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Harry and the Amazing Technicoloured Invisibility Cloak

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Narrator: Way way back many Potter books ago
Not long after the 90s began
Harry lived in the house of Dursley
A fine example of a put upon man.

Weasley, Weasley and sons
They rescued poor Harry from his mean old Aunt
Weasley, Weasley and sons
Didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’

Arthur was the father of the family of Weasley
With Molly his wife as the one in his life
Bill and Charlie were born first with Percy born next
Fred and George twins took the total to five.

Weasley, Weasley and sons
Ronald was another that took it to six
Weasley, Weasley and sons
Except then they had a daughter, which looked like a fix.

Weasley, Weasley and sons
Depended on magic to earn their keep
Weasley, Weasley and sons
Extended the Burrow so they could all sleep.

 

Dumbledore: Harry’s father, he was quite my favourite boy
I never really loved someone with so much joy
And Harry was my pride because he reminded me of him.

Narrator: Through young Harry, Albus lived his youth again.
Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could, but then
It made Severus feel second best
And even if he was…

Severus and Lucius: Being told we’re also rans
Does not make us Potter fans.

Narrator: But where they have really missed the boat is:

Severus and Lucius: We’re great guys but no one seems to notice.

Narrator: Harry’s charm and winning smiles
Failed to slay them in the aisles
And Headmaster couldn’t see the danger
Though he imagined oh so many dangers
But he saw in Harry prophecy come true.

 

Narrator: Albus wanted to treat young Harry like his son
To make it clear that Harry was the special one.
So Albus gave the boy a cloak
Invisibility cloak to wear.

Harry’s cloak was magical, the cut was fine
It made him invisible in the ultimate of good design
And this was why he didn’t catch the eye
No one would stop and stare.

And when Harry tried it on,
He knew his nervous days were gone
Such a stunning cloak of many uses
How he loved his cloak of many uses
It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.

Narrator: Next day, far from home
Death Eaters planned a repulsive crime.

Death Eaters: Let’s grab Harry now:
Do him in whilst we’ve got the time.

Narrator: This they tried within the Ministry
Lured him in and tried to break his knees.
But Harry’s friends turned up
And protected him to a man.
Thus was Lucius caught,
And he was thrown in Azkaban.
Taken by surprise and put in jail.
It was hard for him to know that he had failed.

 

Death Eaters: Voldey we’ve something to tell you
A story of our time
A tragic but inspiring tale
Of fuck ups of our time.

You know we went for the Potter boy,
Well that didn’t quite work out.
But feel no anger, do not yell
We hate it when you shout.

There’s one Death Eater in prison
There’s one less here by your side.
Lucius, we’ll never forget you,
But you might wish that you had just died.

There’s one less place in our circle.
There’s one more tear in our eye.
But Lucius, the things that you stood for
Like pure-blood arrogance never die.

When we think of his last great battle,
A lump comes to our throat.
It takes a man who’s fucked up bad
To blame it on a goat.

His black pimp cane is tribute to
His final sacrifice
His body may be far from here
But it isn’t very nice.

There’s one less place in our circle.
There’s one more tear in our eye.
But Lucius, the things that you stood for
Like Slytherin cunning never die.

Carve his name with pride and courage
Let no tear be shed.
If he had not taken all the blame
You might have killed us instead.

Chorus: Lucius was taken to Azkaban in chains and bound.
Lucius was taken to Azkaban in chains and bound.
Where he was put in a prison with lots of guards
Where he was put in a prison with lots of guards.

Lucius:Close every door to me,
Hate me – don’t laugh at me
Darken my daylight, and that is all right.
Do what you want with me
Except – just don’t laugh at me.
I don’t like daytime, and I don’t like night.

But my life is important. I
Shall ask ‘will I live or die’?
But I know the answer lies with the Dark Lord.

Close every door to me,
Keep those who love from me
Pure-blood Malfoys are never alone.
For I know I shall find
An escape in my mind
For I have been promised a land of my own.

 

Narrator: Lucius’s luck was really out
His spirit and his fortune low.
Alone he sat, alone he thought
Of Muggle torture he used to know.

Hey, Lucius, don’t be so upset.
Hey, luscious, you’re not beaten yet.
Go go go Lucius, you know what they say!
Hang on there Lucius, you’ll make it some day.
Sha-la-la Lucius, you’re doing fine.
You and the Malfoys, ahead of your time.

 

Narrator: Voldey, he was a powerful man
With the ancient world in the palm of his hand.
To all intents and purposes he
Was the Dark Lord – with a capital D.

