Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way shook her ebony black hair with purple streaks and blue tips (the reason for her name) and squinted at the bee with her heavily made up eyes. With the amount of make up she wore, it was a wonder she could see the bee normally, let alone squinting as she was. Her lashes were false and had come to resemble spider legs, and covered in layer after layer of Hot Topic’s own mascara and dark purple eyeshadow that contrasted greatly with her pale skin.
"An' what are you s'posed to be?" She demanded, though the bee had said nothing.
"My name's Barry. I'm a bee." The bee told her, leaning against a plant pot. He looked like he was attempting seduction, however he was a bee. Bees cannot look seductive, only reminiscent of it. He smoothed back his antennae and winked. "And who are you.”
Ebosny flushed, a pink dusting across her snow white features. "Hi my name is Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebooooony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth(in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots."
Barry looked her over, indeed that was what she was wearing. "Cool, so, you wanna come for a walk in these woods with me?" He asked, gesturing to the forbidden forest just outside the window of the room they were in. As he gestured he made sure to flex his muscles. His non-existent muscles. As he was a bee.
Ebaeny nodded and swayed her body, sticking her chest out (it was supposed to be subtle; it was not at all subtle). And the two made their way out of the room and out of the building. The ground was crisp with frost underfoot. Under Ebobony's feet, since Barry was flying, because he is a bee. A bunch of preps stared at them, mainly EeBbOoNnYy, because, as Barry is a bee, he was not very visible from where they stood. Ebojny put her middle finger up at them because her edgy yet kawaii nature dictated she did so to advance the plot! They found that rather rude, and decided not to warn her against going into the forbidden forest.
She took her first step into the forest in her heeled and very impractical combat boots and was immediately surrounded by darkness. Her fractured and impure soul felt at peace. She smiled.
Barry caught her eye and raised his brows suggestively. "So, you like it here."
"O.M.F.G YAAAAS." Ebomby yelled. Barry did not find this strange. As he was a bee, and not familiar with the way normal people acted. "It's sooo goffic, XD ~ xoxo!" She said the last part out loud as six separate letters, and Barry was perplexed, as he was a bee, and didn't understand emojis, or goth culture, or anything really.
They journeyed deeper and deeper into the forest, and Barry's bee fur raised in alarm. "There's something following us." He whispered. xX_<3Ebony<3_Xx did not hear him, because he was a bee, and bee whispers are very quiet. "There's something following us." He repeated, slightly louder. Eboomy turned to him, as she was a vampire, she could hear very quiet things. Not things as quiet as a bee whisper, obviously, but very quiet things.
They reached a clearing and suddenly were surrounded by a choir of singing children
You're walking in the woods
There's no one around and your phone is dead
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him:
They sang with eerie voices, high pitched and echoing even in the open space. Ebany didn't seem bothered, but Barry immediately hid in her ebony hair (which, again, was how she got her name).
He's following you, about 30 feet back
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
He's gaining on you
Barry looked behind them, and sure enough, a crazy eyed man with a scraggly beard was following them. "Run,Eponee!" He screamed into her ear. Edony ignored him, sticking her middle finger up into her hair and poking him with it. Fucking prep.
You're looking for you car but you're all turned around
He's almost upon you now
and you can see there's blood on his face
My God, there's blood everywhere!
There was indeed blood everywhere. Ebooooooooooooooooooooooooooooony felt even more at peace. The man was almost upon them now, and Barry quaked with fear, tangling his little body in Ebooby's hair. For he was a bee, and bees have little bodies.
Running for you life (from Shia LaBeouf)
He's brandishing a knife (It's Shia LaBeouf)
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf
All of a sudden a large man wearing only a jockstrap swung in from the tree tops, yodeling (he then crashed into a tree, but everybody ignored that) and intercepted the man chasing them, who was presumably Shia LaBounce. Barry could not be sure of this, because, of course, he was a bee, and so has understandably limited experience with jockstraps and male human celebrities.
“Don’t worry, John Cena is here to save you.” He yelled. The moment he said his name the choir of children burst into some kind of theme song.
