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Dear Enemy

Chapter Text

Sunday 10th July 2016

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am aware that Headmistress Granger has already written to discuss your generous donation to Harry Potter's School for Squibs and the rather unusual terms attached, but I wanted to personally thank you again for your kindness. Our society has been quick to rally around the war's magical orphans but there is very little interest or financial support available for those children who've lost their parents and have no magical ability to fall back on.

As an orphan myself I know how isolating it can be to grow up without a magical community and the best day of my life was the day I received my Hogwarts letter. The children we work with are not offered the same escape I was. Many of our students lost their parents during the war and then, on their 11th birthday, they are effectively told that there is no place for them in the Magical world.

Your donation will fund repairs to the boys' dormitories, a holiday for all the students, and pay the teachers' salaries for the next two years. So, once again, thank you.

In return for this unparalleled generosity you have asked for a weekly letter from me, Harry Potter. While I'm flattered at the request I wonder if there is another way we can repay you? In your original letter to Headmistress Granger you said that you were hoping for updates on how the children are getting on. Surely, then, a weekly letter from the children's teachers' or maybe a joint letter from the children themselves would be better?

I am a very boring letter writer. My spelling is atrocious, my grammar is about what you'd expect from someone who received no lessons in composition beyond the age of 11, I often repeat myself and I hardly ever leave the office (administering the school makes me go through more parchment in one day than I used throughout my entire NEWTs). This means that the only updates you receive will be what I overhear in the Staff Room, what I can see from my (very small) window and what blend of Supermarket own-brand instant coffee I am drinking this week.

In short. While I appreciate your interest I really think you (and the school) will be better served if you correspond with someone more connected to the children and I am left to continue with my secretarial duties.

Thank you again and best wishes,

Harry Potter
Secretary
School for Squibs

Chapter Text

Monday 11th July 2016

Dear Headmistress Granger,

I enclose my first (and possibly last?) communication from Harry Potter. Once we remove the sections clearly copied verbatim from the Harry Potter School for Squibs mission statement the gist seems to be; "sod off, I'm too busy polishing the sellotape on my grime encrusted spectacles to bother with things like common courtesy".

My donation to your school was dependent on a weekly letter from Mr Potter. I am not asking him to write a novel. I am not asking him to write the letter in blood or to share intimidate details of his "celebrity lifestyle". I only ask for a weekly letter - 1 foot of parchment - detailing the day-to-day running of the school in which I have invested a significant sum of money.

Please do me the honour of explaining the situation to Mr Potter at your earliest convenience, before my masochistic streaks runs out and I decide to find a more willing correspondent.

Yours in good faith,

Mr X

 

Monday 11th July 2016

Harry,

Did you know that pregnant women are advised not to drink caffeine? No coffee. No tea. No chocolate. No joy, Harry.

I used to wake up each morning to a cup of Yorkshire Tea, brewed for exactly 3 minutes, in my favourite Male Tears mug. I then picked up a cup of Medium Roast Ethiopian coffee on my way into work, followed by another cup of Yorkshire at my desk and accompanied by one of Luna's chocolate-chili danishes.

Then, and only then, did I have to grab my shovel and start dealing with whatever pile of hippogriffshit you'd dropped on us over the weekend. Headlines in the Prophet about Harry Potter accusing the Ministry of cutting funding for non-magical children? Not a problem. Half the board on the phone because you're refusing to be the honorary guest at the annual fundraising gala? Fantastic. Students staging a sit-in at Hogwarts to protest the school's exclusion of squib children from all house Qudditch matches? I'm on it. I will roll up my sleeves and pitch in because I, Harry, am fueled by the same righteous indignation as you and, more importantly, caffeine.

That's how it used to be but now, now things are different. Now my life is a barren, stimulant-free wasteland; populated by prenatal vitamins and chamomile tea.

With this in mind, cast your eyes over the enclosed letter from Mr X and ask yourself; is this something a good friend does? Does a good friend allow a pregnant lady to come into work on a Monday morning, uncaffeinated, only to find that her business partner has potentially pissed off their single biggest donor?

No. The answer, is no. Fix this. Now.

Hermione

P.S. Are you still ok to take Rose tonight? She's got a new Miffy the Muggle book and insists that Uncle Harry is the only one who does the voices properly. Loveyouthankyoubye!

 

Monday 11th July 2016

Don't make me do this Hermione.

I will look after Rose every night from now until she turns 21 if that's what you, my greatest, truest, friend, need. I will attend every school gala and kiss every board member's arse, oversee every school trip and even pose for the S.P.E.W. Christmas Card. Please. Just don't make me do this.

I know it's only a few letters but you can't honestly expect me to just start sharing information about the school and the students with a complete stranger. What if they sell the letters to the Prophet? They could easily be a journalist, or maybe Voldemort's come back and this is his latest plan to do away with me? Don't you find it a bit suspicious that this Mr X is so insistent on staying anonymous? I tried writing a letter which I'd be happy falling into anyone's hands (friend, enemy, noseless megalomaniac) and this is what I came up with;

Dear Mr X, the school still exists. Yours sincerely, Harry Potter.

Will that do?

Harry

P.S. Yes I can still have Rose over, Ginny is dropping James and Al off at 8. Does Rose still like exploding popcorn or would you rather wait until her back teeth have regrown? 

 

Monday 11th July 2016

I know Voldemort had a good stab at boring you to death with those evil monologues, but I seriously doubt that if he came back his chosen method of destruction would be giving you lots of money. Or pouting because you aren't a particularly scintillating pen-pal. Mr X is probably just lonely and wants to pretend he's mates with Harry Potter. Those of us who've already attained that dubious honour could tell him a few horror stories but how about we let him make his own mistakes?

You will write the letters, I will stop prematurely graying, Mr X will realise you weren't joking about those instant coffee reviews, and we will all live happily ever after.

Hermione

P.S. Thank you and the exploding popcorn is fine. I could do with brushing up on my dental charms and Luna told me she's tweaked the recipe.

P.P.S. If you're really worried I could ask him to accept a modified Fidelius Charm? Only the two of you would be able to read the letters and he'd be unable to speak about them with anyone else. Let me know.

 

Monday 11th July 2016

Dear Mr X,

I do apologise for any confusion and have confirmed with Mr Potter that he will be delighted to write to you.

In order to protect the students' privacy please accept this customized Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes quill set. All you have to do is write "I [insert your real name here] accept this Schrijfinius Fidelius Agreement and shall abide by it throughout my communications with Harry James Potter."

Then sign your name. Harry's corresponding quill will glow green and he will know that he can write to you, safe in the knowledge that should anyone steal the letters they will be unable to read them.

I hope this is acceptable to you, it's actually very interesting magic...

[15 feet of obscure, not-at-all-interesting, magical theory later, including footnotes and an appendix]

Yours sincerely,

Hermione Granger
Headmistress
Harry Potter's School for Squibs

Chapter Text

Thursday 14th July 2016

Hermioneeeeeeeee,

Baby, won't you come out tonight?
Just come up the hill 'cause there's a full moon on the risin'
Hey baby, cant you steal away?
You know I really need to see you tonight!

I've given it a lot of thought and tho' these lyrics sound like a booty call I think what Dolly Parton is actually trying to say here is that you should come to Luna's weird hipster-elctro-folk gig tonight and keep your very hormonal sister-in-law company. How does it feel to have the high priestess of country music writing songs just for you? Does it make you feel special? Because you are, so special. Such a wonderful, special lady who will definitely come tonight so I don't end up crying into my cranberry juice and alienating all Luna's friends by talking about Qudditch and lactation, right? Please?

Just in case Dolly, flattery and begging haven't convinced you; Mum says she'll take the kids and I will get Harry to stop stealing your Remembrall to record the Puddlemere qualifiers.

Love Ginny xxx

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

Gin,

No.

Hermione

P.S. Don't worry about the Remembrall, I think I might be becoming a closet Puddlemere supporter. Will you and Luna take me in when Ron finds out?

  

Thursday 14th July 2016

Hermarvellous,

As a Harpies house I'm afraid our doors would be closed to you. Surely Harry would take pity on a fellow Puddle?

Please come! I know last time was terrible but Luna has promised me that tonight the dress code includes clothes and I can't do this without you. Come on! Pregnant ladies don't make other pregnant ladies cry, isn't that Feminism 101?

Love Ginny xoxoxo

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

Dear Headmistress Granger,

Please do come tonight, the evening won't be complete without you.

Love, peace and wonder,

Luna

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

Dear Luna,

I wouldn't miss it. Thank you for inviting me.

Love,

Hermione

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

Gin,

I think Feminism 101 includes something about not getting your manic pixie dreamwife to do your dirty work for you.

Hermione

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

Yay!

Ginny xxxxxxxxxx (extra kisses because you are wonderful and I will Floo you after work with the details)

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

Hi Harry,

How's the letter going?

Hermione

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

I know you got my last owl, I saw you hiding behind the greenhouse when I went out for lunch.

 

Thursday 14th July 2016

I'm leaving to meet Ginny but this is not over. 

Chapter Text

Saturday 16th July 2016

Dear Mr X,

Hello. How are you? Enjoying life in your shadowy palace of money and mystery?

I've been sitting here for 3 hours and 5 cups of Morrisons Full Roast Instant Coffee, trying to picture the man I'm supposed to be writing to. This is what I've got so far:

1. Rich.

2. Brunette?

Clearly it's not been a very productive morning. Don't worry, I'm not trying to uncover your real identity, it's just difficult to sit down and write a letter to someone who you know nothing about.

Since you've made it clear to Hermione Headmistress Granger that me regurgitating the school mission's statement isn't going to cut it (thanks for that) I've decided to talk about the things not covered in the brochure. But still connected to the school. Unless you're a fellow Puddlemere United supporter? If you are just send Hermione Headmistress Granger a Howler going over your team picks for next season and I'll make sure to include my thoughts on Jenkinson's Keeping skills in next week's letter.

Moving on.

As your highly motivated and enthusiastic pen pal I can offer startling bits of trivia about the school, including the fact that the Staff Room always smells like gravy (my best guess is that someone's been squirreling Roast Dinner flavoured Bertie Botts Beans behind the radiator) and details of how the children spend their time when they're not in lessons or pushing each other into the duck pond*.

The school currently has 6 boarders and 12 day students. Hermione Headmistress Granger has confirmed that you signed the Fidelius Agreement and that it's ok for me to talk in general terms about the students who've given their permission.

All the students are 11 or older, our oldest is Alicia who is 18 and will be attending Muggle University in September. Alicia was 15 when she joined us and had already spent 4 years attending Muggle school while her twin sister attended Hogwarts. We have an onsite therapist for the students and also have a mentor program but there is usually a long period of readjustment, especially for those students who have magical siblings. In Alicia's case she has drawn on her experience of feeling isolated from the magical world to fuel an interest in social work. And the Discworld series although I'm not sure if the two things are connected.

Our youngest student is Gretel, she was confirmed as a Squib 3 months ago and her parents decided that she would be happier if she came to live at the school. Gretel does actually have a little bit of magical ability, nowhere near the level of most magical children but enough to merit extra tuition. Many retired Hogwarts professors have been kind enough to offer their services and only Slughorn a few of them have had to be, most regretfully, declined. The other children are mainly in their mid-teens although we have recently had requests to accept children as young as 5 who have failed to demonstrate magical ability.

After the children have had breakfast - our day students tend to come in early and eat with the boarders - they have an hour of either practical or theoretical magical tuition. A few parents have questioned why we teach magic to Squib children but Hermione Headmistress Granger and I think it's important that the children aren't completely removed from the magical world. Some of them still have the ability to do basic spells and all of them have grown up in magical families.

Once the magic hour is over we have a kickabout in the garden or the children who don't like football can visit the greenhouses with Mr Stalk. This is followed by 3-4 hours of lessons from the Muggle curriculum, edited to include the magical community's contribution to world events. The evenings are for homework and we have a small home cinema. When the cinema was first set up I suggested watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy but this was voted down because young people today are philistines and undeserving of Peter Jackson's genius in favour of the Fast and Furious films.

Bedtime is 9pm for the younger students and 11pm for the older ones.

Well. There you have it, a typical day at School for Squibs. If there's anything else you'd like to know please don't hesitate to owl Hermione Headmistress Granger, she is very much a morning person so it's a good idea to send all owls around 5am when she's really at her best.

Yours sincerely,

Harry Potter
Secretary
School for Squibs

*Hermione Headmistress Granger suggested I clearly signpost the bits where I'm joking but that could be misconstrued to indicate that the children are in mortal peril. At School for Squibs we pride ourselves on the lack of peril our students are subjected to, mortal or otherwise.

 

Saturday 16th July 2016

My Dear Pans,

The Boy Wonder has finally deigned to tip his head to one side and allow some of the prosaic pigswill sloshing around in there to dribble out of an ear and onto a piece of parchment. Thanks to Granger's little Fidelius Charm I'm unable to inflict his stagnant attempts at humour upon you but please accept my assurances that if the success of the war had been dependent on Potter's literary prowess we would all have dark marks branded into our foreheads and be dining exclusively on Voldemort's toenails.

Speaking of food: have me over for dinner tomorrow night? I miss my goddaughter and her scheming harpy of a mother. Is Theo still intent on having Daisy tested next month? If yes just say the word and I will bring up numerous examples of children who underwent the testing and were immediately sorted into Hufflepuff.

Yours schemingly,

Draco

 

Saturday 16th July 2016

Darling Draco,

Theo, spurned on by his jibbering hag of a mother, has actually gone as far as to make an appointment at Ollivanders so, please, come tomorrow night armed for battle. I'm considering a sex strike but unless I can convince Astoria to join me there really seems little point.

On the subject of your ex-wives: have you heard from Emma recently? I want to drink horrible cocktails in that Muggle club just off Covent Garden and she's the only one of us who can ever remember where it is.

Not that I don't appreciate everything you're doing for me but is it really such a hardship to finally have the object of your schoolboy obsession owling you day and night?

Love love love,

Pansy

 

Saturday 16th July 2016

Pans,

Potter is not owling me "day and night", he has sent two owls. One to inform me that he's far too busy and important to talk to me and another which seems to have been written by the arse-end of a potions addled Keazle. As you pointed out: I am doing this for you and I am, therefore, entitled to as much grousing as I like.

I will ask Emma to Floo you; she's currently attending some Muggle festival in Suffolk. She's taken Martin with her (apparently it's a sprog-inclusive event) and he's already owled me twice from their luxury yurt. Once to request 4 more house elves to help set up the games room and again to ask if I can come and collect him as his mother is "an embarrassment". Assuming Emma survives the weekend you should be drinking alcoholic syrup together by this time next week.

Tell Daisy I'll be over tomorrow at 6pm and tell Theo he is a brutish oaf who doesn't deserve any of the fantastic women he has surrounded himself with.

Yours schemingly,

Draco

Chapter Text

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Hi Harry,

There's a man lurking in the bushes beneath my window. I would deal with him myself but I've got Terry hemming and sniffing over the accounts; can you please take a look? If he's a parent I think Luna brought in some of her Chill-Con-Kiwi tarts this morning, shove one of those at him and by the time he recovers I'll be done with Terry. If he's a protester Nadine has been working on her miniature Bat Bogey Hexes and was looking for a live subject.

Cheers!

Hermione

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Locked him in the shed, owling Ron now.

Tell Boot he stills owes me 20 sickles. Then tell him that the Magpies are a joke. Then sing "Glory glory Puddlemere! Glory glory Puddlemere! Glory glory Puddlemere! And the Puddles go marching on on on!" Try to do it loudly.

Harry

P.S. I think it's Goyle!! Greg Goyle!! In our shed!!!

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Ron,

Can you send someone over to the school? We've had an intruder (it's Greg Goyle!! He's got a beard!!!). All the wards check-out so I'm not sure how he got in and he's refusing to speak. Brian has offered to interrogate him for you but the older kids watched Casino Royale last night and I think it's given him ideas.

Harry

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Pansy,

Please tell me that Theo did not send Greg over to Scarhead's School for Squibs? A sphincterly-challenged Ministry owl just dropped off a bail request and I can see the Weasel lurking in my waiting room.

Draco

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Darling Draco,

I. Will. Kill. Him. You know I will. I will go to his office, smile at his secretary, make small talk for a bit, then I will Avada Kedavra him. Over and over and over again. Remember when we found out he and Astoria were rubbing up against each other and we came up with a plan to hide his body? The plan is go.

Love and curses,

Pans

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Pansy,

Please stop bringing the house of Slytherin into disrepute by owling your death threats. I've sprung Greg - he grew a beard to prevent our myopic Boy Saviour from recognizing him, a beard, Pans - and have sent Granger a little something to distract her from furthur investigation.

Let me know when you've finished Cruciatusing Theo (try to stop before he loses complete control of his bowls, I've waded through enough metaphorical and actual feces today) and I'll pop by to remind him not to play with other people's toys.

Draco

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Harry,

Can't get over that beard! Currently got Eddie going through the regs to see if we can justify using a shaving charm. Not that I didn't see enough of Goyle's ugly mug at school but how can I be expected to interrogate him when he's sitting there looking like Hagrid's long lost love child? The Ferret posted bail before I could get anything out of him but they're both due in tomorrow. Do you want to sit in?

Ron

 

Tuesday 19th July 2016

Ron,

Fucking Malfoy. Less than two hours after you left he filed a motion to pinch even more of our funding. Probably revenge for you making him go down to the Ministry office, spiteful little tit. He's after the educational grants now, says that the Muggle-born need it more than the Squibs. I know he got into the industry before us but I swear he's only stuck around to piss me off. Motion this morning was delivered by some owl he'd blatantly pinched from the Ministry (bloody thing covered my desk in shit, can't you get them trained or something?) and was addressed to "The Woman Who Saved Us From The Dark Lord And The Boy Who Took The Credit For It". I know he uses Voldemort's real name with everyone else. He only trots out that Dark Lord crap when he's trying to get at me.

Thanks to him Hermione had to spend the whole afternoon at the Wizengamot and I had to take over the little 'uns Geography lesson. Think it was when I heard myself explaining the history of the aqueduct that I really began to appreciate the charm and energy of Professor Binns. At one point Gretel fell asleep and smacked her head off the desk. I did that to her. Mine is the kind of magnetic teaching style that inspires children to club themselves to death.

Don't think I'll sit in, thanks. Let me know what the Ferret has to say and I'll see you tomorrow night for the qualifiers, up the Puddles!

Harry

Chapter Text

Thursday 21st July 2016

Dear Sex Muffin,

On 19th July 2016 a curvaceous corker was being bored to death by a man with terrible taste in Quidditch (Boot). While trying to suppress a yawn (which always makes her tits bounce, most distracting) she noticed another, even more boring and ugly, man hiding in the bushes outside her window (Goyle). Just as she was about to subdue him with one flick of her shapely eyebrows (have I told you recently how sexy your eyebrows are? please stop raising them around my mum, makes things most awkward and confusing) a dashing Auror burst through the door.

The Auror (Ron) was very handsome and suave, without having to put gunk on his hair or read the boring sections of The Prophet. He vanquished the bearded pervert and the boring accountant and then he and the corker went at it on her desk. She had lots of orgasms. She was also very sexy and intelligent and could easily have handled Goyle on her own.

Love and groping,

The office of Ron Weasley, top-notch Auror and ravisher

 

Thursday 21st July 2016

Dear Top-Notch Ravisher,

Fantastic report, very informative. I particularly liked the bit where you talk about my eyebrows. The thing is, and you know I say this with only the greatest appreciation for your skills both as an Auror and in the bedroom: it's a little bit bollocks, isn't it?

I know you think having to file a report with me is a waste of time but the School does actually need a record of all trespassers and, in an ideal world, these reports should not contains the phrase "curvaceous corker", commentary on the pertness of the Headmistress' breasts, or snide jibes at a man whose only real crime is to enjoy watching a different set of men and women twat around on brooms.

As I am, theoretically, opposed to Obliviating my staff on a regular basis please file a proper report. 

Yours with love and a perpetually raised eyebrow,

Sex Muffin

P.S. Sometimes in this life, sweet Ronald, people will support different Quidditch teams to you and it's not a sign of poor intelligence or loss of respect and they probably still love you very much.

P.P.S. We are both joking about Sex Muffin, aren't we? It reminds me of the time we had to talk Luna out of creating DNA-specific Valentine's Day biscuits and I'm perfectly happy with Love or Old Girl.

 

Thursday 21st July 2016

Dear Headmistress Granger,

Please see enclosed report re. incident at Harry Potter's School for Squibs on 19th of this month.

Highlights:

  • Aurors Weasley and Bloom responded to a request for support from the School for Squibs secretary at aprox. 11.45am.
  • A man (later identified as Gregory Goyle) was reported trespassing on school property + confined to a shed by said member of staff.
  • Mr Goyle did not resist arrest + declined to answer questions without a lawyer present.
  • After posting bail Mr Goyle returned to the Ministry on 20th July, accompanied by his lawyer, Mr Malfoy.
  • Mr Goyle explained he had been on school grounds at the request of an unnamed friend.
  • Mr Goyle did not elaborate + was released with a warning.

Should Mr Goyle trespass again please do not hesitate to contact Aurors Weasley and Bloom.

Sincerely,

Auror Weasley,
Auror Division
Ministry of Magic

P.S. Quidditch isn't about love and respect. It's about the mighty Canons crushing the mangy Magpies and me rubbing it in Boot's face. If he's secretly in love with me he's going to have switch teams to be in with a shot.

 

Thursday 21st July 2016

Dear Ron,

Thank you xxx Please confirm that Sex Muffin is off the table?

Hermione 

 

Friday 22nd July 2016

Dear Greg,

I am so so so sorry about Theo. Draco told me that you thought I'd asked you to snoop around the Squib School - lies, it was all Theo. I feel terrible that he tricked you into going on my behalf and that you've ended up with a warning and a beard (although I am rather curious to see it, come to tea tomorrow? Theo will be out with Astoria and the elves will make those scones you like).

Love love love,

Pansy

 

Friday 22nd July 2016

Dear Pansy,

Thank you for the invitation. 3pm alright?

Greg

 

Friday 22nd July 2016

My Darling Draco,

I've had Greg over for tea and sorted the whole thing out. He knows not to take orders from Theo (advice every Witch, Wizard, magical entity, animal, shrub and rock would be advised to follow) and doesn't seem too upset by the warning.

Did he mention to you that before he was discovered he overheard Granger talking about your donation to the school? Seems like Malfoy money is the only thing keeping that place afloat. Are you sure you want to go through with this? Maybe there's an option we've overlooked? Private tutors? Early entrance to Hogwarts? I'm distraught at the idea of Daisy going up there on her own but far far more distraught - if such a thing is possible? - at the idea of you sinking money into an enterprise that won't last long enough to actually be of any use to us.

Love love love,

Pansy

P.S. I know we were giggling most terribly over the idea of Greg with a beard but it does seem to suit him. I said as much and he told me that he'd been looking for an excuse to grow it for a while, something about not looking like his father, maybe you should consider the same?

 

Friday 22nd July 2016

Dearest Pans,

Please stop.

We've already gone over this but to reiterate: Scarhead's School for Squibs is the only place that will support Daisy-darling and allow you to keep an eye on her. That's assuming Theo goes through with his ridiculous scheme to have her tested. He seemed suitably cowed when I spoke to him about Greg so my correspondence with the Boy Who Lived To Bore may be a waste of time but the money to the school is not.

Please note that I have charitably overlooked your trollish attempts to sabotage my enviable face but if you persist in this campaign I will be forced to hex your knickers into a chastity belt.

Yours schemingly,

Draco

Chapter Text

Saturday 23rd July 2016

Dear Mr Mysterious,

Good Morning! It's a bright and breezy day here at School for Squibs. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, the flowers are flowering and all is right with the world! I hope you are as happy as I on this glorious day but such a thing cannot be possible because you do not have Luna Lovegood in your life. Luna is the mother of my children, wife of my best friend, the sunniest, most delightful weirdo who ever walked the world and, most importantly, the only person who can fix our office coffee maker.

For weeks, weeks! I've been stuck drinking Sainsbury's Gold Blend - the kind of instant coffee that will pillage and plunder its way through even the most iron-cast gut. But today, oh wonderful day, Luna turned up with her usual stack of Lime Snurkerdoodles* for the weekend staff and asked, oh so casually, if we'd like her to fix the coffee machine! Ten minutes later I was sipping a steaming cup of Real Coffee. Two hours later I'm slurping down my 6th cup and thought: "you know who would really appreciate this turn of events? My mute pen pal, Mr X!"

All the students are back from Hogwarts and the Muggle schools broke up for the summer holidays this week but our lessons don't finish until next week so most of the kids are going stir-crazy. It's not a great time for the day-students with magical siblings, especially those old enough to use magic at home. To help distract them we're planning a lot of outings over the summer - I'm organising a trip to the Royal Observatory in Greenwich. It's the birthplace of Greenwich Mean Time! And the Meantime Brewery which makes it a lot easier to scrounge up parent supervisors.

There's also going to a day trip to Oxford, two nights in Brighton and multiple cinema trips. The last is extremely important as the boarders still haven't seen Captain America: Civil War and Brian Bradders, our resident political activist, is threatening to turn it into a human rights issue. He's already made badges and started a leafletting campaign. I tried to tell him that badges are the sign of a corrupt spirit but he informed me that badges are a valid and historically significant form of protest and he will defend his badge-maker with his dying breath. Brian can be a little melodramatic.

Well that's it from me. Sorry it's a bit short this week but Gretel just came in and informed me that the coffee machine is smoking.

Yours sincerely,

Harry
Secretary
School for Squibs

*Like Snickerdoodles but made with this weird Polish chocolate that I'm fairly sure the Muggle government had banned.

 

Saturday 23rd July 2016

Harreeeeeeeee!

We were all having dinner at The Burrow and crying because you weren't there (naturally) and something completely wonderful happened! So wonderful I'm almost reluctant to tell you because I want to see your little face but then what if someone else tells you and I missed out on being the first person to reveal that RON CALLS HERMIONE "SEX MUFFIN"!!!!!!!!!

He said it was a joke but I raise my hands to the sky and testify that he called Hermione, Headmistress of Harry Potter's School for Squibs, baddest witch we know and the person who would probably outlive us all in a zombie apocalypse SEX MUFFIN!

Like a muffin that is imbued with sexy properties. Or a highly potent sex goddess who is made entirely out of crumbs and chocolate chips. The possibilities are endless! Luna's already baking up a storm in her honour. This is such a happy day.

Gleefully,

Gin

 

Saturday 23rd July 2016

Sex Muffin!

What a glorious time to be alive. Let's not squander this, we need to get creative. Remember that dance routine Luna and Al came up with for that Lady Gaga song? "la la la something something something won't tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, 'cause I'm bluffing with my muffin" - surely Sex Muffin would appreciate a rendition?

Harry

P.S. Can you please ask Luna to drop by the school tomorrow? Something's gone wrong with the coffee machine. There's red light flashing and the error message says something about overuse but that doesn't make any sense. Why would someone design a coffee machine that can't handle making a few cups of coffee? Hmmmmm?

Chapter Text

Tuesday 26th July 2016

Dear Mr X,

I want to apologise for my last letter to you. I had, as you could probably tell, invested a little too much emotional energy in our office coffee machine and to have it fixed (after such a long time), to taste it's sweet nectar and then to have it taken away in such a short space of time caused a slight fluctuation in my mood. You asked for details of the school, not three sordid paragraphs on my love affair with caffeinated beverages.

With that in mind, here is a proper report from the last week at School for Squibs.

As I mentioned in my letter on Saturday, our school breaks up a week after the Muggle and magical schools. This is partly to give the children still living at home a chance to escape magical siblings. I don't have any brothers or sisters myself but close observation of the Weasley family and my own children has taught me that having an overexcited 3rd year turn your bowl of cereal into a florescent dog turd is irritating regardless of your own magical ability. There you go: another searing insight from Harry Potter, child psychology expert and eagle-eyed observer.

The other reason we break up later is that our students' education has often suffered as a result of their Squib status. It makes me shudder the number of times we've had parents turn up with a child who can barely read, proudly babbling about how 3 years of private magical tuition has left their kid nearly able to cast a Lumos. The extra weeks tacked on the start and end of each term do a bit to catch up on all the things our students have missed and have also been quite useful to the staff who grew up in magical families. Did you know that Muggle children are actually taught things like Maths, Foreign Languages and Art beyond the age of 11? I know! Who would have thought that being able to speak another language or create something beautiful might possibly be useful in later life? Well... Muggles. That's who. Which is a big part of why we mainly teach a Muggle syllabus.

At the end of every school year we have an exhibition for the parents and school's backers. Your invitation is attached, the drawing at the bottom is by Gretel and it is a rainbow, not a penis*. The school band (Roll Over, Kitty) will play and each student has some art work included. This year's contributions are especially diverse; Brian has used found objects to create a series called Apparation Skid Marks which I'm yet to see but our art teacher, Mrs Bland, reassures me that it is "primal".

You really are very welcome to come. I'm afraid that Disillusionment Charms, Polyjuice, etc don't work within the school grounds although we did recently have an intruder attempt to disguise himself by growing a rampant beard. Maybe this is an option for you? Or better yet you could shave off all your facial hair! You'd be surprised how the loss of eyebrows can change a persons appearance. I discovered this recently when the wife (who will remain nameless) of one of my good friends (who will remain nameless) hexed every single hair off her husband's body after he revealed a rather intimate nickname of hers (which it's not worth my life to share, even with a Fidelius Charm) to their extended family.

Well, that's it from me, hopefully see you on Friday!

Harry Potter
Secretary
School for Squibs

*Gretel doesn't like the colours blue, green, yellow, orange or purple and she apparently got bored half way through drawing it, we're still trying to discover which member of staff sent it to the printers.

 

Tuesday 26th July 2016

Gin,

Did you see Ron?!?

Harry

 

Tuesday 26th July 2016

Harry Pot-star,

Yes and I'm terrified.

It would be bad enough to lose the hair on my head (I'm sadly convinced that it's the only way James can distinguish me from Luna, maybe he's inherited your eyesight?) but if I lose my leg hair Luna's horrible friend Gloria (the one who runs a printing press out of the skip opposite her flat) will take it as confirmation that I've finally sold out to "Daddy Patriarchy and his war chest of female self-loathing".

That is a direct quote from the last time she noticed I'd shaved my armpits. I tried to tell her that policing other women's body hair (or lack thereof) makes you a crap feminist but apparently that in itself makes me a crap feminist and after that disastrous dinner where I spent more time talking about my children (shock) and sport (horror) than Derrida I am on very thin ice.

Please don't tell Hermione it was me who told you about S-to-the-uffin? I've managed to get Al to stop singing Poker Face (thanks for that) but if I lose my leg hair I will be forced to drag you down with me. And by down I mean you will be reinstated as my Birthing Partner.

Thanks for the spunk,

Gin Gin

 

Tuesday 26th July 2016

Ginny. I'm not going to dob you in to Hermione but please, for the love of whatever deity Luna is worshipping this week, stop thanking me for donating my sperm. I was happy to do it and the boys are the best thing that's ever happened to me but after 4 years, 3 plastic cups, 2 sons and another bun on it's way, I think it's time to retire that particular sign-off.

Harry

P.S. You know being your Birthing Partner isn't a threat, right? I have been reading lots of books and my Healer has this new potion that basically renders the taker mute for 24 hours and I could make cards (pre-approved by you and Luna) that only say positive things and don't mention aliens or tearing or blood fountains or jam or exorcisms or the Battle of the Somme or tormented souls or robot arms or succubi or anything other than You Are Amazing and I'm So Proud To Know You and Have Some Presents You Valiant Beautiful Beast Of A Woman. Think about it.

Chapter Text

Thursday 28th July 2016

My Darling Pans,

Most beguiling and coveted of witches, a sure descendent of Veelas, the kind of woman for whom Muggles burn giant wooden horses and send their wives on epic sea voyages in honour of (I may be mixing up my mythology here but you get the gist). I am confident that you are awash with plans for Friday but please, dearest friend o’mine, take pity on a poor lovestruck wizard and accompany me to a small gathering tomorrow lunchtime?

Devotedly yours,

Draco

 

Thursday 28th July 2016

Dearest Draco,

Those lines may have worked on me in our 4th year when I was dripping with hormones and swathed in that pink panic attack of a ballgown but life, dear Draco, has taught me 3 bittersweet lessons.

One. Never attempt to sacrifice the Saviour of the Magical World to a man with a penchant for dramatic monologuing, especially not in front of your entire social circle.

Two. Never marry a man whose mother is still alive. Mother-in-laws are best silent, sainted, and interned beneath several tons of concrete.

Three. Never trust a man who invokes Roman mythology to convince you to do anything.

Yours suspiciously,

A woman far too intimately aquatinted with your devious ways.

 

Thursday 28th July 2016

Dear Pans,

My ways are indeed devious but they do, in a roundabout way, serve a higher purpose. I am aware that it is that line of thinking that caused both our families so much trouble in the Second Voldemort War but please hear me out.

Scarhead’s School for Squibs are holding an end of year exhibition of the students’ work and we must, must, attend! Just look at the enclosed invitation! To my endless regret I cannot share the contents of Potter’s latest brain vomit with you but there will be a band, there will be conceptual art, Potter will probably have to make a speech!

When was the last time you and I practised our synchronised jeering? Remember how fabulously our cackles used to harmonise? Pans? Please? For your Draco? Your little Dragon?

On a slightly less plaintive note, it will be an excellent opportunity to inspect the school and you will be able to meet some of Daisy’s potential classmates. I have it on good account that Ollivander is hoping to perfect his new testing spells by the end of next week.

I do not wish to frighten you but we are running out of time to find an option for Daisy-Duck that does not involve experimental surgery or life with Theo’s gorgon of a mother.

Yours with love and hope,

Draco

 

Thursday 28th July 2016

Draco,

Absolutely not. I know you mean well but the last time I was in a room with The Golden Trio (my pen appears to have developed a gag reflex just writing that miserable moniker) I tried to deliver Potter to the Dark Lord!

The details are all there in the first bullet point of my last letter to you. Just in case your mind is clouded with thoughts of “eyes as green as a toad” and “hair as black as a blackboard” and you’ve somehow forgotten the moment I managed to turn every powerful witch and wizard in Magical Britain against me.

Granger will probably hex me on sight and I cannot honestly blame her. Although I would, of course, hex back while using you as a human shield. Pile on the sugary compliments, issue dark threats about Daisy’s future and Theo’s mother but I will not attend Potter’s Krup and Thestral show for all the Galleons in Gringotts.

Pansy

 

Thursday 28th July 2016

Dearest Pans,

Please stop blaming yourself. No one else does, Potter publicly forgave you, Granger sent you an invite to the school’s opening, they have clearly moved on and, for Daisy’s sake, it’s time you did too.

I will ask Blaise to accompany me but will hold out hope that you change your mind.

Love, Draco

Chapter Text

Saturday 30th July 2016

Good Morning Harry,

Nadine has expressed an interest in seeing my laboratory and James would like you to take him to Diagon Alley for the launch of the new Mockingjay Broom. I will drop him off and collect Nadine at 3pm if that suits you?

Yours with love and wonder,

Luna

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Luna,

Excellent plan, both the laboratory and the broom. Can I just check that Nadine will be there to see your experiments in baking, rather than the Snarklesnurf Dimension research? Not that I don’t appreciate and revere the pioneering work you’ve done in that field; its just that Nadine has a very active imagination and, for now, we’re hoping to keep her focused on this plane of existence.

Thanks for coming yesterday, always lovely to see you. The Cautious Coconut Cockroaches were delightful and we've just captured the last one. It was hiding in Mr Sprout’s watering can. I told that kids that the person who captured it got to eat it and now a fierce debate is raging over whether the first person so see it or touch it is the true victor.

Brian tells me that you’ve commissioned a new sculpture from him? His Apparition Skidmark series was slightly more confrontational than many of the board members are used to - I overheard one of them suggesting he make something "less graphic" for the next exhibition - it will be interesting to see how he interprets your brief of "togetherness, harmony, exploration and raisins".

Love,

Harry

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Ron,

I'm taking James to look at brooms today, want to come along?

Harry

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Would love to but I'm tied up writing the report re. you hexing Malfoy. You know he's threatening to sue the Auror Division? Claims we encouraged Slytherin scapegoating by arresting Goyle for lurking outside Hermione's window last week. I'd laugh but I'm too busy shaking my head over Goyle's ongoing commitment to that chin shrub of his - swear it's tripled in size. You think he's using that Magi-grown fertilizer of Neville's on it?

Ron

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Headmistress Granger,

Please see enclosed report re. incident at Harry Potter's School for Squibs on 29th of this month.

Highlights:

  • Aurors Weasley and Bloom responded to a request for support from the School for Squibs secretary at aprox. 1.25 pm.
  • The secretary, Mr Harry Potter, was found to be exchanging hexes with Mr Draco Malfoy, having already placed Mr Gregory Goyle in a Full Body-Bind.
  • Mr Goyle received a warning for trespassing on school property on 21st of this month, see previous report.
  • On the 29th Mr Potter believed Mr Goyle was making another attempt to trespass.
  • Mr Potter subsequently placed Mr Goyle in a Full Body-Bind
  • Mr Goyle claimed he was attending the school's summer exhibition as Mr Malfoy's +1.
  • Mr Malfoy objected to the cursing of Mr Goyle + exchanged hexes with Mr Potter.
  • Aurors Weasley and Bloom separated Mr Malfoy + Mr Potter, confirmed the invitation was authentic + freed Mr Goyle.
  • Investigation is now closed with no charges pending.

If you wish to make any additions or amendments to this report please write them in whipped cream on whatever part of your body is the most easily accessible and submit it to Auror Weasley by the 31st of this month. 

Sincerely,

Auror Weasley,
Auror Division
Ministry of Magic

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Mate, I'm really sorry about the hexing and suing. Have brought you a year's supply of broom polish and a subscription to Quirkily Quidditch to make up for it.

Malfoy is such a tit. If him and Goyle had simply explained why they were there, instead of skulking around the lawn like fucking skulkers I wouldn't have had to hex either of them. No idea how Malfoy got an invitation, or why he'd think bringing Goyle back to the scene of the crime is a good idea. Or why Goyle brought the Roll Over, Kitty album (really didn't peg him as an Afropunk fan).

After you and Bloom left Malfoy spent the rest of the day smarming around the garden. Did you know him and Luna are still mates? Something about that reunification training they went through together after the war. She also said something about him keeping her alive when she was a prisoner at Malfoy Manor but I didn't hear the end of it because fucking Malfoy started talking to Alicia about Terry Pratchett and she got so excited she knocked over Luna's tray of Lavashiously Liqourice Lice and they went everywhere. Gretel ended up climbing onto Goyle's shoulders to get away from one and then insisting he carry her around for the rest of the day. It was actually a bit sweet - she pulled apart her daisy crown and wove it into his beard - but the whole thing was so fucking weird.

Sorry again about the paperwork.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Dastardly Draco,

What on earth were you thinking taking Greg back to that place?!? He ended up in a Full Body-Bind and one of the brats made him promise to take the whole school to his family farm next week. You know how protective he is of his privacy and now, because he's too much of an idiot to refuse anyone anything - yesterday's farce being a case in point - he's going to have 12 screaming, snotting, hooligans swarming all over his house.

Yours in a huff,

Pansy

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Pans,

You act as if I forced Goyle to accompany me but he heard that Blaise was unavailable and he offered, Pans, he wanted to come. Apparently while he was lurking in Granger's flower bed (picture me shuddering at that sentence) he took the time to enjoy the school gardens and wanted a closer look at the greenhouses. In fact, after the initial hexing, I barely saw him he was so busy chatting up the gardener and letting some young vixen named Gretel boss him around. You'd like Gretel, as it goes, she reminds me of 2nd year Pansy Parkinson...

If you're going to go full-Banshee on anyone let it be Potter. The idiot hexed Goyle on sight and would have done the same for me if I hadn't been quick enough with my Shield charms. It was almost like old days, swapping curses with Potter and sending children scurrying in terror. All it needed was an evil megalomaniac holding my family hostage and we could have been back at Hogwarts.

Thankfully the Weasel bumbled over before Potter decided to level the entire school in protest at my presence. Their faces when they realised my invitation was authentic is a memory that will keep me warm in my old age. Potter stomped off, looking like he was about to swallow his own head, and Granger was surprisingly gracious. She gave me a quick tour of the school and even asked after Scorpius and Martin.

Speaking of which, I think I might sign them up for the school's summer classes. They're organising a series of Muggle-themed days out for children from magical families, Squib or otherwise. I could put Daisy's name down as well, if you like? It will probably bore all three of them senseless but you'll get some more time to yourself and, I say this with love, you haven't been quite your ravishing self recently. Let Emma take you to one of those Muggle mud places you like so much and I will keep an eye on Daisy.

