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SpongeXan and other YAHFs for the heck of it

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Who lives in a pineapple?..

My idea: on Halloween 2,3 or more people become characters either from one show or from one line of work. One of Them Xander, as making him suffer is one of my favorite pastimes. Onehots so far. Usually proximity to the bust is the reason of having too much of the ‘costume’ left.

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor any other show used.

The Sponge, the Squid and the Squirrel

In the beginning, all of it happened because of a mistake on Xander’s part. He mentioned Giles when they were shopping for Halloween. Even if it was Snyder’s fault they had to wear child-friendly costumes that evening. Or perhaps it was all Murphy’s fault as the TV show that appeared in 1999 in our reality, was aired more than three years earlier in the world Scooby gang inhabited. Perhaps, what happened might be partially considered Giles’ fault, as he agreed to keep embarrassing though thankfully totally identity concealing costumes in the library, adding Hellish emanations to the already unstable chaotic magic ready to be unleashed…

They might also fault Buffy-wart for breaking the bust when everyone was pretty close by. If they really wanted to get swatted on the head by the giant Tentacle with the Slayer level strength, that is.

“Good Lord!” – it seemed Giles just could not stop himself. He kept polishing his glasses furiously, unable to formulate anything remotely cognizant. Well, in his defense, it was completely justified.

“It’s not as bad as it looks, really…” – said Xander, trying to placate the man. – “We’re still more human-shaped than Patrick Star, aka Larry and Plankton Snyder… and ain’t it ironic, Plankton Snyder…”

“Dear Lord!”

“Talk about yourself, “not-so-square-pants-Spongebob”! I thought my life was bad being the Slayer, but this… this is beyond ridiculous! I cannot go home looking like a Monster from the Lagoon or whatever it is! I can’t go live in the sea because though I remember the freaking sea from Spongebob’s freaky show, we don’t have anything remotely similar in our world; and NO shoes I’ve bought are going to fit me! And I cannot even find a clarinet to play because this stupid school has none. And let’s not forget that I cannot go home because Mom does not know anything about supernatural and I’ve got nowhere else to go, and I shall starve on the streets… unless I eat demons of course and they are yucky and I’ll never be able to get a date, and even Angel, hell, even Harmony cannot be enough into that freaky Japanese porn to ever try anything with me”.

“But at least now Wills knows karate and kicks ass. And I’d like to see a vamp trying to drain me”.

“Heh, I guess he’ll be more likely to wipe the floor with you…” – The half-smile Buffy had on her face was not all that inspired, but it was there nonetheless.

“Yea… Hey!”

Rupert Giles, Watcher and Council representative on the Hellmouth felt a headache coming with plans of setting shop and already vying for extensions of assets. The Sponge man from the table across of him was staring at him unblinkingly. With the undeniably terrifying shiny eyes. And… unless he was mistaken, there were STARS in them. There was also his Slayer’s figure, looking like one of the Old Ones and complaining more than any of the old crones he’d ever met. Willow seemed almost normal though red hair now covered more than top of her scalp. She also seemed to be holding the white-red underwater gear a bit too tight. And twitching. And erupting into even faster babble-phrases than before.

That was it! He procrastinated long enough, it was time to stop Ethan once and for all.

“I guess the only way we might get information about the spell is right from the source. Time for some Ethan-hunting!” – malicious intent in the room spiked up considerably. Miles away, a certain chaos mage felt like his grave had just gotten stepped on. By something with too much feet and even more teeth. And a collection of ritual daggers labeled “for especially painful ritualistic murder and outdoors fun” in the pocket with Ethan’s name on each item. Hmm, perhaps it was time to skip America altogether…



Characters: Buffy – Squidwart, Xander – Spongebob Squarepants, Willow – Sandy Squirrel, Larry – Patrick Star and Snyder – Plankton .

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Disclaimer: I’m lazy – check out first chapter

What’s in the skullmask?..

“Hey, Xan, whatcha doing?” – It was asked with a bit of valid trepidation, as his attire was… worrysome.

“Nothing, really. You know, relaxing, reminiscing.” – he winced, as he considered the vocabulary used. Just peachy with the side of keen and a “busted” on the top.

“Really? And this lovely black robe is a meditative aid, no doubt. And the golden skull mask is a… hmm, I guess a movie prop you stole?” – Buffy was not buying it. It was difficult for him to lie to her and Willow, doubly so after Halloween. They were now even more precious to him, if that was even possible. As if one Lils was not enough. Well, to be honest, after she died, after years spent without her, only watching her eyes on a hated rival’s face, she could do whatever she wanted. Double, triple, quadruple, take over the world, even destroy all Twinkies – and believe it, she tried – well, he would take living Lilly over anything she might cause.

“Who was it this time, Sev?” – she asked, and he could not make himself refuse. And she knew he would not do anything without due provocation, but, well, some things were just unforgiveable.

“Ju… Juxian Tang and Amanuensis” – the bastards – or bitches, as the case might be, totally deserved it.

“You should stop that, really. I mean, yes, fanfiction IS hell when you experience it, but you don’t see me and Willow torturing and obliviating authors.”

“Buffy, despite how… incredible you are, Lilly was never a majorly popular character – at least, not overtly so. And if there were stories starring her, even the bad ones, well, she was never the killer, the rapist, though I guess there was a percentage of mindless slavery gigs… but that is not the point. You know your fanfiction better than I do. But Snape… he always was and still is one of the main fafictious human shaped spittoons and dildos, being a murderer, a rapist, a victim, a maniac – and on Halloween I became all of them, with cannon bastard being my lifeline… well, that is not a basis of a healthy existence there. Thankfully, I have you and Wills, even if a part of you hates me for what the real me had never done to you and your – and sometimes my – son.”

“What did they do?” – maybe, just this once, she’d let it go.

“Stories of Voldemort winning and turning Hogwarts in a giant rape camp… of me, and sometimes Lucius raping Harry…” – her grip on his hand became crashing and her eyes hateful. They were silent for several minutes. Then she let go of his hand.

As she was leaving, she hugged him from behind and whispered into his ear seductively: “Next time you go after the bastards, count me in”.

Then she was at the door, and he heard “Hurt my son, will they…” just as she left. For some reason, he was uncomfortably reminded of the times Lilly was Voldemort’s daughter. Well, they brought it on themselves. Whether their ramblings created the worlds where he was… unsavory character, whether they just were unlucky enough to pluck it from the interdimensional noosphere, the fanfiction authors were in for big changes… Perhaps, fatally so…


A.N. As I was reading The iron Tau-ri once, an idea sprang into my mind: what if victim of the Ethan Rayne’s Halloween spell had gotten not only the memories of the character they dressed as, but also of all of his fanfiction versions (with main one acting as the core personality, otherwise we’d just get the mightiest MPD case ever)? Well, I say – REVENGE.


Xander – Cannon-and-fannon!Snape, Willow – Cannon Lilly, Buffy – Cannon-and-fannon!Lilly. Why that way: I can imagine Willow meticulously choosing her costume, making it every bit cannon compliant, Buffy and Xander seem much less likely to do so.

Chapter Text

Disclaimer: one in the first chapter applies.

What an a-hole! Now starring…

“Xander, Jono, stop it this instant! They are just kids in costumes!” – when that did not seem to deter the two figures before her, she’d taken a closer look at the pair. They reminded her of something… of some mem – or a video she watched not long ago… The feeling of dread in her stomach grew as a flick of Xander’s wrist called the money out of the kid demon’s pocket. The pint-sized thing roared incredulously, as it was thrown in a ditch. Two guys high-fived each other and proceeded to leave, totally ignoring the gawking ghost.

“Well, then… I just have to find Buffy. She’ll know what to do”. For some reason, the headache Willow seemed to get after seeing Xander and Jono intensified when she tried to remember what Buffy went as… It was some kind of ninja nurse, as the Shop proprietor had claimed… no way it could turn out as unpleasant as the a-holes Xander and Jono dressed as.


Sad as it was, Willow’s hopes were completely unfounded. As Tsunade downed bottle after bottle of whatever caught her fancy at Willy’s fine establishment, casually sending the tenth demon into the wall with the flick of her finger, she had the feeling that something was amiss.

