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Just Get Close to Me

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Looking around the mass of bodies close together and moving to the beat of the thumping bass from the overbearing speakers, you don’t see who you’ve been wanting – no, desperate – to find. Your friends at your side move with the crowd and pay no mind to your stagnancy. You refuse to move along and enjoy yourself, there’s something you’ve been meaning to do. Something you need to do.

He told you he’d be here later, that there was a last minute emergency at the coffee shop and he needed to cover extra hours. But it’s been hours since you’ve arrived and he’s yet to show up. Anxiety and nervousness have been building up in your chest and your body hasn’t been treating the wait with grace. You wipe your palms on your jeans and continue to look for the familiar head of blond hair and hazel eyes.

Although the living room is as packed as any other party, the fact that it’s the house of your rich friend’s huge house accommodates a much larger crowd, and it’s more like the scene of a venue than a house. The music reached alarming volumes and it’s all anyone can hear, that and the cheers of a bunch of people your age in a dimly lit room. It’s during a change of songs when you finally find the source of your agitation.

 

Look, I am here for you
Open up your eyes and don't look away

 

You finally see him from across the room. If you weren’t so familiar with the shade of his hair or the aura of unbridled energy he emits, the kind that uses his body as an outlet and his mind as an energy source, you might have missed him. He hasn’t seen you yet and he’s fidgeting with his hands and pulling at his shirt, talking to someone. He’s asking a question the other person doesn’t know the answer to and he continues with his erratic motions.


And I'm dripping down from the fangs
When I hear your name, I feel the pain

 

You don’t know when you became so close. Maybe somewhere in between sending each other to the hospital and becoming friends you collided. You became a lifeline to him, helping him learn to handle his emotions by just being there. Late night phone calls to soothe his panicked thoughts became routine and soon it wasn’t just him the calls would soothe. Walks through deserted streets at times where only the nocturnal were awake became comforting, knowing the destinations was a second story window you would climb up with help from the rain gutters. Climbing to the window that he left unlocked just for you, you learned to become utterly silent, having mastered the act after years. There, you both lie in bed, him in your arms and head against your chest as you run your hands through tangled hair, soothing him until you both fall asleep.


And I'm crawling on the floor just thinking that
I'm a fool

 

At the time when your world revolved around old racing cartoons and a furry creature that you always held close and with care, you placed no importance on others, especially the shorter than average ball of paranoia. Joked as a substance user, you began to identify him as that, until you got closer. Then you learned the unhealthy intake of caffeine and parents that didn’t know how to handle his needs well were factors into what made him tick. Offhand comments by them sometimes were the source of his panic, and often all you wanted was to confront them. But he never lets you. His kindness surpasses his want for reassurance, and if he didn’t completely get it from them, he always got it from you.


But I wash myself and I stand again
After flying with angels, yeah

 

But it went both ways. He became your lifeline as well. He understood what it was like to have to deal with insecurities and intrusive thoughts. He was there to help through feelings of inadequacy when your dad thought you might be something he didn’t account for. That you would long for a different type of relationship than the one most people got. It lingered in the back of your mind and caused outbursts as you started maturing. But he understood. He was the same and helped you accept yourself and so did your parents once you came to peace with it.


And now I'm backing out the corner
And don't you think that I'm a runner
I be coming with my guns up
Shooting at the moon to bring the sun up

 

You were able to overcome things. Both of you were. You combined your different strengths and helped each other and stood up for each other if it came to it. It was organic and real and everything you both needed. Together you’ve learned to be capable of more than you ever thought possible.

Fall back and close your eyes
I'm at the bottom, we can hide and be forgotten

Come closer, say my name
Say it forever, we can run away together

 

Both of you grew closer and it made you better people. You’ve learned to open up more and let yourself be unafraid to feel and put yourself more out there and he learned to be more in control and at peace with his thought. Just being there for each other and helping out if needed, you’ve both become more in touch not just with each other but with yourselves and others.


I keep on crushing all my love like this
All my love like this, all your love like this, yeah
I keep on crushing all my love like this
We don't need to say the words cause we're speaking nonsense

 

In the best moments and days of your life so far he’s been there for them. From the days as kids basking in the sun on summer days and doing nothing at all to these days counting down to your proverbial adulthood. He’s been on those days of fun and utter bliss that have ben etched into your memory; he has a permanent place in your thoughts and memories.

Well, you said before
To lay down and close my eyes

 

Those late night talks in your bedrooms spent doing nothing and talking about everything remain vivid memories. You’ve peeled off layers of everything until nothing but raw emotions and thoughts are left over, comfortable enough to talk about things neither of you would want to nor think of saying to others.


