Chapter 1: Dreams & Touches
"Then I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other."
Their lips collided, slowly and steady, they didn't want to make a whole scene in front of their families and friends. It was just a little kiss, but it was their first kiss as a married couple. And they both enjoyed it as much as the other kisses they had shared.
Baz felt the weight of the ring around his finger, he loved it. He had been waiting so long for this moment, much longer than Simon. And the idea of calling him his ‘husband’, made Baz the happiest person on earth.
Suddenly, a song had started to play and he found himself on the dance floor, dancing with Snow. It was one of his favorite songs: 'A Thousand Years’.
Baz lead Simon, since the golden-haired boy was pretty bad at dancing, specially at slowing. Simon let his head rest on Baz’s chest for the entire song, until the end. When the song was over, he lifted his head to look at the taller boy.
“You know,” Simon said. “The song is a lie.”
Baz’s heart stopped beating and he froze in his steps, backing away from him.
Simon didn’t really love him, he knew it.
He looked at Snow, who still had a smile on his face. The smaller boy came closer to him, hugging Baz.
“The song is a lie, because I won’t love you for a thousand years…”
A tear fell down on Baz’s cheek. He knew it. He fucking knew it. Simon didn’t love him. Why would he love him.
“Baz - no, Baz - let me finish my sentence before you start crying, you idiot,” Simon laughed and wiped the tears off Baz’s face.
“As I said, I won’t love you for a thousand years. I will love you for all eternity. I will love you until I die, and even after that I won’t stop loving you. I will love you forever, Baz.”
Baz was crying again, but this time out of happiness and love. He grabbed Simon’s face gently with both hands, and planted a deep kiss on his husband’s soft lips.
Baz was happy.
And then he woke up.
Snow was snoring. Again.
It always woke him up from his dreams. And tonight was no different. He had been so happy in the dream, he wanted to keep the feeling. But of course, dreams weren’t real. They were just formed by your brain to make your life miserable and even harder than it already is. Better to forget about the dream, he decided. It would make it easier to deal with.
Bloody hell, how was Baz supposed to sleep if Snow kept making those noises? He had an important test the next day and if he wanted to stay first of the class, he needed his sleep. If he failed that test, Bunce would most definitely take advantage of it and maybe she would even beat him.
That couldn’t happen. Pitches didn’t lose. Never.
Crowley, how was it even possible for someone to snore that loud? Baz wanted to stand up, walk over to his part of the room and smack him in the face with his pillow. Anything to keep him quiet, anything.
Baz would even roll him over on his side, go lay next to him and put his arms around Snow’s waist. Just to keep him quiet.
But, of course, he didn’t do any of that. He was afraid of waking him up, and of him staring at Baz with his fucking ordinary blue eyes, asking what he was doing.
Crowley, he didn’t even know why he’d do that.
Or maybe he did..
So he didn’t do anything. Instead, Baz just pushed himself up on his elbows. Not to get a better view on Snow, just to get in a more comfortable position. (At least that was what he was telling himself).
Baz tried to keep himself from looking at him, but he couldn’t ignore him. He’s too loud. (And too gorgeous).
He glanced over at his roommate, and saw the moonlight dance over his face. He shouldn’t be torturing himself with staring at him, but Baz just couldn’t help it. He was so bright, like the sun. You couldn’t just look away, act like it didn’t existed.
Snow was laying on his back, peacefully drooling with an open mouth. His curls were spread over his pillow, like golden cotton. Baz wanted to reach out and touch it, twirl it around his fingers.
Just to know what it feels like. To touch those curls, to touch him. Nothing else.
He let out a sigh. Why did the universe hate him? Setting him up with the hottest, cutest, most irritating yet charming boy Baz knew. As a roommate.
And it definitely didn’t help that he had a huge crush on him.
Simon was the first person to talk to him on this campus. Everybody just ignored him, probably because they saw Baz as the 'emo kid’. He just liked the color black, what was so wrong about it? It fitted nicely with his skin color too, like he just walked out of an old movie.
Everybody stared at him, but nobody talked to him. Except his roommate. Except Snow.
Baz had signed up for a single room, because he didn’t like to talk to people. He just wanted to lay on his bed and read books. Silly romance books. Because he loved romance, even though he had never experienced it before.
But since the universe hated him, he’d gotten a double room. And he had to share it with Snow. Just his luck.
At first, he’d thought maybe they’d run out of single rooms, and they had just given him a double room for his own. But then he’d entered the room, and he was faced with the most beautiful boy he had ever seen.
“Hi! I’m your roommate, Simon. Nice to meet you!” Simon had said, a wide smile on his face, holding out his arm to shake Baz’s hand.
Baz, flustered and astonished by the appearance of his roommate, had frozen in his steps and stared at the person in his room. He hadn’t expected somebody to be in there, and definitely not someone like Snow.
In a reflex, he’d wanted to shake Simon’s hand, but he couldn’t break down the walls he had been building for the past years since his mother passed away.
Instead, he’d said “Fuck off” with a sneer and dropped down on his bed. And that was by far the nicest conversation they’d had during the two years they’ve been sharing a room.
Mostly, they ignored each other, and they were only together in the same room at night. During the day, and when there were no classes to attend, Snow spent his time outside their room, studying with Bunce and his girlfriend Wellbelove. (Yes, Snow had a girlfriend)(Unbelievable).
Baz always stayed in their room, studying or reading, unless Simon was there. Then he would run off to the library. Because he hated him.
He hated him for being so annoying, dumb, cute, handsome, lovable and…. straight.
One time when they had been lying in bed at night, both not able to sleep, Simon (who was a little drunk from some stupid party) had asked him: “B-Baz, ar-are you st-straighttt?”.
His heart had stopped for a second, wondering why he would be interested in that. It was probably because he had wanted to make fun of him.
“Yes,” Baz had said. Straight as a fucking noodle. Straight as Snow’s fucking hair. He was only half lying. But Snow wouldn’t remember it, he was too drunk.
“What about you?” He’d looked at him, clearly visible in the moonlight.
“Dunno, I guesssss,” Snow had said, shrugging.
A few moments later, when Baz had wanted to ask more about it, he’d heard snoring coming from Simon’s side of the room. Great.
Simon didn’t snore. At least that’s what Agatha had told him. Sometimes, when he had enough of Baz’s hateful glares and unspoken words, he escaped to Agatha’s room. Her roommate, Philippa, had become very ill last year, so she had to quit college. That was why Agatha had a spare bed in her room.
There was a rule that boys and girls were in separate dorms and weren’t allowed in each others rooms at night, but Simon hadn’t been caught so far. Besides, it didn’t occur that often, maybe once a week, but not more than that. He didn’t know what the punishment was for breaking that rule, but he wasn’t eager to find out.
Of course he always slept in the spare bed, and not with Agatha. He respected his girlfriend’s personal space. She didn’t like acts of affection that involved touching that much, like hugging or kissing.
They had only kissed once, and they both agreed not to do that again. Simon hadn’t disliked kissing her, she was his girlfriend after all. It was nice, but the spark just hadn’t been there. Agatha had told him she’d rather held hands.
Anyway, Simon didn’t like Baz’s staring, full of hate, so once a week he spent the night at Agatha’s. But not today.
She had asked him not to come over, because she had a lot of work. Simon figured she needed some space. Which he wouldn’t mind, if he didn’t have to share his room with that handsome devil.
Baz had long, silky black hair that reached to his shoulders. He often wore it in a bun, which made Simon weak in his knees, because he hated him, of course.
His skin was pale, with a touch of olive. He had once told Simon that he was partly Egyptian.
Simon didn’t want to hate Baz, he just wanted to be friends. But for some reason, Baz didn’t allow that. He rather hated Simon. He wanted to find out why, but he was afraid of asking. He would probably just ignore the question too.
It was night, around 3 am, Simon guessed. There was no clock in their room, because the ticking noise made Baz irritated. Also, Baz had once thrown their clock at his head, and then it was broken. That was probably the reason.
Simon had forgotten why Baz had hurled it at him. It was presumably something stupid Simon had said. He always said stupid things when Baz was around, he couldn’t control it.
Simon had woken up from a sound outside. Sounded like yelling. Probably some first years getting into trouble, nothing new.
He looked over to Baz’s side, wondering if he’d woken up too. But no, Baz was peacefully sleeping, his chest slowly rising up and down. The only time he saw Baz this calm was when he was sleeping.
He liked looking at him, it made him feel safe. He didn’t like Baz when he was awake, he even hated him then. (Or he tried to).
But when he was sleeping, Simon liked him. A lot. But not like-like of course. He wasn’t in love with him, he wasn’t gay. He had a girlfriend for Crowley’s sake.
As Simon watched Baz in the moonlight, he saw he was wearing earphones. Had he been listening to music?
Simon pushed himself up until he sat up and looked closer.
Yup, Baz was definitely listening to music. He had probably fallen asleep while listening.
Simon was curious what kind of music Baz liked. He seemed like someone who’d listen to punk rock all the time. With his black hair and black clothing, which fitted him perfectly of course. Baz could get away with anything, even if he dyed his hair pink or blue, he would still look like a prince.
Simon swung his legs to the side of his bed and pushed himself off with his arms until he stood next to his bed. He walked over to his roommate’s bed and squatted down besides Baz’s head. He slowed his breathing and tried to make as little sound as possible - he didn’t want to wake him up.
Carefully, he tucked a lock of Baz’s hair behind his ear, because it was in the way. Not because he wanted to, obviously.
It was so soft, Simon was surprised. He always thought it would feel different, not so smooth, silky and even fluffy. It certainly didn’t look fluffy, but it felt like it.
He quickly shook off those thoughts and stretched his hand out towards Baz’s right earphone. He gently took it out of his ear and moved it towards his ear. But the wire wasn’t long enough, he had to move his head closer towards Baz’s head.
Holding his breath, he moved the left side of his face to his roommate’s right side - almost ear to ear. Almost touching.
Then, Simon put the earphone in his right ear and listened to the song that was playing.
This wasn’t happening, this was just a dream. Snow was not next to him, he hadn’t touched his hair.
Just a dream.
Just don’t open your eyes, he told himself. You will wake up and Snow will be laying in bed, hating you.
This wasn’t real. His head was messing with him, torturing him with these cruel dreams.
It was just a dream. A sweet dream.
“Only fools fall for you, only fools.”
“Only fools do what I do, only fools fall.”
Was that… Troye Sivan?
Simon was confused. Why would someone like Baz listen to that song? That’s not what he expected at all. Anything but a sad romance song. Crowley, he didn’t even know Baz was into that kind of stuff.
He never saw Baz with a girl, and the boy had never talked to him about girls.
That was nothing out of ordinary, since they never really talked, but still.
It was kinda cute though, Simon had to admit. He’d talk to him about it the next day, he told himself.
Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe Baz’s phone was full of hard metal punk songs, and one love song. That was possible.
While the song kept on playing, he searched for the phone. It was pretty difficult since he couldn’t move his head too much, the earphone may fall out if he moved too far to the right. If he moved too far to the left, his head would bump against Baz’s. He didn’t want that to happen, Baz might wake up.
So he had to find it with his hands. Which meant he had to feel around the black-haired boy’s body.
I don’t have to do this, I’ll just forget this happened and go back to bed, Simon thought. But for some reason, he wanted to know. He wanted to find the phone and listen to more songs. He didn’t want to leave Baz’s side.
So he let his hands flow over his body, trying not to touch him too much.
If he wakes up right now, I’m dead.
Snow was touching him. Why was his brain fucking with him so bad. He didn’t deserve it.
This was like all the other dreams he had, but it was nothing like them.
This felt more real.
But it wasn’t. No. It was just a dream.
Baz had abs. He’d never noticed before, but damn he certainly did.
Simon told himself he was still looking for the phone, even though he had pulled out his earphone a while ago.
He was feeling Baz’s chest - oh, he was so fucked if Baz woke up right now. Lucky for him, Baz was a heavy sleeper.
Slightly trembling, Simon was sitting on his knees next to his roommate’s bed.
Baz wasn’t wearing a shirt and he had kicked his blanket down, so his bare chest was out in the open. He was laying stock-still, probably having a nice dream because he had this happy smile on his face.
Simon let his fingertips slide over Baz’s muscled body again, careful not to make too much contact.
It felt so good, but it was so wrong. This was Baz, his enemy. The person he hated the most. And he was touching him.
As if he had woken up from a trance, Simon jumped backwards towards his bed.
No, this was wrong. He had a girlfriend. He had Agatha, and Baz was evil.
I was just touching his chest, that’s what enemies do, Simon argued with himself in his head. He was getting a headache.
After talking to himself for some time, he came to a conclusion: that never happened and it could never happen again.
He laid himself down on his own bed again, thinking about anything but Baz.
Chapter 2: Shirts & Closets
The dreams from that night had been too much to handle. The first dream fucked him up, but the second just made everything so much worse. It had felt so real. All he could think about that day, was Snow touching his chest. It had felt so real, it was unfair.
As a consequence, he couldn’t concentrate during that important test. Lucky for him, Bunce couldn’t either. She had probably been thinking about her boyfriend from America, Micah.
He didn’t know him very well, he only overheard conversations about him between Bunce and Snow. He’d heard he was handsome, friendly and that he played football. That was honestly everything.
Baz thought it was strange Bunce didn’t describe Micah more if she was ‘so in love with him’. If he were asked to describe Snow, he would need 5 hours. Probably more.
There were so many words to describe Simon, but none of them really put his features in value. His hair was curly and bronze, but not only that. It was so much more, and there just weren’t enough words to portray it.
The same was true for his eyes. His extraordinary, unordinary blue eyes. They were lakes with a setting sun. They were melting ice with a burning fire. They were a clear blue sky, which was about to darken for the night. They were raindrops on blue orchids. Every time he looked in them, he found himself drowning. Drowning in water, ice and fire at the same time.
Baz tried to avoid eye contact at all cost, he didn’t want to find himself on his knees for Snow. He would use it against him and turn his life into hell. Even more hell then it was right now.
He was reading a book when Snow stormed in. Snow never just walked in, he always stormed in. He had this aura around him that made everything light up. It was like magic.
“Oh, you’re here…” Simon said, with a touch of disappointment in his voice, and another emotion Baz couldn’t quite place.
Without looking up from his book, Baz scoffed: “Don’t know if you noticed it before, but I live here too, y'know.”
“Of course I know, Baz. I have been dealing with you for almost two years now.”
“Why did you bother asking then? And before answering that, that was a rhetorical question… It means I don’t want an answer.”
“Don’t act like I’m an idiot, Baz. I know what that means. I just didn’t expect you to be here, since you’re always gone when I’m here.” Baz looked at him and noticed a glance of anger and despair in his eyes. Oh, his eyes… He quickly focused his view on his book again.
“Oh I wonder why…” He teased with a sarcastic tone. Making Snow upset was his profession.
“Christ, just shut the hell up!”
Snow jumped on his bed and sat down in an angry-looking position, with his arms folded in front of his chest and his back to Baz. Good, now Baz didn’t have to look at his face and his eyes.
Baz looked up, grinning. He loved making him angry like that, it was the only thing better than loving him, hating him. Well, it wasn’t better, it was just easier to deal with. And Snow just made it too easy.
He let himself enjoy the sight of Snow’s muscled back for a moment, and then pulled his eyes away and back to his book. He couldn’t concentrate, though. Simon’s presence was distracting. And he just wanted to talk some more with him. Even if he had to make stupid remarks to make him angry.
“Hey Snow,” Baz started.
“You called me Simon before…,” Simon mumbled from the other side of the room, clearly audible for Baz, but still he acted as if he didn’t hear it.
“Why aren’t you with your great girlfriend?” Simon’s body froze and he sat up briskly. He spoke softly, but with steady voice.
“None of your damn business, Baz.”
Baz was a little hurt by that, but quickly rebuild his façade. Lucky for him, Snow was still facing the wall. With a sneer, he responded: “Well, Snow, it will be my damn business if you’re gonna weep about it at night.”
Snow turned around, a confused glance in his eyes. Fuck, Baz didn’t mean it that way.
“I meant that I already have a hard time trying to sleep with your snoring, I don’t need your crying too,” he quickly added. Snow’s face fell.
“I - I don’t snore. Agatha told me.”
“Then your pretty girlfriend must have been lying to you, because you bloody well do. It always wakes me up,” Baz scoffed.
Snow stayed quiet. That was weird. Normally, the boy would immediately defend Wellbelove, she was his girlfriend after all. But this time, he didn’t. Baz wondered why, but he didn’t dare to ask.
He tried to concentrate on his book again, but he felt the other boy’s stares as if the sun was shining in his eyes. Why was he staring at him?
Baz slowly looked up, trying to catch Snow’s gaze. As he moved his head up though, he noticed his roommate was staring at his chest. But as soon as Simon noticed Baz watching him, he quickly looked away with a little blush on his cheeks.
Baz was confused. Why was Snow blushing? Why was there an awkward feeling in the air between the two? And why - for Crowley’s sake - was Snow staring at his chest? That dream that felt so real…
No, Baz rapidly shook of that thought. Of course it had been a dream. There was probably just something wrong with Baz’s shirt.
But testing wouldn’t hurt, right?
With an appearance of calmness (which he totally wasn’t), he slowly closed his book and laid it next to him. Snow was still trying to seem as if he hadn’t been staring at him, watching the wall behind Baz and secretly throwing glances at him. Good.
Casually, he took the end of his shirt and pulled it over his head, watching Snow’s reaction carefully. He threw it across the room and let his hand slide through his hair to fix it.
With the burning feeling of Snow’s stares, he grabbed his book again and started reading where he left. He held the book in a position where his bare chest was clearly visible, but his face wasn’t. He didn’t want to show how much he was blushing.
After a few minutes, - (Baz had been secretly looking at Simon a few times, and every time the golden-haired boy was staring at him) - Simon finally spoke.
“B - Baz…,” His heart made a little jump, he wasn’t expecting Snow to talk like that.
“What’s wrong, Snow? Cat got your tongue?” Baz replied, without removing the book from his face. The blush still hadn’t gone away, which was normal since he was sitting in front of Snow in his bare chest. He was pretty proud of his abs, but the thought of Simon seeing them made him a little anxious.
“I’m not - Baz, why - Baz,” Simon spoke with a raspy voice. Chills ran down Baz’s spine.
“Can you maybe shut up? I’m trying to read here,” he responded, not really succeeding in keeping his voice steady.
“Baz,” he says again.
“You’re–you’re not wearing a shirt.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
“Why are you not wearing a shirt?”
“It’s hot in here.”
“No it’s not, it’s fucking freezing. There’s even snow outside!”
“You’re not outside, you’re here,” Baz grinned.
“Baz, for Crowley’s sake, put your shirt back on!”
“Put. It. On.” Simon looked at him with a fierce glance in his eyes. Oh, those eyes. But he knew what to say.
He wasn’t wearing a shirt. Why was he not wearing a fucking shirt. He couldn’t cope with this. He couldn’t cope with Baz’s bare chest.
And then Baz started flirting with him. Not okay. Definitely not okay.
Simon didn’t know what was going on in his head, but it sure as hell weren’t clean thoughts. Oh what he wanted to do to Baz right there…
No, he wasn’t gay. He was with Agatha. Well, not anymore, since they broke up that morning. (She just wanted to be friends) (He couldn’t say he felt really disappointed, though).
Baz just had to put his shirt back on, and everything would be okay. But as the stubborn devil he was, he’d refused. And now he was smirking at Simon. With his fucking abs out in the open.
This wasn’t good. This wasn’t what he wanted. (Or maybe he did) (Shut up).
He just needed Baz to put his shirt back on. He wanted Baz not to put his shirt back on.
All of his thoughts were confusing Simon. What should he do? What should he say?
Then, he noticed he had been staring at Baz during his whole thought process, and he quickly shut his mouth.
“Like what you see?” The black-haired boy asked him with an evil grin.
“Just - No - Put it - Dammit, Baz,” He stuttered. Great comeback there, he said to himself.
He bit his lip. Then he stopped because he didn’t want to send out the wrong signals. Then he bit his lip again.
“I have no clue what you just said, but I’ll take that as a yes,” Baz winked at him. He fucking winked. Baz just fucking WINKED at him. This was too much to handle.
He was fucking biting his lip seductively. Was he trying to seduce him? Why was he doing that?
Baz had just wanted to tease him a little, but he wasn’t sure if he could hold himself back any longer if Snow kept biting his lip. He wanted to kiss those lips, and many other things too.
But Snow was straight, and he didn’t love Baz, he hated him.
Why was he so flustered by his bare chest then? Why was Snow biting his lip? Was he…?
No, only in his dreams. It would never happen in real life. Only in his sweet dreams.
Crowley, what did he have to do? Run away? Kiss him? Bite him?
And Snow just kept staring and biting his lip.
This was too much to handle.
“Baz,” he said, no power left in his voice.
“What?!” The other boy snapped at him.
“Can you put your shirt back on, please?” He begged.
“But I’m hot!” Baz whined.
“I know, but -” Oh fuck, did he just admit that Baz was hot? Oh no.
Baz raised his left eyebrow. He still looked so calm. How did he manage that?
“N - Not - Not in that way I mean like you said you were hot before and you didn’t want to put on your shirt because you were hot and so when you said you were hot I just said I know because you already told me and not because I think you’re hot I mean I’m not saying you’re not hot but like I didn’t mean it that way and -” Simon suddenly stopped rambling. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. He couldn’t help himself. Baz was doing this to him.
