The first girlfriend Chip Tolentino ever has is two years older than him at 15 and the reason he didn't even place in the county spelling bee. Marigold Coneybear kisses him just enough to give him more unfortunate erections before she giggles and whispers she has to be home.
Meeting her parents is no different.
It's miserable but she kisses him with her arms wrapped around his neck right before she lets him into her home. Her siblings — he doesn't even try to count how many, he just looks around for Leaf — barely acknowledge him. Her father shakes his hand too hard and her mother smiles and gives him a warm hug.
Luckily, she doesn't hug long enough to feel his problem.
"Hi, sir, ma'am, I'm Chip. It's nice to finally meet you — "
"No need to be formal, Chip. Marigold and Leaf have told us plenty about you. Besides, we remember you from the bee," her mother says in this perfectly mother-like voice.
One of her brothers snickers, "yeah, you and your erection."
Marigold winks at him because not much has changed since then.
The first boyfriend Chip Tolentino ever has is, unfortunately, the brother of his first and now ex-girlfriend. In fact, Leaf Coneybear is exactly why Chip breaks up with Marigold. Leaf and his soft hair to grab and his softer lips to kiss.
Chip is pretty sure he shouldn't re-meet Mrs. and Mr. Coneybear to tell them he dumped their daughter for their son and his stupidly warm laugh but he ends up doing it anyways. It makes Marigold groan too loud and run up to her shared bedroom and Landscape (one of Leaf's brothers) pound his hand into his fist.
His boyfriend holds his hand and kisses his cheek anyways.
"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Coneybear ... You remember me, right?" Unfortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Coneybear do remember him.
(Afterwards, Leaf makes out with him very happily in the park as an apology. Chip forgives him.)
Marcy Park will very adamantly tell you she has never dated Chip Tolentino because she is gay and, anyways, she has a crush on their friend Olive. Chip, however, likes to consider Marcy to be his second girlfriend.
He kisses her at an amusement park when he's 14 and she doesn't hit him or push him off, she just tells him that their friends are coming back from getting food.
When he meets Marcy's parents, they're with their friends again. Her mother is disapproving and her father is cold, like she'd described them. Unlike Leaf (who has no hard feelings about their breakup) and Marigold (who does), Marcy has no siblings to hate him or threaten him.
"Hi, Mrs. Park, I'm Chip. I think we met at the spelling bee but I don't know if you remember me," he smiles with a hand out.
"I only remember the finalists," she says, glaring at her daughter.
Marcy rolls her eyes and asks Olive if she wants anything to eat while looking at her like she hung the moon and the stars and Chip decides she's broken up with him.
He dates William Barfee next and it's as strange and sudden as it sounds. It's a kiss and they're dating secretly but not secretly enough for William to say he doesn't need to meet his real mom and his dad.
(Apparently his fake mom won't like Chip anyways.)
"Hi, I'm Chip. Will has told me a lot about you."
It turns out William hasn't told his parents that Chip is his boyfriend — they still think he likes Olive Ostrovsky and that Chip is dating Leaf Coneybear.
Communication and being public, William and Chip quickly decide, are important in a relationship. They break up, but not before Chip discovering he's the alpha male in intimate situations too.
(No, they will not tell their friends they dated. Ever.)
The next boy Chip dates is not one of his friends as that seems to not work out so well for him. Peter Addams looks at him the same way Marcy Park looks at Olive Ostrovsky and kisses him the same way Leaf Coneybear did two years ago. And his parents actually like Chip, which is a nice change.
However, Chip's friends vehemently detest Peter Addams and his clear blue eyes.
Olive is the first to say anything. To which Logainne accuses her of being a homophobe. "Olive, I expected better from you! Anti gay!"
"No, Logainne, I don't dislike him because he's gay, I don't even think he's gay — please, please let me finish. I don't like him because he groped me when I hugged him," the brunette shivers.
With that, none of them like Peter Addams or his left hand.
"Pete, hey, look. I really like you but we need to talk." Talking ends with several hickeys and a postponed break up.
As it turns out, Chip Tolentino is 16 when he gets as close to actually dating Marcy Park as he ever will, considering she's gay. Her ex-almost-but-not-quite-official-so-not-really-ex-girlfriend (as well as William's ex-girlfriend) says yes and holds his hand when he asks her out. It's sixth months before Olive even brings up the idea of meeting her parents.
Chip is not at all thrilled at the idea. It takes her a chaste-kiss-turned-not-chaste make out session on the swings to get him to agree after all his bad luck with parents.
She blushes when she realizes it's given him a hard on and mumbles that he can come over for dinner on Tuesday.
"Hi, Mr. Ostrovsky, it's nice to meet you, sir, I'm Chip." Unfortunately, Mr. Ostrovsky remembers very specifically watching Olive act out Chip's elimination and is not at all hesitant to tell Mrs. Ostrovsky about it.
Mr. and Mrs. Ostrovsky then decide they have an errand to run — he's never had parents dislike him enough to actually leave their house to avoid him. Olive, however, tells him it's normal for them to just leave her alone like that and takes him up to her room to play Mario Kart as an apology.
And then her apology turns into how she loses her virginity.
(He spells tittup into her ear after they're done with the cockiest smirk she's ever seen.)
Leaf Coneybear, unfortunately, notices the way Olive almost limps the next day as they get ice cream. Her face turns bright red and Logainne is the first to actually say it. "You're not a virgin anymore! But you're still pro-choice, right?"
"Logainne!" Olive almost shrieks, jumping away from her boyfriend.
Chip grins, winking at her, "so, meeting the parents was actually okay for once."
Except for the part where they hate him even more than Leaf's parents do.