought you had the remnants of social anxiety, what’re you doing volunteering for shit?

Demyx: Oh I’m not volunteering, not by a long shot, I’m just suggesting smart-ish ideas.

Xaldin: You do know that that social anxiety of yours is just a myth, right? None of us have the capacity for emotions, much less mental health problems.

Luxord: So we gotta wait to interfere? That’s no fun.

Saïx: Just remember: All of you better continue following orders and never fuck up even once, or we’ll turn you into a Dusk or terminate you ourselves.

Xemnas: Saïx, shut the fuck up, we have too few members left as it is. And who even cares, the game’s officially started for realzies. Let’s make sure the main characters involved actually remember this one for fucking once, the last two’s gimmicks have gotten real old real fast. Now fuck off.

Saïx: How shall we fuck off, O Lord? *is already Disapparating with the others*

~Well that was fucking awesome, I weirdly miss some of those guys.~

Sora: *is in the Gummi Ship* Hang on, I know for a fact that there were treasures and shit in the area I didn’t have the freedom to walk around in! *goes back to Merlin’s house*

Merlin: Magic can be combined with other actions and is very useful. Many people are susceptible to it as well, so don’t forget the training I didn’t give you when I just handed out spells this time.

Yuffie: Like I said before, this town is equipped with defense devices. They can be helpful. Fighting alongside them should make it easier for you.

Sora: Sure, it takes a couple HP off the Heartless and makes them sail into the air which makes hitting them easier, I guess. Otherwise they kind of get in the way.

Cid: They say the city can’t be rebuilt without using computers. Merlin was against them, though, saying they just got in the way. I said his face was what was getting in the way!

Sora: Nice. *goes up to the marketplace first to drop some more shit off with the Moogle*

Scrooge: I made a skateboard to sell as a new product. But I’m not actually going to sell it, I’m going to let you ride around on it for no reason.

Sora: WHY AM I INSTANTLY GOOD AT THIS. IS IT BECAUSE ROXAS WAS INSTANTLY GOOD AT THIS OR IS IT BECAUSE VEN HAD A SPACE HOVERBOARD.

Aerith: You’re all working together to protect what’s important to you. You can carry on precisely because you’re together. And everyone on the planet knows that if you win with friendship you win at life!

Squall: It’ll take a while, but so long as we keep at it, this world will return to normal. You’re free to go your own way now. Be careful, Sora.

Sora: *goes past the bailey to where he ran into Organization XIII* YAY ANOTHER PUZZLE PIECE. Wait, why is this gate here.

Donald: To artificially cut off our progress until the halfway point of the game I think.

Sora: Balls. *leaves planet* Ah shit, we have to do Gummi missions again? And just when I was falling in love with the fact that you didn’t have to do anything to get from planet to planet.

Goofy: At least after each planet’s unlocked, going through the routes again is only optional for the sake of trophies, right?

Sora: I guess…

~Doing both routes first because sometimes you need to get unpleasant shit out of the way.~

Chapter Text

~…Did we already head up to the destroyed village in the Tung-Shao pass, what’s going on here.~

Shan-Yu’s falcon: *flies over the burning wreckage of some village or other*

Shan-Yu: *is standing in the middle of the wreckage like a badass…sans the rest of the Huns*

Shan-Yu’s falcon: *lands on Shan-Yu’s shoulder* Dude what’re we even doing here.

Shan-Yu: Being creepy and badass.

~But enough of that, let’s get back to shit that actually happened in the movie.~

Mushu: Damn, we already get to see the main villain of the movie way before we’re supposed to! Now that just don’t make no sense.

Player: Christ that is not Eddie Murphy.

Mushu: But hey, if we manage to kick that guy’s ass, you’ll qualify for Disney Princess status despite not being related to or marrying into any kind of royalty whatsoever!

Mulan: How is this before I even joined the army, I’m supposed to just be meeting you and you should’ve ditched the stupid shadow puppet gag. *sighs* Who am I fooling. It’s going to take a miracle to get me into the army.

Mushu: Which is why I was sent, don’t even worry about it.

Mulan: …My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?

Mushu: Hey. Dragon. Dragon, not lizard. I don’t do that tongue thing. *does that tongue thing*

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: *see a young person cowering before a mighty dragon’s shadow*

Donald: We should go protect that young person from that Heartless-looking thing!

Sora: I couldn’t agree more!

Goofy: Guys, it’s obviously just a shadow, what’re you even doing.

Mulan: *sees Sora and Donald try to attack them, then grabs Mushu and attempts to defend him with her body*

Sora and Donald: Wait, what.

Goofy: How am I recognizing Mushu right now.

Mushu: Damn right, I’m Mushu! My powers are beyond your mortal imaginations!

Sora: I don’t know how we’re recognizing him either, but I know he’s lying about that shit.

Mushu: Wait, who even are these guys…Sora? Donald? Goofy? I guess I could sense you guys even though I was a rock at the time?

Mulan: Do you know them?

Mushu: Not really. When our planet was destroyed — Oh by the way our planet was destroyed but don’t worry about it — I somehow qualified as having a particularly strong heart which is complete bullshit but whatevs, and these guys could summon me into battle whenever they wanted to.

Sora: And yet we never did because summoning any of you guys was bullshit. So what’s your name?

Mulan: Uh, I…uh, I, uh…

Sora: I just asked you a question.

Mushu: …Ling, how ‘bout Ling?

Mulan: I psychically know a soldier I’ll soon be working with’s name is Ling.

Sora: I didn’t ask for a soldier we’ll be meeting later’s name, I asked for yours.

Mushu: …A…A-choo!

Mulan: A-Choo!

Sora: A-Choo?

Mushu: Gesundheit. Hehehe, I kill myself.

Mulan: Mushu…

Sora: You’re name’s also Mushu?

Mulan: No!

Sora: Then what is it?!

Mushu: …Ping! Ping was my best friend growing up!

Ping: It’s Ping!

Donald: *eyebrow raise* Ping.

Mushu: Of course, Ping did steal my— *gets stomped on by Ping*

Ping: Yes. My name is Ping, son of Fa Zhou.

Sora: I didn’t know Fa Zhou had a son!

Ping: H-He doesn’t talk about me much. *tries to spit and fails*

Sora: Heh, I’m just kidding, I don’t even know who Fa Zhou even is. How do you know Mushu?

Ping: He’s one of my family guardians.

Goofy: Neat.

Mushu: And now you’re gonna help out Ping because I said so.

Ping: …Why?

Mushu: What? They always get involved in movie plots! Ain’t that right?

Sora: Why not, I don’t have friends to save!

Mushu: All right, a bunch of strong manly-men off to join the army! Let’s go meet up with the other wacky sidekick characters!

Ping: Seriously, come with us, please? It’ll be easier to fit in if I know how dudes are supposed to act.

Sora: …I don’t get it.

Mushu: Good. No one explain it to him.

Goofy: Tough, I’m doing it anyway. Ping’s biologically female.

Sora: Ohhhh, gotcha.

Donald: Do you identify as male, then?

Mulan: No, I consider myself a female, it’s just that women aren’t allowed to join the army so I have to pretend to be a boy in order to do anything. At least you guys didn’t notice.

Sora: Well the bun threw me off at first but then I remembered everyone had longish hair in the movie. ‘Cept for the bald ones.

Mulan: Good to know the disguise actually worked on some people!

Mushu: I’m just flabbergasted that Sora and Donald are dumber than Goofy.

Donald: Wait, due to stereotyping, I gotta know: how are your feet not bound.

Mushu: I’m pretty sure the movie did in fact take place before foot binding became a thing.

Sora: That’s a relief, at least. Weird how we can all randomly understand Chinese for some reason, though.

Land of Dragons title card: Simplistic yet stylistic, I like it.

Sora: Okay, definitely including Ping in the party, and…Donald knows Cure already and I’m playing on Critical. Okay, let’s try using Donald, and then if he dies or doesn’t do shit that’s useful I’ll swap him out with Goofy again. That okay with you, Goof?

Goofy: Sure thing, I’m easy! A-hyuk!

Sora: Awesome. *goes to the camp*

Mushu: Okay, show ‘em your man walk. Stand up straight, shoulders back feet apart, head up, and strut!

Sora: …Guess we should’ve told him that there’s not much difference in walking apart from maybe having your thighs a slight distance further apart due to difference in bone structure. But who cares, this is just entertaining. *gets in line to sign up I guess*

Yao: *shoves him out of the way* What are you looking at. Also this is the food line.

Sora: Hey, I was in line first!

Donald: Tremble in fear at the giant talking duck!

Yao: I’m just gonna assume you’re a family guardian or something.

Sora: …That’s actually pretty decent Fridge Logic for these two being on this planet.

Yao: AND THEN I’M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!

Sora: *is punched in the face* …Ow?!

Donald: I’LL DEFEND YOUR HONOR, SORA!

Yao: I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make your ancestors dizzy!

Goofy: We should do something!

Ping: Should we do something?

Ling: Hey cool, they’re not in line anymore so we can cut in!

Chien-Po: I wonder what they’re serving for lunch today.

Ling: Well in the movie it looked like rice.

Chien-Po: I can deal with that.

Yao: And now to include you guys in the fight for no reason!

Sora and Donald: WHEEEEEEEEE~!

Chien-Po: Some people.

Ping: Oh would you stop it already!

Ling, Yao, Sora, and Donald: *all stop and stare at him*

Ling: …I know I’ve heard that voice before…

Yao: Anyone ever tell you you sound like the Cavalry?

Ping: *glares* Don’t ever call me that.

Yao: Seriously, you sound exactly like Agent May.

Sora: Can we get back to the part where you started punching me for no reason?

Donald: Also you cut in front of us, that’s just rude.

Ling: Friggin’ chicken boy!

Mushu: Chicken boy?! Say that to my face, ya limp noodle!

Ping: *shoves Mushu back into his armor* Ignore that random dragon that just popped out of my shirt and go back to getting food, okay?

Sora: Not gonna stick up for me getting punched in the face, huh? Fine, I see how it is.

Yao: What, can’t take a little pain?

Sora: Not from ostensibly good guys, no!

Shang: Everyone shut up!

Ling: Shit, it’s the Captain, everyone get back in line!

Everyone: *gets back in line*

Shang: I’m just not going to question why a couple of family guardians are here or who this…Caucasian kid? He’s got blue eyes, Iunno…Whatever, if you’ve got dicks you’re in.

Sora: Still wanna beat up Yao.

Chien-Po: A natural reaction.

Sudden Heartless: *appear suddenly*

Ping: …And here I thought we were fighting the Huns.

Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po: *run the fuck away*

Sora: Oh great. *takes out all the Heartless*

Ping: *doesn’t die necessarily, but otherwise is more useless than Donald ever was in all of the first game*

Shang: You three. What are your names?

Sora: Sora.

Donald: Donald.

Goofy: Goofy.

Shang: You all have proven yourselves quite well despite one of you not actually contributing to the fight.

Ping: So my dad’s Fa Zhou—

Shang: We’re not even bothering with training in this version, apparently, as I only want pre-trained soldiers and you do not qualify as such.

Ping: …Gwah? Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po ran away, at least I stayed and fought! And I didn’t see you doing any fighting for that matter either!

Shang: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

Ping: …You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Sora: Relax, we’ll train him for you so you won’t have to do one of the catchiest and most enjoyable musical montages in recent Disney, we wouldn’t want that to take place, now would we?

Shang: This is true…

Sora: Look, just give us a random assignment that is actually important to the war effort instead of any kind of actual training exercise and we’ll prove how awesome we are.

Shang: Sure, fine, whatever. Our orders are to ambush Shan-Yu’s army as they come through the Tung-Shao Pass.

Donald: Sure thing, we’ve handled worse.

Shang: You misunderstand. You’re just scouting ahead so that the real soldiers can push through.

Sora: Not a problem—

Shang: After you handle these three “Kill Heartless In the Checkpoint And Camp” missions.

Sora: …D-Ranks? What are we, genin?!

Ping: It really is too deeply ingrained, isn’t it…

Shang: Just do missions, you’ll get EXP if nothing else. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Ping: SIR! *go around talking to people first*

Chien-Po: I’m Chien-Po. That short one there’s Yao, and the skinny guy’s Ling. Say, what were those things earlier? Is that what we’re up against? I thought we were fighting the Huns!

Sora: *sees the pole with the arrow sticking out of the top and starts humming “To Be A Man” under his breath*

Yao: Just when I was about to destroy those creepy things, they got scared and took flight! This is a strange company.

Ling: There’s a path leading to the palace from the checkpoint, but it’s closed now. Maybe after the plot demands we actually go to the palace, though, they’ll let us through.

Soldier A: Shan-Yu has a falcon that’s rumored to look ferocious. You know, like most falcons. Did you see that burnt village, though? Imagine what he’ll do to us!

Shang: Mission. Do.

Ping: ...Can I ask you guys a question before we do the mission?

Sora: Sure, what is it?

Ping: It's an interrogative statement used to test knowledge, but that's not important right now. Exactly...why did all of you feel the need to beat each other up just because you wanted a better place in line?

Goofy: Don't try to discern tough-guy logic.

Donald: It's true.

Sora: Macho logic is confusing.

Goofy: I've never understood the, the, the mindset of the tough man, 'cause I am not one of those.

Entire army: WAIT WHAT.

Donald: *hastily* As we are huge wimpy cowards, it is not in our nature.

Entire army: Oh, okay then.

Ping: ...So...

Sora: Yeah we have no clear answer for you other than some people think you have to beat people up constantly to even be considered a man.

Ping: That sounds both stupid and psychologically harmful.

Sora: BOY DOES IT.*picks the mission where he kills Heartless at the checkpoint*

Shang: That was okay I guess but you still have two more to do before the plot can progress.

Sora: *picks another one where he kills Heartless at the checkpoint*

Shang: …Okay, that was actually pretty good.

Sora: I KNOW, RIGHT?

Ling: There are explosives in the tent, so be careful. If you mess around too much next to the tent…KA-BOOM! Get the picture!

Sora: Absolutely try that next time I have to fight in this area, got it.

Chien-Po: A whirlwind came and blew me to the top of the turret. If it did that to me, imagine what it could do to the others.

Sora: …There are no whirlwinds in this area but okay.

Yao: On the way to the mountain, you’ll come to a checkpoint. Beyond that is the mountain trail. The whole place is swarming with enemies. For what it’s worth, be careful.

Ping: …Who are you and what have you done with Yao.

Soldier A: All’s quiet here. You’d better take your mission seriously. If you don’t do it quickly, Captain Shang’s gonna have your hide.

Sora: *picks the last mission where he kills Heartless at the camp…where everyone else in the army is suspiciously nowhere to be found despite him just chatting with them in that exact location*

Shang: Fantastic. Great. Amazing.

Sora: Well give us harder missions next time.

Ping: So how’d I do?

Shang: Let me think…You killed hundreds of unholy demons while we pussied out and hid in the corner…Yeah, you clearly still fail at life and I don’t want you in my army.

Donald: Okay, you’re an asshole…

Ping: Dude, you’ve seen me fight, I suck. Maybe if I had some training

Shang: It's like I'm not training you because I wanna watch you fail. Anyway, basically clear out the next area so we can get to an actual village we have to defend apparently.

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Ping: M’kay.

Yao: The path to the summit is a dangerous one. Many boulders block the way. You’ll have to figure out a way to remove these boulders so you can pass.

Soldier A: The entire country’s terrified of Shan-Yu’s brutality. I know I have my orders, but why do I have to be put in danger?

Sora: Because you fucking signed up for this?

Ping: No, actually, we all got drafted for this.

Sora: Oh. Erm, sorry…

Chien-Po: A smart soldier is prepared for anything. Don’t forget to take enough items with you.

Sora: I have to sell the potions I keep picking up so it’s under ninety-nine, I’m good.

Ling: You’ll have to take the mountain trail to the summit. Go well armed. There are a lot of enemies.

Ping: …Okay, I know you’re vaguely nicer than Yao, but seriously, why are you guys being so helpful, Chien-Po’s the only one I can really believe.

Sora: *goes up to the mountain pass* So we gotta break a bunch of rocks while also fending off constantly respawning Heartless? Sounds easy enough—Jesus, where did these centaur guys come from?!

Assault Rider: I have a name—

Sora: Why are you purple…I just noticed that Final Mix also has monster pallet swaps. *kills everything and eventually makes it all the way to the top*

Yao: *comes up behind them* Way to take care of all the fighting for us so we don’t have to do jack shit!

Ling: Keep this up and we won’t have to see any action at all!

Ping: And you’re…happy about this? *watches as they go past him* Well at least the Captain has to acknowledge that I actually made a fucking effort…

Sora: Why don’t you ask him yourself?

Shang: *walks up to them*

Goofy: Hey, I know we sound like we’re overhyping the guy, but I literally didn’t even bother fighting, Ping actually did stuff.

Donald: What he said.

Shang: Sure, fine, whatever, I’ll take your word for it. But I still don’t think you’re suited for the rage of war. I want you to pack up and go home, as if you’re through. I mean, how could I make a man out of you?

Donald and Goofy:Actually fucking train him?!

Sora: Exactly, this is just fucking stupid. What the hell’s your excuse this time?

Ping: Don’t worry, Captain, I’ll cut you off so you don’t have to come up with an ass-pull of an answer.

Shang: That’s the spirit, Ping!

Sora: What are we even doing here. And why are we suddenly in the village talking to Mushu who is blatantly standing out in public.

Mushu: DUDES I SAW SHAN-YU GOING INTO A CAVE JUST OUTSIDE THIS VILLAGE.

Ping: …Well that’s convenient.

Sora: We have to tell the Captain right away! He’s the Hun leader, we can’t take him alone! I mean, I probably can, but Ping definitely can’t.

Ping: Oh that is cold, dog.

Sora: But seriously, it would make us look like responsible soldiers if we did that.

Ping: I do want to be considered a responsible soldier.

Mushu: Oh hell naw, girl, you can’t do that! You gotta be the recklessly heroic type! Just think about the possibilities!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: *go into their standard Thinking Poses*

Mushu: Now, remember why we’re here? We’re trying to make Mulan look like a badass, that’s why!

Sora: Call him Ping, practice helps with keeping up the illusion.

Ping: Thank you, Sora.

Mushu: Who cares about that, if we kill Shan-Yu now then we’ll have saved the entire planet essentially! Then Mulan will be hailed as a war hero and her family honor will never be in question again!

Ping: …My gut says be responsible but the plot says be stupid.

Mushu: Heroic.

Sora: Stupid. And we’re in. Because we are also stupid.

Mushu: PERFECT. Shan-Yu is in a cave just outside of the village that the military force currently stationed here couldn’t be bothered to check out, even thought you’d think that checking out the entire area before you settle would be standard procedure but what do I know.

Disney fans: …Was that cave in the movie?

Chien-Po: It’s so quiet up here that it’s making me hungry…

Game makers: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE’S FAT AH HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Shang: We don’t know where the enemy is, or what traps they’ve set. Be prepared for anything.

Sora, Donald, and Ping: *sweat nervously*

Yao: You can reach the summit by climbing up here. I don’t see why anyone would want to go there, though, unless they had to.

Ling: See that cave back there? The one we made sure not to explore before we set up camp here for some reason even thought that would seem like the most basic of basic things to check out? It looks pretty creepy, kinda like something might jump right out! Which is the sole reason why we haven’t thoroughly checked it out apparently.

~Don’t you love people who are good at their jobs?~

Chapter Text

~And now we’re back. Aren’t you thrilled.~

Sora: In we go, then! *goes in* …Well this is a cute little shrine and I like the ambiance the candles are giving off, but where’s the dude we were looking for?

Donald: Seriously, did he slip out while we weren’t looking or something, ‘cause somehow I doubt that, Ling was right there.

Mushu: Maybe he was hiding by some of the cannons that are somehow in here despite no one in the army bothering to check inside? I know we didn’t blow all of them up for some reason.

Goofy: Me and Donald’ll go check up on that.

Sora: Cool…What’s with that earthquake…

Ping: …This can’t be good.

Mushu: Oh it’s fine.

Invisible wall: *appears, separating Donald and Goofy from Ping and Sora. And Mushu*

Shan-Yu: Seriously, how is no one noticing me or attacking me. *leaves the cave to go destroy the village*

Heartless: *appear*

Sora: Oh good, something I actually know we can handle. *destroys them all* Wow, you actually are getting marginally better at this, Ping!

Invisible wall: *disappears*

Goofy: Well that went well.

Sora: Yeah, no thanks to you two. Or you ever on this planet…which is weird…

Ping: No but seriously, we need to talk to the Captain about all this shit, I don’t care if Shan-Yu was actually here or not.

Mushu: Don’t forget to overhype everything in Ping’s favor!

Sora: We’ll kinda have to…Sorry, Ping…

Ping: No, you’re right. You’re not wrong. In fact you’re correct. *exits cave with the others*

Village: *is now burnt to shit*

Sora: Damn it, and I was still missing a puzzle piece!

Ping: Really, Sora? *takes a closer look and sees Shang injured*

Shang: OH I’M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

Ping: Audible gasp!

Sora: Okay, might be a good idea to stop moving. Donald, Cure?

Donald: This is a cutscene, I can’t do that!

Shang: Damn it, I thought Ping was supposed to be the injured one!

Ping: Captain, who did this and where did they go?

Shang: They went to poorly reenact one of the coolest parts of the movie up near the summit.

Ping: Okay, let’s do the thing!

Goofy: It kinda is our fault.

Ping: …The crap did you figure that out? We stopped more Heartless from killing the survivors.

Goofy: That’s a good way to look at it, true.

Mushu: That does make me feel slightly better for being the reason you guys went into the cave in the first place.

Donald: So?

Sora: Who even cares, the village is asploaded and it’s time for us to kill shit. Captain, ignore the tiny red dragon just now and search for survivors, we’ll handle all the actual fighting like always. *looks determinedly around the burned-down village* YOU WILL BE AVENGED! YOU WILL BE AVENGED! I WILL CALL THE AVENGERS, AND YOU WILL BE AVENGED, COULSON!

Donald: Erm, China, or something.

Sora: Right, that.

Chien-Po: Shan-Yu attacked the village with some creatures I’ve never seen before despite them routinely attacking the camp earlier. A falcon even captured some of us. Because falcons can do that.

Yao: Look at what they did to this village. How could anyone be so brutal…? We can’t get away with this. Let’s show them what we’re made of!

Ling: I saw Shan-Yu with my own eyes. A falcon was on his shoulder, and he was laughing. He had a beast-like glow in his eyes that made my hair stand on end.

Sora: Neat. *goes up to the summit*

Shan-Yu’s falcon: *flies up to Shan-Yu and lands on his shoulder*

Army of Rapid Thrusters: *try their hardest to live up to the Hun army but without the music, the Chinese army looking terrified, or the sheer scope of the threat, utterly fail*

Sora: …Just these weaklings? If it was the centaur guys I’d be afraid, but these? Whatevs, man!

Shan-Yu: I’M REALLY INTIMIDATING! *sends the Rapid Thrusters down the mountain*

Sora: Why am I suddenly fighting on my own. Also these guys have to have the most unfortunate name of all the Heartless ever created. *kills a bunch before the game says he’s done even though there are clearly plenty left* Damn it, I wanted more EXP. Only got seventy-two of the fuckers…Which apparently means I got rid of all of them, sure, why the fuck not.

Shan-Yu: …Well that was anti-climactic. NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~! *starts running down the mountain with way more Rapid Thrusters*

Sora: …I think I’d be way more intimidated if I didn’t watch the movie before coming here.

Yao: *bursts into song* Here we come to save the daaaaay!

Ling: Seriously, though, let us actually do something for once.

Yao: *aims the cannon he’s carrying at Shan-Yu while Ling and Chien-Po do nothing.

Ping: …I’ve got a cunning plan. *grabs Yao’s cannon and starts running up the mountain, aiming the cannon at the mountain above them instead*

Mushu: All right, you might want to light that right about now! Quickly, quickly!

Ping: *grabs Mushu and forces him to breathe fire onto the cannon, which he hops onto for some reason right before it goes off*

Mushu: YOU MISSED! HOW COULD YOU MISS, HE WAS THREE FEET IN FRONT OF YOU! *crashes into the mountain with the cannon*

Avalanche: *starts*

Ping: *bursts into song* EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!

Sora: Captain, we did a thing!

Shang: I’m apparently better now!

Ping: Yeah, that’s great, now how ‘bout we all get out of the way of the fucking avalanche?!

Shan-Yu: *is buried*

Ping: *grabs Shang’s hand and runs*

Sora, Donald, Goofy, Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po: *also run*

Avalanche: *finally finishes in a way that was way less exciting than its movie counterpart*

Shang: …Well that was hype as fuck.

Ping: *blushing* I-It’s not like I saved you because I like you or anything…b-baka…

Shang: Yeah but now I feel like a piece of shit for not ever saying you were good enough to be in the army. From now on, I will actually fucking train my soldiers. Oh and I forever trust you or something.

Ping: *does a happy spin dance of squee*

Mushu: *pops out of the snow like a daisy* Okay, that was straight-up guardian abuse, that’s what that was. Now I’m going to just shout for the world to hear that Mulan’s a chick and that we’ve been lying this whole time, I’m sure that won’t cause anyone to resent my character more than they already possibly do.

Ping: …That did not just happen.

Mushu: *sees Shang standing right the fuck there* …Should probably be a little more aware of my surroundings…

Shang: I’m just gonna not even bother questioning the random red dragon and just take its word for it that Ping’s actually a chick called Mulan.

Ping: …W-Why would you randomly believe that without any actual evidence?

Shang: Because this is a kid’s game, we can’t imply that tits exist.

Ping: Ours was a kid’s movie, yes we fucking can.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: What’re we even talking about right now?

Shang: You guys knew Ping was a chick, didn’t you?

Sora and Donald: “What’re you even saying, he’s totally a…wait, you’re serious? How are you serious, where’s your evidence?” Is something along the lines of what we should have said.

Goofy: All of you are idiots.

Shang: I know that the law states that if you’re hiding out in the army as a woman you’ll be put to death if caught, but I still can’t believe you’d lie to me like that!

Donald: Come on, everyone loves relationships built on lies and deceit!

Goofy: Hey, works for me.

Donald: Yeah? What’re you talking about?

Goofy: My actual name is Herbert.

Mulan: I gotta admit, our entire strategy relied on the army trusting us so we could lie to them more effectively.

Shang: So I’m repeating the law here, and…Imma let you go I guess. A life for a life. My debt is repaid.

Sora: …Yay I guess?

Mulan: I have a sad.

Shang: PARTY AT THE CAPITOL! *leads away Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po, who have nothing to say to Mulan, by the way, as well as several “exhausted” soldiers that are clearly zombies*

Mushu: *jumps on Mulan’s shoulder* Again, one of those situations where I make one mistake and you have to pay for it.

Mulan: *glares at him* Just left in a world of shit. Just an explosive fucking diarrhetic world of shit. *takes off her armor off-screen even though she’s still in the mountains and could’ve used it as an extra layer if nothing else, and also takes her hair down* Well that was fun wasn’t it. Sorry I got all of you into trouble.

Sora: Eh, we’ve been in worse. So…female pronouns now?

Mulan: If you wouldn’t mind.

Sora: Gotcha.

Donald: That’s gonna be hard.

Goofy: …Not really.

Sora: So what now?

Mulan: I’ll have to face my father sooner or later.

Mushu: Yeah, this ain’t gonna be pretty. But don’t you worry about it, okay? Things’ll work out! We started this thing together, and that’s how we’re gonna finish it. I promise.

Mulan: I just realized that I also spontaneously grew my eyelashes back, how’d that happen.

Sora: *grabs Donald and Goofy* Eh, we’ll come along and get shouted at as well. It’d be nice to expand the planet by that much more.

Mulan: Fine by me! Also we can now do simultaneous Limit Breaks basically whenever you have the MP for it. This will become a trend whenever someone from a different planet joins the party.

Sora: YAY NEW GAME MECHANICS. *starts to leave the area*

Shan-Yu’s falcon: Forgot I existed, didn’t ya? *flies overhead*

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mulan: So? Your boss is dead, why should we care?

Shan-Yu’s hand: *pops out of the snow like a daisy as he crawls out* NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!

Mulan: Oh dear.

Bunch of Rapid Thrusters: *also appear*

Shan-Yu’s falcon: *lands on Shan-Yu’s shoulder as he leads the Heartless army down to the city*

Mulan: …That happened.

Sora: Boy did it.

Mulan: He’s heading for the Imperial City! We’ve got to warn Shang! And presumably the others!

Mushu: Did you see those Heartless?! They popped outta the snow! Like daisies!

Mulan: *glares* Are we in this together or not.

Mushu: …Well let’s go kick some HUNNY BUNS!

Sora: That pun hurt me. *heads back to the village*

Mulan: Shan-Yu is supposed to be a master swordsman, but so are you, Sora. If you can parry his attack, I’m sure you’ll have a chance to strike back.

Sora: Yeah but that doesn’t net me bonus EXP anymore, I’m still kind of miffed about that.

Goofy: I don’t see how any man could have survived an avalanche like that. We have to find Shan-Yu quickly. He’s probably headed for the palace.

Donald: This is the first time I ever saw Ping as a girl…or rather, Mulan. No one saw through her disguise, but seeing her now, she doesn’t look boyish at all.

Mulan: Hey, can you tell that duck that I’ve had it up to here with fucking gender norms? Sure I identify as a heterosexual cisgendered female, that’s fine, it shouldn’t mean I should be discriminated against or not allowed to like the things I like, whether it’s stereotypically boyish or not.

Sora: She’s got a point, Donald, I mean, video games are still considered by many to only be enjoyed by boys and men who live in their mother’s basements, when really any one of any age, sex, or gender identity should be able to enjoy them equally…Wait, why am I the only one leaving footprints in the snow, I just noticed that, is it because of my ginormous shoes? *leads them through the mountain trail*

Mulan: *is mysteriously five thousand times more effective as a fighter*

Sora: …Are you so much stronger because you’re allowed to finally be who you really are inside?

Mulan: Sure, go with that I guess.

Sora: *gets up to level twenty before moving on and makes his way to the bamboo grove so he can save before the big boss fight*

Soldier A: I bet all the others are receiving a warm welcome at the palace right about now. Guard duty is so boring. I think I’ll go look at the palace from the checkpoint.

Mulan: Best not, it’s literally the only place around here where monsters aren’t attacking, if you wanna avoid any action but still bring honor to your family I recommend you stay here.

Soldier A: And why should I listen to anything a woman has to say?

Sora: …I’m starting to get why you enjoyed hiding your identity so much. *leads them to the Imperial City finally*

Mulan: *runs right past the soldiers that are obviously zombies, the important soldiers that have names, and heads right for the Captian* Shang! Shan-Yu is alive! He’s in the...strangely deserted city!

Shang: You don’t belong here, Mulan. Go home.

Mulan: Shang, we saw him in the mountains! You have to believe us!

Shang: Why should I?

Mulan: *glares* Why else would I come back? You said you trusted Ping. Why is Mulan any different?

Shang: Because Ping lied about who he really was?

Mulan: Because I’d be put to death if I didn’t?!

Sora: She’s really got a point, dude.

Donald: Does no one else notice the falcon?

Shang: …Okay, that usually means something bad, I admit…

Shan-Yu: *is visibly on one of the roofs that no longer have a line of statues he can hide next to, and then he jumps down from it, falcon in tow*

Shang: Oh balls. Soldiers! Do the thing!

Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po: *go to do the thing*

Obviously zombified soldiers: *turn into Heartless*

Shang: I NEVER SAW THIS COMING!

Mulan: Because you’re a fucking idiot. *draws her sword and stands in front of him*

Sora: We got these guys, you get your emperor.

Shang:

Donald: …Fucking go?!

Shang: R-Right! *runs off*

Sora, Donald, and Mulan: *take out all the Heartless, then run up to the palace, where Shan-Yu is tormenting the Emperor, and Shang, Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po are nowhere to be fucking seen* YOU THREE HAD ONE JOB!

Shan-Yu: I tire of your arrogance old man. BOW TO ME! *holds his sword against the Emperor’s throat*

The Emperor: No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.

Shan-Yu: Then you will kneel in pieces!

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Mulan: Our just standing here is apparently enough to distract you from assassinating that guy.

Shang: And I finally appear. *bitchslaps Shan-Yu in the chin and elbows him in the gut, making him fall down and giving Shang enough time to drag the Emperor into the palace where Chien-Po and Ling shut the doors. So at least they did something while Yao still did nothing* YOU GUYS HAVE FUN FIGHTING HIM ON YOUR OWN OKAY BYE!

Shan-Yu: Oh please, how hard can it possibly be to break down a door.

Mulan: *stands in front of the doors with Sora, Donald, and Goofy* You’d be surprised.

Shan-Yu: *starts laughing maniacally and starts crackling with sexual energy*

Sora: *does most of the fighting as usual, and learns that you have to land that last combo in order for the boss to be defeated, no matter how miniscule their health bar still is and no matter how much you thwack them after that. It’s kind of fucking annoying, actually, I don’t much like that mechanic*

Shan-Yu: OH I AM SLAIN! *collapses*

Sora: …Did we just kill a guy?

Mulan: Well yeah, we’re kind of at war here.

Sora: I know, it’s just that the only other straight-up human I’ve seen die was Clayton, and he at least got killed by the Heartless he summoned rather than me actually stabbing him in the torso a million times.

Mulan: Oh get over yourself.

Sora: I’m not comfortable with that.

Mushu: Now time for me to gloat and prove even more that I’m obviously not Eddie Murphy!

Donald: I found you tolerable in the movie but now you’re just really fucking annoying, please stop.

Mulan: And now there are thousands of people in the background. Oh shit. *brushes some hair behind her ear and bows deeply*

The Emperor: *walks up to them, ignoring Sora, Donald, and Goofy entirely in favor of Mulan* Oh hey, everyone in my city's spontaneously back, that's awesome. I’ve heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan. You stole your father’s armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the Chinese army, destr…okay, you didn’t destroy my palace this time, that’s actually kind of awesome, AND…you have saved us all. *bows deeply to her*

Mulan: …Sora, Donald, and Goofy did most of the work most of the time, I know I helped in the final battle but why am I getting all the credit?

All of China: *also bows before her*

Lanipator: WHERE WERE ALL THESE ASSHOLES BEFORE!

Mulan: I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

Sora: Sure you do, we weren’t even supposed to be here, imagine what you could’ve done without us!

Mulan: But I don’t want to do all that stuff without you, you guys are my friends!

Sora: Aww, you’re sweet.

The Emperor: Captain Li!

Shang: *picks up Shan-Yu’s sword and places it in Mulan’s hands*

The Emperor: Take this so the world will know what you have done for China.

Mulan: *hugs him*

Sora: …Is she allowed to do that?

Shang: *shrugs* Um…You…You fight good.

Mulan: …Oh. Thank you.

The Emperor: *clears throat* The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.

Shang: Sir?

The Emperor: You don’t meet a girl like that every dynasty!

Shang: *is obviously flustered*

Mulan: *giggles silently*

Sora: …Okay, I’ve wanted to ask this since we fucking met, but I’d kill for Melinda May’s autograph right about now.

Mulan: Sure, it’s the least I can do.

Mushu: All right, I’ve made Mulan a war hero, now they’ll be begging me to come back to work!

Goofy: You mean you weren’t this whole time?

Mushu: … *looks up at Mulan* The truth is we’re both frauds. Your ancestors never sent me, they don’t even like me. I mean, you risked your life to help people you live, and I risked your life to help myself. At least you had good intentions!

Sora: Well at least he’s honest.

Mulan: …Why is my new sword now glowing and floating?

Sora: Oh, uh, no one question this, I just have to do a quick thing and the sword’s yours again. *takes out his Keyblade and opens a new Gummi ship route*

Donald: YAY WE GET TO LEAVE even though I kind of like this dump but the music was getting pretty annoying.

Goofy: The music always gets annoying if we stick around long enough.

The Emperor: *questions nothing* Okay, bye I guess.

Sora: *wipes his face* Guess I got teary again, I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Erm, is it okay if we come back to visit? I guess I can actually ask that since we got seemingly permanently kicked out of Twilight Town.

Mulan: I think I speak for everyone when I say no fucking shit.

Shang: Seriously, come on over whenever.

Sora: Okay, you two play nice.

Mulan and Shang: *act all flustered*

Mushu: Let’s try to avoid the sequel, yeah? That wasn’t that great.

Mulan: No kidding. Bye, you three!

Hidden Dragon: I’m weaker than Kingdom Key!

Sora: I’m not changing my equipment much at all, am I. *leaves the planet and immediately heads back to explore the palace a bit more*

Soldier A: Mulan joined the army on her own free will, in place of her father.

Sora: …Don’t you mean of her own free will?

Donald: HOLY SHIT A GRAMMATICAL ERROR I HONESTLY NEVER FOUND ONE OF THESE IN THESE GAMES BEFORE though maybe I haven’t looked hard enough admittedly.

Soldier A: Even so, I’d hate to think what would happen if her secret got out.

Mulan: …The Emperor acknowledged my status as a female in front of a great deal of the country. Pretty sure my secret’s permanently out, dude.

Sora: *goes to the palace* …A black Mushroom with an Organization XIII cloak on and the number IV printed on it? Are…Are we gonna fight Vexen or something? Oh, no, it’s just a mini-game. Which I suck at and will return to later. Much later. *goes up to the village for kicks*

Ling: Our company was thrown together to help defend against Shan-Yu’s invasion. We never would have accomplished so much if it wasn’t for the Captain.

Chien-Po: I had no idea Ping, er, Mulan was a girl. I don’t know which surprised me more — that, or that she beat Shan-Yu!

Yao: Each time I see this village, I remember that invasion like it was yesterday. I’m just glad we could save our country. Not bad, for a bunch of ragtag soldiers!

Mulan: Okay, this I can believe, character development can go a long way. But you did nothing in this version, it was all me, Sora, and Donald, you shitbag.

Shang: You may be strong, but don’t neglect your daily training. Just as we’re growing in strength, so, too, is the enemy.

Sora: …Okay, this was largely pointless, time to leave again. *clears out another Gummi Ship mission before heading to Beast’s Castle*

~Shan-Yu’s yell is supposed to be Voldemort’s signature yell, don’t know if anyone picked up on that.~

Chapter Text

~I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE I FUCKING LOVE THIS PLANET I FUCKING LOVE THIS EVERYTHING.~

Sora: *follows Donald and Goofy inside Beast’s Castle even though they seem to have landed outside of Beast’s Castle* Strange that I ask “What is this place” after already entering the castle.

Donald: I guess we’re in France right now?

Goofy: Dude the castle is so fucking awesome.

Sora: Yeah but whose castle is it anyway?

Beast: MY ROARING SHOULD MAKE IT PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS WHOSE CASTLE THIS IS.

Goofy: YAY that guy was cool I liked him lots.

Sora: We’re meeting so many familiar faces right off the bat! And this guy we actually know!

Donald: Well yeah, we’re going back to a lot of the old planets.

Goofy: Think he’ll mind us barging in and visiting?

Sora: He did basically invite me over last parody…but first we should probably kill that Heartless that went into that room over there.

Donald: You’re just saying that because it’s our main goal in life. *leads the way into that room*

Beast’s Castle title card: I like how the font is vaguely reminiscent of the title screen of the actual movie.

Donald: *pokes his head into the guest room* Where’d the Heartless go? And where’s the Beast’s chair, isn’t that supposed to be in this room? *sees the rose and moves towards it* …What the fuck is the rose doing down here, I thought it never left the West Wing.

Shadow Heartless: No touchie.

Donald: I wasn’t going to!

Sora: So nothing but Shadow Heartless, huh? We can take that easily. *slaughters as many as he can before the game decides he’s had enough* Okay, I’m bored.

Donald: How do we stop them from respawning?

Beast: *breaks through the doors* I activate my cutscene powers and they never appear in this room again.

Sora: Yet another reason why you’re entirely made of awesome.

Beast: Check it. *bashes the Heartless to nonexistence*

Sora: DUDE, HIGH-FIVE!

Beast: Dude no. *bashes Sora out of the way along with Donald and Goofy*

Goofy: …It’s because we basically broke and entered, isn’t it.

Beast: No, I’m just really pissed off today. Also what the fuck is this doing down here, it’s supposed to be in the West Wing. *gingerly picks up the rose container thing and leaves*

Goofy: …Well it wouldn’t be the first time someone got selective amnesia concerning us.

Sora: Pete probably released Heartless on this planet as well. Him or someone else, at any rate.

Donald: At least they bothered to animate his face this time instead of just doing static shit.

Sora: No kidding. Hey, this really will be forever a safe area now, what with the save point and the Moogle that keeps following us from planet to planet for some reason and no one else questions it for some other reason. What’s with the Heartless and them randomly selecting areas to just never go in. *follows the other two out of the room*

Donald: I saw a chick at the top of one of the sets of stairs up there.

Sora: The ones that lead to the East Hall even though you were just looking at the West Hall entrance?

Donald: Those ones, yeah.

Goofy: Wonder if Belle lives here. Also it’s weird but considering so much went on during the last game and we only really talked to her a few times I totally forgot we even knew Belle in the first place.

Sora: Me too, frankly, it’s hard to keep up with all the people we know. Anyway, we should go talk to her, she’s liable to be at least slightly nicer than the Beast, anyway.

Goofy: …So let’s go already?

Sora: After I explore everywhere but there first. *goes outside, then to the West Hall where he destroys a bunch of suits of armor by accident while fighting Heartless and sees a strangely shaped wardrobe shoved in front of a door, then goes into the ballroom* HOLY FUCK THIS PLACE IS GORGEOUS HEARTLESS GO DIE I WANNA STARE AT THIS FOREVER. Also I just noticed that I’m not strutting around everywhere when I walk anymore, that’s a nice change, can’t believe it took me this long to notice.

Goofy: We may or may not have pointed that out during Chain of Memories since you started walking regularly there as well, I forget.

Donald: Chain of what now?

Goofy: Exactly.

Sora: *finally goes up to Belle’s room*

Belle: *behind the closed doors* Sigh…What do.

Sora: For some reason I think we have to be sneaky ninjas.

Donald: Fuck that, let’s just break down the door! *slams into the doors right as they open* I’m okay, I’m all right.

Belle: Good for you. *glomps him* Oh, hey you two.

Sora: Hey.

Goofy: Almost didn’t recognize you in blue instead of yellow!

Belle: Yeah, that dress is a little much for everyday use.

Donald: Can’t…breathe…

Belle: Oh, sorry! *drops him*

Donald: *after getting his breath back* So what’s with Beast?

Belle: Iunno, I think he’s going through some major mood swings or something. He’s holed up in the West Wing.

Sora: Great show.

Belle: …But anyway, you’re here to put things right, right?

Sora: Actually we kind of just stumbled over to here on our search for Riku and King Mickey, but while we’re here we might as well get involved with the movie plot.

Belle: Enh, this is more of a mid-quel, after Beast saved me from the wolves but before the big dance number despite what the previous game would’ve led you to believe. Which means my father’s been dying in the woods for over a year now, isn’t that delightful.

Goofy: …Well doesn’t that little reminder make the Christmas thing and Belle’s Magical World even more horrible.

Donald: You tried talking to him about his mood swings or are you afraid he’ll lash out at you too?

Belle: Well he only swiped at me the one time — I dodged it, it’s okay, well I mean it’s really not but like immediately after he saved me from those wolves I just told you about and after that he’s downgraded to shouting at my face which I’m good at combating him at anyway so I don’t mind. But now…Yeah, he kind of just locked me up in here and locked all his servants up in the dungeon. Which apparently he has even though all the cells I saw were in the tower despite what the Gaston Reprise said but hey, who needs continuity in Disney anyway.

Sora: You guys have servants, too? Man, this castle really is awesome…

Donald: Why would he lock you up here and his servants in a place that’s far more unpleasant?

Belle: ‘Cause I’m his guest/prisoner and they have to do what he says? Iunno, I just wanna know why he locked us up in the first place.

Sora: …Guest…prisoner?

Belle: Well, the way we met is that he had my father locked up and I traded my life for his. I used to really resent it but, again, whole life-saving thing, and also you should see his library which he basically let me have; he and his servants are the only people besides my father and maybe my dead/missing mother it’s not a hundred percent clear who don’t mind that I like to read and don’t think I’m a fucking weirdo for it, so I appreciate them more for that. I feel accepted here, and aside from occasional pangs of homesickness and missing my father I’m kind of content with life right now. Aside from the whole being locked up thing and wondering how my new friends are doing.

Sora: Noted. So where’s the dungeon?

Belle: You can get to it from two different sections of the West Wing, but only one of them will be almost available to you, and it leads to the undercroft.

Sora: Heh, I read that too fast and thought it said Ubisoft.

Belle: HA. Now go already.

Sora: Just as soon as I grab this map from this disproportionately huge chest right next to you how did you never notice this it’s as big as your bed. Also I like how this is conveniently another area where no Heartless come inside.

Belle: Don’t bother talking to me, I’m just repeating directions.

Sora: I shall fuck off, then. *fucks off to the West Wing* Oh, there’s just a wardrobe in the way, that’s easily moved. *tries moving wardrobe*

Wardrobe: Yeah no. *hops back into place*

Sora: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Donald: That weird-looking wardrobe is blocking our way! Hmm…It looks like we might be able to move it if we push from the left side. But only the left side for some reason.

Sora: …No one’s gonna address the fact that a piece of furniture just talked to us? Talking animals and a buffalo monster in a cape I’ve come to accept, but demonic furniture?

Goofy: Yup. That’s the door to the undercroft, all right. But we’d better be careful to move the wardrobe without waking it.

Sora: Judging by the female voice that was unnoticeable due to text boxes, I’d wager she’s female, but at the very least use a singular “they,” calling anything that’s alive an 'it' is just dehumanizing.

Goofy: …Just do the mini-game already.

Sora: Righty-ho! *gingerly moves Wardrobe without waking her up*

iheartmwpp: I originally did this without getting the dialogue from those two. And that’s how I learned that this game doesn’t have a soft reset.

Wardrobe: *wakes up anyway* Damn it, I was just starting to get comfortable with my unwanted guard duty. So…what up?

Sora: Aaaaaaaand I’m just gonna shove this panic attack away for later and say that Belle wanted us to check out the dungeon and basically free everyone trapped down there.

Wardrobe: Well yell at me next time if it’s to save people even though I’ve been preventing anyone going in and out in the first place!

Sora: …You’re kind of contradictory, you know that?

Wardrobe: Yyyyyep. Oh, you’re probably wondering about the whole demonic furniture thing.

Sora: Little bit.

Wardrobe: I used to be human and my name in the stage play was Madame de la Grande Bouche but that’s a lot to type so just keep calling me Wardrobe, I don’t mind, our master apparently doesn’t have a name either, I don’t care what one of the Beauty and the Beast games called him, it’s not his name, the creators said so in some interview somewhere. But then magic happened. For some reason the servants were punished while the prince was the one being a dick. I don’t blame him, he may or may not have only been eleven and eleven-year-olds are generally kind of shitty, I blame the enchantress for cursing the rest of us as well, that wasn’t cool, we literally couldn’t fight back, he was fucking royalty and we’re just servants, it’s ingrained in us to be subservient!

Donald: The prince is the Beast?

Goofy: THE BEAST IS A PRINCE?!

Wardrobe: Well how else do you think Belle got to be a Disney Princess if she didn’t marry royalty?!

Sora: Alice is one as well so that’s actually not saying much.

Donald: No, she’s a Princess of Heart, a better example would be Mulan or something.

Sora: This is true. So back to the enchantress thing?

Wardrobe: Yeah, she apparently showed up on Christmas if the mid-quel’s to be believed. So yeah, go down and save the others if you want the narrator himself to tell you, he’s got the same voice as one of the dudes after all.

Donald: Okay, that’ll actually be really cool.

Wardrobe: Hurry now, the dungeon is damp and chilly. It’s certainly no place for a clock, I don’t care that a candelabra that can light up at will is in the same cell as him!

Goofy: Why are we confused, we’re talking to a talking wardrobe, of course there would be more demonic furniture!

Wardrobe: Yeah really, I figured that was obvious. You guys have fun, I’m going back to Belle’s room for the rest of the game.

Sora: Okay, in we go I guess. *goes inside the undercroft* Hey, there’s a giant keyhole in that door. I WONDER IF I SHOULD USE MY KEYBLADE ON IT.

Donald: Hang on, it might not even be locked. *tries to push the doors open* Oh fuck, the door’s a boss Heartless.

Thresholder: *is no longer made of stone and is now blocking the Keyhole as it attacks your face when it’s not sending other weaker Heartless at you*

Sora: Well this is just dandy. *hits the Thresholder a bunch of times so it turns into a Possessor which flies around the undercroft and tries to avoid you but it cannot because it is a weak little Possessor* Why do I feel like I fought these before. *after the Possessor turns back into the Thresholder he repeats the cycle until everything is dead*

Donald: Well that was fantastically framed battle of wits.

Goofy: C’mon, let’s move on with the plot already!

Sora: Righty-ho! *enters the dungeon* There’s only a teapot, a tea cup, a candelabra, and a clock down here, and if that talking wardrobe taught us anything it’s that we should be looking out for humanoid-like people to save.

Lumiere: YAY WE’RE GETTING SAVED!

Cogsworth: Hey, these guys could be Nobodies and/or Heartless, kindly shut your face.

Mrs. Potts: Oh it’s fine.

Goofy: Where are those voices coming from aside from those things on chairs that can’t possibly talk?

Sora: Belle sent us?

Cogsworth: Oh, in that case we can move freely. *hops down along with the other three*

Sora: …Okay, awesome. I’m Sora, and thanks to this I should not be nearly as surprised to see talking gargoyles as I’m going to end up being. The duck’s Donald and the dog’s Goofy.

Donald: *immediately picks up Cogsworth* How is this accomplished?!

Cogsworth: Aaaah! Put me down! At once!

Donald: *pokes at the bottom which is actually his feet*

Cogsworth: Stop that! Hee hee hee! Stop that, I say! *gets shaken upside down*

Sora: …Well I’m glad you guys are all right, at any rate, and I’m actually really overjoyed that they got back every voice actor that they could physically get to come back and voice you guys!

Lumiere: Yeah, really sucks about my guy, doesn’t it. *hops back on the chair*

Goofy: So you guys were enchanted too, huh?

Cogsworth: Oh, enchanted? Who said anything about the castle being enchanted? Ha ha…It was you, wasn’t it?! *glares at Lumiere*

Goofy: No, the wardrobe lady told us.

Lumiere: Figured as much.

Mrs. Potts: Cogsworth, you tell the story better than anyone.

Donald: *opens the glass door and starts fiddling with the pendulum*

Cogsworth: Sir! Close that at once! Do you mind! *slams the door shut*

Donald: Oh, sorry. *puts him back on the chair*

Cogsworth: *clears throat and voice suddenly gets deeper despite the abrupt change to text boxes* Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle, and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift, and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the Beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her/their love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?

Sora: …I have so many questions. When you say the rose blooms until his twenty-first year, do you mean the rose doesn’t start to lose petals until he turns twenty-one or does that mean the last petal will fall on his twenty-first birthday? Does that mean he was only cursed when he was eleven, ‘cause the Be Our Guest song says you’ve been under this for ten years, so did Beast have to go through puberty as an actual animal hybrid? If he ages up, which he seems to because otherwise Belle would’ve been making out with an eleven-year-old child at the end of the movie, why doesn’t Chip, or did Mrs. Potts give birth to actual tea cups while she was a teapot? Who or what is the father?! And what about all those other tea cups, did Mrs. Potts biologically have all those children in human form or otherwise, or did she just adopt every single child among the servants? And how many fucking servants does Beast even have, have you really looked at the Be Our Guest sequence, it’s fucking astounding! And that’s not even counting the ones in Human Again! And were the toilets once human if indoor plumbing was a thing yet, is everything in here once human or did the spell just bring a few already inanimate objects to life?! AND ANOTHER THING—

Goofy: The real villain isn’t Gaston, it’s the witch as usual, because she really only needed to enchant the Beast! Never punish others for one person’s crime, that’s only what villains do!

Donald: And most teachers.

Goofy: Exactly.

Sora: Ha, zing. But yeah, we should probably go back to the way the Beast is behaving, though a lot of it makes sense now, especially if he really is just a preteen whose development has been arrested all these years. Still doesn’t excuse his actions, someone needs to teach him stuff, and if Belle isn’t getting through to him I guess we’ll have to.

Mrs. Potts: It used to be so much easier, but it’s only recently that he’s been acting up more than usual.

Cogsworth: You don’t think he’s been turned into a Heartless, do you?

Donald: …Why the fuck are we acting with shock, we’ve been fighting the Heartless since we got to this planet.

Sora: Well we’ll just have to fight them harder, then.

Donald: Let’s go find out if the Beast really is a Heartless first before we start having to kill him. Which hopefully won’t happen, that would suck a whole lot.

Cogsworth: Agreed.

Lumiere: *hops down* Follow me, messieurs. I know a fun mini-game you’re gonna get annoyed by!

Sora: Oh good. *follows everyone outside*

Mrs. Potts: Please talk to Cogsworth upstairs about the hidden passageway.

Sora: …And by upstairs I mean up-the-giant-piles-of-trash to the next level?

Chip: Did you know that Cogsworth can make an alarm sound, too? It’s so loud I bet it’d wake up anybody!

Sora: WOW, THAT’S PROBABLY AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT!

Lumiere: It seems all the statues in the castle have become hostile. Please be careful.

Sora: Yeah, but then they respawn, which is kind of weird. And it’s not every statue every time either.

Cogsworth: *tells the two suits of armor that are guarding the door to move so we can get on with the plot* Move so we can get on with the plot.

Suits of armor: *move so they can get on with the plot*

Sora: …Why can’t we do that with the dudes in the West Wing?

Cogsworth: BECAUSE OF REASONS! TOILET PAPER!

Sora: *enters a secret passageway the exit of which cannot be seen from this vantage point* WE ARE TRAPPED HOW DO WE ESCAPE.

Lumiere: …You’re a fucking idiot, aren’t you. So the exit’s locked by a dumbass mini-game.

Sora: How annoying is it?

Cogsworth: Well there’s no extreme time limit or risk of death and you don’t have to play it over and over to get a different ending, so… *starts cranking a crank and lowers a lantern covered in black flames*

Donald: WOW I AM FLABBERGASTED AT THE ADVANCEMENT OF THIS TECHNOLOGY.

Lumiere: Yeah so we have to light all the lanterns and the door will open.

Mrs. Potts: THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS! But they’re already burning with black fire so the thing won’t work.

Lumiere: I can’t light it if you guys don’t find some way to put out the fire.

Goofy: Does Mrs. Potts have a random endless supply of water?

Mrs. Potts: I do, but power of light bullshit though.

Sora: So I poke my Keyblade at it and it’ll work? *points his Keyblade at the lantern and Mrs. Potts douses the black flames while Lumiere puts in regular flames*

Lumiere: YAY TEAMWORK.

Mrs. Potts: What he said.

Sora: Well this isn’t that annoying—

Lumiere: Vaguely animate objects get tired and Cogsworth can’t hold onto that thing forever. You won’t have to completely start over if you fuck up but you’ll still have to head all the way back and then all the way forward again.

Cogsworth: That’s okay, Donald or Goofy could hold onto this for me—

Donald and Goofy: But then it wouldn’t be an annoying mini-game!

Cogsworth: …I despise all of you.

Mrs. Potts: Also I’m slow as fuck.

Sora: Mrs. Potts, I will smash your children…Guys, could one of you hold the lever?

Goofy: The wooden box is getting in everyone’s way, so let’s break it and clear a path. If Cogsworth gets tired, come back and have Mrs. Potts take care of him.

Sora: Erm, but…

Donald: Cogsworth will lower the lantern, and then you can remove the curse with the Keyblade. After that, Mrs. Potts and Lumiere will light the lantern

Sora: I KNOW, BUT WHY CAN’T YOU GUYS HOLD THE FUCKING HANDLE?!

Donald: Because shut up.

Sora: This is stupid! And you’re stupid for making me do it! And now I’m stupid!

Donald: Well you didn’t really need our help—

Sora: Oh that’s just… *does the thing under protest because fuck*

Lanipator: Can I just carry the fucking tea pot? I have two hands!

Mrs. Potts: YAAAAAY WE DID THE THING.

Lumiere: …So why isn’t shit opening.

Goofy: Did we miss something obvious?

Cogsworth: Yes we did. And it’s called that really obvious looking brick jutting out of the wall over there.

Sora: Ah. *shoves it*

Section of wall: *slides down to reveal staircase*

Lumiere: Yeah, I don’t remember any of this being in the movie either. Anyway, I’m going to go piss off.

Mrs. Potts: Me and Chip as well.

Sora: …You guys don’t want bodyguards or anything?

Lumiere: Nah, we’re just going to the save room. *leaves with Mrs. Potts and Chip*

Cogsworth: Okay, time to get the master back on our side again! Meet you at the end of the West Wing!

Sora: *immediately heads to the end of the West Wing* Jesus, the attention to detail is glorious… *enters Beast’s room*

~…XALDIN WHY MUST YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP YOU MAKE ME NOT WANT TO WRITE THIS SECTION YOU SHIT.~

Chapter Text

~Previously, on the West Wing…~

Belle: What’s in the West—

Beast: It’s forbidden!

~And now, furries.~

Xaldin: So seriously, kill Belle already.

Beast: I don’t wanna.

Xaldin: But she’s gonna steal all your shit. Apparently. Also she wants to kill you so I say kill her first.

Beast: That literally doesn’t make any sense, I freely gave her the library and she’s plainly content with that.

Xaldin: …Okay, let’s go with the manga version: Why are you not filled with anger? Rage, Beast! They suffer from this curse because of you! They will never be free of it, because of you! Those conniving fiends, just waiting for fate to run its course…They would have you shoulder the burden, the blame for this tragedy, alone!

Beast: See, that actually makes sense.

Xaldin: I can feel your anger. It keeps you focused, makes you stronger.

Beast: Don’t care, I don’t want to be strong anymore, I’m strong enough and I want something else now.

Xaldin: What, to love and be loved in return?

Player: And this is why we have subtitles. Speak more clearly, Xaldin, Jesus.

Xaldin: Who could ever love a beast?

FUCKING EVERYONE: Dude your design’s so badass I love you.

Beast: Well I mean I did go all the way to Hollow Bastion, rescued her, and she embraced me and seemed very happy to see me...But I don't remember that. Except for the fact that I do remember that.

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Cogsworth: What’s going on, This Room?

Xaldin: See? They’re here to murder your face.

Sora: Actually I only summoned the Keyblade when I saw your hooded face.

Donald: I don’t know what the best course of action here is.

Cogsworth: What is the best course of action.

Sora: The best course of action is just for him to fucking die.

Goofy: The best course of action is for us to just…stop.

Xaldin: *summons invisible walls to protect the rose and Disapparates*

Sora: Good, now we can relax. So I heard you’re actually a prince! Can you tell me why, in the last ten years with not a long journey between here and the village where Belle came from, no one was wondering what happened to their missing royalty and also what happened to your parents and why aren’t you king?

Beast: *roars*

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: *nearly fall over from the force of the blast*

Cogsworth: Master, I know they’re pointing out flaws in our flawless movie, but you have to admit there are a few plot holes—

Beast: *takes a swipe at everyone and growls*

Sora: *summons his Keyblade again* Damn it, I hate fighting friends. *bashes him a few times*

Cogsworth: Please, Master! Please! Compose yourself!

Sora: If this turns into another “Get up on the hydra’s back,” they’ll never be able to find the pieces. *beats up the Beast until his health bar is nearly empty and has Cogsworth activate his alarm to bring the Beast to his senses*

Beast: …Cogsworth? What happened and why do I feel like I’ve just been hit continuously with a large piece of metal?

Cogsworth: We didn’t team up to beat the shit out of you, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Donald: Hey, you were acting weird, what did you expect us to do after you locked everyone up for no reason?

Beast: …I do not remember doing this.

Cogsworth: You kinda did, though.

Sora: Who was that Organization member you were talking to?

Beast: Xaldin. Not too great a guy. Wanted to piss me off so I’d be under his control and probably turn me into a Heartless so my Nobody would help fill the ranks of the Organization. Or something. Anyway, he fed off my negative emotions and twisted events that happened to mean something else so I would get even more pissed off.

Goofy: Which is why you locked everyone up so you wouldn’t accidentally hurt them. Gotcha.

Beast: …I like that interpretation, let’s go with that.

Goofy: Good, because we know you’re awesome like that.

Cogsworth: You have been getting better, that’s for sure. Especially after you gave her the library and the two of you started reading together! But you still have yet to try the usual things, flowers, chocolates…promises you don’t intend to keep…

Beast: SHIT I JUST REALIZED WE HAVEN’T READ TOGETHER OR DONE MUCH OF ANYTHING TOGETHER SINCE I LOCKED HER UP TOO. BALLSACK.

Sora: Eh, she seemed okay with it, she was more worried about you.

Beast: Yeah but I’m somehow of the opinion that she’s a battered girlfriend who keeps insisting that I can change.

Sora: No, she was never battered and she did see how you were before and tried to run but then you actually changed. That’s, like, super healthy on both your parts, actually.

Cogsworth: WHAT DO YOU THINK WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HIM THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME.

Sora: Okay, then let’s go talk to her about it.

Beast: I don’t know…

Sora: Well I know and we’re doing this. Goofy, you’re sitting out so Beast can be in the party.

Goofy: Understood! A-hyuk!

Sora: Holy shit dude I just realized how amazingly detailed your room is! I mean, it’s less cluttered to make room for the pseudo-boss fight we just had, but otherwise, I mean they have the slashed portrait and everything!

Beast: Yep, that happened. Let’s go look for Belle now.

Sora: Righty-ho! *backtracks to the parlor where everyone else is*

Cogsworth: The suits of armor in the west hall should let you pass now. Please, go see Belle, and hurry!

Sora: …Are the suits of armor also people?

Cogsworth: Well their helmets certainly moved in the movie, so there’s a definite chance, yes.

Sora: …I’ve been destroying those to get Drive Orbs. Have I been accidentally murdering people in cold blood?

Cogsworth: Probably.

Sora: Oops…

Lumiere: The ballroom and the garden are the highlights of this castle. I only hope those intruders don’t cause any damage…

Mrs. Potts: If I could, I’d like nothing more than to serve you some tea…At least try to get some rest. This place seems safe enough.

Chip: All right! The master’s his old self again! Now, we just have to go see Belle. Come on, let’s go see her!

Sora: No, you stay here and we’ll go see her. *goes up to Belle’s room*

Wardrobe: ‘Sup.

Donald: Everyone’s out, everyone’s good.

Wardrobe: Awesome.

Beast: …There seems to be a conspicuous lack of Belle.

Wardrobe: That’s just because she went chasing after that man in black.

Beast: …She didn’t mean Matt Murdock, did she.

Wardrobe: Doubtful.

Beast: WHY THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT.

Wardrobe: ‘CAUSE SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

Sora: Stop yelling and let’s just go get her already!

Beast: M’kay. *follows Sora to the entrance hall*

Belle’s voice: BITCH I KICK YOUR ASS YOU CONTINUE TO FUCK WITH ME.

Beast: Belle! Yell like that again, I didn’t get a fix on your position!

Belle’s voice: Ballroom, dumbass!

Beast: Be right there! *follows Sora into the ballroom*

Belle: I AM RUNNING!

