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Five times Chloe Caught Lucifer and Dan Making Out in Inapropriate Places Then Got frustrated by It, and One time She Understood

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  1. Her Living Room

She was coming home late from a case. One absolutely gruesome murder that she had to solve without the help of Lucifer because he was off on some goddamn grand quest or something (at least according to Maze when she went by Lux.)

“Just great. Disappearing in the middle of a case. I told him I’m going to pick him up later and he said yes!”

Maze just inclined her head to the side. “You know, as fun as it was seeing him running around doing deeds for you, Lucifer isn’t exactly bound to your petty will, detective.”

She sighed. “I know. He’s just a consultant and everything. But this case was particularly gruesome and might involve someone from socialite circle. His expertise would make everything easier.”

A smirked blossomed on Maze’s lips. “Well, you’re in luck. I happen to go to the same circle as Lucifer.” She moved as if to grabbed her leather jacket. “If you don’t mind my company, that is.”

She didn’t. And their adventure proved to be more entertaining than she’d like to admit. No need for sexuality crisis in the middle of a case.

So, all that she needed was just some alone time, since Trixie’s off to her grandmother place for once (she prayed to any existing god out there to please, please protect her from her grandmother’s bad influence), and maybe, just maybe she could have a relaxing hot bath with a scented candles—

"Oh my God, Lucifer!"

Who was she kidding, of course she can’t. Lucifer and Dan was sitting on her couch—no, more like Lucifer sitting on a couch and Dan was sitting on top of Lucifer, making out and grinding his hips enthusiastically against the other’s crotch. His ex-husband tried to scrambled immediately after hearing her voice, letting out distressed voice when Lucifer held him on instead. “Lucifer, please, Chloe’s—“

"Oh hello, detective. Lovely to see you." He held on for one more selfish minutes, then gave a peck to Dan's lips for one last time. Dan seemed to melt to his touch. She had to admit, grudgingly, were so disgustingly cute. But it was still her couch.

"Get a room, you two!"

Lucifer had the nerve to smile innocently instead, while sneaking his arm around Dan’s shoulder, the other’s nervous and definitely won’t look at Chloe’s eyes. "But we are in a room. We just got bored waiting around for you, and thank My Father, the little-you not here." He shrugged. “It’ll just be wasted not to use it for a good snogging session.”

Chloe let out a frustrated sound. God, give her strength against him. "So you decided it was a good time to make out on my couch? In my living room? And how do you get in? My spare keys—"

“—unfortunately still on  me after Trixie’s last visit.” Dan looked up sheepishly.

“You two are such—“

"Come, now, relax. Couches are the best place for a make out session, detective. Don't you know it? Especially someone else’s couches."

"Based on what?" She was pretty sure she'll get heart attack soon enough, dealing with this man-child.

When Lucifer lifted up a Cosmopolitan magazine he got from god knows where, opening it right on the ‘best places to make out’ pages, Chloe felt the telltale of headache that always formed around Lucifer.

“Seriously? Aren’t you guys suppose to, I don’t know, hate each other?”

“Detective.” Lucifer gave her a (definitely fake) shocked look. “I thought you want us to get along.”

“Yeah, sure. But not like this!”

Lucifer leaned back against the couch, getting comfortable to not-cuddling with Dan’s twitchy figure, which starting to relax from the soft touches on his arms. “Jealous?”

“No! More like scandalised!” Feeling faint, she chose to sit down on the lone seat next to them. “Are you both just here to torture me or you actually have something important to tell?”

When Lucifer opened his mouth Chloe stopped him. “Beside your new dating history with my ex husband.”

Dan bit his lips, which was something he usually did when he panicked. She was the only one who knew this though. “We’re not dating. Just, ah,” in truth, Chloe could see Dan himself looked a little bit confused and lost about what answer to give to her. “Sex friends?”

“The best sex friends.” Lucifer grinned, leaning forward for a (may not be quick) kiss.

Dan seemed to caught himself in time and pushed his not-boyfriend away. Just a little. “Look, Chloe, I’m sorry for, um, this. But Lucifer have something interesting to tell.”

“Ah, yes.” A serious look was on Lucifer’s face immediately. “You see, my criminal mother escape and she might try to kill me whilst I try to capture her. Any tips on how to track people best and not dying in the process?”

“What.”

She needed a fucking drink for this.

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  1. Her Office

“Chloe, just a heads up. Lucifer and Dan went straight to your office just now. They said you have something important about a case?” Edward, the new admin to LAPD, infomed her. She dreaded what she would see when she got into the office. Hopefully not—

Too late.

“LUCIFER! Not again!” she immediately closed the door, hoping that no one would see the scene.

