John Smith walked into Lincoln Hospital, scanning his Healthfirst card ($299 / month) at the door and going to his PCP, Hotep Jackson. Dr Jackson took one look at Smith's lime green face and said: I need to test your liver enzyme levels". The gold-chain and ankh wearing doctor jabbed an iNeedle into Smith's arm and the genius loci, Siri, said: "You have liver cirrhosis from drinking too many 40s".
Jackson told Smith: There's only one solution to this problem, Smitty, and that's NuLiver". Smith said: "What's NuLiver?"
"NuLiver is a new Apple product that replaces the liver. When you have drunk too much liquor in your lifetime your liver peters out and it has to be replaced. Back in the 21st century, we used to use livers from either dead people i.e. duppies or, later in the century, lime green radioactive hogs, manbearpigs, and hogmen. But now, we have NuLiver which is more effective than conventional livers."
"Is NuLiver covered by my Healthfirst insurance, which is "required" by law so that the government can deny that it's a tax?"
"No, but it's an even better bargain because it's only $29 per month."
"For how many months do you have to pay this amount?"
"I don't know, but it's only $29 a month, which is less than you pay for butthext messaging. It's allegedly an adjustable rate liver."
"All right, well if it keeps me from turning green then I guess it works."
"How do you insert it?"
"The same way we insert any Apple (TM) NuOrgan, and that's up your ass. Drop trou" Dr Jackson took a modified enema bulb and stuck it in Smith's hairy butthole. Immediately, Smith got a sensation of something expanding in his butt, like dry, hard poop going backwards.
"Ow," he said.
Soon it disappeared and appeared in his stomach. He heard a chomping sound, presumably NuLiver eating his existing liver, and then felt a new liver thrumming where his liver used to be. Surprisingly, Smith felt like a new man.
Smith was driving around in his hot pink Miata, humming along to the new hit song by the 5 year old, child prodigy rapper Tucker Max who had just dropped his new album, "Great Books for Men":
"One cock rule, one cock rule, I aint no beta fool, I aint no beta tool" when his phone went beep beep beep and he hit it. Siri, the genius loci of all Apple products, said, Your payment of $29.99 is due for NuLiver. If you do not make this payment, then NuLiver's offer may be terminated and you will have to pay additional re-activation charges.
Smith was like, fuck that. They can't take NuLiver from me, it's in my body. So he ignored it and kept drinking Olde English while driving his Miata through the moonscape of Yuengling Estate, the town where he lived on Mars. He passed by Rolling Rock hills and turned onto Sam Adams road, then to the St. Ides projects where he lived.
He pulled into Block D of the St. Ides projects and took the piss-reeking elevator up to his nest-like apartment. As he stumbled into the pile-filled hole, he felt a sharp pain in his liver area. Owww. Goddamn it, must've been that last beer. Siri piped up and said: Your NuLiver is now being repossessed until you pay additional re-activation charges.
Smith shrugged, and reached into the fridge for some more beer. He turned on the TV to watch the Lakers, and slammed back a few brewskis. Immediately, he started getting an immediate feeling of nausea. He ran to the bathroom and puked, missing the toilet by a mile. The inside of the bathroom looked like the locker room of a model agency before Fashion Week. His puke was lime green, the sure sign of having no liver at all.
Oh shit, this shit is about to get real. Siri piped up again: If you would like to reactivate your NuLiver subscription, please sign here and all additional charges will be deducted immediately from your account. Gritting his teeth, Smith signed with the iPen. Immediately, he felt his liver growing back and breathed a sigh of relief as the alcohol hit his bloodstream and the greenness leached out of his face.