Sora: She sure looks like she’s running.

Beast: Belle, where’re you running to?

Belle: The balcony which no one can get to in this game for some reason, I should be safe there!

Shadow Stalker: Hi there. *sinks into the floor*

Goofy: …Well this isn’t good.

Shadow Stalker: *rises up out again and encompasses the ballroom in dark purple energy, making it all evil and gross and shit*

Disney fans: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE BALLROOM. *sob and get motivated to beat the shit out of this thing*

Sora: *goes to beat the shit out of that thing*

Shadow Stalker: *melds into the windows and unleashes beams of light at the party which are pretty easy to dodge actually*

Sora: Stop melding into things so I can hit you!

Shadow Stalker: *goes into the chandelier next which is now black and the candles have blue flames. That also shoot out blue lazer beams*

Sora: I DON’T WANT TO BEAT UP THE CHANDELIER!

Shadow Stalker: *goes into one of the pillars next*

Sora: I HATE THIS FUCKING BOSS! *finally depletes all its health*

Shadow Stalker: THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM! *is surrounded in darkness and emerges as a Dark Thorn*

Sora: …Why do we just stand by and let these things happen. Also why is he invisible. *hops off of him onto the chandelier which he brings crashing to the floor, forcing it to spin around the room and slam into the Dark Thorn, making him visible* …Okay, that was the most badass thing I’ve ever done. *completely destroys the Dark Thorn* Kablouses! It’s the new exploding blouse!

Dark Thorn: *is defeated without releasing a heart, indicating its pureblood status*

Sora: YEAH THE BALLROOM’S BACK TO NORMAL! Also we killed the thing which is cool.

Xaldin: It certainly seems that way, doesn’t it.

Beast: I KILL YOU!

Xaldin: No you don’t. Disapparate!

Beast: Aah, magic! *throws his arm over his face* What the fuck has he been doing here this whole time anyway?!

Sora: He’s with Organization XIII.

Beast: I order you to elaborate!

Sora: When a strong-hearted person turns into a Heartless, their dead carcass forms a Nobody. The thirteen members of the Organization are down to six and they want more dudes.

Goofy: And they’re probably huge fans of the movie and want you on their squad.

Belle: YAY EVERYONE LIVED.

Beast: YAY YOU LIVED!

Lumiere, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, and Chip: Why isn’t the wardrobe here.

Beast: Belle, I’m sorry…This Xaldin guy manipulated me and…Shit, I didn’t hurt you, did I?

Belle: A couple hurt feelings that will now be blamed on Xaldin and not you. Still, I would’ve appreciated being told about Xaldin sooner, if for no other reason that I live in the same castle as you now!

Lumiere: Well this isn’t good.

Sora: Why not?

Lumiere: Remember the end of the prologue?

Donald: Oh, the part about breaking the spell?

Cogsworth: It has to be Belle! She’s literally the only woman who’s not an inanimate object to have entered the castle in the past ten years!

Lumiere: And the movie’s pretty fucking heteronormative, so…

Sora: Huh. Well they do seem close, I think they just have to say it out loud for it to happen, but it has to come out naturally, they can’t force it.

Mrs. Potts: Yeah, this isn’t much of a setback.

Goofy: No kidding, even the most loving and perfect relationships will have arguments and fights about little things on occasion, because you’re two different people with two different perspectives!

Sora: Yep, this is one hundred percent normal and they’re still in love despite this, I agree.

Keyblade: *spontaneously appears*

Sora: …What the shit?

Rose: *helps Sora open a new route without even being in the same room as him*

Beast: …That happened.

Donald: And now we must piss off.

Belle: Do you have to, though?

Sora: Not really, as soon as the cutscene kicks us off-planet we can immediately swing back around and come back. Which I fully intend on doing, I wanted to get up to level twenty-five and I’m only twenty-two at the moment.

Goofy: Don’t forget to communicate with each other, okay?

Belle: *smiles at Beast*

Beast: *gets all flustered*

Lumiere: Aww, they’re so adorable.

Mrs. Potts: Don’t fuck it up, dears!

Cogsworth: You’re in my life. Please leave.

Sora: …I just realized that I never asked about Riku or the King for the entire visit here. If you hear anything about either one of them, you’ll somehow figure out a way to communicate that to us, won’t you?

Beauty and the Beast: Sure thing.

Sora: Okay, bye for like two seconds, favorite Disney animated movie! *learns Cure* FUCKING FINALLY. *is ejected from the planet*

Goofy: …I don’t think we’ll be able to return just yet.

Sora: OH WE ARE NOT GETTING DRAGGED INTO PLOT RIGHT NOW.

Goofy: Eh, it’s just Hollow Bastion, it can’t be anything too horrible!

Sora: I disagree. *reluctantly lands at Hollow Bastion* Let’s just get this over with.

Donald: …Why are Soldier Heartless exiting Merlin’s house?

Sora: And isn’t it convenient that they disappeared right as we approached them. *enters Merlin’s house*

Merlin: *is sprawled on his ass* Oooh…I fell on my keys… *gets up* You took your sweet-ass time getting here!

Goofy: Hey, we took exactly as long as the cutscene allowed!

Merlin: Damn, I thought my Summoning Charm was stronger than that…Or maybe it was and I was just so distracted that I didn’t notice the Heartless invading one of the few safe areas they’re never supposed to invade.

Sora: Just get to the fucking point already.

Merlin: I FOUND A THINGY. *makes the Winnie the Pooh book appear in his hand and hands it to Donald for some reason*

Sora: Oh no not this.

Merlin: I know you’re a good friend of Pooh Bear, Sora—

Sora: You are stretching that definition to an unreasonable degree.

Merlin: —and I assumed you’d want to see him so I dragged you back here.

Sora: Never assume. Never ever assume.

Merlin: Unfortunately I was then attacked by Heartless.

Sora: HA!

Merlin: I was able to hold them off, and yet apparently not destroy them, but then again I didn’t want the book to be damaged, oh no, we can’t have that, you’d have to go on another fetch quest in order to complete worthless mini-games again!

Sora: A wise decision on the whole.

Merlin: Hang on, Leon and the others need to hear about this, too, and I don’t want to repeat myself, I’m gonna go grab them.

Sora: Squall, asshole. *watches Merlin Disapparate and sighs heavily* I wonder how Pooh’s doing.

Donald: Want to find out?

Players: OH GOD PLEASE NO!

Sora: FUCK YEAH I DO! *strained smile*

Players: …Why was this included, why.

Donald: *opens the book and holds it open in front of Sora*

Goofy: I know you’re good friends with Pooh. We really should wait for Merlin, but I’d like to check on Pooh. Oh…

Sora: …You know what? I don’t need to check on Pooh. *tries to leave the house but can’t, then tries to leave the planet but can’t*

Donald: Hey, I'm holding this book, asshole!

Sora: …I hate everything. *reluctantly prepares to enter the book*

Goofy: I still think we should wait for Merlin.

Sora: He literally won’t come back until I do the thing.

Goofy: In that case, do the thing.

Sora: *jumps into the book* Well, looks like all the pages are still here, plus one I don’t recognize the location of…But I can only enter one of the pages. Great. *enters the page and sees Pooh sitting on a log*

Hundred Acre Wood title card: Yeah, we know you don’t want to be here either.

Sora: *tries to grab puzzle piece* FUCK JUST OUT OF REACH AND I DON’T WANT TO COME HERE ANYMORE THAN I HAVE TO. *grabs chests before talking to Pooh*

Pooh: Sora!

Sora: Hey. How’s the honey situation?

Pooh: Pretty good! But I was just about to do a little exercise to make me feel slightly better about eating nothing of nutritional value even if it doesn’t do much in the long run. Wanna join?

Sora: Actually, that doesn’t sound like to bad of an idea.

Pooh: Sweet. *tries to jump off the log but time suddenly stops*

Sora: …Time randomly stopping…probably not a good sign. *tries to touch Pooh but gets blasted out of the book and watches it close* …Why is it on a podium, where the fuck is Donald?

Donald: Out here, fighting Heartless!

Sora: Be right there! *runs outside*

Goofy: Where’s the book?

Sora: In the safe area that no Heartless ever goes into— *watches a Soldier carry the book out* …Crap baskets.

Donald: Well this sure has been a productive day, hasn’t it. *kills everything alongside the others*

Sora: *picks up the now scratched book* …It’s fine, right? We don’t have to do anything extra this time?

Goofy: …We should probably check.

Donald: What’re we gonna tell Merlin?

Goofy: That it’s all his fault for refusing to come back unless we fucked up.

Sora: Donald, mind holding the book open for me again?

Goofy: Yeah, might as well do it here now that we know nowhere is safe. Why bother checking out the town where all the shops are, amirite?

Sora: …Damn it, I can already see that all the pages are gone. *goes into the book anyway and goes to the only page that’s left* Pooh, tell me you’re okay and you know where your friends are.

Pooh: I’m doing pretty good! But I was just about to do a little exercise to make me feel slightly better about eating nothing of nutritional value even if it doesn’t do much in the long run. So whoever you are, please leave.

Sora: … *watches Pooh get up and begin stretching* …How’s Piglet?

Pooh: Who? *continues stretching*

Sora: …It’s like Chain of Memories all over again. Except I don’t know what I’m saying because I don’t know what that is. *crosses his arms* Well this sucks, he didn’t lose his memories when all the pages went missing last time, so what gives? *leaves the book*

Merlin: Can’t be bothered to wait for an old wizard, eh?

Sora: Nope! Couldn’t be bothered to turn up when you were supposed to, especially considering no one else that you said you’d bring with you is even here right now?

Merlin: S-So how is everything in there?

Sora: Pooh has amnesia. Which did not happen the last time the book was destroyed.

Merlin: Yeah but plot though. *walks over to the book* You’ll have to collect the torn pages and repair the book to put things right.

Sora: Damn it, not a-fucking-gain.

Merlin: This book is very important to life, the universe, and everything. For some reason. I’d been meaning to tell Squall I found it—

Sora: Why would he care? Don’t tell me he actually likes that crap!

Merlin: At any rate, maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for now.

Sora: …Which is why you’re gonna leave it out in plain sight on that podium right there.

Merlin: Correctomundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again. And now to give you a summon thing that you actually have to level up this time so you’ll be inclined to actually use them this time.

Goofy: Like how we never did last time?

Merlin: Yep! And who knows? These ones may show off people you knew from last game or might foreshadow other planets you will visit in the future!

Sora: Okay, now I’m slightly more excited. *gets the Baseball Charm which can summon Chicken Little at will* …And now I’m less excited. Wait, Chicken Little was a Disney movie? I thought it was made by the guys who did Ice Age or some shit!

Merlin: Have you found any pages of Pooh’s book? They’re scattered throughout the worlds. I know how much Pooh and his friends mean to you, too. Good luck finding them all!

Sora: Again, stop making assumptions. And first thing’s first, I gotta get Chicken Little to level up…I cannot believe those words just came out of my mouth… *goes back to Beast’s castle*

Mrs. Potts: It seems someone dreadful was after the master. I know you have a hard task before you, but try not to overdo it.

Chip: I saw some thick, black smoke clinging to those statues. Is that what’s making them move? And eventually respawn each time you destroy them? With them jumping out at people like that, I’m scared!

Lumiere: At first, Belle and the master barely spoke to each other. Now they’re inseparable! Ah, sweet amour! You never know where life will lead.

Cogsworth: We will not tolerate suspicious persons roaming freely about the castle! Of course you, on the other hand, are welcome any time.

Belle: *is back up in her room* The Beast is really a kind person at heart. I’m sure everything will go just fine.

Wardrobe: This castle’s really livened up ever since Belle came.

Sora: Phrasing. *gets up to twenty-five and levels up Chicken Little as much as possible before heading to Olympus*

~No the Winnie the Pooh section did not deserve its own chapter, why would you ever think it would.~

Chapter Text

~Wow, getting right into it, huh?~

Rock Titan: *falls over and then gets grabbed by the foot and swung around by Hercules until he’s let go and thrown into the sky* ROCK TITAN’S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAIIIIINNnnnn…Twinkle.

Hercules: YAY I DID THE THING! *raises sword in the air to tumultuous applause by the audience who STILL ISN’T EVEN FUCKING THERE I HATE THIS FUCKING PLANET*

Olympus Coliseum title card: You say that now, but this time we’re including the Underworld!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: *in fact land in the Underworld*

Goofy: …We sure this is the same planet? I thought that arena was kind of it for the whole planet.

Donald: Well, last time the same door that leads down here used to lead off-planet. They must have rerouted it or something.

Sora: WHERE THE FUCK DOES THE GUMMI SHIP GO ON THESE FUCKING MISSIONS.

Meg: SOMEBODY CALL IX-I-I! *running away from some Rabid Dogs*

Sora: Oh I do not like those guys. Thought they were blue instead of purple, though…

Donald: How would you even know?

Sora: I—Hmm…

Rabid Dogs: *run off, leaving Meg on the ground*

Sora: …All we have to do is go up and talk to her? That’s lame, why not make it all one cutscene? *goes back to Meg* You refuse to get up unless we help you, huh?

Meg: *sits up on her own* Nah, I don’t know why that was there either. *ignores Sora’s offered hand and stands up*

Sora: But…you…A-Aren’t you…a damsel in distress?

Meg: I’m a damsel… *brushes rubble off her dress* I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Sora: …I’m Sora, he’s Donald, and that’s Goofy.

Goofy: *rubs his nose*

Meg: …Are you always this articulate?

Sora: Look, we’re here to see Heracles, but clearly we’re in the wrong part of Greece.

Meg: Heracles? You mean Hercules? And by Hercules I mean Wonderboy?

Donald: Yeah, us heroes have to stick together even if he’s never in the party with us.

Goofy: Wonder if Phil will upgrade us from junior hero status now that we’ve saved the entire fucking universe.

Meg: Well at least we know the same people, that apparently instantly makes me trust you. Name’s Megara. My friends call me Meg; at least they would if I had any friends.

Sora: Oh, you’re Heracles’s first wife whose two sons he ended up murdering when Hera cursed him with temporary insanity so you were given to his nephew to wed next while he set out to complete a crapload of tasks to make up for being such a dick and become immortal as a bonus. And/or you also died with your kids, different versions say different things, some say he had three kids.

Meg: …Wha—

Sora: SPOILERS!

Meg:

Sora: …So how’s Herc? It’s been a year since we’ve seen him, after all.

Meg: He will not stop fucking fighting in that damn Coliseum every fucking day. He could be out saving lives, but instead he thinks he has to prove his strength to the multitude of people who come to watch him everyday. Which is no one. Literally, the stands are always empty except for me and Phil, I don’t know what Phil’s been putting in those energy drinks but they’re doing a number on his brain. Also they make him crash something fierce, but he keeps fighting anyway because I think that’s all he knows how to do at this point. Even Wonderboy has his limits, though. It’s not like he’s ever heard of sleep before and can just take a day off once in a while, apparently nothing like that has ever occurred to him. He’s smart like that. And it doesn’t help that Hades keeps sending him dudes from the Underworld, even Abnormal Titans, though it’s a blessing that he hasn’t sent them on the civilian population in a while.

Donald: Hey guys, remember when I Blizzaga’d Hades’s hair off last year?

Sora: Yeah, that was back before you started the game with Cure and your AI was terrible, now you’re marginally tolerable and I think you only died once on me so far!

Meg: YOU CLEARLY DON’T KNOW THAT HE RUNS THE UNDERWORLD SO I MUST INFORM YOU OF IT POSTHASTE. But yeah, I was gonna go try to talk to him or whatever, I actually used to sort of work for him — long story, I’m done now — so I figured I could get him to lay of for a day or two, you know?

Sora: …What in Zeus’s name convinced you that this would be a good idea.

Meg: *shrugs* People always do crazy things when they’re in love.

Goofy: THAT MEANS YOU LIKE HIM, RIGHT?!

Meg: N-No! It’s not like I like him or anything, b-b-b-baka!

Sora: …What is this game even trying to do anymore, this is turning to shit. Look, we’ll talk to Hades for you. At least we have the ability to beat him into submission. We actually have weapons and crime-fighting abilities because we don’t suck at life. You go eat a sandwich, for fuck’s sake.

Meg: That actually sounds like a good idea. Just don’t tell Wonderboy about any of this.

Sora: …Why?

Meg: ‘Cause he’ll try to stop us?

Sora: Meh.

Meg: It’s said the Underworld saps a person’s strength, meaning you can’t change into any of your Goku uniforms for the time being. Watch out for falling rocks, they will actively try to murder you and it’s the most annoying shit in the world.

Sora: Shit, that sounds like a real bitch to deal with. *goes to the next area and clears out a room and a tunnel full of Heartless before heading into what is clearly another save area*

Demyx: *comes barreling towards them*

Sora: *draws Keyblade*

Demyx: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M RUNNING FROM! *runs right past them and disappears into a Dark Corridor*

Sora: … *head tilt* Okay…?

This line: *is the best line in the game, considering that it’s also the reactions of anyone new to the series whenever anyone who’s played the games tries and fails to explain the plot*

iheartmwpp: But you NEED images to explain this because there are two characters voiced by Jesse McCartney and two other characters voiced by Haley Joel Osment and they exist in two completely different time periods and it’s especially difficult because the two characters voiced by Jesse McCarney look exactly the fucking same except for their outfits and one of them even has two different outfits while at least the two characters voiced by Haley Joel Osment have different hair and eye colors.

AllSolsDay: …Yeah, you lost me.

iheartmwpp: Exactly.

AllSolsDay: I think I just proved your point for you.

iheartmwpp: And that’s not even getting to the nineteen different Xehanorts…

Absent Silhouette: *appears near the entrance to the next area*

Donald: …That is a floating book.

Sora: I don’t remember this book entitled “Absent Silhouettes” being in the vanilla version.

Goofy: Looks like we can’t activate it until later, though. And if and when we do we need to be ridiculously overpowered because this is basically a hidden boss, I somehow know.

Sora: You’re right, I don’t feel comfortable right now. Wonder why it’s a book, though, does it list all of the enemies we’ll have to fight or—ZEXION!

Donald: Who?

Sora: I don’t know, the name just came to me.

Goofy: Usual fourth-wall breaking or Roxas influence?

Sora: Either? Both, I don’t know, this realization is parody-only anyway. *leaves the area*

~And suddenly we see the villains talking to each other again. I miss when Hades talked to credible Disney villains.~

Hades: What kind of designs are we even throwing out there for the Heartless anymore? Those dogs look idiotic and those Creeper Plants look like you’re running out of ideas.

Pete: …I thought you were complaining about those punks who just came to the planet.

Hades: Yeah, I can’t believe those guys are still alive, to be honest.

Pete: So back to Hercules. I know we’re tiring him out slowly but surely, but when are you gonna throw one of your bigger guns at him, or maybe even fight him yourself to deal the finishing blow? I mean, you’re kinda running low on fighters, here. How ‘bout at least sending some already dead dudes after him, watch him fight against a zombie apocalypse or some shit.

Hades: Because zombie apocalypses are so cliché…But I could use a dead guy…

Pete, Pain, and Panic: *cower in fear*

~Wonder if it’s gonna be someone cool from Greek mythology…or some other overrated character from Final Fantasy again…~

Sora: *sees the green whirlpool of the dead* Oh I remember this scene from the movie.

Donald: *indistinguishable quacking*

Goofy: I have no idea what the fuck you just said, Donald.

Sora: *steps forward* Hades, come out! *stamps humongous foot, causing an earthquake* NOW! *throws a temper tantrum*

Hades: *doesn’t come out*

Sora: …Fine, we’ll just climb up to you, then! *runs up to Hades’s throne room thing*

Pete: Those stairs must take a while to climb up if we still have time to talk like this. *stares into different green whirlpool of death* So…what up?

Hades: Well apparently the Underworld has a dungeon, and I’m digging into it to bring out a truly evil villain that will conform to my will and do my bidding. Hopefully.

Pete: H-Hopefully?! *backs into the wall where Pain and Panic are already cowering* So…So I’m just gonna leave, now…

Hades: Memo to me, memo to me, maim you after my meeting. *summons two fireballs in his hands and throws them into the green pit of death, causing a column of smoke*

Auron: *appears from that smoke and lands on the floor*

Hades: *starts cackling maniacally* Name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doing? Hey, I only need a few seconds and I’m a fast talker, all right? So I apparently can just bring people back from the dead whenever I damn well choose, and if you kill Hercules for me, I’ll totally let you go free.

Auron: …Hmph. This is my story, and you’re not part of it. Seriously, what am I doing in a Disney movie all of a sudden. *raises his sword over his shoulder with his good arm*

FFX fans: …Where’d Hades get the idea that Auron was a bad guy, anyway?

Guys who despise FFX with the fiery passion of a thousand suns (except for the battle system, the battle system’s hype as fuck): YES, THE ONLY TOLERABLE PART OF THAT FUCKING GAME HAS ARRIVED—hey wait, what happened to his shades? And is his arm permanently busted now or what? Hell, what was with his arm in the original game, anyway?

Hades: All of you shut up! *rounds on Auron* YOU WORK FOR ME. If I say sing, you say, “Hey, name that tune!” If I say, “I want Wonderboy’s head on a platter,” you say…?

Auron: …Iunno, medium or well done?

Hades: Now you’re getting the hang of this! Because I am literally the god of death, so you do not want to go against me.

Auron: Heh. No wonder no one wants to die.

Hades: WHY IS YOUR ORIGINAL DIALOGUE SO GODDAMN AMAZING. *bursts into red-hot flames which we already know are cooler than the blue fire I’m gonna just stop bringing that up*

Auron: *blocks Hades’s incoming attack with his sword*

Sora: *runs in* …Um, if you’re busy, we can come back later…

Donald: Or we could help maybe?

Hades: I am distract.

Auron: *pushes him off and slashes at him* You gonna help or you just gonna stand there? *slashes at Hades again but Hades blocks him with his sword and throws him back, and is about to throw fireballs at his prone form when Sora jumps in front of him*

Sora: For fuck’s sake, am I helping you or not?!

Hades: …Wow, this escalated quickly. *is completely unable to be hit during the entire two seconds of fight time*

Donald: Okay, now we’re feeling the effects of the Underworld curse?!

Sora: Maybe it’s because of our current proximity to the big boss man.

Hades: Actually it’s the deal with the Underworld in general. Hero to zero in no time flat, hero to zero just like that. *blinks, realizing what he just said* Ay, verse, oy. *goes to attack them with fire again, but Auron slashes right through the smoke he just turned into*

Auron: Dude, leave. Now.

Sora: But I actually have a purpose for being down here! I need Hades to listen to me about something!

Hades: What?

Sora: I said I need you to listen to me about something?

Hades: What?

Sora: I said I…That took me too long to figure out.

Hades: Yes it did. *is about to throw fireballs at them again*

Auron: *grabs Sora’s arm* Kid, I know what the fuck I’m doing. When I say we have to go, we have to go. *turns and leaves with Donald and Goofy*

Sora: *reluctantly leaves behind them, dodging fireballs on the way out* Party switch tiem. Hey new guy, wanna join with us?

Auron: Oh no. Hell no. I put up with Jecht’s whiny bitch-ass son for an entire fucking game, I refuse to put up with Donald. Get him out of the fucking party this instant.

Sora: Done and done! Goofy’s more liberal with the potions anyway.

Goofy: It’s true! A-hyuk!

Donald: Aw come on! I'm way better with the healing shit this time!

Sora: Fucking goddamn it, Donald. I mean you're a literal life-saver but fuck you.

Donald: …You know what, if it’s Auron it’s okay.

Sora and Goofy: Good. *close the door behind them as soon as Auron and Donald make it out*

Donald: So we’re safe now, right?

Auron: Did…Did you forget he can teleport?

Hades: Yeah I can teleport.

Sora: Huh? *sees Hades right next to him* Oh, hi.

Hades: Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Wash my car. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat. Feel the heat.

Sora: I’m not sure I understand, do you want me to cool off? *ignores Hades and just fights Heartless until the invisible walls open one by one and they get back to the nearest save point*

Donald: *collapses next to Sora and Goofy*

Auron: *is the only one not tired*

Sora: So you’re fucking amazing. You a hero or something, I hear that’s big on this planet.

Auron: I’m actually not from this planet either. And I know everyone calls me something akin to a hero, but considering what that title cost me, I’m not too fond of it…Name’s Auron.

Sora: I’m Sora.

Donald: *jumps on Sora’s head* Donald!

Goofy: *jumps on both of them* Goofy!

Sora: *collapses under their weight*

Auron: …Yeah, you’re gonna need a guardian if you wanna make it through this.

Sora: Guardian? Nah, man, I think we’re good.

Auron: …You’re currently on your hands and knees after being brought down by a talking dog monster and the most annoying being I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet apart from Tidus.

Sora: Wait, you know Tidus?

Auron:You know Tidus?

Sora: Oh yeah, we used to play on the island together. He and Wakka were always trying to prevent those filthy Al Bhed from stealing all our jobs. Tidus tried to learn to fight with the rest of us, but for some reason he couldn’t do much damage unless his sword thing got wet. And Wakka insists on attacking people with volleyballs and trying to rope everyone into joining the upcoming race war.

Auron: Praise be to Yevon, they haven’t changed at all, have they, I never had any patience for Wakka's racism. Out of morbid curiosity, how are they, anyway?

Sora: Iunno, I haven’t seen them in like a year or something. Wakka changed his Facebook status to Grand Wizard last time I checked, though.

Auron: Yeah that's great, back to not caring. And back to wondering what Yuna and the others are up to.

Sora: We’ll be running into Yuna and Rikku later, they and Paine seem to be doing all right. Moving on, you know.

Auron: That’s good, at least…

Goofy: I want to keep our promise with Meg, but Hades won’t listen. Which we totally knew going in. We’d better leave. We can think about what to do next after we leave here.

Donald: Auron is really powerful. He may deny it, but he must be a hero.

Sora: …On second thought, we might be in serious trouble if he turns out to be a villain or something. I mean, I know he’s not, but what if, you know?

Auron: So the Underworld curse is draining our strength. You must be weakened by the curse, too. Never forget that.

Sora: These chains around the drive gauge won’t let me.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Pete: The entire level is saturated with Heartless, they’ll kill those pipsqueaks eventually. You just keep working on turning Hercules into a Heartless. Which was apparently our intention all along. Which…Shit, we’ll be helping the Organization get a really powerful Nobody out of this, won’t we. And we thought Xaldin was up to no good all this time…

Hades: *bursts into red flames* I DON’T WANT HIM TURNED INTO A HEARTLESS, I WANT HIM DEAD! *goes back to blue* All right, fine, fine, I’m cool, I’m fine. *snaps his fingers and Fluffy shows up at his window* Go get ‘em, boy!

~Oh great, we get to fight Cerberus for the seventeenth time so far this series, what were the odds.~

Sora, Goofy, and Auron: *fight their way back through the Underworld until a cutscene shows that Donald’s been with them this whole time somehow*

Donald: …Why’s the door to the entrance to the Underworld closed?

Goofy: It’s kind of always closed, we just run into it, our vision darkens, and when it clears we’re on the other side. That’s kind of how most doors work for us unless there’s a special cutscene where Sora has to activate a lock.

Sora: Too bad that’s not happening now, I can’t get this door open at all.

Donald: …You guys are gonna feel like the biggest idiots when you see what’s on top of the door.

Sora: I WONDER IF I CAN UNLOCK THAT KEYHOLE WITH MY GIANT KEY!

Auron: I don’t get it, do you think that’ll work or something?

Sora: …Oh yeah, you’ll fit right in with us.

Auron: Well be quick about it, Fluffy’s here.

Fluffy: *is now there*

Sora: Oh good, if only I knew how to fight this guy. *unlocks Keyhole*

Door: *opens*

Auron: *gets sword caught in one of Fluffy’s jaws before yanking it out*

Donald: …Wait, we’re just leaving this guy?

Sora: What, is he still over there? NOES I NEED NEW ABILITIES. And also Auron can’t die, he’s too badass! And also he’s already dead, so…there’s that…

Donald: You do that, we’ll just stand here and watch.

Goofy: Seriously, an invisible wall just popped up, we can’t do shit.

Sora: Auron! Limit break!

Auron: *uses Bushido and both he and Sora attack for massive damage and otherwise just generally beat up the thing’s heads*

Sora: …Why is it so much easier to fight him than it was last year? Is it because I’ve got a competent fighter by my side, because I can jump better right from the start, because the camera is infinitely better on every conceivable level, or because I’m taller?

Auron: Yes. *helps him commit horrible animal abuse*

Fluffy: *collapses*

Donald: The invisible wall’s suddenly gone, quick!

Sora and Auron: *run through the door as Donald and Goofy close them*

Donald and Goofy: *are suddenly right beside Sora making funny faces at the broken and bleeding form of Fluffy, who runs up and slams into the closed doors*

~Hey wow, we haven’t seen Herc since we fucking got here!~

Meg: Think your little nanny goat will go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon?

Hercules: No, but my screaming fans will. They came to see me. They came to see a hero. I can’t let them down.

Meg: …The stands are always empty, who the fuck are you talking about? Phil’s got an applause machine on constant loop, that’s fucking all! And besides, why can’t you just go back to saving random citizens from monsters instead of this tournament crap? This is like the suckiest part of the game anyway!

Hercules: You haven’t seen Atlantica yet this game.

Meg: True…

Hercules: *gets up* Don’t worry about me, Meg! A hero doesn’t need rest anyway!

Meg: You chose to be mortal and thus you do need fucking rest, you shit!

Hercules: LOOK AT THESE TWENTY-FOUR-INCH PYTHONS! Anyway, bye I guess! *goes into the arena where Phil’s already started the applause track with a resigned expression on his face*

Meg: …Sora, you better not have fucked everything up.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Sora: I can’t believe we fucked everything up.

Donald: What do you mean, you totally kicked Fluffy’s…Oh, the talk with Hades, right.

Goofy: Looks like Auron fucked off.

Sora: Eh, we’ll see him later in the game I guess. Let’s go talk to Meg, see if we can get any tips on how to actually sway Hades. *heads up to the actual Coliseum finally*

~Man we’re switching perspectives a lot, aren’t we.~

Hades: I AM SULKING.

Pete, Pain, and Panic: We are also sulking.

Hades: Oh, apparently we were talking about how the Keyblade works on any lock. Which I should know, having worked with Maleficent and the others last year and us having talked about this shit all the fucking time.

Pete: Well you got a busy job, it’s understandable if you forget shit sometimes.

Hades: …So I have a Coliseum of my own, right, it’s here in the Underworld and it presents a real challenge.

Pete: What kind of challenge?

Hades: You have to force yourself through it in order to fill up Jiminy’s Journal and maybe a few prizes/abilities here and there, but that’s it. No EXP for all that wasted effort.

Pete: *sniffles with pride* That’s the most evil thing I’ve ever heard! And we can get rid of both Herc and those punks! Four birds with one stone!

Hades: Except we can’t get into it because my youngest brother’s an asshole.

Pete: Right, keep forgetting Zeus is the youngest.

Hades: Now put two and two together and…

Pete: …ARE YOU SAYING THAT WE CAN USE THE THING THAT CAN OPEN ANY LOCK TO UNLOCK THE UNLOCKABLE LOCK?!

Hades: …I hope when I grow up I get to be as fucking stupid as you. Now how to steal something that can apparently just be stored in another dimension when it’s not in use…

Pete: Sorry, but only those who have been presented with a Keyblade have the ability to use one. Also you should know how strong that fucking kid is, I know he’s been de-leveled but he’s still beaten you how many times?

Hades: Meh, time to kidnap people again. *summons an action figure of Meg*

Actual Meg: *sneezes*

Sora: YAY WE MADE IT TO THE PLACE WITH THE THING DURING ALL THAT TIME!

Goofy: Stuff happened here!

Sora: Very good, Goofy! *heads up to the Coliseum proper after grabbing some shit*

Hercules: *opens the doors before they can come in* Man, I’m exhausted…And I just woke up completely! Hi, Sora, Donald, and Goofy!

Sora: Your voice actually sounds not shitty this time!

Donald: Way to get your actual voice actor to do your actual voice!

Goofy: How come you couldn’t do that last time?

Hercules: Reasons, I suspect. So what’s the plan for this game?

Sora: Looking for Riku and the King, and…killing six guys. That’s like it, we kind of already saved the universe last time, I don’t think that’s actually as big a deal this time.

Hercules: Meh, not everything has to be an earth-shattering event.

Sora: Which is why Doctor Who’s getting kind of stale, the Earth is about to explode almost literally every other episode.

Hercules: THE GIRL WHO DIED AND THE WOMAN WHO LIVED, THOUGH.

Sora: THE FACT THAT THOSE ARE THE MOST RECENT HIGHLIGHTS IS ABSURDLY TELLING! *high-fives Hercules and follows him inside*

Hercules: So did you find the people you were originally looking for, which I don’t know if I knew about that but I do now?

Sora: Found one of them, still working on the other two. We came here for the fuck of it and ran into M…multitudes of Heartless down in the Underworld.

Meg: Nice save.

Sora: Then we tried to yell at Hades for being a massive douchenozzle, but we’re unable to fight him in the Underworld I guess. Also I can’t activate my two-star Goku uniform, which wouldn’t be that much of a big deal since I leveled up Valor to the max that it’ll let me get to right now, but I still wanna jump and reach puzzle pieces so it’s still inconvenient. You got any cunning plans?

Hercules: Yeah, a rock.

Sora: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Hercules: It protects against any form of powering down the Underworld dishes out. Even gods use it. Now, my Greek mythology isn’t that up to snuff—

Sora: NO FUCKING WAY.

Hercules: —so I forget if this is a real thing or not but it sounds at least vaguely plausible so let’s go with it.

Sora: Think they’d let a bunch of mortals borrow it for a while?

Hercules: Iunno, I’ll ask ‘em.

Donald: Thanks!

Goofy: Even if they don’t lend it out, it sure is nice of you to explore a new area that we’ll never get to go to!

Hercules: But don’t forget, Hades is a god, and he’s gonna be hard to beat even with the rock.

Sora: …We know?

Hercules: Also I have a fight today so I can’t go with you. Because a game to impress absolutely no one in the stands is more important to me than making sure you don’t die.

Sora: Good to know where your priorities are.

Hercules: Hey, how ‘bout training with Phil to pass the time until I get back?

Sora: Meaning the story won’t progress unless we train with Phil, got it.

Meg: Hercules went to go get the Olympus Stone. In the meantime, shouldn’t you be training, junior heroes?

Donald: You had to tell her about that, didn’t you?

Goofy: I’m already regretting it, yes.

Phil: *is setting up pots in the arena* Once again, I refuse to turn around to actually check who it is I’m speaking to. And apparently you have a match tomorrow, not today, so you totally could’ve gone with Sora no problem. But yeah, those adoring fans of yours who totally exist and were not wiped out by you not saving everyone like a real hero would aren’t going to cheer for some tired, washed-up loser. Two words: Go the fuck to sleep!

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: Five words, you shmuck.

Phil: …Oh, it’s you five!

Goofy: Three, sir.

Phil: Three! *swings a few punches at Sora who blocks them all easily*

Sora: Your static happy face is terrifying, Phil.

Phil: Glad of you to notice! So you think you’re ready to be true heroes yet?

Sora: WE LITERALLY SAVED THE FUCKING UNIVERSE LAST YEAR.

Phil: Yeah, but what have you done lately?

Sora: Helped save all of China?

Phil: I don’t know what or where that is.

Sora: Why do I keep humoring you people.

Phil: So wanna train or what? HA! You wanna take on Hades?!

Donald: Yes, that is exactly what we’ve just finished describing to you.

Phil: Good fucking luck! Step one is call in the specialist, man! Step two is don’t not call in the specialist.

Sora: We did. So you gonna train us or not.

Phil: …Eh, why not, this way I can say I tried to help when they fish your corpses out of the River Styx.

Goofy: We have to break these weird things as fast as possible, and pick up the orbs. I think we should aim for ones bunched together.

Donald: Hercules used to train under Phil, right? I guess no one starts out being a hero from the beginning.

Sora: *gathers up twenty orbs from shattered pots way under the time limit* Pots don’t hit back, what’s next.

Phil: Way more pots!

Sora: Oh for fuck’s sake.

~LIFE IS GOOD! THIS IS FUN!~

Chapter Text

~MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!~

Sora: *gets a hundred orbs under the time limit*

Hercules: *walks into the arena and just stops*

Goofy: It looks like Hercules is back. He seems to be searching for someone. And by that I mean he’s just standing around not talking to anyone. I wonder what’s up.

Phil: The curse of the Underworld, eh? Yep, that can be a bummer. But if you can overcome that trial, you’ll be one step closer to being a hero.

Donald: Well, we’ve trained, but I wonder if it’ll be enough to face Hades. Anyway, we’d better go borrow that rock thing from Hercules.

Phil: So I’m leaving for reasons.

Sora: What reasons?

Phil: Personal ones!

Sora: Oh, sorry.

Hercules: *once Phil’s gone* So the rock’s been stolen apparently.

Goofy: …Well that’s ballsy, stealing a rock from under the nose of multiple gods.

Sora: No kidding.

Hercules: We don’t know the identity of the thief, but citizens have been advised to keep a lookout for a male of average height in a long, black, hooded jacket with an equally long zipper and a chain across the chest for no reason. He has several white accomplices. Know of anyone who fits that description?

Sora: HOW THE FUCK DID DEMYX GROW ENOUGH OF A PAIR TO INFILTRATE MOUNT FUCKING OLYMPUS.

Hercules: …I’ll take that as a yes.

Sora: Hey, if we get the rock thing back, can we borrow it for a little while, despite you already agreeing to let us use it with no strings attached not five minutes ago?

Hercules: Sure, why the fuck not. Hey, uh, seen Meg around anywhere?

Sora: She was in the vestibule when we last spoke.

Hercules: Well I just came from there and she wasn’t there.

Hades: Well isn’t that sad. And why do you look so tired lately, anyway? You’re slipping, my friend!

Sora: Yeah, about that, actually— *gets flicked in the forehead by Hades and topples over*

Hades: So anyway, Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little…Nutmeg got lost in the Underworld.

Hercules: You mean you kidnapped her.

Hades: Eh, details.

Hercules: *whistles*

Pegasus: *comes flying in from somewhere*

Hades: Yeah, you’re not going anywhere.

Hercules: Why not?

Hades: *smirks* Hail Hydra.

Hercules: …I thought I already killed that thing.

Hades: Yeah, you seem to be constantly getting in the way. But no, the stadium will be destroyed if you leave, so…I wouldn’t if I were you, is all I’m saying.

Sora: Because you’re bringing it here!

Hades: Again with the details.

Hercules: FIGHT BACK! YOU COWARD, FIGHT BACK!

Hades: Enh…Naaah. Disapparate! *disappears in a cloud of smoke*

Hercules: Ahh, magic! *throws hands up over his face*

Sora: We got this.

Hercules: You’ll rescue the love of my life for me while I save absolutely no one and just fight a giant monster?

Donald: …Suddenly I’m thinking we’re better heroes than you.

Goofy: And yet we get the lesser rank. This shit confuses me.

Sora: If you can somehow take down Hydra, we’ll handle everything else.

Hercules: Good. Pegasus? Find Meg for them I guess.

Pegasus: *nods and flies off*

Sora: …What, we couldn’t have ridden him to where Meg is, we have to take the long way, what the shit. *turns to Hercules* So why do you have a flying horse thing, anyway? Thought one of Poseidon’s sons was supposed to tame it or something, not one of Zeus’s, what’s it doing here?

Hercules: What’re you talking about, my father Zeus made Pegasus from a cloud when I was a baby.

Sora: …Makes about as much sense as being made from the blood of Medusa when Perseus killed her, I suppose.

Hercules: The hell’re you going on about?

Sora: Actual Greek mythology, the hell’re you talking about?!

Hercules: Believe me, I wish I could leave this instant to rescue Megara…Please help her, Sora, at least until I defeat the Hydra!

Sora: …Why are you suddenly calling her Megara, I thought her friends called her Meg, and you’re definitely more than that. *heads to the Underworld, where they find Phil unconscious* Oh great.

Phil: Oh…I fell on my keys…

Sora: Did you just trip, or…?

Phil: There was a guy dressed in black and it didn’t look like the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen so I tried to go after him but he knocked me out.

Donald: ARE YOU SAYING THAT THERE WAS A GUY DRESSED IN BLACK ON THIS PLANET WHERE WE’VE ALREADY SEEN A GUY DRESSED IN BLACK?!

Sora: He stole the rock we need to not die down here.

Goofy: Which way’d he go?

Phil: He went into the Underworld!

Sora: …Dude, we’re in the Underworld.

Phil: I mean the new green door that is now available to you and isn’t blocked off by impassible flames that you somehow couldn’t jump over. Damn that guy, all I wanted was to find someone to fight in the arena so that Herc could take some time off for once, I know I’ve been pushing him too hard but that blond never came back and…Oh shit, he used to wear a black cloak too, could it have been him, he looked taller, maybe a growth spurt was involved?

Sora: Bypassing over that last part, if you wanted someone to fight in a tournament for you, you could’ve just asked the three guys who are well known for not only beating every single tournament that was available last year but also the guys who insisted on going solo and under a time limit!

Phil: Oh, and who might that be?

Sora: …You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?

Phil: That guy in black doused the fire that blocked this entrance and went into the cave. To be honest, I’m worried about you. Be sure to prepare before you go in. There’s a Moogle right over there. This could not be more obvious. Just do the thing that you were going to do anyway while I continue to treat you like a five-year-old.

Sora: Hurg. *goes up to Hades’s chambers for the fuck of it and also to level up a bit more*

Hades: I’ll be keeping an eye on you, Keyblade Master. Heh heh heh…

Sora: Still not a master yet and am getting really sick of this terminology. *finally goes through the door he’s supposed to*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Hercules: *fights the Hydra to seemingly its death*

Nonexistent crowd: *starts cheering Hercules’s name*

Hercules: WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT CHEERING COMING FROM, THERE’S NOBODY FUCKING HERE. *runs off even though he knows the Hydra isn’t dead on account of he’s done it before and this is not how it turns out*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Sora: *after fighting a new, stronger heartless* Man…This Underworld curse is really getting to me. Apparently. Despite doing kind of fine just now.

Goofy: We’ve got to get the rock thing back fast!

Donald: WHY ARE WE STILL HARPING ON THIS SHIT, WE FUCKING GET IT.

Sora: *heads into the Atrium of the Underdrome where Demyx is standing there, waiting for them*

Demyx: Oh, it’s you guys! *takes down his hood* Roxas! Buddy! Remember me? I still owe you like, ten thousand favors for all those missions you took for me!

Sora: …I think you have me confused with someone else.

Demyx: I really don’t think I do. Fucking amnesia…

Sora: Bypassing the roughly year-long gap in my memories, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Demyx: *reading off a card* “Try to beat some sense into him if he can’t remember shit.” Damn it, they know I can’t fight for shit…

Sora: What’re you talking about, you’re plenty strong, you just don’t enjoy it.

Demyx: This is true. *pulls out what looks like Hercules’s medallion*

Goofy: Ain’t that the rock thing we want? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THE GUY WE THOUGHT WAS A THIEF WAS ACTUALLY A THIEF?!

Demyx: Well that’s not very nice. *Olympus Stone shines around him and he summons his sitar* MIZU BUNSHIN NO JUTSU—I-I mean, dance, water, dance!

Sora: …So I have to destroy all of these before the time runs out? Good, this is actually good training ‘cause this shit fights back! *kills a hundred before the time goes out*

Demyx: Not bad, Roxas! And now my shoulder hurts for some reason. Now, c’mon, Roxas, I know you miss us! You’ll come back to us eventually, I know you will. *leaves through a Dark Corridor*

Sora: *rests his Keyblade on his shoulder* Guy’s a broken record. I’m sure his cryptic message won’t affect us in any way.

Donald: Well at least he dropped the rock thing we needed.

Sora: Gimme. If I’m holding it it’ll protect all three of us. I somehow know. *holds it up and lets the light wash over all three of them* YAY I CAN USE GOKU UNIFORMS AGAIN! Oh and we should probably help Meg already.

Goofy: Hold up, Final Mix bonus shit happening.

Demyx: I AM BACK AND STUFF.

Sora: Ready for round two?

Demyx: Not yet, I’m just here to deliver exposition about a new game mechanic. So the Absent Silhouettes are bonus bosses—

Goofy: Called it!

Demyx: —that are actually dead bodies of people that either you or Riku fought last game.

Sora: We found a book with that title.

Demyx: Ah, that one’s Zexion. Each one looks roughly like the weapon of the person who was taken down. And the more you fight, the more memories might resurface.

Sora: What’re you talking about?

Demyx: Beat them and earn bonus shit. *leaves again*

Sora: …That guy’s a weird dude.

Donald: We can do that later, we gotta complete the plot first!

Sora: Or I can save, backtrack, try the fight with Zexion, get my ass handed to me, and reload the game and pretend I didn’t do shit yet. Heh, of course he’d be carrying a Secret Ansem’s Report, that guy can’t keep track of shit, can he…Why do I know this. *enters the next room* Oh hey glowing rainbow carving of Meg right next to a convenient Keyhole.

Donald: Hey! Doesn’t that rock kind of resemble Megara? I bet that’s where she’s being kept!

Sora: … *slow clap*

Goofy: The rock thing has completely lifted the Underworld curse! I can feel my strength coming back, like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. Don’t really know how it affected me personally but apparently it did and I feel fine now.

Sora: Uh-huh. *uses the Keyblade on the rock thing which disappears and reveals a pillar of green light*

Donald: …That didn’t free Meg at all.

Sora: Maybe she’s through this obvious portal? ‘Cause otherwise I’m out of ideas.

Donald: YAY YOU DID THE THING!

Goofy: But we’ll probably have to fight a boss fight now.

Sora: Probably. *saves and steps into the portal thing* NOW POSE LIKE A BADASS! *poses like a badass*

Donald and Goofy: *would look more badass if they weren’t Donald and Goofy*

Meg: YAY BIG STRONG MEN TO SAVE ME I hate my role in this. Strong independent woman who desperately needs a man because that’s why I was created. FML.

Sora: How’d you even get kidnapped, anyway, you were right in the building with us.

Meg: Well, you know how men are. They think no means yes and get lost means take me, I’m yours.

Sora: …All you’re saying is facts. Please stop, you make me sad.

Hades: *is understandably unimpressed* Wow. A key that can unlock things. Fascinating. Bye-bye now! *Disapparates*

Meg: Well that happened. And now there’s a giant fat cat thing.

Pete: *starts cackling evilly while surrounded by Hook Bats* And I still think you’re all weak little pussies! There’s nothing like a fight with someone vastly weaker than me to prove how strong I am!

Sora: …I’d argue the lack of ethics in that statement if that wasn’t exactly how I choose to level up in literally every game I've ever played.

Pete: *orders the Hook Bats to attack*

Sora: Oh please, these guys? Piece of cake—

Meg: You forget I’m stuck with you guys and am tied up and shit.

Sora: …Fuck.

Lanipator: What's stopping Pete from just walking over to her and beating the shit out of her?

LordMoonstone: He has decency.

Lanipator: No he doesn't, he's Pete.

Sora:*still manages to kill them all while mostly defending Meg*

Pete: *sends out two more Hook Bats in a cutscene*

Sora: *still takes them out with ease*

Four more Hook Bats: *pop up*

Sora: Okay, enough with the respawning.

Donald: Yeah, we should just leave.

Sora: *swings his Keyblade down and breaks through Meg’s cloud chain things*

Meg: …WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

Sora: I honestly don’t know, I am so sorry.

Hercules: *bursts into song* Here I come to save the daaaaay~! *barrels past Pete* Sorry I’m late, had to cut off a head. *whistles for Pegasus again*

Pegasus: *kicks Pete in the head on his way over*

Pete: …I should seriously be dead right now. As it is, here’s some not-at-all annoying cartoonish sound effects!

Hercules: Pegasus, take Meg and get back to the Coliseum, we’ll meet you there after this boss battle. *puts Meg on Pegasus*

Sora: So you’re fighting them?

Hercules: Of course I am! I’m a true hero, after all! I need to do this in order to retain my title! *slaps Pegagus’s flank and he flies off with Meg*

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: …Wait, why are we leaving.

Pete: I don’t know, but you’re all dea—Hey, don’t cut me off!

Hercules: *blocks his way*

Pegasus: *lands outside the portal*

Meg: I don’t wanna go.

Sora: Dude, Herc’s got this.

Meg: But he’s been tired out for months, what if this one’s the one he’s too exhausted to fight?

Sora: Then we’ll fight with him and drag him back to the Coliseum once we’re done! Was kind of planning on doing that anyway but we had to get rid of—I mean see you off safely first. Apparently maybe.

Donald: Just leave already, both of you are useless here.

Pegasus: *flies off with Meg*

Pete: *is shown surrounded by even more constantly respawning Heartless and Hercules looking like he’s holding a bloody lip or something even though there’s obviously no blood*

Sora: HEY WE’RE BACK! And this isn’t to prove we’re heroes, this is because it’s the right thing to do. You know. Like actual heroes should behave.

Hercules: …Just shut up and help me fight these guys.

Sora: *occasionally teams up with Hercules to deal a blow to Pete and cut through a temporary invincible barrier he sometimes sets up, but usually just beats the shit out of Pete himself*

Pete: *loses all health but unfortunately doesn’t die* I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY! AND YOUR LITTLE DUCK AND DOG, TOO! *pisses off*

Sora: …We should also probably leave before this place collapses, from the sound of it. *leads the way out*

Hades: All according to keikaku. *teleports to the entrance to the Underworld where Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules already ran to* Well look who it is! Wonderboy! You are too much!

Sora: ‘Sup.

Hades: Wasn’t talking to you.

Hercules: What do you want.

Hades: To remind you how Hydra actually works. Cut off the head, two grow back, remember? Well, heh, in this case three…Two extra? Yeah, two extra, it still works. But yeah, you very clearly didn’t finish it off and now it’s destroying everything. Conglaturations, you fucked up. *Disapparates*

Sora: …Crap baskets.

Hades’s voice: You guys go enjoy yourselves, I have something else I gotta fuck with.

Hercules: Oh shit. *immediately runs up to the Coliseum*

Meg: Sora, the Coliseum’s in trouble! We’ll do what we can. Just get over to the Coliseum!

Phil: All right, listen up! When facing a large enemy, locate an easy point to attack! I only have two things to say: Stay calm, watch your surroundings, move around a lot, and DOOOODGE!

Goofy: Four things. You still suck at this.

Sora: Still can’t believe Hades sent the Hydra instead of Hera.

Meg: Why would Wonderboy’s own mother send a monster after him?

Sora: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. *goes up to the Coliseum*

Hercules: *has collapsed to his knees*

Sora: *dodges flying rubble on the way up*

Hydra: …Wow, I still have just the one head. Guess all that earlier bullshit was pointless.

Pegasus: *lands next to Phil, Meg, and Hercules*

Phil: YAY YOU’RE STILL ALIVE!

Hercules: But I got the Coliseum destroyed because I didn’t actually make sure to kill the Hydra. There’s a reason they say cut off the head.

Meg: It’s fine.

Hercules: But everyone’s dead because of me!

Meg, Phil, Sora, Donald, Goofy, Pegasus, and the Hydra: THERE’S NO ONE FUCKING HERE.

Hercules: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, HADES! *slams his fists into the ground*

Phil: For fuck’s sake…

Meg: Wonderboy, seriously now…

Sora: Yeah, you gonna help us fight this guy and make things right again or what?

Hercules: Nope, I’m gonna completely give up and lose all my strength. *goes gray like he did in the movie when Hades actually magically took his strength*

Hydra: Great lesson for kids, amirite?

Meg: Oh hey, thanks for waiting patiently while we had that conversation. *drags Hercules’s arm over her shoulder and carries him offscreen*

Donald: Okay, actual boss fight time!

Sora: Works for me, this might actually be fun!

Phil: Not if I’m there to make it as annoying as possible!

Meg: I’ll call out strategies and shit except I totally won’t!

Pegasus: *indicates that he’ll help carry you through certain reaction commands*

Sora: *immediately jumps up and bashes the Hydra a million times in the face until the neck is exposed…well more exposed so he can slice right through it*

Hydra: *goes down but immediately sticks his neck into the ground where three Hydra heads pop up out of the ground*

Phil: HEY SORA! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! PIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! SOMEDAY YOU’LL FIND IT! THE RAINBOW CONNECTION! THE LOVERS, THE DREAMERS, AND ME! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK! GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK!

Sora: Okay, see this giant-ass key I’m holding? It will be going up your ass if you don’t shut up now. *GETS UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK and Phil throws a pot at him which Sora slams down into the Hydra’s back, paralyzing the remaining head that he didn’t already kill while he was ignoring Phil*

Hydra: *pulls back out with seven heads*

Sora: *jumps on Pegasus’s back and slashes at each head individually, pulling off a combo on the nearest head he can reach once he’s back on the ground so he can cut off all seven heads at once* I should really be casting fire on each of the stumps to cauterize the wounds so the heads don’t grow back, but I don’t feel like it.

Phil: WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD SLICING THING—Oh, it worked and he’s actually magically dead this time. Neat.

Sora: Best part about this planet is that I always seem to learn Thunder right around now. *smirks at dead Hydra* I wipe my nose at you!

Hercules: And now I feel even more shitty about not knowing how to defeat a monster that I’ve already killed in the past.

Meg: It’s not your fault; a lack of understanding of the actual movie and how the monsters worked is a failure of the game designer.

Sora: She’s right. Just chillax until the second half of the game.

Goofy: At least you have an excuse: The arena you always fight in is fucking busted.

Hercules: Yeah, because of me…

Meg: *gets up and dusts herself off* Don’t worry about Wonderboy here. I’ll look after him, as is a woman’s duty to a man. At any rate, I owe you for a lot.

Sora: Meh, just find some way to contact us through time and space if Hades or the Heartless start bitching and moaning again.

Donald: That’s what heroes do on this planet, after all!

Meg: Oh yeah? When’d you guys make the upgrade?

Sora: WHEN WE SAVED THE FUCKING UNIVERSE LAST YEAR.

Meg: Fair enough I guess.

Goofy: Need us to get you anything, Hercules?

Hercules: Nah, I’m fine…

Donald: Anything to say, Phil?

Phil: Oh yeah, even though you just took out Hydra, I still don’t think you’re a hero and am now really only around to offer up one of the most impossible to complete mini-games in the entire game.

Sora: Oh good. Now I really want to leave. Except I forgot to give back the rock thing that I’ll probably still be able to access the power of whenever we come back.

Hercules: Apparently I’m too weak to lift my huge muscles anymore, even. *stands up and staggers over to Sora to collect the rock, which lights up right before he can touch it and shoots a light into the sky, prompting Sora to unlock the next Keyhole to space*

Hero’s Crest Keyblade: Yeah, you’re not gonna use me either, are you.

~…And then they just left. Okay, I guess…~

Maleficent: So where are all the other villains, anyway? I know they were all mostly dead by the time I died myself, but Hades is a god, Jafar’s a genie, and Ursula’s somehow still around, they’ve got to want to join me.

Pete: They all kind of have their own thing. I mean Ursula’s stuck with rhythm game bullshit, for fuck’s sake.

Maleficent: …Shit, that’s a fate worse than death right there.

Pete: Also the others might be distracted by this group that’s the main villain group of this game called Organization XIII. We’ve all been upstaged by a bunch of bishounen OCs, really.

Maleficent: Oh. I instantly don’t care.

Pete: Also the runt with the Keyblade. He will never not be fucking things up, apparently.

Maleficent: Still, huh? Fine, fill me in on what happened over the last year, I’m morbidly curious.

Pete: Okay, so I was in Agrabah and Neverland and this little blond kid with the Keyblade runt’s face from the Organization was fucking up all my plans, right…

~I forgot how much I love Days for a second, I don’t give a fuck, I’ll fight anyone, come at me bro.~

Broomsticks: *are somehow not spiraling out of control*

Minnie: *is searching through the library at Disney Castle* The fuck did I put those Tales of Beedle the Bard, I had 275,000 munny stashed in there…

Chip and Dale: *run up to her and salute*

Chip: Something’s wrong in the Hall of the MacGuffin!

Dale: Did someone try to extend the hedges, because it’s full of sharp thorny vines and shit! Also I guess someone turned off the lights so they could grow better.

Minnie: Oh. Well that’s just dandy. *follows them downstairs* …Oh yeah, this isn’t great. *starts praying to a higher power* Oh glorious husband with the man parts, I am but a helpless female who can cast all the light magic I want and yet is powerless to do shit without a man, so get your ass over here so the people will stop blaming me for everything. Maybe if Donald and Goofy can conveniently come back right about now…

~I may not like original Disney bullshit, but I do enjoy the fact that we get to go to the place we were constantly teased with in the first game.~

Sora: *ignores the new planet and goes back to Olympus because he’s only level twenty-six which is bullshit*

Meg: Hercules is fine. He just needs a break. Isn’t that right, Wonderboy?

Hercules: The Coliseum was so beautiful. Just look at it now…Hades was right. I don’t have what it takes to be a hero…

Sora: Oh shut up, you made god before and chose to give it up, that kind of shit doesn’t just change on a dime. *tries the challenge with the pots* Okay, I’ve tried it, now how much does the journal want me to—A THOUSAND ORBS?! I ONLY GOT 217! Fuck this noise, this is the one challenge I didn’t beat on vanilla and I’m willing to bet it’s one of the few challenges I’ll never be able to get the trophy for. *goes to the Underworld to level up a little* …Why is there a skateboard in the Underworld? *gets up to level thirty before leaving in confusion*

~YAY NO BULLSHIT GUMMI MISSION BEFORE DISNEY CASTLE!~

Chapter Text

~Landing in the Gummi ship hangar makes the most sense out of any landing site in the whole series.~

Sora: Neat place. Good to be back? Wanna, um, stay here now that you’re back? Please stay here now that you’re back.

Goofy: I don’t know…It doesn’t really feel like home…

Donald: That might just be because we’ve been away for so long and because we’re not in our own rooms yet. I bet as soon as we fall onto our own beds again everything will be absolutely perfect.

Sora: Okay. We need to talk.

Donald: About what?

Sora: About your fucking name. I can't fucking say it out loud anymore. Even just typing it in the script to indicate that you're talking is making my stomach physically roil.

Donald: Dude, I'm not fucking Voldemort here, you can't be scared of a fucking name. Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself, and while I get that that fear is entirely justified because nukes and misogynistic anti-Semitic white supremacist chiefs of staff and the absoltue monster that is Mike Pence—

Sora: I'm not scared, I'm disgusted, there's a big difference.

Donald: What, am I going to be excluded from every party now?

Sora: Nah, you're actually useful this time around and your AI's marginally better. I'm not abandoning you, I just don't want to say your fucking name right now. Maybe in a few chapter's once the shock's worn off and the horror's been normalized, as horrific as that sounds.

Donald: ...Okay, what're you gonna call me in the meantime?

Sora: ...Iunno, how 'bout Duck? People call each other by their last names all the time, right?

Donald: ...Just Duck sounds kind of lame, though.

Goofy: Duck-man?

Duck-man: Duck-man could work, I'd be happy with that.

Sora: Duckmin.

Duckmin: Duckmin, perfect! *laughs*

Chip: *comes running into the hangar with Dale and sprints up to them* About fucking time you three showed up!

Sora: Hey, I think this is the first time I met you two in person—

Chip and Dale: THE CASTLE IS EXPLODING!

Sora: Oh sure, fine, don’t say hi.

Dale: But no really, get a fucking move on.

Chip: Queen Minnie wants to talk to you like right the fuck now!

Dale: You! Library! Go! Now!

Chip: Oh no! Oh no! The castle’s in danger! You must go see Her Majesty at once! She’s in the library!

Sora: …Didn’t you already say that?

Dale: This is the Gummi Ship hanger. Normally it’s a madhouse here. If you follow the lawn from here, you’ll arrive at the castle entrance.

Sora: Cool. *exits the hanger* …Why is your garage or whatever in one of your hedges?

Goofy: Well why the fuck not? A-hyuk!

Sora: How much does Mickey pay his gardeners?

Duckmin: Nothing? They're slaves!

Goofy: He pays them by letting them live!

Sora: ...Well his architect needs work 'cause he just built everything at a weird angle.

Disney Castle Title Card: No I think it's kind of an astounding accomplishment to have it still stand after that.

Sora: And now constantly respawning Shadows. Ah well, at least I’ll get some EXP out of this…The Shadows are basically giant ants. Can’t believe it took me this long to notice that. *fights his way to the library* …If I talk to Minnie I advance the plot, so time to look around instead. Wow, nice pictures of Mickey’s ancestors that he’s clearly just a clone of.

Broomstick servant: *appears too busy cleaning to speak with you*

One bookshelf: Disney Castle is protected by magical power.

Different bookshelf: Sitting on his throne, the King guards the locked chamber.

Sora: What, the Chamber of Secrets? And way to straight-up announce that the locked chamber is directly under the King’s throne, that’ll throw off the scent. *shakes head sadly*

Still another bookshelf: If the holy light is lost, the castle will be swallowed in darkness.

Sora: Seems like a pretty fragile system when you put it that way. *finally talks to Minnie by standing in front of her*

Duckmin: *salutes* YO, QUEEN BITCH-FACE!

Minnie: *turns around to address the people behind her* ‘Bout time you losers showed up!

Goofy: *also salutes* Did you try to summon us or something, ‘cause Merlin actually forced the ship to come to Hollow Bastion while this time we were free to dick around however we wanted before noticing this planet was available to travel to.

Minnie: My Summoning Charm’s not as good yet, I admit.

Sora: Hey, another woman, that’s nice. So where’s the king? I need a male authority figure I can listen to, this chick ain’t cutting it for me.

Minnie: Most people think that the spleen isn’t necessary and like to have people injure or lose it because the name sounds funny. Shall we test to see what happens if you do take it out?

Sora: Your immune system wouldn’t be able to filter blood for viruses, obviously, who would even do that?

Minnie: Overrated book authors, but that’s not important right now.

Duckmin: *forces Sora to bow* So this is the human we’re around a lot.

Minnie: So you’re Sora. The King talked about stalking you all the time in his letters, and the rest of it is hearsay from some other guy. He said you’re a very brave young man, though he neglected to mention the misogyny.

Goofy: Seriously, Sora, why do you suddenly hate women so much aside from Mulan who we all know is flawless and can do no wrong.

Sora: Why wouldn’t I hate women? I mean they hate me!

Goofy: What?

Sora: Yeah, that Marluxia chick was always saying how much she despised me!

Duckmin: Uh, Sora, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Marluxia was a guy.

Sora: What?! That’s crazy!

Duckmin: We know.

Sora: But look at the way she feathered her pink hair!

Goofy: Totally a guy.

Sora: That’s crazy. What about Demyx? Saïx? Zexion? Xemnas? Aren’t those girls—

Duckmin: All of those people are guys.

Sora: That’s crazy! What about Larxene? Guy or girl?

Goofy: She’s a girl.

Sora: Oh. That’s crazy. Anyway, I should probably get back to this conversation. But that’s crazy.

Minnie: I hope you didn’t think the King would actually return home, since he ain’t here.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: Gor-fucking-ram it.

Duckmin: So what are Heartless doing here aside from the part where they’re always fucking everywhere on every planet?

Minnie: So those are the Heartless. I didn’t get that when I realized that we were up against beings of pure darkness that were made from the darkness in people’s hearts.