Dan was leaning back against the window, with Lucifer leaning down on him, practically shoving his tongue down Dan’s throat. He groaned, and Lucifer’s hand moved lower and lower to get inside Dan’s pants.

“Shut it, you two!” she threw the nearest object near her, which happened to be a very heavy text book of some sort, which landed exactly at the centre of Lucifer’s back. “Ow! Hey, rude!”

He looked like he was about to yell at whoever threw the book, but stopped dead when she saw her, arms crossed in front of her chest while giving him the most intense glare she could ever muster. “Detective! I didn’t see you there.”

“Yeah, maybe because you’re too busy kissing Dan to oblivion and beyond?” his ex husband though, his face were red to the tips of his ears. Oh this was good. Dan never got this embarrassed. Last was when he first asked Chloe to marry him and it was a long time ago. Lucifer just nodded in understanding (bastard. No apology?)

“If you’re here to just to blind me with your affection, congratulation, you succeeded.” She made a move as if she can’t see. “Aaaaah my eyes. Such scene. Too sexy.”

Dan looked not amused while Lucifer laughed. “Unfortunately, no. We have some progress about ‘The Case’ as it is.” That was what they refer to the case about Lucifer’s mother, who ironically enough was named Lilith. The first sinner in the bible. Chloe wondered if Lucifer’s family just a bunch of rich, religiously crazy bunch. She shudder to think what the family gathering was like.

“But Dan was just so sexy, looking all serious and in charge while reading the case file and making plans and such. My libido just can’t help it.” He said it so casually as if it wasn’t a big deal, kissing the top of Dan’s head like it was something normal, but if she was honest, she never saw Lucifer getting affectionate like this with anyone. Sure, he was charming, maybe he would say he was the type that won’t be tied down, free-love-for-everyone kind of guy.

With Dan, it was...different. Sort of.

She knew she was getting lost in her head for quite a while, because both of them looked like they were going to start making out, again, so she dragged them both to sit in the chairs in front of her.

“More talking, less snogging.”

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  1. In a Crime Scene

One minute Lucifer and her was examining a dead body, and next, he was missing. She frowned. “Where’s Lucifer?” She asked the nearest forensic guy.

“Dunno.” He shrugged. Or, as well as anyone could shrugged while holding a dead body. “I think he went that way.”

She followed the way, and beginning to have a bad feeling about it when he saw one of Lucifer’s cuff links on the floor near a series of abandoned large, wooden boxes.

Fearing the worst, she took a glimpse of the area near the emergency exit and of course Lucifer was with Dan. She was wondering where he was, when he won’t pick up his cellphone. Not like Dan to be late to a crime scene. Now look and behold. Lucifer apparently had turned Dan into a sex fiend (like himself). They were kissing, and rubbing their cocks together, Dan spitting on his palm to ease the way of him stroking with a fast pace. They were still in full clothes, she guessed that was something to be thankful about.

But this was crime scene. Something to consider about their future collaboration if both of them going to do The Do every time they see a dead body.

She spent the next half an hour trying to redirect anyone who was trying to pass the emergency exit to the main entrance. Which was, not an entirely easy thing to do when she refused to give them any clear answer. Thankfully, she was the only detective on this case (except Dan, which was currently oh so busy with his hand down Lucifer’s pants), so she just flashed her badge and they went on their merry way.

“Oh that’s not good, is it? Now, this is a new shirt, detective.” She heard he nickname, but the way Lucifer said it to Dan was different. It sounded so fond and amused and Chloe just hope they would stop soon because she was pretty sure a lot of people was coming this way to examine this area of crime scene. “What are you going to do about it? Take responsibility, Dan.

The other let out a small laugh. “Later, okay?" She heard them kissing for a while, soft and tender and finally it’s over. And they clean themselves up, Lucifer buttoning his suit jacket to hide the stain.

When Dan finally emerged, still trying to fix his mussed hair, while Lucifer, trailing behind him like a satisfied puppy, looked not one inch out of place, she blocked their way out. “You both owe me so much.” She punched Dan’s shoulder and he winced. Great, he deserved it. “So, so much.

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  1. Dan’s Kitchen

When Dan suggested family gathering, involving Lucifer, Chloe should know something would definitely going straight to the no-no town.

The dinner itself went more or less smoothly, with Lucifer and Dan giving moony eyes to each others that Chloe wanted to gag. Her mother, surprisingly did keep her behaviour in check and not humiliating her for once. The addition of Amenadiel, Lucifer’s awkward, but actually pretty nice brother, Mazikeen (she was an awesome story teller, Chloe found out. But she kept flirting with Chloe throughout dinner, which make things a bit embarrassing when Chloe uncharacteristically blushed instead of bluntly rejecting her advances), and doctor Linda Martin, was pretty tricky to handle.

