03/15/2014 3:05 PM
Subject: Hollis Building Repair Request
Hello Mr. Lewis,
I am writing you to report that the garage exit on the Green Street side of the Hollis Building is malfunctioning.
It appears to be a simple matter of a gear having come off track, but I was strongly discouraged by the parking attendant from attempting to fix the issue myself.
Thank you for your attention to this matter,
03/16/2014 11:42 AM
Subject: RE: Hollis Building Repair Request
Greetings polite dude.
I regret to inform you that you and seven other people that apparently park in the Hollis Building and use the Green Street exit have reached the wrong dlewis.
I am a mere science intern in London, and am thus unable to respond to your repair request. (And I actually kind of want to, since you were soooooo nice. Seriously, your co-workers were all assholes. Dishonor on their families. Dishonor on their cows.)
However, I have taken the liberty of forwarding your request to the right dlouis and he sounds like he’s gonna get it done. Leave it to Stark to actually find a maintenance man that does maintenance.
If you know of one of those in London, help a girl out. (So not kidding. I’ve got this old floor radiator heating system in my apartment and radiators aren’t radiating, if you know what I mean. Obviously, I don’t know what I mean, but building maintenance does. Not. Give. A. Shit.)
Anyway, in the future:
firstname.lastname@example.org = super awesome science intern freezing her ass off in London.
email@example.com = head of garage maintenance at the Hollis Building in New York City who seems like a nice guy.
Have a nice night. Or day. Time change and what not.
03/21/2014 5:58 PM
The garage door got fixed. Last week actually, the day after I got your reply. Every time I drive out of the garage I think of you and my poorly behaved co-workers.
I can’t help wondering if your maintenance man came through?
If not, I actually do have some experience with old radiators. Even European ones.
Thanks for being so understanding about the mix up.
03/21/2014 6:17 PM
Subject: RE: Warm?
Today I woke up in a ball of blankets. A literal ball of blankets, like nine blankets and the rug. I’m not ashamed. Do you know where I was before this? New Mexico. Nice, hot, desert heaven New Mexico.
And when I woke up? I was still cold. This is complete bullshit. I even tried bribing those assholes! I sent them cookies! The nice kind in the gold packages that everybody gives at Christmas!
Did they fix anything? No. Did they say thank you? No. Did they even look up from their television at the lobby security desk when I stomped away from the broken elevator to take the stairs up to my icy lair on the fifteenth floor? NO.
NO, GRANT, THEY DID NOT.
If you have any tips for getting this chunk of metal working, I am all ears and one functioning hand. I totally burnt the shit out of myself trying to huddle over a Glade candle for warmth. It was not very warm, but it did smell like cinnamon rolls. So I was cold, injured and craving baked goods like a mofo.
Take pity on me and SAVE ME. Seriously, if you help me get this radiator going, you will be my personal hero.
I’d try to express the proper excitement for your whole garage door thing, but I’m typing with hands frozen into raptor claws right now.
Ice Raptor Darcy Out
03/21/2014 7:37 PM
Subject: RE: RE: Warm?
I’m actually not that good at typing. You’re probably better with your ice raptor hands. So I tried to attach some instructions I wrote by hand and scanned.
The not good at typing thing is actually a not good at technology thing, so I hope it worked. None of this really makes sense to me.
03/21/2014 7:41 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Warm?
Dude. There’s nothing there.
Tell me the truth. Are you fucking with me? Seriously, you need to tell me now. And stop. Not cool, man. Not cool. No way you’re working for Stark and you don’t know how to attach something.
Unless you’re like my boss. She’s surprisingly clueless about some basic life skills. I’m only giving you the benefit of the doubt because of how nice you seemed in your first email.
Seriously not amused,
03/21/2014 7:58 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Warm?
I promise I’m not pulling one over on you. I really am clueless about technology, and being around Stark products doesn’t help. I got stuck in an elevator in the Tynham building because the doors shut before I realized there were no buttons. It took twenty minutes before someone else got on. (To operate the elevator in the Tynham building you put your finger on the panel next to the door and brush it upwards to go up, and downwards to go down. Leave your finger touching the panel until you reach your desired floor. Just in case you ever end up in New York.)
I tried to attach the scans again. I’m sorry.
03/22/2014 10:38 AM
Dude. You are my hero. I’m not even kidding, Grant who can’t even scan things without getting his hand in the image.
There is no way for me to be exaggerating my thanks, it’s even colder outside tonight. WTF, London? Seriously, never again. The chipper weather people are saying this cold snap is breaking records, reaching lows that haven’t been seen for seventy years.
Like 1943 or some shit.
And now here I am, all toasty warm and snuggling with only one blanket while I partake of the heaven that is Netflix and slather my hand in burn paste in my heat controlled apartment. All thanks to you.
What department are you in? I’m sending you a thank-you basket.
Eternal gratitude and adoration,
03/22/2014 6:24 PM
Subject: RE: Warm
I didn’t realize Britain was experiencing such a weather anomaly. I had actually heard about that ’43 cold snap before. It was pretty horrible, so I’m really glad that my suggestions worked. People died. It’s actually really dangerous to be by yourself when it’s that cold, so if your radiator breaks again, maybe try to go a friend’s house? I don’t mean to be overbearing, but it’s actually really common for people to freeze to death in their sleep. You just fall asleep, and then don’t wake up.
No need for a gift basket, I’m just glad it worked. I’m going to go now, this actually took me a really long time to type. More of the low tech stuff, I’m afraid. I’m not used to typing. One of my co-workers complains that it’s painful to watch me ‘hunt and peck’.
03/24/2014 11:44 AM
Subject: You’re in the directory
Dude. It’s not that hard to find you. Grant Eyesman, Archival Modernization Department, Hollis Building. Your thank-you is on its way across the pond.
I thought it was super weird that Tony Stark would let anything in his company sit around long enough to need modernization, but then I clicked on your department and saw that you’re the only one in it. Are you working in some forgotten basement with stuff Stark’s dad worked on?
I don’t actually have any friends in London. I came here with my boss, but she is currently out of the country. My job is pretty much hoarding all of her research and work so no one swoops in and tries to steal it while waiting for her to come back and the pay checks to start back up again. Thus the shitty apartment with the shitty maintenance guys. (On that note, I hope you like your thank-you basket okay. I couldn’t really spend a lot of money, thank the gods that the London SI office let me internal the box to you because overseas shipping is crazy expensive.)
So really, man. Thanks for signing off as my friend, I’m past the point of being embarrassed to admit that I really, really need one.