Sora: …Oh yeah, the kingdom’s in great hands. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of ‘em. We can’t expect a woman to do anything useful. After all, if there's anything that this election has told us, it's that an exceptionally qualified woman will always lose out to a man no matter his qualifications or lack thereof!

Minnie: I’m going to break every bone in your body, Sora! *smiles cheerfully* But first I wanna show you guys a thing. Escort me to the audience chamber, if you would, a delicate little flower like me can’t possibly be trusted to walk down the hallway by herself!

Sora: See, this shit here’s exactly what I’m talking about.

Minnie: …And I just realized that aside from Chip, Dale, and that broomstick over there, I didn’t warn anyone else in the castle what’s been happening.

Sora: Like there are even other people here, there never is on any other planet!

Duckmin: Daisy and Max might be here.

Goofy: Along with other people in areas that you’ll just never be able to go to for some reason.

Sora: But I want to check out this new planet of newness!

Duckmin: Tough. We know our way around anyway, we’ll be in and out in a flash, and yet Daisy won’t know I’m even here until the end of the level and we still won’t ever see Max on screen at all ever.

Sora:Fine, I’ll stay with Minnie then I guess…

Duckmin: Better you than us.

Goofy: Yeah, there’s actually a reason other than the mission why we chose to stick with you for so long… *leaves with Duckmin*

Sora: So…Giant pink locked doors we passed earlier that clearly aren't based on Mickey desperately compensating for anything?

Minnie: Yep! Oh, those two…I just wanna hug them and squeeze them and squeeze them and squeeze them and—

Sora: OKAY, let’s move along.

Minnie: The audience chamber is through the large door in the hallway. Now hurry, Sora!

Sora: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. *goes outside and kind of just leaves Minnie behind while he deals with all the Shadows in the hallway before calling Minnie over to open the door* Wait, why do I even need you for this, my Keyblade can open any lock.

Minnie: Yeah but I used an Imperturbable Charm on the door.

Sora: Ah. *goes through the tiny door in the big door and discovers that both he and Minnie are immune when Faith is cast, so he just sticks by Minnie, waits for the Heartless to come to him, and attacks them all together with Minnie until all of them are the dead*

Minnie: …We probably could’ve just ran by them and avoided both getting hurt and fighting at all.

Sora: You have no idea how much I need the EXP on Critical.

Minnie: Fine, whatever. *follows Sora to the actual throne chair thing itself*

Sora: *sees more Heartless suddenly appear behind them* Oh come on, we just killed them all! Stupid cutscene…

Minnie: *hits a button under one of the arms of the chair, making the entire dais it’s on move aside*

Giant burst of light from underground: *destroys the Heartless that were already destroyed*

Sora: …Oh. Well that’s just dandy.

Minnie: The room below is called the Hall of the MacGuffin. Our planet has always been magically safe from everything except a bunch of monsters different from the Heartless that appeared eleven years ago but they still followed the rules except in a couple of areas so no one really cared thanks to the MacGuffin of Light which we keep stored in what is currently a dark and gloomy basement.

Sora: …This isn’t gonna be another rock thing from Olympus, is it?

Minnie: Oh no, this is much less obviously useful.

Sora: Ma’am, are you aware that you’re spouting complete bullshit!

Minnie: Go. Eat. A boat. *goes down the stairs with Sora on her heels*

Duckmin and Goofy: We’re done with whatever we were doing and have now caught up…Did you redecorate? Not sure we like the thorned look…

Minnie: So yeah, this giant glowing green marble that might be taller than you, Sora, is our cherished MacGuffin. But these ugly thorns…They’re ugly and pointy and gross so obviously someone evil must have conjured them, because only pretty flowers are used by good people.

Sora: …You could do with a Herbology class, methinks.

Minnie: Shut up, only villainous people use magic that involves plants. Just look at the likes of Treebeard or Neville Longbottom! The fiends! Also I’m trying to run down the Disney villain roster to figure out who—Oh, right, should’ve guessed.

Maleficent: *had just appeared as a hologram within a burst of green flame*

Duckmin: …I didn’t think Floo Powder worked without a fireplace, but okay…

Sora: That’s just how she Apparates. Heh heh, geddit? Operate? Apparate? Do ya geddit?

Maleficent: That was exceedingly painful, actually. Also all of you suck.

Duckmin: THAT HURTED MY FEELINGSES! *runs directly at something that is clearly transparent and obviously doesn’t land a hit*

Sora: …Duckmin, stop proving her right.

Maleficent: Yeeeeaaaahhh, I’ll attack you guys at a later point maybe.

Minnie: Dude, we won’t even get to fight you this game, why are you even here.

Maleficent: …You seriously haven’t changed your outfit in eleven years, have you. I have an excuse, this is the only outfit I have, you’re a fucking queen with infinite resources. Resources that I want for my own. Which is why I came here. To answer your question. But it’s a bit too bright. All this whiteness just makes my eyes hurt. I mean, what kind of place are you trying to run here, a freaking hospital? Some dark colors in a few of the rooms would be a nice change of pace. Hence why I’m blocking out the light with my thorns, it’s really to prevent headaches on my part. *tries to poke the MacGuffin* OW MY FLESH.

Minnie: Exactly, you should probably just piss off now.

Maleficent: *scoffs* I’m being threatened by a mouse in a pink dress. I’m quaking in my boots.

Minnie: I WILL EVISCERATE YOU AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD WITH YOUR EMPTY SKULL.

Sora: She’ll do it, I’ve seen her.

Maleficent: I’m sure she will. *disappears in more green flames while cackling maniacally*

Sora: That laugh sounded like it hurt.

Minnie: I don’t know how to get rid of plants like this. We don’t have a single book on botany in the entire castle.

Goofy: …Maybe we could get Merlin to use a huge Vanishing Charm?

Duckmin: I was gonna try Fire magic, but that seems more practical.

Minnie: Indeed, do the thing.

Goofy: Back to Hollow Bastion we go, it looks like.

Sora: Sure, why the fuck not.

Minnie: I’m sure Merlin will help. Please, go to Hollow Bastion and tell him about the castle.

Sora: …We’re going, we’re doing it right now. *heads back to the Gummi Ship hangar to fill in Chip and Dale*

Dale: We’re going to see Merlin, right?

Sora: We are, yes.

Dale: The Gummi Ship’s ready to fly. Let’s get over to Hollow Bastion!

Sora: YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND YOU KNOW IT.

Chip: With the Hall of the MacGuffin like that, this is a major crisis! If only the King were here, considering after ten years we still have absolutely no faith in the Queen whatsoever; she’s only a woman after all. Still, I feel better with you men here.

Sora: See? I’m not the only fucking one! *leaves the planet and heads back to Hollow Bastion* Well isn’t it convenient that the only save point available on this planet is in Merlin’s house.

Duckmin: YO, MERLIN!

Goofy: A castle somewhere in the universe that I’m not going to fully describe to you is in danger!

Merlin: *Apparates in behind them* Which castle, the one on this planet, Beast’s Castle, The Castle That Never Was, we got a lot of castles in this franchise, dude. Oh, way to learn a bunch of spells that I never taught you.

Sora: Yeah, but what’s with this Reflect shit I’m about to get that I’m never gonna use—

Duckmin: That doesn’t matter, we’re talking about Disney Castle and how Maleficent’s trying to fuck it all up for everyone.

Merlin: …Well that’s not great.

Goofy: She brought Heartless and everything, those constantly respawning Shadows are really annoying.

Merlin: I’ll bet.

Duckmin: *dissolves into indecipherable quacking*

Sora: …What the fuck did you just say.

Minnie: …Wait, why did the screen just fade to black and why can I hear Duckmin’s incomprehensible voice—Oh, subtitles, that’s much better.

Duckmin: There’s Heartless in every part of the castle except for the Gummi Ship hangar and of course the Hall of the MacGuffin itself. Oh and the library, forgot about that.

Merlin: There, I just Side-Along Apparated all four of us to the Hall of the MacGuffin, that’ll make everything easier.

Sora: ...Did we just leave our Gummi Ship at Hollow Bastion?

Merlin: Oh shut up it's fine. *looks up at the MacGuffin* So this is the ultimately pointless object that we have to protect for bullshit reasons.

Minnie: Can you get rid of the vines?

Merlin: Not on my own. Mainly because I don’t feel like it. We’ll get those three morons over there to do our dirty work for us.

Minnie: You, sir, are a man after my own heart.

Merlin: Hockety pockety wockety wack! *makes a silver door appear*

Sora: I hate that I have to ask what that is.

Merlin: It’s a gateway to what is actually a really interesting world if you have any interest in the history of animation.

Sora: I am, actually.

Merlin: Someone in that world is fucking everything up for this world. Going through this world and figuring it out is the only way to fix what’s going on in this castle because my Vanishing Charm isn’t quite what it used to be.

Duckmin: Well, aren’t you a big pile of semen, then.

Merlin: *giggles* I am.

Duckmin: Yeah.

Goofy: Ah well, new dimension to fuck around in, we got that going for us.

Sora: Yeah, let’s just get this over with so we can move on to cool movies again.

Merlin: Hold up, don’t go just yet, I need to deliver more exposition. There’s another door in that world that’s basically the same as this one. Don’t question how I know this, let’s just go with magic leaving traces or some similar bullshit. The enemy who I probably also know who it is is using this door to move around. Close it and you’ll fuck up his plans and the thorns will automatically disappear or something maybe Iunno.

Sora: Sounds pretty easy, actually.

Duckmin: No kidding, we’ll be able to move onto the next actual new planet that’s entirely new with no previous characters or knowledge of anything soon enough.

Merlin: One more thing—

Goofy: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Merlin: I should probably just flat-out tell you that you’re about to time travel, but I don’t really feel like it. Awful things happen to those who meddle with time but I know you won’t be able to help not being seen so just don’t fuck up anything too much, m’kay?

Sora: You’re making this out to be a huge deal but it’s not gonna amount to anything and you probably know that.

Merlin: Just do my dirty work for me and nobody gets hurt.

Sora: Fine, fine, let’s get this admittedly interesting level over with…

Minnie: I knew Merlin would help! Still, our problem’s not solved. Sora, I’m counting on you to be a big strong man so I can continue to stand here and look pretty!

Merlin: There should be a door identical to this one in that world. By opening another door, there is no possible way that our enemies will have more than one means of travel, this time directly into the castle where they’ll be able to wreak untold havoc. But don’t worry about that and just do what I tell you. You must use your power to close it and not this one! Leave this one open to travel through whenever you want, thereby possibly allowing others to make it through as well except that won’t happen but it might happen you know what don’t worry about it.

Sora: Why did we even come to you for help. *checks up on Chip and Dale again*

Chip: Wow, Merlin can even create doors to other worlds! Please hurry to the Hall of the MacGuffin and fix the castle!

Dale: Wow, anther world…I’d kind of like to go, too.

Sora: THEN JUST GO, YOU LITERALLY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY. *goes back and pulls the door open with his…shockingly thin arms considering he’s done nothing but swordfight for the past year or more. Still has muscle atrophy from the coma, maybe?* …This one of those things where we can’t see shit until after we’ve gone through? Also is there some kind of tunnel we can’t see, because the door in Timeless River is still shut at this moment even though I opened the door on my end.

Door: *spits out Sora and Goofy, looking way different than they usually look*

Goofy: *looks like he did back when he was named Dippy Dog back in Mickey’s Revue in 1932* Hey look, there’s the MacGuffin of Light, just sitting out in the open where anyone can fuck with it!

Sora: …Why do I feel adorable and why is everything black and white?

Goofy: Really? I don’t see nothin’ different.

Duckmin: *looks how he did in The Wise Little Hen back in 1934…except that short was in color but forget about that right now* …Why do we look like we do in our first appearances?

Goofy: Well I’m not wearing glasses, so there’s that. Anyway, you ever get a sense of déjà vu?

Duckmin: …Oh I get it.

Sora: I don’t get it.

Pete: I don’t know if I should be missing a leg or not, but since this is mostly based on Steamboat Willie I’m gonna go with not, I had my leg then. *sees Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy* Hey, you three! See any bad guys going past here?

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *point to him*

Pete: Hey, I may be largely antagonistic but I ain’t really evil, at least at the moment! And I’d fight ya, but I have more important things to do. This isn’t me wimping out, this is me actually having more important things to do. *runs toward the pier*

Sora: Well at least we know who to violently murder…Um, is the sound quality a little lacking in this dimension in order to go with the theme, did they fuck up on the sound mixing, or is there too much wax buildup in my ears again?

Goofy: Probably the first one.

Duckmin: You should get the last one looked at, though.

Sora: Probably. *looks around and sees Clarabelle Cow only wearing a cowbell and a skirt* Ack! That woman isn’t wearing a shirt!

Clarabelle Cow: Of course not, my teats are on my lower half, why would I have humanoid breasts?

Sora: I — Hmm…

Clarabelle Cow: You can often find Pete at the pier up ahead. If he’s not there, he’s probably out on his boat. That’s his pride and joy!

Clara Cluck: This is where “Disney Castle” is gonna be built. It’s nothing but an empty field now, but I bet it’s gonna be a huge castle!

Sora: …You two never worry about your names getting confused?

Clara and Clarabelle: Eh.

Duckmin: I don’t know what world this is, despite that obvious hint that we went back in time, and I don’t know why we’re not saying hi to all our friends who we clearly know especially since Horace was around eleven years ago — wonder where he is right now, by the way — but we can’t let Pete get away! Still, it’s kind of strange with the MacGuffin of Light and all…

Goofy: That was Pete, wasn’t it? Is it just me, or did he somehow seem different?

Sora: Why is the game insisting that I go directly to the pier, this world isn’t that fucking big!

Clara Cluck: True, it is a small world after—

Sora: *summons Keyblade and points it at her* Finish that sentence. Go ahead. Make my day. *goes to the Pier and runs up to Pete*

Pete: Seriously, why are you three following me around.

Sora: To beat you up.

Pete: I’ll beat you up! *hears his steam boat whistle* Actually, no I won’t, I literally actually have more important things to attend to once again.

Sora: Yeah no. *blocks his way along with Duckmin and Goofy and quickly beats him up*

Pete: What was that for, I was trying to run away! *stares at them* I’m from 1928 so I haven’t met you two yet, and I have no idea who the fuck you are. Why would you just randomly beat up a stranger like that?!

Sora: Quit fucking joking around!

Boat: *whistles again*

Pete: I’d go after it but I appear to have been beaten to shit.

Goofy: …I think we just beat up an innocent bystander. I don’t even think this guy’s Peg-Leg Pete much less our Pete.

Pete: The peg-leg really seems to come and go, doesn’t it. But I have both legs now so you can fuck off the edge of my dick! I’ve gotta find the dickweed that stole my boat! And somehow I don’t think it was Mickey…

Goofy: …We fucked up. We fucked up. We fucked up.

Sora: No kidding, there aren’t even any Heartless on this world yet, and you know he would’ve summoned Heartless to fight for him rather than fight us himself.

Goofy: Cap’n Pete? We fucked up, we’re sorry, we attacked the wrong guy.

Pete: If you were really sorry, you’d interfere in the affairs of other worlds and go find my steamboat for me instead of whatever it was you were doing!

Timeless River title card: No, seriously, a lot of these cartoons are still timeless in that they still hold up surprisingly well even today. Walt knew what he was doing in a lot of ways.

Sora: Thought Pete was always the de-facto bad guy.

Duckmin: Sometimes, but other times he was just in positions of power and you didn’t like him much, that didn’t necessarily make him evil.

Goofy: So, steamboat or door thing?

Sora: Steamboat.

Duckmin: No, door thing!

Sora: It does move the plot forward, so okay. Um…What’s this floating window with a curtain on it suddenly just hovering above the ground?

Duckmin: I’m gonna yank on this pull-thing and see what happens.

Goofy: Heh, watch it explode — Oh, it just made the curtain move, that’s convenient.

Four other similar windows with drawings on the frames: *are suddenly shown surrounding the MacGuffin of Light, and different Heartless/balls of fire are shown going into them before they close and fade from existence*

Door: *spits out Sora and Goofy, looking way different than they usually look*

Goofy: *looks like he did back when he was named Dippy Dog back in Mickey’s Revue in 1932* Hey look, there’s the MacGuffin of Light, just sitting out in the open where anyone can fuck with it!

Sora: …Why do I feel adorable and why is everything black and white?

Goofy: Really? I don’t see nothin’ different.

Duckmin: *looks how he did in The Wise Little Hen back in 1934…except that short was in color but forget about that right now* …Why do we look like we do in our first appearances?

Goofy: Well I’m not wearing glasses, so there’s that. Anyway, you ever get a sense of déjà vu?

Duckmin: …Oh I get it.

Sora: I don’t get it.

Present Sora: …I just got that we were looking at a flashback when it cut back to us using text boxes.

Goofy: So there are Heartless in this world.

Duckmin: Looks like we’ll have to kill shit either way anyway.

Sora: But why are these convenient windows offering helpful flashbacks?

Goofy: …You wanna push this dumb nonsense word salad further?

Duckmin: I don’t know, but I can’t replay this shit.

Sora: Well at least the other windows have magically reappeared again so we can go fight Heartless to our heart’s content. Yep. Everyone’s gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.

Goofy: Then what? Steamboat or door?

Sora: Whichever comes first at this point.

Clara Cluck: What’s this? It looks like a window, but it’s got a strange mark written on it…I’d like to take a peek, but it’s kinda creepy.

Duckmin: There’s a town through that window. What kind of gimmick is this? Heh, I love how I’m flat-out pointing out how it’s a fucking gimmick. Like that cannon in the middle of the town. If the enemy comes, we could blast them with that!

Goofy: You can see a construction site through that window. It sure is strange. It looks pretty unstable, too. If that rope breaks, it’s gonna fall!

Clarabelle Cow: Oh no! There’s a fire through that window! We have to put it out! How do we do that, though? Should we just throw water at the window?

Horace Horsecollar: *is only wearing a horse collar* There’s a room through that window, but that isn’t all. The furniture’s being sucked away. At this rate, it’ll soon be an empty room.

Sora: What happened to this guy’s clothes?

Yami: WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS LEVEL A FUCKING NUDIST?!

Goofy: Sora. We’re animals. We don’t really have to wear clothes, a lot of us just like to in order to separate gender.

Sora: Oh, okay then. Hey, we should check on the other areas. *goes back to the pier*

Pete: Oh, my achin’ head…Why did you gang up on me like that? If you feel bad about it, then burry up and catch the guy who stole my boat!

Sora: Well at least we can go around the entire planet this time. *goes through one of the windows*

~This is taking longer than I thought it would.~

Chapter Text

~I just watched so many old-school Disney shorts to prepare for this section. The animation still holds up but a lot of the subject matter made me more uncomfortable than I was expecting.~

Sora: Hey, a construction site. Wonder what they’re building.

Duckmin: I’d say a building.

Goofy: Still with that?

Sora: Nazis aren't even funny anymore, man.

Goofy: Good point. *sees a new breed of Heartless* …Yep, they’re out of ideas. It’s hard to take this place seriously when sentient hammers are the obstacles.

Hammer Frame: *tries attacking Sora*

Mickey: *swings down on a rope and bashes the Hammer Frame before swinging up to the scaffolding and waving*

Duckmin: King Mickey!

Goofy: Is he our King, though, or is he just another guy from the past.

Sora: *sees more Hammer Frames on the next level* Yay, more fighting dudes. This…This never gets old… *looks up at Mickey* You really saved the day by pointing out the Heartless up above us and distracting us from the one that’s down here already and by all rights should be attacking us right now.

Hammer Frames: *drop down to their level and start pounding on the floor*

Sora: …Should probably stop them. *kills them all before the flooring is completely destroyed* Well that was a fantastically-framed battle of wits.

Mickey: *runs up, shakes Sora’s hand, waves at them all, and runs off again*

Goofy: Another window’s over there.

Duckmin: Why am I the only one activating these?

Sora: You kind of permanently volunteered when you activated the last one.

Duckmin: That’s fair, I guess. *pulls back the curtain*

Maleficent: You useless watermelon. I can’t believe you fucked up every single minute task I gave you. Why did I even save you in the first place and why didn’t I at least put you in charge of something simple that you could actually handle. And what was all this about taking over while I was away?

Pete: YOU WERE DEAD. And it was all in your name anyway—

Maleficent: I don’t care, you’re still fired. Consider yourself lucky that I don’t just flat-out kill you for some reason. Fucking dildo shithead…

Pete: Yeah, well, you’re a meany stinky doo-doo face!

Sora: …So why are we seeing Pete’s memories now, are these windows actually Penseives, or…?

Goofy: Wow, he managed to piss off Maleficent with his utter incompetence. What a surprise. I think I might have a heart attack and die from not surprise.

Duckmin: I don’t get it.

Sora: Let’s just try to clear out the Heartless first, we’ll try to sort this out logically later I guess.

Goofy: It seems like we can see events in the near past after we solve the problems in the windows. Let’s go fix all the problems in the windows and see what else we can learn.

Duckmin: I want to catch up with Captain Pete’s boat, too, but the Heartless come first.

Clarabelle Cow, Clara Cluck, and Horace Horsecollar: We’re all saying exactly the same thing as before. YAY NPC DIALOGUE!

Sora: *goes into the next window* Aww, the town’s so tiny!

Goofy: Or maybe we got bigger?

Duckmin: No, this is a tiny town.

Sora: With a tiny cannon tower thing with cannons in it. Ah shit, please don’t be a tower defense battle, I suck at those.

Mickey: *jumping up and down and pointing*

Sora: He’s trying to get our attention and indicating which direction we should look in. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TRYING TO TELL US.

Aeroplanes: Well you’re a dumbass. *start bombing the town*

Sora: Ah shit. *jump on the cannon tower to stun the Heartless so he can kill them all without blowing up the town* Cool, halfway done.

Mickey: *runs up, shakes Sora’s hand, waves, then leaves again*

Sora: I can never read that guy.

Goofy: Who cares, new window thing.

Duckmin: *activates it*

Pete: *still has first person vision in Hollow Bastion* That hurted my feelingses! *sniffs* I’m not completely incompetent! I don’t ruin things for everyone, just most people! Man, I miss the early Disney cartoons when I actually had a chance at winning or at least posed a credible threat once in a while. Damn I wish I could go back in time.

Eric Idle dressed up as a fairy: And so you shall! *taps him on the head with a wand*

Walls: *glow*

Door: *appears*

Pete: …It can’t possibly have been that fucking easy. *opens the door* STEAMBOAT WILLIE?! I LOVE THAT SHORT!

Sora: Why are we so flabbergasted by that door.

Duckmin: Yeah, its use should be fairly fucking obvious.

Goofy: Why do I think Merlin’s responsible just because the doors look the same.

Sora: Nah, it’s a different one. It still probably opens onto this dimension, though.

Goofy: Sure, we have no reason to think otherwise even though we have every reason to think otherwise.

Sora: But first, more window things! *goes into the next one*

Building: *is on fire*

Sora: We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since the world’s been turning.

Duckmin: Oh fuck you. You wouldn't make fun of somebody on fire.

Goofy: You would!

Duckmin: Yeah I would. People on fire are chumps.

Mickey: For some reason you literally have to fight these fireballs now.

Duckmin: You should pay attention to whether or not you’re on fire.

Sora: Do these count as pureblood Heartless or just sentient fireballs. Also why do we have to fight the fire while also fighting Heartless—FUCK YOU HOT RODS I FORGOT HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU let’s just ignore that death and move on. *eventually defeats them and the fire*

Building: *is magically not on fire anymore*

Sora: That’s not how that works but okay.

Mickey: *once again runs up, shakes Sora’s hand, waves, then fucks off. He hasn’t said a single word the entire time we’ve been here, and I know he used to talk in some of the shorts so what gives*

Goofy: Window’s up.

Duckmin: Yay another thing for me to do the thing. *does the thing*

Maleficent: …So if you just want it badly enough, you’ll be able to magically alter the past? Sure, why not, that definitely explains why none of the characters from BBS or Days have been able to alter their pasts even though they desperately wanted to as well, to say nothing of how badly Riku’s been regretting his actions lately.

Pete: Well clearly I just wanted it more badly than the rest of them put together.

Maleficent: I suddenly don’t care how it was created, you fool! Why should I want multiple ways to manipulate the timeline to my will? All I want to know is how we can use this one to our advantage; one weapon is always sufficient at winning wars, after all. Now you shut the fuck up this instant and help me fuck over time and space for all eternity.

Pete: No kidding, the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that’s a worst-case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

Maleficent: Not necessarily. People think that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbley-wobbley…timey-wimey…stuff.

Pete: …Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

Maleficent: I see the MacGuffin of Light over there! You didn’t tell me you used to live near it back when it was completely unprotected!

Pete: Well it never really came up in day-to-day life, so…

Maleficent: Doesn’t matter. I have a cunning plan…

Duckmin: Well this can only end well.

Sora: If only she’d come through instead, the only challenging thing in this dimension is the Hot Rod Heartless.

Goofy: We’re only just now coming to the conclusion that we’ve time traveled.

Duckmin: Yeah, I really hate how slow we are sometimes.

Sora: As long as Goofy isn’t constantly the smart one again—

Goofy: GUYS WE FUCKING TIME TRAVELED.

Sora: And crap baskets.

Duckmin: Let’s kill Hitler!

Goofy: And pave the way for a much more intelligent officer to take the actually extremely incompetent buffoon’s place? I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

Duckmin: No, like, before he wrote Mein Kampf or even en utero or something.

Goofy: That…Hmm…

Sora: Well unfortunately we’re stuck in a world where Duckmin will temporarily become a Nazi in 1943, so…

Duckmin: THAT WAS A SUBVERSION!

Sora: Sure it was. So, back to the plot…

Goofy: MY BRAIN HURTS!

Sora: *tries to look under Goofy’s waistcoat*

Goofy: NO, MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD!

Duckmin: Let’s just hurry up and finish the last window thing already.

Clarabelle Cow: You can get to the pier, the wharf, or the waterway from this hill. This place is great for walks. No matter where you go, there you are.

Sora: …Riiight… *goes into the last window*

Last room: *is in Mickey’s house where there’s conveniently a black hole sucking up all the furniture*

Mickey: *is running around the room in a panic, planning to nail down the furniture if this ever stops*

Sora: Come on, guys, let’s kill Heartless and ignore the black hole completely! *defeats all the Heartless while ignoring the black hole completely*

Mickey: *shakes Sora’s hand one final time, waves, and runs out of his own fucking house*

Sora: Well at least that black hole is conveniently gone.

Goofy: I seem confused by the appearance of another flashback window even though that’s all we’ve dealt with this entire game.

Duckmin: Hope this is the last one. *activates it*

Maleficent: So this was before Disney Castle got built and when they didn’t set a guard around the MacGuffin for some reason.

Pete: I lived on that planet for years and I never knew about the MacGuffin of Light. Wonder why they kept it from me.

Maleficent: It sure is a mystery. But we can’t take over that planet without tampering with it in some way. So try to destroy it completely or something.

Pete: Steal it and fuck off with it, got it.

Maleficent: …Eh, close enough. *leaves*

Pete: …Why is this no longer my point of view? Ah who cares, maybe I’ll blow up the MacGuffin, but first I want to dick around with my old boat, I miss that thing. And that wasn’t even my first appearance, I used to be a bear, people always forget that shit. *goes through the door*

Sora: So we were right about the villain being Pete, anyway.

Duckmin: And he must have changed outfits when he came back, just like we did!

Goofy: Somehow I doubt that in this case for some reason.

Sora: It’s true, the Pete we beat up earlier was a dick, but he wasn’t an asshole.

Duckmin: Look! Our Pete!

Present Pete: I somehow rolled the MacGuffin over to the Waterway without anyone noticing! Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! *runs off*

Goofy: Yep. He sure did steal that giant glowing marble that was taller than Sora out from under everyone’s noses.

Duckmin: …But how does that affect what’s happening in the castle right now? The MacGuffin’s not stolen or destroyed, it’s still there but just with vines around it. Now in the manga it made sense, Pete just planted some evil seeds around it that for some reason went unnoticed and unchecked for the next eighty or so years, and we got rid of those seeds causing the castle to go back to normal. There is absolutely no reason for the vines to be in the castle now apart from freaking people out.

Goofy: Stop pointing out shit, we gotta save our home planet and fast!

Past Pete: Fucking hate cramps… *lumbers past them*

Sora: I somehow think you’re the bad guy now!

Past Pete: Nah, man, I gotta catch the douchebag who stole my boat!

Duckmin: Well technically I’m right when I say that you did it.

Past Pete: A guy called You? Or maybe Yu? An actual letter U? Eh, who cares, there’s always a select amount of people on the planet who will turn out to look a lot like someone else, and I’ve found mine!

Sora: They wear completely different outfits, have different facial features, and have different personalities to boot. I’M SO CONFUSED AS TO WHICH ONE IS WHICH.

Goofy: …It’s times like these I’m ashamed to know you.

Clarabelle Cow: Whoa, what’s the hurry? You’re looking a little worn out. If you don’t take time to rest now and then, you may wind up in trouble.

Horace Horsecollar: Huh? I just saw Pete go by, and then he went by all over again! What’s going on here?! Are we in some kind of cartoon or something?!

Sora:

Clara Cluck: I’m tired of looking at this strange window that defies all laws of physics and could bring a shitton of fame and fortune to this area when scientists come to figure out what the fuck’s going on. Maybe I should find something more interesting to do. Say, I saw Pete running toward the waterway. Is something happening down there?

Sora: Probably. *takes the long way for more EXP because he’s like that*

Past Pete: Why do you have to steal both the boat and the MacGuffin, though, why don’t you just destroy the MacGuffin where it already was and then steal the boat when it’s not weighed down?

Present Pete: Because fuck you.

Past Pete: Fuck me? Fuck you!

Present Pete: You have no idea how true that is. Shoryuken! *punches Past Pete into the air*

Duckmin: He’s got the MacGuffin locked in a cage as if he thinks it’s gonna escape on its own!

Sora: If only we could somehow catch up with him by remembering that we do in fact know how to fucking swim!

Present Pete: So long, bitches! *starts the boat somehow without Mickey steering it and sails it to the other side of the river*

Sora: …You’re not gonna take the MacGuffin and leave?

Present Pete: Why would I do that when I can just summon trash out of thin air to throw at your face?

Sora: This trash that I’m knocking back into you and causing you damage, forcing your boat to come back to us so I can grab the hook and endlessly smash the cage to free the MacGuffin?

Present Pete: YES, THAT TRA…Oh.

Sora: …Now that the cage is broken, the MacGuffin looks like it’s gonna roll off that raft thing it’s on at any moment.

Present Pete: *treading water by this point* Nah, it’s fine—OW! *gets hit in the head by a corner of the raft*

Duckmin: HA! A guy who’s in the water got a head injury that sent him under the surface! That’s…actually really worrying.

Present Pete: Don’t, I’m fine. *clambers back onto shore*

Duckmin: I AM NOW FLABBERGASTED THAT THE THING WE WERE FIGHTING TO RE-OBTAIN WAS THE MACGUFFIN ALL ALONG.

Lanipator: ...Yeah. Did you not know that? Did you not realize that thing through those wooden planks was the MacGuffin?

Present Pete: I could destroy it now, or I could run away like a huge pussy. Hmm…WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~! *runs off*

Duckmin: Dudes, we gotta save this thing. You know, that thing we came to protect? I'm willing to state with no certainty that Maleficent might be waiting to pick that up. I would feel very apprehensive to leave.

Sora: Meh, the MacGuffin's fine where it is, unprotected and liable to fall into the river at any moment. We gotta beat up a huge evil cat now!

Goofy: You mean every cat ever?

Duckmin: Hah, zing. *follows the other two to the wharf where both Petes are duking it out*

Present Pete: Apparently I’m the stronger one. *punches Past Pete so hard he falls on his ass*

Past Pete:Ow?!

Present Pete: Well that was fun, let’s do it again.

Sora: How ‘bout fighting us instead?

Past Pete: Nah, man, I wanna help! *helps*

Present Pete: I don’t know how I’m dragging us to different window locations but I am, now fight me as you’re getting sucked into a black hole and other shenanigans are happening around you.

Sora: Sure thing. *beats his ass* …I don’t remember a Reflect element in the vanilla version…

Past Pete: Kablams!

Present Pete: Apparently I can just summon the door at will. Which makes some sense since I created it, but still. *summons the door in the sky so it crashes through the ground*

Duckmin: Now that I look at it, the outline of this door is a little different from our door.

Past Pete: Well at least he’s leaving now. *watches Present Pete flee without questioning anything about the door or what’s been going on*

Duckmin: Sora, do the thing!

Sora: I know, I’m already doing it! Colloportus!

Door: *locks itself and dissolves into light*

Sora: Boy is it a good thing Pete never found the other door that leads directly to the castle! Now let’s close this one so we have only one doorway that leads to a Heartless infested castle, it’s not like Pete could figure out how to open another door that leads here or anything. -_-

Past Pete: …What the fuck just happened and who even was that guy.

Sora: How do you not remember any of this later on, I know it’s been eighty-odd years but seriously.

Goofy: *quickly covers Sora’s mouth* Spoilers, Sora!

Past Pete: Oh, I hate spoilers, I’ll lay off immediately. Now I know you guys beat me up for no reason, but I still feel like I should apologize since that was my steamboat and therefore my responsibility.

Duckmin: Keep that attitude up and you’ll go far in life!

Sora: Or just keep flip-flopping between tolerable and pure evil.

Goofy: And between two and one leg.

Past Pete: WHO WANTS TO RIDE ON THE STEAMBOAT! Mickey’s not there to ruin shit by whistling iconically anyway.

Sora: OKAY! *one scene cut later* YAY I’M DRIVING A STEAMBOAT!

Duckmin: And I’m ringing bells and shit!

Goofy: And I’m just standing here!

Mickey: And I’m resting behind the MacGuffin in the back!

Sora: …How did I miss that the first time I played this. *gets Monochrome Keyblade* HEY another ugly-ass piece of crap I’ll never use. Aaaaaand apparently we moved the MacGuffin back into place off-screen.

Goofy: And everything’s the same back at the castle, I guess?

Sora: Let’s head back.

Duckmin: What, you don’t want to level up?

Sora: Of course I do, which is why we’re gonna come back here as soon as we get kicked off the planet so we can level up. Because the windows will still be open for some reason except we only have to kill Heartless and don’t have to worry about any other shit.

Goofy: Also we are not fucking up the timeline any more than we already have beyond that.

Duckmin: Stop dragging me back to the door, I’m sick of leaving before we’re ready to leave! *gets literally thrown back into the present before Sora and Goofy go through the door after him*

Minnie: *watches all the thorns disappear* The thorns have disappeared!

Merlin: …We can see that, my vision’s not that terrible.

Chip: YAY THEY DID THE THING.

Dale: Good, now can we stop standing around in here, I’m hungry.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *come out through the door*

Minnie: ‘Sup, bitches! Because you did the thing, Heartless will no longer appear anywhere in the castle at any point in time!

Sora: Damn it, this would’ve been the perfect place to level up Wisdom if I ever get that Goku uniform!

Minnie: Oh it’s fine.

Chip and Dale: Conglaturations, now our planet won’t blow up because of you.

Merlin: Okay, what’d you fuck up.

Duckmin: Irresponsibly left another way in and out of that world and our own which we will never take down and can only hope someone else doesn’t get curious and tries to sneak a peak?

Sora and Goofy: It’s fine.

Daisy: *peaks into the Hall of the MacGuffin*

Duckmin: I sense something, a presence I have not felt since… *turns around* Daisy!

Sora: *whips head around* Daisy Johnson?! Oh, that Daisy…

Daisy: *walks slowly into the room*

Duckmin: Been a while, huh, girl?

Sora: …So who is she again?

Goofy: Duckmin’s girlfriend.

Sora: Pfft, Duckmin managed to get a girlfriend?! We are talking about the same annoying-as-fuck selfish prick with the horrible duck penis, right? How did he get a girlfriend with an anti-spiral vagina that’s willing to put up with that shit, even ignoring his terrible personality?!

Daisy: Actually, I’m the toxic one in the relationship, since I’m now going to get pissed at Duckmin for putting the needs of others over my need to go on a date with him.

Sora: …He’s helping us SAVE THE VERY FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE you dumb bitch! Ah forget it, you two can have each other!

Daisy: Look, you guys travel all over the universe! You can check in every once in a while, you know!

Duckmin: I was literally unable to until just now, though! Sora, back me up!

Sora: I don’t wanna.

Duckmin: That’s it, I’m going back in time to change you into someone less abusive or at least find a new girlfriend who isn’t!

Daisy: You’ll do no such thing! *grabs Duckmin’s tail feathers to prevent him from leaving*

Duckmin: I can’t put up with this shit much longer. *runs away*

Daisy: *chases him with the promise of pain when she catches him*

Sora, Goofy, Merlin, Chip, and Dale: …Why are we finding this amusing.

Minnie: What’re you talking about, it’s great!

Sora: Yup. Relationship abuse for comedic punchline effect.

Goofy: Yup. Never not classy and relatable.

Merlin:Always a hit with the audience.

Chip: Exactly. It's like having a dog get murdered in a movie! Everyone's like “Yeah!” Right?

Dale:As long as you play a slide whistle. That's whuh happuhn.

Game developers and apparently original writers of Daisy I am coming to discover: Because all women beat up their men whenever the men do something the women perceive as wrong. HOORAY FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE! YAAAAAAAAY we don’t know how to write for women, that’s really what’s going on here.

Minnie: …Why is the MacGuffin suddenly glowing more than usual?

Sora: Because it’s time to go to another planet that’s actually tolerable at long last. *unlocks the next route* Daisy, please don’t maim me, but we still need Duckmin, he’s actually useful this time around.

Daisy: I find that hard to believe.

Duckmin: That hurt more than when everyone else says it.

Goofy: We’ll be back eventually, don’t worry.

Sora: Please tell the king to STAY WHERE HE IS SO WE CAN FIND HIM.

Minnie: I promise nothing and deliver less.

Chip and Dale: See you whenever you have to do a Gummi ship mission!

Merlin: See you at the middle of the game maybe! Oh, torn pages, how are we doing on those?

Sora: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my WISDOM FORM! Which would’ve been great to get right before the multitude of respawning Shadows disappeared from the castle since EXP for this outfit is determined by the number of Heartless you destroy…

Port Royal and Atlantica: *are now both available*

Olympus: *suddenly has a new tournament*

Sora: *ignores both of these things and heads back to Disney Castle* Aaaaaand now there’s a skateboard in every room of Disney Castle and Timeless River. What the fuck.

Dale: We’ll design up a Gummi Ship while you’re collecting gummis. Gather as many as possible. We’ll let you know when the plan is ready.

Chip: If you defeat an enemy quickly in a Gummi battle, sometimes another enemy appears. It’s more work for you, but you might encounter a rare enemy!

Sora: Cool. *heads to the library to check on people*

Daisy: I found the most lovely place. I’m sure Duckmin will like it. So hurry back, okay! And come back in one piece!

Sora: I have no desire to become King of the Pirates, though—oh, in, not with, gotcha.

Minnie: The King is out there somewhere, doing all he can. I’ll do my best to stand around and be sad, but most of all, we need your help!

Sora: That’s nice for you. *heads to Timeless River so he can level up both Goku uniforms*

Clarabelle Cow: I’m excited a castle’s being built, but I’m going to miss this walking course. Maybe I should ask them to build a garden to take walks in at the castle.

Sora: Didn’t know you had so much influence on what is, in fact, going to happen.

Horace Horsecollar: I’m glad Pete got his boat back. It’s good to see him back to his old self. Things just aren’t the same without hearing that steam whistle.

Clara Cluck: You sure come here a lot.

Sora: Well it’s the best place to level up right now, what do you want.

Clara Cluck: Well, if you’re looking to buy property, now’s the time. Once the castle’s built, land prices are gonna skyrocket!

Pete: That guy had some nerve to steal my boat. It’s strange, though…He somehow seemed familiar…

Sora: HOW DOES NO ONE REMEMBER ANY OF THIS SHIT. *gets up to level thirty-five before leaving again*

~When you go back to the Hall of the MacGuffin from exiting the black and white world that is Timeless River, it’s literally blinding in its bright colorfulness.~

Chapter Text

~YEAH, TIME FOR A REHASH OF THE ONLY GOOD PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN MOVIE! AFTER THIS SIDEQUEST!~

Sora: *goes back to Olympus* What are we doing here again?

Goofy: Iunno, there’s no one even here.

Sora: There’s no sign of either Heartless or Nobodies in this safe area where Heartless and Nobodies have never and will never appear, but I guess I’m talking about the rest of the planet. Which will be proven wrong as soon as I go to another area.

Duckmin: *sees new arena across the River Styx* …The hell’s that thing?

Auron: The Underdrome. Also I’m back now.

Sora: Oh hey.

Auron: Bunch of Underworld dudes used to fight there all the time. But Zeus, of all people, closed the place down, much to both Hades’s and Ares’s consternation.

Sora: Did Ares open it back up again, then?

Auron: Nah, it was some other idiot.

Sora: What douchebag would ever do that?

Duckmin and Goofy: Who indeed.

Auron: …Yeah, I’m leaving, I can’t take more idiotic video game protagonists right now.

Sora: Where are you going, Auron? You’re supposed to be interchangeable with the party like Beast and Mulan and other eventual people!

Auron: Don’t you have a plot to be moving on with? *leaves as soon as Sora looks away*

Sora: …Well that happened, I guess.

Panic: Yo, if you wanna fight come talk to me.

Pain: Same rules as last time, dying doesn’t matter, you can replay as many times as you want and it won’t count as a game over.

Panic: And if you win you get shit. Not EXP at any point, but shit nonetheless.

Pain: They’re really just here to get rare items/abilities and to fill out the journal.

Sora: …Suddenly this seems way less exciting. *goes up to talk to Hades*

Hades: I’m busy. If you’ve got nothing to say, beat it.

Sora: Oh there are several things I would like to say. *beats it anyway* Now let’s see how easy this baby tournament for babies turns out to be—FUCKING HOT RODS! *restarts* Why are they the toughest fight in this tournament, everything else is pathetically easy.

Yuffie and Squall: What’re you talking about, we’re totally a credible threat—OW MY FLESH!

Sora: *wins tournament* You guys are easier to fight than the Hot Rods, how are you always so terrible. *fucks off to Port Royal*

Duckmin: …Whoa.

Sora: Having our wacky adorable and clearly cartoon faces suddenly appear in a live-action setting is…

Goofy: A tad odd, for starters.

Port Royal title card: Why play this when you could be playing Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag. Seriously, go play that one instead, it’s still fucking amazing. Hell, Rogue's better than this shit!

Sora: I hear the cries of hundreds of screaming, terrified people we’re never going to run into because no planet is ever all that populated ever!

Goofy: Do you think it’s Organization XIII, Pete, or whatever actual problems that are usually plaguing the natives?

Duckmin: Who cares, I say we interfere like we’re not supposed to!

Sora: You really have come a long way, haven’t you. *goes down to the town after collecting treasure and puzzle pieces*

Pete: I’m in a live-action setting too! This can only go well. So what’s this about Aztec treasure?

Captain Barbossa: They did not get a single actor back to do the voices, that much is so clear it’s insulting. Also I refuse to work with you.

Pete: Tough, I’m gonna be here all level.

Captain Barbossa: Ar, I be parlaying with a cat. Also check out this convenient cloud shift.

Pete: Oh, a cloud shifting right the fuck now at the most convenient moment possible to show off a full moon? What is this, Prisoner of Azkaban… *gets a good look at the curse* …Or you’re all just Inferi…

Game: *shows off the skeleton army without any kind of dramatic gravitas whatsoever*

Pete: Well anyway, if you see any other anthropomorphic talking animals and a kid who looks like a generic animu character, run the fuck away, I don’t know what their own heathen magic’ll end up doing to you when you’re revealed like that.

Clouds: *conveniently cover the moon again*

Captain Barbossa: Can we control the weather now or what. Anyway, I dig a challenge, it’s been ten years since any of us really had one, after all.

Sora: I’m conveniently here now!

Pete: The timing of this planet, I swear…

Sora: …Why do we have to keep repeating our names over and over on every planet we come across, people know who we are and it’s getting really fucking annoying.

Captain Barbossa: We are going to murder all three of you.

Pete: Marry me.

Captain Barbossa: No. Half of the Bo’suns, Twiggs, and Jacobys try to kill these three, and the rest come with me to look for what we actually came here to get in the first place!

Multitude of Bo’suns, Twiggs, and Jacobys: Why do we all know Kage Bunshin no Jutsu.

Sora: Yeah that’s pretty weird. I get that this game can apparently do so much, but…IS THAT THE THEME MUSIC FROM THE MOVIE PLAYING AS BATTLE MUSIC WHY ISN’T SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN EVERY FUCKING LEVEL OF THESE GAMES I LOVE THIS GAME SO FUCKING MUCH.

Captain Barbossa: Knew you would.

Sora: *is trying to attack them but the pirates, the pirates, the Keyblade it does nothing* Why am I fighting these guys as if I’m fighting Heartless with a wooden sword?

Bo’sun: Gee, it sure would be inconvenient if a cloud were to shift and reveal a full moon right about now!

Duckmin: SKELETON WARRIORS, DUNUNUNUH, NUH, NUUUH, NUH NUH NUH! DUNUNUNUH NUH, SKELETON WARRIORS!

Sora: Okay, when did this game become amazing?!

Twigg: Am I oblivious to my current state or am I still just this confident that we can’t die?

Pete: …Sora’s got the Keyblade and Duckmin’s got his magic, but I honestly don’t think Goofy’s shield will be able to do much, try going after him and dodging the other two.

Bo’sun: Murder all of them like the Captain told us to and ignore you at every opportunity, got it.

Sora: And attack them while their skeletons are exposed, double got it. Yeah, we can't hit their bones when they're covered in flesh but now that we can see their bones we can hit them.

Pete: Ah shit.

Goofy: Does no one feel weird about attacking actual people?

Sora: These guys are skeletons, though!

Goofy: Yeah, but we’re all skeletons, really!

Sora: No we’re not, you’re making that up!

Goofy: There’s a skeleton in you right now!

Sora: LALALALALA I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU! *murders everyone*

Pete: …Well that didn’t turn out great. I'm just gonna leave now, don't try to run after me. *runs away*

Sora: Welp, guess we'll just leave him be. It's not like he can cause damage, I guess.

Goofy: Who cares about Pete, there are legitimate pirates up in this bitch! These people have guns, what's the worst Pete's gonna do?

Sora: Is Pete trying to turn Barbossa into a Heartless? ‘Cause I think this plotline would work way better if Davey Jones was the antagonist of the level, there was actual organ involvement in that one.

Duckmin: I kinda miss just sticking to Heartless. I also don’t like the thought of murdering actual people, even if it is very clearly in self-defense.

Sora: I WANNA BE KING OF THE PIRATES! Or at least a pirate, pirates are fucking awesome.

Duckmin: That into raping and pillaging, are you?

Sora: Raping not so much, but pillaging? We do that in every world we come to and you know it. Mostly I like the thought of sailing on a huge ship with no serious orders beyond “Do this or we die while out at sea” and “Hey let’s go get more money so we can buy shit with it later,” I’ve always loved this kind of crap, that’s why One Piece is still one of my favorite anime of all time and why I love Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag the best out of any Assassin’s Creed game, including Brotherhood, which was my first game and therefore I liked it the best for a while.

Goofy: Fair point. Anyway, let’s ignore Pete for now, he’s clearly not the threat here, those guys who just went into town are. *goes into town*

Elizabeth: *has been thrown over the Bo’sun’s shoulder* Where are you taking me?! Let me go!

Bo’sun: …No, you invoked the right of parlay with Captain Barbossa and were expecting to be taken to the Captain, why are you bitching and whining now?

Elizabeth: Because unless your name is Mulan your only role in this game is to be kidnapped and rescued and to not show any brains or ingenuity at all. Every single one of us has been turned into a strong independent woman who desperately needs a man because that’s why we were created.

Bo’sun: You should see Belle later, actually, you could really learn a thing from Disney heroines of the past.

Will: Elizabeth! *tries to run after her but gets cornered by Heartless* …The fuck are these?

Duckmin: Heartless. *runs in front of him with Sora and Goofy*

Will: …The fuck are you?

Sora: Uh, they ate Zoan Devil Fruits?

Will: I don’t read cartoons, or…or watch comics, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

Sora: Uh, then they’re unholy abominations, but ones that are on our side, so let us deal with them while you run and hide like a pussy.

Will: Aye! *doesn’t run after Elizabeth and instead watches Sora kill everything* …Well that was badass. I can fence pretty fucking well, but for some reason I won’t really feel like it for this entire section of the game in order for you to hang out with Jack over me since he’s the real reason the movies are still being made anyway. Still.

Sora: Works for us.

Goofy: So did you manage to rescue your friend or were you too busy watching us fight?

Will: …Well when you put it like that I seem like a huge asshole. I must make up for this huge mistake! Would you mind helping me and fighting most of my battles for me so I won’t have to?

Sora: Well why the fuck not?! Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, usual introductions.

Will: I’m Will Turner. We should go to the docks and see about saving Miss Swan.

Sora: Okay. *kills everything in his path on his way to the docks just in time to watch the Black Pearl sail away*

Will: …Bollocks.

Sora: That’s the pirate ship?

Will: Yes. And now we’re never gonna be able to catch up and save Miss Swan.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Then she’s gone, isn’t she. Might as well move on, mate, there are plenty of other women out there in the Spanish Main for you to fall for.

Will: Damn it, Sparrow, you know the Interceptor’s off-limits to civilians!

Captain Jack Sparrow: I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately.

Will: You’re going to steal the ship?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Commandeer. I’m going to commandeer the ship. Nautical term.

Sora: ...Erg...Hoo boy...Um...

Goofy: It's not actually Johnny Depp, it's just his likeness, we do not have to get into that.

Sora: Oh! Okay, that's fine then I guess! Still a bit awkward but knowing that makes me feel infinitely better.

Duckmin: HOW 'BOUT DAT FANTASTIC BEASTS SHIT, THOUGH.

Goofy: He was cast back in January of '16 before he did all the stupid, and at least he's playing a villain we can all actively hate?

Duckmin: Ah. I have been convinced except not really but sure.

Sora: Now that we got that horribleness out of the way, HOLY SHIT AN ACTUAL PIRATE I AM FANGASMING ALL OVER THE PLACE RIGHT NOW.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Please don’t get any of it on the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. I wouldn’t be able to get it out of me clothes.

Will: You. Sparrow!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Eh?

Will: You are familiar with that ship the Black Pearl.

Captain Jack Sparrow: …I’ve heard of it.

Will: Where does it make berth?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Where does it make berth?! Have you not heard the stories?

Sora: We have not, please enlighten us with this dashing, daring tale!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Captain Barbossa, and his crew of miscreants, sail for the dreaded Isla de Muerta. It’s an island that cannot be found except…by those who already knew where it is.

Will: The ship’s real enough. Therefore its anchorage must be a real place, where is it?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Why ask me?

Will: …Because you’re a pirate.

Captain Jack Sparrow: And you want to turn pirate yourself, is that it?

Sora: YES!

Will: Never!

Captain Jack Sparrow: *examines fingernails*

Will: …They took Miss Swan.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Still with that, then, are we? I see. Well, if you’re intending to brave all, hasten to her rescue, and so win fair lady’s heart, you’ll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me.

Will: I got you out of that fucking jail cell where we apparently never had this conversation, how ‘bout that? You owe me one, Sparrow!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Yes, but what have you done for me lately?

Sora: I AM WILLING AND ABLE TO BECOME A PIRATE OVER HERE.

Will: Also you need hands to man the ship, do you not?

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Welcome aboard the Interceptor, then. Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay brave and see—Oh god, I hate this bloody line. Where are the writers, I’m gonna kill them.

Sora: YAY. I’M SORA AND THIS IS DUCKMIN AND THIS IS GOOFY.

Duckmin: We appreciate your not questioning our extremely out-of-place appearances on this planet.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Eh, I’ve seen weirder. *turns to Will* …What’s your name?

Will: Will Turner.

Captain Jack Sparrow: That would be short for William, I imagine. Good strong name. No doubt named for your father, eh?

Will: …Yes.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Uh-huh…Well, Mr. Turner, I’ve officially changed me mind. I swear on pain of death, I shall take you to the Black Pearl and your bonny lass, if you’ll do strange things to my dog, his name is Tim. Do we have an accord.

Will: *shakes Jack’s hand after he stops laughing* Agreed.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Agreed. Except apparently I’ve left my shit back at the jail so I’ll be along presently.

Will: …Well can you do it quickly?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Of course, of course.

Duckmin: Sora, are you sure this is a good idea?

Goofy: You really do want to be a pirate, don’t ya?

Sora: Not particularly and yes, respectively.

Duckmin: But he’s a fucking pirate and pirates are horrible, I hate those pirates.

Sora: Man, those pirates. I hate their chiseled good looks and large penises.

Goofy: Damn it. I was totally waiting for you to do the chiseled good looks so I could talk about their large penises. But you beat me to it!

Captain Jack Sparrow: So what’s the deal with this Will guy, anyway?

Sora: Won’t fight for some reason, and normally I’d make the argument that only the Keyblade can truly destroy Heartless so it doesn’t really matter but once we team up your sword still works just fine so I don’t know what the problem could be.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Doesn’t matter. I’ve got exactly what I need to make the plot flow smoothly.

Sora: Huh. Wonder what he means by that.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Looks like Barbossa’s really gone to town with the…uh…town.

Sora: …Oh I get it.

Will: I don’t get it.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Anyway, I’ve gotten my effects offscreen apparently, so I’m ready whenever you are.

Goofy: Apparently that pirate who was with Pete is called Barbossa. People say he’ll stop at nothing to get what he wants, but I wonder what it is he’s after.

Duckmin: Will’s a blacksmith, and that girl who was kidnapped is the daughter of one of his most important customers. Considering he’s the fucking governor. If you ask me, though, Will seems more like a swordsman than a blacksmith.

Will:Are we fucking going or what?!

Sora: *runs around gathering shit in the town* Yeah, fine, sure, let’s go. *gets aboard the Interceptor*

~…There’s nothing for it but to type out the script to the movie for most of this section, Jesus.~

Elizabeth: Why aren’t I in the other dress to start with if you’re not going to force me to change, at least for that one I didn’t have to wear a bloody corset. *eats slowly and daintily*

Captain Barbossa: There’s no need to stand on ceremony, nor call to impress anyone. You must be hungry. Seriously, eat something, Jesus Christ.

Elizabeth: *immediately starts wolfing down all the food*

Captain Barbossa: *pours her a glass of wine* Try the wine.

Elizabeth: *gulps it down and goes back to pigging out*

Captain Barbossa: *holds out an apple* And the apples, one of those next.

Monkey: *is Sir Not Appearing In This Game*

Elizabeth: *stares at him and drops the bread she was eating* It’s poisoned.

Captain Barbossa: *chuckles darkly* No, that’s a different Disney movie. There would be no sense to be killing you, Miss Turner.

Elizabeth: Then release me, you have your trinket, I’m of no further value to you!

Captain Barbossa: *pulls out the medallion* You don’t know what this is, do you.

Elizabeth: It’s a pirate medallion.

Captain Barbossa: This is Aztec gold. One of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a chest to Cortés himself. Blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon ‘em with his armies. But the greed of Cortés was insatiable. So the heathen gods placed upon the gold…a terrible curse. Any mortal that removes but a single piece from that stone chest…shall be punished, for eternity.

Elizabeth: I hardly believe in ghost stories anymore, Captain Barbossa.

Captain Barbossa: Aye. That’s exactly what I thought when we were first told the tale. Buried on an island of dead what cannot be found, except for those who know where it is. Find it we did. There be the chest. Inside be the gold. And we took ‘em all. We spent ‘em and traded ‘em, and frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize, the drink would not satisfy. Food turned to ash in our mouths. And all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust.

Elizabeth: That last line’s not in the game.

Captain Barbossa: Well they’d have to rate it T and it wouldn’t be a kids’ game anymore.

Elizabeth: Then why not remove the bit about pleasurable company altogether?

All the pirates outside: Then why not remove the bit about pleasurable company.

Captain Barbossa: Because they can believe that we’d bribe our way into fancy parties with the gold even though everyone still knows we’re talking about prostitutes.

Elizabeth: At this point I’m beginning to question the point of including a PG-13 movie in an E ten and up game if you’re not going to stick it out, but whatever, please continue.

Captain Barbossa: Where even was I…Oh yes. We are cursed men, Miss Turner. Compelled by greed, we were, but now, we are consumed by it. *gets distracted by something that’s not the monkey because the monkey isn’t in the game*

Elizabeth: *hides a knife under her napkin on her lap*

Captain Barbossa: *turns back to her* There is one way we can end our curse. All the scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored, and the blood repaid. Thanks to ye, we have the final piece.

Elizabeth: …And the blood to be repaid?

Captain Barbossa: That’s why there’s no sense to be killing you. Yet. Apple?

Elizabeth: *knocks the apple out of his hand, tries to escape his clutches by running around the room while Barbossa stereotypically growls “Arr!” at her, and eventually manages to plunge the knife in his chest*

Captain Barbossa: *pulls the knife out* I’m curious. After killing me, what is it you’re planning on doing next?

Elizabeth: *runs outside the cabin and sees a crew of skeletons manning the ship, and most unfortunately doesn’t get roped into shenanigans involving a skeleton in a blue hoodie. Also she doesn’t get thrown about by the crew which is also a shame, and immediately tries to go back into the cabin*

Captain Barbossa: *grabs her and forces her to look at the crew* Look! The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living, and so we cannot die, but neither are we dead. *turns her around again to face him* For too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I been starving to death, and haven’t died. I feel nothing! Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea…nor the warmth of a woman’s flesh. *reaches out to her as she backs up, revealing his own skeletal hand in the moonlight as he steps out fully* You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You’re in one! *opens a bottle of wine and drinks it, showing off how it just pours right over his ribcage*

Elizabeth: …Holy balls is that better with the epic music. *runs right past him back into the cabin*

Captain Barbossa: *smashes the bottle into the door, closes the doors, and turns to his crew and starts cackling*

Crew: *also cackles evilly*

Captain Barbossa: What are you looking at?! Back to work!

~This game is really showing how superior the movies it’s working in are. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but come the smeg on, this ain’t holding up at all.~

Sora: This isn’t too bad a ship…Too bad I can’t climb all over the rigging or dive off whenever I want. Damn I miss ACIV…

Duckmin: If you want to change our course, why don’t you try asking? It sure is a lot of work to move a ship, though. I’m pooped!

Goofy: If you get tired, you can rest in the cargo hold below. Even if enemies attack, you can run down and come out at your actual location, except I know how much you like to level up so fuck that noise, amirite?

Will: I fought with Jack once. Afterwards he was sent to jail. He didn’t stay in there for long, though. He’s a pirate to the core.

Sora: …Weren’t you the one who freed hi—

Will: YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

Sora: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Interceptor: *heads to the Isla de Muerta, at one point being overrun by Heartless and for some reason cursed pirates that were just there with no explanation, but they were fought off easily*

Sora: You haven’t taken your eyes off that compass since we left Port Royal. Don’t sailors also go by the stars?

Will: How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn’t work?!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Aye, the compass doesn’t point North, but we’re not trying to find North, are we?

Duckmin: *goes up to him* We should drop canvas, sir!

Captain Jack Sparrow: She can hold a bit longer!

Sora: What’s in your head that’s put you in such a fine mood, Cap’n?

Captain Jack Sparrow: We’re catching up! And I have no desire to rehash what’s already been explained elsewhere. Just know that the Black Pearl used to be my ship and I will have her back, no matter the cost.

Sora: Well that doesn’t sound too ominous. And we’re here.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Good. Now you three stay behind and protect the ship, if our plan fails it’s our only way off this godforsaken spit of land.

Sora: But we can literally teleport off-planet whenever we want thanks to that shiny circular area right behind you—

Captain Jack Sparrow: And you’d be inclined to take us with you when you leave, would you?

Sora: …We would not.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Well there you have it. Now if either of us fall behind, keep to the code, savvy?

Sora: Aye, the code.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Will, we going?

Will: Aye. *runs into the cave with Jack*

Duckmin: …What did he mean by keep to the code?

Sora: Any man who falls behind is left behind. What Captain Jack doesn’t know is that I’m going to completely ignore that because I’m me.

Goofy: Good. Now about the part where it’s been over twenty seconds since they left…

Sora: I got the movie playing in my brain to determine at which point we should go in…and I just realized that the movie doesn’t have Heartless in it. We should go in, they’re gonna need backup. *gets off the Interceptor*

~Actually I think Jack and Will would’ve done just fine without them.~

Captain Jack Sparrow: Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate. *motions Will to peak over the rock he’s hiding behind to see all the pirates standing around in their treasure horde with Elizabeth tied up beside Barbossa*

Captain Barbossa: Gentlemen, the time has come!

Crew: YAY!

Captain Barbossa: Our salvation is nigh!

Crew: YAY!

Captain Barbossa: Our torment is near an end!

Crew: YAY!

Will: Elizabeth…

Captain Barbossa: *is standing next to Elizabeth as he’s monologuing* For ten years we’ve been tested and tried, and each man jack of you here has proved his mettle a hundred times over, and a hundred times again!

Twigg: Suffered, I have!

Captain Barbossa: Punished, we were! The lot of us! Disproportionate to our crime!

Jacoby: Insert joke about American incarceration/education system here…

Captain Barbossa: *kicks off lid of chest and drags his hand across the gold pieces* Here it is! The cursed treasure of Cortés himself.

Will: *looks to Jack and back*

Captain Barbossa: Every last piece that went astray, we have returned. Save for this! *points to Elizabeth’s cleavage*

Will: Jack!

Captain Jack Sparrow: *prevents him from rushing in* Not yet. *drags him down behind the rock they’re watching from* We wait for the opportune moment.

~BUT NEVER MIND THE REST OF THAT SCENE, APPARENTLY!~

Chapter Text

~Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh…And really bad eggs…~

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *fight their way through the first section of the tunnel when they suddenly run into Will and Elizabeth*

Will: I got the one that matters, but they’re following us!

Sora: You got away nearly scot-free in the movie, what the shit!

Will: I kind of suck in this version.

Sora: Fine, we’ll fight off the pirates who apparently know ninja techniques, you go get the Interceptor set up and shout when she’s ready to sail.

Will: Signal fire, got it! *runs off with Elizabeth*

Elizabeth: How the fuck am I able to run in this corset.

Sora: …Only have to survive for a minute? Hell, I don’t even need to kill these guys, do I? *kills them anyway* Okay, we’re good to go, let’s go! *runs back to the Interceptor* Where’s Jack?

Will: Let me explain in a flashback…

~Oh, here’s the rest of the scene, okay.~

Captain Barbossa: 881 we found, but despaired of ever finding the last.

Will: *follows Jack back down the tunnel* When’s that? When it’s of greatest profit to you?

Captain Jack Sparrow: *stops* May I ask you something? Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

Will: ...We've known each other for the boat ride over here.

Captain Jack Sparrow:Do us a favor. I know it’s difficult for you, but please, stay here, and try not to do anything stupid. *starts walking away again*

Captain Barbossa: And who among us has paid the blood sacrifice owed to the heathen gods?

Crew: US!

Captain Barbossa: And whose blood must yet be paid?!

Crew: HERS!

