My eyes follow your form as you retreat into the night. You're walking away from me for what's probably the last time. Why is it that I couldn't find the words I needed to say? I've kept this all bottled up inside, a secret to tear my soul in two. Tears don't cloud my eyes, because I've already cried too many over you. Or maybe I should say the lack of you.
Something in the air feels completely wrong. I know it's just my imagination, but all the same it sends shivers down my spine. I wrap my arms around my thin torso, gripping the all too sheer fabric of my shirt tighter around me. It's a warm night, but I'm frozen to the core. A chill built by me, for you.
Stranger things have happened when I let myself dwell upon you. I've found myself alone in a crowd, locked in an open room, and crying tears that do not come. Empty sobs from a shattered and broken heart. Why is it that love is so relentless that I cannot find another path without you?
Everything's going down at once. Our band, broken apart. My heart, walking away. Our friendship, something only attached by the title and not by the strings I wish were true. If only it were more. If only I were more. Maybe then you wouldn't be leaving me forever.
But then, you don't see it like that, do you? You don't think you're leaving me in the midst of my own internal hell. You're just doing what we've all got to do. Eventually everything ends and today is our time.
I can't help but wonder what it'd be like, if I could have just opened my mouth and told you. If I'd spilled my heart and soul in your lap. Would you have laughed? Would you have thrown it back in my face? Or would you have cherished it and kept me warm every night?
Rain begins to fall, a gentle shower, reminding me of the first time we ever met. A warm night, the slightest bit of rain, and the light from an all-night cafe. I almost want to relive that night. Maybe I'd walk away rather than join you. Change my mind and avoid the pain. But deep down I know I'd do it all over again, just to have you close for even a moment.
I reach up and push my blonde bangs back from my face and raise my face to the sky, slowly bringing my arms out to my sides. There I remain, letting the sky cry the tears that I cannot, letting the night take me in. Such a pitiful excuse for a man.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
I sit alone in my empty living room, staring at the blank white walls. It's devoid of character, just like me. A part of a whole and nothing but that.
I'm moving. I can't stand the memories here anymore. They've been keeping me up at night, haunting me during every waking hour. It's like I'm not even capable of moving forward without you in my life.
I want to see you again. Even if it's just for a moment, it's the only wish I truly have. I wish you'd come to tell me everything's going to be all right, that you feel in return the way I feel for you. That together we can fall away.
The floorboards creak as I shift my position, pulling my legs up to my chest and holding them close. I rest my cheek against the fabric of my sleep pants and finally the tears I've so longed for come.
Without you, I am but dust in the wind.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
My thumbs rush over the keys, quickly typing out the message to you on my phone. I can't back down, I can't let go. I have to tell you, even if it is the last possible second. I'll tell you and then disappear. It's all I can do. My final goodbye.
Zero, I wish I could have said this sooner, but I couldn't find voice for the words. Since the day I first met you, I've thought the world of you. You've been my light in the dark, my savior in my times of need, and more than that, the man I've grown to care more about that you'll ever know. I wish I could take my feelings back, but I can't let go. I can't let go of you. I'm leaving now, so I can finally tell you... I love you. This is goodbye. ~Yura
I send the message with trembling fingers, my heart in my throat. I close my eyes and slide the cover shut on my phone. I'm actually shaking, as though it's twenty below outside. But I'm inside and it's hot.
My train arrives and I grab the handle of my small bag, and head toward the platform. As I board, my phone vibrates and I'm not sure I want to know what he says. But I slide the cover back open and the text appears, bright on the screen in front of me.
It's so simple and so very him. But that alone is enough and I bolt from the train, just as the doors are sliding closed. I have to yank my bag free and for a moment I think I might lose it. But then it's popped free and I'm sprinting for the stairs.
I have no idea where I'm going or why. I just know away isn't the answer.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
I'm in a hotel near your apartment. I know it seems odd, but I've already gotten rid of my apartment and in Tokyo it takes months to find a new one. I'm closer to you just because I still haven't found the guts to answer the phone when you call. I'm trying to work up the nerve to go and see you, to accept whatever comes my way.
For the millionth time today, my phone begins to ring. It's the song you composed that we never used. I wonder what you'd say if you knew it's what I use. I wonder what you'd say if you knew it makes me cry. I close my eyes and hum along, waiting on it to end.
Only this time, you keep calling, over and over. Maybe you think if you annoy me enough I'll answer. And you're probably right. I'm already close to answering.
Five times and then you text me. This is new....
I know you're there. Just answer me... please. I don't want to have to talk like this. I need to hear your voice speak the truth.
I stare at the words, wondering if the way my heart skips a beat is a sign. Is this real? I sincerely hope it is. My phone rings again and this time I answer.
"Jesus, Yura, I've been so worried." Your voice sounds genuinely distressed. I didn't mean to freak you out. Maybe you took my goodbye the wrong way. I didn't mean it like that, I hope you know.
"I'm sorry." My apology sounds so sad. I can even hear the fear and despair in my voice. If I can hear it, can you?
"I need to see you. Where are you?"