“Whatever, let Shizune worry about it!” – was all she said as she proceeded to get drunk. She felt some movement on the left and flicked her pinky in the direction of that movement. Eleventh demon crashed into the wall. Funny thing is, somehow Tsunade chose a place to sit which whoever wanted to leave the bar – whether by sewers or by door – had to cross at some point…


Meanwhile, a demented laughter sounded in a deserted alley just as a pair of Vampires was swallowed by white light. As a figure had bent and taken a red-and white ball, demented laughter escaped again “heh-heh-heee….Bwah-hah-ha-haaaa! Catch them all!..” And again…


Willow was downright annoyed. A lot of time had passed, yet she had not found Buffy, and both Xander and Jono – or whatever they had become today – were missing ever since she’d seen them rob a child demon. And then there was a creepy little asshole talking about “catching them all”, whom she had to talk out of catching the kid demons. And he seemed furious finding out they’d turn to human children soon, letting more than ten of them out of his creepy ball things – she shuddered to think what could have happened to them once the spell ended. Her theories involved a lot of gore.

Well, at least he was proven somewhat useful when a vampire attacked, and kid had let one of his own out in order to battle it. Honestly, Willow expected the kid to turn into snack. Strangely, the vampire out of the ball promised to do whatever they wanted to not be put back in and managed to dust both the attacker and himself in a conveniently hanging branch. He seemed almost deliriously happy to do so. The kid cursed for about a minute, muttering about ungrateful Pokemons offing themselves.

Finally, kid – and one of his captive vamps – helped out Cordelia, who remained strangely unaffected by the spell, prompting Willow to guessing the establishment where they acquired their costumes might be at fault for everything. That led to separation as a local friendly ghost went on to get the help of one Rupert Giles, the librarian, just as the little creepy bastard and his pet vamp #2 went snooping around the shop, taking Cordelia Chase with them as a guide.

Humorously enough, it was then that two guys, who amused themselves by chopping down power lines and throwing cars at demons and the like, decided to rob a certain costume shop, accidentally shooting the proprietor with a blaster conveniently found on the countertop. Strangely, drunk Tsunade who had not so long ago emerged from the ruins of the stupid drinking establishment with no sake on the menu, had chosen that moment to stumble into the shop with the idea of using the loo. Only a timely intervention by one Cordelia Chase had stopped a three-way-war ready to erupt.

The creepy kid had just put an owner into one of his balls, telling everyone he’d get healed inside, when the two would-be robbers decided to juggle the bust of mystical roman deity Janus – not that a single one of them nightly visitors cared. As a sudden sound of the door opened by one Rupert Giles surprised them, the bust was dropped on the floor and shattered, thus ending the spell.

“Buffy? What the hell are you wearing? E-eer… and is that gin… vodka, vermut, absinthe and tequila I am smelling?” asked one really worried librarian.

“It wa-asn’t me! It was cos… he-he… the cos-hic!-tume lady… Stupid spell… pretty co-ooolou-uurs”... That was all the Slayer had managed to say before the amount of alcohol drunk by a sertain medic finally caught up to her.

“God, that was intense!” – Giles was looking ready to faint.

“Dawn? Why are you wearing a boy’s basketball uniform? And is there a vampire right behind you?” – perhaps, it was the shock talking, but Giles did not notice a slip-up to supposedly-unaware-of-the-supernatural-Buffy’s-sister. It did not matter though, because the girl in question eeped and jumped to the side. However, when she noticed who the librarian was talking to, she relaxed.

“Oh, do not woory about him…” – Giles seemed to be taken aback.

“What do you mean? It could attack at any moment..” – his shock only deepened as Dawn’s face seemed to grow almost… menacing, while vampire landed on his knees and started begging the Mistress not to send him back into the hurting Light.

“Then you will not try to attack, will you, pet? And no snacking unless allowed?”

“Yes, mistress, anything, mistress, even the sun better than the ball!”

“And don’t you dare try to run away. Once touched by my light, you are mine!” – hint of craziness in her eyes and the earlier dialogue did nothing to dissuade Giles’ fears.

“Ow, what hit me?..” Giles was suddenly relived to get possible help in apprehending sudden vampire dominatrix “…and why do I feel the urge to chop down powerlines, make kids fight for money with the deadly implements and show off my sword in the public places”… and just that suddenly, Giles was even more worried than before.



Okay, unfinished, unrefined. This ficlet is what if several people dressed as characters who are a-holes in my view. Well, Ash Ketchum might seem unbalanced, but so would you be, if you have been “gentled”. And if you take away their “it’s just a cartoon” excuse, guys in Pokemon seem like right bastards. Also, just you know, organizing animal fighting ring is a punishable offence in most countries.

Well, there are also many different Halloweens with Dawn in the cast, so I thought I'd try my hand at it...


Characters: Xander and Jono – Jedi A-holes (check it out on youtube), Buffy – Tsunade, Dawn – Ash Ketchum with a nervous breakdown…

Chapter Text

Disclaimer: as always, not present with the ownage) (in bastardized Buffy-speak)


Xander peered at Buffy once again, like hoping she was going to disappear if he stared long enough.

“So you decided to stop even pretending being subtle?” – God, how she tested his control over his emotions!

“Well, what crawled up your ass and died, sugarbaby? I remember ya telling me you preferred your women in spandex?” –He fought the sudden urge to grind his teeth.

“It seems that my wishes changed…” – not that new Buffy wasn’t hot in some ways, not at all. But seriously, it seemed she decided to become the Master of Inappropriate Getup and Inappropriate Commentary (and Everything inappropriate, come to think of it) in the group instead of him.

“Oh really? You’re more into poor widdle kittens now, heh? Meow-meow, Ow, Wow?” – Well, Buffy’s quip-fu was growing by leaps and bounds, even if the crudeness of her comments raised tenfold. He chose to ignore her commentary, all the while wondering if growing tension between him and Cordelia were all that noticeable. Sometimes being trained to notice emotional displays was not a blessing at all… On the other hand, he could notice a shop assistant planning to give him less change a mile away.

“I got the weaponry from Wills. She’d made herself a big fire thrower with a tankload of fuel for the next night, by the way. And she seemed oddly peeved I was in my Tetragrammaton robes too. Just what kind of the engineer girl she went as?”

”Trust me, knowing my Birdie, you don’t wanna know. And seriously, don’t you have any… less confining getup? I mean, I give you eyecandy all the time, and Angel’s no fun at all lately – it’s like he was afraid after my knifeplay proposal… I mean, seriously, I thought it was all rage even with the romantic vampguys, and now all he does is avoiding me and staring at me while he thinks I sleep! And you’ve come from all wanting a piece of Buffburger with the side of Willows and a Cordy topping are all for the silent closet romance and flowers, no action till we’re both gray or dust… and I’m almost ready to believe you’ve gone all “no sex out of wedlock” too”…

“That’s not it” – he ground out, exasperatedly. In some ways, being a cleric for an oppressive government was useful, giving him skills needed for fighting the dark. On the other hand, it made him practically an expert in hiding and repressing emotions – and that repression went so far he did not even know what he felt sometimes. Like the times he watched Buffy and Wills playing the friendship charade, while discovering much further territories away from their friends and Buffy’s Watcher. Or when he noticed the whole “accidental brushing” thing Larry was playing at with him. Or noticing Cordy’s dilated pupils while arguing with him. Considering he now was a pretty hormonal teenager, locking away his feelings seemed the only way to keep a clear head on the Hellmouth… on the other hand, he started noticing a pattern lately: whenever sexual tension was involved, more monsters tended to appear. Seriously, Buffy/Willow pairing on the patrol bagged at least twice as much fledges than usual. So, perhaps he should find himself a partner in crime, too? On the other hand, the way his tastes ran just now, he was pretty sure he’d tick the best with either Joyce Summers or his arts teach, and he did not see them giving him a chance till he was not only at least of age, but preferably ten-twenty years older.

“Earth to Xander! Earth to Xander!” – noticing he was finally paying some attention to her, she pounced “So, where are the prezzies? My pretty, pretty guns and ultramodern stakes? And is my tank ready yet?”

But he definitely was taking Buffy off the “to do” list. Seriously, for some reason she just kept rubbing him wrong.

“Wills made us two blasters, but I’m not totally sure they’ll work anyway… Here’s a wooden mace, though, the wooden boomerang, and a bow with wooden arrows.”