Yours schemingly,

Draco

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

My Dear Draco,

Time to myself would be rather nice. Greg mentioned I was looking a little out of sorts when he dropped around for tea with Daisy and I last week. Of course it was Greg so he didn't actually say I looked unwell. He just repeatedly asked if I was alright until I caved and admitted to having a slight headache. Had he been Theo I would have been treated to an hour long monologue on all the ways in which he, Theo, was suffering far more than I would ever know and maybe a few cutting remarks about my weight, lifestyle, etc.

Instead Greg took Daisy outside to play in the garden, giving me a few hours of blissful solitude. If he ever leaves that farm to do anything other than visit the two of us he will make some lucky witch or wizard a very nice husband one day. Do you think one of those gardeners he was flirting with would be interested?

Love love love,

Pans

P.S. I will speak to Theo about the summer classes for Daisy. Wish me luck, she does adore your boys, almost as much as her mother adores their double-dealing Daddy.

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Auror Weasley,

Thank you for your prompt assistance on Friday afternoon and the truly excellent report.

Yours sincerely,

Hermione Granger
Harry Potter's School for Squibs

P.S. We've run out of whipped cream so I've substituted Marmite.

 

Saturday 30th July 2016

I fought a troll for you. At least pretend to consider melted chocolate.

Chapter Text

Sunday 31st July 2016

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!!!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear Harreeeeeee!!

Happy Birthday to you!

Woooooooooo! 3 cheers for the man who once managed to fit 27 chocolate frogs inside his own mouth and only vomited twice after! (also defeated an evil wizard, saved magical kind, etc etc, I don't know, you've been busy, it's difficult to keep track).

Squeezing you forever,

Gin xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (a kiss for every frog and 1 for you x)

 

Happy Birthday Dad. When will my broom get here? Love from James.

 

Happy Birthday Al xxx

 

Dear Harry,

Happy Birthday! Al and I have choreographed a new dance routine in honour of your birthday. It can be performed to either I Get Around by The Beach Boys or Roses by Outkast. Please do let me know which song you prefer.

I am writing this in the garden and a friendly dandelion has taken an interest in the proceedings. He has cosied up to my quill and every time I write the word "birthday" he nods wisely as if he is possession of some knowledge or foresight you and I are not privy to. He is such a cheery little thing, with his proud golden ruff, that I am convinced this will be an especially wonderful birthday and year for you.

Yours with love, peace and wonder,

Luna

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Hi Harry,

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday. 36, when did we get so old? Sorry again that I can't make it tonight, Hannah's taking me midnight mushroom foraging in Brockwell Park. Enjoy the chocolate frogs (remember when Ginny dared you to eat an entire barrel on your 25th birthday and you were sick everywhere? Good times!).

Cheers!

Neville 

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Dear Neville,

Cheers and same to you! Give Hannah my love and I'll drop by the Leaky next week with some birthday cake. Luna's theme this year is "Decadent Corruption" so should be interesting. She's also promised not to use toothpaste in this one after Hannah had that reaction last year. (Seriously though mate, how can someone be allergic to toothpaste?)

Best,

Harry

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Dear Harry,

Happy Birthday! I'm helping Molly set up at The Burrow - so far this has involved making myself a cup of tea and answering Arthur's questions re. the differences between electric toothbrushes and vibrators (don't worry, I'm Obliviating both of us as soon as this letter is finished). George is already setting up the fireworks and Luna has arrived with the cake. It's in 15 different parts and I'm fairly sure she just fired up a blow torch.

Lots of love,

Hermione

P.S. I think Ginny and Luna have had a bit of a spat, maybe you can offer to take James and Al tomorrow night?

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Dear Hermione,

Cheers and yes, I'll take the boys. That's not like them but Gin's been a bit off recently and I'm fairly sure Luna was crying at the exhibition. Wanted to check on her but Malfoy was twatting around with hankies and bottles of water and fucking hugs. Anything else you think we can do for them?

Love,

Harry

P.S. Surely if you Obliviate Arthur he'll just force you to have the entire conversation again?

P.P.S. A dandelion told Luna that this will be an especially good year for me. I'm taking it as a sign that Puddlemere will finally reclaim their rightful place at the top of the league, want to come over with Ron tonight and watch the match? Yeah that's right, Ginny told me you're a secret Puddle!

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Dear Harry,

Short of overthrowing the patriarchal system that demands women takes responsibility for most of the childcare and housework (while simultaneously devaluing both roles) I'm fresh out of ideas. Maybe just a bit of extra babysitting when we can manage it?

Love,

Hermione

P.S. What conversation?

P.P.S. I'm putting my covert Puddle status down to a surge of pregnancy hormones, Ron cannot find out about it and if you tell him I will charm everything you eat to taste like Bubotuber pus and betrayal.

P.P.P.S. It. Is. Your. Birthday. Get. Out. Of. The. Office. You. Sad. Bastard.

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Happy Birthday mate!

I've borrowed the office Pensieve and have got the memory of you eating all those chocolate frogs looping against the shed wall!

Ron

 

Sunday 31st July 2016

Ron

I should have left you at the bottom of that lake.

Harry

Chapter Text

Tuesday 2nd August 2016

Dear Mr X,

Sorry it's been a while. You might have noticed that the School's exhibition didn't exactly go smoothly, if you're the person who got Draco Malfoy with a Tickling Hex I owe you a pint. Just in case you didn't make it to the exhibition - I didn't see any Phantom of the Opera types, but maybe you were lurking behind a tree? - allow me to give you a quick rundown!

The insect themed catering went down a treat although their movements were deemed a little too lifelike by some of our more sensitive patrons. One board member found a Lasciviously Licorice Louse in her cleavage when she got home. I only know this because she has sent me 15 owls on the subject, including a highly detailed diagram of the location where the louse was discovered, a bill for any resulting psychological damage, a Howler from her husband, a Howler from her therapist, two Howlers from herself and (much later in the day) a request for the recipe.

All the children's artwork was fantastic. Brian has already had two commissions and someone brought his entire Apparition Skidmark series within the first 20 minutes. This was rather a relief as not everyone finds Zhu Cheng quite as inspirational as Brian and a few of the children refused to come into the garden while the sculptures were still on display.

My speech went well (Hermione Headmistress Granger insists I make one at the end of every year). My son James was keeping track and he reported that I only said "umm" 12 times, "fuck" 3 times, "aha! no..." 5 times and "oh bugger it all" once. A marked improvement on last year!

We also had the opportunity to witness the Rare Albino Ferret in it's unnatural environment. This specific breed of Ferret is a vicious animal that will lash out without provocation, it is easily recognisable due to it's permanently constipated expression and the eau-du-evil it gives off. Draco Malfoy (to give the Rare Albino Ferret it's Latin name) has been heavily involved in Muggle rights and outreach since the war but what the papers fail to capture is just how bloody annoying he is.

When Hermione Headmistress Granger and I decided to set up School for Squibs I actually thought Malfoy might want to let bygones be bygones (hahahaha) and work together (hohohohohohoho). Muggles, Muggle-born and Squibs face a lot of the same prejudices and so, naive pup that I was, I thought Malfoy and I could put our differences aside and pool our resources. Bury the hatchet some place that isn't the other's back, so to speak. I sent him an owl saying as much and he, Draco Malfoy, committed campaigner and "reformed" dickhead bigot completely ignored me. Not a word. Nothing.

Since then his giant throbbing ego has blocked me and Hermione Headmistress Granger at every turn. Increased funding for the School? Malfoy decides he needs it to run a Muggle resettlement program. Debate on Squibs' rights to magical legal representation? Malfoy wants to debate the higher voting age for Muggle-borns. We launch a campaign to raise awareness of discrimination against Squibs in magical workplaces? Malfoy launches a bigger campaign raising awareness of Muggle-born contributions to the war. None of these are bad campaigns but if he could just talk to us for two fucking shitting bloody minutes we'd get so much more done.

On Friday, after years marking time as a boil on my arse, he swans into the School Gardens wearing Muggle clothes and what I'm sure were colour contact lenses (who has silver eyes? no one, that's who). Not only does he have the audacity to turn up with what was clearly a fake invitation but he stays for hours. Chatting to the kids - the very same children he's repeatedly implied don't deserve our help - smarming all over the staff and tossing his stupid haircut around.

I'm going to have to stop now and tell you about the rest of the weekend after tonight's protest but this has been rather nice. Ranting to you. Hermione Headmistress Grange'r has heard it all before but you're probably laughing at all my jokes and nodding gravely at all my insights like a true mate. We should do it again some time!

Yours sincerely,

Harry Potter
Secretary
School for Squibs

Chapter Text

Wednesday 3rd August 2016

Dreamy Draco,

Are you available to escort Daisy and I to Madame Malkins this afternoon? I know you are very busy with work but if you could be powerful and ruthless on the subject of cashmere vs. silk-cashmere blend I would be eternally grateful. Daisy has entered what I'm hoping will be a temporary naked phase and has rejected everything in her wardrobe. While I would love to be one of those bohemian mothers who dresses herself in hemp and refuses to give her children surnames but I must admit that my establishment roots are showing. I want her clothed.

Theo has already made all requisite jokes about my own disrobing throughout 5th, 6th and 8th year (they all boil down to: my wife, what a slut!! hur hur hur) so save yourself the trouble. Not that you couldn't snark him into the sea but I am pressed for time and could do with a quick answer.

Love love love,

Pans

 

Wednesday 3rd August 2016

Dear Mrs Nott,

I regret to inform you that Mr Malfoy will be unable to join you and Daisy at Madame Malkins this afternoon.

Yours sincerely,

Toby Higgsborn

Personal Assistant
Draco Malfoy
Malfoy & Associates

 

Wednesday 3rd August 2016

Dear Toby Jug,

Do stop being so dismally formal. You cannot sign off with "yours sincerely" when writing to a woman who has changed your nappies and did tequila shots off your mum's cleavage last New Years Eve.

What is wrong with Draco? Is he in a huff with me or have you staged an intervention?

Love and kisses for your peachy bum,

Pansy

 

Wednesday 3rd August 2016

Sorry Aunt Pansy.

It's an intervention.

Forget waking up on the wrong side of the bed, he must have woken up on the wrong side of the Veil this morning. We've already had two members of staff quit and one of the interns developed a chronic nosebleed after having to share the lift with him for 3 floors.

I'm checking all his incoming owls and he's off to the Wizengamot this afternoon. He was muttering something about people being ungrateful and how Latin should be taught in Muggle schools. I'm seriously considering slipping a Sweet Dreams into his tea - what do you think?

Tobs xx

 

Wednesday 3rd August 2016

Dear Toby,

Good call on the intervention although in my experience it's best to let him roar himself into a stupor, rather than drug him against his will. Did you find the owl that set him off? I'll drop by tomorrow to see if he's calmed down and get the gossip.

Love love love,

Pansy

 

Wednesday 3rd August 2016

Dear Aunt Pansy,

I found the owl but there's there must be a privacy Charm in place. It just looks like crumbled piece of parchment with lots of coffee stains. Although Mr Malfoy has annotated it a bit; "self-righteous son of a hedgehog", "burn in Fiendfyre", "more like boil on my arse", etc etc but I've seen him write practically the same thing in his Christmas cards so it's not much help.

Tobs xx

Chapter Text

Thursday 4th August 2016

Mr Potter,

I asked for a weekly letter from yourself in the (apparently futile) hope that it would give me some insight into the politics and personalities involved in your school. At no point did I ask for character assassinations, snide accusations, slander, gossip or the rather detailed diagram you sent re. The Puddlemere United Chaser formation.

Please restrict yourself to updating me on the progress of the students, the current protests outside Ollivanders and any other information that is pertinent to the running of the school.

Mr X

P.S. Grogan and Baker are carrying Smith and that's unlikely to change unless Dulwich breaks his dependency on the Hawkshead Formation. He's been a broken man since Wood deserted (yes, deserted!) for the Quiberon Quafflepunchers and the Chasers are bearing the brunt of that.

P.P.S. May I draw your attention to the legendary Orion Piddlington who captained England in 1453 and was considered to be somewhat of a heartthrob due to his flashing silver eyes.

 

Thursday 4th August 2016

Dear Mr X,

I apologise for the tone and content of my last letter; future communications will be restricted to the topics you suggest.

1. The students are all enjoying their summer holidays. Unfortunately one of the guests at the exhibition heard that Alicia is a Discworld fan and recommended she watch Choosing to Die the BBC documentary Terry Pratchett was involved in prior to his death on the subject of assisted suicide. The staff member on duty that night apparently misheard the title as Choosing to Fly, thought it was about Quidditch and allowed it to be played at Tuesday night's film screening. The result was 10 hysterical teenagers, simultaneously demanding that the School incorporate euthanasia into our manifesto (I believe Headmistress Granger provided you with a copy?) and that we mount a campaign for The Colour of Magic to be included on the national syllabus.

The debates around this are ongoing but at least our visit to the Royal Observatory went very well and the week after next we launch our official summer school. The idea is to encourage children from magical families to interact with the Muggle world, while giving our own students a chance to make friends with witches and wizards their own age.

The children (we have 15 signed-up so far) will be partnered up and at the end of the fortnight each pair does a presentation on some aspect of Muggle culture. Last year's topics included 101 Muggle Alternatives to Pumpkin Juice and Harry Potter and The Chamber of Farts (I made the mistake of insisting we take the Charing Cross branch of the Northern Line to reach Bank during the morning rush and they really held a grudge).

2. Our members of staff have attended the protests outside Ollivanders as concerned individuals but not in an official capacity. We are planning a School protest (including some of the older students) if he does launch his promised range of Magical Ability Calibration Charms. But as, until now, all attempts to estimate a child's magical ability before the age of 11 have been either dangerous or ineffective Headmistress Granger and I remain hopeful that Mr Ollivander Snr can be reasoned with. I will let you know if there are any further developments that might impact the school.

Sorry again and best wishes,

Harry Potter
Secretary
School for Squibs

P.S. Oliver Wood did not desert Puddlemere. The man is a fantastic Quidditch player who was not being utilized or appreciated by the cauldron-headed management who wouldn't know a good Keeper if he flew up their nose (I am aware that no good Keeper would do this, unless there was a human vs. giants match? Has that even happened before? It must have. Mustn't it? I think it probably has, my statement stands!).

P.P.S. I am really very sorry that I offended you. I meant what I said; it's actually been quite nice writing these letters, I never really had anyone to write to at Hogwarts (although Molly Weasley would always add a P.S. for me at the end of Ron and Ginny's letters) and everything else I write at the minute is very dry admin stuff for the School or legal challenges to The Prophet. If you did decide to keep replying to my letters I wouldn't mind that, especially now that I know you're a Puddle!

 

Thursday 4th August 2016

Mr Potter,

I accept your apologies and thank you for the update. I fear it will be a bit too close to the bone for some of your students but Alicia might enjoy Philomena. It is a Muggle film, based on a mother's attempts to find the son she was forced to give up for adoption. There are some very moving scenes around the theme of forgiveness that seem particularly pertinent to our post-war world.

Sincerely,

Mr X

 

Thursday 4th August 2016

Dear Harry,

Are you ok? I saw you crying in your office when I went out for lunch. I know we're all very busy at the minute and the week after your birthday tends to be a bit grim but Ron and I are always here for you.

Lots of love,

Hermione

 

Thursday 4th August 2016

Dear Hermione,

That's a bit embarrassing but don't worry about the tears.

I pissed off our shadowy benefactor by going off on one about ferrets and contact lenses - rather than keeping him updated on the school - and he took his revenge by recommending a film so sad that I was in danger of crying my own eyeballs out of their sockets. Realized I haven't cried since the war, probably good for the ol'ducts to give them a rinse now and then!

He actually recommended it for Alicia so I'm going to send it over to her now, you want me to remind her about next week's BAMF meeting?

Love,

Harry

 

Thursday 4th August 2016

Dear The-Most-Lovably-Irritating-Man-In-The-World,

So you're saying that rather than worry that one of my best friends is having a normal reaction to a stressful week I should instead be worrying that my business partner is still pissing off our mysterious sugar daddy and has started watching films in the middle of the working day when he's supposed to be auditing the staff expenses?

Love from,

The-Pregnant-Lady-From-Whom-You-Are-Stealing-The-Will-To-Live

 

Thursday 4th August 2016

Oh ye of little faith,

The expenses are audited and on your desk.

Count this as your monthly reminder that we are not at Hogwarts anymore and you really don't need to worry about me doing my homework!

Harry

  

Thursday 4th August 2016

Hey lovely lovely Jane,

Do you happen to know where the staff expense claims are? Just curious, never mind if it's too late but please do let me know ASAP, whenever is good for you, as soon as you can.

Thanks!

Harry

Chapter Text

Sunday 7th August 2016

Dear Mr X,

Thanks for recommending Philomena, Alicia and I are now emotionally impaired shadows of our former selves. In a good way. I've decided not to share it with the rest of the School as that Choosing to Die mess is still rumbling on and one of the students (Nadine) has declared that until euthanasia is legal in the UK she will only communicate via interpretative dance. Yesterday she got so caught up in asking for an extension on her History homework that she threw her own shoulder out and broke two of the School windows.

Speaking of repairs to the School: we've finally got someone in to fix the boys' dormitory roof! It's been leaking for months and some of the older boys started a petition for gills to be added to their necks in protest. Headmistress Granger has a soft spot for petitions so she nearly capitulated and a big part of our mission here is to avoid transforming our students into medical curiosities. Just to be clear: the whole dormitory was protected by umbrella charms and the boys barely noticed the leak until Brian read The Road to Wigan Pier and decided to kickstart a career in shit-stirring. He really is a terrifying young man who might actually change the world one day.

It looks like I spoke too soon in my last letter to you: we've had an anonymous tip that Ollivander will be advertising his Magical Ability Calibration Charms next week. Did you see today's Prophet? Can't believe I'm writing this (especially after the exhibition) but Draco Malfoy's column re. the dangers of testing like Ollivander's was a very pleasant surprise. I expected him to just ignore it or use rumours of the launch to draw attention to his Muggle-Born initiatives. But no! Flat out rejection of the charms, warnings about the danger of imposing magical classifications too soon, brilliant! I almost wrote to tell him as much but figured he'd probably take it for sarcasm (assuming he believes I'm capable of even the lowest form of wit) or just incinerate the letter and accompanying owl, sight unseen.

Headmistress Granger is organizing an official protest outside Ollivander's tomorrow, can you make it? Luna has promised us a batch of Protesting Pana Cottas, which she assures me are equally effective as meals or missiles. It'll be on Diagon Alley so you'll be able to use a glamour and after the hurricane of tears Philomena produced both Alicia and I would like to meet the man who broke us.

Well, that's a foot of parchment and I've got babysitting duties, hopefully see you tomorrow!

Harry

 

Sunday 7th August 2016

Dear Emma,

How are you? I've signed Martin up for the School for Squibs Muggle Daytrips as discussed. They've asked for him to arrive at 10am on Wednesday with a packed lunch and every week day at 9am until the 20th. Scorpius and Daisy will be attending as well.

I'm hopeful that Daisy's presence means Theo is rethinking Ollivander's testing. As far as I can tell the Notts have financed the entire sordid enterprise but Theo has always been a bit more independent than his craven little brother (whose children were the test subjects, makes my father look positively Atticus Finch-like). Keep your fingers crossed!

All my best wishes,

Draco

 

Sunday 7th August 2016

Dear Draco,

Thanks so much for placing my only son into the care of the man you spent our entire marriage dismissing as an idiot, an egoist and the grossest of incompetents. Can't wait to see how many different pieces of Martin we get back ;) Seriously though, well done on getting Theo to agree. Pans and me are going to use our child-free week to drink the Malfoy cellars dry!

xoxo

Emma

 

Sunday 7th August 2016

Astoria,

Scorpius will be attending the School for Squibs Muggle Daytrips; 10th-20th of this month.

Best,

Draco

 

Sunday 7th August 2016

Draco

Please do not contact me again, Theo is happy to pass along any messages you have re. our son.

Your thankfully ex-wife,

Astoria

 

Sunday 7th August 2016

My darling Pans,

I'll send Toby over to help you and Daisy move your things to the Manor on Tuesday. You'll be in the East wing, Emma and Martin are staying over the weekend and I've got Scorpius until the end of the month.

I wouldn't normally have bothered contacting Astoria directly but for some reason I am in an exceptionally good mood today and sent out an olive branch. Note the sunny tone, I even said "best"! Her reply is enclosed. I know she was somewhat absent throughout our marriage but do you think that she's somehow forgotten that I'm a lawyer? Or that Theo can barely be trusted to keep his own spine erect, let alone with the daily minutia of Scorpius' life?

It certainly looks like they are still living in each others pockets, maybe it's worth giving some serious thought to making this temporary separation from Theo a permanent one?

Yours schemingly,

Draco

Chapter Text

Monday 8th August 2016

Good Morning Everyone,

Today's update is slightly longer than usual due to the various events we've got scheduled this week. If I've missed anything please do let me know and can we, please, for the love of our soft furnishings if not your beleaguered Headmistress; stop using the Ministry owls for internal correspondence? I'm aware that there have been quite a few of them fluttering around this week and they are disturbingly easy to steal but, deluded dreamer that I am, I honestly believe that we can best serve our students by not covering their school in bird feces. Until the Ministry starts properly toilet-training their owls let's stick to sharing Agatha.

All the best,

Hermione Granger
Headmistress
Harry Potter's School for Squibs

1. Monday. Protest outside Ollivander's at 11am. The Portkeys will be ready to leave from the entrance hall at exactly 10.30am. 4 students per adult, parents and supporters are meeting us there and a show of strength is vital. Nadine is still eschewing verbal communication so please keep an eye on her and make sure that the spirit of dance does not compel her to smash any more windows. On a related note: Brian has been suspiciously quiet and his badge-maker is missing from the craft cupboard. Let's keep our wits about us and remember; constant vigilance.

2. Wednesday. The Muggle Daytrips begin. Students arrive at 10am and will leave for The Natural History Museum at 11am. Harry is coordinating all their dietary requirement, travel quirks, allergies, etc. If you've volunteered to be a child-supervisor for any of the trips please pop by his office to pick up the revised schedule. If you've volunteered to a parent-supervisor the same applies and I owe you a very, very, big drink. Maybe two. We're hoping to avoid a repeat of last year but, once again, constant vigilance!

3. Wednesday evening. We will be hosting the monthly BAMF (British Association of Magical Friends) meeting. Guest speakers are Blaise Zabini reporting on his experience observing Muggle and Magical #BlackLivesMatter activists in North America and Lee Jordan who will speak about the ways consumers can advocate for a more diverse and representative Magical media. Between 20 and 30 attendees are expected, the caterers are arriving at 5pm and after a quick check this morning I think the wards leading to the children's dormitories, offices, etc will need to be strengthened. If it's your turn (Harry has the rota) please try to get it done by 4pm at the latest.

Re. this last point. Please do not mistake the inclusion of BAMF on this update as an opportunity to reopen the debate re. acronyms. I am aware that, yes, the name is pants but anyone eager to discuss the use of BAME vs. People of Colour vs. Multiracial vs. Visible Minorities will have to wait until I've finished ingesting my own fist. This may take a while. If you have any (genuine) questions re. the organization please contact chairperson: Padma Patel.

4. Harry Watch reports that Mr. Potter has now worked until 11pm for 15 nights in a row, including on his own birthday. This is a new record for The Boy Who Lived To Work Himself To Death. If any of you spot him in the office after 6pm please eject him by any means necessary.

5. Jacob has requested permission to set up an Anti-Bullying Society. The purpose will be to ensure that bullying within the school does not become a problem and to work with similar organizations at both Magical and Muggle Schools. I think that this is a very good idea and was hoping someone could volunteer to supervise them. At the minute this will involve making sure that Brian does not elect himself as the society chairperson, president, secretary and treasurer (we don't want a repeat of what happened to the Chess Club) and potentially supervising trips to other schools. Harry is excluded from volunteering in line with point 4. and our collective desire for him to live to see Puddlemere reclaim the Quidditch Cup (or at least the birth of his next child).

 

Monday 8th August 2016

Dear Hermione,

Please tell me that Harry Watch is just a (very creepy) charm you've placed on my office and you haven't actually got people spying on me.

Yours,

The Boy Who Lived To Be Persecuted By Hermione Jean Granger

 

Monday 8th August 2016

Dear Harry,

You are right. It is completely unacceptable that you find yourself unable to work 20 hours a day without people worrying about you. Why did we even bother fighting Voldemort if you were still going to be persecuted in this manner?

Yours,

Hermione

P.S. We've had 3 late applications for the Muggle Daytrips; Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, Martin Briggs-Malfoy and Daisy Narcissa Nott. Yes, you read those surnames correctly.

 

Monday 8th August 2016

Witch

P.S. This can't be real. It's probably just going to be Malfoy, Goyle and Parkinson polyjuiced, if you distract them I can cast a Revelio as they walk through the door.

 

Monday 8th August 2016

Baddest one you know.

P.S. If I catch you casting anything at those children I will buy James and Al separate subscriptions to the Weasleys' Wizard Weezes Marauders Monthly Mayhem Manual.

Chapter Text

Tuesday 9th August 2016

Hi Gin,

Really sorry but can you take the boys tonight? Fucking Malfoy just turned up claiming that his son Martin is allergic to orange, yellow, and brown food and I'm having to rethink all the menus.

Sorry again.

Harry

 

Tuesday 9th August 2016

What? What kind of an allergy is that? Is it some pigment in certain types of orange/yellow/brown food colouring? Or does the Malfoy spawn reject them on a purely aesthetic basis? What about chocolate? And chicken nuggets? Also why do you have to care? I thought all the kids have to bring packed lunches? Luna has decided to theme James and Al's lunches around those Muggle horoscopes. Day 1 is Aries so she's made goat sandwiches; they're actually really good but Al keeps whimpering about the Billy Goats Gruff.

Gin xxx

 

Tuesday 9th August 2016

I don't know!

We were having a kickabout in the garden when he turned up and, to be fair, I was covered in mud, soaking wet, bright red in the face, old tshirt, probably looking like a drowned rat. But it's not like I look like that all the time! He's seen me in normal clothes! Of course it's ridiculous to think that Malfoy might have any perspective, probably thought I'd dressed that way just to spite him. Even though he turned up without an appointment. When I walked in the front door he froze and looked at me like I was a Crup that'd been out rolling in it's own shit. I give him a wave, say I'll be with him in a minute, and he just fucking blinks at me.

Blink

Blink Blink

Blink Blink Blink Blink

Blink Blink

Blink

Blink

Blink

Blink Blink Blink

Blink

"Potter"

Then he starts babbling about how Martin can't eat orange food, then it's yellow food, then brown food, and by the end I've had to fill in 3 new forms and promise to reorder all the menus. Fucking hell!

Sorry for the rant,

Harry

P.S. The kids still need packed lunches but we're taking them out to dinner a couple of times, nothing fancy. Probably one of those build your own pizza places. But wait! Oh no, can't do that because cheese is fucking yellow and pizza crust is fucking brown!

 

Tuesday 9th August 2016

Dear Emma,

I am looking forward to seeing you and Martin on Saturday, would you like me to open the Blue Room for you or do you prefer to bunk with Pans? Martin will be in with Scorpius as usual.

All my best wishes,

Draco

P.S. A bit silly but I told Potter that Martin is allergic to brown, orange and yellow food so please make sure that nothing in those colours ends up his lunchbox. Like I said, a silly thing but if you could play along I'd appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

 

Tuesday 9th August 2016

Draco, what the fuck? Firstly, that's medically impossible. B. Do you have any idea how difficult that will be? What about chocolate? I've already got him some of those mini-Lion Bars he likes and replacing them with an apple will not cut it. Three. Why would you say that? It's one thing to try and piss off Potter but don't use your own son to do it.

Emma

BTW Blue Room would be good, Pans snores when she drinks and I need my beauty sleep ;) xoxo

 

Tuesday 9th August 2016

Dear Emma,

I am so very sorry. It was, for once, not an attempt to annoy Potter. I went to the school this morning to drop off Daisy's Epi Pen ahead of tomorrow and something distracted me (don't ask me what because I honestly cannot remember), I forgot why I was there and came up with the food allergy excuse. Do you think it would help if I spoke to Martin?

Yours remorsefully,

Draco

 

Tuesday 9th August 2016

Dear Draco,

Fine. I'll make sure Martin's packed lunch doesn't give the game away but you're dealing with the temper tantrums. Silly sod, I'm looking forward to seeing you too.

xoxo

Emma

Chapter Text

Sunday 14th August 2016

Dear Mr X,

What a week.

Every year Hermione and I promise ourselves that we're going to take a break over the summer and every year we schedule "just one more" event at the school. This year that extra event will be Hermione giving birth in the staff room because she's too busy reworking the summer school syllabus to notice her waters breaking. We've now agreed to host the Quibblers' monthly editorial meetings while their offices are de-ghouled, expanded the Muggle day trip scheme I mentioned in my last letter to you and allowed Nadine and Brian to organize a spoken word festival entitled Word Vomit (I've been told that my Helium-assisted version of Hoggy Hoggy Hogwarts will not be part of the programme).

As if all that wasn't enough I took one day (one day!) off work, only find that my staff calendar has been corrupted in a most sinister way and we are now planning a camping weekend at Greg Goyle's farm. It's not that I have anything against Slytherins; despite what you may have read in the revised Hogwarts History they weren't all Voldemort supporters and, to be honest, any party without them is a write off. I am a bit uneasy that the more antagonistic members of that house are suddenly so interested in the school, especially as Malfoy has spent the last few years trying to get us shut down.

It's one thing to have drinks with someone like Blaise Zabini a couple of times a month (great bloke, if you ever get the chance ask him about the time Millicent Bulstrode tried to set him up with a Firecrab Breeder, spoiler alert: it involves 15 flame-farting crustaceans with voyeuristic tenancies). It's another thing to suddenly be responsible for the children of pretty much every Slytherin I went to school with; especially with all the recent accusations of "anti-Slytherin bias" floating around. They're all signed their kids up for our Muggle day trips and every time one of the kids so much as stands near a stiff breeze or looks at an open flame I have to do the mental equivalent of breathing into a paper bag. One of the children noticed this slightly irrational response and started calling me "Hawwy" (the child in question has lost enough milk teeth to produce a rather adorable lisp). As a nickname it's proved popular and now even my own sons have started using it. The indignity of going from "Dad" to "Hawwy" as a direct result of my son's friendship with Scorpius Malfoy cannot be overstated.

OK, reading this back it seems like my life isn't quite the odyssey of pain it felt like when I started this letter. Assuming you got this far without falling asleep or swearing off all future communication, here are a couple more updates from the school:

Nadine has started talking again. She's one of our more magically-able students, although her abilities are so far restricted to transforming objects into animals. These transformations are generally non-verbal and reflect her emotional state; the month she spent as a vegetarian was rather hard on all of us as any meat at the dinner table would regain it's original form. When she took her vow of silence it seemed to intensify her magical abilities and as she's currently preoccupied with the Muggle government's stance on euthanasia the transformations have moved on from hedgehogs appearing whenever she loses her hairbrush to every car in the (extremely Muggle) street turning into a Thestral. Nadine panicked when she realized the Thestrals were inclined to rampage and she broke her vow of silence long enough to have Hermione call in the Obliviators. The Thestrals have been sent to Hogwarts and all the previous car owners in our street are convinced that they are committed cyclists. There's even talk of petitioning the Muggle council for more bike parking.

One of our students, Jacob, has started an Anti-Bullying Society for the school. The society was originally meant to help raise awareness and offer support to students who've experienced bullying. Unfortunately the member of staff assigned to oversee their first meeting called in sick and we were unaware that the meeting had been co-opted by our resident political activist: Brian. Apparently Brian made an impassioned speech about freedom and two hours ago Jacob dropped by to inform me that they are planning to found an International Criminal Court for the prosecution of bullies whose own schools are incapable of or unwilling to deal with them.

Well I hope this was interesting and that you've had a good weekend.

Harry

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Astoria,

The fact that Scorpius' secondary teeth are yet to make an appearance is becoming a cause for concern. The Malfoys may have plundered and pillaged our way across Europe and gamely followed a nasally challenged egomaniac into battle, twice, but our enunciation has always been flawless.

I have arranged for a Healer to attend the Manor on Monday for a consultation. You are welcome to attend.

Best,

Draco

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Draco,

If I catch you saying or doing anything to make our son self-conscious about his lisp I will finish what Harry Potter started with that halfhearted Sectumsempra.

Thankfully no longer yours,

Astoria

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Astoria,

I have informed Scorpius that the Healer is taking photos of his (remaining) teeth to demonstrate their superior nature to other Magical children who are not as conscientious as he is about flossing. Scorpius seemed very satisfied with this story and has spent the entire morning admiring his one remaining canine in a small hand mirror.

I do, however, share your worry that he may become self-conscious; when I went to collect him from the School for Squibs on Friday Albus Potter was impersonating Scorpius' tendency to lisp and repeatedly referred to him as "Thcorpiuth". We both have first-hand experience of how cruel children can be and I want to make sure that our son is not left exposed to mockery or derision at the hands of a future Gryffindor.

Best,

Draco

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Draco,

Talk to your son before casting aspersions and making unnecessary medical appointments on his behalf. Albus (or "Albutt" as Scorpius gleefully calls him) is Scorpius' friend. We always knew that our children would pay for your own and your father's mistakes but it could well be that a friendship with Albus will help protect Scorpius from real bullying later on in life.

Leave Scorpius, and his teeth, alone.

Astoria

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Potter Dear Potter Dear Mr Potter Harry My Good Sir Potter

Mr Potter,

I wish to apologise for any confusion that may have arisen re. the nature of our sons' friendship. When I arrived at your school on Friday I was under the impression that Albutt was taunting Scorpius by mimicking his lisp. I have since been informed by my son that this was "banter" and that the two boys have in fact become good friends. I therefore wish to rescind any and all accusations I may have made about your abilities as an educator, a parent, a member of the Magical community, a carer, a man, and a sentient being.

Yours in good faith,

Draco Malfoy

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Malfoy,

It would be a lot easier for me to accept your apology if you hadn't referred to my son as "Albutt".

Harry Potter

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Mr Potter,

After 6+ years of my best work you surely know that I am capable of far more vindictive and creative insults than inserting the word "butt" into your son's name. Just in case any doubt remains, however, please accept my assurances that "Albutt" was a slip of the quill and not intended as a slight.

Yours in good faith,

Draco Malfoy

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Malfoy,

Your "best work" included charming badges to say "Potter Stinks" and laughing about the fact that my parents were murdered. Forgive me but "Albutt" seems about your level. Thankfully I've met Scorpius and know that he's already a far more pleasant and humourous child than his dad was at school. Otherwise I would be very concerned about Albutt spending so much time with him.

Harry Potter

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Potter,

Setting aside the fact that you clearly hold onto a grudge like a Crup in heat and should be grateful that my son deigns to befriend your yowling spawn; please can we take a moment to acknowledge that you called your own son "Albutt"?

Malfoy

 

Sunday 14th August 2016

Malfoy,

Let's call this one a draw.

Potter

Chapter Text

Friday 19th August 2016

Dear Mr Potter,

Thank you for your ongoing updates.

I have given Nadine's misaligned magic a lot of thought. The whimsical nature you describe and her interest in dance and spoken word performance suggest that she would be well suited to the ongoing collaboration between various Muggle film industries and the Magical world. Their work has lead to the development of Conjured Glittering Illusions (CGI) which, with further instruction, matches both Nadine's Magical and Muggle skillsets. I do not personally have any connections to recommend you but there is a branch of the Magical-Muggle Intercommunication and Learnings Foundation (MILF) who may be able to assist in finding Nadine work experience and, potentially, a mentor.

I look forward to your next update and to hearing your thoughts on the news that Oliver Wood is involved in negotiations with Puddlemere management.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Dear Marjorie,

Mr Malfoy has been informed that Harry Potter's School for Squibs may be making inquires re. work experience for a student. The student in question is a Squib, first name Nadine, second name not currently known, and Mr Malfoy wishes to be updated on her progress. If you could arrange that we would be very grateful.

All the best,

Zacharias Smith

Office Manager
Malfoy & Associates

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Zach

Please remind Mr Malfoy that his work with MILF is strictly limited to political lobbying and legal advice. He is not required to involved himself in individual cases, especially as it's due to his prior interference that we no longer work with Squibs.

I will not be taking time out of my busy day to update Mr Malfoy, especially as these updates would involved flouting the MILF bylaws that he personally insisted upon.

Marjorie Craymore

Head of Cultural Outreach
Youth Division
Magical-Muggle Intercommunication and Learnings Foundation

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Marjorie,

I know that Mr Malfoy was ultimately responsible for the MILF's decision to stop working with Squibs.

And I know that you know that Mr Malfoy was strong armed into that by certain not-to-be-named high profile supporters who were happy to be seen publicly endorsing Magical-Muggle unity but who privately did not wish their MILF donations to be used to help Squibs.

And you know that I know that you know that Mr Malfoy did the best he could at the time to minimize the impact of those bylaws without losing MILFs funding.

And I know that you know that I know that you know that Mr Malfoy has been trying to finding alternative sources of funding for the last 5 years so that MILF can go back to working with Squibs.

We know all these things about each other but the one thing I don't know right now is if you are going to work with Mr Malfoy to support this Squib student, or if you are going to stay up on your Tall Centaur, acting like you've never had to make a compromise in order to keep the Foundation running.

Yours,

Zacharias (never "Zach") Smith

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Zach

I've instructed my staff to reroute all requests from the School for Squibs via my desk and I will inform Mr Malfoy when/if this mysterious Nadine appears.

On an unrelated note: if you ever speak to me like that again I will Floo over to my mother's house, climb into the attic, sift through 40+ years of junk and precious memories, unearth my Hogwarts textbooks, finding the hex my best friend Denise and I spent all of 6th year developing, return to the office and use said hex to turn your testicles into dental floss for my favourite Crup.

Yours,

Marjorie

 

Saturday 20th August 2016

Dear Mr Potter,

It occurs to me that you may be reluctant to contact MILF due to their policy of non-cooperation with Squibs. While this policy is, unfortunately, still in place I have been told that certain parties are lobbying for more Ministry support of the foundation which will in turn mean that they are no longer reliant on funding from anti-Squib factions. There are a lot of pro-Squib witches and wizards working at MILF and I am confident that they will be delighted to work with Nadine.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

P.S. It does appear that the rumours about Mr Wood rejoining Puddlemere are about to be confirmed. The Pertinacious Puddles Newsletter says that they've agreed to all his terms and the only thing to be decided on is the actual transfer date. What are your thoughts on this development?

 

Saturday 20th August 2016

Harreeeeeeeeee!

Just caught the word from Angelina that Oliver Oh-You-So-Wood is coming back to Puddlemere! Are you all aflutter? Is your heart racing as little pink hearts dribble out of your eyes and you carve HP 4 OW 4EVA IDST onto your desk?

Gin

 

Saturday 20th August 2016

Hermighty,

Oliver Wood is coming back to Puddlemere! Have you told Ron about your covert Puddle status yet? Because now might be the time, with Wood back the Puddles actually have a chance at the cup and I'm not sure Ron will be feeling especially forgiving if they trash the Cannons and then his own wife admits that she owns not one but two Puddlemere berets.

Gin Gin xxxx

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Mr Potter,

You appear to have forgotten this week's update or to reply to any of my owls.

Mr X

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Hi Ron,

What's going on with Harry and Hermione?

I owled both of them yesterday to celebrate Oliver Wood coming back to Puddlemere and neither of them has replied. I want to believe that Harry's silence is due to a surge in Wood-related hormones and he's currently catatonic or laying siege to the Puddlemere United changing rooms but that doesn't account for Hermione. Considering the last time she left an owl unanswered she was performing memory modification charms on her own parents and preparing to spend a year in a tent with the two gassiest teenage boys ever to pollute the halls of Hogwarts I'm getting a bit worried.

Ginny x

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Hi Gin,

1. Harry and I were not that bad at school and Hermione enjoyed camping with us. Apart from the whole constantly being stalked by death thing. She told me so herself, multiple times, and the reason she spent so much time outside the tent was because she was keeping watch and loves the great outdoors.

2. Hermione owled me on Thursday night to say that something had come up at the school and she'd be staying over the weekend. Didn't give any more information than that and said they'd be out of touch but they'll be fine. Honestly.

3. Why were you owling Hermione about Puddlemere? She hates Quidditch and if she didn't she'd be a Cannon like the rest of us right-thinking people who don't let VICE tell us which team to support.

Ron

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Yeah sorry I was actually owling her about which brand of tampons she prefers.

