February 15, 2007 - Tokyo, Japan
I saw Die yesterday, saw him standing in front of the mirror wearing only what god gave him. It felt so fake, like there was nothing real about it until I watched those tears fall down his face, until I heard the sounds I never wanted to hear again fall from his lips, until the sobs wracked his body so bad he couldn't stand any longer. I watched him fall, just as I've watched him fall so many times before. But this time... this time, I couldn't catch him. I'm in no position to do anything but watch as all of our lives slip through my fingers.
I had to walk away, act like I didn't even see as he fell apart all over again. The scars... all those scars all over his beautiful body. It hurts me as much as it hurts him, but only because I know where they came from... who they came from. I suppose I should have expected it, suppose I should have engraved each wound he had that night into my mind and expected it to all come back to haunt me... to haunt him. But I didn't, instead I tried to forget, tried to push it all behind me, like a figment of my imagination.
I push my way out the door and just keep walking until I can't anymore. Hours have passed and yet I feel like I only left a few seconds ago. Something slick is coating the fingers that I clutch my arm so tightly with. When I look down, I find that it's my own blood. I've re-opened the wounds I created on New Years'. I keep doing that, opening them when I'm not paying attention. Maybe I like the feel of my blood slipping over my fingers like this, or maybe it's that I want to remind myself that I'm real... because I don't feel like I am. I feel like a sham. I feel like a doll tossed into some twisted plot from the mind of a demented five year old. But even the most demented of five year olds couldn't do this to me.
Maybe it's in my head. Everything I've watched happen, everything I've seen... it's possible it's all a lie. I shudder as the cold seeps into my bones and settles there, making a new home deep in my marrow. I'd claw it out if I thought I could reach it, but I've tried before. Over these past few months, I've tried a lot. Things I said I'd never do, places I said I'd never go. And for all of it, nothing helps. Even the 'best' high in the world can't cover the internal agony that rips me apart each and every moment I walk this tired Earth.
I pause, looking up at the screens mounted on the sides of the buildings. So many of them, each of them playing another scene, another fake world seeping out from every pixel to contaminate us all into believing in something that's never true. Act like this and you'll win the love of your life over - bogus. Use this spray and attract all the women you could ever want - nothing but a fraud. Love someone long enough and they'll see you for the person you really are - okay... so maybe they'll see you, but they'll never see the parts you bury so deeply even you can't really find them. They'll never see that deep inside you're nothing but a demon trapped in a waste of a shell.
I'm so deep inside myself that I can't even think right anymore. Every thought is turned and twisted into whatever I can make it into with the worst parts of my mind - the parts I thought only existed for stage. But then... maybe that's just it. I thought they weren't really a part of me, but they are. All along, those parts have been the truth, staring me in the face with rotting eyes and forked tongues.
Each time I think over the past year or so, all I can see is that part of myself. It's almost as if I'm looking in a mirror and it's all my fault. I raped Die, I beat him and choked him until he was barely alive - not Kaoru. I taught Kaoru to be what he was - not Kisaki. I slaughtered helpless animals - not Kisaki. And above all else, I am the failure. I am the one who deserves to die, who deserves to be taken from this world in a hellstorm of redemption.
Redemption... redemption... redemption. The thought echoes inside my mind, eating me alive until I'm on the ground, clawing at my face, ripping at my hair. It needs to come out, the thought needs to come out. Desperation setting in, it won't leave me alone. Maybe I'll die right here on the sidewalk in the middle of a million people who don't even care that I'm losing it in front of them. So many feet walking past, so many that crush parts of me and ignore that I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive and it's all his fault.
It's that thought that rips me from the ground, that brings me right back to my feet with some unearthly power. One name ringing in my ears and one purpose in my life. I'm only alive to deliver him, to deliver us to our true savior. I am no follower, no ordinary creature. I will be our Messiah - just mine and his, no one else's.
