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Dear Enemy

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Friday 19th August 2016

Dear Mr Potter,

Thank you for your ongoing updates.

I have given Nadine's misaligned magic a lot of thought. The whimsical nature you describe and her interest in dance and spoken word performance suggest that she would be well suited to the ongoing collaboration between various Muggle film industries and the Magical world. Their work has lead to the development of Conjured Glittering Illusions (CGI) which, with further instruction, matches both Nadine's Magical and Muggle skillsets. I do not personally have any connections to recommend you but there is a branch of the Magical-Muggle Intercommunication and Learnings Foundation (MILF) who may be able to assist in finding Nadine work experience and, potentially, a mentor.

I look forward to your next update and to hearing your thoughts on the news that Oliver Wood is involved in negotiations with Puddlemere management.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Dear Marjorie,

Mr Malfoy has been informed that Harry Potter's School for Squibs may be making inquires re. work experience for a student. The student in question is a Squib, first name Nadine, second name not currently known, and Mr Malfoy wishes to be updated on her progress. If you could arrange that we would be very grateful.

All the best,

Zacharias Smith

Office Manager
Malfoy & Associates

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Zach

Please remind Mr Malfoy that his work with MILF is strictly limited to political lobbying and legal advice. He is not required to involved himself in individual cases, especially as it's due to his prior interference that we no longer work with Squibs.

I will not be taking time out of my busy day to update Mr Malfoy, especially as these updates would involved flouting the MILF bylaws that he personally insisted upon.

Marjorie Craymore

Head of Cultural Outreach
Youth Division
Magical-Muggle Intercommunication and Learnings Foundation

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Marjorie,

I know that Mr Malfoy was ultimately responsible for the MILF's decision to stop working with Squibs.

And I know that you know that Mr Malfoy was strong armed into that by certain not-to-be-named high profile supporters who were happy to be seen publicly endorsing Magical-Muggle unity but who privately did not wish their MILF donations to be used to help Squibs.

And you know that I know that you know that Mr Malfoy did the best he could at the time to minimize the impact of those bylaws without losing MILFs funding.

And I know that you know that I know that you know that Mr Malfoy has been trying to finding alternative sources of funding for the last 5 years so that MILF can go back to working with Squibs.

We know all these things about each other but the one thing I don't know right now is if you are going to work with Mr Malfoy to support this Squib student, or if you are going to stay up on your Tall Centaur, acting like you've never had to make a compromise in order to keep the Foundation running.

Yours,

Zacharias (never "Zach") Smith

 

Friday 19th August 2016

Zach

I've instructed my staff to reroute all requests from the School for Squibs via my desk and I will inform Mr Malfoy when/if this mysterious Nadine appears.

On an unrelated note: if you ever speak to me like that again I will Floo over to my mother's house, climb into the attic, sift through 40+ years of junk and precious memories, unearth my Hogwarts textbooks, finding the hex my best friend Denise and I spent all of 6th year developing, return to the office and use said hex to turn your testicles into dental floss for my favourite Crup.

Yours,

Marjorie

 

Saturday 20th August 2016

Dear Mr Potter,

It occurs to me that you may be reluctant to contact MILF due to their policy of non-cooperation with Squibs. While this policy is, unfortunately, still in place I have been told that certain parties are lobbying for more Ministry support of the foundation which will in turn mean that they are no longer reliant on funding from anti-Squib factions. There are a lot of pro-Squib witches and wizards working at MILF and I am confident that they will be delighted to work with Nadine.

Yours sincerely,

Mr X

P.S. It does appear that the rumours about Mr Wood rejoining Puddlemere are about to be confirmed. The Pertinacious Puddles Newsletter says that they've agreed to all his terms and the only thing to be decided on is the actual transfer date. What are your thoughts on this development?

 

Saturday 20th August 2016

Harreeeeeeeeee!

Just caught the word from Angelina that Oliver Oh-You-So-Wood is coming back to Puddlemere! Are you all aflutter? Is your heart racing as little pink hearts dribble out of your eyes and you carve HP 4 OW 4EVA IDST onto your desk?

Gin

 

Saturday 20th August 2016

Hermighty,

Oliver Wood is coming back to Puddlemere! Have you told Ron about your covert Puddle status yet? Because now might be the time, with Wood back the Puddles actually have a chance at the cup and I'm not sure Ron will be feeling especially forgiving if they trash the Cannons and then his own wife admits that she owns not one but two Puddlemere berets.

Gin Gin xxxx

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Mr Potter,

You appear to have forgotten this week's update or to reply to any of my owls.

Mr X

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Hi Ron,

What's going on with Harry and Hermione?

I owled both of them yesterday to celebrate Oliver Wood coming back to Puddlemere and neither of them has replied. I want to believe that Harry's silence is due to a surge in Wood-related hormones and he's currently catatonic or laying siege to the Puddlemere United changing rooms but that doesn't account for Hermione. Considering the last time she left an owl unanswered she was performing memory modification charms on her own parents and preparing to spend a year in a tent with the two gassiest teenage boys ever to pollute the halls of Hogwarts I'm getting a bit worried.

Ginny x

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Hi Gin,

1. Harry and I were not that bad at school and Hermione enjoyed camping with us. Apart from the whole constantly being stalked by death thing. She told me so herself, multiple times, and the reason she spent so much time outside the tent was because she was keeping watch and loves the great outdoors.

2. Hermione owled me on Thursday night to say that something had come up at the school and she'd be staying over the weekend. Didn't give any more information than that and said they'd be out of touch but they'll be fine. Honestly.

3. Why were you owling Hermione about Puddlemere? She hates Quidditch and if she didn't she'd be a Cannon like the rest of us right-thinking people who don't let VICE tell us which team to support.

Ron

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Yeah sorry I was actually owling her about which brand of tampons she prefers.

Gin

P.S. I was a Harpy for years before VICE did that special issue. Dick.

 

Sunday 21st August 2016

Well as a ridiculous man who has no idea how pregnancy works and definitely doesn't have a wife or a sister or a mother who spend 90% of their time together talking about periods I definitely believe that you (a pregnant lady) had an urgent question for Hermione (another pregnant lady) about tampons.

Ron

P.S. This is all sarcasm and if VICE had done that issue on the Cannons you'd be in head-to-toe orange and threatening to name your next kid Chudley.