Gin

P.S. I was a Harpy for years before VICE did that special issue. Dick.

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Well as a ridiculous man who has no idea how pregnancy works and definitely doesn't have a wife or a sister or a mother who spend 90% of their time together talking about periods I definitely believe that you (a pregnant lady) had an urgent question for Hermione (another pregnant lady) about tampons.

Ron

P.S. This is all sarcasm and if VICE had done that issue on the Cannons you'd be in head-to-toe orange and threatening to name your next kid Chudley.

 

 

Chapter Text

Wednesday 24th August 2016

Dear Toby,

Have the School for Squibs lot or this Nadine girl been in touch with Marjorie yet? If Draco slams one more door I'm worried that the giants will take it as a declaration of war and while I'd hate to leave my many admirers with such a beautiful corpse I'm starting to crave the oblivion of sweet, sweet, death.

Zacharias

 

Wednesday 24th August 2016

Dear Zacharias,

They haven't been in touch and I've already taken the precaution of telling Mr Malfoy that we're currently screening all owls for stowaway Wrackspurts so there'll be no post for the next 2-3 days. He took the news fairly well - we only have to replace 3 of the windows in his office and the plastic fern in the waiting room actually looks better fused to the ceiling. I'm telling people that it's a design feature.

Best,

Toby

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Lovely Luna,

Hope you're having a good day and the latest lot of Vanilla Veelas are slightly less predatory than yesterday's batch. Not that I mind being stalked around the house by a cheesecake but Al left the backdoor open and I've already had to rescue Mr Plum from an especially amorous slice.

Speaking of amorous; you are the most delectable of dolls and the most bewitching of bakers and I would slay an army of lactose intolerant wedding guests for you but I am evoking my 4th pregnant lady card (we agreed on 1 per month, oui?). I cannot and will not have dinner with Gloria tomorrow. I'm so pregnant. I can feel the hormones just oozing out of me and you know what she's like. It'll be all Earth Mother this and childless-by-choice that and by the time dessert comes around I'll have no idea if having a baby makes me the most powerful force on the planet or a spineless sell-out who is contributing to the subjugation of women with my insatiable need to breed.

I just want to be able to chat about Quidditch and babies and the latest anti-Squib legislation and James' Taylor Swift obsession without having to constantly defend myself.

Love you lots and lots and lots,

Ginny xxx

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Dear Ginny,

Such a sweet note to receive on such a gloomy morning. It called to mind the early days of our courtship; all those funny little drawings and risque limericks you used to send me. Do you know I've kept them all? Even the letters you wrote while I was imprisoned at Malfoy Manor. Those ones in particular still make me cry - although these days those tears are more likely to be a happy sprinkle at the memories we've created since then.

As I appear to have led us to the metaphorical gates of Malfoy Manor, is it possible that we already have a solution to Friday night's conundrum? I am currently wrestling a rather rambunctious radish roulade (and oh, isn't that a completely fabulous name for a cake? 15 years later and you still inspire me like no other) but if you are able to owl Gloria I am sure Draco will be happy to join us in her place.

Yours with love, peace and wonder,

Luna

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Ron,

Are you sure that Hermione and Harry won't be done with whatever is going on at the School by tomorrow? Luna wants to go ahead with the dinner party o'doom and I've managed to talk her out of inviting Ghastly Gloria, only to be offered Dastardly Draco as an alternative.

Remember that you've already promised to come so if there's any way you can break into SfS and kidnap your warrior wife for a few hours you'd be knocked up the rankings by at least a few places to become Ginny's Third Favourite Brother.

Love,

Ginny

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

How low am I in these rankings that kidnapping my own wife to save a dinner party (that you are in no way mandated to throw) only puts me at third?

Ron

P.S. And no, they won't be done until Monday. Hermione came home to grab some clothes and told me that they've had another kid Obliviated and dumped on the doorstep. He knows his own name but has no memory of who his family were, why they might have left him there, etc. No signs of magical ability but he's only 10 so it might not have manifested yet. This is why Ollivander's testing is such a fucking disaster. Harry's spent the entire week hulking out in the greenhouses, in-between trying to reassure the kid that everything will be alright and Hermione is stuck in negotiations with the Unspeakables.

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Ron,

Fucking hell.

Ginny

P.S. As soon as I'm depregnated we're getting Harry drunk. And maybe a new coffee machine.

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Dear Mr Malfoy,

Would you like to come to a dinner party tomorrow night? Luna is cooking, I'm staying as far away from the kitchen as possible while still technically remaining in the house and the other guests are all people that you've already attempted to murder or have attempted to murder you so there's next to no danger of small talk.

Looking forward to seeing you,

Ginny Weasley

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Dear Ms Weasley,

While the thought of getting silently sloshed in hostile company does provoke a nostalgic pang for my Junior Death Eater days, I'm afraid it's not quite enough to persuade me to attend your dinner party.

Yours,

Draco Malfoy

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Dear Draco,

Please do come to dinner tomorrow night. If you wish you may tell yourself that I emotionally manipulated you into it by pointing out that I am anxious to return the hospitality you offered me during my stay in the Malfoy Manor dungeons. I really am, however, looking forward to seeing you.

Yours with love, peace, hope and wonder,

Luna

 

Thursday 25th August 2016

Dear Luna,

I would be delighted to attend.

Please do let me know if I can bring anything,

Draco

Chapter Text

Saturday 27th August 2016

Weasley

Last night was a mistake. Tell no one.

Malfoy

 

Saturday 27th August 2016

Malfoy,

What the fuck is this? The written equivalent of a Slytherin friendship bracelet?

Last night was fine. I'm not saying we're best mates but it turns out that you're not the worst bloke to spend an evening with and while I may have had to choke back some vomit while writing this sentence I refuse to be your dirty little secret. We are now amicable acquaintances and, short of shacking up with another super villain, there's nothing you can do about it.

Just don't tell Harry.

Cheers!

Ron

 

Saturday 27th August 2016

Weasley,

While your obsession is flattering I'm afraid I must tell you that a few drunken games of Salad Chess and a rousing chorus of Bigmouth Strikes Again does not a friendship make.

"Just don't tell Harry" Do you mean "Just don't tell anyone"? Because while I don't give a flailing flitterby whether Renowned Hermit Harry Potter (tell me honestly, where was he last night? Don't think I didn't notice you and Ginney twitching whenever I mentioned him or Hermione) knows that we are slightly less than enemies now I do care what my own friends - real friends - think of me.

Malfoy

P.S. Quick reminder that you did promise me a look at your original pressing of Meat is Murder.

 

Saturday 27th August 2016

Malfoy,

"Friendship" was never on the table. I said "acquaintance" and if you want to make those chess games a regular thing I'll have you know you've got stiff competition. Zach Smith (yes, your office manager) has been begging to join my weekend Quidditch fly-about for weeks. I am fraternal catnip for snobby blondes - as demonstrated by your desperate attempts to get into my good books last night!

To be serious for a moment: I appreciated the apology and the whiskey and meant when I said about the four of us going for a drink some time, once my sister has finished giving birth to my best friend's baby (wow, it's like the more often I write that sentence the less comfortable I get). And I really do think it's important that we present Luna with a united front re. the legitimacy or lack thereof of "Salad Chess". Replacing all the Castles and Knights with spring onions and cucumber slices is not "fun" or "delightful" and it is the duty of serious chess players like ourselves to point this out at every opportunity.

Cheers!

Ron

 

Saturday 27th August 2016

Weasley,

Fine.

Draco

P.S. Zecharias Smith would suck up to a frozen lamppost if he thought it would get him a mention in The Prophet. You'd be well advised to tread carefully around those "snobby blondes".

Chapter Text

Sunday 28th August 2016

Mr Potter.

A fortnight has passed since your last update re. the day-to-day life at School for Squibs. While you have at times been informal and even irreverent in your correspondence you have, so far, shown yourself to be a conscientious correspondent. I am, therefore, at somewhat of a loss to understand why you have neglected the one, meager, task I asked you to perform in exchange for my donation.

I began responding to your letters after multiple requests for my opinion and, at times, physical presence. While I feel myself unable to attend the School events and protests you have invited me to I did enjoy hearing about them and was there in spirit, if not in fact.

I had hoped that my letters to you would provide an adequate substitute but, clearly, I have already managed to exhaust your good will. Please be assured that this is the last letter you will receive from me. I apologise for mistaking simple politeness for a deeper connection.

Mr X

 

Sunday 28th August 2016

Dreadful Draco,

What in the name of our Lords Slytherin and Spandex is wrong with you?

Greg didn't deserve to be spoken to that way and those cracks about his beard were especially cruel. If he shaves if off because of you I will be forced to reveal to the Prophet that, when left to run free, your own beard is ginger.

And incinerating Daisy's miniature Dragon farm? Really? I know it was an accident but honestly, Draco, did it have to be fire? She's convinced that you have somehow angered the real Dragons by using their own power against them and has bullied Greg into sky watching while she presides over 24 pint-sized funerals next week. I've tried explaining to her that they were enchanted wood, not actual Dragons but she pointed out that if it wasn't a "real" funeral then she didn't need to wear "real" funeral clothes. Or any clothes. Need I tell you how unwelcome this development was? I expect you to be chief mourner at the funeral next week.

While we're on the subject of Wrongs You Have Wrought: my rose bushes did not deserve to be Crucioed and, whatever the crimes I have committed in this or past lives, I certainly did not deserve that three hour monologue on the evils of the Boy Wonder's stupid hair and wonky glasses.

At one point this afternoon I was genuinely tempted to check the conservatory for Time Turners. "Have we" I asked myself, "regressed back to 2003?" - "No!" I answered myself, "Pansy dear girl, what kind of a deluded (yet still fabulous) fool are you to think that Draco's adolescent obsession with Potter might have been laid low by over a decades distance, two marriages, two divorces, fatherhood and a sodding war!?!"

I expect an immediate, grovelling, apology, a new farm for Daisy and for you to have a Healer remove whatever has sunk it's fangs into your arse before you next dare show your face around Parkinson Park.

Yours in a huff,

Pansy

 

Sunday 28th August 2016

Dearest, most beneficent and beguiling Pansy,

I am completely mortified by this afternoon's wretched display. You are the queen of my heart, my staunchest champion, the perfectly-proportioned apple of my eye and my most devious secret keeper. Please accept this grovelling apology. I will both replace Daisy's farm and sponsor a safari to the Romanian Dragon Reserves. Your rose bushes will be given a state funeral. I am apologising to Greg with my next owl and will take you both out for a decadent dining experience at whatever overpriced restaurant Theo is currently refusing to take you to.

As to my actions I can only plead hurt pride and the kind of simmering resentment I last experienced while attempting to eat porridge under the watchful eye of 15 bored Death Eaters. Two weeks, Pans. Two weeks without a letter. It's not a lot to ask. Do you think he's realised who I am? Or does he just resent the fact that I've started replying to his banal ramblings? "Enjoying" is too strong a word but I admit that I was becoming warmly ambivalent about our correspondence. Potter and I always had decades of hurt and history breathing down our necks and this was the first time that we met as equals, so to speak.

Surely I am allowed a slightly tender ego after the abrupt severing of all contact?

Remorsefully yours,

Draco

 

Sunday 28th August 2016

Dear Greg,

Apologies for this afternoon's temper tantrum. Can I make it up to you? Maybe dinner with Pans and Daisy next week?

Draco

 

Sunday 28th August 2016

Dear Draco,

Don't worry about it.

Daisy is holding her miniature Dragon funeral at Goyle Estate on Tuesday. The School for Squibs lot are due the same day. Why don't you come along, oversee the service and swap some hexes with Potter?

Greg

P.S. Please keep the hexing away from the chicken coops, they've been nervous ever since Martin dropped that Fanged Frisbee into their water trough. Mildred is still off her feed and Beryl has stopped laying completely. This wouldn't be a problem but she's making up the deficit by digging up the turnips and nesting on them instead. She's now got 22 "eggs" on the go and Mum hasn't been able to make any turnip chutney this year. It's the only category she regularly wins at the County Fair and she's worried that the WI will give her the boot.

 

Sunday 28th August 2016

Dear Greg,

I apologise on behalf of Martin, myself and every Malfoy past and present who ever has or will make your life more complicated.

You can expect me at the farm on Tuesday, accompanied by replacement turnips, hens, funeral wreaths, sackcloth and Firewhiskey.

Draco

 

Sunday 28th August 2016

Dear Draco,

I accept your grovelling apology but only because you and your wounded ego are too pathetic to do anything other than pity and feed mashed bananas to.

Now please, I beg of you, cease and desist with that "decades of hurt and history breathing down our necks" line. It was incredibly deep and profound when we were guzzling cannabis infused Ferrero Rocher at Millicent's NYE 2005 Party. It was vaguely poignant when we were recovering the next day while attempting to replace all our internal organs with grilled halloumi and Petrified Pumpkins.

Since then, however, it's emotional impact has decreased at a rate of knots and if I hear another word about the asthmatic wheezing and whistling of History I will feed you your own fist. You were a twit and Potter was an oaf. That's all she wrote.

Now I'm sure that Potter hasn't got tired of chatting with you. He's probably just very busy and will owl you next week. With that said...

1. Due to what I can only assumed was a complete personality overhaul, religious conversion or overwrought session between Astoria's bony thighs: Theo has agreed not to get Daisy's magical ability tested by Ollivander. For now.

2. Even if there was still a need to enroll Daisy in School for Squibs; the Muggle field trips this summer have convinced me that Potter does not hold a grudge for my actions during the war. I still think he and that bushy-haired busybody are dripping in anti-Slytherin bias but you have convinced me that they would not willfully mistreat or neglect my darling Daisy.

3. If you are so desperate to talk to Potter you should probably drop the shadowy Mr X persona (which isn't doing a lot to dispel the idea that all Slytherins are crafty deviants, addicted to subterfuge and overly complicated scheming). Talk to him like a normal human being, rather than as one speaks to a worm one has mashed into the treads of one's wellingtons.

I am fairly confident that you will dismiss points 1 and 2 out of hand but please do give some consideration to point 3.

Regretfully always yours,

Pansy

Chapter Text

Monday 29th August 2016

Dear Mr X,

I am sorry for being quiet this past week. You're right: I did encourage you to write back to me and then as soon as you do I go silent? I can understand why you're pissing bleach irritated but I really do like your letters. Really!

Your suggestion that Nadine get involved with the theatrical lot over at MILF was inspired, I'd never have thought of it and Nadine is such a dreamer that sometimes I worry she gets overlooked. Brian has just announced that the old'uns* are holding a hunger strike due to the dearth of Brown Sauce at the dinner table but once I've calmed them down and done a run to Morrisons I'll get on the Floo to MILF and see if they can help us out with Nadine and maybe Jacob as well. Jacob's got zero magical ability but he's brilliant with computers, taught himself to code by the time he was 6, and really wants to learn more about the Muggle side of editing. Do you think it's worth a shot? So to speak?

Oliver Wood! Oliver Wood back with the Puddles! I haven't stopped grinning since the news came through! Oliver Wood! He was my Quidditch Captain when I first started playing Seeker for Gryffindor, did you ever see him play as a student? Still to this day the best Keeper I've ever seen - although of course whenever a Weasley is in earshot the party line is that Wood and Ron were equal as Keepers, that Ron could have gone pro straight out of school, that Ron is superior in looks, skill, wit, etc etc and we are all lucky to have ever seen him take to the skies. See, the very fact that I've mentioned this shows that I've narrowed down your identity to not-a-Weasley and not-a-Granger. Although this is mainly because if they had the kind of money you've sank into the school the caveat would have been less, not more, owls from me.

Speaking of owls: the reason I haven't been in touch is because we've been doing crisis-management since last Thursday. I've had a chat with Hermione and she's agreed that it's safe to give you a quick run down although please don't ask me for specifics. Partly because I've started drinking ASDA Smartprice Instant Coffee Medium Roast and it's completely brutal but also completely brilliant. I've now got enough energy to subdue a Hungarian Horntail and then take it out for Jaggerbombs and Kebabs. Meaning that if you get me ranting on this I'll get so worked up I'll probably go right through the parchment and start scoring expletives into my desk. The other reason I can't go into details is due to the age of the people involved and privacy and fuck I'm making such a mess of this.

Right.

On Thursday a 10 year old boy appeared in the school gardens. He was physically fine but he'd been completely Obliviated. Couldn't remember where he lived, his parents, not even his own name. He asked us to call him Freddy, when I asked if that was his name he said no but it was "a good name". For now that's what we're calling him. Fucking hell. My aunt and uncle weren't great but at least I had my fucking name. Fucking fuck. I was Harry Potter, before all that Boy Who Lived guff started, before I knew that this name was anything other than my only link to my dad, I knew who I was. Not Boy. Not Freak. Harry. And now there's this little kid who smiles the biggest fucking smile whenever anyone does anything even vaguely nice for him, who spent all yesterday making the school staff thank-you-for-looking-after-me cards, and yet he doesn't even know his own fucking name or whether he prefers Coco Pops or Frosties for breakfast.

It's clear that he was deliberately Obliviated and I'm sure you know it's incredibly rare for someone to have all their memories removed and not to suffer some kind of brain damage. We called in one of the best Healers at St Mungo's and they said he seems fine but there could be long-term repercussions. Given how young Freddy is (10 years old! 10!) and that no missing persons reports have been lodged with the Aurors we can only assume that his parents or guardians had something to do with the Obliviating. He had a note on him saying that he was a Squib and "otherwise healthy" but the Aurors haven't been able to trace it.

Hermione spent most of the last week arguing with the Unmentionables over at the Ministry. They want to use Legilimency to track his parents down but then they'd be arrested for child abuse and Freddy would be dragged into a court case, or the parents could turn around and say they made a mistake and want him back. We've had kids dumped before and know what to do to gain temporary custody but it takes forever and usually the parents helping us sort it out. In this case there's very little doubt that Freddy's parents were responsible, some of the memories gone are the kind of things that only someone who knows him really well could have ferreted out. But whoever it was: if they realized the Aurors are onto them they could claim it was a kidnapping or that they were Obliviated as well and we'd have no choice but to give him back to them.

Until we'd worked out what to do and how much to involve the Ministry Hermione and I have been sleeping at the school, along with half the staff. The kids are loving it, they were due to start lessons again this week but it got pushed back to free up Hermione to deal with the legal stuff. They've spent all week showing Freddy the house and the gardens while I've probably cracked 3 molars trying to keep the place running without Hermione and act like this isn't a complete shit show mess. Fuck. We've been using Freddy's lack of memory as an excuse to try all the weirdest food combination possible, just in case one of them turns out to be his favourite. Have you ever had a fish finger, cornflake and sambal oelek smoothie? It's horrendous. Thankfully Freddy agrees with me and the kids have moved on to breakfast food, hence the hunger strike over the missing Brown Sauce.

And on that note I need to run to Morrisons before they shut and Brian calls for a march on Westminster.

Sorry again.

Harry

* What we call the older students, I give them 4-5 more years before this titles dramatically looses it's appeal.

Chapter Text

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Morning All,

Hermione is still tied up at the Ministry so I'm taking over the school updates this week and, in the words of Professor X, "aye've never felt power like this before". Setting aside the temptation to march around, cackling maniacally in a magenta cape, I do have a few bits of admin to get through.

1. This afternoon is the young'uns trip to Mr Goyle's Farm. We've decided to take Freddy, James and Al along as well and so need one more adult to ensure that the children respect the personal space and integrity of the animals. On the subject of which: Gretel has agreed to a monitoring charm but draws the line at random spot checks.

It was an interesting idea but part of me thinks that if we can't even visit a farm without violating the human rights of our resident Penguin Pilfiler then we have bigger problems than Gretel's fondness for small, easily-squishable, creatures. Please let me know ASAP if you want to join. There's a lurid purple cagoule in it for you!

2. We are meeting at the front of the school after lunch and every child (no matter what Lucy tries to tell you) must bring their cagoule, snack box, Weasley Christmas jumper, emergency wrist band and wellies. Yes. As previously mentioned: the dreaded cagoules are back. I've fought this, believe me. I've fought it on the beaches and in the fields and in the Headmistress' office but our school budget didn't stretch to anything non-purple and non-plastic and I hope you'll join me in swallowing this indignity and moving on.

3. The next meeting of Jacob and Brian's Anti-Bullying Society is meeting on Friday to select their first official victim investigation victim investigation. There are already enough accusations of censorship flowing from that committee towards the Staff Room but I do urge you all to try to influence their selection.

The two cases under review are an investigation into the lewd graffiti that's started popping up around the borough (as the subject of some of it myself I'm all in favour of this) or hauling Tony Blair in to answer for war crimes which (Jacob assures me) count as bullying under the society bylaws.

Two observations: Who took their eyes of the ball long enough for Brian to create bylaws? And can we please try to avoid high profile citizen arrests? For me? Your much beleaguered and yet still staggeringly affable administrator?

Thanks everyone and all the best,

Harry
Secretary
School for Squibs

 

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Dear Greg,

No time to explain but when Scorpius, Martin, Daisy and I come over to Goyle Estate today it is vital that you ask me how work is in front of Potter. He has to hear you ask me. Try to imply that we have not discussed my work in a while and that this is a state of affairs that you are anxious to remedy.

Feel free to improvise but just remember to ask in front of Potter. "How is work, Draco?" or "How is work going, Draco?" or better yet "Your work is so interesting, Draco, please tell us all something about it, especially any interesting cases you are working on, maybe something to do with gaining emergency child custody?".

I am sorry I cannot give you more information at the minute but if you have ever trusted in a scheme of mine, old friend, please trust me now.

Draco

 

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Dear Draco,

Will do.

Greg

 

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Hermione,

Just letting you know that the journey over to farm went well and Greg is proving to be a surprisingly thoughtful host. He'd set up a massive dining table in the barn, covered in stuff they've grown locally - have you ever had homemade Damson Gin Jam? It's a miracle! It doesn't even show up on the school cagoules! I could bathe in the bloody stuff and still look as debonair as a man in lightweight purple plastic ever can!

A few highlights:

Greg managed to distract Gretel before she started doing her best Lennie impression; they're now making wildflower crowns together. James ate all of his and Al's snacks on the way here and is now attempting a raid on Greg's mum's pickle room (she's doing a valiant job of holding him off with only a pipette and a rather sticky doily). Brian is performing an impromptu rendition of Animal Farm for some slightly scandalized pigs (the only sentient beings that survived the 45 minute opening monologue).

And the rest of them are filing in those charts Luna made with all the questions about Farm Animals I Have Seen. Although I do wish we'd proof read them before handing them out. Did you know that she'd put me on there? Above a chicken but below a goat in the farmyard pecking order, apparently. I caught Al filling in that my natural habitat was "small dark rooms" and that my identifying features were "glasses" and "hair".

Going to round them up now and take them down to the stream (time to make these cagoules earn their keep!), hope things are going ok at the Ministry. I'll let you know when we're heading back to the school.

Cheers!

Harry

P.S. Fucking fuck. Sodding Malfoy just pranced up the drive! He's wearing wellies! gtg, more details soon.

 

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Hermione,

I'm fairly sure that Greg has been sampling his own Damson Gin Jam a bit too liberally as he keeps blinking anxiously and yelling at Malfoy about work. The first time I thought maybe Greg's beard had grown into his ears and compromised his hearing but he keeps yelling things like "where are the emergency children?" and "how interesting you are, Draco Mafloy".

They're coming over here, sorry for all the owls but I think you'll agree that this is an emergency.

Harry

 

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Hermione!

We might have a solution for what to do about Freddy! Malfoy is going to drop by your and Ron's house this evening and go over the details but quick rundown:

Malfoy was banging on to Greg about some emergency custody case he's working on and it sounded so much like the situation we've got with Freddy that I piped up. Don't worry, I was very sly. Said it was a friend of a friend who worked at a school and had had a kid Obliviated and dumped on them, didn't know what to do, etc.

Malfoy asked a few questions, frowned a bit, PULLED OUT A PAIR OF READING GLASSES!?!?!?! (we are going to be talking about this later, a lot), made some notes and said he might be able to get us something called a 24 hour injunction on the investigation into Freddy's parents, coupled with a court ruling re. prioritizing Freddy's psychological well-being and reintroducing the memories slowly.

As if that wasn't enough he also has some thoughts on the investigation! Pointed out that whoever did the Obliviating on Freddy must have had some help as most people struggle to erase their own image from a loved ones mind. There are only a few witches and wizards powerful enough to do a full sweep (he's bringing over a list), and that we could trace Freddy through hospital records for 10 year olds with his blood type.

It was amazing! I guess I knew he must be good at his job but he understood the whole situation so quickly. Didn't twat around asking silly questions or making snide remarks. It was amazing and weirdly great in a kind of awkward, are we really doing this, yes I think we might be getting on, way.

Amazing!

Harry

 

Tuesday 30th August 2016

Dear Greg,

Do you think that Potter realized he was wearing a flower crown throughout our little chat today?

Draco

Chapter Text

Thursday 1st September 2016

Potter,

I am aware that those jam-jar spectacles squatting at the end of your nose have a practical application but, surely, it can't have escaped your attention that Granger is nine months pregnant and battling a Saviour Complex nearly as debilitating as your own? Why on Earth did you encourage me to "pop by and have a natter with her" regarding Freddy at 10pm on a school night? The poor woman* was clearly exhausted and running on nothing more sustaining than righteous indignation. Weasley was livid and I had to pretend that I was there for a chess rematch before Granger dragged out half her library and tipped herself into an early labour.

From now on I will discuss the progress of Freddy's case with you and we will leave Granger to the maternity leave that she should have been on two months ago.

Expect me at the school tomorrow,

Malfoy

*I will never forgive you for making me write that sentence in connection with the homicidal hag-in-training who slapped me mid-3rd year, you know she's never apologised for that? Even you had the decency to strain out a sorry over that Sectumsempra kerfuffle.

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

Malfoy,

Yes, I noticed that my best friend and business partner is pregnant. Yes, I was aware that she was stretching herself thinner than your cracks about my glasses and Yes, I should not have sent you over there so late at night. Yes, I may have sampled a bit too much of Greg's gin jam (tell me honestly, is there any fruit in it? Because my hangover suggests a higher alcohol content than his labeling implied) but No, I didn't fancy keeping news of Freddy's case from Hermione seeing as you yourself pointed out: she has a fantastic backhand and no patience for being kept in the dark.

Tomorrow is fine, try not to make any of the children cry on your way to my office.

Cheers!

Harry

P.S. Who won? And what do you mean "rematch"? When have you and Ron played chess? Is the sky still blue? Is the Earth still round?

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

Potter,

I won, as if that was ever in doubt. May I suggest that you attempt talking to your friends about something other than work and jam? You will be surprised at the long and complex friendship Ron and I have developed.

Until tomorrow,

Malfoy

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

Ron,

What the fuck is going on with you and Malfoy? I sent him over there to fill Hermione in on the Freddy situation, not to start canoodling with you over chess.

Harry

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

Mate,

Calm down. I know that you weren't around as much as you wanted to be for both of Gin's pregnancies and so missed out some of the gorier details but Hermione has worked herself into a right tizz over Freddy and, when it comes to pregnancies, that's generally Not A Good Thing. She needs to chill out. Her priorities are all over the shop, I'm having to intercept her work owls and found her trying to sneak out to the school at 5am this morning. The Healers are worried about exhaustion and, to be honest, I wasn't best pleased to find my mate sending work stuff over at sodding 10 o'clock at night.

Malfoy's got two sprogs of his own and sussed out the situation within 5 seconds of walking in the door. We had a nice game of chess (I won, of course!), a quick cuddle (you know I never say no to canoodling) and he was out the door within an hour.

Cheers,

Ron

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

Shit. I've been a massive dick, haven't I? Don't answer. The answer is clearly "yes, you insufferable prat". I'm sorry Ron. The sky over your house is now officially a no-fly zone for work owls and I'll work with Malfoy on the Freddy stuff.

Please just confirm that there was no actual cuddling? My mind's eye is developing a twitch.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

What can I say? I'm an affectionate guy and everything Malfoy and I did over that chess board was between two consenting adults.

Ron

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

DON'T DO THIS TO ME

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

It's not you I'm doing it to ;) ;) ;)

Chapter Text

Saturday 10th September 2016

Dear Mr X,

I'm not sure if you still want to go back to only me writing (I hope not) but here's this week's update, enjoy!

Our trip to Greg Goyle's Farm went well. The only children to fall in the stream were my own sons; which meant that there was no need to send their parents awkward owls explaining why they were covered in dried duck shit and miscellaneous pond juice when we dropped them home. I did think that their mums might be a bit put out but Ginny just hosed the boys off in the front garden while Luna brewed up a batch of her Scat Sobriety potion for me.

Two clarifications; the original name of that potion was "Luna's Scatty Sobriety potion" (she told me that booze makes her "a bit daffy", I answered with an earnest silence) and the unfortunate abbreviation is Al's work. Usually he's quite good at coming up with names for Luna's creations but none of us fancy explaining exactly what "Scat" means so it's stuck. So to speak. The second clarification is that I was not drinking while on a school trip. I was partaking in the latest of batch of Goyle Damson Gin Jam. Apparently Mrs Goyle is uneasy about her standing with the local WI and had attempted to curry favour by adding more alcohol than usual to her preserves.

Other than those two (minor, so so minor) incidents it was a great success! Gretel has a bit of a burning passion for small, fluffy creatures but Greg managed to distract her. This distraction originally took the form of piggy-back rides and flower chains, before descending into him becoming her personal serf and carting her around the farm to rechristen all the animals. The Goyle Farm now has a pig called Mud, a goat called Chewer, a dog called Bum and two horses called Horseratio and Whinnyfred. I helped come up with those last two names.

Another good thing to come out of the farm trip is that I got to see Malfoy in glasses Draco Malfoy will be helping us with the legal aspects of Freddy's case. He happened to be visiting with his sons and Pansy Parkinson's daughter, Daisy. The three of them immediately disappeared with James and Al, only to reappear less than 40 minutes later having captured the neighboring farm's scarecrow, convinced all the younger children that fresh hen eggs are made of chocolate (leading to much bitter disappointment) and unleashed Chewer the goat on the school's purple cagoules (which, to be fair, were rank).

Malfoy happened to be working on a very similar case to Freddy's situation and, over a few spoonfuls of jam, I ended up asking him to work with the school as legal counsel. Hermione had finally gone on maternity leave so we're a bit short staffed and having him around has been fantastic. Mainly because he hasn't actually been around. Every time I owl him he's legging it into court or down to the Ministry, lawyering all over the place and generally making Freddy's life a lot easier. I imagine that this truce will last just as long as it takes him to get bored or realized that helping some anonymous Squib child isn't going to advance his political career but right now I'm making hay while the sun shines. Little farm lingo for you there.

Hope you're well!

Harry

P.S. I almost forgot: Alicia passed all her A-levels! 3 B's which means that she's got into Stirling uni! We're all chuffed to bits for her. She's staying on at the school to do a gap year and apply for extra funding (there's talk of the Muggle-born educational grants being extended to Squib children) so we don't have to say goodbye just yet. There's going to be a party to celebrate at the school if you fancy it? Monday from 6pm, food and drink provided and Alicia has requested a Doctor Who theme so I'll be the one brandishing a sink plunger.

Chapter Text

Sunday 11th September 2016

Mr Potter,

I appreciate your explanation and apologise for my own delay. Work is all consuming; leaving me limited time to respond to your moderately entertaining updates. I use the term "moderately" advisedly as your humour (when not directed at yourself or recounting the children's adventures) is a little tart for my tastes.

Mr Malfoy appears to have gone out of his way to assist Freddy. This is a move that will surely displease his political connections as (so The Daily Prophet tells me) he represents a number of the old families. In my experience these families have a limited appreciation of non-magical beings and are unlikely to be impressed by one of their own expending time and energy on, to use your own phrasing, "some anonymous Squib child" when he could be working for their own interests at the Wizengamot.

Forgive me if that above paragraph appears to chide or nag but I worry for the future of your school if you are incapable of accepting help from unorthodox sources without descending into puerile insults. The only excuse I can offer for this little lecture is that I somewhat identify with Mr Malfoy's experiences. You were reluctant to accept my own help and yet now we are conducting a cordial correspondence. Maybe you should give Mr Malfoy that same chance to prove himself?

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Dear Malfoy,

Thanks again for your help this week! I've explained to Freddy that (thanks to you!) he'll be staying with us until he decides that he wants to trace his parents. Decided not to mention that the Aurors will be continuing their own investigations as he's been a bit anxious recently and we've decided to give him as much control as we can over what happens to him. So thank you, good sir, for making that possible! Could you (please!) send over the name of that child Healer who sorted out Martin's nigh terrors? Thanks!

Cheers!

Harry

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Potter,

Happy to help. The Healer is a Ms. Know, she's in the Floo directory and her office hours are 2-4pm, Monday and Thursday.

Best,

Malfoy

P.S. Are you high? The last time I received so many exclamation marks and superfluous thanks in a work missive Zacharias Smith had spilt a pot of Gleeful Glenda's Giggly Glue in the conference room.

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Malfoy,

No. I am not high. Fucks sake.

I appreciate everything you've done for Freddy. Really. And, to be honest, I was feeling a little guilty for not thanking you sooner. So. Thanks.

Harry

P.S. In the Muggle world your Healer would be called "Dr Know". Dr No. James Bong. 007.

P.P.S. What happened with the GGGG? The last time I saw Zacharias Smith was NYE 2010 when he drank too much WKD (insisting the whole time that it was called "WKD cocktail"), curled up in my lap and told me he wanted to pet me "like a kitten and then make love to you like a man". I would feel guilty revealing this to his boss but Ron recorded the whole thing, took the audio, turned it into the ringtone and programmed it to play every time any of the Weasleys rang me. For the next 5 years.

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Potter,

Apparently you are not the only kitten in Zacharias' life. Although in my case he called me "Snowball" and made no mention of making love to me. He did inform me that our entire staff "expects us to bang" but that would be "wrong, my sweet snow cub" as "Bob Dylan is the only man to ever make blonde on blonde work" and the two of us in a relationship would be "like magnets, South and South, destined to repel each other". He then started singing the lyrics to Miracles by Insane Clown Posse before falling asleep in my lap.

Malfoy

P.S. Who is James Bong?

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Dear Snowball,

You know who Insane Clown Posse are but not who James Bond is? Suddenly your fear of Muggles makes a lot more sense. If Voldemort had used that video as a recruitment tool he probably would have won the war.

Harry

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Dear Kitten,

You are a wizard and a (semi) literate adult. Learn a spell check charm.

Malfoy

 

Sunday 11th September 2016

Fucks sake can you fuck off with this pedantry?!?

A thousand apologies, my sweet snow cub.

Harry

 

Chapter Text

Tuesday 13th September 2016

Dear Mr Weasley,

This is a formal request that you compile the dates, duration and position of every sexual encounter you and Ms Hermione Granger have indulged in over the last 18 months and submit it to the office of Molly Weasley at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Hermione Granger,
Incubator of Weasley Grandchildren

 

Tuesday 13th September 2016

Dear Incubator,

I take it that the interrogation over your due date continues?

Yours sincerely,

Ron Weasley,
Impregnator Extraordinaire

 

Tuesday 13th September 2016

Dear Impregnator,

She came over for coffee, distracted Ginny with a plate of biscuits* and proceed to ask me if I was "sure" about our due dates. She then told me the conception story behind each of her own children. Including, in the case of Percy, a diagram. Diagrams, Ron. Just in case you, I and our Healer have somehow got the wrong idea about how babies are made and need some additional tutoring from the Molly Weasley School of Bish Bash Bosh.

Did you know that women can get pregnant from pre-ejaculate? Did you know that our menstrual cycles can fluctuate by up to 10 weeks? Did you know that Molly Weasley really wants to meet her new grandchild? Did you? DID YOU? Because these are all things that I knew before this morning but had to live through the experience of having them explained to me again by the woman who taught me how to knit and gave me my first copy of Charmed Life.

Please make her stop.

Love,

Hermione xxx

*Genuine question: how is Ginny still so thin? She is married to a baker and 8 months pregnant but looks like a snake that has swallowed an egg. I've gained half a stone just writing this owl to you and can't even look at a biscuit without my gut bursting out of my maternity jeans like a bloody endoparasitoid extraterrestrial.

 

Tuesday 13th September 2016

Dear Hermione,

Love of my life. Keeper of my heart. I will owl mum and get her to cease and desist but let's not pretend that this isn't exactly the kind of granny you will be. Forget diagrams, there will be sodding flow charts, live action replays and potentially a publishing contract if our future grandchild dares to be even a day over it's due date.

Love and appreciation for your luscious arse*,

Ron

*Yes, I know it's not about whether I find you sexually attractive, all body types have value, etc etc Just do me a favour and wrestle that plate of biscuits back off Ginny because even you talking about the Molly Weasley School of Bish Bash Bosh hasn't been enough to dull my appreciation for your bum.

Chapter Text

Friday 16th September 2016

Malfoy,

Why is Greg sitting in the School for Squibs waiting room? I had the exterminator in on Monday to deal with the school's Slytherin Minion Infestation and he assured me that we were serpent-free.

Harry

P.S. To be serious: do you need to be present for this?

 

Friday 16th September 2016

Potter,

While I remain aware that it runs counter to every tactic you deployed to defeat the Dark Lord, the only advice I can offer is that you speak to Greg. Try to picture him as a normal person, deserving of basic courtesy and respect. Maybe you could even try saying a quick "hello" and "how are you" to the man who so recently played host to your herd of yowling brats, before hexing him half-to-death and imprisoning him in what I can only assume was the Weasley's summer house. Just a thought.

Malfoy

P.S. If you do decide to speak to Greg (rather than making him a victim of your bigoted mistrust of Slytherins), could you please pass on a message for me? Tell him that Phase 2 is complete and the snakes rise at dawn. He'll know what it means.

 

Friday 16th September 2016

Malfoy,

Turns out that Greg was here to take Gretel over to the farm. Apparently his mum took a liking to her and the three of them are going blackberrying and then she's going to teach Gretel to knit so they can make Greg a beard-warmer. Which begs the question: if a beard is a face-warmer (seems logical), and then wool becomes a beard-warmer, what keeps the beard-warmer-warm? Hmm?

I've used the time I would have wasted having a conversation with Greg* to make a list of everything that was wrong with your last letter. In order of wrongness:

1. "The Dark Lord", fuck off. I heard you referring to him as "Mouldy Voldy" at the Ministry's annual Exploding Easter Egg Hunt. I know you're only saying that to wind me up but, just to bring the tone down for a second: he murdered me and both my parents. Stop picking at that scab, Malfoy.

2. The suggestion that I don't appreciate Greg hosting the school at Goyle Farm. Once again, for the cheap seats, fuck off! I thanked Greg multiple times and even sent him a basket of Luna's Mighty Millicent Bulstrode Blueberry and Cheddar Cheesecake. A treat that is both delicious and a tribute to one of his ex-house members. I only owled you because the last time he turned up at the school unannounced you accused me of "anti-Slytherin bias" (see point 3) and tried to sue the school. And the time before that he was, in fact, trying to break in. Forgive me for trying to avoid spurious legal action, next time I'll just get straight to the hexing.

3. "bigoted mistrust of Slytherins". Fuck. Off.

4. Ok. I laughed at your message for Greg. The fact that it's fake doesn't mean that "the snakes rise at dawn" isn't a crap code. Sounds like you're announcing your morning boner to him.

Before I forget: Ron's planning to invite you to Hermione's Baby Blowout. It's exactly what it sounds like and I suggest you start working on your excuses now.

Cheers!

Harry

*We had a long chat about how strange the Sorting Hat used to smell. He thought it smelt like mini-cheddars, I think it's more of a wet Quidditch gear aroma.

 

Friday 16th September 2016

Potter,

Has your own beard grown inwards and up into your brain, as opposed to outwards in the manner of traditional beards? I have no idea what keeps a beard-warmer warm and have a blazing headache from attempting to untangle your profanity and ink blot strewn notes. I have, however, decided to take point 1. under consideration.

Re. your treatment of Greg. Please accept my heartfelt apologies that I did not immediately recognise that your referral to Greg as an "infestation", "Slytherin minion" and a "serpent" was your psychological warped way of expressing gratitude. Tell me, is this how Gryffindors conduct all their communications? Given the manner in which you express professional respect I can only assume that your courtships begin by flinging a handful of mud into your paramour's eyes and that lifelong friendships are forged by simultaneously urinating on each other.

I'm fairly sure that in between calling Slytherins greedy and conniving the Sorting Hat (eau de reheated cabbage, non?) did deign to mention our house loyalty. Anti-Slytherin bias has been a genuine problem for my fellow housemates since the war ended. I will not go into details here, their trials are not mine to share, but it should not surprise you that we are protective of our own.

