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Am I Enough?

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Not being good enough, it is funny how this feeling engulfs you in a never ending cyclone – twisting, pushing, pulling and twirling- until nothing is left and then spits you out like an unwanted burden. I have become too familiar with this feeling and I want this to stop before it destroys me completely.

I have decided to talk to them about my insecurities and then see what they have to input. Maybe then I will finally be on one side of the line rather than standing and balancing over it, trying to decide where I should cross-over. This talk would help me understand whether I should be with them or end this now before someone is hurt – mostly me.

I look around the floor they live but I can’t spot them, maybe they are in the gym as they can mostly be found. But before I can fully enter I hear her name – Darcy. They are discussing about her.

“Damn punk, our doll has finally grownup. Did you see how she looked in that dress?” Bucky said.

“Yes, I did. She looked so beautiful, jerk. I can’t believe that she won’t be ours anymore. I don’t want her to date.” Steve commented.

I don’t want to listen to this anymore and leave before they can spot me. I start running and tears start pouring from my eyes. My eyesight gets blurry and heart aches. I feel like I am falling but there is no one to catch me as I fall into a deep abyss. The last thought that goes in my mind before I black out is that am I enough? Certainly not.

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Waking up is always a surreal experience; you wonder who you are, where you are, which year is it. Are you even alive or in some purgatory? This time is also the same. With these thoughts in my mind I open my eyes to the world. Then as if I am zapped the memories start to hit me. I take stock of my situation- too much white, bleach like smell and hard unforgiving bed. Realization comes to me; I am in a hospital room.
Shit! What the hell happened after I fainted (stupid move, princess)? Oh yes! I remember someone a blur figure coming towards me before I lost consciousness. Who was it though? Not Steve or James, I am sure – opposite directions. As if called by my thoughts someone enters the room.
“It is time that you woke up. You scared the hell out of everyone. How are you feeling? Any pain or twinges? Thankfully you don’t have any concussion.” said Dr. Cho warmly.
“No, I feel fine, a bit disorientated but that is expected. What did you mean by everyone? Who found me?” I fired questions rapidly.
Cho laid a firm hand on my arm and replied kindly, “Calm down. By everybody I meant the Avengers, as soon as the news went out (JARVIS) they assembled outside the medical room. It was Mr. Stark that found you and brought here. You have been out for an hour due to the panic attack and exhaustion. You need to take it easy for the next few days.”
Oh no, now Tony would never leave me alone until he knows why it happened. He must have noticed the tear tracks and even have some idea as to what might be the reason. For all his ‘I hate pesky emotions’ attitude, he knows a lot about them. He is the only one who truly knows about my hang-ups regarding my relationship. I think even Clint and Natasha know but are being kind enough to not point it out. Bruce has also given me these looks that make me feel as if he knows something. I have to sort this mess before it gets out of hand.
Cho shakes me out of my reverie and asks, “Do you want me to send Rogers and Barnes in? They are quite worried about you. They have been pacing outside and being a general nuisance to everyone.”
“Can you send Tony in first? Then you can send others later.” I request Cho, who gives a nod and leaves the room.

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Soon after Cho’s departure, Tony steps through the door and sits on the chair beside my bed. For a few moments, he keeps gazing at me with a peculiar look then he shifts his attention to the IV attached to my arm.

“Damn, had you been awake that would have hurt like a bitch. I remember how much needles scare you. This would have totally caused you another attack. So kiddo, how was la la land. Was it as perfect as you hoped it was? You totally scared the shit outta me. Please tell me, at least it was worth it”, Tony said. I could see by his clenched jaws that he was angry and completely worried. I didn’t realize he cared that much.

“Yes, Tony it was epic. I can’t wait to go there again. But I missed you too much so I came back. After all what would you do without me? You are useless sans a P.A. and I am the best you have ever had.” I say jokingly and he glares at me, “I am sorry Tony.” I say apologetically. Tony shrugs and starts moving about the room. He always avoids eye-contact and walks about when he is nervous.

Tony says, “Your two grandpas are being absolute nuisance. See them and tell them to control themselves. The people around are breaking into hives with their pacing. It is not like you are dying or something.” Then he sits on the chair again and asks, “Now are you going to tell me what the fuck happened and why were you crying a damn river? Is it those two idiots? God knows they always pull stupid stunts, not that I am any better. But they are completely clueless; I can’t imagine how Barnes was called a smooth talker in the old days. Must be generation wide defect.”

