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Of All The Starkillers In All The Galaxy

Chapter Text

Three days. Well, sixty-eight hours, more specifically. That was how long you had been trapped on this damn base. You’d managed to sleep for maybe seven of them. So that meant sixty-one hours left over, sitting in front of these damn computers with no idea what you were meant to be doing.

They had explained your task but that had been when they’d first, well, kidnapped you. And the thing is about having your star cruiser destroyed and being pulled from the wreckage by the First Order is you tend to be a bit disorientated afterwards. It doesn’t help when you get instructions shouted at you by Stormtroopers and then thrown into a tiny, dark cell crammed with tech you didn’t recognise.

You’d typed out as many swear words as you knew on the monitor in front of you in order to stave off the boredom. You’d been quite scared at first, naturally, but after three days of being given no orders you’d just found the whole thing a bit tedious. You rattled the manacles that they’d slapped round your wrists. They were just as sturdy as ever.

This was it. You were tired of this. It didn’t seem like escape was possible – not right now, anyway – so you figured it was worth at least talking to your captors.

You turned round as best you could, despite your constraints. At the cell door was a Stormtrooper, stood to attention, blaster in hand. They didn’t pay you any attention at first.

“Hey,” you called out. Nothing. So, a bit more forcefully: “Hey.”

“Quiet, inmate,” came a muffled voice from under the helmet. You rolled your eyes.

“Look, can you at least tell me what you want me to be doing here? It’s been three days now and I’ve had no clue.”

“I was told you were given specific instructions.”

“What, when I was dragged out of my ship, barely conscious? Yeah, maybe,” you sighed. Poor kid. It wasn’t their fault that they were put in a crappy guarding position. Most Stormtroopers didn’t even want to be Stormtroopers anyway. You tried a different approach.

“Look. I’m not going to try and run away. Look at these shackles, they’re almost bigger than me. Can you please just find someone and ask what I’m meant to be doing? I don’t want to just sit here.”

For the first time the guard turned their head to look at you, and they seemed torn. It wasn’t that you were particularly good at manipulating people, per se, merely that you had a certain… way about you, a way that made it easy to get them on your side. The guard looked to the cell door and back.

“Can you be trusted?”

They couldn’t have been more than a teenager, bless them. You made a theatrical display of trying to free your hands, failing.

“I’m not going anywhere, kid.”

Once more there was a hesitation, before the Stormtrooper punched in the cell code (2835, you made a note of that) and scurried off. The metal door slammed shut behind them. With a sigh you fell back in your rather uncomfortable chair. You might as well try and get some more shut-eye.

**

“Get up,” came a forceful demand, and you awoke with a start. There were a pair of Stormtroopers at your sides, fiddling with your restraints, unshackling you from the cell wall, but keeping your hands cuffed together. You tried to register what was going on.

“Wha-?” you managed as you were hauled to your feet. Your legs almost gave way – lord, had it been that long since you had stood up? – but the two soldiers either side of you helped you keep your balance before they started marching you along out your tiny cell.

As you surveyed the halls of the base, you couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. It was quite similar to the government buildings of the Republic, honestly. All sort of a formal grey colour. Given the First Order’s infamy you’d sort of been hoping for red laser beams everywhere, or perhaps some spikes on the walls. But no, it was just… bland.

Clearly, by the third corridor, you were slacking, as one of the new Stormtroopers poked you in the back with a blaster.

“Darling, please. I don’t do that sort of thing until the third date,” you quipped, but clearly they didn’t appreciate your humour, instead making you hurry along even quicker. Alright, tough crowd. As if this place couldn’t get any worse.

You were stopped after about five minutes outside of a large, black archway, but not close enough to see inside the room. One of the Stormtroopers stepped forward.

“Sir, we’ve brought the girl.”

“Leave us,” came a distorted voice.

Genteel as ever, the Stormtrooper nudged you towards the archway again. You rolled your eyes but went anyway, and were met with what seemed to be some kind of council room. It may have been in darker shades of grey than back in the Republic, but a quick sweep of the vast table that took up most of the space was enough to make out the tell-tale faded coffee rings. Yep, this was a meeting room, not a torture room.

There was, however, someone else in there with you. Someone very tall, and dressed in black, with their back to you, surveying something on a screen. You looked them up and down, and you saw the lightsaber strapped to their waist. Ah. Damn.

“So you must be Kylo Ren, I take it?”

The tall figure turned to face you, cape flowing around them. You were met with yet another helmet. Damn, what was it about this place and its helmets, you thought as your mind wandered. Maybe it was some kind of dark side law. For once you were glad your thoughts were running wild as if they had been in order you would have been terrified.

“You know my name,” came the distorted voice from before. It wasn’t a question but you answered anyway.

“Yes. Well, you are notorious,” was your honest response. Everyone in the Republic had heard of the horror story that was Kylo Ren, the dark side’s prophet, a bringer of destruction. And yet here he was. Standing in front of you. Just… a man.

“And yet you aren’t afraid of me. Why?”

That almost made you laugh, but the sound that came out of you was more of an exhausted sigh.

“Because what do I have to be afraid of? What have I got left to lose?”

Ren seemed to think this was an acceptable answer and changed the subject.

“You were with the Republic, were you not? An administrator if I recall.” Lord, this man was unnaturally still. Had he even moved since he had started talking?

You shifted uncomfortably. Because, technically, what he had said was true. It wasn’t because you held great political views. It was because you had needed a job. And the thing you had taken part time had become your life for the past five years.

“I was. Yes.” You had a terrible feeling you knew where this was going.

“But you fled. Because you found there was something that you were better at.”

“Look. Whatever information I hacked from them, I’m sorry, but I don’t have it any more. I sold it.” and you didn’t regret it, either. The government had no business having such… delicate information about things to themselves. Covering up wars, genocide. You’d decided that it should be public knowledge.

“I don’t want any of that. I want you to hack into the mainframe for the Republic.”

That was not what you had expected. You gave a snort.

“Right. Do you have any Republic circuitry I can have access to?”

A terse silence. “No.”

“Any derelict Republic starships?”

No.”

“So you have nothing on this base, apart from me, that has actually come from the Republic.”

Ren didn’t reply. You felt this was a dangerous game but, honestly, as you had said before, what did you have to lose?

“No, then. Unless one of the governors decides to make a miraculous appearance with all the data I need, I can’t do that.”

Honestly, you think you held it together very well when Ren pulled out his lightsaber and, with impossibly strong anger, brought it down onto the table. There was an almighty crack and it fell apart under the blade’s force. Kylo Ren stood, his body heaving from his heavy, infuriated breathing. You were just about to make a snarky remark, when-

“We have your droid.”

It was the first thing he had said to get a real rise out of you. You were sure you blanched.

“What?”

“We have your droid. It was on your ship with you. If you want it to stay in one piece, you’ll find a way. Take her away. I’m finished with her.”

“Wait, no-” you lunged forward, but a single raised hand from Ren stopped you in your tracks. All your limbs seized up at once and all you could do was look into the blankness of his mask before you were dragged back to your cell.

Chapter Text

The galaxy stretched out before you. God, everything was so clear when you were flying! There wasn’t any atmosphere to cloud your vision like when you were standing on a planet’s surface. Millions of stars from millions of miles away lit your flight as you sped through the vastness of space, your tiny starship moving impossibly fast. This was it. This was where you were meant to be, not stuck behind some cramped desk at the government! These past six months, being free from all your ties to the Republic, they’d been better than all your years on the ground.

A sudden beeping from behind you snapped you out of your thoughts. Your BB-5 unit rolled up behind you, falling indelicately to one side where an unlucky meeting with a rock had left him dented.

“What’s the matter, Barnabus?” you asked, straining to look round at your friend. His beeping became more hurried and you furrowed your brow.

“I can’t see anything following us. You’re just being paranoi-”

You didn’t finish your sentence before your whole ship was hit.

One blast, that was all it took. One hit and your tiny ship was spiralling out of control, her warning sensors screaming that something was wrong, in case you hadn’t noticed. You only had enough time to pull on a breathing mask before the debris that was flying in through your cracked windscreen knocked you unconscious.

With a gasp, you sat up, trying to take in everything. Where were you? It was dark, and cold, and…

The cell. Starkiller Base. First Order. Kylo Ren.

The lights of the consoles around you twinkled gently, as if taunting you with their similarity to the stars. It made you want to punch something. Ha, you thought bitterly, what a very Kylo Ren thing to do.

Still disorientated, you craned your neck round to find that there was a Stormtrooper placed at your door, as ever.

“Let me see my droid,” you said. That was the only thing that mattered right now.

“You’re not to leave the cell,” was the reply. You held back a snarky I’m all too aware of that. There was no point shouting at the Stormtroopers. You tried being gentle, that tactic had worked before.

“I… look. Please, can you let me see him? I’m just worried about my friend, that’s all.”

The Stormtrooper didn’t look at you. “I don’t have the authority to let you do that.”

“Well then, can I speak to Kylo Ren?”

You saw them freeze under their armour. The guard gripped their weapon a bit tighter.

“I… I don’t know.”

“Can you please go and find out then?” you rattled your manacles – was it just you, or had they gotten a bit tighter? – “I’m not going anywhere.”

It took a moment before the Stormtrooper sighed and pressed the intercom button in the cell, summoning another one of his guardmates. Their conversation was in a hushed whisper, and despite listening as hard as you could, you had no idea what they were saying. With a tentative nod, one of them left the cell.

“Tell him it’s about the hacking!” you call after them, and then sit and wait.

You had no idea if Ren would come, honestly. It seemed a bit of a long shot since you had most definitely pissed him off the last time you had spoken. You didn’t particularly want to see him again really, not after the temper tantrum he’d thrown at you last time. But you had to know if Barnabus was alright.

“Prisoner. You are to come with me,” a Stormtrooper suddenly piped up, entering into your cell, gesturing you forward with their gun.

“I have a name you know,” you muttered. “And it would be wonderful is someone could actually tell me where we’re going at some point. Not that I don’t enjoy these exciting little outings.”

They didn’t answer back as they unshackled the chain that kept you to the wall. You almost continued heckling them but couldn’t find the effort to do it, so let yourself be swept along a different corridor this time, and herded into an elevator (which was, once again, unspectacular. Bad show, First Order. It was all still as grey as the food they had tried to serve you.)

You tried to keep track of your position as you descended. You were annoyed with yourself for not having done so when they last took you out. It would be good for you to have at least some kind of map in your head for this damn place, so when the opportunity presented itself, you could get out as fast as you could. You were considering if there was any way you could fly with handcuffs on when the elevator jolted to a stop and the door slid open.

It seemed to be some kind of storage room. You weren’t quite sure why you were surprised, everywhere had them, you just figured maybe the First Order’s one would be more… tidy. They had really let you down so far. But, packed in between the random metal beams and old computers that were scattered in the room, there was a droid with a dent in its side, staring sadly at the place on the ground where its feet might have been.

Barnabus!” you nearly shouted, springing away from the guards beside you. Your droid perked up the moment he heard his name, let out an excited little screech, and rolled towards you. You fell to your knees wrapped your arms around him the best you could as his little head rolled against your shoulder. It was the closest he could get to a hug. “Are you alright?”

I’m fine, Barnabus said back in his little language of whistles and beeps, what about you? Have they hurt you? If you want me to break some knees just say the word.

“No, you don’t need to do anything like that, I’m fine! I’ve been bored as shit though. Lord, I am so glad you’re okay, Barney,” you planted a little kiss on his metallic forehead.

“You’ve named the droid.”

You spun round. The two Stormtroopers that had escorted you down were gone. From out another elevator shaft stepped Kylo Ren. Even with a helmet on it felt like he was looking down his nose at you. You stood up, blocking Barnabus as best you could.

“Yes, he has a name. He chose it himself,” you spat back. Ren took a step closer and Barnabus rolled away.

“You let the droid tell you what to do?”

“No, he’s my friend. Not that you’d understand that.” You saw his fists tighten. Right, this wasn’t going well. Instead, you swallowed your pride.

“Thank you.”

He hadn’t expected that, so at least that was something. It seemed that terrifying aura he held about himself cracked, just for a moment.

“Why?”

“For letting me see Barnabus. You didn’t have to.”

I can probably headbutt his dick from here, Barnabus piped up, his shrill whistle coming from behind you.

“Barnabus says thank you too.”

Kylo Ren cleared his throat, an odd sound coming out from under that helmet and its distortion. “You mentioned the hacking.”

You sigh. “Do you still know the co-ordinates of where my ship was destroyed? If you can bring me the navigation controls from it, I might have a starting point. They were Republic-assigned. Maybe I can get into their entire navigation system from there. Maybe.”

Ren surveyed you before giving a curt nod.

“But I have some conditions. I get to see Barnabus every day. And I want a bigger cell. And some food that isn’t grey.”

“This isn’t a negotiation.”

“No, it isn’t.”

It was the firmest your voice had sounded since you had arrived on this damn base. You were half expecting him to throw a tantrum again. But now it was his turn to surprise you.

“You will be moved and contact with your droid will be allowed,” he stated. You had to fight back a grateful smile, you didn’t want to seem too in his debt.

“Alright then, Kylo Ren. I’ll see what I can do.”

Chapter Text

You were moved to your new cell almost immediately. And, whilst it was still a cell, it was actually, well, not too bad. They were more chambers than anything. They were at least three times as big as that first place you’d been crammed into. Whilst there was still consoles lining the walls for your hacking, you now had a table and a chair too, and an actual bunk to sleep on. And praises upon praises, you had a bathroom. You could wash. You could not be marched to the toilet when you needed to piss. And, though the shackles keeping your hands together were still left on, the ones that kept you tethered to the wall like some kind of beast weren’t present any more.

Yes, it was still a cell. But at least is was better than the last one.

The moment you had gotten in there you went to sleep straight on the bunk. You had no idea how long you were out for but after trying to rest in a chair for four days the thin mattress was like a bed of down under you.

What disturbed your rest some hours later was a small squadron of Stormtroopers bringing in the wreckage of your old ship and setting it down on the table. There was far more there than you had asked them to bring you but honestly, the more the better. You thanked them sleepily before eventually forcing yourself to get up and look at the tech that they had brought you. It was everything you needed.

Both for what you had said you would do for Ren, and what you needed to escape.

An escape plan was always in the back of your mind. You weren’t one of those Resistance fighters, but you weren’t going to stay merrily chained up in the hotspot of the First Order. It was going to be difficult though, because most of the time there were still Stormtroopers watching you, blasters ready.

So for a couple of days, you threw yourself into it. There were wires that stretched across the room from the consoles to the tech of your old ship, and your fingers flew across keyboards and screens, trying to find a way into the Republic’s system.

And, after a while, seeing that you weren’t making any attempts to escape, the Stormtroopers seemed to relax. And their shift swapping got slower. So it mean, for a couple of times a day, you were left with a handful of minutes with nobody watching you.

It was far, far easier to get access to the First Order databases from these new consoles, and easier still than that to transfer a copy of the Starkiller Base’s map to a                 memory stick. It didn’t look great in the few seconds you had to study it before your guard came back. From what it seemed, your cell was pretty deep in the base, and Barnabus was even deeper. Getting out of here was going to take a while.

You had taken to keeping your hair in a ponytail since you had arrived here, as it was quite long. You hadn’t been given a brush so it was quite unruly, but honestly that was more of a help at this point. When the lights went down in your cell to tell you to sleep you carefully hid the memory stick in your hair, curling a bun around it, so to anybody who saw you it would look like you had simply had a change of hairstyle, albeit a slightly elaborate one. You just had to hope that nobody questioned it.

You were only pulled out of work when, after three days in the new cell, a Stormtrooper came to fetch you. You were a little confused before you were told “you are going to be taken to see your droid.” You practically jumped up with excitement.

Barnabus was still in the same room as before and as you bent down to hug him you whispered, as low as you could, “I need you to open a hatch. There’s something I need to give you.”

I don’t do that sort of thing until the third date, Barney whistled back as you played with your hair in the guise of merely redoing the bun, allowing you to slip the memory stick carefully into your hand.

“Right, that joke is funny, isn’t it? Nobody here has laughed once,” you complained. This led to a long, ridiculous conversation with Barney about the nature of innuendos, and the Stormtrooper observing you seemed to get quite uncomfortable. As soon as they turned their head for a spilt second when you discussed whether ewok sex was technically bestiality, you took the chance and gave Barney the memory stick. He took a moment to study it internally and then let out the quiet droid equivalent of an aaaaah, right, before not skipping a beat and continuing with your discussion from before.

You weren’t quite sure how long you were down there with Barney, but at some point the Stormtrooper clearly had enough and marched you back to your cell. It had taken a load off your mind, having one of your silly talks with your droid again. It made you feel like this insane few days had some semblance of normality. And just when you felt you couldn’t possibly be any more pleased, when you came back to the cell, there was food on the table. Actual food. Not just grey stuff anymore!

You run over to the small selection of plates and bowls and began to devour it despite the restriction of the manacles on your hands. Lord, food had never tasted so good. You were about a minute into your feast when you realised you had a guest.

“You were hungry, I take it,” Kylo Ren said, standing awkwardly in the doorway to your cell. Did the man have any other way of standing except for awkwardly? Probably not, you suspected.

“I’m hungry for any colour that isn’t grey,” you replied between mouthfuls. “Are you going to sit down or just make the place look untidy?”

He considered it for a moment, before setting himself down in the other chair at the table. He watched you eat. You didn’t slow down, but you did rip some bread in two and push half of it towards him on a plate.

“Eat with me.”

“Why?”

You realised you didn’t have an actual answer to that. You had just sort of accepted his entrance without question. You wondered if this was some strange Force trick. It didn’t feel like it, though. It felt like it was your idea to ask him to sit with you.

“Because even though I love Barney I’d like to have some actual human conversation.”

“I’m not a conversationalist.”

“Good thing I am.”

He studied the bread in front of him, and just as you were about to assure him it wasn’t poisoned, Ren reached up to his helmet and removed it with a swoosh.

You stared at his face for a moment.