Sure steps lead me around, force my bloody fingers to find and purchase what is needed. No one asks, no one ever asks. No one comes to stop me, they never have. I used to think it was because I was Kyo, the man with the weirdness tucked deep inside. But it's not that, it never has been. It's always been that I'm something more, that my purpose in life is greater than I could have ever imagined. It's like this and it always will be... always... such a short period of time now that I stand near the end of it.
My hand reaches out and I press the bell, love coating my fingers as I caress the smooth plastic. When I pull away, it's stained with my mark, what's always been my mark. I lick more blood from my fingertips and then wipe at the bell. If someone sees it'll all be over before it starts. The taste remains in my mouth and I savor it, keep it like I always have... like I always will.
This is it, this is the end... or maybe it's the beginning. I'd laugh, but I don't feel the need to do it anymore. Cruelty exists in laughter and I'm not here to be cruel. I'm here to give what I was built to deliver, nothing more than that and nothing less.
Kisaki opens the door, his face set in an angry grimace. He's so unattractive like that. If only he'd smile a little more. I'll put a smile on his face, I know I will. He'll see his reason and then he'll smile for the rest of eternity. He'll smile like I want him to smile. But only after he's paid for his sins.
I push past him, coming into his home and heading straight for his bedroom. But something catches my eye and I detour into the living room, my mind reeling at the possibilities. He couldn't, he shouldn't... but he does. My fingers caress the large pyramid of glass. So beautiful, so strong... and already stained of the color red. I shudder, the thoughts it gives me already pushing me past the brink of where I thought I'd set the line.
There is no line. Words whispered in my mind, founded on the belief that I am something more than nothing.
The smile that caresses my face is less than pleasant, I'm sure. But he doesn't seem to notice, only coming to stand behind me. He moves and I know what's coming. It's like I know his every move before he even plans it out. The air moves beside my head as I move just an inch to the side, seeming unaffected by his attempt to hurt me. He can't hurt me. He should know that.
I turn on him, my hands forgetting the bag I'm holding and reaching out, finding that point on his neck that makes him drop faster than a fly sprayed with poison. I'd laugh, but it's not funny. Laughter is made of cruelty... I have to keep telling myself that. He crumples to the floor and I'm still grinning down at him with that smile of a thousand needles. It's only fitting. It's the way he looked as he clawed at my loved ones, his hand guiding our leader's and teaching him. I'll teach him.
I pick up my bag and empty the ropes out, binding him like the pig that he is and leaving him there on the floor. I'll do it in his bedroom, make it look like he wants what I'm going to give him. I tug anxiously at the skin of my face. That smile is still there, making me look like I've lost my mind. But I haven't, I've only just found it. I place the bag on the dresser, emptying the contents out across it.
I stand on his bed, heedless of my shoes. It doesn't matter. They'll know who did this anyway. I'll be right here for them to know when they come. I hope I don't attract them too fast. I want to finish all my plans for him, so carefully built in the solitude of my dreams. I wonder how he'll like my plans. Maybe he'll enjoy them the way Kaoru used to enjoy his abuse. My fingers tighten the bolts into the ceiling, anchoring the appropriate amount for the rope system I've set up for his body. Perfection.
I tie the end of the pulley rope off to the doorknob and go back into the living room. He's still out cold, just like he's supposed to be. I grasp the glass pyramid and head back into the bedroom with it. It's heavy, so heavy that it sinks into the bed some when I set it down. That won't do. I shove the bed to the side and grab the wooden chair from the corner, snapping off the back of it by standing on the back and pulling the legs at an odd angle. The wood shatters and I feel gratified. I place the chair back upright and rummage through the contents of my bag. Some super glue... that should work. I glue the bottom of the pyramid and stick it to the center of the chair, holding it down until when I pull nothing happens.