“Wow Simon that was a beautiful sentence right there, even though I didn’t understand a single word.”
Wait a minute, Simon thought.
“You just called me Simon,” he said.
Baz’s expression fell for a second, a blush colored his cheeks. Simon made a little triumph dance in his head.
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.”
“Shut up, Snow!” Baz had looked away now, ruffling his black hair. Simon finally got him where he wanted. He scooted closer to Baz, who was now blushing even harder.
Simon let his face hover above Baz’s, since the taller boy was sitting down, pressing his back against the wall. With all of his might, he kept himself from trembling, and he whispered in the other boy’s ear.
His whole body felt like it was on fire, he had to get away. Get away from this stupid boy that made his heart bounce like a trampoline.
Snow had used his own flirt against him. He would regret that. But not today.
Baz looked at the other boy for the last time, then he ran out the door, grabbing his shirt with him.
He just ran away. How could he just run away like that?
Simon felt proud, because he succeeded in making Baz blush and making him run away. But he also felt bad for the black-haired boy.
No, he shouldn’t feel bad, it was his own fault. He started it all, by taking off his damn shirt.
Simon stood up from his roommate’s bed and went out off their room too. Not to go after Baz, certainly not. He deserved it, the prick.
No, he went to the only person he could go right now, Penny.
“Yeah, sure, just storm inside without permission, why not.”
“Sorry Penny, but this was an emergency!” Simon exclaimed, while sitting down on Penny’s bed. He didn’t dare to touch Trixie’s bed.
“Another Baz-mergency? Seriously? What did he do now? Throw glitter over your bed?”
Simon rolled his eyes and sighed. He was debating whether or not he should tell Penny about this. Normally, he would. But everything that happened just seemed rather personal, between the two of them.
“No, just, Baz was acting annoying again…,” he decided to keep it for himself.
“Awesome, can we now talk about something that doesn’t contain the word ‘Baz’ in every sentence?”
Penny had definitely changed since they first met, she was less shy and more badass. Simon liked it a lot.
“What about Micah and the party?” Simon suggested.
“Oh yes, that’s going to be so much fun! I’m so hyped for it!” Penny started bouncing up and down, clapping her hands. She was very excited it seemed.
“It’s Friday right?”
“Yup! Oh, and you can invite Baz too if you want,” Penny added.
“What? Why would I want that?” Simon started blushing slightly, but turned his head away to hide it.
“Just ask him, he probably has nothing better to do. And if he doesn’t want to, good for you.”
“Fine,” Simon pouted. “But he’ll probably refuse.”
Penny gave him a weird look. “Well, that’s then for the better, right?” she asked him.
“Yeah, of course,” he replied, shrugging.
Now he had to talk to Baz again. The thought made his heart do weird jumps. He liked the flirting with Baz, he loved making him uncomfortable. But he didn’t want to send out the wrong signals.
What if Baz liked him too? No, no way that was possible. They hated each other. Well, Baz hated him. Simon didn’t know what he thought of Baz anymore. The only thing he could think about was his black-haired roommate.
The way he winked at him. The way he blushed. The way he had looked at him when he was pressed against the wall and Simon had hovered above his face.
He already knew what he was going to dream about that night.
He couldn’t sleep. Baz wasn’t in their room. Why was he not there? He had been lying awake for more than three hours now, and still no sign of Baz.
Had he exaggerated? Maybe he shouldn’t have come so close to Baz.
What if he had gone to the principal and demanded another roommate? He couldn’t do that! Not now, when Simon started to like him. As a friend. Not as anything else. Unless Baz wanted to, of course.
What if he had run away from college? All because Simon couldn’t handle himself. That couldn’t happen again. He shouldn’t let himself go anymore like that, it already happened twice.
Oh god, what if he…?
Suddenly, it became really hot in their room. Simon sat up and ruffled his curls. Crowley it was hot!
He hesitated for a second, but then took off his shirt. It didn’t matter anyway, Baz wasn’t even there. He threw it across the room, just like the other boy had done earlier.
Where the fuck was Baz? Simon began to worry. Maybe he should go look for him.
No, he should just stay in bed, and go to sleep. Nothing he could do. Baz was probably hanging out somewhere else. But where could he be? Simon didn’t know if he even had friends to go to.
Debating whether or not he should go look for him, he stood up from his bed and started walking back and forth in their room.
It was still too warm in there. Had Baz turned the heating all the way up or what? He was already shirtless, but he kept sweating. This wasn’t normal.
Quickly he took off his pants too. He was still wearing boxers beneath them, so he wasn’t fully naked. Maybe he should go see a nurse or something.
No, he had to find Baz. Maybe he was in trouble…
Simon decided he should go out and look for Baz – after putting his clothes back on, of course. But first, he needed to turn of the heating.
He walked towards the closet where the heating was located in, opened the doors and quickly stepped in. He never knew why the closet was so big just to hold the heater, but maybe it was secretly the doorway to Narnia or something. He didn’t question it too much.
The doors fell back behind him, making it pitch-black inside.
“Dammit,” he said, searching for the off-switch on the heating with his hands. When he finally found it, he triggered it and the heating immediately stopped buzzing, no more warm air coming out of it. Simon let out a happy sigh and turned to the doors again.
But when he reached out to push them open, he heard the front door of their room getting unlocked. Carefully, Simon pushed the doors slightly open, so he could see who was entering their room.
It was Baz.
And then he realized he was only wearing boxers.
“Fuck,” he whispered. This was going to be a long night.
Chapter 3: Floors & Books
He had been hiding in the library until he was sure Snow would be asleep. Then he quietly made his way back to their room, trying not to get caught.
Relieved when he finally reached it, he unlocked the door and slid in. It was remarkably calm. Why was Snow not snoring? He couldn’t be awake, it was already past midnight. Snow always fell asleep way before that – Baz would know.
Trying to make as little sound as possible, he tiptoed over to his roommate’s bed. But nobody was there. It was empty, although the blankets were ruffled like someone had been laying there, but got out.
Huh, Baz thought. That’s strange.
He’d think Snow was with Wellbelove, but the bed looked like someone just woke up from it. Something was going on. Then he noticed Simon’s shirt and trousers laying on the floor.
“Snow?” Baz said.
No response came.
“Where the fuck are you?” He mumbled under his breath.
Baz knew. He was going to find him. Simon wouldn’t have a problem with that if he hadn’t been almost naked. What was he going to do? He had to hide. But there was no hiding spot in the closet, it was empty except for the heating. And that wasn’t big enough to hide behind.
He was so fucked. Again.
Simon tried to sit down, but he accidentally tripped over his own feet and fell with a soft thud on the floor of the closet.
Suddenly, a soft thud could be heard from the closet behind him. Was Snow hiding inside? Why would he…?
And then he realized. It was pretty hot in the room and Snow’s clothes were scattered around the floor. He had probably been turning off the heating and was now hiding in the closet. But why was he hiding?
Well, that was inconvenient. But Baz wasn’t going to let Snow spent all night in the closet, just because he was missing some clothes. Baz prayed he was still wearing underwear, because otherwise it would be too awkward. As if it wasn’t already.
He cleared his throat, trying to get his cheeks back to their original color.
“Snow,” he started. “Snow, come out of the closet.” Baz started snickering. Oh man, that sounded wrong. Simon didn’t answer.
“Snooooooow,” he started becoming inpatient. He just wanted to go to bed.
A quiet “no” could be heard from inside.
“Snow, come on, I just wanna go to bed, get out.”
“Go to bed then, leave me be.”
“I don’t care if you’re naked, which you probably aren’t, but I don’t want you to spent the night there.”
“Why?” Snow asked with a soft voice. “Why do you care?”
Baz felt uncomfortable.
“Because I lo –,” Baz hit himself in his face. He almost said it, that wasn’t supposed to happen.
“What? I didn’t hear you.”
“It doesn’t matter, just get out and then we can both go to sleep,” he said with a yawn.
“No, I don’t – I think I’m gonna stay here for some time, y'know, it’s a nice place to think and it’s not that hot in here and I just –”
“Snow, shut up and get out!”
“NO!” Simon yelled.
“Get out or I’ll come and get you!”
“FUCK YOU, BAZ! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“FINE!” Baz shouted back. “YOU ASKED FOR IT!”
Breathing heavily, he ran towards the closet and threw the doors open. But then he suddenly fell backwards because Simon had been leaning against them. And now they were both lying on the floor, on top of each other.
That didn’t go as planned. He thought maybe he could lean against the doors so that they couldn’t be opened, but he forgot they opened the other way. And now he was laying on top of Baz. In his boxers.
Baz had a surprised look on his face, but he didn’t shove him off. He just stared at Simon, with his gray eyes. They were the prettiest thing he had ever seen. It seemed like they were just two gray puddles, but if you looked closely enough, you could see everything behind it.
He saw flames burning in them. He saw water splashing down from a waterfall. He saw the universe being sucked in a giant hole. He saw stars. His eyes were stars.
“Simon,” Baz whispered. He was still looking into his eyes. He couldn’t look away. He loved the stars.
Simon felt himself getting drawn closer to the boy beneath him. He looked at Baz’s lips. They looked so soft. He wanted to feel them – with his own lips. He wanted to taste him. Taste Baz.
He moved his face even closer, until their noses were touching. Still looking at him. He wanted to kiss him so bad. He was going to-
“Simon, I- I can’t breathe…” Baz said, breaking the trance they were both in.
“Oh yeah, yeah I – sorry – wait,” Simon suddenly became very aware of where he was and what he was wearing. He quickly pushed himself off, looking away and ignoring Baz. He then leaped himself into his bed, pulled the blanket over him and faced the wall.
What was I thinking?
He was still laying on the floor. He couldn’t force himself to get up, he needed a minute.
That had been way to intense. Snow had been staring into his eyes, and he had been forced to look back into his eyes. And once again, he had found himself drowning in them. Drowning in the stormy seas and the fiery flames.
Baz could’ve kissed him right there – Snow had been staring at his lips so intensely, he probably wanted to kiss him too. Too bad he had been crushing Baz’s body.
He had felt Simon’s muscles right through his shirt. It had been unbearable. Oh god, why didn’t he kiss him. He missed the perfect opportunity.
But still, maybe he had read Simon’s signals wrong and hadn’t he want to kiss Baz. Either way, after Baz had told him he was squeezing his body, he had run off and he was now laying in bed, completely ignoring him.
What a great night. Everything just went worse and worse.
The next day wasn’t any better. When Baz woke up (he always woke up first), he quickly put on his clothes, grabbed his books and ran off to the library. After spending five minutes staring at Snow, of course. He couldn’t help it, he was still only wearing boxers, so his chest was clearly visible. It killed Baz.
