He's always wanted to make music. He's always wanted people to listen to his music and get inspired, motivated and beg for more. But he never wanted to feel like an absolute pile of shit when making his music. He grew up dreaming of standing in front of thousands of people and rapping until his throat bled and his lungs screamed for air. Sure he's always been a little insecure when he was apart of the underground scene but now that he's known internationally his insecurities have ten folded. He lived and breathed his music. He loves producing Bangtan's albums. He loves the creative freedom the company gives them but he cant help but feel little upset over the allotted freedom.
Namjoon released his mixtape early 2015 and he was more than proud of his brother. But he couldn't help but feel jealous of the boys lack of insecurity. Sure he had moments of panic and fear about his music and about the fans hating his mixtape and using it as another reason to dislike him and sure he spent hours preparing his songs and rerecorded them all thrice. But he released it with ease. He loved the attention the younger was getting. He loved all of the fans praise and how the boy practically glowed with each twitter mention. But suddenly the attention shifted to himself and the first few times he felt ecstatic that people cared about his music. But then it began to become something people asked him daily at least 5 times an hour and it made him feel like shit.
"Yoongi!" A girl yelled. It was their 2nd time in America and they were in the middle of a hi-touch. He found himself falling for each and everyone of the fans charms.
"When are you releasing your mixtape?" She yelled back.
"Soon." He smiled at her. He hoped she wouldn't ask anything further. He just wasn't prepared.
"Quit lying!" It echoed in his head. He didn't expect the girl to say that. He knows she was probably just joking but shit, it really affected him.
Hoseok released his first original rap in late 2015 and the focus was barely on his big mouthed brother. Suddenly Yoongi's mixtape was being demanded. People weren't listening to Hoseok's song, they expected Yoongi to release his own.
'Where's you're mixtape?'
'Why do you keep lying?'
'Quit making us wait. Its really getting annoying.'
'Quit ruining Bangtan!'
"Yoongi." He heard a timid voice say from behind. He knew he should recognize the voice. He knew he should it was so familiar but everything sounded like he was underwater and his mind so foggy from the lack of sleep. He turned around saw a head of orange.
"Yoongi, go to sleep. Please."
"Listen to this first. Is it okay?"
"Knock it off!" He yelled, Yoongi jumped. "Why are you so invested in this stupid mixtape! Its fucking with your head! You haven't eaten in god knows how long, you're barely even sleeping! Please Yoongi! Just come lay with me." He finished off in a whisper. Yoongi shook. He knew Jimin didn't understand. He never did.
"No." He said turning around putting his headphones back on and focused on picking out every tiny mistake he made. The fans are angry. He's ruining Bangtan. He's the reason they're losing fans. If he wasn't such a shitty person and wasn't so pissy all the time Bangtan would be okay. "T-The fans. They need this Jimin. I'm doing this for them."
"You're gonna kill yourself Yoongi. Please!" He said hot tears falling from his eyes. He feels like he's about to vomit. His stomachs churning his minds muddled and he made his brother cry. He's such a shitty person. He's rerecorded each song a number of times. He's thrown away some songs to only add them back in then decide once again he wasn't worthy of being a producer. He shouldn't be aloud to write. He's terrible, everything he wrote sounded the same. He's tried to write about happiness, like the love he has for his brothers and fans but it all seems to turn gloomy and he knows he shouldn't cry. He knows he shouldn't be crying but he's so stressed out he's lost so much weight and his dark circles were becoming harder and harder to conceal. He's come so close to giving up a million times. He's come so close to just throwing himself into a lake of lava.
"Yoongi, you know the fans will love it regardless?" Namjoon says placing a hand on the elders shoulder. Yoongi shook him off.
"Namjoon you know this just as well as I do, I cant just pull shit out of my ass and release it. It has to be perfect. I cant disappoint them anymore. I cant let you boys down."
"The fans would honestly flip shit if you released a 4 minute song of just you making fart noises. Hell they'd love it even if it was a 2 minute recording of you yelling pussy."
