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The Fanfic to End All Fanfics

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Ariana sat in front of her laptop in a state of shock. Her mouth went dry as she tried to keep down her dinner. She wanted to cry, scream, or kill a bunny. Shaking herself out of her stupor she turned and hit her head against her wardrobe, repeatedly.

"Why?" Bang. "Must." Bang. "People." Bang. "Be so." Bang. "Stupid!" Slam.

She groaned as the last bang connected with the wardrobe a little too forcefully. She rubbed her head as she frowned. "I really fear for the future of our species." With a shudder she exited out of the story and began searching the contents of her favorite fanfiction site. Another story would certainly get that monstrosity off of her mind. As she scanned each summary and swiftly skipped each link, she began to panic. The damn story had caused some kind of traumatic reaction. She couldn't read another fanfiction for the rest of the night! She growled. Somebody was going to pay!

She began pacing the room, contemplating different ways to annihilate the author of the cursed fanfic. Her plotting was quickly cut short when she realized that the anonymity of the website meant she would never really know who the author was. She couldn't even complain about the story because no one knew that she read and wrote fanfiction.

"Curse you horrible anonymous writer!" she shouted, falling dramatically to her knees. The resulting carpet burn allowed some version of reality to creep back into her mind and she pulled out her cell phone. There was one person she could talk to. She quickly sent a text to her brother asking if he had heard of the story. The minutes ticked by as she waited for his response.

She had all but given up hope when a sound from her phone startled her. She grinned when she realized her brother had responded.

No, should I?

She quickly explained what had transpired minutes ago and the traumatizing effects it was having. She waited fifteen minutes without a response. He had probably rolled his eyes and deleted her message. Jerk. Ariana groaned and hit her head-yet again-against the wall. Why did she think he would understand? He had given up fanfiction years ago!

Crumpling to the floor, she resigned herself to being forced into a life void of fanfiction. There was nothing she could do. She would continue to write of course, but how could she ever read another fanfic? Her life would be empty. Damn her curiosity! This time it really had killed the metaphorical cat.

A brilliant idea suddenly popped into her head. She even thought she saw the faint outline of a light bulb hovering above her. Jumping up, she raced to her dresser and dug to the bottom of the top drawer. With a triumphant smile she pulled out a golden pen. It was the magical tool that any truly insane author had in his or her storage. With a wicked grin she thought about her destination before disappearing.

The dog that had been lying on the bed, ignoring his human's apparent distress, suddenly looked into the spot she had disappeared from. He had definitely heard a pop. He looked around and noticed his human had once again left him alone. With a sigh he dropped his head back onto the mattress. He was used to the human's insanity and was no longer impressed or bothered by it.


Harry and Draco sat on the couch, one on each end. Draco was stretched out reading a text book on potion making and Harry was pouting at the other end, disgruntled at being ignored. The past few months had been rather interesting. Ever since that strange girl had abducted them and forced them to comment on impossible scenarios, Draco and Harry had begun a hesitant relationship. Tonight Harry had cooked Draco his favorite meal, but he was getting no love from his boyfriend. Apparently some complication had arisen at the blond's work, hence his full attention on the potions text. His boss had given him only a week to find a potion that would resolve the problem. Harry suspected that Hermione might have the knowledge tucked away in that vast brain of hers, but he wisely kept this opinion to himself. He was desperate to garner some attention from the blond, and was about to put that desperation to work when their quiet evening was suddenly interrupted.

A loud pop was heard before a young woman was unceremoniously dumped onto the couch. Draco was jostled from his reading and Harry nearly jumped out of his skin. "What the bloody hell!" they both exclaimed, though Harry would later claim that he did not swear.

The young woman sorted herself out before looking at the pair in relief. She immediately jumped from the couch and began pacing. "Oh thank god, it actually worked. I've never tried implanting myself in the story; I always bring the characters to me. But this worked!" She twirled a gold pen between her fingers before sticking it beneath the rubber band holding her ponytail. "You guys have to help me," she said, never ceasing her pacing. "I cannot get this damn story out of my head, and it's ruining my relaxing evening." She paused, seeming to gather her nerve. "Okay, before I even get to the actual plot—if you can call it that—let's just talk the technical stuff. First of all, this girl has apparently never had a grammar course in her life! I would claim she was a three-year-old but she would have to be one fucked up three-year-old to write this shit. But anyway, she also can't spell to save her life. I don't think she's even sounding out the words. And don't get me started on the sentence structure!"

Draco looked like he was going to say something, but Harry cut him off with a panicked look. This woman was obviously deranged, and if she kept talking he might find a distracted opening in which he could disarm her. He wasn't sure the woman was armed, but he glanced at the pen warily. Draco seemed to understand and nodded, though he wasn't happy about it.

"I mean it's obviously a self-insertion fic. I hate it when authors do that without some kind of warning. And then she goes into every detail of what she's wearing and not even a drunkenly high Goth actually comes up with that shit."