“When you take that off, are a lot of people surprised?” because you were, honestly. Under all that black metal and voice distortion you had no idea what you were expecting to see. Certainly not a man as young as he was. Nor as strangely handsome, with that jaw that wasn’t quite symmetrical, and all those freckles, and those curls he didn’t seem to have any control over. His mouth twitched, ever so slightly, and you wondered if it could have been a smile. Off came his gloves too, and he tore off a small chunk of bread and popped it in his mouth with those long, pale hands. He had quite nice lips, you couldn’t help thinking.

Ah damn, you should help thinking that. You tried to bury your thoughts in food.

“How is your work?” his voice was so low as well. Damn, it was nice. You couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Not bad. I’ve finally got into the Republic system, but honestly, it’s going to take me a while to get any further. Their security has gone up since I worked there.”

“I wonder why.”

You snorted, because yeah, it was your fault – but then you realised Kylo Ren had just made a joke. An actual joke. To make you laugh. You finally stopped eating to look at him.

He didn’t eat any more, but he held your gaze for a long time, as if he was trying to suss you out. You had heard stories of what it was like to have your mind invaded by the Force. How it felt like there was a burning from inside you, screaming to get out in any way it could. But you didn’t feel like that. You just felt your own thoughts and your heartbeat in your ears as his hand very, very slowly reached up and brushed some hair out of your face.

You weren’t quite sure what to do. You didn’t have time to think of a response, though, because just as swiftly as he had touched you he took his helmet and gloves and marched out the cell.

And then there was only a small bite from a piece of bread to prove that he had ever been there at all.

Chapter Text

It was lucky that you came up against such a difficult barrier in the Republic’s system, because otherwise you would have dwelt on that touch for far too long. You would have dwelt on the way his fingertips had brushed against your cheek, and how his eyes had seemed so gentle for a moment, and how his lips were just parted enough for you to wonder… for you to wonder…

Okay, well. You could at least try to dwell and hack at the same time.

Time sort of passed in an odd way when you were hacking. Staring at the screen, getting lost in the data, it was hard to tell how much time had passed. You were quite enjoying yourself, actually. It had been ages since you had something so challenging to work on. One night you got so sucked in it was only when the light went off in your cell that you realised how many hours you had spent at the screens that day (and that point the soreness of your eyes suddenly made itself known as well. You probably slept for about twelve hours once you hit your bed.)

More than once you considered sending out a distress signal, but it seemed too risky. The Republic wouldn’t risk anything to save you, in fact it would be more likely they would just send back a “screw you” message. You didn’t know any more rogue agents who would answer. Which left your only hope being the Resistance. You doubted a group of rebels who you had no affiliation with would answer an SOS. It seemed foolish to try it when more things could go wrong than right. So your escape was still down to just you.

But you weren’t quite sure why whenever you thought about getting off this base, you would think about Kylo Ren touching your face.

Three days went by before you were allowed to see Barney again. You were getting used to the route that the Stormtroopers would march you down to get to the elevator which took you into Starkiller’s depths.

You were making notes in your head about features of the corridors you could use to navigate by if you did decide to make a run for it, when you and your two guards turned a corner and were greeted with red sparks flying out a door and a terrible commotion. The suddenness of it made you jump and one of the Stormtroopers pulled you back.

“We’ll, uh. We’ll go the other way.”

You looked to them and then back to the doorway, before slowly walking forward, craning your head to see if you could get a better look. The Stormtroopers didn’t follow you. They were actually moving away.

You weren’t sure what you expected to find, really, but you weren’t surprised when in the room was Kylo Ren smashing the place to pieces. It was much like the first day you had met him. But for some reason, instead of doing the sensible thing and hightailing after the Stormtroopers, you spoke.

“Stop that.”

He swung his head round upon hearing your voice. He was wearing that damned mask again, and his body was heaving. Smoke gently flew out from the computers in the room that had been broken under his lightsaber. With the gentle red glow of his blade cutting through the grey, he looked like some kind of demon.

“Do not assume to give me commands,” he replied, but made no move to continue his wrecking. You took a tentative step forward, and then another. And then suddenly you were close enough to put a hand on his arm. The way he moved when you did was like you had just shot him, but you brought your hand back again, and he didn’t stop you.

“What happened?”

His heavy breathing continued, but he reached up and took off his mask. He looked so angry, but still so damn handsome.

Whoa, time and a place.

“They’re gone.”

Hm, nice and informative, you thought, but bit back the comment. “Who’s gone?”

“One of my squadrons was tracking some Resistance pilots and they got away. They could have led us to their base.” He raised up his lightsaber again, as if he was about to strike something else, but you grabbed his arm as best you could despite your manacles.

“That’s not going to help,” you said, gently but firmly. His arm remained tense in your grip, but eventually, he lowered it down to his side. There was a long, long silence. You hated long, long silences.

So with nothing else to fill it, you opened your mouth and started talking.

“You know. Barney hasn’t always been called Barney. He used to just be called BB-5,” Ren didn’t react, so you decided to keep going. “He wasn’t new when I got him. He was Republic-issued and he’d already had a couple of people he’d worked for before he was assigned to me. But when you work in a building where lots of people have the same BB droids, whenever the older models hear “BB” called out they get confused. So whenever I asked Barney to follow me I would usually get three extra tag-alongs. So one day, me and Barney were walking down a hall, and there are all these portraits of old governors hanging there. And there’s this one painting of this governor that is so, so bald. Like impossibly bald. And me and Barney always have a laugh whenever we pass that picture, because, well, Barney doesn’t have any hair so he’s bald like this guy. Maybe you had to be there really, it’s funnier first-hand. Anyway, one day Barney notices this guy’s name is “Barnabus.” And he quite likes it. And I asked him if that’s what he wanted to be called from then on, and he said yes.”

You were quite aware it was the most words you had ever said to Ren and you realised most of it was absolute garbage, but it felt nice to just talk for a moment about something that resembles normality.

“You took it with you when you left the Republic,” Ren said after yet another pause. You nodded.

“Yeah. I love Barnabus. I don’t love much, but I do love him.”

“Did you not have a family?”

You cleared your throat awkwardly and looked away from him.

“Yeah, but. We never got on. When I was old enough to leave I never heard from them again. Barney’s my family now. Little dented asshole,” you added, fondly. And then, testing the waters, “What about you?”

His grip tightened on the lightsaber, but his answer was perfectly calm.

“Mine were the same.”

You nodded, and then realised that you were still touching him, and suddenly you became very aware of your hand. You sort of didn’t want to move it away, but you were also not quite sure what keeping it there meant. But without really thinking about it, he took your hand in his. You are quite sure your heartbeat speeds up a little.

“I didn’t mean for… this… to startle you. That wasn’t my intention.”

You shrug. “We all have off days. Just don’t have an off day in my room, otherwise I’ll have to start hacking from square one.”

His mouth does that little movement where you believe it could have been a smile if he could smile and he looks down at you. Your hands are still together. You’re very close. And, as if you weren’t in charge of your own body, you reach up and press a kiss onto his pale cheek, and then pull away quickly. Oh shit. Oh Lord. What did you just do.

Ren looks almost confused. His eyes are wide, and it’s the most innocent you’ve ever seen him look. You drop his hand like it was red-hot. You’ve instigated another one of those long silences you hate.

“I’m going to my cell,” you say. You don’t think you can face seeing your droid right now. You don’t wait for him to answer, just turn on your heel and leave the room as quickly as you can.

Chapter Text

You were going to die from embarrassment. Not in some blaze of glory like you thought, perhaps shot down by an angry Republic for daring to oppose their government, but because you had kissed a guy. On the cheek. Not just a guy, though, really. One of the darkest men in the universe.

Why couldn’t things be simple?

You tried to throw yourself into work but you ended up thinking about him. You tried burying your face in your pillow in shame but you ended up thinking about him.

You were fucked. You were so, so fucked.

You tried to keep your face impassive the next day as you were escorted down to see Barney. That damn little droid always had a way of knowing something was wrong with you. As the lift doors slid open, you prepared yourself for the worst.

Things on this Starkiller had a way of surprising you.

Barney was whizzing around the storeroom. But was is Barney? The droid you knew was worn and grey from having been assigned to one too many people in the Republic. But this one, he was a bright shining chrome. And what was even more amazing, was he wasn’t falling to the side. His dent had gone.

“Barney?”

Barney span around at your voice, raced over to you, and started circling you at a high speed.

WHOOO will you look at me! I feel like a new droid! He whistled, the happiest you had heard him be for a while. You laughed and knelt down to get a closer look at him.

“Who… who did this?”

I don’t know! Mr Masky McTantrum came down here and gave some orders and I thought it was going to be to scrap me so I started trying to get away from all these Stormtroopers that were suddenly there, but I couldn’t because of my dent, but then all they did was give me a fix up! Look at me! I’m so shiny!

“You are! Wait…” you looked over to see if the guard was paying attention and dropped your voice as low as it would go, “are certain… items… still okay?”

Hm? Barney was busy admiring himself in a particularly reflective metal wall. Oh, yeah, that’s fine. It was just an outside fix up. Hah, I don’t know what you’re doing up there, but keep it up!

Your face fell. Barney noticed that you didn’t laugh. He stopped in his tracks, moving his little head backwards so he could look at you.

Hooooold up, what’s the matter.

“Nothing.”

Don’t lie to me. You’ve got that look on you. That look you had when I found you outside that bar with your hands down that bounty hunter’s pants... it dawned on him.

Oooooh noooooooooooo.

“Barney-”

Nope. Nope nope nope. Fuck this. No way. You like him, don’t you? You like Masky McTantrum.

Urgh. It made you sound like a teenager but it was kind of true.

“No, I don’t-”

OH MY LORD. THIS ISN’T HAPPENING. YOU HAVE SUCH A TERRIBLE TASTE IN MEN.

“I-”

AND WOMEN FOR THAT MATTER, NOW I THINK ABOUT IT.

“Well, clearly I have a terrible taste in droids!” you snapped, falling to the floor, crossing your arms over your chest. Barney’s whizzing up and down the room continued, but this time it had the air of an annoyed pacing. You were being lectured by your damn droid.

What are you thinking?! This isn’t just some fling you can have! You know we’re prisoners, yeah?

“I know, and…”

Why do you have to go for the worst people! They could have just assigned me to a nice Sullustan, but no. I got you, with all your drama. Barney groaned. He stopped rolling, and let his head fall to the ground with a clunk. Then he beat his head against the floor a couple more times for good measure. You wanted to be annoyed at his reaction but honestly, he had the moral highground here.

“I don’t know what to do,” you admitted, at length.

Whatever you’re doing, stop it.

“It’s not that simple.”

Well, not now, it isn’t. Oh lord. You haven’t slept with him have you?

“No, not yet.”

DON’T SAY NOT YET. BECAUSE THAT IMPLIES THERE WILL BE A YET.

You violently hoped that the guard couldn’t speak droid. The conversation on your part was hopefully reasonably ambiguous, but if they could eavesdrop on the whole thing…

Barney sighed and rolled over to you. His beeps were softer now, and if he had been human he would have had a hand on your back.

Look. Whatever this thing is, it’s not going to last, you know that?

You bit your lip. “Yeah.”

So just… don’t get in too deep. We are still going to escape this place when we have a chance?

“Yeah.”

Please don’t let yourself get hurt.

“Yeah. No. Whatever the answer is to that.”

Barney sighed. Go get some work done.

You dropped a kiss on Barney’s shiny new dome and stood up.

“I’d like to go back now,” you said to the Stormtrooper. They nodded and walked you into the elevator.

Barney stared at you as the doors closed.

I hope you know what you’re doing, girl.

His words followed you as the lift ascended. You took in a breath. There were things that had to get sorted.

“Take me to see Kylo Ren,” you said. The Stormtrooper tensed.

“Erm…”

“He’ll want to see me.” Probably.

So that was how you found yourself in a wing of the Starkiller that you had never been in before. Still as formal as the corridors before, but the doors were further apart, so you could only guess that the rooms behind them were bigger. The Stormtrooper hesitated before they buzzed on the intercom.

“Sir. There’s… the hacker wants to see you.”

A silence that lasted for eternity, before:

“Let her in and then leave.”

The Stromtrooper turned on their tail and almost ran away as the doors slid open.

They were his chambers, clearly. There was a lot of black. It was all very simple, elegant. Minimal. There was a great open window though, looking out across the frozen surface the faux-planet had acquired. He was looking out of it. He wasn’t wearing his helmet.

“I’ve just been to see Barnabus,” you announce, at length. He turned slightly to look at you, and his profile against all the white of the snow outside is near sinful. “Was it you who had him refurbished?”

“Was he to your satisfaction?”

“Answer my question first.”

A pause, considering.

“Yes.”

“And yes. He was very much to his satisfaction, as well.”

You noticed that Ren had called Barnabus he for the first time. You hoped it was a fluke. You very carefully made your way further into the room, treading so gingerly it was as if the floor were made of glass. You took in a deep breath.

“What will you do with me? Once I’ve gotten into the Republic. Will you kill me?”

The way he turned to you was like you’d slapped him.

“No.”

“Then what?” you could feel your voice rising, a panic building in you as these strange feelings you had clashed with a mind that knew wherever this line of questioning was going was a bad idea.

“You would stay.”

“Here? In those cells?”

“We would… move you.”

“And you’ve decided all this without me, have you? You won’t even ask me? Now I’m here I’m your puppet? Is that is, Ren?” you were nearly shouting now, and you could feel your breathing hitch. You weren’t going to cry. You weren’t. He didn’t seem to know how to react as he carefully approached you. He was so tall. You hated the way he looked down at you. And you loved it.

His jaw clenched and his gaze fell to the floor. It was like he wanted to say something that he couldn’t quite get out.

“Would… would you stay? Here?”

All the foundations your conversation with Barnabus had made for you crumbled, along with your resolve. What was out there for you, really? All you could think about, all you could fixate on, was what was here, now, what was in this room, who was standing in front of you, looking you in the eyes, a feeling you both shared which neither of you could quite understand.

You didn’t answer.

Instead you went up to him and took his face in your hands and his skin was so, so soft. You went on your tiptoes and gently guided his lips down to yours, and you kissed him.

Barney’s words echo. I hope you know what you’re doing, girl.  

Chapter Text

For a moment it was like Kylo Ren had frozen. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting that. As your lips pressed against his you were concerned that he was going to push you away.

You shouldn’t have been worried.

You felt his strong hands settle on your hips, carefully, as if they were unsure they were allowed to be there, and he dipped his head to deepen your kiss. Despite his initial hesitation his mouth was firm on yours and when you parted your lips a little he caught your bottom lip between his teeth – just lightly, just enough for you to have to choke back a little noise of pleasure.

You ran your hands through his hair – so soft, god damn – and even though your wrists were still shackled together you barely noticed as you found himself backing you against the glass wall that looked out over the snow.

Ren pressed you back against the window and pulled your hips closer against him. It was like he was trying to get you as near to him as he could, as if he was afraid if he let go you would disappear. You felt his tongue dip into your mouth experimentally, and you opened your lips to return it, and –

“Sir, we’ve had news. Our sensors have picked up a –” the voice trailed off.

And then he was away from you, still close, but no longer touching. You looked up into his face. It was the angriest you had ever seen it. A balled fist slammed into the window next to you in pure rage.

What. Is. It. Hux,” his voice was so low.

“… they’ve picked up a rebel fleet in our area. We believe it wise to track them. Your presence it wanted.”

He spun around and crossed the room so quickly you could have blinked and missed it. He was towering over a sly-looking man with ginger hair, also dressed all in black. Ren looked like he was about to rip his face off. They stared at each other for an impossible long time before Ren turned back to you, picking up his helmet.

“I’ll be back when I can. Stay here.”

You were about to open your mouth and make a retort, when he added, as an afterthought:

“Or go back to your quarters. Whatever is your choice.”

And then he left after the ginger-haired man, putting on his helmet as he went.

You were all alone in his chambers.

There was little point in going back. You’d not be able to get any work done with the taste of that kiss still on your lips. Damn, you couldn’t remember the last time you had had a kiss so good. You looked around the room, wondering what you could do. There was a bookcase which rose all the way to the ceiling. You perused the titles and found one that didn’t look too bleak, sat down awkwardly on his bed and started to read.

It was quite interesting. It was mostly about the Galactic Empire, but it was extremely fascinating, reading about all the military tactics used by Darth Vader. Even if they did seem to mostly consist of destroying planets.

At some point you wondered why you were confining yourself to such a tiny slice of the bed when it was massive, and you probably wouldn’t have a chance to abuse it again, so you found yourself starfishing out. It was as comfortable as your previous bunk had felt after all that time sleeping in a chair. Enjoying the feeling, you found yourself nodding off. It was a habit you must shake yourself of.

You were awakened by a female voice.

“Hacker.”

You blinked, blearily wondering if you were dreaming. But no, there was a Stormtrooper in front of you, dressed in a silver uniform, a blaster in hand.

“Wazzit?” you asked sleepily, sitting up.

“Kylo Ren has told me to inform you he will be delayed significantly longer than expected. At least a couple of days.”

You felt your face drop. Oh.

“Stand up.”

It had been a few days since anyone had bossed you around like that, but you were too groggy to answer back, so you did.

The Stormtrooper was tall. Taller maybe than Kylo. They – she? – looked you up and down.

“Are you Resistance?”

“What?”

“Are you with the Resistance? Answer me,” her blaster was pointed at you, suddenly, its muzzle under your chin. You tried not to panic.

“No! Of course not!” Remember that bit where you shot my unaffiliated ship out of the sky? You wanted to add, but bit your tongue, knowing a bullet to the skull would give you a bit more than a nasty headache.

“Then what is your plan whilst being here?”

“I don’t have a plan. I’m making this up as I go along.”

You could feel her search your eyes from under her mask, but very slowly she lowered her weapon. You let out a deep breath you didn’t know you were holding in.

“What is your affiliation with Kylo Ren?”

Did her voice seem gentler, or was it just you?

“I don’t know. I’m making that up as I go along too,” you took in a deep breath, “look, you don’t trust me. And that’s fair. I wouldn’t trust me either. But I’m not going to try and stab anyone in the face or anything. I’m just… well, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Your shoulders slouched as that sank in. Oh lord you didn’t know what you were doing.

