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Natasha knocks Loki up

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“I can’t have kids.” was the first thing she had said and that was true; she was infertile but used birth control as a precautionary measure.

“I can.” Loki said as he glared behind the much wider Thor who was glaring at her as if she had spat on the Mona Lisa then signed her name in the blood of innocents. “As you can see.” He said waving the pregnancy test in the air.

“But it doesn’t make any sense!” She protested further still. “And you used a condom!” Which meant nothing apparently. Thor shrugged and glared as the rest of the team stormed in, weapons drawn.

“Uh, does this have to do with the time you thought it was a good idea to sleep with him?” Tony asked as he saw the pregnancy test in Loki’s hand. “You’re going to be a mommy?”

“I’m the mother.” Loki corrected. “She’ll be the father.” then frowned. “Do you believe they heard that correctly brother?”

“I don’t know, brother. Their tongue appears to have only two pronouns. It nonetheless stands true.”

“Wait, you’re shitting me.” Clint said as he lowered his bow.

“No.” Loki said tersely.

“I’m not drawing up intergalactic and dimensional custody papers.” Coulson said from behind them. “you’ll have to deal that on your own. Also, I’m not a lawyer.”

Thor and Loki frowned at him in bemusement.

“I thought you were dead.” Loki declared.

“Yeah, so did I. Then I saw this woman and she said it wasn’t quite my time. Then I was dragged away by of women on winged horses and woke up.”

“This woman, did she appear unusual? One side of her face fair, the other as lovely as Death itself?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Coulson said, apparently unbothered that he had been kicked out of the afterlife and revealing all to the teammates. Steve dropped his shield.

“HEL!” Loki suddenly yelled. “I will have words with you later, young lady! I did not conquer a kingdom for you so you could socialize with those indecent Valkyries!”

“That was my niece.” Thor said simply. Everyone nodded. They would forget about it later.

“Can we go back to the part where he is pregnant? And Steve, I told you they were gods. Stop acting so shocked.” Natasha snapped.

Streve colored. And stayed silent.

“Yes, that is the issue at hand.” Bruce said. “So, what are we going to do?”

“I will be staying here until I give birth.” Loki said in response. “I am unwelcome in Asgard, yet again.”

“Father has not yet recovered from Loki’s last child nor forgiven him for trying to end your world, mortals.” Thor said in elaboration. “He will come instead to visit here once it is born and hope the child is not yet another portent for Ragnarök.”

“I hope so too.” Natasha said because evil demi-god or not, the kid was going to be hers. “So what after? I get custody or do you visit?”

“I know not.” Loki said. “I will decide after its birth. Now, I tire, we will discuss this later. Brother, take me somewhere I may rest.”

“Of course, brother.” Thor led him beyond the startled humans.

“You are not my true brother, yadayadayada.” Loki said with a roll of his wrist and yawned. Thor snorted.

“You will always be my brother, ad nauseam.” Both gods laughed and it slowly faded as they moved away.

Several moments passed in silence. Steve just gaped like a fish trying to wondered when this had become his life;- gods, aliens, and dames knocking up guys; Tony was going through his head which custodial lawyers he knew of that he could obtain for Natasha who could probably learn whatever intergalactic custody laws existed quickly; and Clint Barton wondered if he actual had ever left the circus.

Coulson was texting Fury. Bruce had a queer little smile on his face and then laughed.

“At least he won’t try to end the world now.” He said softly. “I mean, can you imagine that?” He giggled.

Natasha punched him.

“I need a drink.” she said as she pulled away. Bruce grinned unrepentantly.

“Me two, lets go upstairs.” Tony said and everyone followed.

 

When they had stepped into the elevator it finally hit her.

“I’m going to be a mother, father, whatever. Shit.”

“Spandex-onesies.” Tony said simply and the doors closed with a ding.