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(I Can't Help) Falling in Love With You

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Once upon a time, God punished lovers.

 

 

A long time ago God was bored and created Earth.

 

At first it was just blue. Blue and liquid and beautiful but unstable so he thought and added solid brown to hold it all together. In the end, God's creation formed a solid sphere, round and smooth and perfect with blue on one side and brown on the other. God spent years making it turn on itself and while it was funny at first they soon got bored again. Their creation lacked something, its perfect shape wasn't but God couldn't find why.

 

Frustrated, they let their angry fist hit their work of art.

 

Mad at themselves, God left and let Earth in a corner, forgetting it for centuries.

 

After galaxies and galaxies of failures, God got depressed. Nostalgic, they returned to their first try, the one they had destroyed a long time ago. But when they took a look at it, their eyes widened in surprise.

 

The perfect sphere had been crushed and flattened at what God decided to call poles.

The brown had crackled and mixed with the blue forming what God decided to call continents and oceans.

 

The once smooth piece was now covered in mounts and mountains and crevasses and valleys and God was amazed. It was a mess but somehow there was harmony and they spent a lot of time mapping every single detail.

 

To enhance their creation, God created the sun. Under the bright orb, it looked even more beautiful but the sun was too bright for God to look at it for too long so they created moon for when their eyes got tired.

 

They called the sun time, day and the moon time, night.

 

God, satisfied with the result, decided to enlighten the world by creating more suns and moons. It took them a while but they managed to illuminate the galaxies they had made and abandoned already an eternity ago. But no creation equalized Earth in beauty so God returned to their masterpiece.

 

What a surprise it was then to discover that Earth had changed again !

 

It was now covered in green and crawling with thousands of various moving things. God called the green, vegetal and the moving things, animal and all were... 'alive'.

 

God called it life.

 

There was an animal they liked a lot and called it 'dear'. God followed its life on Earth, saw it drink and eat and run and mate. They watched in awe and love for years until the 'dear' stopped moving. Until another animal ate it. Until it just vanished. Until it 'died'.

 

God called it death.

 

With death God realised that life was fragile and temporary, that living things were weak and could die any time and just be gone, just leave, just disappear. The thought filled God's heart with sadness and loneliness so they decided to create perfect beings that would never die, never leave their side.

 

God took their love for life and built what they called an angel.

God took their hate for death and built what they called a demon.

 

God was proud of their work until they realised that the angel could only love and the demon could only hate and they always fought against each other. So God gave them feelings and the tensions disappeared. With the angel and the demon, God wasn't alone anymore and they found happiness.

 

Together they named things.

 

Angel loved birds so God, in their kindness, gave them wings with white feathers like their favorite animal. To be fair, God gave Demon warm wings like those of bats, their favorite animal. But the demon was not happy with just wings and asked for something more. So God thought about what Demon loved the most. They got an idea and took bits of the moon to made horns for the demon. Then, to be fair, they took bits of the sun and made a halo for the angel.

 

Both were pleased with their gifts and grateful so to thank their still lonely God, they created more angels and more demons. Soon, God was surrounded by thousands of new people and loneliness left their heart.

 

But after centuries of joyful peace, the angels and demons' true nature showed again and they started fighting.

 

A war between love and hate broke out.

 

For long years it lasted until God, tired of it, took the painful decision to separate them. They put all angels in a land called heaven and all demons in a land called hell and God prohibited any contact between the two now different people.

 

Time passed and God, while still spending time in hell or heaven, started to miss the time when they were all together. So they organized a party in which both people could mingle and be a whole once more. But after some time, both people started to fight again and God put an end to the party, grieving and sad.

 

But Eve the angel and Adam the Demon had met.

 

They had grown fond of each other at the party so when it ended they had promised each other that they would meet again. Both went back to their lands but unable to stay away from each other they braved God's law and reunited.

 

But just seeing each other wasn't enough, for some reason they felt the need to be one. They touched each other in all places, their bodies pressed against each other but it wasn't enough, nothing was enough.

 

At some point God found out and saw Eve's lips on Adam's.

 

Angry first then confused they wondered why two opposite beings whose nature forced to fight were now trying to join. God looked at the angels then looked at the demons and finally, as they were comparing their work to life's they understood. All angels were the same and all demons were the same.

 

“One can not find interest in themselves”, they concluded.

 

So God modified them, their hair, height, weight. They gave them all kinds of shapes and differences that would lead angels in being interested in other angels and demons interested in other demons. Touched by Adam and Eve's desperation to be one, they followed life's model and created males and females so that two beings could join.

 

One problem was left though. Angels were still angels and demons were still demons and God knew they would fight again. God couldn't abrogate the law they created to separate the two people, and by extension, forgive Eve and Adam's sin.

 

God couldn't bring themselves to destroy their creation so they sent them to Earth. They took their memories, their wings and horns and halo and power, creating what they decided to call human. God made them mortal but the two would meet again, be one and live together freely until death hit them.

 

Proud of their new creation, God organized another party. To avoid any kind of trouble, they disguised them as human so that they couldn't tell who was an angel and who was a demon. By doing so they thought fights wouldn't happen but had never imagined that more and more demons and angels would sin, that they would have to turn more of their creations into human.

 

Soon the number of humans on Earth had raised to the detriment of the number of demons and angels. God, again, copying life, gave their creations the power to reproduce, to make sure the people from hell and the people from heaven would perpetuate.

 

Thus, God's world and Earth started to interact in harmony, both worlds balanced and happy.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

“Gustus, Lexa, hurry up !” Anya calls and you close the enormous book on your lap.

 

You look up starting “I'm sorry G-” but you stop when you realize your little brother is gone.

 

You know he's eager because it's his first Unity Day Party but you can't bring yourself to be happy. You remember that you couldn't wait either before you went for the first time, but after centuries of those parties, it just gets boring.

 

You look at the ceiling in hope that maybe something will fall from it and keep you from going to any more of these 'reunions' but your sister yells again, angrier “LEXA GET YOUR GORGEOUS POUTING ASS DOWN THERE !”

 

You sigh but obey. You put the book back on its shelf in a corner of your room and go down the stairs where your family is waiting. Anya is tapping her foot on the ground and you know why she's fuming. You smirk.

 

“By God, Adam and Eve, you took your damn time ! Come on let's go.” she says, taking your hand, pulling you outside behind your tutors, Marcus and Indra. Gustus is bouncing far ahead and you smile as you close the door.

 

Your voice drops to a whisper when you say “I know the party is the only time of the year you can fuck her, sister, but it doesn't mean I have to want to go too.”

 

Anya blushes furiously and you're proud of yourself. Raven really is her weak point. And sex. Sex definitely is her second weak point. So 'demon-like...' But you look at yourself, at your dark green suit and brown hair, think about your damn wings and remember the poor glow of your halo and you think that maybe she's not the most demon looking one of the family.

 

She clears her throat “I enjoy the dance, free food and booze. She's just a bonus.”

 

You roll your eyes “Sure.” You start the walk that will lead you to that event you hate and she takes your arm. You love that she's nervous. She never is under other circumstances and it's a nice change. You can't help but warn her again though “You know she's from the other side right ? No kissing.”

 

The soft, sad sigh that escapes your sister's lips adds to your concern and makes your heart ache. You know two can't fully become one until they kiss, that the pull to press your lips to the one you love is stronger than anything else and you can't possibly imagine how hard everything must be for Anya and Raven.

 

Or not because those two have been going on like that for half a century after all.

 

You don't understand how this situation is even possible anyway. All angels learn at a young age that they must never fall for a demon. Which is why children aren't allowed at parties. Because they can't possibly understand that pressing their lips on someone else's could mean death. So how in Hell people still, somehow, found a way to fall for their opposite ?

 

Now that you're thinking about it again, you really don't understand Anya. She has an angel boyfriend with whom she seems happy and even if she wasn't, there are plenty of other angels in their district and all the others (Around 7 billion in all to be more precise). Why would Anya go fall for a demon seriously... It only leads to unwanted pain and it's dangerous. Like actually life threatening dangerous.

 

You want to face palm, take your sister in your arms, run back home, lock her inside with you and watch netflix.

 

You can't do that though. Because she's beautiful in this light brown dress and black shoes. Because the light in her dark eyes is too much, disarms you before you can pick up a weapon. Because the smile she's failing at hiding is large and temporary. Because Raven makes Anya happy and there's no way in Hell or Heaven you wouldn't want that for her.

 

So you smile. You look down at the slightly smaller woman tugging at the sleeve of your vest anxiously, and your chest warms. Just that makes this evening worth it.

 

Just that makes the ten minutes of elevator worth it you remind yourself as you arrive at the doors of the terrifying vehicle. The damn thing got stuck when you took it with Anya when you were little and since then you can't even see it in picture without shuddering. You definetly don't understand your sister. How can she forgive this thing so easily ?!

 

You don't have the choice though.

 

You follow your family and step in the small box. Once inside you gulp and you know you'll sweat in a minute. You loosen your tie and undo the buttons keeping your vest and shirt close. Next to you, Anya takes your hand and rests her head on your shoulder.

 

She smells good.

 

Anya always smells good, smells this reassuring 'big sis' scent that appeased your fearful soul so many times, more than you can count. But tonight there's something more, something sweeter but stronger, a perfume she only wears once a year. You turn your head and kiss the crown of her head, happy to be wearing such high heels. She lifts her eyes to look at you with a raised eyebrow and you laugh.

 

“I'm only rarely that tall, let me enjoy.”

 

She blushes a little but smirks and punches your side, reminding you that she's not the best karate fighter of Heaven for nothing. You let out a loud huff and Indra scolds you “I'm warning you girls, don't count on my powers to clean your blood stained evening dresses.”

 

Anya rolls her eyes “Yes Ma.” Your sister make you bend down a little so that she can whisper in your ear “ All of this-” she motions to her body “-will be ruined at the end of the night no matter what anyway.”

 

“Anya !” Kane yells but you know it's just for show because he's smiling. Him too has someone to meet with tonight and even if he's trying to hide it, you know he can't wait.

 

You feel something tug at your fingers and when you look down you see your little brother's blue eyes question you. You can't lift him in your arms like you used to so you caress his head that reaches your lower ribs, and give him a reassuring smile “It's better if you don't understand Gus. Big sis Anya is just saying odd things that scare normal people away. As usual.”

 

You receive another punch, harder than the previous one “Hey ! Don't talk like I'm a freaking weirdo !”

 

“Because you're not ?” you tease.

 

She puffs her chest “I am. But it's only funny when *I* am the one saying it. From you it's offending.” her hand leaves yours and she crosses her arms. “But if I'm a weirdo then you're worse for sticking with me.” You're about to answer that she has never said anything more true when the 'ding' of the elevator signaling that you've reached your floor, cut your train of thoughts. You relax entirely, happy that the travel in the menacing artefact is over.

 

No but really this thing has been made by God's most wicked devil, you're sure of it.

 

The doors open on a wide, bright room and Anya winks at you with a smirk before stepping out, looking around in search of Raven and you know you won't see her again before the end of the party. Indra takes Gustus' hand and leads him outside. Marcus rests a hand on your shoulder and you turn to look at him. “We're here to have fun ok ?”

 

He smiles and you can't help but nod. You'll just dance all night, you think. He steps in front of you and starts to button up your shirt. You give his hands a light tap “Hey !” you take a step back “I can do that myself.”

 

He sighs over dramatically “To think I used to bathe you...”

 

Burning red creeps to your cheeks and you point to the party as you hit the floor with yout foot saying “Pa ! Out !”

 

“Ok, ok, I'm gone.” He answers, his hands raised in surrender, a smirk on his face before turning back and joining the crowd.

 

You sigh. You're big enough to take care of a few buttons and tie.

 

It takes you a minute to finish adjusting your clothes, and two more to prepare mentally before you finally step outside of the elevator. As soon as you're out of the box, it closes and vanishes in the ground and all you can think is 'creepy...'

 

It's loud. And crowded. If your estimations are right, there may be up to five or six hundred people.

 

You sigh.

 

This is going to be a long night...

 

The place is the same as always, a very high ceiling supported by pillars between which is the marble dancefloor. The balconies are on the left, and the gigantic buffet is on the right against a wall.

 

'So pompous.' you think.

 

There's no music yet so you go for the food and alcohol. The buffet is large and, divine world perks, the plates and bottles cannot empty. You pour yourself some wine and you search for what you know must be somewhere. Your eyes catch a glimpse of red and you smile.

 

Cherry tomatoes.

 

You pick up a few and go find peace against a wall, where you can breathe. You take a sip of your wine and a tomato. It's the weirdest mix for Anya but just the best for you. And... You can have some fun. You send a tomato in the air and catch it in your mouth. You smile proudly and hum at the satisfying feeling of thin fruit skin breaking under your teeth and sugary sticky juice spilling into your mouth. You're just too good at this. You remember how many times you've discovered Anya in the kitchen, trying and failing to learn the trick and chuckle.

 

You send another one in the air and open your mouth but freeze when you see blue.

 

She's the most beautiful angel you've ever seen you think. Her hair is gold like the sun and her skin white, pure like ancient marble statues. She's wearing a light blue dress, short and fuzzy and it reminds you of the oceans. And she has that kind of holy aura around her, an aura matching Angel's and for a moment you envy her.

 

From where you are you can't make out her features clearly but you know she's beautiful and she's  looking at you.