Another thing that killed him was the fact that he had to talk to Snow about this. He didn’t want to, and he was pretty sure the other boy didn’t want to either, but they had to. They couldn’t ignore each other during the day and then flirt and stare at each other at night. But he definitely wasn’t looking forward to it.
Right now, Baz found himself at the back of the library - his favorite place. Nobody really came there, it was quiet and calm, and there was a comfy couch. What could he want more?
But that wasn’t in his reach. Even though Simon clearly had been flirting with him, and didn’t move when he had been laying on top of Baz, he was still straight. Not to mention he hated him.
He should probably have been studying, since the end of the year was near, but he was reading this great book and he wanted to know how it ended. It was about two wizards in a magickal world, and they loved each other. Baz loved it. It was so cute how they both were in love, but didn’t know it about the other. He saw many similarities between the main characters in the book and him and Simon. The only difference was that there was no such thing as magic. And Snow didn’t love him back. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t hope, right?
He just started reading chapter 61 (kiss already, goddammit), when Snow appeared. Great. Just what he needed.
Out of breath, Snow arrived at the couch Baz was sitting on. Baz ignored him while Snow was trying to catch his breath, bent over a little with his hands on his knees.
“No,” he quickly interrupted. He wasn’t ready yet, and he wanted to read that book.
Simon sighed. “Baz, I need to talk to you.”
“Fuck off, I’m reading,” he spitted. The golden-haired boy came closer and sat down next to him.
“Yeah, sure, why don’t you sit down,” Baz mumbled under his breath.
“What are you reading?” Simon asked, interested.
“Nothing, go away.” He moved further from the other boy. Snow followed.
“Look,” Baz started. “I don’t-”
“Carry On.” Snow read out loud.
“The book. It’s called ‘Carry On’.”
“Wow, Snow, I didn’t know you could read,” he said sarcastically.
Ignoring Baz’s remark, Simon said: “What is it about? Is it good?”
“Yes, very good.” Why were they having a normal conversation like they were friends?
“What is it about?”
Baz laughed. He actually laughed. It’s been a long time since actually laughed. For a second, he was happy. And then he realized he was talking with Snow, who hated him. He immediately stopped.
“Erm, it’s about wizards…”
“Oh, like Harry Potter?” Baz was surprised Snow knew Harry Potter. He probably only saw the movies, but still.
“Sorta, it’s ga – I mean it has a little more romance in it,” Baz quickly corrected himself.
“Oh. Sounds nice. How far are you?”
“Chapter 61.” They were just about to kiss, he added in his thoughts.
“Can I- I mean can you read it for me?” Snow asked.
“Aww, c'mon Baz! Pleaseeee,” he begged.
“Stop whining, no.”
Snow started to pout and looked angrily at him. Baz concentrated on the book again, but couldn’t really focus, Snow was too close.
“Could you maybe go away, or just move?” He asked friendly, with a not-so-friendly undertone.
“Why?” Simon asked. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” He scooted closer to him with an evil grin on his face. “You don’t like me this close?”
Baz tried to keep his face straight, but as he already knew, being straight wasn’t one of his best qualities.
“I just don’t like your face, go away,” he tried to push Snow away, but the boy was persistent.
“Is that so, Baz?” Simon moved his head even closer.
Baz closed his eyes. “Sod off, Snow.”
“You didn’t want me to sod off yesterday, when I was lying on top of you,” Simon stated.
“Go. Away.” His breathing became faster and shorter. Fucking Snow.
“Make me.” Simon breathed in his face. Baz thought he was going to faint.
“Fuck you, Snow. Seriously,” he said. He was never going to survive this.
He looked into Baz’s eyes again, he looked a little scared. Simon was surprised. He made Baz like this?
He let his eyes flow over the black-haired boy’s face, and stopped at his mouth. He could kiss him right there- he should kiss him right there. What was he waiting for? But maybe Baz didn’t want to kiss him, maybe he didn’t like him like Simon liked Baz.
So he backed off, he slid away from the other boy, without breaking eye-contact.
Simon cleared his throat and looked at the book Baz had been reading. Again, he had been surprised he liked romance books, and he was interested in it.
Baz didn’t notice what Simon was doing until he had the book in his hands.
“No! Give it back, Snow!” He exclaimed desperately, holding out his arms to grab it back.
“I just want to read it,” he turned away from Baz’s arms and started reading out loud where the other boy left off.
“ ’Chapter 61, Ben.’ Nice name, sounds a bit like Baz, doesn’t it?” He looked at Baz, who was laying on his side, defeated.
“ ’That’s it. I’m going to have to spell this imbecile away from me. My last deed will be to save Samuel Sauce’s life, and my whole family will be ashamed.’ Wait a minute, his name is Sauce? Poor dude!”
“Says the guy named Snow,” Baz snapped at him.
“Anyway, ’He’s holding on to my face, expecting me to stay alive just because he’s told me to–because he’s Samuel bloody Sauce, and he gets whatever he wants if he growls loud enough.’ I have no idea what’s happening.”
“Oh, I wonder why,” he heard Baz say.
“Shhhh,” He shushed him. “'I think I might kiss him before I send him flying.’ Wait, what? Baz? Are they… gay?”
Baz let out a sigh. Why was Baz reading a book about gay wizards? Does that mean…?
“No, Ben is gay. He’s in love with Samuel, but Samuel doesn’t know and he thinks Ben hates him.”
“Oh…” An awkward silence filled the room. “So, Samuel isn’t gay?” Simon asked.
“Ben wants Samuel to be gay, because he has a huge crush on him and because Ben thinks Samuel is the most beautiful person he has ever seen. But they’re supposed to be enemies, so Ben is pretty sure Samuel hates him.”
Simon got a feeling this wasn’t about the book anymore.
“But maybe Samuel is in love with him,” Simon slowly started. “And Ben just doesn’t want to see it because he thinks Samuel hates him?”
“No, Samuel definitely hates Ben.”
“Why are you so sure about that?”
Baz looked at him. “Because Ben is an awful person and doesn’t deserve love.”
“That’s not true, Ben is an awesome person, he’s beautiful, smart and even though he thinks he doesn’t, he deserves it even more than Samuel.” Simon was probably crossing the line, but they were still talking about the book, right?
“How do you know, you haven’t even read the whole book. You don’t even know him.” Baz said with a lump in his throat.
“I know he’s a good person, and that he’s perfect.”
“No, he’s not, he’s far from perfect.” Baz let out a little sob, pushed himself up and ran out of the library.
Maybe he should go after him. No, there was nothing between them, just enemies fighting. Nothing else.
Then he noticed the book still laying on his lap. Give it back or read it? He let his hand slide through his curls, they were a bit messy since he hadn’t got the time to fix them before seeing Baz.
Simon flipped through the pages until he arrived at page one. And that’s how he spent his whole afternoon.
He cried four times.
He didn’t expect it, but it got worse. Crowley, he had been able to cope with Snow coming so close physically, but not emotionally. He hoped Simon interpreted it wrong, because he had thrown all his secrets on the table. But what the other boy had said… Beautiful, smart, perfect. That wasn’t about Baz, right? That was about Ben. For sure.
Baz was laying in bed again, no sign of Snow. He was probably disgusted by him, and thought that he was stupid. Because he was. The biggest idiot ever. He had confessed his love for his enemy, not literally but he was sure Snow could read through the lines, he wasn’t that dumb.
Baz turned around in is bed, looking for the clock. Oh yeah, he forgot. They didn’t have a clock anymore, thanks to him.
He grabbed his phone from his night table and unlocked it. For a moment, he got blinded by the bright light of his screen, but then his eyes adjusted and he saw it was almost midnight. Snow was probably with his girlfriend.
It made him a little sick to think about that, but he had to face reality. His life wasn’t a romance book, it wasn’t made up by someone. It was real. And Simon being in love with him, wasn’t. It only happened in his dreams. They weren’t Samuel and Ben, they were Simon and Baz. Two different stories. Even though Sauceben was a thing, Snowbaz would never be. Ever.
A tear slipped out of his eye- he abruptly wiped it away with his hand. No more tears for Snow.
When he woke up, their room was already bathing in sunlight from the rising sun. It landed on Snow. Who was staring at him from the other side of the room, holding the book in front of his chest.
“You have been crying,” Simon declared. Baz inhaled deeply, draping his arm over his head so he didn’t have to face him.
“None of your businesses,” he said stern.
“I- I read your book…” Snow began. Baz sat up briskly, his heart skipped a beat.
“No, you didn’t.” He couldn’t believe it. It was something from Baz, only for him. He didn’t want to share it with someone else.
“Yes I did. I loved it. It was one of the best books I’ve ever read.” Baz didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t even know Snow liked to read. So he just kept quiet, looking everywhere but Simon.
“It needed more kissing, though,” Simon continued, trying to keep the conversation going. Baz was gaping at him. Did he really just say that?
“Look, Baz, about yesterday in the library, I-”
“There’s nothing to talk about. We were just discussing the book,” Baz lied.
Simon looked hurt.
“If that’s what you think of it, fine.” Snow clenched his jaw. “Here’s your book,” he said, throwing it at Baz.
He nearly dodged it, ducking right before it would smash in his face. They were enemies again, good. Baz could handle that.
“Don’t fucking throw books at me, you moron!” He shouted, carefully placing the book on his night table, not looking at the other boy. From the corner of his eye, he could see Snow was getting angry, shaking with frustration.
“You’re a fucking mess, Baz! No wonder nobody wants to be friends with you! No wonder everyone hates you, even your parents!”
Ouch. That hurt.
“Get. Out.” Baz clenched his fists. Snow crossed the line.
“No, Baz, I didn’t-”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!” He spat at him.
Simon looked at him for the last time and ran out the door. Baz collapsed on his bed, smashing his pillow with his fists. Fucking Snow. The worst part was that he was right. Baz was a mess, nobody liked him. For a moment he’d thought that maybe, maybe, Simon liked him too. But he had been wrong.
Everybody hated him.
Chapter 4: Tears & Flowers
There was a knock on the door. She had already woken up to repeat her curriculum she had to learn for a test, so she was dressed and ready to face her roommate again.
Trixie was a nice girl, but she often brought her girlfriend with her to make out on her bed, and that wasn’t something Penelope would like to see. She had told her that, and Trixie made no big deal out of it. She had said she would sleep at her girlfriend’s place then, no problem.
So most of the time, Trixie came back about half an hour before her classes started, which was around now. But why would she knock? She probably forgot her key, Penny thought.
But when she opened the door, she wasn’t faced with her sparkly roommate, in front of her stood Simon. Crying. What had Baz done this time?
“Simon? What happened?” He ignored her and stormed inside, quietly sobbing.
“Simon?” She repeated.
