Bill says Jon youve got nice legs. I never got to tell you youve got nice legs have I?
Jon wobbles against him. He isnt about to answer. Not yet anyway. Theyve just dragged themselves free from the back of a limo filled with champagne and before that a jet that took them from home all the way across the Atlantic. They are jetlagged and drunk and theyve lost track of Chris and Steve and Tony in their limos and Jon had had a headache before theyd even gotten to Heathrow. They lean against each other now as if the others side is all that is able to keep them upright.
Jon bumps against the wall. He drops the hotel keys and picks them up and drops them again. Then Bill picks them up for him because he fancies himself a gentleman and he saw that it only took Jon a few glasses to get him this pissed. He ogles Jons legs the whole way up. If he could fuck a pair of legs he would fuck those ones.
Lemme get the door, he says.
No no, Jon protests. He clambers for the keys like a cat after a feather toy. I got it.
Bill unlocks their door before Jon makes any headway retrieving the keys though. They almost fall over when they burst in but Bill catches Jon by happening to twirl against him and flop into the wall so that he pins Jon there.
Jon says ow.
Bill says Imma lie down. Sorry.
They both stumble toward the nearest bed and fall onto it face first. Bill tries to remember the last time he got this drunk this quickly and he bets it has everything to do with the transatlantic flight and the lack of anything to eat but a pack of dehydrated peanuts and he hadnt slept very well the night before anyway since hes never been to America before and how many fellows his age will be able to say the same for themselves and of course hes been excited for weeks but he doesn’t remember ever being this drunk and either way he just lies there like a dead dog staring at Jon who stares back at him between yawns and whimpers.
He might not get this pissed very often but he gets to room with Jon even less. The Fish is too protective. Lords it over everyone which is to say Bill that he and Jon are a thing by saying not a word about it and squinting whenever Bills eyes fall on Jon and no one questions and everyone obeys. His flaw is that they have to separate every once in a while in order to keep up appearances. Heterosexual ones. Bill scoffs and isnt sure whether hes done so audibly. He reaches his arm and drops it like a dishrag onto the small of Jons back. He says you got such nice legs.
Marry em, Jon replies.
Isnt how it goes, Bill says. I wanna marry em. He winces but keeps going and forgets the words he says as soon as he finishes saying them and he can only hear them as if theyre coming to him through water besides. Id marry em but your Fish wouldnt let me. You wouldnt either I bet.
Jon says I love my Fish.
I know that. Swhy I cant marry you or your legs.
You both are ever so grouchy you are.
Cause he doesnt do anything!
Plays bass for us.
Touches me ever so deeply I think youd not understand in the least you wouldnt. William.
Jon curls his lips into a pout. Wont get anywhere talking about my Christopher like that.
Whaddoyoumean wont get anywhere.
You want me. Jon taps the tip of Bills nose with his finger only after missing it the first few tries. Badly, he says.
Bill wouldnt know how to reply if Jon gave him the chance. But he doesnt even get that much. Jon rises up so that he kneels in front of Bill and Bill rolls onto his back to watch him. Jon tries to tear his shirt off like hes doing a striptease but he struggles with his hands through the armholes and then lets the whole thing rest around his neck like a scarf for a moment before trying to tug it the rest of the way off.
And he cant even do that right so Bill sits the rest of the way up and reaches over and pulls it off for him. Jons head pops out like a rabbit out of its burrow. He gives his champagne bleary eyes a blink or two until he is able to hold them open wide.
He kisses Bill. Dives in and attacks him with his lips so furiously that if he weren’t so light hed knock Bill straight back down onto the bed. Bill doesnt register what is happening until hes lost his grip on Jons shirt and he feels Jons hands rummaging through his curls as if he left something in there and then Jon trails one hand down to Bills thigh and he lifts the end of his shirt and pushes it up and digs his fingers into Bills denims and unbuttons them from underneath the waistline and unzips them and pushes them down to sag and strokes Bills dick through his pants and only then does Bill start to kiss him back and push his lips against Jons as if he has to barrage them and nip at them and clamp his teeth onto them and pull and sweep and swirl his tongue against Jons and taste so many glasses worth of champagne that return when their mouths meet like this but he only enjoys a few seconds of this before Jon wrenches himself away from him.