In regards to Hermione's Baby Blowout your warning came too late. I declined Ron's invitation, only to have him unleash Luna upon me. Along with the rest of the magical world I remain helpless before her guileless brand of emotional blackmail. I will see you there.

Yours,

Malfoy

P.S. Your interpretation of my light-hearted code is crude and perverse, you wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in Slytherin.

 

Friday 16th September 2016

Malfoy,

"Crude and perverse" so that's Slytherin courtships covered, how do you think Hufflepuffs get it on?

See you at the Blowout!

Harry

Chapter Text

Sunday 18th September 2016

Dear Mr X,

Another Sunday, another update for my favourite shadowy benefactor. One of my favourite shadowy benefactors (I can't forget Sirius Black, the original shadowy benefactor or OSB, if you will) and Rubeus Hagrid came across as a bit of a shadow lurker when he kicked down the door and rescued me from the Dursleys. Maybe Hagrid is the OSB and Sirius is just an SB. Although those are his initials and it might get a bit confusing if I was to carve I <3 my SB into what the fuck is this shit?

Dear Mr X,

Let's try this again. Happy Sunday, I appreciate you, etc etc.

I blame the previous paragraph on the new staff coffee machine. I've been surviving off the desiccated mouse droppings that the local Tesco Express staff keep insisting are instant coffee. Little did I know that a dastardly plan was afoot. One of the school staff* decided that I was drinking "too much coffee" (pfffft) and switched out the caffeinated mouse droppings for decaffeinated mouse droppings. I was unaware of the change, upped my intake to make up for the resulting lack of energy, and then when the new coffee machine arrived my tolerance was down but I thought it was up, if you get me? The end result was that my first attempt at this letter was more galloping stream of consciousness than thoughtful meditation upon contemporary educational practices.

The reason that you get to see the first version of the letter is that Gretel has become rather overly interested in Greg Goyle's eco-friendly farming techniques and came back from a visit busting with the desire to improve the School's carbon footprint. We talked her out of joining one of the more militant anti-fracking groups**, only for her to fix a beady eye upon my office. According to a snap poll, conducted by Gretel in a most biased and unscientific manner, I use more parchment than anyone else in the school. I also use far too much water washing out my Espresso Patronum coffee mug, have been known to throw tea bags into the rubbish bins (rather than trek all the way to the bottom of the garden to throw them on the compost heap which is, literally and figuratively, a pile of shit) and aided in the over-population of the Earth by defeating Voldemort. While I was busy hiking my jaw off the ground at this last accusation, Gretel confiscated all my parchment. I am to be allowed 3 sheets per day. One for personal letters. One for school matters. And one for Gretel to draw on when she comes to keep me company after lunch. Generous of her.

All of which is why today's update is so short. If you would like a longer letter please send parchment, Chocolate Frogs, paracetamol and a lock for my office door.

Yours,

Harry

*I regret to tell you that the culprit remains anonymous and at large, it's days like today that I wonder if I should have kept at the ol' Auroring with Ron.

**Although to be fair to them, the most militant thing the local anti-frackers have done is to make some rather bright banners and be very polite to the police. It's hardly the Baader Meinhof Complex over here.

Chapter Text

Tuesday 20th September 2016

Dear Harry,

I hope the enclosed parchment is enough for you to continue our correspondence. Gretel sounds like the kind of ideological purist who may not be above spot checks: how do you intend to conceal this illicit shipment? I did have some Chocolate Frogs for you as well but a quick detection charm revealed them all to have either the Heroes: Harry Potter cards or Villains: Dolores Umbridge cards - both of which I assume you already have enough of. One way or another. With this in mind I have redistributed the chocolate frogs and added the Umbridge cards to my own collection, no need to thank me.

The potion is designed to assist with caffeine withdrawal. It is a family recipe, handed down to me by a friend of my father's, and it proved invaluable during my own attempts to regulate my green tea intake. A friend traveled to Japan for her honeymoon and picked up a liking for the stuff, I must confess I scoffed at what I assumed was a short lived pretension. 2 months later I was drinking 7-8 cups a day. After not sleeping or being able to sit still for 4 nights in a row I spent the rest of the summer weaning myself off the tea, mixing this potion into my morning porridge and cursing Cho my friend.

I spent those sleepless nights in the company of an insomniac New Zealander who introduced me to the wonders of his country's independent film industry. If you are still taking your students to the cinema I highly recommend The Dark Horse, playing tomorrow night at the Soho Curzon. It follows one man's attempt to help a group of disadvantaged children, while battling his own demons, and the Muggle version of chess. Which is always highly entertaining. The way they flail across the board, shoving their pieces here and there strips the game of it's dignity but I must confess that since the war I've grown to find Wizard chess a little too bloodthirsty for my liking.

Yours,

Mr X

 

Wednesday 21st September 2016

Potter,

Scorpius claims that you agreed to a sleepover at Malfoy Manor. For James and Albus, not yourself.

Please confirm that this is a fantasy a fantasy of Scorpius' a fantasy.

Best,

Malfoy

 

Friday 23rd September 2016

Malfoy,

Looks like it's your lucky day! James, Albus and their mums will floo into the Manor at 6 o'clock tomorrow night. Luna and Ginny just want to run some simple diagnostics, check for Wrackspurts, giant snakes, etc. Shouldn't take them more than half an hour and then you'll have the pleasure of entertaining my heir and spare for a whole 18 hours (Scorpius assured me that the sleepover invitation included dinner, breakfast, brunch and lunch).

Couple of quick reminders:

Albus is only able to eat purple food.

James requires 55-57 minutes exercise per hour, otherwise he is vulnerable to spontaneously combustion.

If either of my sons even catch sight of the door to the dungeons I will take great delight in telling Scorpius and Martin exactly what happened in Myrtle's toilet. The thing that happened between you and Millie Bulstrode, not the other thing. Sorry again, about that.

Cheers!

Harry

P.S. If you and Ron are still chess chums you might like The Dark Horse - brilliant film.

 

Friday 23rd September 2016

Potter,

I have already spoken to Luna and she assures me that the majority of your last letter was exaggerated (although she did warn me to keep James away from the peacocks - how on earth did the Boy Saviour produce such terrifying children?).

Why you feel the need to mock Martin's food allergies is beyond me but what should I expect from the kind of shadow humping pervert who spent so much time scrutinizing a young schoolboy's trips to the lavatory?

Your sons will, of course, be kept away from the dungeons. Mother's bats need peace and quiet during the mating season and the sound of your sons arguing about which food makes their dad fart the loudest is enough to turn even the most carnal chiroptera into a prude.

Best,

Malfoy

P.S. Thank you for the recommendation. I have already seen The Dark Horse (Cliff Curtis is fantastic) and reject the term "chess chums".

P.P.S. Please remember that Millicent has a terrible tendency to exaggeration and any mention of school ties or uncontrollable giggling should be ignored.

 

Friday 23rd September 2016

Malfoy,

James is not "terrifying", he just has his father's taste for danger, his mother's high spirits and his other mother's imagination.

Written down that does sound a little terrifying but he's seriously fine. Just make sure to follow Luna's advice and keep him away from the peacocks. And any high windows. It's probably best to keep him away from all glass. Also if you have any pets maybe shove them in with the bats, just for the night. He's also not good around trees, I think it's a dominance thing. Try not to let him get too worked up (not too much sugar, fizzy drinks, etc) but also don't let him get bored because that's when he has his most creative ideas. He really is fine.

You can check all this with Luna - floo me if you need back up and thanks for hosting!

Harry
Shadow Humper and Malfoy Thumper Extraordinaire

Chapter Text

Sunday 25th September 2016

Dear Mr X,

I regret to inform you that the staff of School for Squibs have ceded to Gretel's demands re. our environmental footprint and the continued persecution of Harry James Potter. These demands included a commitment to be carbon neutral by 2020, at least 3 self-erasing charms on all internal memos before recycling, and the installation of motion sensitive light switches. The light switches have proved problematic as originally they were far too sensitive; turning on whenever a stiff breeze blew through the entrance hall and when Brian's kitten went for a 4am romp we received multiple light pollution complaints. Slightly undermining our standing with the neighbours and causing Gretel a great deal of embarrassment at her first Young Chums Of The Earth meeting.

The Young Chums is a local group for aspiring environmental activists. Their facebook page has lots of inspiring pictures of kids high-fiving and hugging globes with "Environmentalism = Bae" and "Global Warming or Global Warning?" in Papyrus along the bottom. After yet another visit to Greg Goyle's Farm - the third this week - Gretel kindly offered up the school common room for the Young Chums monthly meetings. Monthly meetings which quickly turned into weekly meetings when they discovered that we have a Netflix subscription and table football in there.

One good thing to come out of this was that my parchment allowance has been upped to 5 pieces per day. I have stashed the sheets you sent behind my invisibility cloak (always kept hanging behind my desk and getting frequent use now that miscellaneous Slytherins have taken to loitering in our flower beds). While I appreciate the supplies and the potion I was disheartened to hear the fate of my chocolate frogs. I am reluctant to point fingers but there are too many holes in this story and my ex-Auror senses are tingling. Surely the only reasonable response to opening a frog with an Umbridge card in is a ceremonial rubbish bin fire? I would assume that you scoffed them yourself (while chuckling maniacally and rolling around in a sea of chocolate frog wrappers) but can shadowy benefactors even eat chocolate frogs? I've been picturing you as a kind of benign Dementor; dispensing goodwill from within a mist filled cloak. What became of the Harry Potter cards? And, more importantly, the attached frogs?

Speaking of lapses in common sense; my sons, James and Al, popped over to Malfoy Manor for a sleepover with Mini-Malfoys 1+2 this weekend. I was a bit reluctant to let them go but a combination of your own appeal for tolerance, Luna's observations about schoolboy crushes and Al's furious threats of patricide brought me around to the idea. Turns out you were right: all Malfoy needed was a chance and I, rejected chocolate frog card star and evil genius, took great delight in giving him the opportunity to discover exactly how much of a little shit full of boyish charm my eldest son really is.

By the time I went to collect the boys James had succeeded in restarting a long forgotten family feud among the Malfoy portraits, requisitioned Malfoy's study as a rumpus room (American thing, far as I can tell it involves inflicting maximum damage from as great a height as possible, Malfoy's bookshelves now have more footprints than books on them), encouraged Malfoy's youngest son, Martin, to taste test every bottle in his father's drinks cabinet (I'm informed that he appreciated the 40+ years oak aged single malt but only with a splash of Lea & Perrins) and shaved the front half of his head in an attempt to mimic Lucius Malfoy's receding hairline. I did apologise for this last offense but was interrupted by James claiming that Malfoy Snr is "cool". At which point I either set fire to the Manor greenhouses or Obliviated myself. The next 20 minutes were a rather reddish haze and by the time I recovered we were back at Ginny and Luna's with both boys under the impression that they would be having another sleepover the following week.

Well that's it from me, thanks again for the parchment and potion!

Harry

P.S. The Dark Horse was great! Watched it with the old'uns and they've decided to set up a school chess club. Ron will be coaching as, apparently, I "haven't got a tragic enough backstory to make a believable coach".

P.P.S. Return recommendation for you: Nebraska. Film about a grumpy old man who hates everyone and everything, for some reason it really spoke to me.

 

Sunday 25th September 2016

Dear Harry,

Thank you for the update, I will respond in full once I have watched Nebraska and concocted a believable story regarding the fate of the chocolate frogs. I must confess myself mystified at your friend's reference to a "schoolboy crush" in connection to Mr Malfoy; my understanding was that your loathing to him was unquenchable.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Sunday 25th September 2016

Dearest Pans,

How are you, most naughtily nibble-worthy of nosegays? I miss you. Every time I floo you're either off with Greg or rowing with Theo. Come over to the Manor for tea and trashtalk?

Yours for eternity,

Draco

 

Monday 26th September 2016

Darling Draco,

What is going on? I saw you 36 hours ago at Blaise's pug's poetry reading, where you made a point of moaning and groaning, huffing and puffing, whinging and whining about how busy you are, how annoying Potter is, how much time the sleepover was taking up and Dear Diana on her shiny throne of still beating hearts. What has happened with Potter??? It staggers me that I could have written so much of this note without realising that your sudden need to talk could only be connected to the Boy Who Tumble Dried His Own Hair.

Tell me all.

Avidly,

Pans xxx

 

Monday 26th September 2016

Clever clever Pansy,

I am unable to give details (that tiresome Fidelius Charm is at work again) but I think Potter may have confessed to his "Mr X" that, during our time at Hogwarts, he had a schoolboy crush on one Draco Lucius Malfoy.

Gleefully yours,

Draco

 

Monday 26th September 2016

Draco,

!!! I will bring Daisy over after school tomorrow.

love, love, love,

Pansy

Chapter Text

Tuesday 27th September 2016

Dear Mr X,

Believe me, you aren't the only one confused by Luna. Half the time I'm convinced that she is a precious bubble of whimsy, floating high above us all. The rest of the time I'm reeling from the trail of shattered self-delusion she leaves in her wake. Top hits include: "but Harry, you can be attracted to boys as well as girls", "do you think that part of the reason your aunt and uncle were so mean to you was because you were a Horcrux and therefore sapped the hope and love from their home?" and "I believe that the manufacturer pronounces it "new-tell-uh"".

I think the "schoolboy crush" was a reference to Albus' friendship with Scorpius Malfoy. The two of them have been nearly inseparable since meeting on the schools Muggle field-trips program. The other day I caught James telling Albus that it was just as well that Al was "going to marry a rich kid" because second sons always "go a bit wrong", due to all the father's money going to the first born, and become "vicars or Nazis or summit". I ended up explaining to Albus that no, he won't be left poor and destitute when I die, while simultaneously reassuring James that he will get some of my money. Bit stressful at the time but I think it's taken the shine off patricide for James and reassured Albus that he doesn't need to marry for money. Although he in turn assured me that he and Scorpius are "just friends" and don't intend to make anything official until their first year at Hogwarts. Strangely enough, I found this less than comforting.

It's either that or Luna's picked up on the fact that I'm dating Oliver Wood*. We haven't told anyone yet - he wants to settle in at Puddlemere and I'm in no rush to launch another Daily Prophet libel suit - but I know that you'll keep mum on the subject. For now owl me your thoughts on Babiditch's tactics and I'll make sure that Oliver passes them on!

Hope you enjoy Nebraska,

Harry

*!!!!!!!

 

Tuesday 27th September 2016

Dearest Draco,

Lovely beyond words to see you today but are you sure that nothing is troubling you? You were so quiet and not half as gleeful about the Potter crush as I had expected. It did occur to me that you might be taking it a little more seriously then your first note suggested? He always held a certain fascination for you at Hogwarts... You told me to leave you be but sometimes it's easier to owl, rather than spill one's guts face-to-face.

Please feel free to ignore these ramblings, Theo has turned up in a thundering bad mood and completely frazzled my hard won equilibrium. It startles me to say it but I do hope that Astoria returns to London soon. Living with my husband is apparently only tolerable when he is being largely entertained by your ex-wife.

love love love,

Pans

 

Wednesday 28th September 2016

Dear Pansy,

Yes, I am very well. Just busy with work.

Hope Theo cheers up or buggers off soon.

Love,

Draco

 

Wednesday 28th September 2016

Weasley,

Very sorry but work is piling up and I will have to give your party a miss.

Best,

Malfoy

 

Wednesday 28th September 2016

Draco,

Sorry to hear that. Here's a revised timetable for the party, just in case you think you might be able to squeeze us in:

Wednesday - Draco gives a piss poor excuse for not attending Hermione and Ron's Baby Blow-out Party.

Wednesday - Ron reads piss poor excuse and knows it's a piss poor excuse because Draco is a rich wanker who owns his own company and regularly skives off work.

Wednesday - Ron owls Luna.

Friday, 2 hours before the party - Luna owls Draco and casually, in-between fey observations about the giddiness of rainbows and the musings of hedgehogs, mentions Malfoy dungeons, torture, hope, redemption, mending bridges, soothing troubled waters, the ties of friendship, etc etc.

Friday - Draco comes to the party.

Cheers!

Ron

 

Chapter Text

Friday 30th September 2016

Alright lads, tonight's the night!

Hermione's Baby Blow-out starts as soon as you lot manage to skive off work and carries on until either she births the sprog or we all blackout from overindulging in Harry's Aloo Gosht (might want to make a couple of pans, mate - maybe 4-5?). Considering my bodacious better-half is now 5 weeks late I'm expecting the sun to implode and our world to be plunged into the next Ice Age before we meet the future Canons Captain, but let's keep positive.

For those of you who are new (Eddie, Draco, Lee, Cho) - the Baby Blow-out is a Weasley family tradition to encourage late arrivals. This involves every tip you've ever heard for bringing on labour including: a fuck tonne of spicey food, pina coladas (virgin, in Hermione's case, poor lamb) and pineapple upside-down cake.

Our Healer also says that bouncing can help bring the labour on (note from Hermione: it would be nice to think that modern magical medicine has something slightly more sophisticated up it's sleeve than "oh, just shake it out"). With this in mind, come armed with your funniest stories (I've got dibs on Harry throwing up all those chocolate frogs on his 25th birthday) or get on the dance mat. Either way I want Hermione laughing so much that the baby thinks there's a small earthquake happening and decides to evacuate post-haste.

I'm fairly sure that none of this stuff works but it's a chance for us to see you all before the latest howling, shitting, hurricane of joy drops in our laps!

Who's bringing what:

As previously mentioned, Harry is bringing Nanni Potdar's Aloo Gosht.

Ginny is BUYING, not making, Gin, buying, the chili-cupcakes from that Muggle Bakery 'round the back of Tavistock Square*.

Luna is bringing the pineapple upside-down cake. Or rather her own unique take on it which I am yet to sample but have been told incorporates the fruit's tradition as a symbol of affluence and forced migration. Which sounds terrifying but also includes midget gems and caramelized aphids. Something for everyone, then.

George and Angelina are bringing the booze.

Lee is bringing a lovingly crafted playlist, including a sample of McGonagall heartlessly taking points from Harry and me during 3rd year. Claims it's going to be motivating for Hermione.

Seamus and Dean are bringing chilli (carne+veggie) and NO FUCKING FIREWORKS FINNIGAN I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FEED THEM TO YOU IF I HEAR ROSE SAY ONE MORE WORD ABOUT HOW "BUNNY NICE" GUNPOWDER IS

Cho's coming out strong for Favourite Guest by bringing White Chocolate Chai Spice Cake.

Draco's in hot pursuit with an anecdote about the time his second wife convinced him to get cornrows. (And the resulting debate between him and Hermione about whether the fact his ex-wife is black means it wasn't cultural appropriation should be swift, brutal, and greatly enjoyed by yours truly)

No idea what Eddie's bringing but I heard him singing The Supremes when I left the office. Which was a true delight and will be repeatedly requested all evening until he gives in or does all my paperwork for the next month.

Everyone else: if you want to bring something that would be great but don't feel obliged.

See you later!

Ron

*I swear on the life of both our unborn children, Gin: if you try to bake anything I will tell Mum what really happened during the summer between 6th and 7th year when you were "at Quidditch Camp".

 

Friday 30th September 2016

You alright mate? Seem a bit stressed.

Harry

P.S. Can I bring a date tonight?

P.P.S. Is Draco really coming? I ran into him on Diagon today and he got all twitchy when I mentioned the party and dived into Madam Malkins.

P.P.P.S. Does he seem a bit odd to you? More than normal? Last time I saw him he was almost pleasant and then today he was back to being all sniffy and Slytherinish.

P.P.P.P.S. He saluted me. Before he dashed into Malkins and began staring intensely at a display of Winsome Witches Reinforced Tights I thought he was going to shake my hand and then he fucking saluted me.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Think about it. Why would he be buying tights? Something's up. Might try and dig a bit deeper tonight.

 

Friday 30th September 2016

Hermione is climbing the walls.

Rose has just informed me that "Shay-mouse say fire good taste yum more".

Ginny is using one of her pregnant lady cards to insist that she be allowed to bake for tonight.

And you've got me picturing Draco in a pair of tights.

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DO YOU THINK?

 

Friday 30th September 2016

Fair point, I'll talk Ginny out of the baking and keep Seamus away from Rose. Just concentrate on Hermione, tonight'll be great!

Harry,

P.S. I don't think the tights were for him. Draco's got those long legs so he'd probably have to have them specially made. If he was going to wear tights. Stockings would probably fit better. But he was looking at tights. Something's up. I can feel it.

Chapter Text

Saturday 1st October 2016

Dear Hermighty and Rondiculous,

Stupidly good to see both you lovely faces last night - faces which I assume are currently buried in remains Cho's Chai Spice Cake? Do you think she snuck some Amortentia in there? Luna is my one and only Moonbeam and I haven't wanted anyone else since 6th year (soz Haz) but last night and that cake called everything I thought I knew about our marriage into question. Do you think Cho and Eric would be interested in entering into some kind of polyamorous union with Luna and I? Cho could bake the cake for the bonding ceremony and then I could name our next child after it.

Speaking of Cho, how did you convince her to come out?!? I haven't seen her since the wedding and had assumed that she and Eric had either decided to stay in Japan or had joined one of those Muggle-worshiping cults. Did you see Harry when she walked in? Sweet baby was positively bouncing and when she spoke to Malfoy first, oh, his little face! Didn't even realise Cho and Malfoy were besties although I also didn't know about Sad Old Man Rock Saturdays (I ask again, why have Luna and I not been invited to make fun of you all?!?). So many secrets, so little time to ferret (!) them out before Hermione gives birth to her elephant baby and Mum's attention switches fully onto my own bouncing bump.

Sorry I had to leave so early, Luna said the rest of the night was "entertaining but not relentlessly so".

Thanks again and lots of love,

Gin Gin xxxxxxx

P.S. Any idea who was sick in the hood of Luna's plastic raincoat? Smelled like booze so Hermione and I are ruled out.

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Dear Ginny,

Someone vomited in Luna's hood?!? She didn't put it on did she? She doesn't blame us? I know it happened in our house but Luna is such a fantastic person and the idea that we have failed

[giant ink splatter]

Alright Gin, Ron here. Taking over while Hermione has quick a sit down.

Sorry about Luna's hood, can tell you that it wasn't me. Too busy keeping everyone else topped up to drink much myself. My bet is on either Harry, Oliver or Draco. Once you headed out they got into some intense staring thing, bit like Harry and Draco at school but with added Wood (hur hur hur), and ended up doing shots. First Harry would hold up a shot glass and saying something terrible like "to Hogwarts, where it all began" and give Oliver some X-rated eye contact. Then as soon as they'd all drank Draco would hold up another glass and say something awful like "to true love, hold each other close and may blessings fall on both your houses", while looking like he was about to surgically remove Harry's face. They'd drink and then Oliver would hold up a glass and toast some combination of "lads", "banter", "good times" and "that moment of peace, when Quaffle meets glove" while gazing lovingly at the Quidditch almanac perched behind Harry's head. After three rounds of this I wandered off and Hermione informs me that it ended with them all competing to see who could sing Hoggy Hoggy Hogwarts the loudest. Harry won.

Couple of things:

  • Thanks for coming out, meant a lot.
  • Fuck you. "Sad Old Man Rock Saturdays" are closed to runts who fail to appreciate decent music. (Hi Gin, Hermione here! Just wanted to say that the only reason we didn't invite you is that you and Luna have far better music taste than any of us and Draco did suggest we invite you next week but I said that you prefer M.I.A. to The Smiths and he went a bit pale and said "dear lord". Back to Ron xxx)
  • Cho and Draco bonded during that War Rehabilitation Seminar the Ministry made us all attend. Or Speed-Dating for the Emotionally Traumatised as Harry called it. You remember how everyone got 2 minutes to clear the air before moving on to the next table and at the end we all had to tick who we'd be happy to talk to again? Well turns out that Hermione, Luna and Cho were the only people to pick Draco. Feel like a right dick about it now, we could have been chess chums so much sooner :( Anyway, they bonded and now get very excited and squeaky whenever they see each other. Although no idea why he kept shouting her down every time she tried to chat to Harry about her honeymoon.

Love to Luna and tell her sorry about the hood,

Ron

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Ron,

Heard about what happened to Luna's hood? Al's already choreographed a dance routine to commemorate the moment it was discovered and Luna, wondrous woman, is threatening to cover the whole mess with glitter and carry on wearing it. Brilliant!

Bit embarassing but you don't remember if Oliver and I left together, do you? Think those Shrieking Shotputters got the better of me and there's no sign of Oliver this morning but we had planned for him to stay over. I've sent him an owl but it would help if I remembered a bit more about how the night ended.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Harry,

Thanks for coming out and keeping Ginny away from the kitchen, you probably saved a few lives there.

Oliver got an owl about an emergency Puddlemere practice - probably the manager waking up in a cold sweat, realizing he's championing the shitest team in the league, eh? You ended up getting into an argument with Draco about the correct way to mow a lawn. Me pointing out that you are both wizards and pathetic had no impact and it only ended when Luna climbed on the dance mat and requested some Lana Del Rey. The image of her and Dean dancing a hornpipe to Summertime Sadness will warm my heart until my dying day.

Cheers!

Ron

P.S. Ginny's gone full Miss Marple over the Phatom Vommer and has narrowed it down to Nev, Blaise or possibly herself during a bout of nighttime morning sickness. At first she thought it smelt like booze so counted herself out but turns out that smell was actually James using brown gloss paint to make Al more ginger. So, to summarize, there's no alcohol in the mystery vomit and the next time you see your youngest son he may have a shaved head.

Chapter Text

Saturday 1st October 2016

Darling Draco,

How went the Weasley-Potter pile on? Are you still intact? All your bits and pieces where they should be? Ego unpunctured and id firmly locked up?

I tease but I am a little uneasy not to have heard from you. Receiving a 2am firecall from one's famously Floo-averse platonic life partner is cause enough for palpitations and that's before you started wailing about dying alone and all kinds of dreadful rubbish (honestly, Draco, I thought we'd grown out of all that in 6th year, have you forgotten our Astronomy Tower pact?).

Please let me know that you are fully recovered and ready to dish whatever dirt you were grubbing around in last night.

Love love love,

Pans

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Dearest Pansy,

Malfoys do not "wail", "grub" or allow themselves to be guilt tripped over pacts to "always be excellent"* made between two psychologically and emotionally compromised 16 year olds in the middle of a war.

Thank you for your concern and I do apologise for the Floo call. Please pass on my regards to Daisy and tell her that waking up to find my fringe plaited with tiny green and silver bows made this morning's hangover marginally less soul-crushing. I assume that the plaiting was Daisy and not your own work? As you may have gathered my memories of last night are...

Well they're lacking.

I do remember that Ron and Hermione (fear not, still Weasley and Granger to their faces) were delightful, if rather exuberant hosts. Cho and I caught up (she and Eric are talking about adoption! I offered her Martin and she declined on the grounds that he "is far too much like his father"). Blaise was late but delightful as ever (that thing he's been having with the non-evil Patil twin rumbles on, he's already talking about a June wedding). I have hazy recollections of Luna, Neville Longbottom and I making a promise to visit Kew Gardens together (Longbottom tells me that it's a Muggle version of Mother's kitchen garden) and Lee Jordan has already owl'd over a Echo & the Bunnymen compilation that I've been searching for for eons. A fairly successful night, all told. You must make an effort to come to the next one.

Everlasting appreciation and love,

Draco

*I assume that is the pact you were referring to and not the nonsense about learning from our mistakes and rebuilding the house of Slytherin because I really cannot be held responsible for anything I say under the influence of Millie's Brutally Battered Wine.

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Devious Draco,

How neatly you sidestep all mention of your own early morning Heathcliff impression and yet you forget, my love, that I sprang from the same clutch of eggs as you. If you'd merely brushed it off as the boozy blues I would have left you alone to nurse your well deserved hangover. Instead you attempt to avoid the issue and make no mention of Potter? Tut, tut.

Now, tell Pansy. Why were you angsting among the ashes and who do I need to hex?

Love love love,

Pans

P.S. Yes, your wailing woke Daisy and, once you'd fallen asleep, she took her revenge. I cannot deny, I shed a few proud tears.

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Draco,

A quick P.P.S. to your last note: do not dare speak of giving away Martin, even in jest. He is the only child either of us have managed to produce who has even the slightest chance of being sorted into Slytherin (if I can accept that Daisy is probably a Hufflepuff, you can accept that Scorpius is a fully paid up Gryffindork) and Emma is the only one of your ex-girlfriends/wives who hasn't actively tried to out-scheme me. Let's try to keep them both on side, hmmm?

P xxx

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Dear Pansy,

Daisy truly is her mother's daughter, to the extent that if she does receive a Hogwarts letter she will bypass the Hufflepuff table and take her rightful seat at Slytherin, regardless of whatever that daffy hat may bellow.

Now, from the serious to the not-so-serious, last night's Floo call really must be dismissed as drunken rambling.

I will admit that being at a party full of couples (and Gryffindor couples, at that - Cho and Luna seemed to have fully assimilated) was a little trying given my current lack of a love life. And I did spend a great deal of the evening talking to Potter who was disgustingly flushed from his latest mauling by Oliver Wood.

At one point Potter and I were alone in the kitchen - I believe that Wood was reenacting his latest Quidditch triumph for Hermione, who looked like she was ready to perform her own cesarean - and Potter began regaling me with how he and Wood started dating. At first I was vaguely interested but after he'd told me about their first date (a Quidditch match), their second date (a Quidditch match), their third date (a Quidditch match), their fourth date (a broom launch), their fifth date (a Quidditch match) and their sixth date (a Quidditch match, followed by a broom launch) my mind began to drift.

While I personally have no desire to date someone like Wood (far too hearty for my tastes) I must admit a slight twinge of jealousy. In a burst of misguided self-confidence I had assumed that once I decided to start dating again I would be inundated with romantic offers and it is a little galling that the only overtures I've experienced took the form of Zacharias Smith curling up in my lap while high on glue.

In my drunken haze the idea of having someone to attend social functions with, to speak the language of eyebrows with over dinner, to tell horrifically boring stories about how we reunited met and to wake up with the next day. Well. Yes, reading this back I'm tempted to incinerate the entire thing. I will let it stand, however, as a sad testament to Draco Lucius Malfoy's chronic love life. Maybe it is time I accepted your offer to set me up?

Yours, feeling suddenly rather blue,

Draco

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Dearest, darlingest, Draco,

I will, of course, be happy, excited, ecstatic, elated, etc etc to set you up. To clarify: following our conversation at the Slytherin alumni barn dance - can I assume that you will be open to dating across the genders? Because I have a truly delicious Zumba instructor I was saving for Toby but who would look so much moreish on your arm.

Love love love,

Pans

 

Saturday 1st October 2016

Pansy,

We made a solemn vow that we would never speak of the barn dance.

Draco

P.S. Yes, I am interested in broadening my dating pool but please, allow me to benefit from Potter's mistakes and say no fitness fanatics.

Chapter Text

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Draco,

Still up for the Puddlemere match today? I had to borrow Ron's pensieve but - Shrieking Shotputter induced hallucinations aside - I can confirm that you told Oliver you'd be at his next game! Ron's bailed (probably to cry into his Cannons slanket), Gin's at the Harpies game, Hermione's still keep her Puddle status quiet (coward, I sent her a Howler chanting "Puddle and Proud!", she's retaliated by saddling me with the school's Q4 VAT return) and I've got a spare ticket for the players box. Meet you there at 2.30?

Cheers!

Harry

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Potter,

Hallucinations? Please do tell me more. I have hazy memories of Ron repeatedly announcing that "Draco's changed, he's less of a ferret and more of a loyal hound". I am, understandably, rather desperate to assign this to the status of casual-drunken-hallucination, as opposed to slowly murdering the only man who can almost best me at chess.

Up the Puddles, etc etc but can't make the match I'm afraid, yesterday I made the mistake of allowing Pansy to play matchmaker and today I find myself committed to two lunch dates and a dinner date. With organisational skills like this it still boggles my mind that she didn't find a more efficient way of handing you over to my old lodger.

Best,

Draco

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Draco,

Apparently my hallucination was that you're a true Puddle (the other was that Hermione asked me to deliver her baby in the middle of the party). Next time?

Give my condolences to all your dates - I'm assuming that they're with different people and Pansy's organisational skills don't extend to orchestrating a 24 hour whirlwind romance. Where did she dig them all up? Can't be that many people out there with a fetish for tall, twiggy + fey-as-fuck.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Potter,

The Malfoys have supported Puddlemere United since the team was first founded by grand-mère Musca Malfoy in 1163. The suggestion that I would ever choose romance over the Puddles is as scandalous as it is laughable. I will, of course, be sending a Remembrall down to record the whole game and gracing Oliver with my ensuing observations.

Draco

P.S. For you information, the list of people with a predilection for "fey-as-fuck" is so lengthy that Pansy has filled my social calendar up until Christmas. I'm sure that this revelation has left you scrapping your jaw off the ground but apparently some of us are able to withstand the siren call of a muddy Quidditch uniform.

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Dear Mr X,

Hello from the Puddlemere Players box! I'm the only one here - friendlies don't tend to attract that big a crowd, although maybe you already know that? Maybe you're here now? Actually if you are here now you're either an elderly witch with a carrier bag full of brown knitting who keeps screaming "mother fucker!" every time Oliver lets the Quaffle in, or the portrait of Sir Puddlesome. He's been hurling insults at my hair since I got here (bold words for a man wearing a painted wig) so probably not, eh?

Speaking of which - did you know that Sir Puddlesome was not the original Puddlemere founder? I was chatting to Draco Malfoy via owl this morning and he mentioned his great great great gran (give or take a few greats, also depending of your definition of "great" and whether that can ever be unironically applied to a Malfoy) was the proper founder. I checked in with the ground stewards and they said that the old girl had a bit of a thing for "young men and women in tight trousers with hard wood between there legs". Once I got over the shock of finding out that I have so much in common with Grannie Malfoy it kind of made sense. Puddlemere uniforms are definitely the most risque in the league (did you know that they used to fly in PVC, back in the 80s? can't even imagine the chaffing). Clearly some inspired pervert had a hand (ha!) in the whole thing and Sir Puddlesome doesn't have the look of a man who appreciates skin-tight breeches.

Everything's quiet at the school - we've got exams coming up so the old'uns are spending all their time revising (I say, laughing nervously and repressing memories of my own commitment to revising) and the little'uns are already working on the Christmas play. They've narrowed it down to either Home Alone or The Nightmare Before Christmas. Nadine is also planning a film festival, the line-up so far includes The Search for Santa Paws, The 12 Dogs of Christmas and that Sigur Ros film; The Three Dogateers. Let me know if you want tickets to either of them.

Freddie's settling in well. Draco was brilliant with the legal stuff and he's been inviting Freddie over for tea with his own sons most weeks. My boys have been going along as well (giving their mums a break, Ginny's pregnancy has officially reached the point where she starts muttering about patriarchal conspiracies) and none of them has lost any vital body parts yet. Although Scorpius Malfoy is down to only 3 teeth and Al's currently bald due to a "style intervention" from his older brother. They look like they're auditioning for the Adrian Mole version of This Is England.

Well, that's it from me. Looks like the game's over (I think Puddlemere won? turns out I'm not very good at multitasking), not as much fun watching on my own. I had hoped to get Draco along but he's off romancing the next Mrs Malfoy. Bit of a surprise as I didn't even realise that he was interested in meeting someone; although he's asked about me and Oliver a few times and the lack of sneering should have tipped me off. He's got Parkinson setting him up so they're probably a chorus-line of anemic Hooray Henrietta's that she can intimidate without having to break a sweat. Shame because, if you ask me, Malfoy needs someone with a bit more fire. Man loves a good argument, you should have seen him and Hermione getting into it over the need to sync up Muggle-born and Squib outreach programs. First time I've seen him smile properly since school.

Anyway! Ta-ra for now,

Harry

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Alright Draco,

How's the wooing?

Harry

P.S. Puddlemere won, thought you might like to know in case you're still pretending to be a fan. My boyfriend saved 38 goals! He also let in 12 but Chroaker caught the snitch 45 minutes in.

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Potter,

"The wooing" is continuing a pace. I've had vegetable lasagna with Clove (Zumba Instructor, I tried to tell Pansy no fitness fanatics, pronouns: they/them, likes: dogs and long walks on the beach, dislikes: heteronormativity and the sound of sellotape coming off the roll), followed by a walk on Hampstead Heath. Then I had Zighny with Florence (Healer, pronouns: she/her, likes: reenacting Stewart Lee routines, at length, dislikes: talking about things that aren't Stewart Lee), followed by a trip to see Captain Fantastic (do give it a watch, it's how I always imagined the Weasley home life), and next I'm having Dim Sum with Kevin (teacher, pronouns: he/him, likes: yet to be established, dislikes: committing to plans more than 30 minutes in advance).

Give Oliver my congratulations.

Draco

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Draco,

Clove sounds like the best of the bunch but what's wrong with fitness fanatics?

Harry

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Potter,

Nothing at all, I simply find it a little difficult to talk exclusively about sport for prolonged periods of time and so prefer to maintain platonic relationships. Obviously there are always exceptions to every rule. Your relationship with Oliver, for example, is clearly a meeting of the minds, nourished by a shared boyhood, forged in the same fire as all the great romances etc etc. Yes, before you scrunch up those awfully thick eyebrows and force out a befuddled moue, I am partly joking but only in the grandiose terms, the sentiment is real.

Thank you for the input regarding my own dating. I think I'm going to owl Clove and cancel Kevin, he's already ten minutes late and three dates in one day really is too much - even for a renowned romancer such as myself.

Best,

Draco

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Draco,

Good call on Clove. Fuck Kevin, renowned romancers wait for no man (or person).

Cheers!

Harry

 

Sunday 2nd October 2016

Hey Gin,

Think I need to dump Oliver. Owl when you get a chance.

Harry xx

Chapter Text

[sent to 587 recipients]

Friday 7th October 2016

Hello!

Ronald Bilius Weasley, Hermione Jean Granger and Rose Minerva Granger-Weasley were delighted to welcome Hugo Remus Granger-Weasley into their family on 5th October 2016.

Vital stats:

10 toes and 12 fingers (already an overachiever)

Labour: 20 hours, giving Hermione time to write the final chapter of her literary debut: Hogwarts, We Barely Knew Ye

Weight: 8.2 lb

TOB: 9:05 am

Owl if you'd like to come over and say hi/get misty-eyed over his ability to burp, fart, snore and dribble at the same time.

Thanks!

Ron, Hermione, Rose and Hugo

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Dear Harry,

How are you? I do hope that everything is well at the school and that you've enjoyed your week with the boys. Ginny sends her best wishes and asks you to bring James and Al to St. Mungos for the afternoon visiting hours. These are from 4-6pm but I am sure that a combination of heroic and befuddled on your part will convince the staff to extend them.

Ginny is expected to be released after the weekend, the Healers say that the little caterpillar is doing well and not quite ready to take flight from the cocoon of Ginny's womb. Molly and Arthur appeared a little confused by this metaphour, inspiring me to render it in watercolours. They seemed most appreciative of my efforts and so I have included a copy for you. Please note that the dark lines are antennas, not pubic hair.

[32 years later, Harry handed out copies of this painting during his father of the bride speech at Lily Luna Lovegood-Potter-Weasley's wedding]

Ginny sends her apologies that she has not been able to discuss your romantic trials and tribulations. The birth of Hugo and her own health scare gave her little time or energy to devote to your entanglements, but she has suggested that I might be a suitable confidant for you. How are things with Oliver? It was very nice of him to visit Hermione in the hospital and I'm sure that, despite Ron's reservations, Hugo's life-time Puddlemere pass will be greatly appreciated.

Yours with peace and love,

Luna

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Dear Luna,

Thank you for the painting, I will treasure it. Truly.

Good that Gin's getting out soon, I'll have James and Al there tonight at 4 on the dot. Want me to keep them over the weekend?

Regarding my "entanglements" - Hermione and Gin's cavorting around St. Mungo's had rather put the whole thing out of my head. I'd been chatting a bit with Draco; he's started dating and mentioned what he's looking for in a partner. It all sounded very nice and reasonable and like the kind of thing I'd want for myself. Unfortunately I realised that Oliver isn't really the man to give that to me. He's great and loads of fun but I just don't seem to have a deeper connection with him. This wouldn't have bothered me a few years ago but I seem to have finally reached that point where lots of vigorous sex in the Puddlemere changing rooms isn't quite enough to inspire a love that will last throughout the ages. Who knew?

Now that he's made such an effort with Hermione I feel a bit guilty about dumping him so I'm going to let it trundle on for a few more months, maybe see how much of the Wanton Wizards Debauchery Dictionary we can work through, and then call it a day in the new year.

What do you think?