I swallow hard, deliberating if I really want to do this face-to-face. It's only a moment's deliberation, as I already know I can't live without seeing you at least once more. I need you. "Do you remember the hotel I stayed in when I first came here to meet up with you for the band?"
I can hear your breath catch and then you whisper your reply. It sends a pleasant shiver through me. "Yes, I do.... I'll be there. What room?"
"Same old room, same old me." I can't believe I've said it, but I have.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
It's almost twenty minutes before there's knocking on my door. It sounds urgent, verging on frantic.
I slowly stand up and go to answer it, trying my best to look composed and not nearly as horrible as I truly feel. I wonder if I manage? I pull the door open and you're standing there, your hair dripping wet, your jacket hanging on your arm. I take you in like that, loving the way the water clings to the silver strands in your hair.
I step back and let you in, shutting the door and going to get a towel for your hair. Not a word passes between us. I'm too afraid to talk and I guess you're waiting on me to speak first.
I hand you the towel and you pull me toward you with it, yanking me down onto your lap on the bed. I gasp in surprise and you smile gently at me as your fingers thread through my hair. You're so gentle and I can't help but close my eyes as your hand slides down my neck.
My breath comes fast and short, yours is steady and confident. I arch into your touch as your hand ventures down my chest. And then your lips are on mine and I let out the most appealing sounding mewl. Your tongue swipes over my lower lip and I part, just for you, eager to see how far you'll take this. The instant your tongue dives into my mouth, I'm hopelessly lost in your arms. I'm yours to do with as you please. What all will you take? Everything, I can only pray.
You shift our position and I end up lying on top of you on the bed. Your hands are on my hips and you arch up against me. I moan softly at the friction, already wanting more. You read me like an open book, turning us so that I'm on the bed and you're over me, slowly grinding your hips down on mine.
Your lips part from mine and you slick your tongue down my neck. I gasp and my body trembles beneath you. I can feel your smile against my skin and it mirrors itself upon my own. Your skilled hands grasp my shirt and push it upward. I struggle out of it and toss if off the bed. I stare up at you and wonder what alternate reality I've come crashing down into that I get to have you like this. All my own and just as perfect as ever.
You're staring into my eyes and I can't look away. There's something there that's so familiar and yet I've never really registered it as anything but the look you've always given me. But tonight I see it clearly. You want me and maybe, just maybe, you love me the way I love you. The words slip past my lips before I can even think of holding them in. "I love you...."
That smile of yours reappears and instantly mends my heart. You kiss me again, this time with even more passion than before. You kiss me until my head spins and I grow hard. I push up against you, almost begging with my actions. I need this. Oh, please, I need you. Let me have this. Just for tonight, let there be us.
You pull away from my lips and side one hand down my bare side, sliding it in to rest on my hipbone. I almost miss your words, but once I know you've spoken, it hits me exactly what you've said.
"And I you."
I'm whole. Complete. Together we can make this right. My version of reality floats away and this dream replaces it. A dream no longer. Reality wrapped in the sweetness of you.
I reach out and push my hands into your wet hair, pulling you down and kissing you hard. When I let go, you draw back, a slightly surprised look on your face and I blush. "I want you... I've waited so long."
There's a glimmer in your eyes and then your lips are on mine again. This time your fingers find the buttons on my jeans and rid me of them. I'm not wearing anything under them, I never am. Easier access when I'm thinking of you.
Your fingers grasp me and I cry out, startled and pleased. Your touch is so gentle, but it's exactly what I need. My sex jerks in your hand and you ghost a kiss across my jaw. "You're beautiful."
My hands are still tangled in your hair and it's all I can do to not pull you down and beg you to take me. I moan as you grip me harder and quicken your pace. My hips arch toward you and you groan against my neck. You're getting off on touching me. Could it get any better than this?
You let go of me and sit up just long enough to tug your belt free and undo your pants, shoving your boxers out of the way. I let out the most erotic moan I've ever heard myself make as you reveal yourself to me. You're beyond perfection. I let go of what little of your hair I still have in one hand and reach out for you. You push your hips forward, sliding your cock into my hand. You're so smooth and warm. I've never touched another man, but it's not unpleasant.
My touches are impatient and almost feverish. Your moans fill the room. My cock throbs and I whimper, missing your touch. You must have heard me over yourself, because you pull back, readjusting and then you straddle me, leaning down on one arm over me as you bring us together. Your cock brushes mine and I gasp at the sensation.
Your intention is clear, written in your actions as you reach down and hold my cock to yours. You begin to thrust and I can't hold back. My hips meet yours, thrust for thrust. Soon we're both panting and you're groaning my name in the sweetest way. I can feel my orgasm boiling inside of me. I'm just on the cusp, just a little more - and then I'm cumming, screaming your name as I do. You're quick to follow me over the edge, as though just the feeling of my warmth spilling on you is enough to shove you into bliss.
We lay there panting into the night, you above me and I below you. I cling to you as though if I let go, you might vanish, like so many other nights when I'm on my own. But you're there and you don't even try to leave. For the longest time, we just breathe. And then you place the lightest of kisses on my neck, just below my ear and you whisper all that I ever need to hear.
"I love you."