Trying to kept them from insulting each other (mostly Amenadiel and Lucifer), making out with each other (Lucifer and Dan), and stabbing each other with salad fork (her mother and Maze, which definitely ended up with bloodbath in Decker family side) was tiring.

Amenadiel was helping her and Trixie cleared up the table. Her mother, Linda, and Maze went out earlier, stating women’s business, and then head straight to the bar nearest from their house. She firmly said she expected her mother in one piece come morning to Maze.

“No promises.” She smirked, before sauntering away in her sexy leather pants which hugged all the right places in the nice way.

She got there first, to the kitchen in Dan’s house, a little bit smaller than her house, but a nice kitchen nonetheless. It was that time she saw something she would wish to erase forever.

Dan was sitting on the kitchen table, pants-less, bare ass presented to the world (what the—she just cooked in that kitchen table a while ago, how dare he—granted it was his kitchen table, but place to prepare food  ≠ sex activity), while Lucifer, oh god please don’t

And sure, there between Dan’s spread legs, she could see dark mop of hair, Lucifer’s head bobbing excitedly, the sound of him sucking Dan’s dick along with Dan’s moan, was loud.

“Goddamit!”

The brother’s face went sour, and man, Chloe would definitely laugh with Lucifer if this any other time but Jesus Christ, why did she hang around with Lucifer’s family again? “Please, do not use the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Amenadiel, now’s not really the time to—“

“Mommy? Why are we stopping?”

“Trixie, don’t look!” she shooed her child, her innocent, innocent child away from the horrors in front of her. Behind her she could hear the sound of Dan yelping, trying to get off from the table.

When she finished putting Trixie in front of the TV, distracting her with her favourite cartoon that fortunately still aired late at night, she went back to the kitchen at the worst moment. Dan biting her arms trying to contain his voice from screaming Lucifer’s name (but some slipped out anyway. She would never hear Lucifer’s name came out from that mouth the same again), head thrown back, clearly climaxing right into Lucifer’s throat. While Amenadiel, that brother Chloe thought would at least do something about this—this thing, was calmly eating the last of the fruit salad from the bowl, before moving to the sink to wash it.

She cursed.

What. Is. My. Life.

Amongst the cursing, she could see Dan dragging Lucifer up, and kissed him soundly, smiling in between kisses and eyes going soft like he used to do earlier in their marriage. She looked away.

It felt too intimate.

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  1. In Lux’s Bar Table

She knew she came into Lux too early in the morning, Lucifer’s probably still in his bed, snoring into oblivion. And that snoring activity might be shared with Dan, and she really didn’t wanna know about it. But she got leads for ‘The Case’ and it was the hot-and-gone type of leads, so she had to cut their kissy-face time short for it.

At this time, she wasn’t even surprised anymore when she found them fucking the living daylight out of each others in the Lux’s bar table. What she didn’t expect, was Dan actually bottoming. For Lucifer.

Huh.

She was a grown up woman. Sex was not a foreign things to her, but seeing her ex husbands, the one usually fucked her into the mattress (even if she was the dominant one in their relationship, everyone knew that), and now he was the one being pounded hard and fast, holding on his dear life to the bar table, moaning shamelessly while Lucifer slammed his hips repeatedly to Dan’s backside (and what a lovely backside it was). Dan was held straight up by Lucifer, as she could see how the muscle on his thighs spasm from the strain of keeping himself up.

This scene was definitely familiar. She had walked in on Lucifer having sex a couple of times before, but that guy usually kept his distances. He never whisper sweet nothings into his partner’s ears like he did to Dan. She seen him doing this, slapping someone’s ass repeatedly until they were red, a hand print on it like a brand that it was his, but he never tenderly caressed it as if in reverence. Apology.

She never seen him peppered kisses throughout anyone’s neck and shoulder blades after a particularly hard thrust. Or any kiss, really. She was pretty sure Lucifer usually preferred sexual act instead of something just like kissing. He likes kissing, but not too much. And now look at him. He couldn’t go more than a couple of thrust without planting a kiss on Dan’s lips, trying to draw whines and whimper out of Dan’s luscious lips and smiled, happy smile, not his usual knowing smirk, when he succeeded.

She felt like she was intruding on something so sacred and private. Somehow she was also sure that Lucifer won’t like it if he found out she has been staring intently at her ex husband, his lover, for the past fifteen minutes. She just had a gut feeling. Turning away might be the best decision.

Fuck, she was turned on, don’t get her wrong. It’ll be easy to saunter back in and took Lucifer’s old offer of having threesome with Dan—yeah, no. Lucifer was hot, but she didn’t like him that way (thank god. Since everyone around her seemed determined to do that).

