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as heaven is wide (or: Boring James Milner IN SPACE)

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Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 28

So apparently we are going to play football against aliens & they got here in spaceships which looked quite spectacular only I didn't see because it was Monday and I always do laundry on Monday.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 28

I asked Joe Hart Have you heard I am going to play football against aliens?
He said Yes
I said Oh

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 29

I went to the store to get some canned tomatoes because I was out but it turned out they no longer had any either. They did have canned beans, but I did not need canned beans so I did not get any.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 29

Jurgen Klopp asked Are you nervous about the game, James?
I said What game?
He said Against the aliens
I said Well, either we win or we lose
He said I hope you win
I said Thanks

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 29

I thought that maybe I would go to the store and get some canned beans after all, but traffic was crazy so I turned back home and did a crossword puzzle.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 30

Joe Hart asked Are you nervous about the game, James?
I said What game?
He said Against the aliens
I said Yes
He said Oh

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 30

I did laundry today even though it is a Friday and not a Monday, which is the day I always do laundry. #yolo

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 30

Joe Hart called me
He said How about a drink?
I said I do love to sit down with a nice cup of tea after doing laundry
He said I thought you always did laundry on Monday
I said I know. Isn't it crazy?
He said It sure is

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 30

I only noticed today that my laundry detergent always comes in a blue bottle with a white label only now it comes in a blue bottle with a light yellow label and there is also a flower on it. So funny

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 1

Joe Hart called me
I said Do you know what time it is?
He said No
I said Neither do I, because I am in bed and I have already turned off all the lights
He said Oh

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 1

At breakfast today, I thought I was out of tea bags but it turned out I still had about twenty left, so I was not out of tea bags at all. I also was not out of sugar, although I should probably buy some again in two weeks or so, to keep from running out.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 1

Joe Hart told me he was sorry he'd phoned me when I was already asleep
I said It's okay, I woke up when the phone rang
He said Okay

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 1

Joe Hart said So tonight might be your last night on Earth
I said Yes
He said Are you going to do anything special?
I said I'm still trying to choose between the kitchen and the bathroom
He said Well, good luck with that
I said Thanks

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 2

Today I met Iker Casillas

He said Hi James, I'm Iker
I said Hi Iker, I'm James

He seemed nice

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 2

I really wish I could have given the oven a good cleaning before I left but when I was done ironing last night it was already after nine and I wanted to be well-rested when meeting the rest of the team.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 2

I asked Cristiano Ronaldo Have you ever been in space before?
He said No
I said Neither have I
He said I didn't think you had

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 2

I called Joe Hart
He said James, is that you?
I said Yes
He said Oh
I said Apparently, my phone works even when I am in space. Isn't that crazy?
He said It sure is, James

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 3

We all got our own room at the training facility so first thing I did was give mine a good cleaning and now it smells all lemony fresh, which is nice.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 3

I asked Franz Beckenbauer Do you think they have robots to clean this place?
He said I don't know, James
I said I think they probably do
He said You're probably right, James

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 28

Some exciting stuff happened today. I think dinner would have been better if they had used fresh vegetables only they hadn't, which I guess is because we are in space. It was still very nice, though.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 3

I called Joe Hart again but he didn't pick up so I guess he was busy

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 4

Joe Hart called me back
He said Sorry I didn't pick up earlier. I was busy
I said That's exactly what I just thought. So funny
He said Yes, James, you're a funny guy
I said Thanks

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner Apr 28

He said So how are you?
I said I am fine
He said Good
I said How are you, Joe?
He said I'm okay
I said Good

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 4

He said So the big game is tomorrow
I said Yes
He said With the fate of the earth hanging in the balance, I am sure that you will win
I said Well, the aliens are probably very good too, so it should be an exciting match
He said I will be watching
I said Thanks

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 4

He said Would you like me to record the game for you?
I said Thanks, Joe. You are a good friend
He said You're welcome
I said Only it would be a pity if we lost and the Earth got destroyed and then you would have recorded the game for nothing, because I would not be able to watch it
He said James, I am going to record the game for you
I said Thanks

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 4

He said I expect you will want to keep this short, because you want to get a good night's sleep
I said Yes
He said One last thing
I said I already know what you are going to say
He said Oh
I said Happy Star Wars Day to you, too, Joe

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

Today I met Lennox

He said Graaa
I said Hi Lennox, I'm James
He said Graaa

He seemed nice

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

I said to Leo Messi If we win today, I am going to treat myself by buying something nice
He said What?
I said There's a washing machine I've had my eye on for a while
He said Oh
I said How about you?
He said The one I have is fine with me
I said Right

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

I called Joe Hart
He said You can do it, James
I said Do what?
He said Win
I said I just called to check if you remembered that you promised to record the game for me
He said I remembered

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

I've never played football against aliens before. I asked Mario Gotze if he'd ever played against aliens before. He said yes.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

Iker Casillas didn't look very happy so I said It's just 2-0, so if you don't let them score again, we only need to score three goals ourselves in order to win
He said Tell me something I don't know
I said Baker Street Station is the first railway station that's completely underground. It opened in 1863
He said I didn't know that
I said I thought so

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

We won. It was an exciting match and I'm sure we had everyone on the edge of their seats.

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

Joe Hart called me
He said You won
I said I know, Joe
He said You actually won
I said I know, Joe

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

He said I'm super excited right now
I said I know, Joe
He said Yes
I said Did you remember to record the game?
He said Yes
I said Thanks

 

Boring James Milner @BoringMilner May 5

Franz Beckenbauer told us all Good job
We said Thanks
I look forwards to getting home and spending some time working on those bathroom tiles