“Oh look, it's the young Padawan prodigy Ben Solo. Is he really a prodigy, I mean we’ve never actually had a lesson with him. Maybe he’s embarrassing to Master Skywalker, and that's why we’ve never had one. What do you think guys?” The young Padawan asked his friends, sneering at Ben. Ben stood frozen, contemplating on whether to punch him in the face or ignore him completely. His uncle, Master Skywalker would want him to turn away but what would his parents want him to do? The thought made him scoff, they dropped him off with Luke at the first sign that showed he was force sensitive. He saw them when they came to deliver news but that was rarely, plus Leia sent letters but he rarely read them.
He opened his mouth to reply but another interjected. “Or maybe, he just doesn't want us to taint Ben with incompetence. We have yet to meditate in peace without you jabbering every five seconds.” I turned to see a girl with h/l h/c standing with her arms crossed. I didn't know any of the boys names, though I think the girls name was Y/N. Master Skywalker had mentioned once or twice her clairvoyant abilities, he said she was unusually sensitive to the force like I was. He also mentioned how she stood up for me when the other Padawan’s talked about me. She was intriguing to say the least.
“Ben, it's okay. I understand the pull you feel, I feel it too, we all do. Look at me and think about all the good things in your life. Don't fight the light, don't fight me”, Y/N said in a calm voice. I clutched her hand, intertwining one of our hands, the other wrapped in the strands of her hair. She whimpered as my grip tightened but didn't pull away. For a split second I could see the light glowing around her, strands pulsing out and grazing me. I looked down and could see the little tendrils of darkness overtaking the light. It was only a matter of time before I gave in, and my precious angel would fly away or die.
I watched in rapture as she took off her training clothes, her skin glowing in the candle light. Her muscles tensed as she bent down to pick up her clothes and fold them before turning to me smiling shyly. She crawled onto the bed and rested her head on my bare chest, sighing as she heard my heart beat race. I encompassed her in my arms, both of us shivering as our skin brushed.
I winced as his lightsaber cut my arm, before resting at my throat. “You need to focus Ben, I can feel your thoughts are not here.” I nodded before taking my stance again, but Master Skywalker shook his head. “Go do whatever it is you need to, I have other things to tend to.” I nodded and bowed before exiting the training room, and went to the room shared with Y/N. I sat on the bed and looked at the cut on my arm, before going to the bathroom to wash up.
I pull off my training clothes and wince as the clothes pulled on the wounds all over my body. My training with Lord Supreme Ruler combined with my lack of attention with Master Skywalker was putting my body through hell. Of course I could go to the droid meds to bet fixed up but I feel like I deserve this pain. This pain is only a taste of what I will feel when I do my final Knight/Sith test, and only a fraction of the pain I'll feel when Y/N finds out that I've given into the dark.
I put my helmet on and take a deep breath as I flicked off my lightsaber. I had done what I had to do, what I was compelled to do. I walked over the bodies and felt the tears run down my face, the pain starting to come forward. Then I felt her presence, her light hovering on the edge of the room. “How could you do this Ben? They were our friends, your friends!” she exclaimed sobbing.
“You could join me Y/N, there is nothing for you here. I can feel the darkness, just let it in, let me in.”
She stopped sobbing,” No, I have to go and warn them, I have to tell your parents. I should've stopped you when I saw the vision.”
I tensed, my back still turned. “I can't stop you, even if I wanted to. My love for you is the only thing making it impossible to kill you.”
I heard her inhale sharply before she left, the light leaving and allowing me to drown in the darkness.
You showed me heaven, you rang up bells
I played with matches, it hurt like hell
Asleep and wake, you're all I see
I can't escape you, can't set you free
I miss your full moon rising, catching a breath in silence
Can't stop this bleeding, can't stop believing
I remember the way she looked when she just woke up. Her hair a mess, drool on her cheek, nevertheless she was still beautiful to me. I remember our first ‘fight’, we were being very careful about being around each other other then in the safety of our room. During a practice fight with another Padawan which I won, he began making degrading comments about Y/N. At this point in our training it was unusual for us to let our emotions reign.
I had only just begun letting my emotions combine with the force, my love, lust and general happiness for Y/N made this possible. I was choking him with the force when Y/N walked in and stopped me. She made the Padawan swear to secrecy and was mad at me for days after. In one session she managed to singe my hair and both of my hands. She felt bad after and we made up.
I miss her at times, miss the sound of her breathing when we cuddled together. I miss the way she would tiredly stumble through the door, clumsily undressing and falling asleep like a light on my chest. I miss her bandaging my wounds after practice and missions, now I do it myself in the suffocating silence. Sometimes I don't even bother, knowing I willingly let the darkness in, I chose my fate and I welcomed the pain. If I only could stop loving her, the only reminder of the light and how it called to me at times. Kylo Ren deserved the darkness for killing Ben Solo.