Yoongi chuckled. "Namjoon. Just go. You know how much I put into each album. You know how much of a perfectionist I am."
"Yes, I know it very well trust me. Maybe you'd be better off if you just let someone else produce it. You know Taehyung loves to produce as well as Kook."
"Are you serious." Yoongi growled. The audacity of this boy I swear. How could he even call himself a producer, a rapper if he couldn't even produce his own fucking mixtape. He stormed out of the room shaking for the 2nd time this week.
"Hoseok, come here."
"Tell me what you think of this." Hoseok smiled. He loved listening to Yoongi's music. He loved the rawness of the elders voice and the emotions the poured through the speakers. He really looked up to him. He listened the song started out slow. It started out calming, beautiful like the soundtrack to a perfect summers night with your lover. He smiled taking in the beat. Hoseok aloud the older voice to completely consume him. He allowed his body to be controlled by the emotion and beat and he couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face.
"Yoongi this is" He paused. "This is amazing. Its beautiful oh my god." He said jumping up and held his face in his hands. "You need to release it. The fans oh my god theyd go ape shit crazy over it!" He squealed.
"You really think so?" He smiled. Hoseok nodded.
Later that night Hoseok woke up around 2 am to the song Yoongi played for him earlier and an angry scream followed by the smashing of a keyboard and heart wrenching sobs.
"Were gonna need a new keyboard." Yoongi said emotionlessly the next morning. Hoseok's heart felt like it was going to implode.
"Yessir!" The youngest said entering the studio.
"I need you to sing for me."
"Yeah, now get your ass in there." he grunted. Jungkook nodded running excitedly into the recording room. He loved singing for his brother. He loved the smile he got on his face when he sang and he loved the praise he got or his voice. He especially loved being able to listen to Yoongi's songs before anyone else was aloud and if he was being truthful he always heard them even if he wasn't aloud because he knew his password to everything and always listened to Yoongi's rough drafts. The melody that filled his ears was something he'd heard before. he knew this. He listened to it before. He loved this one. It was about the struggles that came with being in the underground scene, the struggles of being raised in a family with no money and the love and appreciation he held for his mother. It was a beautiful song but Jungkook knew that Yoongi's anxiety wouldn't allow the song to make the cut.
"Are you sure Jungkook?"
"Yes!" He nodded furiously. "Its amazing!"
Seokjin sat on the couch with his legs open and Yoongi was on the floor sitting in front of his resting his aching head on the boys plush thigh. He sighed, eyes become heavy. He hadn't slept in days. The effects of exhaustion had began to kick in earlier that day. His head was pounding, he had fallen about 30 times during practice and each time he stood he almost fell over. He let his eyes fall shut and allowed exhaustion to wrap a warm blanket of sleep around him.
"I'm worried." Jungkook cried looking at his older brother sleeping on Seokjin.
"Are you sure he'll be okay?" Jimin whispered brushing a tuff of damaged mint hair away from his twitching nose.
"Yeah. Taehyung went and unplugged the studio computer. He's also locking the door. Pd-nim said since we have the week off we need watch him. He doesn't want him out of bed unless he's using the bathroom of course. He isn't allowed on social media either so were gonna have to take his stuff." Namjoon said with sad eyes focused on the boy he looked up to.
"He's gonna be so angry. He's going to hate us." Jungkook cried.
"Shut up. No he wont. Hell be pissed at first but he'll thank us later." Seokjin glared hitting the youngest head.
"Sorry." He whispered wiping his snotty nose like a two year old.
"Take him to your room Jiminnie. Stay with him too. Don't let him out of your sight. You're in charge of his today. I'm gonna take the others out for a bit. Ill take you somewhere tomorrow okay?" Seokjin replied.
"Yes, mom." The beagle boy complied. "Can you take me for ice cream!" He said eyes shimmering. Seokjin nodded, ruffling the boys hair and kissing his youngers head.
"Sleep well Yoongi. Sorry. Don't stress too much." Jimin smiled later that night, closing his eyes.
"You too Jiminnie. Thank you." He replied once the younger was finally asleep."