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can i lay by your side, next to you?

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         The moon and the stars are nothing without Hunchul beside him. Siyoung stares at the night sky, and he wants to cry like the pathetic loser he is. He can feel tears start to form. He misses Hunchul. He misses the idiot’s stupid smile. (Hunchul’s smile made him smile.) The younger male had a certain presence about him that made Siyoung feel feel safe and secure. And right now he needs that more than anything.

         Yes, the younger male is only one call away, but Hunchul is in a different country, different time zone, hours away from him. He feels stupid right now. It’s only been two days since Hunchul left, and he feels so vulnerable. He knows that he shouldn’t feel this way, but he does and it makes him feel empty. (He misses the way the younger male would take him by the hand and drag him to the center of the living room and slow dance with him.) Siyoung takes off his glasses and wipes away the tears. The apartment feels so fucking empty without the taller male. There’s so much space, and Siyoung feels so small.

         The first day was okay, he busied himself with work and tried to forget that Hunchul was even gone. But when he went to sleep, the bed felt empty and everything else did. He felt empty. A piece of him was missing and it hurts. The second day was much worse. Today, he tried to busy himself, but nothing was getting done. He met up with some friends, but it didn’t make him feel better.

        He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He feels so stupid, depending on Hunchul. He pulls out his phone and dials a number that he knows by heart. He doesn’t press the call button. He wants to. He needs to, but he doesn’t want to wake up Hunchul. (He misses the way Hunchul would say his name so softly. The younger male would card his fingers through Siyoung’s hair and tell him how safe he is in his arms.) He presses the call button.

“Hello?” Hunchul questions.

“Did I wake you up?” he asks.

“Would you hang up if I said you did?” the younger asks.

“Maybe,” he says.

“Then, no you didn't wake me up. Why? What’s wrong?” the taller asks.

        Siyoung wants to say that nothing is wrong, but in reality there is nothing wrong. He’s not hurt, nothing bad has happened. It’s just that he misses Hunchul and it is overwhelming. He wants to tell him how the bed feels so empty, how small he feels inside the apartment, and how much he wants to be in Hunchul’s arms. He wants to tell the younger male all of this, but he can’t.

“Nothing is wrong,” he lies.

“Something is wrong,” Hunchul say softly.

“It’s fine,” he lies again.

“Siyoung,” the younger says softly.

          He can feel the tears start to fall again. He starts to sob. He feels so pathetic. Promises that he made with Hunchul were broken already. Hunchul told him not to cry, not to feel bad because he’ll be back before he knows it. But Siyoung broke his side of the promise. “Siyoung,” Hunchul whispers. Siyoung misses him so much. He misses the way Hunchul would run his fingers along Siyoung’s arms while they are cuddle on the couch. He misses the kisses, the hugs, and the nights where they just stay in and watch movies.

“I just miss you,” he chokes out.

         Siyoung hates the fact that Hunchul can break down his walls. He hates the fact Hunchul knows that something is wrong, even when he tries to tell him that nothing is wrong. The younger male knows that something is wrong when he doesn’t even say anything. Hunchul has always known Siyoung better than to believe that nothing is wrong, and Siyoung doesn’t like it.

“I miss you too,” Hunchul says.

“I’m sorry for breaking the promises,” he says.

“No, it’s okay. You can make it up when I get home. And I’ll be home as soon as possible,” the younger replies.

“I feel so pathetic for calling you knowing that you have a busy week,” Siyoung says.

“You aren’t. You missed me. Close your eyes,” the taller says.

“Why?” he asks.

“Just do it. I’m right here, holding you tightly. You’re in my arms. You are safe and secure. I’m right here with you,” the younger male explains.

        Siyoung wants him to be here in person rather than miles away. He wants the younger male to hold him in his arms and tell him how safe he is, how everything is going to be okay. In the end, he knows that he’s not going to get that, until Hunchul’s business trip is over. He’ll take what he gets because it’s better than nothing.

        He knows that when Hunchul gets back everything will be back to normal. Hunchul would take him by the hand and slow dance with him in the middle of the apartment. They would take baths together and Hunchul would wash his hair. They would cuddle on the couch and watch b rated movies. Siyoung would kisses Hunchul on the jaw and then everything would get heated and lead to the bedroom. It would be like the younger was never gone in the first place. He feel safe and secure again. He feel better once he’s in Hunchul’s arms.