I feel like I am never good enough, do you feel that too, do you see it too?
I am never good enough no matter what I say or what I do.
Recently, I have been feeling insecure about my relationship with Steve and Bucky- yes you heard it right- Steven Grant Rogers AKA Captain America and James Buchanan Barnes AKA Winter Soldier. Our relationship is a fairly new development, we met six months ago in the Avengers tower (It was my first day at job as an assistant for Mr. Stark) and then they asked me out five months ago.
Frankly, I don’t know why would they ask me out, what did they see in me. I am still waiting for them to realize that I am not what they want and break up with me. I wouldn’t be surprised. I am a selfish, lying, manipulative bitch; I hate being ordered about; I stand firm on my beliefs; If you cross with me, then I will not hesitate to fight back (also the reasons why I got the job). But the point is there is nothing in me that they should be able to like, which always bewilders me.
I haven’t voiced my fears and insecurities to them, it will feel like I am burdening them and they already have way too much baggage. Mostly I do fine and just ignore these doubts, but sometimes they creep up on me especially when it comes to Darcy Lewis- the freaking awesome intern of Dr. Jane Foster and really CLOSE friend of my two super-soldiers. She is this fantastic and larger than life person, who can face anything and everything. She is beautiful, sexy, smart, sassy, kind and completely incredible person. Most of all a great friend to Steve and Bucky. They talk to her, share their stories and fears with her, and listen to her.
But this is not what rattles me; everyone should have a friend like that. No, it is the way they talk about her, watch her and listen to her as if she is all that is – the way they never are for me. When she is nearby, their eyes light up and they are so relaxed. They smile, they laugh, and they joke and even tease each other.
I might be dating them but it is HER that really makes them happy in a way that I don’t. I really like them especially in these beautiful moments but it hurts me at the same time. Because it’s not me but HER and I can never be her. Never be as incredible or pretty as her. Maybe I will never be good enough.