Captain Jack Sparrow: *creeps closer to get a better look at what’s happening*

Captain Barbossa: You know the first thing I’m gonna do after the curse is lifted? Eat a whole bushel of apples.

Elizabeth: Oh just get it over with so I don’t have to hear this Apple product placement anymore.

Captain Barbossa: Okay. *picks up knife as the crew starts chanting* Begun by blood, by blood undone.

Will: *knocks Jack out with an oar* Sorry, Jack, I’m not gonna be your leverage.

Captain Barbossa: *rips the medallion off Elizabeth’s neck, places it in her hand, slices her hand open, and forces some of the blood onto the medallion. And by that I mean the medallion has a red texture on it now and Elizabeth's hand is fine*

Elizabeth: …That’s it?

Captain Barbossa: Well this knife isn’t exactly clean so who knows what kind of disease you’ll get from this, but otherwise waste not. *has the medallion dramatically fall into the texture of coins, looking significantly shittier than it did in the movie, Jesus Christ this is awful*

Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants: *stand around hoping the curse has been lifted*

Bo’sun: …Did it work?

Twigg: I don’t feel no different.

Jacoby: How do we tell?

Captain Barbossa: *rolls eyes and shoots Jacoby in the chest*

Bo’sun: You’re not dead.

Jacoby: No…He shot me!

Twigg: It didn’t work! The curse is still upon us!

Captain Barbossa: *stares at bloody knife* You! Maid! Your father, what was his name! *grabs Elizabeth by the shoulders and shakes her* Was your father William Turner?!

Elizabeth: No.

Captain Barbossa: Where’s his child! *picks up medallion* The child that sailed from England eight years ago, the child in whose veins flows the blood of William Turner? Where?!

Elizabeth: *smiles smugly at him*

Captain Barbossa: *backhands her and sends both her and the medallion flying, or would have if this wasn't a kids game where we have to protect the children from imagery of a movie they've probably already seen*

Will: *sneaks up through the water while the pirates are arguing and motions that Elizabeth follow him, which she does after grabbing the medallion*

Twigg: You brought us here for nothing!

Captain Barbossa: I won’t take questioning or second guesses, not from the likes of you, Master Twigg.

Bo’sun: Who’s to blame, then? Every decision you’ve made has led us from bad to worse.

Jacoby: It was you who sent Bootstrap to the depths!

Will and Elizabeth: *are escaping in the background*

Bo’sun: *draws his sword* And it’s you who brought us here in the first place!

Captain Barbossa: *draws his own sword in the face of his entire crew drawing their swords against him* If any coward here dare challenge me, let him speak! Hmm?

Bo’sun: I say we cut her throat, and spill all her blood, just in case!

Crew: Yeah!

Captain Barbossa: *looks down and sees that Elizabeth peaced out with the medallion* The medallion! She’s taken it! Get after her, you feckless pack of ingrates!

~I know I didn’t include the whole scene, but this game isn’t doing the movie any justice whatsoever at this point.~

Will: I know I didn’t have to knock him out, but I seriously never trusted that guy. Pirates are actual murderers and I never fancied hanging about him.

Sora: …I want it on record that I don’t feel good about this and loathe that it jumps right back into gameplay without a word of protest from me.

Will: That’s nice for you, no one cares.

Duckmin: I don’t trust pirates, either, but too I hope Jack’s all right. For some reason. First, we have to get Elizabeth back, though, so let’s return to Port Royal.

Sora: Oh yeah, she’s here.

Goofy: I’m sure Jack will be all right. He seems to be the kind of guy who can get out of any situation.

Sora: That’s true, that’s fair.

Elizabeth: When I was little, the ship I was on discovered Will drifting in the ocean. After we picked him up, I found he was carrying…Um…never mind.

Sora: Oh for fuck’s sake, you know this is gonna be the most important thing ever…Damn it, I need one more AP to use Aerial Spiral. Might as well use one of the EIGHTEEN AP BOOSTS I HAVE ON ME.

Duckmin and Goofy: Hey, you think you could spare—

Sora: MINE YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY THEY’RE ALL MINE.

Duckmin and Goofy: Oy vey.

Will: Hey, on our way back to Port Royal, would you mind fighting all the attackers for us while Elizabeth and I cower in the ship’s hold? That’d be great.

Sora: I dislike you with great intensity. *does the thing anyway* Thank god these guys don't attack during the day, that'd be really hard to deal with.

Elizabeth: *is talking with Will while this is happening* What sort of a man trades a man’s life for a ship?

Will: A pirate. *doesn't take her hand that she was not trying to bandage because why would there be wounds in a video game level based on a movie that revolves around blood as a plot point* Here, let me.

Elizabeth: Thank you.

Will: You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?

Elizabeth: So I couldn’t be held for ransom against my father.

Will: Obviously, but why my name?

Elizabeth: I don’t know. *gasps in pain as Will ties the bandage a little too tightly*

Will: I’m sorry. Blacksmith’s hands. I know they’re rough.

Elizabeth: No. I-I mean, yes they are, but… *Will finishes bandaging her hand* But don’t stop?

Will: Elizabeth… *both of them lean in for a kiss*

Elizabeth: *pulls back and Elizabeth drags his hand down to her chest*

Will: …A little early, don’t you think?

Elizabeth: *holds up the medallion that she apparently had time to put back on*

Will: Oh. Oh

Elizabeth: Yeah, it’s yours. *tugs on the chain so it’s no longer attached around her neck*

Will: I thought I’d lost it the day they rescued me. It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me. *looks up at Elizabeth* Why did you take it?

Elizabeth: Because I was afraid that you were a pirate. That would have been awful. Because it meant that they would’ve executed a child that I’d just made friends with and I didn’t want that to happen instead of me being disgusted by pirates, I should have clarified but didn’t.

Will: Yeah, that probably would’ve made me feel a lot better, since it wasn’t your blood they needed. It was my father’s blood. My blood. *hand tightens around medallion* The blood of a pirate. Whom I now believe you hate because you weren’t clear.

Elizabeth: Will, I’m so sorry, please forgive me.

Will: *slams the medallion down on the table*

~…BUT ENOUGH OF THAT MOVIE SCENE, IT’S TIME FOR THIS MOVIE SCENE! Only on a boat with Jack already tied up instead of still in the cave.~

Captain Barbossa: How in blazes did you get off that island, Jack.

Captain Jack Sparrow: When you marooned me on that godforsaken spit of land, you forgot one important thing, mate. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.

Captain Barbossa: Well I won’t be making that mistake again.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Cool. So let me go talk to my friendly-friends and see if I can get back that medallion in exchange for their lives, eh?

Captain Barbossa: Gents, you all remember Captain Jack Sparrow.

Crew: *grunts in affirmation*

Captain Barbossa: Kill ‘im.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You can’t do that, it’s a kids’ game.

Captain Barbossa: Ah, shit, you’re right. Brig it is, then.

Twigg: Captain, we’ve caught up to the Interceptor. We go aboard and hang out in the moonlight and die like the rest of our clones?

Captain Barbossa: Well of course!

Elizabeth: …Black Pearl off the port stern.

Will: …Shite.

Duckmin: …So we just fight ‘em off like normal, who cares, it’s not as if Disney is ever gonna release a decent pirate game with ship warfare, unlike a certain other game with big dick pirate captains!

Sora: I wonder what Jack would do. *stares pointedly at Will*

Will: Run away like a huge coward.

Sora: …That actually sounds like kind of a good ide—Aaaaand they have cannons. Right.

Will: *falls off the ship*

Elizabeth: Of course he would do that. Anything to not fight.

Goofy: Guys? We should probably duck.

More cannonballs: *hit the ship*

Elizabeth: Why am I cowering, I was helping by this point.

Sora: WHY IS MULAN THE ONLY USEFUL WOMAN IN THIS GAME AND WHY DID WE MAKE HER LESS AWESOME BY ASSISTING HER AT EVERY TURN. *picks up the medallion that either Will or Elizabeth dropped with their mutual incompetence* Fine, let’s just keep murdering dudes, who even cares at this point.

Interceptor: *magically turns around and sails back to the Black Pearl*

Sora: *fights pirates who jump aboard, occasionally having the medallion stolen and having to retrieve it, and occasionally firing cannons back at the Pearl if he gets a moment*

Captain Jack Sparrow: *muffled* STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP.

Sora: Man is it convenient that the moon is always fucking exposed whenever we fight like this.

Captain Barbossa: That is annoying, true. *is suddenly on the ship with both Jack and Elizabeth tied up and Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy are suddenly surrounded by pirates again*

Sora: …Two things. One, Elizabeth, how did you get kidnapped so quickly again. Two, HOW DID YOU GUYS GET ON THE INTERCEPTOR SO QUICKLY LIKE THAT HOW INCOMPETENT ARE WE THIS LEVEL.

Captain Barbossa: Extremely. Now. Medallion. Gimme.

Sora: No.

Captain Barbossa: Okay, we kill the girl and the idiot, then.

Will: Barbossa!

Elizabeth: Will.

Will: *grabs a pistol and points it at Barbossa* She goes free.

Captain Barbossa: What’s in your head, boy?

Will: She goes free.

Captain Barbossa: You’ve only got one shot, as I somehow know you got a hold of Jack’s pistol apparently, and we can’t die.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Don’t do anything stupid!

Will: *jumps on the rail of the ship* You can’t, I can. *points the gun under his own neck*

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Like that.

Sora: Still can’t believe the game makes it so he’s just pointing the gun down at the ship, that’s not even a threat, if you’re going to rip off the movie shot-for-shot then rip off the movie shot-for-shot or DON’T EVEN BOTHER INCLUDING THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Captain Barbossa: Who even are you.

Captain Jack Sparrow: No one. He’s no one. A distant cousin of my aunt’s nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though. *whispers* Eunuch.

Sora: Where’d that last one come from?

Will: My name is Will Turner. My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner. His blood runs in my veins.

Twigg: He’s the spitting image of old Bootstrap Bill! Come back to haunt us! Because Legolas and Erik Selvig look exactly the fucking same!

Will: On my word do as I say, or I’ll pull this trigger and be lost to Davey Jones’s locker!

Jacoby: The trigger that’s pointed at the floor?

Will: Shut up!

Duckmin: And boy is it obvious that the sequels haven’t happened yet with that line…

Captain Barbossa: Name your terms, Mr. Turner.

Will: Elizabeth goes free!

Captain Barbossa: Yes, we know that one. Anything else?

Captain Jack Sparrow: *points to himself*

Will: *motions toward Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy* And the crew! The crew are not to be harmed.

Captain Jack Sparrow: *points at himself some more*

Captain Barbossa: …Agreed. Heartless, go nuts!

Will: Barbossa, you lying bastard! You swore she’d go free and the others wouldn’t be harmed!

Captain Barbossa: Don’t dare impugn me honor, boy! I agreed she’d go free but it was you who failed to specify when or where. Also we never agreed whether or not Pete or the Heartless would come out to play…

Pete: It’s a bad sign when you’re so pathetically weak that I can sneak up behind you somehow to knock you out and carry you off.

Sora: Oh no. Heartless. How will I ever survive—OH COME ON, HOW AM I TIED UP WITH THESE GOOBERS.

Pete: Yeah, you love it!

Elizabeth: This is still going better than the movie version, though.

Sora: …Why am I still obsessed with pirates after this, why are pirates so amazingly awesome.

Random pirate: It’s going back on our word with Will to even set up these powder kegs, but who even cares, you have to be a pirate for the pirate’s code to apply and Turner is only half Turner anyway so he doesn’t count.

Captain Barbossa: All right, time for everyone to piss off! *everyone leaves except for those tied up below deck*

Duckmin: What now? It’s not like me or Sora could conceivably use fire and/or just summon our weapon to instantly get us out of this situation!

Goofy: Sometimes I hate in-game cutscenes, either they make us unreasonably more competent or the exact fucking opposite.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Not to worry, I have a cunning plan.

Sora: Oh this has me bathed in confidence.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Dude I have a knife in me pocket.

Sora: …Oh.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Now what’s say we prevent this lovely little ship from blowing up, eh?

Sora: OKAY, I ADORE PIRATES AGAIN.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I knew you would.

Elizabeth: They’ve rigged the ship with explosives! And by that I mean there are four or five barrels on the deck that you can kick into the water where they’ll explode harmlessly! Who knows what else they’ve done besides nothing?! Please be careful!

Sora: *runs up on deck and knocks all the powder kegs overboard* …That’s it? I don’t even have to fight the multitude of Heartless? They’re all just magically gone now?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Good enough for me. *runs to the help* That’s the second time I’ve had to watch that man sail away with my ship. And this time they didn’t leave me with any rum. Why is the rum always gone.

Sora: Children’s game.

Captain Jack Sparrow: And what kind of excuse is that?! Dumbo had booze and it’s still considered a children’s classic! *pulls into the Isla de Muerta* Lass, either grab a sword and a better outfit, or stay in your corset and on the ship.

Elizabeth: No, I want to not suck at everything!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Then do one of the things I just said.

Elizabeth: I…

Sora: Just leave it to the men, okay, we’ll solve all your problems for you like always.

Elizabeth: Hurg… *follows orders only because the game is worse than the movie*

Sora: *sees another Absent Silhouette* Holy shit! Larxene!

Duckmin: Who?

Sora: I don’t know. *goes back onto the Interceptor to stock up on more Potions*

Duckmin: Teaming up with Heartless…that’s sinking pretty low even for pirates! It looks like we have no choice now but to settle things on the Isla de Muerta!

Captain Jack Sparrow: My bet is Barbossa’s on the Isla de Muerta, trying to lift the curse. We’d best hurry!

Goofy: Will was captured trying to help us. I know our enemies are lying in wait for us, but we can’t just abandon him!

Elizabeth: I wish I could go with you, but the game’s making me stick to the dress and corset instead of allowing me to actually help out…Please bring Will back. They’re probably holding him in the back of that cave, where they held me.

Sora: Yeah, that’s great. *goes and fights his way to the treasure hoard*

Jacoby: No reason to fret. Just a prick of the finger, a few drops of blood—

Twigg: No mistakes this time. He’s only half Turner. We spill it all!

Jacoby: …Guess there is a reason to fret.

Captain Barbossa: Let’s just skip to the end this time. Begun by blood, by blood und…

Sora: Yeah, we’re still alive.

Will: Jack!

Captain Barbossa: It’s not possible.

Duckmin: Not probable.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You stole my line, you git!

Sora: You best start believing in anime now, Barbossa...You're in one!

Captain Jack Sparrow: ...Okay that steal was pretty good. Also don’t announce yourselves by name, it makes me look like I’ve got the biggest bunch of losers for a crew—

Sora: Sora!

Duckmin: Duckmin Duck!

Goofy: Goofy, too!

Captain Jack Sparrow: …There will be no living with them after this.

Captain Barbossa: Okay, everyone dogpile them at the same time.

Sora: We beat them offscreen with the power of cutscene magic!

Will: I’m apparently free now!

Goofy: Where’s Jack?

Sora: Fighting Barbossa over there.

Captain Barbossa: *knocks Jack down and drops his sword* Ye can’t beat me, Jack.

Captain Jack Sparrow: *stands up and plunges his sword through Barbossa*

Captain Barbossa: *sighs heavily, takes out the sword, and plunges it through Jack*

Captain Jack Sparrow: *slowly backs up into the moonlight, where it is revealed that he, too, had a skeleton inside of him the whole time. Also that he was cursed*

Captain Barbossa: …Gwah?

Captain Jack Sparrow: *examines his new skeletal hand in the moonlight* That’s interesting. *makes a coin dance along his finger bones* Couldn’t resist, mate.

Will: You’ve been planning this from the beginning. Ever since you learned my name.

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Yeah.

Captain Barbossa: …Holy fuck does everything work better when you add music and lines from the actual movie and when you pull off badass moves like that instead of Sora distracting you with encouragement.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I know, everything’s a bit dull when you don’t do that and when you fuck everything up with your changes. *knocks over some treasure in the ensuing continued swordfight* Sorry!

Captain Barbossa: *collapses against a moonlit rock* So what now, Jack Sparrow, are we to be two immortals locked in an epic battle until judgment day and trumpets sound? Hmm?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Or you could surrender.

Captain Barbossa: Fuck this noise. Pete! Do the thing!

Pete: A team-up with a boss Heartless, eh? That’ll go over as well as the fight with Clayton did, I’m sure. We’ve even got another disappearing lizard type to do the job! *whistles and summons Illuminator*

Illuminator: *eyes flash before he sucks all the light out of the room*

Sora: You’d think the overall theme concerning light versus darkness would make this boss a much bigger deal, but apparently it’s just a throwaway enemy. *runs up to where the glowing eyes are on the wall, beats the shit out of it, then wounds Barbossa whenever he’s under moonlight and continues the pattern until both of them are dead for good* ...WHY DOESN'T HE JUST STAY OUT OF THE MOONLIGHT, HE MUST KNOW BY NOW WE CAN HURT HIM WHEN HE'S A SKELETON.

Pete: …I’m just gonna run away again now… *runs away again now*

Will: Why am I standing triumphantly beside you lot, I did nothing.

Captain Jack Sparrow: *puts the coin in his hand, slices said hand, then throws the coin in Will’s general direction*

Captain Barbossa: *points pistol at Sora*

Gunshot: *is heard*

Captain Barbossa: *looks back at Jack and the smoking pistol he’s holding* Ten years you carry that pistol, now you waste your shot.

Will: He didn’t waste it! *drops both bloody coins from his own bleeding hand*

Captain Barbossa: *drops his sword and pistol and opens his shirt to see the blood spewing out of the gunshot wound* Heh. I feel…cold. *collapses and an apple falls out of his hand*

Sora: …It’s official. We definitely just watched another human die. I, uh, I need time to process this.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Why’s that, lad? Death is just a natural part of life, and you’ll be seeing it a lot if you end up a true pirate.

Sora: I don’t want to deal with dead bodies because…it just makes you feel all super uncomfortable and not in your comfort zone, at all.

Captain Jack Sparrow: But that’s…Your comfort zone?

Sora: …Because, like—

Captain Jack Sparrow: Your comfort zone.

Sora: We’ve just never really dealt with death, not permanently and not of actual people, it’s never really come up—

Captain Jack Sparrow: Do you need your blankie to deal with all these dead bodies?

Sora: I might need the blankie—

Captain Jack Sparrow: I wash my hands of this weirdness. *exits the cave*

Will: *follows them all back outside* What’s the plan now, Jack?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Well, then. I confess. It is my intention to commandeer back my own ship, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out. Then I'm gonna go rob some French people, but don't worry, I'll do it in a cheeky, fun way that makes it seem like I'm not a violent psychopath. It'll be all goofy, the kids'll laugh, it'll be fun.

Will: …You have fun with that.

Sora: Yeah, screw those law-abiding assholes!

Duckmin: Just try to err on the side of…Iunno, not Barbossa?

Captain Jack Sparrow: That can indeed be done.

Elizabeth: Will! *runs right past Jack’s outstretched arms and into Will’s*

Captain Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: *turns to him*

Captain Jack Sparrow: It would never have worked between us, darling. I’m sorry. *turns to leave*

Sora: …I actually don’t mind the romance in this movie so much. Mainly because it didn’t devolve into the love square that was the next two movies.

Goofy: Fair enough. Wait, why are you blushing?

Sora: Why do you think?

Duckmin: You really miss her, don’t you?

Sora: It’s true.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Why is my compass suddenly all glowy and floaty?

Sora: Seriously, you’d think it would’ve been the Black Pearl herself or something. *unlocks a new Gummi route* …Random thought. Duckmin, if you were to steal any of the treasure back there—

Duckmin: Absolutely everything except the cursed chest.

Goofy: I was gonna say…

Sora: I’m gonna equip Follow The Wind to Master whenever I get it. And that’s the note we leave the planet on, huh… *glances at Jiminy’s Journal* Wait, why are there suddenly more puzzle pieces—THE PEARL! *goes back and grabs the ones he can actually physically reach at this point in time*

Duckmin: This ship may look old, but she sure is fast. If you need to rest, you can use the captain’s room below.

Goofy: Jack seems to think of this ship almost as a friend. We’d better prepare ourselves, so no harm comes to it.

Sora: Yeah, it’s a pretty nice ship…but I still prefer the Jackdaw or even the Morrigan, you could actually climb on those. Or the Going Merry.

Y Ruler of Time: I’M DEVELOPING AN EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO A BOAT!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Wherever we want to go, we go. That’s what a ship is, you know. It’s not just a keel and a haul and a deck and sails, that’s what a ship needs. But what a ship is…What the Black Pearl really is…Is freedom.

Sora: Good description, right there. *heads back to Port Royal to level up a little bit*

Elizabeth: When Barbossa captured me, I didn’t want him to find out I was the governor’s daughter. That’s why I told him the name Turner. I had no idea it would lead to all that!

Will: I found something strange. It’s a board with wheels on it. Think you could use it?

Sora: I’ll try. *tries the thing where you go through all the things before time runs out* Damn it, 31:03, I probably needed to get it under thirty…Oh, under forty? WELL NEVER MIND THEN! BOOSH! *gets up to level thirty-eight* …I’m bored, I’m going to Agrabah. *leaves to go to Agrabah after unlocking both Gummi Ship missions*

~Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!~

Chapter Text

~…I love Aladdin as much as the next Disney fangirl, but, Iunno, all this overexposure in every single game is making me kind of annoyed with it.~

Agrabah title card: Don’t be like that, we have a whole new layout this time! A whole new world, you might say!

Player: Hurg.

Iago: *exhaustedly flying into Agrabah* Finally! This is terrific! I got sand in places I didn’t even know I had! *lands on a new platform-type-thing*

Duckmin: Yay, here again. Why am I annoyed.

Goofy: Maybe we’re starting to get a little burnt out by this point.

Sora: RIKU MIGHT BE WITH ALADDIN AND/OR JASMINE, WE SHOULD CHECK WITH THEM AND ASK.

Goofy: Somehow I doubt it.

Duckmin: Yeah, didn’t Riku kidnap Jasmine? I know he did it to try to save Kairi, but it still might be hard for them to look past that.

Sora: Well I’ve ignored the part where we were looking for them for an entire planet so I felt like spontaneously remembering this time.

Duckmin: Okay, fine, sure, why not.

Goofy: …Iago’s flying along behind us right now.

Sora: Murdering time?

Duckmin: Murdering time.

Iago: Please don’t.

Duckmin: Give us one good reason why we shouldn’t!

Iago: You forgave Riku when he regretted his actions! Now it’s my turn!

Sora: But do you really, though? I mean, Riku helped us defeat Ansem and close the door to darkness in the end, you kinda just flew up and told us you were good again. Words are wind, Iago, we need proof.

Iago: Me manning up and asking people with huge weapons when I’m unarmed for forgiveness isn’t good enough for you?

Duckmin: Not really, you can still fly away pretty easily.

Iago: I was stuck in the lamp you put Jafar into in the middle of the fucking desert, and even though genies can’t kill people you’d be surprised what you can live through!

Sora: Hey everyone, let’s laugh at the torture victim!

Duckmin: Way ahead of ya!

Goofy: Or we could not. That thing about Riku actually makes a lot of fucking sense and the poor guy must be traumatized from being stuck in such a shitty, shitty living space when he’s not even a magical being.

Iago: Okay, you’re nice, I’m only gonna talk to you. Erm…Maybe if I apologize to Jasmine and Aladdin, that’ll start my road to redemption!

Goofy: It is a good start. Come on, guys, what do you think?

Iago: Actually, before you decide my fate, you should know that there are Bandit Heartless right over there.

Sora: Oh, that’s actually really useful. *kills a bunch of them until the time runs out* Not that I’m complaining about the constant respawning, but why are they constantly respawning?

Iago: I know that only the Keyblade can release hearts, but if I drop shit on them they’ll still technically be destroyed, right? *drops vases and boxes on the Heartless* And I got more where that came from!

Sora: Well they’re not destroyed but they’re down for the moment. Guys, let’s run away, something that we weren’t able to do before for some reason!

Iago: Come on, into where the peddler’s shop used to be/still is! *leads them inside*

Goofy: Those Heartless would’ve been constantly respawning forever if Iago hadn’t activated his cutscene powers!

Sora: This is somehow true.

Iago: So you’ll help me talk to Aladdin and Jasmine?

Sora: Sure, but you’ll have to actually win their trust on your own.

Iago: Not a problem! I’ll just get Aladdin on my side with a little sympathy act! Then I’ll be back in the palace again quicker than you can say “Easy street.”

Duckmin: Why are we doing this again.

Goofy: Where can we find Aladdin and Jasmine these days, anyway.

Iago: Well the manga actually followed the “You have to marry a prince/whoever you deem worthy thing by your next birthday/in three days” thing from the first movie so they’re already married in that version, but in this version I actually have to be a good guy before the Aladdin and the King of Thieves movie so they’re dating but he still kind of lives at the palace.

Sora: Awesome, maybe we’ll get to see the interior this time!

Duckmin and Goofy: No we won’t.

Sora: No we won’t.

Duckmin: Look at this place, it’s filthy! What is this, a garbage dump? Wait a minute, this is a store! Who would want to shop here?

Moogle: You don’t really have to, kupo, this is just where I’m being stored for this planet, kupo.

Iago: If it wasn’t for what happened last time, Aladdin and Jasmine wouldn’t be together. So in a way, I’m responsible for that! I’m sure they’ll forgive me.

Goofy: It seems Aladdin is at the palace. I hope everything’s okay. I’d like to see Genie again, now that he’s free from the lamp.

Sora: *goes outside* Damn it, I wanted to fight more shit, but if the others are just walking around casually then I know this place is safe, at least for now. Man, Last of Us must’ve taken notes from this game.

Duckmin: Remember when Aladdin fell for Princess Jasmine?

Sora: Considering how we had to relive it twice, quite vividly, actually.

Duckmin: We had one heck of a time stopping Jafar from taking over the palace!

Sora: Sure did…

Goofy: If we pass under this rubble, we should reach the palace. We’d better follow Iago, so we don’t get lost.

Sora: …How could we possibly miss it, it’s right there.

Iago: The palace is right over there, see? That palace of gold? Shining, sparkling, metallic? And a little bit phallic? Take a look and you’ll agree! Someone’s bound to be there. Thanks for taking me under your wing!

Sora: Uh-huh. *goes to the palace* Hey, Jasmine!

Jasmine: Hi, Sora, Duckmin, Goofy.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *all bow down to her*

Duckmin: Oh sure, you’ll bow to her but not our queen.

Sora: Hey, anyone who can realize that Prince Ali is Aladdin because he was just wearing different clothes is competent enough for me.

Jasmine: Yo, I never had the chance to thank you for rescuing me from that alien planet that I somehow got back to. Which I’m choosing to forget in favor of you guys helping to defeat Jafar which Aladdin could’ve done on his own without the boss fight anyway.

Sora: Yeah, we really do enjoy stealing credit for other people’s achievements. You should’ve seen what we did in China…

Iago: Should I come out? Nah, I’ll hide behind Goofy for a little bit longer.

Sora: So what’s with the Heartless being back?

Jasmine: Oh, they’ve been back for, like, the entire past year while we were rebuilding.

Sora: Need any help with that?

Jasmine: Nah, Aladdin rejected the idea of bringing back the Genie to instantly fix everything just so he could rebuild Agrabah with his own hands and those of the people who actually live in the city, so he’ll probably reject outside help as well.

Sora:Why.

Jasmine: I imagine it’s a matter of pride. Though he’s kind of been off in any case. I think he’s trying to put up a front while inwardly battling depression. It’s not healthy. He leaves the palace and even the city all the time. I’ve asked if he’s been stealing back from thieves and throwing the treasure out into the streets to help the more impoverished people in our land, but he says he hasn’t done that in a while.

Lanipator: He says “Give me my fucking space, bitch.”

Jasmine: And for some reason I’m kind of worried that one day he won’t come back. Whether I’m worried that he’ll leave because he doesn’t love me anymore or because he’ll die out there is kind of up in the air.

Iago: I instantly suspect he’s having an affair! I’ll go get some pictures!

Jasmine: …Am I reacting to Iago’s presence, or what he said. Either way, I’m going to alert every nonexistent person not in the castle right now as to your whereabouts!

Sora: Actually, about that — And she’s already gone into the palace where we’ll never be able to follow her. Of course.

Goofy: Way to fuck it up, Iago.

Iago: Well there goes that first impression…

Goofy: Maybe Aladdin will be more understanding. Or at least stick around for more than two seconds for an explanation.

Sora: He does still have the option of joining the party whenever so it’s less likely he’ll run off. And we can check up on him for Jasmine’s sake at the same time. *leads the way back into Agrabah*

Abu: *runs past while holding a black lamp*

Peddler: You’d think now that he lives in the palace he would’ve stopped all this bullshit.

Aladdin: Hey, guys, we’ll catch up in a bit, okay? *also runs past*

Peddler: I hate these two so fucking much… *also also runs past*

Sora: HEY we found Aladdin. That was disturbingly easy… *follows them*

Peddler: We need to install leash laws for monkeys.

Aladdin: I’ll take it up with the Sultan. *turns to Abu* …You are holding a black lamp that looks exactly like the lamp we sealed Jafar into a year ago which would be extremely hard to forget about. I will not be suspicious of this at all. *takes it and gives it back to the peddler* Damn, at least in the manga I had the good sense to try rubbing it with the excuse that I was getting some excess sand off of it to make sure it was a fake and not Jafar’s lamp.

Peddler: True, you sure are shaping up to be a huge dumbass this time around. *stalks off*

Aladdin: ...I wonder if the dev team for this game was ever told that that dude is actually canonically the Genie. Probably not, considering. *turns to his monkey* Abu, I choose to blame you for my sudden portrayal as an incompetent buffoon.

Abu: *runs away from Aladdin’s stupidity…by running towards Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy. Yeah, that’ll clear that up*

Aladdin: ‘Sup, nerds. Sorry, I’ve been trying to train Abu out of stealing shit, but he’s conditioned to steal everything anyway.

Sora: Because you conditioned him that way.

Aladdin: Well yeah, gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, amirite?

Sora: No, you're just a terrible person.

Aladdin: Gwah?

Sora: The movie never makes Abu's particular monkey type explicit but the internet's best guess is a Capuchin, monkeys that typically live in groups of ten to thirty, typically in a forest, none of which is true for Abu, who lives in the street, with a LOSER! I said it! That's no place for a little monkey! Like, just, naturally, that's no place for a monkey to live. Where would his habitat be in Agrabah. I submit that you went somewhere else, chimp-napped that little monkey since we know you have no problem stealing, and then immediately trained it to follow a life of crime. And like follow that life hard. You steal to eat and live, but Abu has a problem. You stole a monkey from his family and you made him a crime monkey, Aladdin, that is...you're bad for doing it. It is the stance of this parody that you are bad.

Abu: *tries to indicate that he was getting Jafar’s lamp out of what was clearly the wrong hands*

Aladdin: I don’t understand you when you talk like that.

Sora: At any rate, you don’t seem depressed, or is that just part of your mask?

Aladdin: I know that denying it will accomplish nothing, but I don’t have enough of the symptoms to be considered depressed, I don’t think. Who even came to that conclusion?

Goofy: Your…fiancée? You’re always spending time away from her—

Aladdin: Because I’ve been rebuilding Agrabah from when huge sandstorms kept barreling into it for the past year and she knows this?

Duckmin: We thought you might be having an affair.

Aladdin: Nah, even though I could actually afford to go to a brothel now, a woman who can be bought is not a woman worth having.

Sora: You smooth motherfucker.

Aladdin: But I am kinda sad because Genie and Carpet fucked off and I miss them.

Sora: Thought Carpet stuck around.

Aladdin: Not in this version apparently. Obviously now that Genie’s free he’d want to get as far away from the desert as possible but I still miss the old bastard.

Goofy: That makes complete and total sense, how did Jasmine not think of this.

Sora: So how much less fun has everyone been having now that the show-stealer’s gone?

Aladdin: You have no idea. That’s part of the reason I keep coming down here. I always wanted to be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all, but it’s actually surprisingly boring up there. Here, there are nonexistent people for me to not hang around with! Hell, I don’t think I would’ve ran into you guys if I didn’t leave the palace!

Sora: …Actually, we totally just came from the palace.

Aladdin: Sh-Shaddup!

Goofy: …So Iago seems to be having a PTSD flashback over there.

Aladdin: I am unsympathetic.

Sora: Aw come on, he’s been trapped in Jafar’s lamp for like a year.

Aladdin: Oh. Point.

Goofy: Seriously, I think one of us should help him.

Aladdin:

Sora:

Duckmin:

Goofy: …Well don’t everyone leap up at once.

Iago: THAT LAMP IS JAFAR’S LAMP HOW DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE IT.

Aladdin: I am disbelief.

Iago: HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE EVEN TESTED IT OUT.

Aladdin: It’s fine.

Iago: IT’S NOT FINE, YOU THINK I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE THE THING I WAS TRAPPED IN FOR A WHOLE YEAR, OF COURSE I KNOW IT’S JAFAR’S LAMP.

Abu: *does the Dance of I Fucking Told You So*

Aladdin: …Okay, we better get that lamp back then.

Sora: That’s probably a good idea. Goofy, you’re out.

Goofy: Gotcha.

Sora: *fights a bunch of Heartless everywhere before heading to the peddler’s store* Yo, how much for the lamp?

Peddler: How much are you willing to pay?

Sora: You wanna buy a duck?

Duckmin: WAK!

Aladdin: It’s times like this I wish I could steal shit again.

Duckmin: …Dude, we have, like, the entire palace treasury at our disposal, don’t we? What’s the big deal?

Sora: For some reason this is a bad idea and you should shut up now.

Duckmin: Well how else would we have paid for it aside from munny?!

Peddler: My mad bargaining skillz are now set to max. How about a different lamp that isn’t even in this room?

Sora: No, we’ll take the one we can actually see.

Peddler: …It costs the hugest fucking shiny thing you can find, I wanna make the Sultan jealous.

Sora: Dude, you seem like a nice guy, fuck your job, fuck your company, fuck your product. *leaves with the other two empty handed*

Aladdin: I don’t know why I waited outside during all of that, but I honestly don’t know where we’re gonna get the kind of thing he wants.

Duckmin: PALACE TREASURE. YOU ARE MARRYING INTO ROYALTY. ALSO THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY. THEY WILL UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO SEE THIS THROUGH.

Aladdin: I’m not married to Jasmine yet and I don’t want to worry anyone.

Duckmin: WHAT PART OF NATIONAL SECURITY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Iago: There’s shiny shit in the Tiger Head Cave that for some reason won’t turn to lava when you touch it anymore, right?

Aladdin: Hey yeah, we can steal shit after all! If this works, Iago, I’m gonna owe you one big time! I’ll make sure you get a fair hearing!

Iago: *sputters in protest*

Sora: *checks in to see if the peddler’s changed his mind*

Iago: You’re going to look for treasure in the Cave of Wonders, right? That means you’ll be heading into the desert. That place is a bit too dangerous for my tastes, but if it’ll help you earn my trust…

Peddler: I won’t part with this lamp unless you can offer me a fortune! You know, the kind, say, stored in palaces, or buried in deserts…

Sora: …Well that’s oddly specific. *makes his way to the outskirts of Agrabah, killing everything in his wake*

Iago: The Cave of Wonders is full of traps. You’ll need to do more than just fight your way through.

Duckmin: I bet we can find enough treasure at the Cave of Wonders to satisfy that peddler. The question is, will there be enough treasure to satisfy me…?

Sora: Duckmin, we have over twelve thousand munny and keep getting more and more the more we level up and steal from dead Heartless carcasses. We don’t need to steal from this place.

Goofy: Something bothers me about the look in Duckmin’s eyes. Maybe we should switch out? I can still throw potions at your face!

Sora: That’s actually a good idea. Sorry, Duckmin, but this is for your own good.

Duckmin: I’ll be back in the cutscenes, you piece of shit!

Sora: Sure you will.

Duckmin: Yeah, I’m the best!

Goofy: No, I’m the best!

Duckmin: I helped.

Goofy: No you didn’t.

Duckmin: I got seven munny!

Goofy: You got seven munny worth of bullshit.

Aladdin: The Cave of Wonders is over there, where those sinister-looking clouds are. It’s dangerous to go alone, but we should be all right if we take a shitton of health items. And also if we go together, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

Sora: …So the Cave of Wonders is still around without the need of beetle pendant halves and anyone can go in, not just diamonds in the rough?

Aladdin: Still the same rules as always, yes. Hell, you should’ve seen the people who could go freely in and out over the past year! Also Pete.

Sora: …Did…Did no one see the movie? Because lack of continuity is a failure of the game designer.

Game designers: Rule of Cool, fuck off.

Sora: Fine, that’s fair I guess. *goes into the desert*

Pete: *walks down into the Tiger Head Cave right before the others show up* Good thing I can still go down here whenever I want. You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson the last time I was here but I barely remember half of what happened there anyway.

Iago: Well that walking took no time at all, and I can’t tell if it’s suddenly nighttime or if it’s the work of those sinister looking clouds, but it sure is dark all of a sudden. Also the Tiger Head Cave is up and fully operational and non-confrontational with no preparation needed.

Sora: The logistics of this planet are so fucking confusing. *enters the Tiger Head Cave* …A bunch of glowy squares jutting out of the sand with a bunch of other floaty rectangles floating in the air above us? This, uh, this is not how it was in either the movie or the setting from the past year which I spontaneously know about somehow. Also I forgot how much I fucking hate Fat Bandits. *goes into the next area* …There’s a jewel floating in front of my face. And apparently we have to insert it into that hole in the floor over there.

Abu: *grabs the jewel before anyone can figure out what to do*

Room: *stops magically cascading water upwards and throws down several statues that throw giant chunks of ice at Abu and also cause the floor to jut out and try to attack him*

Sora: *gets rid of the ice and orders Abu forward and to jump until Abu is able to put the jewel in the slot*

Monkey statue blocking the way: *disappears*

Sora: …That happened.

Iago: That statue must have guarded the treasure from would-be lookers all these years. Which is why it only magically appeared this year. Like, just now. Anyway, don’t forget that I’m here to help you, so long as it’s not too dangerous.

Sora: *runs into the next area where he has to fight through round after round of Heartless while the floor disappears beneath him* I unironically love this challenge, too bad it only nets you like four hundred EXP each time you go through it, I need way more than that at this point and I’m not even level forty yet.

Sign: Well done. You entered a room. *opens the door to the treasury*

Sora: Okay, now this resembles the movie a little bit. *walks through the literal piles of treasure to see a giant golden trophy as tall as Aladdin with a bunch of jewels jutting out of it*

Aladdin: That one. He’ll want that one. And if he doesn’t we’re boned.

Duckmin: *runs up to collect it*

Pete: *enters the room* How did you people get in front of me?! And why is the layout so different from all throughout this year, anyway.

Duckmin: …I wanna keep it for myself.

Sora: Nope, that one’s plot-relevant. Go grab a fistful of coins or something, there are apparently no consequences.

Aladdin: NOW TO GET JAFAR’S LAMP BACK FROM THE PEDDLER IN THE SHOP NEXT TO THE PALACE!

Pete: …I now have a cunning plan.

Aladdin: IF JAFAR GETS LOOSE, WHO KNOWS THE HAVOC HE WILL UNLEASH UPON AGRABAH!

Sora: …Why are you yelling plot points?

Aladdin: Oh, no point in particular. It’s just important information that everyone should know. *looks over his shoulder* Especially you.

Iago: Me and the monkey would also like to take this statue with us for our own personal use of staring at shineys.

Duckmin: You two disgust me. The monkey statue isn’t even that aesthetically pleasing. Now the jewel he’s carrying, on the other hand…

Aladdin: Duckmin no.

Duckmin: Duckmin yes!

Pete: Ah fuck this noise. Nox. *snaps his fingers, causing the light to mostly go out around them and causing Heartless to appear*

Duckmin: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Sora: *fights round after round of Heartless until the game says he’s done, and then is magically teleported with the others back to the peddler’s shop* OH THANK MERLIN WE DIDN’T HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK.

Aladdin: Yo, we got your statue shoved up one of our asses and ready to go, where you at?

Pete: How did you miss us, we were right outside and I’m flat-out trying to steal this shit.

Peddler: You most certainly are not!

Pete: Am too!

Peddler: Are not!

Pete: Am too!

Peddler: Are not!

Pete: Am too!

Sora: *exits the shop with Duckmin, Goofy, and Aladdin to see Pete chasing the peddler all around Agrabah, still arguing* I can just tell that a boss fight is about to happen. Time to buy supplies from an actual responsible shopkeeper first! *goes back inside to talk to the Moogle and get all of the Potions*

Aladdin: That guy chasing the peddler was the one causing you trouble, right? Nothing good will come of that lamp being stolen. We’d better hurry, Sora!

Goofy: The peddler ran off with the lamp towards the palace! We’d better be careful. We might have to face Pete again!

Duckmin: So Pete’s come to this world, too! He must be after that lamp! We’d better catch him before he gets it!

Sora: …Where the fuck’s Iago?

Iago: *is still outside the city walls* It doesn’t look like that Pete guy’s over here. He must’ve gone to the palace. Shouldn’t you hurry up and chase him?

Sora: Well thanks for leaving a lookout in any case. Let’s see…Still level thirty-eight, but fuck it. *goes to the palace*

Peddler: Are not!

Pete: Am too! *steals lamp finally*

Peddler: Are not! *steals it back*

Pete: Suddenly my sound effects are annoyingly cartoonish.

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, Aladdin, and Iago: And this is why you’ll never be a credible villain.

Pete: Am to!

Peddler: Are not!

Pete: You’re short! *steals it and prevents the peddler from getting it back* Bitch!

Iago: Who’s the bitch now? *steals lamp*

Aladdin: …Okay, that was hype.

Sora: Keep going!

Duckmin: We all instantly trust you now!

Goofy: …You could try flying more vertically, though…

Iago: Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan. *flies right at the wall but turns at the last second so both Pete and the peddler run into the wall*

Peddler: I’m out.

Pete: I’m not.

Iago: BOOSH! *flies into a different wall*

Duckmin and Goofy: …Really?

Pete: *picks up lamp that Iago just dropped* Ha HA! And there’s nothing to conveniently drop in at the worst possible moment to screw this up for me now!

Genie: *flies into the palace square from above* WAZZUP, BITCHES! *glomps Pete* Al, I can’t believe how much you’ve grown in such a short length of time! I’ve traveled East and West and now I’m back again, ‘cause there’s nothing in the world quite like a friend!

Aladdin: Uh, Genie?

Genie: *still staring at Pete* You’ve put on a few pounds, haven’t you. Gasp! Don’t tell me you’re pregnant! Oh, how they grow up so fast, I couldn’t be prouder! I get to be godfather, right? Please let me be godfather! *backs off slightly* …Am I being annoying? Be honest, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable…AH FUCK IT, I WANT TO HUG YOU AND SQUEEZE YOU AND CALL YOU GEORGE FOR SOME REASON. *glomps Pete again*

Aladdin: Still over here, doucheface.

Genie: …I knew that. *drops Pete*

Pete: …That’s it, you’re dealing with two boss Heartless this time.

Genie: Al! *glomps the actual Aladdin this time, who glomps him back* Oh, Sora’s here too, that’s nice. Hey, why didn’t you ever summon me last game?

Sora: What would’ve been the point?

Genie: Touché.

Pete: HEY! FUCK ALL Y’ALL! *summons Blizzard Lord and Volcanic Lord*

Sora: *bouncing them around and creating smaller Heartless out of the bigger Heartless until all the Heartless are destroyed* Well that was appallingly easy as far as bosses are concerned…Why didn’t Genie help us fight these things?

Pete: …SEE YOU TWO PLANETS FROM NOW OKAY BYE! *fucks off again*

Genie: That sure was a thing you guys did that I sat on the sidelines for for absolutely no reason!

Abu: *is suddenly flying on the Carpet because why the fuck not*

Iago: I got Jafar’s lamp, no one worry about that shit.

Genie: And now we are randomly in a dungeon.

Goofy: You really think a stone chest covered by a stone slab locked in a cell is gonna protect the lamp?

Aladdin: It’s fine, it’s not like there are secret passageways in and out of these cells or anything! *helps Sora cover up the lamp*

Iago: And now we’re outside again. And since I helped you guys out and all, you’re gonna gimme another chance, right?

Jasmine: Well…

Genie: I’d kinda advise against it.

Jasmine: Eh, we could use another wacky sidekick for the cartoon. And he’ll ditch us for Kasim by the time the wedding happens, I’m good with that.

Genie: This is true.

Sora: Hey, whenever a villain decides to turn into a good guy, it always works out every time, so everything’s gonna be fine!

Genie: I am instantly convinced that this was a good decision.

Jasmine: What’re you gonna do now, Sora?

Sora: Go to another planet, one’s already available so we don’t really need another route to unlock, really. Also Riku and the King. Still paramount.

Genie: Hopefully Jasmine didn’t just get horrible flashbacks from your mentioning of Riku.

Sora: She seems fine…

Duckmin: Where’s Aladdin, anyway, I don’t remember him leaving the party.

Jasmine: Abu really needs to get under control somehow, I used to think he was cute but now he’s starting to get really annoying.

Genie: You three mind sticking around until he gets back? Actually, forget that, I’ll just go get him right now! *Disapparates*

Aladdin: ABU’S GOT THAT GEM HE WAS STARING AT DOWN IN THE TIGER HEAD CAVE, I DON’T KNOW HOW HE’S ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO FIT SO MUCH INTO THAT TINY VEST. YOU GUYS, DOGPILE HIM!

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *all jump on Abu*

Abu: *is somehow not killed by this*

Aladdin: The camera has cut to me. And as soon as it cuts back to you, you will all be standing again.

Duckmin: I HAVE THE GEM NOW, ME!

Goofy: It is pretty shiny, isn’t it.

Duckmin: Meh, we’ve seen shinier. *throws it away*

Sora: No one fell for that, it’s clearly behind your back right now.

Duckmin: YOU HAVE BEEN PICKING UP SHINY ROCKS THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME. YOU HAVE MYTHRIL FOR MERLIN’S SAKE.

Sora: That’s used to make useful shit, you fucking sack of dogshit!

Duckmin: Well who cares, it’s clearly a good thing Abu took it since it’s now glowy and floaty.

Sora: So it is. *unlocks a new route* Do you guys see the same clouds that I do, or…?

Aladdin: I legit don’t know what I just saw.

Sora: Ah well, time to leave apparently.

Jasmine: You’re coming back, though, right?

Sora: Well we still have over half the game left so I’d say probably.

Aladdin: Cool.

Sora: And apparently looking up at the sky summons the Gummi ship or something. Sure. Why the fuck not.

Genie: You can now summon me, by the way. And I have as many forms of transformation as you do.

Sora: How ‘bout that. Might as well level you up, I guess.

~Wow, no new Keyblade this time, that’s different.~

Pluto: *walking around in the World That Never Was which how the fuck did he get there*

Axel: You’d think I’d be a bit more sneaky, but you’d be wrong. *walks down a dark alley and summons a Dark Corridor* What was I even doing there, anyway. *goes through it*

Pluto: *tries to jump through it but it fades before he can*

Whistle: *isn’t heard by us humans*

Pluto: *turns around and sees another Dark Corridor open up behind him so he quickly runs into it*

~…That’s Kairi’s new outfit, huh? Sometimes I forget how much Nomura likes belts and zippers…~

Kairi: Okay, I remembered who Sora was, time to go to the island again.

Axel: Sounds good to me! In fact, why don’t I join you? Or you could go somewhere else entirely, maybe? *appears before her* There’s literally nowhere in the universe you can’t go to if you put your mind to it. Got it memorized?

Kairi: …Who the fuck are you?

Axel: Axel. I know Sora. Sort of. We’ve…met. Wanna go see him?

Kairi: I am mistrustful yet curious.

Pluto: *is also there now*

Kairi: PUPPEH!

Axel: *summons a bunch of Dusks* How do I still have control over weaker Nobodies after leaving the Organization. Also why am I trying to attack you when I could probably just talk to you about missing the people we love and want to not see get hurt anymore than they already have. Eh, let’s go with the theory that I’m in a hurry and don’t have time for your shit or something. Or that I recognize the dog from the scene in the Days manga that didn’t happen in the game and am therefore reacting accordingly.

Whistle: *is heard by everyone*

Different Dark Corridor: *opens up again*

Pluto: *indicates to Kairi that she should go through that one*

Axel: No don’t go there, come with me, your friend by association!

Kairi: I’ll decide that for myself, thanks. *follows Pluto into the Dark Corridor* …Well this didn’t look how I expected it to. It’s all light blue with Nobody insignias everywhere.

Whistle: *is heard*

Kairi: And now it’s orange-ish with a light at the end of the tunnel.

Pluto: *runs into the light*

Kairi: *follows him but turns around at the last second and sees a guy in an Organization jacket* …You’re not that guy I just met.

Riku: No I am not.

Dark Corridor: *closes*

Hayner: You okay, lady?

Kairi: …Why am I on the ground, I was just standing. *sits up* What just happened?

Pence: You and that dog came through a portal in the wall of our meeting place. It was kind of hype, actually.

Kairi: Huh…

~BUT ENOUGH OF THAT ACTUAL PLOT FOREVER.~

Chip: Not only is Pride Rock available if you want to skip ahead, but Twilight Town is also there if you want to dick around in that area again!

Dale: You could move on with the plot or you can fuck around with more Disney movies. Your choice.

Sora: …Neither just yet, I gotta level up the Genie’s shit for reasons. *heads back to Agrabah’s shop thing*

Peddler: I built a new product. I’m calling it a “skateboard.” Care to try it out?

Sora: HOW DOES ALMOST EVERY PLANET HAVE A SKATEBOARD NOW and also how is the sand from the desert not affecting the wheels, this is not now sand works. Also apparently I did the thing I was supposed to again, that was cool. *heads to the Palace*

Jasmine: So Aladdin’s just been missing Genie! That’s a relief that he was depressed about a friend who left! I guess you can’t keep friends apart!

Iago: *is still outside the city walls* Who’da thought Aladdin, of all people, would snag Princess Jasmine! I guess it goes to show you what you can accomplish if you just put your mind to it!

Sora: *levels up the general summon level the most he can at the moment* …Still only level thirty-eight and wanted to get up to forty-five before I left this planet, but I’m so fucking tired of Agrabah being in every game that I kinda don’t care anymore.

Duckmin: So we’re going right to Twilight Town then?

Sora: FUCK NO, I WANNA GO CHECK OUT THE NEW FINAL MIX CHRISTMAS TOWN.

Goofy: But Kairi, though!

Sora: She won’t get kidnapped by Axel as long as I don’t try to go after her, let her hang out with the other guys as long as she wants. *goes immediately to Halloween Town*

~…Is it just me or was that world also kind of short as well? Wow, no wonder I didn’t really want to linger.~

Chapter Text

~…Wait, I thought this took place after the Nightmare Before Christmas happened, are we just flashing back to when Jack found the door, or…?~

Jack: …It’s basically a shot for shot remake of me finding the door to Christmas Town, what do you want. *falls through the door*

~And in the present day…they have the same pumpkin scarecrow that Jack actually dressed up as in the beginning of the movie just kind of hanging around.~

Sora: *is in his vampire costume, having landed on a pumpkin-shaped planet, and is staring at a creepy pumpkin scarecrow over which a Halloween Town sign has been placed* DO YOU THINK WE’RE IN HALLOWEEN TOWN OR SOMETHING, I’M SO CONFUSED.

Duckmin: They have awesome orange Halloween themed strings of lights and everything.

Zero: *flies around them*

Sora: Hey, boy. What up?

Zero: *goes to the center of town*

Sora: Well considering Curly Hill is chained off — that’s not where that was last year but neither was this graveyard located here so whatever — and we can’t go into the forest for some reason, I guess we have no choice but to follow him.

Goofy: If you’re looking for Zero, he flew off toward these buildings over there. He likes Jack a lot. Maybe Jack’s over that way?

Sora: I just noticed there are two different Jacks in this game, that’s gonna get confusing.

Goofy: Not as confusing as Riku and Rikku.

Sora: Oh yeah, forgot the Gullwings cameo coming up soon. Frankly I like the name Ryukku better, but of course stupid Americans can’t learn to pronounce that, now can they.

Duckmin: It’s been a while since I looked like this, all wrapped up like a mummy. At first I didn’t like it, but it’s kind of fun once you get used to it.

Sora: Yeah, I didn’t really figure out that I’m supposed to be a vampire until I read a wiki. *leads the way into the center of town and sees a large wooden ramp* That’s new.

Duckmin: …What the fuck is Jack even doing.

Jack: *is riding a flying coffin with a trashcan on the back being pulled by three reindeer skeletons and lands by coming down the ramp* ‘Sup, nerds! Merry Christmas!

Sora: Hey wow, yeah, like five days, nice, but… isn’t this area centered on Halloween? I mean, I love the overall atmosphere of Christmas as much as the next guy, but we came here for spooks.

Jack: That’s right, I am the Pumpkin King! HA HA HA HA! And I just can’t wait until next Halloween, ‘cause I’ve got some new ideas that will really make you scream! And by God, I’m really going to give it all my might! Except I’m kind of swept up in the feel-good atmosphere that is the holidays. And I wanna try taking over Christmas again, but this time I want to actually ask Sandy Claws’s permission before completely fucking everyone over. So this year, our planet gets a special holiday-themed expansion pack.

Sora: …Bitch is not talking about Santa Claus.

Goofy: Bitch he might be.

Jack: *stands on the rim of the fountain* Don’t these look like Christmas decorations as opposed to Halloween ones?

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: …No.

Jack: Eh, we’re still looking more festive than last time. But before we do anything else, we gotta check to see if Sally’s finished remaking the suit yet. Wanna come with?

Sora: Why not, I don’t have friends to save.

Duckmin and Goofy: *look around at the guillotine, the outright murderous toys, and what are unfortunately not thestrals* …This is bordering on seven spooky nine me.

Sora: Well for me it’s only six spooky eight me so I can still handle it, so Imma do the thing.

Jack: Are you guys still shitting yourselves or are you ready to get the plot moving.

Halloween Town title card: Well as we’re automatically transported into Dr. Finkelstein’s lab, I don’t see how we have much of a choice.

Lock, Shock, and Barrel: We actually get to help make the boss for the second half of the game! We’re so honored!

Dr. Finkelstein: My brain itches. My whole brain, which after the events of the movie should’ve been split in half and in a new creation of mine I made specifically to be my waifu, but never mind that now apparently.

Jack: Passing over the possibility that Sally might have been a first attempt of that goal, where is Sally anyway?

Dr. Finkelstein: Hmm, don’t know, don’t care. How’s that?

Sora: …Please stop literally inventing reasons for us to fight enemies, it’s getting kind of repetitive and annoying at this point.

Sally: *comes in* …Yeeeaaahhh…None of this is really all that great…

Lock: I don’t really think this was meant for small children to lift.

Shock: I say we drop it.

Dr. Finkelstein: Do it and you’re fired.

Lock, Shock, and Barrel: Who cares, you’re not even paying us. *throw a part of the boss onto the operating table where it explodes*

Sally: WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS KIND OF SHIT COMING.

Lock, Shock, and Barrel: *laugh and run out of the room*

Jack: Sally! I wanna show off how amazing you are to these guys who already know!

Sally: I’ve been deliberately putting it off because I remember what happened last time and I don’t want it happening again.

Jack: Oh it’s fine, just get it done by Christmas, you only have five days to do so, after all.

Sally: Oy vey.

Jack: And now to actually ask if we can do all the shit we’ve been preparing for. Laterz! *peaces out*

Sora: …Hang on, after everything that’s happened I’m still trying to process that Santa Claus actually lives on this planet.

Sally: Would you talk some sense into him? He’s clearly not going to listen to me, the prick.

Duckmin: Again with you women expecting us men to solve all your problems for you. Then again, sometimes men will only listen to other men. And feminism marches on…

Goofy: …The fuck is up with your expression, Sora.

Sora: *is staring up at the ceiling with a dazed expression while drooling* I CAN GET BEHIND THIS.

Jack: *comes back in* Heartless are back, did you bring them with you?

Sora: If we did we didn’t mean to. Might just be the timing of our arrival. At any rate, want help defeating them in droves?

Jack: Sure, though I’m not entirely sure why we ever wanted them to leave, all of us are already dead/don’t possess internal organs anyway.

Sally: Seriously, my innards are fucking leaves.

Sora: That’s nice, I WANNA SEE SANTA.

Duckmin: Of course you do.

Sora: MAYBE IF WE KILL A LOT OF HEARTLESS HE’LL SEE WHAT A GOOD BOY I’VE BEEN! *goes outside*

Mayor: I don’t know why I’m even bothering trying to shout the Heartless down with a megaphone. Probably because it’s the only useful skill I have. Jack! Where are you? I’m only an elected official, I can’t do shit by myself!

Sora: Spoken like a true politician.

Mayor: HURT THEM, HURT THEM!

Sora, Duckmin, and Jack: *hurt them*

Jack: Somehow I know they’ve infected Christmas Town as well, since it’s been added onto the planet and the Heartless have infected the whole planet except for certain areas that they’ll never go in like always. You three, wanna go to Christmas Town and kill more shit?

Duckmin: Not really—

Sora: SHIT YEAH WE DO!

Duckmin: …Well, ‘tis the season, I guess…

~I did NOT expect the release schedule to go this well…~

Lock: *is with Shock and Barrel in the walking bathtub* So how’re we gonna fuck with the good doctor’s experiment next time?

Shock: We drown him in caterpillars!

Barrel: Caterpillars are adorable, though, we want something gross and creepy, you’re letting the whole Christmas shit infect your thinking.

Shock: You’re right, my B. My B, my B.

Lock: There's something—there's something...I love my B and my bad so much, because they are the perfect thing to say when a casual apology is inappropriate and not enough.

Barrel: Right, right, right.

Lock: Like, I-I shot Grandma in the face, my bad.

Shock: My B, my B.

Bathtub: *stops in front of Maleficent*

Barrel: Well you’re new.

Lock: You a hag?

Shock: Or a witch, maybe?

Maleficent: *creates green flames out of her robes*

Shock: Yep, definitely a witch.

Maleficent: …You kids wanna buy some drugs?

Lock, Shock, and Barrel: DO WE EVER!

Maleficent: Then follow me. I’ll show you the true meaning of “mischief.”

~Bet she’ll show them exactly how it can be managed, amirite? Heh, amirite? Guys? Anyone?~

Jack: So this planet has some woods that have doors in the trees, and each door corresponds with a certain holiday. Now we used to have a door shaped like a pumpkin, but for reasons that seems to have been done away with. There are other doors still, though, like St. Patrick’s Day and Valentine’s Day and Thanksgiving and Easter and I think the Fourth of July and of course Christmas.

Sora: …So a bunch of Western bullshit, specifically White-man bastardized-Christian bullshit.

Jack: …Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Goofy: Where’s the one for arbor day?

Duckmin: HA!

Jack: Shut up, the setup’s awesome.

Sora: Hang on, I just realized I haven’t saved in a while. *goes back inside Dr. Finkelstein’s lab*

Dr. Finkelstein: I can’t count on those kids to do anything right. Which is why I hired them in the first place. Would you be interested in helping me in their place?

Sora: I would not.

Sally: Heartless are appearing, Jack wants to become Sandy Claws…Again, apparently…I sense there’s something in the wind that feels like tragedy’s at hand. And though I’d like to stand by him, I can’t shake this feeling that I have. The worst is just around the bend…

Sora: Tell me about it. *goes back outside, slaughtering things in the graveyard, and goes through to the woods Jack talked about* Wow, this is almost exactly like the movie, this looks great.

Duckmin: I know you’re excited to see Santa, but I also sense there’s something in the wind that feel’s like tragedy’s at hand, and I too believe the worst is just around the bend, Sally’s not the only one who feels this way.

Goofy: Jack may have said that he wants to be Santa, but I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. It’s hard for me to even imagine a Christmas with Jack as Santa.

Sora: Tell me about it, Santa needs to be fat, if it’s a skinny guy falling down chimneys then most of the magic is gone right from the get-go.

Goofy: …Not really what I meant by that…

Jack: Look at this mysterious door! Just looking at it makes one’s bones tingle! Now then, come closer. I have something to tell you. That I won’t actually tell you until you try to enter the door.

Sora: I AM LOOKING AT THIS DOOR SO THAT WE MAY CONTINUE TO SEE SANTA.

Jack: So I was kind of going through a mid-life crisis; I got so acclimatized to spooks that I forgot what it was to even be scary. Trying to take over another holiday was my way of dealing with that shit. But yeah, I took a walk one day and sleepwalked all the way to this door, and this one looked the most interesting so I went through it first. And something happened that I never saw before! There were children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads! They were busy building toys and absolutely no one's dead! There's frost on every window, I couldn’t believe my eyes, and in my bones I felt the warmth that was coming from inside…

Sora: Yeah that’s great, JUST OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR ALREADY.

Jack: M’kay. *opens the fucking door already*

Sora: *immediately jumps into the snowflake whirlpool of happiness with Duckmin and Goofy not that far behind him* …I now have a black Santa outfit. I FUCKING LOVE FINAL MIX!

Duckmin and Goofy: We also got new, more festive looks! *fall on top of Sora*

Sora: Get off me and check out this view! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED!

Duckmin: …That’s definitely something…Wow…

Christmas Town: *looks like Christmas Town*

Duckmin: I WANNA GO SEE SANTA! OOOOH LOOK AT THAT SHIT, I’M SO HYPED! I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS!

Sora: *shakes head*

Jack: *comes out of the…pumpkin portal behind them* He’s in his workshop, the biggest building in the back. Come, we must away ere break of day!

Goofy: …I wanna see Santa too, but I still think all of this is a terrible idea.

Sora: Your nose is glowing and red, I just noticed that, it looks nice.

Goofy: Thanks. Man, this place sure is different than Halloween Town. The music’s even different, I don’t think it was like this in vanilla, and it sounds really nice, too! I can see why Jack’s so excited.

Duckmin: Wow! Look at this place! Where’s Santa?! Where’s Santa?!

Sora: Oh, who’s overexcited to see Santa now, you…anthropomorphic snowman with a bucket on his head…?

Duckmin: Hi, I’m Duckmin and I like warm hugs!

Sora: …Well at least you’re not Padfoot and Prongs’s lovechild from hell.

Goofy: Oh just because I’m an anthropomorphic dog who somehow grew reindeer antlers all of a sudden—

Jack: What do you think of the view? Impressive, right? None of this is in Halloween Town. Now then, Sandy Claws’s house is just up ahead. We should get moving.

Sora: *heads down into town* …Wow, everything’s actually kind of tastefully done, I’ve seen way tackier decorations in real life. Like those new Lazy Christmas Lights—I mean Laser Christmas Lights. Those are the laziest pieces of shit I’ve ever seen in my life and it disgusts me that I know someone in real life who used them but they’ll never read this so I can safely call out their bullshit where they’ll never get wind of it like a true coward.

Duckmin: Being a coward always wins.

Sora: Yep. Everyone loves cowards. They’re hot.

Halloween Town-inspired Heartless: *appear*

Sora: YOU GET YOUR BITCH ASSES OUT OF THIS TOWN RIGHT THE SHIT NOW.

Jack: KILL EVERYTHING! *helps terminate with extreme prejudice*

Duckmin: Yeah, we have a reason to be here.

Goofy: Absolutely. Even if it shouldn’t be to help Jack, we can definitely help Santa!

