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Dinosaur Pains

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The mother Pteranodon was lying in her nest, alone with her lover, who was not her husband. Her husband was also present in the nest. He was having trouble ignoring the ear-piercing moans coming from the consensual adultery happening right before his eyes. He thought back to the conversation they'd had two years prior.

"I would like this to be an open relationship," she said.

"What?" he said.

"Thank you for understanding."

That was two years ago. And every night for those past two years, he had had to deal with affair after affair. It was only after the incident with the T-Rex that she actually started taking birth control. "That was some powerful seed," he thought as he watched his half-son rolling around in his sleep, dangerously close to the edge of the cliff that was their home. The altitude gave his wife a rush.

The huskily-built blue triceratops groaned sexually in D minor as he emptied his prostate into the green female's genital slit. The last thing the father Pteranodon felt before drifting off to sleep were two stray droplets on his behind. He never asked for this.

He woke up the next morning to the "beautiful" sound of Tiny's screechy falsetto. She was singing a freestyle rap about the number of men her mom had fucked in the past month, only driving the point home even more.

"Good morning, Shiny. Tiny. I can't remember your names. Fuck."

"Good morning, daddy," Tiny said as she pooped an egg on her depressed father's head. "Mom says this is called ovulation."

"Great, honey," her dad said in a monotone voice as the yolk dripped down his cheeks.

Something entirely different dripped down Mom's cheeks as she removed her beak from the rectum of a velociraptor. "You are well-trained in the art of lovemaking," she whispered.

Buddy woke up reflexively. "Did somebody say train?!" he yelled, waking up the rest of his family. All four siblings began repeating the word "train" louder and louder.

Mom pushed her mate away and spun round, throwing flakes of dried semen into the eyes of her kin. "Ready to go on the Dinosaur Train?"

Dad sighed. "We go there every single fucking day. Why can't we ever do what I want to do?"

Mom narrowed her eyes. "No, I go there every day, because I actually care about our kids learning shit. All you do is sit at home, jack off and drink."

"Maybe I wouldn't have to jack off and drink so much if you put out every once in a while."

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm intimate with you! Remember just last year when you took me to DaVinci's and we ate rotini out of each other's mouths!"

"Yeah, and then you banged the waiter. On the table."

The velociraptor wasn't sure he should be hearing this.

"He was being more affectionate to me than you were," Mom continued.

"I'm affectionate all the goddamn time! You barely acknowledge all the things I do for you."

"You barely acknowledge Buddy as a living thing."


Tiny had been pondering something. She inquired with her sibling. "What does 'jack off' mean?" she wondered aloud.

Buddy grinned and responded instantly. "I have a hypothesis."

Mom put a wing to Buddy's toothy mouth. "OKAY, who's ready?"

Two of the children rose to the air elegantly, one rose with the help of his mother, and Don's underbite was so massive it was a miracle he could even hold himself up, much less fly.

They would have gotten there in ten minutes if Don wasn't such a fuck up. As it was, it took them a full two hours just to get to the train station.

The conductor tooted the train's horn in genuine gaiety. He turned to the several elderly passengers. "Good news, everyone! Looks like the Pteranodon family is finally cutting us a break. We'll actually be able to make it to our intended destination without making a long-ass detour in another fucking time period."

The passengers cheered, and the crew sighed in relief. One began breaking out the champagne. But just as the doors were closing like the borders of North Korea, a firm lower jaw stopped its motion.

"Looks like we just made it," said Shiny.

All the train riders' positive emotions immediately died. There was no escape.

The conductor looked away for a brief moment, pausing to put on his fake smile that had become second nature to him. He turned back with an almost frighteningly long grin. "Good morning, kids!" he said through gritted teeth. "You have your tickets ready?" he asked, crossing his fingers.

Everyone but Shiny pulled their papers out from their mother's cooch. "Dang it," said Shiny, "I must have left it at home."

"Oh, sorry, looks like you can't come today, Shiny," the conductor hastily mumbled, shoving the girl through the window. The train barrelled away.

The conductor punched the other's tickets with his toe claw, and it took all of his will not to punch their necks in as well. "Alright, you guys," he said, adding "you little shits" under his breath, "today we're going to the Late Crustacious period."

"Isn't it Cretaceous?" Don said.

"Don't fucking correct me, you malformed abomination," responded the conductor.

Mom licked her lips. "I hear there are some pretty hot guys in that era."

"I hear everything gets pretty hot in that era," Don said.

"Ha-ha! Classic Don. What a jokester," Tiny laughed, slapping her brother on the back a little too hard.

"Can you not slap me so hard?"

"Now that is so Don." Tiny continued to beat her disfigured brother.

Train Conductor Troodon needed a cigarette break. As he waddled over to the door, pulling out the makeshift joint, he thought he heard the distant sound of a dying pig. Until, that is, he heard words among the nigh-incomprehensible noise. "Oh no," he shuddered.

The door slid open, revealing the second-biggest reason he drank. The woman who had birthed him screeched in a thick Midwestern accent. He was never gonna get any pussy with this bitch stumbling around.

"Hey, sonny boy," she wailed for the whole train to hear, "remember that time you were sedated and you asked me to buy you some viscous liquid for personal reasons and I bought you superglue because I didn't know what you wanted and then you put it on your penis and your foreskin stuck to the end of your genital sheath and we had to take you to the ER to get it fixed and now there's a chunk missing from the tip of your penis?"