Love,

Harry

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Dear Harry,

If you could keep the boys over the weekend it would be greatly appreciated by both Ginny and myself.

The realisation that you, in fact, would prefer a relationship with Draco must have been rather confusing and I applaud your decision to focus on yourself for a while. Making Oliver think that you want to build a relationship with him in order to avoid awkward conversations and to improve your own sexual prowess seems like a scheme that will benefit you greatly. 

Love and peace,

Luna

 

Friday 7th October 2016

I don't want

Draco isn't

Olive is a good guy and

Why do you always

Point made, I'll break up with Oliver. You're wrong about Draco, though. Thinking he's not a complete arsehole and has some good ideas about dating does not mean that I fancy him.

Love,

Harry

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Draco,

Still up for the Puddlemere match tomorrow or are you still captaining the love boat?

Cheers!

Harry

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Potter,

I'm visiting Granger and her new lump of Weasley tomorrow at 10, when does the match start?

If by "captaining the love boat" you mean to ask if I am still allowing Pansy free reign over my romantic life, the answer is no.

Best,

Draco

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Draco,

It starts at 11.30 so you've got time to throw a load of green and silver shit at Hugo, have a fight with Hermione and pick me up a coffee from the cafe opposite St. Mungos before flooing over to the stadium. No milk, 2 spoons of sugar and maybe some of that salted caramel syrup if they've got it?

Cheers!

Harry

P.S. What's gone wrong? You decided to stick with Clove or to just enjoying being single for a bit longer?

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Potter,

You appear to be confused, allow me to enlighten you. I, Draco Lucius Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy estate, respected barrister, future Wizengamot judge, proud father of two and survivor of Millicent Bulstrode's '08 '09 '10 '11 '12 '14 and '15 New Years Eve parties, am not in the business of ferrying appalling coffee to my childhood nemesis, just so he can spill it all down himself every time his boyfriend even looks at the Quaffle.

Nothing is wrong with my romantic life, I am simply unable to keep up with the rapid pace set by Pansy (18 dates in 4 days, I had no idea she was so keen to pair me off) and finish up all the case work on the Muggle-born funding project.

Best,

Draco

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Draco,

Can you see if they have any of those tiny gingerbread men as well? Not the ones that walk and talk, just the Muggle ones (having something plead for it's life while I bite it's head off is a bit rank, don't you think)? Also Oliver isn't going to be my boyfriend much longer so allow me a few more hours of ogling without your eyebrows dancing all over the place.

Right. The Muggle-born funding project. We're going to need to have words on that. We can't afford to loose any more funding for the school and I was hoping your lot could find someone else to go after this year?

Cheers,

Harry

 

Friday 7th October 2016

Potter,

I'm not buying your bloody coffee. I'm also not discussing work in the middle of a thousand screaming Quidditch fans. If you want to talk about the funding make an appointment with my assistant, like a normal person.

See you tomorrow,

Draco

Chapter Text

Sunday 9th October

Dear Mr X-Rated,

Having a good weekend? Ginny's been in hospital for the last week (having the baby checked over, it's fine) so I've been looking after the boys and, as a thank you*, Luna stopped off this morning with a homemade Christmas coffee. It's called an Ice Ice Maybe and contains 4 melted candy canes, 2 triple-shots of espresso, a packet of Chewits and a mystery ingredient (hence the "Maybe") which I'm fairly sure is the kind of thing designed to be snorted off a toilet seat. (Disclaimer: clearly - I hope? - this is an exageration and I'm not actually about to start gurning my way through the staff expense claims).

Luna was also doing a favour for Hermione who spent the last month of her pregnancy writing a fucking shitting book. It's about what happened after the Battle for Hogwarts; how all those corrupt Ministry officials ended up squirreling away all the aid money, why Fudge and Umbridge were never prosecuted, etc etc. Hermione asked Luna to tap a quick interview with me re. what I was up to when all this was happening. Ended up being a bit of a dismal trip down memory lane as, for the most part, after the Battle of Hogwarts and the defeat of Snakey McSnakeface, I did fuck all nothing.

The only thing I did do was spend a bit of time tracking down the Potter family. Not going to lie, I had ideas about finding a massive Weasley-style family of Potters, complete with plausible excuses for why they'd never been in touch. Turns out that the plausible excuse was that they're all dead. In 8 months of searching all I'd managed to dig up (not literally, thank fuck) was my dad's mum's mum's sister, living in an old people's home in Bournemouth and with a memory that seems to stop around the year 1981.

She ended up giving me my Nanni Potdar's recipe books (at some point the name got Anglicized to Potter), a handful of villages in the North of India that might have some of my 19th cousins removed bashing around in them, and a story about how my dad used to take me on the Tube when I couldn't sleep. At the time I didn't think much of it but when James was being a complete arsehole unable to sleep I ended up taking him on the tube to see if it would calm him down - out like a light! Ever since then the Tube has been my thinking spot which the HP Fan Club found very interesting (reserve judgement, if I don't throw them a bone every now and then they start going through my bins) - but it's hardly a tale of political intrigue and corruption.

[a hastily scribbled out paragraph, followed by a trail of ink blots and splashes of something brown, the letter then carries on in a different colour ink, on a different piece of parchment which has been stapled to the first sheet, some of the staples have blood on them]

Shitting hell Sorry about that. Just realised that I'm probably the worst correspondent in the history of the world. All you asked for was some guff about the school and I'm twatting on about retirement homes and my son's nap routine.

Quick rundown of what you really want!

  • A few weeks ago Brian declared that he is "done" with French and wishes instead to "read Dostoevsky in the writer's mother tongue". When our French teacher, M. Bonbon, refused to give in to the pretentious precocious little shit-stirrer student's demands, Brian started doing the Mockingjay whistle whenever M. Bonbon walked into a classroom. This rather hurt M. Bonbon's feelings as, apparently, he's a fan of The Hunger Games and "always considered myself more of a Haymitch than a President Snow". So we're now searching for a new French teacher and a Russian tutor for Brian.
  • Rehearsals for the school play are going well. Nadine and Jacob are putting what they picked up on their MILF internships to good use, although Nadine has started strolling around in jodhpurs and growling at the Non-Denominational Spirits Of The Sky when they forget their lines. She informed me, with a wistful smile and a helpless shrug that this is how all the best directors manage their casts.
  • Jacob's International Anti-Bullying Court is getting ready to try it's third case. It was felt that the punishments meted out in the previous two cases were slightly overzealous (and failed to comply with the Geneva Conventions) so we've had to weather accusations of cronyism and elect a member of staff to the board.
  • The only other thing going on is that we've got exams next week (the old 'uns are all dropping over their revision or weeping pitifully over UCAS applications). Oh! Hermione had her baby! Beafy little bruiser called Hugo Remus Granger-Weasley. 8.2 lbs (no idea what that means but every woman I tell it to winces) and clearly Gryffindor through and through. Or maybe Slytherin as he pissed all over Luna's incredibly annoying friend Gloria when she popped 'round for a cuddle. Gloria had been busy tormenting Hugo's Aunt Ginny by hanging bits of "healing feathers" and scraps of tinfoil all over her hospital room. By the time I got there the feathers were on fire, the tinfoil had melted onto the light fittings, Gloria was covered in piss and Ginny was looking much cheerier.

Well, that's it from me.

Hope you're well!

Harry

*I did tell Luna that there's really no need to thank me for looking after my own kids but she muttered something about the Razmankles being very skittish at the minute and how that left "the light and whimsical spirits among us vulnerable to outside manipulation". Yes. Luna Patron-Saint-Of-Moonbeams Lovegood is worried that I'm too whimsical.

 

Monday 10th October 2016

My Dear Harry,

You most certainly are not "the worst correspondent", although maybe a little disjointed. I enjoyed your latest update - Nadine's Michael Curtiz impersonation sounds delightful - I must confess, however, that it rather felt as if I was reading two different letters; one from Harry Potter the school secretary and one from Harry Potter the man.

Please do not feel that you must curtail yourself in order to cram in more updates on the school. I am aware that early on in our correspondence I insisted on a more professional tone, but over the last few months I have rethought my position and would greatly enjoy hearing more about your search for the elusive Potters/Potdars and whatever other observations you wish to share.

Please do pass on my congratulations to Ms Granger and Mr Weasley.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X.

 

Monday 10th October 2016

Dear Mr X,

Let's just put yesterday down to too much caffeine and not enough sleep. I'd been at the Puddlemere match with Draco and it ended up turning into a messy evening. Did you get a chance to see the match? Maybe you were there? If you were you probably spotted me and Draco, his hair's bright enough to guide ships lost at sea, let alone pick out of such a small crowd.

Disappointing to see such a low turnout, how can we expect the team to rally if the fans don't support them? Not that I'm having a go if you missed it. You probably had good reasons but Draco and I were agreeing that most of the fair-weather fans were probably toasting their arses in the Magpie swanky new stadium (flash wankers).

Never been able to understand people who just switch between teams like that. Draco said the same. He says that consistency is part of being a fan and if a fan can't stick with their team when they're flying arse-backwards into a raging gale, they've got no business taking pride when the team levitates the cup. 'Course he said it in posh wanker speak, no mention of arses. Think the worst word I've ever heard him say was "bloody" and even then he apologised by buying me a massive fancy coffee before the game. Another flash wanker, but the kind that it's alright to have around, unlike the sodding Magpies and their sodding heated seats.

After the game (still wincing at the result) I had a quick word with Oliver - we've decided to stop seeing each other - and then found Draco waiting for me at the apparition point. He said Luna had owl'd him that I might be in need of cheering up and it was his night without the boys. Bit awkward but we ended up heading to a nice Muggle pub up in Highgate and working our way through their whiskey menu. My memory goes a bit fuzzy after that but I woke up with him dribbling all over my sofa and a Malfoy elf making us blinis (mini-pancakes, for all those times when you only really want a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny bit of pancake).

Do you want me to owl over some tickets to the Christmas play? There are only about five left and it'd be a shame for you to miss it. I'll even rope off a shadowy bit of the stage and mark out a route for you to swing through the rafters in comfort.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Tuesday 11th October 2016

Dear Harry,

I am afraid that I will be unable to attend the School for Squibs Christmas play. Thank you for the offer, maybe Mr Malfoy would appreciate the tickets? From what you've told me he has invested a great deal of time in the school this year and the two of you appear to have put aside old school rivalries and become, if I'm not mistaken, friends?

Yours sincerely,

Mr X.

 

Wednesday 12th October 2016

Dear Mr X,

Draco's definitely improved since school and before Sunday morning I probably would have called him a friend. Then he woke up in a foul mood, insulted my sofa (which I don't give a shit care about but it's the kind of thing he cares about and was therefore obviously just to wind me up) and barely made eye-contact before snatching up the elf and disappearing in a flurry of pancake shavings.

So now the question I've been asking myself is; can you really call someone a friend if the only way you can bare to spend time around them is when you're yelling about Quidditch or pissed?

I'll keep a couple of tickets in case you change your mind.

Cheers!

Harry

Chapter Text

Friday 14th October 2016

Harry,

Did you fire M. Bonbon?!? Is it because he's a Harpies fan? I know you are (literally!) a green-eyed monster but jealousy is not going to help you score another Oliver Wood-a-like and it's not M. Bondon's fault that the Puddles are so crap!

Gin xxx

P.S. Haway the Harpies! Haway the Harpies! Haway haway haway the Harpies! And the cup comes marching home home home!

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Gin,

Fuck off! M. Bonbon quit because he got a better job offer (and because Brian kept leaving white roses soaked in red ink on his desk). Seeing as we only have Mr. X's money keeping the roof on the school I couldn't offer him a salary bump or a guarantee that Brian won't carry his current vendetta into adulthood and, potentially, the Tate Modern.

Not even joking, I found out yesterday that Brian's tumblr has 300k followers, it's nothing but him bitching about his "creative process". Meanwhile my Proud Puddles blog has 5 subscribers and 2 of them are spam accounts for "sexy singles in your area".

How did you find out that M. Bonbon was leaving? Also I'm not looking for another Oliver Wood.

Harry

P.S. The Harpies are a fad team for fair-weather fans who spend more time admiring their vintage, obscure European Quidditch robes than they do watching the game.

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Hazzer,

Phew! Luna said she saw him - M. Bonbon - at Malfoy Manor when she popped over to do Draco's interview for Hermione's book (can you believe she wrote a book?!? I'm as pregnant as she was and I've barely finished knitting half a bootie. Although to be fair to myself, it got massive very quickly and is probably more suitable for Hagrid's next sprog than our own).

Draco hired M. Bonbon as a French tutor for Scorpio and Martin so our favourite Frenchie will not starve to death, just because you can't handle losing against the Harpies (again! how are they even in the same league?!?). If I read your last letter correctly you hate the best team in the league because other people like them and their fans dress well? A.K.A. you are judging them on appearances, rather than the quality of the Quidditch they play?!?

Sorry about the Oliver dig, Luna said your tastes have moved on from dark and athletic to more pale and pompous?

Love,

Gin xxx

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Are you seriously telling me that fucking Malfoy is the reason M. Bonbon quit the school? Like it wasn't enough for him to kill all our funding bids, he's now nicking our staff as well? Fucking ferret!

Not going to dignify your Harpies/Oliver stuff with a response but please just be aware that you are wrong and a dick.

Harry

P.S. I am judging the Harpies on their Quidditch (which is boring, flat and nowhere near deserving of all those hipster "fans") and no, I have no interest in Malfoy beyond wanting to get my hands around his throat.

 

Friday 14th October 2016

"beyond wanting to get my hands around his throat"

I mean... you see what you're doing here, right? Like. You're aware of how this sounds?

Gin xxx

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Ok yes, that doesn't look great. Please don't show these letters to Luna. I honestly don't fancy Draco but she's got that intense "I see your true heart" thing going on and if she gets it into her head that I like him I can't imagine a single thing that would stop her from telling him.

Harry x

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Harry,

Of course I won't show her these letters and I'll make sure she knows not to say anything to Draco. But if you did (hypothetically!) like him it might be a good idea to tell him, rather than owling him a load of abuse re. M. Bonbon.

Love,

Gin xxx

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Draco,

What the fucking fuck are you doing poaching my staff? I've got a waiting room of French and Russian teachers to interview, no money in the school budget (thanks to your antics re. our funding) to make working here seem remotely appealing and, more importantly, M. Bonbon was the only staff member who could work the new coffee machine.

Why are you being such a prick?

Harry

P.S. Release M. Bonbon and I'll buy you dinner at that posh place on Greek Street, the one that keeps putting tinfoil in their puddings.

 

Friday 14th October 2016

Potter,

I did not "poach" M. Bonbon, I simply placed an advert for a French tutor and he was by far the superior candidate. He is free to return whenever he wishes.

As for L'Escargot that tinfoil is goldleaf and I refuse to have dinner with a man unable to tell the difference.

Sincerely yours,

A (Gigantic) Prick

Chapter Text

Sunday 16th October 2016

Darling Draco,

Lovely, as ever, to see you and the boys. Daisy has spent the entire evening sulking as Theo and I refuse to give her a baby brother; if she's anything like her mother by morning this dark mood will have morphed into a plan to kidnap Martin. Assuming you do not wish to lose him to my daughter's frantic scheming, may I suggest you hire a body double and strengthen the Manor wards? Or at least try to make him less appealing to trainee-harpies.

What was it you were trying to tell me before Greg arrived?

Love love love,

Pans

 

Sunday 16th October 2016

Dear Pansy,

A fortnight ago you wrote Daisy off as a Hufflepuff and today you're worried that she may be intent on kidnapping the only Malfoy heir with all his own teeth? (My poor Scorpius, as of this morning he has been reduced to only 2 molars and is existing on a diet of Capri Sun juice cartons and blended roast dinners) I have strengthened the Manor wards but have you considered ceding to Daisy's demands? As my 15 year old self can attest: Parkinson women are rather persistent creatures.

Prior to Gorgeous Greg's arrival (yes, your reaction to his new wardrobe did not escape my notice) I was merely updating you on the latest Potter Palaver. After the weekend's dismal Puddles-Harpies match I took him - Potter - up to The Flask in Highgate. It was Luna's suggestion; Potter was breaking things off with the delightfully dull Oliver Wood and she thought he might be in need of cheering. Why she decided I was the man for the job only those fluent in Lovegoodees will ever understand. Sufficient to say that the Nargals or Twinklewanks or some other nefarious creature were out in force and the evening was even more disastrous than the preceding Quidditch match.

We worked our way through their extensive whiskey list - Potter even ordered a dram of the novelty Halloween vintage "Witches Wee" (I abstained from this, truly enticing, concoction) - and the evening swiftly descended into trading insults over our respective careers. He is a sanctimonious do-gooder, I am a snobby funding-leech, etc etc. It was all rather fun, I do love winding up Potty and watching him try to navigate his way through a discussion over the upcoming Muggle-born funding bill without Hermione spoon-feeding him every retort was, in a word, delightful.

By the end of the night we were weaving our way down Archway Hill, swearing life-long acrimony, and finding that all the public Floos were closed he suggested that I "crash" at his flat. It wasn't until we reached the front door that I remembered how much I truly detest that vainglorious little man. Potter stopped me at the threshold and solemnly explained that, and I quote, "'ve jus broken up wiv Ollie an' you'rea decent bloke *hic* Draco, bu' 'm not inerested in you asa romanic prospec'" he then repeated this in various forms while shuffling me into an absolute pit of a "living room" (although how long life would be sustainable in such an environment is a matter of debate), throwing a blanket at me and telling me I'm "'n eggcellent enemy" before disappearing upstairs.

The nerve of the man! I made the mistake of telling him a few trifling details of my recent attempts at dating and he - naturally! - assumes that I have joined the queue of drooling devotees, just dying to wrap themselves around the Boy Wonder's appendage! To add insult to injury, he waved off all attempts on my part to refute his accusations, patting me on the shoulder and assuring me that I would "fin' sumone, yourea good lookin' man, Mal-hic-foy".

As if this wasn't enough (and I can confirm that it was) he owl'd me later in the week with a string of foul accusations about "poaching" his staff - I prefer to think of it as a search and rescue mission - and then asked me to dine with him at L'Escargot. I refused.

Outraged but, always, yours,

Draco

 

Sunday 16th October 2016

Dear Draco,

I am a gorgeous, healthy woman in her sexual peak, trapped in a loveless marriage to a complete drip of a man who has spent the last 10 years rutting away in your ex-wife's bed. I would have to be comatose not to appreciate whichever fairy godmother has taken Greg's wardrobe in hand.

The previous sentence also serves as a reminder why I will not be giving in to Daisy's demands for a younger brother; especially as I can barely protect one child from the Notts. Did I tell you that Theo's mother is - again - harping on about getting Daisy's magic tested? I am giving very serious thought to sending Daisy abroad until she reaches the age of majority. It would break my heart to have her so far away but I am starting to worry that I will wake up one day to find Daisy in Ollivander's clutches and Theo's mother researching those same experimental programs that destroyed dear Primrose.

Speaking of which, next month will be 25 years since her death and Mummy wishes to hold a small memorial service. Please say you'll come? It's a lot to ask but I cannot imagine getting through the evening without you. Mummy will be weeping all over the place over "my little treasure, snatched too soon" - as if she did not personally hand Primrose over to the people responsible for her death. Daddy will be politicking in the corner and asking me if I've considered having Daisy tested and Aunt Miriam is still trying to force me to take part in an attempt to contact Primrose's spirit ("twins have such an important bond, my dear, I'm sure your beloved sister's spirit will heed your call"). It's going to be completely miserable and I will be in sore need of my little dragon.

Moving from the gruesome to the ghastly; what on earth and in the heavens above can Potter be thinking? That you, Draco Malfoy, the boy who went 48 hours without sleep in order to perfect his Potter Stinks badges, the man who is currently funding Potter's school, scheming at a rate of knots to become his confidant, sucking up to all Potter's best friends, accompanying him to Quidditch matches, doing pro bono work for Potter's students and engineering a best friendship between his sons and your own. That he could think you would have any romantic interest in him is ludicrous! Outrageous! A scheme worthy of the Dark Lord himself!

I would offer to slap some sense into him if I wasn't worried about disturbing the birds nesting in that hodge-podge of hair.

Also outraged, also always yours,

Pansy

 

Sunday 16th October 2016

Poisonous Pansy,

I will channel your unsporting misrepresentation of my association with Potter into inventing new hexes for your family. Primrose's memorial will, of course, be a strain but you will not be alone. Your little dragon will be beside you, ready to unleash unforgivables at the first mention of Daisy's magical ability, reverse engineering Squib magic, experimental treatments, Muggle-born-bias, little treasures and/or anyone using the words "snatched too soon" in reference to anything other than the buffet.

Yours with a slightly dented ego but much love,

Draco

Chapter Text

Tuesday 18th October 2016

Dear Mr X-treme,

Well that's it, the last ticket for the School for Squibs Christmas Play was sold at 9:06 this morning to Gregory Goyle. I tried to keep a couple back for you but Gretel was onto my scheme - she's been running the ticket sales, all e-tickets, in deference to her newfound environmental autocracy awareness - and raised at least 6 circles of hell when she found out that I was trying to deny her favourite. She even threatened to report me to the school's Anti-Bullying Society. As the society is currently embroiled in an internal scandal (one of their founders, Brian, has been charged with bullying our ex-French teacher) I originally brushed off Gretel's threats but then she confiscated the rest of my parchment. Which is why this week's letter is both late and written on the back of a Morrison's receipt.

With Halloween coming up the school's decoration committee has drenched the entire building in cobwebs, plastic skulls, real skulls (the discovery of which caused one of the school's trustees to be escorted from the building in a horizontal position), charmed bats, edible toads, riddle spouting cats and a laughing papier-mâché Nigel Farage is currently guarding the downstairs loo. We're still trying to discover which member of staff was responsible for that particular piece of spellwork.

Greg actually brought the last 5 tickets; he's bringing Daisy Nott, Draco Malfoy's sons and remained rather tight-lipped about where the last ticket was going. I assumed it was for Draco but Gretel tells me that it's for Greg's girlfriend. The mind boggles. Not because Greg is so repellent - he's carrying off the whole Lumbersexual look with aplomb - but Ron and I once walked in on him and Vincent Crabbe holding hands. Although that was the year those bonding spells were going around Hogwarts so maybe I need to rethink my (admittedly not extensive) opinions on Greg's romantic preferences?

Speaking of Slytherins and romantic preferences; I've worked out why Draco was such a fucking dickhead wanker fuck I hate his stupid face idiot. Blaise Zambini is in town and we went for a couple of drinks last night. Turns out I hurt Draco's feelings when I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. Which, reading this back, looks a bit harsh. but I had just invited him back to my flat and didn't want him to think that I was going to rebounding from Oliver onto him! I'm sending Draco an owl to apologise but the whole thing has made me realise that we're never really going to get on. Too much bad blood and apparently I can't be in the same room as him without accidentally kicking him in the head while I cram my foot into my own mouth.

Still, got to make an effort, now that he's snaked his way into the affections of my entire social circle. Plus James is still twatting on about how he wants to be Lucius Malfoy when he grows up and I'll probably need Draco to reverse whatever enchantment my eldest son is under. Or help drown my sorrows when James dyes his hair white and starts elongating his "h"s.

Well, that's it from me, Cheers!

Harry

 

Wednesday 19th October 2016

Dear Harry,

Thank you for battling tyrannical environmentalists and what I assume is an ongoing stomach complaint (the reverse side of your receipt features twelve bottles of Rennies) in order to update me. I repeat that I would have been unable to attend the School's Christmas Play but I do appreciate your attempts to hold the tickets.

I must confess myself curious as to why you feel unable to maintain a friendship with Mr Malfoy. Your tendency towards verbal eruptions aside; the two of you seem to have a great deal in common. You are both fathers to young sons, both single (I highlight this as a reference to your ability to empathize with the other around a time of year that is traditionally rather uncomfortable for those of us not in a romantic relationship), you share a number of hobbies, friends and, judging by your recent letters, a sense of humour. If Mr Malfoy's feelings were injured by your own drunken ramblings surely the solution is to apologise, explain yourself and move forward with the friendship?

Please do let me know the outcome of the Anti-Bullying Society's court case, Brian reminds me of my younger self and I look forward to seeing how he responds to this latest challenge.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Friday 20th October 2016

Dear Mr X,

The Rennies was for Ginny - apparently an 8 months pregnancy and a vat of Luna's Cackling Cocoa will wreck havoc on even the most iron-bottomed stomach. It's nice to know that you've been scrutinizing my letters so closely, makes me feel like there's an actual human being lurking behind that shady moniker, rather than the cloud of purple tinged fog (complete with sporadic lightning bolts) I've been picturing.

I get what you're saying about giving the friendship with Draco another chance. It's just a lot of effort, especially around this time of year when The Prophet starts running anniversary editions of Voldemort's first defeat (a.k.a. the death of my parents) and The Puddles hit their traditional mid-season slump. As opposed to the pre-season, early-season and end-of-season slumps. See I can make that joke to you because you're a fan, unlike the rest of those fair-weather frauds who last week couldn't even be bothered to stand in a 4 hour thunder storm and watch their team loose 780-10 to the Leeds sodding Leprechauns.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Saturday 21st October 2016

Draco,

Give me back my fucking owl. I understand that you don't want to talk to me but Mildred is my favourite owl and she's very picky about her treats.

Harry

 

Saturday 21st October 2016

Potter,

I have no desire to prolong my association with your feathery familiar. The owl you refer to as Mildred has been offered ample opportunity to leave and yet she clings to Scorpius as if to a wooden raft in a storm. Clearly the position of "Potter's favourite owl" is not one to be envied and the poor creature is pathetically grateful to have escaped your clutches.

Draco

 

Saturday 21st October 2016

Draco,

Open these wards or I'll be forced to ask Luna for a frank character assessment of one Draco Lucius Malfoy, turn her thoughts into a Howler, and send an individual copy to every member of the Wizengamot.

Harry

Chapter Text

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Draco - lunch?

Ron

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Weasley,

Another time - I have a rather pressing lunchtime engagement. Does Friday suit?

Draco

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Harry,

Are you available for lunch? Zacharias Smith is insisting on a meeting to discuss his proposals for remodeling the firm's reception room. The plans accompanying his request include an appendices, links to 54 apparently different shades of yellow paint (I can just picture him, huffing and puffing his way through Home Base) and, for some yet to be disclosed reason, a headshot of Mr Smith, himself. All of which left me with no choice other than to plead an urgent meeting. Unleash your Slytherin side and join me in this minor deception?

Yours,

Draco

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Draco,

There really was no need to include the photo of Zach (although it's already been stolen from my office so clearly someone appreciates soft-focus-Smith). When Ginny was expecting Al we let James choose the colours for the nursery - 5 tantrums, 103 paint samples and an upturned can of Malevolent Magenta later Ginny and Luna were talking about a trial separation and I was rethinking every life decision I'd made since deciding to investigate Hogwarts' mysterious 3rd floor corridor.

Bit awkward to say this via owl but it's going to be 100% more awkward face-to-face: I really am sorry about yesterday. Before you unleash your eyebrows I know you don't fancy me and, I promise, this is not a repeat of the post-Flask conversation! I'm saying that I (me, not you!) made a mistake kissing you, misread the signs, took the wrong exit, however you want to describe it. Although that last one does sound a little overly sexual, sorry. Again.

I've really liked getting to know you over the last few months and I was worked up about the idea of losing your friendship and I think maybe my body doesn't know what to do now that we're not throwing punches and hexes? So. Sorry for the kissing. And pushing you against a wall, there was no need for that. Also sorry for the grinding, you were being a prick but that's no excuse for me dry humping your leg. I had had a lot of coffee that morning and was a bit hyped up. I hope your neck's ok as well, no idea what got into me there. I've got a good charm for hiding hickeys (the incantation is attached).

Thanks for inviting me to lunch and I'm glad we got things sorted out. I'll drop by your office around 12, if that suits?

Cheers!

Harry

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Potter,

Apology accepted although completely unnecessary. Please accept my own apologies (you surprised me, hence the hair pulling and biting), I was rather keyed up myself.

If you could make it half past that would be most acceptable. I've invited Weasley as he was complaining last week that he's seen nothing of either of us since the birth.

Yours,

Draco

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Weasley,

It appears that I mistook the urgency of my lunchtime engagement. If you are still free Potter and I will be meeting at my office at 12.30. Please do join us.

Draco

Chapter Text

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Hello love,

Rose wants to know if you're going to dress up as Ronbledore for Halloween? Apparently Al told the baby Slytherins about it and now the mini-Malfoys want you to take them trick-or-treating and Daisy Nott (Parkinson + Nott's daughter) has talked Greg Goyle into coming along as a dragon tamer (?). No mention of whether his costume will include Draco on a leash but it could be fun and I can take Harry watch this year.

Hope you're having a nice day, Hugo sends his love in the form of a deluge of bodily fluids.

Hermione xxx

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Hello Brave Warrior,

Did you manage to evacuate the villagers before Mount Hugo erupted?

Tell Rose I'll be Ronbledore and tell your own libido to take a backseat, I know what seeing my dashing self in a long white beard does to your loins ;)

I'll also take the Slytherin lot, although warn Greg that Al and James will probably want to come along as well. Whenever they're in the vicinity of Malfoy's boys I get a flashback to the time Seamus threw a Wildfire Whiz-bang into Millicent Bulstrode's cauldron. Not so much the explosion as the resulting blood-loss and psychological scaring.

Speaking of psychological scaring: just had an incredibly awkward lunch with Harry and Draco. Didn't Harry say they'd sorted things out? No hexes exchanged today but also no conversation or eye-contact. It was 45 minutes of me regaling them with Canons trivia which - to be fair - was pretty great but they didn't even respond when I pointed out that the Puddles are, scientifically, the crappest team to ever take to the air. Draco looked knackered and Harry was bright red (tried to dismiss it as Asian flush, despite the fact we were having a dry lunch, amateur). When I asked Draco said he'd not slept much and then Harry went even redder so I'd either stepped into the middle of a failed seduction or the aftermath of one of them admitting to a deviant sexual perversion. Probably Harry, Draco's got the look of a man who thinks ribbed condoms are risque.

What do you think?

Love to you and burps to Hugo,

Ron

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Dear Mighty Ronbledore,

Happy to report that my loins are proving admirably resistant to the thought of you dressed up as an elderly sherbet lemon enthusiast.

No idea what's going on with Harry and Draco. I thought Harry was just following my lead (date a dashing Seeker until the object of your affections is cross-eyed with jealousy) but Draco didn't actually seem very cross-eyed over Oliver, or cross at all. Do you think we should cancel Saturday's dinner? Ginny and Luna just owl'd out (Gin's playing her last pregnancy card) and the four of us, Hugo + Rose doesn't sound like the best combination right now.

Hugo's asleep so I've got 15 minutes to shower, work on the Muggle-born outreach proposals and spend some quality time staring into the abyss. Wish me luck!

Love,

Hermione

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Dear Abyss Perver,

I'll owl Draco. Tactfully. Can you check in with Harry?

Cheers! Love! Bonne Chance! (there, if a bit of French doesn't perk those loins up I don't know what will)

Ron

P.S. I wasn't jealous of Krum, I was worried about you. As a friend. Krum was fine. A good guy. I actually really like him and wish we could be mates. Truly. Great guy. Bit boring but just great. So good.

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Draco,

What the fuck did I just sit through? The condemned man's last meal? Are you and Harry going to make eye contact any time soon or should I ask Finch to put you both on cauldron scrubbing duty in order to get over whatever teenage angst you're brewing? Oh wait, probably shouldn't do that. What with us no longer being at Hogwarts, having grown up and not having a war to excuse whatever was going on at lunch.

Seriously, are you ok? Hermione wants to know if you'll be alright for dinner on Saturday or should I invite a few buffers?

Cheers,

Ron

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Sweet Ron,

Sorry about lunch. Harry and I had a minor misunderstanding. He apparated over to the Manor yesterday. Yelled at me. Kissed me. Apologised, kissed me a bit more, did some halfhearted grinding and then apparated out again. I then made the mistake of thinking that plastering yourself against a person denotes some form of sexual and/or romantic attraction. Harry was, thankfully, quick to disabuse me of this notion and insisted that it was a mistake on his part. Which is just delightful.

Looking forward to dinner,

Draco

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Draco,

How have you managed to get drunk? It's been less than 40 minutes since I left you looking like the walls of your office were about to cave in, now your parchment has brandy stains and even your sodding owl looks a bit pissed. Is this what posh boys do? Slosh around recreating E.M. Forster novels while the rest of us are hard at work?

I'll get some buffers in for Saturday - Cho's still in town and I think George and Lee were planning to stop by.

Cheers,

"Sweet Ron" (seriously mate, what the fuck?)

P.S. Not my place to make excuses for Harry but this isn't exactly the best time of year for him. A few of us started Harry watch after the week-long bender of Halloween '06, two years later he insisted on forming a low-fi synth duo with Luna's friend Gloria and last year he got an undercut. Just something to bear in mind.

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Sour Ron,

I may be drunk but I am also on holiday as of 1.30 pm today and shall remain so until either the Malfoy cellars run dry or Scorpius needs help with his History homework.

Love,

Draco

 

Weasley, Parkinson here.

I'm going to leave Draco's owl as written (I'm the poor man's best friend, not a saint or a censor) but wanted to reassure you that he's fine. We've had a few drinks at the club and I'm Flooing him home for a snooze.

Don't worry about awkwardness with Potter. If I read your owl right his behaviour towards Draco, as terrible as it has been, seems to be the side effect of whatever emotional trauma he associates with his parents being murdered (Gryffindors really are wimps, in Slytherin we commemorate such joyous events with blood soaked orgies - that's a joke). Draco's been working himself to death over the Muggle-born bill and clearly needed to blow...

...off some steam. Ha! Sorry, another joke.

Try to encourage Potter to get the correct head screwed on and I will do the same for Draco.

Pansy

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Parkinson,

Thanks for the update. And the jokes.

You should come along with Greg and Daisy on Halloween.

Cheers,

Ron

P.S. Blood soaked orgies sound very painful. Unless you were using fake blood? But then why bother? Oh you Slytherins, such enigmas.

Chapter Text

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Hi Harry,

Ron tells me that he had a rather strained lunch with you and your friend/enemy/colleague/adversary/nemesis/love-interest/co-conspirator/adversary/rival/other-half/collaborator/fellow-Slytherin-dad/potential-something-something*. Hermione the Hufflepuff wanted to make sure that you are ok, Ravenclaw Hermione wanted to check that it's not distracting you from the Muggle-born Outreach Bid and Slytherin Hermione has popped up to remind you that Draco has babysat Rose twice this week while Uncle Harry is yet to even offer.

Tell everyone in the office I miss them and it really is alright if they want to owl me. About anything. I'm always here. In case they need me.

Hermione xx

*Please circle any/all that are relevant so I can pass it on to the Pot Heads (I seem to have ended up on their Floo list).

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Hermione. So much betrayal packed into so few words.

1. It was not a "strained" lunch. It was a perfectly pleasant lunch among good friends and acquaintances who do not feel the need to fill every second with inane babble when they could instead devote their energies to daytime drinking and ascertaining the quality of the Hag and Harpsichords table linen.

2. Draco is a sometimes friend, occasional collaborator and always pain in the arse.

3. How exactly did you end up on the Harry Potter Fan Club Floo List? And can you please stop calling them the Pot Heads?

4. I am fine. I made a small mistake yesterday (kissed Draco, don't worry, I told him it didn't mean anything, just be cool) and then sorted it out today.

5. Your ruthless crushing of the burgeoning School for Squibs Dueling Club demonstrates, beyond doubt, that you are no Hufflepuff.

6. The Outreach Bid is nearly finished - I'll owl you a copy tonight - we're just waiting on Terry Boot to get us the school's 2019 financial predictions. Starting to regret asking for 30% of the available funding. The Muggle Born activists keep dropping by the office (asking why we're trying to pinch all their money, as if it's been decided that any of it is actually going to them) and I'm starting to pick up some of Mad-Eyed Moody's ticks.

7. What kind of a Ravenclaw chucks around terms like "love interest" and "something something" without first acquainting herself with the facts? The facts being that my love life is (marginally) more interesting than Hugo's latest emission and you are bored.

8. On the subject of boring: Draco is so predictable! You know he offered to babysit James and Al as well? Even after they trashed his study and convinced Martin that vegetables have feelings and the crunch they make when he chews them are actually death cries? I also caught him (Draco) taking a bunch of flowers over to Cho last week when she heard that her mum was sick. It's like he's determined to make everyone fall in love obsessed like him and no one can see it. Meanwhile he's hot and cold with me, Quidditch mates one minute and barely answering my owls the next, probably because he knows that I'm on him onto him. It's 5th year all over again but this time the Vanishing Cabinet is my friendship circle and the necklace is those Mashed Potato Cupcakes he and Luna are obsessed with and instead of Sectumsempraing him I felt him up a bit (momentary madness, remain calm) and I have no idea how Dumbledore fits into all this but it's getting ridiculous.

9. You know that my offer to babysit Rose started the day she was born and will only expire in the event of my death. To be honest, I'm insulted that you haven't asked me. Maybe your Slytherin side has gone a bit too far, cosying up to Draco and forgetting the loyal Gryffindors who sat up with Rose when she had chicken pox and brought her hardly any gendered toys (the pink telescope doesn't count, I would have brought it for Hugo as well). Hmm?

10. No one in the office misses you, we are all fine. Ignore Jane's owls, it was barely a fire, more like a big candle.

Harry

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Harry,

You are a ridiculous person who I am very lucky to have in my life.

Hermione xx

P.S. It sounds like you've been rather horrible to Draco. If only I wasn't so busy raising two geniuses, answering Jane's frantic owls (we really need to give her a raise), reading all the Pot Head Floos (they're convinced you and Draco are already on the rocks, apparently you have trust issues and he has the anguished grey eyes of rain soaked poet), and drafting in George and Lee to keep you and Draco apart on Saturday. You are clearly in need of a guiding hand.

P.P.S. Are you able to babysit Rose on Friday? Ron and I haven't spent more than 3 hours alone together since Hugo's birth and I'm starting to worry that he has a more meaningful relationship with his ear hair trimmer than he does with me.

P.P.P.S. The Dueling Club resulted in 3 broken noses and 7 crushed toes before the ink on the sign-up sheet was even dry. Disbanding it was a completely logical response on my part, although I do apologise for hiding your copy of Fight Club, it's stashed behind the printer. Reading this back, do you think that might have had something to do with the fire?

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Yes. I think there's a very strong chance that wedging a paperback between the overactive radiator and a gently smoking printer could have led to some kind of combustion. But I was the one who put the printer in front of the radiator. Call it a draw?

Sorry, already promised Neville that I'd have dinner with him and Hannah on Friday. I would offer to take Rose along but they've still got that bio-hazard tape up from their anniversary. Did you ever hear what happened to the Rampaging Roses Hannah bred for Neville? Apparently one of them was spotted tipping a pensioner into a Morrisons recycling bin but the rest of them have gone silent. Probably biding their time.

I have been a bit horrible to Draco. I didn't mean to be and I thought I'd fixed it but apparently he's upset so best invite a few extras on Saturday. Maybe try and find someone to set him up with? He's a bit keen to get coupled up and we seem to get on better when one of us is going out with someone else.

Your friend, Harry. A man who greatly appreciated the hands-off attitude you've adopted towards his love life and is sorry in advance for ruining your dinner party.

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Well. As long as you don't end up "accidentally" snogging Draco I reckon the party will be fine. Although I can't believe you told me to "be cool" about it. A. as if I care and B. as if either one of us knows anything about being cool.

Hermione xx

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Potter,

Draco has passed out in a pool of brandy and his own drool, leaving me to entertain myself by reading through the pathetic owls you bombarded him with over the last week. I use the word "pathetic" in two senses. First the idea that you deserve his friendship suggests an ego big enough to block the Thames. Second the implication that you can win his favour via. a series of misspelt owls and half-hearted apologies for not finding him attractive is, truly, mind-boggling.

If you want to be friends with Draco you will need to do the following:

1. Stop kissing him.

2. Buy him a nice present. By "nice" I mean something that costs more than your entire wardrobe, not something that comes free from your local newsagent when you buy a copy of The Telegraph.

3. Apologise in person, keeping in mind step 1.

Parkinson

P.S. Sorry about trying to hand you over to Voldemort. I had recently started taking a newt of eye supplement for pre-menstrual tension.

 

Wednesday 26th October 2016

Parkinson,

Noted.

Potter

P.S. I'm friends with Hermione Granger and Ginny Lovegood-Weasley. I know more about how the menstrual cycle works (and have sat through more presentations on the subject) than you've had hot dinners. It's ok that you were scared (so was I) but don't try to pass the blame onto a bunch of ocularly-challenged reptiles.