At this moment, Ebondage turned swiftly towards the commotion behind her. Her icy blue eyes (like limpid tears) widened and she gasped dramatically. Barry peered out and his icy blue eyes also widened. His eyes focussed on the tight, muscular ass of John Cena. John Cena hit Shia with the force of a billion oranges. His fist hit the other man in the face with a loud crack that moistened Ebobnoblobbee’s thong. He then RKOed him out of absolutely nowhere. He literally disappeared and reappeared just to RKO him. Eilybbyxoxo gasped and held a hand to her chest as she watched the mostly naked wrestler (because she was a bee, she knew who he was) smashed the cannibal (because though we did not get to that part of the song, that was what Shia was) into the ground.
Once Shia was well and truly (probably) dead, Jogn Cena turned towards Edickoby and took his cap off, shaking out his extremely short but luscious hair. Edobby was starstruck, pupils wide as dinner plates, dribble slipping down her chin and sparkling because she was a vampire.
“John Cena -” He paused to let the choir perform his theme song. “Is always here to help.” At this moment Barry freed himself completely from Ebuinibby’s hair and flew into the air in front of John cEna, hands on hips. Not that he had hips, being a bee and all.
“Exzzzcuse me.” He yelled loudly in a loud voice loudly at a high volume. “What do you think you’re doing trying to seduzzze my lady?”
John Cena took one look at him and screamed a shrill, manly scream. The kind of scream only manly, manly men produce. Manly enough to shatter eardrums like real manly men who cause people hurting. He ran away, flailing like Itch or Tony whenever there’s fluff. Ebo9ee shrugged and turned around to continue walking, ignoring the body on the ground behind her and the practically naked John Cena running the fuck away, buttocks gleaming, his footsteps causing fierce rupturing and undulation in the floor below.
They journeyed deeper into the forest, trees getting progressively more twisted and phallic shaped as they went along. The ground began to become progressively more moist and sticky.
“If this is fuckin’ cum im gonna dieee.” Ebouncy whined in a shrill whine reminiscent of an anime schoolgirl. Barry winked at her without saying anything. Whining turned him on because he was a bee and bee turn ons are very different to human turn ons - and hey, some humans are definitely turned on by whining.
Suddenly they found themselves in a swamp. A swamp with a very phalllic shaped hut in the center. Barry pulled Eboner by her long black hair towards the door. Despite being a bee, he was very strong. He had the strength of approximately eight hundred and fifty two oranges. Ebony weighed equal to five hundered small oranges, so Barry could very easily drag her towards the hut (this would have been v useful earlier on when facing Shia LaBeouf but he had forgotten this power at that time because he was a bee, and bees have very small memories when faced with cannibals).
“WhAT ARE YE DOIN IN MA SWAMP????” A loud, angry, voice bellowed at a high volume.
Barry gasped in surprise and hid himself in Ebobbynee’s hair, becausethat’s what bees do when they get scared, as proved by a scientific study.
“Uhhhh, this is the schools swamp what the fuckkkk?????” Epercalifragilisticexpialidociouny scoffed, swishing her hair from side to side in a menacing manner, dislodging Barry and sending him flying thru the air into the chest of a very big, very green ogre with massive anime eyes.
“S-sorry.” He stammered, wiping off the pollen that had adhered to the ogre - or trying to. Because Barry was a bee, his hands were very small and therefore not very good at getting rid of the sticky and moist pollen.
“ES ALRIGHT LADDEH’ the ogre uttered in a sensual voice that made Barry’s wings shiver with the bee equivalent of arousal. Sensual, ogre voices are also very big turn ons for bees. “ARE YE LOST?” He asked, ignoring Ebaby’s extremely rude comment, causing her to huff indignantly and toss her ebony black hair to the side, sending Barry’s now bruised bee body flying past her until he had circled the entire earth and returned to hover by her side. Fortunately, as Barry was a bee, the bruises did not show on his already half black flesh coating.
“No, we’re on a romantic walk~.” Ebonob told him. They were interrupted when the door to the very phallic shaped hut opened and a young man holding a microphone walked out and joined them.
