Kwon Soonyoung likes oranges. Fresh, juice, candies, any kind. To Soonyoung oranges are like the sun, full of warmth and life. Oranges are happiness, they’re life.
Some days were good days for Soonyoung. Days where he would be productive easily, when he’d be able to tease and joke with the members and make them smile. Days when Soonyoung would smile without thinking about it. Good days were like a fresh orange, full of the sunny warmth. Good days were rare.
Most days were average. He’d be able to drag himself through practices, choreographing, and performances with a fake smile. It was easier to pretend to be happy then to explain what he was feeling. He’d pretend that he was quieter because he was tired. Which would never be a lie, it just wasn’t the reason he felt like his blood was replaced with tar. Most days Soonyoung felt like orange soda, fake, processed, numb, so far from what he originally was that he’d forget what oranges were supposed to taste like.
The rest were bad days. Days when Soonyoung couldn’t bear the thought of leaving his bed. Days where if he even managed to leave his blankets he could barely force his body through their daily routines. He doesn’t smile or joke on bad days, words feel like cotton caught in his throat, choking him slowly. He barely eats on bad days, the food feels like rocks in his stomach. He knew the others noticed his bad days, he hated that they could see how weak he was. On bad days Soonyoung feels like a rotten orange peel, empty.
Kwon Soonyoung likes oranges. Oranges are life, happiness, warmth. Oranges are everything Soonyoung wishes he could be, everything he wishes he could feel.
Today is a bad day. Less like bad more like horrible. Soonyoung lay in his bed blankets covering his entire body shutting out the bright light of the day. The darkness is comforting to Soonyoung. It’s just as empty and numb as he is. He forces himself into a small ball pushing himself back into the corner of the mattress by the wall. Wondering if he could make himself small enough to disappear completely.
Soonyoung flinches when he hears the bedroom door open, he knew it was only a matter of time before one of the others would come to wake him up. Then he’ll have to get up and pretend he’s fine. However he was not prepared for the sound of footsteps leaving the room instead of sticking around to bug him. Especially because they were Seungkwan’s, their resident alarm clock.
Soonyoung thanks whatever deities might exist and lets himself slip away into his mind, which was quickly filling with the voices of his thoughts.
//What’s it like to be dead?
is it just emptiness forever?//
//When you die you go to Heaven or Hell, haven’t you listened to Jisoo?//
//Then will we go to Hell?//
//Of course we would, look at us.//
//What if you get reincarnated?//
//Maybe then we wouldn’t be such a mess//
//Should we test it???//
//How would we do that?//
//We die of course!//
His head fills with a chorus of cheers, as if his thoughts had finally thought of the solution to all of their problems. Soonyoung knows that by tomorrow he’ll be fine, the really bad days never stick around for long. However he can’t the idea of death from floating around his head. The voice that whispers in his mind is his own this time, soft and unsure.
//How would I do it?//
Soonyoung's mind flashes to the bottle of prescription painkillers on the bathroom counter. Left over from when Minghao sprained his ankle trying a new stunt.
//Would anyone notice if they were gone?//
//Would anyone stop me if they knew?//
Soonyoung lays in his bed pointing out every flaw in his plan. He knows he won’t go through with it, he never does. The closest he’d ever gotten was sitting in the bathtub sobbing because he couldn’t figure out how to get the blades off of the razor he’d grabbed off of the counter. No one had said anything when he’d come out of the bathroom 2 hours later, face swollen and red, and gone to bed without eating.
“Soonyoung-ah?” The dancer was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of his name. He forced his voice to remain steady as he forced out a muffled ‘I’m fine’ running his fingers across his face checking for any sign of tears, finding it blissfully, yet painfully dry.
“Soonyoung-ah, come out from under the blankets,” Soonyoung sighed as he pulled the blanket slowly away from his head only to find Jihoon standing by his mattress. The obvious signs of worry that was evident in the producer’s face sends a pang of guilt through Soonyoung's body. He couldn’t help but feel selfish for making the others worry with his personal pity party. The blonde held up his blanket inviting the shorter to lay with him. Jihoon accepted pulling Soonyoung close and resting his head on the older’s chest.
“Do you ever think about dying Jihoonie?” Soonyoung’s voice was barely a whisper. “Like what do you think happens? Where do we go? Is life even worth it?” Jihoon was quiet for a while, letting Soonyoung’s words sit in his mind for a while before responding.
“You know I haven’t really thought about it before,” Jihoon paused again. “I think, I’ve been too busy living to think about dying.” Soonyoung hums as he runs his hands through Jihoon’s fading orange hair.
“I like your hair a lot Hoonie.” Soonyoung sighs as he wrapps himself around Jihoons. It’s times like these that he’s thankful for Jihoon’s small size, even if he will never say so aloud. He feels relaxed with Jihoon in his arms.
“You like oranges a lot don’t you?” Soonyoung nods.
“Oranges remind me of the sun, even when it’s dark out they’re still bright and shining.”
“What about the bitterness though?” Soonyoung laughs, he knows Jihoon is trying to distract him from his own thoughts. He humors him anyway.
“Life’s bitter Jihoon-ah,” Soonyoung pulls away from Jihoon just enough to look the younger in the eyes. “Come to think of it, you’re pretty bitter yourself, maybe it’s a sign.” Jihoon puffs his cheeks out in a fake pout (‘not cute my ass’ Soonyoung whispers under his breath).
“A sign of what?”
“A sight that i’m drawn to bright, bitter things.”
“That was cheesy as hell.”
“You like it though.”
“I do,” Jihoon rolls on to his stomach holding Soonyoung’s face between his hands. “I guess I’m drawn to you too.”
Soonyoung smiles, some of the weight crushing him seems to vanish as Jihoon leans in to press a soft kiss against his lips. Soonyoung could swear that Jihoon’s lips tasted like oranges. “Now go to sleep,” Jihoon mutters moving his head back onto Soonyoung’s chest. “You’ve done enough thinking for one day.”
Soonyoung hums in agreement burying his face in Jihoon’s soft hair and pulling him close, finally drifting into a peaceful sleep.
Kwon Soonyoung likes oranges. Fresh fruit, juice, even overly sweet candies. He’s always thought of oranges as symbols of happiness. Bright and overpowering. He admires them for how they can be bright on even the days when Soonyoung thinks the sun will never shine again, on the days when Soonyoung thinks the darkness will finally swallow him whole.
Lee Jihoon is Soonyoung’s favorite orangs. Always sweet against his lips, of course there is always the bitter edge of the fruit. A bitterness that gets stronger one days when Soonyoung can’t figure out why he’s even i live. days when work swallows them both, days when both hit a breaking point. They always come back to each other, each one drawn to the bright fruit that was their love. Each finding peace in the others arms.
Soonyoung likes oranges, but he loves Jihoon and no amount of horrible days will rot them.