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Or Worse, Expelled

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1. Four

Dear Mr and Mrs Granger,

I understand that as you are both working professionals, it may be somewhat inconvenient for you to find a new day care provider on short notice, but as the directory of the Busy Bunnies Day Nursery, I am sorry to tell you that Hermione may not return to our centre.

On Tuesday of this week she took it upon herself to tell every single one of her classmates that Father Christmas does not exist. Apparently she did the maths, and for one person to visit every house in Great Britain would violate the laws of physics. I hardly need tell you that the typical four-year-old at Busy Bunnies Day Nursery is not interested in the laws of physics; they’re much more interested in finding presents under the tree on Christmas Day.

Her teacher Miss Kimberley sent her to my office for a little chat, and I explained that she needed to apologise to her classmates and tell them that she was wrong and that of course Father Christmas is real. She refused.

To avoid ruining Christmas for her classmates, we have told them all that she has been expelled for lying. So obviously, you may not bring her back.

Merry Christmas! We do hope her next day care centre is a better fit.

Mathilda Bangwell
Director, Busy Bunnies Day Nursery


2. Six

Dear Mr and Mrs Granger,

This letter serves as formal notification that your daughter, Hermione Granger, has been suspended from St Anne’s (CE) Primary School until further notice.

On Monday during maths class, her teacher, Margery Spink, told the students that a mile is shorter than a kilometer. Hermione contradicted Miss Spink repeatedly and added, ‘you are lying to the class,’ ‘this is what comes of inadequate teacher training,’ and ‘look it up, you stupid cow.’ When her teacher told her to sit down and be quiet, Hermione flew into a rage and flipped the table she was sitting at, frightening the other children.

The fact that Hermione was correct that a mile is longer than a kilometer is immaterial; her violence and disrespect were completely unacceptable. We suggest you find her another school, one more tolerant of six-year-olds who are perennially convinced they know more than their instructors.

Very truly yours,
Laura Knobscott
Head of St Anne’s (CE) Primary School


3. Eight

Dear Mr and Mrs Granger,

It is with a great deal of regret that I am writing to expel Hermione from Stanford Green Primary School. Hermione is a gifted and exceptionally clever young girl, and has been a joy to have in class for many of her teachers.

However, we have a strict anti-violence policy, which she violated this week while waiting in line to go to lunch.

Hermione claims that the boy she punched in the face, Norman Collier, had called her classmate Sonali Chopra by a racist epithet, and made her cry, and also she claims that this is not the first time this has happened. However, her teacher did not observe the teasing, and did see Hermione hit Norman.Moreover, Norman’s parents insist that he would never use such language and Sonali simply misheard him saying that he had ‘packed’ his own lunch that day.

Hermione actually broke Norman’s nose, requiring medical treatment. When she was permitted to come back to get her things and sent to the office for a conversation about her choices, she (rather indignantly) said that she would do the same thing again, under the same circumstances, and when told that Norman suffered a great deal from her punch, said, ‘good.’

Hermione will not be allowed to return to Stanford Green. Best of luck to all of you.

John Bancock
Head of Stanford Green Primary School


4. Ten

Dear Mr and Mrs Granger,

I’m not even sure how to begin this message. I suppose it would be best to simply narrate events.

On Thursday, during school lunch, I believe the altercation began with a younger child who was possibly being bullied by an older child. The younger child in question is eight, and a rather effeminate boy who attracts quite a bit of negative attention from his peers. The older child is nine, and had previously had a bit of a scrap with Hermione when she caught him trying to shake someone down for their lunch money. Also involved were two girls from Hermione’s classroom, Hermione’s teacher, the effeminate boy’s teacher, and all the mice from the science classroom which somehow got loose and were running around in the corridors.

The younger child grew twelve full inches and the older boy shrank down an equivalent amount, inspiring the younger boy to take advantage of his size advantage to pound his tormentor. The mice also grew, to approximately the size of dachshund dogs, and cornered the two girls, one of whom was heard screaming later that she could see the monster under her bed peering in the window. The shed where we keep playground equipment burst into flames; sixteen windows shattered; and the effeminate boy’s teacher disappeared completely, only to turn up on the shoulder of the M25 sometime later with no idea how he’d got there.

I have not a scrap of proof that any of this mayhem was committed or caused by your daughter, but I’m  nonetheless entirely confident that this was entirely her doing. The year is almost over, and she’ll be off to a Comprehensive next year. Her present teacher is entirely in accord with my decision to simply award her A’s in all her subjects for the year, then ban her from the school property.

My best wishes to you (you’ll need them) and may God have mercy on her teachers next year.


Olive Ogilton
Head, Rokeston Junior School


5. Twelve

Dear Mr and Mrs Granger,

I’m writing to let you know that your daughter has committed a disciplinary infraction at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was caught out of bed in the Astronomy Tower at one o’clock in the morning; there was some utterly absurd story involving a kidnapped dragon. A conflict with a rival student in another House was also involved.

She will serve a detention, probably involving supervised community service in the Forbidden Forest on an evening in the next few weeks, and she has lost House points.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t be writing to parents about such a minor infraction, especially as she is usually an exemplary school citizen. (I might have gone a bit easier on her if it weren’t for the fact that wandering around Hogwarts late at night can be extremely dangerous to life and limb; in fact, I rather suspect that she might have previously stumbled across the three-headed guard dog currently on site.) However, Miss Granger seemed extremely concerned that we were considering expelling her from Hogwarts.

In fact, Miss Granger is a delight to have in class. She is already the top student in her year, and shows both exceptional intelligence and extraordinary dedication. I am quite pleased that she chose Hogwarts, and even more pleased that she was Sorted into my House. I think her fears of expulsion might be grounded in the fact that she is a muggleborn Witch who feels a certain uncertainty that this is truly where she belongs.

Should she write to you, please do reassure we have no intention whatsoever to rid ourselves of her! Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is precisely where she belongs.


Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress, Hogwarts School
Head of Gryffindor House