Chapter Text

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Pansy,

Would you like to have dinner tonight with mum and me? We are having pan-friend venison with blackberry sauce and treacle tart ice-cream for afters.

Greg

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Greg,

Thanks ever so for the invitation. I love venison and this nip in the air has really put me in the mood for some home (or is it elf?) cooked food. Unfortunately Dreary Draco is still cross with me for owling Weasley and Potter on his behalf. I have, of course, peppered him with apologies and bribes but he has returned them all, unread. Theo is off shagging Astoria and I don't have anyone else willing to babysit.

Very sorry, love, love, love,

Pans

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Pansy,

I will speak to Draco. Please come.

Greg

P.S. I will be doing the cooking tonight. Although you did call me a poisonous elf in 1st year after I fed your goldfish to Millicent's cat. I suppose that could make it elf-cooked.

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dearest Greg,

Oh yes! Strange to think that, for 3 glorious months, I was taller than you. If I had a time-turner I would go back and scold my 11-year-old self for not making more of the opportunity.

I do appreciate you talking to Draco but I fear the toxic combination of Potter and his own fragile ego will thwart all your efforts. Please do not waste your time on my account.

Give my love to Mummy Goyle and keep a little bit for yourself,

Pans

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Draco,

Alright? I would like you to forgive Pansy and to babysit Daisy for her tonight.

Pansy only owl'd Potter because she is protective of you.

You are lucky to have such a loyal friend.

Greg

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Greg,

You always did have a wonderful talent for stripping away the dross and drama. I will owl Pans. Dare I hope that tonight is the night you will finally declare yourself?

Best,

Draco

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Draco,

Thanks.

I'm only going to have dinner with Pansy. Some things can't be rushed.

Greg

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Potter,

Regretfully I find myself unable to attend the Weasley-Granger dinner party this evening. Pansy has a babysitting emergency and so I will be hosting a film night for Daisy, Scorpius and Martin. While I am, of course, devastated to pass up another heart-thumping rendition of Hermione's fight to take 12, rather than 11, NEWTS; it occurs to me that you may also be in need of a few child-free hours. Would James and Al like to join us?

Best,

Draco

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Draco,

Sorry to miss you but yes, a spot of babysitting would be appreciated. I was feeling uneasy about the idea of leaving James and Al with Molly, she hasn't been alone with the boys since they stapled the attic Ghoul to the back of her apron.

Alright if I bring them around 7ish? And can I pick up anything suitably pretentious for you on the way over? I used to bribe our old babysitter with Bacardi Breezers (iced lemon flavour, in case you fancy a few?) but have since decided not to leave the boys with anyone who needs a numbing agent to get through the evening.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Potter,

No need for bribes. The opportunity to introduce your sons to Cool Runnings (Martin's choice) will be revenge reward enough for me.

7 is fine.

Yours,

Draco

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Oh. I see how it is.

You do know that introducing another man's children to the greatest film ever made is tantamount to wands at dawn? Why don't you just teach them both how to ride a bike and shave*, while you're at it?

Harry

* joking joking joking, please never leave James alone in a room with a blade - Al's eyebrows still haven't grown back.

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Potter,

Given how hairy you yourself are I had assumed that James and Al were to be treated to extensive electrolysis at the first sign of puberty? On the subject of significant moments; Scorpius has put in a request that we also watch Frozen. As I am helpless before his gummy smile (Astoria has finally agreed to take him to a dental specialist) I am now looking forward to an evening of heavy drinking as my first born lisps his way through Let It Go.

Yours in pain,

Draco

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Draco,

Sounds like a heavy night, sure you don't want some back-up?

Harry

P.S. I'm offering to come over and help you babysit.

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Potter,

Surely that would slightly defeat the purpose of my offer to babysit for you?

Draco

P.S. This is the closest I will come to apologising for my own awkward conduct over Wednesdays lunch and Pansy's subsequent owl. I suggest you make the most of it.

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Right. Well thanks, I'll see you soon.

Cheers!

Harry

P.S. There's really no need. Maybe we should stop apologising to each other? If we ever want to be mates, that is.

 

Saturday 22nd October 2016

Dear Potter,

See you soon.

Draco

P.S. We do both seem incapable of delivering an apology without accruing the need for another one. "Mates", then.

Chapter Text

Sunday 30th October 2016

Dear Mr X,

You'll be thrilled to hear that the school is still standing after our Halloween party. Brian, Jacob, Freddie and Nadine performed as a X-Ray Spex tribute act with minimal squabbling over who got to be Poly Styrene. Brian tried to claim that his own Somalian heritage should win him the role but then made the tactical error of calling for a vote. Nadine won and we had to promise Brian that he can play David Bowie in the Christmas play. Turns out that writing Bowie into The Nightmare Before Christmas isn't all that difficult.

The kids are going trick-or-treating on Halloween-proper. Ron and Draco are meant to be supervising and the two of them are planning some secret themed costume. I've tried pointing out that this is incredibly sad but apparently staying in my flat with the curtains drawn, blasting It's A Wonderful Life and ignoring the doorbell means that I don't get to have opinions on Halloween costumes. Knowing the two of them it's going to be some obscure 17th century Qudditch duo. Maybe that pair of Canon Beaters who insisted on only wearing kilts during the games? Ginny had managed to talk James out of going as Lucius Malfoy but Al is still insisting that he and Scorpius dress as each other. Which got James kicking up a fuss and tomorrow both my sons will be parading up and down Diagon Alley dressed as mini-Malfoys.

I took your advice re. Draco. We had a bit of a run in earlier in the week but got it all sorted out and have agreed to be mates. So that's good.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Sunday 30th October 2016

Dear Harry,

Has Brian recovered from losing the vote? I must confess myself surprised to see such a shrewd tactician misstep in this bungling fashion. Calling on memories of my teenage self I must ask; is it possible that forcing you to insert a cameo for David Bowie into the Christmas play was Brian's true motivation?

While I am pleased to be told that yourself and Mr Malfoy have managed to come to a friendly understanding, I cannot help but observe that you seem rather subdued. Considering the yards of parchment you have devoted to denouncing Mr Malfoy's many failings of character and then scheming to regain his favour, I did expect some of your trademark exuberance at this latest development.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Monday 31st October 2016

Dear Mr X,

Now that you've drawn it to my attention it does seem that little shit Brian was after the Bowie cameo all along. He must have heard me refusing Alicia when she asked to add it into the script - she's not technically a student anymore so has taken over organising the play for M. Bonbon, our ex-French teacher - and decided that creating a load of false drama was the answer. Thanks for the insight, and confirming that you're either Slytherin or Ravenclaw! I was chatting to Cho about our letters and she pointed out that the Fidelius Charm doesn't stop me from finding out where the parchment and ink you use are from. Aberdeen! Home of the official Hogwarts Stationary and Souvenirs Shack!

Hope it's alright that I did this, I just wanted to know if you'd been to Hogwarts as well or if I needed to explain a bit more about the school. Not that I've really been writing about it much, which is weird as Hermione once accused me of being obsessed with the place. I pointed out that someone who left school, only to set up her own school two years later probably shouldn't be rubber-necking other people's psychological hangups.

Speaking of... You're right, I'm not feeling overly enthused about a friendship with Draco. It's not that I don't want him as a mate, I do. Just working through some stuff. Hermione and Ron take the piss out of my love life but they're pretty good at leaving me to get on with it (both of them appreciated that I kept to myself during their teenage angsting). Thing is, they've got a bit too good at not pushing their noses in and, as Voldy himself probably once said, I could do with a few more noses. Or even one. Care to weigh in?

Harry

 

Monday 31st October 2016

Dear Harry,

I am, of course, happy to offer any advice or guidance within my power. In order to do so, however, I need to know what, exactly, is making you uneasy about your friendship with Mr Malfoy.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Monday 31st October 2016

Right! Sorry, I've taken a couple of days off from the school (Halloween's'not really my favourite night of the year) and Hermione managed to switch Hugo onto bottle-feeding today so we're getting drunk and watching Black Mirror. Pretty lethal combination if you're also trying to communicate coherently with your shadowy benefactor.

I am happy that Draco and I have agreed to be mates. That's good.

I kissed him last week. That wasn't good.

We were arguing about him nicking my owl and he was sneering into my face about how the owl preferred the Manor to my "crummy" flat. But he wasn't so much sneering as laughing, not in an annoying way. He's kind of nice when he laughs properly, like the two of you have a secret or something and you are the only ones who know about it and everyone else wishes they knew the secret. Still, he said my flat was crap and I couldn't hex him because I didn't want to and what I did really want to do was punch him. I couldn't do that because it would hurt him and Al and Ron and Hermione would be cross with me and so I kissed him. He was already really close and I moved a little bit and we were kissing and just kept doing it for a while. He kissed me back, but not a lot. He did groan a bit though and started pulling my hair which I thought was a sign to stop but wow this has got very intimate. Sorry, you really didn't need to know all this and our curry will be here soon so I'll get to the point:

I felt terrible. I don't know why I kissed him and he clearly liked me back (he asked me to lunch the next day) so I tried to let him down gently. Which, in retrospect, was more of a plunge off the top of the Shard than a gentle descent but he got the message and we're mates now. Which is good.

Everyone I spoke to about it seemed to think it wasn't that important and I was focused on making sure he knew I don't fancy him and nothing is going to happen between us. Now that it's over and we're all sorted I've realised that I still feel a bit shit about the whole thing. Some of it's probably ego, he seemed pretty happy to settle for being mates.

Sorry this is so rambling and stained. Hermione knocked over my Busty Bertha Beer* when the curry arrived. That suspicious splash of brown is Biryani.

Cheers,

Harry

*Bertha is a cow. Hermione wants me to point out that it's not really much better to be objectifying a cow instead of a woman.

 

Tuesday 1st November 2016

Dear Harry,

I have recently made good use of the enclosed spell. It allows the user to avoid sending owls without first passing a sobriety test and it strikes me that you may also appreciate such a charm.

On the subject of Mr Malfoy's romantic or lack-there-of intentions towards you. Is it possible that, as a father, business owner and adult human being, Mr Malfoy may have developed the ability to control his own emotions? Or even to maybe make calm, rational decisions? I understand that you opinion of Mr Malfoy is still very low but please do consider the possibility that he may have decided that a romantic relationship with yourself might be too disruptive to be worth pursuing and is happy to "settle" for a friendship.

Sincerely,

Mr X

 

Tuesday 1st November 2016

Dear Mr X,

Thanks for the charm and sorry for the state of last night's owls.

What can I say? Good points, well made, are you Draco Malfoy?!? (ha! - joke, don't worry, I'm going to restrict all future amateur detective work to uncovering which staff member filled the coffee maker with diet coke). Seriously, thank you and you're right, one kiss and all the resulting angsting was probably more than enough to scare Draco off fancying me. If he ever did. He's been a good mate to Ron and Hermione (fucker is leading on the babysitting tally, 5-2) and Al can't get enough of Scorpius Malfoy so I'm going to just get on with being glad we're mates and trying to set him up with our new Maths teacher.

Cheers!

Harry

Chapter Text

Saturday 5th November 2016

Hi Harry,

Can you please take James and Al tonight?

Gin x

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Yes of course, will pick them up after I've collected Rose.

You alright? What did the Healers say? Need me to come over earlier?

Harry xx

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

"This is most strange Miss Weasley [pointedly ignores the fact that it says Ms Weasley-Lovegood in my file and the fact that my wife was standing right next to me] 6 weeks overdue weeble weeble wibble well I never wibble weeble wibble how odd weeble weeble think I might have to write this up for the Much Esteemed Journal of Wankery weeble weeble fucking-weeble".

Carried on in a similar vein for 20 minutes before finally getting round to telling me that, yes - everything is fine and no - I don't qualify for any birthing potions or an Order of Merlin for carting this baby around on top of my bladder for the last ten years.

Any time after 5 is fine - Luna'll have finished the protective charms by then, I assume Romione are doing Rose's?

Gin xx

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Fucking hell, want me to come to your next appointment and brood/pose heroically in the background?

I'm doing Rose's charms and have promised to cast Protego every 30 seconds. Remind me again whose brilliant idea it was to tell the kids about Bonfire Night? Ron's already owl'd me 3 times with instructions for keeping Rose away from Seamus, Seamus has owl'd to reassure me that he used up all the levitating sparklers last year and Dean's been in touch with a tracking charm which'll help us walk through the park without setting off any of Seamus' Popping Pathways. Apparently he set them up all over Primrose Hill after Hermione's Baby Blowout but now can't remember the counter charm.

Think I should invite Draco's kids?

Wibble wibble weeble,

Harry x

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

While I'd love for you to crack out the 'misty gaze of a man who has seen too much' I don't think it'll make a difference. Even with birthing potions I'm in for it. Mum tells me that the 3rd labour is always the worst (funny, how she kept that to herself until after I was fully sprogged-up), apparently Percy took 72 hours and one of Dad's enchanted crowbars.

Can you clone that map of Dean's? Hannah is taking her niece up there as well and I doubt the poor tot's mum'll appreciate her coming back covered in purple gunge (that is what the Popping Pathways do, right? or are they the ones that shoot exploding custard-filled flobberworms?).

Draco's already going - say hi from me if you run into him and remind him that he's coming over to watch the Harpies match on Tuesday.

Love and weeble wibble

Gin-Gin

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Custard-filled flobberworms. Think I might send a copy to Blaise as well, he's taking the evil Patil twin up there for a "romantic evening" and probably won't appreciate being doused in congealed worm guts. Although his idea of a hot date includes screaming kids, the smell of gunpowder and watching me step in dog shit every other minute, so maybe it'd only enhance the experience?

Draco's watching the Harpies match with you? On Tuesday? How did he hear about the fireworks? And what happened to the Malfoy bonfire he was weebling over last week?

Harry x

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Every question in your last owl can be answered with either "I don't know" or "I don't care". Apart from the unspoken one where you asked if Draco likes me more than he likes you and is, therefore, about to become a Hearty Harpy. To which the answer is yes and yesssss!

Gin-Gin xxx

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Given my experiences in first year it's still astonishing to me that I decided a troll would be the perfect creature to carry my elephant babies.

Weeble weeble,

Harry

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Hi Draco,

You and yours heading to the Primrose Hill bonfire tonight? I'm taking James, Al and Rose - how about we meet up at the apparition point next to St. John's Wood tube?

Cheers!

Harry

P.S. Gin tells me you're watching the Harpies match at hers on Tuesday. Do you need me to pop 'round the Manor for a quick chorus of Glory glory Puddlemere? Run some Finite Incantatems?

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Alright Draco?

Not sure if you got my owl but I'm at the Primrose Hill bonfire with my mini-Malfoys (think your mum will ever let me live that down?). Have dropped a tracking charm in here and will save you and the boys a spot. Luna's sent some of her Creeping Coffee for us.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Hi Draco,

We're heading back now but planning to stop at Ron and Hermione's on the way home. Care to join us? George is previewing some of the latest Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs and Al is excited to see Scorpius.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Saturday 5th November 2016

Harry,

Sorry to miss your many, many, owls. I think the fireworks and my own Protego confused them as they only managed to track me down as I was returning to the Manor. Scorpius sends Al his regards and requests the pleasure of his company at the Malfoy Manor bonfire - to be held next week after our groundskeeper has dealt with a militant faction of hedgehogs who are currently claiming squatters rights over the wood pile.

You and James are, of course, welcome to join Al.

Until then,

Draco Malfoy

Chapter Text

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Draco,

The Honourable Peasghoul is laying siege to the office. He appears to be using the same owl breeder as the Ministry as, to quote Dr Seuss, "bird shite on the doors, bird shite all over the floors, bird shite in the Floo, bird shite behind the loo".

While I am the first man to appreciate a white Christmas I don't think that this was quite what Bing Crosby had in mind. I've told Peasghoul that you're out of the office but he appears to have taken that as encouragement, rather than a wish for his own swift demise.

Zacharias

P.S. My best wishes to Scabious.

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Zacharias,

While I do like to reward fresh, innovative thinking, you may wish to reconsider the tactic of simultaneously begging for my help while misspelling my first born's name. You will, I have little doubt, be elated to learn that Scorpius has been awarded a clean bill of health, leaving his doting Dada free to come back and wrangle Peasghoul into submission.

Draco

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Dear Sir Peasghoul,

Please do accept this delayed reply with my most humble apologies. To answer your owls in the order in which my office received them;

Yes I have had the pleasure of reading Ms Granger's editorial in The Prophet.

The fact that the Squib lobbyists are now asking for 35% of the Muggle-born funding bill was already known to me, although I do appreciate your extended thoughts on the appropriateness of this request, the likely opinions of the previous ten generations of Peasghouls on this matter, the myriad of ways in which I have disgraced my family name by allowing this request to go unchallenged, the location of my testicles (although please do accept my assurance that they are not, currently, in Ms Granger's handbag), the need to crush the pro-Squib faction, the danger of political correctness and the inferiority of the new Pepperup potion since the sanctions against using Muggle tears were introduced.

I plan to negotiate for 20% of the Muggle-born funding to be assigned to the Squib lobby, with a proviso that the majority goes to the Harry Potter School for Squibs and a small stipend be reserved for investigating the actions of the Bucharest Squib Research Centre. I do hope this meets with your approval.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Sir Peasghoul,

With due respect and deference to your vast political experience, I must counsel against denying the Squib lobby all access to the Muggle-born funding. Such a move is likely to excite censure from the magical community - many of whom support the inclusion of Squibs - and I believe that Ms Granger and Mr Potter are likely to use their considerable influence to reopen the bill for debate. By allocating a small proportion of the available funding we can forestall further accusations that the old families are seeking to exclude and exploit Squibs.

As the deadline for final amendments to the bill approaches I will expect your answer by the end of the week.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Peasghoul,

In keeping with the 2001 Anti-Blood Discrimination Act, the offices of Malfoy & Associates are warded to reject all missives containing blood slurs. These slurs include, as defined by the Act, words such as "pureblood", "half-blood" and "mudblood" unless they are couched in quotation marks and the owl was sent without malicious intent. I am, therefore, unable to receive your response re. negotiating the Muggle-born funding bill. If you wish to discuss this matter further please make an appointment with my secretary.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Are you free this evening?

Yours,

Malfoy

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Dear Draco,

Yes I'm free - shall I book us a table? We could check out that new Lebanese place near Chalk Farm or I can cook, if you fancy it? Maybe watch a film or something? I've got the last Puddles match on Hermione's Remembrall if your heart is up to watching the only Quidditch match on record where both teams ended up with a score in the minuses. We can drown our sorrows and owl Ron about how crap the Canons are. 

How was Scorpius' trip to the dentist?

Looking forward to seeing you!

Harry

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Dear Harry,

All your suggestions sound delightful, maybe another time.

For now I am anxious to discuss the Muggle-born funding bill with you. Hermione's editorial has stirred up some ill will among the older families and I have spent the day running interference. Certain parties have taken the Squib lobby's request for over a third of the funding as a shot across the bows, so to speak.

If you could find a way to drop by my office for half an hour this evening I would greatly appreciate it.

Yours,

Malfoy

P.S. Scorpius conducted himself with all the statesman-like gravitas befitting a true Malfoy. By which I mean he hid behind a decaying plant until he was promised either an ice-cream or a little sister in return for his cooperation. The dentist was then able to conclude that Scorpius' toothless state is unusual but not a cause for worry and the matter should be rectified by his 10th birthday.

 

Tuesday 8th November 2016

Sorry Draco. I know that all this behind the scenes, wheeling and dealing is how your lot manages politics but it's not what Hermione and I do. Let's keep the negotiations for when the bill is read.

Cheers,

Harry

P.S. Glad to hear that Scorpius' teeth are just late bloomers. I've included a card Al made him. I think those grey things are meant to be teeth, rather than gravestones. The black shapes are all the biscuits Scorpius is going to eat once his teeth come in (although I did have to check that they're not vultures) and the red things are apples, not drops of blood. Or my son has sent your son a far more gruesome death-threat than either of us ever managed.

Chapter Text

Wednesday 9th November 2016

Dear Pure and Noble Saviour,

A thousand apologies for interrupting your relentless schedule of polishing your halo with the tears of the unworthy and reading poetry to elderly Flobberworms but, please, oh Chosen One, will you not take pity on a poor, cringing, mortal and brighten my office with the light of your Snitch-golden heart?

Yours in everlasting appreciation and gratitude,

Draco Malfoy

 

Wednesday 9th November 2016

Draco,

I'm not going to talk to you about the fucking funding bill.

We've already submitted our proposal, there isn't any new information and it's up to the Wizengamot. Hermione's still technically on maternity leave, I'm running the school single-handed and Ginny is finally about to pop. I do not have the time or energy for Slytherin schemes or slagging matches. Owl me when you fancy a pint and a natter but until then, leave it.

Harry

P.S. You might think you're joking but Al was given a Flobbery for his birthday and his 900 worms have reached old-age this week. Yesterday I attended (and read the service for) 65 funerals.

 

Wednesday 9th November 2016

Potter,

This is why the two of you were ill-advised to go after the funding bill. Hermione's magical rights campaigns may have scored a few hits post-war, when everyone was intoxicated by the Golden Tripe and the old families could afford elf-wages. Those days are over and powerful people have been working hard to paint your school (and the pro-Squib lobbiests) as a group of bleeding hearts who will smoother the magical community with good intentions.

To quote one of the Wizengamot judges: "It's one thing to agitate for more money for the Muggle-born but money for non-Magical creatures is a step too far." These are the kind of views and people you are proposing to overwhelm with a well-indexed report and a few stirring words from The Boy Who Lived To Constantly Switch Tenses During Important Speeches.

Yours,

Draco

P.S. Please, Harry. You may not approve my methods but I do believe we can make a difference here. As tragically earnest as your intentions are; the school is worth saving.

P.P.S. Forgive me, Al's predicament had slipped my mind. I do hope he liked the miniature wreaths Scorpius sent? Would it be possible for you to give me an estimate for how many Flobberworms are expected to shuffle through the Veil this week? Scorpius is threatening to draft both myself and Martin into the wreath making business.

 

Wednesday 9th November 2016

Dear Draco,

Ignoring everything in your last owl apart from the postscripts: have dinner with me tonight? I know your heart's in the right place but Hermione and I can't afford to get sucked into Wizengamot politics. Let's just forget about it all for the evening, have some good food and watch the Puddles set new records for synchronized crash-landings.

Harry xx

P.S. I have reports that another 32 worms have kicked the bucket since lunch and 87 are on life-support.

 

Wednesday 9th November 2016

Dear Harry,

I already have dinner plans with Pansy. Maybe another night.

Please do think about what I have said and consider a meeting before Friday.

Yours,

Draco

 

Thursday 10th November 2016

Dear Luna,

Your dad's quite posh. What does it mean when his lot switch to signing their first name on letters?

How's Ginny? And yourself?

Love,

Harry

P.S. I bumped into Parkinson on Diagon, apparently her Daisy had a lot of mini-Dragon funerals over the summer. Al got invites to all of them and she was upset about not being invited to the worm funerals in return. Bung her an invite?

xx

 

Thursday 10th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Your charming letter was appreciated by us all. Indeed, it caused Ginny such raucous merriment that she was almost tempted to write you back into her birthing plan. Al expressed great delight at the suggestion of expanding the funeral guest-list; James and he are currently working on the invitations. You may expect your own at dusk, timed to drop into your hand as the day's light dies away, taking with it the memory of worms-past.

As to your original question: Father signs his first name in order to give the receiver an added layer of protection against Snarklewhumps.

With hope, love and peace,

Luna

Chapter Text

Saturday 12th November 2016

Dear Mr X,

You're getting a proper update this week:

Dear Sir/Madam/Mx

We are delighted to update you on the outcome of yesterday's Wizengamot hearing of the Muggle-born Funding Bill. As a School for Squibs benefactor you will be aware of our campaign that the bill be rewritten to include funding for Squib members of the magical community. This amendment encountered some resistance; both from the Muggle-born Rights Groups that drafted the original bill, and from the self-described "old families". Yesterday was the bill's first hearing and, understandably, passions were running high.

Reports of hexes and over-turned furniture are, however, grossly exaggerated. The bright flashes of green observed by eyewitnesses were clashing shield charms, cast by Mr Malfoy and Mr Potter in an attempt to protect each other from a suspected attack by a third party. Once the shield charms were dismantled it was discovered that the "attack" in question was actually a Weasley's Wizard Walloping Wocket, set off by a member of the public in protest at plans to restrict the sale of Alihotsy for recreational use. The culprit was quickly apprehended and yelled "Amnesty for Alihotheads" as he was escorted from the building. Not - as was reported in The Prophet - "die Death Eater scum die die die".

The hearing continued, with Mr Malfoy advocating that 100% of the funding be allocated to Muggle-born outreach and Mr Potter advocating that Mr Malfoy was 100% a dickhead. Despite Mr Malfoy's compelling arguments we remain confident that when the Wizengamot reconvene next week School for Squibs will achieve our desired 30% funding allocation.

With appreciation for your ongoing support,

Hermione Granger and Harry Potter

Harry Potter's School for Squibs

Long story short: the bill reading was fine, I tried to save Draco's life, Draco tried to save my life, the school will probably get it's funding.

Other than that it's business as usual. Al has survived the trauma of 600+ worm funerals, although his mum Luna's vegetable patch is looking rather somber. I did offer to let him bury a few hundred of the worms at mine but was informed that my backgarden is "too depressing". The news that the bin strewn patch of mud outside my kitchen window isn't even good enough for a few worm corpses hit rather close to home and so I'm spending the weekend trying to tidy it up a bit. Neville Longbottom is coming over to lend a hand with some of the more vicious weeds before the Puddles match tomorrow - wish us luck!

Well, that's it from me.

Cheers!

Harry

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Are you planning to attend this afternoon's Puddlemere match?

I believe that Friday's brush with mortality puts us at 2:2 on the life-saving front. Martin has suggested that I hire a hitwizard to make an attempt on your life, thereby allowing myself to draw ahead. What do you think?

Yours,

Draco

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Dear Draco,

2:2? So we're assuming that you being too squinty to recognise me that time at Malfoy Manor is the same as me diving head-first into a fiery inferno to rescue you?

Yes I'm heading over to the stadium around 2ish, want me to pick you up?

Cheers,

Harry

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Dear Harry,

I do hate to be pedantic but you appear to have misspelled "thank you, oh dashing Draco, for lying through your teeth to protect me after I nearly murdered you". In addition to my heroic dithering, I would also argue that the shield charm I cast on Friday carried slightly more weight than your own charm. Considering that I cast first and my shield took longer to fade.

Will Neville be joining us at the stadium?

Yours,

Draco

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Dear Draco,

"heroic dithering" made me snort hot coffee and so can be chalked up as a low-key attempt on my life. That leaves us at 2:1 to me, maybe you should consider Martin's hitwizard idea? And that dig at my shield spell was unfair, I was distracted.

How did you know I've got Neville over? He can't make the match so it'll just be you and me - that alright?

Cheers,

Harry

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Dear Harry,

I cannot be held responsible for your inability to control your own orifices but do tell, what were you distracted by on Friday? The majestic snoring of Fablton Cowlpot? The gleeful toadying of Mariebella Fayheart?

Yours,

Draco

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Draco,

Leave Mariebella alone, she's spent the last three decades as the magical world's only Squib rights advocate and she's allowed to get a bit excited. Although I'll agree that the bouquet of snapped wands and the 45 minute ballad were a bit much.

Am I picking you up before the match or not?

Harry

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Harry,

First tell me what was distracting you on Friday.

Draco

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Draco,

Fucks sake, just tell me where to meet you.

Harry

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Tell me what was distracting you.

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

You know it was you, you absolute fuckhead. Now stop dicking around and tell me where to meet you.

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Come over to The Manor.

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

Finally! I'll be there in a couple of hours.

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

No, come over now.

 

Sunday 13th November 2016

But the match doesn't start

What

Why do you

Ok, see you in 10.

Chapter Text

Monday 14th November 2016

Draco,

I can't stop thinking about you, have dinner with me tonight?

Harry

 

Monday 14th November 2016

Harryharryharryharryharryharryharryharry,

My waters broke! Luna's already reduced the head of the Pediatric Department to tears! I got my pain potions! This baby is coming out "drugged to the gills" - you can thank Gloria for that description, apparently I should be doing this entire thing either in a meadow, high on nature, or as part of some streamed performance art she wants to create on the subject of "woman as vessel", I think Hermione slapped her! Get yourself over to St Mungo's before the potions wear off and I get to the hexing!

Ginginginginginginginginginny! 

 

Monday 14th November 2016

Darling Draco,

Harry Potter?

love love love,

Pans

 

Monday 14th November 2016

Dear Draco,

When you compose your reply to my first missive may I suggest that you dispense with disingenuous denials? Greg has already updated me on his X-rated Floo call with the pair of you, Daisy is yet to be convinced that body-paint is not an acceptable substitute for her school uniform (regardless of how artfully she painted the folds of her "skirt") and Theo has just informed me that we will be hosting "a few dozen" of his uncle's business partners this evening. The only thing standing between myself and a bed on the Janus Thickey ward is the opportunity to finally settle our wager.

love love love,

Pans

 

Monday 14th November 2016

My Darling Pans,

As Fomalhaut Nott is the kind of man children should be vaccinated against, rather than forced to endure a fourteen course feast alongside, would you like me to take Daisy off your hands this evening? Scorpius and Martin are already hosting the Potter boys and my hope is that Daisy's company will inspire them to redirect their attention away from the amorous inclination of Albus Potter's new wormery.

All my love,

Draco

P.S. Regarding our wager: I will transfer 10 galleons to your personal account and then, please, let that be the end of it.

P.P.S. "X-rated" is hyperbolic, even by Gregory Gossip's standards. A few of Harry's buttons may have become undone but you and Greg have, once again, allowed yourselves to be carried away.

 

Monday 14th November 2016

Gin,

I'll be over as soon as I've briefed Jane. Save some hexes for me!

Harry xxx

 

Dear wonderful Harry,

Such a lovely man. I really love you, remember I kept worrying that I wasn't cool enough for Luna and you stayed up all night with me charming those parsnips into shoes? I would do that for you in a heartbeat, if you thought Draco would like you in clogs made out of vegetables. He seems to like you enough in normal shoes but you never know with Slytherins. Slippery. Got some new pain potions, Healer says baby will be here soon and Luna's started drawing runes on all the walls. Most of them are just smiley faces and flowers but she says that they'll protect me just as well as those spiky things we learned at Hogwarts.

Come soon! Gin gin xxxxxx

 

Monday 14th November 2016

Darling Draco,

The offer to babysit is, as always, greatly appreciated and my descendants will speak your name with hushed reverence. Setting my eternal gratitude aside, I had hoped that you would be in attendance this evening. Doesn't your firm still handle Foul Fomalhaut's dealings? Theo said the invitations would be sent out with the 10 o'clock owls.

"Let that be the end of it" You know me better than that but I do appreciate you resurrecting Gregory Gossip. Remember how furious Greg became when Vince told that chinless Ravenclaw that his surname was in fact Gossip and he'd adopted the name Gregory Goyle in an attempt to hide his true nature? Now I think of it, they may have been during your frantic period in 6th year.

And now I feel rather maudlin. Cheer me up with details of how Harry's buttons "may have become undone", as if this was a natural phenomenon which you had nothing to do with...

Gleefully yours,

Pans

P.S. What on earth or in the heavens above has inspired the Lovegood-Potter-Weasley cohort to give that boy another wormery? Surely they're still conducting funerals for the last batch?

 

Monday 14th November 2016

Persistent Pansy,

I believe that Al's negotiations for his new wormery were accompanied by a promise to revisit the notion of mass graves.

My invitation to Fomalhaut's dinner is yet to arrive but, please, do not concern yourself. Word has trickled back that the old families were displeased by my performance at Friday's Wizengamot hearing. It was felt that while I did advocate against the inclusion of Squibs it was done in a rather lackluster manner and I may have actually aided our opponents. You can imagine how the news of their displeasure tore at my soul...

Harry is Harry Potter Harry

Harry Potter Harry and I planned to attend Sunday's Puddlemere match. He came over to The Manor beforehand, at my invitation, and there was some discussion of the hearing and our attempts to cast simultaneous shield charms. This led to a rather heated debate over the various misunderstandings that have dogged our new friendship, with the conclusion that he would very much enjoy taking me to dinner. I allowed him to grovel for a while, followed by grudging acceptance, a few minutes later the buttons on his shirt spontaneously opened and Greg's head appeared in the fireplace for our prearranged Floo call.

Now that really is all you are getting. Don't think that I haven't noticed your own late night call to Greg, or did he deliver his "update" in person?

Love,

Draco

P.S. I will collect Daisy on my way home to the Manor, please do try to make her wear some clothes. Martin has recently started eyeing his own wardrobe with suspicion.

  

Monday 14th November 2016

Harry,

Thanks only to a slow morning in the office I may have, briefly, thought of you as well.

Dinner tomorrow?

Draco

 

[14 hours later]

 

Tuesday 15th November 2016

Dear Draco,

Sorry it's so late. I meant to owl you sooner but got distracted: Ginny's gone into labour. They think the baby will be here by morning. You're probably asleep but I'm thinking about you and want to have dinner with you soon. Although maybe not tonight because I'll either be busy with the baby or unconscious or both. Hopefully not both. Sorry, it's been a long day.

Harry x

Chapter Text

Thursday 17th November 2016

Dear Mr X,

Ginny had the baby! Lily Luna Lovegood-Potter-Weasley. I've included the birth announcement*. After Al got saddled with Albus Severus (Ginny was high on pain potions, I was sleep deprived and Luna was Luna) we decided to pick the names out of a hat a few months before the birth. Ginny denies putting "Luna" in there but Lily should probably be grateful it was picked seeing as Luna insisted on including Chlamydia as an option. She claims it's an old family name and means "cloak".

"So fitting, don't you think Harry? When one considers the vital role your own "Chlamydia" played in defeating Voldemort?" 

Before we had Al I thought nothing could be as terrifying as having James: the first time I held him I was shaking so much that Ron had to hold my arms in place. Then when we had Al it was even worse. James is a wriggler (the Muggles call it ADHD) but I had an idea in the back of my mind that if the Death Eaters started dicking around again or there was a fire or we get lost and stumble into Trafalgar Square, I could just pick him up and disappear. With Al I realised that James' frantic energy is actually a blessing and it's the quiet, innovative ones you need to keep an eye on. Now I've got three kids, have never been more terrified and Hermione's already had to talk me out of cultivating a tame Devil's Snare for use in emergencies.

Speaking of; I'm on paternity leave for the next month and Hermione is back to cover for me at the school. Would you like her to continue your updates? I'm happy to keep doing them as you are currently the only adult I have contact with who isn't wrangling a new born, a colleague, or Draco Malfoy. Although be warned: it'll mainly be a running total of how many hours of sleep I've missed and the variety of bodily fluids gathered in my hair.

Let me know,

Harry

*We're keeping the pronouns as they/their for now as the Healers say Lily is intersex. There are some potions that are normally prescribed but we'd rather wait until Lily is old enough to identify their own gender. Molly Weasley has already knitted the entire family yellow jumpers with purple O's instead of initials.

 

Good Morning!

Luna Lovegood-Weasley, Harry James Potter, Ginny Molly Lovegood-Weasley, James Sirius Lovegood-Potter-Weasley and Albus Severus Lovegood-Potter-Weasley were delighted to welcome Lily Luna Lovegood-Potter-Weasley into their family on 16th November 2016.

Vital stats:

10 toes and 10 fingers (2 fingers less than their cousin Hugo Granger-Weasley but they make up for it in lung capacity)

Labour: 45 hours, breaking the Weasley record previously set by Fleur and Victorine

Weight: 7.9 lb

TOB: 14.38

Ginny and Lily will be receiving visitors from next weekend. Owl if you're coming over and don't be alarmed at Harry's appearance. Lily has already demonstrated a remarkable aversion to their dad's glasses and, as vision charms don't work on Harry, he's been forced to dust off his old scuba-diving mask in order to actually be able to see his beautiful child/the architect of his humiliation.

Cheers!

Ginny, Harry and Luna

 

Thursday 17th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Congratulations on the safe birth of Lily Luna. Please do pass on my best wishes to their mothers and accept my condolences for the inevitable disruption to your own sleep cycle. Your contingency plans for James, Al and now Lily are very familiar to me. As I imagine they are for all parents who lived through the Second Voldemort War. When my own first child was born I covered the house in renewing Protego charms which proved to be an effective method of child-proofing but did prevent all contact with the outside world for the first few months of his life. Owls kept bouncing off the Manor house wards and my mother was finally forced to call in Gringott's curse-breakers.

Rather than add to what I imagine is Headmistress Granger's formidable workload I am happy for you to continue your updates. How is your friendship with Mr Malfoy progressing? I was encouraged to hear of your joint life-saving attempts at the Wizengamot hearings; does this mean that you have finally buried the hatchet?

Sincerely yours,

Mr X

 

Thursday 17th November 2016

Dear Mr X,

My friendship with Draco is progressing well, thanks for asking. He's another one who knows what it's like to be a dad with the war still looming over you. We've had a few decent chats about how much worse magic makes being a parent. One of the first bits of magic I manifested was Apparating myself onto my primary school roof and now I live in fear that James'll do something similar. What it must have been like for parents during the war, can you imagine checking on your baby, only to find that they'd Apparated themselves into Dolores Umbridge's handbag?

I was actually at Draco's the night before Ginny went into labour. We'd had another misunderstanding and

This really isn't the kind of thing you requested from these letters but, as previously mentioned, I am a sad little man who has no one to talk about his love life with. Or at least, no one who isn't currently more interested in keeping a squalling, leaking, bundle of flesh and vomit alive.

Draco and I The thing with Draco is that I never know

It turns out that my growing feelings of affection and respect for Draco may have actually been something closer to attraction. You've probably guessed that. Hermione's got a duplication spell on all our owls so I can refer back to them and apparently I've been (slightly) (mildly) obsessed with him. Beyond the normal platonic obsession between friends. The awkward thing was that I only realised how I felt halfway through the Wizengamot hearing, when I thought he was about to be murdered.

Draco had been laughing at something I'd said (he really does have a nice laugh, now that it's no longer sneering or perched atop a Potter Stinks badge), then he was jumping around casting shield charms and - is it possible to find someone dashing while they wrestle an elderly man to the floor? The Alihotsy protester was fighting back and ended up grabbing Draco's collar. Which left Draco disheveled with half his buttons gone, robes hanging off one shoulder, hair all over the place, glasses slightly croaked and flushed. Very pink. You could say it made a bit of an impression on me.

Of course Draco picked up on that - no idea how, he barely glanced at me for the rest of the hearing - and went into full Little Lord Fauntleroy mode, demanding I went over the Manor. I got there, expecting to be ticked off for making things awkward and maybe have to sit through a reenactment of all my drunken "I'm just not attracted to you" speeches. Instead he was shuffling around his study, looking shifty as fuck, and asking me if I wanted tea or jam or anything. Which... yes Draco, I would love a random bit of jam. Do I get a bit of toast to go with it or shall I just eat it out of my own hand like a fucking horse?

Then he asked if I'd forgiven him for what happened during the war (still not sure how that's connected to the jam thing), I said yes. Asked if he'd done the same. He said yes. Did some more shuffling. Fucking kissed me. Which was nice, I was pleased. I did think that maybe we should have a bit of a chat about it. Enemies to frenemies to friends to angry-kissers seems like the kind of thing people talk about but every time I tried to speak he'd mutter something like "don't you dare" and we'd carry on. Greg Goyle's head popping up in the fireplace was a bit of a downer but Draco insisted on holding my hand while he yelled at Greg and then we just went back to kissing.

Four days later and all I've heard from him is a congrats note about Lily's birth and a vague promise of dinner "once things have calmed down". If it was Oliver I'd still be holding out hope but Draco's got kids and he knows that things'll "calm down" in roughly 20 years time - if we're lucky. It sounds like he'd giving me the brush-off which could be fine - Lily's fairly mesmerising, the other day I'm fairly sure they belched the chorus to How Soon Is Now. On the other hand I can't stop thinking about him. Despite feeling like a complete twat for worrying about what he's up to when I have a new baby to obsessively monitor.

What do you think?

Harry

Chapter Text

Friday 18th November 2016

My Dear Harry,

You ask me "what do you think". Surely the more appropriate person to address that question to is Mr Malfoy.

As you point out, Mr Malfoy is a father and he is unlikely, therefore, to impose himself upon you at this time. His attempts to give you and your growing family space need not be read as a rejection, although your own silence may well be interpreted in that way.

Harry, talk to the man.

Sincerely yours,

Mr X

 

Friday 18th November 2016

Dear Mr X,

You're right. Of course you're right. I'll owl him now.