“Whaddabout you, lover? Gonna tetragrammaton-shoot ‘em or gonna go tetracycle them to death by exhaustion?” – he was seriously considering just shooting her then and there. Seriously, it was like she was trying to make him realize Vice-Counsel DuPont had some point. Yes, she was just that aggravating. He really hoped she and Willow found a boytoy to play with soon. Maybe some sex would wear her out?


A.N. By the way, did you know that Urban dictionary defines tetragrammaton cleric as "An ultra sexy person with an ultra sexy fighting ability?"


Okay, the theme is postapocaliptic worlds. The cast is: Buffy = The Tank Girl (from the movie, as I haven’t read the comics), Willow – The Bird, her engineer/fellow prisoner friend, Xander – Tetragrammaton Cleric John Preston from the movie Equilibrium. I can just envision the tension appearing between the cultured semi-inemotional cleric and the crude girl full of fighting spirit.

Chapter Text

He was relaxing in the middle of the crowd, happy to be finally free of the dull not-a-world the damned Kettarian Hunter had thrown him in, when something lurched. Suddenly, his surroundings were a bit more dreary, filled with the monsters wrapped around the children, submerging them within the animalistic creatures’ minds. It was not acceptable, and only the urgent familiarity of the world around him, fearful of his emerging nature, prohibited his sudden wish to crash it all to smitherness. He had a taste for destroying worlds, after all. And he was not Max, with his willingness to stay ‘good’ to everyone. This town was getting on his nerves, and usually he killed and destroyed – or shared a drink with and laughed – for a lot less. Hmm, perhaps it was Max’s fault. After all, he promised not to wreck any world Max knew, and this world bore a bit of a faded mark. Maybe his rescuer sleepwalked these streets.
A small demon tried to bite him, and he put it out of misery, ignoring the incessant sobbing of a child, finally free from its “guest’s” nature. Perhaps he should go kill some monsters preying on the young ones’ souls. Max would never protest that, and this crowd was definitely not lively enough to satisfy his need for companionship. And let’s not forget the stupidity permeating the night. It itched in his destructive instincts more than anything else.
So, he went around, killing the demons in children’s heads, the demons who wore their own bodies, and a particularly irritating shopkeeper cackling to himself, and more. He killed and was happy, until the moment he was suddenly no longer Loyso Pondoh’wa, but Xander Harris, who retched till there was nothing left in his stomach.

“He’s too quiet, Buffy, especially since he’d been taken for questioning in Larry’s murder.”
“I know, Will, I know… It’s just… I do NOT want to come any closer to him! I don’t know why, but I just cannot!”
“When he comes closer, I want to run and hide too… But we have to at least talk. It’s what friends do”.

“You see, Warren, in my old days, you would be dead for being as you are and afraid – or for being too brave for your own good, or for breathing wrong, perhaps. But, you see, I am not the man I were yet. Maybe I will be, mayhaps not. But I have an Order to organize, and, well, a part of me is feeling particularly lazy about it. This world needs a bit of chaos and order, and a lot of wanton destruction. You crave power, which I might share. Disobey me, and I’ll find another helper. More… shall we say, lively?”
Terror and excitement permeated Warren’s being as he gazed upon his new Master, his greedy eyes seeing enough of his true nature to be killed should Xander realize the extent of his vision. He already began to plan – he knew Andrew and his jerkward of a brother Tucker might join, and Jono, and several more candidates might have to wait till he educated his fellows… He was giddy with expectations: perhaps’ they’d get some king of Girls attracting powers? God knows, Xander seemed to have it in spades, especially lately.

“Your soul suffers the burdens of the demon’s doing, yet you do nothing to rectify situation… I find it wasteful. Therefore, I think I’ll give it a try another way”.
An undead kitten’s eyes burned with thirst for vengeance, as it sped into the night. It did not remember much – only Buffy, Xander’s eyes and its unquenchable fury towards undead and anyone feasting on the innocents. Cats are in some ways simpler than humans. And Stephen King’s stories laid a way for its existence. So, it was rather quick matter to change forms. Ferocious monster, unseen by all but its victims, just as the cats usually are, Angel sped into the night to finally begin his redemption by the means of a literal bloodbath. Well, blood has got to be paid for by blood, as far as ancient magics go.

“Hey buddy, the higher ups…” – was about as far as Whistler got, till he was no more. Xander grinned, as he felt the faint buzz of the newly gotten Powers’ power. He definitely needed more of it, and the usual demons had been becoming dull as of late. If he was not half sure his “father” had already reached the pinnacle of his evolution, he’d go try to destroy several of the Ukumbian Novels’ Worlds. Still, more likely than not they were long gone, especially considering how often his subconscious mind had taken to taunting him lately, sounding more Loyso-like with each passing moment.
Perhaps, killing some of these Powers would provide a necessary counterweight to becoming his progenitor. Maybe, it would even save his girls some grief later on. His heart silently twisted, when he remembered them, but he knew his nature nowadays was that of a loner. That was the path of Power and Death, which both Grandmasters of the Order of the Water Crow followed. He did not want to slip, and give one of his friends a “lesson” as he did to the mongrel calling himself his father. He was unpredictable, after all. Somewhat crazy too. He still cherished memory of his Elder Master Tucker Wells as the guys’ heart was obliterated from his chest. Well, that was what you get for forgetting to thread carefully and not getting children hurt. The Xander part of him was just as vindictive as the Loyso part on some topics. Even if he was really as whole as they come.

The Oracle looked into the future and screamed.

Buffy was cautious as a nervously a paranoid twit of a woman begged her to call the Old ones to Earth. Buffy’s eyelid was twitching all the way. The nerve of her!
Then suddenly, a bunch of half transparent crows descended unto the dangerous nut, and started pecking at her flesh, causing her to dissolve into the light, which attempted to flee, crows chasing after it, making the lightshow worthy of the Independence Day all the while.
In the shadows, Warren grinned to himself. That was the perfect idea. The Old ones, residing in Hell. He did not like the way their Master had been staring at everyone lately… Perhaps, he needed a vacation… a long-term vacation. And Warren knew just the place now… The crazy Power Woman was right, the Old Ones might distract Xander from their realm for a while. They were great, powerful and deadly, and their destruction might take away some of the tension he had shown nowadays…
And perhaps he could manipulate the Slayer team into destroying the Hellmouth – Warren was practically sure he got the spell right. To end the Hellmouth and… well, not end, he knew Master was too powerful to end – so, perhaps to cool Xander off a bit, while having a world as a plaything – what could be a better idea?


A/N: Maybe I’ll write more afterwards. Loyso is quite a difficult man to grasp, after all. In here, Xander dressed as one of the most infamous Order Grandmasters from Chronicles of the Echo series. He was a controversial man, killing his students to educate them in the matter of life and death, “creating” – or, perhaps, bringing into existence his “children” – no mother present, and having an incredible taste for chaos and destruction, even driving his power from it, being a brutally honest person ready for anything for power – just to have it, no other goals needed. In the last Echo book I read, he helped destroy thousands of the Ukumbian and Klakk Novels’ Worlds (accidentally created as means of debate against writing stupid novels in world of Echo, these worlds signified the end of fiction, as they sprang into existence every time the fictionous piece of literature was written after the accident; these worlds contained nothing more than unlively mostly unaware characters, locked in the endless ring of repeating their dialogues). After so much destruction he got so much power he became “death, life and everything in between”, as the main character describes it. Here, Xander dressed as Loyso just before his anti-literature crusade.
Kettary Hunter was the nickname of sir Max's (series protagonist) mentor, sir Juffin Halley, in the Orders' times. He killed many of the Grandmasters and Masters during Order Wars, but found Loyso too much of a miracle creature to destroy and instead locked him in the desolate dimension with practically nothing more, created specifically to contain him. Later, sir Max met him and helped him escape.