Bill says what.
Ive always liked you, Jon says. He twirls one of Bills curls around his finger. Supposing I could marry a part of you itd be your lips Id wager.
He says this while still stroking Bill through a layer of cotton.
Sonly cause you havent seen all of me yet, Bill smirks.
Lie down, Jon smiles. Im going to. Ill. He hiccups. Give you a sucking.
Bill tumbles backward and fumbles all his clothing from the waist down around his thighs when he lands. Jon settles between his legs and he beams and he bites his lip while he strokes Bill with his fingers and he gives him one giggling and cursory lick before he bursts into a fit of airy laughter.
Samatter? Bill asks. Its got to be something to do with his dick. He is sure.
Jon says goodness me have I got a dreadful case of the hiccoughs! Isnt that quite the thing?
My dick ought to be the thing, Bill thinks. But he asks you alright and Jon says yes yes I will be and Bill says you sure and Jon says you coddling me you sound like Chris you do.
Which nearly makes Bills todger go right down. He gives Jon a stare and Jons smile begins to fade so Bill says I love you. Spits it out like a cherry pit.
Do not, Jon says. Flat as if hes never even heard of a joke to be able to tell one.
Bill tries to watch his hand fidget at his side but thats Jon there in front of him still ready at least he hopes to suck him off so his fingers hold no interest. Whyre you doing this, he asks. As if theres really any reason behind this other than that Chris hasnt gotten to the hotel yet and probably wont for a while and Jon is desperate in his drunkenness.
Until he makes a popping sound with his lips Jon does and says nothing. Then still leaving Bill without an answer he dives down and takes his dick into his mouth. The whole thing after a moment. Hiccups once around the shaft before the tip hits the back of his throat. Bill rewards himself by thinking that this is what cures Jons erratic breathing since he doesnt hear or feel him do it again.
He cant speculate much on Jons motives when his mouth is on him like this. Bill feels dizzy whenever he opens his eyes. Whether its from the champagne or from Jon working his way down to the base and back up to toward the tip in swift wet motions he doesnt know and he cares less and less with each go. Jon hums. Bill shudders from it.
Dont come yet dont come yet dont come yet dont come yet. This might be it.
He reaches down so he can at least tap Jon on the head. He cant remember his arms being this long so hes surprised when his fingers stroke through Jons hair. That shudder returns when Jon moans. Cranes his neck up so the crown of his head nestles into the curve of Bills palm like hes a needy cat.
Shit youre good at this, Bill groans.
Jon licks his way off and gives the tip a kiss. Must keep on my toes if I am to please someone like Christopher.
Bill has had quite enough of the Fish lifting his fin out of the water and into their bed. Whatter you his harem girl.
I wish to make him happy, Jon answers. Because then he will make me happy.
Youve never been made love to before have you?
Bill goes over Jons choice of wording a few times. He is used to this. Dont exactly wanna be, he says.
Not everyone does, Jon replies. Christopher doesnt. And thats fine but you know some of us think it absolutely the most wonderful heavenly experience we ever could have! And when youve a man like Chris you never have a thing to worry about when youve something you crave.
If it werent for the genuine delight in Jons tone Bill would guess he was using Chris for something. Crave, he says.
To explain Jon begs, Enter me.
