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Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son: A Parody

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Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son

A Monastery Somewhere in Tibet
DEUCALION: I am a monster who has become a man. My life is pain but I'm okay with that. Om.
MOUNTAINEER/POSTMAN: Message for you, sir!
DEUCALION: Dammit, Frankenstein's still alive. Guess I'll have to ditch the meditation in favor of murder. And I was beginning to like it up here. Oh well. At least in the real world I'll be able to eat Cheez-Its.
MONK: Let me give you a farewell tattoo to cover your hideous facial disfigurement.
DEUCALION: Thank you, this will make me much less conspicuous.

Meanwhile in Nawlins
CARSON: *kicks ass*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*
CARSON & MICHAEL: We are the city's youngest ever homicide cops and everyone hates us. Not-so-secretly we love each other. Hey look, a handless dead body in the reservoir.
HANDLESS DEAD BODY: *floats*
CARSON: Betcha this has something to do with the parts-chopping serial killer we're investigating.

A park
ROY: I am a zany health nut so obsessed with caring for my body that I have begun to age backwards. I seek perfection, like an impossible number of other characters in this book. Also, I like to kill women and collect their body parts so I can construct my Perfect Mate. Hello, fat and self-conscious cotton candy vendor. Want to go on a date?
COTTON CANDY CANDICE: Um, okay.

The O'CONNOR house
CARSON: How's my favorite kid brother?
AUTISTIC ARNIE: *builds Lego castles*
CARSON: Right.

Institution
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *does crosswords*

The waterfront
COTTON CANDY CANDICE: You're a wonderful man.
ROY: *stabby stabby*
ROY: Pair of eyes, check.

A different crime scene
CARSON: Dead body number six, male, sucking chest wound.
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*
HARKER: My name is Jonathan Harker and thus you can see that I am an example of Subtle Allusion in this story. I'm a cop. For fun I enjoy taunting Carson & Michael, accompanying my secret friend the murder victim to strangers' funerals, and looking for the Secret to Happiness by removing other people's internal organs. Also I'm not really a cop, I'm a Frankenstein monster created to infiltrate the system in preparation for world domination.

Evil Lab
VICTOR: I seek perfection, I am a Creator and a Destroyer, I am so far beyond today's scientists it isn't even funny, I would be God except there is no such thing.
KARLOFF: Rahrr, I am a disembodied head in a tank.
VICTOR: Move your thumb, cleverly-named abomination!
DISEMBODIED HAND ON A TABLE: *twitches*
VICTOR: Eeeeexcellent.

Defunct movie theater
DEUCALION: Sup.
FAT GUY: I used to be a sideshow freak.
DEUCALION: Me too.
FAT GUY: Awesome! You can move in. Just don't touch the equipment. I mean the theater equipment. What was your sideshow name?
DEUCALION: They called me... "THE MONSTER."
READERS: *gasp* No!

Somewhere in Nawlins
CARSON: *investigates*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

Chez Frankenstein
VICTOR: Perfection perfection perfection!
ERIKA IV: "Hope is a thing with feathers."
VICTOR: Why the hell did I let her read Dickinson?

The O'CONNOR house
AUTISTIC ARNIE: *builds Lego castles*

Institution
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *does crosswords*

Chez Frankenstein
ERIKA IV: *picks out dinner party clothes*
UNSEEN SKITTERING CREATURE: Oogly-boogly.
ERIKA IV: Hm.

The morgue
SARDONIC AUTOPSY GUY: Dude, VICTIM #6 is a total mutant! It's like nothing in nature!
CARSON: Weird.
HARKER: *gives a complete psychological profile of the victim*
CARSON: *blinks*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

Chez Frankenstein
VICTOR: Perfection perfection perfection! God complex! Arrogance!
ENSEMBLE OF IMPORTANT GUESTS: *bow and scrape*

Institution
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *pauses from doing crosswords* I've got it! I shall overcome my debilitating autism and traverse the city for the sole purpose of finding AUTISTIC ARNIE and learning the Secret to Happiness which he is hoarding, the little bastard.

Somewhere else in Nawlins
CARSON: *investigates*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

Chez Frankenstein
VICTOR: I have insatiable and deviant sexual appetites. Fortunately I've got this custom-made wife to satisfy me. I even programmed her to feel shame because it excites me.
ERIKA IV: *doesn't satisfy or excite*
VICTOR: Right. I'm off to sulk in my Evil Lab.

VICTIM #6's apartment
CARSON: I don't believe in the supernatural.
DEUCALION: I'm a 200-year-old Frankenstein monster.
CARSON: Wow, really?

ROY's place
ROY: La la la, perfection. *puts eyes in Body Parts Fridge*
BODY PARTS FRIDGE: Surprise! I have three Tupperwares full of organs you didn't put in here.
SECOND FRIDGE: Surprise! It's COTTON CANDY CANDICE's corpse that you dumped in the river.
ROY: The obvious answer is I have blackouts and am my own copycat killer.

Evil Lab
PHONE: *rings*
VICTOR: Yo.
HARKER DISGUISED VOICE: Father, I'm afraid. I'm Changing. I've killed people.
VICTOR: Come to me.
HARKER DISGUISED VOICE: You've got to be kidding. *hangs up*

A dark alley
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

Chez Frankenstein
UNSEEN SKITTERING CREATURE: Oogly-boogly.
ERIKA IV: Hm.