By the rate Xander is going and considering the amount of megapowerful demons coming to SunnyD every once in a while, I’m sure by the time Glory appears, she’d be one more tasty treat to him… Or perhaps, if he’s locked in the hell dimensions, Buffy shall die, and world shall become much more deserted place afterwards… ideas, ideas…

Also, I was thinking about making one of the other evil geeks going as a Mad Fisher and other as Juffin Hally or Sir Max, and trying to organize their own micro-order afterwards... And maybe Willow as Lady Sotofa... though that isn't actually all that necessary... And of course, Warren shall betray Xander in the end... which just might prove to be a good thing

Chapter Text

Disclaimer. If I owned Buffy, I wouldn’t bother with fanfiction. I’d be too busy screwing the cannon. So, this is just a bit of harmless fun – unless we Do create worlds with every story we create.

Long while he spent, numbly watching his teeth. And his frigging ponytail was incredibly irritating. But for some reason he could not bring himself to just cut it off. It was a reminder of Her: his Love, his Princess and then his Mother and Queen. She liked making ridiculous things with his hair – braiding it, making ponytails, the creepy supercomplicated hairdos only she could undo as a part of her “I’m your mother, not lover” powerplay…

He sharply clenched his teeth. He had to return to the present moment, not dwell on the dreams of nonexistent reality. He was here, now and a vampire. Granted, his wish for some blood was less than he expected and he seemed to be breathing, but he still could not believe he managed to land himself into this situation. Maybe, he’d done something terrible in his past life?

He could not fathom now why he decided to believe that the shop proprietor was not a creep hell bent to screw his life over. The man was acting all nice and welcoming, for Chrissake!

One does not survive on the Hellmouth being nice unless it’s a way to mask being a monster in a human guise.

Ethan gave Xander a real sword pretending it was a fake instead of the toy riffle he broke when Xander bumped into him. And then asked to come to the shop just before closing, telling he might have some leftover costumes to borrow for the night. And then Xander just had to screw himself over and agree.

It was noticeable at the beginning. He’d gotten a bit faster, a bit more resilient – albeit not exceedingly so. Humanlike, not monster-like. And boy, had his memory gotten better! He sometimes felt he could recite any book he read. Word for word.

He could also remember the other branch of magic – the runes, the spells of the saint magic he and Phelios had to learn. And he felt a smug satisfaction of being better at that sort of magic than his nemesis’ reincarnation.

He had to guess though. The magic was not of of this world. It worked well enough on the vampires and demons. The more it worked, the more he changed. Till he was creating a distraction for the frigging Judge, and the big blue bastich had gotten his hands on the most usual Scooby.

They blew up Judge, of course. Xander’s hypnosis has kicked in sometimes before that exact confrontation – and it had gotten him inside the Sunnydale Armory as easy as a sneeze. The rocket launcher had gotten the Megasmurf all in the right frame of mind – splattered all over the mall, that is.

But he kept hold on Xander for too long. The humanity was being burned out of him, true, and it hurt like hell. Had there been only one – “human” – template in his aura, he’d have been doomed. But there was much more there. The leftover Hyena spirit had provided fuel for the already slowly happening change.

So, he got a frigging friendly stalkerish creepy neighborhood vamp makeover. Long hair – check, vamp teeth – check, gameface – not as such. One point to the “generally relieving” part of the scale. Well, the shapeshifting was cool too. Though the first time he started Buffy-daydreaming in the middle of the minor vamp-teeth freak-out in front of the mirror and found her face looking at him… He’d been pretty sure a crazy cleaning lady had gotten her broom and knocked him out, yes sir, and noone’s gonna hear any different. He did not squeak and pass out, lies, all lies. Old cleaning lady Myrtle was just out to get him, messing with his badass reputation, that’s all.

Now he only had to tell the Scoobs… Cause he kept pretending to be asleep when they visited. Well, at least he could turn into bats and run away if Buffster had gotten any funny ideas…


I keep beginning the stories, ficlets and not finishing them lately. Therefore, this short ficlet. It describes Xander as Duzell, Vampire Lord from manga Kyuuketsu Yuugi (Vampire Game). In it, a powerful vampire gets killed by the king, later named a saint, Phelios.

As he promised, he returns from the dead a hundred years later. The vamps of his kind can be reborn by making a deal with a woman or an animal and being born as their child.

Anyway, newly reborn as a catlike-thing, Duzell is found by a rebellious Princess, who hates her royal and saint ancestor for marrying his sister and beginning such tradition for the next generations of royal family. Together they band to find and kill reincarnation of Saint Phelios to get their revenge. At some point near the end of story, Princess makes a rebirth deal with Duzell. And he becomes a prince alongside his nemesis’ reincarnation–ironically enough, his twin brother. Yet, as is seen in the short outtakes after the manga, his romantic feelings towards his mother are not gone at all…

Anyways, I also wanted to add Cordelia dressed as his mother-beloved Princess. Maybe I will at some point later. And for laughs maybe have Angel dressed as Phelios for some reason - and then injesting Mohra blood and suddenly becoming a saint? Some day...

Chapter Text

Disclaimer: it is sand how little I own, especially in the intellectual property department. The verses I use in this fic are also not mine.

It was a magnificent day, that Halloween. People were hustling and bustling around, and there was much rejoicing in the crowds, except for the delinquents’ group.

They were forced to go and play leader with the kiddies, you see. There was much bemoaning, of course. How could there not be? They were all so young then, in hearts and minds, and most of them fighting a good old fashioned “save the world, rescue the kittens” battle for a time already. Even yours truly was more known as Andrew the geek than the storytelling cat I am now.

It was, after all, my fault. I made the joke, I purchased the materials and I created a tablet. And I was a fool who put that frigging tablet in the exact place where it was most likely to cause a self sustaining transformation technique which incidentally destroyed the Hellmouth and changed the nature of the Seed while changing all of us touched by the day’s magic... It was just a nod at our school’s creepiness, you see. Nothing sinister or malicious was intended. I just dubbed our school Gunnerkrigg Court. And, therefore, I was the cause of the magical resonance and the strange otherworldly town we live in.

I became the keeper of stories, a cat walking on the golden chain. Thankfully, our shifted reality seems to have accommodated to all of the changed ones’ needs. The chains are all over, and I walk over others’ heads, learning their stories. I am sad my humanity is no more, but their life stories make me content. I gaze upon them, committing them to my memory with fondness.

There is our resident Ghost Lady, aptly named Willow. She cries in the winds and weeps for the lost. She also empowers The River, even if slightly differently than the White Lady of the original. She is less emotionless, more human guard, even if she kills as efficiently as her proverbial predecessor. Her heart longs for the beloved she never touched in the mortal coil. The resident weres come to sing for her, trying to quench her pains. She sometimes touches their leader’s mane and he is gazing at her with sorrow. They make for a dramatic pair.

Buffy, she visits Willow sometimes, even with her general dislike of water. We don’t know what happened to her, but I suspect nothing good. She’s heavy now, not the humanlike “had eaten too much donuts” heavy, but several tons worth of heaviness. Or even more. She’s also that much better with weapons. Sadly, she retained no memories of the spirit possessing her. Or mayhaps thankfully. She wouldn’t appreciate grownup’s perspective on her love problems anyways. She is enigma one moment, and a vapid bimbo the next. She lives knowing that most of her friends aren’t as similar to their previous selves as her. Sometimes Buffy understands how different she herself is, but she shuts that knowledge away as soon as it appears.

She’s very serious about friendships now, and tries hard to acquire as much friends as possible and keeps them close. Ironically – or maybe sadly – now that people know she can break them in half with a pinky, she’s much more popular amongst all groups. She’s even seen talking to Jono, in his extra-creepy nowadays form.

Jonathan had acquired a bumbling mad Spark on that night, and builds himself robotic guards, and continues to try building a perfect robotic slave-slash-girlfriend with no luck for some reason. Maybe I’ll visit him one day. The day I am sure he won’t try to dissect me or turn into one of his cyborgish abominations… but I digress. He seems, well, not happy, but more content. And more crazy, but that’s the Spark for you.

Not all are that lucky. There are child-demons all over. Their mothers were forced to admit the existence of the supernatural. They have to cope with their children looking scarier than monsters from the newest thrillers. It broke some of them. Malegasta Kosky had gotten all emo and killed herself to get her four year old daughter some sustenance. Ogasta Kosky is still visiting psychologists and psychiatrists to help her deal with such ordeal. Gwendolin Catony went into the bars, picked up random men, slept with them and murdered them afterwards. She also kept her son Johny chained up in the basement, feeding him body parts of her victims. Sylvie Berdanko got hypnotized by her 13-year-old son to rob a bank to be able to buy candy. She was killed attempting to escape. In the end, the organization was needed.