 

That's when you remember the tomato you sent flying. That's when it falls on the top of your head. That's when she chuckles and you finally close your gaping mouth. Your cheeks burn in embarrassment and you want to run away, at least avert your eyes but you can't. Your feet are glued to the ground somehow, your bones are welded together and you can't tear your eyes from her.

 

You see her bring a hand to her mouth and wrap an arm around her middle as she laughs. You wish she wasn't holding back, you wish you were closer because you want to hear it, her laugh, her voice.

 

But her shoulders are shaking way too much and a part of you is offended.

 

You think.

 

You have an idea and you smirk. You raise your hand to capture her attention. When she stops laughing and looks at you curiously, you bend down and pick up the now dirty tomatoe. Your eyes search for something in the room that you've seen earlier. When you find it, you smile and look back at her. You point at the tomato in your hand then at the dustbin on the other side of the room, fifty meters away from you.

 

You smile smugly when your eyes fall on her again but it's her turn to raise a hand. She tells you to wait and disappears in the crowd. A minute later she's back with a cup. She shows it to you before walking to the dustbin. She holds the cup over it and you smirk.

 

“She wants to play huh ?” you say out loud before snapping your fingers. A white, round table appears from nowhere and you put your glass on it. You wave at her then turn back to face the wall. “Let's play.”

 

You weight the tomato, concentrate then send it in the air, over your shoulder. You turn back quickly to see it cross the room in a perfect arc before falling into the cup that the girl let fall in the trash. You jump in the air victoriously and puff your chest. You're just too good at this.

 

You're about to join her and see how impressed she is when someone calls your name.

 

“Lexa !”

 

You turn to see your 'boring parties' buddy and you just have the time to open your arms for him before his own wrap around your waist in a bone crushing embrace.

 

“Bell. Stop. You're killing me.” You say, out of breath, and he pulls back.

 

“What were you doing, jumping like that on your own ? A joke I didn't get ?”

 

Panting, you answer “No. No it's this girl she-” you start and point to her but all is left is the dustbin and a frightening feeling of cold emptiness settles into your stomach. You frown, don't understand the hollow in your body nor the urge you have to run after her, after someone you don't even know, after someone that is not here.

 

“Um... You give objects genders now ?”

 

Bellamy questions and the weird feeling vanishes as fast as it appeared. You shake your head to clear your thoughts and answer “Yeah no of course not. There, I mean there was a girl but she left.”

 

He raises an eyebrow “No shit. Couldn't have guessed the last part.”

 

You punch his chest and he laughs. It feels good to see him again. “Where's Octavia ?” you ask, eager to see your other friend again.

 

His smile drops and worry replaces his joy “Well actually that's what I wanted to ask you. She was way too happy to come this year, I'm sure she's hiding something...”

 

You snort “Of course she's hiding things, you're her overly protective big brother.”

 

“Don't mock me ! She better not be with one of those angels-”

 

“Hey !” you punch him again “Show respect to my kind.” you fake offence to amuse him but fail.

 

“Oh come on you know what I meant.”

 

You sigh. “She's a big girl now Bell, she knows the rules. She won't do anything reckless.” Those words are for your friend but probably also for yourself as your thoughts go back to Anya and what she could be doing right now. If she shows weakness, you may never see her again, loose her forever and in that moment you know more than anybody else how Bellamy feels.

 

“I'm going to search for her. Tell me if you see her ok ?”

 

You nod and he waves and smiles before disappearing in the crowd.

 

You turn back to the small table you created and retrieve your glass. You bring it to your lips only to put it back on the table an instant later, empty. Damn Bellamy. Just when you were almost having fun. You snap your fingers again and a chair appears. You sit and look at the crowd wondering if this angel in blue is still here.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

You don't know why you're here again, really. You look at your reflection in the mirror they had the good idea to install in the elevator, and you wonder why you picked up that tie. You look so dark in your black suit that you thought a colorful tie would help. You were wrong.

 

You try to forget that you're up for another of those annual parties when your sister decides to annoy you (with what she named your 'charming ghost') for the umpteenth time today.

 

“Hey don't make that face, maybe you'll get to meet with your blue angel again !” Anya nudges you and you groan.

 

There's no way you will meet her again, even if you wanted to. “You know as well as I do that unless you ask for it, you can't choose with who you'll be mixed with.”

 

“Maybe she'll ask to be here...” your sister wiggles her eyebrow and you roll your eyes.

 

“Last year she saw me make a fool of myself, laughed at me and disappeared. I doubt she'd be happy to cross paths with me again.” you explain, loosening your tie to see if, by some miracle, it'll look better that way “Plus, she's a stranger for me as much as I am for her. Nothing more but a stranger. Why would she go all the way to demand God to send her here for someone she doesn't know ?” you add, to prove your idealist of a sister that she cannot be right.

 

“Why would you, my antisocial baby sister, spend hours in your room just to pick up a tie for a party you've always ran away from ?”

 

It's a heartshot and your cheeks burn “It wasn't hours.”

 

She smirks and the elevator dings “But it was.” she says as she gets out of the metallic box, leaving you behind with your heart thumping in your ears.

 

You look at yourself again and confirm your fears : your cheeks match the color of your tie and it's not good. You wish you could hide your face with your hair but you've spent way too much time braiding it on the back of your head. You won't sacrifice your efforts for a simple blush. Yes. That's all it is. A simple blush that will disappear in a minute.

 

Along with the butterflies in your stomach of course.

 

You wait and pace for five long minutes, adjusting your necktie, your hair, your shirt, your vest, even your shoes. You look correct but this blush don't want to leave your face and at some point you exit the elevator swearing “Screw it !”

 

The room is the same as always, with the same arrangements, the same ceiling, the same pillars, the same crowd. Well not the same crowd. You know Anya will find Raven, that you will probably meet Bellamy and spend the night with him and his sister (like last year and all the previous ones), that Marcus is already with Abby and that Indra will spend her time showing how cute Gustus is to everyone. There are other regulars, from both Hell and Heaven, but at least half of the crowd is new, made of strangers. God enjoys mixing things together. Because they think you have the rest of the year to learn to know the people living in your neighborhood, they always put together different districts on Unity Day. So that you can 'meet' people. On another hand, if you indeed 'meet' someone there's a huge chance that this someone will be your opposite and that you won't see them the day after.

 

What a paradox.

 

One more reason to hate those parties.

 

You decide you need alcohol so you go straight for the buffet and pour yourself a big glass of wine that you empty in one go. You fill it again and head to one of the balconies because you need some air. It's less noisy here and the cool breeze brushing your burning cheeks is more than welcome. You put your glass on the railing and breathe.

 

You can't wait for the music to start because, really, that's the only funny thing that can happen. As you look down at the garden that, unlike this place, changes every year, you wonder why you came. You wonder why you put so much effort in making yourself look good for someone that won't show. Why you've invested so much hope and energy into this, into something that won't-

 

“No tomato throwing today ?”

 

The voice from behind you is foreign yet familiar. You've never heard it but you know who's it is somehow and for an instant, your heart forgets to beat. You fight hard against the smile that tugs at your lips but you're failing and decide not to turn back as you answer “Depends.”

 

“Depends ?”

 

She repeats and this time you smirk because that's what you were waiting for. You gather all the cockiness you know you have before turning around as you say “Depends if you're gonna-”

 

You stop midsentence, mouth agape when your eyes find her.

 

She's small. Like the cute kind of small. The kind of small that makes you just the right height for her. The kind of small that makes your lips burn at the thought of kissing her forehead.

 

Her hair really is made of gold you think because each and every strand remind you of the thread they use to make angel tunics. It is long, curly and beautiful and you wonder how it'd feel wrapped around your finger.

 

She's wearing a dress that shouldn't be allowed by God's laws. It is blue and long and hugs her in all the right places, with a cleavage that leaves nothing to the imagination at all. Like that you can see how graceful her curves are, her plump thighs and hips you so want to touch and the elegant calves, her breasts that are just the right size and-

 

“Hey, Miss Suit, eyes up here.”

 

Your body freezes entirely. Well freeze might not be the right term because really it's burning in embarrassment and your eyes fall to the ground as you stutter “I- You- I'm sorry. Um it's- I mean usually it's not- I'm not usually like that !”

 

You hear her chuckle then laugh openly and you think you're going to combust if this goes on because really, you're ridiculous. You decide to girl the hell up and your gaze trail up her body (you can't help it somehow) and finds her face.

 

And oh Adam that face... It's worse than the rest you think. It's worse because of the little cleft on her chin. It's worse because of the discreet mole at the corner of her mouth. It's worse because of those lips that are the perfect shade of pink. It's way worse because of those long eyelashes and what they are hiding.

 

When finally she stops laughing and wipes the tears in her eyes you see the sky. Or not.

 

The two orbs are blue and remind you of that summer day you spent in the fields centuries ago, just looking at the overly blue sky threatening to crush you, swallow you, drown you whole. But it's not the same color you're sure of it. It's a blue you can't identify, one you can't name, one you've, in fact, never seen and you find it mind blowing.

 

Yeah really, so mind blowing you don't realize she talked to you.

 

“Is your jaw so hard to keep close ?” you vaguely hear her tell you but you can't move and when she brings a hand up and under your chin you stop breathing. She closes your mouth manually and it's the click of teeth against teeth that drags you back to reality and makes you realize how rude you've been all this time.

 

“Oh my God.” you say, taking a step back, “I am so, so, so sorry...” you bow low. You've never bowed for anyone but really right now you feel like there's nothing else to do.

 

She chuckles again and now that what you see isn't distracting you, you hear it clearly and you decide you want to spend eternity listening to that. To that light yet slightly husky sound that make your ridiculousness worth it.

 

“You're too funny !” she exclaims and you chance a glance up. She's more grinning than laughing when she says “So. I think you were trying and failing at explaining me why you're not throwing tomatoes today.”

 

Your spine straighten and you frown as you try to remember who you are, where you are and what the hell you were sa- “Oh !” you say, as your words come back from somewhere deep in your memory “Oh yeah. I was going to make a snarky remark about the way you just ran away last year after I managed to shoot and score so perfectly.” you answer honestly as you feel some confidence finally flowing back into your body, stretching your lips into a proud smirk.

 

“I didn't run away.” she says, taking her time to close the distance between her and the railing, her eyes staying on yours for as long as possible. “Well not from you at least.”

 

Some kind of anger tugs at your guts and you don't have the time to think them that already your words are out and lost in the wind “Who's ass do I have to beat ?”

 

She turns back to you, leaning on the railing and chuckles, showing teeth and a tiny bit of the tongue that's stuck in between and Oh Lord you're loosing it again. You swallow hard. Harder than ever in your entire life and it's useless because there's strictly nothing to swallow as your mouth is dry like a desert.

 

“No need for violence, Miss Suit-”

 

“Lexa. My name is Lexa.” you blurt out before you forget how to talk again. Which happens a second later when her too bright smile blinds you.

 

“Well nice to meet you Lexa, I'm Clarke.” she extends her hand for you to take and you're split between your burning need to take it and the fear of making a fool of yourself once more. In the end you take her small hand in your shaky one.

 

“Feeling shared, Clarke.” you say holding her hand some more time before tearing yours away quickly as you realize you're sweating like a teen on her first date. You want to face palm at your own stupidity. It's just another girl, one like those you've dated, one of those that are all doe eyes and good looking but have nothing in their heads.

 

“So you're not the type to mingle huh ?”

 

The question takes you by surprise somehow and you sigh, returning to the railing to copy her position. “I'm the type that comes here because her idiotic big sister and tutor fell in love with opposites. I'm here to remind them they have a family waiting for them.”

 

“You don't approve demon-angel romances ?”

 

You hum and think, your eyes lost in the party seemingly happening in another world “It's not that I disapprove. It's just that it's dangerous. And painful too. I mean, they can see each other only once a year and if they brave God's law or kiss, they die. Isn't it scary ?”

 

“So for you being human equals death ?”

 

“In a way yes.”

 

She hums and you turn to her. After a moment she just says “Interesting.” It seems like she's about to talk again when a blue light appear on the bracelet at her wrist. “Ah. I'm sorry I gotta go.”

 

The words break your heart and you want to scream her to stay, want to grab her wrist and keep her here with you, not to disappear again and leave you alone for a year. But you can't move. You're stunned there and just watch as she walks to you, takes your glass, brings it to her lips and drinks.

 

You're lost again.

 

You can't help but stare at her lips, endeared by the way they wrap so elegantly over the edge of the glass. You follow the movements of her exposed throat as she swallows and suddenly you wonder if the skin right there would taste like wine.

 

All of this ends way too fast though and she puts the glass back on the railing. For a reason your numb brain can't decipher she smirks, tiptoes to kiss your cheek and says “Thanks for the laugh and drink Lexa. I had a good time.” she winks and adds “See you next year, maybe.”

 

And then she's walking away and you want to cry and scream and a hundreds of other things until she stops in her tracks, turns back and shout “Loved the tie by the way !” she waves and disappears in the crowd.

 

Minutes pass, hours maybe before you're able to shake your head, mutter some kind of “Wow.” and wonder what the fuck just happened to you.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

“Lexa wait !”

 

Anya calls but you barely hear her under the deafening sound of your pulse in your ears. You're restless. You've been restless for days and you can't believe you're waiting for your family at the foot of the escalator with an eagerness you've never experienced before, not even as a child.

