My dear brother Fingolfin,
I am, as always, overjoyed to be reunited with you and your wonderful children. Please give my love to all of them, unconditionally.
It is out of this unconditional love that I must ask: is it true that Fingon and Maedhros are wed? I understand that you did all sorts of unconventional things in Beleriand, such as hundreds of years of warfare, but half-incestuous same-sex weddings? I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea. At the risk of being untoward: is it even anatomically possible? Who will bear the children?
Hugs and kisses,
My dear younger brother Finarfin,
I did not ask them about the particulars, but Fingon has told me, to my disappointment, that no children will result from the marriage. Nevertheless, they seem very happy together and have adopted a small dog.
With good regard,
Dear Uncle Finarfin,
I steamed open the envelope before I handed it over to my father, expecting that you, my easily concerned uncle, would have questions about my living arrangements.
I have included a drawing of how the wedding was accomplished. Forgive its crudeness; Maedhros is the artist out of the two of us, but he was strangely unmotivated to enlighten you.
Lots of love,
My dear cousin Fingon,
When I saw a letter arriving from you, I confess that I was apprehensive, given my father’s tendency towards nosiness, and his frequent musings about same-sex congress over the dinner table. I know that your time in the Halls of Mandos did not blunt your boldness, and so I steamed open the envelope.
Thank the Valar that I did! My father would have added it to the family newsletter. I forged a much more appropriate letter in your handwriting explaining that love knows no bounds, whether it be by kinslaying or shared genitalia, that I think my father will find too boring to add to the newsletter.
I am thrilled to hear that you have a small dog.
Give Maedhros a kiss (on the cheek) from me!
Finrod the Wise
The gossip about you and Fingon has reached even unto the Halls of Mandos, where I am confined until the end of Arda. I find this news extremely UPSETTING, and I hope that you will take my advice in death as you never did in my life.
First, I have no objections to your sexual preferences. While children are a blessing, they will also break your heart by marrying the eldest son of your bitter rival, and so I am pleased you are spared my agony. I love you, and shall always love you, but it is tempered with extreme DISAPPOINTMENT.
Second, my beloved father has already given you a way to escape from your mistake. Induce Fingon to wish to depart from Aman forever. I assume this can be done by taking away his hair jewellery, though perhaps you might also start an affair. I know that Elves do not normally have sex outside of marriage, but the Laws and Customs Among the Eldar at no point mentions anal or oral sex, nor frottage, nor manual stimulation, and therefore we can assume that you might engage in any of these things with males entirely UNRELATED to you.
Third, I have included several SUGGESTIONS for whom you might marry next. Although Daeron is Sindarin, his abilities as a linguist commend him and I would be pleased to add him to the family. Beleg Cúthalion is my second choice, primarily because he has already demonstrated a preference for moody, tragic, and morally ambiguous suicides who have a penis. There is also the option of Ecthelion, whose Balrog-slaying has very much recommended him to me, for as you know, Balrogs have done me great evil.
With restrained affection,
Fëanor, the creator of the Silmarils
At first, I was rather disturbed by the hooded and robed messenger of Mandos who arrived at my door, but then he (or she?) gave my small dog a biscuit, and my worries were assuaged. I am very happy to hear from you, and am glad to see that you are keeping your mind busy. Your research into both male-on-male sex and eligible bachelors has impressed me.
Nevertheless, I regret to say that, as I have done many times before, I cannot follow your advice. My primary objection is that Fingon would never wish to fade from this world when he has both myself and a small dog. There is also the matter that your recommendations, while informed by fatherly concern, are faulty. Daeron is solely attracted to the opposite sex, Beleg is still pining after a dead Man, and Ecthelion prefers blonds.
I hope that you are doing well as a tormented shade; please send my greetings to grandfather and grandmother.
With love and ambivalent respect,
FINARFIN’S FAMILY NEWSLETTER
Galadriel and Finrod, eds.
Exciting news! Maedhros, weary of waging war against friend and foe alike for the Silmarils, has acquired a small dog. There is no need to be worried about the care of the small dog, however, for Fingon, a past winner of the Most Beloved and Least Reprehensible Finwion award, is sharing responsibility for its care. The small dog is, by all accounts, quite small, has abundant hair, and wears a tasteful array of jewellery. [Editors’ note: Fingon only qualified for the award after Finrod and Galadriel were discounted for winning too many times]
In other recent events, mail service has resumed between Tirion and the Halls of Mandos for the first time in two Ages. For those of you whose relatives are still languishing, formless, you may now send them letters. We are assembling a care package for Aegnor and would appreciate any non-perishable contributions you may have.
Finally, we must announce that Maedhros and Fingon have wed in secret, despite the fact that a full page would have been given over to wedding announcements, if they had only bothered to tell any newsletter staff. Nevertheless, we assume it was a joyful affair. No word yet on if they have finalized an official engraving! Staff would be content with an engraving of the small dog, at the very least.
Elrond Half-elven has requested that Maedhros perform 1000 years of community service tending his garden and septic tank as weregild for the kinslaying at Sirion.
Dior the Fair and Nimloth have additionally requested 1000 years of community service from Maedhros, taking the form of laundry duties and dishwashing as weregild for the kinslaying at Doriath.
Olwë has stated a preference for Fingon to perform the required community service at the docks, for reasons of Maedhros looking too slim for heavy lifting and was quoted as saying, “I do remember Fingon slaying more kin that day. And Maedhros is already so busy.”
NEW MAGLOR SIGHTING
Elanor Gardner has reported a tall, mournful figure wandering about in the tall grass behind the Mathom-house at Michel Delving. His sobbing was exquisitely melodious.
There is the additional evidence that he signed the guest register as “Maglor, residence: exile.”