The group of them sat along a table, drinks clutched in their hands; sharing and laughing at stupid stories of their lives before they knew each other. Each tale was more wildly improbable than the next, yet all were strangely believable considering the company Oraris kept.
Krem was regaling the group with a tale about one of The Chargers’ jobs. Oraris was sure that he made half of them up and told him as much.
Dorian and Oraris were sequestered, perched on the corner of the table, making witty interjections every so often. Varric and Sera were laughing uproariously at something Krem said while Bull just nodded along, confirming his wild tale.
When everyone’s laughter and voices died down, Sera left the table and returned with a new round of drinks. After placing them in front of their corresponding drinkers she plopped down next to Krem, across from the Inquisitor, and stared at her and Bull leaning into each other’s space.
“So…” Sera began, her voice sounded like she was following a line as she spoke. Snorting giggles broke her speech before she went deadpan and asked, “If ya fisted ‘er would she die?”
Everyone around the table choked on whatever they had been drinking or eating. Oraris’ eyes watered from the sting of the wine that made its way into her nose.
“What?” She giggled louder, “I know you lot are wonderin’ too!”
Oraris’ head dropped down to the table and Bull began to laugh.
“What the fuck, Sera,” Oraris said in an aggressively soft whisper.
“Oh, on that note. If you are what you eat does that make Bull the Inquisitor?” Dorian quipped. Everyone around the table groaned loudly.
“I wonder what that makes The Inquisitor,” Varric snorted into his glass.
Oraris tilted her head back, stared at the ceiling, and let out a high pitched whine that morphed into a barking laugh.
“Probably something rude and not for mixed company,” Krem interjected before taking a swig from his bottle of wine.
“That’s for sure,” Oraris winked at Bull.
“Please, that’s too much information already, Inquisitor,” Krem groaned, half-heartedly covering his ears.
Bull smiled mischievously and leaned in towards his Kadan, searching for a kiss. He found one in her matching smile. The kiss started out as a light peck that morphed into a deep, showy kiss intended to gross out their friends. The crew around them made retching noises and let out a chorus of “c’mon,” and “gross.”
“It’s a bit like watching yer parents kiss, right?” Sera said and scrunched her nose up.
Both lovers pulled away from each other and beamed smugly at their friends.
“Could be worse, you could’ve walked in on us like that poor serving girl…” Oraris mused, leaning her weight into Bull’s side, arm coming to rest on his thigh.
“Don’t forget about your entire advisory team,” Bull added, his arm circling the back of her body.
“Ah, yes. Would rather like to forget that.”
“Who can? Half of Skyhold was in a tizzy about that particular incident,” Dorian sassed.
“Who wouldn’t be? The Inquisitor being found in the throes of passion with her Qunari lover? Twice in one day? Juicy and scandalous.” Varric’s voice sounded as if he was about to start pitching an idea for a new serial.
“Now that’d be a tagline for a romance novella,” Krem supplied.
“As much as I love my current sex life, I’d prefer not share it with you lot.” Oraris took a swig of her fresh glass of wine, helpfully supplied by Varric.
The conversation fell to a lull as everyone’s chuckles tapered off.
“I seem to have a tendency to get walked in on, truth be told. Though I have to admit that that incident was nowhere near the level of the first time it happened.”
“There’s an exciting story lurking in there somewhere, Boss.”
“At the same time that I’m curious, I’m not sure I want to know,” Krem warily interjected.
“Go’n, I bet it’ll ‘ave us piddlin’ our pants,” Sera ordered through her intoxicating giggles. Oraris looked around the table and everyone gave a little nod, agreeing with Sera.
“Okay so. When I was a teenager my ex and I liked to sneak around – exploring really - and mess with random shems we would find near-ish to our camp site, right? So one morning we grab ourselves a little sack of elfroot, a basket of nibbles, and we set out early. Like just after sunrise early. We’d heard about this little ‘ruin’ from one of our friends who was a hunter. She knew of our little excursions. She told us it was tucked back a ways behind a line of shrubs and it seemed like the perfect little place for an adventurous quickie.”
“Elfroot?” Sera interjects in a questioning tone.
“I’ll get to that in a bit.”
“I’m glad some things never change, eh, Boss.” Bull gave her a squeeze and a knowing smile, she rolled her eyes and continued.
“Anyway, so we get up to this ‘ruin,’ a term I use loosely. It’s in a little meadow type clearing, yeah? It’s all romantic and shit – soft sunlight, birds chirping, may bells and foxglove as far as the eye can see…” She pauses, “Well, at least into the next tree-line. So, turns out, the ruin is an ‘old’ ‘hunting cottage,’ a title I also use incredibly loosely. The thing was easily the size of one of those Orlesian chateaus out in The Emerald Graves, but it was all decorated with taxidermy animals and fur rugs and various other spoils of hunting. The only thing that made it look even remotely like a ruin was that the walls had been taken over by ivy and other plants...”
“Mihna! Mihna! Over here!” A young Oraris frantically motioned with her hand. The two lovers had broken into what they were told was an ‘abandoned’ ‘ruin.’ Both of those terms were clearly not applicable, that and Feynna had lied. Possibly just to see what would happen as Mihna and Oraris had a penchant for finding trouble.
“More lecherous correspondence?” Mihna asked excitedly and she sidled up next to her girlfriend and sucked a kiss behind her ear. “We can add it to our pile of inspiration material.”
“Better,” Oraris said as she stepped aside to show Mihna the contents of the bedroom storage trunk she had opened.