Bill scramble sup as quickly as his cooked noodle limbs allow him and he almost falls on his way off the edge of the bed and into the hallway and he definitely knocks his entire side against the sink when he reaches the loo and he topples over every travel sized complimentary toiletry he finds on his quest for lotion or anything at all he can use to ease the way. Your only chance your only chance your only chance. His eyes in his reflection are bloodshot. Your only chance. A drunk and randy and voracious Jon Anderson is in a hotel room with him and he can hear him removing the rest of his clothing and all Bill can find is a bottle of shampoo and one of conditioner and a bar of hand soap. He could tell Jon that he will be right back and then dart off down the hall to find something passable somewhere but Jon might fall asleep. And he could use the shampoo or conditioner but he sure as bloody hell doesnt do this as much as Napoleon and the Fish so he couldnt be sure how it would look if he went back out there rubbing a hair product all over his wank.
William, Jon calls. Come back to me.
He whispers shit. He cant remember if he told Jon why he ran off. Im getting, he calls back. But he drops the conditioner and it bounces behind the rubbish bin and Bill decides not to risk it. Shampoo lube it is. He remembers by some miracle to drop his pants and abandon his shirt before he hobbles back to the bedside. Jon kneels there naked like some sort of escort tapping his fingers across his grinning lips. Bills gaze floats right down to Jons thighs.
Hes got such nice legs. Such nice thighs. Bills always liked them more than he has Jons bum and Jon has an excellent bum though years of being denied access to it will make Bill label it lousy if asked. His legs though. Bill hasnt gotten to touch them or stroke them or really examine them the way hes wanted to for so long. He imagines parting them and lying between them. Feeling them along his sides. Running his hands from the backs of Jons knees up to his bum before he slides his shampoo-coated joke of a tool into him. It doesnt do Jon or his beautiful legs any justice. Doesnt even do his bum justice.
He wonders how many ways there are in this world to penetrate. Hed fuck those legs if he could.
Come to me, Jon says.
Ive got an idea, Bill says.
He casts the shampoo bottle to the floor and it bounces on the stiff carpet like its given up and Bill steps forth and grabs Jon be the hips. Slams his own into them. Their dicks miss each other by millimeters. Bill kisses Jon while Jons eyes are still open but he doesn’t focus on that because he has to knead Jons arse in his hands in such a way that will entice him to part his legs just an inch or two. Right near the tops of the backs of his thighs. Jon is soft like a pillow or bread but neither suits him because pillows dont moan through kisses and neither does bread but Bill thinks that women do and he forgets about Jons arse so he trails his hand up to Jons chest to grope at what he thinks for less than a second will be a tit but when its just a bit harder there than he expects and he is aware of just a faint amount of hair his brows furrow and he remembers that this is Jon and he remembers he needs to open those legs and he remembers he is drunk and he stops kissing Jon for long enough to catch his breath and say howre you so small I dont understand. What are you doing.
Whatre you doing, Jon slurs back. He tosses his head back to smile and let his hair cascade down between his shoulder blades and he lets out a laugh and then rolls his head back forward and stops with it cocked and he stares into Bills eyes with his eyelids drooping. Take me, he says. Want you inside me.
Bill thinks he stifles a moan but he probably hasnt. Says Cant. Havent got any lotion.
Jon says Ill die.
Its okay, Bill says. Im going to shag you in the legs.
Whatever in the world?
Spread. A little. Need your thighs.
Told you already. Shag you in the legs. What has the Fish never done this to you?
I should say not. Havent the foggiest what youre on about. Jon parts his legs as if walking on his knees anyway and stops when Bill pats him on the thigh. Only an inch and a half between them where Bill needs to be.
He pulls Jon close. Whispers in his ear I love you again before he takes to kissing his jaw and his neck.
No you dont.
Do too, Bill replies. He holds onto Jon with one arm and steadies his dick at the base with the other hand. Been in love with you since we met but Chris has always been there so whatm I gonna do.
He pushes his dick into the space between Jons thighs. Jon gives a whimper and his whole body clenches but he relaxes soon after like he understands.
You dont love me Bill. Jon sighs and clutches Bills head so that he brings his face into his chest.