 

“God Lexa ! I'm in heels and you just had me running !” Anya arrives behind you and you turn back to see her panting heavily.

 

“Sorry sis.”

 

She smirks “You could at least try to look honest. The smile on your face is way too big for someone apologizing.”

 

You feel your smile grow even wider “But I can't help it. I've been waiting a year !” you explain, all giddy, bouncing on your feet and she rolls her eyes.

 

“Yeah well now you know how I've felt this past half century.”

 

A pang of pain and compassion hits you in the chest when you realize how mean you've been with your sister in the past. “Oh Annie...” You say as you take her in your arms against her will.

 

“Wait no- Lexa let me go !”

 

She fights back but her tone is playful and you know she's happy to have someone on her boat. Well it's not exactly her boat though because Raven is a demon and Clarke is an angel. At least, YOU have hope. Your heart aches again and you hug her harder but you can't bring yourself to be nor look sad. Not really. Not right now when you're about to meet Clarke after a year.

 

“No Lex. I'm serious. Let me go.” she says but you keep her against you, mind lost on those lips you can't wait to see again. “Don't say I didn't warn you...” is all you hear before a fist meets your abs hard enough to have you choking for minutes.

 

But you don't care. You don't care because the elevator is here and you jump inside.

 

“Wait, and the others ?” Anya asks as you're about to press the button to Cloud Nine.

 

“They'll take the next one. You comin' with me ?”

 

She rolls her eyes but steps in “We're early.”

 

You grin “I don't care.”

 

The elevator shakes and starts its ascension and you won't lie, you're still a little scared.

 

“If God had told me that you, the dates-but-never-bothers-with-feelings would fall so hard for someone you've seen twice, I would never have believed them.”

 

You roll your eyes “I'm not in love with her.”

 

She smirks “Right.”

 

“I'm not.” you insist even if you know you can't fool her, nor anybody at all including yourself.

 

After the most excruciatingly long ten minutes of your life, the elevator finally dings and you throw a last look at yourself in the mirror. You check your light blue suit and the white shirt, make sure your blue tie is on point. You adjust your hat on your head and you see Anya shake her head behind you. You stick out your tongue and your eyes go back to your own reflex ion.

 

You look at yourself under all angles before finally saying “Something's missing.”

 

“Right.” Anya says before snapping her fingers. A white cane appears in front of you and you catch it just in time before it touches the ground. “Now you look like a real dandy, dear enamored sister.”

 

You huff but smile. She's right. You look like a gentleman and it was the goal.

 

The room is empty when you arrive. Or almost. You run to the dancefloor's edge where your friend is settling his equipment.

 

“Bell !” you call “You're the DJ tonight ?” you sound way too eager and excited but you don't care.

 

His eyes leave the cables he was arranging to look at you and whistles “Damn Lexa that's some classy outfit !” he says enthusiastically before finally pulling a disgusted face “Who are you and what have you done to my friend ?” he asks, angry and you can't help but laugh. You'd usually be pissed but now you're laughing and his shoulders fall “Tell me I'm dreaming...”

 

“Unfortunately you're not.” Anya arrives from behind you and when you look at her she has her hands on her hips. She rolls her eyes as she explains “She has a date.” and your childish side can't help but correct her.

 

“It's not a date.”

 

“She said 'See you next year'.”

 

“No, she said 'See you next year MAYBE'. Not the same thing.” you cross your arms on your chest and Bellamy bursts out laughing. Now you're pissed “What ?”

 

After a moment he recovers, gets down from his stage and walks to your sister, more serious than ever. He places a hand on her shoulder and gravely he says “You have my most sincere condolences.”

 

Your jaw drops in shock and betrayal and when your sister places a hand on his own, faking recognition, you know they're both far from over. “Thank you Bellamy. You have no idea how hard this past year has been for me.” she adds but as you slap their shoulders you have to fight back a smile.

 

“It's not a date !” you repeat and you expect them to tease you again but Bellamy's eyes widen as they leave your face to look at something behind you.

 

“What's not a date ?” a husky, feminine voice asks and your heart stops. Your spine straightens impossibly and suddenly you're stiff as a board. You know your cheeks are red too because you feel them burn and for a moment you wonder if blue was the right color to pick tonight.

 

Anya turns back to look at what apparently stunned Bellamy and exclaims “Holy shit !” She turns to you and says “I take back everything I said lil sis, now I see why you were so eager to come.”

 

Your eyes widen and you scold “Anya !”

 

“What ? Your date is hot as fuck. I understand your impatience, that's all I said.” You face palm, both because your sister is being way to vulgar for someone in that kind of high standing dress and because you feel the urge to hide your face with something somehow. But your sister is not finished to humiliate you apparently because she steps forward and extends her hand “It is very nice to meet you. I'm Anya and if my little sister's fifty-shades-of-tomato face is anything to go by, you must be Clarke.”

 

Clarke laughs and your heart melts because you missed that sound. “So it seems. The pleasure is shared Anya.” Clarke offers your sister a large smile and Anya turns back to you.

 

She smirks as she says “I'm sorry lil sis. I think you're screwed.”

 

You open your mouth to fight back but nothing comes out when blue distracts you. She's wearing a blue dress again but this time it is glittering and tight and oh my God so short. Mid thighs. This one too should be forbidden by God.

 

You barely hear her when she says “Ah ! The fish-like gaping mouth is back !” she points at you then turns to Anya “Is she always like that ?”

 

“Oh no. That's a premiere actually. And I think her jaw just gave up the fight. She was always pouting and grinding her teeth when she was little. Maybe the muscles holding her mouth close finally went on vacation.”

 

Immediately your mouth close.

 

People could probably cook eggs on your face at this point you think. Or maybe melt metallic objects. Warm a room in winter even, because you're just so embarrassed your cheeks burn like a raging fire.

 

But Clarke laughs again, along with Anya and you loose yourself in it. You black out so well that you don't register how she's now in front of you tugging at your tie “Come on Miss Suit ya need air.” And she leads you to a balcony like you're her dog on a leash, and you hear Bellamy whistle again and Anya laughing but you don't give a damn.

 

Once on the balcony you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and she chuckles.

 

“You're cute for such a tall, suit kinda girl.”

 

You scratch the fictional itch at the nape of your neck and avert your eyes “I'm the nervous type. Sorry.”

 

“Don't apologize, it's too rare these days. Immortality tends to make people all cocky and proud, full of themselves.”

 

“I tried to impress you by throwing a tomato in a dustbin two years ago. I'm not better.”

 

She smirks and you know that face will haunts your nights for months if not years “Well. I think that's the jaw thing that did it.” You let out a chuckle against your will and you want to answer but she cuts you “You let this fall earlier.” she shakes your cane before your eyes and you take it.

 

“Thanks. Anya thought it was missing.”

 

“Well Anya has good taste. You both have. It suits you.” she says with a smile, adjusting your tie and you feel strangled despite her light touch “The suits I mean. It suits you but... I think you'd look great in a dress.”

 

“Nah. Dresses are your thing. These little traitorous clothes only looks good on beautiful women.” you laugh but she's serious.

 

“They can't look bad on you then.” it cuts your faked amusement short but again your embarrassed mind is too slow for her flow of words “Why blue ?”

 

You shake your head and again you imagine that your neck is itchy “Because I knew you'd wear blue.”

 

She smirks and bites her lower lip and you decide it's your new favorite thing in the world.

 

And she talks. A lot. You both discuss your lives, express all the bad things you think about those parties. You learn that she has a little brother too. His name is Aden and he's kind of in his 'rebellious' phase. You tell her you will never let Gustus turn like that. You also tell her about him, your family, how Marcus and Indra took you in when your stupid parents decided to die and leave Anya and you behind. How Gus arrived only a few decades ago after his father beat him enough for God to take action. You tell her that he never speaks.

 

She tells you about her best friend Niylah that she has known her entire life. Tells you about her turtle, Spookie, that she bought on the black market. She tells you a lot of things but half of those infos are lost because you can't concentrate when she speaks. Because her lips are too attractive when she speaks and you don't understand how people in love can resist the pull.

 

Conversation with her is easy though. So easy and interesting that you think you could spend eternity talking with her and never be bored.

 

You're about to tell her your secret and how much you envy her when you hear it and stop midsentence, your words suddenly irrelevant.

 

 

Cause baby now we got bad blood

 

 

You feel your lips stretch in a smirk. In this moment, you're in love (bromance type) with Bellamy. He knows you won last year's contest with this one, knows that you won't be able to resist.

 

“Come on everyone, time to make some space for the warriors !” he says and God this may be the best evening of your life.

 

You turn to Clarke, don't pay attention to her confused look and take her hand. You lead her to the crowd that has now left the dancefloor. You push people, make your way through and finally reach the ring.

 

“Lexa what are you-” she starts but you shush her, pressing a finger on her lips.

 

“Come on guys I won't wait for you all day !” Bellamy calls again and your smirk stretches even more.

 

You put your cane in her hands and say “Watch me princess.” You wink and walk to the dancefloor and take your place in the center. Around you, you count around fifty other dancers.

 

You're gonna love it.

 

You throw a look at Bellamy and nod your head. He smirks and starts the music.

 

 

Cause baby now we got bad blood

 

 

At the first notes you grab your hat and send it as high in the air as you can. While it's flying you clap your hands twice in rhythm with the music and your outfit changes. Your feminine shoes morph into a pair of white sneakers and your pants into a blue baggie that let the waistband of your black underwear and hipbone show. Your vest looses its sleeves and gains glitters and your tie goes to your wrist and changes into a deep blue wristband. You throw a rapid look at Clarke when your shirt disappears to reveal everything that was hidden under, breasts only covered by white bandages. The girl's eyes widen and you smirk.

 

You have abs. What's the point if you can't show them huh ?

 

You remember she doesn't like it when people try to show off of course but right now, right now it's serious, it's dancing and when you dance you go all the way.

 

When your new clothes have settled on your body you raise an arm catch your hat, placing it back on your head in a swift movement. You hear applause but as much as you want it to be for you only, you know it's because your fellow dancers did the same as you. Other's gazes don't count though as the expression on Clarke's face has changed from surprised and impressed to defying. She raises an eyebrow and nods her head in your direction.

 

She's challenging you and you love it.

 

You wait for the rap to start to finally move. 

 

One day Anya told you how different you looked on a stage, how assured and confident you looked and you can't help but think she must be right as you feel like everything is as it should be in that body you used to hate so much.

 

You hear the beats, the flow of words and it feels natural, like electricity coursing everywhere through your nerve system. Right now you can feel it all, feel your every joints move, every muscles roll under your skin, every hair on your body raise.

 

Your body tenses, angles in a way it usually shouldn't, in a way your suits don't allow. It's a play of your feets, of your hands, of your entire being following a hectic and angry rhythm so not like music but it still is.

 

The instant later though you're fluid like water, slow and precise. Your muscles scream at how slow your pace is, at how they have to strain but appear relaxed. To be good you have to make it look like it's easy, like it's nothing, natural. Your public must not feel the number of hours you spent training in front of a mirror. People have to forget that to come to this result you had to work and repeat the exact same movements for hours.

 

To be good you have to show how fun it is for you and God how fun it is !

 

There's nothing you enjoy more than dancing. You're good in all dances and you love them all but hip hop, modern dances in general, it's your thing, what you love the most, what you're good at.

 

And best of all ? Clarke watches. Every time you can, you chance a glance in her direction and the light is poor but sometimes you catch a smirk, mouthed lyrics, a wink and, when you do that thing with your hips, that really, really suggestive move ; a roll of her eyes.

 

But you can't have eyes only for her because so much more is happening. You see the other dancers around you. They're not beginners for sure but they're not you, they're not the best. Until one walks to you, puffs his chest and nods in your direction.

 

You feel your grin stretch your lips, split your face in two and you accept the challenge.

 

The guys is good. It's undeniable. Too good for you not to know him though. Why don't you know him ?

 

You'll ask later. Now you dance. You move turn after turn and soon all eyes are on you two, howling and whistling, clapping hands to both encourage you and judge you.

 

Yeah the guy is good but he's no match for you. It's your turn and you show off the choreography you invented for the contest last year and, to your surprise, he follows you. He knows the moves and your heart swells at the thought that he saw you dance, that he bothered learning your choreography, that he must love it.

 

You smile at him and dance with even more pleasure than before.

 

And it ends too fast to your liking.

 

After a little bit more than three minutes, the song stops, applause resound and you and your new dancing buddy bow to the crowd reverently. Your heart beats in your chest, the bass still thumping in your head in rhythm with your ragged breath. There's sweat all over your body and you pant heavily but you couldn't care less. You love that moment, the intoxicating sound of hands clapping as you recover from showing your best, what you're proud of. You love the awe and respect in your fellow dancers eyes but more than that you love the smiles and happiness and you can't believe that such crowd would fight if they didn't hide who they are.

 

You try not to look at Clarke because you realize how cocky you've been and that she doesn't like it but of course you fail. You fail because your eyes seem to be drawn to her blue. She is clapping her hands, grinning

 

“It was an honor to dance with you, Heda.” The big man says behind you and you smirk as you turn around.

 

“Please, call me Lexa. You have some good moves, what's your name ?” you extend your hand and he takes it.

 

“Roan.”

 

“Why haven't we met before Roan ?”

 

“I never do competition. I just like to dance. I do came to watch you though.”