“Let me make this clear. Ren doesn’t concern me. I care about my troops. If you endanger them I will snap your neck without a second thought.”

It was terrifying but you shrugged.

“That’s fair. I won’t endanger your troops, then.”

The Stormtrooper let out a tiny sigh, almost inaudible.

“Then we have an understanding. I am going to escort you back to your chambers.”

You didn’t say anything to the Stormtrooper in silver, but she didn’t walk behind you like the others did, shoving a blaster into your back. She walked next to you. You felt, you didn’t know.

Like an equal.

Chapter Text

Your fingers flew over the keyboard, taps of buttons and keys almost indistinguishable from each other. The screen filled up with long trains of script. The only break in your concentration was when your right hand reached out to bring up a forkful of food up to your mouth. You weren’t sure how long it had been since you had blinked. You should probably get round to that at some point.

It was a while before you became aware of the silver Stormtrooper from yesterday at your door. You got to a place where you could break and turned round to her, ignoring the throbbing of your eyes from looking at the console for too long.

“How can I help?” you asked, pleasantly.

The Stormtrooper seemed to jump a bit at your sudden interaction but recovered quickly, straightening herself back up.

“I came to see how everything was,” was her response. You took a couple more bites of food and talked as you chewed.

“Yeah, ‘salright. Hopefully within a day I’ll be done,” you replied, trying not to think about what that would mean when Kylo Ren returned. “Unless they’ve caught onto me. I hope not, it’s a big system and I look roughly the equivalent of a speck of grime on a monitor to them. We should be fine unless someone is deliberately looking for me. Which I hope they aren’t. Because they hate me.”

Though she had treated you well yesterday, you were still making sure to be wary around this new Stormtrooper. She honestly seemed far more likely to kill you out of the blue than Ren. You didn’t want to give her any ideas that you were working with the Republic which you most certainly weren’t. This did, however, leave you prone to long instances of babbling.

“You used to work for the Republic. Why don’t you anymore?”

Some food got stuck in your throat and you tried not to cough it up onto her armour. God, if you weren’t already awkward enough in front of her. When you regained yourself after a long drink, you brought round a chair for her. She looked at it as if it was a time bomb. What was it with this place and people not sitting?

“It’s just a chair. I figured you’d be more comfortable not standing.”

She sat down after a moment of difficult eye contact. You held your bowl up to your lips to drain it and then kept typing.

“Me and the Republic never really got on. I had an internship there for a couple of years when I was younger and then, I don’t know, I just never left. It was a good place to get money together. But then a year passed. And another year. And then I’d been there for seven and I hated it and I hated the way it was run. The Republic was, I don’t know, it was started up to be a good thing. But you see the kind of snakes who work their way up the ranks until they’re in charge, and everyone else seems too incompetent to stop them… it stopped being a place I wanted to be. And then it became something I detested. And I’ve always been good with computers, ever since I was a child and taught myself how to cycle more credits into my savings account. So I just decided one day I wanted to even the playing field a little. So I hacked into their higher-up computers one night and got all the dirt I could on them and then me and Barney hightailed it out of there. That was… six, seven months ago? And here I am.” You finished your little speech without even looking at her.

There was a silence which you tried to fill with the clacking of keys.

“Some would call you a traitor,” was her eventual reply. It wasn’t accusing, it was a consideration.

“And some would call me a hero. It all depends on where you stand.” It was awfully tiring talking about your past.

“Which do you think you are?”

Ah. You tried not to dwell on that too much. You weren’t quite sure why you had turned against the Republic to be honest. You weren’t even sure if it was particularly the right thing to do. Who were you to think of morals when you were helping the First Order?

You had just done it because you had wanted to. And it had been fantastic.

And now it seemed you were staying on the Starkiller base because you wanted to.

“I don’t know if I’m either. I think I’m just someone with a ship and a droid – well, just a droid now – who happens to be very good at hacking. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

Another silence. More typing.

“You’re very honest. That’s admirable.”

That was one of the first out-and-out kind things that had been said to you in this place and you weren’t quite sure how to handle it. You turned to the Stormtrooper and your mouth hung open for a bit, unsure of what words it should use. Luckily the First Order had a wonderful way of getting you out of conversations too.

“Hacker, Kylo Ren has –” a plain-uniformed Stormtrooper walked into your room and froze when they saw your guest, before straightening their back and giving a salute.

“Captain Phasma. I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”

“What did you come here to say?” asked the woman, standing up. Her armour gleamed with the reflection of all the little lights from your console, and it dawned on you just how wonderfully tall she was.

“Captain?” was the word that you chose to choke out. They both looked at you.

“Yes. Now give your message, WB-1214,” she had the voice of a captain. Damn. You were suddenly a lot more terrified. Because not only could this woman kill you whenever she felt like, but she probably wouldn’t be punished for it and, oh Lord as the cherry on top, you’d just been making chit-chat with her. Idle chit-chat where if you said the wrong thing her blaster and your brain would have had a very fleeting affair. You might have been a spectacular hacker but you were awful at reading people.

“K-Kylo Ren wishes to speak to you.”

“He’s back?” you managed, not looking at Phasma.

“No, h-he has contacted us via holo-projector. I am to bring you r-right away.”

“Ah… Yeah, sure, just let me…” you stood up and wiped crumbs off yourself – why did all the spare clothes they had given you have to be black, they were so hard to upkeep – and followed the trembling Stormtrooper our your door. Phasma watched you go. You didn’t make eye contact.

You kept running over the fact that you had tried to, well, tried to make a friend with a Stormtrooper Captain as the guard half-led half-prodded you up the hall, along yet another corridor that you hadn’t seen before. Lord you had a way of picking them.

“In there,” came the Stormtrooper’s voice, still shaken. He gestured at a door. You sighed and opened the door.

“Thanks kid,” you said half-heartedly as you walked in, trying to put everything aside to have a half-normal conversation with Kylo Ren.

A half-normal conversation with a guy that you were sort of interested in but was also basically the pinnacle of the First Order AKA the Dark Side Fan Club.

Urgh.

The whole room seemed to be a holo-projection. The actual space on Starkiller base was probably just a black box, but the whole of the room that Ren was in had been projected into it. He was looking at something that you couldn’t see as you walked in. His helmet was off.

“Hello,” you said, gently. He turned to look at you. His face was hard to read through the distortion of a hologram, but you think he was pleased to see you.

“I thought you weren’t coming.”

You were tired of tiptoeing around people on this damn base, so you couldn’t be bothered to speak anything but your mind.

“Yes, well, I was being visited by that Captain Phasma of yours. Charming woman, didn’t mention she was basically in charge of the damn army,” you snapped back, leaning against a wall.

“She’s the highest ranking officer without myself of Hux there. She was only meant to make sure that you were comfortable.”

“By checking up on me like I’m a child?” you spat back. His jaw clenched.

By making sure you had the best at your disposal.”

The two of you didn’t say anything to each other for a while, before you let out a breath that you hadn’t realised you had been holding.

“I didn’t come here to start a fight,” you didn’t look at him, “I’m… I’m sorry. I suppose. What did you want to talk to me about?”

He came a little closer, like you were some kind of animal who would either run away or attack him.

“I wanted to say I’ll be returning tomorrow. You should meet me when I land.”

Should I now,” you muttered. Ren took in a deep breath. It was clearly not his forte to not command things.

“You could come and meet me when I land. I would… like you to do that,” was the sentence he settled on. You nodded.

“Alright. Well. I’ll tell Phasma.”

You looked up into his eyes. You wish he had been there, real, in the flesh, not just some flickers of light who knew how many miles away.

“I’ve… I’ve been thinking about you,” he said it almost like it was a secret. You couldn’t help but smile at how unsure he sounded.

“Oh?”

“I was thinking about how you tasted on my lips when I had you against that window.”

You hoped holograms didn’t show blushing because your face went bright red. You hadn’t been counting on him saying that. In that gravelly, low voice of his… it was, well, pretty hot. He clearly saw what he said had an impact on you.

“And I would like to continue what we started when I return.”

Holy shit. Something stirred in the base of your stomach.

“Yeah. That sounds… yeah,” was your diplomatic reply. His hand went up to your cheek but touched nothing. He looked almost mournful when, wherever he was, his fingers passed through your hologram. But it didn’t last long.

“I have to go. I will see you when I return.”

“I… yeah. Okay, bye.”

You were left with one last lingering look as the hologram switched off.

Chapter Text

They were all trying not to look at you, you could tell.

In the hangar of the Starkiller Base there were a few Stormtroopers around waiting for Kylo Ren to return, probably to bring anything he had on his ship after him. There was Captain Phasma, standing steely at your side, her blaster gripped in confident hands.

And then there was you with your messy hair and tired eyes and clothes that didn’t really fit you standing in the middle of it all. The fact that you still had the damn shackles on didn’t make anything any better. Most of the Stormtroopers seemed to be trying to scope you out in the most subtle way possible, not out and out staring, but less discrete than they could have been. You didn’t blame them really. It was likely they had no idea who you were.

You scuffed the toe of your shoe on the floor. You decided not to ask Phasma when Ren would be back – you had asked her five minutes ago and didn’t want to sound like some kind of irritating child. Phasma had actually been pretty decent to you. It was just so easy to forget that she was a Captain. You knew that you weren’t the easiest person to get along with, but over the last couple of days it seemed she had actually tried. When she had visited you that morning and you had asked to be there to greet Ren, she hadn’t questioned it, just made the arrangements. And then she sat with you as you ate breakfast, not having any herself, and though the smalltalk was a bit forced, she was trying.

The ship approached and you could feel your heartbeat in your throat. When it landed and the hatch opened you felt your pulse damn near stop.

He walked out first, his black cape flowing around him as if he had taken some of the black sky itself and sewn it together. Wow, that was poetic, you thought to yourself, not quite sure what had come over you. Ren scanned the floor, still wearing that damn mask, so you couldn’t tell his reaction when he noticed you were there. His gaze did remain on you, though. You felt yourself redden again and gave possibly the most awkward little wave in the history of existence. Then you realised perhaps it wasn’t the most professional thing to do to the person who was essentially the leader of the Dark Side and dropped your hand awkwardly.

“Sir,” said Phasma from next to you, saluting, “how went the operation?”

“Successfully,” Ren replied shortly, being impossibly fucking tall as he came towards the two of you. It didn’t seem like he was going to give any more information than that so Phasma didn’t ask, but she did say:

“I believe that Supreme Leader Snoke is asking for you.”

Ren’s hand went to his lightsaber and gripped the hilt. You rather hoped he wasn’t going to attack anyone. He turned to you, slightly.

“I need to attend to this. If you would… accompany me. I will try not to take too long.”

You looked to Phasma and back to Ren – honestly, what was it with tall people and their helmets in this place? – and nodded.

So that was how you found yourself hurrying to keep up with Ren’s ridiculously large strides as you made your way to a part of the base which you were unfamiliar with. That general was still with you – Hux, if you remembered his name right. But it was the most alone the two of you had been for a while and he didn’t say a word when his leader slowed down enough to walk next to you. The silence seemed to get even louder when Ren’s hand tentatively went to the small of your back, a surprisingly tender gesture. You weren’t quite sure whether to return it or not, but while you were deliberating the idea of reciprocating the touch, you arrived at where he needed to be.

“Wait here,” Ren said, and if you didn’t know better, you would say that there was something uneasy in his voice. Something akin to fear. Noting this, you didn’t correct him on his ordering you.

Kylo Ren and Hux entered the room, the door sliding open and shut to accommodate them. You couldn’t see much in the room beyond and so you were left just sort of… standing there.

Hm.

You went back to scuffing your shoe on the floor. This wasn’t quite what you expected your reunion to go like. You weren’t sure what it was meant to go like, but you did hope that there would be less waiting around. You wanted to know what it was that was so important to, well, make him not pay attention to you, especially after what he said last night.

It only took you about ten seconds to get bored.

You looked up and down the corridor. It was empty.

And there was a tiny, tiny crack in the door.

So, throwing caution to the wind, you pressed your eye up against it and tried to see inside.

The gap was only very small so it was difficult to see what was going on. As for what they were saying, you had literally no idea. All you knew was that Ren and Hux werefacing a gargantuan figure. Clearly a hologram from the way that his image would flicker every now and then, but terrifying nonetheless. His face was twisted and cruel, scarred on one side. You didn’t want to look at him, but you couldn’t look away either.

The conversation finished almost as quickly as it had started and you sprang away as the two men inside made their way to exit. You leant against a wall, trying to act nonchalant.

“-get it done,” Ren finished whatever he was saying. Hux gave a curt not and scuttled off, not looking at you.

Finally the two of you were alone, and yet now, you didn’t know what to say to each other.

“How was your… mission?” you asked.

“It was… fine. What needed to be done was done. How was your time here?”

“Yes, it was okay. I should be done with everything by tomorrow. If I have the time.”

You realised how that sounded and went to correct yourself, flustered, but before you could do anything, he had gently but forcefully pushed you against the wall. A hand ghosted the outline of your jaw like the action he had been unable to take when you had talked over holoprojector. Your breath hitched.

“Wait… stop,” you managed, and he did. Of course he did. He wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want him to, you were reasonably sure.

“I can’t… I don’t know what this is between us, but... I want to set down some ground rules. Before anything happens. First of all, please take off that damn mask.”

He did. He was as gorgeous as ever. Being able to look into his eyes made it easier.

“I get to be moved into some rooms where the doors aren’t guarded. I get free range of the base. And I get these off,” you said, gesturing to the shackles that were so constant they had almost become a part of you for a moment. He was unreadable. You wish Barney had been there for moral support, though given your last sentence, he would have probably just chipped in a “I don’t do that until the third date.”

“You’ll run away,” he replied. You snorted.

“You’re going to have to trust that I won’t, Ren. I haven’t tried to escape yet. There must be a reason I want to stay.”

He considered it. Then, before you knew it, his hands were round your restraints, and they clattered to the floor. You rubbed your wrists. They were sore and red, but constant shackles will do that. It just felt nice to have them freed. You kept going.

“Also. I want to learn how to fight. I want to learn how to defend myself. You’re in a war and I don’t want to have to rely on people to protect me all the time. I want to know if I’m ever in a position where I’m cornered I’ll be able to get myself out of it.”

“That… seems fair,” he didn’t look pleased though. You gingerly moved closer to him.

“And one more thing. You never, ever use the Force on me. Ever. Otherwise all trust between us is gone. Is that fair?”

You were sure he was going to fight you. But he didn’t. He just gave another nod, but this one so small it was barely there.

You put a hand on either side of his face and kissed him, everything moving impossibly fast and impossibly slow at the same time. His mouth was soft and unsure on yours, but when you tugged on his hair a little he seemed to get more confident, moving so his tongue could just gently brush against yours. You didn’t let the kiss go on for too long, though – you wouldn’t, not in this corridor anyway.

“Now. I believe there was something about continuing what we started.”

Chapter Text

The two of you didn’t touch as you followed Ren down the passage to his quarters. You barely looked at each other either. It was as if everything was in a state of dreaming, and any acknowledgement of the person you were with would shatter it. So instead you kept up your pace to match his, thinking only of what was to come.

This all felt like it was going too fast. You knew Barney would be pissed at you and nag about your bad taste in men. The thing was you couldn’t believe that this… this person Ren presented to everyone could be anything more than a façade. Surely he couldn’t be pure evil. You couldn’t quite explain it, and perhaps it was just foolish hope, but you were reasonably sure you wouldn’t fuck a man who was totally evil.

But at the same time if he was totally evil, you thought, stealing a glance up to Ren’s strong profile – that long nose, those dark eyes, that set jaw – you couldn’t really find yourself giving a shit. You were inexplicably drawn to this man, this mysterious man who you had only known for a handful of days. You had never felt like this before. You had never ached to touch someone before.

You reached the rooms. Ren allowed you in, and as you made your way into the centre, you heard the doors swoosh and click behind you, sealing your privacy.

No curtains were drawn over those vast windows. You supposed they didn’t really need them. Outside looked freezing as the snow fell down, and Kylo’s room didn’t overlook any other part of Starkiller Base. You were alone.

The reality of what was happening dawned on you when you felt Ren’s arms wrap around your waist as he nuzzled your ear through your hair. Your breath hitched. One ungloved hand ghosted up your body to caress your neck. He barely touched your breast, though – it was as if he didn’t quite feel he had permission for that yet. When his fingers traced your lips you parted them and took one in your mouth. You heard him give out a tiny sigh of pleasure, so quiet it almost wasn’t there.

You turned to him, and his pupils were blown wide with lust. He looked at you with such solemnity you almost laughed. Did he always have to look so serious all the time? You smiled as you cupped his face, running your hands over those fucking delicious cheekbones, and went up onto your tiptoes to press a kiss to his mouth.

“It’s just you and me,” you whispered to him, pulling back just enough so that you could lock your eyes with his dark ones. “You can let me in.”

You weren’t quite sure why you had said what you said but it certainly had an effect, and before you knew it Ren was kissing you with a passionate urgency. His lips worked against yours and when you parted them his tongue slipped into your mouth. You hummed into the kiss, and, finding yourself to be enjoying this new roughness, grabbed two firm handfuls of his hair. Another tiny sound, this time a gasp, and he deepened your kiss even further, a hand on either side of your hips to pull you close to him.

You walked him backwards towards the bed and pretty much fell on top of it, wrapping your arms around him to hold him back as tightly as he held you. His mouth moved from yours to kiss along your jaw and neck, tender, open-lipped things, with just a tinge of teeth. You sighed and, thinking he probably wasn’t going to do it himself, grabbed his hand and brought it up to your left breast. He hesitated with his kisses for a moment before going back with twice the fervour, his long fingers cupping you, a thumb flicking over an erect nipple even from under all those layers.

Then you decided to make things interesting.

You grabbed his wrists and flung him over so he was lying down and straddled him.