Jack: So we going to talk to him or what?

Sora: *barges into the workshop*

Santa Claus: *making his list and checking it twice, with me inserting an actual line from the movie for lolz* Susie’s been a very good girl this year…

iheartmwpp: *shouts to a different room* HEY MA, YOU HEAR THAT? YOU’RE GONNA GET PRESENTS FROM SANTA THIS YEAR!

iheartmwpp’s mother person: *does the dance of joy*

iheartmwpp: Please stop.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *see Santa and also do the dance of joy*

Santa Claus: For some reason I don’t mind if people come to cheat and find out if they were on my nice list.

Sora: …Awesome!

Santa Claus: Name?

Sora: S-Sora, sir!

Santa Claus: *looks down at what are actually scribbles* I psychically know that you said you didn’t believe in me back when you were eight.

Sora: …So does that mean I didn’t make the list regardless of whether I’m naughty or nice?

Santa Claus: Apparently.

Sora: Crap baskets.

Duckmin: What about me and Goofy? Oh, I’m Duckmin. Usually known as something else but I think you can understand why we refuse to acknowledge it for the time being.

Santa Claus: Indeed, and isn't it a coincidence that that clown's trying to make coal a thing again.

Sora: Topical!

Santa Claus: Anyway, Goofy’s always been great, and you yourself are doing much better this year on account of knowing Cure right from the get-go.

Duckmin: Oh hurrah!

Jack: What about me?

Santa Claus: Naughty. Undeniably naughty.

Jack: Oh.

Loud noise: *is heard coming out of the workshop*

Santa Claus: What did you do this time.

Jack: Nothing yet, I don’t think!

Sora: What happened last time?

Jack: I kidnapped Santa and pretended to be him, and threw the world into chaos. It's implied I murdered some children with toys!

Sora: Huh.

Male elf: What was that noise? It came from the factory. We’ll really be in trouble if that machine’s broken! I’d better go check it out. And by check it out I mean stay here in this room while you go and confront the plot.

Sora: Of course…

Female elf: The entrance to the toy factory is over there. We’ve been so busy lately, the toy factory is running twenty-four/seven! So much for sleep!

Sora: Aww, you poor guys!

Fireplace: *fills the room with a cozy warmth*

Sora: I WANT TO LIVE IN THIS PLACE. *goes into the workshop*

Santa Claus: …Well everything seems to be in order…

Lock: WE’RE REALLY BEING OBVIOUS OVER HERE!

Maleficent: Well be less obvious. Even though I’m the tallest one here and our eyes are naturally drawn to darkness. Oh, cool, Sora’s here. Now we can kill him too because why the fuck not.

Shock: Bitchin’!

Santa Claus: Who’s up there clear as day where all of us could see them?

Lock, Shock, and Barrel: Ah shit.

Maleficent: *Disapparates*

Barrel: *throws a bear trap out the window so he and the others can jump out and escape*

Jack: …Okay I know them, but I’m not with them.

Santa Claus: I’d put them on the naughty list — in fact I have — but considering the naughtier than usual behavior they’ve been exhibiting I’d prefer it if you grabbed them and brought them to me so that I could give them a proper whoopin’.

Jack: …Don’t think that’s really our place but okay…But I’d kind of like to talk to you about something—

Santa Claus: Those kids may well murder someone if we don’t get them in line. Is anyone’s life gonna be threatened if I blow off you for a little bit?

Jack: …No…

Santa Claus: Good. Now go do the thing for me, I have the actually reasonable excuse of needing to prepare for Christmas.

Jack: …Fair enough.

Sora: C’mon, Jack! Let’s go beat up small children!

Jack: I would enjoy this thing…

Santa Claus: Hurry and bring those kids to me. We can talk after they’re dealt with.

Female elf: Why would anyone do such a horrible thing?! I hope Santa gives him a good thrashing!

Sora: Kids are dumb bitches.

Male elf: Whoever snuck into the factory must have run off somewhere. I doubt they could have gotten far. Maybe we’ll find a clue outside. And by we I still mean you should do all the work while I stay by the fire because fuck you.

Goofy: *is waiting for them outside with Duckmin* Check out these tracks in the snow we found! Did they run back to Halloween Town, considering it’s the only expansion this year? These sure are strange footprints. Could they be barefooted? Or are they just using the bathtub that we ourselves rode in several times last year whenever we fell down from Oogie’s Mansion?

Duckmin: There’s no way we’ll lose them with footprints this clear. Still, they may have set a trap. We’d better be prepared. Our teeth and ambitions are bared.

Sora: You’re a duck, you don’t have teeth.

Jack: it doesn’t seem like Sandy Claws will talk with us until we catch those kids. We’ve got to find them and bring them to Sandy.

~…Do these shit kids even have parents or did they just spring out of holes in the ground?~

Chapter Text

~We never have enough cutaways to decent villains in any of these games.~

Maleficent: *is with the shit kids on Curly Hill* It is now past the time for Christmas shit, I fucking hate people who overextend it even by two fucking days, it’s not necessary. But now that Sora’s here I can ignore that shit and just murder him. By proxy, of course, wouldn’t want to have to fight him myself in this game at all ever.

Shock: Well then why the hours and hours spent building you up as a vaguely credible villain?

Maleficent: WHAT DO YOU MEAN VAGUELY?!

Lock: …Dude, you employ Pete.

Shock: I mean sure Oogie employs us and we’re just a bunch of shit kids—

Barrel: —but we don’t suck at our jobs. For the most part. We don’t fuck up every single thing we try, anyway.

Maleficent: Oh yeah, where’s Oogie Boogie these days anyway?

Shock: …Murdered by Sora and the others, did Pete not tell you?

Maleficent: Hmm, people talking, none of them me, I must’ve filtered. GOOD THING I KNOW NECROMANCY!

Lock, Shock, and Barrel:OH HAPPY DAY!

~How does one bring back Oogie Boogie, do they just grab the cloth he used to live in and collect a shitton of bugs again?~

Sora: *goes back to Halloween Town* Hey, the chains on the gate to Curly Hill are gone now. Also the tracks lead over to there.

Mayor: You’re looking for those kids? I just saw them in the graveyard. The ground’s pretty muddy. You should be able to pick up their trail easily enough.

Sally: Please talk Jack out of this. I’m worried he might do something extreme. What will become of my dear friend? Where will his actions lead us then? Although I’d like to join the crowd in their enthusiastic cloud, try as I may it doesn’t last…

Dr. Finkelstein: What? Those kids were causing trouble in another town, too? Well, I suppose what happens in another town doesn’t concern my research.

Sora: …I just decided, I don’t like you.

Dr. Finkelstein: I just decided, I don’t care.

Sora: Whatever, fuck you, you stupid…shitface. Yeah, you told…Yeah, what. All right.

Dr. Finkelstein: Right.

Sora: Yeah.

Dr. Finkelstein: Well said.

Sora: Told that shit. *goes to Curly Hill*

Oogie Boogie: I’m magically alive now! Forget about watching the process, oh no, that would have been too interesting! Thanks again for me being the only villain you personally bring back, Maleficent!

Maleficent: I suspect you were the easiest. Now go kill Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy.

Oogie Boogie: Who the fuck is Duckmin?

Maleficent: Just roll with it, it's not changing.

Oogie Boogie: Oh, okay. But why, what'd they do?

Shock: They fucking murdered you to death.

Oogie Boogie: Oh. That sucks.

Lock: I’m pretty sure Jack was in the party at the time as well.

Oogie Boogie: Hey fuck that guy!

Barrel: You forgot about that?

Oogie Boogie: I think I remember it now that you’re saying it. TIME TO MURDER EVERYONE IN SIGHT!

Maleficent: I knew this was a good idea! And I’m sure those memory problems won’t come back to bite anyone in the ass any time soon! Anyway, forget about that for now. Ever hear of Christmas Town? I also want you to destroy—

Lock: Oogie’s asleep.

Shock: Do we have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency?

Barrel: Should he not go swimming for the next hour?

Maleficent: …Well shit. You three, you stay here and stop the people who saved the world, I'm sure you're good enough for it, you three children. *takes Oogie and Side-Along Apparates away* Have a Heartless to help you.

Sora: *arrives on the scene despite entering the area before the cutscene started* Remember, guys, kids don’t require that much oxygen. That’s why they’re hard to smother.

Shock: Hang on, let’s get inside this flying mechanical Heartless’s stomach which you will beat up because it’s the target nearest to the ground and ensure that we’re the ones who suffer most even beyond the Heartless itself.

Sora: Damn it, I wish we were fighting just the Heartless instead of these shit kids.

Duckmin: You know what’s the best amount of children?

Sora: Zero?

Duckmin: That’s correct!

Jack: Sometimes I wish we had more modern technology. Like buses. So we could chuck kids over them.

Sora: Why, how many kids have you chucked over buses?

Jack: Not enough.

Duckmin: Clearly not enough.

Lock, Shock, and Barrel:*slowly but surely get eaten by the Heartless until Sora, Duckmin, and Jack kick the shit out of them*

Barrel: We’re magically okay now!

Lock: Hooray for somehow avoiding horrible injuries!

Shock: That may have bought us enough time, let’s see if Oogie’s okay yet. *runs off with the other two*

Jack: …They did not just imply that Oogie Boogie’s still alive.

Sora: Yeah, didn’t we murder him or something?

Jack: Supposedly, but then again I’m dead as well so who knows what could’ve happened. This is Halloween Town, after all.

Goofy: What, so do we have to kill him again?!

Duckmin: Looks like.

~…Why did Santa even leave the workshop, why would he ever go into Halloween Town when he’s not at least airborne?~

Santa Claus: This entire planet is one straight hallway, how am I lost. Wait, why did I even leave the workshop, seriously, am I that concerned with three poo-babies?!

Sally: *pokes head out behind a tree* Mr. Sandy Claws, remember me?

Santa Claus: Please, it’s pronounced Throat-Wobbler Mangrove.

Sally:

Santa Claus: I’m just messing with you, it’s pronounced Santa Claus.

Sally: Ah. Mr. Santa Claus, would you mind fucking off back to your hometown? I just know Jack is gonna try to take over again, and I’m afraid he might not take no for an answer. Again.

Santa Claus: I am down with that. Tell Jack I’ll be waiting for him in my workshop surrounded by an army of elves should he try to kidnap me again.

Sally: Don’t even talk to him, though! Any word you say will sound like encouragement to him, he has the worst case of selective hearing I’ve ever seen!

Maleficent: *behind some trees with Oogie* The fat red one. That’s the one we want.

Oogie Boogie: You sure you just want me to kidnap him? Seems pretty standard, and therefore boring.

Maleficent: No, after you kidnap him, destroy the fuck out of his hometown and murder anyone and everyone who tries to stop you.

Oogie Boogie: Oh. That works.

Maleficent: Also I somehow have it in my head that I can transform Santa Claus himself into a Heartless. Why didn’t Xaldin think of that, this would make a way better Nobody than the Beast.

Oogie Boogie: Cool, done now. *runs out and moves to attack Santa*

Santa Claus: *shoves Sally behind him, and since it’s Santa and he’d do that for anyone because he’s fucking Santa I’m not as pissed as I’d probably be otherwise*

~…How did Sally get away, why did Oogie not grab her, we know he thinks she has great legs!~

Sally: RUNNING!

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, and Jack: ‘Sup.

Sally: Oogie’s alive again and he kidnapped Santa and fucked off.

Jack: Uh-oh.

Sally: He ran towards Christmas Town. Now imagine that. Oogie Boogie. In Christmas Town.

Sora: It doesn’t even bear thinking about.

Goofy: Where’d Oogie come from? He tried to control the Heartless last time. What’s he up to now?

Duckmin: Oogie’s the one who wreaked havoc with that Heartless last time, right? If he’s kidnapped Santa, how am I supposed to get any presents for Christmas?

Sora: …How are you not on the naughty list.

Jack: Oogie comes back, and the first thing he does is try to spoil my Christmas! Again! I guess he didn’t learn his lesson last time.

Sally: Oogie kidnapped Santa Claus! He went through the door in the hinterlands! You have to stop him!

Sora: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!

Mayor: *back at the lab* Oogie Boogie?! But I thought Jack beat him! This is terrible! If he’s back, he’s going to ruin this year’s Halloween, too!

Dr. Finkelstein: If Oogie’s back, you can be sure that he’s up to no good, like a proper Marauder. All’s quiet here, though. Maybe he’s out playing his tricks in another town.

Sora: *goes to Christmas Town but is interrupted by a cutscene*

Oogie Boogie: *has Santa tied up on a conveyor belt in his own workshop* I’ve somehow found the time to remake this whole place in a much more pleasant image within the space of a few minutes! Hang on, needs more spikes. *runs off*

Maleficent: Don’t worry, we’re not going to kill you, we’re just going to turn you evil, let darkness overtake your heart, and turn you into one of our slaves!

Santa Claus: …How can I possibly have darkness inside my own heart, I’M SANTA CLAUS!

Maleficent: Oh don’t worry, I’ll help—OW! What’d you bash into me for?

Oogie Boogie: Oh. You’re still here, are you?

Maleficent: BITCH I BROUGHT YOU BACK TO LIFE!

Oogie Boogie: Well you should’ve brought my memory back while you were at it ‘cause I don’t remember shit.

Maleficent: Fine! Forget my plan to turn Santa Claus into a Heartless, I’m not even taking him with me! *fucks off in a burst of green flame*

Oogie Boogie: Wonder who that was. *fucks around with the conveyor belt some more, exploding it slightly*

Duckmin: *has just arrived in Christmas Town with everyone else* …Guys we should probably do something about the fact that Santa’s house is on fucking fire.

Sally: Oh no! Everyone, look! There’s smoke coming out of the house! You’ve got to rescue Santa, quick! I’d do it myself but the game won’t let me!

Sora: That legitimately sucks. *goes down into Santa’s house*

Male elf: When I looked in the factory, I saw someone in white operating the ceiling lift. That lift’s being repaired. If it gets hit by something, it may break! USE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO DEFEAT THE BOSS IN THE BOSS FIGHT.

Female elf: Something terrible’s happened! Santa Claus is all wrapped up! Then that big guy came…!

Sora: Phrasing!

Female elf: I hid as fast as I could…What should we do?!

Sora: Well I’m going to go die in this boss fight, reload my save, level up, keep dying even while making progress so I lose literal hours of time making me more and more frustrated, develop almost a fear of the Emerald Blues Heartless, and finally get the ability Once More at level forty-seven before coming back here.

Female elf: …I didn’t ask for your life story.

Sora: Well fuck you, I felt like sharing. *goes inside*

Oogie Boogie: I’m up here now!

Sally: It was probably a mistake for me to walk in here…

Oogie Boogie: Sure was! *slams her into the floor* Oh hai Jack.

Jack: How dare you treat my friends so shamefully!

Oogie Boogie: Whatever, Imma murder all y’all!

Jack: That’s great, but IS SANDY OKAY?!

Sally: *is holding her severed leg and hopping away* Hope no one notices this shit…

Oogie Boogie: I don’t know who that is, but I’m gonna kill this red guy first.

Sally: Not if I throw my severed leg at you, you’re not!

Oogie Boogie: …Dafuq?

Santa Claus: *runs toward Sally*

Oogie Boogie: I’m going to kill both of you now!

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, and Jack: Not if we stop you! Which we should’ve done in the first place!

Oogie Boogie: Yeah no kidding. *gets onto a glass platform above the three conveyor belts and starts said conveyor belts up so suddenly they’re moving backward into a wall of spikes, none of them except Goofy ‘cause he’s not in this fight can get off, and the machine alternatively spits out presents and/or Heartless, the former of which can be knocked back into the platform so it’ll break and the latter which killed me that first time because fuck Emerald Blues*

Sora: *has to switch conveyor belts at points but does a much better job at level forty-seven than he did at thirty-eight so that’s something I guess*

Oogie Boogie: Shit, my bugs are spilling out again. I need to invest in a sewing machine… *bugs spill out of two different splits in the seams and he slowly deflates until what looks like the head bug is actually stomped by Duckmin this time*

Sora: Well that was fucking exhausting, I hate gimmick boss fights.

Goofy: Speaking of, how many times have you died against Zexion now?

Sora: Six.

Goofy: That’s a few.

Sora: Indeed. But who cares because CHRISTMAS!

Jack: No kidding, it’s time to finally get my ass in gear! Also we’re apparently outside now.

Duckmin: Could you not?

Goofy: Seriously, it’s not going to go over well.

Sally: Jack? I finished your costume.

Jack: YOU ARE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU AND YAY-FACE. *puts it on*

Sally: Yes, you look great, but do you really have to try and take over Christmas again? Don’t you remember what happened last time? Fuck, the same thing nearly happened this time!

Jack: …All of what you’re saying is true, but I just fucking love this outfit!

Santa Claus: Okay I’m grateful to you for saving me and I just double checked my list so I could put you down for nice, but please don’t do the thing.

Jack: I wasn’t going to.

Santa Claus: …Gwah?

Jack: I only wanted to help you this time, as you’re probably pretty overworked. I was hoping that you could take me under your wing and teach me the true meaning of Christmas so that one day with the proper training I could have another shot at it. I acknowledge that I’m not good enough this year and might not even be close for another decade or more, but everyone’s gotta start somewhere, right?

Santa Claus: …That’s actually really responsible of you.

Jack: I know, right?

Santa Claus: TIME TO SHUT YOU DOWN!

Jack: Aww…

Santa Claus: No but seriously, Christmas is my gig. I love seeing little children smile and laugh and cheer and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You want to see them shit their pants and possibly die horribly. Would you want the Easter Bunny try to take your gig?

Jack: Not without proper training, but every bunny’s got the potential to guard the cave of Cair Banor.

Santa Claus: Okay then how about no means no. Just stick to Halloween, it’s what you’re best at. Just do your job and no one will get hurt.

Jack: Cool, I can still wear the costume then.

Santa Claus: But I just told you you can’t do Christmas!

Jack: I know. Part of Halloween involves dressing up however you want. This year for Halloween I’m dressing up as Sandy Claws. Not even Santa, I’m the spooky version of you because people do hybrid shit all the time.

Santa Claus: …Fine, whatever, have fun, I’m going back to work. You have fun, Pumpkin King or whatever you call yourself. *goes back inside his workshop*

Jack: That’s right, I AM THE PUMPKIN KING! HAHAHAHAA! And I just can’t wait until next Halloween ‘cause I’ve got some new ideas that will really make them scream! And by God, I’m really going to give it all my might! And we even had time to set things right!

Sora: Didn’t you just sing that last chapter?

Jack: Hey how ‘bout you fuck off.

Sora: How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

Mayor: Jack, I literally followed you into a place that should be off-limits to us forever, that’s how desperately we need you back to go over the plans for next Halloween, since I can’t do shit and you know it!

Jack: Once again, spoken like a true politician. *leads the mayor back to Halloween Town*

Santa Claus: Wait, I thought I went back inside, what even is this.

Sora: …Okay now what.

Santa Claus: I’m going back to work, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Jack’s Santa suit: *glows and sends up a beam of light* Well at least I’m not floating, that would’ve been creepy—I JUST GOT A CUNNING PLAN.

Sora: ...How come something Sally just made is the world's Keyhole? *opens the next gate which is actually the same gate* Time to leave now I guess except I’m coming right back because leveling up is important.

Santa Claus: No kidding. But before you do, that guy who told you I didn’t exist? Tell him I said hi.

Sora: Ha, Riku would love that. Um, you’re basically omnipotent, right? Do you know where he is?

Santa Claus: Nope! But hey, if you just believe in him hard enough, he will appear before you. Which is why I always appear before tiny children because that’s exactly how that works.

Sora: Thought it was always largely metaphorical.

Santa Claus: Well I guess those who don’t see me just never wanted it badly enough.

Sora: The messages these games send, I swear…Magnet, huh? I don’t think I ever use that shit. *gets kicked off the planet but immediately goes back to Santa’s house*

Santa Claus: Now then, I can’t let Jack upstage me. I hope all of you enjoy Halloween and Christmas this year.

Sora: That’s sweet of you.

Female elf: When that big guy hit Sally and her leg fell off, I passed out! The people of Halloween Town sure are resilient!

Male elf: *inside the workshop area* A special device is located upstairs. It causes a lot of problems, though, so now only authorized personnel can enter.

Sora: Well if that isn’t a tease for the second half of the game… *goes to the area that leads to Halloween Town*

Barrel: Jack’s planning another Halloween. I wonder why he’s still in his red outfit, though.

Shock: Oogie used to be packed with all kinds of cool bugs! But now that all the bugs are gone, I doubt we’ll be seeing him any time soon.

Mayor: Those brats are always causing trouble! Wait, why am I even hanging out with the kids, I should be in Halloween Town planning the next Halloween.

Lock: See, it almost makes sense that we know about skateboards, we’re fucking children.

Sally: *is back in Dr. Finkelstein’s lab* Christmas Town truly was a beautiful place. But any place can be beautiful so long as your friends are with you, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

Dr. Finkelstein: What is it? Can’t you see I’m busy? You’re distracting me from my work! My research is almost complete, so if you don’t have anything to do, fuck off!

Sora: Yep, you’re a dick. *gets up to fifty before moving on*

~Still miffed that I can’t put basically anything on ff.net anymore. All I ever wanted was to give you something great! Why does nothing ever turn out like it should…Oh right, I suck.~

Chapter Text

~Oh hai absolutely favorite Disney movie of all time.~

Simba: Little roar. Puh. *sees and iguana and tries to roar at it, jumping off the rock and growling again, and finally pulls off a loud enough growl that’s not very deep but still echoes off the rocks* Man, I totally blame myself for starting the stampede with that roar, don’t I, I just got that, I thought it was just survivor’s guilt but this makes more sense. Fuck Scar, he’s good. *sees the rocks shaking on the ground* …Why isn’t the epic music starting, I fucking love the Stampede track, it’s one of my favorite pieces of Disney music. *looks up to see the wildebeest starting to stampede down the cliff* Wow, that still looks fucking awesome. Unlike my static face which looks like garbage. *starts running* Oh they did not replace the music with standard Kingdom Hearts “bad shit is going down” music, I fucking hate this game sometimes. Well at least the visual’s vaguely faithful. *jumps on dead branch tree thing but can’t hold on for long before getting knocked off* WHY ISN’T ZAZU HERE TO TELL ME WHETHER OR NOT DAD’S COMING—

Mufasa: *grabs him in his mouth*

Simba: Oh. He came. Great. *gets placed on a rock before Mufasa gets knocked back into the herd* DAD! *can’t see him for a bit until he jumps onto the cliff and starts climbing, Simba climbing further up as well to try and help*

Mufasa: *sees his brother further up* Scar! *slides down a bit* Brother! Help me!

Scar: *digs his claws into Mufasa’s paws* Long live the king. *throws him off the cliff*

Mufasa: *screams as he falls to his death*

Young Simba: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Adult Simba: I THINK THEY USED ARCHIVAL AUDIO FOR THAT BIG NO THAT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF NEAT WHY DON’T THEY DO THAT MORE OFTEN ESPECIALLY WHEN WE’RE JUST OUTRIGHT REPEATING DIALOGUE—Oh, I’m awake.

Timon and Pumbaa: We are not.

Simba: Of course you’re not. *walks to the edge of the cliff they’re sleeping on* That cloud looks like a lion.

~…I’ve known Mufasa dies as a fact of life since I was four, why am I tearing up right now.~

Pride Lands title card: You guys done sobbing yet?

Sora: *gets beamed down with Duckmin and Goofy in a literal beam of light* …So I guess we can confirm that the Gummi Ship is constantly in orbit around whichever planet we’re on and we literally beam up and down to travel around. Okay, I can deal with that. Also I’m a lion now. That’s nifty. Now I have the cat powers. None of you have the cat powers, it’s all me.

Duckmin: I changed from one type of bird to another type of bird THAT CAN FUCKING FLY, KABLAMZO!

Goofy: I’m a turtle again.

Sora: …This the place where “Be Prepared” happened, or what.

Goofy: Did no one notice the natives?

Sora: Oh, we’re surrounded by hyenas. How ‘bout that.

Ed: *laughs uproariously*

Sora: Hey it’s that voice from FUCKING EVERYTHING. Also why do I think they’re Heartless, I know for a fact that they’re hyenas.

Goofy: Which makes us trespassers.

Duckmin: You guys are as friendly as everyone else we first meet when coming to a new planet, right?

Sora: Please be nice, please be nice, please be nice…

Shenzi: Well we are willing and able to invite you to lunch.

Sora: It’s not a pot luck or anything, is it, because as far as I know we no longer possess the need for foodstuffs.

Banzai: THEY ACTUALLY GOT CHEECH MARIN BACK FOR THIS ROLE. Also don’t worry about it, we got ourselves a three-course meal.

Goofy: …Dude they’re talking about us.

Ed: *laughs even more*

Duckmin: I am not a fan of this.

Sora, Duckmin and Goofy: *split up, or try to, but Duckmin doesn’t even think of just flying up and away and Sora trips over himself*

Banzai: *is standing over Sora* Thanks for stopping by, really, it’s kind of been literally days since our last meal.

Duckmin and Goofy: *are cornered by even more hyenas, Duckmin still not possessing the intellect to just fly away already…Though if we’re going with the I Can’t Abandon My Friendly-Friends route, that’s actually kind of awesome…*

Lion roar: *is heard*

Banzai: Apparently we can tell that’s Scar from a distance.

Shenzi: Okay, we slash their throats now, go see what he wants and maybe even bring the two non-lions over to him so everyone can have a bite, and finish the rest of them off later. Or at least leave a couple of us behind to guard the food.

Banzai: Nah, that would make sense, let’s just leave them here fully able to escape while we go see what Scar wants.

Shenzi: Why do I hang out with you. *leaves with every single other hyena*

Sora: …And here I was thinking/hoping we would have to fight them.

Duckmin and Goofy: Yeah, we’re good with what happened.

Sora: Fighting like this is pretty weird, though.

Duckmin: I gotta get used to flying.

Goofy: I figured out a trick to fighting on four legs! Here, let me show ya! And by show ya I mean the screen’s gonna fade to black and you’ll suddenly have a list of all new abilities and be perfectly set to fight and to move with no training whatsoever!

Sora: I knew I could count on you!

Goofy: We’re gonna have to learn how to defend ourselves bein’ on all fours like this. I bet there are lots of moves we can do that we normally couldn’t! Like the ones I just fucking pointed out to you!

Duckmin: If Kairi saw you like this, I bet she’d think you were cute! I guess your Goku uniform spontaneously transformed you to the form it psychically knew you would need on this planet. Don’t know what our excuse is, though.

Sora: *exits the gorge and looks around* DUDES WE’RE IN AN ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD. I wonder if some of those skulls still have brains in them.

Nala: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE THINGS, ALL I’M ASKING FOR IS SOME FOOD. *is being chased by two ginormous Heartless*

Sora: Are you guys pondering what I’m pondering?

Duckmin: I think so, Sora, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.

Goofy: Seriously, where are we gonna find rubber pants our size?

Sora: I’m up to my tits in morons. *runs up to Nala* Hey! You! Person who has always fought better than Simba and probably always will! Stand aside and let a small cub protect your suddenly pathetic ass!

Nala: Well okay, I am only a woman after all. *watches Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy kill everything* Thanks, I was so pathetic and weak that I wasn’t able to tackle whatever that thing was.

Goofy: …Are you even trying to sound like your original voice actress?

Nala: I am not.

Sora: See any other shit like that around here?

Nala: Considering Pete probably just got here around the same time you did I’d have to say no. Then again, I don’t usually hunt outside the Pride Lands, so maybe they’re just not around Pride Rock much.

Sora: …So do you know of anyone named Riku? Or people in black hoods? Or this Pete you’ve already mentioned?

Nala: Don’t know about Riku, I don’t know what hoods even are, and again, Pete probably just got here around the same time you did so I haven’t actually seen him yet.

Duckmin and Goofy: And we’re not even gonna bother asking about the King apparently.

Sora: …Wanna go check it out anyway?

Duckmin and Goofy: Why not, we don’t have friends to save.

Nala: Hold up, the Pride Lands are dangerous! Scar and his army of hyenas don’t know how to hunt properly so now every edible animal except for Zazu is gone, and they drank up all the water so now we don’t have any grass to feed the herbivores even if there were some left!

Sora: So why don’t you move on without the hyenas?

Nala: What do you think we’ve been trying to do?

Sora: Well who cares if it’s dangerous? We just beat up those bad guys for you and everything!

Nala: …Well we do need a male lion for a leader despite everyone being cool with my daughter taking over one day. Or we just have to keep it in the bloodline because Disney's obsessed with monarchies for some reason. But I guess we can try the dude thing first or whatever. Wanna come back to my place?

Goofy: To fight your battles for you? Sure, we’ve been doing nothing else this whole time.

Duckmin: Who’s Scar, though.

Nala: Our king. Took over when our last one got crushed to death by wildebeests.

Sora: …You seriously want us to launch a coup d’état against your monarchy.

Nala: Well we’re only pathetic females, we can’t possibly do it ourselves!

Sora: I hate this game sometimes. Hang on, group meeting. *huddles up with Duckmin and Goofy* Guys should we actually do this one? ‘Cause if we do, and they want me to be their king because I beat the last guy, I can’t actually stick around and rule, I have to keep moving on to find Riku and get back to my own home planet.

Goofy: Yeah but integrating ourselves into movie plots, though.

Sora: Ugh, fine. Though there is a new planet to explore… *goes and confirms it with Nala*

Duckmin: I bet if we’d waited a few more minutes, Nala would’ve kicked both those Heartless’s asses.

Goofy: Probably.

Sora: *watches Nala run off* She’s going on ahead to give the other lionesses the heads up, but she gave me directions on how to get to Pride Rock.

Goofy: To get to Pride Rock, we should head toward that large mountain, right? I somehow know from you possibly telling me? We’d better get going. Nala’s waiting for us.

Duckmin: That lioness looked pretty serious. Save the kingdom, defeat the king…what kind of world have we come to?

Sora: Who knows. *makes his way to the Savannah* …This must be the single largest area we’ve ever been in. I’m actually kind of getting Shadow of the Colossus flashbacks from this area. *goes straight on to Pride Rock* Those are a lot of lionesses resting over there.

Nala: *comes forward with Rafiki by her side* That’s the dude. I know he’s got darker fur than even Scar which is probably a bad sign given the fact that Simba and Mufasa have lighter furs and they’re the good guys while Scar has darker fur and he’s a bad guy…WOW I sound racist, but yeah, this guy’s cool. Never got a name, now that I think about it.

Rafiki: *gets up in Sora’s face*

Sora: …Can I help you?

Rafiki: *looks over at Duckmin and Goofy*

Millions of other lionesses: *wake up and sit up* Are we to get our hopes up?

Rafiki: *whispers a negative in Nala’s ear*

Lionesses: Well shit. *go back to sleep*

Sora: He not talking ‘cause he’s trying to conceal that they didn’t get Robert Guillaume back for the part?

Nala: No, they totally got him back, just not for this scene apparently. Also he psychically knows you have other places to be and people to save eventually and we need a king that sticks around. And preferably one whose bloodline is actually still royal, we’re kind of set in our ways like that.

Sora: That’s definitely fine by me.

Goofy: Well that’s a relief. There’s getting involved and then there’s whatever this might’ve led to.

Nala: Sorry I dragged you all the way out here where we might’ve been spotted by the army of hyenas that’re actually supposed to be lounging all around here right about now…

Sora: Eh. I like exploring new places.

Nala: Cool. Now piss off before Scar figures out what I just tried to do.

Sora: Not before I talk to everyone here.

Nala: That might take a while.

Sora: I’m aware.

Lioness Number 42: *is suddenly up and pacing around like everyone else* It’s easy to get lost in the vast savannah. Try looking out for landmarks. Things like bones in the Elephant Graveyard, or the craggy mountain here.

Lioness Number 394: This place has gone to ruin ever since Scar became king. What are we supposed to do when the hyenas eat up all our prey?

Lioness Number 62442: There isn’t any prey anywhere. What we should do is cross Wildebeest Valley. But no, Scar would never let us leave here.

Rafiki: The king’s den is in there, where a long line of kings once reigned. Now only pretenders to the throne are there.

Lioness Number 204863: Scar is cruel and brutal. You’d do well to keep your distance from him.

Sora: Which would be my cue to leave, I suppose…Shit.

Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed: Oh hai dinner.

Scar: And so much for keeping things from me.

Pete: I’m a lion now, too! Good thing no one questions blue fur!

Sora: …Why the fuck not, though.

Scar: *easily jumps down from Pride Rock*

Pete: *does not. In fact he kinda falls over himself a lot*

Sora: You all right over there, Tonks?

Pete: Oh fuck off.

Sora: Why are you even here.

Pete: Fucking things up as usual. But I think the real question is why your friends decided to transform into such delectable items of nourishment.

Duckmin: Yeah, I kind of don’t want to be eaten alive, that would not be fun for me.

Goofy: Seriously, why do some people apparently think that’s sexy, why the fuck does Greyback have fangirls, someone please explain.

Scar: Nala, your hunting party hasn’t been doing their job of late.

Nala: Scar, there’s no food. The herds have moved on.

Scar: No! *indicates Duckmin and Goofy* You’re just not looking hard enough!

Nala: It’s over. There’s nothing left. We have only one choice. We must leave Pride Rock.

Scar: …There are three pieces of meat right the fuck over there.

Sora: Dude I’m your own kind, do you really want lion-wendigo hybrids?

Scar: Hey, food’s food and we need to eat to live.

Pete: There you go, I’ve delivered you three mouthfuls that will nowhere near feed all the people you need to, have fun with that. *runs off*

Scar: Oh, I shall.

Nala: *pins him before he can attack Sora* You three fuck off, I got this!

Sora: OKAY! *runs off with Duckmin and Goofy*

Nala: *suddenly catches up with them and runs ahead* Apparently I injured him or something. That or he’s too lazy to even chase me, someone he’s admitted both in a deleted scene and on Broadway that he wants to fuck and produce cubs with. And boy am I not into that.

Sora: Don’t blame you. Say, how’d we outrun all those hyenas just now?

Nala: Not a clue. Sorry I involved you with the plot.

Sora: Eh, we’re used to it.

Duckmin: We should’ve explained from the start that Sora doesn’t really have time for this shit.

Sora: True enough.

Goofy: I just noticed that me and Duckmin still have our hats and you still have your crown chain necklace thing. How isn’t anyone questioning everything.

Sora: No idea. So who would make a good monarch replacement, maybe we could go find them instead.

Nala: The son of the previous king.

Sora: Well there you go—

Nala: Who died at the same time as the previous king.

Sora: …Oh. Sorry.

Nala: Yeah, Simba was a good friend…

Sora: Simba?! If this is his home planet that means he’s not a rock anymore! It’s been a year, I grant you, but when we last saw him he was…a rock that we never used the summon powers of, but he was alive just the same!

Nala: Simba’s alive?! Where is he?!

Sora: …Don’t know, we’re only familiar with half of this area at the moment.

Nala: He’s alive…You don’t know how much this will mean to everyone…What it means to me. Can you tell me anything about him?

Sora: Not really, like I said, we never bothered summoning him which’ll make the reunion a little awkward when no one recognizes each other aside from the fact that we automatically will.

Nala: Oh well, we should get away from Pride Rock in any case since Scar and the hyenas should be on our asses at any moment. Frankly I’m surprised they’re not yet. We’ll go through Wildebeest Valley, there aren’t anymore wildebeest so hopefully no one will die this time. Heh, fun fact, it didn’t get its name until after that particular stampede took place.

Sora: …Lovely. *runs all the way across the savannah again*

~I’m not even kidding, I love how huge this area is.~

Simba: I’m sleepy.

Timon: No time for sleepiness!

Simba: But I’m sleepy though.

Pumbaa: Didn’t sleep enough last night?

Timon: Were you having flashbacks again?

Simba: …Little bit.

Timon and Pumbaa: Hasa diga ebowai!

Simba: Heh, I love that shit. *gets up and walks away*

Timon: Damn he got big, when did that happen?

Pumbaa: I don’t know, I’ve been trained not to reminisce.

Timon: Well now you’re just being an asshole.

Simba: *goes out to the edge of the cliff and collapses on said edge, sending a munch of flowers and leaves floating off into the breeze* …I went through this movie frame by frame and didn’t see the leaves coalesce into either SEX or SFX, am I just missing it, I mean I thought I had a dirtier mind than this, what the hell.

~…That took place at night, though...~

Sora: *staring down at the gorge below him* …That’s a bit of a gap.

Nala: Oh relax, it’s not like there’s fall damage, what’re you worried about?

Sora: Not being able to make it back up again, I can’t high jump in this state! I don’t think. I’m actually not all that sure.

Nala: Come on, woman up. *backs up and run-jumps over the gorge* You coming or what?

Sora: Duckmin might be able to since he can fucking fly, but I don’t know about me and Goofy.

Nala: Fuck’s sake, do I have to do everything for you people…

Sora: What was that, person we’re doing everything for?

Nala: I’m spontaneously teaching you a new ability for no reason!

Sora: I have now learned that ability offscreen! *jumps easily over to the other side where Duckmin and Goofy are already waiting* Goofy, how the fuck did you get over here.

Goofy: No idea.

Sora: Who cares, I can run faster now. *sprints through Wildebeest Valley murdering everything in sight*

~Already another cutaway cutscene. Guess they had to let time pass for this one.~

Leaves: *float all the way from Timon and Pumbaa’s place to Pride Rock since Rafiki’s tree doesn’t exist in this game, which sucks ‘cause that would’ve been a great environment to play with*

Rafiki: *catches the leaves on the air and sniffs them* Good thing this branch is conveniently sticking out of the rocks for me to climb down in a fashion similar to how the movie worked. Hey wow, why did the hyenas not eat me yet when I’m literally living right next to them. *goes into the cave on the side of Pride Rock that Scar still allows him to live in for some reason, throwing the leaves into a giant tortoise shell and swirling them around, eating one of those fruits of his while he ponders the meaning* …Simba?! *looks at the literal cave painting he still has up* He-He’s alive?! He…He’s alive! *laughs with joy, grabs his staff, and paints a mane around the drawing of Simba* …Why am I not saying “It is time” right now, I still have the mouth movements animated for that, what gives.

~And now for him to almost instantly teleport to where these fuckers are right now.~

Nala: Why am I repeating that we were told Simba died alongside Mufasa, we’ve already been through this.

Sora: Who was the one who told you about that, though?

Nala: …Come to think of it, it was totally Scar.

Rafiki: Seriously, did I Apparate, how did I get here so quickly. *stands on a rock outcropping and points ahead with his stick* Oh now I get to say “It is time.”

Sora: …Is this more archival shit or did you actually come back?

Rafiki: It’s not a hundred percent clear.

Nala: Oh yeah, Simba’s definitely in this direction, Rafiki’s psychic like that. *runs ahead*

Sora: Wait up, even though you’re never onscreen when we’re just moving from place to place! *goes right through the wastelands and the jungle of the oasis and see Simba being attacked by Heartless* …Is Nala not here yet even though she went ahead of us, it’s kind of a straight fucking line.

Simba: *roars and makes all the Heartless de-spawn*

Sora: …Well that’s fucking useful!

Simba: *gets into an attack stance*

Sora: Dude, I know I’m a lion now and my voice is way deeper, but it’s me, Sora! The guy who never summoned you and therefore you probably don’t even know who I am! And Duckmin and Goofy are with me too! You probably don’t know them either so I don't even have to explain why we changed one of their names!

Simba: Somehow I do know all of you! *flips Sora over and nuzzles his stomach*

Sora: …Still new to the lion thing and I consider this bad touch.

Simba: How are you even a lion right now, anyway.

Timon and Pumbaa: WE ARE FOREVER DISTRACTING YOU FROM ANSWERING THIS QUESTION WITH OUR SCREAMING!

Simba: Shit, sorry, I gotta go help my foster parents basically sort of I don’t really know what they qualify as! *runs into the jungle*

Sora: Okay, this cutscene will show me immediately leaping in after you!

Simba: Thanks!

Sora: Except now I’m still in the oasis and can talk to a Moogle because why the fuck not. WOW I’m synthesizing a lot of shit.

Goofy: It sounds like Simba’s friends are in trouble! This may be a new enemy. Let’s go after Simba!

Duckmin: I wonder what that scream was. It came from the jungle.

Sora: ...You're a fucking dumbass. *goes into the jungle*

~The first Disney movie I watched this year was...technically Rogue One, but the second one was Lion King, BECAUSE I WANTED TO START THIS YEAR OFF RIGHT GODDAMMIT.~

Chapter Text

~I don’t think I’ve used enough of the actual movie yet. LET’S FIX THAT.~

Timon: *shoving against Pumbaa* Jeez, why do I always have to save your—AAAAHHHH!

Nala: Damn I need food right now, this is perfect… *gets ready to pounce*

Simba: *jumps over them and tackles Nala and starts fighting with her*

Sora: *runs up* Damn it, we should’ve told him about Nala first thing. Then again, she should probably realize who this is considering she knows Simba’s alive now.

Duckmin: Fuck it, they’re not listening to us anyway.

Simba: *tackles Nala and tries to pin her but she flips him around and pins him instead, glaring down at him* …Nala?!

Nala: *looks surprised and gets off of him, backing up*

Simba: *gets up* Is it really you?

Nala: Who are you?

Simba: It’s me! Simba!

Nala: …Simba?

Simba: *nods enthusiastically*

Sora: HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS.

Goofy: Hey, hearing about your best friend being still alive and actually seeing him alive are two totally different things.

Sora: Fair.

Nala: *slowly smiles brightly* WOW!

Simba: AAAAAHHH! *gently headbutts her*

Nala: *circles him* Whoa, how did you—

Simba: *circles her back* Whoa, how did you…WOW!

Nala: Where did you come from?!

Simba: This is gr—It’s great to see you!

Timon: Hey, what’s going on here?

Nala: Oh, it’s great to see you!

Simba: *mock leaps at her* What are you doing here?

Nala: What do you mean, what am I doing here, what’re you doing here?!

Timon: HEY! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?! *turns and sees Sora and runs screaming with Pumbaa*

Simba: Timon, this is Nala, and that’s Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy. She’s my best friend and I was a rock in Sora’s pocket for a stretch.

Timon: …Yeah, just keep saying it, that’ll make it suddenly make sense.

Pumbaa: So none of you carnivores are gonna eat us anytime soon, right?

Sora: Well I have been in the mood for pork recently, but don’t worry, I won’t eat you just because you look like a pig.

Pumbaa: Are you talking to me?

Timon: Uh-oh, you called him a pig.

Pumbaa: Are you talking to me?

Timon: Shouldn’ta done that.

Pumbaa: Are you talking to me?!

Timon: Now they’re in for it.

Pumbaa: THEY CALL ME MR. PIG!

Nala: Not as obnoxious as some Disney sidekicks but they’re kind of getting there.

Simba: Hang on, I got this. Um, could you guys, excuse us for a few minutes?

Timon: …It starts. You think you know a guy.

Pumbaa: *sighs heavily, following Timon to the side of the area*

Timon: I tell ya, Pumbaa, this stinks.

Pumbaa: Oh. Sorry.

Timon: Not you, them! Him! Her! Alooooone!

Pumbaa: What’s wrong with that?

Sora: Oh for fuck’s sake, not every male and female has to end up together!

Timon: You’ve never seen a Disney movie, have you, sport.

Sora: I have seen Brave and loved the shit out of it for not pulling that, yes.

Timon: …Actually that’s a really good example.

Duckmin: Not in this case, though, there’s plenty of evidence to suggest that they’re banging offscreen right now. We should expect Kiara to be running around when we get back.

Goofy: Wow, good thing we left them alone, then.

Timon: *bursts into song* And if he falls in love tonight…

Pumbaa: *sniffs*

Timon: It can be assumed…

Pumbaa: *also bursts into song* His carefree days with us are history…

Timon and Pumbaa: In short, our pal is dooooooooooomed!

Sora: WHY IS THIS MOVIE SO FUCKING GOOD.

Simba: And now let’s jump over to us because fuck those guys. Isn’t this a great place?

Nala: It is beautiful…But I don’t understand something. You’ve been alive all this time…Why didn’t you come back to Pride Rock?

Simba: …Well, I just need to…get out on my own. Live my own life! And I did, and it’s great!

Nala: We’ve really needed you at home. And no, Sora can’t help, Rafiki said so. Well, he can do sideline bullshit, but you’re needed for the main stuff.

Simba: No one needs me.

Nala: Yes, we do! You’re the king!

Simba: Nala, we’ve been through this, I’m not the king! Scar is.

Nala: …Simba, he let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands.

Simba: What?

Nala: Everything’s destroyed. There’s no food, no water…Simba, if you don’t throw your uncle off the cliff and magically restore the entire ecosystem as a result of that action, soon everyone will starve!

Simba: I can’t go back.

Nala: Why?

Simba: You wouldn’t understand.

Nala: What wouldn’t I understand?!

Simba: No, no, no, it doesn’t matter, hasa diga ebowai.

Nala: What?

Simba: Hasa diga ebowai! It’s something I learned out here. When the world is getting you down and there’s nobody else to blame—

Nala: Simba—

Simba: —raise your middle claw to the sky and curse His rotten name!

Nala: For fuck’s sake, Simba, this is your responsibility!

Simba: Well what about, you left!

Nala: I left to find help! And I found you! Don’t you understand? You’re our only hope!

Simba: Tch, sorry.

Nala: What’s happened to you? You’re not the Simba I remember.

Simba: You’re right, I’m not, now are you satisfied?

Nala: No. Just disappointed.

Simba: You know, you’re starting to sound like my father.

Nala: Good. At least one of us does.

Simba: LISTEN! You think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don’t even know what I’ve been through!

Nala: I would if you’d just tell me!

Simba: Forget it! *walks off*

Nala: Fine! *stays where she is angrily*

Timon: And now back to us. *bursts into song again* When God fucks you in the butt…

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, and Pumbaa: *are singing back up* Hasa diga ebowai!

Timon: Fuck God right back in his cunt!

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, and Pumbaa: Hasa diga ebowai!

Nala: All of you shut the fuck up. *leaves the area*

Pumbaa: Nala wants to be left alone. Why don’t you go cheer up Simba, who definitely doesn’t? Hasa diga ebowai…You understand, don’t you, guys?

Timon: Why doesn’t Nala like hasa diga ebowai? It’s a wonderful phrase that means fuck God, blame Him for everything that goes wrong in your life, and do whatever the fuck you want because He certainly gives no fucks about you!

Sora: *tries walking up to Simba but he walks right past them into the jungle without saying anything* Stop, don’t, come back.

~…Apparently they’re gonna spend the night at the oasis! Sure, why not, who knows when the last time they actually slept was.~

Simba: She’s wrong. I can’t go back. What would it prove anyway, it won’t change anything. You can’t change the past… *looks up a the sky and bursts into song*
You promised you’d be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You’re not anywhere
I’m trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare…

~And now for a fun happy flashback.~

Simba: Dad?

Mufasa: Mm?

Simba: We’re pals, right?

Mufasa: Heh heh, right.

Simba: And we’ll always be together, right?

Mufasa: …Simba, let me tell you something that my father told me. Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars.

Simba: Really?

Mufasa: Yes. So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you…and so will I.

Simba: …FUCK YEAH ARCHIVAL RECORDINGS OF JAMES EARL JONES!

Mufasa: SHIT YEAH, WE AIN’T MESSING WITH THIS SCENE FOR SHIT!

~That was legitimately hype.~

Simba: Dude, talk to me, I know there’s a pool right behind me so I could look at my reflection to trigger this conversation but this would go along a lot quicker if you just came at me right now.

Mufasa: Simba…

Simba: Father?

Mufasa: *appears in the clouds, looking more and more badass the longer the sequence goes on* Simba, you have forgotten me.

Simba: No! How could I?

Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. There's a lot more to you than there is to you. You must take your place in the great circle of…stuff.

Simba: I don’t understand.

Mufasa: Of course you don’t, I’m speaking in riddles. That’s kind of the point.

Simba: How can I go back? I’m not who I used to be.

Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. This is CNN.

Simba: Wait! Please! Don’t leave me!

Mufasa: CNN. *starts to disappear into the clouds again*

Simba: Father!

Mufasa: C…N…N… *clouds themselves disappear*

Simba: Don’t leave me… *stares at the sky for a bit* Tell me I’m not the only one who saw that.

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, Timon, and Pumbaa: Nope, that was trippy as shit.

Simba: So don’t forget, if you just wish for it hard enough and possibly look at your reflection for long enough, you’ll spontaneously be able to talk to dead relatives.

Timon: Let me get this straight. You’re the king? And you never told us?

Simba: Look, I’m still the same guy!

Timon: But with power!

Sora: Speaking of, I just got a Keyblade called Circle of Life. I think this is the first Keyblade I’ve gotten that lets me equip it before the storyline of a planet ends. And this…actually has an increased attack stat. HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’M GONNA SWITCH OUT WEAPONS IN THE WHOLE GAME. *switches out weapon immediately at the nearest opportunity*

Pumbaa: You can run fast like lions, right? I wish I could do that, too. It’d be useful when running away…

Timon: So, you’re returning to the Pride Lands even though that’s the name of this entire planet so you can’t really escape it…You can prepare for your journey here. Whatever you do, don’t get hurt.

Sora: *runs all the way back to the savannah with Simba and Duckmin, and apparently the rest as an offscreen entourage*

Simba: *stares out at what used to be his homeland*

Nala: It’s awful, isn’t it.

Simba: I didn’t want to believe you.

Nala: What made you come back?

Sora: The trippiest thing ever.

Simba: Fuck that shit, this is my kingdom. If I don’t fight for it, who will.

Nala: I will.

Simba: It’s gonna be dangerous.

Nala: Danger? Ha! I laugh in the face of danger, ha ha ha ha!

Timon: I see nothing funny about this. What’re we even fighting here? What is this enemy you speak of?

Simba: It’s the most dangerous one of all.

Pumbaa: Drugs?

Nala: Yes. It’s a big packet of crack walkin’ at you. But it’s EVIL.

Simba: Actually my uncle.

Timon: *stares out at the savannah* Ugh, we’re gonna fight your uncle for this?

Simba: Yes, Timon. This is my home.

Timon: Oh. Talk about your fixer-upper. Well Simba, if it’s important to you, we’re with you to the end.

Simba: *smiles in gratitude and teleports to Pride Rock*

Scar: *is staring down at the sleeping lionesses* Lazy assholes…Then again I ain’t doing shit either, but it’s the lionesses’ job to do the hunting. Seriously. That’s not a comment on women having to slave over their men, that’s how lions fucking work.

Simba: I’m over here now!

Scar: Mufasa? No! You’re dead!

Simba: *jumps down to his level*

Scar: Simba? Simba! Ho ho, I’m a little surprised to see you! Alive…

Simba: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t rip you apart.

Scar: Oh Simba, you must understand! The pressures of ruling the kingdom—

Simba: Are no longer yours. Step down, Scar.

Scar: Oh, I would, naturally. However, there is one little problem. You see them? *points at hyenas that aren’t onscreen right now* They think I’m king.

Nala: Well we don’t. *steps up with Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, Timon, and Pumbaa* Simba’s the rightful king.

Sora: Wow, we're resolving this plot quick.

Simba: The choice is yours, Scar. Either step down or fight.

Scar: Oh, must this all end in violence. I’d hate to be responsible for the death of a family member, wouldn’t you agree, Simba?

Simba: That’s not going to work, Scar. I’ve put it behind me.

Scar: But what about your faithful subjects, have they put it behind them?

Nala: Simba, what is he talking about?

Scar: Ah, so you haven’t told them your little secret. Well, Simba, now’s your chance to tell them. Tell them, who is responsible for Mufasa’s death?

Simba: …I am.

Nala: …Well that explains a lot.

Sora: That’s rough, buddy.

Scar: You see? He admits it! Murderer!

Simba: No, it was an accident!

Scar: *starts circling him* If it weren’t for you, Mufasa would still be alive! It’s your fault he’s dead! Do you deny it?

Simba: No.

Scar: Then you’re guilty!

Simba: No, I’m not a murderer!

Scar: *starts forcing Simba to back away with the hyenas behind him* Oh, Simba, you’re in trouble again. But this time, Daddy isn’t here to save you. And now everyone knows why!

Simba: *slips off the edge of Pride Rock and just barely manages to hang on* Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if lightning chose to strike the dead plants at the base of Pride Rock, creating a flash fire and therefore a credible threat considering everyone knows there’s no fall damage in this game?

Scar: No kidding, this is all rather anticlimactic without the right atmosphere. And music.

Simba: It all comes back to the music, doesn’t it.

Goofy: ...Should we be doing something?

Sora Eh.

Scar: Now this looks familiar. Hmm, where have I seen this before, let me think, hmm…Oh yes, I remember! This is just the way your father looked before he died.

Simba: *is slipping*

Scar: *digs his claws into Simba’s paws* And here’s my little secret. *leans in and whispers* I killed Mufasa!

Simba: This sudden flashback of Dad’s death has suddenly given me the strength to jump up and knock you on your back, you murderer! *finally learns how to pin a dude*

Scar: Aw come on, don’t fuck everything up!

Simba: Tell them the truth.

Scar: You know, this could be considered coercion, since you’re literally crushing my esophagus right now. But fine, I did it.

Simba: So they can hear you.

Scar: I KILLED MUFASA!

Hyenas: *come running out and drive Simba off of Scar, who runs back into Pride Rock*

Sora: Simba! You get Scar, we got his lackeys!

Simba: Sure, but there’s no way the hyenas will just let me run through them! *runs through the hyenas with no resistance* …Well then.

Sora: *is about to attack the hyenas when Timon and Pumbaa come charging through, knocking hyenas everywhere with Pumbaa’s tusks before suddenly running in fear of more of them, also into Pride Rock* …What the shit, they were being really effective, why’d they stop. Also WHY ARE NONE OF YOU HELPING.

Lionesses: WE’RE STARVING TO SHIT DOWN HERE.

Sora: So’s Nala, she’s still fighting!

Goofy: Scar sure is bad!

Sora: …He murdered his own brother, victim-blamed his nephew into believing said nephew was the one responsible, apparently tried to have him killed as well, and pretty much single-handedly destroyed an entire ecosystem within the space of a few years.

Goofy: Yep, he sure is bad!

Sora: …I hope when I grow up, I get to be as fucking clueless as you.

Goofy: So, we really need to be ready to help out against the hyenas.

Duckmin: Nala, Timon, and the others all went to the king’s den! The hyenas ran after them, too. We’ve got to help Timon and the others!

Lioness Number 42: Scar ran toward the king’s den! Scar’s despicable, but he’s strong. Be careful.

Lioness Number 394: Scar told us that Mufasa died in a wildebeest stampede. I can’t believe it was actually Scar who killed him. He has to pay!

Lioness Number 62442: The hyenas also benefitted from Mufasa being gone. That’s probably why they teamed up with Scar.

Lioness Number 596: Scar tries to confuse his opponents by jumping in and out. Plan your tactics accordingly when fighting him.

Rafiki: *is inside his cave thing* So Scar fled to the king’s den, eh? That leads to the peak. It’s time for Simba to show everyone he’s fit to be King!

Sora: ALL RIGHT, LET’S DO THIS SHIT! *enters the king’s den, defends Timon and Pumba from Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed, and sends all three of them running with surprisingly little fanfare* Okay now what.

Nala: Well Simba went up to the peak…

Sora: Cool.

Timon: If Scar’s alone, I’m sure Simba can handle it, but who knows what he has planned? Please, Sora. Go make sure Simba’s all right.

Nala: Simba…You have to beat Scar…Please save our kingdom…

Pumbaa: Simba chased after Scar toward the peak up above. This is the grand finale. Go cheer Simba on!

Sora: I will. *goes up to the peak*

Scar: *circling Simba* What are you going to do? You wouldn’t kill your own uncle!

Simba: *circling Scar* No, Scar. I’m not like you.

Scar: Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble, I’ll make it up to you, I promise. And how can I prove myself to you? Tell me, anything.

Simba: Run.

Scar: *look of shocked realization*

Simba: Run away, Scar. And never return.

Scar: …Yes. Of course. As you wish, Your Majesty! *throws nonexistent embers in Simba’s face*

Simba: *starts fighting Scar in slow motion* How much does it blow that no one can get our battle music unless they rip the audio and upload it to YouTube or something.

Scar: Well at least we can actually blame Disney for not letting us have nice things as the reason this fight isn’t nearly as epic as it could be, as usual.

Simba: Indeed.

Duckmin: Once again, shouldn’t we be helping?

Sora: Enh…Naaaah.

Simba: And now to kick you off the cliff when you leap at me in order to restore the ecosystem.

Scar: That’s not how that works but okay. WHEEEEEEEE NO FALL DAMAAAAAGE~!

Simba: Oh right. Well with any luck you’ll get eaten by hyenas.

Sora: The important thing is you’re alive and you totally won and we’re witnesses and congrats you’re the new king.

Pete: Except not. *lumbers up to the peak and points behind them* He’s a Heartless now, though for some reason he looks exactly like himself with a dark aura instead of a mutated monster. One thing’s for sure, though, the Organization ain’t getting a Nobody outta this one! Also, you thought the Pride Lands were dead as shit before? You ain’t seen nothing yet! They'll soon be the Pride Lands of Darkness!

Simba: But the land that the darkness touches I don't own. That's outside of our jurisdiction, Scar. We can't do that.

Scar: *clambers back up to the peak, making everything surrounded by blue clouds as he does so*

Simba: …Wanna help me kill this guy?

Sora and Duckmin: Sure, why the fuck not. *help Simba kill this guy*

Duckmin: Yo, we're at the top of Pride Rock, uh, and it looks like it was built on the...bones of elephants?

Sora: Why is it translucent?

Simba: No it's fine shut up.

Scar: *collapses dead on the peak*

Simba: …WELL OKAY THEN! *goes down a level and takes the walk to the edge of Pride Rock* Where’s the symbolic rain washing away the old reign as I enter my own? Also MUSIC IS NEEDED TO MAKE THINGS WORK WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THIS. *walks to the edge of Pride Rock and roars anyway*

Lionesses: *roar in response*

Mufasa: *straight up appears before him in the clouds again* I thought I was supposed to just be a gap in the clouds telling you to remember again, but fuck it, I’m right here to offer my conglaturations once again.

Sora: No, apparently you’re needed for me to open another gate to…nothing, really, every planet is open by this point. Why couldn’t we have used Rafiki’s stick or something actually physical.

Rafiki: No, no! Not the stick!

Timon: Wait, back up, what the fuck just happened.

Sora: Basically we have to peace out until whenever the fuck we feel like coming back.

Pumbaa: Want us to let people know?

Goofy: Nah, we’ll be back in like thirty seconds anyway, I know Sora.

Timon: Shit, Simba’s really king now. Hope he still has time for the people who raised him.

Sora: Hey, hasa diga ebowai, amirite?

Pumbaa: Damn right.

Timon: Hasa diga ebowai indeed. Especially if Simba forgets to tell every carnivore who lives here not to eat us.

Pumbaa: Good point, I’m gonna go into hiding until he puts the official word out there. *runs away*

Sora: I’m sure he will, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL. Also I just learned Fira. Awesome. *gets kicked off planet* Oh hey, new Underdrome tournament. *goes and beats Cerberus Cup before coming back to Pride Rock*

Duckmin: …I just realized we picked up a Shaman’s Relic from one of the many Shaman Heartless we killed. That’s…actually a really powerful weapon, I’m keeping this.

Timon: *at the oasis with Pumbaa* Hasa diga ebowai. Yep, that’s the life for us!

Pumbaa: A bird and a turtle. You’re a strange bunch. What? We’re strange, too? Well, all that really matters is having fun.

Lioness Number 42: *back at Pride Rock, obviously* The hyenas are vicious; they hunt just for the thrill of it. They ate up all the prey almost immediately.

Lioness Number 394: All our problems won’t disappear just because we have a new king. Still, I won’t lose hope. Having it means a world of difference.

Sora: You understand how reality works better than most Americans, you know that?

Lioness Number 62442: Simba and Nala used to play together when they were younger. They were really close, those two. And now they’re fucking each other! Tee hee!

Lioness Number 204863: Nala taught me how to run fast despite me being far older than her. It sure is easier to catch food now!

Nala: Simba is lucky to have friends such as you. If Scar had friends like you, maybe he wouldn’t have been that way.

Rafiki: The king has returned, but much yet needs to be done to restore our kingdom. Still, this challenge may be just what Simba needs.

Sora: *sticks around until he’s level sixty because he knows what’s coming next*

~SOON.~

Chapter Text

~Wouldn't it be funny if I posted this chapter a day late because I forgot?~

Sora: OH RIGHT, TWILIGHT TOWN’S AVAILABLE AGAIN! *lands there* Man, I forgot how soothing this music was.

Vivi: *running past* Yo, Seifer got his ass beat in the sandlot, go check it out, it’s fucking hilarious.

Sora: Man I love that guy. So let’s check it out, could be funny. *starts to run toward the sandlot but finds himself able to walk around Tram Common at his leisure* …TIME TO CHECK OUT MINI GAMES! *does all the jobs both here and in Station Heights* Nice to know that no one actually pays you for any of this…Pity I only really completed the skateboard mission to Jiminy’s satisfaction, that was ridiculously easy, it almost felt like muscle memory for some reason. Aaaaand suddenly there are puzzle pieces everywhere, works for me.

Setzer: I came because I heard there was gonna be another Struggle battle. The promoter in the Sandlot should be able to tell you more.

Sora: Boy do I not care. *collects a bunch of shit and putzes around a bunch before going to the sandlot*

Dusks: *have surrounded Seifer, Fuu, and Rai, who are all on the ground*

Seifer: OH I’M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

Sora: Hang on, let’s fight these guys off for you before we laugh at your pain. *fights off all the Nobodies* That was a new type…

Saïx: Indeed it was. Anyway, you seen a guy called Axel anywhere?

Sora: You mean the guy who, in the manga version, tried to grab me and drag me with him through a Dark Corridor, possibly to where he took Kairi, except you kicked his ass and prevented him from probably helping me?

Saïx: Yes, the man who will not be making that cameo in this version.

Sora: Shame.

Saïx: Indeed, you must miss him.

Sora: …No, I meant shame in a sarcastic way since I couldn’t help you find the person you were looking for, I’ve never met the guy before.

Saïx: Sure. Go with that. But at any rate, Axel is a traitor to our cause.

Goofy: So he’s another Nobody in the Organization?

Saïx: He’s a Nobody, but he’s no longer within our ranks.

Duckmin: Awww, did you two have a fight?

Saïx: Yes, actually.

Sora: I fail to be impressed.

Saïx: CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Axel wants to turn you into a Heartless, I say in a blatant effort for you to always go against him because you should totally trust the guy in the hood who won’t show his face and whom you’ve been specifically told to hunt down and kill.

Sora: I’ll be sure to take that under advisement.

Saïx: You should. We actually want you to continue to live.

Duckmin: Why do I doubt that.

Saïx: Probably because we’re the villains of this game. *lowers his hood and clears his hair out of his jacket with a flourish* Here’s a neat tip: Unlike the lower-ranked Nobodies you were just fighting, we actually remember what it’s like to have hearts. That knowledge of what emotions are like further allows us to manipulate yours. So you should totally trust everything I say right now, including about Axel.

Goofy: Oh we totally will for some reason.