Bill tries to kiss Jons chest or bite at his nipples but he cant find them in the dark and he doesnt know how to concentrate enough to do either over the feel of Jons thighs tight around his dick just as good as they look anyway. His thrusts are uneven but it is the best he can do. He says Yes I do love you. I do too. I want to do this with you every day. I want to be with you I love you Jon why do you love him and not me whats the matter with me arent I good. Im not good lookit me. Cant even give it to you like you want.
Jon takes Bills hand in his own and wraps it around his dick. Moves it so Bill doesnt even realize hes stroking it by himself with Jon finally takes it away. Between moans he says This is fine Bill this is fine. I like this ever so much oh goodness I do and I like you too but you dont love me. You want something you havent got. This is how you are. Remember when you said you started playing the drums because you didnt know how? It’s the same thing it is.
Bill fights a throb that he thinks might be climax until it doesnt happen. Jon feels so good and his thighs are so warm as he pushes in and out of them so he cant understand how he can say something so horrible about him to his face. He might cry. Thats not true, he says. You feel so good. I love you.
You love my body perhaps.
I do love your body. Its beautiful. I love all of you.
Youre so good Bill, Jon says. And he moans and shudders but doesnt come yet and Bill wonders what he means. If hes good at touching him or if hes just good. Neither seems right. Jon claws at Bills back and says Its okay oh god you can love my body all you want and I never want to let you out of the band I want you in my life youre our drummer youre our Bill youre my William but you dont love me. Not like you think.
Bill clenches his teeth through a grunt. He is so close and Jon is so smooth and this is so much better than fucking him in the arse but this is awful. No, he says. Tell me something. Please.
You love me.
I love you.
You dont mean it.
Of course I dont. Not how you want me to.
Is this the only time you and I are ever gonna do this?
Jons hands tighten in Bills hair. His thighs squeeze together and he tilts Bills head so he can kiss him like he can only survive by biting and sucking at his lips and Bill cups his palm around Jons dick just in time for him to come into it and Bill wants to yell no not yet but Jon collapses limp against him with his arms loose over Bills shoulders and one hand still netted in his hair and hes everything Bill has always imagined he would feel all wobbly and warm like a dream so Bill comes despite himself and his protests and it drips down Jons thighs onto the bed and when Bill pulls away he lays Jon down and kisses him and wont stop until Jon bites on his lower lip and tugs it so that they part from each other.
We should be having a cleanup shouldnt we, Jon says. His face is fuchsia and his chest heaves like one of those bosomy romance novel birds and Bill could throw up from it.
He says I wanna sleep.
But they do clean up because Jon is a mess and frankly Bill is too. They dont get dressed though and they dont speak. They get under the covers in the other farther cleaner bed. Jon settles curled up facing Bill with his eyes wide open. Bill lies on his back with his arm over Jon. He remembers that alcohol is a depressant.
He has seen his singer naked and he has heard his alto cry in pleasure and he has fucked the legs he sees every night from behind his drums but what does it matter if he doesnt love him?
I must take care of you, Jon says. I want you in my life so I must.
You know how to do that probably as well as I do, Bill replies.
When Bill wakes up he hears Jons voice as a muffled murmur a room away with Chris talking over him. But he doesnt believe in his own solitude until he sits up and sees the empty space beside him. His head throbs. He wonders what time it is. Clock says nine thirty three. Full seven hours since they got off the plane and arrived in New York.
Its just like when they were all living together and he could hear Jon and Chris in Jons room all tones and no words. Jon is giggling. Chris is snarling. A mattress spring squeaks so Bill knows Jon is finally going to receive what he wants. Soon Jon will gasp and squeal and beg for Chris to go deeper and faster and Chris will obey him and the mattress will make noises like a flock of crows over a field and the headboard hitting the wall will make Bills entire room vibrate and since Jon cant have been awake for very long he will probably fight with Chris afterward instead of sleeping with him in relative peace.
Like with Bill.
He hears Chris tell Jon I love you and then Jon says I love you too my Fish.
I do too love you, Bill insists. I do too I do too I do too. But no one can hear him save for himself and he knows and he says it anyway for his own sake. I do too love you. I do too.