He looked so surprised you found yourself, for the second time that night, wanting to laugh again. But then you noticed how laboured his breathing had become and the hardness that had appeared under you. You grinned a wicked grin and gave an experimental grind. Ren shut his eyes and clenched his jaw, choking back a noise of pleasure.

“You’re allowed to enjoy yourself, you know,” you whispered, huskily, a hand trailing through his curls, “you don’t have to be quiet.”

He nodded, still not quite sure, and pulled you back down towards him. You resisted, instead choosing to throw off your shirt over your head, and tugging at his tunic for him to do the same. Ren paused, and the way he looked into your eyes made your heart skip a beat. He seemed so…unsure. You reached down to press a kiss to his lips, gentle but firm, before pulling it off for him.

He was so thin. No, perhaps that wasn’t quite the right word. There was certainly an element of slimness to him but his whole body was covered in tight muscles.  It was fucking gorgeous. You run your hands over his chest and smiled when he didn’t supress that low little noise of ecstasy. Damn, you could get used to that baritone. You wondered if he’d ever been touched like this before. That wasn’t something that you were going to ask, though, so instead you figured you would try to make him a bit more comfortable.

You slid off the bed to your knees. Ren lifted himself up to look at you, the look in his dark eyes almost confused, but you pushed him back down onto his back with one hand. With the other you fiddled with the waistband of his trousers. Ren was about to say something but promptly stopped when you brought out his cock – ridiculously fucking hard and long and gorgeous – and wrapped your lips around it.

Ahhh…” you heard him moan from above you, and you were spurred on. You took the whole of him into your mouth, tonguing the slit at the head of his cock, and revelling in the little noises that he was making. You felt his hand come down to you and his long fingers wrap in your hair, not to make you go any faster, but as if he had to grip on to you to make sure that you were real, that this was real. You savoured the taste of him, the feel of him, and teased him with long, languid strokes of your tongue.

“W-wait,” he managed to choke out, and you brought your head up with a little pop, locking eyes with him and licking your lips with exaggerated slowness.

“I need… I need you,” he moaned. You cocked an eyebrow and didn’t move. He groaned. “Please.”

You thought back to your first meeting, and how you never would have thought that you’d speak to him like this, so teasing and so damn filthy. Honestly you were sort of loving it.

You stood up and let the rest of your clothes come off slowly. His eyes didn’t move from you, instead taking in every curve and dip of your body. For some reason you didn’t feel uneasy being naked in front of him. Usually when it came to your lovers you would wait a while before having sex totally without clothes. Then again, nothing about this entire thing was normal. So you might as well roll with it.

You returned to him and put a leg either side of his long, wonderful body, and reached your hands up to entwine your fingers with his. You looked at each other for a moment. He still looked so worried, like he thought you were going to leave, going to change your mind. You reached down and pressed a kiss to his mouth, his lips slightly parted in arousal, before pressing the head of his dick to your entrance – already fucking dripping wet – and sliding down him. You felt every inch of him as he filled you up, his cock throbbing in time to the beat of his heart.

He let out another moan, so much louder now. You sucked in your breath and let yourself adjust to the size of him before you slowly began to move. You didn’t know what was better, the feeling of him hitting that sweet spot inside you, or the look of pure bliss on his face. You lowered yourself so you could press your forehead to his and set up a steady rhythm against Ren, happy to be in charge. His hands roamed your body as if he was trying to be everywhere at once, trying to take in all of you. Eventually they decided to settle on your hips as you angled yourself against him to get some friction against your clit.

You let out another sound of pleasure and gripped onto his shoulders tightly, your nails slightly digging into him, making him hiss. A slight shift of position meant that Ren could move his hips better against you, and he began to set his own pace, pounding up into you. He grabbed onto your waist and you were sure he was going to flip you over but you shook your head at him.

“No,” you breathed, “I stay on top.”

His eyes grew wide but Ren nodded, instead letting his hands come round to palm your breasts, tweaking your nipples between his fingers and thumbs. You grunted and moved faster, barely even realising when he sat up so he could replace his hands with his mouth instead, licking and sucking on the sensitive nubs, every touch like fire. One of his hands pressed against your back to hold you close, and the other reached in between your bodies to roughly rub against your clit. You groaned and bit into his neck, not caring who would see the bruise that would blossom.

You thrust against him in this wonderful position with him so fucking there as you felt the heat pool in your stomach, telling you your orgasm was close. Your thrusts into him became more erratic as you came closer and closer.

When you came you damn near screamed. You rode out your orgasm though, and soon you felt Kylo’s follow soon after yours, his head rolling back and a moan escaping him as hot jets filled you up.

You collapsed against him, chest to chest, burying your face in the crook of his neck, still locked in that most intimate of embraces. You felt one of his hands come up and trace feather-light patterns on your back, a surprisingly tender gesture considering the way you’d just been riding his dick.

You didn’t say anything to him, but at some point you rolled off so you were next to him, and then you found yourself falling asleep. He clasped you against his chest as if, even now, he was afraid that you would disappear from him.

Chapter Text

You awoke to an empty bed. Of course you did. Kylo wasn’t the type of person to stay for morning cuddles. You hoped that it had at least been painful for him to leave you, though.

You turned over in the bed and winced. God you were sore. It had been a while since you’d had sex that vigorous. You would probably need to give it a while before your second round. If there was a second round. And he didn’t just get bored of you and throw you out an airlock or something. You hoped that wasn’t the case.

There was a knock at the door. You looked around the room. Ren was well and truly gone. Not quite sure what to do, you pulled the covers up over you so you wouldn’t flash anyone when they came in and called out a tentative “Hello?”

After a moment the door slid open. A Stormtrooper walked in, hesitating when they saw that you were clearly naked. You cleared your throat.

“How can I help?”

“Erm… ma’am… I was told to deliver this droid to you… direct orders from Kylo Ren…”

They gave a quick, awkward nod and left. In their place slowly rolled in Barney. If he was a human his walk would have been that of some kind of aggravated older brother. The door slid shut behind him and the two of you looked at each other in silence.

Well, beeped Barney, at last. You felt sort of ashamed. Barney was the only person who could make you feel that way, and he wasn’t even a person.

“There’s nothing I can say that will bring you round to the idea that I actually like him, is there?” you sighed. Barney gave the BB-5 equivalent of a disdainful sniff.

You’ve clearly made up your mind on this, so nothing I say matters.

“Oh, don’t do that!” you snapped, getting out of bed and padding round the room to find your clothes. Funnily enough you didn’t really mind being naked in front of Barney most of the time – why would you? He was your best friend and besides he was a droid – but knowing that this was Kylo Ren’s quarters, well. You found yourself moving to get dressed quicker than usual.

Do what? I’m not doing anything.

“Yes you are! You’re doing that passive-aggressive thing! It’s fucking annoying, especially when I’m really confused about this whole situation!” you near-shouted, pulling on your underwear and pants.

Oh, you’re really confused are you? Did you think you’d find the answer in his dick?

“Yes! I am confused! Because I’ve not felt this way since that scavenger on Jakku!” you finished, your voice rising to a crescendo. Perhaps the whole thing could have been quite heart-wrenching if you hadn’t have thrown your bra at Barney as you spoke out of anger.

Barney went quiet, ignoring the article of clothing on him.

Really? He said, at length.

“Yes,” you admitted, flopping back down on the bed, sighing.

It had been a strange affair. A couple of months after you had left the Republic, you had found yourself on Jakku, buying old scavenged parts to patch up your ship. You’d met a girl there. You couldn’t quite remember her name and you weren’t sure you had ever given her yours, but those three days you had spent in that desert would stay with you forever. An instant spark, kisses under the planet’s clear, star-studded sky, races in the sand, making love in an old AT-AT walker. One night as you had held her under a thin, ragged blanket, hands clasped and fingers entwined, you had asked her to come away with you. For those hours you had truly believed you could rule the galaxy together. But she was adamant, she couldn’t leave Jakku. And you knew the longer you stayed the harder it would be to leave, so you left in the early hours of the next morning.

You had gotten over her, eventually, but it hadn’t been easy. And more amazing than that soul-transcending connection you had had, Barney had actually liked her.

Barney slowly rolled over to you. His round body gently bumped against your leg. Your bra landed on your knee.

You’re fucked, aren’t you?

“Oh, so much.” You put the item of clothing on, and then your shirt. “I’m not asking you to like this Barney. But at least accept I like him. And I think he cares about me.”

I’m not going to have to have my body painted some evil colour now you work for the Dark Side, am I?

“We should have you madeover so you look like a tiny Starkiller Base.”

Don’t even joke about that, you evil asshole.

You snorted a laugh.

“Luckily I think chrome suits you.”

There was a knock at the door for the second time that morning. You sat up.

“Come in,” you called.

The doors opened and a woman walked in. You studied her for a moment. She was tall, with short cropped blonde hair and a set jaw, but she was still quite beautiful. She was dressed in a higher ranking uniform, its black folds hugging the curves of her body. You gave a pleasant smile.

“Can I help you?”

“Hacker, I was informed by Kylo Ren you wanted training in self-defence. I was assigned to carry out the duty,” came her reply. You recognised the voice and rose to your feet.

“Oh! Captain Phasma!” you exclaimed. It looked like she had to supress a little smile at your tone. Barney looked up at you.

See, she’s hot. Couldn’t you have gone for her?

“Thank you droid, but I don’t think so,” was the Captain’s reply. You shot Barney a look and felt yourself redden.

“I’m sorry about him. He’s…” you searched for an explanation but settled with, “he’s a little turd.”

Phasma didn’t stop her smile this time and it made you happy. It gave a sense of normalcy. It was like you were just having a joke with a friend.

“Kylo Ren sends his apologies that he could not be here this morning. There was urgent business he had to attend to for Supreme Leader Snoke. He did say, though, that you have free run of the base.”

She seemed just a tiny bit incredulous at her own words, but she said them anyway.

Well, look at you go! Riding cock gets you everywhere.

“Barney!” you squeaked. You didn’t kick him. You’d done that once before and broken two toes.

Sorry! Sorry! I forgot you weren’t the only one who can understand me.

“If you’re ready, we can begin training now,” Phasma remarked. You looked to her and thought for a moment.

“There’s something I have to do first. Can I return to my… old chambers? I still need to finish hacking into the Republic for you.”

Phasma seemed quite surprised, as if she hadn’t thought about that fact, but she nodded.

And that was how you found yourself back in that damned room for what you hoped was the last time. You sat down heavily in the old chair and looked at the screens around you before cracking your knuckles. This was it. If you made this final breach, somehow, it felt more like you were giving into the Dark Side than making love to Kylo Ren had.

And yet you didn’t find yourself hesitating.

For the last time, you began to type.

Chapter Text

"Again?"

Once again you had ended up on the flat of your back, the air knocked out of you, pain shooting along your spine. You groaned. You weren't going to feel good in the morning.

Phasma towered over you, looking into your eyes, assessing if you were alright. You answered for her.

"Again."

You held up a hand which she grasped and pulled you to your feet. Yesterday, you had finished your mission, the reason that you had been here in the first place. You had hacked into the Republic. The First Order's crew had taken over your cell and had began to do... whatever it was that they planned to do once your part in the scheme was done. You hadn't seen Kylo Ren since the night when you'd, well, sucked his dick. You felt awkward going to his chambers alone so you chose to sleep in the old cell despite the hustle and bustle of computer experts coming and going.

Now it seemed you were free to do what you want. And what you wanted to do was start training.

However, what you weren't so good at actually doing was, well, putting it into practise.

You brushed yourself off and got into the stance Phasma had shown you - feet apart, fists clenched - no, not like that, like this! - and ready. The Captain did the same. She made it look so effortless. You supposed she'd been a soldier for all her life, but it was a bit disheartening compared to you.

"Ready?" Phasma asked. You nodded. You threw out a punch which she blocked before grabbing your arm and hurling you over her shoulder. You groaned as you slammed to the floor again.

It turned out you had been quite handy with a blaster. You weren't a crack-shot, but you definitely took to it better than many had, Phasma had commented. You had a steady hand and a good eye. With practise you could be a regular sharp-shooter.

But hand to hand combat could go and suck a dick.

"Again?"

"Yes."

She helped you up.

"I admire your determination, but I don't want to hurt you."

"Too late for that," you said, but not bitterly. It made Phasma smile.

"Alright, not irreparably, then. You need to stop just trying to attack me - slow down for a moment and watch my movements."

Yeah girl, slow down! beeped Barney from across the room where he was watching you. You shot him a look. He probably thought this was some kind of divine judgement for fucking with the Dark Side. Well. Fucking the Dark Side.

"You want to swap out, Barney? I'm sure the Captain here can teach you a thing or two."

Tempting offer but I'd rather roll in nerf shit than risk getting a dent in me again.

You huffed and went to get into your stance, when you heard Barney begin to beep worryingly. You looked over to him.

"Oh man. Are you on low charge?"

Yeah, looks like it - don't happen to have a droid charging station around here, do you? The last part was at Phasma. She shook her head.

"No, not for your model."

"That's alright Barn, you should still have your internal cable."

Oh god don't make me use that thing. It's so primitive.

"Well if there's no charging station and you need power then I don't see any other option," you turned to Phasma, "he's got a built in charging system from the Republic where all you have to do is hook him up to a computer and he can draw power. He hates it."

You would hate it too if someone made you nap standing up rather than letting you sleep in a king bed.

"I can try and get a station built for you," Phasma stated. Barney made a sound of relief.

Did I tell you you're my favourite person on this base?

"Barney. I'm on this base."

Yep, I know.

You rolled your eyes.

"Is there anywhere we can plug him in just for now?" you asked. Phasma thought and nodded.

"There's an office space down the hall if that will do?"

"That's perfect!" you agreed. (Perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. You saw Phasma as your friend and, much like a kid with a cool new pal, you wanted to please her.) Phasma dried her sweat-drenched face with a towel and headed towards the door, cocking her head to bring Barney with her.

"Come on, little droid," she said. And to you, "You need to take a rest. Get some water. Good job today."

"Thank you, Captain Phasma," and, to Barney: "now you be good."

Oh, you know me!

"Yes. That's why I'm telling you to be good."

Barney did his own little chuckle and the light in his eye flickered - his way of winking. They left the room.

The training space was quite big, and looked pretty ordinary, if a little empty. Lots of grey, some benches, various exercise equipment, a water fountain. You headed over to the latter feature and took a long drink, suddenly realising how thirsty you were.

"How is your training going?"

You jumped a mile at Kylo Ren's voice and spilt some water on yourself. He stood at the other doorway - when had he gotten there? - his mask in one hand. You brushed yourself off as best you could.

"Well, badly. I'll level with you."

"I'm sure that isn't true. Phasma is a good teacher. And I doubt anything she shows you beyond your grasp."

"Well, I suppose we'll see," you admitted as you slowly crossed the space towards him. You looked up into Ren's eyes. Something other than training was now on your mind.

"I've not seen you for a couple of days. I've been thinking about you," you said. His mouth ticked a little into a smile.

"I was busy. As soon as I was free I came to find you."

"Did you hear that I finished hacking? I think I deserve something for that," you voice dropped as you said it. Honestly where was this filth coming from? You weren't sure and you didn't care, seeing the immediate impact you words had on him. Eyes blown wide with arousal, Kylo shut and locked the door behind him with only a wave of his hand before gently pushing you against a wall.

That was where the gentleness ended.

You took his mouth in a rough kiss and he parted his lips to let his tongue taste you. You moaned into it, hating how wet just a kiss was getting you. Your hands went to his hair and you grabbed fistfuls of it. Ren growled low in his throat and suddenly there was far more teeth in your kissing than before. It was fucking glorious.

Suddenly his hands were on your ass and he hitched you up, positioning you so you were resting more on his hips than on the ground. This close you could feel his dick against you. You gasped as he brushed some hair away from your neck and he bit you there. It wasn't some soft thing either. It would leave a mark, and quickly.

Just like that you didn't care about your aches and pains from training any more. What your body felt most was the need to have him inside you.

"Kylo..." you whispered into his ear, and he was already undoing his belt and sorting the waistband of yours. Before you knew it he was pressed to your dripping entrance and then pushed inside of you with one swift moment. You cried out in ecstasy and, with grip like iron, wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist, holding him as close as you could. You made strangled little noises of pleasure into his shoulder as he thrust against you and you had forgotten how fucking deliciously long and hard and gorgeous he was. The angle you were in meant he could hit that sweet spot inside you and, when he came, the feeling of him spilling himself in you made you come too.

The only sounds to be heard was the echoing of your combined heavy gasps as you rode out your orgasms and then held each other, getting your strength back. Eventually you unlocked your legs from around your lover - lover, what a strange concept - and quickly buttoned up your clothes.

Kylo looked almost embarrassed as he stepped away, as if he shouldn't have let that sort of carnal pleasure wash over him. You didn't mind though. You REALLY didn't mind when the sex was so good. You went up to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek, anyway, and were surprised when his arms snaked around your waist. He held you gingerly, gently pressing his lips to your forehead.

"My Padmé," he whispered to you. You didn't know what the word meant, but you liked it. You snuggled your head into his chest.

Yes. You liked it a lot.

Chapter Text

“What’s the point of this game, remind me?” asked Phasma, after taking a long drink of water.

“There isn’t a point to it. It’s just a game. We don’t have to keep playing if you don’t want to,” you replied, trying to stretch out a sore muscle. Phasma sighed.

“No, no. We’ll continue.” She thought for a moment. “I went shopping in my star cruiser and all I bought was… some cloth from Hoth, a shoe from Naboo, some dust from Sullust, and… a… fan from Alderaan.”

“Alderaan doesn’t count, it was destroyed.”

“That was never in the rules.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. Training with Phasma had certainly eased whatever tension there was between the two of you. She was reasonably easy-going under all that, well, armour. You figured she just needed the right person to open up around, and that person had turned out to be you.

Barney had been charging for three days. It was a reasonably long time for him to power off for, but you figured he hadn’t had a proper charge since you’d arrived on the base, and he deserved it. He had put up with a lot from you. Plus, without him there, it meant you could… indulge in Kylo Ren’s company without fear of repercussions. It seemed that his quarters were yours too, now. He had given you a key-card which would allow you access to his rooms. Being allowed to come and go as you please, with free range of the base (and, most importantly, the kitchens) meant that this place was finally starting to feel like a home. It was a strange, dark home, but seeing as you had been travelling for a good half-year since you had fled the Republic, you loved it all the same.