“It’s my fault, it’s all my fault, I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have said that. He probably hates me now,” he wept with his hands in front of his face.
“Simon, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Is it Baz? Use your words, Simon!” She didn’t want to sound so rude, but she didn’t understand and she wanted to help him.
“I told him everybody hates him,” he sobbed. “And his parents too.”
“You did WHAT?” Penelope exclaimed, shocked.
Simon looked at her in distress. “I know, I wasn’t thinking!”
“Simon, you know his mother died a few years ago right?”
Simon pouted and nodded, saying: “Yes, like I said I wasn’t thinking!”
Penelope became frustrated: “It’s not because you hate him you can insult him! He loved his mother and it’s not his fault she died! And she loved him! And not everyone hates him, why would you say that?”
“I- I don’t know, Penny. I didn’t mean to, he was just making me angry with those sneers and grins, I couldn’t handle it anymore.”
“So then you tell him the world hates him?”
“Penny, I didn’t mean to!”
“But you did!”
“Stop yelling at me!”
Suddenly, Penelope realized what they were doing and shut her mouth. She looked at the ground and tried to fix her breathing.
“Sorry Simon, I know you didn’t mean to, but you hurt his feelings.” She told him.
“I know, Penny. I know. What do I do?” He asked her, regret in his eyes.
She thought for a moment. “Go back, apologize.” It was the only possible thing he could do right now.
“But he probably hates me right now, I can’t go back.”
“He already hated you, according to you, anyway. Just go,” she said, pushing him out the door.
“But what if-” She quickly shut the door before he could finish his sentence. She heard him shouting through the door at him.
A deep sigh could be heard from the other side of the door, and then footsteps. This wasn’t going to end well, but he had to apologize. Baz wasn’t always a nice person, but he still had a heart. And she was pretty sure it was beating for Simon.
Crowley, he was stressed. But he had to apologize, it was his fault. So stupid. He banged his head against the wall. Stupid stupid stupid.
“Simon?” A soft voice came from behind him. He jumped and turned around. Agatha was standing there, wearing a beautiful white dress and her blonde hair was topped by a flower crown. She looked amazing.
“Oh, Agatha. Erm hi,” he waved awkwardly at her.
“Why were you banging your head against the wall?” Fuck, she had seen it.
“Just a little headache, nothing to worry about,” he quickly made up.
“So you have a headache and you bang your head to fix it?” She remarked. She was too smart.
“Yeah, sorta. Anyway, you look very pretty,” he complimented her, trying to change the subject.
She smiled. “Thanks. I needed that. Sorry for the whole breaking-up thing, I just think we’re not meant for each other. I like being on my own.”
“That’s fine, Aggie. I think you made the right decision. I’m happy for you,” he smiled back at her.
She turned around, saying: “Well, I better go, my class is nearly starting. Bye Simon.” She hopped away, her dress waving around her legs. It was such a pure view, he had to look away. But he hadn’t lied, he was glad that she was happier on her own. She shined more alone than she did with Simon, even he could see that.
But now he had to face Baz, and his heart started to ache again. He liked Baz. He wasn’t sure in which way, but he liked him, and he didn’t want to hurt him. It had just been a defensive reaction, he didn’t mean it. And that’s what he should tell him. But he needed to do something else first.
He should go somewhere else, hide from Snow. Hide his tears, his feelings. But he couldn’t. He was emotionally drained and he could do nothing except for laying in bed and crying his eyes out. He cried so much the last time, he was such a baby.
He missed his mom. He’d loved her so much, she had been there for him when he needed her. She had loved her more than anyone else in the world. She hadn’t hated him. Right? Snow was wrong. She had cared for him. She had been there when he said his first words, she’d been there when he set his first steps, she’d been there when he went to school for the first time.
But she hadn’t been there when he went to college. She died in a car accident three years ago. And it was all Baz’s fault. He had gone to a stupid party and he had drunk too much, and then he had called his mother to come get him. And of course she had come, she loved him, she’d have done anything for him.
However, she never reached him. She was halfway there when she got hit by another car, she immediately died due to the hard blow.
The last time he’d seen her was the night before, when he’d had a nightmare and she’d come to comfort him.
“It’s okay, little puff. Everything’s gonna be alright, I promise.” He could still hear her saying those words.
“Everything’s not okay, mom,” he sobbed. “Help me, please. I miss you so much.”
A knock on the door woke him up. He had fallen asleep again while sitting on the floor, leaning against his bed with his back. He quickly wiped away the tears that were left on his face and checked himself in the mirror in the bathroom. He looked like shit. Great.
But it didn’t matter how he looked. He didn’t care. His life was messed up, he had enough. Maybe he could quit college and go travel around the world. That would be better than spending his days fighting with Snow and later crying about it.
Baz shuffled to the door, taking his time. It was probably someone who came for Snow. Nobody ever came for him. He put his hand on the door handle, letting out a sigh. Then he pushed it down and opened the door. He hadn’t been prepared for what stood in front of him. Or better, who stood in front of him.
Simon Snow, holding a bouquet of flowers. He immediately slammed the door in his face. Nope.
A silent voice came from the other side. “Baz, c'mon. Let me in, please?”
I already let you in too close, he thought. Out loud he said: “You have your key, you can easily come in.”
Snow was quiet for a moment, then: “I know, but I want to have your permission.”
Baz let out a fake laugh. “Then you’ll stand there for a while.”
“Baz, please, I’m sorry-”
“Sorry for what? Telling the truth? For letting me face reality?” Another tear fell out of his eye. Why couldn’t he stop crying?
“Baz, that’s not true, not everyone hates you, I didn’t mean that. Let me in, please?”
“It is true, the only person that liked me is dead. Nobody cares about me, don’t act like it just to make me happy.” He tried to say it with anger in his voice, but it just sounded like he was desperate. Which he was.
“I care about you, I like you,” he heard Simon say. “I even brought flowers for you.”
Lies. Snow didn’t care for him and he certainly didn’t like him. He was just trying to get closer to hurt him again.
Baz didn’t say anything back.
“Baz? Please, let me in…”
He kept quiet.
A deep sigh could be heard, and Simon spoke with a slightly trembling voice: “F-Fine. I-I’ll just leave. It’s o-okay. Sorry. I mean it.”
Snow was gone. His footsteps were fading away, slowly, like he was waiting for Baz to come out. But he wouldn’t, he was going to wait until he was sure Snow was away.
After five minutes, he finally opened the door. There, on the floor in the middle of the hallway, laid the bouquet. The flowers were all different shades of blue. His favorite color.
Baz picked up the flowers, and a card fell out. Carefully, trying not to squeeze the flowers, he picked it up and took both gifts back inside. After closing the door, he sat down on his bed.
First, he sniffed the flowers. They smelled exactly like he’d expected. Fresh and full of life, the opposite of Baz. Another scent coming from it was one that he’d known for two years now, and which he had learned to love over the months. Simon’s smell. Cinnamon buns and homemade cookies. It smelled like home.
Then he put the flowers away. He hid them in the heating closet, he didn’t want Snow to know he kept them.
When he was sitting on his bed again, he looked at the card. It had a picture of a Labrador on it, and next to it, Snow had drawn a speech bubble in which he had written ‘sorry’. Baz laughed through his tears, that was something only Simon would do. He opened the card and started reading.
(I don’t think you’re worthless)
I choose this card because it has a dog on it. And I like dogs, so yeah. And also, the dog is golden. Like my hair. So it’s kinda like me saying sorry as a dog. That doesn’t make sense.
I wanted to say sorry, for everything I said. I didn’t mean it, I was just angry at you. I never mean what I say when I’m angry. It’s just who I am. And I get angry a lot when you’re with me, not because I hate you, just because I want to hate you. Which I can’t, because I like you.
I try to ignore you, I really do, but you’re pretty and I like
(how your hair feels) your hair. I just wanted to say that.
Also I know not everybody hates you, there are a lot of people that don’t know you, so they can’t hate you. That sounded wrong I think. Whatever. I just meant sorry. For what I said about you and your family. I know about your mom and you probably miss her, and it was very rude of me to say that. Sorry. I probably said that too much but I don’t care, I really mean it. Sorry.
Baz was speechless and read the whole letter again. And again. He didn’t realize he had started crying again after a tear fell on the card and made a little stain. This was so nice of Snow, but he didn’t deserve this, not after what he’d done to him during these years.
He fumbled the card up in his hand until it was a little gag and threw it under his bed. Simon had written that he liked him. But he didn’t mean it, not in the way Baz wanted it, anyway. There could never be something between them, it wasn’t possible.
Baz curled up in a ball, his head between his legs and his arms wrapped around himself, and stayed seated like that for a while. He didn’t know how much time had passed when he finally sat up again, but it was already getting dark outside, so it had to be around dinner time.
For dinner, he usually went to the cafeteria to grab some food, and he would eat it in the library or in their room. But Simon was probably there right now, and he couldn’t face him. Not after what he’d done for him.
But Baz was getting hungry…
Maybe he should go anyway, the chance of seeing Snow would be very small. But he couldn’t risk it, he really didn’t want to see him right now. So he let himself fall down on his bed, with his face in his pillow. He tried to think about happy things, but images of his mother kept flying around in his head. He missed her so much…
Baz wasn’t in the cafeteria, he should’ve known. There was a little piece of him that had believed Baz would be there, that had hoped Baz would be there. But he wasn’t.
He tried to look like he wasn’t disappointed, but judging by Penny’s glares, he knew he wasn’t being very subtle.
“Simon!” He startled when his thoughts were interrupted by a shouting and angry-looking Penny.
“You were staring in the distance again. Are you looking for Agatha? Because she-”
“Why would I look for her? We broke up.”
“I know. What are you searching for then?”
Simon shrugged. “Nobody.”
Penny looked at him, studying his face. Then her eyes lit up and she slammed her hand on the table they were sitting on. Simon jumped.
“Crowley Penny that wasn’t-”
“It’s Basilton, isn’t it?” She kept looking at him. Simon’s head turned red and he scratched the back of his neck, biting his lip.
“I KNEW IT” Penny jumped up from her seat, making the people at the tables around them turn their heads at the duo.
“Oh woops. There’s nothing to see here,” she said, waving her hand as if she was casting a spell.
After everyone turned their attention back to their own tables, she looked at him again, pointing her finger. “I knew there was something going on between you and him.”
“N-no, Penny, that’s not true. There’s nothing between me and Baz, and there will never be,” he said.
“But you want something to be there, don’t you?”
“Don’t lie to me, I can read your face like an open book.” That was definitely true. She’d known him for more than ten years, they went to the same high school together. So he kept quiet and stuffed his mouth with the potatoes on his plate.
“Simon, we should talk about this,” Penny said with a softer, nicer voice, sitting down again.
“’S nothing to talk 'bout,” he said with his mouth full, accidentally spitting some chewed potatoes at Penelope.
