This is necessary,it is!
First I was afraid of the consequences caused by my foolishness regarding my letters to her,I never even remotely thought it would lead to an encounter like this,not for a moment. I supposed it might be useful in some way in the future to be in favor with a lady. Well,that didn't work the way I thought it would. The fear of what might happen to me,to my position in this house,my life as it was and that in some ways I appreciated was overwhelming and yet I knew what I feared the most. As I understood she would not let her advances on me go, it suddenly hit me as the solution for my greatest problem,the one I suffered from so badly.And of course he was there to help me with it.He always was,I hate and I love it with all my heart. When I told him about my plans to finally give in to her,I could see his pain,he can't hide his feelings,not from me. I see it in his eyes and yet he would support me in every stupid plan I'd make up in my stupid mind. Because he loves me,I know he still does, sometimes I can't help but wonder why.
It makes him unhappy,doesn't it? Being my friend despite his still apparent longing for me? After four years I still can't understand him.And I try,I think about him a lot,a whole lot to much,which is why we stand in the upstairs corridor now to bring me to her room unseen by anyone.It occured to me as the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of my very own longing,my dreams,my very inappropriate,wrong fantasies.
It grew stronger over the last months, the closer we got,the stronger our friendship became. But that doesn't mean I'm like him,does it?
I just need some physical contact,who would blame me? And now she's here and she wants me,why not use the opportunity? It will get everything back to normal,I will be able to look at him without those images floating my mind,the ones that won't let me get to sleep more often than not.Yes,it is the prefect solution,she will be satisfied and surely I would be too.Why not? Of course,I don't know,what to do,but I'm sure she does,she's an experienced woman. Everything will be solved and I can stop being afraid of myself.
Now it's time,I can go to her room,no one is there but me and him.Now that I look into his eyes,and we're standing so closely,I feel the overwhelming need to thank him,to assure him I appreciate his efforts and I appreciate him.Do his eyes look teary? I can't bring myself to look away,I just can't. And then suddenly I see it,I see it in shocking clarity.
I see us turn around,not ever leaving each others eyes and go away until we're in his room,where he closes the door,comes to me,takes my face in his hands and kisses me and i kiss back. We kiss till we're close too fainting,we don't say a word,it's not necessary,I let him lead me to the cot,he touches and undresses me with a tenderness that floods my heart and I do the same to him,we sink down,I pull him to me ,on top of me. Everything comes easy and naturally,every touch,every kiss,every move,drifts us off to our own little world where our bodies ,eyes and lips are all we have to give to one another and nothing more is needed.
An overwhelming panic brings me back to the corridor where we we still stand close and look at each other. One final second and I force myself to look away and start my way to her door.I don't dare to look back at him. I know I have to do this,it will help to get things back to normal but deep inside I know,whatever may happen in this room,all of my dreams will go with him tonight.