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How To Survive In Atlantis - For Scientists

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(Third Edition)

Of the first batch of scientists from Earth via Daedalus, a staggering 46.9% of them asked for transfer back to SGC. However, after the first edition of this guide was published that percentage dropped to 29.5% for the second batch and 24.1% for the third batch. We always strive to improve these statistics and with great pleasure we present our third edition of this guide.

The only payment we ask for this invaluable guide is that you do NOT let the senior members of this expedition officially know about this leaflet.

Read and follow instructions and you shall might survive to tell the tale.

1. Preparing Yourself

  • 1.1 Learn the Secret Language of Atlantis Scientists
    -- Start with Secret Language of Beeps. This pre-programmed alarm will tell you whether The Beast pulled yet another allnighter in the lab and whether he was sufficiently caffeinated from the comforts of your own quarters.
    -- Move on to Secret Language of Plant Pots. The plant pots in the Mess and Gate Room are arranged to let you know the progress of The Beast's research projects in the order of its importance. If they are going well, you may approach with your request/project report. Whilst The Beast might be even more egoistical and subject you to a long list of His accomplishments of the day (and there will be many), trust us when we say it is better than doing so when His projects are going downhill.
    -- Learn the Secret Language of Coffee Mugs. The order of mugs (and other various objects near the coffee maker) in labs arranged will tell you his hourly mood and whether some other scientist has already bothered Him before you could approach.

  • 1.2 Buddy System
    -- This has been very successful since it was implemented. Sign up through your departmental supervisor.
    -- The Buddy will play an important part in getting The Beast into better mood. He/She will 'soften' Him with various treats (see 2.2) before you make your move. He/She will also come in to take focus off you from His ire when you need rescuing.
    -- The Buddy system will change periodically not to arouse His suspicion.

  • 1.3 Make the Labs Yours
    -- Learn the exits of all the labs. When you enter a lab, you should always have an exit strategy handy in case of His surprise visit.
    -- Fastest exit is not always the best one. Compare pros and cons with innocuous exit and choose wisely.

2. Move With Caution

  • 2.1 Use Common Sense
    --This cannot be emphasized enough. As a breed, scientists are not known for our observational skills in our everyday life. Change. When His face is red with anger/frustration/exertion, this may not be the best time to let Him know of your existence.
    -- When His face is red with joy/victory (it is easy to tell the difference from above), this may be better time to approach. As always, move with caution.
    -- When His face is white with anger/frustration/exertion, flee the premises. It will be easy to tell the difference from His normal pallor as there WON'T BE ANYONE ELSE AROUND HIM and the atmosphere will be filled with the sense of doom.

  • 2.2 Bribery Sometimes Usually Works
    -- Coffee is always the best bet. Stronger and sweeter the better.
    -- Chocolate is pretty good too. Do not offend Him by offering him what He considers Inferior. i.e. American
    -- Pudding will do when there's nothing else. He likes 'that stuff Teyla's people bake with the fruits from that planet with weird naked blue children' and he prefers ones that are not decorated with the theme of the week.
    -- If you are desperate but have nothing handy, try powerbars. He used to eat them with fervor pre-Daedalus.

  • 2.3 Do Not Be Afraid
    -- He can smell your fear and it will provoke Him. Cover your smell of fear with perfume/cologne (not too strong as He shall be irritated) or smell of food/coffee.
    -- If it is not possible, stage the meeting in a well ventilated area.

  • 2.4 Co-Existing Peacefully
    -- Practice banter and insults. For some strange reason, He finds them amusing.
    -- Do not wear yellow when not on duty. This will remind Him of lemon, His mortal enemy, and will associate 'you' and 'lemon' together. I repeat, You = Lemon is not a good thing.
    -- Do not mention His name and lemon in the same sentence. Most likely it will lead to an investigation and although you probably won't be charged with attempted murder, why tempt fate?

3. Common Misconceptions

  • 3.1 You Are Safe If He Does Not Know Your Name
    -- Nobody is safe from His wrath.
    -- He might not know your name but rest assured, He does not need to know your name to kill you with His brain. Be aware.
    -- If He needs your name for some reason, He will get it. He might not know your name but you can bet (insert your most prized possession here) that Lt. Col. Sheppard, Dr. Beckett, Dr. Zelenka and/or Dr. Weir will know and supply it.

  • 3.2 You Are Safe In Your Own Quarters
    -- Are you kidding me?

  • 3.3 You Are Safe When You Are Alone
    -- Seriously, you should know better by now.
    -- The Beast is all knowing and all seeing. But slightly less creepy than the Ori.

4. What To Do If When You Screw Up

  • 4.1 Own Up
    -- It might be one of the hardest things you have to do in Atlantis. But the less time He spends trying to figure out how/what/who caused the problem, better it will be for you.
    -- Really.
    -- There is no point in trying to cover it up. (See 3.)
    -- It might be a good idea trying to butter Him up beforehand. (See 2.2 for details)

  • 4.2 Be Calm
    -- Mostly He is all bark and no bite. The worst He has done so far is sending few 27 scientists back to Earth. We think. What happened to Dr. Kanishi was an accident. We think.
    -- There are brown paper bags in every lab. Just in case.

  • 4.3 Seek Outside Help
    -- Fellow scientists might help you out in diverting His attention. Try out Your Own Secret Language with your friends.
    -- Lt. Col. Sheppard is the only one who can calm The Beast at His worst. He likes turkey sandwiches. With extra mayo and fresh tomatoes.

Live Long And Prosper

Remember, you are not on your own. Dr. Heightmeyer regularly hosts a session for traumatized scientists. It is nothing to be ashamed of. BYOD.