Whatever he did he was showered with praise.
If he killed a Muggle then you chortled for days.
No one had rights or a vote but the Lord
And if you objected then you died by the sword.

When Voldey’s around
Then you get down on the ground.
If you ever find yourself near Voldemort
Remember you are naught.

Chorus: A Voldey story, a Voldey story.
A Voldey story, a Voldey story.

Narrator: Down at the other end of the scale
Lucius is still spending time in jail.
But even though he is in Azkaban
Don’t forget, he is really The Man.

Strange as it seems
There’s been some very funny themes
And a man who’s very cunning could go far
Could become a star

Chorus: He’ll be famous, he’ll be a big success.
He’ll be famous, he’ll be a big success.

 

Narrator: Guess what, in his bed
Voldey had an uneasy night
He had had a thought
That pinned him to the sheet with fright.

No one knew the answer to this thought.
What to do – can mercenaries be bought?
Then Death-Eaters said “What about old Lucius M.
He is kind of cool, might have a way of finding them”
Voldey said:

Voldey: Well fetch this Lucius man.
I need him to help me if he can.

Chorus :Poor poor Voldey, don’t know what to do
That is rather poo, mate, don’t know what to do.

Narrator: Chained and bound but not afraid
Lucius knew his career was made.

Lucius: My service to Voldey has resumed
I knew this would happen – something loomed.

 

Voldey: Well I was wandering along by the banks of the Great lake
When seven strange creatures came out of the lake, uh-huh huh

Death Eaters: Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

Voldey: And right behind these weird metal creatures came
One man called Davros, and he was such a fake, uh-huh huh

Death Eaters: Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

 

Voldey: Well Davros was in charge,
which seemed really odd, uh-huh huh

 

Death Eaters: Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

Voldey: But the other creatures all obeyed
and seemed to think that he was a god.

Death Eaters: Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

Voldey: But Davros kept singing and they couldn’t ever really shut him up….
Well this thought has got me baffled
Hey, Lucius, won’t you tell me what it means?

Hey, hey, hey Lucius
Won't you tell poor old Voldey
What do these crazy thoughts mean?
Oh yeah!

 

Lucius: Seven years of Dalek rule are on their way
Years of plenty, endless wheat and tons of hay
Your farms will boom, there won’t be room
To store the surplus food you grow
After that, the future doesn’t look so bright
Dalek plans will devastate us over night
And famine’s hand will stalk the land
With food an all-time low.

My Dark Lord, there is no doubt
What your thoughts are all about
All these things you thought about last night
Are an urging to do what is right

And I’m sure it’s crossed your mind
What it is you have to find.
Find these creatures to lead you to great power
They could get it done within the hour.
But why they’ll work for you
I just don’t know.
But why they’ll work for you
I just don’t know.
But why they’ll work for you
I just don’t know…

 

Narrator: Voldey said -

Voldey: Well stone the crows,
This Lucius is a clever kid
Who'd have thought that metal things
Could mean the things he said they did?
Lucius you must help me further;
I have got a job for you
You shall make them be my subjects -
You shall be my number two.

Narrator: Lucius actually really managed
To persuade the Dalek king
That the Dark Lord was his master
And they’d want to work for him.
Lucius got a place of power -
Daleks were his happy slaves.
He had promised them the Muggles
If they’d be quite well behaved.

 

Lucius, Lucius -
Voldey's number two
Lucius, Lucius -
We all look to you

Seven summers on the trot
Were perfect just as Lucius said.
Lucius saw that food was gathered
Ready for the years ahead.
Seven years of trouble followed
Voldey didn't mind a bit.
The first recorded rationing
In history was a hit.

Random fangirls: Lucius, how can we ever say
All that we want to about you?
We're so glad that you came our way
We would have perished without you.

Voldey: Lucius, we are the perfect team
Old buddies, that's you and me
I was wise to have chosen you
You'll be wise to agree

Random fangirls: Lucius, how can we ever say
All that we want to about you?
We're so glad that you came our way
We would have perished without you

Voldey: We were in a rumpus
Would have baffled Albus.
But now we're a partnership
It's just a piece of cake .

Random fangirls: Greatest man since Noah -
Only goes to show-ah…

Lucius: If you are a Malfoy, you can make it
If you get a lucky break.

Narrator: This could be a happy ending,
Perfect place to stop the show.
Lucius after all has gone
About as far as he can go .
But I'm sure that you will think of
Harry, Ronald, Fred and Bill
How had famine hit the people
Lucius tried to kill?

 

Narrator: So at the Burrow the future looked rough
Arthur’s family were finding it tough.

Weasleys + Harry: For the Daleks have caught us unprepared:
We are thin, we are ill, we are getting scared.

