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Who The Fuck Voted for Goofy

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Characters: Oh (Home), Goofy
Location: The White House
Scenario: Fighting Godzilla

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.



It was hot, sweat dripping down the strange bulb at the top of his head and into his eyes. Taking one of his ears into his hand, Goofy dabbed silently at his face before replacing his palm on his rifle, which had been held at the ready for hours. He was a sniper on his final tour of duty before retiring from the military, waiting for the ultimate catch.

Osama Bin Laden stepped out from one of the compound buildings, and Goofy narrowed his eyes.

"There ya are, you son of a bitch," he muttered under his breath, and pulled the trigger.

"Then BOOM!" the frantic voice of his Secretary of State broke through Goofy's thoughts, bringing him back to the White House. The dog brought his eyes to meet those of his shapeless purple friend. "We are currently in possession of a lot of trouble, Mr. President!"

The ground had been rumbling almost constantly in DC since the appearance of something so outlandish that even an animal president with a cartoon cabinet couldn't believe--Godzilla. Each footstep rattled the walls and in turn the alient Oh, who was prattling on about what had been done to the city. But Goofy was beyond being shaken, having had a long and decorated career in the Navy. It was how he was elected with an overwhelming majority.

"Just take a deep breath, Oh," Goofy said, placing a large, gloved hand on the desk in front of him. "Where is the creature located now?"

"Our most recent reports have him at the Lincoln Logs Memorial," Oh said frantically, showing his ignorance of American history. The voters weren't thrilled by his decision to appoint a foreign Secretary of State, but the way he handled the Gorg situation was enough to convince Goofy that he was a good choice.

"And what exactly are our options here, Oh?" Goofy said, rising to his feet to glance out the window. Flames tickled the horizon. The door to the Oval Office opened, allowing a few more members of his staff inside.

"Bullets have proven to be ineffective," Oh said, panic causing his voice to crack. "I could perhaps retrofit some of our vehicles with something stronger, but the time it would take for me to do that might result in our spending thousands of lives."

"If I may," Secretary of Defense Ash Ketchum stepped forward, his sharp suit a stark contrast to the familiar ball cap hiding his 20-year case of hat hair. "If my experience as a Pokemon master--"

"We all know you were never a master, Ketchum," Goofy chided. "You kept giving away your pokemon, don't fucking lie to make yourself sound better."

Ash cleared his throat, continuing. "If my experience as a Pokemon trainer speaks for anything here, I think we're dealing with a Fossil-type Pokemon here, most likely water-based since he spent so much time in the ocean."

"You are saying you may know of a spot where he is weak?" Oh asked hopefullly, and Ash nodded.

"I think if we get Pikachu out there, we may just stand a chance."

Goofy's face clouded at the suggestion. "Are we sure that's wise? He's non-combatant. Hasn't been in the field for years. Can he handle something like this?"

"Let me out there, Goof," Pete chimed in, already dressed in military fatigues. The dog's neighbor was one that Goofy butted heads with often, but like the old saying went--keep your friends close and your annoying neighbors closer. "Don't call Pikachu out of retirement. I think I've got something that can handle him."

Goofy crossed to his frenemy, placing a hand on his thick shoulder. Bringing black eyes to meet black, a moment of silence passed between them as Goofy nodded slowly. Pete had hammer space that could compete with no one else on Earth. If anyone stood a chance... it was Pete. And if Pete died, well... At least Goofy wouldn't have to put up with him anymore.

"Godspeed, Pete," Goofy said, and Pete gave a quick salute before heading out the door. "Godspeed."