 

“Well if you come back next year, make yourself known, I'll have you jump on stage with me.” you see him smile but his mouth open to talk and you know he'll try to argue. You raise a hand “This is not a negotiation, you'll dance with me on the Contest's stage.”

 

He smirks and you don't know why, there's something in his blue eyes, a spark of cockiness and mischievousness that you find interesting “Sha Heda.” he answers, bowing slightly and you can't help but puff your chest in pride.

 

But as interesting this new friend seems to be, there's even more interesting waiting for you.

 

“Again, it was a pleasure. And see you soon.”

 

He nods and waves and you're not surprised when three girls run at him. You roll your eyes with a smile before turning back to where Clarke's stands. You gather all the strength the adrenaline still coursing in your veins provides you and you approach.

 

“Heda ?”

 

You shrug nonchalantly but you know your tone is dripping cockiness as you answer “It's slang. Means Commander. 'Cause I've been winning the Inter H Modern Dance Contest for ten times in a row.”

 

She hums and seems to consider something before stating “Not bad

 

She bites her lower lip and slips the top of your cane under your bindings between your breasts and pulls you to her. It's the hottest thing you've ever seen you think and your mouth goes dry in a second. When your body is almost pressed against hers you stop. Her eyes roam over your body from your abdomen to your chest, to your face and you gulp.

 

Finally she smirks and says “So... Princess, huh ?”

 

You blush, embarrassment striking again and you're back in your shell, asking God why this girl has so much power on you.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

“Don't you envy humans sometimes ?” she asks you as you're both sitting on a bench in the garden.

 

“Hm ?” you ask, distracted by the shoe she's letting hang on her toes, showing her perfectly shaped heel.

 

“I mean, they have a goal.”

 

She sounds serious so you tear your eyes from her foot reluctantly and try to convince yourself your own hands are more interesting to look at. “Which one ?”

 

“Survival.”

 

She turns to you and there's something in her eyes telling you that it is an important subject and you shouldn't mess up like you always do when Marcus brings up humans. You question but stay neutral “In what is that a good thing ?”

 

“They can appreciate things better.”

 

“How come ?”

 

“Well you know, their lives are so short they always try to do as much as they can in that amount of time and I find it amazing.”

 

“But they can't do everything, they barely have the time to settle their lives and enjoy it before they die. It must be frustrating.”

 

“Yeah but they live at some point right ?”

 

You don't understand her point. You don't understand in what surviving is enviable for beings like you “We live forever.”

 

“Do we though ?”

 

You frown “What do you mean ?”

 

“I mean, what is life, if not the prequel to death ? God made us so that we don't die because they had realised that, on Earth, Life cannot be without Death. What lives dies, it's Earth's rule, it's how it works and what maintains balance. There must be a reason right ?”

 

If it was your tutor, you'd argue, you'd tell her that it's only because unlike you, Life's principle is not perfect. You'd tell her that God took the best and threw the bad. But somehow, because of those shiny blue eyes you can't describe, you give it a shot. You hum as you think, consider what she said. You've never been good at it though, questioning your life. You've never wanted to because your parents abandoned you, they left you behind because of that kind of reasoning and you don't want to leave. You don't want to leave anyone behind like your damn parents did. But you can't tell her that. You don't want her to see how stubborn and close minded you are nor can you brush the question off with an 'I don't know' so you push her further “If you're right then we don't have a goal.”

 

“Exactly !” she seems happy and you pat yourself on the shoulder. You said the good words. “And if we don't have a goal, then what do our actions mean in the end ? I mean, if I want to learn violin, I have all the time in the world to do it so I can just play one day then don't for years then play again non stop for a week and stop once more. In the end I will learn how to play violin but does it really mean something ? I won't have made a single effort to do it. Who would recognize something that has been obtain without effort ? Eternity, time make us nonchalant and lazy because we can always push things to tomorrow. What do our actions mean ?”

 

“I don't know about violin but there are things I enjoy. I enjoy spending time with my family, make them happy” you pause for an instant and gulp, averting your eyes “I enjoy making you smile. I do what I have to to make it happen. I come to these parties, I help Marcus organizing family events and sometimes I play dumb just for a smile.” You turn back to her “And it's worth it.”

 

She smiles, a light blush on her cheeks but she counters “Yeah but because you can lose your family,” she pauses and offers you a silent apology “And you see me only once a year. Our time together is limited Lexa. It's limited to an evening by year and that's why-” she trails of, mouth opening and closing, struggling at finding her words and you hold your breath for some reason, your heart pacing a little bit faster. “That's why I enjoy your company so much, that's why I can enjoy just sitting there on a bench talking with you.”

 

A part of you is disappointed and you can't decipher why but you shut it down when a deep, heart breaking sigh escapes her parted lips making your heart sink deep.

 

“This meaningless existence of ours, don't we deserve better than that ?”

 

She asks to nobody in particular, her eyes loosing themselves on the perfectly green grass. Her shoulders fall entirely and for a moment she looks tired, truly tired, like exhausted by something you can't quite understand but you wish to take it away. You place a hand under her chin and turn her head to you.

 

“Maybe we do.” You don't know where the words came from but you're grateful because her features relax. You smile and lean in to kiss her forehead. When you pull back she's smirking.

 

“You kiss me a lot.”

 

You blush. You really do. But you play dumb. “You think so ?”

 

She chuckles “Yeah. What if we fixed a limit ?”

 

“What ?” you say, louder and harsher than intended “Why ? What's your problem with limits and ends tonight ?”

 

“Oh come on ! See it as an experiment ! To prove you my theory is right. Help me please...” she fakes a pout and you can't resist. You sigh. She squeals. “Thank you, thank you, thank you Lexa !” she says, bouncing, clapping her hands and you wonder if you're not already regretting your agreement. “Ok, let's accord you one kiss for each year we've known each other. Which, if we count today, makes five. You have five kisses left to give me.” she declares proudly and you'd probably be sad if the glint of excitement in her blue eyes wasn't so endearing.

 

“Fine.” You take her left hand and kiss her knuckles.

 

She smiles and says “One.”

 

You lean closer and kiss her shoulder.

 

“Two.”

 

You kiss her neck and she giggles.

 

“Three.”

 

You slip a hand on the nape of her neck and pull her to you. You kiss her temple.

 

“Four.”

 

You put some distance between your faces and your gaze lingers just a few seconds on those lips that are not smiling anymore before boring into that particular blue, the blue of Clarke's eyes. She holds her breath and closes them. You lean down and kiss her, right at the corner of her lips. You stay still for a few seconds before pulling back. Smiling at her you whisper “Five.”

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

You're late today. You're late because Gus had a panic attack and you couldn't calm him down.

 

Now you're pacing in the elevator, nervous, sorry, pissed, tense, sad. Because the party is almost over and she probably left already.

 

But there's a tiny chance you can catch her in time. You've ran to take the elevator so you're not dressed up like you'd usually be. You're not wearing a suit but casual jeans and short sleeved shirt left open to show your tank top. You could change in a second of course, use your powers but for some reason how you look feels irrelevant.

 

The elevator dings. The doors are not fully open when you storm outside.

 

The room is calm, too calm. Half of the people left already and your heart sinks “I missed her...” you say out loud and you want to cry but no. 'No', you tell yourself, 'You haven't even tried yet.'

 

So you run.

 

Your feet guide you to the balcony of your rendez-vous and when you reach it your heart stops.

 

She's there in a dark blue skirt, translucent white t-shirt and blue bra, her back turned to you. As always her hair is magnificent, gold glowing under the dying lights of the party, cascading over her shoulders and in her back in light curls. You know it smells like honey.

 

The sight is breathtaking.

 

“You're late.” she states coldly but you feel the corner of your lips stretch into an uncontrollable smile. 

 

“Not too late.” you approach her slowly and you realize with each measured step how even a centimeter is too much between you and her.

 

“I thought you'd never come.” her voice is distant but she's at arm reach. You put your hands on her hips and close the distance entirely, pressing your bodies together.

 

“I'm sorry.” you whisper in her neck.

 

“I'm mad.” she says and you use your first kiss of the year on her temple.

 

“I got to see you.” Your right hand takes hers and your other arm wraps around her waist.

 

“I've been waiting.” you bring her hand to your lips and kiss her knuckles.

 

“The fear to miss you almost killed me.”

 

She snorts “Nothing can kill us.”

 

You kiss her shoulder “You're deadly to me.”

 

She turns in your embrace and when her eyes meet yours, she's smiling “You're really hard to be mad at you know that right ?”

 

You smile and bend down to kiss her cheek “Says the girl who almost sent me back home for a bow tie a few years ago.”

 

She laughs and it's music to your ears.

 

Music ?

 

You listen and realize that the musicians are still playing. You hear the strings, the woodwinds, the brass, the percussions and the rhythm couldn't be more perfect. You take a step back, bows and kiss the back of her hand.

 

“Will you waltz with me Princess ?”

 

A light blush colors her cheeks and she smiles that smile that never fail to melt your heart.

 

She nods “You're lucky you're cute.”

 

“I'm not cute, I'm elegant.” you correct as you lead her to the almost empty dancefloor.

 

“You're in jeans and your hair is a mess.”

 

You smirk and puffs your chest “I'm still elegant.”

 

You're in the middle of the marble area in the center of the room when she admits with a grin “You're right.”

 

She rests a hand on your shoulder and raises one for you to take. You comply and your other hand finds her hip.

 

And you dance.

 

She lets you lead her, following the slow rhythm of the waltz. Your feet, your body know the moves so you allow yourself to get lost in those eyes you love so much and still fail to describe with words.

 

“What happened ?” she asks, her hand slowly trailing up to find refuge in your hair at the back of your head.

 

“We don't wear nor own belts at home because they scare my brother. A neighbor came to see us. He had one in his hand. Gus saw it and panicked.”

 

She starts scratching your neck soothingly and whispers “Is he alright now ?”

 

You nod and close your eyes, relaxing at the touch. And finally you say it “I'm sorry. This date was awful.”

 

“I got to see you. Dance with you. I’m happy with that.”

 

You still and your eyes open to bore in hers “You're satisfied ?”

 

She looks offended when she counters “Satisfied ? Of course I'm not satis-” she stops when she sees your growing smile and slaps your shoulder “You just wanted to make me say it out loud didn't you ?” You smirk and her jaw drops but she's smiling as she hits your arms playfully. You know she wants to look angry but she can't hold back her grin, that shit eating grin that makes you shiver.

 

You grab both of her wrists and kiss her forehead. Then the corner of her eye, the tip of her nose, the mole above her lips and then... You stop and pull back.

 

She frowns “You have one left.”

 

You smile widely.

 

She kept count.

 

“I know. But can I keep it for another year ?”

 

She's intrigued you think, and just nods.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

You're nervous. More nervous than you've ever been in your entire life. The elevator used to scare you but today the metallic beast has no power over you. It has no power because you fear worse.

 

“Relax honey, you look beautiful.” Indra says in her most maternal voice but it doesn't help at all.

 

“No, I don't. It was a bad idea. I'm going home.” you're about to press the button to go back home when Anya slaps the back of your hand hard enough to draw an “Ouch !” out of your mouth.

 

“There's no way I'm letting you run away after the time I spent on making you look out of this world and all the others. I'm not letting you give up like that, not after weeks of sewing you the perfect dress.”

 

Dress.

 

Just the word makes you shudder. It never suited you. Never. Not as a kid, not as a teen, not now, never. And it will never be you.

 

But Clarke asked for it, made plans with your sister in your back last year and now you're going to the party in a black dress with a red sash around your waist.

 

You feel exposed despite the length of the loose piece of cloth 'covering' your body. If it wasn't for your heels, the black material would be reaching the ground. No, the real problem is your arms and back. The stupid thing is only held to your frame by thin shoulder straps and exposes your back almost entirely.

 

“I'm going home.” you say again and the previous scene repeats itself “Ouch ! Jeez...” you rub your now throbbing hand “But Anya, what if-”

 

“What if nothing at all ! You can't know until you actually try ! So you'll go and she'll see you and won't be able to resist you one more second. Heaven ! She may even fuck you on the spot !”

 

Your breath catches in your throat and this time it's Marcus' turn to be violent. He hits the back of your sister's head “Language !”

 

“But it's true ! She's irresistible ! If she wasn't my sister I-” He slaps her again and almost out of instinct (or disgust you're not sure) your hand flies to the button of the elevator and is only stopped by your little brother's fingers around your wrist. He looks at you in his most adult way and suddenly you're curious, expect something extraordinary, something big.

 

All you receive is a way too serious thumb up.

 

He's super cute though so you surrender in a sighed “Fine.”

 

Until the doors open.

 

“Yep. Nope. Going ho-”

 

“For fuck's sake Lexa don't be such a chicken !”

 

“Language !”

 

Anya ignores your tutor and takes your hand while Gustus takes the other. They exchange a knowing nod and pull you forward, out of this cage you were starting to grow fond of.

 

Once inside your heart stops and it's hard to breathe. You have your siblings next to you, your tutors behind you but you're still so insecure you're going crazy. But there's something else underneath, some kind of curiosity and excitement, barely here but still full of truth so you try to concentrate on them. You try to tell yourself that even if you don't want her to see you so vulnerable and ridiculous, you also really, really, really want to know what she thinks. You're scared of rejection but at the same time, at the same time you hope that somehow she'll love in you what you'd like to love in yourself, that she'll see all of what you are and still take it.