On her way out, her hand was caught and dragged by the bartender of Lux herself.

“Maze—“

She put her index finger on Chloe’s lips. They were laying in the middle of Lucifer’s huge bed, which fortunately looked clean and unused. “Ssssh. Just lie back, and relax.”

.......dammit.

Let just say the morning after was so awkward she wished the ground would swallowed her and her shame up.

She could see Dan wished the same.

Lucifer and Maze? They just calmly strode around the bar, drinking their morning coffee, amused, basked in the misery of both Chloe and Dan.

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+1 In a Hospital

They...managed to defeat Lucifer’s mother. Defeat. Not arrest, not kill. Because truthful to his words, Lucifer’s mother was in fact, the First Sinner who had becomes the most powerful demon of Hell.

She cannot believe she had actually kissed the Ruler of Hell. She cannot believe said Ruler of Hell currently kissing his ex husband’s lips, whose body lying battered and bruised after shielding both Lucifer and herself from a blow from Lilith’s tail. And Jesus Christ what a big tail she had.

Amenadiel immediately tried to heal him with his angelic (she will never get used to think about him and apparently Lucifer too, as an angel) power, but wounds from hell can only be healed with demonic energy from The Devil himself or maybe God (he won’t be any help, she bet, from the way Lucifer told the story of his father), but Lucifer was weak. He was injured during his fight scene with Lilith, and spent large amount of energy enough to just send her back to her cage. “Luci, no, you’ll die!”

“Brother, he needs me!”

“But your life—“

“My life, isn’t more important than his life.” Chloe was surprised by how much intensity was in that sentence. How Lucifer, who in the past would just brushed up Dan’s life as a casualty of human (or inhuman) cruelty (even if he would still be mad), now willing to give up his life for someone other than her. Honestly she didn’t even know why he was willing to sacrifice so much for her in the first place. Lucifer was difficult man (no, not a man, a Being) to understand.

Now, as they all stood around motionless around Dan’s almost-lifeless body, cradled in the arms of his lover, The Devil himself, she was at lost at what to do. She was only human. What to do—

Suddenly a voice rang in her head.

My child. Help your brother.

“What...?”

My fairest angel. Unleash your power.

“I’m a what?”

But she could feel her whole body slowly changed and ooooh shit she wasn’t human.

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The truth was, it worked well for everyone, her being not-human and actually turned out to be half-angel and Lucifer’s and Amenadiel’s half-sister, which make the kiss they shared kind of gross.

Whatever her inner voice said, Lucifer was not Luke Skywalker and she was not Princess Leia.

She passed out for a while after that, energy drained, and when she woke up she was lying on a hospital bed, right next to Dan’s bed. Lucifer was lying beside Dan, cocking his head to the side and thinking, as if realising something. And he pressed his forehead to Dan’s, moving to the side to kiss it, to kiss his nose, and his lips, slowly and softly as not to wake up sleeping princess (or prince, this was starting to sound like a fairy tale that her mother loved to tell. Wait, does that mean my mother is like the modern version of mother Mary? Was some weird thought that passed Chloe’s thought).

“You just realise it, did you?”

Lucifer looked up to her voice, and he smiled differently at her, like he was seeing her, the real her, for the first time. “I did, yeah.” He caressed Dan’s hair slowly and lovingly, just like a lover’s caress. And Chloe remember one word she heard somewhere that The Devil was really the best lover in the world. She had felt that was bullshit. But now she wasn’t so sure. “It’s weird now that I know you’re my sister.” He smirked. “I mean we kissed—“

“Lucifer! Just, don’t.

Lucifer looked like he wanted to tease her more, but they both heard a small groaned and oh look who was waking up. “Lucifer...?”

“Good morning, princess.” He kissed Dan again. “Had a nice dream about me?”

But Dan jerked, and he winced when he pulled on his stitches. Her power, not yet unleashed to the full potential, only able to heal the major wound and sucked out Lilith’s venom, which meant another trip to the hospital. “How about—“

“Banished to the underworld. No need to worry about her coming to our wedding and such. You can relax.”

Dan stammered around the mention of wedding, but with Lucifer’s next kiss, careful and yet desperate and full of his feelings (who knew The Devil actually had feelings huh) and Dan melted, like what he usually did. Now he was the one who held Lucifer, who balanced him, and from the way they looked at each other, Chloe was convinced they knew about what each other wanted to convey without words from their lips.

For now, she just wanted to stay on this bed, resting. She wondered what happened to a certain dark haired, beautiful demon...

Perhaps that certain demon ought to have a visit from certain newly risen angel.

Oh yes she certainly will do that visit.