They call themselves Sisters of the Craft now, as most were forced to learn witchcraft or use empowering ritual to be able to control their kids. After all, even if kids remember their mothers and fathers, their instinct are wired differently. Less likely to cry, more likely to pounce, tearing you inside out. Such is life. Also, Sisters of the Craft accept younger women and girls – to act as supervisors in case a kid or his mom looses it, and to provide possibility of the relationships in the future, respectively. Meanwhile, Brothers of the Craft are tirelessly searching for ways to reverse spells, becoming more and more entrenched in the supernatural.

Let’s not forget the faerie-kin. Most of them – and their families – live in the Woods now. Willow is more lenient to children though, and she allows them to sneak into the Court, which contains most of the city.
It is sad universe for beings previously named Warren Mears though. He is the Shadow people, jealously watching the living, but never coming out to interfere, never trying to learn to talk. I sometimes long to talk to him, to comfort him, but as my presence nears, he runs away…

Then there is my beloved, whom I can only stare at. Even though she had not bought Ethan’s costume, she got affected, and immense guilt is stopping me from approaching. Yet I am happy she can defend herself. She’s a shifter now, you see – she can be anything she wants, and anyone, and a fullblood male Cheshire in a cat form. She is beautiful. But she is lost, wandering groups, never able to find herself. She’s somewhat like a much younger Coyote – and boy, do I fear the moment she meets Xander, as he’d be able to keep up with her, being the shapeshifter – the Coyote himself…

I gaze upon my city, and I am content. I am a scolar, Storytelling Cat Andrew, also known as Bayun. I made my world disappear, yet I am content. From my chains, I gaze upon my city. Some times, I get the feeling it is gazing back.

Well, I got this idea after noticing Buffyverse magic coming from the Seed of Wonder, and the similar thing being the reason for the Court’s existence. And I’ve really wanted more original All changes the Halloween night scenario. So, a chain reaction supplants one world with the other, changing the nature of magic in the process.


Andrew – storytelling scholar cat Bayun from Russian mythology and Pushkin’s poetry,

Willow – more mellow White Lady,

Sunnnydale – Gunnerkrieg Court,

Buffy – Jones, the Wandering Eye,

Dingoes ate my Baby – werewolves,

Cordelia and Xander – shapeshifters with probably somewhat godly powers,

Warren Mears – Shadow People,

Jonathan – madboy from Girlgenius verse, one of the weaker Heterodynes of past,

Children – demons and faerie kin

Chapter Text

It began with a Halloween and a bet. A snarking session a young man named Xander had with the local fashion queen dissolved into a bet, which was promptly lost.

And instead of watching his adversary in the cheerleading outfit, this young man was forced to wear one. As a show of support, his friends agreed to wear matching costumes. His friend Buffy, known as the Vampire Slayer in her free time, agreed to lend both Xander and their other friend Willow matching cheerleading uniforms.

Even Buffy's mother, the gorgeous women known as Joyce Summers, decided to help out poor boy, though the costume she'd worn was bought in the Halloween shop "The Ethan's". It also sported a big bloodied axe. She also bought extra pompons for Xander and Willow from the very same shop.

One moment, Xander and Willow were both fidgeting in their blonde wigs. The other, a terrible reaping sensation permeated the world. It seemed as if a great evil glimpsed on the world for a second. And it was glad.

Three Buffy Summers' set out into the night to find a cause of disturbance.

The Major's Halloween party was beginning, and the small talk ensued.

"Well, miss, you certainly do your outfit justice."

"Only for you, mister Wilkins" - Joyce Summers giggled, considering the major quite a fetching gentleman, and with those words, the destiny of Richard Wilkins the 3rd was set in stone. Invocation to Janus finished, Joyce's nature momentarily changed.

It was cold there, colder than they had ever experienced. There were five of them: Richard Wilkins the 3rd, his secretary Alan Fitch, vampiress known as Drusilla, a Mohra demon wandering nearby previously, and one of major's more zealous servants.

Mohra was the first to go, having tried to attack the puny humans that probably brought it here. The y managed to lock it in one of the empty rooms. Alan was left to watch it. He was the only one to witness slashes started appearing on its body, and continued appearing until Mohras vitality gave out.

Drucilla had began muttering about the divine vengeance then, and its unholy harbinger. She then had a face full of despair. Then she suddenly decided mister Finch was appetizing enough as her last meal, causing the holes to appear on her throat and after a second, the dust that used to be her body was scattered in the wind.

They all tried getting out after that, but they had barely made it back inside alive. The White Cold outside was impossible to bear even with fear of death making the three of them run. They returned, and Richard foolishly decided to use his overeager underling as a sacrifice to help him gather power and get out. There was more blood in there than both of his subordinates have seen in their lives when the illustrious sorcerer finished bleeding out. The underling named Travis Verdot, had gotten mightily suspicious of Alan at that point, and once again proving some evil has no brain cells, proceeded to try to gut him, and died trying.

Alan Finch waited in fear the whole night till the first rays of sunlight in the morning, as the icy reality disappeared around him, blanching as he noticed Mayor’s mutilated body at his feet. He blanched even more after accidentally gazing at the guest in the cheerleading uniform and noticed something red dribbling down the ax stripped to her hip. He blanched even more, being on the verge of the panic attack as she winked at him and and put an index ginger to her lips. Memories of the White Cold resurfacing, he promised himself not to come within preferably several miles distance from whomever she was.

“Hey, Buffster, mom makes mean cookies, doesn’t she?“ – Buffy still could not believe it, seriously hoping it was a bad dream. She closed her eyes briefly, hoping the image before her was gone by the time she looks again. Nope, still there. Damn it.

It’s not that she hadn’t liked Xandra (who used to be Xander before the Halloween night. She reminded herself to find and kill the proprietor. Painfully)… Far from it. It’s just that looking at Xander was like looking at the creepy version of herself on the steroids, yet with the very similar mannerism. Creepy, that.

And Xandra insisted on borrowing her clothes, especially now that their mother bullied Mayor Filch into creating the paperwork for making Xandra her cousin. It was really creepy. Not to mention she ruined them every time.

They also got called Frankentwins a lot. Her being Jekyll, and Xander Hyde. Of course, it did not help that Xander had gotten Slayer strength and for some reason a lot of bulging musculature. And Buffy wasn’t really sure if he was still male, female or some kind of a creepy hybrid. She did not want to insult Xandra, after all. And her documents stated “female”… but there were some suspicious bulges in blaces she didn’t want to but could not help contemplating.

At least with Willow being the too blonde, too pyromaniac version of Buffy, nowadays pining for some guy named Pike from the memories she ‘d gotten, there was some distance between them. And it was easier to socialize too. She involuntarily shuddered again.

“Earth to Buffy! Talk to me, or I’ll eat your cookies!”

“Don’t you dare, boygirl!” – yes, that was his nickname for the times he-she annoyed her.

“And here I find myself with the not caring! These are too mean cookies to be wasted on the heathens who do not appreciate their holy glory, girly-girl!”

“You did not just try to deprive me of my mom’s cooking”… - Buffy narrowed her eyes. – “You are so dead!”

And the tenth sibling character building rivalry fight during that day had begun.


Okay, it was an idea that sprang after reading a PM. It was a proposition to write a :”Xadner looses a bet and becomes Buffy clone”. I decided to add Willow and somewhat Joyce to the mix.

So during that night, Buffy was left as herself, as she had no cursed items, but Xander and Willow’s cursed pompons turned them into the Slayers, possibly jumpstarting First Evil arc, as the slayer line had gotten more strained.

Also, why would a male changed into female become said female’s absolute copy? In my version he becomes her creepily manly looking sister with a bit of an identity and gender crysis. Appearance wise, think Alice from Superjail! In a miniskirt. And a top.

As for Joyce, her character is from the short movie I do not remember a title of. She is a demon one might call if they believe they were wrongly accused. She takes you and four others to the strange reality surrounded by the unbearable cold. If you killed, and when you wish to kill someone in her realm, she comes after you, wearing the same thing your latest victim did and kills you in the similar manner. If you did not kill anyone with your own hands, she lets you go.