“What’s going on, baby?” He asked into his microphone, which wasn’t connected to anything (the plug dragegd along the ground behind him). His question was clearly directed towards Shrek but E smelled fresh man meat and immediately acted as if he was talking to her.
“Gasp!!” She said, bringing both hands up to her mouth at the same time as her eyebrows travelled up her forehead. “Oh sir DX, theres is a big scary ogre trying to kill me!!~xoxoxo!!1”
The man looked at her quizzically. “We’re strangers to love.” He told her. “I was talking to Shrek, he knows the rules, and so do I.” All of a sudden however, he all of a sudden has an urge that cause d a fierce emotions in his body. He has to volumise his speeching. and so he released his next few words in the form of an unholy screech that made Barry's bee ears ring, although not literally, as bees ears can't and don't sting.
“THES ES MA HUSBAND.” Shrek told them, “BARRY MANILOW.”
Barry (the bee) gasped in horror. Bees all have different names (all beginning with B), and he had never come across anyone with the same name as he.
“FAKER!” He yelled, extremely loudly, loud enough to be a human yell. “I AM BARRY.”
Barry Manilow looked sad, very sad indeed. “I wouldn’t get this from any other guy.” He sniffled, tears welling up in his hot choclety coloured eyes. “I gotta make you understand; there are MULTIPLE BARRYS in the world.”
Barry gasped in shock and horror. He fainted and fell to the ground with a thud that was only just audible, as his tiny bee body did not make much noise, as it was quite small. Ebeni all of a sudden noticed this travesty and Barry’ies body on the floor.
‘Dx like OmGz nooooo! Totally not cool!’ She screeched in an inhumanly high register, killing thousands of audially sensitive life forms in the local swamp (RIP.)
All of a sudden Dobby burst from the bushes, dressed only in a sock. A sock in a very useful place. A sock that wasn’t staying up very well. Thankfully though Dobby was a house elf and had some magical powers- enough that the sock did not fall off yet and scar everyone in the swamp for life.
“OH HALLEO THAR LADDEH.” Shrek bellowed. “I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YE’. He uttered in a loud volume simultaneously as he reached his pallid lime hand into the containment orifice (pocket) of his ogre uniform, producing from said orifice (still a pocket) a small box that was also a wrapped box, wrapped up with wrapping paper with tiny little penises decorating the shining material. Dobby gasped in excited surprise and scuttled forwards, sock waving dangerously, to receive his gift. He tore off the wrapping paper that was used to wrap the present and opened the box. He threw the lid backwards and it knocked the only just recovering Barry clean out of the air, because he was a bee and bees are notoriously small (almost as small as itch and just slightly smaller than tony). He squealed in delight at a frequency only dogs can hear.
“Master has given Dobby a cock ring!” He crowed in delight, tiny arms and hands extending over his head like he was praising the sweet lord jesus. Ebonbony turned away in a fit of disgust as the house elf placed the article that is in fact a ring for your cock into his smol penis. As Rihanna would have said, Shrek liked it; so he put a ring on it. As she turned back around though she could hear something in the distance. Something loud that she hadn’t heard before in her short life. It sounded like musical instruments, but why were there any out here? It should just be her, Barry, Shrek, other Barry and the cockslut house elf.
All of a sudden a motherfucking mariachi band appeared. Not just a single man with his small mustache and poncho avec a sombrero, no. A whole fuck off mariachi band.
There were 5 members, all wearing name tags. Tinky Winky, the tall one with the legs that went on forever had a guitar. Beside him was Dipsy, who was barefoot and seemed to have some sort of fungal infection on the third toe from the left on his right foot, and he was holding the trumpet. The trumpet had a banner hanging it from it. EmBOOOIIIIy recognised it as the fake ISIS banner made of butt plugs and dildos rather than the Arabic alphabet. Lala was wearing some giant pink sunglasses, an accordion in her hands and her G size titties resting on the top of it. As she played her merry little tune she swayed, mouth hanging open like a confused goldfish. Po was the shortest of the lot, and the roundest. Ebonnety decided he was the one that ate all the pies. Or the enchiladas. Cold enchiladas.