Thank you, by the way. I'm staying at Luna and Ginny's this week, keeping James and Al out of their mums' hair and taking the 3-5am feeding shifts. It's brilliant to have them all under one roof, just doesn't really give much time to think these things through.

To be honest, these letters have made me appreciate what it might have been like to have my parents around when I was growing up. Even just a few more years with Sirius would have helped - Arthur and Molly try their best to offer advice but they've already got 7 kids and 30 grandkids to worry about. This is rambling but what I'm trying to say is that I wish you'd been around when I was a teenager, seems like you would have been a good man to know.

Cheers,

Harry

P.S. Sorry the parchments a bit moist, if you ever want to clone Lily Luna there's probably enough DNA here for an army.

 

Friday 18th November 2016

Dear Pansy,

Please drop by my offices, ASAP?

Yours in despair,

Draco

 

Friday 18th November 2016

Dear Drama Queen,

"Yours in despair"? If it was life threatening you would already be at my door and I saw for myself how much the Potter dalliance has pleased you (darling, ships at sea were likely steered off course by your smug grin). What minor misunderstanding has caused you to slip from delightedly debauched to direly dramatic?

love love love,

Pans

 

Friday 18th November 2016

Pansy,

The charm on Mr X's letters to Harry (and your own abrasive personality) prevent me from going into detail but sufficient to say that Harry poured his heart to Mr X via. owl. He then proceeded to sing the praises of Mr X as an adviser on his romantic life and to compare my shadowy alter-ego to his own parents. Until now I had hoped that it would be possible to allow Mr X to slowly fade from Harry's life but with every letter exchanged I find myself making more mistakes. He is not as unobservant as that Skeeter-witch would have the public believe. Now, when the truth does come, to light he will feel humiliated, deceived, potentially oedipal and absolutely disinclined to waste any more of his time with me.

This realisation has hit me rather hard and I continue to be yours in despair,

Draco

 

Friday 18th November 2016

Oh Draco,

I'll grab a few of Theo's better decanters and Floo over right away. You are such a silly person.

love love love love love love love love your stupid, misguided face,

Pans

Chapter Text

Saturday 19th November 2016

Dear Draco,

Fancy coming over to see the most dynamic baby since Albus Severus Lovegood-Potter-Weasley clawed his way to the surface?

Harry

 

Saturday 19th November 2016

Harry,

Scorpius accomplished a near-Wingardium Leviosa within hours of his birth and Martin enthralled his mother's Healers into renaming their own children after him.

Yours with derision,

Draco

 

Saturday 19th November 2016

Draco,

I'll accept that Martin is part-Veela (on his mum's side) but what was Scorpius' near-Wingardium?

Let me know when you're coming over, we've got the Floo locked after that Teffler dick from The Prophet tried to slither through. He got as far as asking whether it was true that the baby had inherited my dad's Animagus form before Luna turned his teeth into sprouts. Would have been fine but Ginny went white, started gibbering about what a tiny pair of antlers could have done to her and had to be sedated. So she's out for the count, Luna's at the latest Quibbler meeting and Lily and I are watching Raising Arizona.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Saturday 19th November 2016

Scorpius caused the corner of his own quilt to rise and flip over. Astoria and I were struck dumb with wonder, luckily Mother was able to capture the entire thing on camera. I still carry a copy of the photo in my wallet. You're welcome to look at it when I come over, does 1pm suit?

Please ensure that at least one chair in the Lovegood-Weasley bower is free from baby vomit and that all Nicholas Cage DVDs have been carefully Vanished.

 

Saturday 19th November 2016

That sounds like a very special moment and I can't wait to see the photo.

1pm is great, although I'm afraid that the only vomit free area in the house is Ginny's Nicholas Cage body pillow.

 

Saturday 19th November 2016

Dear Pans,

Thank you again for indulging my histrionics. Not an especially fun afternoon for you and yet you handled the whole thing with your own seductive brand of aggression, commiseration, and gut-stripping cocktails.

What was Greg's reaction to your own Dear John letter? I half expected an owl from him. The postponement of the Wizengamot hearing has left me at rather a loose end and would be delighted to host yourself and Daisy-Duck while Theo is away, unless you prefer I come to you?

Owl me at the Lovegood-Weasleys with your preference - I've been invited to inspect the latest Lovegood-Potter-Weasley hybrid and shall use the opportunity to steer my friendship with Harry back to safer waters.

All my love,

Draco

 

Saturday 19th November 2016

Darling Draco,

While I find myself both ecstatic and discombobulated that you've decided to take my advice, I am afraid that this is very much a case of "do as I say, not as I do". My attempts to break things off with Greg were derailed when he instead suggested that we carry on as we have been because he "loves me" and I "love him" and we "make each other happy", or something equally vile, I forget.

Please do not let my weakness deter you from ditching Potter. Remember everything we said (or at least everything before we switched to Millie's home brew) and stay strong. He doesn't deserve you and will only break your heart once he discovers that you are not, actually, a Hufflepuff, Father Christmas, or his own mother.

love love love,

Pans

P.S. Daisy is staying with Mummy until Tuesday and so I have enlisted Greg to help me move Theo's possessions into the East Wing. Owl if you need me xxx

Chapter Text

Sunday 20th November 2016

Dear Draco,

Ginny's claiming we owe her a new sofa. Want to help me pick one out tomorrow?*

*Take advantage of Luna's lunchtime shift with Lily to break some more lamps?

Harry x

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Ginny is surprisingly conservative for a woman who appears set on mounting her wife whenever a camera is produced. The Halloween photos of Albus and Scorpius are utterly charming, provided the viewer averts their gaze from Ginny and Luna turning the Burrow hedgerow into a back-scratching post. I trust that you called upon generations of crushingly earnest Gryffindorks and staunchly defended our actions?

Draco x

P.S. Yes, lunch on Monday. Although Zacharias Smith is likely to rival a Mandrake if we break any of the office lamps he has spent the last 9 weeks selecting, ordering, unpacking, arranging, rearranging and, on one depressingly memorable occasion, singing to. x

P.P.S. We may find ourselves compelled to spend most of this lunch date prepping for the Wizengamot. Word has trickled back that the hearing will be rescheduled for Thursday. The reason for this postponement continues to elude me. Pansy has promised to corner Theo when he returns from the continent (his uncle is bound to be involved) but I imagine he may be slightly distracted by the fact that she has recently moved his possessions into the Park's East Wing and replaced them with one Gregory Goyle. x

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Dear Draco,

Gin's pissed off about us introducing Lily to Kick-Ass, not the snogging. What Halloween photos? I sent you a flock of owls about meeting up and all I got back was "soz, too busy being posh, cryptic and potentially (for old times sake) evil". Did you take Scorpius and Martin to the Burrow after I left? What the fuck Malfoy? Is that why Gin got twitchy when I asked how the rest of the night went? What the fuck Draco? Why didn't you tell me you were there?

I've got no idea what's going on with the Wizengamot but Mariebella Fayheart owl'd to say that there's been an accusation of corruption. Apparently one of those gilded dickheads you're representing has been playing both sides: setting themselves against the Squib funding part of the bill in public but then funding the pro-Squib lobby on the sly. I told her that the school doesn't have dealing with any of the old bigots families and Mariebella's lot are completely broke so hopefully it'll clear up soon.

Owl me when's good to come over on Monday.

Harry x

P.S. Tell me you've got a Pensieve of Zach-the-Twat singing to those lamps?

P.P.S. Good for Greg. And Pansy.

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Please, forgive me. While I have devoted the last 17 years of my life to atoning for my mistakes, confronting the bigotry I was indoctrinated with as a small child, attempting to support the survivors of my own heinous actions and, always, repenting, repenting, repenting, sometimes I slip and commit some "evil" act like taking my children to a fireworks display without notifying you first.

Your, unworthy as ever, Draco x

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Zacharias,

Forgive the Sunday owl. Would it be possible for you to reach out to your ex-housemates in the Wizengamot re. the delay to the Muggle-born funding hearings?

Draco

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Drake,

Is this about the corruption allegations? Mariebella cornered me in the Leaky last night and started monologuing. I put out some feelers with the 'Puff Plexus but, as yet, no joy.

While I've got you: what do you think about finishing the office wainscots in sand? Everyone's talking about tactile interior design and I'd hate for Malfoy & Associates to be left behind.

Zacharias

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Zacharias,

Excellent work.

A quick reprise of our conversation during Millicent Bulstrode's 2008 Lascivious Lawyers and Ardent Attorneys Singles Mixer: if you ever call me Drake again I will fire you (into the sun).

Draco

P.S. I will give the sand wainscot due consideration, providing you are will to retire the bubblewrap hall runners.

 

Sunday 20th November 2016

Draco,

Looking forward to Monday - might be best to send Toby for an early lunch as I'm planning to recreate Gin's hedge-humping moves.

Harry x

Chapter Text

Saturday 26th November 2016

Dear Mr X,

How are you? How's life? You've gone a bit quiet - everything all right? Sorry about the state of this parchment, I'm writing one handed. Two hours ago Lily moved in their sleep and a tiny finger touched my wrist. I've been frozen in an awkward half-crouch ever since, most of the blood in my body has migrated to my hand and Ginny has threatened me with further blood loss if I move and wake Lily up. Fatherhood, it turns out, is the real magical adventure.

I've had a school update from Hermione:

  • Rehearsals for the Christmas panto are getting strained. The opening night is two weeks away and so far the only parts cast are "the dog made of bones" (to be played by Gretel) and Brian's turn as David Bowie. Half the kids were so terrified by The Nightmare Before Christmas that they're now refusing to read the script and there's been talk of a rogue production of Home Alone, to be staged in the newly rebuilt boy's toilets (we're still attempting to identify when a stage got added to the refurbishment plans).
  • The Anti-Bullying Society has agreed to settle a dispute between two of the school's neighbours where both men are convinced that the other is failing to properly recycle. Hermione's tried to point out that sniping over who does a better job of washing out their posh juice cartons doesn't really count as bullying (or fall under the society's (non-existent) jurisdiction) but Jacob harnessed his inner Granger and claimed that the issue with the bins is "a matter of principle". I'm just glad that he's no longer trying to perform a citizens arrest on Tony Blair (Cherie had to be Obliviated after the last attempt).
  • The old 'uns have exams coming up so the school is draped in mournful teenagers; emoting and comparing their exam timetables to Dolores Umbridge's Black Quills. Probably best that I've been out for the last few weeks.

That's it from the school and my main news is that Ginny, Luna and myself have apparently gone 3 for 3 on the genius child front with Lily. Lil has already worked out an elaborate vetting system for visitors (we've had a bit of trouble with Healers): green sludge = approval, yellow sludge = undecided, purple sludge seems to be reserved for Draco Malfoy who, flash wanker, immediately charmed it into a butterfly. Lil was enchanted and cried when I vanished the thing (it was dripping), Al then solemly informed me that he thinks Lily would rather have Draco as a dad and I pondered the merits of vigorously removing my own face with a cheese grater.

Speaking of which: I think Draco is my boyfriend partner person boyfriend. We've not really talked about it but he's been hanging around most of the week, Lily (clearly) likes him, I quite like him. I like him a lot. Haven't really told him but I think he's got the idea. We're going out tonight to one of those posssssssssssssssssss

[a giant ink blot engulfs the next 7 inches of parchment]

Sorry about that. Pins and needles. The Draco thing: I know it's a bit fast but there's something about furiously fondling kissing dating your childhood nemesis for hours, while sleep deprived and attempting to reupholster a sofa (don't ask), that clarifies things. I really like him. More than I liked Oliver, which was unexpected (in another timeline, 15 year old Harry is screaming). Draco's such a good dad, better than his own dad - not that I'd ever tell him that. My boys love him and his own boys look at him like he's simultaneously the most embarrassing human being in the world and the greatest thing they've ever seen.

Having him come over to spend time with me and Lily has been like having a partner. A sarcastic, drawling, sneering, reformed-bigot of a boyfriend which I've realised is exactly what I need. Even the ex-bigot bit. Or especially that. It's taken me a while to see how hard he's trying to be better but I do see it now and he's great. He's really just annoying and wonderful and irritating as fuck and so fucking brilliant that I keep forgetting to tell him that.

Which is why I'm making a fuss of him tonight. Got a table booked at one of those swanky Soho places where all the food is deconstructed to the point where it's basically just seeds and soil. It's going to be great and I wanted to say thanks for encouraging me to give him the benefit of the doubt. If it wasn't for you I might not have realised what a great bloke he is.

Harry

 

Saturday 26th November 2016

Alright Draco? Fancy grabbing a bite to eat?

The kids are with Molly and I've still got one clean t-shirt left, shame to let it go to waste. Pick you up at 7?

Harry x

 

Saturday 26th November 2016

Dear Harry,

Unfortunately I am already promised to Pansy this evening. Theo has finally noticed his own relegation from her sleeping quarters and Pansy has decided to broach the subject of a further separation. My legal council and shield charms are required.

I do hope that you enjoy your evening, give my best to Ginny and Luna.

Yours,

Draco

Chapter Text

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Dearest Draco,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Whatever words of wisdom you offloaded worked some Dark Magic and Theo is now happily humming away in the library. Blue sticking charms are for his books, yellow sticking charms are for mine, and purple charms are for the books that neither of us can identify but suspect may have migrated from mother's subscription to Randy Roan's Carnal Centaurs Ceries. The rest of the Park is being packed and sorted by that Elf removals service your darling mother recommended (please, thank her for me) and Theo has promised that the paperwork will arrive by noon.

Not that I ever doubted your silver tongue and wily ways, but Theo's newfound relish for our divorce has been a tad disconcerting. I assumed that we would be due at least five more years watching Theo milk the Parkinson name in public and Astoria's dusty loins in private. Do you think he can have finally noticed my Lady Chatterley impersonation? To be discussed and dissected another time.

Now. With all my woes neatly spelled away and Daisy visiting the Granger-Weasley cohort, tell me. How are things with Potter? Do not worry! I have spoken my piece and have no wish to linger on how reckless you are being with your own heart, how foolish it is to continue this deception, or how much better you deserve than someone who appears to need constant pep talks, just to remain in the same room as you. For now, let us focus on the positive. Do you still intend to abandon your alter ego? Has Potter finally suggested a date that doesn't involve watching his ex-boyfriend show off?

love love love,

Pansy

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Dear Pansy,

Excellent news. Astoria has already arranged to include Scorpius in their attempts to purchase a new house, she made the mistake of claiming that he could have "whatever you want, darling, we'll be like the three bears, Uncle Theo, Mummy and little Scorpius". By the time I had ceased gagging Scorpius had submitted a written request for a swimming pool, a slide and a hammock in the kind of crabbed, smudged script that leads me to suspect Albus Lovegood-Potter-Weasley may have been taking dictation.

"Reckless" and "foolish" are an accurate (if rather uncharitable) assessment of my behaviour and it has become clear to me that my own heart is not the only one in danger. Setting aside your woeful dismissal of my own commitment to Puddlemere United (who are rumoured to be less than enamoured with Wood's recent peacocking) I must remind you that Harry has, frequently, suggested spending time together without the company of his newborn child or ex-boyfriend. The private, low-key nature of our relationship has been of my own choosing. I do not delude myself that Harry will ever forgive the deception surrounding Mr X, but I remain hopeful that by keeping our association out of the public eye I will have made our eventual separation less painful. At least on his part.

For now, my aim is to limit our contact, both on and off the page. Calling a halt to things via. letter seems rather cold and yet when we meet face-to-face things run all too hot. Temperature wise and otherwise. Once the Wizengamot investigation into the School for Squibs mystery benefactor has been abandoned I will reveal the true identity of Mr X and allow Harry to formally break ties.

Please, for my sake, let's move onto happier things. Such as drinking until the image of Gregory Goyle playing Mellors to your Charlotte has been burned from my brain.

Miserably yours,

Draco

P.S. Hermione owl'd me an hour ago to say that the party has been postponed. Victorine discovered her own birthday cake, consumed the entire thing, reacted badly to the Floo-powdered glaze (Luna wished to create an "out of body experience") and is now recovering in bed. Would you like me to take Daisy off your hands while you wade through all those Swashbuckling Stallions?

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Dear Ron,

The party has been postponed, Harry's got the kids and my course of Verity Veela's Vag ReguVination Tonics is complete. Set the wards on your way home.

Love,

Hermione

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Draco,

I'll reply to the rest of your owl later (my poor little Dragon, so much love to you, etc) but Mummy took Daisy to the party two hours ago and has already owl'd to say that Daisy has been invited to spend the night. I'm stuck with the movers (that Dryad-era bathing cauldron Theo's mother cursed us with has jammed the Floo) and my owls to Granger keep bouncing off their wards. Would it be possible for you to pop over and find out what's going on?

Pans

 

[After multiple owls were unable to deliver notes to the Granger-Weasleys this Howler landed on their doorstep]

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Hermione,

Open your wards. In any other situation I would be loathe (indeed, I am still fully and utterly filled with loathe) to interrupt your "private time"* with Ron but this is important. Either allow me to Floo in or start reading my owls.

Draco

*Such a revolting phrase for what I assume is the two of you taking advantage of Victorine's cancelled party for five extra minutes of gruesomely earnest rutting.

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Piss off Draco.

The wards are up because my gorgeous wife and I are indeed looking to up our weekly quota of spectacular, athletic and aesthetically pleasing sex (I assume that what you meant when you sent a screaming message about "gruesome rutting" to our elderly neighbour. We live at number 5, not 6. Dickhead).

Hermione's already explained why the party was called off, sorry if that inconveniences you but whatever this is can wait.

Ron

Dear Draco, Hermione here. Everything Ron said stands, unless you've suddenly decided to tell Harry that you're Mr X? Because I do have some thoughts on how you should approach that conversation and will be happy to owl them over to the Manor. Best, Hermione

 

Sunday 27th November 2016

Hermione,

If Daisy isn't with you then she has been missing for at least two hours. The last person she was seen with has expressed great interest in the Bucharest Squib Experimentation Clinics. Put your knickers on and meet me at Parkinson Park.

Draco

P.S. We'll talk about Mr X later.

Chapter Text

Monday 28th November 2016

Dear Ron,

I know you're busy but is there any news about Daisy? The boys overheard Luna talking about the kidnap and they're all really upset. We've got Draco's lot with us while their dad looks after Pansy and Scorpius was so distraught at the news that he spelled away his last two remaining teeth in protest. I'm now having to use Al as a translator, James started Wizapediaing the history of the Bucharest Squib clinics (I caught him telling Martin about Healer Quilp's antics) and Gloria keeps threatening to come over and host a "healing circle".

Love,

Gin

 

Monday 28th November 2016

Gin,

Working closely with the Romanian Aurors and got Charlie organising the aerial search. Keep it to yourself but it's looking like Theo was involved. Distracted Pansy with the divorce stuff while her Mum Floo'd Daisy down to Devon, apparently they've been making regular trips over to Bucharest and Obliviating Daisy to make her think she spent the day with our kids. They got her secretly tested a few months ago (Ollivander's claiming he had no idea that they were planning) and when they found out she's got no magic Daddy Death-Eater Parkinson coughed up the cash to enroll Daisy in the latest anti-Squib treatment program. Feels like shit that they got away with it so long because none of our lot ever speak to Pansy. Good news is that when Daisy's back her mum'll get full custody.

Love and kisses to all the kids, tell them Daisy'll be home soon.

Ron

P.S. Thought this might cheer you up: Hermione told Draco that she knows he's Mr X.

 

Monday 28th November 2016

Dear Ron,

Poor Pansy. I don't like the woman but no one deserves this, will have to make more of an effort with her when this all gets sorted out. Glad the Romanians are being helpful, give my love to Charlie and keep a bit for yourself.

Gin

P.S. What?!? So when I wanted to tell Harry it was all "oh no Ginny, let Draco tell him in his own time, give Harry a chance to get to know the real Draco" but when Draco interrupts you and Hermione playing catch the Snitch it's fine for her to just start spraying all his secrets up the wall?

 

Monday 28th November 2016

Gin,

Only replying because there's a delay at Dover and I'm the best big brother (and deserve recognition as such).

1. "Spraying"? You are a hideous person and from now on you are banned from making eye contact with me, Hermione, Rose, Hugo, or any other human being ever to exist.

2. Hermione genuinely thought Draco was having some kind of breakdown over all the secrets. He sent a Howler accusing us of "earnest rutting".

3. They're putting the whole thing on hold until Daisy's back with her mum but Draco keeps looking at Hermione like she's Buckbeak. Every time she walks in the room he looks torn between making a run for it or falling on the ground and playing dead.

gtg, Portakey's finally ready.

Ron

xxx

Chapter Text

Friday 2nd December 2016

Dear Headmistress Granger-Weasley,

Daisy Nott was reunited with her mother less than an hour ago. The Healers confirm that my goddaughter is at least physically well.

Please accept my most heartfelt thanks for Auror Ron's and your own efforts during this difficult time.

I remain yours in good faith,

Draco Malfoy

 

Friday 2nd December 2016

That's great, Draco. Thanks for letting me know.

I miss you. Please stop being so awkward and talk to me. Or Ron. He's ended up being a lot better at these things than I am.

Hermione xx

P.S. I'm not going to tell Harry about Mr X. I promise.

 

Friday 2nd December 2016

And how, precisely, do you propose that I "stop being so awkward" about the fact that you allowed Harry to unknowingly enter into a private, personal correspondence with myself? A correspondence he would have immediately abandoned, had he known my true identity. I find myself most anxious to understand how I am to put aside months (months!) of berating myself for my deception, desperate to remain discreet, terrified that one misplaced word might reveal me as a liar and manipulator. Did you enjoy my discomfort? Were the hours of speculation about Mr X justified by our past, the past you claim to have forgiven and yet still, clearly, hold close?

Forgive me if I seem a little dense. Daisy's abduction has taken a toll and this letter is not what I hoped for when I sat down. I am furious with myself, with you, even with poor Pansy for allowing Theo and her own ghastly parents to endanger Daisy in this way. I have tried to understand why you allowed the persona of Mr X to go unchecked but I find myself exhausted and bewildered by your conduct.

Draco

 

Friday 2nd December 2016

Dear Draco,

I am sorry you're hurt and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

I am also amused at the idea that the man who anonymously donated millions of galleons to a cause he has spent the majority of his political career campaigning against, the man who used this donation to strong arm his self-declared "nemesis" into corresponding with him, the man who lied to all our faces, over and over and over again, is surprised when he encounters duplicity in others.

Get over yourself.

I let you correspond with Harry because we needed the money. I didn't tell Harry who you were because we needed the money. I didn't tell you that I knew who you were because we needed the money.

But I'm also Harry's friend (and now your friend, even if it doesn't feel much like it at the minute). We're all so caught up with the kids and the school that there's not much time to talk about what happened with the war. Harry's not used to asking for help and he was getting really lonely. I tried to talk to him but he'd just switch it back to the school and the babies, Ron could only get him trash-talking the Canons, Ginny and Luna did a better job but the third baby coming along was not great challenging.

Harry needed someone to talk to, I was confident in my protective charms, the school would have had to close if you hadn't stepped in. You've met the kids, you know why I had to make sure we got the money (although we are going to have a chat about the way you've been double-dealing us and the anti-Squib cohort) and you're met Harry, so you know why I'd do anything to make him happy. Even if that means letting him fall in love with the kind of dickhead who sends me angry owls at 4.50am.

Sorry if any of this hurts your pride (no elaborate scheming to destroy your mental well-being, I'm afraid).

Hermione xx

 

Friday 2nd December 2016

Dear Draco,

I know Hermione's already written to you (she gnawed her way through three quills and a packet of Luna's tenacious taffy while doing it) but just wanted to say that we weren't trying to be dicks. Harry was lonely, you were lonely, the school was broke, the kids liked each other. It was just easier to let things carry on until after the births. Course we had no idea that you and Harry would start shagging against everything that was nailed down but by then it was a bit late.

Hermione's really worried about you so have a couple of drinks, tell her it's ok, and then owl your boyfriend.

Cheers,

Ron

P.S. You really should have checked the footnotes on Hermione's first owl about the Schrijfinius Fidelius Agreement. Just too eager to chat with Harry, eh?

P.P.S. Thanks for getting rid of that pesky lie-in, mate. Never understood the need for sleep myself.

P.P.P.S. This is all sarcasm. Owl again and I will let Rosie practise her Reductor curses on your hairline.

 

Friday 2nd December 2016

Dear Harry,

You'll have heard by now that Daisy is back home (her new home, Goyle Farm) and Theo has been arrested. I can barely keep my eyes open but it's been a long week and I've missed you. Can I come over?

Your Draco x

 

Friday 2nd December 2016

Dear Draco,

Sorry but I've got the kids tonight and Lily's waking up every 30 minutes. I've missed you too. Give me an owl tomorrow and we'll have lunch. Got some things to talk to you about (all good!) and not seeing you has been crap.

Brilliant news about Daisy.

Harry xx

Chapter Text

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Draco,

What's wrong?

Not that I don't appreciate the end of the world sex but your exit strategy left a lot to be desired, specifically the bit where you were already dressing while I was still climaxing. You're usually all about aggressive spooning after sex, what went wrong today?

Harry

P.S. For future reference "cheery-o Potty" is not an appropriate way to say goodbye to someone that you just spent 20 minutes panting over and calling "my moon, my stars".

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Dear Harry,

I am sorry for running out on you, I'd promised Pansy a spot of last minute Christmas shopping and had only just remembered. You are, as I'm sure you know, very distracting.

Malfoys are physically incapable of leaving a bed until all occupants are completely, utterly, satisfied. It's practically a medical condition. And I question your definition of "aggressive spooning" as, if I recall correctly, you were the one who morphed into the Giant Squid while I was paying for our pizzas last week.

Draco x

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Draco,

Nice try but talking about your parents' sex lives (I assume that's what you meant by "Malfoy" plural? ha!) isn't going to distract me.

What's up? Is it what you were saying in bed? Because I feel that too.

Harry

P.S. You were thinking about Pansy while we were having sex?

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Harry,

Nothing is wrong and of course I wasn't thinking about Pansy during sex.

I understand that you like to poke fun at all that ludicrous family pride nonsense but my casual reference to sharing a bed with multiple partners (something I assume holds at least some interest for you) was supposed to inspire an enjoyable flirtation. Get with the program, Potty.

Draco

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Fuck.

You have no idea how much I do not want to discuss your dad's kinky habits and how much I do want to discuss your own kinky habits. But you seem to have forgotten that I earned an honorary NEWT in Stalking and Sabotaging Draco Malfoy's Half-Hearted Scheming. You really think I can't tell when I'm being distracted?

Seriously, the sex was great but I felt like shit afterwards and you're the reason for that. Sounds harsh but I really like you, enough to want to have an actual conversation after not seeing you for a week. Starting out with a quick lunchtime shag is fine but if that's all you want (and I don't think it is) then at least tell me.

Harry

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Harry

You're right. I don't just want a "quick lunchtime shag". I meant what I said during sex but I'm finding it difficult to be around you. I'm sorry.

Draco

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

What do you mean you're sorry?

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

Talk to me Draco. It doesn't have to be face-to-face but I need to understand what's going on. Why don't you want to be around me?

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

I do want to

Can we just forget about this

I'm sorry Harry

It's not anything you've done

We'll talk soon, I need a few days. I promise we'll talk soon.

I love you.

Draco

 

Saturday 3rd December 2016

I love you too, you idiot.

Owl me when you're ready to talk.

Harry x

Chapter Text

Friday 9th December 2016

Darling Draco,

Apologies for interrupting your busy regime of stalking across the windswept moors while sporadically bellowing "Potter" but I think you might have to put the angst on hold for a while. Theo's lawyer wants me to advocate for leniency when his trial is held (the date is set for next month, looks like my darling ex-hubbie will be spending Christmas in jail!). I, of course, responded with derisive laughter and gut-loosening hexes but apparently Theo has become rather chatty.

He's threatening to reveal that you were the School for Squibs' anonymous benefactor in exchange for a reduced sentence. If I testify he'll keep it to himself but not only am I unwilling to publicly state that Theo's part in Daisy's abduction was anything other than a dastardly betrayal of his own daughter, there's also a danger that he will continue to leverage that information to gain access to Daisy. I love you so much, my little Dragon, and I will always support you but I cannot prioritise your reputation over Daisy's well-being.

All my love,

Pans xxx

 

Friday 9th December 2016

Queen of my heart,

I completely understand and would do the same. Concentrate on Daisy and do not worry about me. This may well have been the push I needed to finally tell Harry Mr X's true identity.

Yours with love,

Draco

 

Friday 9th December 2016

Dear Hermione,

Theo Nott continues to advocate for unnatural selection by attempting to blackmail Pansy into becoming a character witness at his upcoming trial. His bargaining chip is the identity of Mr X. I have spent the morning consulting my lawyers who appear to think that as the donation was publicly included in the school's financial statement I am unlikely to face prison. Malfoy & Associates has been signed over to Martin's mother, Emma (who is very eager to meet you), which will hopefully put paid to Sit Peasghoul's inevitable accusations of bad faith.

Practicalities aside, I find myself at a loss. How, exactly, does one tell the man one loves that he has been roundly, relentlessly, deceived? Considering Harry's history of being manipulated and mislead by the people he trusts I do not expect forgiveness. My only desire is to mitigate the psychological impact the loss of his correspondent and partner will have upon Harry. Please, any advice you have will be greatly appreciated. I do not intend to reveal your own knowledge of Mr X's identity.

Yours ruefully,

Draco

 

Friday 9th December 2016

Hermione,

I forgot to tell Draco that I'm covering for you at the School this week and so would be checking your owls.

This arrived with the afternoon post. We need to talk.

Harry

Chapter Text

Saturday 10th December 2016

Harry,

Hermione's in bits. She's really sorry about going along with the Mr X stuff, we both are, but she thought she was doing the right thing for the school and for you. Considering the pregnancy hormones, the fire crab infestation (Blaise is still trying to claim they weren't sent by that crab wrangler he hooked up with last year), and Draco logging around a million hours of babysitting maybe give her a break? Seriously mate, I came down at 3am to find her and Ginny drawing up plans to break into the Ministry and nab the last Time Turner. They were trying to decide if they should leave the kids with me or take them along as a distraction. We're all really sorry. Please don't make my wife and sister turn Hugo into a cat burglar before he can even hold his own head up unsupported.

Sorry,

Ron

P.S. What do you mean by "Hermione's a secret Puddlemere fan?"

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

She's been obsessed with the Puddles for months, ever since I started using her Rememberall to record the matches.

Should have known better than to trust someone who blackmailed the Sorting Hat.

Harry

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Alright.

1. I don't believe you. She's got carrier bags of Canons merch stashed under the bed for Christmas and I know it's not all for me. If she was suddenly into Quidditch she'd never even look at the Puddles.

2. She wants me to say that she didn't blackmail the Sorting Hat. And if she did then it was an act of loyalty. Alright she's wandered off muttering about "Ravenbores" so onto point 3...

3. She blatantly blackmailed the Sorting Hat but you can't really think that she's not to be trusted.

4. She was keeping an eye on Draco the entire time.

You're in a snit and that's fine but it's nearly Christmas, the kids are already sick of having to be dropped off by Luna (and why is she the only one you're not pissed off with?), Mum is threatening to invite Draco's lot to Christmas dinner, and Albus has picked up on your mood and started calling Rose "Nose" again. Still got no idea why it upsets her so much.

Ron

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Dear Luna,

I heard Albus is acting out, want me to take him tonight?

Love,

Harry

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Dear Harry,

What a delightful idea. Albus does indeed appear to be struggling with the addition of Lily Luna and the loss of his best friend.

I am afraid that I will be unable to Floo him over this evening. Would you mind lowering the wards you've set against Ginny? As she is the mother of your children, one of your oldest friends, your adopted sister, and the only person who supported you during your suspenders phase, I assume that you were planning to do this anyway?

Yours with love, peace and wonder

Luna

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Dear Luna,

Point taken, I've been a dick to her and I'll say sorry tonight.

Nice of you to say but I saw Albus 10 hours ago and I'm not sure that I'm his "best" friend, surely that's Scorpius? Is he really upset? Hermione cast Muffilato charms before we started yelling at each other and I thought the kids were all asleep?

Love,

Harry

P.S. It wasn't a suspender phase, they were braces. You know that, right? Tell me you haven't been telling people I used to wear "suspenders".

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Dear Harry,

Did you know that the father-son relationship is like catnip for Snarkelwaffels? I one saw one react to a father teaching his son how to shoplift and it was such a beautiful sight. The Snarkelwaffel went bright pink and began to exude clouds of shimmering light. The Snarkelwaffels are always very excited when they catch sight of yourself and Albus, clearly your bond holds great strength and power.

But I was actually referring to Scorpius. Apparently the boys have noticed your less than cordial attitude when speaking of Draco and have decided to take sides. James sent Martin a Howler of himself belching Drake's Back to Back and Scorpius responded with a cutting note addresses to "Albutt".

In addition to clearing the air with Ginny, it seems prudent to examine your own feelings regarding Draco.

Yours with love and wonder,

Luna

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Yeah alright, you and your glitter farting Snarfels make a convincing argument. I'll make sure that the boys know it's alright to be mates with the mini-Malfoys and I'll do something about Draco. Any suggestions for what that something should be?

Harry

 

Saturday 10th December 2016

Dear Harry,

Hermione mentioned that you might find it enlightening to reread the letters between yourself and Mr X before confronting Draco.

Love,

Luna

Chapter Text

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Hermione,

I'm trying to rereading Mr X's letters to calibrate exactly the right combination of Unforgiveables to unleash on Malfoy when I next see him. It's impossible to do without getting angry and I've got Lilly Luna and James this afternoon. Rather than disturb the kids I'm going to owl you every time I need to siphon off a bit of rage. Sound fair? I thought so.

Rules for how this is going to work.

1. You don't reply.

2. I get to be as pissed off about this as I want.

3. This doesn't mean I'm alright with you, or Ron.

Fuck you (and Ron) very much (but love to Rose and Hugo),

Harry

 

[The following owls were all delivered between 3pm and 7pm on Wednesday 14th December 2016]

 

Right. First letter, he called my glasses "grime encrusted" and talked about my "celebrity lifestyle". How. The. Fuck. Did. I. Miss. This. He wasn't even trying to hide who he was. He might as well of signed off with "Yours ferretly, Draco Twatfoy".

 

I thought he was a brunette! That must have been the week I ran into Oliver Wood at the Leaky. Shit. I talked to him about Oliver. Fuck.

 

Alright Ron told me about how the Schrijfinius Fidelius Agreement told you who he really was (fuck you, you should have told me, etc) but did you work it out before that? Rhetorical question, Rule 1 still applies.

 

Didn't realise how long my early letters to him were. Must have been killing him, sitting there having to read about what coffee I was drinking and my theories about the school central heating and not even being able to sneer back! Fuck, I referred to the office coffee as "sweet nectar", I am such a dick when I'm caffeinated - yet another thing you and Ron as my "best friends" should have told me. Joking, a bit.

 

Can't fucking breath thinking about Brian's Apparation Skid Marks sculpture series! Oh, and there's me suggesting Mr X come to the school to see it. Because why not, I can't even recognise the person I've been obsessed with hated for the majority of my life when he's right in front of me, Malfoy could probably have drawn on a mustache in fucking purple crayon and I would have been all "oh hello good sir, have we met before? I think not! allow me to introduce myself, I am Harry Pratter".



I am an idiot I am such an idiot I am so fucking stupid I just want to rip my own hair out and shove it down my own throat until I choke and die. Fuck.

 

Of course he actually turned up for the exhibition. Of fucking course. I even told Mr X about Malfoy showing up! I mentioned Malfoy to him. I called him a Rare Albino Ferret. I called him a dickhead. I called him a bigot. I called him a boil on my arse. WHERE IS MY FUCKING FILTER?? Fucking fucking fuck I talked about his fucking eyes.

 

Fucks sake. My first letter back from Mr X and it's Malfoy getting pissy about Puddlemere and calling my comments about his eyes "character assassinations, snide accusations, slander, gossip". He is so dramatic, how did I miss this? How? How? FUCKING HOW?

 

Oh. And there's good old Harry apologising, spilling all the plans about protesting Ollivanders' testing, and twatting lyrical about fucking Oliver Wood.

 

Forgot he was the one to suggest we watch Philomena. I should watch that again.

 

"There are some very moving scenes around the theme of forgiveness that seem particularly pertinent to our post-war world". Alright fucking forget it. I knew, I fucking knew, that Malfoy would have been using every opportunity to weasel his way in. Why just recommend a decent film when you can turn it into a dig?

 

Right. That anonymous tip we got about Ollivanders' testing was from Malfoy, wasn't it? Don't bother answering. Why couldn't he just fucking say that he wanted to help us? Don't answer.

 

And there's me going on about how much I loved Malfoy's article in The Prophet re. the testing. He must have loved that. From "boil on my arse" to "brilliant!" in less than a week. Fuck this is getting depressing. More depressing. You know I actually thought that Malfoy was just turning into a decent human being? Didn't realise that I was giving him a fucking checklist for how to do that. You think he would have written that column if I hadn't been writing to Mr X about how much Malfoy pissed me off? You can answer that.

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Dear Harry,

Yes I think he would have written that column anyway. He wouldn't have made the donation to the school in the first place if he didn't want to support Squib rights.

Love,

Hermione

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Dear Harry,

I think Al needs to come home. He and Scorpius appear to have had a misunderstanding and both boys are in tears. I've tried owling Luna but there has been no response and Al does seem rather distressed. Would it be acceptable for me to Floo him over? His overnight bag is still packed so we shouldn't be more than 10 minutes.

Your Draco

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Dear Harry,

Is everything alright? I understand that you were worried about Al but you were rather nonverbal just now. I am sorry I couldn't stay after dropping Al off, Scorpius has cried himself to sleep without telling me what their fight was about, has Al said anything?

Your Draco

P.S. I appreciate your attempts to give me space, however I think it's time for us to talk through a few things. Theo Nott's trial has a January date, I may be called to testify, and there are some discussions that I would prefer to have with you face-to-face beforehand.

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Malfoy,

I'll talk to Al.

Thanks for dropping him off.

Harry

Chapter Text

[More owls from Harry to Hermione, delivered on the evening of Wednesday 14th December 2016]

 

I can't get my head around how Malfoy managed to keep his mouth shut. I'm owling "Mr X" saying that Slytherins aren't all bad but also saying that Malfoy's been trying to get the school shut down and he has nothing to say?

 

I swear on all our kids lives and all the worms graves that this is the one and only time I'll use this phrase with a straight face but there's maybe a touch of anti-Slytherin bias in my letters. At one point I say that Blaise is the only one worth knowing. Maybe I should send Pansy a box of posh biscuits or something. Greg too. Does Blaise still like those fake custard creams from M&S?

 

The letter where I mention liking Malfoy's glasses seems a good point to start drinking. (Remember rule one, break rule one and I'm going to call you Sex Muffin at the next board meeting).

 

Do you think he's the reason the boys stopped calling me "Hawwy"?

Do you think he's the reason they started calling me "Hawwy"?

 

Fuck. Malfoy was responsible for Nadine and Jacob's internships with MILF. No wonder "Mr X" was so confident about his ability to get them in there. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck it he's the reason the Wizengamot suspended the Muggle-born rights bill, isn't he? Don't answer. "Suspicions of double-dealing". Fucking fuck Draco Malfoy. Wasn't it enough to appease his conscience with the donation and humiliate me a bit? How did he let this happen? How did fucking Pansy let this happen?? She must have known.

 

He knew I fancied Oliver Wood. Oh fuck it all, I told "Mr X" about not fancying Malfoy. And then about fancying Malfoy.

 

I can't do this anymore. I told him about Freddie. Both as Mr X and Draco. You said it would be fine. How could you have let me go on like this? Knowing that Draco was someone already in our fucking lives. In contact with the school. Alright I'm temporarily lifting rule one.

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Dear Harry,

Don't start drinking, you have school tomorrow. And children in the house. And Ginny isn't there to talk you out of watching The Land Before Time.

The only thing Draco did with that insight was to try and help Freddie. In fact he was the only one of us who actually did manage to help the poor little sod.

If you can't read the letters please talk to Draco. He can answer your questions far better than I can. Aside from the question about why I didn't tell you and unfortunately the answer to that question isn't going to change.

You were lonely.

He was lonely.

We needed the money.

Love,

Hermione

P.S. You get two free passes and you just wasted one of them on Sex Muffin. Seriously, stop drinking or I'm sending Luna over.

P.P.S. I think it was Neville who liked the fake custard creams. Blaise prefers Jaffa Cakes, the lime ones. Remind me again why we are friends with such a pair of deviants?