Back at the nest, Dad Pteranodon was chattin' it up with his wife's male mistress. "So, uh, you watch any good sports lately?" Dad said.

The velociraptor smugly curled his lip. "Yeah, I can stream every Super Bowl that has ever aired and ever will air on my 559 ppi quad-core Qualcomm processor-enabled 8K optical display viewing angle with a flexible shatter-resistant waterproof glass screen with 32 GB of RAM and Retina HD display. It comes with an S Pen."

"I understood two of those words," Dad said.

There was another long pause.

"So, what's your neighborhood li-" Dad started.

"I have a hot tub with a built-in TV in every single room in my house," the velociraptor intervened. "And I have 57 rooms in my house. Even the closets have hot tubs. My sink is a hot tub. The trash cans are individual hot tubs. How many hot tubs do you own? Zero, because you live in a bed of twigs and excrement."

There was another, longer pause.

"So how's y-"

"The only thing I have more of than hot tubs is slaves. I have five slaves for every hot tub and 0.2 hot tubs for every slave. I can afford them because I alone make more money than you and all of your past and future generations have ever and will ever make combined."


"Your wife was the best woman I've ever fucked. The only reason I could stuff my massive cock in there was because her vagina was so loose. That was the tastiest Pteranodon vulva I've ever had the pleasure of tasting, probably because she hasn't had any of your putrid Pteranodon penis since you botched your honeymoon. I was there, I've always been there. I own that building. I own your wife. I own you."

Shiny flew in, exhausted. "What's a vulva?"

"Time tunnel!" Conductor shouted through held-back tears. The train sped way too fast towards the tunnel. The tall Russian dinosaur did not have time to duck and her body was squelched neatly in two. Only Don noticed, but nobody noticed Don.

The train went from 120 to 0 in less than five seconds as it pulled into the station. There was vomit everywhere. Buddy's massive cranium had turned him into a temporary missile of death. The train toppled over onto the crowded boarding platform. "We're here, we're fucking here," the Conductor screamed angrily.

"Language!" his mother scolded, emptying an entire bottle of industrial-strength dish detergent down her son's throat. Nobody witnessing this would ever see the conductor as the same man again.

The train burst into flames as Buddy and company climbed out of the roof. The passengers sighed in relief, as this was still relative peace compared to the normal activities of the Pteranodon family.

"What dinosaur are we going to see mother, today?" Don "Hookjaw" Pteranodon asked politely.

"It's 'Today, mother,' you burden," Mom grumbled. Tiny and Buddy clawed at Don's Achilles tendons as Mom tried to shove his jaw back where it should have been.

Tiny tugged at her mom's wing. "What dinosaur are we going to see mother, today?"

"Thank you for asking, you precious jewel of a child. We're visiting the T. Rex."

Buddy's eyes glimmered. "Maybe it'll be a relative of me," he wished aloud.

"Rat's chance in hell," Mom giggled, tousling Buddy's nonexistent hair.

Three of them marched single file. Don could not march, as his Achilles tendons were broken. He dragged himself along by his front claws as his family shouted at him to hurry up.

The family arrived at the clearing where they always met. A group of Tyrannosaurs in "OBEY" hats sat in a group, drinking cheap beer and laughing deeply about their many hoes. One with familiar coloring turned around, flicking up his Ray-Ban sunglasses. "Ayy, if it ain't steamy-buns!" he said, giving his one-night stand a playful slap on the ass and watching it hold firm. Still tight as ever, I see." The remaining dinosaurs all high-fived, except for Don, who was too busy cradling his broken Achilles tendons.

Buddy's jaw was gaping open. "There are others…"

The snarky behemoth gazed down at the boy. "Yo, dude, we have similar colors. Lift up your leg." Buddy did this immediately.

A bright red Nike logo Buddy had never noticed before stood loud and proud next to his taint. "You have the family crest on your inner thigh," the large one gasped. "You are the result." The other Tyrannosaurs began shouting "Worldstar hip hop dot com."

Buddy looked to his mother, and she nodded. He smiled, then frowned, then smiled, then frowned. What if this was the place he was destined to be in?

Buddy's face went serious as the commotion subsided. "I have an announcement," he decreed. He looked to the sky. "Mother, this is who I am. I think I've grown, with our love and help. But my people call to me. I think it's time for me to go. I need to say here, with my real dad. Not the fuckhead who made that thing," he said, pointing to Don.

Mom laughed. "That was probably my brother, actually." Things made so much more sense now, thought Tiny.

The scalded train wheeled up beside them. "We got new wheels," said the Conductor. "We need to go, like, right now. We can't fully stop. Hurry."

Buddy's mom kissed him full on the lips, tongue and all, and Tiny gave him a hug. Don's wing was snagged by the train wheel. "Whatever works," Don shrugged.

"If you're really sure, then I guess this is goodbye," said the mom, giving him one last hug.

The train conductor was frantic at this point. "Bitch, if you don't get on right the fuck now you're gonna be fuckin' sorry." Mom and Tiny leapt on the deck of the caboose, and waved goodbye to what was basically their only son.

As they approached the time tunnel, a bright light and loud rumble took hold of the senses of the only person left on the deck of the train - the conductor. Screams and cries for help were heard as a sharp flare whisked past just as the train fully entered the tunnel.

Tiny was curious. "What was all that about, Mr. Conductor?"

The conductor said nothing, and shed a single tear.