“Merlin, Simon! Has your mother never told you to shut up when you’re chewing?” She asked with a disgusted look, while she wiped some bits off her shirt. His mouth corners immediately dropped and he looked down at his plate.
“Oh no, sorry Simon, that was just a joke, I wasn’t thinking.”
He quickly swallowed what was left in his mouth. “It’s okay, Penny. It’s not your fault,” he said, giving her a sad smile. The girl smiled back. After a moment of silence, she asked with a grin: “So have you asked him to the party yet?”
He woke up from a gentle whisper. Baz lifted his head up, still half sleeping, with his hair all messed up.
“What?” he whispered back, confused about his whereabouts.
“I said 'Baz’.”
He turned his head around and saw Snow standing next to his bed, holding a dinner plate with some potatoes and meat.
“Huh,” Baz uttered, still not fully awake.
“Hi,” Simon started. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I hope you got my card?”
Baz was wide-awake now. Snow was standing there. And he was apologizing. This was probably another dream. He laid his head down on his pillow again, facing downwards.
“Get out of my dream, Snow. I’m trying to sleep,” he mumbled.
"Baz, this is not a dream, get up. I brought you some food.”
“Let me sleep,” he snarled.
“You look terrible, c'mon, I got potatoes for you,” Snow said playfully, raising his eyebrows in anticipation. Playfully? Snow? Yup, dreaming.
“Crowley, Baz, get the fuck up. You need to eat.” Irritation slipped in his voice.
“Why do you care?” Baz asked with his mouth full of pillow.
“I care, because I care about you, Baz.”
“Shut up, you hate me,” he grumbled.
Snow sighed. “I don’t hate you. Can’t we be friends?”
“No.” I want to be more than friends, he thought.
“Baz, c'mon, I’m really trying my best here. Baz. Baz, look at me!”
Baz let out a growl. He pushed himself up until he sat up straight and swung his legs over the side. He looked at Snow. Big mistake.
Simon was still carrying the plate, looking good as always. His hair slightly ruffled and his eyes tired. Happy that Baz finally did as he said, Simon smiled at him. Baz just stared back. The golden-haired boy let out another sigh and put the plate on his own bed.
He then turned back to where Baz was sitting and walked up to him until his legs touched Baz’s knees. Baz looked up, what is he doing?
Simon grabbed Baz’s shoulders and knelt down in front of him. What the fuck?
“Baz, listen. I care about you, okay? All I ask is a truce. I don’t want to fight and hate you anymore. I just want to be friends. Please?” Simon’s face was really close to him, their noses almost touching and the other boy’s eyes piercing into his.
“Please, Baz,” he begged him, still looking him in the eyes.
“Fine. Truce,” Baz finally gave in. He couldn’t stand to look into those eyes any longer.
Snow backed off and released Baz’s shoulders from his tight grip. Baz rolled his shoulders and asked: “Does that mean I can’t be mean anymore too?”
Simon tilted his head like a dog, furrowing his eyebrows. “Of course,” he said.
Baz let out an understanding hum and pushed himself off his bed. “Well then, what do you want to do, friend?”
His roommate turned on his heels, grabbed the dinner plate that he’d placed on the bed, and hold it out to Baz.
“What?” He scoffed.
Simon rolled his eyes. “It’s food for you, you twat. You have to eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” Baz lied.
“Yes you are, eat.” Baz was surprised Snow could read his face like that. He looked thankful at him, taking the plate from the other boy.
“You’re welcome. And please, call me Simon,” he said. Baz focused on his food, and started cramming the food into his mouth. Crowley, he was starving.
“Whatever, Simon.” While looking at his food, he felt the golden-haired boy stare at him, and from the corner of his eye, he saw him beaming.
Maybe friendship with Snow wasn’t so bad after all…
Chapter 5: Friends & Laps
“Do you wanna go grab some lunch? I’m hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
Baz was right, Simon was always hungry. But he just needed an excuse to be with Baz. He liked hanging out with him, as friends. He wanted to be more than friends, but he was just happy they didn’t have to fight anymore. He wouldn’t mind some kissing and cuddling, but that wasn’t really platonic. So he just ignored the longing feeling in his heart and pretended like he didn’t care.
Pretended like he didn’t like Baz. Maybe even like-like, he didn’t even know it anymore.
Sometimes, he was sure Baz was staring at him, but every time he turned around, the other boy was looking somewhere else. He probably imagined it.
What he didn’t imagine, were the accidental touches. Sometimes accidental and innocent, sometimes Simon did it on purpose. To see how Baz reacted. When they walked past each other, Simon would bump his shoulder a little against Baz’s. The black-haired boy always flinched a little, which made Simon think Baz didn’t like it.
Crowley, Baz probably didn’t even like the ‘friendship’ they had going on, and just went with it to stop Simon’s complains. He didn’t like to think about that, but he had to be truthful with himself.
A friendship? With Baz? C'mon.
But he tried his best, and he had to say Baz did too. He hadn’t snapped at him once in the two days they had been friends, and he hadn’t thrown anything at him. That was surely a record.
Now they were making their way to the cafeteria, Baz walking relaxed with his hands in his pockets, and Simon trying to keep up with him.
“Baz, can you maybe walk a little slower?” Simon asked, slightly out of breath.
The taller boy just kept going without lowering his speed. “I can’t help that your legs are so short. Maybe I should stretch them out for you?” He looked back at Simon, an evil grin on his face.
Damn, why is he so handsome, Simon thought, lowering his guard for a moment.
“What? Did I say something wrong? Snow? Simon? Hello? Earth to Simon?” Baz had come closer, waving a hand before Simon’s face. He quickly snapped out of his thoughts and blinked a few times.
“Why were you staring at me like that? Are you okay?” Baz asked concerned.
“Oh, yeah, sorry, I- erm, it’s nothing,” he rambled.
“Mhm, of course,” Baz said, starting to walk forward again. Simon tried to keep up, wanting to keep the conversation going.
“I was just thinking about exams and stuff,” he started. “Y'know, like there are only two months left until we graduate.”
Baz kept silent.
“And two months left until we finally get out of here…”
“Two months until you’re finally rid of me, you mean?”
Simon frowned. He had been thinking about that, but not in that way. “No, that’s not what I meant… I- I’m gonna miss you, Baz.”
The only thing that could be heard were their footsteps and Simon’s heavy breathing. After a minute Baz finally broke the silence between them.
“I- Me too, Simon.” He called me Simon, he thought.
“Really?” He couldn’t believe it.
“I hate to admit it, but yes. I enjoyed teasing you,” Baz smiled at him. Simon glowed from the inside, both from Baz’s 'compliment’ and from his smile. Baz’s smile was just… irresistible.
They walked the rest of the way in peaceful, happy silence. But a heavy weight pressed on Simon’s chest. Only two more months, and then he would never see Baz again. Ever.
Basilton was sitting with her and Simon. That was unexpected. But a good turn of events, since she saw how they acted towards each other. Penelope was sitting on one side of the table, the two boys on the other side, shoulders touching. Cute.
If you weren’t Penny, you would probably think they were friends who liked to tease each other (even if they only had been friends for two days), but because Penny was Penny, she saw things. She saw Simon’s look when Baz was talking, there were almost hearts in his eyes. She saw Baz’s look when Simon was talking, happy with twinkling eyes. She saw what bloomed between them, but neither of the boys saw it. They were both so focused on each other that they didn’t see what was obvious.
Luckily they had Penny.
“So, Basilton,” she started. “Has Simon told you about the party yet?”
Baz quickly glanced at Simon and Simon blushed a little. Penelope noticed everything. “No, not yet.”
Simon looked meaningful at her, moving his eyebrows. She smiled.
“Well, tomorrow my boyfriend Micah from America is coming here for a student exchange, and to welcome him I’m organizing a party tomorrow evening.”
Baz frowned. “Oh, cool.”
Penny sighed. Did she really have to do this all by herself?
“Soooooo, do you wanna come too? A lot of people will be there.”
Well, that was quick.
“No? Why not?” She looked over at Simon, who shrugged.
“I don’t like parties.” Baz looked uncomfortable. Was it a touchy subject?
“Penny, he doesn’t want to talk about it,” Simon interrupted her. Baz looked thankful at him. Penelope was confused.
“Simon will be there too,” she tried.
“I still don’t want to go, I’m sorry Bunce, but I don’t like parties.” Baz stood up from their table and walked towards the toilets.
“What’s up with him?” She asked Simon. He shrugged.
“I don’t know, he never goes to parties.”
Penny got an idea. “Why don’t you talk to him about it? I’m sure he’ll tell you.”
Simon scowled. “Why would he do that?”
She sighed again. He was so oblivious.
“Because you’re friends. Just ask him, he needs to come.”
“Penny, if he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to.”
“No, Simon, you don’t get it. This is probably the last party of the year, since the exams are so close. You know what that means?”
“This is Baz’s last chance to go to a party?”
She facepalmed, saying: “Simon… This is your last chance to dance with Baz.”
“Why would I want to dance with him?” He scoffed.
“Simon, I have eyes, I see things. And you confessed you liked him yesterday!”
“Just. Do it, Simon. Don’t let your sweet dreams be dreams. Just go for it.”
“Penny, you don’t understand, he doesn’t even like me.”
“Are- Are you being serious right now?” She couldn’t handle this anymore, he was so dense.
“He probably still hates me,” he continued.
“Mhm, yes, he hates you as much as I hate Micah.”
“But you don-”
“Just talk to him about it. Convince him to come. It will be fun, I promise.”
“Fine,” Simon gave in. “But if he says no, I will blame you.”
Penelope smiled relieved. “Trust me, things will work out.”
He didn’t want to tell Snow about why he didn’t like parties. That would mean he had to tell him about his mother. And even though they were friends, he was still cautious. Snow could always use the things he’d say against him. He would love to believe it was only the friendship Snow wanted, but he was sure there was something else behind it. And not the one thing he wanted, definitely not. He was probably using Baz, but he didn’t care. If it meant he could spend time with the golden-haired boy, he didn’t mind. He would undergo the consequences later.
But for now, he should enjoy his time with his crush. Since there were only two months left, and then they would never see each other ever again. Maybe that was for the better, not seeing Simon again. It would make it easier to live with. Probably.
Baz dried his hands and walked out of the toilets. Simon and Bunce were talking passionately about something, he couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but Simon was shrugging a lot and Bunce was making a lot of hand gestures. He hoped they weren’t talking about him, but judging by the way they acted when he got closer, they probably were.
When he arrived at the table, the conversation suddenly stopped. They had probably been plotting to kill him, or worse: to get him to come to that stupid party. No matter how much Simon would beg him, he wouldn’t go.
"Pleaaaaaaaaaaase?” He begged.
“Simon, I already said no. You don’t have to ask it again, I will say no every time.”