So, the cast is:
Xander – creepy manly Buffy
Willow – movie Buffy,
Joyce – vengeance demon-thing in cheerleading outfit. With an ax.

Chapter Text

He vaguely remembered years full of death and depravity. He remembered untold hordes of enemies slaughtered. He remembered being locked in the box. He remembered escaping. He remembered his duel with that damned witch Totenkinder. He remembered his might-be lover and feeling of triumph as he gazed upon the finished Castle Dark, anticipating imminent destruction of barrier protecting his enemies’ Haven. And he remembered despair, as North Wind stole him away into his box, killing them both. But it also seemed distant, as if it did not happen to him, but was simply told to him. It was all ashes and withering. It was a story. A Fable.

He understood that he had not been back, but simply reborn anew – like aeons ago, when his incarnation first emerged. He felt fresh. It seemed, his rebirth was being impeded by whatever facilitated it in the first place. Being practically newborn was somewhat refreshing.

He withered the tiny demon, but something within him did not like what he learned. A spell. A child… Interesting. His new self balked at harming children. Strange, but he was almost a wee child himself. Little dark monster hiding under the bed.

He felt the air, and the point of origin for his own birthing spell. He could have teleported there, but he felt the need of sustenance, lest he withered himself into nothingness, becoming potential of a force… sacrilegious. He did not do things he did not like, so he did not eat ones caught in the spell, only withering away its components, gobbling on powers of the ones who came to this world like he did.

Vampires or demons, though – they were fair game. He felt more energetic, less lethargic the more he consumed. Magic and teeth, teeth and magic… He started remembering. In this life, he was a little mundane boy, not even a bit of magical Fable blood in his veins. Well, he used to be a normal Mundy up until a moment he decided to go as “The Spooky Dark Man” on Halloween. He was fighting the darkness, even darkness within himself. No chance of that now, for up until the moment his most rudimentary human memories came back, he had absorbed enough dark energy and dark creatures to be past point of no return.

His smile was a bit wistful, as he neared the Ethan’s Costume Shoppe.


Bellflower Totenkinder could feel she was not in her rightful body right from the beginning… even before she felt the power of Dunedain, The Dark One wash over her. Maybe little witch she now possessed did summon her suddenly, but Bell was freezing with no chance of return. And this little moppet of a summoner witch did have a due cause. Without anyone experienced in the boxmaking, she could not hope to contain Mister Dark who, however weakened, seemed to have escaped the Casket of the Four Winds. She set to work on making the gal remember everything clearly even after Bellflower left to save her husband.


Snow White woke up in the middle of the street she had never seen before in her life. Bigby and the kids were nowhere in sight, what was worse, something dark was filling the air – as if the damned Mister Dark had returned, a single note of impending doom ringing all over... She’d gotten up. She had to find out what happened. Whatever had been going on, it might have to do with her kids’ disappearance. She could take no chance, there might be some old magic at work here.


Rose Red was wandering the streets, when Clara swooped down her shoulder. Wherever they were, Hope shall always find a way…


As he withered the life away from the unfortunate Ethan Rayne’s life, he pondered on eating poor sod’s god as well, until he decided against it. Chaos breeds conflict, conflict breeds darkness. For the sake of his general power increase, he had to let little god go. For now. Even so, it did not matter much. After all, there was a much tastier morsel right under his nose. Deciding to forgo walking for the moment, he teleported to the source of dark power permeating the city. The Hellmouth smelled delicious. Also, it seemed to be full of teeth.

Bellflower felt everything change, strangely enough cleanse itself and become darker at the same time. He was gaining power fast – too fast, truth be told. Then, suddenly, a terrible premonition washed over her. As the Hellish portal grew less and less, she noticed a source of great power glow right next to it. As soon as Mister Dark stops devouring the Hellish portal, he shall go for it. And it was too powerful to be his. If he acquired its powers, catastrophes untold shall abound. She had to do some…

The Bust shattered in the Ethan’s Shoppe by the hand of one Rupert Giles as the last piece of the Hellmouth was being devoured. The shock of it shifted Xander Dark’s attention and a sliver of dimension-walls-tearing power was allowed to retreat.

Xander smirked. Just as well. Maybe it shall even be even more pleasant to have a dessert later. For now, he had children to collect and lead to school safely. Well, perhaps after a change of appearance. A word, and good old Xander was back. Some subterfuge was needed, so he remembered one of his withering’s stories. An imperial wizard, certainly nothing to fear. Just in case, as he caught Bellflower’s scent in the air earlier that day. And she was nothing if not resourceful.


Cordelia Chase was shaking. She was scared and humbled, and jumbled. She was disgusted and full of despair. There was something out there that even Totenkinder was afraid of, and she was weak. Her Hunger and Judgement were just a little bit more than props, her Pathfinder nothing more than a glorified purse, and while she held only tiny shard of Damnation, she wondered what she might have to do to gain enough power to fight the Dark One. Would she have to go through Bellflower’s path only to lose almost everything in the end? Would she win? Would it be worth it?..


Buffy was lying in the bed wide awake. She was broken now, she knew that. Her love… her Angel… she could not lessen disgust when she thought of touching a dead body. She could also not get rid of Charming’s face being imposed on Angel’s, a wave of hatred deep within her shouting “Traitor!”, “Adulterer!”; his demonic face had brought to mind Dwarfs, and her hatred turned to the blinding inferno sizzling for death and destruction. She needed Bigby and the kids, and knew that none of them existed… when she thought about that, her heart was emptier than North Wind’s realm. She could not breathe, could not move, could not live, so she concentrated on Charming-Angel and carving his beautiful face with the blade for his traitorous flirting, for his dead body she could not bring herself to even think of touching. In her bed, she wept like a child, for the faces of her cubs kept appearing in her mind’s eye even if all her efforts were concentrated on not letting them to fade…


As Willow gazed into her window, a golden glow enveloped her, and from within it, a woman stepped out. As one inheriting memories of wily and just Rose Red, Willow had not doubts as to who was here, nor the reason for a visit.

Timidly, she asked: “Might I be the one give Hope for Victory, hope for the world and its people continued existence… in harmony, not in war?” As the embodiment of Hope embraced her – just as she always hoped her mother would – the golden woman murmured into her ear: “Of course you might… Mind you, your troubles and trials still lie in days ahead…”


All characters are from the Vertigo’s incredible “Fables” comics.
Xander – Mister Dark’s next incarnation. Bogeyman, monster under the bed, darkness personified. He can create zombies (“witherings”) and produces them from people’s or creatures’ teeth, which he devours. He can also teleport wherever he wishes and consume people. He is a personification of power of Darkness, an old power on par with North Wind, Winter and Hope.
Cordelia – Frau Totenkinder after she reputedly lost her “practically any unnamed witch” powers in her duel with Mister Dark. She got her first power boost by sacrificing her first child after her lover exiled her, and maintained her youth and power that way for many years since Paleolithic times by sacrificing children. Hates beautiful men in positions of power, especially princes – therefore curses them constantly (in the past). Had been known to curse those to irritated her, princes, princesses, animals, trolls,… Harms for slights, but rewards for good deeds done for her. For many years she used to be a leader of Fabletown’s witches, in a deadly Game with the Adversary, seeing it as favor to Snow White and Rose Red for saving her in her “down” period after Hanzel and Gretel burnt her. So, Cordy feeling a lot of connection to Rose Red
Buffy – Snow White, first wife of Prince Charming and current wife of Big Bad Wolf. Had been enslaved by evil dwarves in her youth, her revenge on them was one of the reasons that lead to breaking of her marriage to prince Charming, who succumbed to her sister’s advances. Her fixation on status of “Prince” had made her path to love and family long indeed. She’s currently mother of 7 children and is married to Big Bad Wolf. This leads to Buffy disenchanted with fairytales and yearning for family of her own (might that later become basis for making Dawn Buffy’s kid instead of sister).
Rose Red – Snow White’s sister, who was instrumental in destruction of Snow White and Prince Charming’s union by seducing the Prince and turning Snow White forever mistrustful of men. At the moment, after a lot of personal development, she is one of the Paladins of Hope along with Santa Claus and several other Fables. This is before she swallowed Hope and monsters and gods and came close to destroying her sister and her family in a war that could have ended whole of existence.
Was also thinnking of making Oz Bigby, but that would have been too much of an angst-fest...