It did help when, after a day’s training, you could come back and be with your lover. He wasn’t really much of a talker, but he was happy to just listen to you rambling about random things, telling little stories about your life. And when you let your kisses become a little bit rougher he was always happy to take you to bed. Really you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been so satisfied. Whenever you were on top of him it felt like all he wanted to do was kiss and touch you, and every brush of his fingers or lips was like electricity. In the mornings when you woke up, you found you were more often than not wound around him, gently resting against his back, your arm embracing his thin chest. His hand would always be grasping yours, like you were an anchor. It was wonderful.

You thought about the way he would whisper “my Padmé” to you made you melt. Whatever language it was you didn’t speak it, but the tenderness with which he said the word… well. It made you feel softer than you had in a long time.

But all that was by-the-by. What mattered at this second was beating Phasma at a word game. You took a cup of water she offered to you and thought.

“Alright. So, I went shopping in my star cruiser, and –”

You were cut off as Barney came speeding through the door, a cable flapping behind him. You stood up. Barney never moved fast.

“Barn, what’s –”

We need to talk. Right now.

“Of course, what’s the matter?” you asked, dropping down to his height. He looked to Phasma.

Just you.

You shot the captain an awkward look. She shrugged and got to her feet.

“I’ve got to do my rounds anyway. I’ll return in an hour or so.”

“Thank you,” you said to her, blessing her for being so understanding. Barney followed her with his eye to make sure that she was gone and then spun back round to face you.

Your boyfriend. He’s General Leia Organa’s son.

What?” you asked. You stared into the tiny light in Barney’s eye, trying to see if this was some kind of joke. It wasn’t. Your heart skipped a beat.

Your gal pal hooked me up to a main system to charge. And I decided to do a bit of digging in their database because I’m, you know, me. And I got into all these personal files and… he’s an Organa.

Your legs gave way and you sat on the ground with a heavy thump. You felt sick. God. This complicated things. General Leia Organa, perhaps the most important woman in the galaxy, was the mother of your lover. She was the one leading the Resistance. She was the one Kylo Ren was fighting against. Which also meant…

Oh god.

His grandfather was Darth Vader.

Okay, don’t panic, it’ll be fine.

“Will it? How is any of this fine? This isn’t just light and dark, Barney! This is family.” That wasn’t your strong suit anyway. You thought back to your home planet, and how you and your family had decided to break off all ties to each other, given that nothing good had ever come of you being around them. But this? This was a whole different level. What could someone have done to drive their mother be at war with them? How could somebody whose family was so wholly associated with good end up as the figurehead of the Dark Side?

What could Ren have done that could have been so terrible?

And what else had be been hiding from you?

You got shakily to your feet.

Don’t do anything brash, now –

“I need to find him,” you managed, gritting your teeth. “I need… I need to…”

You abandoned your sentence there. Instead, you found yourself walking towards the door and leaving the room, your unsteady legs becoming steely with determination as you sought out Kylo Ren to have a much needed talk.

It didn’t take you long. You had cornered a Stormtrooper and hissed your question at them. You’d probably made them piss themselves. You would have to apologise later, but there were more important matters to be dealing with.

He was on the bridge, with that fucking General Hux again. That damn mask was on. The officers working there tried their best to ignore you as you strode towards him. Hux noticed you first, that sour look on his face not changing.

“Ren,” you managed. He turned to you, and you could imagine the surprise on his hidden face.

“Ren, we need to talk.”

“He’s busy at the moment,” Hux stated, with a tone that could only be described as bitchy. Credit where credit’s due, you didn’t punch him in the face.

“It. Is. Important,” you replied. Ren seemed to consider it for a moment, until he gave his answer to Hux.

“Send out the fleet. I will return when this is settled.”

You led the way, not turning to look back at him until you were in the deserted corridor, far from anyone hearing you. Then you exploded.

“You’re Leia Organa’s son?!” you near-screeched at him, not wasting time. His whole body stiffened.

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t think that was maybe something you should have mentioned to me? That your mother is the leader of the Resistance?!”

“It wasn’t important.”

“Wasn’t it?!”

“No!” he was raising his voice now. It would have been terrifying with the distortion of voice his mask gave, but Kylo Ren didn’t scare you anymore. “Her son is dead, and Kylo Ren rose from his ashes! And he is stronger than any child of Organa’s ever could have been!”

“But you still hid it from me! Why?!”

Because I knew this was how you would react!”

“What did you do, Ren? What did you do to become this… this… Dark Side puppet?!” You spat out the words.

He didn’t answer. But before you knew it, his lightsaber was out, and then there was a flaming hole being ripped in a wall. He stood before is, body heaving. Your rage still ebbed and flowed inside you, but you were also trying to bite back tears. This wasn’t how you had expected this to go.

You wanted to say something. You did. But you would either scream or start crying, and neither of those seemed like good options. So instead you just turned on your heel and walked away from him as fast as you could.

Chapter Text

The bathroom was steamed up. It was the thing that you liked best about Kylo Ren’s quarters, you thought, bitterly. The bath was huge and you loved nothing more than to fill it almost to the brim and let the water warm you, especially after all that time in a cell with a shower that, rather than washing you, seemed to just cry on you about its inability to clean people. In essence, usually this bathroom was a place to relax.

After your argument with Ren, though, there was an anger in you which you had to let out. It had been almost scalding when you got in, but it made you feel better. Vigorously you’d washed yourself and let the tears fall and get lost in amongst the water. Then, when you felt clean, and your fury had melted away, you used every lotion that was in the room until there was a blanket of foamy bubbles surrounding you.

You leant against the side of the tub and sighed. Barney watched you. He’d followed you since you’d stormed away from Ren, but he’d let you bathe in silence for the last half-hour.

A silence which he now broke.

Why can’t you ever trust an ewok to pick up the bar tab?

You sighed.

Go on, you love this one. Why can’t you ever trust an ewok to pick up the bar tab?

“Because they’re always short,” you replied, and it did make you smile. “Barney, you should get out of here. You know that the steam always messes up your circuits.”

Nah, I can handle it. I think this new body upgrade made me more waterproof. Maybe.

“Well, maybe we shouldn’t test it,” you replied, gently, but didn’t press it. You lathered some suds between your hands and blew a bubble into the air. You watched it merrily float along and got lost watching it for a bit, enjoying the way it shimmered with its own tiny self-contained rainbow.

There was a hesitant knock on the bathroom door.

The bubble burst.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Barney glance at you. Steam was gathering over the glass of his eye.

“Yes?” you asked.

Ren’s voice was just as tentative as his knocking.

“I’m going to come in,” he stated. You submerged yourself further into the suds and readied yourself.

“Do whatever,” you replied. The door to the bathroom carefully opened and Ren walked in. He wasn’t dressed in all of his usual robes. Instead of that tunic he often donned, he was in a simple black shirt. It was low cut enough that you could see where the nape of his neck met his collarbones. It was quite hot. You hoped your blush would be mistaken for the flush the heat of the water gave you.

You stared at each other for a moment. Neither of you said anything. Barney was once again the one to break the silence.

Do you remember, all that time back, when I said I’d head-butt him in the dick? I’ll still do it.

You supressed your smile. You were still angry at Ren.

“That’s fine, Barn,” you said.

“Barnabus. Would mind giving us a minute. Alone. Please,” the words sounded extremely uncomfortable coming out of Ren’s mouth, but it was actually the first time that he had talked to Barney, as far as you could recall. And he not only looked at your droid but called him by name.

Barney looked at you for confirmation. You shrugged and nodded.

You’re still an asshole, he beeped at Kylo. Barney went to roll out the room, accidentally run into the doorway instead because of his steamed over vision, regained himself, and left successfully.

Then it was just the two of you.

You went back to lathering your hair. You weren’t going to be the one to speak first.

He cleared his throat, opened his mouth, shut it again. Then just as you were about to dunk your head back underwater, he finally spoke.

“I… apologise,” it sounded even more unnatural than when he had spoken to Barney. He had your attention and you waited for him to continue. The words didn’t come easy to him.

“I should not have acted the way I did. It was… unworthy of me. If there is anything that you want to know of me, from now on, if you ask, I shall respond with the truth. I hope this is acceptable.”

You almost laughed at the solemnity of the words, but you were quite touched. The Ren you knew a couple of weeks ago wouldn’t have acted this way.  

You sat up and held a hand out to him, gesturing him towards you when he looked reluctant to take it. You guided him to perch on the edge of the bath, and you leant against the rim of the tub, resting your chin on your crossed arms to look up at him. He did look genuinely repentant. He had dropped his gaze to look at his clasped hands in his lap. You studied the profile of his face. The pout of his lips, his darkness of his eyelashes.

“The temptation to pull you in is overwhelming,” you stated. He looked at you with mild horror and you burst out laughing.

“Don’t worry. I promise you’re safe,” you replied. “Hand me that towel.”

He did as was instructed, and you stood up to take it from him, the droplets of water falling from your body which still had tiny suds clinging to it. He watched you dry yourself, something in his eyes bordering on ravenous. You didn’t mind. It made you feel pretty sexy, honestly. You pulled the plug on the bath and then put on a robe that you had brought in with you – black, of course, before turning to your lover. He took a step towards you and you felt his warm breath on the nape of your neck.

“Come with me. I want to show you something,” he said, lowly.

“I don’t do that sort of thing until the third date,” you said, but there was no Barney around to appreciate you, so you regretted saying it almost immediately. You nodded to make up for it and you felt Ren take your hand and lead you out the room.

Barney wasn’t there anymore. You didn’t know where he had gone, but it was probably for the best. It was likely that you would end up having sex and even with Barney on low power mode it still made you feel a bit awkward.

Ren’s quarters were vast. You didn’t quite realise how big they were. You had never had much desire to explore any further than the bedroom and the bathroom, so, despite the black aesthetic that was ever-present on Starkiller Base, you still couldn’t help but be kind of in awe. He led you down a corridor you had never seen before, and you arrived at a small, sparsely decorated room.

In fact ‘sparsely decorated’ was probably over-complimenting it. There was a chair and a stand. And on the stand was a helmet.

You’d read enough books to know whose it was.

“Fucking hell,” you whispered, walking up to it. It was old, damaged both by fire and age, but there was no mistaking Darth Vader’s mask.

“It isn’t easy. Sometimes I forget who I am. Who I am meant to be,” Ren said from behind you. You felt him press against you, wrapping his arms around your waist, looking at the helmet from over your shoulder.  “This… this reminds me. It reminds me how weak I was when I was still… still their son. Working with the Republic, letting chaos reign. With the Dark Side there’s order. Discipline. I can put the galaxy back into its right state. That’s why Snoke chose me. It’s my destiny.”

You nodded. You thought you understood. It was strange logic but you could see its appeal.

“And Snoke… Snoke is the one who called you to the Dark Side?” you felt him nod. You stood there for a moment, serenely, until he started to nuzzle into your neck.

“My Padmé,” you heard him whisper.

“What does that mean?”

A pause.

“It was the name of my grandfather’s wife.”

You took in a deep breath and steadied yourself. There was no use letting yourself be angry again.

“Don’t call me that. Not anymore. I’m not your Padmé. I’m yours, but I’m me.

He considered it, and when he whispered your name into your hair your knees went weak. When he kissed you you melted into his arms.

But in the back of your mind you held onto one thought.

You were going to have a talk with Snoke.

Chapter Text

It didn’t take you long to find your way back to the bedroom. Kylo’s mouth was hot on yours, insistent, and you were glad to indulge it. His hands reached under your robe and he felt the softness of your skin against his fingertips, savouring the sensation. When he run them over your nipples with no warning you squeaked. You felt him smile against you and it was quite lovely.

He practically threw you on the bed and planted a leg either side of you, his body pressing down heavily on yours, just the right, gorgeous amount of pressure. He bit your bottom lip, gently at first, and then with more intent. You bit back, tracing your tongue against his. His hips moved against you, instinctively, and you could feel how hard he was. You loved this power you had over him.

A hand went to the belt of your robe and pulled it undone with one languid hand movement. Your bare body was exposed to the cold air of the room, making your nipples hard and your skin come over gooseflesh. Now with your bareness entirely at his disposal, your lover began to kiss and nip and suck every inch of you he could get to, trailing down your neck, along your chest – his tongue stopping to flick over each nipple – then down past your stomach towards the meeting of your legs.

He pressed his face between your thighs and breathed you in, keeping your gazes locked as he did so. Even at something so simple you felt yourself grow even wetter. His nose, that beautiful, long nose, pressed against you and you felt his warm breath on your sweet spot. When his tongue came out to taste you you mewled. He was encouraged by your reaction and began to use longer, rougher strokes. The pleasure washed over you in waves and it was wonderful.

His movements were hard to predict – you supposed he was enjoying the reactions he was eliciting from you. His tongue would circle your clit, gentle, tickling even, and then it would be pressed into your entrance, pushing into you, making you scream. You didn’t know how long had gone by, all you knew was this fucking indescribable pleasure that was washing over you, but he pulled back and whispered, “you taste so fucking delicious,” before he returned to your sweet spot. His voice was so low, lower than you had ever heard it, and when you looked down his eyes were still locked on your face, and you could imagine the filthy smirk that he was hiding past your hips.

Using the flat of his tongue he began to concentrate solely on your clit, working it relentlessly with his mouth. You cried out for him to stop, feeling your orgasm coming, and not wanting it to happen yet, not just yet. But he ignored your pleas and kept going, and the pressure built, and when he told you “come for me,” it pushed you over the edge.

You cried and rode out your orgasm on his face, seeing stars in the blackness of your scrunched eyelids. Your breathing was hot and heavy and you opened your eyes to see Kylo wiping you off of his mouth. His eyes were still blown wide, his dick still hard. You grabbed his arm and pulled him down, flipping him over as you did. Your body was still foggy from your release but you weren’t ready to stop yet. With determined hands you pretty much ripped Kylo’s cock free from his clothes and gave it a couple of strokes, watching a bead of come pool on the head. His head was thrown back in ecstasy, and you reached down to tongue the slit a little, enjoying his little moans. Before he could ask for any more you had mounted him, and let his length slide deliciously into your body, filling you up wonderfully, your cunt trembling at the feeling. You wasted no time in pushing his shoulders down and riding him with heavy, forceful thrusts, feeling the friction on your clit as you pressed against him.

“Ah, ah…” he stuttered, and at the exposure of his long neck arched in that way, you gave in to instinct and bit him. He cried out under you and when you moved away a bruise had already began to form, and you run your own tongue across it. A hand went to either side of his hips and you grabbed hold, hissing in his ear.

“I fucking adore you like this, Kylo Ren,” you hissed, sitting up, letting his cock almost slide out of you, and then slamming yourself back down. That was enough to send him over the edge. He was the loudest you had ever heard him be as he came into you, shooting thick jets of hot come inside of you.

You collapsed against each other. All you could do was lay there for a moment, relishing the feeling of each other’s sweat-soaked skin. You rolled off him, but his arms trailed after you, refusing to let you go. You held him against you, letting him rest his head against your breasts, and you run your fingers through his hair. Soon, his gentle breathing let you know that he was asleep.

You wanted to stay and just hold him. You truly did. There was something so intimate about watching your lover sleep. His face was so calm, so relaxed, the most relaxed you’d seen him since you had come to this Base.

But there were things you had to do.

Very, very carefully you moved your arms away from him, and let him lay down in his bed. You pressed a kiss to his forehead and covered him with a blanket before opening one of the draws that held your clothes and quietly getting dressed.

You gave him one last glance as you left the room. His hand was still outstretched to you, wanting. But you had things to do.

You could remember the way to the room where he had talked to Snoke, you thought. The Base was big but you had a reasonable memory when you had already been to a place. So you made your way along the corridors, giving curt and awkward nods to the Stormtroopers and officers you passed, trying to look official. Luckily for you the room was empty, and unguarded. You figured the idea of Snoke being there was enough to deter most people anyway. You took in a deep breath and steadied yourself. You could do this.

You opened the door and walked into the room. It was gargantuan. You hadn’t quite realised the size of the place before, but now… now you were beginning to feel a bit scared. You tried to put the thought out of your head.

There was a control panel in the middle of the room. You went towards it and explored it, trying to work out what buttons would do what you needed them to do.

You needn’t have bothered.

Who are you?”

You nearly jumped out your skin. You looked up to the huge hologram hovering over you. That face was even more terrifying than it had been from afar, and now that its gaze was fixed on you, well. You were only one step away from pissing yourself.

“I’m the hacker,” you replied, simply. Snoke’s face was unreadable.

I’ve not heard tell of you. What are you doing on this base, girl?”

“Girl? I’m not a girl,” you heard yourself snap. Snoke’s eyes narrowed at you. It was the first reaction he had had since you had entered the room.

And who gave you permission to address me?”

“Nobody gave me permission. I’m here…” why were you here? You were so sure of what you had wanted to say as you were coming down, but now you were here, in front of him…

“I’m here because I want you to leave Kylo Ren alone.”

He made a rusty noise that you could only presume was a laugh. It was worse than scorn. That you would say something with such gravity and he would just laugh at you.

“Leave, girl. You’ve no place here.”

“I do! I’m a valued member of this Base! I hacked into the Republic for your little operation and I deserve some respect, even from you, you… wrinkled old ballsack!”

That wasn’t particularly elegant but it did the job. He stopped laughing. Now his face was venomous.

“I don’t know who you think you are, hacker, but you will leave this Base. Now.”

“No! I’m not leaving! I came here as a prisoner but I’m damn well staying out of my own free will! I’m staying here for Kylo Ren, and you’re going to stop dripping poison in his ear!”

If looks could kill, Supreme Leader Snoke would have knocked you dead. It must have been a strange sight, the tiny woman squaring up to a fifty-foot hologram. Luckily you didn’t have much time to think about it. Another person entered the room.

“What are you doing in here?!”