Satisfied, I leave the room and go to stand beside Kisaki. He's still passed out. I prod him with my foot and he doesn't respond. I hope I didn't kill him already. Leaning down, I listen for his breath, satisfied when I hear it. He'll wake up soon enough. Grasping him under the armpits, I drag his sorry ass into the bedroom, laying him on the floor and pulling the ropes down far enough to re-tie his arms, letting the old ropes fall away. I undo the ropes on his legs and then slip his pants off, tying him with the new ropes there as well.
He groans as I move away and begin to hoist him. I've made the pulley system right and it's barely any effort at all for me. It's like pulling a cat up, nothing at all. He starts to struggle and I choke back my laughter. He won't get away from me. I won't let him. I tie the rope back off to the doorknob and push the chair under him, positioning it with the pyramid in just the right place.
I take the rope back from the door and wait on him to look at me. When he does, I grin sadistically at him. "I'm here for your redemption... for ours. I'll be our Messiah." I know I'm parroting the thoughts in my mind, but it's okay. He needs to know of our fate like I do. He needs to see it through my eyes.
Kisaki smirks at me. "Do your worst."
I can see the thoughts reeling through his head. They reflect so clearly in his eyes. He thinks he'll enjoy this. But I'll prove him wrong... so very, very wrong. No one should enjoy the payment for their sins. Enjoying it would only be another sin to pay for and I can only rectify so many of them like this.
No more words are necessary, I just let him fall - the rope sliding through my hands until his scream rips through the air. I yank him back up and then put him back down, forcing the pyramid into his struggling body. I can already smell his blood overpowering my own. Satisfaction blooms inside me and I tie him off, watching as his haunted eyes find mine and he begins to beg for me to stop. I can't really hear him, the words only white noise to my ears. He doesn't really exist on the plain I'm on. He doesn't deserve to.
Kisaki calms down, stopping his struggling and I know it's time for more. His first demon has been exorcised. If I found the need for words, I'd have told him that was for his transgressions against Kaoru so many years ago. But there's little point. His mind won't register it like this, not in this state. His blood is already pooling on the chair beneath him. Maybe he's never taken it before. I suppose that's possible.
I busy myself, pulling out a long claw-like instrument and inspecting it. It's rusty, having been put up somewhere for years and ignored. I don't think the lady that sold it to me has a clue what she had. After all, it has a tag on it that says back-scratcher. Yeah, good for scratching your back if you like to be skinless, maybe. That grin is back, plastered all over my face. My eyes are burning, but I'm not sure with what - maybe tears, maybe hell and brimstone. After all, I am his deliverance.
I come up behind him, first my hands ripping his shirt free, making him cry out as he digs the tip of his fine art into his ass even more. I caress his skin, my insides shuddering and bile rising in my throat. But I need him sensitive, responsive... open to all of this, or it won't work. He needs to think I want him before I rip his skin free from his body. He relaxes into my touch and it's then that I strike, lashing out with the device and ripping a gaping wound down his side. I can hear the flesh tear over the sound of his screams.
I can't help it; I go after him with it like a kid beating a piñata to get the candy out. I want his insides all over the floor. I want him screaming until he can't scream anymore. I want him to pay for what he caused Kaoru to do to Die. I want to make it so he can never do it again. I want to free him of this demon as well.
Anger boils inside me as I rake it across everything but his spine. He needs to feel what's happening to him, he needs to be intact in that way. I want to break him into a million little pieces and let him see all of it in that fucking mirror in front of him. But he's not looking, he's never looking. I move to his legs, ripping skin and meat from bone, watching as he pours out his life on the cream colored carpet. It's beautiful... reverent in a way. Each drop is another symbol of his penance.
His struggles are still as hard as ever, the ropes twisting and the pyramid digging into his ass, ripping him apart from the inside. Ripping him the way he's ripped so many others. The claw drops to the floor with a dull thud. This is it; this is where I rip the last piece of his inner demons free. I kick the chair free, leaving him hanging there, his blood dripping to the floor and pooling in a squishy puddle there. So much of it. Maybe he'll die before I get the last demon out... maybe he won't. I hope I get it out; then he'll be free.