 

Anya and Gustus are tugging at your hands and only then you realize you've stopped walking “Come on Lexa, don't force me to push you !”

 

“Need some help th- Holy shit !” A familiar smirking voice exclaims and you just want to die because you know you'll never hear the end of it. “Lexa damn...” the girl approaches you with some wicked grin on her lips “If I had known...” she leans her body against yours and you let her do just because Anya's gasp is priceless. “Maybe I would've chosen the younger sister.”

 

“Raven ! You little shit come here !”

 

The brunette woman laughs out loud and starts running, Anya in toe. And it's ridiculous. High heeled overly loud women playing cat and mouse is just ridiculous.

 

And helpful.

 

For some reason you feel like you can breathe again now, no, you laugh even and even if the butterflies in your stomach won't calm down, you feel more at ease. Indra and Marcus watch with you the gag scene that is starting to draw attention with smiles on your faces until your idiotic sister claps her hands.

 

And make black leather handcuffs appear on her girlfriend's wrists, a red gag in her mouth and chains at her ankles.

 

Of course Raven falls on the floor and you all run to them, worried. But Anya is not finished. She snaps her fingers and a large red collar with a leash appears at Raven's neck.

 

Indra hides Gustus' eyes and Kane just sigh in despair. If only it was the first time this happened...

 

As your sister crouches to take the leash, grinning like a wolf, Raven throws you a pleading look and you roll your eyes. You clap your hands, freeing Raven entirely. The black haired woman smirks like the devil she is and it's her turn to use magic and put a collar around Anya's neck.

 

But Anya doesn't have the time to complain though because an instant later Raven's lips are at the corner of her mouth and both still. You're almost scared for a second because really, their lips are almost touching and- And Anya seems just so sad. When Raven pulls back she's smiling but it's not the kind of smile that had you call her a fox. It's tender and reassuring but useless against the dark clouds in your sister's eyes.

 

You feel like an intruder but you can't help but stare. You see Raven's hands brush Anya's cheek, her thumb stroking under her eye and your sister lean in the touch.

 

And your heart ache in a way it never did because you realize how much Anya loves Raven and how painful their situation must be.

 

Hands clapping bring you back to reality. Indra, Marcus and your brother have left and all that's left around Anya's neck is a necklace with a dark red stone matching her dress.

 

“So you went all the way huh ?”

 

Raven asks you and you feel your blush coming back “She wanted me to wear a dress.” you explains, voice way too insecure to your liking.

 

She smiles at you genuinely “You're beautiful.”

 

Your cheeks combust because she just sounds too honest and you're not used to that coming from her. And then you realize.

 

“Hey ! And me !?”

 

Anya says and Raven can't hold back her laugh any longer. Damn. That girl really knows how to manipulate you and your sister. Maybe it's in the genes...

 

You feel more relaxed though, her dumbness being terribly contagious as always and you can't blame Anya for succumbing to the brunette's charms. Still. There's something in your guts screaming you that it's not where you're supposed to be, not where you want to be, not the people with whom you have to be.

 

You realize after minutes that you can't hear your sister's old married couple scene anymore and that your eyes are searching in the crowd, that your heart skips a beat at every glimpse of blue you catch. You wonder where she is and you want to search and find her but somehow you can't bring your feet to work, somehow all you can do is wait. Because you're still scared you think. Because there's still this pull inside of you telling you to run away because there's no way she wants to see you again after that. There's still this irrational fear of rejection that years of side glances and mockery engraved in your bones and that you can't fight on your own. You don't move because you want her to find you, want her to be the one to come at you. You want her to take your hand and keeps you from running away again, want her to help you get through something your weak self can't handle.

 

And magic happens.

 

With a little help but it still does.

 

You see your little brother dragging a blonde girl in blue out of the crowd. You see her stumble and almost fall, his eagerness pulling too hard at her surprised body. You want to smile as you imagine your mute little brother try to explain her why he's being so rude but you can't. Your facial muscles can't smile, stuck in a hopeful yet scared expression, expressing your need to rush back or forward.

 

Then you see him points at you.

 

And you watch her see you.

 

She stops in her tracks, chasing all air out of your lungs, squeezing your heart hard, killing the angry butterflies that you thought had taken permanent residence in the pit of your stomach.

 

You don't know how long this instant lasts. You don't know what she thinks. Hell you barely understand what's happening in your own head. But your eyes see. See her lips part slightly, see her eyes widen, see her cheeks blush, see her hand fly to her mouth.

 

And when she takes a step forward, you step back. You don't want to but your body reacts on its own and you step back. She frowns angrily and you gulp. Suddenly you don't know what you'll regret the most but you'll regret something for sure.

 

Her next steps are more assured and fast and you stumble backwards, raising your hands in surrender. Surrender to what ? You don't know. Yet.

 

She's angry when she reaches you, angry when she enters your personal space and you close your eyes, drawing in a deep breath that you hold inside, waiting for her fury to strike.

 

But it doesn't come.

 

Instead you feel small fingers wrap around your wrists and when you open your eyes and look down you see that blue you can't name stare at you pleadingly. “Never run away from me.” you know it was meant to be an order but really it sounds like a demand. Once you can't say no to. But you can't trust your voice and just nod timidly. She smiles and you relax. You relax because an instant later her lips are on your cheeks, a hand at the nape of your neck, the other in your back and she's there. And she's not mocking you. And she's not going away. And you're crying.

 

She pulls back with a frown and your tears are thicker with each delicate scratch at your scalp.

 

“I think you broke her.” you hear Anya say from somewhere, words teasing but tone soft. You want to tell her to shut up to be a good sis and just disappear but you only cry harder, sobbing and you know you just ruined your make up but you can't help it.

 

“Lexa what is it ?” Clarke asks you, worried, her hands cupping your wet cheeks and you try to smile, tell her it's nothing but what you've bottled up for years are flowing out and you can't stop it. She peppers kisses on your face, pulls back to smile at you “You know I didn't say it to be mean right ? It's just- I don't want you to run away. I- Yeah I just- Because I-” she stutters, internally fights with something, words you want to hear but finally she states “I want you to stay with me.”

 

You nod and moan an ok and a second later you're laughing. You don't know what's funny but you feel like laughing and you take her hands away from your jaw, intertwine your fingers and rest your forehead on hers. “It- It's n- not you.” you manage to stutter between a laugh and a sob, your emotions heaving your chest too violently for you to say more.

 

“Okay.” is all she says.

 

You both close your eyes and wait for you to calm down. Which seems to happen years later. When your capacity to think comes back there's a need inside you you've never felt before, there's something you've wished to feel for centuries maybe since the very moment you were born.

 

You sniffle inelegantly and smile widely. You take her hand and say “I have something to show you.” You lead her to the garden in a rush, adrenaline flooding your body, body that feels weak and numb from all those tears you let free. Your angel, divine body feels weak and you enjoy it because it doesn't happen often. Because it hadn't happened in a thousand years at least.

 

Still in a hurry, you search for a good spot. You see a bench and can't hold back a “Perfect.” You make her sit on the old marble piece of furniture “Wait a minute.” you tell her. She looks confused but she's smiling and more confidence floods your chest.

 

You snap your fingers and tall bushes grow all around you, forming a protective circle, one you hope will protect you from prying eyes and you hope, God's. Or so you tell yourself because really you couldn't care less about the consequences of what you're about to do.

 

When you feel like you're protected enough, you turn back to her and the fear is back for an instant. But no, you're not afraid. And it's a test. If she stays after that then... You shake your head. She won't run away. And even if it's risky, you want to show her. You want her to see.

 

“After all this setting and suspense, if it's not at least amazing, I'm gonna be mad.” she humors and you laugh.

 

“Oh it's big. On all levels.”

 

She frowns but grins “Should I be afraid ?”

 

“You ? No. But to be honest, I'm terrified.” you blurt out, surprising yourself with how raw you are for her right now, how raw and vulnerable. But really what surprises you the most is that you don't care. She could crush your heart and you wouldn't care because the feeling of pride and confidence in yourself make it all worth it.

 

Her blue eyes smile at you and just says “Good.”

 

You chuckle and walk to her. You want to kiss her. For just an instant you hesitate before bending down, tilting her head up with a hand under her chin and kissing her cheek. Just like that. Just her cheek. It's meaningless and meaningful, it's something everyone does but that for some reason you had never done yet. When you pull back you say “First of thirteen.” and her blue eyes are wide, staring at you and the plump skin under them is pink. You giggle and she turns her head to the side.

 

With pouty lips she scolds “Will you stop beating around the bush and show me ?”

 

“Well technically we're IN the bushes.”

 

“Lexa !” she stands and she's pissed and you laugh.

 

“Sorry. Give me a minute.” you tell her as you step back. You concentrate, do as Marcus taught you. You empty your mind, appease your heart and close your eyes. You can't really feel them yet but you hear the familiar, shameful but somehow reassuring and liberating noise of feather against feather behind you. It lasts a minute or so. A minute of almost silence as you wait for your wings to grow to their full size. When you feel them move on command, you crack an eye open and Clarke is still in front of you but she doesn't look pissed anymore.

 

Now her jaw is hanging low, her brows are furrowed together and you start to sweat, to worry so you start rambling “You can say it you know ? I'm used to it. I mean when I was a child I heard a lot so go ahead.” But she stays silent. Slowly she walks around you, disappearing from your sight. She observes your wings and you can't read her mind at all. So you keep going “I know I'm a failure as an angel. Our wings are supposed to be white right ? Grey in the worst cases but mine are black. The little crow of the district.” You laugh at the old nickname with which too many kids and adults stabbed you in the past. You jump when she runs her palm on the small feathers, those closest to your back. “Clarke what are you-” you start but stops when her arms wrap around your waist from behind and you realize she's between your wings, her face nudging the nape of your neck. “Clarke ?”

 

You hear a sob and you want to turn around but both her arms tightening their grip and your wings keep you from moving. You feel her trembling in your back and all you can do is rest your arms over hers “What is it ? Tell me Clarke.” she shakes her head “What's wrong ? Please at least let me see you !” you plea but she shakes her head again and a moaned 'no' gets lost between your shoulder blades.

 

You stay like that for a long moment and you don't know what to think, what to expect. But what you weren't expecting at all are Clarke's next words.

 

“You're an idiot.”

 

They sounds so surreal you think you've misheard “Pardon me ?”

 

“You're the biggest idiot this place has ever seen !”

 

Your heart sinks and you want to turn around but her grip is iron “Clarke let go !”

 

“No.” she squeezes your middle harder to the point it hurts.

 

“Cl-”

 

“You're beautiful.”

 

“Wha-”

 

“You're beautiful in a suit, you're beautiful in a dress, your wings are magnificent and you're an idiot for ever thinking otherwise.”

 

You think you're about to cry again but there's a smile on your lips and a sun in your chest because that's what you've always wanted to hear. Her arms retract and finally you step forward and turn around, careful, raising your wings as hard as you can not to hit her by accident.

 

Her make up too is ruined but it doesn't matter. You open your arms to her and, eyes on the grass, she takes the offer and hugs you. Her hands find their place at the base of your wings and her face hides on your chest. Your arms wrap around her, loose but concrete and here. Your mouth kisses the crown of her head, your nose inhaling deep, flooding your lungs with honey perfumed air.

 

“Why are you crying ?” you whisper softly.

 

Silence falls and she seems to be thinking. Finally she confess “I can't tell you. One day, one day I will for sure but right now I can't. It has nothing to do with you though.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“It's true. It's not you.”

 

You snort “Sure.”

 

She pulls back and is frowning angrily “It is the truth.”

 

Your hands cup her cheeks and you kiss the creased space between her eyebrows “I believe you princess. I'm more than aware that some things take time.” you smile and she chuckles. Then as if she was suddenly remembering something her eyes widen.

 

“Talking about time, your wings are way too huge, how fucking old are you !?”

 

You think “Good question.” you try to count, try to remember and soon it becomes terribly annoying because the truth is that “I can't remember...”

 

“You kidding me.”

 

“No, no ! I swear ! I mean I know I'm at least a thousand years.”

 

She takes a step back “A thou- Oh God THAT's some age gap...”

 

“What do you mean ?” she places a hand on her mouth as if she had just revealed some kind of secret and you're even more curious “Clarke ?”

 

“Nothing.” she gulps and takes a few steps back.

 

“Clarke...” you warn, trying to stay serious but her grin is too large for you not to match it. “Tell me.”

 

“Make me.” she smirks and sticks out her tongue.

 

You cross your arms on your chest, extend your wings and flap. She squeals as your wind blows her azure skirt up. You smirk “Blue. Knew it.”

 

“UNFAIR !”

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

You're in the garden, walking slowly in a comfortable silence, her small hand in yours and you're happy. You've had a perfect evening. As usual you drank, ate and danced. You talked and you've used thirteen of your fourteen allowed kisses already. You have no regrets though because each was delicious, each was important.

 

But then out of nowhere she tenses and stops.

 

“Ah.” she says, both surprised and disappointed before untangling her hand from yours. You frown and look back at her. She's holding her arm between the two of you, showing her wrist where her white bracelet is twinkling.

 

“It's the signal that you shall leave.” you say, half questioning, half stating.

 

She sighs “Yeah... I'm sorry.”

