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Deadpool Is Not Gay

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Of course Deadpool tracked down Spiderman.

Of course he tried to sneak up on him.

Of course he failed.

“When you want now, Deadpool?” Spiderman asked, not bothering to turn from his high perch over the city. He had used his webbing to climb the skyscraper, no doubt Deadpool used the elevator and left tons of terrified civilians on each floor.

“I need your help, Spidey.” Deadpool’s voice was so sincere, so steady that Spiderman couldn’t help but spare him a glance. “I need you to make me straight. I’m too gay for my own good.”

Deadpool’s request was so characteristically absurd that Spiderman couldn’t help but be intrigued. “I know I’m going to regret asking, but why are you coming to me about this?”

“You’re the only guy I know that I haven’t fucked,” Deadpool admitted unabashedly.

This garnered Spiderman’s full attention. “Iron Man?”

“With the suit on; he has a little port hole thing in the back for long trips.”

“Captain America.”

“I stood and he delivered..”

“Hawkeye.”

“It was more of a prostate exam but he is pressing charges.”

“Wolverine.”

“Funny story, he actually has another claw no one talks about under his ball sac. I thought it was a fingernail at first; thought that chick from The Ring was crawling out his b-hole. It was horrific.”

“Mr Fantastic.”

“More like Mr So/so.”

“That was a weak one.”

“They cant all be home runs,” Deadpool conceded.

“Ant-Man.”

“His dick is proportionate to that of an ant.”

“What does that even mean and do ants even have dicks?”

“Yeah, pick apart my jokes, that isn’t an asshole move,” Deadpool said sarcastically “And what about you? Did the spider that bit you have a dick?”

“I don’t know if your being dumb on purpose or if you really don’t get this: I wasn’t changed into a spider, I just have attributes of a spider. Like strength and stickiness—and I can see you opening your mouth behind that mask about to ask if my penis is sticky and I wont dignify that with an answer, so don’t bother asking.”

“Do you jizz webs?” Deadpool asked instead.

“First lesson in being straight: you have got to start caring a lot less about my genitals.”

“Can you fart webs?”

“Your getting less gay but I cant help but feel like you meant that in the gayest way possible.”

Deadpool gave no answer but silence was explanation enough. Silence was what this city was made of; the silencers of guns and the silence of a baby monitor turned off because sometimes they just need to cry it out and you need to get up early in the morning. Silence and the City is what an accurate title for an adult sitcom about middle aged women perpetuating stereotypes would be in this city because it’s made of silence. This is an angsty city is what we’re going for here because this city is Gotham!

“Why are we in Gotham?” Spiderman demanded to know, having brought a leotard more appropriate for balmy weather.

“Crossover, out of no where!” Deadpool shouted needlessly.

Spiderman waited expectantly for something grandiose or at least completely ridiculous to happen, but nothing did and Deadpool seemed content to wait in silence.

“So what now?” Spiderman asked. Sldquo;Is Two Face going to jump out and you two will have some sort of who’s on first bisexuality banter?”

“Oh my God, that would have been hilarious but I do think that… I was kind of hoping the you set me up for some Deadpool Fucks the DC Universe jokes.”

What the hell? Why not?

“The Flash.”

“Actually a slow and thorough lover.”

“Superman.”

“He wears a kryptonite cock ring because he’s tired of the faster-than-a-speeding-bullet jokes.”

“Green Lantern.”

“Ryan Reynolds masturbating joke, ha-ha, pass.”

“Red Hood.”

“Too easy, pass.”

“Okay, Batman, obviously.”

“I haven’t thought of something for Batman yet. Pass.”

“You can’t keep passing!” The outrage that Spiderman felt made his voice crack and he rushed to say something else before Deadpool could comment on it. “You can’t just skip over Batman! He’s, like, the most popular DC character. It’s total bull shit that you get all the credit for being the witty one, that was my gig long before you came around!”

Deadpool raised his hands defensively and made no move to hide the fact that he gotten an erection from being yelled at by what sounded like a prepubescent boy. “You do one for Batman, since you’re so god damn clever.”

“I don’t know… Maybe something about the Dark Knight and movies? The Dark Taint or something? You could make a joke about anal bleaching?”

“Holy shit, Batman, you are fucking lame.”

“At least I’m trying!” Spiderman snapped. “We have to at least end this on a strong joke.”

“What does a cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend?”

“What?”

“Wipes her butt.”

THE END