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Dear Enemy

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Saturday 30th July 2016

Good Morning Harry,

Nadine has expressed an interest in seeing my laboratory and James would like you to take him to Diagon Alley for the launch of the new Mockingjay Broom. I will drop him off and collect Nadine at 3pm if that suits you?

Yours with love and wonder,



Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Luna,

Excellent plan, both the laboratory and the broom. Can I just check that Nadine will be there to see your experiments in baking, rather than the Snarklesnurf Dimension research? Not that I don’t appreciate and revere the pioneering work you’ve done in that field; its just that Nadine has a very active imagination and, for now, we’re hoping to keep her focused on this plane of existence.

Thanks for coming yesterday, always lovely to see you. The Cautious Coconut Cockroaches were delightful and we've just captured the last one. It was hiding in Mr Sprout’s watering can. I told that kids that the person who captured it got to eat it and now a fierce debate is raging over whether the first person so see it or touch it is the true victor.

Brian tells me that you’ve commissioned a new sculpture from him? His Apparition Skidmark series was slightly more confrontational than many of the board members are used to - I overheard one of them suggesting he make something "less graphic" for the next exhibition - it will be interesting to see how he interprets your brief of "togetherness, harmony, exploration and raisins".




Saturday 30th July 2016


I'm taking James to look at brooms today, want to come along?



Saturday 30th July 2016

Would love to but I'm tied up writing the report re. you hexing Malfoy. You know he's threatening to sue the Auror Division? Claims we encouraged Slytherin scapegoating by arresting Goyle for lurking outside Hermione's window last week. I'd laugh but I'm too busy shaking my head over Goyle's ongoing commitment to that chin shrub of his - swear it's tripled in size. You think he's using that Magi-grown fertilizer of Neville's on it?



Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Headmistress Granger,

Please see enclosed report re. incident at Harry Potter's School for Squibs on 29th of this month.


  • Aurors Weasley and Bloom responded to a request for support from the School for Squibs secretary at aprox. 1.25 pm.
  • The secretary, Mr Harry Potter, was found to be exchanging hexes with Mr Draco Malfoy, having already placed Mr Gregory Goyle in a Full Body-Bind.
  • Mr Goyle received a warning for trespassing on school property on 21st of this month, see previous report.
  • On the 29th Mr Potter believed Mr Goyle was making another attempt to trespass.
  • Mr Potter subsequently placed Mr Goyle in a Full Body-Bind
  • Mr Goyle claimed he was attending the school's summer exhibition as Mr Malfoy's +1.
  • Mr Malfoy objected to the cursing of Mr Goyle + exchanged hexes with Mr Potter.
  • Aurors Weasley and Bloom separated Mr Malfoy + Mr Potter, confirmed the invitation was authentic + freed Mr Goyle.
  • Investigation is now closed with no charges pending.

If you wish to make any additions or amendments to this report please write them in whipped cream on whatever part of your body is the most easily accessible and submit it to Auror Weasley by the 31st of this month. 


Auror Weasley,
Auror Division
Ministry of Magic


Saturday 30th July 2016

Mate, I'm really sorry about the hexing and suing. Have brought you a year's supply of broom polish and a subscription to Quirkily Quidditch to make up for it.

Malfoy is such a tit. If him and Goyle had simply explained why they were there, instead of skulking around the lawn like fucking skulkers I wouldn't have had to hex either of them. No idea how Malfoy got an invitation, or why he'd think bringing Goyle back to the scene of the crime is a good idea. Or why Goyle brought the Roll Over, Kitty album (really didn't peg him as an Afropunk fan).

After you and Bloom left Malfoy spent the rest of the day smarming around the garden. Did you know him and Luna are still mates? Something about that reunification training they went through together after the war. She also said something about him keeping her alive when she was a prisoner at Malfoy Manor but I didn't hear the end of it because fucking Malfoy started talking to Alicia about Terry Pratchett and she got so excited she knocked over Luna's tray of Lavashiously Liqourice Lice and they went everywhere. Gretel ended up climbing onto Goyle's shoulders to get away from one and then insisting he carry her around for the rest of the day. It was actually a bit sweet - she pulled apart her daisy crown and wove it into his beard - but the whole thing was so fucking weird.

Sorry again about the paperwork.




Saturday 30th July 2016

Dastardly Draco,

What on earth were you thinking taking Greg back to that place?!? He ended up in a Full Body-Bind and one of the brats made him promise to take the whole school to his family farm next week. You know how protective he is of his privacy and now, because he's too much of an idiot to refuse anyone anything - yesterday's farce being a case in point - he's going to have 12 screaming, snotting, hooligans swarming all over his house.

Yours in a huff,



Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Pans,

You act as if I forced Goyle to accompany me but he heard that Blaise was unavailable and he offered, Pans, he wanted to come. Apparently while he was lurking in Granger's flower bed (picture me shuddering at that sentence) he took the time to enjoy the school gardens and wanted a closer look at the greenhouses. In fact, after the initial hexing, I barely saw him he was so busy chatting up the gardener and letting some young vixen named Gretel boss him around. You'd like Gretel, as it goes, she reminds me of 2nd year Pansy Parkinson...

If you're going to go full-Banshee on anyone let it be Potter. The idiot hexed Goyle on sight and would have done the same for me if I hadn't been quick enough with my Shield charms. It was almost like old days, swapping curses with Potter and sending children scurrying in terror. All it needed was an evil megalomaniac holding my family hostage and we could have been back at Hogwarts.

Thankfully the Weasel bumbled over before Potter decided to level the entire school in protest at my presence. Their faces when they realised my invitation was authentic is a memory that will keep me warm in my old age. Potter stomped off, looking like he was about to swallow his own head, and Granger was surprisingly gracious. She gave me a quick tour of the school and even asked after Scorpius and Martin.

Speaking of which, I think I might sign them up for the school's summer classes. They're organising a series of Muggle-themed days out for children from magical families, Squib or otherwise. I could put Daisy's name down as well, if you like? It will probably bore all three of them senseless but you'll get some more time to yourself and, I say this with love, you haven't been quite your ravishing self recently. Let Emma take you to one of those Muggle mud places you like so much and I will keep an eye on Daisy.

Yours schemingly,



Saturday 30th July 2016

My Dear Draco,

Time to myself would be rather nice. Greg mentioned I was looking a little out of sorts when he dropped around for tea with Daisy and I last week. Of course it was Greg so he didn't actually say I looked unwell. He just repeatedly asked if I was alright until I caved and admitted to having a slight headache. Had he been Theo I would have been treated to an hour long monologue on all the ways in which he, Theo, was suffering far more than I would ever know and maybe a few cutting remarks about my weight, lifestyle, etc.

Instead Greg took Daisy outside to play in the garden, giving me a few hours of blissful solitude. If he ever leaves that farm to do anything other than visit the two of us he will make some lucky witch or wizard a very nice husband one day. Do you think one of those gardeners he was flirting with would be interested?

Love love love,


P.S. I will speak to Theo about the summer classes for Daisy. Wish me luck, she does adore your boys, almost as much as her mother adores their double-dealing Daddy.


Saturday 30th July 2016

Dear Auror Weasley,

Thank you for your prompt assistance on Friday afternoon and the truly excellent report.

Yours sincerely,

Hermione Granger
Harry Potter's School for Squibs

P.S. We've run out of whipped cream so I've substituted Marmite.


Saturday 30th July 2016

I fought a troll for you. At least pretend to consider melted chocolate.