 

You expect her to just run away like she always does but she stays, seems hesitant so you take your chance and ask “What is this thing ?” you point to the discreet object at her wrist and a sad smile tugs at her lips.

 

And for an instant you want to kiss her pain away.

 

“It's like... It's like an alarm. For some reasons I'm bad at hiding my wings. When my power wears off, this bracelet starts to glows and I know I have to go home.”

 

“It shouldn't be that bad if people saw it I think. Since with mine nothing happened.”

 

You see her chew on her bottom lip nervously, searching for words and you start to regret you ever asked. You're about to tell her that she doesn't have to say anything when finally she answers “Once my power wears off, I can't hide my wings right away. It usually lasts a few hours but it can extend to days. I can't risk everyone seeing them. I'm sorry Lexa...”

 

As painful as it is to let her go, as sad as you are to say goodbye, as horrible the simple idea of having to wait an entire year to meet her again is, you close the distance and take her hands. You rest your forehead on hers and whispers “I understand.”

 

“But you showed me yours, it's not fair...”

 

Her voice is weak and broken and you want to hug her and keep her there against you until the end but you know you can't so you just smile and tell her what she taught you a year ago “Our wings don't define us. I don't need them to know who you are Clarke.”

 

She takes a step forward and presses herself against you, buries her face in your chest. You feel more than hear her say “Thank you.” and your answer is your last allowed kiss, on the crown of her head. You stay like that until a high pitched 'beep' coming from the bracelet breaks the silence.

 

She takes a deep breath and pulls back. Her eyes are teary when they bore into yours but she doesn't let you the time to react. She kisses your cheek and says a quick “See you next year.” before tearing herself from you to run away.

 

She and her warmth against you, her fingers between yours are long gone when you answer “See you next year.”

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

“They look so happy.”

 

You follow Clarke's eyes and look at Raven and Anya dancing some kind of very... sensual, yeah let's say sensual, dancing some kind of very sensual choreography on a way too electronic music. “You're right. It's the hundredth anniversary of their meeting after all.”

 

“Wait really ?”

 

“Mhm.” you lean on the balcony's railing and smile “They've been together for-” you count in your head “Seventy four years.”

 

“That's long.”

 

Her smile drops and you know what she's thinking. That unlike the two of you they're opposites. Unlike you tonight they won't connect their lips. You blush at the thought. You promised Anya you would but kiss Clarke and you've been dying to do so since your second encounter fourteen years ago but for some reason, every time you've had the occasion, you've avoided it. You wonder if you should ask first. If it wouldn't be too bold to assume that she trusts you enough to let you kiss her. But then you remember all those times she let her kiss the corner of her lips like it was nothing and you feel braver. You open your arms with a smile, silently inviting her.

 

She closes the distance between your bodies slowly, her smile growing with each steps she takes. You'll do it, you think. You'll kiss those smiling lips. You look at them and brace yourself but when her arms snake under your vest and around your waist, when your eyes meet hers your determination deflates like a balloon.

 

And you kiss her forehead.

 

“In need of cuddles Commander ?”

 

You smirk at the nickname she uses from time to time when she wants to tease you “Always, Princess.” you purr in her ear before kissing the soft patch of skin right behind her ear. She turns her head to the side to give you better access and really you wonder why you're so hesitant when she's just so open.

 

That's when the most perfect, most cliché song that could play tonight starts. You grin and she seems to understand because with a smirk she tugs at your tie, pulls you to the center of the balcony. You follow her with, and you're sure of it, the goofiest smile on your face and the best kind of blush on your cheeks. You never thought you'd love ties so much.

 

She slips her over your shoulders, her hands at the nape of your neck, gently scratching. It makes you melt and she knows it. It's like a switch and God she knows how to use it. Your hands wrap over her hipbone and you rest your temple on hers, leading her softly.

 

They made the intro longer you notice and you secretly thank The King for the for the few additional measures. And for this song too of course. You've never thought you'd thank him for what follows though.

 

You expect Elvis's low, velvety voice but what you hear is another one entirely. He's singing of course but you're deaf to his voice as all you can hear is Clarke's.

 

“Wise men say, only fools rush in.”

 

Husky and low, it's Clarke's voice in your ears, Clarke's smiling lips forming the words, Clarke's eyes looking at you in awe. It's Clarke talking to you and you wonder how your body is still moving because you're stunned inside.

 

“But I can't help, falling in love with you.”

 

You gulp. Because she's grinning, because one of her hands left your nape for your chest where she plays with your tie, because it's a confession and the butterflies, those damn butterflies are doing weird things in your stomach.

 

“Shall I stay.”

 

Suddenly she stops dancing and her smile drops.

 

“Would it be a sin.”

 

Her arms fall to her sides, her eyes to your chest and her voice trembles.

 

“If I can't-”

 

She trails off, her mouth hanging open as tears flood her eyes. You frown, don't understand. Everything was going so well, why ? “Clarke ? Clarke what's wrong ?” you take her by her shoulders, shake her gently.

 

She takes a deep, shaky breath and looks up at you and you swear you've never seen this blue so desperate and shattered. She shakes her head, the corner of her lips trembling as she says “I'm sorry,” she sobs “I'm so sorry Lexa.”

 

She steps back, but you catch her wrists, bringing her back against you “What is it ? Clarke tell me ?” you try to keep your voice nice but when she averts her eyes and shakes her head, you insist “Clarke !”

 

“I lied to you.” she admits and your heart stops beating. On what did she lie ? You want to know, want to ask, want answers, want to be mad. But you can't be angry when your heart is broken by Clarke, the one you love crumbling in your arms “I- I- The b-bracelet, it's-”

 

“Shhh it's ok. It's ok.” you hold her close “Whatever it is, you can tell me.” rub her shaking back “I won't be mad I promise.”

 

As much as you wish you could believe your own words, you don't. You don't because you know you'll be mad, you know you'll be hurt. She'll reject you, you think. You don't know why but it's this for sure, it can't be anything else. She'll reject you and she'll break your heart like your parents did and you curse to yourself in your head for being fool enough to show her who you are, for giving yourself to her.

 

Yet you hold her. You can't loosen your embrace, you can't let go. You know it's over but your embrace tighten, wish to take away her pain despite knowing what she'll do. As she sobs in your arms, her cries resounding in your chest, you prepare mentally. You brace yourself, prepare for the mess she'll make out of you.

 

It takes her a long moment to recover, to calm down enough to talk but when she does, you hold your breath because that's it, that's the moment she'll crush you.

 

“I love you Lexa.” You freeze. You open your mouth to talk but no sound come out. You're relieved but confused and you feel like you can't breath because it's too good to be true. She licks her lips, swallows and pursue.

 

“I take pills. Meds to help me hide my wings. I've been doing so for as long as I can remember because I was ashamed of them. But the pills are not perfect. The bracelet helps me know when the effects are about to wear off so that I can hide if I need to.” She pauses for a moment to take a few deep breaths “At first, I didn't want to show you because- because for the first time in forever I had an interest in someone and I didn't want you to see what I'm ashamed of but-”

 

“But I showed you mine.” you don't know where it comes from but your tone is harsh and you hate yourself for it. You feel her tense and pull back.

 

“I- I know. But I couldn't show you. Because I loved you too much, I thought things could continue as they were, that I could be happy with what we had but I couldn't. I can't, I'm sorry, it has to stop.”

 

“But why, if you love me then-”

 

“You don't understand !” she shouts, angry but eyes puffy and sad.

 

You clench your jaw “Yeah I don't. I need you to explain Clarke”

 

She closes her eyes and breathe and you see it appear. You see the glitters in Clarke's back, like some silver powder in suspension, like thousands of tiny lights shining and you realise what she's doing. “Clarke wait ! There are people around !” you whisper, scared and angry but as you tug on her arm, she doesn't move, her feet are glued to the ground and soon you understand.

 

As her wings appear you understand everything.

 

Bony and skinny, small and featherless, white when they should be a dark shade of red.

 

You're shocked to say the least. So shocked you don't even know what to say. You understand her rejection, her fears her tears because now you share them.

 

“I'm a demon Lexa.” She states the obvious with teary eyes through trembling lips in a shaky voice “I- You were so demon-like that, I assumed you were like me... I gave us a chance because I was sure you were a demon, like me but two years ago, when you showed me I- I just couldn't tell you because, I didn't want this to end !”

 

In this moment, in this very moment everything makes sense. Why you were so attracted to another angel when you just know this kind of couple never work. Why you craved her so much. Why you avoided her lips for so many years. Without even knowing somehow your body had sensed it. Something deep inside it was an evidence.

 

Clarke is a demon.

 

You fall on your knees, eyes on the ground. Because really what else can you do ? You've seen what this kind of relationship did to your parents, what it's doing to your sister. You know the emptiness and frustration, the craving of something you can graze but never get.

 

And that's what your future will be made off.

 

“And it has to end.”

 

Your eyes shoot up “Cla- wait no !” just in time to see the tears on her cheeks before she turns her back on you and starts running. “Clarke !” you call as you try to stand but your legs don't obbey “Come on !” you can't stand. You're frozen in place and you're crying in frustration and pain and a hundred of other things you can't describe.

 

You curl on yourself and scream.

 

You know Anya's tears but you know her smiles too and just like her, you'd rather have a hard future than no future at all.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

When you see her, you can't believe it. You can't believe it because it's been ten years. You can't believe it because she's wearing black when in all your memories and fantasies she wears blue. You can't believe it because the words you have trusted then doubted then tried to forget are starting to make sense again.

 

'Why would she be here if it wasn't for you ? If she didn't love you ?' The voice in your head asks but you just can't let yourself listen, be receptive to hope when it crushed your heart so many times already.

 

And yet it's here. It's here like it has always been, like it was twenty four years ago before your second encounter.

 

You don't know about her but you're sure of one thing : you're in love with her. She ran away, she betrayed your trust but there are butterflies in your stomach, a smile on your face a warmth in your chest. You love her.

 

Which is why you run, run to catch her before she can vanish again.

 

She's turning her back on you, her bare back, her back made heavy by years of lies and secrets.

 

“Clarke !” you call and she barely has the time to turn back before your arms are around her, pinning her against you. “Clarke.” you repeat as you realize how much you have missed her name on your tongue. You bury your nose in her hair and inhale deeply. A smell of honey floods your sinuses, confirming what your eyes saw, proving you that she's there.

 

You hear a muffled 'Effa' and you know your embrace is too tight but you can't let go, you can't let her go again. “Clarke.”

 

She squirms in your arms, turns so that you're chest to chest and somehow her chin is on your shoulder “Lexa.” she says in a short breath and you think it may be the end of the world because after those ten years of dreaming her saying your name it's finally happening in reality and it's too vivid to be real, too wonderful not to be a prequel to something bad. “Clarke” you don't know why you repeat her name because really you have so many words to say but somehow it's all you can mutter. You're too happy, to overwhelmed, to think past “Clarke.”

 

But she can think past 'Lexa' apparently because she says “I'm sorry.”

 

For an instant your beating heart stops and sinks because it's a reminder of what she did to you but you can't stay mad. You can't be mad right now because the overwhelming joy of having her in your arms is too strong and because despite all of what happened, you love her. “It's ok.” you whisper.

 

Her arms slip under yours and her hands find your back “I'm sorry.”

 

“Clarke.”

 

“I'm sorry...” her voice cracks at this one and you hold her harder.

 

“Clarke.”

 

“I am so, so sorry Lexa.” Her breathing is loud.

 

“Clarke.”

 

“Lexa, I'm sorry.” her face is in the crook of your neck, wetting your skin.

 

“Clarke.”

 

“Lexa !”

 

 

 

Her hand is still in yours when you sit on the bench. Your mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and your crazy heart won't stop beating. She, on another hand, has never looked so sad and tired. Maybe it's the black dress you think, maybe that's why she's not shining like she used to. Or maybe it's her forgotten smile. Even her golden hair seem tern and it breaks you, bleeds you internally and you want to tell her that it's ok, that you forgave her because you love her, that you can drop it and start again but you can't. You can't because there's a problem. You can't because she's not an angel.

 

Whatever you'd like to say though, doesn't make it past your lips because your emotions took control of your mouth and your words are raw.

 

“I missed you.”

 

“I ran away.”

 

Her voice is broken, weak from all the tears and cries from earlier but as she speaks words without logic, you can tell that she's like you, that she's honest and bare.

 

“You lied to me.”

 

“I lied to you.”

 

“You came back.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

It's not a dialogue, just a flow of voiced emotions with a mind of their own, It's your very soul talking so you're not surprised when you confess “I love you.”

 

“Lexa we-” she says turning to you, desperate. But you can't let her run away again.

 

“I love you.”

 

Tears are back in her eyes at that, tears that tell you just how painful your words are to her. You ache. You ache because you loving her is a torture for her. Because you loving her is forbidden, as forbidden as her own feelings, as forbidden as her loving you. You know she does. She wouldn't be crying if she didn't. She wouldn't have told you if she didn't mean it.

 

Or so you try to convince yourself because really you don't know. You're scared that you misinterpreted it, scared that it will be over, scared that may be the end. You're scared because she's silent, because her eyes left yours, because there's a frown on her face, because her hand in yours is cold, because searches for words and you don't want to but you think she'll reject you.

 

Until looks at you and there's fire in the blue. Until her lips form words you never thought would make you happy.

 

“Let's go.” she says and she's determined and her hand is squeezing yours “Let's get out of here. Let's fall together.”