“Oh, blessed Sylaise,” Mihna breathed out and excitedly reached in, grabbing an enormous leather dildo out of the closet, laughing hysterically. “Look at this thing! Its huge!”
“That could be fun, not sure if it would be manageable now though.”
“Hmmm,” Mihna hummed while she rummaged through the stockpile of sex toys, “Oh! What about this?”
“What is that?” Oraris asked, reaching for the item currently held aloft by her girlfriend.
“I’ve heard it’s this harness thing that a person lacking a penis can wear and, essentially, you can fuck someone with.”
Oraris moved the straps, trying to figure out how one would get it on, growing increasingly confused until it somehow righted itself. While she was figuring out the harness, Mihna slipped an assortment of articles from the trunk and into their pack.
“It looks clean, we should use it.” Mihna said, backing Oraris up towards the bed as she placed the half smoked pipe of elfroot between her girlfriend’s lips. Oraris took a large drag on it and smiled; Mihna lifted Oraris’ shirt over her head. Their lips came together and softly slid against each other, parting slightly as they dropped their clothes to the ground.
“Who should be the one to wear it?”
“Hmm, I think you should. I want you to fuck me.” Mihna said as she licked Oraris’ collarbone.
Oraris stepped into the harness and wiggled it up over her bare hips. She took a step forward and walked Mihna until her thighs hit the edge of the master bed.
“How should I fuck you, my dear?” Oraris purred into her ear, “Flat on your back? Legs hiked up over my shoulders? Or, bent over the bed, ass presented to me?”
“Definitely bent over the bed.”
“We don’t need that level of detail, I’d thank you!” Dorian interrupted.
“No! Go ‘n! It was just getting’ juicy!” Sera encouraged.
“Okay, okay. So you’re telling us that you fucked your ex-girlfriend on the master bed of a chateau - that was supposed to be a ruin - with a harnessed fake penis - found in a closet after stealing another, larger fake penis from these people,” Krem stated.
“And other various illicit items, yes,” Oraris quickly interjected.
“Of course she did, she’s the Inquisitor. She wouldn’t settle for less,” Varric joked.
“Oh, but of course,” Oraris beamed, “So, after we get going and its getting real good, we hear the clack of heels on the tile between the hall rug and the room and then a scream.”
“Oh no. I see where this is going,” Bull laughed.
“Well, the destination was stated from the start.” Oraris quirked her eyebrow at Bull and took a long drink of her wine, “It’s a very stately looking lady, because of course it is. She screams and screams, ‘there are lesbian ELVES having sex in our bed!’ We start howling with laughter, and yell ‘elves!!!!’ at the top of our lungs and bolt out of the bed and room, leaving all of our stuff behind.”
Sera’s cackles set off a wave of laughter through everyone else.
“We’re booking it through the house, right? Looking for a place to hide and just get out and we manage to find our way into his son, Cyril’s, room and he is having a right laugh about this whole situation. Both Mihna and I are standing there arms out like, ‘fucking help us why are you laughing,’ buck ass nude while he just laughs and laughs and laughs. Finally, he calms down and tells us that he’ll help us escape because ‘it’d be a crime if his parents had us executed for this shit show.’”
“Executed?” Dorian questioned, taken aback by that bit of information. “What authority do they have to execute you?”
“Well, see, it turns out. It’s Duke de Montfort’s place. An Orlesian noble who owns a hidden house in the middle of the ass end of nowhere in the Free Marches, who’d’ve guessed. So Cyril ushers us out his window which, conveniently, has a trellis under it. So we climb down and out of the grounds. While we are climbing down Andre sticks his head out of the window and says, ‘we should do this again some time, you’re both very charming. I’ll have your stuff waiting.’ And fucking winks at us all the while were climbing down this trellis in literally nothing, SAVE the goddamn harness I’m wearing, which was thunking the trellis all the way down.”
“Oh Maker!” Varric’s wine sloshed out of the glass with the force of his laughter, “How do you get into these situations?!”
“Wait, why’d ya know fancy-face’s son’s name?” Sera questioned when everyone’s laughter died down.
“Well, we went back the next day, after having to sneak into camp in our state, to retrieve our stuff. Wound up having sex with him, all three of us together. We became close friends, to say the least, well… he and I did.”
“What is your life,” Dorian’s voice wasn’t so much questioning as stating in disbelief.
“Honestly, most of the time I don’t even know. I just kinda roll with it.”
“That’s my Kadan!” Bull says proudly.
“I still feel the chill on my arse from waiting around until nightfall…”
“Could warm it up for you,” Bull mumbled into her ear.
“Please. Stop, you two. We just wanted to have a fun night drinking and telling stories,” Krem bemoaned, “Watching you canoodle was definitely not on the list.”
“Krem, you will probably be watching us canoodle for the rest of our lives. It’s what we do,” Bull informed. Oraris looked up at Bull’s face, completely besotted with the man next to her.
Krem closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Maker, help me,” he said as he brought his bottle of wine to his mouth - missing entirely and pouring it down his nose. He jumped and moved his head forward to keep it from trickling down into his armor.
“And I think that’s the cue to call it a night,” Varric declared.
“Nooooooo,” Oraris whined, “We’ll behave!”
“No, we won’t.”
“I hate to say it, my dear, but it has gotten rather late. Beauty sleep and all that, not that I truly need it,” Dorian added and everyone made noises of agreement.
“Fiiiine,” Oraris huffed, “Spoilsports.”
The couple remained at the table, finishing their drinks, as their friends said goodnight and made their way back to their quarters. They followed soon after, excited to curl up in bed together.