They were in their room, Baz sitting on his own bed, arms folded in front of his chest. (Oh, his chest). Simon sat on the floor between their beds. Well, he wasn’t really sitting, he was rolling over the ground like he had seen Draco do it in 'A Very Potter Musical’. He loved that musical.
“Please?” He insisted. Baz sighed and picked up a book from his night table, opened it on a certain page and read further from there.
“Snow, stop begging me- I’m not going, no matter what you say.”
Simon sighed in frustration, shaking his head. “Why not?” He whined.
“Don’t shake your head like that, you’re messing up your curls,” Baz said dryly, without looking up from his book.
Ignoring his comment, Simon ruffled his hair some more and pulled himself on Baz’s bed, until he sat next to him. The other boy froze but kept quiet. Simon leaned over to look at the book Baz was reading, their shoulders 'accidentally’ touching.
“What are you reading now?” He asked him, letting his eyes flow over the page that Baz had been reading. He felt the other boy’s breath in his neck, and he certainly didn’t dislike it.
“Nothing.” Baz suddenly moved his arms to get the book away from him, but since Simon didn’t count on that, he fell forward, on Baz’s lap. Surprised but not displeased, Simon turned around until he was still laying on his lap, but this time facing Baz. He was now laying with his back on the dark-haired boy’s lap with his knees drawn up.
“Simon. Get off.” Baz looked stern at him.
Simon grinned, saying: “Nah, I’m good. Thanks though.” He enjoyed the view. And Baz must have liked it too, since he didn’t try to push him off.
Baz picked his book back up and started reading again, Simon still looking at him. Displeased because he couldn’t see Baz’s face anymore, he lifted up his hands to grab the book.
Baz looked at him, giving him a weird look. “Snow, what-” Simon quickly snapped the book away and threw it across the room. When he looked back at the boy he was laying on, he saw that Baz was staring at him like he walked straight out of hell. Simon grinned.
“Simon, what did I tell you about throwing my books?” Baz asked him with a teasing tone, head tilted.
He giggled in response, “Sorry.”
“C'mon, you don’t even mean that,” Baz said, rolling his eyes. Simon gave him a playful push, even though that wasn’t very easy in his current position.
Baz smiled at him. And for a moment, time froze. Something in his smile made something awake in his chest, in his heart. He hadn’t realized it, but his heart had been covered by a layer of ice, even stone, to protect himself from getting hurt. He had started building the walls up from the moment his father had started to hit him. That had been a long time ago, and since then, the walls had become thicker and stronger. He didn’t want to let anyone come too close.
But something in Baz’s smile made the walls crumble down, the ice melt away. And suddenly, he knew what love felt like. Dancing in a flower field, singing in the rain, jumping from a waterfall, crashing into the sun, swimming in clouds. And all at once.
The sudden burst of emotions filled his heart, filled his body with warmth and love.
He loved Baz.
Chapter 6: Stories & Hugs
Simon hadn’t said a word for five minutes now, he was just staring at him from his lap. Did he do something wrong? Shouldn’t he have smiled? But the stare wasn’t the ’ew, what did you just do’-kind, there was something in Simon’s eyes he couldn’t quite place. So both of them just looked into each others eyes until the golden-haired boy finally broke the trance by blinking furiously.
“Baz?” Simon asked softly.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Baz smirked. “You just did.”
Snow rolled his eyes but let out a soft giggle. Baz chuckled with him. Simon’s curls danced around his face, he wanted to touch it. He just had to move his left arm a bit forward. But then the other boy started talking again.
“Why don’t you wanna go to the party?” Baz inhaled sharply. He knew this had been coming.
“Is it because you’ve never gone to a party before?” Simon continued. Baz shook his head, still not answering. He promised himself he wouldn’t tell him, but Snow was making it very hard with his innocent looks from his lap.
“Is it because I’m going? Because-” Simon went quiet, studying Baz’s face. Great, now Snow was confused and hurt.
Baz sighed, rubbing his eyes. “No Simon, it’s not your fault-,” he tried to explain, but the other boy quickly interrupted him.
“Yes it is. Why don’t you wanna go to the party with me then? Don’t you like me?” Those innocent blue eyes again, filled with hurt and desperation. Why did Snow say that Baz didn’t want to go with him, though? Was he asking him to go with him? As like a date? And what did he mean by his last question? He didn’t like Baz, did he? Too many questions.
He decided to play safe. “Of course I like you, Simon, we’re friends.”
Simon smiled at him, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. The golden-haired boy, still on his lap, looked away, blinking fast again, as to hide his tears. But he wasn’t crying, was he? He clearly wasn’t happy with Baz’s answer, but he couldn’t figure out why.
“Yeah,” Simon said. “We’re friends. Right.”
Baz didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say, what could he say?
Simon turned back to look at him. “But Baz… If we’re friends, why won’t you tell me why you don’t wanna go?”
“I just- it’s pretty personal, Simon. I don’t like to talk about it,” he said, his voice breaking a little.
Simon reached out and touched Baz’s cheek with his hand. “Baz, I want to help you. That’s what friends are for, y'know. To help.” Baz leaned in for a second, but then pushed the hand away. Simon pushed himself up from Baz’s lap until he was sitting again, still next to him on his bed.
He didn’t dare to look at the golden-haired boy.
“Baz, please, look at me.”
He turned around slowly until he was sitting with his legs fold under his body, facing Snow. He still didn’t look at him.
“You have to tell me,” Simon said. When Baz didn’t move, the other boy reached out and grabbed his hands. Baz felt a firebolt go through him, hitting him straight in his heart. As if the bolt fueled him with energy and courage, he looked up.
In front of him was no longer a stupid boy whom he had a tiny crush on, in front of him was a beautiful angel, with golden hair. He looked as if he was the sun in person. His eyes shined like a sun after a rainstorm, to make up for all the rain. And Baz thought- no, he knew- he loved him.
He loved Simon. The thought hit him like a train. But it was a nice train, a train filled with happiness and love. The only thing that stopped him from getting on the train, was the knowledge that Simon didn’t love him. Of course he didn’t, why would he? Why would anyone love someone like him, like the big idiot he was?
“Baz?” Simon tugged at his hands, and he realized he had been staring at him, again. Baz took a deep breath.
“It happened almost three years ago. A so-called ‘friend’ of mine asked me to come to a party at his place. I never really went to parties, but I thought it would be a good thing to do. So did my mom. She said 'go and have fun, my little puff. it will be fun.’ ”
“Don’t interrupt me, Simon.”
“Sorry. Keep going, you’re doing great.”
“My friend picked me up and we drove there. It wasn’t so bad, I have to admit. The music was a little too loud and the people were a little too… social. But I enjoyed it. I drank a lot, maybe that’s why I liked it. Anyway, some dudes thought it would be fun to punch some other dudes, and a fight started. I didn’t want to get a broken nose, or worse, so I got out and decided to call my mother to pick me up.” He stopped talking, his eyes watering.
Simon looked confused. “So, you don’t want to go to parties because people fought that one time?”
“N-No,” he sniffed. Now he had to tell the hard part. But Simon’s hands gave him strength. “I called my mother, and she came over to get me. But on her way here, she- she-…” Baz started sobbing, tears streaming out of his eyes. That was the reason he hadn’t wanted to tell Snow. Now he saw how vulnerable he was.
“She what?” Simon asked, gently squeezing Baz’s hands.
“She-,” another sob left Baz’s mouth. “She g- got hit by a car. She d- died immediately.”
Simon’s face fell, his expression shocked. “Oh no. Oh no, Baz. Baz, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
He hadn’t realized he was shaking until Simon pulled him in a hug. He kept shaking, but less than before. The touch and warmth of the other boy calmed him down a bit. Simon kept his hands on Baz’s back, his head on his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, I should have known. I knew you’re mother di- wasn’t here anymore, but I didn’t know it had something to do with you not wanting to go to the party.”
Baz sniffed, burying his face in the other boy’s shirt. “It- it’s okay, Simon,” he mumbled.
“Thank you,” Simon said softly. “Thank you for telling me.”
Baz let out a trembling laugh. “Th- that’s what friends are for, right?”
The other boy chuckled next to him, his body shaking together with Baz’s. They were still hugging.
“Yes, Baz. That’s what friends are for,” Simon responded, hugging him tighter as if he didn’t want to let him go anymore. “I understand now. But it’s been three years, and you gotta try to get over it, Baz. I will be there too, so if you need me, I’ll be right by your side.”
Baz nodded slowly, even though the other boy couldn’t see it. “You’re right. I should go. When is it again?”
Simon let go of Baz so he could look at him, but didn’t move away. “Tomorrow. Penny said it starts around ten, but I need to go help her with preparing, so I have to be there already at nine.”
Nodding again, Baz said: “Ok, I’ll be there around ten then.” With a smirk he added: “If it’s not as fun as you said it would be, I will probably kill you.”
Simon pushed him playfully. “Shut up, it’s gonna be great.”
Chapter 7: Parties & Kisses
“Are you enjoying yourself?”
The party wasn’t bad, but Baz didn’t really know anyone personally except for Snow and Bunce. Well, he knew Wellbelove and her popular friends. He also knew the footballers: Dev, Niall, Davy and the rest. And then you had the others, who didn’t really belong anywhere: Trixie (what a stupid name), Emily, Ebeneza, Fiona, Nico and Mitali. He didn’t really know them personal, but he had shared classes with every single one of them. He felt sorry for himself that he had to listen to their silly questions and dumb remarks during the courses.
Anyway, the whole ‘squad’ was there, at least twenty people. Baz looked around.
Everyone was doing their stereotypical action: the popular girls (including Bunce and her boyfriend) were dancing to stupid songs that had been playing on the radio constantly - Justin fucking Bieber for fuck’s sake.
The footballers were probably standing at the 'bar’ (a table filled with alcohol in the kitchen), laughing their asses off with childish jokes and drooling over the dancing girls. He couldn’t see them from where he was seated, but he could predict it.
Other people were laying on couches and on the floor, talking and giggling.
And last but not least, there was Baz, sitting in a corner with a red cup in his hand. And Snow kept bothering him, as the great friend he was.
“Why not?” Simon continued to ask, breathing in his face. He smelled like alcohol.
“It’s not bad,” he answered truthfully. “I just don’t know anyone, really.”
Snow’s face lit up. “I can introduce you!” He tugged on Baz’s arm. “C'mon!” He shouted exited.
“Simon,” Baz sighed, not pulling is arm from Snow’s grip - he liked the touch. “You don’t have to, I’m fine here.”
“Okay, fine,” Simon smiled at him, but without his eyes. (He did that a lot lately -Baz didn’t know why.)
The golden-haired boy glanced at his and Baz’s empty cups and jumped up. “I’ll get us something to drink then. Don’t go anywhere!”
