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Because I was A Fool

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Jonathan watched on brokenheartedly as the younger man trailed a finger slowly down Evan’s chest, flashing a pearly white smile as he whispered something into his ear, and the two broke out in laughter, before Evan wrapped his long slender fingers around the guy’s arm, flashing him a warm smile, the same smile he used on Jonathan, before leading him off to somewhere, hands following down the length of his back.

Jonathan looked down, a sour feeling in his mouth as he blinked, refusing to let the tears fall, to let Evan destroy their love like this. 

He wasn’t going to break in front of all of these people all because he made the stupid mistake of falling for Evan, the person who he thought was the one. 

 He knew what he was getting himself into when he finally came to terms that he loved his best friend, he understood that he could’ve ruined everything they had built with each other over the past years just because of his silly feelings. 

Yet he took the leap, eyes blindly closed without a regard of the consequences of his actions and now he was here, watching the man he loved go off with someone that wasn’t him for the fifth time. 

He turned around, shaking his head as he wondered if this was a mistake, was loving Evan a mistake? Was confessing his feelings the right thing to do, because he was damn sure that right now, it was the most terrible thing he ever thought of. Was he not good enough for him? Was all those words Evan had whispered to him at night, all of their memories, their kisses, their goddamn love, just a game for him? 

The low rumbling of thunder sounded overhead followed by the rush of rain and he walked out into it, letting the rain beat down on him. He dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders shaking violently as a throaty sob forced its way out of his throat. Any anger he had once felt had faded, and he felt nothing but a dull ache in his chest. 

He couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. Everything he knew was fading into a blanket of darkness and hopelessness, and he felt it in his chest like a terrible, heart clenching ache. And he wondered why he let himself become so dependent Evan, yet he knew the answer in the back of his mind. 

His hands clenched into fists again and again, and he needed someone to talk to, to vent, to confess, so he dialed Luke, the ringing of the phone loud and sharp in his ear, and at the first sound of his best friend voice he crumbled.

“Jonathan? Jonathan, brother what’s wrong?!” His voice was frantic and urgent as he listened to the muffled cries of his friend. 

There was silence for a few minutes, and it ate away at Luke as he paced the room, until he heard’s Jonathan voice.

“Luke, I’m a goddamn fool.” He whispered, his voice thick. His eyes casted upwards, looking as the dark clouds rolled through the sky, lightening ducking in and out it as thunder shook around him, and it matched his feelings and thoughts. “I’m a fool for loving Evan. I’m a fool for thinking he’d ever feel the same as I felt for him. After all those times he had walked off with other guys and girls, throwing my feelings down the drain. All those goddamn times, yet I fucking kept on like the fool I was, feeding into his fucking lies of “I love you”s. Bullshit.” He said pensively. 

Luke sighed, his mind reeling as he thought of what to say, because in reality there was nothing he could try and say to make this better, to make him think otherwise, and Jonathan needed to face the truth that Evan wasn’t the on for him. 

“Jonathan… you know what you need to do. What you need to come to terms too, and that’s that Evan isn’t the one for you. Why would you want to stay with a scumbag who takes your feelings as nothing but a game?” 

Jonathan grew defensive, blurting out that Evan was a scumbag before realizing what he said. He laughed to himself dryly, because he was in so goddamn deep, so goddamn far and there was no saving him. He couldn’t let Evan go, he couldn’t just toss what they might have away as bad as he wanted to. He was still defending him like the idiot he was.

“Luke.. I. I know, I fucking know okay? I just, you don’t understand, how fucking hard it is. This isn’t fucking easy, and you know just as much as I do that I fell too fast, I fell too hard for him, and I jus-” He stopped when he heard a melodic laughter rung through the air again, only belonging to one person, and his back went rigid as he sucked in a breath. 

“I have to go, I guess I’ll call you later.” He didn’t give Luke a chance to say anything as he ended the call. Standing up, he looked back to see Evan striding towards him, hands stuffed in his pockets, a gleam in his eyes before catching sight of Jonathan.

Jonathan shuffled towards him, refusing to meet his eye because he was scared he was going to break down in front of him. He mumbled out a hey as he came nearer, pretending to be occupied with his phone. 

“Hey. Why are you standing out here in the rain?” Evan slipped off his jacket, tugging it around Jonathan’s shoulders. His entire body was drenched, and he didn’t need him catching a cold. 

Jonathan’s heart stuttered and his emotions battled in a frenzy. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing that Evan wouldn’t act so caring and loving around him because it made it that much harder for him to leave. A tear slid out, and Jonathan was grateful for the rain hiding his tears. 

“No reason. I just wanted to come out here and think.” His voice wavered, and he clamped his mouth shut. 

Don’t break Jonathan, god not in front of him.

Evan furrowed his eyes, sensing something was wrong and he grabbed Jonathan’s chin gently, tipping it upwards so he could look at him. “What’s wrong? Something’s wrong Jonathan, tell me.”

You’re a cheating bastard but I’ve falling too in love with you to do anything about it and I’m a fool for thinking you would ever love me.

A thick lump settled in his throat as he assured him that nothing was wrong, that he was fine and could they just go home because he was tired. Evan knew something was wrong, but he left it alone, not wanting to push it as he lead them back to the car.

Jonathan stayed a few inches behind him, his heart heavy and his world spiraling uncontrollably. His eyes picked up on Evan’s tousled hair, and a light reddish bruise peeked out from underneath his shirt and Jonathan wished he could just leave, to just go, because this was too much, too goddamn much to handle. 

And so he turned, heart pounding against his chest as it slowly started to ch his feet pounding on the ground as he wiped the tears away, ignoring the yells of Evan behind him, and he could only think, Am I just a fool? Blind and stupid for loving you, Am I just a silly girl? So young and naíve to think you were the one.