Saïx: *summons a Dark Corridor* You guys just keep fighting Heartless. Seriously. Defeat the root of all evil. We freely encourage this and are totally not setting up Heartless everywhere, or at least not as much as Pete and Maleficent are.

Sora: I say we all pile into the evil portal of evil evilness after him.

Duckmin:Why.

Sora: ‘Cause maybe then he’ll take us to his leader.

Saïx: I can hear everything you’re saying, you know. And I don’t really recommend taking one of us on, Riku tried it and look what happened to him.

Sora: W-What? What’re you talking about?

Saïx: Good, I have you frozen in shock. Think I’ll peace out dramatically now. *peaces out dramatically now*

Sora: Shit, I was frozen in shock. And no I don’t know what happened to Riku, why won’t anyone tell me what happened to Riku.

Seifer: I don’t know and I don’t care, get the fuck off my planet.

Duckmin: Okay. Sora, we’ll talk later, okay?

Seifer: Before you leave, though…

Duckmin: Oh for fuck’s sake, we don’t want to talk to you either, asswipe.

Seifer: *pulls Struggle trophy out of his ass* This goes to the strongest guy in Twilight Town.

Sora: Then why doesn’t Vivi have it right now.

Seifer: You shut your whore mouth. And it’s really only used for the Struggle tournament, which is why I’m giving it to the person who doesn’t have anything to do with the Struggle tournament.

Sora: …We’re good, thanks.

Seifer: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG. *shoves it at Goofy*

Goofy: But I’ve barely fought all game!

Sora: But you’re awesome when you do and Seifer must psychically know it.

Seifer: *walks off with Fuu and Rai*

Sora: …Were we supposed to be impressed by that or something?

Pence: *runs up to them* YO, GUYS! Wow, nice new outfit, Sora, this one’s way better.

Sora: Thanks, um…Pence?

Pence: Yep! So do you know a girl named Kairi, by any chance?

Sora: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING OFF THE ISLANDS.

Pence: I’ll take that as a yes. Come up to the station, we’ll be able to talk over there instead of me telling you right here.

Sora: Okay! I accept this lack of logic!

Rai: You just caught Seifer off-guard, y’know!

Fuu: Upset.

Seifer: I don’t like this.

Sora: THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THE TROPHY.

Seifer: You can have that trophy now, but I’ll be getting it back!

Sora: No you won’t,

Seifer: No I won’t.

Pence: J-Just hurry to the Station Plaza! You can ask more about Kairi there!

Sora: I already know! *runs up to the station where Pence is magically also arriving at despite you leaving him behind at the Sandlot*

Hayner and Olette: WE’RE HERE TO ADD TO PENCE’S EXPOSITION!

Sora: Seriously, how the fuck do you people know Kairi, she doesn’t even go here.

Hayner and Olette: LET’S LOOK REALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT HAVING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

Sora: We're off to a rollicking good start.

Background: *shows a flashback of Kairi laughing and hanging out with Hayner, Pence, and Olette*

Sora: So she really did spontaneously teleport to a different planet.

Hayner: Yep, Olette offered to let her crash at her place and everything, though I don’t think she took my suggestion of working at a maid café seriously.

Sora: I can’t imagine why. So where is she now?

Hayner: Well in order to explain that, we’ll have to seamlessly meld into the flashback.

Olette: It’s actually not that seamless. So Kairi, that story sounds amazing…ly hard to believe, but you did just come out of a portal in the wall so who are we to judge.

Pence: And Sora was here with a giant anthropomorphic duck and dog duo a short time ago, and even though he was terrified he was never gonna come back for some reason the plot will demand that he return sometime so just stick around and he’ll probably turn up.

Hayner: Just don’t create a subplot where Seifer falls for you, that would just be annoying.

Kairi: Yeah, sometimes the manga adds neat tidbits and sometimes it should stop doing what it’s doing.

Axel: I’m still fond of it, though. Aren’t you? *appears in the usual spot* Of all the planets in all the universe you had to walk into this one, didn’t you. And I’m really surprised you just ran into the darkness like that without the aid of a cloak. Guess you really are a being of pure light, aren’t you.

Hayner and Pence: *try tackling him*

Axel: *dodges*

Olette: *tries to hit him with a bat full of nails*

Axel: …Okay, see, manga additions like that I like, why wasn’t that in-game. *sets bat on fire and Olette hastily drops it. IN MY MIND* C’mon, Kairi, we got places to be. *grabs her arm and starts dragging her back to the Dark Corridor*

Kairi: Hey, can you explain anything? Please? Instead of nothing? I’d go with you willingly if you explained Roxas and Sora’s connection!

Axel: Ah but that would be logical, and I’m kind of an emotional wreck at the moment so excuse me for totally not doing that. Now quit struggling already.

Kairi: I feel like if anyone but your doctor or your dentist tells you not to struggle, you should probably struggle way harder. *struggles way harder to no avail because she has tiny girl arms*

Pluto: *was here too apparently before once again running into a Dark Corridor to who knows where*

Hayner: So yeah. There was a girl and a dog here. They’re gone now.

Duckmin and Goofy: Let’s continue to not give a shit about Pluto!

Sora: Kairi… *looks at thalassa charm*

Goofy: Was it that Axel guy, do you think?

Duckmin: We didn’t get a description but Saïx was sure he was in the area so maybe.

Hayner: Yeah, we suck.

Sora: Ah, you didn’t have weapons and he’s a pyro. I somehow know. But don’t worry, I can planet-hop and you can’t so I’ll be sure to get her back!

Goofy: Your wild gesticulations made me drop that trophy Seifer gave us! And now it’s all broked!

Red, yellow, and green marbles: *conveniently roll towards Hayner, Olette, and Pence, respectively*

Pence: What kind of cheep-ass glue did they use to hold this together?

Sora: Don’t know. *picks up the blue one and holds it up so it sparkles in the sunlight*

Goofy: *takes the other blue one out of the munny pouch and also holds it up to the light*

Hayner, Pence, and Olette: That looks neat. *do the same thing with their own marbles* Shiny…

Duckmin: Aww, I feel left out.

Roxas: *stares at the setting sunlight glistening off the marble*

Duckmin: Sora, you’re zoning out on us.

Goofy: It’s not that shiny.

Sora: Oh, my bad.

Olette: I should really say something about that munny pouch, but I choose not to. Because I’m a fucking idiot.

Sora’s marble: *glows and starts to float* Oh cool, a new…section of the game is open, we can’t really say planet anymore, can we, we opened every single planet that exists in this game. *unlocks the thingy*

Pence: …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t understand what’s going on here.

Sora: Don’t worry about it, just know I’m gonna save Kairi and our other friend Riku.

Olette: Well fuck off then I guess.

Hayner: You gonna come back quicker than last time?

Sora: Of course, I’m swinging back around as fast as I can!

Sunset: *is pretteh*

Oathkeeper Keyblade: *IS FINALLY AVAILABLE TO EQUIP. It has less strength than Circle of Life but has better magic so it’s the most balanced one available at the moment*

~Fucking love that Keyblade, I would’ve equipped it regardless.~

Saïx: *Apparates into the Round Room* My hood shall remain off for the rest of the game, you can’t stop me.

Xemnas: Hey, man, whatever floats your boat. So did you do the thing?

Saïx: I did indeed.

Xemnas: EXCELLENT! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA! Seriously, though, I love how you’re one of the more douchier members of the Organization, it makes everything so much easier. Pretty soon, Sora will become totally ineffectual, and when he does he’ll make such a strive to become effectual again that he’ll turn absolutely cray-cray, fitting neatly into the palm of our collective hand.

Saïx: Question.

Xemnas: What is it?

Saïx: It's an interrogative statement used to test knowledge, but that's not important right now.

Xemnas: If it’s about Axel again, my decision is final. Roxas wasn’t even his real friend, he shouldn’t keep trying so hard to save someone he didn’t care about.

~What nice guys. I love them so.~

Sora: We’re back to exactly where we were at the beginning of the first game, with all three of the same people to track. What the shit have we been doing with our lives.

Duckmin: Dude we got this.

Goofy: We’ve done it before and we can do it again, and this time we have way more experience in any case!

Sora: So do the villains.

Goofy: Look, if we follow the plot we will find them, trust me on this.

Duckmin: What he said.

Sora: Okay…

Chip: Guys? Hollow Bastion’s about to fall into darkness again apparently.

Dale: Yeah, pretty sure it’s not supposed to do that.

Chip: You guys better get down there and prepare for the most epic half time show of your lives!

Sora: …Maybe later. *swings back around to Twilight Town*

Goofy: I’m so glad the plot doesn’t move forward unless we demand it to.

Duckmin: Yeah, we could leave it in that state for weeks and it’ll still be there ready to be worked out when we get back.

Sora: I just noticed the only save area on the planet is in the usual spot, that’s convenient.

Pence: Sora! Duckmin! Goofy! It’s good to see you again! The Synthesis Workshop…has already been opened, but it might be useful to your journey. Check it out!

Hayner: Hey! How’s your journey been going? Nothing much is going on here. The Struggle promoter has something going on. You may want to check it out.

Olette: You came back! I’m so happy to see you! People are hiring again. You may want to take on a few no-paying jobs in order to fill up your journal while you’re here.

Fuu: Instant annihilation.

Rai: I don’t know who you are…but you don’t stand a chance Struggling against Seifer, y’know?

Seifer: Whether brawling or Struggling, I’m not gonna lose to the likes of you! Try coming back again in ten years.

Sora: Please, I’ve been kicking your ass with regularity and you know it!

Seifer: …No you haven’t.

Sora: No I haven’t, I don’t know why I just said that.

Struggle dude: You don’t have enough experience to fight Seifer yet!

Sora: BITCH I AM LEVEL SIXTY.

Duckmin: No, you gotta look at the board to fight matches before fighting Seifer.

Sora: …Oh. I knew that.

Struggle dude: And then you have to fight both Hayner and Setzer about ten or more times each before fighting Seifer.

Sora: …Great… *throws on the Moana soundtrack on his iPod before murdering Hayner, a dude he’s come to know and kind of respect, and Setzer, a man he knows nothing about considering he’s never played FFVI and therefore has no opinion of, repeatedly before getting a chance to fight someone he actually hates*

Seifer: Kneel, loser!

Sora: *takes every single one of his orbs before the time’s even half up* Well this was largely pointless.

Duckmin: According to the journal, there should be a skateboard challenge somewhere around here.

Sora: Where, everyone here’s just repeating old dialogue about jobs and shit.

Letter lady: No, I’m actually offering because my whole job revolves around skateboarding.

Sora: Wow, again with the sense-making. Aaaaaand there’s no way to complete any other mini-game the way I am now so I guess I’ll move on with the plot. *leaves planet*

~…Well wasn’t that the shortest chapter ever.~

Goofy: …Hold up, didn’t you just get a new outfit or something?

Sora: …Oh yeah, I completely forgot that Final Mix offers that while I was basking in the glory that is the Oathkeeper Keyblade! Limit Form, huh, looks like my old outfit only not nearly as stupid-looking—I GET DODGE ROLL WITH THIS OUTFIT WE ARE LEVELING IT UP RIGHT THE SHIT NOW. WAIT HOW DO WE DO THAT.

Duckmin: *looking at an online FAQ* Looks like you have to complete a limit, and each limit takes half your MP so you get basically two shots in before you have to hit up a save point and either recharge or leave the planet again. And this is assuming you even land them, the enemy has to be either really tough or there has to be a lot of them.

Sora: …What about that Black Mushroom Heartless in Agrabah, the one that just lays there asleep while you wail on it and try to drain its health while it’s constantly using Rest?

Goofy: That might work.

Sora: Okay, let’s try this out! *goes to Agrabah and activates Drive Form—I mean Goku uniform, forgot about the gimmick for a sec* I don’t even have to absorb either of you to create this outfit, do I, that’s interesting—wait where did you two go and why do I basically look like a Heartless now. Shit, I activated the Anti-Form, didn’t I. Wow, uh, I don’t know if it’s safe to wear this anymore. At least I can try reverting…Why can’t I revert. Fuck, I’m just stuck like this until the Drive Gauge runs out? I can’t even activate the fight with the Black Mushroom! Damn it, will I even be able to activate the save point to try and leave? Fuck it, I have to try! A KAMUI IS JUST CLOTHING! AND I SHALL MAKE IT BOW TO MY WILL! *leaves and is immediately himself again*

Duckmin and Goofy: What the fuck just happened.

Sora: Don’t know, and I don’t want it happening again. SHIT MY DRIVE GAUGE IS EMPTY.

Goofy: Well we have Drive Recoveries—

Sora: Emergency items only, I’m gonna kill things to fill it up again. *kills things to fill it up again* Okay, let’s try this again…This is a pretty cool looking Goku uniform, not gonna lie. *levels it up, leaves the planet, and comes back to keep leveling it up* WHY DOES THE ANTI-FORM KEEP HAPPENING THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Duckmin: You do know you get a trophy if you activate it like thirteen times or something, right?

Sora: Yeah but what if I want the actual fucking outfit I want at a critical moment? Why is the Anti-Form even a thing, I thought harnessing the power of my friends was supposed to be a good thing!

Goofy: It’s probably the whole “With great power” bullshit or something, or purposefully not letting you have too much of a good thing.

Sora: Yeah well it’s stupid, I don’t even use these forms all that much unless I’m leveling it up or I need to get something out of my reach so I switch to Valor. I mean there’s never an in-game explanation or discussion of it at all!

Goofy: Then I guess it’s up to player interpretation, like any other piece of art.

Sora: Eh, fair enough I guess.

~But seriously, aside from Dodge Roll? Not the biggest fan of Limit Form.~

Chapter Text

~And here…we…go. Ish. Almost. Really close though.~

Sora: WUT UP HOLLOW BASTION!

Soldier Heartless: ‘Sup.

Duckmin: Well at least they all disappeared quickly for no reason.

Sora: The reason being that they’re not supposed to be in this area and they know it.

Goofy: Also it looks like we’ve hit the point in the game where there are more, stronger Heartless in every world and each gives out more experience.

Group of Dusks: *float by* I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

Duckmin: Aw, that still makes me sad.

Goofy: Even more now, considering.

Duckmin: Yeah...

Sora: Let’s see if the others are doing anything to help with this, because my money’s on no.

Goofy: They’re probably all grouped together at Merlin’s or something, that’s where they usually are.

Scrooge: Ach! I was so close to recreating that flavor, too…What, lads? Squall and the others are in the borough. Aye, Merlin’s house.

Sora: …Thanks for psychically telling us exactly what we needed to know.

Scrooge: I thought it’d taste better…I just can’t seem to get it right. If I could make that ice cream, I know everyone would love it, and I’d make a fortune.

Sora: That’s nice for you. Wait…Is that…YO CLOUD, WHAT UP?!

Cloud: Oh, you know. Leaning against a wall.

Duckmin: What’re you doing out of Olympus?

Cloud: Trying to figure out what the fuck’s going on with our mythos. All I know is that Sephiroth should be fucking dead by now and he isn’t. I guess in this game he’s my Heartless or some shit. Maybe he is to me what Vanitas is to Ventus or something, Iunno.

Duckmin: What’s with the Advent Children look? That one sleeve isn’t covering up geostigma, is it?

Cloud: Nah, I just walked off a movie set. Anyway, tell me if you run into Sephiroth.

Sora: Despite doing everything in my power to beat him last year, I have no idea who you’re talking about.

Cloud: The toughest optional boss fight in the vanilla version of this game until Lingering Will happened. Probably still nowhere near Ozma’s level in either case, frankly. Maybe.

Sora: I’ll keep that in mind. Later, I guess.

Cloud: Be careful. Seriously, he will kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata, hiding with the candy, hoping that the small children don’t break through with the sticks.

Goofy: …What?

Aerith: HAY GURL!

Sora: I take it you two know each other?

Cloud: I dress up like a woman one time, Aerith!

Sora: …Well that answers that question...

Aerith: *bends down to get a better look at Cloud’s face* Still can’t believe you were prettier than both me and Tifa put together!

Cloud: …Can we be serious for a sec? I don’t really want you involved in this shit, I am legitimately worried that you will die. Or might be dead already, I’m not too sure of the timeline.

Aerith: Phoenix down, bitches!

Cloud: WHY DIDN’T WE AT LEAST TRY THAT SHIT.

Aerith: The same reason we didn’t spare a Soft for Nanaki’s dad.

Cloud: Oh yeah, that was kind of dickish of us.

Aerith: …So going to fight Sephiroth again?

Cloud: Probably. Guy just won’t fucking stay dead.

Aerith: Yeah, that sucks. I do wish you’d let us help, FFVII also let you take in a party of three for the final battle.

Cloud: Bitch I lost you once, I’m not losing you or anyone else again.

Aerith: And what happens when we lose you?

Cloud: Then I’ll do my damndest to take the other guy with me so you guys will have each other and not have to worry.

Aerith: Okay. Go bang Tifa.

Cloud: Oh that’s one interpretation—

Aerith: Word of God, bro.

Cloud: Word of God just says we confess our feelings for each other, not that we fucked.

Aerith: LET ME WRITE MY FANFICTION, YOU FUCKER.

Cloud: As long as it doesn’t feature me mowing the lawn. *leaves*

Aerith: *chokes on her own vomit* He did not need to remind me of that...

Sora: …Do I want to—

Aerith: NO YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING KNOW.

Sora: …Well now that she’s suddenly vanished from the area, let’s check up on other people. *goes into the borough and kills some new Heartless* …Did I just pick up an Akashic Record on the first try?

Goofy: You sure did! A-hyuk! *immediately equips it*

Sora: Wow, holy fuck I love having like three Lucky Luckys equipped already! *goes into Merlin’s house*

Cid: *furiously typing on the keyboard* THIS IS HOW HACKING WORKS.

Yuffie: I hate my life.

Cid: *sees Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy* Yo, Squall apparently has a new pad or something, ‘cause he ain’t here. Go find him and talk to him.

Sora: Why?

Yuffie: Plot reasons. Ansem’s computer-related plot reasons.

Duckmin: Those are pretty compelling reasons.

Cid: If it works, you should be able to just straight-up Google all the info you want.

Sora: Including Riku and Kairi?

Duckmin: What about the King?

Cid: I’d hold off on Googling Mickey Mouse, everything will come up and it’ll be hard to sort through that much history. The other two should come up much easier.

Yuffie: I’d suggest turning safe-search on first, though.

Sora: Why’s that?

Cid: Because the internet is for porn. Now go through the castle postern already.

Sora: …The what?

Yuffie: That gate in the bailey that you couldn’t get through before is open now.

Sora: Ah.

Yuffie: We’re monitors of the Heartless! As such, we place you in charge of attacking them! Good luck~!

Sora: Thanks. Ass.

Cid: You can get to the computer room from the postern. Watch your backs.

Merlin: There sure are a lot of problems lately. Just look at this strange machine in my room. It completely ruins the atmosphere!

Sora: Oh fuck off. *goes to the bailey*

Yuna: Hey, are you with those Final Fantasy dudes?

Sora: *turns and sees the Gullwings* …Why are you three now tiny fairies.

Yuna: I wish I knew. But what’s Squall doing, anyway?

Sora: Well you guys seem trustworthy enough. We’re about to do computer shit down at the base of the castle.

Rikku: For some reason we find this to be important information!

Paine: Now let’s get out of here already.

Duckmin: Why, you gotta go see someone?

Yuna: Yeah, we gotta meet up with our leader.

Rikku: And don’t worry, it’s not my dumbass brother. She’s infinitely more badass than him, that Malefi—

Paine: *covers Rikku’s mouth* Ignore her. She’s basically a Chihuahua with a skirt.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: …Yeah we know you guys are talking about Maleficent.

Paine: It’s the problem with suddenly being turned into fairies for no reason, suddenly we have to associate ourselves with another fairy. But don’t worry, aside from the snitching we’re unfortunately absurdly harmless in this game.

Yuna: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Paine: Hmph. You explain, then. *Disapparates*

Yuna: *bows deeply* I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! *also Disapparates*

Rikku: *does a cute little pose before also also Disapparating*

Sora: Well those three haven’t changed at all.

Duckmin: Know ‘em pretty well, do you?

Sora: My old PS2 save file’s still at 98%. I know those women. *goes through the now-open gate* WOW this planet’s bigger than I thought all of a sudden. Still not as cool as the old castle but still starting to get more interesting. *reaches the base of the castle* Wonder why we never ran into any of this during all the times we fell last year. HEY SQUALL, WHERE YOU AT!

Aerith: I’m over here!

Sora: Hey, you’re not Squall!

Aerith: …How very astute of you.

Sora: So where’s Ansem’s computer?

Aerith: Inside, being checked out by the King.

Duckmin: The King? I say when I should be acting way more excited right now?

Aerith: Yep, he’s with Squall right now.

Duckmin: I believe this dramatic reveal should’ve been done in a full-on cutscene so that we could emote better!

Goofy: I agree with you!

Sora: Obligatory asking for Riku. Not Kairi, though, just Riku.

Aerith: That’s fine, neither of them are here in any case.

Sora: Crap baskets. At least I can ask the guy who saw Riku last. Also Google.

Aerith: Indeed. Door’s over there whenever you’re ready.

Sora: Awesome, thanks.

Aerith: The computer’s up ahead. The way gets a bit tricky inside. If you get lost, just walk along the wall.

Sora: What do you mean?

Aerith: It’s a small maze of hallways down there.

Sora: Then why didn’t you just say that.

Aerith: Well you somehow have a map in any case, so it should be easy enough to navigate and level up and shit.

Sora: Neat. *goes through labyrinth till he reaches the computer room* …Well this place has been fucking trashed. And there’s a portrait of Terrano…Xehanor…Ansem on the wall and everything.

Goofy: This can only lead to good things.

Duckmin: Fuck all this shit, where’s the King?!

Sora: Anyone in here?

Tifa: I am.

Sora: …Dude you look like a huge badass.

Tifa: Thank you. So have you seen a guy with spiky hair?

Sora: NAAAAAAH. This is just an anime! *tugs at own hair spikes* Like how many have we seen today?

Tifa: Ha, no, spikier.

Sora: Well yes, actually, but can you give me a name?

Tifa: Can you give me the name you’re thinking about right now?

Sora: …It appears we are at an impasse.

Tifa: Well I could give you a more in-depth description of the person I’m looking for, but instead I think I’ll trash the room more than it already is and also look at book titles for no reason. Hmm, this section of the wall seems oddly blank… *kicks it hard enough to shake the room* Well that did nothing, I’m gonna fuck off somewhere else now.

Sora: Everyone be super polite, she could kill us with her pinky. *stands at attention with the other two until she leaves* Well that was a close call.

Squall: No kidding, she kicks my ass in the manga and, while glorious to behold, I like my spine where it is. *is leaning against the wall Tifa just kicked*

Sora:How.

Squall: Wait for the cutscene to end and come and talk to me, and I’ll tell you.

Sora: Well that’s annoying, why would I want to look at all these notes about worlds and hearts and darkness and dark hearts of worlds that I can’t even fucking read when I could just talk to you about bullshit. So where’s the fucking King already?

Squall: Went to go get the milk, he’ll be back in a sec.

Duckmin: Fuck!

Squall: So this is how I got in, by the way. *turns around and presses a panel on the wall, causing it to disappear and reveal a gray hallway* Computer’s down there.

Sora: Yay-face.

Squall: The computer room’s through here. Computers are delicate. It’s okay to touch them, but don’t goof around.

Sora: Don’t search for porn, I know, I already got that message. *sees computer* OKAY GOOGLE, WHERE ARE RIKU AND KAIRI. Ah shit, this computer doesn’t have that app. *starts typing furiously*

Squall: Pay no attention to motherfucking Stitch climbing the walls behind me and go easier on the typing, it’s a delicate instrument!

Sora: But it’s an older model, it can take it!

Goofy: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LOOK AT THE CEILING.

Stitch: *detaches himself and lands on the keyboard*

Duckmin: What is it with pets and keyboards?! *jumps on keyboard himself and shoes Stitch away*

Stitch: Warm and nice! *jumps over Duckmin’s head to get away*

Duckmin: *stomps feet in anger, still on the fucking keyboard*

MCP: Dude cut that shit out or we’ll suck you into the Digital…plane of existence and murder your ass.

Sora: Who the fuck are you?

MCP: The Master Control Program.

Players:Tron was a Disney movie?!

Sora: Where are you talking to us from?

Duckmin: I should just jump off of here, but instead I’ll step on some more keys.

Sora and Goofy: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Squall: *facepalms in the background*

Duckmin: What?!

MCP: That’s it, murdering time.

Sora: What the shit, it was an accident!

MCP: Don’t care.

Squall: GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE!

Beam of light: *hits Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy, pixelating them and uploading them from one plane of reality to another*

Squall: …What the fuck did I just watch.

Space Paranoids title card: …Thought this was one of the games Flynn made and not the name of the actual datascape. Meh.

Sora: *is lying on the floor* Should probably get around to that before the next section of this game, at least. *gets up* Well this is nifty.

Duckmin: Sora! I thought these were drones or something but if you look closely you can see Heartless emblems! Honestly I don’t know why we’re not just destroying them, they’ll be cake as soon as we’re allowed to actually fight them.

Sora: I believe you. Seriously, just kill them.

Sark: *phases in* I’d recommend against that.

Sora: And you are?

Sark: Commander Sark.

Sora: Tony Stark?!

Sark: No, Sark.

Sora: Ned Stark? Rob? Bran? Rickon?

Sark: SARK, S-A-R-K!

Sora: Sansa? Arya? Catelyn?

Sark: That’s it, torture them!

Heartless: *electrocute Duckmin and Goofy*

Sora: WHY AREN’T YOU FIGHTING THEM. Also please stop.

Sark: *smirks*

~Wow, a static face that actually moved slightly, that’s rare.~

Goofy: Well this is a neat view.

Sora: Yeah, but what kind of world even is this and how did we get here anyway?

Duckmin: Iunno.

Tron: You’re inside a computer-simulated world that depicts what’s actually happening inside the computer.

Sora: I’m already confused. Also how did we not notice you before.

Tron: I have a feeling you’re just not very observant. But yeah, back in the day and even sometimes today people needed, or at least wanted, a visual representation of how computers worked or how they thought computers might operate in the future. When you give a human face to something it usually helps with processing information. Even now one of the greatest animated features of recent memory spent the movie giving faces to emotions, so it can safely be said that this concept isn’t going away any time soon.

Sora: That’s very interesting. You’re very interesting.

Tron: So plot. This entire system is actually just a copy of the one used by ENCOM in the movie. That one was destroyed I guess. But this one changed hands with Alan for another user who reprogrammed it for other things, calling it Hollow Bastion OS, which he used for town maintenance while he conducted human experiments, which are also recorded on this system. Oh, I’m Tron, by the way, and this whole world was supposed to be in the first game but Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama couldn’t figure out a way to fit it in, kun. I was a security program but now I’m about to be murdered, same as you.

Sora: I DON’T UNDERSTAND COMPUTER LANGUAGE.

Goofy: I think I followed more of it than you did, but seriously, just introduce us or something.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: Yeah, we’re introducing ourselves, same old shit.

Tron: You guys are users, aren’t you?

Sora: …Sure?

Tron: Okay, we’ve got to get you out of here fast, then. I’d hate to think of the mini-games the MCP will force you through.

Sora: The what now?

Tron: Master Control Program.

Sora: Why am I confused, this is all pretty straightforward so far.

Tron: It controls the program masterfully. And also likes to kill things. We call it de-rezzing, but it’s basically murder.

Duckmin: Well. That’s no good.

Sora: So how do we escape?

Tron: Well we could have used this computer-like area right here to get you back to the real world.

Sora: Why can’t we?

Tron: ‘Cause it was fucking busted like fifty seconds ago.

Sora: THEN WHY DID WE JUST WASTE ALL THAT TIME TALKING.

Tron: Secretly I’m very lonely. So now we need to go to the canyon and do a dumb thing in order to turn the power back on.

Sora: Sounds simple enough.

Tron: …Look around. We’re in a fucking jail cell with no way to unlock the door with the flashing keyhole symbol.

Sora: WELL I WONDER HOW WE’RE EVER GONNA FIX THIS LITTLE DILEMMA.

Tron: Exactly, it’s impossible!

Sora: … *summons Oathkeeper with zero fanfare*

Duckmin: Gwah…This is some place we’ve been taken to. Everything’s sparkling so much it’s making me dizzy!

Goofy: You mean the door thingy blocking the exit is locked, right? In that case, shouldn’t your Keyblade be able to open it, Sora?

Sora: AND TO THINK I WAS CONFUSED AS TO HOW WE COULD POSSIBLY ESCAPE.

Tron: We can get out by gathering the door’s lock data and freezing it. The problem is, we don’t have any way to extract the data.

Sora: Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan. *bashes the door and collects orbs before using his Keyblade on the door* I decrypted a door.

~Wow, it’s almost as if that was absurdly easy to figure out or something.~

Sark: Why the fuck aren’t we killing Tron.

MCP: ‘Cause the dataspace is password protected and the user was smart enough not to use “Password,” “Swordfish,” or any incarnation therein.

Sark: You know the digital form of Legilimency, don’t you?

MCP: Yes, but I can’t use it for bullshit reasons explained away with indecipherable technobabble.

Alarm: *is heard*

MCP: You should probably go kill those guys or something. End of line.

Sark: Roger roger.

~Yes I would include a System Shock reference but I haven’t played those games so I don’t know shit.~

Chapter Text

~Hey, remember back in the day when we didn’t know how computers worked? That’s what’s happening now! Again!~

Sora: Kablousers! It’s the new exploding blouse!

Tron: Well that sure was interesting.

Sora: Yeah, I’m awesome.

Tron: I’ll go with you to the canyon since you need someone who knows what they’re doing and you clearly don’t know shit.

Sora: I don’t know what seven of the words in that sentence mean.

Tron: I rest my case.

Goofy: The “MCP” thing rules this world, right? Then we’d better search the energy core before it finds us out.

Duckmin: According to Tron, this is kind of like a junkyard. I wonder what all the junk in here used to be.

Tron: That thing in the center’s the energy core. Let’s try accessing it. We may be able to find parts to reboot from all the junk.

Sora: *takes a look at the computer in the middle of the canyon* I’m still trying to process the meta-ness of a computer inside of a computer. Also it looks like there’s a piece missing up there.

Tron: That’s because there is. This is the energy core, which only powers the terminal you can use to get out of here and not any of the other areas you can use to get around this world more easily.

Blocks: *suddenly surround everyone and you have two minutes to find the pink one and beat it up*

Sora: *beats it up* This seems counter-intuitive, but it worked so whatever. *watches the block go into its slot and the computer itself sink into the floor* I’m assuming it was supposed to do that?

Tron: Yep, the terminal’s up and running again. I don’t know this because I’m psychic, I know this because I’m basically plugged into this world and therefore know everything that happens except when I don’t. So can you do me a favor?

Sora: Sure.

Tron: …You don’t even know what it is yet.

Duckmin: You help us, we help you, that’s now users roll.

Tron: I find that to be highly illogical.

Sora: Of course you do.

Tron: So yeah, let’s go back to where we were.

Sora: Which is where?

Tron:Where we just were, you fucking idiot.

Sora: What is wrong with me today. *goes back to the pit cell* So what was that thing you wanted, you never said.

Tron: Oh, find my user, he’s got the password the MCP’s looking for to access the DTD.

Duckmin: We’re not even gonna bother asking what that is, we’ll just mindlessly agree to it.

Sora: Fuck that, I’m asking.

Tron: DTD is the name my user gave for this place. No I won’t say what it stands for because of reasons. All of the things are there, nothing’s banned or restricted, you can access any website you want.

Goofy: So we could Google Heartless or Organization XIII and actually be able to look at the fucking webpages?

Tron: Probably. So at the end of the movie I apparently lost some of my power, so I can’t do all the things I’m used to. If I use the password I should be back at full capacity. Then I can fix all of the things. That way you users could use the system however you wanted, like it was fucking intended in the first place.

Goofy: But isn’t the MCP another program like you? Who’s his user?

Tron: No fucking idea.

Sora: Okay, we’ll just track down your user and ask them while we’re also getting the password.

Tron: My user is only one person.

Sora: I know, you never specified a gender so I’m using the singular form of “they”.

Tron: “They” is a plural term. You should be using the expression “He or she” since there are only two genders.

Sora: …Dude, even Facebook upgraded from that. I’m just going to assume this is because you’re not to full capacity yet and move on. Who is your fucking user.

Tron: How do you not know that, you’re using Ansem the Wise’s computer, are you not?

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: Well that’s fine but I don’t see how that affects—WHAAAAAAAAH?!

Tron: Hey, you should hear what DTD stands for, you’d be even more freaked out. *hears alarm* Shit, the MCP knows what we’re doing. Probably because he’s even more in tune with this entire system than I am. I’m gonna keep this working, you go through and get the info we need.

Sora: …Dude, I don’t know how to tell you this, but—

Duckmin: Shut the fuck up, we can’t do this right now.

Tron: Okay, it’s working. Do the thing.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *phase out of the datascape and back into reality*

Squall: FUCKING WINDOWS TEN I JUST WANT TO DELETE INTERNET EXPLORER WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME ADMINISTRATIVE ACCESS WHEN I FUCKING OWN YOU—What was that.

Duckmin: We’re back and stuff apparently.

Squall: What the fuck just happened.

Sora: I don’t really want to use the term Digital World because I know what that implies and it’s nothing like that, but it’s a world and it’s digital so take that as you will. All of the programs are anthropomorphic, it’s kind of weird.

Squall: Passing over the part where you fill me in, we need a password in order to access basically anything.

Sora: That be the thing.

Squall: Except Ansem’s kind of dead so you can’t exactly ask him about it.

Goofy: And there’s no way anyone could’ve written the password or a clue to what it might be anywhere!

Squall: Well it’s good to know that everything we’ve been doing up until this point was for fucking nothing.

Tifa: Oh would you shut the fuck up, we still have half the game left. Ish. Also I knew there was something else in that room! Time to break everything in here as well!

Sora: C-Could you not?

Tifa: Don’t worry, I’m going back to the main room for some reason.

Sora: *follows her back to the main room* Well at least nothing will change offscreen even though we know from the camera shaking and the smashing sounds that you’re supposedly destroying the entire room.

Duckmin: As long as she limits it to this room, who gives a fuck.

Goofy: As awesome it is to watch Tifa murder inanimate objects, we kind of have a plot we should be getting back to.

Sora: Hang on, she may or may not have found something.

Tifa: *stares at picture of Te…Xeha…Ansem* This doesn’t look suspicious at all, now does it. *picks up painting and moves it aside, revealing blue writing on the back of the wall* Well isn’t that the oldest trick in everything ever. *punches wall* …Damn, was thinking there was another hidden door or something. *leaves*

Sora: Huh, that wall has Tron’s name right next to the words Door To Darkness. Wonder if that signifies anything. *goes and talks to people*

Tifa: Have you seen someone with a big sword?

Sora: POINT! *points at Squall*

Tifa: No, he doesn’t have a scar on his face. He has strangely colored eyes, and tries to take everything upon himself.

Sora: WHY AM I NOT IMMEDIATELY PUTTING TOGETHER THAT SPIKY HAIR PLUS BIG SWORD EQUALS CLOUD. And also the eye color’s kind of limited to blue in this game. Also also why aren’t you actually asking about him by name.

Tifa: Because fuck you.

Sora: That’s fair.

Squall: That girl’s got a temper. I thought she was going to break everything in the room. Still, she may have broken something. Could you go check out the study?

Sora: Fine, whatever. *goes back and looks at the wall again* I WONDER WHAT THIS MEANS.

Duckmin: I can’t read this Chinese stuff!

Goofy: …It’s just math.

Duckmin: Well!

Goofy: Yeah. Fair. It’s basically a bunch of math for…how to be a dick.

Duckmin: *laughs* It’s dickonomics.

Goofy: This, uh, this, this, this equation says I can be a huge dick today. Fantastic.

Sora: Seriously, the words aren’t even that faded, it’s plain as day what’s going on here.

Duckmin: Well this game was originally made by Japanese developers for Japanese-speaking audiences, so while the localization is a little clunky when I read English words aloud in English as slowly as I possibly can, for the Japanese version or any other language I would pretty much have to.

Goofy: It would take too much time and effort to reanimate us just for this scene, after all.

Sora: That and we’re always portrayed as kind of slow on the uptake anyway, which is why I’m acting astounded by the fact that the first three letters of Door To Darkness are DTD.

Duckmin and Goofy: What a fantastical turn of events!

Squall: *walks in* I missed all of that, what’s going on?

Sora: We should’ve looked under everything, Tifa totally had the right idea when she found exactly what we fucking needed.

Squall: Awesome. Let’s never give her credit for it. We still don’t know what the password is, though.

Mickey: Well it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out with that clue.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *turn to see Mickey standing there in his Organization cloak* ‘SUP, NERD!

Mickey: Shut the fuck up for a sec. *closes the door behind him* I’m apparently convinced that this door is soundproof. *takes off his hood*

Duckmin: *glomps him*

Mickey: …Bad touch?

Goofy: It sure does look suggestive, doesn’t it? *picks both of them up in a big bear hug*

Sora: This is actually kind of a heartwarming reunion.

Mickey: BE QUIET! I ORDER YOU TO BE QUIET!

Sora: Order, eh? Who do you think you are?!

Mickey: I am your King!

Sora: Well I didn’t vote for ya!

Mickey: You don’t vote for kings! Also the Organization has spies everywhere, I don’t trust anyone right now.

Sora: That’s fair.

Goofy: *puts them down but Duckmin still wants to hug Mickey who ain’t having none of that shit*

Mickey: So the Door To Darkness, huh?

Goofy: Yeah, we need the password for it.

Mickey: Do you know what it is?

Sora: It’s a secret word or expression used by authorized persons to prove their right to access, information, etc., but that’s not important right now.

Mickey: Huh, I didn’t know that, good to know. Squall, stop smiling, you’re scaring the children. And the real life door to darkness can only be opened by the seven Princesses of Light, so…

Squall: And most passwords need a minimum of seven characters, of course stupid people would misinterpret that! *goes back to the computer*

Mickey: What are you guys even doing here anyway.

Sora: Trying to hack Ansem’s computer.

Mickey: Good, you’ll be able to find out where he is, then.

Sora: …He dissolved into light after we killed him.

Mickey: Ah, right, you’re still thinking in terms of the first game where shit made sense. Things are about to not do that.

Duckmin: Oh good. I can’t wait.

Sora: Never mind any of that right now, do you know where—?

Squall: So are we gonna move on with the plot or what?

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *look between him and Mickey with obvious hesitation*

Mickey: Don’t worry, I wouldn’t miss this upcoming sequence of events for the world.

Sora: They are pretty hype-ass events, aren’t they.

Mickey: Right, you all piss off for now and I’ll exposit later.

Duckmin: Looking forward to it!

Mickey: Ha, you say that now. Also your uniform’s a one-star, but this one’s a three-star!

Sora: I’m getting my very own three-star Goku uniform? I’m honored!

Mickey: Hey, it’s about time you got another one!

Sora: Dude I literally just got the Limit one. Which is kind of weird to be sort of not really walking around in my old clothes this late in the game. D’you know I had to go to the black mushroom Heartless in Agrabah and just wail on it since you need to complete a limit break for the leveling up to count and black mushrooms don’t die easily?

Mickey: You think that’s annoying, the Master form only levels up via collecting Drive Orbs. Get ready to be annoyed by China’s landscape real fast.

Sora: Who cares, Hufflepuff colors at long last! ALSO DOUBLE JUMPING IS BEST IN LIFE aside from Gliding.

Mickey: I-It’s not really a double jump though—

Sora: WE’RE OFF TO BEAT THE TRON LEVEL BYE NOW WHEEEEE~! *actually goes to China to level up Master Form before coming back because fuck*

Mickey: Finding Ansem’s research data will have to come first. I’ll explain everything later. Please be careful.

Sora: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

Tifa: You found the person you were looking for? I’m glad to hear he’s safe. I guess if you look long enough, you’re bound to find your man. Hmm…Where should I look next?

Sora: Last saw him by the marketplace, try there.

Squall: Leave this to us. You just concentrate on the data. Use that password and work with Tron to free that DTD data.

Sora: Why, is that supposed to be our primary objective or something? *reenters the Space Paranoids*

Goofy: Yo where Tron at.

Duckmin: I don’t know but get the fuck away from the terminal, I think I’ve proven we can’t handle this shit.

Terminal: *glitches out*

Goofy: OKAY I DIDN’T TOUCH SHIT, MY HANDS WERE OFF THE DEVICE.

Sora: I know, I saw, I believe you. *gets beamed up along with Duckmin*

Goofy: …Why do I get a time delay on my beaming up just so I can “comically” say that I didn’t do it, that seems most illogical. *also gets transported to the Game Grid* Seriously, I didn’t touch shit.

Sark: This is the game grid.

Sora: The what now?

Sark: YOU GET TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES, ONLY YOU’RE ACTUALLY USING YOUR BODY AS A CONTROLLER! IT’S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!

Sora: Kinect, VR, some Wii and Switch elements—

Sark: SHUT UP, THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT!

Sora: Sure, fine, whatever, sounds fun.

Sark: Also if you fuck up you die. And no one knows how not to fuck up.

Duckmin: That sounds less fun, let’s not do that.

Sark: Tough, the game’s making you.

Sora: As long as this doesn’t turn into yet another mini-game after the fact.

Sark: HA! Now do this light cycle bullshit.

Sora: YEAH I GET TO RIDE AROUND ON A MOTORCYCLE which is kind of weird that I’m not playing card games at the same time but I’ll get used to it I guess. It’s actually kind of cool how the walls just appear around me to determine my path, but these Heartless that are trying to derail me are decidedly less cool. And what was that about winning because I appear to have just won.

Devastator Heartless: *materializes and tries to shoot Sora*

Sora: Wait why am I not on a motorcycle right now. *ducks and the blast creates a giant crack in the wall* …WELL THAT FUCKING WORKS. Now all I have to do is travel through that crack in the wall…provided the course actually lets me, damn, it could take years to get out of here, all they would have to do is create path upon path that won’t take me anywhere near that wall…Ooooor they could send me through it within two or three minutes because they’re fucking idiots that don’t know how logic works even though they’re fucking computer programs. *sails motorcycle through crack in wall no problem* …How did the three of us get teleported back to the pit cell, wouldn’t we need to ride around on our motorcycles some more as Sark failed to catch us? Why would we come back here, wouldn’t we want to get to some place where they can’t even find us while we try and dismantle them? And for that matter what were you two doing this whole time I was racing, were you racing as well or were you fighting and winning those other games I was just talking about?

Duckmin and Goofy: Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

Tron: Hello, all. I’m unconscious.

Sora: Wake up!

Tron: Okay. *gets up but appears weak* Why’d you even come back, anyway.

Sora: ‘Cause the game told us to? We need to give you the password, after all.

Tron: …Email. Instant messaging. Private messaging. Look it up.

Duckmin: No.

Tron: Imma pass out now.

Sora: Could you not? *catches him*

Tron: Let’s just do the thing so I can upgrade and kick ass or whatever.

Sora: Sounds easy enough.

Tron: The MCP is originally a data acquisition program. If you hadn’t rescued me, it would have stolen all my data.

Goofy: Apparently we can get to the Datascape from the Canyon. The shining red wall would show us the way.

Sora: Well that’s a convenient way to tell us which way to go aside from it being literally the only way to go.

Duckmin: Hey, this is the room we were locked in when we first came here, right? We opened the lock by gathering the data, didn’t we?

Sora: …Yes, that one conversation with the King took up so much of our brain that we have to recap what literally just happened roughly ten minutes ago as if it actually took place two games ago. The fuck, man. *goes to the new red area and has Tron access the giant green computer*

Tron: Okay, let me just spontaneously conjure a random keyboard…Done. So what’s the password?

Duckmin: Belle, Snow White—

Tron: Is that B-E-L-L, and is Snow White one word or is it hyphenated?

Duckmin: No, it’s B-E-L-L-E, and Snow White is two separate words, both capitalized.

Tron: Do they need commas in between?

Goofy: No idea. Okay, next is Aurora, Alice, Jasmine, Cinderella—

Tron: Hang on, hang on, I’m typing as fast as I can here! Are you even giving me the right order?

Goofy: Another excellent question!

Sora: The last part is Kairi.

Tron: How the fuck do you spell that.

Sora: K-A-I-R-I.

Tron: …I get it. He thought the password needed seven characters as in seven characters. That’s…that’s shit. And I had to type the order several hundred times before they were all put in correctly, fuck this noise. Oh who even cares, I did the thing.

Computer: Now rebooting from sleep mode. This can take several minutes. Please feel free to dick around while computer is restarting.

Tron: …And by dick around they mean fight Heartless.

Sora: YAY EXPERIENCE!

Tron: Would you focus?! You need to beat up these Heartless enough to gain their energy and restore the three screens around the room!

Sora: M’kay. *restores two of the screens and continues to murder Heartless*

Tron: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WE’RE ON A TIME LIMIT HERE!

Sora: Three minutes, I know, I’m paying attention, got two minutes forty seconds left, I’m milking it for all it’s worth.

Duckmin: Good thing you’re never gonna rethink your decision on this.

Tron: Well that was too close—

Sora: We had twenty-three seconds left, that’s plenty of time!

Tron: Go fuck yourself. *puts hand on convenient hand scanner on computer and absorbs a shitton of information* I have now been upgraded. And you were right about people not always conforming between two genders, that was a faux pas on my part.

Duckmin: Eh, it wasn’t as widely talked about when you were first programmed, you’re excused for not knowing what you don’t have access to.

MCP: *shoots a laser at their feet* Of course someone would be stupid enough to think that seven characters were needed for the password instead of just seven characters. AND NOW I’M IN YOUR SYSTEM, SHITLORDS! NOW TO BLOW UP THE TOWN FOR NO REASON!

Tron: Or you could not do that. *fiddles with the computer*

MCP: How did you change the password so quickly, you’re supposed to open an email and then return to the site in order to reset and change it!

Tron: I’m a fast typer.

Sora: What the fuck’s going on.

Tron: We gotta beat up a thing.

Duckmin: What kind of thing?

Tron: A thingy thing. Let us go to the thingy thing.

Sora: I’m so confused.

Tron: Because I’m being deliberately vague because I know you won’t understand half of what I’m saying. I disengaged the security program. Now the lift to the thingy thing should work. Hurry! The lift’s straight ahead out of this room!

Goofy: We can extract the data later. Let’s get to the thingy thing tower!

Duckmin: The outside’s already bad enough with the Heartless and Nobodies! Any more problems and the town will fall apart!

Sora: Well let’s hope there’s not a huge battle anytime soon, then! *leads the way into the new area* …I can see why you didn’t want to call this thing a tower, it’s kind of just a circle with a vaguely darkish transparent column rising up and out of it.

Tron: Yep. That is not how it’s supposed to look like. The real world must be fucked right about now.

Duckmin: So’s this world.

Goofy: Look at the terminal.

Sora: What about it?

Goofy: …I don’t really know, the next step is actually to leave this room the way we came in.

Sora: Well that’s not very clear.

Goofy: It sure isn’t.

Duckmin: We gott stop ‘em before they get out. Hurry to the next room, let’s get them there!

Goofy: We can get back to Hollow Bastion through the terminal gizmo if you wanna level up even more, but right now, we need to help Tron in order to actually advance the plot!

Sora: Eh, I’ll pop out and talk to people for a sec in a sec.

Tron: More dangerous programs are sure to follow. To fight these guys, we should delete the enemy data to limit their movements.

Sora: Murder everything as usual, got it. *goes back to the real world to see if there are any dialogue changes*

Mickey: The whole town is shaking! Sora, what’s going on in there?

Sora: Shenanigans.

Mickey: Figures.

Squall: What’s going on?! Does this have anything to do with these programs? If so, then go through that terminal and fix it with Tron.

Sora: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. *goes back into the datascape anyway* Hey so we could leave the planet if we wanted to but we can’t go anywhere else in Hollow Bastion anymore.

Duckmin: That’s weird.

Sora: Sure is. *leaves the room the way they came in originally*

Hostile Program: ‘Sup.

Sora: Giant Heartless boss already? Feels like we just got here, that was quick.

MCP: Dude why are you following the orders of the Users, that’s really lame, you should hang with us instead.

Tron: Can’t, I was quite literally programmed to help them. And weren’t you originally a chess program? Kind of surprised you weren’t.

MCP: Does not compute, abort, retry, fail.

Sora: It’s not so hard to figure out that we’ve befriended a computer program. Not that hard to understand, either, just the other day we were befriending a tea kettle. In any case, we should probably kill this giant Heartless that can summon walls with electricity in order to box us in. Because obviously, why wouldn’t it be able to do that. *kills it by breaking so many pieces off of it that it occasionally freezes and he’s able to hit it more*

Hostile Program: *explodes*

Tron: Okay, now we’re back at the thingy thing which is currently emitting a pillar of light instead of barely-there darkness, so I guess that’s something. *is fucking around with the terminal* So I can probably do shit on my own, now, and by that I mean you’re definitely coming back later to solve all my problems for me again. Man, why did my user have to program me this way. WHY WAS I MADE TO FEEL PAIN?!

Sora: I may know the answer to that…

Duckmin and Goofy: Yeah, may as well tell him.

Sora: …So Ansem didn’t tell us the password, he wrote himself a clue so he’d remember it later. Which he never will because we killed him in self defense so the universe wouldn’t be destroyed by his hands.

Tron: Makes sense. One day he was modifying my program so he could protect the town better, the next he’s bringing back the MCP in order to fuck with the town better. Probably should’ve mentioned that earlier.

Sora: Eh, we didn’t tell you before either. And boy am I starting to get confused.

Tron: I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse from here. So you go figure it out, the explanation’s probably gonna be so illogical that my hardware’s gonna fry or something. Anyway, you guys should all piss off before the MCP shows up again. I’ll stay here and make sure the MCP doesn’t cause any more trouble. The User world is in trouble. You should hurry back through this terminal.

Sora: Hang on, I wanna level up some more even though sixty’s still a pretty nice place to be at. *tries to go back where they already were but is blocked by text boxes saying he shouldn’t do that* …Or not, I guess. Why does it even give me the option.

Tron: Oh and by the way, you can use the search engine now on the main computer. Search whatever you want, but know that Safe Search is on, this is still a kids’ game after all. The wifi should be working fine, and I did change the password so the MCP shouldn’t be able to hack it.

Sora: Okay, but can we still phase in and out of here whenever we want?

Tron: Basically, yeah. And as I beam you up, you should know that I used your names as the new password ‘cause I couldn’t think of anything better in such a short amount of time.

Sora: Should you have said that out loud where the MCP might be able to hear you?

Tron: Probably not.

Sora: Cool.

~Oh I’m sure it’s fine.~

Chapter Text

~Eternal confusion, START!~

Sora: *phases back into the real world* Oh hey, a new Keyblade. That’s nifty. *doesn’t equip it*

Squall: Why are there eight-bit versions of you on the screen?

Sora: I don’t know but they’re adorable and I love them.

Squall: This is true.

Sora: WHAT HAVE WE SAID ABOUT SMILING.

Squall: So what now?

Sora: Google.

Squall: Oh, the wifi works now? Awesome. *starts typing nonsense because that’s how computers work* The King went to dick around in town, he’ll probably be back in a bit. So this needs a password too, I guess.

Goofy: It’s our names.

Squall: Please don’t announce your names again, we know what they fucking are—

Sora: SORA!

Duckmin: DUCKMIN, 'CAUSE THAT'S ALL HE KNOWS ME BY!

Goofy: GOOFY!

Squall: I hate this fucking game.

Sora: So? What do?

Squall: …It’s not Google. It’s Bing.

Sora:Why.

Squall: I don’t know. But see if anything useful comes up anyway, no matter how much we both know nothing will.

Sora: You’re not gonna stick around?

Squall: I know Kairi’s originally a native of this planet and I know how much both she and Riku mean to you, but I gotta make sure that all the hard work we did wasn’t for nothing. So you start searching for stuff and making a copy of everything you find while I’m doing that, ‘kay?

Sora: You’re trusting me with this?

Squall: Please, safe search is clearly on and how badly can someone fuck up Ctrl+C anyway?

Sora: You’d be surprised…

Squall: Oh, one more warning. If you can, try and get more than one source on whatever you look up. There's liars out there that say untruths.

Sora: Are you telling me...that someone on the internet...would make an untruth?

Squall: I'm...I'm not certain, I can't confirm.

Sora: But, Squall, I bought those pills.

Squall: It's fiiiiine. *pats Sora on the shoulder as he leaves*

Sora: …I have no idea what I’m doing.

Duckmin: It’s not dial-up, is it?

Sora: No, looks like it’s wireless…Comcast, though.

Duckmin: Huh boy.

Goofy: Just type shit into the search engine and see what comes up.

Sora: *types in Riku and Kairi* …The only things that come up are the KH wiki articles and a bunch of fanfiction and fan art.

Duckmin: Try the wiki pages.

Sora: How do I move the cursor with no mousepad or actual mouse… *clicks on articles somehow* …It’s not loading. At all. I mean, they were slow under Charter but now the pages won’t load at all, this is bullshit! *walks away in sadness*

Goofy: *walks up to the keyboard*

Duckmin: What do you want to know about?

Goofy: Nobodies. *types it in*

Sora: …A Marilyn Manson song? Wait, there’s a list of Nobodies right there! On a…wikia page…

Duckmin: Shit, that’s not loading either.

Goofy: Let me try Organization XIII. *types that in next*

Sora: Damn it, why is the only web page that’s actually working just a fucking section of eBay selling cloaks and wigs and shit?! *mashes the keyboard with his fists*

Goofy: Hey, I think you accidentally turned safe search off! Which means you need to get off all the fanfiction tabs you just opened, and fast.

Duckmin: Wait, what's this one...who the fuck is iheartmwpp?

Goofy: iheartmwpp?! She was the greatest parody writer who ever lived!

Duckmin: It says here she died a virgin, and her last words were “Oh God, I’ve wasted my life.”

Goofy: The greatest parody writer who ever lived. I love her.

Duckmin: Oy vey…Wait, why did a picture of Christopher Lee pop up and why is it next to this blond guy?

Sora: Oh there is no way he was awesome enough to stick around for the rest of the series outside of this game, he probably had so much shit to do that his schedule wouldn’t allow it.

Mickey: You got that right.

Sora and Duckmin: Hey, you’re back!

Mickey: WOULD YOU SHITLORDS KEEP YOUR FUCKING VOICES DOWN ALREADY. The important thing is that you got the computer working.

Goofy: But it’s Comcast, and none of the pages will load because the internet connection’s so slow.

Sora: Images are sort of working, but the only thing that came up randomly is Christopher Lee next to this guy we don’t know but seems to fit in with the art style of this universe.

Mickey: That’s ‘cause, at least for this game, Christopher Lee was the voice of Ansem the Wise.

Sora: That’s not Ansem, unless his hair went white and he got a tan. Like, a really unhealthy tan for a man of his complexion.

Duckmin: And shaved off the beard or something. Do you have memory problems too, Your Majesty?

Mickey: If I do I don’t remember, but this is definitely Ansem.

Duckmin: I am disbelief.

Sora: I am also disbelief, so much so that I’m dragging you into the other room posthaste.

Mickey: Okay, I don’t know what’s going on, but okay…

Sora: *forces him to look at portrait in other room* See this guy? See how he has more of a resemblance to the final boss of the first game? See how the other guy didn’t?

Mickey: Oh, right, rambling bullshit plot that makes no sense to anyone.

Duckmin: Please, tell it over images and fight scenes from the last game.

Mickey: With pleasure. And yes, you’re right, this guy in the paining was the final boss of the first game, but he wasn’t Ansem. The blond guy is Ansem the Wise, the previous ruler of this planet. Whether Kairi’s related to him or not is unknown, apparently. But this portrait guy whose name I won’t remember until it’s convenient to the plot took Ansem’s name when he overthrew him in order to discredit him, because names hold a certain amount of power. Fuck, it wasn’t even the portrait guy necessarily, but his Heartless.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: Well that’s fine but I don’t see how that affects WWWHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Sora: So we weren’t even killing the real bad guy?!

Mickey: …No, you were absolutely killing the real bad guy. Just not the real Ansem.

Duckmin: My brain hurts already and I know it’s only going to get worse from here.

Goofy: So where’s the real Ansem, then?

Mickey: Don’t know, been looking all over. If anyone knows about Organization XIII and is probably on our side, it’s that guy. I was with him at the end of Chain of Memories, in fact, but I didn’t actually know it was him at the time I don’t think.

Goofy: …Uh-oh.

Sora: What now.

Goofy: If this guy in the portrait had a strong heart, do you think he’s got a Nobody as well?

Mickey: Oh, he had an exceptionally strong heart, in fact! Or at least the guy who was possessed did, I don’t know about how strong Leonard Nimoy’s character’s heart was, per say. But in any case, that guy’s currently the head of the Organization.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: So he’s technically the final boss again?!

Mickey: I’ve met him before he turned into either, I know that, and it definitely wasn’t during BBS, that’s for fucking sure…Oh well, guess I’ll continue to forget until the memory’s triggered. Or we can get Ansem the Wise to tell us if we find him in time.

Sora: Yeah, we probably don’t have much more time since both Riku and Kairi—Shit, I nearly forgot! Your Majesty, you saw Riku last, right? Could you tell me where he is now, and if he’s all right?

Mickey: Well I could tell you that he was alive and that we split up some time ago on a different planet in order to alleviate some of your fears, but instead I’ll act really secretive and cagey which may or may not imply that he’s fucking dead for all you know.

Sora: … *tries desperately not to cry* Well do you know anything about Kairi? We just heard that Organization XIII just kidnapped her.

Mickey: Kairi’s been kidnapped again?! For fuck’s sake! That’s it, never mind Ansem right now, I’m helping you guys out first. After all, helping others should always come before asking others for help!

Sora: …But I just asked for help.

Mickey: After you helped Tron!

Sora: Who asked for our help.

Mickey: After trying to help the town!

Sora: Which asked for our help.

Mickey: After…kidnapping and possessing your bestest friendly friends and turning them evil, huh…

Sora: So shouldn’t the saying be that you should always help others if you’re able to, but if you really need help you shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for it, especially if it’s from friends since that’s what they’re there for?

Mickey: Sure, more apt moral lesson, whatever, let’s look for your friends together! Note how I’m including Riku in that, which should give you reason to hope — that’s an earthquake.

Sora: Please let that just have been Daisy…

Mickey: Dude, I know we’re crossing over into Big Hero 6 in KHIII, but seriously, that kind of crossover is never gonna happen. Come on, time for one of the greatest moments of the entire franchise to begin. *runs out of the room*

Sora: It is a pretty hype-ass sequence coming up, isn’t it.

Goofy: That explosion came from outside, right? It must be awful out there! This looks like it’s going to be a long battle. Are you ready, Sora?

Sora: Hopefully, this is the first time I’ve played this on Critical, That One Boss for everyone else might end up being That One Boss for me as well.

Duckmin: The king went on by himself! We have to hurry after him!

Sora: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! *hurries after him anyway*

~…There is a literal army of Heartless marching/gliding out of a giant hole in the wall where most of the bailey used to be. THIS CAN ONLY LEAD TO GOOD THINGS.~

Nobodies: *are now fighting with some of the Heartless which is strange because the Organization knows that only the Keyblade can harvest organs so why would they send grunts out to attack unless said grunts were only fighting in self defense*

Maleficent: I don’t know why the Nobodies suddenly came out to play but kill them anyway.

Pete: …I don’t know if you noticed but the Heartless are kind of kicking our asses. So…yeah. I’m leaving. *leaves*

Maleficent: Seriously, why did I ever team up with that useless watermelon, it makes no fucking sense. *stares at Dusks* …Can I help you?

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: Ah shit, her again.

Maleficent: Hmph. *Disapparates but her voice still sticks around somehow* Yo, Heartless! Give Organization XIII exactly what they want by sacrificing yourselves to the Keyblade in a futile attempt at destroying the one who wields it!

Sora: *has to defeat both Heartless and Nobodies*

Gullwings: *fly down to meet them* You seen Maleficent anywhere?

Sora: Disapparated.

Rikku: Ran away pissing herself, huh?

Paine: Let’s huddle up and complain about it.

Yuna and Rikku: OKAY!

Paine: …I hate you guys sometimes.

Sora: So I know you guys used to be good guys, so how about going back to being good guys?

Yuna: We would, but we don’t really have any motivation for doing so anymore.

Sora: Tidus is on my home planet. Right the fuck now.

Yuna: Eh, it’s been two years, I’ve done the healthy thing and moved on with my life. This is my story. It’ll be a good one.

Duckmin: …You know, I remember Squall getting readings of an “awesome” sphere a little while ago

Rikku: Well we are sphere hunters, so I guess that works.

Paine: So let’s get what appears to be a prequel to FFVII over with, I guess.

Yuna: Those spheres are basically the precursor to materia, it’s true.

Sora: …WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU THREE FAIRIES.

Yuna: Not a clue.

Paine: I miss the days when I looked like a badass.

Rikku: I think I’m the only one who the new design actually fits. *Disapparates with the other two*

Sora: …Squall didn’t get any sphere readings, did he.

Duckmin: No, but now we got three more dudes on our side, no matter how useful or indeed useless they turn out to be. *leads the way out of the castle where they’re attacked by Dusks*

Sora: I love how powerful cutscenes make me sometimes. *destroys them all in one blow*

Sephiroth: *appears in a beam of light right in front of them*

Sora: …Oh shit, I haven’t saved since Tron…

Duckmin: You know this guy or something?

Goofy: ‘Cause he’s completely new to us beyond being the Vanitas to Cloud’s Ventus maybe it’s not a hundred percent clear.

Sephiroth: That’s right, I fought Sora alone last year…

Sora: We gonna fight again this game or is Cloud gonna fight his own fucking battles this time.

Sephiroth: I think the implication is that you’re weakening me for him.

Sora: Ah. Just like last year, huh?

Sephiroth: Yeah, it’s pretty annoying. *starts walking away* Well, after the two of us fight, I promise I’ll deliver a much better fight scene than last time when shit just faded to white. *flies up into the air and disappears in a ball of darkness.

Sora: …That looked kind of like the Demi spell. Also he flies very well-balanced for someone with only three wings...Wait, I thought he was the One Winged Angel, why does he have three wings?! FALSE ADVERTISING!

Gullwings: WE’RE DELIVERING YOU YET ANOTHER NEW FINAL MIX THING!

Sora: What now.

Goofy: Looks like a new secret area that is not kind to low level players.

Sora: Another one? Cool! I am nowhere near ready for that so let’s actually come back to that later for once!

Duckmin: I love how your actual dialogue was “I don’t remember that being there before,” like you knew it wasn’t in vanilla and they added it for this game.

Sora: Right?!

Goofy: So that was Sephiroth. He does look a bit like Cloud, in terms of them being clearly created by the same guy in the same time period and they have similar Mako eyes I guess. I’d like to tell Cloud, but we have to help the others first.

Duckmin: The town’s crawling with Heartless and Nobodies! What’s going on?!

Sora: Something.

Goofy: Squall and the others headed toward the bailey, I somehow know. We’d better go find them!

Sora: Okay. *head toward the bailey*

Squall and Yuffie: *are actually fighting Heartless*

Aerith: *doesn’t even have her stick on her* Bunch of Dancer Nobodies behind you, Sora!