I reach for the pear-shaped metal object on the dresser, my hands clasping it close to me. It's precious to me. Even when I obtained it, the person thought I was crazy. But I'm not, I'm just serving my purpose. I hope she understood that. But it doesn't matter. I'm not her Messiah, only mine and Kisaki's.
I don't bother with lube. He's already prepared himself for me anyway. I hold his hip with one hand and slam the bulbous device into him with one thrust. He screams so loud I think my eardrums are going to burst and I reach out, grasping one of his ribs and yanking. If he does get out of this alive, he'll never be the same again. I've broken him beyond repair... the same way he's broken Kaoru and Die... and me.
Now I'm angry. I need this demon out. I need it out for everything he's done to my life and everyone else's. He's ruined us, left us in shambles of what we used to be. One man holding so much power... but now I hold all of it in my own two hands. In my hands.... I begin to twist the handle, one for each sin he's committed. One for Kaoru's broken spirit, one for teaching our leader the wrong ways. My heart rate speeds up. I'm waiting on him to break, waiting on this thing to do its job. One for what Kaoru did to Die that first night, one for what Kaoru did when I wasn't there. All of it was caused by Kisaki... Kaoru didn't know, he didn't have a clue what he was doing was wrong. You taught him... you and your demons taught him. One for the glass that ruined Die's life, one for the life I've lost over the past year, one for-
His screams rake across my nerves, twisting sinfully in the air around us. I can hear it; just a little more and this demon will be free. Another twist to end this. Another shattered scream breaking the walls of my mind. And then I push, I push it in until I can't push anymore, the spiked tips of it ripping as they move forward. If he doesn't die right here, he'll die in a short while. It can't be helped. This is what it took to cleanse him. I pull the handle, yanking the pear-shaped redemption device from him and tossing it to the floor.
I come in front of him and stand there, staring up into his face. He looks like he regrets it, like he finally regrets all he's done. I reach up, cupping his face with my bloody hand. "You're free, Kisaki... free from your demons. Now you can go in peace." He says nothing, his tears wetting my hand and that's all I need to wipe that demented look from my face. I'm done, my job... my point in life is done... gone. I'm useless again.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out, watching as Kisaki's chest heaves with his last, gasping breaths. My caller ID tells me it's Die. I answer it, putting the phone to my ear. "Die..."
"Where are you?" He sounds panicked, like he's truly upset that he can't find me.
"I've paid Kisaki back, given him my purpose in life." The words pour from my lips and I can't stop them. Like a dam with a perpetual leak in the side.
Die's sobbing on the other end of the phone, but I can't bring myself to be anything but mad. "Don't fucking cry for him. He's dying as we speak."
"Come home, Kyo... come home."
I hang up, muttering to myself as I step out of the room, leaving Kisaki there. I'll be back in the morning to cover up what I've done. Die needs me now. I wash up, taking my time to make sure I'm doing it right. Everything in the bathroom is followed by bleach. I'll just burn my clothes later, it'll be fine.
I peer back into the room, watching as Kisaki writhes a few more times and then goes limp. I turn away before he can fully die, not wanting to watch what happens in death. I'll just clean it up in the morning. I head out the door, making my way back home.
Once I'm there, I take a shower and put my clothes in a trash bag. Die's waiting for me in our room, Kaoru asleep in the other. I settle in next to Die and he pulls me close. "He paid, Die... he paid for it all. I showed him his redemption and soon I'll get mine."
He just holds me close, his tears wetting my skin. I wonder if I'll even wake up in the morning. Maybe he'll be my Messiah for what I've done, for what I've taken upon myself to enact. The thought comforts me, shows me that I won't have to be my own. I hold him as close as I can, a soft smile lighting my face. My love, my light... my sweeper of sins.