Elsewhere in Nawlins
CARSON: *investigates*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

A church
PATRICK: I am another of VICTOR's infiltrating monster guys and I am having a Crisis of Faith. This is ironic because I am a priest.
VICTOR: One of my Children has gone crazy. Find him and bring him to me dead or alive. 'K?
PATRICK: Um. 'K.
VICTOR: God be with you. Ha ha ha ha ha.
PATRICK: Funny, sir.

Defunct movie theater
CARSON: You're a 200-year-old Frankenstein monster and you work the snack counter at a defunct movie theater?
DEUCALION: [Cryptic clues.]
CARSON: Okay, you can be our third partner. Gimme a chocolate bar.

Institute
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

Chez Frankenstein
ERIKA IV: *steps out of the shower*
SCALPEL ON BATHMAT: *gleams*
ERIKA IV: Hm.

ROY's place
ROY: La la la, perfection.
HARKER: *appears in his kitchen*
ROY: WTF?
HARKER: *breaks his spine*
ROY: Wah.
HARKER: Be quiet while I frame you for both our murder sprees, write a suicide note that will lead CARSON straight back to me, and drop you off the roof.
ROY: AAAH *squish*

VICTIM #6's apartment
CARSON: So, what d'you think?
DEUCALION: [more cryptic clues]

Chez Frankenstein
FLATSCREEN TV: Oogly-boogly. KILL VICTOR.
ERIKA IV: Can't, it's against the rules.
FLATSCREEN TV: Dammit.

A dark alley
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

ROY's place
POLICE DEPARTMENT: Case closed.
SUICIDE NOTE: *leads CARSON straight back to HARKER*

HARKER's apartment building
HARKER: Hiya, perpetually cheerful neighbor!
JENNA: Hiya, kind and lonely neighbor who's about to go psycho on me!
HARKER: What d'you say you take a big whiff of this chloroform and let me strap you to the lab table in my bedroom before I poke around your innards in my search for the Secret to Happiness?
JENNA: Okay!
HARKER: P.S. I'm preggers!
EVIL MUTANT FETUS: *Wriggles*
JENNA: WTF?
MARY SHELLEY: At least Koontz kept one of my themes in.

Chez Frankenstein
DISEMBODIED HAND: Oogly-boogly. Follow me.
ERIKA IV: Okay.

Evil Lab
KARLOFF: If you can't kill VICTOR, at least kill me.
ERIKA IV: *flips switches*
KARLOFF & HAND: *die*
ERIKA IV: *frames HAND for the euthanization*

HARKER's apartment building
CARSON: *kicks ass*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*
HARKER: *gets away*
JENNA: That was weird.

A dark alley
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

Defunct movie theater
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*
DEUCALION: Poor little human using humor to cover his fear.
MICHAEL: .
CARSON: Awesome. Come help us get HARKER.

Evil Lab
VICTOR: *watches security tape of ERIKA killing KARLOFF*
READERS: Ha ha ha uh-oh.

The church from before
HARKER: Woe is me, I can't find the Secret to Happiness without killing people.
PATRICK: Woe is me, I can't find the Meaning of Life without believing in God.
HARKER: BTW I'm preggers!
EVIL MUTANT FETUS: *Wriggles*
PATRICK: WTF?
DOORBELL: *rings*
HARKER: *runs away*
PATRICK: Hey, Pops.
VICTOR: Find the defector yet?
PATRICK: Nope.
VICTOR: Right.
PATRICK: God be with you.
VICTOR: Only funny when I say it.

HARKER's apartment
SECRET ROOM WALLPAPER: World deities! Nazis! Freud and Jung! Satan!
CARSON: So, what d'you think?
DEUCALION: [somewhat less cryptic clues]
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

A dark alley
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

Chez Frankenstein
VICTOR: *throws ERIKA around*
ERIKA IV: I forgive you for what you're about to do--
VICTOR: WTFhowdareyou.
ERIKA IV: --but I don't forgive you for having made me.
VICTOR: *strangle strangle*
ERIKA V: Time to be born.

Darkening streets of Nawlins
HARKER: *runs*
CARSON & MICHAEL: *run after him*
DEUCALION: *takes his sweet time*

Huge empty warehouse
CARSON: *kicks ass*
HARKER: *comes at MICHAEL with EVIL MUTANT BABY clinging to his chest*
MICHAEL: OMGWTF
HARKER: *goes to toss MICHAEL off the roof*
CARSON: *shoots him*
HARKER: *comes at CARSON with EVIL MUTANT BABY clinging to his chest*
CARSON: OMGWTF
DEUCALION: *throws HARKER off the roof*
HARKER: *dies*
EVIL MUTANT BABY: *escapes into the sewers*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

Under O'CONNOR house
RANDALL VI: *lies in wait*

Evil Lab
ERIKA V: *is born in a tank*
VICTOR: Perfection perfection perfection!
ERIKA V: You better believe it, baby.

O'CONNOR house
DEUCALION: Join forces with me to kill VICTOR.
CARSON: 'K.
AUTISTIC ARNIE: *builds Lego castles*
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

BOOK: *ends*