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wanted: one day job that doesn't get me killed

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Clint is never going to let himself get kidnapped on purpose again.

Scratch that.

Clint is never speaking to Tony Stark ever again. Right after he tells Steve that he's never getting kidnapped on purpose again. And right after he punches them both in the dick.

Because this?

This fucking sucks.




Okay so backtrack. Six hours earlier and Clint and Kate are dancing. Tony's throwing a party. Girl knows how to tango.

"Will you stop checking the corners?" she snaps. "We're having fun."

"You're having fun, Hawkeye. I am working. Full time job, Avengering."

"Yeah, I know. I'm an Avenger. Who are you looking for?"

"Cap said to be on the lookout for a tiny dude. Beady eyes. Glasses. Like the owl man from Gatsby or something."

"Wow. I'm impressed."

"Hey." Clint dips her low. "I read."

The man with the beady eyes walks into the room.




Six hours later Clint is having the ever loving crap beat out of him. He wonders why he agreed to do this. Beady eyed man's big-headed friend with big arms and big fists shoves them into Clint's face for the third -- no, tenth -- time in two and a half minutes.

Oh. That's right. Because he's squishy.

"An Avenger original. How...exciting.."

"Who are you again?" Good time for sass, Barton.

Blah blah blah filling the void left by Mr. Negative blah blah blah I will own this city blah blah blah I will shuck your bones from the skin they live beneath and scoop the marrow out with a melon baller.

Been there, heard that.

Clint succumbs to the last blow and thinks before the world goes black that he sure hopes Owl Eyes doesn't get too much blood blood blood on his ugly ugly ugly tie.




Five hours earlier.

"This is a bad idea."

"Just run and jump."

"Said the man in a flying metal suit."

Tony rolls his eyes. "We'll come back for you."

"Yeah. Okay."

Famous last words, or something.




Cut to now. No more flashbacks. Clint's having a dream about Lucky being a horse and Kate being angry, which isn't like new, or anything, but still unpleasant. He is distantly aware of the fact that their fake kidnapping plan which Tony so brilliantly came up with in order to infiltrate beady eyes/owl man's Secret Lair Thing Or Whatever has gone off the rails, into shark infested waters and is not going to make it.

"Well this fucking sucks," Tony says from across the room, his arms stretched biblically against the wall.

"We were out-manned. Wasn't supposed to be like this." Steve sounds a little groggy, which is slightly worrisome. Clint feels like tenderized steak. "Thor will be here soon."

"Oh great!" Tony's laugh sounds deranged. "More of us can get our asses handed to us! That sounds thrilling, I can't wait to see what happens next."

"This was your idea." Steve shifts against his chains. "I let you take point on this one. You threw the party, you let Clint get kidnapped--"

"Hey, you're supposed to reel me in when I start to get in over my head. You agreed with me, if you'll remember. Clint, tell him he agreed with me."

Clint groans. He's exhausted and he's bleeding and he needs to feed his dog. Also he's hungry. Like, really fucking hungry. His stomach growls and she's gonna be so fucking worried, she--

"Kate!" He looks up. Tony rolls his eyes.

"Hey, Barton, you think you could not think about your prom date for five seconds? Steve's trying to figure out a way to get us out of here."

Steve huffs.

"No, I mean Kate! She knows about the plan, she--"

"The plan was a secret!" Tony hisses. Steve scream laughs.

"Yeah, and that worked out super well, didn't it?" Clint looks up. "She's gonna be here. She--"

"Yes, your undying love is, as usual, inspiring." Tony groans. "I'm gonna sell this armor to a scrap heap and use the money to buy Dunkin Donuts. The company. I'm gonna buy the company. That's what I'll do with the money. You hear that?"

"Wow, talking to your armor." A flurry of arrows break the chains around Tony's wrists and he falls into a heap, swearing. "You running out of original material, Stark?" Another flurry sets Clint free. "How's it hangin', Hawkeye?" Kate steps into the light and grins. Clint swoons, just a little.

"My fucking hero."

"You know it. Alright there, Cap?"

"Never better." He smiles. Kate unleashes another handful of arrows. Steve lands on his feet. Fucking of course Steve lands on his feet. Whatever. Clint looks up.

"How'd you get in?"

Kate pushes her sunglasses over her forehead. "Front door. I knocked. Sort of. Also I brought friends."



By "friends" she means Thor and Wolverine, who show up and give the gangster no one gives two shits about so much hell he surrenders in, like, ten minutes. New record, apparently. Clint just wants a fucking chili dog. Or a slice. Or a turkey and a leg of lamb. He wants roasted, spinning meat smothered in taziki with an enormous Coke on the side. He wants food and he wants Kate and that is pretty much it.

And sleep. He wants sleep.

"So." Kate props her feet in his lap as they order another round of burritos from the shop down the street from his apartment. "Fake kidnapping turned into real kidnapping. That sounds like Tony's idea."

"It was."

"We were dancing like, eight hours ago. This is silly."

"Everything usually is."

Kate sighs. "I had fun dancing. We should do it again."

"Yeah?" Clint smiles. "You wanna go dancing with me, Hawkeye?"

"Only if you'll wear that tux again, Hawkeye."

Clint sighs and leans over the table, kissing her full on the mouth. Kate hums against his lips. "Whatever you want," he murmurs.

"You're gonna eat those words," she says.

"Probably. I'm gonna eat this burrito first, though. Sound good?"

Kate grins. "Sure thing."