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Dear Harry,

I am sorry for intruding and I am trying to respect your need for space but what I have to say is time sensitive. Certain things have moved beyond my control and as much as I might wish we could postpone this conversation it needs to happen soon.

Please Harry.

Your Draco

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Malfoy,

Whatever it is can wait until the weekend.

Harry

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Harry,

The weekend will probably be too late. Please tell me what's wrong?

Did Ginny finally tell you about James' scrapbook? All boys go through such a phase. When I was his age I had an entire album dedicated to press clippings of Hoagie Hogbee's debut season. There is, I grant you, a bit of a difference between the raven-haired, mustachioed Magpies reserve Seeker and the man who once played second fiddle to Voldemort but my father really has improved. Slightly. At least incrementally enough that James' admiration isn't entirely misplaced. When viewed through the bottom of an empty brandy glass.

Please talk to me.

Draco

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Malfoy.

I'm trying to hold onto my temper but you really are pushing it. James' obsession with your father is almost as disgusting as your admission that you've been lying this entire time about being a Puddlemere supporter. So many lies, Malfoy. So many fucking lies. Is anything you've said to me true? Why bother to go to all those games with me when all that time you were secretly a Magpie? Were you wearing their kit under your robes or was it amusing enough just to watch me cheering the Puddles on, thinking that I was in the company of a fellow Puddle?

Harry

 

Wednesday 14th December 2016

Potter.

My apologies. I was unaware that associating with me was such a trial for you, although perhaps it is unsurprising that I have failed to live up to The Chosen One's expectations. Clearly mere mortals such as myself should be grateful for every second we spend in your presence without being rendered incoherent and incontinent by pulsating waves of heroic virtue. I apologise for imposing on you in this way, oh great and powerful saviour.

Malfoy

P.S. We still need to talk.

Chapter Text

Thursday 15th December 2016

Harry,

Still up for Mum's Nondenominational Carol Service tonight? Fair warning that Hermione's invited the Slytherins (Pansy would only agree to come if Draco and Greg played back-up) and Luna's offered to make those date pithas again. She's talking about adding sherbet this time.

Ron

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Alright mate,

Forgot that was today. Tell Molly I be there with Luna and the boys at 6 (Lily's still getting over that UTI and Ginny looks ready to start taking hostages).

Harry

P.S. I've already told Luna I'll be making the pithas but she's really stuck on that sherbet idea. Think we might be in for a fizzy Christmas Pudding.

P.P.S. Don't worry about Draco, I'll behave if he does.

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

"I'll behave if he does". Good one Harry. Can't wait to see how that works out.

Seriously mate, let me know if I need to run interference or just tell the Slytherins to back off. We can always "commune, connect and if-needs-be-cry" with Pansy another time.

Give Lily kisses from me and tell Gin to stop being such a fucking drama queen (but also make sure to leave this sachet by the kettle, it's one of those energy rebalancing things I nicked from Fleur).

Cheers,

Ron

P.S. I know you're still pissed off and things are a bit shit right now but you're still my mate and you can talk to me about Draco. If you want. Just don't make it weird.

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Cheers mate. Appreciate the offer to chat about Draco's oral technique (as we're True Men and Utter Lads I'm assuming you were offering to talk about sex stuff, rather than my feelings). But there's no need. I drank a lot of coffee* last night and ploughed through the rest of the Mr X-Boyfriend letters. Helped clear my head.

He's still a dick and it's going to take a long time to get over this but at least reading them all together meant I could see that he never really tried to fuck me over. Can't say that I'd have withstood the temptation to mess with him if our roles had been reversed. I even sent him a few owls, saying how frustrated and betrayed I was about the whole thing. Such emotional growth in one still so young.

Cheers,

Harry

*Would rather have being drinking something stronger but back in first year I made friends with this complete know-it-all who has been simultaneously ruining and improving my life ever since. You're a lucky man.

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Dear Arsebishop of Banterbury,

As you rightly pointed out I am a very lucky man. The kind of lucky man who is shagging world famous sexpot Hermione Granger on the reg and not above talking about it, at great length, if I have to hear any more about Draco's great length. (Ha!) (Don't confirm that, I don't need to know).

Glad that you're feeling better about the Mr X letters and have managed to talk things through. Draco owes you a million apologies but he's a good bloke and a bloody brilliant babysitter.

Cheers,

The Crowned Penis of Bangland

P.S. Congrats on the emotional growth although I hear that kind of thing can be detrimental to your status as a Champion Good 'Un.

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Great, see you later.

Just be sure not to mention the Mr X thing to Draco. He doesn't know I know and I need a bit more time to work through it.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

You said you'd talked it through with him. "I even sent him a few owls, saying how frustrated and betrayed I was". Are you alright? Is your scar hurting again?

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

I used Quidditch teams as an analogy. Bit like the way Gin uses hedgehogs to help James say when Al's pissing him off, rather than just dropping Al's lego in the loo.

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Right but in that situation Al knows that when James says "stop being such a hedgehog" he means "stop pretending that Smarties are the same as my ADHD meds because it makes me feel like shit that I get pills and you get Smarties". Does Draco know that he's a Smartie?

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Obviously not. Like I said, I'm not ready to talk about this with him yet. Still, good to have cleared the air a bit.

 

Thursday 15th December 2016

Right, not sure if this is "clearing the air" or "attempting to unblocked a clogged toilet by releasing a cloud of toxic gas" but either way it'll be interesting. Just bear in mind that generally it takes two people to have an argument. And both of those people need to know that they're having it.

Cheers,

Ron

 

Chapter Text

Friday 16th December 2016

Dearest Draco,

Potter is vile, you deserve so much better my darling.

Unless he has already owl'd a grovelling apology? In which case I will discourage Daisy and Gretel from their diabolical plotting. The thickness of the farm house walls has made it impossible for me to catch the finer details, but they have already asked the elves for extra glue, some of those plastic self-spawning earwigs, a lump of fudge, and a corkscrew.

Do let me know how you are getting on and if there is anything I can do to cheer you up.

love love love

Pans

P.S. Even if Potter has apologised, you still deserve better.

 

Friday 16th December 2016

My most delightfully pugnacious Pansy,

It warms my heart that you are still as rabidly "for" me as you were last night and I believe you may have an ally in Ginny Weasley. She popped over first thing this morning to check on me, accompanied by Al and with a selection of Luna's mashed potato cupcakes. Al immediately disappeared with Scorpius and I was left to inhale all 12 of the cakes and apologise to Ginny for my part in last night's disgraceful display. She in turn assured me that Harry is "a complete nob" and "so gone on you, honestly, Draco, it's completely sickening".

Harry himself has not been in touch, however his parting shot last night (after recounting every incidence of fowl (ahem) play from the Magpies in the last century) was to reiterate that he "needs time" and "this" is "only over if you want it to be, you beautiful wanker stop looking at me like that".

After a sleepless night I can only conclude that Harry has, somehow, realised that I am Mr X.

Yours in despair and with much love,

Draco

P.S. I believe that your pint-sized plotters may be in league with my own brood. Scorpius and Martin have commandeered the study, rejected all attempts on my part to explain last night (thank goodness, as I really had no idea where to begin), and a near constant stream of owls have been blowing in and out all morning.

P.P.S. Bellowing at Potter while the Weasleys caterwauled their way through Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End) may have been more of the more surreal experiences of my life. I cannot recommend it, should you and Greg ever exit that delightfully sappy bubble of domestic bliss and join the rest of us broken souls in the real world.

 

Friday 16th December 2016

Darling Draco,

Are you sure? Did he say anything to you? This does make sense given the flimsiness of his original complaint and yet, forgive me my darling but, you have become rather paranoid about this Mr X business.

love love love

Pans

P.S. You are not allowed to make any more jokes at your own expense, please redirect your anger towards Potter.

 

Friday 16th December 2016

Dear Pans,

You may be right. I will owl Harry now, this entire thing has dragged on for too long, a few moments ago Martin appeared to scorch 'War Rum' into the study door. Those panels were Regency era.

Love,

Draco

 

Friday 16th December 2016

Harry,

I am Mr X. If you did not know this please direct all Howlers to the office, I am working from home today but will nip in around 4pm to collect them.

However your moody silences, huffing, puffing, and eventual self-righteous snarling about my supposed "betrayal" regarding the Magpies has led me to believe that you were already aware of this information and have been trying to "work through it" on your own. While I take heart that you didn't immediately sever all contact with me I believe that last night demonstrates our need to discuss the matter before it upsets the boys any further. Your parting comment gave me hope that whatever anger you may feel towards me now, there is still a chance for us to move past this.

Draco

P.S. Please Harry, you have every right to be upset but I have never regretted anything as much as I regret the invention of Mr X.

 

Friday 16th December 2016

Draco,

Yes I know you are Mr X. Not really sure what else there is to say right now that I haven't already said. I don't really think that you're a secret Magpie supporter, sorry about that. The other stuff still stands and I know what I said last night probably gave you hope, but I've had time to think about it and I don't think it's going to work. Us. I'm not as angry as I was and I think if this had happened another time we might have been able to talk it through.

What people never seems to realise is that it's just as exhausting being lied to as it is to carry on deceiving someone. I'm knackered, finding out about you, stuff with the school, Lily. It's all a bit too much. Something's got to give and it can't be my children or the school so I'm afraid that it's going to have to be whatever it was we had going on. I just don't have the time or energy to keep fighting for it.

Sorry, really.

Harry

 

Friday 16th December 2016

Harry,

I completely understand. Thank you for trying to forgive me.

Draco

 

[Later that evening two identical letters were delivered to Mr Draco Malfoy and Mr Harry Potter]

 

Friday 16th December 2016

Communication from the Harry Potter School for Squibs International Anti-Bullying Court.

Dear Sir,

You've been reported to the Harry Potter School for Squibs International Anti-Bullying Court as a bully by Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, Martin Briggs-Malfoy, Albus Severus Potter, and James Sirius Potter. You've also been reported by Daisy Narcissa Nott and Gretel Gomez but they're on the jury so it doesn't count.

Charges:

You yelled at Harry/Draco (circle which one applies). Called him names in front of everyone. Brought up old stuff you said you weren't bothered about any more. Upset everyone. Ruined the Weasley carol service.

The Anti-Bullying Court President Brian orders you to appear to answer these charges on Monday, 19th December 2016 at 11am.

Don't be late.

Jacob, also Society President.

P.S. Hello Harry and Draco, Hermione here. I understand that you will both have a lot on your plates and that it may be tempting to dismiss this communication as a bit of nonsense. I would advise, however, that you show up bright and early on Monday. As the two of you are going to frequently cross paths over the next few months it is important for the children to see that you have made an effort to work through your differences.

While our own kids may be hardy little brutes who barely bat an eyelash at you bawling insults at each other, it hardly sets a good example for future conflict resolution. And the kids at the school (who as you both know often have their own anger issues) will benefit from seeing how adults can talk through their issues calmly. Love, Hermione.

Chapter Text

Monday 19th December 2016

Notes from the 8th meeting of the Harry Potter School for Squibs International Anti-Bullying Court

In attendance:

President Brian Bradders and President Jacob Dickinson

Gretel Gomez, and Daisy Narcissa Nott as the Jury of Peers

Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, Martin Briggs-Malfoy, Albus Severus Potter, and James Sirius Potter as the Plaintiffs

Harry James Potter and Draco Lucius Malfoy as the Accused

Jane Eh taking the notes


President Jacob stood to welcome everyone, President Brian stood faster and did it for him. Brian thanked everyone, including himself, twice, for coming. He expressed the hope that the Jury of Peers would be just and thorough. That the Plaintiffs would be clear. That the Accused would be quiet (Draco sat back down). And that however the harsh hand of justice fell today, that no offense would be held against Brian, Jacob, or any of the Jury of Peers when distributing Christmas presents and in fact-

Brian was interrupted by Headmistress Hermione Granger arriving. Late. Despite telling certain people in the room that this is a matter of civic duty, that the young minds in our care must be carefully guided through this difficult time, that it was vital to set a good example. And that all of this must kick off at 11am on the dot, regardless of whether it's the sodding Christmas holidays and having two weeks off over Christmas is all that is holding certain people back from an early grave.

Brian asked if he should start again. Everyone said no.

While Hermione was enabling mollifying Brian, Jacob stood to explain that first the Court would hear new business, then from the Plaintiffs, then from the Accused, then-

Gretel interrupted to ask when the girls would get to talk. Jacob told her that the Jury were meant to listen, not speak. Gretel said that was stupid as she and Daisy were much more interesting than the boys. Jacob told her to be quiet. She ignored him.

After a while Hermione suggested that the Jury could ask the Plaintiffs and Accused questions and that the Anti-Bullying Court might want to look into recruiting a few more women. Brian was unconvinced until Harry hinted that if they were going to use it for such a good cause, he might see a way to liberating the badge maker. Brian cautiously agreed. Draco asked what kind of badges he liked making. Brian said mostly squares. Draco said that was a tricky shape, had he tried ovals? Brian looked intrigued but before this conversation continued long enough for your humble notetaker to start writing the notes in her own blood they were interrupted by Hermione and told to get on with it.

New Business:

Brian reported that M. Bonbon had reacted favourably to Brian's apology collage.

Hermione asked if the apology rap wasn't actually supposed to have just been a nice letter? Brian shrugged.

Jacob volunteered the information that Brian's apology collage had been "rank". Brian seemed pleased.

No other new business to report.

The Plaintiffs:

James told the court that watching his dad yell at Draco Malfoy ("my personal hero and inspiration") was psychologically scarring and had probably set him back mentally a few years at least.

Albus told the court that seeing his dad stop being friends with Draco ("When he really did like you a lot. He talks about you all the time you know, and not even bad stuff anymore. This morning he said he liked your suit, and it's just a boring old suit. It doesn't even have stripes and-")

Harry stood to address the Court but was spelled back into his chair by Hermione.

Albus said that it made him worry that he and Scorpius would stop being friends. Draco assured Albus that would not happen. Albus pointed out that he and Scorpius hadn't known each other as long as Harry and Draco had. ("What if we're like you in 50 years time? Old and mean and-")

Draco explained to the Court that, actually, he and "Potter" were still very young men who were in the prime of life.

Hermione explained that no one cared.

Scorpius told the court that his dad was very upset about not being friends with Harry. James told Scorpius that he was "a div" and that they were "in love, not fwends". Scorpius objected to James' fake lisp and explained that he knew they were in love but just because James' dad broke his dad's heart didn't mean they couldn't be fRRRRiends.

Harry and Draco spoke at the same time:

Harry pointed out that he hadn't broken Draco's heart.

Draco pointed out that they did not love each other.

Harry looked a bit put out by this, to be honest.

The bell rang for lunch.


Hello all, Ron taking over the notes here after my wonderful wife (the one my heart blossoms for, the one my loins grind for, etc etc) Hermione realised that pissing off the only School employee not currently sleep-deprived and juggling a new born wasn't the best idea. (Jane, have a good one with your sister. I promise I won't let Hermione owl you again until after the New Year).

Right then, that took a while to write and I've missed a bit (Jane wasn't the only one hoping to spend today off work). So, the gist!

Brian did a speech. Jacob did a recap. Martin stood up to speak his piece but was interrupted by Harry giggling at something Draco said. Giggling. Mate.

Draco looked pleased with himself for all of three seconds before clearly remembering that he is heart broken and being put on trial by his own kids. Now he's just kind of sneering. If a sneer could wobble.

Oh! Cheered up a bit now that Martin is talking again. Missed what Martin said but it sounded like he insulted Harry's hair. Fucking Malfoys.

Right so I don't know what's next but-


Hermione Granger has now taken over the notes while Ronald Weasley escorts himself back to the pub.

The Jury of Peers stood to ask their questions.

Gretel to James: Are you really in love with Draco?

Harry: No one is in love with anyone.

Gretel to James: Answer the question, please.

James: No.

Draco requested the right to cross-examine.

Harry: What?

Harry: What are you doing?

Harry: What the fuck?

Draco: James Sirius Potter, you claim that your admiration for myself drove you to bring these charges against the two of us and yet at no point have you provided evidence of bullying. Unless you can I struggle to believe that this little performance is motivated by anything other than-

James: You literally just said that two of you don't love each other but I heard you tell him you do love him so how about you just, like, stop lying?

Draco: ...

Harry: ...

James: Yeah. Check and mate.

Draco: That's... that's not what check mate is...

Harry: Right, that's the part of what he said that you're arguing with?

Draco stared at Harry.

Harry: Sorry. Next?

Daisy to Albus: Why didn't you invite me to the worm funerals?

Albus: Because you always take over things. They were my worms.

Daisy: New question, why are you so stupid?

Albus: You can't ask me that, she can't ask me that, can she dad?

Harry: No, Daisy be nice and ask a proper question.

Daisy: If you and Dragon love each other why aren't you kissing?

Draco: Objection. I move for Dragon to be stricken from the records. The question of whether we love each other is technically unproven and the question of kissing is... is... We are not here to... to... We are friends. We are going to be friends. Friendship, and... and.. platonic relationships are just as important as the, aha, as the carnal, the romantic, the... and... Potter, a little help here?

Harry: You sure you need it?

Draco: Would you rather I continued to talk about "the carnal" in front of our children? Our individual children. The children we have had individually with other people. Not, together.

James: Criiiiiiiiiiiinge.

Harry: James, shut up. Draco, sit down. Daisy, we are going to be friends and that's more than enough. It may take a while but friends...

At this point Harry and Draco did a great deal of staring at each other.

Gretel to Scorpius: Scorpius, how upset was your dad when Harry dumped him?

Scorpius: None of your business.

Brian: May I remind you that you are bound by the law and all that is holy in this good land to-

Jacob: None of this is true.

Brian: -provide just and frank answers to-

Scorpius: Look they said they're going to stop hating each other and be friends. That's enough. Can we go home now?

Daisy: I still get to question Martin!! Ummm... Ummm... Ummmm!!!! Ummm... whatsyourfavouritecolour??

Martin: Blood.

Draco: And now we're done, come along boys.

Brian: Just a moment Mr Dragon.

Draco: Draco or Mr Malfoy are both acceptable.

Brian: Daisy called you Dragon.

Draco: ...

Brian: Yeah [executing a rather impressive karate kick] Check and mate!

Brian and James high-fived and then Brian explained to the room that they still needed to pass sentence. Brian and Jacob huddled for a while, most of what they talked about appeared to be Brian's likelihood of receiving a copy of Ren Hang's Republic for Christmas. They then declared the Court had decided not to prosecute Harry and Draco but that they would be "keeping an eye on them".

Meeting disbanded.

 

Chapter Text

Saturday 24th December 2016

Dear Draco

Alright Draco?

Malfoy you cock

Dear Draco

Hi Draco

Draco

Draco

Draco

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Malfoy

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Potter?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Shit, bloody owl grabbed the note before I was finished. Sorry about that.

How've you been?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

I have been well, how are you?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Yeah good, thanks. Ginny and Luna are on stocking duty this year so I'm polishing off the carrot and whiskey the kids left for Santa.

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Lucky man. Astoria has decided to spend Christmas with the Greengrasses in Crete and it is my turn with Martin. Emma provided a stocking for him but he waited until 9pm on Christmas Eve before thinking fit to tell me that if he does not receive a Mockingjay broom tomorrow morning Christmas will be ruined. Scorpius, meanwhile, is insisting that all his presents be "given to the poor". We have been reading Little Women and I believe he rather fancies himself as Beth.

P.S. I don't suppose you've ever had to wrap a self-starting broom? Pansy tried to teach me the charm but every time I unroll the sellotape the Mockingjay makes a break for the fireplace.

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

You panic brought your son a suicidal broom and you've allowed your other son to develop an affinity with a character who spends most of the book on her death bed? So festive, what's next? Butchering the turkey yourself? A rousing chorus of Every Christmas, Every Year?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

While you sit alone on Christmas Eve, eating a stolen carrot?

P.S. Beth dies?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Fair point. We got James one of those brooms for his birthday, the trick is to talk to it for a bit. Explain why you're wrapping it up, how excited Martin will be to unwrap it. That kind of thing.

P.S. Sorry about that, I thought you'd have read it before. It's not really a spoiler though, I'm fairly sure that Beth was coughing into a handkerchief by the end of the first page.

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Thank you Harry. Your suggestion worked wonderfully, I now have only to decide on the appropriate way to gift wrap a wormery.

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Draco. Mate.

We made a vow. Ginny even set fire to that chunk of her own hair to seal the deal. No more wormeries until we find a way to get rid of Al's current batch.

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Harry. "Mate".

As far as I (a fully qualified legal practitioner) am aware: accidentally inhaling singled hair is not, in and of itself, a binding legal contract.

Truth be told, that new tooth Scorpius was taking such pride in at the hearing was revealed to be a small piece of cheese and the only way to console him was with the promise of his own wormery.

What did you originally intend to owl me about?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Poor Scorp. Couldn't you fill it with gummy worms? Or would that be a slap in the face?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

I have already purchased the wormery, complete with live tenants.

Why were you owling me?

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

I've forgotten. Merry Christmas Draco.

 

Saturday 24th December 2016

Merry Christmas Harry.

Chapter Text

Monday 26th December 2016

Harry,

Are you alright? Ron said that you went all quiet and mumbly when he mentioned Draco. Is that why you left so early?

You know you've handled that whole thing really well. Everything's been such a muddle recently, I should have said something sooner.

Love,

Hermione

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Harry you beautiful lump of a man!

Mum was so worried about you and your moody broody face yesterday that she let slip that Percy is going "up the hounds" or whatever posh people call their Boxing Day fox hunting. Luna is fuming, Al is digging out the protest banners, Mum's got Lily, James has repeatedly offered to fill some water-balloons with his own piss*, it's going to be brilliant!

Please say you'll come?

Gin Gin xxxxxxxxxxxx

*I've said a firm "I'd really rather you didn't, dear" and left him to his own devices for the last hour.

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Sorry Gin, think I'm coming down with something.

Give Percy hell from me.

Harry x

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Hermione,

Thanks but I'm fine. I do feel a bit shit about what happened with Draco but we owl'd a bit and I reckon it'll be alright in the end.

We'll probably go back to being mates, once I get over it. I am mostly over it. It's not that bad. Everyone cocks up now and then. Granted when it comes to Draco it's more like cocks up now and now and now and now and now and now and now.

I had another reread of the Mr X letters last night. You know he tried to help me give up caffeine?

I'd forgotten what good taste he has in films, he was the one who recommended we watch Captain Fantastic. Though that was as Draco, not Mr X. Maybe we should invite him along to see the new Star Wars, are you still thinking Thursday for that? Blaise'll be back in London by then and I reckon Cho and Eric would be up for it.

Let me know

Harry

P.S. I nearly forgot! Percy's sucking up to his boss and going on another of those Boxing Day hunts. Going by what he said last year was like they'll probably just flop around on the horses for a bit and then have a bacon sarnie but Luna's in a snit about it and her, Gin, and the kids are heading over. In James' case, clutching small plastic bags of his own piss. Don't think he's forgiven Percy for that "healthy" Easter Egg. I'm not going but you and Ron could Pensieve it for me?

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Harry,

Yes, I imagine Draco will be looking forward to seeing Rogue One.

Before issuing an invitation, could you please take a moment to answer this short quiz for me?

Are you suggesting that we invite your ex-boyfriend of less than a fortnight to the cinema with us,

a) Because you think that 10 days is more than enough time to hurt, heal, and move on from a man you were so obsessed with you once spent over an hour talking about how ridiculous he looked when he loosened his tie during a Wizengamot debate. 

b) Because you are worried that Draco will go and see Star Wars with someone else. And that this someone else will try to hold his hand and gaze into his eyes in the pub afterwards while debating the dream Puddlemere lineup and stopping every now and then for a quick snog.

c) Because you miss spending time with him and are hoping to shimmy back into his life without ever actually discussing or resolving anything, or even deciding if you still have a romantic interest in him?

d) Sod off Hermione, you wanker, but also all of the above.

Love, Hermione

 

Monday 26th December 2016

d.

Does that make me the wanker?

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Not enough to count and he did lie to you.

I know we all did but ours were more lies of omission, with good intentions. Do you honestly think that his awkwardness about being such a shit at Hogwarts was justification for lying to you as much as he did?

This is all coming out wrong and I really should go and check on Rose (she's been quiet for over 8 minutes). But what I am trying to say is that it takes a while to reestablish trust and just because you, Ron, and I are so quick to forgive each other doesn't mean you should pressure yourself to do the same for Draco.

Love,

Hermione

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Can I answer "all of the above" again?

I've realised that this is the kind of mind vomit I used to owl Mr X, looks like Draco's ruse was at least good for one thing.

Harry

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Harry

I can't believe I'm suggesting this and would like it officially noted that I have spent most of the morning finishing off Luna's Very Boozy Not So Choosy Liquid Trifle, but do you think it might help to owl "Mr X" and talk to him about this?

Love,

Hermione

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Dear Brightest Witch of Our Age,

Asking my ex-boyfriend to the cinema with a group of friends in order to try and understand how I'm feeling about him is so ridiculous that it deserves a specially crafted snarky quiz. Whereas owling the shady alias he used to infiltrate my life and that ultimately destroyed our relationship in order to turn him into a proxy for himself in a discussion of his own deception is, what? Completely reasonable?

Love,

The Boy Who Lived To Finally Meet A Ridiculous Scheme He Could Say "No" To

 

Chapter Text

Monday 26th December 2016

Dear Mr X,

I'm missing our updates so thought I'd reinstate them.

We're all recovering from Christmas over here, it's always a bit exciting when there's a new Weasley grandchild at the table and we got two this year. Some of the highlights:

  • Woken up at 6.30 am by Angelina and Lee physically restraining George from starting the fireworks display.
  • Dinner lasted 12 rounds, including a spaghetti course as that's the only thing James'll eat at the minute.
  • Molly caught Luna tipping a packet of Galloping Gumballs into the Yorkshire pudding batter.
  • Arthur insisted on decorating the tree with the reel of VHS cassette tape Bill gave him, which turned out to vulnerable to combustion when placed in direct sunlight.
  • Ron caught Hermione eating fudge behind the Christmas tree and nearly had to be sedated (she hates the stuff and only eats it when she's pregnant).
  • The result of which was that Gin and I got photographed buying an emergency Preggo-Or-Neggo potion.
  • By the time we got back Al's wormery was in smithereens and everyone was refusing to say what happened.

Well, that's it from me.

Harry

P.S. You know you still haven't apologised?

 

Monday 26th December 2016

Potter,

I am sorry. I am sorry that I lied to you, I am sorry that I used the letters to insert myself into your life, I am sorry that I manipulated you, I am sorry I did not reveal myself or abandon the character of Mr X once we became intimate. I am sorry about all of it.

Malfoy

P.S. What are you doing?

P.P.S. How were the Yorkshire puddings?

P.P.P.S. I saw the photos of yourself and Ginny on Diagonal and did wonder.

P.P.P.P.S. I miss you.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I thought you didn't want to talk because it was draining your energy?

 

Tuesday 27th December 2016

Draco,

You wanted to talk, if you still want to talk then this is how we're going to do it. For now. Is that alright? Things are still awkward with everyone who knew about you (we're putting on a good front for the kids but yesterday Ron made me 36 cups of tea in 8 hours and Hermione is starting every sentence with either an apology or a grimace), and every time I see you I get mixed up. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense but I think it might be the only way I'm going to make sense of it all.

Harry

P.S. Turns out missing you is more draining than talking about what an idiot you are.

 

Thursday 29th December 2016

Harry,

Very well. May I suggest that if we are to return to corresponding in this manner that we avoid meeting off the page? It might lessen confusion on both sides. Emma and Ginny are both willing to coordinate the children's social activities.

Malfoy

 

Saturday 31st December 2016

Dear Mr X,

Happy New Year. Everyone's standing around saying things like "2016, eh?". How's your night?

Harry

P.S. Would you have told me if I hadn't worked it out for myself?

 

Saturday 31st December 2016

Dear Harry,

Happy New Year. My evening has consisted of watching Pansy and Greg disappear into a guest bedroom within 15 minutes of arriving at the Manor, drinking heavily with Blaise (who has asked me to inform you that you are an arsehole and he loves you, "he'll know what it means"), and pretending not to notice that Scorpius, Daisy, Gretel, and Martin have crept up to the roof to watch the fireworks. Here's hoping that the cushioning charms my father installed will hold up for the new generation, as I am far from capable of replenishing them.

Draco

Mr X Draco

P.S. I was trying to tell you, unfortunately you appeared to be more enamored with nibbling my earlobes than listening to tales of my dastardly deceptions.

 

Saturday 31st December 2016

Dear Mr X, (we talked about this)

Tell Blaise that he is the arsehole (and I owe him a beer). How are you able to use words like "replenishing" and "enamored" yet unable to cast a simple cushioning charm? Do you need me to come over? It would be a shame if the Parkinsons, Malfoys, and Goyles were all to lose their heirs in one go. Or are you actually fine to cast spells and just momentarily helpless at the memory of me kissing you?

Harry

P.S. What did you want to happen when you started the whole Mr X thing? Did you think we'd end up together? Or were you just looking to shit-stir?

 

Saturday 31st December 2016

Dear Harry,

Blaise really is quite insistent that you confirm that you also love him.

Rather than finish the year with a lie, I will sign off as Draco tonight and returned to Mr X tomorrow. I hope that this is acceptable, if you wish to maintain the fiction of a third party we can resume owling in the New Year.

To answer your question: my original hope was that you would accept the money for the school and possibly embarrass yourself a little. Within our first few letters the desire to humiliate you was replaced with an urgent need to maintain my position as your confidant, a role I confess I often imagined myself holding before we both joined Hogwarts. By the time Oliver's name began popping up in your letters I was already lost.

Draco

P.S. We did agree that we would avoid seeing each other until things were resolved between us.

P.P.S. If your kisses were enough to render me helpless our reunion after Daisy's kidnap should have placed me in a catatonic state.

 

Saturday 31st December 2016

Draco,

You Fuck Can we How about I What Fuck it

I'm coming over.

Tell Blaise I love him, put the kids either to bed or in a soundproof room, and have the peacock repellent spray on standby.

Harry

P.S. I was lost as well.

Chapter Text

Sunday 1st January 2017

Darling Draco,

Is the coast clear? Are you ready for our brunch or is Harry Potter still chained to your bed?

love love love

Pans

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

For Slytherin's Sake Pansy, a far less conniving creature than I would think that you are actually rooting for The Prophet to blackmail me into an early grave. Save your spurious accusations about the contents of my bed for face-to-face interactions, rather than entrusting them to an owl so elderly that it attempted to deliver your letter to Scorpius, two of the marble pillars in the entry way, and the refrigerator before (finally) placing it in my hands.

To answer your question: the coast is not so much clear as rather crowded by one fluffy-haired Gryffindor, but I have no doubt that as soon as he wakes he will be making a swift exit. Give me half an hour?

Begrudging love,

Draco

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Harry Pot Star!

What time are you coming to collect the kids? Luna wants to start the anniversary ritual at 2.36pm as this is "the moment when we first aligned". By which she means that after 12 years together, 5 house moves, 3 kids, 2 wormeries, and 1 incident of me hexing her best mate while in a labour induced rage, my wife still wants to do kinky sex magic with me while you drag James, Al, Lil, and your own sorry arse around Zonkos all afternoon!

love

Gin Gin

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Gin,

Congrats on all the impending filthy sex and being the most obnoxious person in the world. I just woke up (thanks to your owl thinking that the only correct way to deliver a letter is into one of the recipient's orifices) and want to take Draco out for breakfast so it'll probably be 1 by the time I get there. That alright?

Cheers!

Harry

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Oh my little Dragon, are things really that dire? When Greg and I left Potter looked like he would have to be surgically detached from your arm. The fact that he doesn't deserve you is established but last night was the first time that the dolt looked as if he, himself, was aware of that fact. Are you sure you don't need me to come over and hex him for you?

love love love and armed to the teeth,

Pans

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Dear Benevolent Harpy,

Thank you for at least asking me before you hexed my boyfriend partner lover boyfriend ex-boyfriend boyfriend Harry into oblivion but please, stand down. Yes, Harry was very affectionate, however I doubt that this particular whim will survive exposure to daylight and I have braced myself accordingly. I can now hear him moving around overhead and have ordered the elves to brew tea, come over in 20 minutes and bring a distraction with you?

Your Little Dragon

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Whoop! Not so much Harry Pot Star as Harry Porn Star? eh? eh? Christ I can't remember the last time I slept. Just one cup of coffee and the suggestion of Luna's in a transparent shift and I'm as high as a kite. All that and finding out that my favourite spunk supplier has finally stopped pining and started poking? The world is just a mass of rainbows today. Here's to 2017!

See you at 1!

Ginny

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Fucking hell, are you sure that you should be cavorting around in a field with Luna and not heavily sedated in a dark room? Do you remember that posh bistro near Borough Market that Draco was going on about? Thought I might owl for a reservation. We didn't really get much talking done last night and he was looking a bit twitchy when he crept out of bed this morning. Probably thinks I'm only round for a shag, a kip, and a walk of shame.

Lovingly yours,

The Spunk Supplier

P.S. Sod the ritual, use this afternoon to get some sleep, you adorable wanker!

 

Sunday 1st January 2017

Fairly sure it was The Goblin's Bunion. I'll get some sleep if you stop faffing around with reservations and go and drool all over Draco! Seriously we all miss him, glad you made up.

Gin

Chapter Text

Monday 2nd January 2017

Darling Pansy,

I am sorry. So very sorry. I am awash with regret. I am a shipwrecked sailor in a sea of regret. Although I do believe that your window shattering scream was a slight overreaction.

In all honestly I had no idea that Harry would do anything other than mumble and then fumble for the door. Indeed, I almost prompted him to do just that with my frosty greeting when he first came downstairs. The fact that he did wish to stay, did wish to talk, did wish to spend the morning with me was a complete surprise. None of this is an excuse, just an attempt to explain why I allowed myself to become distracted from owling you a warning.

Forgive me? Have lunch with me? I have so much to tell you.

Love,

Draco

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Draco,

While I personally believe that the sight of you in the buff is enough to calm savage beasts and stop marauding armies, a little does go a long way (as I'm sure Potter can attest!) and I believe that I will have to decline your lunch invitation. In fact, I appear to have already reached my quota of Malfoy arse for 2017 so, for my sake, do consider having something written into the wards to bar visitors the next time you become "distracted".

I am, however and of course, agog to known how you went from anemically wilting over your impending rejection by Potter to frolicking with the man in the space of what my Tempus Charm tells me was 16 and a half minutes.

Love,

Pansy

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Pansy,

Please. Reign in the hyperbole before we both sink under the weight of it. I was fully clothed, merely slightly rumpled when you tumbled through the Floo and my regret was over our missed New Years Day brunch (a break in a 18 year tradition, can it really have been so long?), rather than whatever psychological scarring you may have accrued by seeing me with the top button of my shirt undone.

Allow me to degog (ungog? remove the gog?) you and offer a brief rundown of my transformation from noble acceptance to bewildered delight. Harry and I had little chance to speak beyond exchanging greeting and certain logisitics when he Floo'd over on New Years Eve. Therefore when I owl'd you the next day I assumed that little had changed between us, that allowing him to spend the night was a tactical misstep on my part, and that he would wake hungover and regretful.

I was mistaken. He found me in the study as I was finishing up my owl to you. Kissed me. Told me he loved me. I kissed him back. Told him he needed to brush his teeth. Told him I loved him too. Truth be told it was both one of the happiest moments of my life and utterly nauseating. All we required was a slew of bumble-bee themed tapestries and a luminous novelty bong for it to have been a complete recreation of the Hufflepuff common room.

A few more kisses, some half-formed plans for brunch, and then you made your entrance.

Love,

Draco

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

"Slightly rumpled" my arse! Or, more specifically, your arse.

Tell me that you've at least made the pair of you an appointment with that Mind Healer Millie is always pushing on us? I love you Draco but you are far too Slytherin to enjoy life as a Hufflepuff for long.

Love,

Pans

P.S. Bring him over for dinner? Next week?

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Alright Harry,

It's been around 40 hours since you popped out "to do a thing". Guess you're not coming back?

Ron

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Fuck.

Sorry mate, guess you've talked to Ginny? I meant to owl you, it's just been a bit hectic. Someone keeps filling the boys toilet cisterns full of shampoo and we had a note delivered to the office today, saying that it's a protest by an anonymous group known as Fnck the Cistern (good name), who want us to replace all the toilets with bio-friendly composting loos. I was all set to go ahead and order a batch of them (we need new ones anyway and the Lion's Arms are getting sick of 35 kids and staff members popping in to use their toilets 5+ times a day). But one of the board members happened to be visiting at the time and is insisting on an investigation. Literally, a shit show.

Draco and I made up. Or we're in the process of making up. The short version is that I went over to the Manor and we had a long chat and we're going to give it another go. Long version is that we're going to see a Mind Healer that Millicent Bulstrode recommended who sounds both terrifying and possibly a serial killer? (they've asked us to each bring "a precious token" to the first meeting, what does that mean?? can I bring you???)

Sorry again about the party, you still up for the Puddles vs. Canons match this weekend? My boyfriend is the kind of flash wanker who'll insist on box seats without us having to play the Golden Trio card.

Harry

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

You're going to see Veggie Reggie? They're the Healer Hermione and I saw after Rose was born, the one who suggested that I should stop eating meat for 6 months because I was "sublimating my fears of paternal inadequacy into the fetishisation of herbivore flesh". Which, to be fair, worked and they're a genius but also the person who robbed me of half a year of mum's Sunday dinners.

Still up for the match although Hermione's threatening to wear that Puddlemere hoodie you got her for Christmas so maybe we should steer clear of the more high profile seats?

Ron

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Brilliant, I'm going to make sure that Draco gets us seats right behind the goal and get Hermione to lead us in a rousing chorus of Glory glory Puddlemere! Meet you at the stadium?

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Dick. I'm going to owl Veggie Reggie and tell them to ask you about that time Professor Sprout caught you wanking in the broom shed.

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

I was cleaning the brooms, RON. Some of us took pride in caring for our Quidditch equipment, rather than following your lead of just flinging it into the shed and lumbering off to shake the pubes out of your duvet before failing to tempt Hermione up to the dormitories.

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Harry,

I've received a rather odd owl from Ron, suggesting I ask you about what happened in the broom shed after our 8th year Slytherin vs. Gryffindor match? Let me know about dinner tonight.

Draco

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Draco,

7pm alright with you? Thought I might cook, can't wait to see you.

Harry

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Potter, what happened in the shed?

 

Monday 2nd January 2017

Nothing. Do you like artichokes? Also I've fallen out with Ron and we're not actually friends any more so there's no need for you to read any more of his owls.

Harry xxx

Chapter Text

Tuesday 3rd January 2017

Draco,

Me and my "luscious chest hair" are missing you. Are you free for dinner tonight? Or a late lunch? I'll be done by 6.30pm and can nip by your office with some of those posh Pret sandwiches if you're still tied up with admin.

Cheers,

Harry

 

Tuesday 3rd January 2017

Potter,

I must confess myself unfamiliar with this seduction technique. Presumably it is a Muggle tradition?

Your Draco

 

Tuesday 3rd January 2017

My Draco (you delightful sap),

Seduction technique?

Your Harry

 

Tuesday 3rd January 2017

You appear to wish to spend yet another night in my bed (tell me, do you intend to use your own front door key at all during 2017? Aren't you running out of clothes?) and so have invited me to dinner. The invitation was accompanied by heartless mockery of things I shared in intimately whispered adoration, an unusual tactic which leaves me truly panting for more. Please, what else do I have to look forward to? Will dinner be served in a used ashtray? Will your friends pop over to laugh and point as I undress?

Draco

 

Tuesday 3rd January 2017

Right. Actually it's a technique from the Harry Potter School for Seduction. The syllabus comes with a guarantee of never getting a shag and eventually dying alone. Can I sign you up for a course?

I love your whispered adoration, it's a very pleasant change. Especially after years of being mocked over my hair and I'm glad that at least some of it pleases you. Honestly. And I seem to remember that you weren't the only one of us riding a post-coital endorphin rush so feel free to take the piss out of whatever nonsense I was spouting. Not that any of it was nonsense because less that 4 hours after leaving your bed I find that I meant every word of it and would very much like to return to said bed.

There's also the option that instead of mocking each other we acknowledge and accept both our own and each others intimacy issues and do our best to crack on with being disgustingly in love? Your choice, I'm good either way.

Always Your Harry

P.S. Yes, I've run out of clothes. Can I still come over?

 

Tuesday 3rd January 2017

After much soul-searching I have decided to accept your suggestions re. being disgustingly in love and running out of clothes. I won't be home until 7pm so please do let yourself in, the wards have been configured.

Always and forever, your Draco