Drunkenly high Goth? Draco mouthed. Harry just shook his head.

"And then she creates a character for who I assume is her best friend. But it's really more of a cameo role. And then she and Draco go on a date for a muggle band! Did I mention she was a vampire? What vampire eats cereal in a bowl of blood? Even Edward Cullen isn't that stupid. And like Draco would touch anything remotely muggle! Then she and Draco get it on in what is probably the worst sex scene I have ever had the misfortune to read before Dumbledore catches them and cusses at them! Because that is soooo conceivable. Well, obviously it's conceivable since she conceived it." She paused in her pacing and shook her head. "Whoa, I think I just blew my own mind."

Harry chose this moment to cut off the woman's rant. "Is there someone we can call for you?"

The woman stared at him blankly. "What?"

"Who the hell are you?" Draco exploded.

The woman frowned. Harry couldn't blame her; that was rather rude of the blond. Then again, she was the one who had invaded their quiet evening. How did she get through the wards? The house was supposed to be unplottable!

That was going to be his next question but he realized she was actually answering Draco.

"—Ariana. Good grief, I only got the two of you together!"

Draco groaned and collapsed onto the sofa. "I thought we were rid of you!"

Harry shook his head in fear as recognition hit him. There were so many questions to ask. "Why do you look different?" Admittedly that should not have been the first question he asked. By the look on Draco's face, he thought the same way.

Ariana frowned as she inspected her clothes. "Dammit! I forgot to alter my appearance! This is my damn story; I should get to look however I want!" She sighed. "Well, there's no help for it now. Whatever. I just wish I could get my hand on that damn author! She's got my mind all messed up."

Harry suspected Ariana's mind had been messed up long before whatever author she was talking about. "Wait a minute," he said in sudden realization. "Is this about more of those 'stories'?"

Ariana nodded. "This one was truly horrible. I couldn't finish it, no matter how fatal my curiosity is for internet jokes."

"So I got it on with a vampire?"

Harry stared at Draco. The blond had actually been listening to the rant?

The woman collapsed into an armchair. "Yeah, I think. I'm not really sure how far it got because the scene was written so horribly."

Draco shivered. "That's just so disgusting."

"That's not even the worst of it! You were so OOC!"

"What's an ook?" asked Harry.

"Out of character. I mean, I'm not claiming to be a terrific writer, and sometimes the ways I portray my characters are a little different from canon, but I would never turn Draco into some kind of sensitive marshmallow!"

"Draco can be sensitive," Harry said tentatively, feeling he should at least try to defend his boyfriend.

"Potter, please, don't ruin my reputation."

Harry huffed. So much for chivalry.

"Chivalry's dead!" Ariana snapped.

Green eyes widened. Could she read his mind?

"Of course I can read your mind," the woman said, grinning. "I am the Authoress."

The way she said it, he just knew there was a capital A.

Suddenly Ariana jumped up from the chair and smiled. "Well, I feel tons better! Thanks for letting me vent."

"Oh, anytime," Draco said sarcastically.

"How did you get here, anyway?" Harry asked. "This place is supposed to be heavily warded." He tried to get an awareness of the house's wards, but nothing seemed amiss.

The woman smirked as she pulled the pen out of her ponytail. "An author never gives away all her secrets." With a wink and a pop, she was gone.

Draco shook his head. "That woman is a nut job."

Harry nodded in agreement before smiling to himself. Now he was sure to have Draco's full attention. "Forget about her," he said, sliding his arms around Draco's shoulders. "I'm sure we can find ways to put this past half-hour behind us."

Draco smirked as he caught on to the hint. He leaned in for a kiss, only to have silver glitter explode in his face.

"Oh for crying out loud," Harry exclaimed. He bent down and picked up a note that had fallen from the small explosion.

"Is it from that crazy woman?" Draco asked. "What's it say?"

"The Authoress does not write lemons," Harry read.

"How does one write a lemon?" Draco asked.

"I'm not sure. Maybe she's obsessed with citrus fruit?"

Before the situation could be resolved the cursed fourth wall grew dark.

Out of the darkness a door appeared. The door opened and a young woman waved with a grin.

"Obsessed with citrus?" Ariana repeated in amusement. "They have no idea."

She hummed to herself as she looked around. "This is rather strange. I've effectively broken the fourth wall—again—and I can't see my audience. Either I'm completely alone or the fourth wall does not show the audience when it's coming from a story. Since I'm not sure, please leave me a review." She shrugged. "Or not. I hope someone found this amusing. I'd hate to be the only person with my sense of humor. If you did like it and leave a review, I will give you bacon!"

The previously forgotten dog appeared in the doorway. "Did someone say bacon?"

"Holy shit, a talking dog!"

The dog dead-panned, which is apparently possible for a dog. He gently backed the author out of the doorway and let the door shut behind them.

Lights fade.

The end.