Duckmin: Ah, shit. *helps Sora kill them all*

Squall: King’s up ahead in the actual bailey. You might wanna go check that out.

Sora: Okay. *heads to the actual bailey* …The bailey appears to have exploded. *runs to the exploded wall that is no longer much of a wall* …That is a fuckton of Heartless in that one specific area. Why do I have a feeling that I have to kill every single one of them and why don’t I have much of a problem doing that.

Yuffie: We’re already fighting and I’m already tired.

Aerith: *uses Curaga* Better now?

Yuffie: Much, thanks. *runs back into battle with Aerith*

Stitch: *fires laser blasts everywhere* Meega nala kwista!

Gullwings: WE KNOCKED A HEARTLESS OVER TO ITS DEATH! SEE? WE’RE USEFUL, HONEST! Oh shit. *fly away from even more incoming Heartless*

Cloud and Squall: *are standing back to back while surrounded*

Squall: How many slash fics do you think will be written about us after this?

Cloud: Please, no one will ship us with women ever again.

Squall: …They already kind of didn’t.

Cloud: We had some female action in fics. Now it’s never going to happen again.

Squall: …Zidane was a much better protagonist. Notcis was a much better protagonist!

Cloud: Than you, sure. And me in recent interpretations, I guess. Really hoping the remake will set me back to normal... *start attacking Heartless at the same time as Squall and eventually gets surrounded on his own again* …Wait, why are we even fighting, unless it’s the Keyblade our attacks just disperse the hearts to reform elsewhere, why are we even bothering—

Sephiroth: *gets rid of the Heartless surrounding Cloud with one swing*

Cloud: Oh good, we can get this out of the way.

Sephiroth: No we can’t.

Cloud: WHY WON’T YOU JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY, JESUS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SPANK YOU BEFORE YOU STAY SPANKED, YOU LITTLE BITCH?!

Sephiroth: Apparently I’m being conjured by your memories or something. Maybe if you let go of Zack—

Cloud: I DON’T WANNA!

Sephiroth: Then other people will blind you with how good they are, because that’s a thing now.

Cloud: Pfft, there’s no way that’s a thing.

Tifa: FOUND YOU!

Cloud: Oh hey Tifa—GAH THAT’S BRIGHT!

Sephiroth: What did I tell you. *disappears in a cloud of feathers*

Cloud: …That happened. *runs off*

Tifa: Damn it, I just caught up with you! *gets surrounded by Heartless and just punches and kicks them to death she is the best*

Sora: Somehow I saw all that just by looking over the cliff face. Everyone just hang on and keep fighting, I really need to grab some supplies if I’m gonna join this fight. *goes back to the marketplace to get all of the hi-potions* Might as well check up on Merlin and Cid, see how they’re contributing to this fight.

Cid: There are too many enemies even for Squall to handle. You gotta go help them out. You should be able to get to them through the broken bailey wall. Hurry, Sora!

Sora: …Why aren’t you doing anything to help, you’re the lancer of the party and you can use whatever summon and magic materia you want.

Cid: But that’s none of my business. *sips tea*

Sora: I never did like you, frankly. Didn't hate you either, you just entered the game too late for me to care.

Merlin: We’ll protect the city. You go after the enemy boss. Don’t look so worried. Have a little faith in me, boy!

Sora: When you provide me with more than one or two tiny spells and have anything to do with anything other than Winnie the Pooh bullshit, I’ll start having faith in you. *goes back to the bailey so he can enter the fray*

Mickey: *jumps in front of them* Yeah, you guys aren’t fighting this battle. Go find Riku and Kairi, that’s an order.

Sora: …So suddenly we’re not supposed to care about Aerith, Yuffie, Tifa, the Gullwings, Cloud, or Stitch?

Mickey: You forgot Squall.

Sora: Don’t think I did.

Duckmin: You know what I’m not gonna argue? What you just said. Because you’re super right.

Mickey: Well they can handle this without you, didn’t you see how much ass they were kicking just now? And if you’re wondering about the lack of the Keyblade, don’t forget that I have one.

Sora: Dude, I’m not the biggest Squall fanboy, but I still promised him that I would get rid of the Heartless surrounding this area midway through the game. This is roughly that point.

Mickey: Oh for fuck’s sake, Duckmin, Goofy, take Sora and get him out of here.

Sora: Riku, Kairi…You can wait another couple hours of gameplay, can’t you?

Duckmin and Goofy: *look at each other and easily come to a decision*

Duckmin: You got it, Your Majesty!

Goofy: We are to search for Riku and Kairi and eventually find them hopefully.

Mickey: Good, I’m glad you understand.

Duckmin: Clear as crystal.

Sora: Damn it, you guys!

Mickey: *is still on the cliff, assessing the situation*

Duckmin: Sora, our objective is to eventually track down Riku and Kairi with you.

Goofy: And to always stick by you no matter what.

Duckmin: So no matter where we go, you have to come with us. Geddit?

Sora: Soooo…

Duckmin: Yeeees…

Sora: What you’re saying is…

Goofy: Yeeees…

Sora: That I…

Duckmin: Yeeess…

Sora: SHOULD BLOW SHIT UP!

Goofy: Yes—Wait no.

Mickey: No!

Duckmin: Do it.

Sora: Doin’ it! *mouths thank you*

Duckmin: OKEY DOKEY, LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! *runs right past Mickey with Sora and Goofy*

Mickey: DO YOU SHITLORDS NOT KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW ORDERS!

Sora: True, those who don’t follow orders are scum.

Mickey: Glad you understand—

Sora: But those who abandon their friends are even lower than scum. *heads for the battlefield*

Duckmin: What he said! *follows Sora*

Goofy: Just because those words turned out to have been said by one of the worst people in that series whose entire excellent motivation was ruined by one single chapter that said that everyone in that particular family was just born crazy and homicidal doesn’t mean that message is suddenly ruined forever, it’s still a fucking good message. *jumps after the other two*

Mickey: …We’re never gonna be rid of that shit, are we.

~Ooooh, this is new.~

Camera in computer room: *sees Xemnas enter the room before he destroys the camera*

Xemnas: Well that was fun, wasn’t it. *inserts a CD into the drive in the computer and types in “another” into the search engine that pops up, and then types in six other passwords* Wonder what it is I’m even typing or if we’ll ever find out. *door that was never opened before opens; Xemnas takes the disk out and goes through it, descending until he’s standing on a glowing platform, which activates the door to open up and a ramp to appear, which he descends as the floor closes behind him and the ramp disappears as soon as he gets off as if it was a hologram because that makes sense if you’ve seen Red Dwarf I guess* Okay, hit the spiral ramp way that leads down into a really deep section of Hollow Bastion. Why don’t I just jump down there, there’s no fall damage, is anyone really keen to watch me actually walk down this entire ramp in real time, what the shit is this garbage. *finally gets to the bottom of what seems to be a cell block and goes through the final door on the end, where there’s a throne-like chair in a Dusk-colored room that activates chain-like designs on the floor and walls that light up when Xemnas sits down*

Clump of what is plainly Aqua’s armor: *is kind of just lying there*

Xemnas: So…What up?

Aqua's armor: Spoilers for A Fragmentary Passage?

Xemnas: Oh who even cares.

Aqua’s armor: Well in that case, let's see...I went through a few fucked up versions of planets we've been to, hallucinated that I saw you and Ven except maybe not because apparently you did show up briefly and Ven was there too I think it's not a hundred percent clear. Then I hung out with Mickey for a bit, saved Riku's ass, lost the Master's Defender...Now I'm just kind of wandering around until I meet up with Not Christopher Lee, I guess.

Xemnas: Neat.

~Wow, even her Keyblade’s there, that’s a surprise. I mean sure she had the Master's Defender but still, thought that would've disappeared or something after eleven years.~

Castle That Never Was: *is suddenly a thing*

Zexion: Okay, how far back in time are we, because I am dead now.

Vexen: So am I but who cares, talk with me, it’s urgent.

Zexion: Oh good.

Vexen: Where the fuck is Lord Xemnas?

Zexion: The usual spot.

Vexen: …In Twilight Town?

Zexion: No, that place he always goes to in…Hollow Bastion, I think. And no, not the portal Sora fights him in, I think we can all be reasonably sure that won’t happen for a while.

Vexen: What, that room under the computer area thing?

Zexion: Yes…Wait, was the previous scene also a flashback?

Vexen: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK. I hate waiting, and he needs to hear about…whatever it is I’m doing, I guess it’s the clones again, it’s usually about the clones. But seriously, I need to talk to him about something and I hate the fact that he’s never around when I need him and I can’t do anything to get him to listen to me… *wanders off muttering to himself*

Zexion: Phew, glad that’s over. Now hopefully I won’t run into anyone else today—

Xigbar: ‘Sup.

Zexion: DAMN IT. Why are you perched up there and why the fuck is your hood still up.

Xigbar: Haven’t been officially revealed in the KHII timeline yet. I know, weird, right?

Zexion: That makes no fucking sense, but whatever gets you out of my fucking hair I’m down for. Please go back to Xaldin so you can recruit new members wow this is far back.

Xigbar: I know, right? *jumps down* And I just got Marluxia yesterday so I figured I could use some time off. We’re up to eleven now so we’ve only got two more to go, really. Hope one’s a chick, we gotta get some diversity up in this bitch. Maybe Lexaeus can find one, I gave him my job so I can catch some serious Zs.

Zexion: Okay. Go sleep. Please just go.

Xigbar: As if! I still wanna talk to you! It’s about our boss, after all!

Zexion: Pretty sure you know more than I do.

Xigbar: What, about the time Keyblade users fought at the Keyblade graveyard for a truly spectacular and cinematic battle? Apparently we’re talking about the one in BBS and not the original thing we still don’t know the circumstances of, considering Terra had amnesia at the end of it and was possessed by my old boss man. Isn’t it convenient that Ansem took in Xehanort right around the time that happened?

Zexion: Why do I have the feeling you’re about to tell me even more of what I already know?

Xigbar: It’s like you know me! We used to do all our old research down in the Chamber of Secrets—

Zexion: Repose, and I know.

Xigbar: …Wait, it was a graveyard, it looked more like a prison block or something. In any case, Ansem the Wise sealed it off.

Zexion: I am aware.

Xigbar: Once Xehanort became Xemnas and got rid of Ansem in an unspecified manner to keep the audience guessing, he reopened that place almost immediately and built a new section where he goes sometimes and talks to either himself or someone else.

Zexion: WHY ARE YOU REPEATING SHIT BOTH OF US ALREADY KNOW AS IF IT’S BRAND NEW INFORMATION.

Xigbar: ‘Cause I wanna know who it is he’s talking to.

Zexion: Waiting outside the door, were you?

Xigbar: Yep, but couldn’t hear shit. Recognized the armor, but it looked empty so I wasn’t too worried. Still, don’t you want to know what’s going on?

Zexion: No, on account of it not being any of my business. Remodeling the new base of operations, however, is, and I should really get back to it, considering we need more people while we’re not looking for new people. Now if you’ll excuse me—

Xigbar: We got a new place? You talking about Castle Oblivion? We’re not permanently moving there, are we, I kinda like this sleek and shiny pad. Is there something there that Xemnas wants as well?

Zexion: He told us everything he intends to tell us. And you might scoff at that, but if you really think about it, you can still scoff at it, but after that…

Xigbar: He’s keeping secrets and you know it.

Zexion: The leader of a secret organization keeping secrets? I’m shocked!

Xigbar: Don’t be a smartass. There’s a Chamber of Waking in that castle and I think he intends to find it. It was made by someone other than Xemnas, but I think there’s someone else he wants to talk to in there.

Zexion: Is that right.

~…I understood that entire expositional conversation. In a Kingdom Hearts game. That’s, uh, that’s new for me.~

Chapter Text

~…OH RIGHT, PLOT.~

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *skid to a halt when Demyx shows up*

Demyx: Damn it, I don’t want to fight these guys…Complimenting time! You guys are awesome, you know that?

Duckmin: Damn it, we don’t have time for this!

Sora: Hey, what were you doing in the Underworld, anyway? Why’re you hanging out with losers like Organization XIII when you can clearly outsmart the gods and be more badass than anyone else I’ve ever heard of?

Demyx: It’s actually pretty easy: I hate fighting so I make sure not to get caught. Recon’s always been more my style, when I feel like doing it.

Sora:Can you fight?

Duckmin: Please say you can’t, it’ll be that much easier to kick your ass. And even if you can, we relish the challenge.

Demyx: Bitch I am That One Boss for some people!

Sora: Dude I have never had a problem with you!

Demyx: Damn it, they sent me out to be destroyed first ‘cause I’m the weakest remaining member, didn’t they. Fuck.

Sora: Who is this guy? Seems like someone I could hang out with and assist whenever they had a problem and they’d give me items in exchange.

Goofy: …That was oddly specif—

Sora: NO IT WASN’T!

Goofy: Hey, remember these aren’t real people in the first place.

Sora: Right, they don’t even have hearts!

Demyx: I think you’ll find that we do, actually.

Duckmin: I am disbelief.

Demyx: …Roxas, are you coming back with me or not.

Sora: I don’t know who that is, bro.

Demyx: Don’t call me bro. I don’t wanna be called bro by the likes of such a backstabbing loser. *summons a dome of water around him that forms a sitar* I’m about to fight you more seriously than I’ve ever fought in my life.

Sora: Well crap baskets.

Demyx: Oh, you say that too.

Sora: *clears out the number of water conjured things required within the time limit, then starts wailing on Demyx, dodging his water blasts and repeating as necessary*

Demyx: *watches as his sitar dissolves into bubbles and he himself starts to dissolve* Ah fuck, thought I would last longer… *dies*

Sora: …I’m gonna mask my sudden sense of loss by calling out the rest of the Organization.

Duckmin: Hold it in till the end of the game.

Goofy: Yeah, we got the halfway point to get through first.

Sora: Heh, true enough. I just kind of want to get it over with at this point, you know?

Duckmin: Then let’s continue moving forward until it is over with.

Mickey: Yeah, that’s not going to happen. *glares at them*

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *deign to look chastised*

Mickey: …Okay, yes it is. Go fight dudes.

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: OKAY.

A Nobody and a Heartless: *fight so fiercely on the cliff above them that a boulder is dislodged*

Goofy: MOVE YOUR ASS! *pushes Mickey out of the way and takes a blow right to the head, sending him careening head-first into another wall*

Sora: …That did not just happen.

Mickey: No…

Duckmin: *starts shaking Goofy roughly* Come one! You gotta get up! I’m just gonna forget all the curative magic I know and shake you roughly, possibly exacerbating the damage caused to your brain!

Mickey: Please stop, you are not a doctor.

Duckmin: I am way closer to a medical professional than you would expect!

Mickey: But not as close as you would hope.

Duckmin: Not as close as you need. To do things.

Mickey: Hey Duckmin, Goofy’s fucking dead.

Duckmin: Whatever, just put a burger on it!

Mickey: Feed it pizza.

Sora: Come on, wake up! I have an additional forty-seven items in my inventory but I’m not going to use a single one of them on you because I never do in these games, now get up!

Duckmin: I’m sorry about the thing with the toaster, okay?!

Mickey: …Goofy…?

Duckmin: *starts sobbing over Goofy’s body*

Sora: This isn’t…This isn’t actually happening…right? This is just a bad dream, right…?

Mickey: *clenches fist* KINGDOM KEY D! BE THE INSTRUMENT OF MY FUCKING REVENGE! *rips off cloak and summons Kingdom Key D in one smooth motion before running into battle*

Duckmin: *screams and runs after him*

Sora: Hold up!

Duckmin: No! There’s no time to give a fuck!

Sora: There’s always time to give fucks, man.

Duckmin: Not really. *leaves*

Sora: *hesitates before leaving Goofy’s body and chasing after them*

Goofy: *is kind of just lying there*

Party menu: The departed member has surrendered their equipment.

Sora: …What, did we just loot his fucking dead-ass body or something, Jesus.

Yuffie: Sora, you’re gonna team up with us one by one and kill shit and then we’ll just disappear from your field of vision but that does not mean we’re dead, got it?

Sora: Got it! *clears out all the Heartless in that area and moves on to Squall’s section, then Tifa’s* THANK YOU FOR DISTRACTING ME FROM THE SAD WITH YOUR BADASSERY.

Tifa: Thanks, I appreciate you saying that. And no, Aerith will not be appearing in this battle sequence, even as a white mage.

Sora: Good, probably. *moves on to Cloud’s section* YO TIFA, HE’S RIGHT HERE! Also Cloud, you should know we saw Sephiroth earlier.

Cloud: So did I but thanks for telling me. *visibly peaces out once he’s done*

Sora: *enters the crystal cave and sees Mickey and Duckmin waiting for him*

Mickey: Hey.

Sora: The fuck were you.

Mickey: You kept summoning in the Final Fantasy characters and that made us disappear. We didn't want to be anywhere near those guys.

Sora: …So does this mean you’re taking over in the party now?

Duckmin: While an awesome concept, I hate that Goofy had to be sacrificed for that to happen.

Goofy: For what to happen?

Sora: …You’re alive?!

Goofy: ‘Course I’m still alive! *runs down to them* That hurt pretty bad, though. Under normal circumstances I might have a concussion.

Mickey: *glomps him* I thought you died because of me.

Goofy: …Dude, I still had my own items equipped. It was just a potion, but still.

Sora: Thought everything was taken when you left the party.

Goofy: For the sake of argument I still had some items left. Which I’m astounded that none of you even tried to use.

Duckmin: *bashes Goofy in the shin with his staff*

Goofy: And now I need to use another item, thanks, dickweed.

Duckmin: Don’t bother, we’re right next to a save point. And don’t ever make us think you’re dead again!

Goofy: Try a Cure spell next time, then.

Duckmin: Hey how ‘bout you fuck off, then.

Mickey: Aw, that’s so sweet, all of this could’ve been avoided if even one of us bothered to check for a pulse or a heart beat or breathing or anything else.

Sora: …OKAY, GLAD THAT’S OVER, LET’S CONTINUE WITH SHIT. Oh hey, Cura upgrade, neat.

Duckmin: Sometimes we get split up like we were earlier, and can’t help each other. At times like that, try using your enemies to fight!

Sora: You mean like how I choose to go solo on certain Coliseum missions last year and how I went through an entire castle almost without your and how I keep getting forced to fight alone for plot reasons and still turn out fine?

Duckmin: Exactly!

Sora: Well at least using your enemies’ own strength against them has never not been a good message to give.

Goofy: A-hyuk! I don’t know what happened, but sorry if I made you worried! What could happen next? We’d better prepare ourselves for anything!

Sora: Already reequipped you with everything.

Goofy: Thanks, brah!

Mickey: I’m glad everyone’s all right. But we can’t relax just yet. We have to rally together for all our friends’ sakes!

Sora: Okay, let’s head into the next area! *heads into the next area* …How come all the Heartless have stopped and they’re just staring at us?

Goofy: Could that guy be the reason?

Sora: That cloaked guy that didn’t Apparate in until after you pointed in his direction?

Goofy: That be the guy!

Xemnas: *takes off his hood for no reason*

Duckmin: The not-Ansem guy?

Goofy: Shit, his Nobody’s even prettier than his Heartless.

Sora: We get the big reveal of the leader of Organization XIII before two other goons? That’s kind of weird, one of them isn’t even that important.

Mickey: Okay, the right memory finally triggered for me. TIME FOR A FLASHBACK!

Sora: Oh great.

~This is so weird with the knowledge we have post-BBS …~

Mickey: Wise Ansem, I am here to seek your advice, because apparently talking to Noiti Sopxe wasn’t e-fucking-nough for some reason. Or maybe I just wanted a second opinion, Iunno. By the way, nice beakers of literal hearts floating around in goo, that’s not terrifying at all.

Ansem the Wise: I’m glad you think so. *is holding some sea salt ice cream* So yeah, total vocal giveaway that I’m DiZ, you’re welcome.

Mickey: Eh, you got a different voice actor in Chain of Memories, forgive me if I didn’t recognize you.

Ansem the Wise: Absolutely. Anyway, I wanna dig into planetary hearts, but that would probably blow up the planets themselves, so let’s not.

Mickey: Good, I was gonna warn you about the same thing.

Ansem the Wise: …Did I do all this?

Mickey: Probably.

Te…Xehanort: *comes through the door and bows* So I was going through the experiment that we’ve spent so much time and taxpayer revenue on and if you’d just sign some paperwork I’ll be able to proceed on schedule—

Ansem the Wise: No, we’re shutting everything down as of today. I forbid you from even thinking about what we have been discussing for months if not roughly a year.

Xehanort: On what fucking grounds?

Ansem the Wise: BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO, NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, I’M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THIS TALKING MOUSE.

Xehanort: …Okay, I’m going to plot your downfall with the others now. *bows and leaves*

~…You couldn’t have gotten that from a portrait, you had to see the guy in person?~

Mickey: *still staring up at Xemnas* Now I remember! Ansem’s apprentice was named Xehanort, and he was even more unrealistically pretty then than his Nobody is today!

Woolie: Wait, isn't there, um, some Kingdom Hearts thing with, like, Something Heart?

Pat: *deep, heavy sigh* Yeah. There's a guy who's named Xehanort—

Woolie: There you go.

Matt: There's the Heartless...

Pat: And Xehanort is “no heart” anagram'd with an X in it.

Woolie: No heart. There you go.

Mickey: ...How did I never realize that until Pat pointed it out. *summons Kingdom Key D and charges*

Sora: Okay, let’s do this! *is instantly surrounded by Heartless and summons Oathkeeper*

Duckmin and Goofy: *watch as Sora stands before a sea of Heartless, before slowly turning back to face them*

Sora: *smiles softly* For Frodo. *charges forward and is suddenly alone, fighting literally a thousand Heartless, which considering he’s level sixty he wipes out with ease though it takes a while and who even knows where Duckmin, Goofy and Mickey are at this point, and leans against the cliff in the next area*

Duckmin and Goofy: *run up behind him*

Sora: The fuck have you two been. Also where’s the King.

Duckmin: Killing more Heartless up ahead.

Sora: Neato. *runs forward*

Xemnas: *is standing at the edge of the cliff with Mickey about to attack him from behind*

Mickey: TIME TO EAT SHIT, YOU BASTARD!

Duckmin: ‘SUP, YOUR MAJESTY!

Mickey: Damn it, Duckmin, I was gonna try to sneak attack Xehanort!

Xemnas: Dude I know you’re there. Also it’s been a while since anyone called me that.

Sora: WHERE THE FUCK ARE KAIRI AND RIKU.

Xemnas: Who the fuck is Kairi.

Sora: …Well that answers that I guess…

Xemnas: Also the King knows about Riku, why don’t you ask him.

Sora: …You wanna talk, bitch?

Mickey: I do not. *attacks Xemnas and disappears into the Dark Corridor he’s conjured around himself* I don't know where this leads, but fuck it, better than here.

Sora: …He did know something, the little shit. *collapses to the ground and starts punching said ground*

Goofy: Yeah, he really does tend to show Dumbledore-esque tendencies sometimes. *puts a hand on Sora’s shoulder*

Duckmin: Damn, wish there was something we could actually do…But at least there is no longer a sea of Heartless around those towers, I guess?

Goofy: That does appear to be a thing.

Axel: Yeah, way to fuck it up. *is leaning up against the cliff face*

Sora: Oh good, a new guy to kill.

Axel: You would, wouldn’t you. Just like you killed those Heartless, right? Just like the ones the Xemnas wanted you to kill?

Duckmin: Who the hell is Xemnas.

Axel: That guy who just Disapparated? He’s the leader of the Organization. Hang on, gotta get the obligatory joke out of the way: M-A-N-S-E-X. Shift those letters around and they’re Ansem with an X thrown in there, otherwise known as Xemnas. Got it memorized?

Sora: Yeah that’s not a very good joke.

Axel: No it is not.

Goofy: Hold up, back it up…Organization XIII wants us to kill Heartless?

Axel: Well, Sora, specifically. *points at the Keyblade* Every organ harvested from Heartless with the Keyblade sends a heart floating into the sky, especially if they were Emblem Heartless. You’ve probably noticed this. The Organization has been collecting those organs.

Duckmin: Why?

Axel: For some reason I don’t feel like explaining.

Sora: Axel…

Axel: *blinks* Y-Yes?

Sora: You…You’re the one who kidnapped Kairi!

Axel: …Yes, yes I am. Least you got my name memorized.

Goofy: Wait, did someone at Twilight Town say it or are we playing it off as Roxas?

Duckmin: Who can even keep track anymore.

Sora: What did you do with Kairi?

Axel: Ah. About that…I was seriously bringing her over to see you, but…

Sora: But what?!

Axel: Look, I’m kind of a deserter, and when they tried to track me down…

Saïx: Axel! *Apparates in front of him*

Axel: Aaaaand that’s my cue to leave. Smell ya later, losers! *Disapparates*

Sora: Damn it, get back here!

Saïx: *blocks him* Don’t worry, we’ll turn him into a Dusk for you to murder later.

Sora: Sure, great, hey, do you mind letting me into your home planet or something akin to it?

Saïx: What, to rescue Kairi? Don’t worry about her, she’s being well taken care of.

Sora: I don’t like what that implies. Please just take me to her.

Saïx: That depends.

Sora: On what?

Saïx: On how far you’re willing to go for her.

Sora: I will get on my knees right now and suck your dick.

Saïx: Words are wind.

Sora: *gets on his knees*

Goofy: Okay, when the fuck did this become a slash fic for something iheart doesn’t even come close to fucking shipping?!

Saïx: I’ll spare you that visual and just say that I’m not gonna take you to her no matter what anyway.

Sora: *jumps up* Can’t even get it up, can you?

Saïx: Frankly? No.

Sora: And now I hate you.

Saïx: Good. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger. Now kill these Heartless. *summons a bunch of them* For some reason I believe the Heartless to be pitiful. And now Keyblades have feelings, sure, why not. Um, and then he rambles something about darkness, no one was paying attention at that meeting…Oh, don’t forget the primary objective I’m telling you we all have: To collect the hearts from the Heartless to form the Title of the Franchise. And then we’ll all become real boys!

Maleficent: So you’re stealing thousands of hearts just to transplant thirteen hearts for yourselves? *Floos in behind Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy* That’s fucking stupid. Also, that moon you’re creating? Totally gonna take it over and rule it for myself. Because I wanna.

Sora: Okay, um, I’m just beginning to get that all the slaughtering of Heartless I’ve been doing was a bad idea, so, uh, could you, like, not conjure up a bunch of them this time?

Maleficent: HA! Just for that, I’m gonna conjure more! *conjures more, but surrounding Saïx, not Sora*

Sora: Why don't you summon the big spooky ones?

Saïx: Whatever. *summons Dusks to kill the Heartless*

Sora: …I can still kill these things, right?

Maleficent: *Floos in front of him and summons a wall of green flames* I’ll distract them, you find a way to take out their leader so they’ll stop being so fucking annoying.

Sora: Since when did you become a good guy?!

Maleficent: *is getting jumped by Dusks* I’m not, I just want you to do my dirty work for me to minimize my role in this game even further for some reason.

Goofy: Just turn into a fucking dragon, lady.

Duckmin: So we really should leave now probably.

Sora: But that blue-haired guy still knows where Kairi is! And now Maleficent’s dead, great.

Saïx: *gets rid of the pile of Nobodies and conjures up Heartless instead*

Sora: Thought these guys were controlled by Pete this game.

Saïx: Little of column A, little of column B.

Sora: *destroys two of the Heartless*

Saïx: *watches two hearts rise up into the sky in satisfaction* Sora, keep doing what you’re doing, we all really appreciate it. *Disapparates*

Sora: Oh shit. *blocks a Heartless attack with his Keyblade as the screen fades to black* We’ve been killing and killing and this whole fucking time we’ve been helping our next set of enemies. Damn it, my whole identity is tied to this stupid thing by this point, what am I even supposed to do if I can’t use it?!

Maleficent: Do I have to do everything around here?

Sora: Whoa that’s bright, didn’t think you were capable of that. And we got another Secret Ansem Report that were actually probably written by the real Ansem himself, now that we know things. I’ll take a look at those once we collect all of them.

Cloud and Squall: *staring out at the desolate landscape as a beam of light shoots into the sky*

Squall: …The fuck am I caring more about those assclowns than you are.

Cloud: I know, I mean I know we’re both emo gits at this point but you’re still supposed to be more emo than I am I think maybe. Or maybe I just have more faith in them than you. *sashays off like a boss* What I wouldn’t give to be as happy go lucky as that again someday.

Squall: *looks back up to the beam of light* Guess that means they got beamed back aboard the Gummi ship.

~Xigbar and Luxord are starting to look ridiculous as the only Organization members who still keep their hoods up. Oh wait, Xaldin is, too, huh.~

Saïx: *Apparates onto his chair in the Round Room* So Sora knows about our cunning plan. Are we sure this was the right decision? He’ll be really hesitant to go after Heartless now.

Xigbar: As if! His saving people thing is so strong that as long as people are threatened by Heartless, he will be defending them.

Luxord: Gambling jokes! *throws a pair of dice into the air and catches them again* And at least we really have the ball rolling now.

Xaldin: Don’t get too excited or you’ll end up like Demyx.

Luxord: After you. And besides, why not have a little fun?

Xigbar: Wait, we’re actively trying to kill him now? Don’t we need him for the Keyblade?

Xemnas: If he’s that easy to kill he wasn’t worth the trouble in the first place.

Xaldin: Good, that means murdering time is on, then.

~GEE, I WONDER WHO WE’LL HAVE TO DEFEAT NEXT.~

Sora: Guess this means we got beamed back aboard the Gummi ship. Also Maleficent helped us out, what the fuck.

Duckmin: Yeah, that was weird. Now let’s flashback to how we got off-planet where we could’ve just easily shown it as it was fucking happening.

~I guess it’s a stylistic choice but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it.~

Sora: We’ve been killing and killing and this whole fucking time we’ve been helping our next set of enemies. *blocks a Heartless attack* Damn it, my whole identity is tied to this stupid thing by this point, what am I even supposed to do if I can’t use it?!

Maleficent: Do I have to do everything around here? *creates a black hole of darkness in the ground that Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy all sink into*

Sora: *wakes up in a pitch black area, gets up and sees Duckmin and Goofy walking toward him*

Goofy: What fresh hell is this?

Sora: Well it’s dark in here so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s the Realm of Darkness. *starts shouting into the void* Kairi! Riku! Aqua! Anyone!

Duckmin: Well there’s someone over there, that’s for damn sure. Yo, tall guy in an Organization cloak, which one are you?

Riku: LOOK I GOT YOU A PRESENT. *Disapparates but leaves the box he was carrying behind*

Duckmin: Check it, we got a present!

Goofy: Could be a trap.

Duckmin: Don’t care. *opens box revealing a photo lying on top of a single popsicle*

Goofy: …Why wouldn’t you at least leave it wrapped.

Sora: *takes the photo Duckmin handed him*

Goofy: Why do we now have a photo of Twilight Town, should we head there next or what? What do we need with Hayner, Pence, Olette, and some other fourth guy we’ve never seen before?

Sora: So this is Roxas…

Duckmin: Have you two met before or something?

Sora: Look at his character design. He’s got the same build as me and our faces and eye color match identically. Except for the haircut we could be twins. I’m willing to bet even our voices might be vaguely similar. It’s no small wonder the Organization keeps mistaking me for him, I look like him if I got my hair stylized differently! They might think I am him for all they know!

Goofy: *looks at Duckmin holding the popsicle* Why weren’t there more for us, why does Duckmin get the only one, the box in the manga had four so we could each have one and so the fourth could symbolize that Roxas was supposed to get one as well, not to mention Sora getting the one with the WINNER stick because of sadness.

Duckmin: *eats popsicle* So salty, but sweet as well, me likey.

Popsicle: *glows and prompts Sora to do the key thing again*

Sora: Why are we even still doing this, every planet has been unlocked but for one that’s less a planet and more of an entire alternate dimension.

~Yeah, that had to be told in a flashback because…?~

Goofy: A picture of people from Twilight Town and a popsicle that could only have come from Twilight Town. I wonder if Twilight Town has any significance concerning the rest of the game.

Sora: Think Riku might be trying to tell us something?

Goofy: Well, first off, why do you think it’s Riku?

Sora: Well the build wasn’t Mickey’s, or even Axel’s, and who else in a cloak like that would be trying to help us at this stage of the game?

Duckmin: It’s true, we haven’t seen Riku in a year either so who knows how much he’s filled out.

Sora: Yeah, um, this is the section of the game where there are different, stronger Heartless everywhere in every planet and, while they grant more EXP, I probably shouldn’t destroy them for fear of helping the Organization get that much stronger.

Goofy: Allow me to appeal to your saving people thing, and the fact that if it’s just us fighting them, the hearts will only get dispersed so that Heartless will respawn elsewhere.

Sora: You have successfully appealed to my saving people thing and I no longer give a fuck. Still not gonna obsessively kill every Heartless I see from here on out, if only because I’m starting to get obscenely burnt out. *goes back to Hollow Bastion because of reasons*

Merlin: Many strange weapons exist. Some may only be wielded by chosen ones. Weapons such as those are closely bound to their masters. THIS IS A SUBTLE, HIDDEN REFERENCE TO ARTHUR AND EXCALIBUR, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING. You and your Keyblade are kind of similar except not at all.

Cid: It seems Tron’s all right now, and repairs are finally underway again in the city. Since you guys are VIP members, we’ll throw you a party once the city’s fixed up.

Yuffie: You guys sure know how to fight! But my ninjutsu is just as powerful. Watch this! KATON: GOUKAKYUU NO—Oh, wait. If I did that here, I might wreck the house.

Sora: Uh-huh, sure you would. *goes out to the market place to synthesize shit*

Scrooge: My ice cream research isn’t getting anywhere, but my skateboards are doing well.

Sora: That’s nice for you.

Tifa: Hmph. He’s not here, either. Well, I’m not going to let him hide from me forever.

Sora: He’s in the computer area you were previously trashing. Just go get him already.

Aerith: Squall was worried about you guys. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell. Ha ha! I’ll never understand why men feel they have to hide their feelings!

Sora: Societal expectation. That is literally the explanation. *goes to the castle postern to check up on Cloud and sees the Gullwings flying around*

Rikku: Riches! Riches! I’m so happy~! Ah! You?!

Paine: Hey, Rikku! Stop that singing and listen to…Huh? You?!

Sora: Indeed, me. *talks to Yuna*

Yuna: You lying liars who lie!

Sora: What’d we do now.

Rikku: That awesome sphere wasn’t even that awesome! It just had some Tidus lookalike in front of some huge death machine! Admittedly the background piano music was hype but it really wasn’t all that awesome!

Paine: We trusted you for some reason and everything.

Goofy: The hell, Duckmin?

Duckmin: What, it’s not like it showed random parts of Besaid with no hype-ass music whatsoever!

Yuna: You owe us!

Sora: …Why.

Yuna: Group huddle!

Paine: What’re we even saying during this shit.

Rikku: It is pretty indecipherable.

Yuna: Oh, I’ve got it! We’re going to take all of your shit for no reason!

Sora: Tough, I already gave all my good shit to the Moogle.

Paine: But what about everything you’ve synthesized?

Rikku: *floats around them* You have how many Elixers?! Jesus it’s beneficial to have this many Lucky Lucky abilities equipped this early!

Yuna: Yep. Mine now.

Sora: I will fucking squish you.

Yuna: Oh poopie.

Rikku: Yuna! Don’t talk like that!

Paine: Poopie? Oh, such language, Yuna! And from a High Summoner, too! *eyeroll*

Sora: You three make no sense.

Paine: I know. We’re not actually gonna do shit, by the way. Squall gave us a quick rundown of the plot so far. You’re definitely gonna need this shit if you’re playing on Critical.

Yuna: Especially if you’re gonna go for all the optional boss fights.

Rikku: So here, have a new Keyblade that’ll double your EXP if you get below half your health. With the ability you already have equipped this should triple it.

Yuna: It doesn’t have very good strength, though, so whether or not you actually use it is up to you. We leave now. *does the YRP pose with the other two and Disapparates with them*

Sora: What an eccentric performance. *goes down into the computer room*

Cloud: Tell me if you come across a man with long, silver hair and a long blade. His name is Sephiroth. He is my darkest enemy.

Sora: Well we saw him during the battle, like we told you. Also Tifa’s looking for you, she’s in the marketplace. You should probably let her know you’re all right.

Cloud: Enh…Nah.

Sora: Figures.

Squall: I see you’re all as overeager as ever. Just try to keep it under control, guys. Remember, this isn’t a playroom.

Sora: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! *leaves planet*

~Yes I’m still using Oathkeeper because fuck you.~

Chapter Text

~…OKAY, TIME TO SEEMINGLY REDO A BUNCH OF SHIT.~

Sora: *lands in the village in China* Can’t believe we have to sort out shit on every single planet a-fucking-gain. We can’t even go to later planets if we want to get certain storylines over with first, that’s a rip-off!

Goofy: Still, decent chance to check up on people aside from obligatory level grinding.

Duckmin: Well at least we know we came to the right place, there’s an Organization member right the fuck over there.

Riku: Oh shit. *runs up the mountain*

Sora: You’re not getting away that easily!

Mulan: Hold up.

Sora: *holds up* Dude you have no idea how important it is that we go after that guy—

Mulan: And you think it’s not important for me to do the same?

Duckmin: Okay, team up time it is!

Sora: …I need Goofy’s Lucky Lucky ability for reasons.

Duckmin: Fair enough, have fun!

Sora: *backtracks over the rest of the planet first* Hoo yeah, definitely got the more upgraded Heartless up in this bitch, huh.

Soldier A: *is still hanging around the bamboo thicket* There’s talk of suspicious people up at the summit lately. I hope the patrols aren’t slacking off, but they probably are.

Mulan: That’s a rather pessimistic attitude. Don’t worry, I’ll check up on them personally. *goes back to the village with Sora and Goofy*

Soldier B: The Captain’s gone, so we’re running whenever the enemy comes. They don’t chase us too far. Better to live and fight another day, right?

Soldier C: We’re actually supposed to be patrolling the mountain, but it’s so cold and windy! Well, we CAN see the mountain from here.

Mulan: I hate everyone. *finally heads up to the mountain* Oh hey, there he goes. *sees Riku head up to the summit and moves to follow him*

Sora: WHAT THE FUCK, NOBODIES. *kills the Dusks that appear and picks up some Twilight Shards* Fucking finally, been waiting for these to start dropping all game, need me some Mythril materials like whoa.

Mulan: Yeah that’s nice, can we move on with the plot now, please? *heads up to the summit* Shit, he got away.

Goofy: The hell are you doing, tracking someone from an obviously shady organization that is actively trying to turn people evil so they can produce Heartless and possibly Nobodies so they can fill their ranks and commit evil deeds possibly against your own nation?

Mulan: …I believe you just answered your own question. But there’s been a rumor that a guy in black’s going around spying on people, and it wasn’t the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. I was working on confirming that he’s actually an enemy when you guys decided to show up. Thanks for the confirmation that he’s actually evil, by the way.

Goofy: Did we fuck up you trying to catch him?

Mulan: Not really….Ah fuck, we got more Rapid Thrusters about to head down the mountain.

Duckmin: Still very unfortunate naming, if you ask me.

Rapid Thrusters: *actually look like a way more menacing swarm this time*

Sora: Okay, time to kill everything!

Mulan, Duckmin, and Goofy: *run ahead*

Sora: *sees the man in the black hood they were chasing standing behind him* Oh cool I get to take another one of you out today!

Riku: Look behind you, dumbass.

Sora: What’re you talking about — Oh. That is a lot of Rapid Thrusters.

Riku: Phrasing.

Sora: I know, right? *kills a bunch of them and sees the man in black holding a weapon out at him* Oh hai Soul Eater. Now I definitely know you’re Riku and am not even gonna bother fighting you. *kills all the Rapid Thrusters he can while basically ignoring Riku entirely*

Riku: Well I’m still gonna hang out near to you so you are gonna deplete my health eventually.

Sora: Not by choice I’m not — Oh, okay, expected that fight to last longer.

Riku: *does a very familiar hand gesture and runs off*

Sora: Oh sure, now I canonically recognize him. Not from his own fucking weapon but because he made a hand motion. Sure, why the fuck not.

Duckmin: *walks up to him with Goofy* So presumably we were fighting our own solo battles elsewhere on the summit.

Goofy: Did you kill that other guy?

Sora: …No, he got away.

Duckmin: Oh well, we can kill him next time!

Mulan: Cool, maybe I can get a shot in when that happens!

Sora: S-Sure, but what should we do in the meantime?

Goofy: Get rid of all the Heartless, of course! I know we’d be helping Organization XIII by doing that, but at least we’d be saving the people here as well!

Sora: Dude it’s physically impossible to get rid of every single Heartless, they will always be respawning whenever we leave more than two areas and come back not to mention just leaving the planet and coming back.

Duckmin: And now for a sudden earthquake.

Mulan: I’m going to be having a little talk with Daisy when I get back…Come on, before the entire mountain collapses or at least before there’s another avalanche.

Sora: Sure… *looks longingly around the summit for any sign of Riku even though he saw him leave the same way they’re about to leave*

Storm Rider: *bursts out of the snow as they’re heading down*

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, and Mulan: *stare at the giant massive boss Heartless* …This is a problem.

Storm Rider: *visibly heads for the city*

Mulan: IT’S HEADING FOR THE CITY!

Sora: Yeah no shit.

Mulan: We’ve got to warn Shang!

Sora: Oh is he still here, I haven’t seen him. Or any of the others, really.

Mulan: They’re all in the palace which we can now enter because you’ve progressed far enough in the game I guess.

Sora: OH WELL ISN’T THAT SWELL.

~Sometimes I hate half-assed gameplay progression.~

Shang: *gets thwown to the floor*

Riku: Well that was pathetically easy. *makes the weapon that totally gives away that it’s him disappear* And now to actually talk to this guy.

Shang: Stop, don’t, come back.

Emperor: …‘Sup.

Riku: …What, do I look menacing or something?

~Oh I’m sure he’s harmless.~

Mulan: Quick, we have to head to the boss fight as quickly as possible!

Sora: I’m sure we do. *heads up and down the mountain over and over again* SHIT YEAH TWILIGHT MATERIALS! Finally we get to murder Nobodies all over the fucking place!

Mulan: I hate you. So fucking much.

Sora: Fine, fine, we’ll finish the level.

Goofy: What, you don’t want to level up for like five hours?

Sora: …Eh. *heads down to the palace* Huh, thought this would be the boss fight but there’s nothing here.

Yao: Oh hai gais. ‘Bout time you actually showed up so we could continue to do nothing aside from cameo uselessly.

Duckmin: Well at least you three admit that you have no place in these segments.

Ling: Oh well that’s just hurtful.

Chien-Po: So yeah, you should probably go after that guy in the black cloak thing.

Mulan: HE’S HERE?!

Chien-Po: …That was kind of what I just told you, yes.

Yao: He’s in the palace if you want to try and catch up to him.

Mulan: On it.

Sora: Boy is it convenient that those three completely disappear right when the waves of Heartless turn up, isn’t it. *slaughters all of them and runs up to the palace* Ah shit, it’s locked and I have nothing that can instantly unlock everything I point at it!

Mulan: We’ll never reach the emperor in time…OKAY TIME TO CLIMB COLUMNS I GUESS! You guys first, I don’t want you staring at my ass.

Sora: This is very very unlike you.

Mulan: So’s me nearly falling down when it’s my turn to climb.

Sora: Why are you suddenly pathetic.

Mulan: I don’t know, it’s pretty saddening. Saved my own self without you grabbing me, though. *leads them into the palace*

Sora: Oh hey look, an Organization XIII guy with an entirely different build than the other guy we met earlier. *jumps down with everyone else* …Wait, I have an option to actually go up and talk to him or leave and dick around on the planet some more? That’s…odd. Eh, fuck it, I’m going through with the plot. *goes up to the hooded guy*

Mulan: ‘Sup, nerd.

Hooded guy: *flinches and turns around*

Sora: …I know your build is completely different but I still have to ask whether or not you’re Riku.

Duckmin and Goofy: …Okay, this could be a development.

Hooded guy: *is actually Xigbar, which he reveals by unhooding himself* As if, kiddo. *summons a bunch of Sniper Nobodies*

Sora: Ah crap baskets.

Xigbar: Oh, you say that too.

Sora: *summons Keyblade and looks back at where Xibgar was, realizing he is no longer there* Ah crap baskets!

Xigbar: Heh, you say that too. Heading for the exit okay? Okay, bye!

Sora: Oh fuck everything. *kills all the Snipers*

Goofy: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the thin-faced old guy with the burn marks on his cheek who’s missing one yellow eye and has pointy ears and a long black and gray ponytail isn’t actually Riku.

Duckmin: … *slow clap*

Mulan: Yeah this is all fascinating, but we need to check up on my boyfriend. Oh, and also the leader of all of China I guess.

Sora: Oh, I forgot the thing we other came here for. *runs into the throne room and skids to a halt right in front of the Emperor’s throne* Yeah that probably wasn’t protocol.

Mulan: Your Excellency! Shang! There’s an evil flying dragon heading right for the palace! Please believe me on this, I know it sounds nutty but we’ve seen crazy monsters all over China for some time now and I’ve been teaming up with a giant talking duck and dog duo for weeks now so just trust me on this I guess.

Emperor: Yeah we know, that dude in the cloak already told us. Right after he beat Shang up with considerable ease. Not that that’s hard, amirite, Captain?

Shang: I hate your face, Your Excellency.

Emperor: I’m sure you do.

Sora: This cloaked guy, did he say what his name was? Whether it was Riku or Xigbar, for instance?

Goofy: How do you know that guy’s name already?

Sora: I’m not entirely sure.

Emperor: Didn’t give a name, but…Well, he wasn’t a gloating asshole, he was kind of just a regular asshole.

Sora: Yep, Riku.

Duckmin: We have evidence to suggest that the King is really only wearing an Organization cloak so that he can sneak around and gather intel on the Organization itself without getting caught…so why do you think Riku joined the Organization?

Goofy: Dude, he could just be doing the same thing the King’s doing. You know, all the things you just said.

Duckmin: No but he’s turned evil before so why not again, you know?

Mulan: Why would he come to this country, though? And JESUS CHRIST DAISY WILL YOU KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.

Shang: Oh come on, we both know that’s the dragon you just told us about.

Mulan: Whatever, just guard the Emperor, me and these guys will handle this.

Sora: Well I’m literally the only one who can, so obviously.

Emperor: Cool, we’ll just sit tight over here, then.

Duckmin: Yes, great, let’s move already!

Sora: Hang on, gotta collect new shit that’s suddenly everywhere. *collects new shit that’s suddenly everywhere*

Shang: Be careful, anything can happen in battle. Be aware of your surroundings, and use anything that can give you an advantage.

Sora: Thanks, because I’ve never been in a combat situation before.

Emperor: Hmm…To combat a flying opponent, one must fly himself. Birds know that flight means dominancy. Fly high, and maybe you’ll spot a weakness.

Sora: Dude, I don’t learn Glide till later, which is why that one puzzle piece over there will just be hovering in your throne room until I do. *goes to the entrance of the palace*

Mulan: *pushes open the door*

Storm Rider: HAI GAIS!

Mulan: Ah shit.

Sora: Don’t worry, we got this. Just be glad a man is here to comfort you.

Mulan: Go. Eat. A boat.

Sora: I knew you'd appreciate that. *runs out onto the palace square* Wow, I can almost already tell where each boss battle’s gonna be on each planet now.

Storm Rider: *flies above them and swoops down at them*

Sora: *dodges with the others, then gets back up and grabs its tail as it flies by*

Mulan: *jumps on after him*

Goofy: *is suddenly there too*

Sora: *attacks the parts of the Heartless that can actually be attacked*

Storm Rider: *collapses to the ground where Sora and the others attack its horns, which are apparently its weak parts, before flying up again*

Sora: *uses one of the twisters to fly up and land on the Storm Rider’s back again but falls off*

Storm Rider: *swoops down at Sora*

Sora: *uses a Reaction Command to toss the boss into the air and slam it onto the ground again so he can hit it better* …Huh. I didn’t know I could do that.

Storm Rider: *lands on the bridge and creates invisible walls in the hopes that Sora can’t escape its energy blasts*

Sora: Hey, thanks for giving me an easy target for me to finish your ass. *finishes its ass*

Storm Rider: *is suddenly in the air again because cutscene, and also because it needs to almost fall on Mulan so that Shang can push her out of the way at the last minute because this game needed to force the most capable female character in the entire Disney universe into a situation where she cannot save herself and needs to be saved by a man* Okay, we get that unnecessary bullshit out of the way? Good, I’m gonna dissolve now.

Sora: ALRIGHT, THAT LAST PART WAS ENTIRELY POINTLESS!

Shang: …The fuck didn’t you just fucking run. Or, like, run it through or something.

Mulan: I don’t know, I suddenly hate this fucking game. Every spoonful is regret.

Sora: Well at least you two look cute together.

Mulan and Shang: What, just because everyone knows we’re together and we’re getting married in a shitty sequel you think we’re a couple or something?! THAT’S JUST FUCKING RIDICULOUS! *act all flustered for no reason*

Fireworks: *suddenly go off*

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, Mulan, and Shang: And now we’re in front of the Emperor. That was quick.

Emperor: Okay, you killed a huge dragon, what kind of reward do you want.

Duckmin: ALL OF THE MUNNY.

Goofy: WE HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING BUT POTIONS AND ETHERS FOR OVER A YEAR.

Sora: I’d like some information, specifically as to what the hooded guy told you. Like, word for word.

Emperor: Just information? Really?

Duckmin: NO! MUNNY!

Goofy: TO BUY FOOD!

Sora: Just the information, please.

Emperor: Okay, so he was talking about dragons and how they’re apparently real even though the only thing even resembling anything supernatural in this dimension is limited to family guardians, which admittedly sometimes take the form of dragons, and how a huge one turned evil and was gonna destroy all our shit. I was able to evacuate all of my nonexistent citizens and prepare my troops to disappear whenever they weren’t needed so that Mulan could handle everything.

Shang: Except the guy told us that three douchebags would show up and take care of everything so Mulan wouldn’t even have to do that much even though she’ll still take a shitton of the credit.

Sora: Oh yeah, definitely Riku.

Duckmin: I have a bad feeling about this.

Goofy: Yeah, Duckmin’s worried that Riku’s joined the Organization instead of just spying on them in the same way the King is.

Sora: WHO CARES, HE’S FUCKING ALIVE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS FOR A WHILE THERE. Seriously, Mickey’s response to my question made me think he was dead, I’m really glad he’s fucking alive.

Duckmin: That’s fair, I guess.

Emperor: Oh, Fa Mulan, you want anything?

Goofy: Hey wait, I fought, too—

Mulan: I wanna bang Shang for a week straight, can he have a vacation?

Emperor: Nope. Protecting me is kind of his permanent job forever, no matter how much he may suck at it.

Mulan: Shit.

Emperor: So you wanna have the same job as him so you can bang on the job? Also so I can have twice the protection, I guess. I really want you two to bang on the job so I can remember what banging is like.

Mulan: I can deal with that!

Shang: Absolutely, it might we weird at first but we’ll get used to it really quick.

Sora: *sniff* It’s so beautiful! A pity Riku didn’t give me a paupu fruit as an additional clue as to who he was so I could give it to you two to share like in the manga, but this is still adorable! *cries*

Duckmin and Goofy: Aww, we’re never gonna not tease you about this.

Sora: Of course you’re not.

Mulan and Shang: We’re so adorable.

Land of Dragons title card: …I guess that’s it for that planet!

Sora: What, and we just get kicked off after that? That was obscenely anticlimactic and also why am I missing like four treasure chests, I’ve been all over that planet. *goes back* HIDDEN BEHIND THE EMPEROR’S THRONE, WHAT THE SHIT, GAME.

Soldier A: We will guard the Emperor with our lives. Rest assured on your journey.

Sora: Yes, because I care so much.

Soldier B: Thank you for saving the Emperor.

Emperor: A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man may be the difference between victory and defeat.

Sora: …Eh, might as well see if the Nobodies have stuck around. *goes back up the mountain* HOLY SHIT!

Shang: Look at how much we’ve restored that burnt village.

Sora: I KNOW, I CAN FINALLY REACH THAT ONE PUZZLE PIECE, THANKS SO MUCH.

Duckmin: …Yes, we’re sure he did it entirely so you could reach a high thing.

Shang: Even if there may always be war, there will always be hope.

Yao: Hey, how’ve you been? Say, when are you going to grow as strong as we are?

Chien-Po: I’d much rather be training for an eating contest.

Sora: FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU ONLY MENTIONED FOOD ONCE IN ONE SONG, WHY DO PEOPLE GOTTA DO THIS.

Ling: Mulan’s been really busy of late. What can you expect, though? She’s the hero of our nation.

Sora: Yeah, for something that we did that she took all the credit for. *leaves the planet for realzies*

~Still kind of miffed about how weakly they integrated this entire storyline.~

Chapter Text

~…Wait, didn’t this already happen in this version?~

Belle: It’s apparently been more than a year since I’ve been here and we’re just getting to the big dance number? Despite me already being dressed like this over a year ago implying that the big dance number already happened—HOW LONG HAS MY FATHER BEEN SEARCHING FOR ME IN THE WOODS, THIS CASTLE IS NOT THAT HARD TO GET TO.

Wardrobe: Oh shut up and let me get a look at you, you look so pretty. Also hopefully you don’t get kidnapped mid-dance this time or whatever happened last year.

Belle: Is that what happened and we were too worried about that possibly happening again this year so we put off having another dance?

Wardrobe: Whatever rationalization helps you sleep at night.

Beast: *is downstairs, pacing and dressed up for the dance* What’s taking so long? I told her to come down. Why isn’t she here yet?!

Sora: Don’t know, but you look pretty awesome, what’s the occasion?

Duckmin: And at least there aren’t any Heartless and/or Nobodies around, at least until we leave this specific area and then they’ll just be fucking everywhere.

Goofy: Ah, you beat me by like one second.

Sora: Yeah, it would suck if they interrupted whatever this is.

Beast: Hey, you don’t have to talk to me right now if you don’t want to, you can go check shit out and talk to people if you want.

Sora: I will do that, I love wasting dialogue options. *goes into side room*

Lumiere: I have a good feeling about today. Not even the master could reject Belle’s request.

Cogsworth: There’s no harm in preparing a little atmosphere for those two. This, of course, is only possible because of me — the head steward!

Mrs. Potts: Well? How is the master? Hee hee…knowing him, he’s probably jittery as a bumblebee!

Chip: Hey! Is something going on at the castle today? Belle looks really happy, and everyone seems busy preparing for something.

Sora: Yeah, looks like Belle and Beast are going to have a dance.

Chip: Aww, that’s sweet! Why didn’t anyone tell me?

Sora: I have no idea. *goes back out and checks out the rest of the castle* Well we can’t go into the East Wing for some reason, but, yep, the rest of the castle is as infested with Heartless as we expected. AND BACK TO BEAST. *goes back down to talk to the Beast*

Duckmin: For some reason I believe you to be mad about something.

Beast: Well you’re kind of interrupting a moment here.

Sora: Look, we have absolutely no leads on the Planet That Never Was, so we kind of have no choice but to re-check every single planet we’ve already been on for any clues whatsoever. We already ran into a dude called Xigbar in China, and I just noticed that we never really followed up on that which is weird, so now we’re in France to see if you guys have anything. I mean we know Xaldin keeps coming here, you know? Maybe we can get something from him or at least murder him or something, Iunno.

Beast: Yeah, but did it have to be today?

Belle: *comes down the stairs* YO, TITLE SONG, LET’S DO THIS SHIT.

Sora: …Vaguely remember her coming from the other side of the stairs in the movie, but who cares, she looks gorgeous.

Beast: Hey yeah, now that I think about it, this is not where the ballroom’s supposed to be…eh, fuck it.

Belle: YAY DANCE TIME! *curtsies as Beast bows and leads her into the ballroom*

Sora: Why isn’t there music playing. Mrs. Potts should be singing right now. Why isn’t she singing right now.

Goofy: Fuck that, we really shouldn’t have come here at this moment.

Duckmin: It wouldn’t have happened until the precise moment we arrived here and you know it. *runs up the stairs*

Sora: Oh for fuck’s sake. *runs after Duckmin with Goofy*

Chandelier and gorgeously modeled ceiling: IS THIS NOT PERFECT apart from the fact that there’s no music, where is the music.

Beauty and the Beast: *stand in the middle of the dance floor*

Lumiere: Okay, if Mrs. Potts can get into position, we can begin the most iconic dance number in Disney animated history—

Goofy: Sorry for intruding!

Lumiere: …Oh no, please, interrupt what’s supposed to be the most beautiful sequence anyone will ever see.

Xaldin: Oh, don’t mind if I do.

Beauty and the Beast: Oh great.

Sora: He’s up there!

Xaldin: *is on the upper level* Seriously, how can there be windows right here when it’s supposed to be connected with the rest of the castle, especially since there was walls and a door here in Days, what the shit.

Sora: You’re not Riku either, are you.

Xaldin: How very perceptive.

Duckmin: Get down here so we can finish you off!

Beast: I second this notion!

Belle: Damn it, this is presumably the second time!

Xaldin: *summons a bunch of Dragoons*

Beast: Yeah no. *thwacks them all away*

Xaldin: I’ve come to prove that there is nothing that you possess that I cannot take away.

Beast: I roar at your face.

Xaldin: Ah, yes. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus! Makes you stronger. *Disapparates*

Sora: Oh good, now to kill everything.

Beast: For some reason I have spontaneously changed out of my good clothes and back into my dumb cape thing. *helps them slaughter everything*

Sora: Shit, where’s Belle and the others?

Belle: Hid outside again, everyone’s with me, don’t worry.

Sora: Well that’s good.

Goofy: Yes, none of the people Beast owns got taken!

Belle: …Do you even listen to yourself?

Goofy: Nope! A-hyuk!

Beast: …Oh shit, he may have taken an actual thing I own. *runs out of the room*

Sora: What’s with him?

Belle: I have a vague clue. *runs after him*

Sora: What’s with her?

Goofy: Do you think Beast owns any material possessions he’s actually fond of or something?

Duckmin: …Conglaturations on going back to being the stupid one, you know that he does!

Cogsworth: Oh, this is just awful! I believe the master is heading to his chamber.

Sora: We’ll go right up there in a second.

Chip: What’s going on? Should we chase after Belle, too?

Sora: Probably not.

Mrs. Potts: I’ve never seen the master in such a temper. When the man in black said “something you hold very dear,” he couldn’t have meant…

Sora: I have the same feeling.

Lumiere: So, those things that attacked us were just a diversion?

Sora: Looks like. Guys, I wanna check on Belle first, Beast can take care of himself, you know? *goes up to Belle’s room*

Wardrobe: I’m afraid Belle isn’t here. Judging by her clothes, I doubt she went outside. Why don’t you try the mater’s room?

Sora: I will do that, I guess. *goes to Beast’s room*

Beast: *is pacing and slamming the floor over and over again*

Belle: WOW I feel overdressed now. Still, what’s up, you feeling okay?

Beast: …OBVIOUSLY FUCKING NOT?!

Belle: Hey, how ‘bout you calm your tits and talk to me.

Beast: HEY HOW ‘BOUT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE. SOMETIMES ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, BELLE, AND okay I kind of blame myself for not putting some kind of guard around the rose ever but I STILL BLAME YOU FOR THROWING THAT DANCE PARTY SO I WASN’T WATCHING IT SO IT WAS TOTALLY STOLEN.

Sora: I agree, calm your tits and at least tell us why you’re so pissed, specifically.

Beast: Do you see a floating red rose in a glass case anywhere in this room anymore?

Sora: Well it wasn’t in the parlor, which is where it was when we came here last time which also made no sense, so did you put it in another room again for no reason or did Xaldin take it?

Belle: …Why am I just assuming that it’s just some silly old flower you like, I figured out for myself that this was an enchanted castle and the rose itself is always glowy and floating which can’t be normal so I must know that it’s enchanted as well even though I’m not sure as to its purpose. Why the fuck is this game so insistent on turning its female characters into idiotic people who act totally contrary to how they were originally written.

Beast: Yeah seriously, what the shit. Though if I wasn’t in a rage I’d tell you that the rose is tied to the enchantment that you already know about even if I didn’t tell you how it was connected which I kind of can’t for reasons anyway.

Sora: *runs in front of Belle* Okay, I am seriously worried that you’re going to attack her. Back. Off.

Beast: …Oh fuck you, you’re probably totally right.

Belle: I don’t know why I’m apologizing but I’m apologizing. If I was written by my original writers, and not like an apologetic victim of domestic abuse that has been conditioned to believe that her partner's actions caused in anger are her fault and not theirs, I would never be apologizing.

Sora: Yeah seriously, stop apologizing.

Belle: Guys, I’m sorry. Wait, no I’m not. Fuck yourselves.

Beast: …Belle, Sora, and also your friends I guess…I want you to leave the castle.

Belle: What?

Beast: I release you. You are no longer my prisoner.

Belle: You mean…I’m free?

Beast: Yes.

Belle: …What prompted the sudden change of heart, I don’t even know whether or not my father’s dying or lost or whatever.

Beast: I’m kind of a monster, in case you haven’t noticed.

Belle: Well aside from the growling you’re not really any different from many, many other very large muscular men out there. The only difference is you actually fucking appreciate me as a person.

Beast: Yeah no, remember that time I took a swipe at you and you thankfully moved and I completely fucking destroyed the cabinet that was directly behind you? Still haven’t forgiven myself for that and still kind of worried it’ll happen again. Since I don’t want that to happen again, everyone should probably just leave now. Except my servants because they legit don’t have anywhere else to go. So…Yeah. Leave.

Belle: …Why am I not pleased about this since it means I can return to my father.

Goofy: Yeah, uh, I think he means it, and we should probably get off this planet.

Sora: Or we could stick around in complete defiance of his wishes because this is pretty stupid. *sees Belle start to leave* Hey, if we get the rose back, he’ll probably change his mind.

Belle: No, I really do wanna check up on my father so I’m leaving no problem. *leaves*

Mrs. Potts: *is waiting outside* …That happened.

Belle: Hi bye. *leaves the West Wing entirely*

Cogsworth: Okay what the shit just happened.

Lumiere: And this was gonna be the highlight of the movie…

Mrs. Potts: Hey, you don’t see me crying about not being able to sing, do you? Get over yourselves while these guys work on getting the rose back.

Sora: …You told me about the rose, why the fuck am I confused as to its importance.

Cogsworth: Do I have to fucking repeat myself?! *gets into narration voice again* The rose [the enchantress] had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until [the prince’s] twenty-first year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her/their love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken.

Lumiere: But yeah, the Beast has been taking care of it for so long that it’s truly his most cherished material possession, so…

Mrs. Potts: You can understand why he’s pissed that it’s missing.

Sora: Yes, yes I can. Don’t worry, we’ll get it back by the end of this section.

Mrs. Potts: Awesome.

Sora: But we should probably have Beast help us, make him feel useful and possibly less guilty for whatever.

Duckmin and Goofy: Makes sense.

Chip: Why did the master yell at Belle? Would you mind asking him that for me?

Sora: Or I could tell you right now.

Chip: Okay, that works too I guess.

