It’s hard to believe we’ve made it this far. After everything that’s happened, I was starting to think we didn’t deserve happiness.
I want tonight to be special. I want it to be the best it can be, to remind us how it always should be. Despise the mountains of problems, the impossible odds, the heartbreak and sacrifice, we’ve finally arrive here.
Our home. Just for the two of us. No one trying to pull us apart. No one telling us we can’t be together. No tortured voice in the back of our minds telling us that this could never happen, and we shouldn’t want it because we just can’t have it.
The place is too small, made to be temporary housing for company transfers. The furniture is old and lived in and our only possessions are still packed in a few boxes that fit in the trunk of mom’s car. But none of that matters. The whole lot, every little thing, is better than I ever dared to dream. This tiny, dirty flat is everything I’ve fantasized about since I can remember.
Georgia is still in the kitchen, cleaning up the wine glasses from dinner. The gentle klink of the glass makes a chime that has my eyes starting to water. The pure sound of domestic bliss is in that chime.
“What are you doing, Nat?”, she calls as she turns off the tap.
“Just in the bedroom”, I reply. My hands smooth the sheets on the bed, on our bed, and I let my mind drift just a little with the tactile sensation on my fingertips. I don’t realize that a moment has passed, lost in my own head, until she peers around the doorframe casting me a sly look.
“Isn’t it a bit early to be going off to sleep?”, she says.
“Who said anything about sleep?” I pat the space next to me and she giggles as she walks to me. She sits down and the look of happiness on her face swells my heart. I would give anything to see her this happy always. I’ve seen every emotion possible cross her beautiful face. Hurt, betrayal, fear, self-loathing and the deepest soul-sick sadness. It kills me sometimes to know how many of those pains I have put on her face myself.
But right now her eyes are shining and happy and full of love. I’ve never been able to look her in the eyes and not get lost. It’s like she’s pulling me inside her soul and all I want to do is be in there with her. I feel myself being drawn to her, and I suddenly need to be as close to her as possible. It’s like we both have this compulsion to be wrapped up in each other, no barriers, no limits, no separation. It feels like I might die if I can’t put myself into her.
“Nat…”, she whispers into my face. I’m already so close to her that my name is a puff of air from her lips and I suck it into my mouth before pressing it to hers. I’m pushing her down onto the bed before I even know that I’ve moved.
The squeaking of the mattress brings me back to myself for just a moment. I wonder for a split second if I should get a condom. We never really used them before, except the one time I was with someone else…that first time we were together again after I tried breaking away from her with Jules. Not that I was ever able to make love to Jules again after Georgia came back home. But I had done before, and the condom was Georgia’s way of punishing me. Letting me know there was a barrier between us…at least for a little while. But right now I’m thinking about it because of the pregnancy, and the abortion. Our baby that we were too scared to bring into the world. I worry that it’s too soon to start really considering the options we have now until that old wound has had time to heal.
I haven’t asked her if she’s back on the pill. I don’t want to know, really. I’ll leave that decision up to her. And if she’s ready to have a baby, finally ready now that we are on our own, with no one to judge us or persecute us, then I’m ready too. The idea of starting our life together in this new house with anything between us sounds awful, so I forget about the condom.
I need to feel her around me, as close as we can be. And the idea of coming inside her, leaving a piece of myself in her sounds like heaven. Thinking about Georgia walking around after with my seed still deep? My own DNA mixing inside her, a physical piece of myself left to remind me where I belong, it feels like the only thing that keeps me going until I can be in her again. And if that seed takes root, and winds the two of us together into a new soul with equal parts of us both? I really can’t imagine anything better.
As desperate as I am to be in her, we are still slow and gentle taking off our clothes. It’s like peeling back the layers, so that each uncovered bit of my skin gives a new thrill when it touches hers. We’ve tried everything over the years, every way of combining our bodies together, but this has always been my favorite. Slowly revealing ourselves to each other, face to face as I loose myself in her eyes.
She gives a little whine and scrunches her eyes when I take my hand off her to position myself at her entrance. I know she’s like me. It hurts to be apart. Even just a little. Even just for a minute. But we both know we’ll come back together again. We always do. And as I push inside her, the whine becomes a sigh, and I see the small twinge of tension around her eyes relax.
And finally I’m inside her, slowly pushing into her, grinding up and pressing at her most sensitive spots. It feels like the tide moving. Steady, rhythmic and unrelenting. And each time I press down into her, she arches up into me. And it’s amazing, like the forces of nature are pushing us together and wrapping us tight.
Like always, my eyes lock onto hers and stay there. I need to see her, and feel our connection. She’s pulling me into the deep wells of her eyes and I’m happily falling. I can see inside her this way. I rest my forehead against hers, but we keep our eyes open and locked together through it all. It’s too close to even focus my vision, but we have to see each other. I try not to even blink as she consumes me with her stare. We breathe into each other’s mouths, openly panting into the other. Pulling the other’s breath deep into our lungs so it can fill us up and return to the other, an endless cycle of swirling back and forth between us both.
I see her eyes change a bit and, oh god, it’s going to push me over. It always does, when we look at each other like this. One of us will pull the other and we fall together into an abyss. Our bodies quicken together and we both go still and breathless like we’ve found some transcendence, and I can’t help but groan as my body pulses and thrums with release and I can feel her body matching the rhythm.
It used to scare me so much, falling like this with her. Because I thought it should be wrong, even though it felt so right? Because I feared that each time might be our last, and I didn’t know if I could live without doing this with her every moment for the rest of my life? Yes, all of that. And I let that fear hurt us both sometimes. But each time when we found our way back to the other, I’d just be begging to fall with her again. And we always do find our way back.
I slowly come into my head again and feel the heat of our skin and the wet between her legs, all I can do is stroke her hair and smile like an idiot. We’ll have to move apart eventually, but for right now, I want every second of connection I can get. Finally, we don’t have to pull away from each other. Hide quickly in case we are discovered. We are safe now and with each other like we want to be. Mom, Dad, even Danny knows about us. We don’t ever have to hide again. And as we both refuse to break away our stare, we smile together. Knowing that nothing can stop us, and looking forward to starting our life, and our family, together.