You turned to see General Hux in the doorway, face like a stormcloud. Your fury returned, you went to leave the room, not wanting to see either of them, not having the energy for this.

Then everything happened very quickly.

The Stormtrooper appeared in the doorway and fired a blaster into your stomach.

Hux’s face turned from anger into a look of genuine shock.

You heard screams and tried to see the source of them before realising they were coming from you.

Pain shot through your body.

You hit the ground. It all went black.  

Chapter Text

There were noises. Beepings. Really strange. Everything was swimmy. You opened your eyes and it hurt because of how light it all was. With a groan you closed them again. You felt all sicky.

You heard someone say your name with urgency. You wanted a little sleepy though.

Someone grabbed your hand and your eyelids parted again, sticky-like, like when you had too much sleep in them and it stuck together. You giggled, it was from out of nowhere and you weren’t quite sure why you had. Where were you? It was very white and shiny and clean. Probably a hospital place maybe? You had a vague memory of being shot or something. Whatever it was it had been super painful.

Next to you, in between all the beepy monitors you realised had wires leading to your body, dressed in black, as ever, was Kylo. His eyes were all big and scared and he was gripping your hand really, really tightly. He said your name again and his hand went to your face.

“Are you alright?!” he asked, gently, but with firmness.

“Me? I’m fiiine,” you said, waving you hand around and accidentally upsetting a tray of medical equipment. You weren’t quite in control of your body. It wasn’t really doing what you wanted it to do. Your voice was coming out all thick and heavy. “Everything feels super floaty though.”

“Sir,” you heard the medical attendant whisper, “she is on a huge amount of painkillers after the operation. I feel she will not be speaking… well, as herself.”

Kylo gave as close to a nod as he would for the people under him and then returned so he was holding your hand. Was it your hand? You twitched your fingers experimentally and giggled again.

“Do you remember what happened?” his voice was careful, steady.

You shook your head and chuckled again at everything being so blurry.

“You took a laser to the stomach. There was an assassin. From the Republic. I don’t know how they got in. I don’t know how they found you but they hurt you. But they’re gone now. Painfully.” Even in your half-awake state you could see Kylo was getting visibly upset, clenching his jaw, grinding his teeth.

“Don’t be worried. I’m fine,” you said, trying to give him a reassuring pat on the arm, but what came out was probably more like a clumsy slap.

“It was my fault. I should have been protecting you. I should have been making sure you were safe!” he was getting angry at himself.

“Stop it! I hate it when you get mad, I hate it,” you muttered. To his credit, you felt him relax a hand you hadn’t realised was clenched. He was trying to calm down. “You couldn’t have known about them, Kylo.”

“If I…” Kylo cast his eyes to the other person in the room, the medical officer, who was very much busying themselves doing anything else. “If I had lost you I don’t know what I would have done.”

“Really?” you were suddenly getting teary-eyed. You didn’t know why.

“If you were gone I’d tear this galaxy apart to get you back. I’d fight the Force itself,” he whispered, bringing your fingers to his mouth and planting a firm kiss on them. He kept them close to his lips.

“Don’t do that! Don’t attack the Force! You’d lose, Kylo Ren. I love you but you’d lose.” Hm, there was no brain to mouth filter either, but you didn’t care.

He froze and looked up at you, his eyes deep pools of chocolate. Hm, you were quite hungry.

“You love me?”

“I don’t know! Yes, probably. I think so. I’ve not felt this way about anyone in a long long long time. Not so powerfully. Not with so much of me,” you babbled. He stared at you with a look hard to describe.

“I…”

But he didn’t have time to continue, because suddenly you had new visitors. The doors to the room flew open and Barney sped into the room, past a pair of surprised Stormtroopers stationed at the door.

BARNEY! I love you!” you began to sob. Barney reached out one of his metallic arms towards you hidden inside his dome and grabbed your hand, knocking Kylo’s aside.

Are you alright? I was charging I only heard when I turned back on!

“Why does everyone keep worrying? I’m fine!” you thought about the new charging station that had been built for Barney in your old quarters and smiled.

You were SHOT.

“Oh yeah,” you giggled. You picked up the blankets that were thrown over you to look at your stomach. There was a lot of new dressing over it. It hurt. You frowned and gently probed it while Barney and Kylo talked. There were about eighty thousand emotions surging through you and you weren’t quite sure how to deal with any of them, so instead you found it easier just to concentrate on how much prodding it took to make your injury hurt.

How long have you been with her?

Barney seemed to have forgotten Kylo couldn't understand him, when -

“Seven, eight hours. When I heard she was attacked I came straight here. I’ve not left her.”

Barney looked a little bit surprised at Kylo for answering.

…Thank you.

“You would have done the same.”

Yes. But I didn’t know you would.

“Don’t do that,” came the voice of the medical assistant, moving your hand away from where you kept poking your wound. You smiled at them. As you gained yet another visitor.

“Phasma! I love you as well,” you said, reaching out your free hand to the Captain, clad in her silver uniform. You could imagine the look of uncertainty beneath her helmet as she took it, awkwardly.

“Erm, thank you,” was her reply. “I just came to see how you were doing. Sir,” her last word was directed at Ren and she tried to straighten her posture in respect, but it was hard to do with you clinging on her arm. Ren waved his hand.

“She’s better. There was a while when… when I thought she wasn’t going to wake up.”

Nah, our girl’s strong. Remind me to tell you the story of that one time when we were on Tatooine…

Nooo Barney!” you wailed. Burying your face in your hands. Everything was getting all sleepy again. “And don’t call me girl. Snoke did and I think I called him a ballsack. I'm surprised it wasn't him who tried to kill me, actually.”

You were too far gone to see the look of absolute horror that Ren and Phasma exchanged, despite her mask.

You’ll always be my girl, girl, was Barney’s firm reply. Your eyes were getting heavy. A final visitor came into the room.

“Hux! I don’t love you but that’s because I don’t think you like me,” you stated at the sour-faced ginger man. He didn’t really respond to that part.

“Hacker. I hope you are recovering sufficiently. Ren, Snoke wants you. Urgently.”

No,” you whined, grabbing Kylo’s hand and holding onto it. You’d be quite embarrassed at yourself later for acting like such a child but, for now, after the medical assistant had just refilled a bag of something dripping straight into your vein, you could feel yourself drifting off again and you didn’t really care. All you wanted was for your lover to stay right by your side.

“I’ll be back when you wake,” he said, and there was a promise in his words. You nodded and let your head hit the pillow, letting ethereal dreams take you. You felt a gentle kiss press onto your forehead, a tender thing, and the soft tickle of Kylo Ren’s hair against your face. It made you give one last light giggle before you drifted off.

You had started to snore, but you couldn’t have possibly known that.

Chapter Text

The second time you came round everything ached. It felt like someone had taken a jackhammer to your skull. You brought your hands up to your eyes and pressed your palms into the sockets, hoping that the pressure would help relieve the pain. Your arms felt strangely heavy, and it was only when you managed to open your eyes again you noticed how many IVs were attached to your body. Your skin was bruised, probably from the application and re-application of needles into your veins to keep you alive and monitored.

You blinked and tried to focus your vision from all the bright lights blinding you. You weren’t quite sure what was going on. You pushed yourself to remember. The last thing you could clearly remember was getting eaten out by your lover. Which was pleasant, but not the memory that you felt was entirely relevant as to why you were now in some kind of hospital ward. You mentally tried to retrace your steps… you’d left him there, sleeping… oh lord. You’d gone to Snoke… there had been a blaster…

Your breath hitched. You grabbed the covers that were laid gently over you and threw them off onto the floor, searching under a white medical gown. Across your stomach were bandages. A lot of them. And not just a small section, either. From under your breasts to your hips you were covered in dressing.

You began to panic. What was going on? What was happening? You heard mechanical beeps begin to speed up as you tried to sit up properly, ignoring the sting that the needles in your arms gave.

Suddenly, you were in someone’s arms. Your head was clamped to a chest, a sturdy, solid thing, with long and gentle fingers smoothing your hair. The other hand gripped your own, which you hadn’t realised had gripped onto your bandages. Someone was saying your name in a beautiful, low baritone.

“You’re fine. You’re fine.”

You allowed yourself to be held for a little while longer as the world went from being blurry to its usual sharpness. You felt yourself calm and heard it in your monitors. A quick scan of the room revealed it was a bit untidy – it had probably been well-used over the past couple of days. There was a chair, pulled close to your bed. Kylo’s cloak was thrown over the back of it. It was a strange sight to see – like how you might rest your coat when reading a book as Barney charged back on your ship.

It was him that was holding you, of course. Kylo Ren. You vaguely recalled asking him to be there when you woke up, but you didn’t think he actually would be. But he was. And it was wonderful.

It was such a strange gesture, him holding you like this. Him being so soothing. To anyone outside, it might have seemed like you were just a normal couple. You knew that in a moment you would have to come back to reality, so you let yourself just be near him, just listening to the gentle thump of his heart.

He took your face in his hands, so soft and large and steady, and looked at you.

“How do you feel?”

There was such concern in his voice you almost started crying, and you weren’t sure why.

“Achey. What happened? I only remember getting shot.” The words sounded so strange, as if it wasn’t actually something that had happened to you.

“There was an assassin from the Republic sent to kill you. But they didn’t. You’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness for a few days.”

“I… oh,” things were coming back to you. “Oh god. I called Snoke a…” you trailed off. You were mortified at yourself. You didn’t regret it exactly. But it did make things… awkward at the very least.

“He wants me dead, doesn’t he?” you asked, stoically. Your lover released his grip on you and sat back down. He looked… reluctant.

“Just tell me, Kylo. He wouldn’t be the only person in my life to want to kill me.”

He gave a tiny, stiff nod.

“Yes. It was his first order after you told me… after you came to the first time,” was the sentence he settled on.

What had you told him, you wondered? It couldn’t have been anything important. Besides, the fact that the most evil man in the galaxy wanted you dead was probably a little more pressing. You laid back into your pillows. Wow, you had fucked up.

“I don’t know what came over me. I was just so… angry,” you whispered, because you had been. It was an anger you hadn’t felt before, or at least never so intensely. It had been a white-hot flame inside you, a drive to protect this most precious person to you from people who would do him harm. Or Sith lords who would do him harm. Sith lords like Snoke.

“I’ll… I’ll sort this out, Kylo,” you said, trying to get out of bed. The machines made loud noises of complaint. He pushed you back down.

“No. You will stay here and rest.” His statement was firm. His eyes were so passionate, for the first time since your arrival on this base you felt yourself submitting to him. Mostly because you were still sort of knackered. You sighed and nodded before taking one of his hands and kissing the palm. He gathered his cloak and rose to his feet.

“Phasma will be on her way. I have to go and look over one of Hux’s reports. If I see your droid, I’ll send him this way.”

You nodded again before another memory suddenly bubbled its way to the top of your mind.

“Wait… you were talking to Barney, weren’t you? You can’t talk to droids!” You thought perhaps you had dreamt it, but his answer was quite plain:

“I grew up around droids. Of course I can understand them. You just assumed I couldn’t.”

Your mouth fell agape, just a little. A look of horror had never appeared on anyone so strongly. This was it. The assassin got you bad but the embarrassment would finish you off. You threw the blanket over your face, as if hiding from Kylo Ren would make it all not true.

Oh no,” you whined, internally kicking yourself. You heard a noise that was probably as close to a chuckle as Ren could get. It must have been a strange little scene – once again, you could have just been any other couple, gently teasing each other.

“Don’t laugh at me, I was almost killed,” you grumbled. You would have turned away from him too but the pain in your side was still persistent. You felt a kiss be placed on your covered forehead before the sounds of the doors swishing open and closed filled the room.

After you felt the humiliation radiate off of you, you finally brought down the cover and sighed. What else hadn’t you remembered from when you woke up before? You hoped you didn’t say something you’d regret. You didn’t have time to mull on it though as you soon got another visitor. Phasma was in her armour again, and had something under her arm.

“Ah, I’m glad to see you can hold yourself upright,” she said, with what you felt was genuine concern for you in her voice. You smiled at her as she sat in the place where Kylo had been and showed you what she had brought.

“Is that… holochess?” you asked, unable to keep the glee from your speech. You hadn’t played a game of holochess since your ship blew up, taking the board with it. You loved a good match.

“You like holochess?”

“Lord yes! I used to play it all the time with Barney, but he’d always win because he’d map out all the possible winning moves with his droid-brain. Phasma you have made my day,” you said, wincing only a little bit as you moved. Phasma went to set up the board, but you felt yourself suddenly still her hand with your own. Her helmet moved to look at you, puzzled.

“Phasma, I need you to do something for me.”

“Hm. I feel like this will be something Kylo Ren has specifically told you not to do.”

“No. Well, sort of. Well, he told me to stay here but I want to go somewhere else.”

Phasma let out a long, long sigh, as one might give a child.  You tried to explain.

“Look, I know it sounds dodgy, but I actually want to help. If you can just get me to my old chambers I can write a programme which will make everything better. Phasma, look, you need to trust me on this one. I want to make things right.”

She was coming round to the idea. You played your trump card. “I promise it will help keep your troops safe.”

You squeezed her hand and did your biggest pleading eyes. Phasma shook her head and stood up. You thought it was one of denial, but you were quite wrong. It was one of giving in.

“You make sure this is done so quickly, hacker.”

And before you knew it you were gently removing the drips from your skin and being bustled into a wheelchair, and Phasma was practically running along the corridors she was pushing you so quickly. Clearly the Force was with you, because you didn’t run into a single person. At least not anyone who didn’t seem terrified of Phasma, anyway. That was basically a failsafe.

Your old cell was crowded from where the First Order’s crew had taken over from your hacking. It was awkward to get your wheelchair up to the desk, and even more awkward to ignore the pain that was flaring in your side. But you needed to do this.

You had been thinking about a programme like this for a while. Or, at least, something similar. But in execution it was entirely new. Your fingers sped over the keys as you worked your way through even more layers of Republic security – so much easier to infiltrate now their first wall was down – and, on another screen, brought up the First Order’s database. Phasma was keeping watch outside, so she didn’t see what you were doing. It was probably for the best – you didn’t know how she would react. But with steady strokes you added a new piece of important data to both the Republic’s system and the feed from General Hux’s reports straight to Snoke (lord hope the man didn’t find out about it).

It didn’t need to be long, it just needed to seem legitimate. You took in a deep breath and wrote one line of script:

The hacker is dead.

A few more clicks and those four words would hopefully not only save your skin but Kylo Ren’s too, and any Stormtroopers who happened to accidentally find themselves in the way of a rogue assassin’s gun. With a sigh of relief you turned to Phasma.

“We can go,” you said, and she wasted no time in getting you out of there and back into your hospital room. The medical officer there looked unsettled as you were brought back in but, seeing as you were with Phasma, they said nothing and promptly went to busy themselves in the supplies cupboard.

“Phasma, thank you. I swear I actually love you,” you whispered, more out of relief than anything, your mouth running away.

“You’re welcome. Just don’t go starting all that again.”

You froze. You had a terrible suspicion you should be remembering something.

“Starting what again?”

“Your confessions of love. I think you might have frightened Hux less if you had out-and-out just threatened him.”

Oh no.

Oh, no.

You remembered it.

You remembered, in your half-dozing state, telling Kylo Ren you loved him. You remembered the look on his face when you had said the words.

And now, you felt… you felt strangely calm.

Why was that?

Your heart skipped a beat.

Oh no.

It was because you meant it.

It was because you think that you’ve fallen in love with Kylo Ren.

Chapter Text

You were so, so good the next couple of days. You felt, somehow, that after going against Kylo’s wishes with such reckless abandon, just knuckling down and trying to get better should help get your karma back in whack. So you sat in your hospital bed, as boring as it was, and waited for the hole that had been blasted in the side of your stomach to get better.

It took time. It was slow, or it at least felt it. You’d always been a restless soul. Even when you were working at the Republic for so long, whenever you had a free day, you’d be on an interstellar bus and off for a few hours with Barney, sometimes even when you had no idea where you were going – just anywhere for an adventure. Being confined to a bed was agony for you.

You couldn’t imagine how terrible it would be getting a wound this bad when you were still with the Republic though. The First Order had medicine that worked wonders. It seemed lightyears ahead of what you had back on your home planet. You thought you could actually feel it working, feel whatever they were dripping into you knitting your muscle and skin back together. In fact, you had had your bandages removed a couple of days ago, and now it was mostly just a salve that they were applying to you to keep everything healing. Well, a salve and one last IV, but nothing was perfect.

But even the fastest acting medicine still made time crawl on.

Phasma visited you as often as she could, but she still had duties to do. You didn’t want her to spend all of her free time just looking after you – well, in a childish sort of way, you did, but it wasn’t practical – but a good hour or so of holochess with the Captain alleviated the boredom a little.

Phasma was a strong ally and an even better friend to have in this damn place. The day after you had written in your code to Starkiller’s systems, you had casually mentioned “oh, by the way, if Snoke asks, I am definitely dead” as you had gone to take her queen. Phasma hadn’t stifled her sigh, but her only real reply had been a move of her knight and a quiet “checkmate.”

She was probably one of the best damn friends you had made in a long, long time.

Barney was with you for quite a bit of each day, too, but he was always off somewhere and he wouldn’t tell you where. You didn’t push it. Considering you were sure Kylo trusted him a lot less than he trusted you, you figured Barney was having a close enough eye kept on him to make sure he wasn’t getting into any trouble.

Ah. Kylo. There were only so many times you could pretend to be asleep when he came to visit you. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to talk to him – you did, you really did – but you just hadn’t quite sorted out how you felt about it all just yet. You had never been particularly good with honest admissions of feelings, especially towards the person that they were actually meant for. You found your mouth getting dry and you would scramble to make jokes to make the whole thing less awkward for yourself, but really end up making it worse. Honestly you had so much time as you recovered you would have thought you would have made up your mind about how you felt for him, but all that thinking time just made you over think, and everything ended up ten times worse than before. It was like you were trying to comb out a tangle from your hair using a stick of half-chewed gum.

You would have to deal with it at some point, though. That was inevitable. But you were damn good at procrastinating.