Narrator: So they finally decided to go
And to see if they’d reap what they’d sowed.
So they all lay before Lucius’s feet…

Weasleys + Harry: Mighty Prince give us something to eat.

Narrator: Lucius found it a strain not to laugh because
Not a Weasley among them knew who he was.

Lucius: I shall now get revenge to a man
Since they were why I was at Azkaban.

 

How do I know where you come from:
You could be spies.
Telling me that you are hungry:
That could be lies.
How do I know who you are?

Weasleys + Harry: Grovel, grovel, cringe beg stoop fall
Worship, worship, beg kneel sponge crawl.

We are just the Weasley brothers -
And Harry, too.
Though we know we count for nothing
When up next to you.
Honesty’s our middle name.
Life is slowly ebbing from us,
Hope's almost gone
It's getting very hard to see us
From sideways on

Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

Lucius: I rather like the way you’re talking
It’s what I like to hear
Suddenly your touching story
Gets me right here.

Weasleys + Harry: This is what we hoped you’d say.

Lucius: All this begging at my bootstraps
Seems quite justified.
I will give you what you came for,
And much more besides.

Weasleys + Harry: Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

Thank you, thank you, cringe, bow, stoop, fall
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

Narrator: Lucius handed them sackloads of food
And they grovelled in base gratitude
Then unseen Lucius crept out around the back
And planted a Dalek in Harry’s sack.
When the Weasleys were ready to go,
Lucius turned to them all with a terrible stare and said

Lucius: No! No! No no no!

 

Stop, you robbers, your little game is checked.
One of you has stolen my precious Dalek Sec.

Narrator: Lucius started searching through the Weasley sacks
Everyone was nervous; no one could relax.

Chorus: Who’s the thief, who’s the thief
Who’s the thief, who’s the thief?

Narrator: Is it Arthur? No!
Is it Molly? No!
Is it Charlie? No!
Is it Bill? No.

Is it Percy? No!
Are you sure there? No!
Is it Ronald? No!
Is it Gin?

Could it be, could it be,
Could it be, could it be
Could it actually be the Potter boy?

Chorus: YES YES YES

Lucius: Harry P, you nasty youth,
Your crime has shocked me to the core
Never in my whole career
Have I encountered this before
Guards, seize him! Lock him in a cell
Throw the keys into the Nile as well

Narrator: Each of the Weasleys fell to their knees

Weasleys: Show him some mercy, oh mighty one please!
He would not do this, he must have been framed
Jail us or beat us, we should be blamed.

 

Oh no - not he
How can you accuse him is a mystery
Save him - take me
Potter is gayer than the tall palm tree

Ron: I hear the steel drums sing their song
They're singing ‘man you know you've got it wrong’
I hear the voice of the yellow bird
Singing in the tree ‘this is quite absurd’

Weasleys: Oh yes, It’s true
Harry P is sexy as a big bamboo
No ifs, men’s butts
Harry P is fond of men with massive nuts

Ron: Sure as the tide wash the golden sand
Mr P is an innocent man
Sure as bananas need the sun
We are the criminal guilty ones

Weasleys: Oh no, not he
How you can accuse him is a mystery
Save him, take me
Potter is gayer than the tall palm tree

Oh no, not he
How you can accuse him is a mystery
Save him, take me
Potter is gayer than the tall palm tree

 

Narrator: And Lucius knew by this the Weasleys still were honest guys
The time had come at last to execute them by surprise.

Lucius: Don’t you recognise my face: is it hard to see
That Lucius – who you thought was dead – your enemy is me!

Weasleys and Harry: Lucius, Lucius, is it really you?
Lucius, Lucius, tell us it’s not true!
Lucius…. Lucius….

Dalek Sec: EXTERMINATE!

 

Narrator: And Lucius went to meet him with a Dalek dressed in gold.
In gold. In gold. In GOLD.

Lucius: I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain
What I thought I knew.

Far far away, lots of people crying
With their loved ones dying,
Any dream will do.

I wore his cloak
Davros + Daleks: He wore his cloak
Lucius: With happy sighing
Knowing Potter was dying –
Wonderful and true.

And in the East,
Davros + Daleks: And in the East
Lucius: The dawn was waking
And the Muggles were breaking,
Any dream will do.

A flash of light, Avada K
My precious dreams were flung away
The Daleks faded into darkness
I was left alone….

May I return
Davros + Daleks: May I return
Lucius: To the beginning
Do lots of singing
Cos the Malfoys won.

 

Give me a lot of praise,
An enormous lot of praise.
Give me a lot of praise
For the Dark Lord rules OK!