Chapter Text

Warning: swearing.

It all seemed damn irritating to Gunter. Twice! The cold-hearted two-faced bitch he loved had made a killing shot twice! Now, he was afraid his patience limit was running low… Ah, what the hell, he was thrilled. She was a bitch, a killer and she shot him twice he remembered. He was practically sure she might have shot him before, too. After all, the mystery silhouette in his dreams seemed not at all different from hers. Or was it just a premonition of the events soon to come?

She’d be the death of him, twice over… She was the queen of the night – swift, strong and deadly Martine. She was a refined lady – elegant, beautiful and of course easily lying Lilly. She was even more psychotic than him, and that was difficult result to reach. And similarly evil – like a thrum of murder in his blood, the love for excitement, the ecstasy of ending pitiful idiots living boring life in the world filled with evil and always turning their backs on the crimes committed in plain sight…

Gods, he wanted to fuck her, then shoot her, then fuck her again. And her playing three most dangerous men including himself, maybe even more? Ooooh, and her great lie to them all? She made them reluctant to kill her, even if they knew she most definitely betrayed all and every single one of them. He wanted her here and now. Where the hell was she? Wasn’t she going to confirm her new kill? He could think, that meant her mugshot was once again non-lethal. Maybe she did love him a bit on the bottom of her little black lying heart. Weren’t they a fun match?

After a moment of vertigo – like returning from the “out of body” dream – he noticed he was lying face down on some kind of the surface. He flexed his hands. Hmm… what was he thinking about? Oh yes, he could move his hands freely. Ergo, he wasn’t in the police custody. Probably. Perhaps Eve WhateverHerSurnameWas, the menopause-fearing sadistic sex-starved queen of the Bruteville’s lawless law enforcement decided he was domesticated already. Well, too bad for her. Nah, she knew him too well. Probably would have had a gun trained on his face had he been in her custody. Or her yellow taser in more… nether regions.

He groaned when the hand he tried to feel his face with had touched something suspiciously similar to the bandages. What the hell! He’d just gotten a bit used to the stupid goody-boy’s face (not that he would wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat given a chance to be back to himself). And to the suspicious “close friend” of his victim’s doing everything he could to not have a nervous breakdown looking at the killer looking like his partner. The crybaby cop was such fun to torture, really. And he continued following Gunter every once in a while. He also did not manage to stop looking like he swallowed something bitter every time Gunter did bad thing wearing his loved one’s face. Meaning he looked like lemon was his main diet course. And he was so adamant about Gunter having his face back! Probably to be able to finally shoot him, but still!

That copper did not even try to hide how much of a “meatlover” he was, even if he had kids with his beard. No straight man liked photos of the naked male torsos that much unless he wanted to tap himself some of that. And let’s not forget him listening to Celine Dion… pleasant music indeed.

What was he thinking about? Ah yes, sleeping with and shooting Martine, then making his “partner” cry, maybe killing him too? Nah, he was much too entertaining. Seriously? How do you manage to stay so relentlessly evil all the time? Really? He was simply precious! And he hilariously shot Gunter’s upper neighbor dead, wasn’t it drop dead amusing? Yes, yes it was! And his failed attempt to betray Gunter?..

But perhaps he had to start more short-term planning in. First, get the bandages off. Second, find a mirror. Third, become angry. Fourth, kill everyone responsible. Fifth, kill the witnesses and their neighbours and pets. Ja, ein gutes Plan. Six, find Martine. Seven, return to the department. What the?.. stupid copper’s implant face was still influencing his thought process!

He hopped up just in time for a small demon to miss his ankle with his teeth. He of course kicked the little fucker till he couldn’t even whimper. Gunter met human kids tougher than it. He was a most probably human kid tougher than this. Well, he was often called the darkest devil from the deepest pits of Hell, but what do they really know? Nothing.

Another tiny demon pounced, but the conveniently found bit of piping disabused it of its notions – whatever they were. Aaaah, he got it! So this was the heaven! He thought it would be whiter, but what the hell – this was more like his kind eternal bliss – eternal strife in the dark of the night! He was looking forward to meeting Joseph Stalin and Kim Chen Ir, not to mention Dick Cheney. Maybe he could even kill Johann Tannhauser some more?

Scheise, he was thinking too much. He’d definitely been worked on, possibly with drugs. Aaah, too much thinking! Not enough action! He was going mad!..

He checked himself and – what do you know? – there was his loffely gun, full of loffely blood-spilling bullets. He even had his police badge and the handcuffs! The Satan definitely loves me down there – he thought, shooting down a little faerie. Her wings even continued to move long after she stopped doing so.

It was grand. He did not stop moving, shooting or kicking them all down till they were still like the dead Mossad agents. Hmm, Martine so liked the way they arranged them… Now he only had to get his whiny cop “partner” here to freak out about his psychotic ways for a bit of pure bliss.

He had even almost forgotten the bandages. But after he robbed some stationery shop, he’d gotten scissors. Cut-cut, chop-chop, here we are… Schwanzlutscher Betze! He was an abgenutzt grune Gurke! Scheißkram! The verdammt copper was at least of age! Did the nicht gefickt alte Hure decide to get to him by the way of making him have no sex? Ha, the Fotzen loved his attitude almost as much as his großen dicken Schwanz! Ha-haha!

He searched his person again and found the receipt from Ethan’s Shoppe – nothing familiar, but he surely wasn’t in Brutesville anymore. He also got a wallet with maybe 15 bucks inside and the library card of the wimpy little donor of his current face. Library or the shop? Hmm, kids rarely want to spend time in the library. On the other hand, shops are better protected and the guards there can be armed. More likely for the undercover police operation. Maybe a room for surgery in the basement? Perhaps he could get himself some happy pills to go with murder spree?

With that happy thought Gunter Vogler, psychopathic criminal turned the most effective if reluctant copper had made way to find the elusive Ethan’s Shoppe, quest made difficult by his inability to ask directions – the pint-sized demons, while fun to kick, made poor conversation partners, and numerous people he met had almost as little idea about what was going on as he did – apparently many also had receipts of the Ethan’s Shoppe, cementing Gunter’s idea something was up. He also thought it thoughtful of them to get knocked out that easily, and add to his limited funds. He even dragged them – well, a couple of them at least – off the road and into the yard gardens to have some good time later.

He continued on, bashing everything that moved on the head, stomach and the even less pleasant to feel when kicked parts of body. He could get used to it! After the fifth – or was it fifteenth? So easy to lose count – tiny demon-fairy-princess-painted-cardboard-something (probably-robot) beaten into submission they started running away as soon as he was near. Hmm, or perhaps it was “beating them into demolition”? Yeah, he liked the sound of it!

And then – in a surprising turn of events he’d met Martine in her Lilly guise – well, it was not quite her, but he knew that crazy look in the eye anywhere. He was exhilarated enough to shoot her then and there. Only, it did not stick. No, not only that. It passed through her! Turnabout was a verdammt fair play! And he wasn’t seeing even a bit of blood! Where was the fairness of it all?

Dammit, she was the most conniving bitch ever! Coming in his dreams, in his hallucinations, everywhere! She betrayed him ten times over, but did he want her on his side? Definitely! Naughty Martine… she couldn’t be anything other than his soulmate!

“Naughty, naughty boy! Shooting your mamma in the face… and not the fun way!” She was shamelessly doing it again!

“Goddamit, woman! Stop calling me that! I do not want to fuck my mother!”

“So you say…” The bitch enjoyed the invulnerability of being a hallucination too much. Or was she a ghost? If so, he would murder the son of a bitch who killed her, robbing Gunter of his twice earned revenge. And of a lot of the revenge sex… More importantly, sex with Martine… The lowlife’s existence would end slowly and painfully.

And what do you know – thinking of revenge and being angered by the Martine-as-Lilly hallucination he finally found his mark. Of course, he entered. Well, if this did not look like a ficken cultist lair. Hmm, perhaps he was really a zombie? Hmm, that could be handy…

“Division of self…” was as far as whoever was at his back had gotten when Gunter nailed him in the stomach. “R-ripper! Knew… you’d…” The wheeze from the sleaze got interrupted by a clean uppercut. “I sincerely hope to become one for you this fine evening” – it was then that Gunter had gotten pen into the suspects’ hand. Let it be known he was merciful. After all, there were lots of places the pen could have easily gone to… and what a good quality stationery the shop had. Perhaps he’d even buy some things from there later.