“Alright,” you said, turning to Barney who had managed to hop up onto your bed with you, “I went shopping in my star cruiser and all I bought was a hat from Anoat, a flan from Korriban, a plant from Coruscant, a bra from D’Qar, and… a fan from Alderaan.”

Alderaan doesn’t count! It was destroyed!

“Ah, but that was never in the rules, was it?” you asked. You could imagine Barney narrowing his eyes at you if he was a human.

Fine. I’ll let you have that one, but only because you’re in hospital.

You silently thanked Phasma.

I went shopping in my star cruiser and all I bought was –

“You’re doing well.”

You jumped. How the hell hadn’t you noticed Kylo at the door? And he looked so damn pleased with himself, leaning against the doorframe like that. You’d have to fuck that smile off of him later. That thought then in turn led to you thinking about that thing you had said to him, and that made you freak out internally.

“Oh, am I? You should have seen us on that trip from Corellia, we had a rally of about thirty then…” it clicked. “Ah, you meant the hole in my body. Not the word game.”

He had started to smile more since you had come to the Base, or at least you liked to think it. His mouth quirked up at the side either way and he came closer to you. He didn’t sit on the bed, but then again you were sure that Barney had very slowly rolled to take up most of the free space on it since his appearance.

“At least you’re keeping entertained.”

“Not really. How long have I been in this room? It feels like three years.”

“It’s been a week. At least since you came round properly.”

Huh, damn. You really had a bad sense of the passage of time.

“Well, either way, I want to get up and move Kylo! Sitting here is just exasperating!”

Thanks babe.

“Oh shut your circuits. You spent the majority of today complaining about how you were getting dirt on your new body paint from the floor.”

Barney did his sniff and lowered himself to the floor with a loud clang as one of his metal arms suctioned itself to the ceiling.

A droid knows when he’s not wanted. I’ll leave you two be.

He started to roll away and you, in turn, rolled your eyes.

“I love you, Barn!” you shouted after him, not picking your words carefully. Very deliberately you avoided Kylo’s eyes after your statement.

I know.

For a moment it was just the two of you, before the addition came of that rather unfortunate medical attendant who seemed to be your head nurse. Kylo reached out to take your hand and you didn’t argue against it.

“Look. Please let me out of here. If only for a bit,” you near-begged. You did your pleading eyes and you could see his resolve crumble under your stare.

“Sir,” the medical assistant’s voice cracked, “her recovery has been going along well. If she wishes to go for a walk then that is entirely possible.”

You shot Kylo a grin as you took in their words. Walking would make you feel like a human again. They had let you change out of that vile hospital gown back into the plain black robes that the First Order seemed so fond of a day after removing your bandages, but further than the bathroom you hadn’t really moved. You practically jumped to your feet, then regretted it when you felt a sharp stab of pain in your side, reminding you of your past actions. But Kylo caught you, because of course he did.

“Be careful!” squeaked the assistant, wincing for you. Your lover shot them a look to imply that he had control of the situation and let you use his arm to straighten yourself up. He was so strong, so there. You pretty much clung to him as you slowly made your way out of the room for the first time in a painful seven days.

And, whilst there was no doubting your happiness, you knew that being alone with Kylo meant you would have to talk about what you had said.

You gripped his arm tighter. This was either going to go incredibly badly, or incredibly well. Either way you were quite sure that your life wasn’t ever going to be the same.

Chapter Text

You had quite a high pain threshold, you would say. You’d once had full-blown food poisoning and passed it off as just a bit of a stomach ache, and you’d ignored it until you collapsed in the corridor as you were transporting some files. So walking along next to your lover was not an impossible task if you just gritted your teeth and got on with it. Stepping on your left leg was a bit uncomfortable because it was towards your left side that the blaster had really got, but luckily Kylo was there to be a human walking-stick. It felt more like he was carrying you most of the way actually, but he knew how proud you were so even if he was he’d never admit it.

You weren’t sure where he was taking you and you didn’t ask – it took a lot of effort to concentrate on moving your legs again, having been out of action for so long.

It was worth it though.

If the view from Kylo’s bedroom windows made your heart skip a beat, this was a full-blown cardiac arrest.

There was no reason for a room like this on Starkiller base, and yet here it was. The place was probably a hundred feet long, and all of one side of it was a window, and the only furniture there was a solitary bench in the middle of the room. There was a gentle curve to the window-wall and you could see for what seemed like miles. It was snow, of course, but it was untouched by human footprints, and so it was crisp, and clean. The sun was setting and the sky streaked brilliant shades of orange which sewed themselves into pink and red. They glittered off the white ground. It was ethereal.

Fuck,” was the only thing you could think to say that summed up your feelings. You found yourself letting go of Kylo Ren’s arm and hobbling your own way towards the glass wall. You put your hands on the smooth pane to keep yourself upright once you got there, taking in every colour that the horizon had to offer you. There were very few things you missed about being on a planet’s surface for too long, but the beauty of a sunset was definitely one of them.

“You’re perfect,” Kylo Ren whispered, and he was suddenly so close to you, and his arms were round your waist and you could feel that wonderful nose of his nuzzling into the nape of your neck. You couldn’t hold back the little noise of contentment that came out of you. Your hands went to his own and you held them, and you noticed how lightly he was touching the left side of you, and it made you smile.

“I’m not made of glass, Kylo,” you muttered to him, bringing up his fingers to your mouth so you could plant a kiss on them.

“No, but you were hurt. Badly,” you felt his hand tighten into a fist under your own and you kissed it again and again until he relaxed.

“I’m just… angry at myself. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I shouldn’t have put you in danger.”

“We’ve been over this, it wasn’t your fault! You couldn’t have known. So stop worrying about it, my love.”

Hm, once again perhaps a bad choice of words. You stiffened under his embrace. There was silence for a moment, and then Kylo’s hands came up to your shoulders, and he very gently turned you round. You were wrong, the sky wasn’t the most beautiful thing, his eyes were. They were so deep and rich and, lord, just… the way you felt when he looked at you with such intensity. The orange of the sunset glinted off them just slightly, and it should have looked terrifying, but you thought it just made them look warm.

“I…” he started, and then stopped. Seeing as he appeared to have to announce, and you didn’t know what you should say, you remained silent.

“This whole galaxy is chaotic. And it is my job to put it in line. And I can do it alone. But I don’t… I don’t want to,” he considered his next words carefully, “It’s been a long time since I wanted anything. Or at least wanted anything that I couldn’t… just… take. But when the Dark Side restores order to this all, I want you to be with me as I do it. And then I want you to rule by my side. With or without Snoke’s consent.” He reached his lips to your neck and laid a gentle kiss on your pulse, even though his last sentence had seemed to unsure. Your breathing hitched. You felt your hands ball against his chest as his mouth traced down you neck. He whispered your name in that low baritone.

“Will you do that for me?” his tongue came out and touched your collarbone. You shivered. “Will you?” And then, so low that it went right down your spine, “Please.

You put a hand either side of his face and brought him back up to meet your gaze.

“I love you,” you said, and you didn’t even think about it, the words just came out of your mouth. And it felt right. And it felt true. And you were sure his face softened when you said it to him. He kissed you full on the mouth – it was a warm, caring thing, not like the kisses of hot passion you so often shared.

“And I love you,” he replied, and kissed you again.

Two months ago you couldn’t have ever imagined being in this situation – being a First Order sympathiser, let alone being an asset to them. But now here you were, safe and comfortable in the arms of the man you loved who was the King piece of this whole damn Base.

Your kiss deepened and your arms came to rest around his shoulders. Kylo’s hand went to your leg and hitched it up, trying to get closer to you. A sharp jab of pain run up your left side and you screeched in pain. He almost jumped off you, his eyes wide and terrified.

“Sorry, sorry… it’s my…” you gestured to your wound. Your lover clenched his jaw and looked away from you, and you could tell by now that he was angry at himself again. But instead of starting to rage, he fell to his knees in front of you, and his hands very gently began to slide under your uniform.

“Kylo, I –” he lifted up the edge of shirt that his your scars, because that was what they were now. Horrible deep red things that mauled the side of your body. You had never been particularly vain, but there was no denying that the blaster had taken a chunk out of your flesh. Any symmetry your torso had was lost. And it would always be a reminder of the fact that someone had tried to kill you. You didn’t particularly want him to see and punish himself for it again.

But instead of saying anything, Kylo gently pressed his lips to them.

It took you aback. Your arms were frozen in place, but when he kissed you again softly, your hands went into his hair and held him there as he worshipped you with his mouth. He was never too rough, and you could really feel how gentle he was forcing himself to be. Your head rolled back and you hummed in pleasure, and that hum became more of a moan as he made his way down to your pelvis. His quick, long hands made short work of the buttons there, and soon you were just standing in your underwear, and you were already soaking through it.

Kylo clutched your right hip and left thigh and brought his face to you. You felt his nose press against your clit as he took in a deep breath of you. There was a shudder in his voice as he exhaled.

“Can I?” he whispered, holding the sides of your panties. You could only nod as he pulled them down, barely moving his face as he did, as if he was determined to remain near you. He pushed up into your cunt, those beautiful lips parting as his tongue coming out to lick a slow stripe along you. Your breath hitched as he revelled in your reaction, his strokes strong and steady, making you fucking tremble.

“Kylo…” you panted, “love… I think my legs might give out…”

And suddenly you were in his arms and he carried you over to that bench and laid you down gently on your back, like you were some blushing virgin bride. Hah, what an image. He didn’t take long to continue his work with his mouth, and he caught your hands, interlacing your fingers with his own. You tried to control the pleasure you were feeling as you pressed down into his knuckles. Using the tip of his tongue he worked your clit and you threw your head back and cried out, but you managed to get enough breath to speak.

“I want… you inside me… as I come…”

He looked at you, mouth covered in you, wiping the bottom of his face with his hand. He looked uncertain.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” you whispered, reaching for him, and he leant into your touch, letting you guide his mouth up to yours. You could taste yourself on his lips as his tongue slipped against yours and it was fucking wonderful. You tugged off his tunic, leaving him bare-chested, and ran your hands along the broadness of his muscles. They were yours. All yours. You watched him reach down and fiddle with his belt, careful not to accidentally rub against your wound. You felt the head of his cock at your entrance, already so wet and ready for him.

“Tell me to stop if I hurt you,” he whispered, gently pushing inside of you. It was agonisingly slow, but you knew he wasn’t doing it to be a tease. He was doing it because he cared about you.

Because he loved you.

Fuck. He loved you.

When he was fully inside you he planted an arm either side of you, meaning that your bodies were not touching further up than your hips, so there was no risk of friction on your side. He took his time and when he began to move, not thrusting his hips up into you – like you allowed him to when you let him have his way from under you – but gently rolling into you, buried deep. The movements of his hips were almost planned out by the look on his face. He was clearly enjoying the feeling of you, but he was doing his best not to hurt you at the same time. Either way, his cock felt amazing, especially the way he would pull back so the head was almost out and then push himself back into you again, so hot and hard.

You gasped as Kylo repositioned himself a little around you so he could hit that sweet spot inside of you. His movements became a little faster, nothing drastic, but just enough to drive up the pleasure you felt. You grabbed his arms and tried to pull him down onto you, but he stayed strong.

“No, let me,” he said, gently but forcefully. You found yourself letting go. Usually you preferred to be the one in control, but there was something quite sexy about this all. He kept his hips in place and gently arched over you to place a quick kiss on your neck before he went back to his pace. Every movement was ecstasy and you could only close your eyes and let the waves of feeling roll over you. One of those clever fingers of his was suddenly at your clit, and he worked the nub in time with his cock, and your pleasure was a rhythm. When you felt him release himself inside of you, the feeling of hot come filling you up was enough to drive you over the edge and you cried out, not in pain but in joy. The first thing Kylo said once you opened your eyes was “Are you alright, my love?”

You reached up and stroked his face. You felt like you were going to cry.

“I’m wonderful.”

Chapter Text

Time passes, as time does.

Love can be a very strange thing.  And so was the Dark Side. It was never a place where you thought that romance could blossom. But here you were, at Kylo Ren’s side as the First Order performed its righteous duty.

You had your own position now, and your own headquarters on Starkiller Base. You were in charge of a small group of the brightest technological minds that the First Order had enlisted. You wrote the programmes for the Base and you destroyed the ones that the Resistance or the Republic put up. And you were good at it. You could never have imagined that you would have been an important part of such a big operation. Such an important one.

It had been two months since you had told Kylo Ren you loved him, and things were, well, good. Better than good really. He treated you like a queen when you were alone and as a valued, respected equal when you were on duty. You had a First Order issued black uniform now, and you looked damn fine. It was a black tunic with a belt cinching it in at the waist, and a pencil skirt that hugged your figure very closely. You’d had your hair cut as well – it was shorter, more professional. And someone had clearly got an order of makeup in, so now you could finally do up your face before you went to work.

There was a deep purple lipstick that was your favourite. You felt like you could take down an army when you wore it. And you loved the marks that it left on Kylo Ren when you bit his neck, almost the same colour as the bruises your teeth gave him on that angelic, pale skin of his.

You woke up to the sound of an alarm and, bringing up the holoscreen, turned it off. You had originally made great use of the “snooze” feature that you had written into it so you could spend more time with Kylo, but now you were getting into a routine you found it easier to get out of bed. Still, you rolled over, bunching up the black sheets, to where your lover lay prostrate on the bed. His eyelashes gently fluttering as he hovered between sleep and waking.

You reached over and laid the gentlest kiss on his lips, and then one on his wrist – still red from where you had secured him to the bedframe last night as he had begged for your cunt. You smiled to yourself.

Showering was always a brisk affair, even if you did love the steam that hot water brought up around you. Then it was into uniform, a quick grab of breakfast, and off to your office.

Your crew all stood up to greet you as you walked into the office. They were all dressed in black, identical, but in a simpler uniform to show that they were clearly inferior to you. You gave them a nod and headed to your desk at the back of the room and began to sort out some files left from the previous night.

“Ma’am?” came a quiet, awkward voice. One of your team stood behind you. She gripped her holotablet tightly.

“Yes, Zara?” you asked. She licked her lips, nervously.

“We have the… reports… from our latest operation,” she squeaked out, handing over the tablet in a sweaty hand. You took the tablet and flicked through it. You weren’t impressed.

“This isn’t good,” you announced, narrowing your eyes at the report. Zara fiddled with her hands.

“We know, ma’am, and we are so, so sorry, we’ll fix it today, we promise – ”

“You’d better. I don’t have time to do it myself,” you replied, pushing the handheld device back into her grasp. Zara nodded and scuttled away. You sighed and sat heavily in your chair. You didn’t mean to be so stern, but it was an important job the group of you were doing. You couldn’t afford to go easy on them.

You brought up your screen and began to work. You were currently writing a programme to track Resistance ships in the quadrant, and it was going well, when you weren’t busy cleaning up after people.

The fact you got lost in your work didn’t change.  In fact, you thought you were perhaps working even better. Being part of the First Order had given you a strange clarity of mind, and where, before, you had the potential to get distracted, now you only had determination.  You didn’t even look away from your screen until at least four hours had passed. You cast your eyes over to where all of your team were working, their faces masks of concentration. The only sound in the room was the clacking of keys.

You got to your feet.

“I need to get a drink. I’ll be no more than ten minutes,” you said, leaving the room. Back when you had first got to the Base, people had looked at you with confusion, hostility even. But now they knew who you were. They knew the way that you would come with Kylo Ren to all his addresses and stand behind him, a silent pillar of support and knowledge. They knew how important you were now, and how… personal your relationship with their leader was.

They knew not to cross you.

You headed to the refreshment area for the senior officers, and went to get yourself something caffeinated. You stared at the running water of the drinks machine, only pulled out of your own mind when you heard someone call your name.

You looked up to see Phasma, taking off her helmet. She gave you a small smile. You nodded at her.

“Good morning,” she said and you nodded again. Once upon a time maybe you would have shook her hand or even given her a hug, but it seemed inappropriate to do so in front of your fellow workmates.

“Are you still on for training this evening?” she pressed.

“Yes, I may be late though. It depends how successful my team are today,” you couldn’t keep the note of annoyance out of voice. Your drink finished pouring and you took a long swig, not caring how much it burned your mouth. You liked the feel of it.

You had been continuing your training with Phasma since the medical officers had agreed your wound was sufficiently healed enough. You were getting better. You were a crackshot with a gun and your new surge of energy had meant that, whilst not a particular master at hand-to-hand combat, you could certainly hold your own against an assailant. There was just something about fighting that made you feel good. Now you understand why Kylo loved his lightsaber so much.

“Anyway, I should get back and make sure that they are working. Until later,” you gave her a firm salute and left the room, drink in hand. Back in the office the group you commanded were chatting with some gusto, but they all quietened down when you returned to the room, their faces falling and concentration back on their computers. You nodded to yourself and went to head back to your space, when –

I need to talk to you.

You almost jumped, but that wouldn’t have been professional. Barnabus sat at your feet. The chrome coating was coming off of him and, no matter how many times you had offered, he refused to take you up on the offer of getting it redone. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“I’m working. You know that.”

It’s important.

“Can it not wait until tonight? I told you, Barnabus, I have specific hours that I need to be in – ”

It can’t wait. We need to talk now.

You huffed and looked in at your team. Their eyes were fully fixed on their screens.

“Fine.”

You followed Barney down the hall, hand gripping your mug tightly from annoyance all the while. You followed him through an archway into an empty meeting room. You didn’t sit down.

“Can you be brief, Barnabus?”

Why do you call me that? You barely ever called me by my full name, and now it’s the only thing you ever use.

“Because I need to set an example for the officers around me. If I have to talk to you, I need to do so in a professional way. Anyway, it’s not just you. I only call Captain Phasma by her title now.”

Yes, she told me.

That surprised you.

“She told you? When?”

When I started going to hang out in her quarters for some conversation! Seeing as you never have time for me anymore!

“I do make time for you, Barnabus. Just last week – ”

Last week! It was twelve days ago! And before you ask yes, I did count. I counted because I miss my best friend. But you’re too busy sucking Dark Side dick to care about that, aren’t you?

