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Five Pets The IDF Regretted Adopting

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[1]

 

“Hey, achi, come on!” yelled the reservist in the passenger side of the first car in the queue. “We’d like to go home at some point today!”

“A moment, achi!” yelled the regular on watch duty.

The reservist eyed him doubtfully. The regular was barely visible on the other side of the guard butke, having bent down for some reason. “What are you doing there, jerking off? Jerk off on the Shabbat!”

The regular straightened up and came around. “Sorry, achi. He split on me.”

“Who split on you?”

“The cat with the key.”

The reservist stared at him for a moment, and then turned around to face the entire convoy of reservists on their way home for the weekend, most of whom stepped out of the car by now. “Somebody go get tuna, we got a cat to catch!”

Achi, didn’t you have enough catburgers?”

“Cat’s got the key, clog-brains!”

 

 

[2]

 

“What,” Meltzer asked slowly, “is that?

“That’s a llama,” Gonen replied.

Llama?

Gonen paused in the middle of feeding pellets to the other llama. “Because they’re cooler than cats, achi.”

“Newsflash, Goneni, we’re not the Animal Protection Society.”

“Then why do we have kingfisher pins?”

Meltzer stared at his sergeant. “Because you’re not the most madjnun in this fucked-up army.”

 

[3]

 

Leigh blinked when she entered the office on Sunday morning. “Oy, what happened?”

Ayala glared at her. “Somebody forgot the chocolate out over the weekend.”

Leigh stared at the shredded paper and desks covered with what looked like animal excrement. “I thought the cats can’t get in here.”

“They can’t. We got rats in the walls, didn’t you ever hear them?”

“...I thought that was the AC.”

 

[4]

 

“What the hell?”

“It’s a gift, sir!”

“Is that your way of saying you want to fuck me up the ass, Tzuberi?”

“Not with a sharp horn, sir!”

“...then why is there a fucking moose tied up to next to my car?”

“A, that’s an oryx. B, because the zoo gave them out. What was I supposed to do, let the poor little oryxes be put down?””

“I’m going to put you down if you don’t get your skinny Yemenite ass to family quarters right now and unpark this moose from my doorstep.”

“Sorry, no can do. They’re not housebroken. I’ll have to call the vet.”

“Call the Air Force, too.”

“Uh, the Air Force?”

“Yes. Tell them your CO is selling you for kibble for their watchdogs.”

 

[5]

 

“Moroccan Goat? Is that like Moroccan Knife?”

“You Ashkenazi are all racist.”

“And you Moroccans all have a short temper, Buzaglu. You and your goats.”

“...what, actual goats?”

“Yeah, goats-goats.”

“Why do we have an Operation Moroccan Goats?”

“Because fucking Ordnance Corps thought it was an achla way to guard their shit.”

“Did the goats eat the bombs?”

“Maybe, we don’t know. We need to get through the goats to find out.”