“Tony, you know how emotionally sensitive I can be. I was looking for them to talk to them about my issues, but then I heard them talking. I ran from there and well you found me. Simple. I can be an idjit too sometimes. I just let it get the best of me.” I replied to his query. Tony seemed deep in thought and then he told me to relay what I heard. I sighed defeated and then told him all that I heard. After relaying it, I sneaked a peek at Tony’s face – he looked pissed and murderous. But then he calmed down and said to me.

“You are right, you are an idjit. But I can understand why you ran. Don’t worry just talk it out, well it supposedly works. It is all just a big misunderstanding and then you can have your fairy tale. You know how good and righteous those two can be (he grimaces), they are simply oblivious.” Tony advised and patted my arm comfortingly. “Now I am sending those Popsicles in so you can sort this mess.” Then he leaves the room.
I take a deep breath to prepare myself for their arrival and then the door opens.

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I can’t breathe. The air is stifling. A dark spot is gathering in my eye and spreading like an epidemic. My lungs seem to be filled with lead. Someone is calling my name, I think, but the voice is quite distant. Tears are pouring out of my eyes and my body is trembling. My last thought as I fade into unconsciousness is ‘not again, not again’.
I wake up with a jerk and see Tony sitting by my bedside. There are dark circles surrounding his eyes and his clothes are rumpled. I don’t know how much time has passed. Tony is holding my right hand and rubbing soothingly. He notices my awakened state and sighs in relief.
and you were clawing at your throat. You scared the fuck out of me. Please don’t do that to me again, I have a fragile hea“What happened?” my voice croaks. Tony jumps to his feet and offers me a glass of water. I take the glass gratefully and gulp it down. Tony takes the glass back and settles down again.
“I don’t know. One moment I left you to send those fossils in and next JARVIS is alerting me about your distress. You had severe panic attack rt.” Tony said with a haunted look in his eyes. I felt shame fill my veins. I never meant to make him worried.
“I am sorry, Tony. I just can’t do it anymore; I am not ready to see them. I need time and space from everything. I have finally reached a decision. I am not sure whether it is right thing to do, but I need it. Please Tony keep them away for a while.” I plead to him with the best puppy dog eyes that I can make. Tony, predictably, is unable to resist my pathetic expression and succumbs, “Okay, Okay. You win. I will keep them away and JARVIS will help you with what you need. Now I am going to be in the workshop, so see you later.” Then Tony pats my knees and leaves the room with his usual swagger.

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My lost boys,

         I hoped that this day would never come, but it’s just my life. I know I should have talked to you face-to-face, but I couldn’t and so I decided to write this letter which Tony should have given to you after I left. It was a swift decision.

      You always said that I never communicate my needs, desires, and dreams; never come to you with my problems; never let you see me vulnerable. You were right, because it requires a kind of trust that I am not ready for. One day maybe, or maybe never. It takes me a long ass (yeah I am gonna curse, Steve) time to trust anyone but once I do, it is forever.

        I wanted to trust you, I really did. But my instincts told me not to. Guess, they were right. The moment I saw you with her, it shattered my heart. I just knew that you were never mine. But now I am sort of okay. I know I never said anything but I didn’t know how to bring it up. I waited for you to confess, you never did.

        Steve, you are truly wonderful person- with your huge heart, steely resolve, kind eyes, sexy ass and the little troll that you hide. You know what I am talking about, Rogers. Your passion towards your beliefs and your art blows my mind away. You are Captain America not because you are a super soldier, but because you are Steve Rogers, the one who can’t stand bullies and would stand against them even when he is a scrawny lad.

         James Buchanan Barnes. What do I even say about you! You amaze me. You baffle me. You challenge me. You make me feel alive. Where Steve is a comforting blanket surrounding me, you are the raging storm consuming me. You are the fire that blazes my heart and yet warms me with its gentle embers. You are the rock that anchors me and protects me. You are my gentle warrior. Your friendship and loyalty astounds me. You make me want to be strong. Hydra may have broken you, but you always rebuild yourselves to become more. 

        I have never seen men like you before. One is a sweet prince coming to sweep me off my feet; other is the dark knight swearing to protect me. You are my fairy tale come alive. But I am not the princess of your dream. I am just the friend of hers and you can only love a princess. It was a good dream while it lasted. Now, I must return to my reality. It’s time for me to leave. I know a part of you loves me, as you say, but you love her more- your princess, Darcy. I know we were in a relationship but I want your happiness, even if it is not with me. So I set you free from the chains binding you to me. Go to her, tell her you love her. Don’t wait and don’t settle. Don’t blame yourselves; I don’t. I was angry at first, even cursed the fates. But now I have accepted it.

       I love you, my lost boys. Don’t worry about me; I will be courting my love too- travelling. There is so much to see and marvel at. Remember me, boys. We will meet again. Till then,

Goodbye.

Your raven