Sora: It’s called displaced anger. You’re angry at someone or at something but that person or thing isn’t around for you to be angry at, so you take it out on something that is still around for you to be angry at. In this case, your master was angry at Xaldin but Belle was in the room so he yelled at her instead.

Chip: …So it’s like when Mama scolds me really badly for saying something in a tone I didn’t even mean to use but then says she’s sorry and it was because Cogsworth and Lumiere were being annoying?

Sora: It’s exactly like that.

Chip: Wow, I didn’t know there was a name for it! Thanks, I’m learning so much today!

Sora: No prob, kid.

Lumiere: The master can be a bit…how shall I say…overdramatic sometimes. Would you mind speaking with him for us, please?

Sora: Sure, just gimme a second.

Cogsworth: Just when I thought the curse might be lifted, this has to happen!

Mrs. Potts: I’m sure those two will be fine, but still I worry…

Sora: I’m gonna gain a little more experience, gimme a minute. *goes around killing shit and eventually heads back down to the parlor* HOW DID ALL OF YOU GET DOWN THERE.

Mrs. Potts: Oh my. What a terrible turn of events. And Belle was so looking forward to today’s dance…

Cogsworth: I’m sure the master regrets what he said. Please, help him recover the rose.

Lumiere: Without that rose, neither the master nor any of us can ever become human again. Pleas, steal back our only hope from that man!

Sora: One sec, I forgot to check on Belle. *goes up to check on Belle*

Wardrobe: So that’s what happened. I expected something was wrong by the look of Belle. I hate to drag you into this even more than you already clearly volunteered for, but could you please talk to the master?

Sora: On it.

Belle: Why…Why did this have to happen?

Sora: Because the entire Organization is a massive bag of dicks. *goes back to Beast’s room* HOLY BALLS I JUST NOTICED MARLUXIA’S ABSENT SILHOUETTE IN THE CORNER THERE. HE WAS THE FINAL BOSS OF COM SO I’M JUST GONNA LEAVE THAT ALONE FOR A GOOD LONG-ASS TIME. Anyway, Beasty-boy, we need to talk.

Beast: I present to you the edge of my dick. Please fuck off from it.

Sora: Enh…Nah. Where’s the guy we met at Hollow Bastion? The badass we loved ‘cause he was a huge badass? The first and only guy Duckmin didn’t mind being replaced by? It was hype as fuck and we loved fighting alongside you every step of the way! And now with your limit break you’re even more of a badass! So why are you just moping in your room now? Both Belle and the rose are your only hopes of breaking the spell, aren’t they? Well guess what: You’re not the only person in this castle who was affected. And, this is kind of important, especially according to the manga version: They don’t blame you for what happened to them. They only blame the enchantress for affecting innocent people. They’re all relying on you to break the spell and they have faith that you can get the job done.

Beast: …Can we kill Xaldin?

Sora: Of-fucking-course! I never liked that fucking guy!

Duckmin: We kind of just met him.

Sora: And I haven’t liked him since we met him! Oooh, Rumbling Rose, Imma use this one, actually. Wha…Chip? What the fuck are you doing here?

Chip: I wasn’t supposed to, but I kind of snuck along. I’m glad the master’s better. Now if you’ll just talk to Belle, I’m sure they’ll get back together again.

Sora: Sure, I’ll head over there right now. *goes to the entrance hall*

Xaldin: Up here. *is standing on a small balcony with the rose in hand* And here I thought you’d just mope in your room for the rest of your life.

Sora: Hey, tell me all your evil plans!

Xaldin: No, I don’t think I will.

Sora: I implore you to reconsider.

Xaldin: Hmm. Okay! We want Kingdom Hearts.

Sora: What for?

Xaldin: …Didn’t Saïx already go through this with you? *takes his hood off and shakes his dread locks out of his purple-eyed side-burned face* Frankly I don’t really want to become burdened with the emotions a heart provides anymore — one of the reasons I got rid of it in the first place — but apparently I actually kind of need it for shit and harvesting literally thousands of organs is evidently the only way to go about getting six new ones. Who knew.

Duckmin and Goofy: Yeah that doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever.

Xaldin: But yeah, considering we used to be thirteen and we’re now down to six, we need Beast’s Heartless so the Keyblade wielder can collect his heart and we need his Nobody to help refill the ranks.

Sora: So you can re-harvest organs so he can regain his heart?

Xaldin: Exactly! *summons a shitton of Dragoons*

Sora: You make me sad. *slaughters all of them*

Xaldin: *jumps down* It is you who is sad. *leaves the castle*

Beast: We have to go after him!

Sora: Hang on, we don’t know how long he was in here! We need to check on the others, especially Belle, that was our original objective and I say we stick with it.

Beast: …Fine, whatever, just handle it quickly.

Sora: You got it. *enters the parlor*

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my. I appear to be repeating my limited NPC dialogue. Please ignore me.

Sora: Okay.

Chip: That man who ran out to the garden looked pretty tough. Will you be okay? Well, I guess if you acted tough, you might be able to scare him.

Sora: What scares me is how you got down here so quickly.

Lumiere: Without that rose, neither the master wait I already said this too. IGNORE ME!

Cogsworth: That man in black ran out into the garden. Please, prepare yourselves for anything, and above all, be careful!

Sora: That’s nice, but our previous goal was to get Beast to talk to Belle so let’s do that first. *goes up to Belle’s room* Dude Dragoons everywhere up in this bitch.

Wardrobe: Belle’s been this way for far too long. There’s nothing I can do to cheer her up, though…

Beast: Belle…

Goofy: Wow, I’ve never seen this happen before. The dev team really does think of everything.

Wardrobe: She’s been like this for hours. Maybe if you came right here instead of leveling up for so long.

Sora: I NEEDED TO BE SIXTY-FIVE, THIS GUY IS THAT ONE BOSS FOR ME, LET ME DO MY JOB.

Beast: I’m sorry.

Belle: *may or may not be asleep or something*

Sora: Belle, the Beast is going to get the thing that you should have figured out is the root of the enchantment of this castle because you are indeed smart enough to have figured that out. It’ll turn out all right in the end, you’ll see.

Beast: No, Belle has suffered enough on my acco—

Duckmin: You shut the fuck up right now. First we defeat the boss, then you two actually talk like people.

Belle: Apparently I really was awake the whole time. And if you wouldn’t mind leaving me alone I guess, honestly I’d be sad I had to leave but if this was still what it was actually supposed to be I’d be excited to see my father again so what the shit.

Wardrobe: Now that you mention it, I saw a man dressed in black outside the window. Right outside the window, right over there. He may have been heading to the garden. And nothing else.

Sora: …Has that window always been revealed like that, I feel like there was a curtain over it up till now.

Beast: Okay, we’ve encountered a section of the game that may be new to Final Mix or may just be a dialogue option we’ve never seen before because we always just go straight to Xaldin. Now can we please go straight to Xaldin?!

Sora: Huh? Oh yeah, prolonging the inevitable, should probably stop doing that… *goes outside the castle*

Goofy: Hey, Belle’s on that balcony over there. I feel like that’s the balcony that the movie ended on and I feel like that should be Beast’s room, not Belle’s.

Belle: WHY THE FUCK AM I THIS DEPRESSED, I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER OR NOT MY FATHER’S STILL ALIVE, I SHOULD BE LEAVING AND SEARCHING FOR HIM RIGHT THE SHIT NOW.

Goofy: You know we can hear you, right?

Belle: Ah shit, I can’t deal with this now…Aaaaand the rose is right the fuck next to me, of course it is, why wouldn’t it be. *picks it up* HEY LOSERS! I FOUND A THING!

Beast: W-Whoa, that sure is a thing you found!

Xaldin: And now I’ll take both these things. *claps a hand over Belle’s mouth and jumps right to the next area that we haven’t been in yet*

Beast: OKAY, BOSS FIGHT TIME, LET’S GO. *breaks open the door to the bridge where Xaldin has Belle and the rose in his arms* GET OUT OF MY CASTLE NOW!

Xaldin: …I am out of your castle. If you want me off your planet, I can certainly do that too…but it’s such a struggle to carry two things at once. Which object would you prefer I take?

Beast: Jesus Christ, even I’m not that possessive, and most of my servants are furniture.

Xaldin: *shakes Belle* Dude, dump this bitch, get some Clorox and some gloves.

Belle: Yeah, you know what, fuck this noise. *elbows Xaldin in the gut, grabs the rose, and runs the fuck away*

Sora: It’s official: You are now the most capable Disney Princess sans Moana, who will probably be ruined in time if she is ever included in this series. That is how pessimistic Mulan's second half has made me.

Belle: I suppose I can live with that title. *runs back to the castle with the biggest shit eating grin on her face*

Beast: *takes a huge swipe at Xaldin, who dodges surprisingly gracefully*

Xaldin: I’ve just noticed that I almost float to the ground and therefore fall more slowly than anything else. Probably because I’m basically a fucking airbender. *summons six twisters out of the ground that crackle with purple lightning and fade to reveal six lances which he grabs three of while the other three float around him*

Sora: So you’re an airbender, Axel’s a firebender, Demyx was a waterbender…Who’s the earthbender?

Xaldin: The late Lexaeus, and I suppose Larxene was also a firebender and Vexen a waterbender since they dealt with lightning and ice respectively. Also check it, there’s a puzzle piece right behind me.

Sora: Surprisingly, not the thing I’m most interested in at the moment.

Xaldin: *lashes out with his spears*

Sora:OW?! *does the reaction command Learn so he can jump on Xaldin for quite a bit of damage*

Xaldin: You shouldn’t have gotten so close, methinks. *starts crackling with sexual energy and hits Sora several times in the face*

Sora: Holy balls you’re strong. All of the crap baskets.

Xaldin: Oh, you say that too.

Sora: Why does everyone react that way whenever I say that?*shoots Thundara at Xaldin from a distance*

Xaldin: Oh I’m pretty sure you know why. *forms a dragon-like thing with his lances that float around the bridge and shoot a continuous blast of air at Sora, Beast, and Goofy*

Sora: Shit shit shit, I didn’t want to die this soon!

Mickey: DUDE SUMMON ME I GOT THIS.

Sora: Hang on, I have to check to see if this affects the “beat the game without using a continue” trophy.

Mickey: …Yeah, about that…

Sora: *searches through every trophy list and FAQ on the internet* …There is no such trophy for this game.

Mickey: Nope. Any other KH game you’d be right, but not this one. Sole exception aside from all the others.

Sora: …I lost like six hours reloading the game during the Halloween Town segment when I was desperate to level up.

Mickey: I know, I kind of wanted to tell you to stop that.

Sora: …You fight for me for a while, I kind of need to cry.

Mickey: You died with honor.

Sora: No I didn't.

Mickey: I think you did.

Sora: I didn’t die worth shit.

Mickey: Fine, I'll fight him, whatever. *kicks so much ass so easily* And you got a trophy for summoning me, how cool is that?

Sora: Tag me in, I need to hit something. *gets brought back to life and wails on Xaldin some more*

Xaldin: THAT ONE BOSS, BITCHES! *defeats Sora again*

Mickey: …Wait, you can summon me more than once? Cool! *beats up Xaldin some more before letting Sora back in* So, don't get hit at all, and always hit him.

Sora: Okay. OH RIGHT BEAST AND I HAVE A LIMIT BREAK I FORGOT. *uses it and defeats Xaldin*

Xaldin: …Crap baskets. *lands with his lances forming a perfect circle around him, dissolving ironically into light as Xaldin himself dissolves into darkness*

Sora: They really do say that too, huh…Still, he won’t be missed nearly as much as Demyx, I don’t think. Also cool, another Secret Ansem Report that I’m still not gonna read yet.

Belle: *is waiting back inside the castle grounds for them* Here, I got your obviously enchanted flower that’s probably connected to the enchantment placed on the castle back for you.

Beast: *takes it* Belle…

Belle: I know, you want me to leave. And I’m cool with that.

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, Lumiere, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, and Chip: Hoo boy…

Beast: …I wanted you to leave because Xaldin threatened your safety. He’s dead now and I’m pretty sure no one else is gonna do that apart from Gaston should he ever come looking for you and aside from the Nobodies and Heartless that are still occupying the castle.

Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, Lumiere, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, and Chip: Oh yeah, those things are still around, aren’t they.

Beast: And that was so sick, the way you elbowed him in the stomach like that and just took the decision right out of my paws!

Belle: I know, right? I enjoyed saving myself, it was fun!

Beast: …Listen, Belle…

Belle: Yo?

Beast: *gets all flustered*

Sora: JUST FUCK ALREADY!

Lumiere: Please?

Duckmin: We’re all kind of expecting it.

Mrs. Potts: It’s been a fucking year, in the movie it was only a few days so this is getting ridiculous.

Cogsworth: Suave, gentile…

Goofy: WE DO IT!

Beast: …Belle, I’d like to give you the option I should’ve given you in the first place. I want you to be free to choose whether or not you want to stay or leave. While I’d like you to stay with us, you are free to leave whenever you wish. You are still no longer my prisoner, but if you want to stick around regardless, you are free to do that as well.

Belle: *smiles brightly and gets her and Beast into a dancing position* I’m going to leave for a few days to look after my father and maybe bring him back here, but regardless I’ll come right back after I check on him.

Beast: Okay, there’s a mirror I can let you borrow that’ll help you to see exactly where he is and what he’s doing.

Belle: …Have you been using that to spy on people?

Beast: Hey, it’s my only window to the outside world. And yes. And yes I did spy on you once but it was right when we first got here and you only said that you didn’t want anything to do with me and then I immediately put it back down.

Belle: Okay, thanks for being honest, and thank you for letting me use it.

Beast: It’s the least I can do.

Lumiere: Well now that we’re back on track with the actual plot of the movie albeit with some major revisions, let’s cue the fucking movie soundtrack already!

Beauty and the Beast pop version: *starts playing the karaoke track in the background as the actual Beauty and the Beast have a dance outside underneath the stars*

Sora: I know I should be quiet during this really touching moment that isn’t quite the original but still doesn’t entirely suck, but dude how badass was Belle when she grabbed that rose and elbowed Xaldin in the gut.

Duckmin: You can’t trust a girl unless she can bury her heel into your chest cavity.

Sora: Dude, stop it, you’re getting me all hot and bothered over here.

Duckmin:That’s what I’m here for.

Goofy: How is she a more capable Disney princess than Mulan.

Lumiere: I don’t consider Mulan a princess.

Mrs. Potts: She still counts, though, just not as a Princess of Light in this universe somehow.

Cogsworth: And yet Alice does. I will never understand that.

Sora: Okay, now everyone shut up and watch the pretty scene with the actual movie soundtrack even if Mrs. Potts isn’t singing it right now.

Beast’s Castle title card: This is legitimately sweet. Though I could be biased because it’s still the best Disney animated classic ever created.

Sora: *after being kicked off the planet* Oh cool, Olympus is opened up again.

Chip: I just noticed there are two characters with my name in this game, hope that never got confusing. But anyway, something’s struggling to come through over here.

Dale: I disagree.

Chip: But look, there’s even an outline of a new planet behind Twilight Town, and it’s fucking huge!

Dale: While there haven’t really been any bugs or glitches aside from occasional shitty AI in any of these games, I’m still inclined to think that it’s just a programming mistake.

Chip: You’re gonna eat so much shit later…

Goofy: We’re not gonna go back and level up some more, are we?

Sora: I am so fucking burnt out right now, not to mentioned still a little disheartened by the whole “continue” thing, so let’s just progress through shit and maybe pick up a level or two on the way, fuck it.

Duckmin: Okay, but you still forgot that puzzle piece back at Beast’s Castle.

Sora: So I did. *goes back and grabs it* Oh, neat, there are still Dragoons all over the place! YAY ITEM GATHERING! *grabs all of the Dense Shards*

Mrs. Potts: Thanks to you, the master and Belle are on good terms again. You have done so much for us. Thank you.

Lumiere: It would be wonderful if we could set up another nice evening, seeing how we were so rudely interrupted before. Perhaps an elegant dinner is in order? That would help the mood.

Cogsworth: Oh, Lumiere doesn’t take anything seriously! If the spell is lifted, then I will really put him to work.

Chip: You’re traveling to all sorts of places, aren’t you, Sora? I wanna hear about all your adventures sometime, okay?

Sora: Sure, no problem! *goes up and checks on Belle since Beast is still in the party*

Wardrobe: I’d like to return to my former appearance. Although, to tell you the truth, I have kind of taken a liking to my current look!

Belle: *is packing so she can track down her father* I’m sure we’ll be able to put this whole affair behind us soon enough. Sure, it was scary at the time, but I’ll be fine so long as there’s someone who I can trust…like absolutely everyone in this castle…

Sora: I know, right?

~And then the end of the movie happened while Sora was off fighting the final boss because fuck you.~

Chapter Text

~BOY, BET NONE OF YOU EXPECTED THIS SHIT!~

Duckmin: Okay, time to head to Olympus—

Sora: Nope.

Duckmin: …Why the fuck not.

Sora: Port Royal has a lower battle level.

Goofy: Huh, so it does. I agree, let’s go there first.

Duckmin: You just wanna hang out with pirates again.

Sora: And you don’t?!

~And finally, we get all the Organization members out here in the open.~

Luxord: *heads towards the cursed chest of gold and stares menacingly down at it* I wonder if the fact that I’m the least-remembered Organization member is due to me being the last to be revealed or because my gimmick’s so stupid and forgettable that no one really gives a shit.

~Probably a little of column A and a little of column B.~

Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy: *land in Port Royal and hear screaming and shit*

Goofy: Considering the town’s the only thing in this area, I say we check out the town.

Sora: Capital idea, old sport! *runs into town and sees Jack getting attacked by cursed pirates* What the shit, Captain Jack?!

Captain Jack Sparrow: No idea, just fucking help me already!

Sora: Now is that any way to treat a member of your crew?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh believe me, I’ve said worse to better.

Sora: I believe you. *helps him kill the undead pirates* Seriously, though, why the balls did you guys and your clones re-steal the treasure, I thought the main goal of the movie was to break the curse.

Cursed pirates: We really have no fucking idea, this part kind of makes no sense. *die*

Sora: So at least it’s not one of the sequels but still, what the shit’s going on here, I thought we took care of this plot point.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Maybe someone heard about it, forced the pirates to take the treasure under less-than-honest pretenses, and is holding them in thrall with the promise to re-break the curse as long as they do as they’re told?

Duckmin: You sure that wasn’t you?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Do I look like I’m a rotting skeleton right now?!

Sora: No, but we all know that there’s a skeleton inside you. Right now. So how do we know that we can trust you?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Me, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly.

Elizabeth: WHY AM I STILL IN THIS FUCKING DRESS AND CORSET AND WHY AM I RUNNING IN SAID CORSET.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth! *turns to Sora, Duckmin, and Goofy* Hide the rum.

Elizabeth: Oh fuck off, I need you to do something for me. In case you haven’t noticed, a bunch of pirates are running around while cursed again.

Captain Jack Sparrow: We did notice.

Elizabeth: Well, Will took the Interceptor, somehow sailing it on his own, to find out why, but he hasn’t come back from the Isla de Muerta yet. It’s been hours, we have to go check up on him!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Or we could trust that he’ll get the job done on his own. And if you really have so little faith in him, go get him yourself.

Elizabeth: Dude I’m not nearly as awesome as I am in the movies.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You’re not really all that awesome there, either, until you’re handed a couple of swords and are suddenly fighting like you’ve been doing it all your life because the script for the second movie told you to. Try that again, see if it works.

Sora: Yeah no, Belle may have restored some hope, but after what happened to Mulan I’m not taking any chances when it comes to female characters.

Elizabeth: Neither did Will apparently, he forced me to stay behind while he went on ahead. But fuck that and fuck him, I’m going after him.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You’ll still have to do it alone, love. I see no profit in it for me.

Elizabeth: My father will continue to pardon you for all the shit you’ve done?

Captain Jack Sparrow: That’ll do.

Elizabeth: Please, let’s hurry after Will’s ship. I fear for him…

Goofy: Elizabeth is so worried. We’d better find Will soon.

Duckmin: I can’t believe Will went back to the Isla de Muerta! What’s the big deal?!

Sora: No idea, let’s find out. *gets on the Black Pearl*

Elizabeth: *is down in the captain’s quarters* How could Will have gone to the Isla de Muerta all by himself?! Oh, I hope he’s all right…

Sora: Yeah, yeah. *talks to Jack to get the plot moving*

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hey, handle these Heartless and pirates for me while I steer the ship, yeah?

Sora: I would if you weren’t in the party, Duckmin can handle the helm I guess.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Why isn’t he in the party anymore, you used to love his Curas.

Sora: Yeah but Goofy has an extra Lucky Lucky ability and we’ve been running into a surprising amount of Nobodies lately, to the point where both Duckmin and Goofy have Nobody weapons that the things are just dropping fucking everywhere.

Captain Jack Sparrow: That is pretty useful, I admit.

Goofy: INTERCEPTOR OFF THE STARBOARD BOW!

Elizabeth: I’m surprised you even know these terms.

Sora: Heh, fun fact, you saying, “Lower the anchor on the right side. On the starboard side!” in the movie is actually how I learned port from starboard.

Will: That’s nice. I’m unconscious.

Elizabeth: Oh great!

Captain Jack Sparrow: *would have taken his hat off and held it to his chest if he had a hat*

Elizabeth: Oh fuck off.

Captain Jack Sparrow: How shall I fuck off, O Lass?

Sora: Just help us get him on board already.

Elizabeth: Will! With the power of jump cuts, you’re already aboard the Black Pearl again! Now wake your shit! *slaps him repeatedly*

Will: Ow, woman, Christ!

Elizabeth: What the fuck happened to you?

Will: Well, we were checking out the Isla de Muerta, and we noticed that the chest with the medallions is kind of fucking gone. And apparently I didn’t come here alone, though whether I came out here with pirates or actual proper British dudes is anyone’s guess, considering they’re all dead now and none of you will ever see the bodies.

Sora: If you were anyone else I’d say you took them all out and injured yourself to make it look like you were attacked.

Will: No really, it was a guy in a black hood.

Sora: Oh cool, wonder if I can take out another Organization member out this quickly, that would be neat.

Will: The dude sent a bunch of monsters after us and everything. I’m not talking pirates or Heartless, either, I’m talking silver and vaguely pink-ish creatures.

Elizabeth: Well that’s certainly something.

Will: Mm-hmm. I’m gonna pass out again now. Bye. *passes out again*

Elizabeth: That’s fair enough, I suppose. *has him lean against the wall*

Sora: OKAY, LET’S GO KILL DUDES!

Elizabeth: You might want to head back to Hollow Bastion for more Ethers and Hi-Potions first, since apparently you can’t buy those anywhere else.

Sora: Yeah, it’s pretty annoying.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah, or we could, you know, not do any of that. I’m going to set a heading for Port Royal.

Elizabeth: And you wondered why your former crew turned mutinous.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I know, it’s so weird!

Elizabeth: Oy vey.

Will: Where did those monsters come from? There may be more of them nearby. Sorry, everyone, but I need some rest. Do be careful.

Sora: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

Elizabeth: Jack’s acting as strange as ever, but at least Will’s safe. Still, for some reason I feel uneasy…

Sora: Probably because there’s an army of undead pirates out and about yet again.

Elizabeth: Nah, that can’t be the reason.

Goofy: So Organization XIII is now in this world, huh? They must be up to no good.

Sora: HA.

Goofy: What?

Sora: Nuthin’.

Goofy: …We better be on our guard.

Sora: So CONSTANT VIGILANCE?

Goofy: Indeed.

Sora: HA.

Goofy: What is with you?!

Duckmin: Jack doesn’t want to help. Still, we can’t just ignore Organization XIII and we need a ship to travel on.

Sora: Good thing the Interceptor’s docked right next to us, isn’t it.

Duckmin: Oh yeah…

Captain Jack Sparrow: I don’t want to hear about any monsters or curses. I’m taking this ship out, so hurry to your posts. * leads the way to above deck* …Okay, you’re new.

Luxord: …How did you know there was someone here, I didn’t even Apparate in yet. At most you should’ve just seen the chest and questioned that. *Apparates in*

Sora: Well if it’s not Riku this time either, we are totally gonna kick his ass!

Luxord: Gimme a moment to monologue first. So greed is a form of darkness, I guess, in that it can take over the heart or whatever. And I suppose this Grim Reaper Heartless — and yes, it is really called that — is an amalgamation of that greed in the hearts of the pirates I have working for me. Or something. I wonder, if a Nobody was a side effect of this Heartless, would they be worthy to fill our ranks or would they just be another drone?

Sora: Shut up, Luxord. You think you’re so good ‘cause you’re British. It only makes you sound smart and handsome.

Duckmin: How the fuck do you know all these people’s names?!

Luxord: It certainly is a conundrum, isn’t it. *Disapparates*

Sora: *kills Heartless* …Okay that was pathetically easy. Maybe I am overleveled for this shit.

Duckmin: Wait, it’s not dead, apparently we just knocked it into the water.

Sora: Shut up, the Organization member’s spontaneously back now.

Luxord: *takes off his hood* I think I have more piercings that anyone else in the Organization, but they’re still only in my ears.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Throw Blondie overboard!

Luxord: Parley!

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Ah shit.

Goofy: The what now?

Captain Jack Sparrow: He wants to open a negotiation with me. And the person who activates it cannot be harmed until the parley is complete.

Sora: Says who?!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Trust me, you do not want to mess with the keeper of the code.

Sora: …Crap baskets.

Luxord: Oh, you say that too.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah that’s nice, now hurry your shit or whatever.

Luxord: Okay. Here’s a chest full of cursed gold.

Captain Jack Sparrow: So we can put it back exactly where it belongs? Fine. What do you want in exchange?

Luxord: To take four pieces with me. *grabs four pieces and hands them off to four different Gambler Nobodies that grab them and jump overboard*

Goofy: …Why aren’t you cursed right now?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Who cares, he’s dead anyway!

Luxord: So’s this cursed Heartless.

Grim Reaper Heartless: *rises up out of the water, now a skeletal undead version of its former self*

Captain Jack Sparrow: Seriously, how did we not kill that thing earlier.

Grim Reaper: *creates a wind tunnel that banishes the four of them onto the Interceptor*

Luxord: Apparently I have Gamblers manning all the cannons. Fire!

Black Pearl: *fires on the Interceptor*

Will and Elizabeth: *come running out of the cabin* …What the fuck just happened.

Interceptor: *asploads*

Luxord: Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! *sails away on the Black Pearl*

Sora: *wakes up who knows how long later on the wreckage of the Interceptor* I don’t want to go on the cart. *gets up* Damn it, Jack, did you swipe one of the medallions again?

Captain Jack Sparrow: *is now a skeleton again* I did no such thing!

Duckmin: Bull.

Captain Jack Sparrow: No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet.

Goofy: Then why are you working on your Skeleton Jack cosplay again?

Captain Jack Sparrow: I don’t know who this Skeleton Jack is, but he sounds like a guy who never listens. Also I blame the monster who attacked us I guess. Why aren’t you guys all cursed?

Duckmin: ‘Cause we’d never dream of stealing gold or treasure!

Sora and Goofy: Says you.

Duckmin: Well not cursed shit!

Goofy: That’s fair.

Sora: Still, why did Jack and those other pirates get cursed when it was Luxord who stole the medallions? The curse should only be affecting him, not anyone else, like when the monkey took that one medallion in the post-credits sequence, you know? And furthermore, if the only medallions that are missing are the four that Luxord only just took, then why were we fighting cursed pirates before Luxord took them?

Captain Jack Sparrow: I need skin again. *walks under a piece of wreckage so the moonlight isn’t hitting him anymore*

Goofy: I blame the fact that us and Luxord are all aliens from other planets.

Duckmin: I don’t even care that Jack can hear us anymore.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah I can hear you.

Sora: I’m suddenly really homesick.

Duckmin: I’m not.

Goofy: Yeah, I’d like to see my son again, but since we can literally go to Disney Castle whenever we want, I’m pretty set.

Sora: Of course you’re not. Kinda sad that we didn’t get cursed, though, I would’ve liked to see how our designs would look with our flesh rotting off.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Which is probably precisely why they threw in this loophole. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to start looking for a way off this wreckage.

Sora: Hang on, I need to grab these things that I was somehow unable to get while we were actually on the Interceptor itself. Including a map of this place because that just makes so much fucking sense.

Goofy: This seems to be where wrecked ships drift to. There may be a boat in good enough condition to use. Let’s go look.

Captain Jack Sparrow: If someone declares parley, a pirate must cease hostilities and negotiate. That’s just the way it is. Even pirates have a code.

Sora: Thought they were more like guidelines, though. Next time just hang the code and hang the rules.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hey, how ‘bout you shut your fucking face.

Duckmin: We were knocked from the Black Pearl over to the Interceptor by that Heartless.

Sora: …Thank you for summing that up…

Duckmin: If the Interceptor wasn’t so sturdy, we would have sunk before winding up here.

Sora: *leads the way through the wreckage, fighting pirates and Heartless alike*

Duckmin: Look, that new type of Nobody! It’s kind of just there and playing with a medallion!

Captain Jack Sparrow: We should probably get it, then.

Sora: *kills the Gambler with surprising ease*

Captain Jack Sparrow: *picks up the medallion* One down, three to go.

Sora: Says who?

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Says the fact that only four Nobodies ran off in different directions? Also I have fully functioning eyeballs?

Duckmin: Fully functioning enough to see the Black Pearl coming in?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh yeah, look at that.

Elizabeth: *shouting out from the deck of the ship* SOMEHOW ME AND WILL MANAGED TO SAIL THIS WHOLE SHIP ON OUR OWN!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah it’s weird how we’re all somehow able to do that without the rest of me usual crew. *climbs aboard with the others*

Elizabeth: Jack, why are you cursed again? *puts a hand on her hip* What did you do?

Captain Jack Sparrow: I blame you for dragging us out here.

Will: Don’t blame her, blame me!

Sora: Or you could blame the guy who’s actually responsible. Organization XIII is to blame for absolutely everything that’s not caused by Pete, really.

Goofy: Where’d they go, though, it’s kind of important that we find them again.

Will: That hooded guy took his lackeys into a portal of darkness.

Sora: They used a Dark Corridor, huh?

Will: …Sure. We hid in the stateroom until they left because we suck in this universe.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Probably a wise move all around.

Will: Hey Sora, wanna fight the bad guys for us again?

Sora: Sure, I’m used to solving everyone’s problems for them by now.

Will: First, let’s find all the medallions again because somehow we know that’s a thing we need to do. The curse can't be broken unless we break the curse.

Captain Jack Sparrow: That's pretty accurate.

Will: But that boss Heartless will remain invincible until we do even though the cursed pirates don’t work like that but this one does because shut up.

Goofy: The Nobodies stole four medallions in total, right?

Sora: Yes, that is exactly what Jack just finished describing to us.

Goofy: Hmm…I wonder where they could be.

Duckmin: Who knows where those guys might be? We’ll just have to look everywhere! I doubt they’ll be in town, though. So don’t fucking look there. Hmm…I wonder where we should begin.

Elizabeth: *down in the stateroom* Isla de Muerta, the ship graveyard…Those monsters seem to like creepy places. Which I am telling you solely for you to look in those two places. Personally, those places make my skin crawl! Which is why I will willingly go into insanely horrifying places in the next two movies!

Will: I can’t believe they are trying to harness the power of the Aztec gold. Those monsters, and by that I mean just that one boss Heartless, will be invincible until we return all the medallions. We’d better hurry.

Sora: Hang on, I think there are more collectibles back in the ship graveyard area thing — Oh look another Nobody! *kills the next Gambler to get another medallion* I should save and maybe get some experience while I’m here — another one? That was fast! *gets a third one* Okay, now to just go in and out…No more in this area, huh? Time to follow Elizabeth’s advice and go to the Isla de Muerta again, I guess. *goes there* BOOSH LAST ONE. Oh and we’re automatically transported back onto the Pearl, that’s nice.

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Where the fuck is the chest, I thought we got to keep that.

Will: You actually trusted that man?

Captain Jack Sparrow: He invoked the right of parley! He was supposed to honor the code!

Sora: …You’re in the moonlight, why are you not a skeleton.

Captain Jack Sparrow: …I think they legitimately forgot I was supposed to be cursed for this one scene.

Sora: Huh. Anyway, I think we should go to the town.

Will: How come?

Sora: Because the treasure horde at Isla de Muerta was already used as a boss area and there’s a place in town big enough to hold another one.

Will: Nice to see you worried about the townsfolk.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You mean the people we all know aren’t even there?

Will: Are you going to help us or not?

Captain Jack Sparrow: *heading for the helm* If it’s the only way to take this curse off me then why the fuck not.

Duckmin: I’ll bet those Heartless from before are waiting for us in town! They’re using the power of the Aztec gold, so we’ll need to rely on our magic again!

Sora: I’ve stocked up on the Ethers, don’t worry.

Goofy: Well, we have the medallions. Now all that’s left to do is return them. Organization XIII is probably in town, so I’ll be that’s where the chest is.

Sora: …Yes, that is exactly what we just finished discussing.

Elizabeth: *down in the stateroom* I’ve seen cursed pirates before, so I can kind of understand. Those members of Organization XIII aren’t really people. They’re something else, aren’t they?

Sora: Oh who even knows anymore.

Will: We have to get to Port Royal! We can’t let them run loose in town!

Sora: Yeah, yeah, we’re heading there now. *heads there now and runs into the area with Duckmin, Goofy, Jack, and Will to where the undead cursed Grim Reaper Heartless is floating over the chest*

Captain Jack Sparrow: Look, a big distracting thing! *runs and lures the Grim Reaper away*

Sora: *runs up to the chest and throws the medallions back in* Wait, don’t we need Luxord’s blood for this to work? Or at least ours or Jack’s?

Duckmin: Apparently not, they just threw all the rules out the window for this, ‘cause the Grim Reaper’s back to normal now.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I’m not!

Goofy: Because the Heartless is still alive!

Captain Jack Sparrow: That makes no sense.

Goofy: It doesn’t!

Sora: If we kill this thing, are we fucking done here?

Grim Reaper: *slams the chest and becomes cursed again by knocking medallions everywhere*

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh good, a gimmick boss fight.

Sora: *constantly uses Blizzaga on the Grim Reaper so it drops medallions, then gathers them up and puts them in the chest so it can actually be hurt by physical attacks and its health will go down*

Grim Reaper: *keeps hitting the chest and at points sucking up all the medallions so it keeps getting invincible again*

Sora: Oh for fuck’s sake, this is taking longer than I’d like it to. It would help if either of you were helping...

Duckmin: Nah, I'm too annoyed. I hate it when it only takes like ten coins and you have to wait around until the monster lets you trigger a quick time event.

Sora: Hey, I've been making ten munny on the streets for a while.

Captain Jack Sparrow: ...I don't think that came out how you wanted it to come out.

Sora: It did. *painstakingly repeats the process until it’s permanently dead*

Grim Reaper: *drops its weapon and collapses*

Sora: …We’re not gonna see it release a heart, are we? Will it ever be fucking dead?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Well something worked, I have flesh again.

Sora: Good, everything that made no sense within established continuity has been set right in a fashion that also doesn’t make sense within established continuity.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Okay, now that thing’s dissolving, look.

Luxord: Either the hearts fade into the sky and assimilate into the moon orbiting our planet, or we can just absorb them into our fucking hands and take them with us. Sure, why the fuck not. Oh, thanks for that huge heart, by the way, Sora, I really appreciate it. *Disapparates right as Sora, Duckmin, Goofy, and Jack run toward him*

Captain Jack Sparrow: Okay, who the fuck was that guy aside from a guy called Luxord.

Sora: Part of a group of organ harvesters who apparently started off with thirteen members who imaginatively called themselves Organization XIII and continue to do so despite only having…Xemnas, Xigbar, Saïx, Luxord, possibly Axel — four or five guys left. They release the monsters onto this planet, we kill the monsters so they don’t kill the residents, and they collect the remains. The more we help people, the stronger they get.

Captain Jack Sparrow: So what’re you gonna do?

Sora: We’re working on finding their home planet and killing the rest of them. We already killed five — I mean two of them, what’s four more?

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Okay, aliens are new for me.

Will: Is there any way we’ll no longer be useless?

Elizabeth: Seriously, I’m sick of being on the sidelines.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Frankly, going back to our own storylines might be a start, at least Will was an excellent swordsman and Elizabeth spontaneously turned into a total badass eventually. But in the meantime, let’s let that chest sink into the bottom of the ocean for Davey Jones and his crew to possibly pick up in the future and fuck up everything for everybody even more than they already do.

Will: We can do that. *apparently helps with that because the next shot is of the chest sinking into the bottom of the ocean*

Captain Jack Sparrow: *on the deck of the Pearl* Okay but how do we take care of these monsters while you’re gone. I mean, I apparently can, but they definitely can’t.

Elizabeth: Why do you care?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Want to narrow down the competition.

Sora: Of course you do.

Captain Jack Sparrow: What did you expect?

Elizabeth: So you have my word that Father will continue to ignore anything you do for a while longer.

Captain Jack Sparrow: That’s as may be, but I’d like something a little more physical as well.

Sora: Like?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Your blade.

Sora: Not a problem. *hands Rumbling Rose over to him*

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Okay, what’s the catch. *takes the hilt* I have touched a Keyblade, and now possess the ability to wield one.

Sora: *summons Rumbling Rose back into his own hand* Squall said the same thing, and yet he still has yet to show any signs of wielding one any time soon.

Captain Jack Sparrow: So it only works if it’s convenient to the plot, eh? Well don’t you worry, I’m gonna gather up me old crew and come to steal that permanently from you. It should work fine once you’re dead. *turns to Will and Elizabeth* And if I succeed, you two will have to join me crew so there’ll be tons of wacky forced love triangle-induced sexual tension that no one will like.

Elizabeth: Done.

Will: …I’d like to go on the record and say I’m not okay with this.

Goofy: Yeah I don’t really see Jack using the Keyblade.

Duckmin: Why not?

Goofy: This planet hasn’t even been confirmed for KHIII yet.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah I’m kind of cool with it being left out.

Sora: LET’S ALL LAUGH PAINFULLY AND FORCIBLY!

Captain Jack Sparrow, Duckmin, Goofy, Will, and Elizabeth: OKAY!

Will: Captain Jack Sparrow is without a doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.

Captain Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.

Elizabeth: That’s got to be the best pirate I’ve ever seen.

Sora: Isn't the best pirate also the worst pirate? And did he just sail off with the Pearl on his own? And why am I already pining for the sight of him again, any time we come back here he will be in the party!

Captain Jack Sparrow: HOW AM I SAILING THIS THING ON MY OWN.

Port Royal title card: Did any of this shit make any fucking sense whatsoever?!

Sora: *gets kicked off-planet again* Hey look, Agrabah and Halloween/Christmas Town are open again.

Chip: Hey look, that thing I totally told you was a thing is actually a thing again! Dale, how ‘bout you eat shit, shit eater. Why do you love the taste of poop so much in your mouth.

Dale: I will happily eat shit, but it’s still not a place we can go to yet.

Chip: Guys, keep retreading ground, you’re making shit show up more and more!

Dale: And try not to get annoyed by this shit!

Chip: We know you will, though!

Sora:

Duckmin: You wanna keep trying to get that one puzzle piece that’s still on the Pearl, don’t you.

Sora: Well unlike the one in town, it seems like one I can feasibly get to!

Duckmin: Fine, get it over with.

Sora: *goes back to Port Royal and hits the ramparts first*

Elizabeth: Despite all that’s happened, I’m still intrigued by a life on the high seas. I think I’d like to do some more traveling.

Will: I’m still going on about the skateboard.

Sora: *goes onto the Pearl and jumps like five million times in order to get the puzzle piece* Well that took five-ever.

Duckmin: Those cursed medallions sure caused us a lot of trouble! And it’s all because people try to steal treasure! Sheesh!

Sora:

Goofy: I was worried for awhile there that Duckmin might end up getting cursed by that gold. I know he’ll be mad at me for thinking that, but after all…he’s Duckmin!

Sora: Oh good, I’m not the only one. *leaves the planet again*

~This is probably the most shoddily written retread in the game I think maybe we’ll see.~

Chapter Text

~Oh hey that’s right we skipped a planet didn’t we.~

Hercules: *is wobbly standing next to Meg in the doorway of the entrance to the Underworld* Man, I remember when this used to lead to a place near Thebes…Oh hai gais.

Sora: You back to being a hero yet?

Meg: No he is not. Total lack of confidence and mounted insecurities rearing their ugly head. I think he may seriously need medication or at least therapy but Phil insists that he’ll just get over it if we yell at him to get over it loud and often enough.

Goofy: That’s not how that works, but support from friends does help.

Hades: And all it takes to get one negative comment from someone you don’t even like to bring it all crashing down again. *poofs into existence* Especially since I’ve already entered you into my Underdrome tournament and I really want you to lose horrifically. But hey, all your fans will be there! The dead ones I’ve killed over the years, of course, their corpses will be watching cheerfully. And you want to give them a sense of comfort knowing that their loved ones are so well taken care of, don’t you? *throws an arm over Hercules’s shoulder* Or you could let them down horribly when you die and join them. It’s up to you, really.

Sora: You’re enjoying yourself way too much.

Hades: *is suddenly standing in front of them at a large distance from Hercules but he’s a god so I’ll forgive this editing error* Well yeah, I mean this role’s great, and as you can see I’ll never turn down a chance to play this character. And guess what? Forget the previous two tournaments that already happened and that you passed with flying colors, this one is story related! Which means you will actually be able to collect experience points! Oh and something about only true heroes being able to win or some bullshit, whatever motivates Hercules to fight in the tournament. Oooh, I can always kidnap Meg again!

Hercules: Over my dead body.

Hades: Yeah, that’s kind of the point there, champ. *poofs away again*

Sora: …I appreciate a bad guy who doesn’t give a goddamn fuck.

Hades: Oooh, you’re just givin’ me the vapors!

Pain: I’m handing the storyline tournaments, go to Panic for the bonus side mission crap.

Goofy: The Hades Cup is conveniently a team tournament, so let’s join Hercules, because Hades was intelligent enough to let him have help even though that’s probably the opposite of what he wants. Other tournaments are also being held in the arena. We should try those, too, if we have time.

Sora: WE ALREADY DID.

Goofy: Oh yeah…

Donald: Hercules isn’t looking too good — wait, did my name change back? Did we finally become numb to the pain, 'cause that's kind of horrible in and of itself.

Sora: Well, A, we got legit complaints, we have few enough readers as it is, and I very easily succumb to peer pressure. B, the joke probably got old after like two chapters. C, you were fucking awesome in Mickey's PhilharMagic to the point that I'm actually starting to like you as a character, beyond your usefulness in these games, more from that than any Disney media I'd consumed before.

iheartmwpp: No, for real, if you're ever in Disney World I highly recommend checking it out, it was my favorite thing in the whole park. I was crying with nostalgic happiness by the end of it, it was awesome.

Donald: Aww, thanks, man! And this'll save time on editing future chapters in any case...

Sora: Oh yeah, because Find/Replace is so difficult...

Donald: We might have to help Hercules out. If you’re nervous, we can always warm up in the arena tournaments first.

Sora: NO, BECAUSE WE ALREADY DID THOSE.

Donald: Oh yeah…Did we comment on those?

Sora: Not much to comment on, I beat up Squall and Yuffie and then I beat up Cerberus again. And some Heartless. Not really a big deal.

Donald: Huh.

Meg: Hercules will never win the match in the condition he’s in now. Help Wonderboy out, please?

Hercules: I’m just worn out. I don’t think I can win the tournament like this…

Sora: Eh, might as well get re-acclimated to this planet. Also I wanna see if I can reach a few puzzle pieces I wasn’t able to reach before. *goes around collecting shit*

Hades: *is up in his room or whatever that is* Well, well, what’s the Keyblade master doing here? Shouldn’t you be helping that cowardly “Champ”?

Sora: *shrugs* The tournament doesn’t really begin until we enter it, does it? *decides to finally enter it because story progression*

Hercules: So who do we face first?

Sora: …A group of Heartless? Like always?

Goofy: This group’s calling themselves “Spin Strike.” Do we have any comment on the names of roster group things?

Sora: I know one last year was called the Marauders and I chuckled to myself, but apart from that not really. But yeah, considering you’re like the only human in this tournament, that kind of automatically makes you a huge hero if not a winner.

Hercules: But only winners can be heroes—

Sora: Tell that to the people who get hurt and/or die every day in order to save other people. They may have technically lost but only the lowest of the low would victim blame them for being killed or captured. *kills all the Heartless alongside Donald and Goofy* …Wait, were you even in that fight?

Hercules: That’s…actually kind of a good question. *checks a YouTube walkthrough* Yeah, I was there. And you asking that just proves that I’m fucking useless.

Sora: No, it shows that I’m so sick of these tournaments that I’m not even bothering to pay attention anymore. Also I just noticed that this tournament only has three rounds, that’s nice.

Meg: I’ve never seen Hercules so down. He feels personally responsible for what happened to the Coliseum.

Hercules: That was close. You and your friends saved me back there, Sora.

Goofy: Even if he’s in a slump, it’s always nice to have Hercules on our side. I’m sure he’ll snap out of it if he’s really needed.

Donald: I wonder who broke the seal to the Underworld Arena. The only one who would benefit would be Hades.

Sora: …Dude, we already kind of established that I was tricked into unlocking that shit.

Donald: Ah. Then you’re a dumbass.

Sora: It was to save Meg! As is Herc fighting in this tournament…Meg needs a lot of saving, doesn’t she?

Goofy: Yeah, but I think we’re less pissed this time since we’re up against a fucking god who has a personal vendetta against both Herc and Meg.

Sora: Probably. *talks to Pain to start the next round*

Goofy: Yeah, I’m also pretty glad that there are only two more rounds after this.

Donald: But we’re against “Bad Alert” though!

Hercules: You know which grouping of Heartless that is?

Sora: I’m only kind of worried if there are Hot Rods involved, they give me the worst trouble. Otherwise who gives a shit, we got this. *enters the next round* Oh, it’s only explody guys, this is fine, I’d actually call it easier than the last round.

Donald: You think we’ll be counted as heroes as well if we win alongside Hercules?

Goofy: Oh fuck that stupid junior heroes bullshit, we know that we saved the universe, who cares what other people think?!

Sora: That’s easier said than done, bro, sometimes actual acknowledgment of personal accomplishments can go a long way. And on the one planet where being called a hero actually matters, you’d think the fact that we literally saved the universe from imploding in on itself would count for something.

Hercules: *is collapsed on the floor* Yeah, you guys chat about how awesome you are and how much you’ve done in comparison to me, I’ll just be over here dying inside.

Donald: You do that.

Hercules: Oh look, our opponent in the finals is over there.

Sora: How did I not read that Auron was in the tournament. Also HI AURON!

Auron: I seem to have been consumed by darkness and therefore have amnesia because that’s how darkness works now I guess.

Sora: No it’s not.

Goofy: Yeah, why do you suddenly not recognize us, because I am really getting sick of this trope.

Auron: That’s nice for you, but I’m gonna kill all four of you so I can atone for any perceived sin Hades has made me believe I have. Heh, see what I did there?

Donald: Oh I get it.

Goofy: I don't get it.

Auron: Or it could be my own survivor’s guilt that I still have despite the fact that I’m dead, one of those things. *leaves*

Sora: Oh for fuck’s sake. *sees Auron go into the blue-ish door that eventually leads to Hades’s room*

Panic: Hades’s room is deep in the back of this cave.

Sora: …We know, we’ve been.

Panic: Chills run down my spine every time he calls me there!

Pain: His Most Lugubriousness never gives up. Sooner or later, he’ll get the best of Hercules.

Sora: You mean his dick?

Hercules: That was that Auron fellow you guys know, right? Strange. He didn’t seem to recognize you…

Meg: That guy went into the Cave of the Dead. Is he a friend of Hades’s?

Sora: I’d like to think not but who knows. *goes after him and immediately hides behind a cave wall, dragging Donald with him; Goofy is weirdly not in the shot*

Hades: Okay, now that you’ve successfully been placed under the Imperius Curse, say back to me what I just told you. What are you guilty of that you have to repent.

Auron: Well, it’s more the fact that I exist, if you know what I mean.

Hades: Good pull!

Sora: What the fuck is going on.

Donald: How ‘bout you shut your butt so we can find out.

Hades: Okay, so you’d think re-killing you would make you feel less guilty about existing or something, but I apparently have some form of repentance laid out for you if you’ll just do as you’re told.

Auron: Kill Hercules, I know.

Hades: And the main characters.

Auron: That wasn’t in my contract.

Hades: Well next time get it in writing instead of a verbal agreement. And now to put you under some form of Cruciatus by touching your shoulder.

Auron: I am not enjoying this.

Hades: Apparently the Greeks were into Vodou. Sure, why the fuck not. *summons a wooden statue of Auron* Kill all four of them. Got it?

Auron: Got it.

Hades: Got it sir.

Auron: There’s no need to call me “sir,” Lord Hades.

Hades: …Okay, that was pretty funny. Now get to work.

Auron: *turns around and somehow doesn’t notice Sora and Donald quickly hiding behind the cave wall*

Sora: Good thing that scene just told us how we can save Auron. *watches Hades leave*

Donald: You motherfucker. You are ALL the dicks.

Goofy: We should offer him compliments from now on in order to actually insult him.

Donald: Good idea. What a swell guy!

Goofy: Nice.

Sora: I don’t like the thought of that…excellent person controlling Auron via Vodou. I mean seriously, I thought that was a Haitian thing, not a Greek thing. We should do something.

Auron: Should I do something? *passes them without even noticing them because apparently Hades meant only in the arena*

Sora: …Okay, I guess that our next objective is to talk to him instead of going after the mind control device. Sure, why the fuck not.

Meg: That guy’s eyes were glazed over, like all he could think about was fighting. And Hercules has to face him in the final match?

Sora: We all do, yeah.

Panic: If Hercules loses, our job will be a lot easier. But if he wins…No, that won’t happen…

Sora: Yes it will.

Pain: Hercules doesn’t stand a chance against Auron the way he is now! At last, the mighty hero falls!

Hercules: Where are you going in such a hurry? Have you spoken with Auron yet?

Sora: Damn it, really wanted to do the actual smart thing, why won’t you let me leave.

Game: Press Triangle to stop Auron.

Auron: *jumps into the boat with Pain and Panic, but only when you approach him, never before, and heads to the Underdrome*

Sora: ...Well, it didn't work. We failed. That Triangle prompt lied to me!

Hercules: What’s with him?

Sora: Hades is using Haitian Vodou on Auron.

Goofy: Seriously, he’s got a doll and everything.

Hercules: Thought we were Greek. Ah well, in any case the control should break if you, Iunno, give him the statue or something.

Donald: Why would you think that would work.

Hercules: Dude I don't fucking care. It’s gotta be somewhere in the Underworld. If only we knew of a place that Hades is normally around.

Sora: GEE, IF ONLY.

Hades: Yeah, if only. Unfortunately my invisible undead crowd is demanding a show.

Hercules: That’s fine, I’m never part of their party anyway.

Hades: Hmm, the son of my hated rival getting murdered by one of the coolest and the strongest Final Fantasy characters in a huge arena observed by thousands!

Hercules: *aside to Sora* I’ll buy time while you get the Vodou doll.

Hercules: Hmm, is there a downside to this?

Sora: Dude, all self-esteem boosters aside, you kind of suck right now.

Hercules: Please, I’m not gonna die until you show up again.

Sora: This is true.

Hades: Okay, o-o-okay, okay, okay! You fight Auron. You die. They do whatever. And then they fight the winner.

Hercules: Whatever.

Hades: Awesome. *takes Hercules, Pain, and Panic across the Styx* You know, I don’t think those guys are gonna really benefit from this deal.

Sora: Okay, he’s gone, let’s go.

Meg: The way he is now, I doubt Hercules could buy you much time. Please, you have to hurry to Hades’s Chamber and get back that man’s statue!

Sora: Yeah, what did you think we were doing. *heads for Hades’s room* Boy is it weird without that Absent Silhouette there nowadays. Hey, I should kill those other ones sometime. *keeps going through the Underworld*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Hercules: Hey, I’m actually fending off Auron pretty well for not having a weapon and being weak as shit.

Hades: Boom, badda-boom boom boom! HA!

Meg and Phil: This is certainly happening.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Sora: Hey, Hades just left the Vodou doll unattended, that’s lucky—AHHH DID NOT EXPECT THE ELECTROCUTION.

Goofy: Why, what are you talking about—OH THAT ELECTROCUTION.

Donald: You guys are both in horrible pain so I guess I should do the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING AS THEM JESUS HORATIO WADSWORTH CHRIST!

An overlap of Jeckt, Braska, and Auron’s voices: *are basically a huge advertisement for one of the best parts of FFX that probably is only that because it doesn’t take up a lot of time so it only makes you curious as to their backstory* Seriously, the whole thing with Sin kind of sucks ass. Also we’re all dead, obviously, but some of us are more dead than others apparently. Hell, one of us is a giant fish monster. With a human child that doesn’t really exist. It’s weird.

Sora: …Well I just learned more about Tidus than I’m comfortable knowing, but we should probably get…Auron’s memories? I guess? Back to him or whatever.

Goofy: I didn’t realize all three of them were as dead as that.

Sora: Damn, I mean Tidus and Yuna are probably his only reasons for continuing to be unsent. Hell, I’m kind of surprised he didn’t get sent whenever Yuna actually performed the sending.

Donald: Way to spoil, like, all the things.

Sora: Dude how can you not have played every game that’s associated with this one, it’s the whole reason I played FFIX so I could see how awesome Vivi was and why I’m playing The World Ends With You before I even try KH3D.

Goofy: So why didn’t you play FFVI to find out about Setzer.

Sora: …Eh. *blinks* And now there are Nobodies. THERE AREN’T EVEN ANY ORGANIZATION MEMBERS AROUND HERE. *kills all the Dusks but sees them outside the window in a cutscene and is suddenly powerless to stop them until they get eaten by sudden Heartless that spontaneously show up* …I don’t even want to know what Pete and Maleficent are doing right now. *is automatically transported back to the entrance of the Underworld* Well that was convenient*

Goofy: If we give Auron the statue, he should get his senses back. Let’s talk to the purple fella and get back to the Underworld Arena!

Donald: Once we bring Auron back to his senses, let’s make Hades pay! If we’re going to take him on, though, we’ll need Hercules’s help.

Sora: I kind of don’t think we need it, but sure. *enters the arena somehow ‘cause I guess Pain and Panic just take the boat back as soon as they’re done dropping people off*

Hercules: *is still fighting Auron* Wait, what happened to those invisible walls, why am I about to fall off the arena. *catches Auron’s sword in his hands before it slices him in half*

Hades: Damn it, how is he still doing that?! I mean he has no more godlike strength, it can’t just be his…huge muscles that he worked relentlessly on for three years straight, huh.

Auron: This might take longer than I thought.

Sora: HEY AURON!

Donald: WE GOT YOUR VODOU DOLL!

Sora: *throws it at Auron where it explodes over his head and inserts the memories back into him or something*

Auron: …Huh. *lifts his sword away from Hercules* Okay, I forfeit, Hercules wins.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: BOOSH!

Hades: And now I’m angry. Auron, do the thing!

Auron: Hmph. You are not my supervisor.

Hades: *flames into the arena* THAT’S IT, BOSS FIGHT, LET’S GO. But first… *snaps his fingers and opens a door behind him where the green whirlpool of death is*

Meg: Shit, guys, I’ve been kidnapped again. Think he’s gonna dunk me in the whirlpool. Like, actually bodily this time.

Hades: I told you that if the match didn’t happen I’d kill her again.

Hercules: Thanks, Auron!

Auron: Hey, I didn’t know!

Hades: Too late, dead again. *snaps fingers and drops Meg*

Hercules: Damn it, not again! *dives in after her*

Hades: You’ll be dead before you can get to her. THAT’S NOT A PROBLEM, IS IT?! *closes the door behind him*

Sora: COME ON, BOSS FIGHT TIME!

Hades: Okay, sure. *Disapparates and Apparates back right behind him and turns his fire hair red WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS LESS HOT THAN BLUE FIRE*

Auron: YEAH I’M BACK IN THE PARTY.

Goofy: I’m out, you’re gonna need Donald’s magic for this probably.

Sora: Good idea. *takes a few swipes at Hades* Damn it, he’s invincible.

Donald: He usually is until a certain point when his hair turns blue again.

Auron: Yeah but this time it’s for plot reasons.

Goofy: Oh that’s just fan-tucking-fastic.

Hercules: Don’t worry, I got this. *is holding Meg bridal style while glowing*

Hades: That-That’s impossible, you can’t be alive, you’d have to be a—

Hercules: Dude we’ve fucking been through this. Which I should’ve remembered we’ve been fucking through this, frankly, since if I did then none of this huge waste of time would have happened. You’d think I’d remember how to be a true hero, all of those events are not normally something one forgets. Also Pegasus is here for some reason. *stops glowing*

Sora: That’s great, wanna help us beat up this god, Mr. Demigod?

Hercules: Sure, people always do crazy things when they’re in love and I wanna show off to Meg.

Hades: CAN WE GET FUCKING MOVING HERE?! FUCK, HOW COME VILLAINS NEVER GET HAPPY ENDINGS.

Hercules: Because I can summon energy balls that Sora can knock into you that cancels out your invulnerability.

Hades: Oh. Shit. *eventually gets all his health depleted* Aaaand now I’m falling into the green whirlpool of death again, sure, why the fuck not, this shit never gets old.

Sora: …We done, then? *gets transported back to the entrance to the Underworld* Apparently yes. Yo, Auron, what’s gonna happen now?

Auron: Well I’m gonna dissolve into pyreflies in the ending credits, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Sora: You cool with that? I can tell you where Tidus and Yuna are, though Yuna definitely seems content with her life, so…

Auron: And I’d like to continue to avoid Tidus, so I’m just gonna go this way. Uh, thanks for everything, I guess?

Sora: Don’t mention it!

Auron: Okay. *leaves*

Sora: …Well at least I got a new Keyblade out of it. Not one I’m gonna use, but still. *goes back up to Olympus* Oh hey, it’s nighttime for once, that’s neat.

Hercules: Hey, thanks for…getting Meg into a scenario where Hades would kill her so I could get my mojo back?

Donald: Yeah, this whole thing seems entirely pointless.

Goofy: Actually, it's majorly important to the plot. Like, not the plot of this game, but the overarching plot of the series.

Donald: ...How.

Sora: It's implied, I think, that KHIII is meant to start in Olympus because of this exact plot point.

Donald: ...This whole bit of badly written movie retread that isn't even a retread of the movie because the movie already happened is meant to kick off one of the most highly anticipated games of the past two decades.

Goofy: It sure is! A-hyuck!

Donald: This is stupid. And you're stupid for making me participate in it. And now I'm stupid.

Sora: Well you didn't really need any help with that—

Donald: Oh that's just—

Meg: Aww, does the widdle baby have a pwobwem with the scwipt?

Donald: You’re right! You’re not wrong! In fact you’re correct!

Hercules: So where are you going next?

Sora: Agrabah, I think? And now I’m going to make some reference to you two being a couple so you can get flustered even though Hercules just admitted to being in love with Meg and Meg never had any problems being in love with Hercules.

Hercules: Th-That doesn’t mean I like her, b-b-baka!

Meg: No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no, no.

Goofy: You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, ah-oh.

Meg: It’s too cliché, I won’t say I’m in love.

Donald: While I do like this song, I would like to leave now.

Sora: I’m down.

Phil: You assholes haven’t talked to me all level, you make it a point to talk to everyone else!

Sora: Yeah, ‘cause they actually offer dialogue and/or information and you only offer a fucking impossible without Fenrir side mission.

Hercules: Hey, can you just make them true heroes already, I can tell they’re ready.

Donald: Yes, please, do that, it’s like the only thing we really care about in terms of this planet, and not a lot at that.

Phil: Nah, you’re still not ready.

Sora: Oh, and you’re the highest authority on it, are you?!

Phil: Actually I’m not.

Donald: And who is?

Phil: Yeah, I’m out of here.

Donald: No, seriously, who do we talk to.

Meg: No one, they did the thing. Which I somehow know they did despite them not having done it yet.

Hercules: Hey yeah, that sure is a thing they haven’t done yet.

Phil: I see what you’re talking about and I am sobbing with pride despite me having done nothing but make them smash pots and sign the paperwork for the tournaments.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE CHEERING ABOUT.

Stars: *now choose to form images of Sora, Donald, and Goofy to indicate true hero status*

Sora: ...Wait, did Zeus just move a bunch of planets? When we get back to the world will everything have moved? *after getting kicked off the planet* Nope, everything's the same. Kind of disappointing...Hey, a new tournament already. *instantly goes back*

Hercules: It takes more than brute strength to become a hero. You must have a strong heart as well.

Sora: …I fucking know?

Hercules: Welp, you're gonna have to relearn it after 3D, apparently, so...

Sora: Fuckin' shit.

Meg: Wonderboy always looks better with a winning smile.

Sora: That’s nice. *goes to the Underworld and completes the Titan Cup* And we didn’t even fight any titans, only fucking Hercules at the end. And I’ve tried this three fucking times and don’t know how to get the five thousand points I need! Fuck this, I’m bored and moving on. *leaves again*

~FUCKING HATE THE TOURNAMENTS.~

Chapter Text

~Hey I should probably finish watching Return of Jafar…Nah.~

Red smoke: *crackles with sexual energy as it fills the dungeon*

Peddler: *with a black lamp on the ground next to him* Maaaaaybe this wasn’t the best idea after all…

Iago: The hell is going on down here — Oh shit.

Jafar: *emerges in full giant genie form* TEN THOUSAND YEARS’LL GIVE YOU SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK! Also I do believe it’s time to torture people.

Peddler: Oh great.

Iago: Please, you weren’t in there for nearly that long…Should not have given myself away like that…

~Honestly, I expected this to be the first half and for Iago shenanigans to be the second half.~

Peddler: I could’ve wished for a palace of my own…but instead I just wanted a better, shinier shop filled with shit that can easily be stolen since I’m just one guy and will never be able to trust guards not to steal all my shit. Unless everything’s equipped with an Anti-Theft Charm or something but I somehow doubt I thought of that. Eh, could’ve been my second wish, I guess, though I shudder to think of what my third wish was.

Sora: Good thing we beamed in as he was looking at that trophy we got him and not us.

Donald: THIS PLACE IS SHINY I WANT THE WHOLE STORE.

Peddler: You got the cash for it?

Donald: You take munny?!

Sora: Fuck off, Donald.

Peddler: Is there anything you’d like to buy?

Sora: Plenty, and I’ll get it all from that Moogle over in the corner. Frankly I don’t really trust your merchandise to not have been stolen or gotten in some other illegal fashion.

Peddler: Why would you accuse me of such a horrible thing?!

Sora: Aside from the fact that we blatantly stole a trophy for you?

Peddler: …Okay, I’ll give you that one, but everything else was done completely honestly, I assure you!

Goofy: Did your second wish demand for some kind of alarm system or something, ‘cause I can’t see much of this staying in the shop should you ever leave it for any reason.

Peddler: Well a lot of it’s leprechaun gold, so if anyone steals the smaller stuff they’ll immediately lose it anyway.

Sora: That’s actually pretty clever. But have you seen anyone in a black cloak around here?

Peddler: No, I don’t think anyone from the Organization’ll ever show up on this planet, anymore anyway.

Sora: Well it didn’t hurt to