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A Very Strange Adventure (For all parties involved)

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“Hey Dean; possible case?” Dean walked over to Sam who was perusing over his precious laptop.

“Thank God. All this nonsense about demons and psychics – God I want just a simple fucking salt-and-burn.” Sam looked back at Dean, rolling his eyes. Idiot. “So Sammy-boy, what you got?”

“Don’t call me that. Two people in three days around this one school. Sliced in half.”

“That’s not that weird. It could just be, I dunno, a serial killer? Those exist, y’know.” Sam groaned.

“But that’s the thing; it’s not the only thing that’s been happening around there. Three people flayed with scissors, about half-a-dozen people missing, people being drained of all blood in bathrooms – it goes on. It seems that this one area, particularly this old school is a hotspot for weirdness. You said it yourself, we need something simple. Let’s just check it out, okay?”

Dean sighed.

“Okay. Come on, where is it?”
“Not far from here. We should make it in a day.”

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“Wait. We live in America? I thought this was Japan?” Suki asked, dangling her feet off a bench. Hajime sighed.

“Well, we all speak in English, and although all the signs are in Chinese or something, we do have American accents. Plus, the lazy bugger known as the author decided not to do anything about it and just kind of let it slide. Plus, who ever heard of a Jewish Japanese?”

“Actually, Jewish people have lived in Japan since the 1850s, and -”
“Shut up Leo. Plus, Miss Jesus Freak over there is not exactly a Japanese stereotype, is it?”
“Again, although Christians are one of the religious minorities in Japan, they do still exist, and I’m sure some of them are -”
“Shut up Leo!”

“If you just let Jesus into your heart, you’ll know that at least I’m not a filthy liar who messes with the continuity of the story.”
Suki glared at all of them. “Thanks guys, you literally broke the fourth wall twice! We have a quota, y’know?”

Keiichirou tugged on Satsuki’s skirt. She sighed, rolling her eyes at him.
“What is it? Is your bladder full again? Holy Hell, when will you learn how to use the toilet?” He pointed up ahead to two large men in suits approaching them. Hajime looked around hurryingly.
“Ah shit. Feds. Deny everything, if they mention drugs deny even more, and if they touch you scream rape. That always works.” Keiichirou nodded sincerely. Satsuki glared at all of them.
“They’re probably just here because of the weird shit that happens around here. Remember? At least none of us are black.” Leo gaped at her, while Momoko nodded dreamily.
“I know that I am innocent, for I am not a sinner, and I shalt never let evil come into my heart.”

The two men walked up to them. They towered over the kids, reaching into their pockets and showing them their badges. Hajime sighed.

“Sorry, FBI. Excuse me; do you know where the old school house is?” The larger of the two spoke, crouching down slightly to see them properly.
“Uh, duh doi. It’s the ramshackle building that looks like a school. Y’know, the one right next to this one? Pretty obvious if you ask me.” Suki glared at the two, speaking slowly as if they were four.
“Well, all the signs are in Chinese or something, so…” The smaller spoke as Hajime gave a victorious huff.
“Japanese, Dean. It’s odd. I’ve heard of Japanese settlements in America, but…” Hajime interrupted.
“Yeah, believe me I know, it’s almost like the author did not think through at all with her plan. It’s almost like this is sort – of – really ridiculous, amirite?” The two stared blankly at the child, as he continued babbling about continuity and world development. Momoko in the meantime tugged on the larger one’s trousers, smiling ethereally.

“Do you know that you have the devil in you?” He stared wide-eyed as she nodded sincerely. He opened his mouth to speak, but something got lost, and he just kind of stood there, mouth opened and staring at the purple – haired girl. “Yes, it’s true. For we all have the devil in us, until we accept the Lord Jesus as our mighty ruler.” He shook his head, rolling his eyes and inched away from the Jesus Freak girl, who was decidedly not letting go of his trousers.

“Dean?” Dean looked around to see Miss Purple-Hair staring intently up at Sam, still ever clutching the right leg of his suit. “Help.” He had been in a very weird conversation with this kid…Hashi…something, about ‘the fourth wall’. But now his attention was averted.
“Come on, Sam. No time to waste in this murder investigation.” He put emphasis on the word, glaring at the collection of very weird brats. Surprisingly, they didn’t flinch or look taken aback, in fact they looked bored. As Dean said (well actually thought but whatever), weird. They both turned to walk away, when Hashi-something yelled.

“Wait!” Dean resolutely continued walking but Sam stopped.
“Yes?” Sam said. Dean noticed his eye was slightly twitching. Oh dear.
“You’re here about the weird shit right? Especially the stuff to do with the scissors, and the gruesome cutting in half, right?” Sam nodded. “Well, we might know how to figure out what – I mean who, did it?” Sam narrowed his eyes. “But it’s a bit weird.”

The girl then grabbed him by the collar and dragged him over to the rest of the group.
“What do you think you’re doing? They’ll have us committed!”

“Well, maybe they won’t.” A silky voice accompanied by its silky form emerged from the bushes, its eyebrows raised.

“Okay, for one? A silky voice? What the fuck? Also, cats don’t have eyebrows. This is really biologically inaccurate, combined with a stupid description. God author, can’t you do better than that?” Hajime huffed as Suki hit him over the head.
“What did I say about breaking the fourth wall? Oh hai Amanojaku.” Everyone - including the cat, somehow - facepalmed at that terrible reference. Talk about inane references to much better material than this fanfiction. And also clunky sentences.

“Somebody’s on her period!” Hajime muttered to Leo, who did not laugh at all.
“So why won’t we be committed?” Leo asked the cat, who was now sitting imperiously.

“Well, they’re …”

 

“What the fuck? Did that cat just talk?” The smaller of the two Feds was standing, slightly gaping at the possessed cat. Before anyone of them could even try to talk, the man took out a gun and pointed it between its eyes. The entire group of children widened their eyes and quickly stepped back. Amanojaku rolled its eyes.

“Talk about loyalty.” As he said this, Keiichiro, wide – eyed and tiny, ran out to protect their demon companion. Suki grabbed him, as he started crying.
“This is not the time to grow balls, Keiichiro. They’ve got guns.”
“But we have faith. Or at least I do you filthy sinners.”
“Shut up Momoko.”

“Wait, the cat’s black. Do you think we can call it racial profiling?” Hajime joked nervously, as Suki ignored him, her eyes fixed on the gun, her body protecting her brother. The taller of the two men stood pensively.

“As I was saying, they’re hunters.” The cat grinned as the men frowned, the taller of the two also grabbing his gun, as well as a bag of… salt?

“Okay, this is fucking weird even for us.” Leo nodded in agreement with Hajime.

“Sammy, I think those weird-ass kids might be right. This is fucking weird.”