There was a mystery fifth member. He was tall, dark, and handsome, with a slicked down mustache, and his sombrero was tilted so no one could see his face. Embangly wanted to see the stranger’s face, to see who this man with the guitar was. As she opened her mouth to ask if he could move the sombrero, a sound, unlike that of the sudden mariachi band came into hearing distance.
This time from the sky.
Shrek opened his mouth in shock as a small airplane came into view.
‘IS THAT THERE A DAWG IN THE PLEHN?’ He asked.
And yes it was.
Inside the small red airplane, soaring over the mariachi band and the rest of the badly put together group, was a dog.
“Bah. Hah bah bah. Hah bah bah dah gah dah.” He said as he flew, wiggling from side to side. Barry (not the human, the bee) flew up to look at the dog and his glazed over eyes.
“He’s stoned.” The bee decided after the dog’s tongue fell out the side of his mouth. The tongue kept falling, landing on Emburgtbhytghptnhy’s face.
“EW.” She shouted in disgust as the dog tongue wiggled over her makeup covered face, wiping half of it off.
“Oh god you’re ugly without your makeup.” Barry Manilow laid the most perfect smackdown and Dobby high fived him, though with his cock and not his hand. This made the house elf scream in pain and scare away the mariachi band, except the Mystery Fifth Member.
“YOU’RE SO RUDE BARRY MANILOW. GOOD THING I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOUR MUSIC BECAUSE IT’S NOT GOFFIC ENOUGH.” EbSNEHy screamed at a pitch that could only be described as too loud. (same tho). Barry Manilow didn’t like that and jumped into Shrek’s arms with a huff, making the manly orge carry him home to remove his layers. Dobby followed, because he’s a good house elf.
Barry (the bee) made an attempt to console the weeping goth by leaking some bee poison from his stinger and letting her use it as lipgloss. This was gothic enough to impress her greatly meaning she could feel happy again.
“So.” the Mystery Fifth Member said to her. “You’re alone in the woods. There’s no one around. And out of the mariachi band comes SHIA LA BEOUF. ”
She scremed. She continued screming as a dog perched on a giant flying fucking tooth descended from the heavens to tell her to stop. This just made her screm more because she didn’t understand the dog.
Eventually, everyone was just so fucking done with her screaming, and by everyone I mean Barry because he was the only one actually willing to be around her any more. Even the mariachi band left (except the mystery fifth member). Anyway, everyone was so fucking done that they whacked her round the face and punted her back to Hogwarts, where she landed in the very cold sweaty arms of none other than Waluigi himself. He screamed a very manly scream of “wAAAAAAH” when he saw her and dropped her immediately. Naturally Ebaptistny was very displeased with this situation and so she folded her arms and sulked for the rest of eternity as Waluigi scremed.
Eventually Barry the Bee found his way out of the forbidden forest and drop kicked Waluigi into silence. Ebibbitybobbityboony was very pleased at this turn of events.
“My hero!!!!!1 xoxoxo” She yelled, catapulting herself into Barry’s arms. His arms were of course too small to hold her, because he was a f UCKING BEE.
Barry grinned a beelike grin. “Oh it was nothing.”
Ebobnooby looked up into his crystal blue eyes, like limpid tears. Just like hers, she thought. She leaned up and let her eyes slip closed (which they had been wanting to do for hours because of the sheer weight of her damn makeup). Barry gasped a tiny bee gasp and flew down to be on the same level as her lips. It was finally happening, what the whole night had been leading up to.
Suddenly, the mystery fifth member of the mariachi band appeared! He was now revealed to be [TED CRUZ?]! Behind him was a possé of veloceraptors in various colours that made menacing noises.
“Omfg teh zodiac killer!!!!1” Eblongdy screamed, because she was one of the few people that knew the truth. And the truth was that the former presidential candidate was indeed the zodiac killer.
“Thats me.” Ted smiled, or grimaced, it was very difficult to tell the difference. He was standing still now, his arms were separate from the rest if his body, almost as if he had a small football under each.
To be continued...