“How dare you speak about him like that,” once your eyes would have filled with tears. Now your body filled with anger.

I’m not just talking about Masky McTantrum. I mean the whole Dark Side.

He paused.

Do you even realise how much you’ve changed? Do you realise what being so immersed in the Dark Side has done to you?

“I’m not Force-sensitive, Barnabus, you know that!”

You don’t have to be! The Force is around us all! Spending this much time on this damn Base would get to anybody! And you’ve decided to nestle right in to it’s black, bitter heart, haven’t you? Have you not seen how people act around you?!

“They respect me!”

THEY’RE SCARED OF YOU! Barney’s voice rose higher and higher. I went past your office the other day and you should have seen how that little team of yours looked at you! It was like you were Kylo Ren!

“Don’t say that!”

The Dark Side has changed you, why can’t you see that?!

“What would you know about it! You’re just a droid!”

There was a silence, a piercing silence. Barney slowly rolled back. You realised what you had said.

“Oh… oh my Lord, Barnabus, I didn’t mean…”

The worst thing was that Barney didn’t even say anything. He just rolled out of the room without a sound, his head hung low. As you watched him your anger bubbled over into choked sobs. You caught sight of yourself and realised there was so much truth in what Barney had said.

You watched your reflection cry through blurry eyes and wondered what it was that you had become.

What the Dark Side had done to you.

Chapter Text

The alarm went off, but you were already awake. A swipe of your hand minimised it. Apart from that you barely moved from where you were bolt upright, back against the bed panel.

Kylo’s arm was wrapped around your waist and he nuzzled into the soft, warm skin on your side. You may have returned his embrace once upon a time, but not now. Now just touching him made you begin to think about what Barney had said the day before. How the Dark Side had poisoned you.

You had returned straight back to Kylo Ren’s quarters after your encounter with the droid, firing off a message to Zara to tell her you would not be returning that day. And then you had sat on the edge of the bed and stared out across the landscape, which was cold and grey now. And you had thought. And you had realised what Barney had said was true. You hadn’t even recognised it, but you had changed here. You thought it had been for the better, finding love, finding meaning. You had been deluding yourself. What had been happening all along was you had become a pawn for the Dark Side. And worse, you had blindly just let it happen to you.

When Kylo had returned that night you hadn’t really talked to him. He didn’t press you for what the matter was. He had just held you as the last few tears you had stored up run down your cheeks. And then he had kissed you and you had fallen asleep in his arms.

You looked down to him. You loved this man, you truly did. It made no sense in your head when the two of you were so… different. You had to believe that your attraction to him wasn’t just a pull of the Dark Side all along, and what you felt was real, was from your heart. You thought it was real. But you didn’t know. You didn’t know.

Kylo stirred beside you and you run a hand over his hair, once. No, it still felt wrong.

Instead, you stood up and got out of bed, making your way over to the shower with a heavy heart. With a sleepy voice, Kylo called out to you:

“I love you.”

His voice was heavy from the fog of waking. You clenched your teeth and your heard panged.

“I know,” you called back.

If you had known those would be the last words you’d say to him, maybe you would have chosen differently.

You stood in the boiling water – that was another thing you’d found since coming here, the harsh hotness didn’t bother you any more – for a long, long time. It was as if you could peel off the disgust you felt with yourself after enough washing. You didn’t know.

You lost track of how long you had been in there for, but eventually you had to step out, blindly searching for a towel through the steam. You rubbed yourself raw with it and thought some more. You knew what you were going to do. You were going to find Barnab… you were going to find Barney and apologise. You were going to try and make a change. You promised yourself that.

The bedroom was empty when you returned. You didn’t know where Kylo had gone, but one of you would often leave without saying goodbye to the other. It wasn’t meant as an act of hostility, just two people with busy schedules trying to stay on top of things. You got dressed in a plain black uniform as you wondered how things would develop between you and your lover from hereon in.

That was when there was a knock at the door.

You frowned. Nobody knocked really, not apart from Hux, and that was only to summon Kylo from your side.

“Come in,” you called, voice steady. A Stormtrooper came in and, to your surprise, so did Barney.

“Miss Hacker?” said the Stormtrooper, voice crackling. You nodded, and they suddenly reached up and removed their mask. Underneath it was a handsome young man.

“I’m with the Resistance, Ma’am. I’ve come here to rescue you.”

Your mouth dropped open. You looked to Barney, eyes wide.

“What?” was all you managed. All power of speech seemed to have evaded you.

I’ve been putting out SOS signals ever since you hooked me up to that console for the first time. I thought that you still wanted to leave.

You looked back to the man. He nodded.

“Your droid sent us a map of the insides of this place. It’s surprisingly easy to sneak in when you have the floor plan!” he tried to joke but it fell on deaf ears. You wondered how Barney had done it, and then you remembered that time you had visited him and dropped him a copy of the map.

“Rescue?” you muttered.

“Well you’re a prisoner here, aren’t you? If you come now we can get out before they even realise that you’re gone.”

You looked down to Barney. He was rolling ever so slightly back and forth, either with nervousness or with excitement, but he paused when you locked eyes. There was a tenderness in his words which you didn’t deserve after the way you had treated him.

I’m going either way, love.

It was one of those moments that you would look back on for the rest of your life. One that would mean nothing would ever be the same. You just knew that months, maybe years from now, you would look back and regret it either way. Your droid – your best damn friend – looked up at you with inhuman eyes, but you knew that he was begging you to come with him.

The gravity of this decision weighed deeply on your chest, and you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

You hadn’t cried much on this Base. And you wouldn’t cry now. You were going to be strong because you knew what your answer was going to be. Perhaps you had known all along, really.

Never had your soul felt this way before, so lifted, so strong, so needed. You loved Kylo Ren. You really, really did.

But that love was destroying you. And you knew it.

“Let’s go,” you whispered, trying not to think about it anymore, knowing it would break your heart if you did.

“Right, my X-Wing is just outside of the Base, if we – ”

“No. If we go too far someone will notice that I’m gone and they’ll think it’s because I’m hurt and then they’ll send a search party out for me. We take a ship from here.”

The Resistance Officer nodded and put his helmet back on.

“Lead the way, little buddy,” he said to Barney.

You wished people had given you a second glance as you had walked swiftly down the corridor, but instead they turned their heads away in fear when they spied you coming towards them. Nobody questioned the superior officer and her droid in the company of a Stormtrooper. Not a one.

Nobody batted an eyelid when you walked straight into the hangar where all the ships were kept and swiped your keycard on an access panel, allowing you into to one of them.

Your mind was screaming as you sat at the controls of the ship, bringing up the built in computer, typing in the codes that you knew would allow you to enter the ship with no problem. Your mind was screaming. It was telling you this was a stupid idea, because what if you got caught and killed? What if Kylo Ren found you and was angry and he punished you? What if you ended up back in that tiny cell again?

But what screamed louder was the fact that you knew none of that would happen if Kylo caught you. Because you knew the way that he looked at you with those deep, soulful eyes, even when he didn’t agree with things you said. He looked at you like a man completely and utterly infatuated. Totally in love. Immovably so.

You knew that if he found out it would break him.

You gritted your teeth so hard that you accidentally bit your tongue. You felt the coppery taste of blood fill your mouth. But you wouldn’t cry. You would not. You would not.

Every part of you screamed to get out of the ship and let Barney leave, go and live a better life away from you. You wanted to find your lover and run back into his arms, and press your face into his chest and have him bury kisses into your hair.

But you knew if you did it would be just another crack the Dark Side was making in your soul.

You stood up and choked out to the pilot, “There. You can fly it now.”

He nodded to you, silently. He could clearly tell you were not having an easy time with this. He began to boot the ship up, getting comfortable in the pilot’s seat.

You went over to the huge window of the ship and gripped the windowpane until your knuckles went white. Your body burnt with a million different feelings. Barney rolled up behind you, but said nothing.

As the ship began to move you knew that people in the control rooms would be passing on reports, saying there was an unscheduled departure. You could handle that.

But then he was there.

He wasn’t supposed to be there.

He never came to the hangars. Not unless he had to. That was always a job for Phasma, or Hux at a push. And yet there he was, looking up at the ship with the rest of them. And you knew he saw you looking out of that window.

Your heart fucking shattered as he took off his mask, the fastest you had ever seen him do it. He locked eyes with you. There was such pain in his face. There were tears in his eyes.

That was the last thing you saw of your lover before the ship entered into hyperdrive, and you were knocked off your feet and fell to the floor.

You didn’t get back up.

Instead you clung to the ground and found yourself screaming, screaming in anguish, as if you had been one person with Kylo and ripped in half. You beat the ground and screamed and screamed and tears flew down your face and, even though you felt yourself getting better, getting lighter as the ship got further and further away from the Base, from the Dark Side, your pain didn’t stop. Your screams formed themselves into words and you hit the floor until your hand bled and even then you didn’t stop, your voice sore and painful and everything hurting.

I love you! I love you! I love you!”

Because you did.

Chapter Text

Time passes, as time does. But you already knew that.

You ended up at the Resistance headquarters. They’d given you a few days alone. You’d been welcomed there, with warm, happy arms. People were friendlier. It was easier to talk to them.

But you were still heartbroken.

But you had picked yourself up and gotten on with it. You’d been offered a job. You wrote programmes for them, ones that you knew could outwit the First Order programmes you had written. You’d disconnected the X-Wing that was still on the Base from your rescue so it couldn’t be used to track the whereabouts of the Resistance, and then you had them destroy the ship that you had actually made your escape in. You couldn’t be tracked.

Barney would sit by you every night after each rejection you gave to the Resistance officers’ offer to come and have dinner with them. You would remain alone in your tiny quarters, eating in silence for the first few weeks. And then you managed to make yourself have a conversation with Barney. By the end of your time at the Resistance, you were up to playing a word game with him.

And it was obvious how happy Barney was to have his best friend back.

You had left the Resistance in the middle of the night. You didn’t want to make a big fuss and it didn’t hurt like it did when you had left your lo... when you had left the Base. You just took a ship and left a “sorry” note, but honestly admitted you didn’t feel like you should be there anymore. And then you and Barney had flown away.

You’d been at the Resistance for three months. It had been long enough for you to feel clean of the Dark Side. You wanted to go back to him, you really did, but you knew what would happen if that was the case. You knew you would fall again.

And so life went back to how it was before Starkiller Base. You would do odd jobs for a bit of cash, hack into things, put up protections for people, smuggle things over borders. It was the kind of life you had lived for before. It almost made you happy most of the time, but there was still something missing.

Time passes. And that was never more evident than now.

It had been a year and half since you had left Starkiller Base.

And now look at what you were doing.

It was a small ice planet, and you had to hack into the Resistance to find out its location. It was really, really out of the way, but then again you suppose that was what they had been aiming for.

This is such a bad idea, Barney muttered from next to you for the umpteenth time. You rolled your eyes.

“Yes, yes, I know. I really, really know,” you sighed.

Can’t we just go back to the Resistance? That X-Wing pilot seemed… nice.

“He has a boyfriend, Barney, I don’t want to get in the way of love.” An ex-Stormtrooper boyfriend at that. You wondered if you had ever run into him on Starkiller. He didn’t appear to recognise you, which was good.

The universe was small. Because apparently the scavenger from Jakku had turned up soon after you had left. But she wasn’t a scavenger any more. She was a Jedi master. It had made you smile when you heard that. You knew she had been destined for great things. You hoped she was happy.

You slowly lowered the spaceship to the floor of the ice planet, and it gave a gentle crunch of snow. The bad thing about prisons was usually the amount of guards there. The good thing was, this place was so remote and cold, they had cut down on their staff considerably.

You waited a moment anyway. Nobody came to try and kill you. You nodded to yourself and went to pick up your coat. And the rest of your thermal gear, while you were at it.

I’m not coming, sniffed Barney. You rolled your eyes at him, but only from an angle where he couldn’t see you.

“Alright, whatever you want, Barn.”

You opened the ship door and a blast of icy wind wrapped itself around you. Your teeth chattered but you were determined. You took a step out of the ship and you heard Barney’s inevitable change of mind.

Wait! Wait for me! Bollocks if I’m staying here to get kidnapped by scrappers.

“Come on then. They haven’t seen us yet but if we take too long they’ll realise there is definitely a ship on their prison that certainly doesn’t belong to them.”

Barney muttered to himself as he followed you out into the snow. It was too cold to talk, really, so you did the trek in silence, only a compass to guide you roughly in the right direction.

It was hard to see through the snowstorm which liked to vary its intensity every few minutes, but there was definitely a guard building there. Nobody was on watch outside of it. You reached for your blaster strapped to your side when you approached the door, listened for a second, and then kicked it in with all of your might.

You shot the two guards who jumped out of their seats.

Funny thing about writing programmes. If you have a gun which is sophisticated enough – or, in your case, if you steal a gun which is sophisticated enough – you can change the impact strength. So, what you had in your hands was a one-hundred-percent effective stun gun. You knew it was because you had tested it on yourself a couple of times. That had given Barney a shock.

“Sorry!” you squeaked, stepping over their collapsed bodies. You hoped their headaches wouldn’t be too severe when they came to.

The door that led to the actual cells was in the ground. You opened it up and looked down at the narrowly-lit laddered passage before you.

They are serious about maximum security, huh, muttered Barney.

They probably had good reason to be. The man was considered evil.

“Barney, stay here. I don’t know how deep this is and I don’t want you to get hurt,” you stated, kissing your gloves and planting it on his forehead.

I can’t believe we’re doing all this for your weird boyfriend, muttered Barney.

Honestly, the droid had put up with a lot from you. You didn’t blame him for being kind of fed up. You sighed, becoming serious.

“Look, Barn… before I go into that hole, there’s something I, uh, want to tell you…” you sighed and rubbed your temple. Barney nudged up against your leg.

What is it?

“I don’t usually do this before the third date.”

You began to climb down as Barney processed your innuendo.

OH MY LORD YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

“I love you!” you called back up, trying to supress a smile.

I KNOW.

You descended down into the main belly of the place.

It was cold. That was a given. And it was dark. What a terrible place to be. But, as a prison, you couldn’t deny it was effective.

There were another couple of guards you had to stun as you made your way through the icy corridors, impossibly long. And then you reached the huge door at the other end, the place that signified the actual cell part of the prison.

You took in a deep breath. It was sealed via computer. You scanned one of the keycards you had stolen off the guards.

The door swung open.

General Leia hadn’t wanted this, but as far as you knew, she had been outvoted. And this is where they had put him to receive his punishment.

He looked bad. He had been here for who knew how many months, but he looked bad. If he had been thin before, now he was skeletal. His face was gaunt and unshaven – and whilst it did suit him a bit, he looked damn near ragged. You could only tell he was alive through the gentle puffs of warm air in the cold room he would give out. You almost cried.

“Kylo?”

He looked up to you, his eyes not bright and full of energy any more.

“Who are you?” he managed, voice cracking. You wondered how long it had been since he had talked to anyone.

You didn’t know much about the Jedi, let alone their techniques. But apparently one of the most skilled acts a Force-user could do was to Sever Force.

To cut off another Jedi’s connection to the Force entirely and stop their powers.

And that’s what the scavenger had done to Kylo.

He wasn’t a Sith any more. He was just a man.

“It’s me,” you whispered, unable to say any more. His eyes widened, just a little, and he whispered your name to you for the first time in over a year. It was heaven to you.

“No… you’re dead,” he muttered, “We picked up signals… you were confirmed dead by the Republic.”

You thought about the fake death reports you had gotten Phasma to help you create. The ones that went straight to where you used to work to lie to them, and tell them the assassination had been successful.

“No. I’m here. I’m right here.”

He still looked at you like you were a ghost. You figured you knew what you had to do. If you got frostbite from this, though…

Your hands awkwardly gloved, you lifted your coat and untucked your shirt, and showed him the scars that remained on the left side of your body.

You didn’t have much of a chance to do anything after that. Because he had gotten to his feet, all in a blur, and he held you so tight you couldn’t breathe. You sobbed, and you could feel his wet tears in your hair. Somewhere in the back of your mind you hoped that your eyelids didn’t freeze together.

“You came for me,” he whispered, as if he couldn’t quite believe it. You nodded against him, encircling him with your arms.

“Of course I did. Of course. I love you.”

He pulled back and grabbed your face in large, unsteady hands, and he kissed you. It had over a year’s worth of urgency behind it, and it was so passionate it almost hurt. Your mouths moved against each other until you couldn’t feel your lips anymore and had to part, but even then he peppered your face with more kisses still.

“I love you,” he whispered between them. Your tears were freezing on your face. It was time to go.

You took him by the hand and led him out. He was slow, but the cell was tiny, so you imagined he didn’t have much opportunity for walking. He climbed the ladder after you. He gave an awkward greeting to Barney, but at least he tried. And then he clung onto your hand as you crossed the frozen wasteland to get back to your ship.

The door closed behind the three of you and you looked at your lover. You walked over to brush the snow off him and kissed him again, having so much time of missing his lips to make up for. You were crying again and you didn’t realise.

“I’m sorry,” you said through your tears, and he held you, and you said no more about it. Because, wordlessly, you were sure that he understood. And none of it mattered any more. Because you were together.

And now, just as two normal human beings, you had a shot at a life. At a love.

If you guys are gonna fuck then can you please give me some warning so I can go into low power mode, chimed Barney from the corner of the room, where he had been taking a very keen interest in the wall. You rolled your eyes but you were smiling too much to care.

“Where do we go now?” he asked you, voice low. He seemed reluctant to let you go, now that he had you in his arms again, but you had to sit in the chair to pilot the ship.

“We have the whole galaxy at our fingertips. Where do you want to go, my love?” you asked. He gripped your shoulder.

He didn’t say anything. He was clearly thinking it over. And that was alright. Because now he was free of Snoke, free of the Dark Side, his life was finally his. No longer a man manipulated from the shadows.

Slowly, you flew the ship into the air, leaving the tiny ice prison behind.

A fugitive, a hacker, and a droid named Barney.

Whatever happened next, you were sure it wouldn’t be dull.