Meanwhile, in the library Gunter decided not to visit (proving that even carnivorous rats had good instincts), someone was feeling gleeful. Seeing as the last memory he had was that of a long painful fall, most likely resulting in his death, he had all the reasons to be maliciously happy.

Of course, happy mood did not last long for one such as he. This man was, after all, a genius. Little and big clues most people ignored told him stories, and it took him less than five minutes to break doors to the librarian’s office and find the current and previous watchers’ diaries, flip through them and decide his course of action.

He should have died, but had not, reappearing into the world where magic existed for untold ages. But such appearance could have limited time. And he did not want to fall into oblivion. However possible, he would linger. If not as a full-out presence, he would remain as a strong echo, warping the host of his spirit into the worthy successor. Now only if he could find the source… Taking a few weapons and expertly hiding them of his person, Professor James Moriarty set into the night. He was missing his gun.


On the other side of town, a raven-haired beauty disarmed an overly amorous pirate and kicked him in the nads until he passed out. It was a strange night. She kept remembering killing Gunter again. Maybe because images of his face, his annoying presence kept popping within her mind, and with a different face once more. Was she missing him – the semi-new him, who could say “I love you” without calling her stupid, but who still did not deign to pay attention when she pointed the gun at him? Well… no, it couldn’t be. Probably wistful thinking… unless he had ridiculously managed to turn up alive once more.

Just in case, the black-haired Angel of Death, also known as Executioner of the Tannhauser Gang set out to follow the visions of Gunter Vogler to his current location. Ethan’s Shoppe sounded strangely familiar…


Meanwhile, the almost proper Lady grabbed at her throat, then let go… Bastard! He poisoned her! Even though she’d been oh so loyal! She’d crush him even if that was the last thing she did… And knowing him it probably would be.

Her anger had to recede, though, when a pint-sized demon attacked her. She kicked it down, then stomped on it with her heels. Hmm… perhaps she needed a makeshift weapon… and a retreat to consider her options. After all, even if her afterlife consisted of Hell, she was not being cooked on the fire or eaten alive. She resolved to keep it that way.
As Irene noticed a costume shop, a male figure giving her chills for some unforeseen reason had just turned the corner. She ducked inside, hiding behind some clothing racks. Painful whimpering of a human in pain distracted her for enough time to prevent her from leaving the shop before Professor James Moriarty strode in.


Torturing people without killing them outright was boring somewhat. No, not really. But he had to reign himself in, you see. Hmm, perhaps he should ask the man something? Nah, that would be boring as well. Maybe in a few minutes? He took another pen out, forcing his tortureé to whimper.


It took Moriarty less than two seconds to assess the situation. Well, did he admire the technique. This young man had a bright future in front of him indeed. Just what a man of his stature needed in new world, and probably with the same problem he has…

“Young man, I think we have a lot to discuss…”

As he had to block a pen an a crowbar with a dagger and a walking stick, he grinned.


Rupert Giles knew his kids were more then he ever anticipated. Yet he never in his wildest nightmares imagines himself in this situation. More than that, it was partially his fault for making them what they became now. Moriarty, frigging bastard, had taken their souls and twisted them all. And, while Giles had experience coming back from the dark side, the children did not. They were like the demented versions of themselves, ready to turn into dynamite sticks, or atomic bombs any second. And it was all his fault.

But, as a pretty much former villain twice over, he knew what he had to do. Even if being somewhat evil brought liberation, it would be subdued if ones higher on the food chain demanded to limit it enough and were powerful enough to force an issue. And being an intelligent and extremely observant man he was now, he knew what he had to do.

The infernal machines and any other weapon in his disposal would be used to keep his kids as innocent as possible being insane murdering psychopaths at least by half. With Moriarty’s expertise he had a chance to become a better support as well as leader of the band of would-be murderers. Not that they would need to get the experience to go with the memories till he was breathing. Well, aside from torturing Ethan from time to time, but that was plain therapy, and death was just an easy way out for the bastard's misdeeds.


Library was a good place to meet before. Close to the Hellmouth, far from everyone’s domains. Well, not so much after Giles became what he was. Still, they remained in the world-saving business. Also, saving the world did not pay bills, quite the contrary. And ignoring “the Ripper” was dangerous endeavor in his best days. And now, several months after the Halloween mess, their friendly company was all back together. And even paid per effort in any Apocalipse prevention plot. Not that that had stopped Xander from robbing the crypts and killing vamps. And demons. And giant mystical whatchamacallits. Mutants threatening to hurt others. Mutants hurting others. Demon hunters without due cause. Witches and warlocks hurting people.

He has come to peace with himself sometime ago. Mostly, at least. Giles’ rules enforcing had helped him in that regard. Sometimes, he wondered if the old librarian had managed to defeat the Moriarty influence. In the end, he decided not to dwell on it. If so, he was very good at playing his role. If not, Xaner did not want the walking weapon deposit man to go all gang-ho on him. Once was enough.

And getting paid monthly for his troubles was gratifying, even if he felt a pang of jealousy every time he was not included in the mastermind’s slowly growing criminal empire’s operations. Well, some acquired the funds, some had to save the world.

Perhaps it was all Xander’s fault for mocking the Broodboy Wonder. Because now all of them were the somewhat less divided versions of frigging demon-plus-soul.

Oh, he was all for protecting the innocents still. It’s just that his standards of the innocence was severely skewered now. And he was all for punishing slights sent in his general direction, as gayboy Larry found out the hard way.

But at least he could vent his frustration on humanity on its unfortunate specimen named Ethan Rayne, or the other people who managed to displease the new Giles severely enough to be imprisoned in his underschool Pits. You had better not try to cross people saving the world if your continued existence and wealth was not imperative to the world’s continued existence, after all.

Also, even if Cordelia had managed to shoot him at least twice with moderate success, she seemed to be warming up somewhat. She even totally missed his head with her throwing knives yesterday. And her firearms and cold steel weaponry had started to veer from vital areas for weeks now.

And Willow – well, were they ever more warm than now? Perhaps in Hell, not that he planned on getting there soon. Dick Chaney and Kim Chen Ir shall have to wait. If only his Willow-Lilly would stop her “momma” and “sissy” references, he’d be most happy.

He still thought her and Cordelia’s mind reading mumbo-jumbo was majorly creepifying. Hmm, if Cordy was reading Willow during the act, was it considered a threesome?.. Better not let her know he thought that.

Buffster was probably the least evil of them, but probably the sneakiest little sneak in vicinity. And was she ever the paranoid one? Never drinking anything she had not brought herself, in the sealed container she threw away with the slightest bit of tampering noticed.

Giles also seemed a bit maliciously disappointed whenever he offered her some tea and she refused. The shade of greenish-white she turned every time it happened was amusing indeed. There had to be some story there.

All-in-all, Xander realized with a jolt that he was happy. His friends were the amoral bastards, sure, but that was not the reason he liked them… and his life was beginning to turn alright. He thought of Cordy and Wills doing some “warming up” to him together. Alright indeed…


The theme of this little bit is “Immoral clever villains with no superpowers” and “costumed people leaving an imprint with the help of some magic”. Let’s pretend they tortured it out of Ethan Rayne.

Xander – Amoral and fearless psychopathic criminal Gunter Vogler (shot on his Boss’ orders and given the face – “inheriting” life of a police officer he killed) from Canadian, I think, comic crime 6-episode series “Bullet in the face”, a special August event on IFC.

Cordelia and Willow – Martine/ghost-Lilly (what would happen if neither part of her costume were from Buffy – meaning both of them were bought at Ethan’s – therefore, a resonance between them appeared, and she changed into meld of two costumes instead of single one of them) – two faces of his lover/attempted killer/“soulmate” from the very same show.

Giles becomes professor Moriarty from Game of Shadows – due to some kind of prop, probably not even Sherlock Holmes affiliated, bought by Miss Calendar to tease him for his PhD making him qualified enough to be a “Professor”.

Buffy – Irene Adler from the same movie, right after Moriarty poisoned her.