 

There's joy in your chest but fear in your guts because you've tried not to think about it. Because your entire life you've blamed your parents for doing what you're now dying to do too. Because it's more than a thousand years of convictions that you're about to deny. And it's hard. It's hard to admit that you want it, that you don't even want to speak anymore, just press your lips on Clarke's and forget about the consequences, no, accept them whatever they are.

 

Which is why, you think, you try to fight it.

 

“What if it doesn't work ? What if we never meet again ?”

 

She shakes her head and tries to smile “It's how God's law works.”

 

“What if something happens and we reincarnate too far from each other ?”

 

“It can't happen. We're meant to meet.”

 

“What if- What if our life together is too short ?”

 

She smiles but it doesn't help “Then I would've been happy with what we had and I'll believe in something else. I'll believe as hard as I do know that we will meet again.”

 

“You think it works like that ?”

 

“I don't know. But I know those ten years far from you were a torture. My soul couldn't take it and I'm back here in the end, even after I betrayed the most important person in my life. Whatever the world we're in, I'll find you. We'll find each other, it's just a question of time.”

 

You want to tell her yes, you want to tell her you believe in what she says, that she's right but for some reason, the insecure voice of your fear of the unknown keeps talking for you“Here we have time.”

 

“I want to live with you.” she confesses and Oh God how you want to tell her yes, how you want to kiss her right here and now ! But no. No you need something more and you plea.

 

“Convince me. Please, please convince me.”

 

“I love you.”

 

Her voice trembles, her eyes waters again and this time you can't fight it. You pull her to you and hug her “Alright. Let's do it.” She sobs and her hands slip under your vest to claw at your shirt in your back.

 

“We- we're emotional n-now.”

 

You chuckle “Yeah I think it's the least we can say.”

 

“N-no I m-mean, let's do it n-next year. Give us t-time to say g-oodbye.”

 

And your heart breaks.

 

How ? How have you forgotten about your family ? About yours friends ? That this world is yours and you love it ?

 

If you die, if you leave this world there is no way back.

 

And then you understand. You understand that Clarke doesn't want to say goodbye, she wants to think it over, but more than that, wants YOU to think it over. You know how it has always been her dream to go on Earth, that she has only a few things she cares about in this world and that she could very well leave it all here but you ? You, you have things you'd regret to leave. You, you have a little brother that, unlike hers, loves his big sister. You, you have parents and friends. You, you have some kind of a travesty of life.

 

You kiss Clarke's temples, her forehead, her ears, you pull back ignored her sad and confused features and kiss everywhere you can on her face until you reach twenty five.

 

“I used all of my today kisses anyway.” you say with a shrug and a smile and you hear it, the wet version of your favorite sound.

 

She laughs.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

Anya is smiling and for some reason you've never thought her so beautiful. Her dress is not original, her make up has nothing special and her attitude is the same as always but she's glowing.

 

You love her.

 

Indra, the woman that taught you how to fall and raise, suspects something, you're sure of it. She's been observing you a lot these days. And she cooked cakes, apple pies, your favorite. She's never been the talkative type but she has been a good parent, the mother yours couldn't be.

 

And you love her.

 

And there's also your little brother. The little boy that joined your family not so long ago, Indra's pride, Kane's hope, Anya's tenderness and your love. Gustus who's smile can warm hearts like no one else.

 

You love him too.

 

And Marcus, Marcus who scolded you with tears in his eyes that time you didn't come home for two days after a fight. Marcus who, and you know it, has been dreaming of Earth and humans for centuries, has been in love with the same demon woman for even longer but stayed to take care of Anya and you. Marcus who called your wings 'beautiful' when he first saw them and spent long moments staring at them in awe thinking you weren't noticing.

 

Yeah you love him.

 

As the heartbreaking realization that you'll never see them again in this life squeezes your heart, Gus takes your hand. He smiles at you and you wonder if somehow he knows.

 

A second later, Marcus rests a hand on the small of your back and says “Have fun kid.” You think he may know too and you just want to hug them all, scream them that you are not afraid because you know you'll all reunite at some point. Maybe sooner than you think.

 

But you just say the words you wish you had thought about more often.

 

“Thank you Pa.”

 

“Don't come home in tears like last year.” Indra says and there's a tremble in her voice that make your entire being shake and ache and your eyes sting. But you put all the strength and determination you can in your next words, hoping to make her proud of the girl she raised. “I won't.”

 

You won't cry.

 

And you won't come back.

 

She offers you one of her oh so rare smiles and suddenly you've never felt so sure of your choices.

 

For some reason you look at Anya, expecting something but she's the same as usual. She can't wait to see Raven. Her eyes are on the doors and she's ready to get out as soon as they open. A part of you aches because she hasn't noticed. Because her arms aren't at your neck. But another part, the reasonable, adult part reminds you that there is a reason why you haven't told them about what you're about to do.

 

She notices that you're staring at her and turns to you. You see her brow twitch in confusion but then she smiles widely and you miror her expression.

 

It's better this way.

 

When the elevator dings your sister rushes outside but you take your time. Your family takes their time. You step out and turn to see that damn elevator disappear for the last time and you almost say goodbye. Almost.

 

Unlike all the other years though Clarke and Raven are there, waiting for you. To your surprise there's also Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln, her new angel boyfriend. Well, 'new' for Bellamy at least. Gustus runs to the brunet and he heaves him up, earning a franktic laugh.

 

You see Anya walk to Raven and hug her but the brunette's eyes are on you. She smiles at you and your eyes question Clarke silently. 'Sorry' she mouthes and you roll your eyes. She couldn't keep her mouth shut of course.

 

You look back at Anya and nod.

 

“Come on Annie, I'm thirsty.” she says to your sister, taking her arm and leading her to the buffet. Anya turns to you and winks one last time before dedicating all her attention to her girlfriend.

 

It's better this way.

 

In the meantime, Bellamy and the others greeted your parents, shaking hands, exchanging a few words and you expect them all to split like every year but no. They stay in group and talk and laugh and now you're sure of it, everybody knows.

 

Clarke aproaches you with a guilty smile “I couldn't help it I'm sorry...”

 

You sigh but smile, opening your arms for her “Yeah well don't ask me why I was expecting that.”

 

She wraps her arms around your waist and you kiss the crown of her head “Hey don't talk as if I was the only one !”

 

You voice drops to a whisper “They guessed.”

 

Her smile wavers “Mom did too.”

 

You hold her closer “They really love us huh ?”

 

“Yeah. I guess at least God got the 'feelings' part well.”

 

You look at her lips then back at her eyes “Maybe the rest too.”

 

“You think all of this-” she trails off and you nod. She pouts “I feel less like a rebel now.”

 

You laugh, openly, loudly, like it was the last time. She giggles against your chest and you're sad that you won't remember that. That you won't remember this day nor all the others.

 

But it's ok.

 

When you've recovered, out of the blue she tiptoes to kiss the corner of your lips and there's a glint of sadness in her eyes but drown in eagerness and excitement that show entirely when she says “An hour ?”

 

You look at your friends and family and gulp. “An hour.”

 

An hour that changed into an evening.

 

An evening during which you kissed Clarke's neck to demonstrate how ticklish she is.

 

You kissed Clarke's knuckles when you knelt down before her and said you were sorry for that time you touched her butt 'by accident'.

 

You kissed Clarke's scalp when she hid her face in the crook of your neck in embarrassment when Raven revealed that one year she was just so excited waiting for you she kept pacing and pacing and at some point somehow she bumped into a pillar and said sorry.

 

You kissed Clarke's nose when she was mad at you for not defending her when Octavia said her hips are kinda plump.

 

You kissed Clarke's foot when you took off her shoe to fix her broken heel.

 

You kissed Clarke's eye when you were dancing and the velvety voice of the Elvis sang “Take my hand, take my whole life too.” Like a reminder of what you promised each other. She laughed and kissed the corner of her lips.

 

You kissed Clarke's ears when Gustus pointed out that you hadn't done it yet tonight, surprising everyone with how attentive he had been.

 

You almost kissed Clarke's lips when you were trying to kiss her cheek and she turned her head, giving you the biggest thrill and fright of your life. Your lips landed on the mole you love so much and it wasn't a failure in the end.

 

You kissed Clarke's shoulder, just because she was in your arms and you wanted to.

 

You kissed Clarke's ring finger when Abby that had joined the group mocked  human traditions and Clarke looked sad.

 

You kissed Clarke's forehead when Bellamy called her small.

 

You kissed Clarke's nose again twice because it seems you have a thing for this part of her anatomy.

 

You kissed Clarke's palm then inner wrist when you noticed a discreet blue vein coursing under her porcelain skin and decided you liked that too.

 

You kissed Clarke's chin when she was sitting on your lap, all proud to be taller for once.

 

You kissed Clarke's back when you fixed the zipper of her dress in the toilets, proving once again to the world how much self control and restraint you have.

 

You kissed Clarke's nape, making her shiver and yip and you wish to remember that trick in your next life.

 

You kissed Clarke's jaw.

 

You kissed Clarke's elbow when she hit the railing with it and kept complaining about how painful it was.

 

You kissed  Clarke's finger on your lips when you threatened to reveal that she has a thing for leather.

 

You kissed Clarke's chest because Bellamy dared you. You licked her too to impress him and earned an angry slap on your shoulder and a few minutes of silence.

 

 

 

The place is almost empty when finally you say “We’re going for a walk in the garden before going home.”

 

“Yeah well I think we'll go.” Bellamy says, turning to Octavia who nods “Better say goodbye now then.” the man steps forward and takes Clarke in his arms. He kisses her forehead but you don't feel jealous. Because it's a goodbye.

 

Octavia hugs her tight, whispering something in her ear that you can't hear while Bellamy's arms wrap around you, careful and tender like they've never been.

 

You hug him back. “I'll miss you Commander.” he says sadly but you smile.

 

“Not for too long. You'll find someone too Bell. And you'll join us and I swear we'll all reunite at some point.”

 

“I hope you're right.” he says as he pulls back to rub his eyes.

 

Octavia takes his place in your arms and as you kiss her temple you whisper “Tell Lincoln I'm counting on him to find your brother the perfect angel to die with.”

 

“No worries. That train is already on tracks.” she winks and adds “See you soon Lexa.”

 

“Yeah. Sooner than we think.” You smile at each other but you know the worst is coming because behind you, Clarke is finished saying goodbye to your family and there are tears in her eyes.

 

You turn to your mother then, heart heavy, swollen with emotions you won't show. Except one. She didn't expect it you think as she stills when your arms enlace her. You haven't hugged her a lot you realised. Not even as a child. But there was this time, this one time you got stuck in the elevator. This one time you were so afraid you cried and cried and when finally Indra showed you threw your arms around her neck and stayed there for hours. As you remember, you can't help the sting in your eyes, the lump in your throat and your tightening grip. “Thank you Ma. I'm sorry.” you say and you hear her breath hitch and tremble before she brings a hand in your back and pats three time between your shoulder blades.

 

“I can't believe it took my little warrior so long to figure all of this out. Well I guess it's still faster than your sister. Really this one is even more hopeless. With a little luck, she'll follow you soon.”

 

You chuckle at the nickname she hasn't used in centuries and you pull back to see her avert her eyes and blush. The sight melts you to your very core and you engrave it as deep in your memory as you can, hoping to remember it after your birth.

 

You kiss her temple and whisper “She will.” you reassure her and she offers you a smile before nodding in your father's direction.

 

So as usual you follow her orders and as the warmth of her hand in your back fades, the burning, bone crushing embrace of Marcus replaces it. You hear Gustus laugh, see Indra roll her eyes and feel Marcus's tears on your neck. This man is way too sensitive as always. You hug him back, try to do it as hard as him, make him feel just how crushed you feel but you fail. He's not your old man for nothing.

 

“Pa. Hug. Too strong.” you manage to say in short breaths and he pulls back to look at you.

 

“You grew up too fast.”

 

You laugh “Ma just told me I took too long.”

 

“Ma tends to lie a lot when it comes to feelings.”

 

“Ma says you're a softie. Said that she knew you'd cry and be all sentimental.” you lie.

 

“Oh really ? Well Ma will hear about this later.”

 

“Don't scold her too hard. You know she hates conflicts.”

 

“I'll go easy on her.” he winks and you smile.

 

You take a deep breath and swallow “Don't take too long to join us ok ?”

 

“Promise. As soon as Indra and Gus found someone I'll rush down there to kick your enamored teen's ass.”

 

You laugh loudly and you hear the others follow you “Yeah let's do that. But I'm warning you, I'll defend myself.”

 

“I expect nothing less.” He pulls you in again and you know it's the last time. You have to remind yourself really hard the promise you made to your mother earlier tonight, remind yourself not to cry. Because really you're on the brink and you envy Marcus that can cry so freely, so easily.

 

You stand like that for a minute before he finally finds the strength to let go. Before you finally find the strength to let him do so.

 

You're scared then. You're scared and sad and God this promise is hard to keep because Gustus is before you, looking at you with his determined blue eyes, way too serious for his age and the situation. You crouch. You're in dress, you shouldn't act so inelegantly but you can't help it. You crouch and hug him, his body so tiny and fragile in your arms and you wonder if that's how your parents felt like hugging you when you were small. After a silent moment you feel him pull back and rest his tiny hands on your cheeks. He guides your face down enough for him to kiss your forehead. When you look back at him he's smiling mischievously like he had been waiting for that the entire time.