When I'm here
Grabbing at my chest with a broken heart, yeah
And I'm filled with fear
Like I've been ripped up and tossed like a mouse
Wrestled with the heavens and the devil himself

 

You’re not dependent of each other, but you go together, you’re better when together. You feel invincible; something that being apart doesn’t begin to amount to. It’s an experience, a partnership and it makes you feel content and free.


Your voice can break my bones
And when you speak a force rushes in and slow
It rips me pieces, yeah

 

His whole being has been a crucial part of your life. You’ve both been there to see each other grow physically and mentally. His empathy and kindness has put you at ease so many times. His voice resonates with something within you, the various pitches – whether high or low enough to barely be heard – have made dents in your ears. You know his voice from memory, the way his eyes dart around, movements of his fingers across his hair, and the clutching at his chest have all become familiar.


I would give my life to another
Just to prove I'm not a runner
I be coming with my guns up
Shooting at the moon to bring the sun up

Interactions between you are so natural you wouldn’t know what to do in the absence of them. You would prove whatever if needed and even fight to remain in each other’s lives. Growing distant and away isn’t in the equation, it’s not an option you’d ever think of in this life.


Fall back and close your eyes
I'm at the bottom, we can hide and be forgotten

 

You don’t know when it became more. You tried to reason out of it but it didn’t need reason. It could have been any other guy, but it had to be him. It was always him. Maybe those days spent as kids getting to know each other to the nights spent climbing the side of his house to his room all led up to this. To you feeling something more than what you feel towards your closest friends or even your family. To want such a strong connection you didn’t know could be possible to be felt.


Come closer, say my name
Say it forever, we can run away together

 

There have been times where you’ve gotten close to crossing town boundaries, but you’re you. You prefer the tranquility of things that are nice and boring so you’ve always stayed. Everything you’ve needed has been here. Even as kids you never crossed that line, but it was more literal back then; it was just a silly game of hopping over the town line and you saw no point, always staying in place.


I keep on crushing all my love like this
All my love like this, all your love like this, yeah
I keep on crushing all my love like this
We don't need to say the words cause we're speaking nonsense

 

But as you all revisited that line and your friends reminisced of the game, you had looked to your side at him. His hand in yours to calm and ground him, you knew you would do it with him. You would cross that line and never look back if he wanted without hesitation. Since then the need to be closer has become more excruciating, unsure if what you feel with every fiber of your being is reciprocated.

Don't say anything at all
I'm drifting out

 

You start moving before you fully know what you’re doing. But it’s what you want and your subconscious acts on it. You don’t even bother fighting against it; this is it. Regardless of doubts that have filled your brain and kept you up at night, you make your way over. This is what you’ve wanted and have been waiting for. Everything up ‘til now had been building up and it’s bursting at the seams.


I don't wanna get pulled out

 

As if he senses you, he turns and locks eyes with you. Though it’s not uncommon. You’ve both become so close you can practically hone in when one of you is nearby, as if your atoms have learned to vibrate towards each other and your souls have coalesced.


Just get close to me, close to me

 

Your emotions have gone haywire and he’s the target. You both start moving together, towards one another. You’re magnetized to each other.


Fall back

The short walk is a pocket in the fabric of time. It takes not time at all yet it takes an eternity to reach each other. But it happens and suddenly he’s in front of you, head tilted up and looking straight at you. Large hazel eyes with dark circles meet yours. There’s an electric feeling floating around you two and suddenly you know that you both are in sync. You move to cup his cheek with one hand and grasp his waist with the other. His eyes widen slightly but he has no intention of moving. He’s so still and so sure of himself in this moment, there’s no nervous ticks. He brings one hand to clutch the forearm that’s holding the side of his face and the other clenches handful of shirt at your chest.

You don’t dare move yet, you both just look at each other and drown out the sea of additional bodies surrounding you on all sides. Your ears are pulsing and filled with the sound of your heartbeat and music in the background mixed together.


I keep on crushing all my love like this
All my love like this, all your love like this, yeah
I keep on crushing all my love like this
We don't need to say the words cause we're speaking nonsense

 

Your eyes speak words and you hold your silent conversation with each other and comprehend. He says that short string of words you’ve been meaning to tell him, lost to the music but roaring in your ears. You can feel his voice and words in your ears and it makes you feel weightless. You parrot the words and he gives you that smile. The one you would go to the ends of the universe for and you can’t begin to explain his existence, it’s not possible for someone like this to exist, to mean this much to someone. But it does and it’s the most frightfully amazing thing that makes you feel infinite.

You don’t hesitate to bring your faces together; the movement synchronized as if you’ve done this so many times that it’s become muscle memory. Lips meet in a culmination of bottled up feelings. And he gives you that smile again as you part. The smile you don’t hesitate to return to him with the most conviction you’ve ever had in your life. This time it’s just you who leans in and you close your eyes, stopping enough that your lips ghost the feeling of his. You mouth the same words again and you feel him smile against your lips before they join back together.