He hopped away, leaving Baz chuckling. Where would he even go?
Snow was clearly on his way to get wasted, his cheeks red and face flustered. Baz decided he should let himself go for this one time, otherwise he would definitely die of boredom. And it wasn’t like anyone had to come get him, because his room wasn’t that far. Nobody would die this time.
Woah there, lighten up a bit, he told himself. This was supposed to be fun.
He loved parties. Everyone was always happy and the drinks were good too. He felt a little hyper, but that was okay. At least Baz was here. A warm feeling spread in his chest when he thought of the dark-haired boy.
He liked Baz. Loved, even. Simon let himself think of what could have been between him and Baz if Baz wasn’t straight. They would sleep in the same bed, cuddling. He would kiss Baz on his forehead to wake him up. On his nose, his ear and his mouth. They would bake scones together. Cherry scones. They would study together, and Baz could even help him with his homework. And later, maybe later, they would get married and adopt a child. A daughter. Simon had always wanted a daughter.
But, none of that would ever happen. Baz had told him he was straight that one time, and he had never forgotten it, even if he had been a little drunk, he still remembered it clearly. He pushed away the thoughts and pasted a fake smile on his face when he passed other people on his way to the bar.
However, the bar was occupied. Davy and his pals were standing there. Simon had never liked Davy, he reminded him of someone, but Simon couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Davy was this guy you didn’t want to mess with, because he always found a way to win. He was very good at blackmailing and all of the footballers looked up at him, helping him whenever he needed it. They also kind off had had a problem in the past about a certain girl.
“Hey, look who we have here,” Davy announced when Simon arrived at the table. He slapped him on the back as if they were friends, but Davy hit a little too hard, which caused Simon to stumble. The other guys laughed.
“Hey, Davy,” Simon said, now without a smile. He nodded at the others. “How are you?”
Davy laughed, a little too loud to be meant nice. The boy looked over at someone behind him (John? Tom?) and asked him: “Did you hear what he- Simon here- said? He asked me how I was!”
Apparently that was really funny, because everyone started laughing again. Simon felt himself turn red and tried to push past them to get to the drinks.
“Hey, hey hey, where are we going, mate?” Davy grabbed him by his shoulders and forced Simon to look at him. His breath smelled like alcohol. Simon had to get away.
He pushed Davy off with all his might - the other boy was stronger than him, being the great footballer.
Luckily for him (and to his surprise), Davy actually backed off. “Damn, this guy got some strength in him,” he said.
Simon ignored him and quickly pored the first thing he saw in the cups he was still miraculously holding. He pushed his way back through the footballers, but someone had stretched out his leg which caused Simon to stumble again, this time not prepared. He fell on the floor, the red cups slipping out of his hands.
More laughter. Great.
He felt himself trembling, his face turning even more red. He tried to suppress the panic growing in his chest and his heavy breathing, but that seemed rather hard.
He was going to go off if they kept bullying him like that. 'Going off’ was his way to describe an anxiety attack. It almost never happened, it had been more than three years since the last time, but when it happened, things got bad. The previous time, he had panicked so bad that he had started hitting everyone around him, knocking a few people out. That couldn’t happen now.
Simon tried to push himself up, looking around for someone to help him, but Penny and Micah were nowhere to see. Fuck.
Snow was taking a long time just to get some drinks. He was probably talking to the footballers, loved by everyone- typical. And Baz was stuck in that corner, with bad music. Not even Troye Sivan or Halsey, they kept on playing Justin fucking Bieber. Unbelievable.
He quickly got to his feet, trying to get away as fast as possible. But Davy didn’t allow that.
The moment he got up, Davy grabbed him by his collar and pulled him off the ground (Davy was really tall, taller than Baz even). Simon felt panic rise in his chest again.
“Not so strong now, are you?” Davy spit at him, his face close to Simon’s. The other guys around them had disappeared, leaving Simon alone with Davy. He didn’t know if that was better or worse.
“Stop,” he begged, softly. “Please, leave me alone.”
Davy chuckled, “I can’t do that right now, you have to pay for what you’ve done.”
“I didn’t do anything!” He protested, which gained him a punch in his stomach. He gasped for breath. “Please..,” he whined.
“You didn’t do anything? Oh, well, let me think…,” Davy sizzled at him. “Oh yeah, there’s that one time you FUCKING STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND,” he raised his voice, shaking Simon up.
Simon realized what Davy was going after, his heart started beating faster and faster. He couldn’t escape, he knew it. This was going to end up really bad.
“I-,” Simon started. Davy punched him in the stomach again, his face red from aggression.
“Don’t fucking talk to me without permission!”
Another punch, a little higher this time, in his face. His vision started to blur and he couldn’t concentrate anymore. He tasted blood. Simon felt himself weaken, he tried to stand up straight, but his legs were trembling too much.
“Fuck you!” Punch.
He fell on the floor.
“Fuck your girlfriend!” Kick.
“Fuck everyone you know!” Kick.
Bad. Very bad. Dark. Very dark.
Just when he nearly passed out, on the edge of consciousness, he heard another voice.
Somewhere, another punch could be heard, very loud. But this time it wasn’t Simon who got hurt. Another body hit the floor, no sound coming from it.
“Oh my god, Simon, what did he do to you?” A voice, familiar, reached out to him, tried to pull him from the dark.
“Simon? Please tell me you’re okay! Simon?” Hands shook him gently, making the darkness fade away a little.
“Simon,” the voice broke into a sob. Simon blinked to expel the dark, and a face appeared in his vision. He would recognize those eyes, those cheekbones, that hair, everywhere.
“B- Baz?” He whispered with a small voice. Baz immediately looked up, tears in his eyes. He launched at him, pulling him off the ground and into a hug.
“Oh god, you’re alright, you’re alright. I- I thought I lost you, Simon,” he rocked back and forth with Simon in his arms, bawling. “I thought you were gone.”
Simon, confused and hurt, just responded: “I thought that too.”
Baz let out a soft chuckle, pulling away to look at him. He gently stroke his face, wiping the blood and hair out of his face.
“Don’t ever do that to me again, okay?” Baz looked at him seriously, holding his face. “I mean it.”
“Baz,” Simon just said. He wanted to tell him so bad, but he knew what was going to happen, and he didn’t want to ruin their friendship.
“It’s all my fault,” Baz kept going. “I should have come sooner. I knew something was up. I knew it.”
“Baz,” Simon repeated. “Baz, it’s okay. You’re here now, you saved my life.”
The dark-haired boy studied his face, still stroking his cheeks softly, with a glance of something Simon had only seen a few times before. He seemed to struggle with something, seemed to wait for something, seemed to try to get courage to do something. He felt Baz’s eyes trail over his face, and stop at his mouth.
Simon looked at Baz’s lips. He wanted to kiss him. He was going to. He was-
And then Baz kissed Simon.
And the world exploded in colors and fireworks. In flames and volcanoes. In fountains and geysers. Water flowing over in fire, gold flowing over in ink. Day in night. Sun in moon.
Simon had never felt this before, this feeling in his chest. Baz’s lips moving against his, his hands still wrapped around Simon’s face. Their mouths fitted perfectly, as if nature made them for each other.
Everything was hot. And he was so cold. He hadn’t realized how long he’d waited for this moment. And then suddenly it was over.
Baz pulled away, his hands no longer on Simon’s cheeks.
“What- I, erm- I’m just gonna- Yeah, sorry,” Baz said, stumbling to his feet. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Simon quickly stood up too, he wasn’t going to let this moment pass. They stood across from each other, Baz’s cheeks red and his eyes fleeing.
“Shh,” Simon said, stretching out his hands for Baz’s face this time. He grabbed his cheeks and pulled his face down, and once again their lips met.
“Simon,” Baz whispered against his lips.
“Shut up,” Simon murmured. “I’m trying to kiss you.”
The kiss was slower this time, deeper. Baz moved his hands up to Simon’s chest and let them rest there. Simon still held Baz’s face in his hands.
“What the actual FUCK?”
They quickly broke apart and looked towards where the voice was coming from. It was Davy, sitting on the ground. Oh yeah, totally forgot about that.
Davy’s face was swollen, Baz must have hit him hard. Good.
“What the fuck? Are you two gay? Fucking faggots!”
Baz’s expression filled with anger and he stormed at Davy, but Simon jumped between them.
“Snow, get out of the way, I’m gonna hit that twat,” Baz said demanding.
“No, Baz, just let it go, leave him be,” he said.
“Yeah!” Davy added from behind him. “Listen to your fucking gay boyfriend!” That didn’t really help.
Baz tried to push past him, but he took his hands. “Let’s get out and leave him here. He probably can’t even walk.”
The dark-haired boy threw an angry glance at Davy, but when he looked at Simon, his look softened. “You’re right, let’s go to our room and leave this stupid party.”
“Not before I danced with you.”
They had kissed. Twice. And now they were dancing. And this was all happening, not just a dream.
He looked at Snow, who was looking at him too. They were slowing (Simon wasn’t that bad after all), Simon’s hands on his shoulders and his own hands on the other boy’s waist.
The golden-haired boy still looked bad, a bruise on his face, but he was smiling. And this time his eyes were smiling too. Could it be that Simon had really wanted it to, and not only Baz? Apparently.
Other people were staring, but the duo didn’t care. They only had eye for each other.
Baz interrupted the happy silence between them. “This music sucks.”
Simon giggled, shaking his head. “Sorry,” he said.
Baz planted a little kiss on his forehead, saying: “It’s not your fault that this party sucks.”
“It doesn’t suck,” Simon protested.
“Simon,” Baz said. “You just got beaten up. And there’s only One Direction and Justin Bieber music. I think that qualifies as a party that sucks.”
“I didn’t know you knew One Direction?” Simon teased him. Baz rolled his eyes.
“And it doesn’t suck,” Simon continued. “Because I kissed you. Twice. And now we’re dancing.”
Baz smiled at him. “Technically,” he said, “I kissed you first. So you only kissed me once.”
“Let’s change that then,” Simon said, and he pulled Baz down again and planted a deep kiss on the other boy’s lips. “Two against one, I win.”
“I didn’t know this was a competition?”
“Make that,” this time Baz cupped Simon’s cheeks and let their lips collide again, “Two against two. It’s a draw. We both win.”
And so they went on for a long time, not paying attention to the others. They both agreed that this was the best party they’d ever been too, even with the beating.
They were both laying on Baz’s bed. Simon wrapped around Baz, with his head in the other boy’s chest. Baz was gently stroking Simon’s back.
“Baz?” Simon looked up.
“I think I love you.”
Baz looked surprised, but definitely not unhappy. “I- I love you too, Simon.”
Their lips met for the last time, and then they both closed their eyes, ready to sleep in each other’s arms.
“Sweet Dreams, Simon.”