 

“So you want to be the big guy huh ?” you tell him with a smirk as you start tickling his belly. His laughter is one of your favorite things in the world and you wish to hear it again one day.

 

When he's out of breath in your arms you stop and kiss his face everywhere and insist on his forehead just to prove him you're still the big sister and that would never change.

 

He calms down and look at you then. He smiles and leans in. His lips against the shell of your ear he whisper “Thanks sis.”

 

Your heart stops in your chest at your little brother's words and you feel it escape before you can even think of holding it back. Your first tear is silent and discreet but the next ones make themselves known as they shake your body from head to toe. Indra turns her back on your, Marcus' wet breathes are too loud and Octavia is in Bellamy's arms. You search for Clarke but she's not here.

 

In your arms Gustus is not crying, he's smiling and wiping your tears and you love him. You love him, love them so much you just can't believe it's the last time.

 

It can't be the last time.

 

It won't be the last time.

 

If it is true that bounded hearts are meant to meet and live together on Earth then you'll definitely find them. You're adopted but you'll find them because if you don't then it means God is blind. If they can't see the connections between you all then they're an asshole. You chuckle at the ridiculous thought and kiss Gustus' cheek.

 

“Thanks lil Gus.”

 

“See you soon.” he tells you with a smile and you hug him again.

 

Standing, you wipe your tears with your hands and turn back to your family and friends. You wave and smile widely as you say “May we meet again.” they echo your words and you turn around, heart beating fast at the idea that finally you'll kiss Clarke. You try to forget that you couldn't say goodbye to Anya.

 

 

 

Clarke is in the garden where you chose to do it. She's sitting on a bench, waiting for you and the butterflies you thought died come back full force. She's as beautiful as ever in the blue dress she was wearing the first time you met. Her hair seems to glow under the low light and her eyes see right through you like they always do as you walk to her.

 

There's worry on her features though when she blurts out “Is it really a good thing ? I mean you have your family and all.”

 

You take a deep breath. You've spent an entire year preparing for this. You cried but won't go home, you promised Indra.

 

“We'll see them again.” you close the distance between the two of you and extend a hand. She takes it and stands. “You're beautiful.” you tell her, your hands cradling her anxious face “You're beautiful and I want you.”

 

She swallows hard, closing her eyes “What if we never meet again ?”

 

“We will. Even if I have to cross the entire universe, I'll find you.”

 

“What if I die before that ?”

 

“You won't.”

 

Her eyes open and bore in yours as her hands cover yours “What if we don't have the time to love each other ? What if we find each other but something happens ? What if-”

 

“It will be alright.” you reassure her like she reassured you the year before “We already talked about that remember ?”

 

She lets out a shaky breath “Yes I know. But I don't want you to have any regret. I was all for it but when I saw how much you loved them and they loved you I just- I think I doubt you'd really want it.”

 

You smile at her, wish for it to show how honest you are when you confess “I've rethinked it a lot this past year. But yesterday I realised how right you were all this time. I realised that, knowing that everything would end today, my every action became heavier, fuller, more meaningful. This past year was both the shortest and most fulfilling year of my entire life.”

 

She smiles weakly “For me too.”

 

You lick your lips and wish for your desperation not to show as you pursue “I missed you. All this time I missed you so much I almost crossed the frontier to Hell a few times. I won't survive another year like that Clarke.”

 

Her features twist and a second later she's crying. You rest your forehead on hers “Every day. Every day, at every moment you were on my mind. Not a single second passed without me thinking about you, about kissing you, about living with you Lexa. I can't wait either.”

 

You nod “I love you.” She tries to answer but sobs too hard and her poorly formed words die in moans. “Shhh. It's ok. Take your time.” You take her in your arms, let her wet the crook of your neck. You draw soothing circles in her lower back with your fingers and it seems to work because you feel her relax.

 

After a moment, in a weak voice she finally asks “Let me see your wings.”

 

“If you let me see yours.” you answer with a smirk as you pull back.

 

She rolls her eyes but take off the bracelet at her wrist, throwing it aside. “Let's break the charm then.” she says in a sigh as she closes her eyes. She'll go all the way you realize so you do so too.

 

You let your wings out, and your halo form. You change clothes to reveal a long white tunic sewed with golden thread. You hurry to change so that you can watch her.

 

When you open your eyes again, she's in tight black shorts and black bra. There are two pointy horns on her forehead and wings in her back. Tiny white skinny wings. As you look at her you can't help but think that it's what you've always wanted to be. “Would we have loved each other if I had been a demon and you an angel ?” you blurt out and regret it. If there's one thing you can't contest, don't want to contest it's your feelings and you just-

 

“I don't know.” she answers “But I don't care. I love you.” she says, finally smiling at you, appeasing all of your fears in an instant.

 

You close the distance again and your hands find hers. You lean your face down as she tilts hers up so that your foreheads rest once again against each other's.

 

“So we're doing it huh ?”

 

“I think so.”

 

She chuckles and starts “In peace, may we leave this shore,”

 

“You changed the blessing !”

 

“We're two in this ! I can't say 'you' !” she exclaims and you laugh “And,” she adds shyly “'you' is too lonely.”

 

You hold her. You hold her tight against you “In love, may we find the next.” you say and you realise that those are your last words. That this moment is your last in this world, that you don't know when your paths will cross again or if they will at all, and suddenly you're scared again. But Clarke's arms around your waist squeeze and you remember that she is here. That that's where she should be and where she will always be in this world or any other. You pull back and press your lips at the corner of her smiling ones.

 

“Lexa ?” the voice freezes you whole, violently drags you where you swore you wouldn't go back. “Lexa what are you...”

 

Clarke pulls back and takes a step back quickly “Anya let us-”

 

You turn around and see your sister. You see how hurt and angry and betrayed she looks and you know where her fury comes from. “I'm sorry.” You mutter but she almost growls in answer.

 

She takes a step closer but Raven catches her arm “Anya don't-”

 

“Let go Raven !” she tears her arm from her hurt girlfriend's grip and turns back to you “How dare you ? How DARE you betraying me like that !?”

 

“I love her.”

 

“Yeah well mom and dad too were in love and they left us behind remember ? Us. Their KIDS ! How dare you do that to me !? To Gus ?! Pa and Ma will be devastated !”

 

Raven steps in again “They knew Annie.”

 

You see her frown and try but fail at understanding. You see it on her face, the pain, the nger, the incomprehension, but most of all you see how much she loves you and your eyes sting again.

 

“Wait, you told them ? Rae, you too ?”

 

“Clarke told Raven and our family guessed. I was planning on not telling anything to anyone but in the end it seems everyone understood somehow.”

 

“But why ?” she sounds broken but you're firm, you'll hold on your decision. You close the distance “Why not telling me ?! I'm your damn sister Lexa !”

 

“I didn't mean to hurt you.”

 

“So you would've just, walked away ? In silence just like that ? Would've left me behind without a word ?” she scoffs and you step closer “You're like our parents. A coward.” The words hurt because they're true. They hurt and you realise how wrong you were but most of all you realise how happy you are. Happy to see your sister one last time before you meet in the next world.

 

You open your arms “Annie.”

 

“No don't-” she steps back “Don't you dare touching me !” but you insist and keeps walking forward. She shakes her head angry tears running down her cheeks as she stumble backwards. At some point though she has no choice. When her back meets a bush, she changes tactics and takes a fighting stance. But you keep going. She hits you, sends punches and kiks and slaps. It must hurt but you barely feel it and eventually, your arms wrap around her.

 

“Annie.”

 

“Shut up.” she stops fighting back “Shut up traitor.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“You love me my ass ! Do you even know how many times, how hard it was for me not to leave ? God Lexa the only reason I'm still in this world is you !”

 

Your first tear for Anya breaks free then as you confess “I know. I'm sorry I held you back.”

 

Her hands are timid when they grip your belt “I love her Lexa but I couldn't leave you. How can you leave me ?”

 

She's less angry and more sad now but also pleading and you feel your heart shatter because she thinks you don't love her enough. “Anya leaving this world, leaving you is the hardest thing I've ever done but, she's my goal, she gave a meaning to my life, an end, and make everything worth it, like my entire life guided me to her you know ?” She sobs and you smile “I know you know Anya because you love Raven and you feel the same. But without me to hold you back, you'll be free.”

 

She pulls back and looks at you with some confused frown that disappears a moment later and you see her understanding. You smile at her widely and pull her in again “Yeah. Come with us big sis.”

 

“Fuck.” she sniffles “Since when are you walking so far ahead of me ?”

 

“Since that day I met an angel in blue.”

 

She chuckles “Yeah well that angel is a devil if you ask me.”

 

She relaxes in your arms and her own slip around you “Oh she really is.”

 

“What if we never meet again ?”

 

You smile because the only answer to this is faith and faith is not easy to find when you never believed in anything uncertain. Right now you, Clarke, Anya need it though. “Annie, you remember that time I got lost in the forest and Pa and Ma searched for me for hours ? I was so deep in the forest they couldn't find me. But you did. Nobody ever understood how but you did. You found me Anya, when adults couldn't. We're sisters. We'll find each other, trust me.”

 

She squeezes you hard then and nods against your chest. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

When she pulls back she's smiling and as she cups your cheeks she says “Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground.”

 

A wet laugh escapes your mouth and you take her hands. Together you wish “May we meet again.”

 

You kiss her forehead “I love you.”

 

She rolls her eyes and smirks “Right. You said it three times already. Save them for your girlfriend.” She looks behind you “I'll be the big bad step sister and tell you that if you hurt her I'll rip your heart out of your chest and feed it to crocodiles.” she shouts to Clarke.

 

“Anya !” your jaw drops in shock.

 

“What ? It's my job.” she turns back and walks to Raven “Ok let's get out of here now, before I can change my mind.” she takes the girl's hand and walks away. Raven offers Clarke and you the warmest smile and wave before clinging to your sister's arm, koala mode.

 

You chuckle and wipe your cheeks. “All this drama for a kiss.” Clarke says and you smile.

 

“All this drama for the best kiss in the universe.”

 

She wants to look unaffected but she can't hold back the grin that stretches her lips “Have I mentioned that I don't like people who brag ?”

 

“Meh, once or twice.”

 

She walks to you and hugs you, her hands finding the base of your wings. “Hey Lex ?”

 

You nuzzle her hair and hug her back “Mhm ?”

 

“If, for some reason, I can't tell you when we're down there, if I forget or I'm just to proud to admit it...” she pulls back “I love you.” she tells you before tiptoeing to gently kiss the corner of your lips.

 

You can't help but smile as you answer “If, for some reason I don't find in me the courage to tell you, know that I love you.”

 

She laughs “There's no way we can live without saying it to each other though.”

 

“True.” you bend down and kiss the tip of her nose.

 

She slaps your shoulder “Hey ! It was your last kiss of the year ! How dare you use it on my nose ?”

 

You chuckle and cup her cheeks “I have one in stock. Remember the one I saved for later fifteen years ago on our balcony after the waltz ?”

 

“The time you had me waiting for you all night ? I remember. Don't tell me you kept it for that sole purpose...”

 

You blush “What can I say, I'm a romantic.”

 

She smiles and shakes her head “You're cheesy as Hell you mean.”

 

“Maybe.” You look at those lips and back at her eyes and you lean down just a little bit “I have only one regret though.”

 

“Yeah ?”

 

“I won't remember our first kiss.”

 

“Plenty of other will come. Now stop talking and kiss me already.”

 

You snort and comply, and your previous fear disappears.

 

 

There's no way in Hell, Heaven, even on Earth that you won't remember the softess, sweet, honey flavoured sensaton of her lips on yours.

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

You've heard a lot about her.

 

You know her people is a bunch of rogue kids which make them as ridiculous as dangerous. They are toddlers with mass destructive weapons in their hands. You wish you could just kill them all but you can't do it without casualties.

 

And you hate casualties.

 

So you have to meet with her.

 

Now you're waiting for a woman you hate, a woman that killed three hundred of your people and you'll listen to what she has to say because you have to. Like you did with Nia in the past.

 

You don't know her but you already hate her.

 

Yet.

 

You're also curious. Because a toddler like her killed three hundred of your people and you can't help but admire her somehow. Even though you hate her you can't ignore what she did. You want to see by yourself what kind of girl she is. How someone new to this world managed to survive and stand up to you while suffering only minor casualties.

 

You hear Gustus threaten who you suppose is her and you fight the urge to roll your eyes.

 

You can defend yourself.

 

The tent flap opens and she enters.

 

The first thing you see is blue.

 

Blue like her jacket and, you notice as she approaches, her eyes.

 

When your gaze crosses hers, something unexpected happens. Something nostalgic, something weird.

 

Your heart skips a beat, something tickles in your stomach, a warmth in your chest and... Is that honey on your tongue ? But most unexpected of it all, your cheeks burn, you blush and avert your eyes.

 

The words escape your lips before you can even think them “You're the one-” you pause because you don't know how to pursue and your boiling mind searches for something, anything to say as you twist your knife in your hands nervously. “-who burnt three hundreds of my warriors alive.” you finally say. It's lame but that's all you have.

 

You see her frail determination waver for a split second before she manages to answer “You're the one who send them there to kill us.”

 

You don't understand why, but your chest warms up.

 

 

 

 

And somewhere, somehow, God is smiling.